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Let's start to show this, this is expected to become very, very hot and looking good, looking good. He's burned. Krischer, I'm sorry, just put the pedal to the metal to is a perfect way to start off the show. 12 years in the making, it's going to be a fucking shit show. Everyone is going to it's going to be a hundred percent.

Are you going to say something that I said? And I'll say that I didn't say it and I'll say I'm not racist. No, I would not do that.

I wouldn't do that to you.

I was saying that it's got such a long tail now that I am actually defending them.

That is a vile term you just used. Oh, shut up. Welcome almost to one normal person and one. Should I enter rehab?

It's pretty hard. That's what I did. I did three nights in a row.

I had three beers like you had. Like you told me that your three beer day. I did it. It's great, right? I had a really great buzz going. The aftermath wasn't good for me like it is.

Your stomach started turning and you just like I don't feel right. I just want to go to bed. Yeah. Feel good. Yes. Yeah, it's tough. It's tricky. I tried to negotiate that Sunday morning or Monday morning.

I tried to negotiate a nice strong cocktail and a polar plunge. Yeah. And it spun out into I mean I just.

Me riding my bike around intoxicated Lee-Anne informing me that that was a DUI and then me cutting off this guy in traffic.

I rode my bike with the bus and I I realized that I almost ran into a car a couple of times. Yeah, yeah.

And then you yell at them because you're on a bike you, like, use your fucking brakes.

Yeah, I, I was I had a great time though.

I had a really great I enjoyed it. I'm saying that what happened was I definitely was like I need a nap. I laid down, it could nap and I was just eating way too much because I wanted something to like soak up the beer.

Then I didn't sleep that great at night. Then I so I woke up tired.

I was like, oh, this is for fucking three beers, three beers. Oh. But I got all the buzz I started.

Friday night, I had cocktails. What's a cocktail for you? I think one I think I just drank a bottle of wine like a bottle of wine.

It's not a cocktail, though. I know. I know. Cocktails, cocktails. But then you said, I think I had wine. I drank a bottle of wine. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't I don't go less than a bottle. I try not to. What's the what's your favorite wine.

Honestly right now. Fit fine. Fit wine sponsor one of my podcasts. What is it. A broadcast. It's fucking great. It's a really great low calorie like low sugar wine and you can't taste the difference.

But I mean, is it do they make it is it supposed to be a cab, a cab or merlot or cerar.

We Lee-Anne and I on on Saturday morning opened up their prosecco. The Prosecco is fucking awesome. And you doing a read for them right now, they might as well sponsored this podcast because I really do enjoy them. And it's a great way to know that you're not going to be loaded up with sugar for the next day and the next day for me.

But you're doing a bottle at a time, but I don't like how does anyone else do it? Like, I don't know. I don't even know how other people work.

Most people, if you like, if you go to a restaurant and there's like five people, they go, can you bring us five bottles of wine? You know, that's the normal thing.

I'm the guy at the restaurant that definitely goes. I'll get one more. Let's get one more bottle. And everyone's like, I don't know if I want a full bottle. Yeah, yeah.

I'll take care of the rest. I just. Oh, I need you to do is have a glass. I don't look like a lunatic.

Yeah I, yeah I we had the I felt, I felt fucking normal.

Did you try went on last night. No I didn't know. A hair's getting long. I mean that's it. Yeah. Yeah.

I did not. I went on last night, I went to bed, I used my sleep coach. Yeah. Yeah. On How to sleep last night by the way, this sounds like a big sponsor podcast. Once again I stopped horrible but I slept. Take a look.

I only had fifty nine percent recovery, but I slept a 60 percent recovery.

I got one hundred hours, I slept eight hours and twenty nine minutes of my thing. It's just I didn't I think I was doing sleep apnea. I think you had sleep apnea. I think it was. Yeah I think it's because I think it's because I drank all weekend and I didn't drink last night. I think my body was still recovering. That makes sense.

Yeah, I actually love to sleep, coach. I told me when to go to bed and then I was like, all right, it's nine forty four.

I got to go to bed. I slept pretty well. You went, you went to bed at nine forty four.

That's what my sleep coach told me. Go back and you did it. I did. I gotten better and I'm forty four. I passed out and then I got, I got up. I was supposed to get up at six because I wanted to work out before this and I was like, all right, I'm going to work out. I feel good. Six came. I didn't, it didn't happen. Seven came, I didn't happen. Eight o'clock came.

And I was like, I you know what? I'm going to sleep until nine and then drive over. And at eight thirty I woke up and I my self-esteem was in the shitter about because of sleeping.

It's no, it wasn't even about sleeping, it's just about I was just telling you this, I feel fucking stagnant. I feel like I'm not going anywhere and I'm not doing anything because I'm following the rules for the most part. And I'm literally staying at home with my family. And I'm not doing going on vacations and I'm just hanging out. Yeah. And so I and I'm not really working on anything. I'm not making anything. And I'm just doing podcasts.

And I actually feel like my podcast is getting my podcast. Burki is getting better, but I just I don't feel like I'm getting any like I just feel like I'm stuck in like I feel like everyone must fucking feel right now.

Yeah. And so I got on the treadmill, I ran two quick miles and then took an outdoor shower and then came over here. I feel much better now. That's good.

Yeah. That outdoor shower. Yeah I, I was exhausted yesterday I and I got home and I could have easily usually on Tuesdays it's our longest day. You know, we come here for your mom's house, it's like we come before we record, we have a meeting before we record the show than the show usually takes. You know, we do usually at least an hour preshow. Then there's like a break.

Then the guest comes and they just yesterday yesterday we had Sickler. He's because he's moving his show. Honeydew is going to his channel. He's he's gonna start doing it of a new place in Santa Monica overall.

Yeah. But he's I mean, it was it's good and he's happy and we're happy. But then, like so we end up being here like all day.

And I got home and I was like, so tired, but I went down to my gym and lift it and I changed my whole the whole rest of my day.

It's, you know, look, I feel like.

I'm working on a I'm working on a book, right, and because you are maybe I shouldn't say everything, but, you know, we were talking about books the other day. Yeah. And then I was like, well, if I was going to write a book, what kind of book would I write? I was like, oh, I'd write, you know, like my version of what I think a self-help book should be. That's very funny.

Yeah. And so immediately I started laughing at the idea.

And so please tell me you have at least a section about sobriety, because that in and of itself would sell a book.

I believe it is just not on the whole premise is based off of me and you talking about The King's Speech where I in earnest said selfishness is one of my pillars that I live my life. That's very funny.

But but so I was like, oh, so. I'm reading right now David Gorgons book and Jako Wildlings book, I'm reading both of them. Yeah. And, uh, and it's so funny when you are you a fast reader.

What do you think I read so slow, Tom, and what happens when I read as my brain starts writing? Yeah, it's like I'll start reading and then I'll start imagining and like, I'll just get lost.

Like, can you start taking the story in your own direction? You have a joke about it. You remember this joke I read Memoirs of a Geisha. Do you remember this joke is an old joke of mine. I said I started reading Memoirs of a Geisha and the book starts and says, I was born on the windy cliffs of Okinawa. And my brain goes, Oh, I wonder if she knows Mr. Miyagi. I was like one of his.

He's going to be in this book. It was about the same time. And so then I'm still reading like I was reading the reading, but but I'm off in a different fucking tangent.

You're not you're not retaining anything. You just read at all. So so I did this I read this one book, Empire of the Sun audio book. I listen to it on an audio book and it's about Native Americans.

Yeah. And I'm the second I start listening, I just feel like they get too much respect.

Native Americans, dude, no, I don't feel like that. But you know what what you know, the seminal if you're a hundred percent seminal, if you're 50 percent seminal, you get one hundred twenty five thousand dollars every year for the rest of your life starting the day you're born.

Check that out. I might have made that up.

Do I saw I saw somebody dragged out to do do do do do do do do do do do do. They tell you. Two hundred to be given to them, after all, they got a graduate. Do you know how fucking frustrating that's got to be? Oh, I got to go that next drop down. People also ask, what does that say? Does it give, you know, the top one? Oh, my God, dude.

OK, let's says that last year the tribe, Seminole Tribe, earned 500 million from his gaming gambling operations alone, enough to pay each of the tribe members a monthly stipend of seven thousand dollars Sombat per month for everybody in the crew.

Yes, but you got well, you got to be a hundred percent or something. You've got to be like a percentage. You can't just be. What were you saying right before this?

I don't know about say was about to say not bad. Listen, this is all subject for opinion. Yeah.

Are you claiming to be Seminole? Let me start there. No. OK, go ahead.

But casinos was a good trade off. I mean, for like how bad the Indians got fucked. Yeah. To give them something that is technically illegal and go we can only do it with you guys. Fucking that's good money for us.

I mean it's good money for any fucking American and they fucking like they dominate that space in Florida and you can't get in trouble on on a reservation.

Yeah. We were in South Dakota.

We'll see what the was it Little Bighorn or Custer's last stand was in South Dakota. We used to check that out and give it back to me next month.

The Battle of Little Bighorn was in. Was is that it? Is it in that it looks like. I think we went location, it's the Crow Indian nation, so it's in south. OK, so we went to where the Battle of Little Bighorn.

And what happened when you were doing gigs or when we were doing Travel Channel? We did it. We did Custer's Last Stand.

I think I'm all over the map with facts, but we got on horseback and we had these Indians, Native Americans. But I mean, I don't know what to call. I don't know what you know what I'm saying. Yeah, I got love in my heart.

So we had these Native Americans from this tribe, from the Crow Nation, circle us on horseback, bareback.

And we were on horses and they allowed us to feel what Custer must have felt. It was really fucking insane. Right. But we had to do it at night. We had to get there before sunset. So we're on motorcycles. And the leader of the Crow Nation, this dude's massive. Do you know a big Indian guys?

Always bigger than anything else? Yeah. Big Indian guys like fucking Katsuyama's, Vahan. Yeah, it's like Big Pony Tail. You don't have a pony tail, big cowboy hat.

He gets in his car and he goes, follow me. And we're like, OK, we're on motorcycles. And he starts going 120 miles per hour. All right.

Now, I am not comfortable in a motorcycle and I am fucking flooring it on a motorcycle. I'm an Indian, you know. An Indian. No, a victory judge.

I am flying on a motorcycle and we are flying and we fly past a cop. Now, I guarantee you, I wasn't going more than 80. I don't think I've ever gone faster than 80 on a motorcycle.

But we flew past the cop who fucking proceeds to pull us over.

Right now, the Indian chief is going a hundred and twenty, pulls us over. We're like going to jail. We're going so fast, we're going to jail. And any time we hear flips a bitch in a two lane highway.

Does one 20 back the cop is up to here. Do you have any fucking idea how fast you were going? In the end, she flies up in his car and he goes there with me. Let's go. Ignore him. Let's go. And I looked at the video Sergeev and we just got dude, it was and he was like, yeah, fuck that guy, fuck him. He's nobody around here. This is my land.

Holy shit. That's pretty bad.

It was pretty fucking bad ass. And then we did the last stand. I think my brain's all fucked up.

Yeah. I wish I could remember all the stuff I did. The Travel Channel.

Do you bring up pilgrims? Did you talk about that at all? No, I'm certain I am.

So I am certain that I have I have said horrifically insensitive things to everyone who I am and how I operate.

And I don't mean that because of who I am and my ideology, not ideology, but just but just how I interact.

I say things like this come out wrong. Yeah. Like they always come out wrong.

I'm certain I said this to him just calling everyone chief around the fire chief. It's actually just him. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry. Yeah. I'm fucking I was a nightmare. I was a nightmare when I worked for a travel channel especially. Are you getting called by one stop, by the way, we're going to be running gag of Warren Sapp on this show. Yeah. One day he calls.

Do you want to see can you call him real quick? I just I just I just texted him on DMM because he said I have the wrong number for him. Did you get the right number? He's going to text me back.

OK, which brings up a good point. Little sidebar. Little sidebar from Bert being the most inappropriate person at a party. The do you know, I'm watching this thing on NFL Network about America's greatest and they're talking about all the Super Bowl teams, about the the the I think it's the ninety four.

Ninety four forty Niners, the the ninety five cowboys, the ninety three cowboys. But there everyone says it's best defenses. That's what wins Super Bowls.

At one point fucking Joe Flacco, Trent Dilfer said all we ever had to do was score seventeen points and we'd win a game.

That's pretty true. That's true. So then what do you think if you could? Because you know football better than I do. But I've watch this. If you would have to say what was the most the best defense in history, because every team that won a Super Bowl has said they had the best defense, the Steelers would mean Joe Green and the steel curtain. The best defense change defense is that change defenses and in general, the Bucs best, best defense.

John Lynch. By the way, did you know John Lynch was a rich kid?

No, I did not. Yeah, that was like a good zillionaire. Really? Yeah. And Warren Sapp used to bust his balls all the time. Love John Lynch. John Lynch. Is that that's why he runs the Broncos, because he's got the white kid, rich energy.

And he just walked in, was like, hey, you guys got a job running the team. And they're like, we could give you one news look great. I'll take that.

Let's see. Let's see if there's any, like, story about. Oh, yeah, yes. Good. Early years there.

See that first thing hit that spawn. He attended twenty points at Torrey Pines.

Grew up in Torrey Pines. Oh, he doesn't say, like, um, type in John Lynch, is that OK? But he said he even him in this documentary was like, you know, I grew up with a little bit of privilege and it's just like you go eight years old. Wait, that's the president and CEO? Is that the one? Yeah, that's him.

That's him right there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so he's a broadcast company of the I don't know what the fuck that is, that is either what is the what is broadcast on Broadcast Company of the Americas? It's it's radio. Oh, it is. Yeah. Hmmm, but, yeah, it's they say the box were then they say that. That the Patriots win in 2001, that they had the best defense and Ray Lewis says, without a doubt, Ray Lewis was like, we had the greatest defense in the history of the NFL.

Well, all they're all going to say I mean, that's how, you know, sports and all the fans of each of those teams. The problem the thing is, when you're a super fan of a team, you're so dialed in to the stats and the facts. And like, you watch those games and you remember those stop and people on third, down fourth that they go like, no, it's definitely our team. I mean, that's the fun of it, you know?

I mean, I would think that part of that conversation would definitely be the 85 bears, because they they were 85 bears. They said the greatest. Yeah.

They all you know, they they all say that. I mean, I guarantee that Sapp will say it was his with the Bucs.

I mean, they had sat on the defensive line. Derrick Brooks, you know, their number 50 much in their books, by the way.

I had I knew. And they fuck people up.

That was a great defense. That was my that was my whole generation of football, like, worked on. And I walked together. He walked. He was the he they said, ladies and gentlemen, work done.

And then they said, Bert Krischer, Albert Ricer next right after each other for graduation. Really in that crazy. Yeah. It's a memory.

I kind of remember this like it's also sounds like it sounds weird that they went from done and there's nobody with last name with an E I swear to you I F or G your H or I or a J.

They just went right to K.

I know that's weird. You want to know why. Why. Because I was the number one party animal in the country. Yeah. And they did not want people doing anything crazy when they said my name. So they, so they put me behind work done. So they said works Dunn's name and the place went nuts and you could not hear them say my name like you didn't hear them say my name for real. I swear to God.

And they and then they they did your name out of order though, because that's out of order.

Yeah. Yeah. I by the way, I'm I know here, you know, how my memory works. Like, I kind of glaze over details, but here's what I remember. Without a fucking doubt, I was sitting next to work done in the in the stands and they I walked right behind him. Those are not even questionable in my head. I don't know why they did it. I assumed so that I they thought I was going to do something crazy.

And if they said work Dunn's name, then you wouldn't hear my name. But I sat next to him and I remember saying they were taking pictures of us like the two of us together. And he's like, you're that party animal guy. And I said, yeah, I said, you're going to the box. And he was like, yep. And I said, I think he said, he's going to the box, which is about right. And I was like, I got a bunch of friends in Tampa, you know, if you're going to hook you up.

And he's like, nah, I was like, really? And he was like, I think I'm good. I don't do what you do. And I was like, oh, OK.

I don't think there could be somebody who is more the antithesis of who you are than worked on. Yeah.

Personality wise, he's he's so different. He's very different.

I remember I remember one night one of our friends drew a picture of him and you see a picture, see if you can find a picture type in Florida state graduation work done. Burt. Krischer. Really? Yeah. I mean, people were taking pictures of us. Well, that's true. I mean, there's got to see I bet there's almost guarantee if you pull up a picture of work done walking. Oh, well, there's me saying it in twenty eighteen.

Don't go to my Twitter, obviously, that's going to be me. Let's do this. Let's do this. Sorry. I want you to change the Google search. Just do. Florida state graduation work done, iRace birthday and see what comes up. If they have him. No, how about, uh. Just do worked on graduating, graduating. When graduating FSU, you know what we need, we need in. Can you is there any images there?

How about work done graduation day? There's working on his MBA, MBA. Yeah, no, I'm I'm not almost certain, I'm definitely certain I sat next to worked on. I remember talking to him about Tampa, but. And yeah, and I but I assume that they said his name. I bet if you look, I bet if you can find it online somehow you by the way, we already put it out there sometimes, but we have some Insull fucking fans out there that will fucking find it for us to find it for us and then send it to my way.

Yeah. Um, I mean, I don't know why I don't need proof totally, but. Yeah. Yeah. You guys have a lot of say.

He does a lot of Habitat for Humanity stuff. I can see you doing that too. I did Habitat here. We did. I did it. I did it.

I had to do it when I was in high school, but I just got high, sat on a roof.

It's kind of fun to do those those builds, isn't it? I you know what, I well, you know, this is going to sound silly, but this selfish thing that we talked that we talked about. So I now can't stop seeing anything but selfish in everyone's activities, like, you know, when you think you see people doing stuff for like you see people retweeting causes, like white people also say white people, because like there's a couple of white people.

I actually hate that I follow on Twitter. On Instagram. Why do you follow them? Because just to keep up with them.

And so and so you got to be careful when you follow them because you can't like anything they have on there. But they tweet like social causes. And I and I go, I know you you really don't give a fuck about the people. You give a fuck about people knowing you're a good person. Yeah. Like that. And that's kind of shitty.

Like, I don't really I do believe that that is bullshit with marriages. If somebody is like when people are publicly being like, I love my spouse, they're great.

I'm like, I think it's weird that you need to, like, post that. Yeah, but wouldn't you just love your spouse?

And they're like, here's here's my wife. She's the best. I'm like that. And I got her eighteenth 18th day of the year of dating. Our first date was the other day.

And you know what?

I thought I should post a picture of LeAnn and then that'll get a lot of likes. I thought that. And then I went, well, that's a really bad reason to post a picture of them, is to just get likes. Like, I should be trying to be funny. It's not the worst thing, you know.

I know, but but some people consistently do it like some people we know. I mean, one of them, when he was doing it a long time ago, I was like, it's so strange that he's always like posting about how great the relationship is.

And he would talk about that, like, why do you always you mention it every time I see you, it's it's just it's like and then of course it didn't work out. Yeah. Yeah.

Well I think what and this is why I become difficult at dinner parties is that I, I am consistently a contrarian. So whatever public opinion is naturally and I will do it because I like it, I do it. I'm a comedian. I try to find the upstream swim and go, how hard is this? How difficult is this. Yes. Where it's very common.

I mean, I've I feel like at family functions in that I automatically do that whatever people are, you know, saying I'll be like, no, you're fucking stupid. And then, you know, it'll create a problem at a family.

It's just it's part of our natural instinct is the easiest way to write a joke is to go say something aggressive to an audience and then work your way out of it. Yeah, it's a fun way to write a joke. It's a really fun way to write a joke of like coming up with the most aggressive statement you could ever think of, because then you shock everyone. Everyone's going to listen. Everyone here is that. And then they listen and then you shift it and you work you out of it.

And it's fun writing from. Yeah. Process. Yeah.

So the problem is, is in today's society with the retreat culture and the and the Cancel Jimmy Fallon culture, like it's usually what OK, I've heard a basically second hand, the Jimmy Fallon thing.

By the time people see this, you know, it'll be more than a week old. But what. Like what? What is the key in 2000, in 2000, by the way, from what I've read, the majority of people are not quite as outraged as it's seen as a few as the feds that are allowed.

That's what it sounds like to me. OK. And by the way, now here are so ready as as a this is where my brain works immediately.

Yeah, that's right. And he was doing an impression of Chris Rock. OK. He Nick Cannon calls out Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Fallon, well, Nick Cannon, Nick Cannon calls out Jimmy Fallon. I'd love to hear what Nick Cannon says.

Yeah, that would be pretty funny. Other Sarah Silverman, Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel.

I mean, if you're going to rank the black faces. There is this pretty intense, and she's not even like like the other ones, Rick, character Sarah looks like she woke up.

What's what is the the context of this? What do you mean of Sarah? Like, what is that?

Sarah was doing a sketch. For The Sarah Silverman Show, OK, here, here's what. Here are the two things that I my brain goes to where he do this on the Chanel, no word it can and call them out on is just a show. Oh, it's on Instagram live. It says. Yeah, I called him out on Instagram of. All the all these, your kings, all these. Wrote on Instagram with clips of found in blackface playing Chris Rock, Kimmo Blackface, playing Karl Malone on the side of comedian.

Never pander to the sensitive, but I feel there needs to be some truth and reconciliation. Cannon, who's a student at Howard University, is open to talking it all out the previous.

OK, I'm going to I'm going to put a pin in that. That already sounds a tad bit self-serving, if you like. I'll talk with them and then I want to be the jumping off point. You're like, OK, I understand. I actually understand.

If they go, there's a teachable moment and this is some truth and reconciliation. I understand that. I do understand that. But when he goes, I want to be the one that can talk it out on their talk shows, you're like, are you trying to get press for yourself? I mean, right, right.

Right. Like, I just don't understand. I don't know. It's like. Here's where my brain goes immediately I go. You're calling out Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon didn't write this sketch, probably. He had no idea.

He definitely did not put on the makeup himself in a clocks at SNL. Do you think you do this? Do you think. Yeah. How about this? Do you think do you think you went into his dressing room and he's like, this is going to kill, I'm going to put on makeup and I'm going to come out and do my Christmas?

Yeah, doing what? Nick Cannon every time he had a bunch of people green like that. Yeah. So like, it's weird, you know, I think.

But you got to it seems like Kanye got a lot of press for it. Yeah, we're talking about it too, you know. Yeah. We're talking about Nick Cannon. I mean, these are also. But I don't hate Nick Cannon either. Like, I don't hate it.

Um, the Kimmel one I remember. That's is Karl Malone sketch. Uh. I mean, how long ago were these things to 20 years ago, 20 years ago seems like it seems like a little too late to still do it, but like it seems. But also, like you're saying, yeah, that was approved across the board. It's not like you can just walk out and do the sketch. You couldn't just walk on SNL stage now without them knowing.

Well. But do you want to do an episode in blackface of this show? Yeah, you know what I say we do. I say we do. I say we do blackface, but we only show the rest of the lower parts of our body.

Why don't we do black arms? I mean, I we just do it in black arm. No, by the way, I sometimes wonder, are they going to when when are they going to call out bodybuilders?

Because bodybuilders go really dark. They go really dark.

Like the bodybuilders go that's that's so just getting that dark humor.

And that's because that shows like the contours more. Is that what that's all about? I think that is this episode of Tuba's also brought to you by Wub. We both have it on.

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You see the line. It's Ari Shapiro. Should we answer it. Sure. Ari, shiftier hot take, OK, real quick, Ontake Don't think it out. Don't think about OK, we're doing a podcast. Me and Thompson are two bears, one cave. What are your feelings on Jimmy Fallon doing blackface in 2000?

I love it. First of all, should be done sooner. It's an understated marketing corner immediately. So that's smart, obviously, of people are into it. But the people who aren't you are super into it. Think of it as a Chuck Taylor Converse All Stars market. You know, most people want to get Nike's, but those Converse all star buyers are real hard core buyers. So thumbs up for Jimmy Fallon. How much are you in Hong Kong or you in Baltimore?

Still in Baltimore. OK, what are you going back to New York?

Yeah, well, we think maybe a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks. Nice. We got a couple of Amazon packages coming in and then after that. How are you guys? We're good. Good man masterbation now. Yeah, it's why masturbating while I take that back. I'm really, really into vibrating my cock into masturbation. You vibrate it next to the next subject anyway. What do you mean by that on starting a fire. Kind of like shit back and forth.

I don't know. Why do you do the thing on your prostate? You take your prostate.

No, no, no, no. Head of my dick. Anyway, let's just change it for video one time. And I thought I might want to try that. And I did not like the idea of a detachable showerhead. Yes, I do. By the way, try this. Go ahead. Lay down to the bath, stick on your belly button or, you know, towards that direction. Take that showerhead, run the water up and down, up and down.

Fingerless jerk. And it's amazing. You make a video. You make a video that I have a couple of videos for. I thought maybe it might be that actually your YouTube got dinged. No, I didn't. I'm trying. All right. Well, I'll call you after this. I want to talk to you about something. All right. I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Ari Shapiro. And I want to hear more about how you masturbate. Uh, I saw this video.

A guy puts a it was this guy and he was like and I was looking at I enjoy. Hmm.

I feel like I'm overhearing a lot lately. No, it's fine. It's fine. Stand up. I enjoy.

My the porn videos I like are based off of what I see in porn, so a lot of times I go down on Lee-Anne and so I will see her have an orgasm from that perspective. And I love it. It's like my favorite thing in the world. I like watching her have an orgasm more than I like having an orgasm sometimes. And so I wish that I could have an orgasm watching Robin orgasm. My favorite thing in the world. Yeah.

And so the videos I like are shot from that perspective. And if you have like an up close perspective of like you were doing it to a woman, that's the videos I like. And one day in the thread, it one came out and said. Watch as I vibrate my lifeless cock into orgasm or something, and I went, huh, like I didn't, I was like, what? And this guy can't get it up. And he just vibrates his dick.

And then he holds the vibrator. He holds the vibrator on his dick, lifeless cock. It was I was like the buzz word where I was like. It's going to be on anyway, and you're never finding this, so go to a porn site first and then type that porn up. And so then I was like and then when I was a kid, I used to use like a back massager to have orgasms.

I was like, I haven't done that in fucking years. And then one day I did. And I was like, oh my God. It was like it was actually pretty fun. And so then every now and then, I like to treat myself. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like jerking off their hand is almost like. It's almost like.

Racist? No, you know, no, it's almost like it's almost like eating isn't eating freeze pizza like you don't enjoy it? Like, I'm just I'm just putting it. I'm looking for it.

You're looking to, like, step up. Right. Right. But also, like, that's such a boring. Right. Yeah. Where did you find the vibrating one.

I couldn't find that one, can you do can you just. Vibrating You could you could take lifeless out, you know, vibrate cock to orgasm. Yeah.

So then now read the read the descriptions. I guarantee you'll find one on there. Oh, I know what it was. I'm sorry. You know, it was I like to take this back all together. It wasn't this. It was there is a there's a male sex toy that I somehow got got to me. I don't know what it was called. And it was it was like it looked like a fucking stingray was wrapped around the head of your dick.

And I put it on. I don't I lost the charger for it, but I put it on and this thing was insane.

Insane. It like wrapped the capering stingray natural. Let's see it. That's not it. That's just stingray. I forget to buy that on Amazon.

I forget the name of this thing, go to Adam and Eve Dotcom and type in automotive.com and go to male sex toys, by the way, we are Googling way too much shit in this podcast. I know. Go do something fun. That is not checking.

The meantime, the raw sap takes you back. No, I didn't. God damn it. Kind of get him on the phone, man, I see. No, no, he was really, but he said the number he had was the wrong number. He said he was like, what number you texting? But I got the last text I got from that number was, sorry, bro, that again.

So I think that's him. I think it's definitely try calling it. Just see if he answers. No, no. Why not? He knows you're trying to reach out.

I feel weird calling him like I feel weird reaching out because I know for a fact that I get numbers and they call me and I know, but I'm not sure I'm in.

I'm like, you're not calling him every day, but we're calling him and putting him on the air.

But it's one week later I got called and put on the air and they're like and they're like, Hey, man, what do you think it was Johnny there? We're supposed to do call in. They called me and I was asleep and I forgot that I had to call in and I woke up and they're like, hey, what do you think about Tom's podcast with Tommy Lee? And I was like, Huh? And they're like Tommy Lee said he had his dick sucked by a dude.

And I was like, why? I was like, and by the way, I'm just waking up. I'm like, what the fuck?

And I'm sure I came across something homophobic, but I was like, well, I mean, got to disappear, dude. I'm like, I could not do that. I do not. Do you really think you can do that? One hundred percent. A hundred percent. I don't. I know for a fact I would wake up with way too many questions the next day about myself.

Hmm.

I, I just don't I'm not the kind of guy that can go should be at a party and be like let him suck my dick a little bit. Let her suck my dick a little bit. Hmm.

Could you. I think so. I think if it was like a real like fey kind of hairless looking guy, you know. I mean, and he had a small frame, just like we talked about this on the podcast before, we have a friend.

I don't think I could, you know, I think I could I could like a trans person, non binary. I think I could I think, you know, just like have like, really disabled, I think missing limbs, you know, like I think all of them I would I would give them all a shot. I'm so meat and potatoes.

Really. Yeah. I wonder sometimes like my brain. What about like a 500 pound woman.

No, I couldn't, I couldn't.

I actually I remember saying this to a guy in college. He he had sex with a woman that was like extremely overweight and very unattractive. Um, and he was like, you got to do it. And I was like, what?

And he's like, doesn't matter what she looks like. And I went, I go, it totally matters what she looks like. Like I wouldn't have sex with someone I wasn't attracted to. And he goes, Now you're being stupid right now. And I said, well, by your standards, you could also have sex with a dude. And he was like, no. And I was like, well, no. You said it doesn't matter what they look like.

So it could be a dude and you wouldn't care. And he was like, no, it's a girl. And I go, you know, I'm saying she's a girl thing.

It's like, it's OK. What do they propose you? This was about an Asian guy. No, I can't.

I could not. Dude, I know that this is going to sound horrible. I cannot envision myself having sex with a man like I. I just can't. I don't why? I just don't see it. I don't see it as an alternative. I don't see it as like I don't see it to the point where, like party or I could never I remember there were guys that could do two guys, one girl. I could not do that.

Guys, I could do two guys, one girl fuck two guys. And then or you say, oh no, no guys. Who me. And you would have a girl.

Yeah, why not. I'm just not that guy. You never fucked a guy. You never done anything like that. Hold on. I'm sorry.

Start that sentence over how you've never even heard like in all your college age. No fucking guy, anything like that.

Never fucked a guy ever like that. Nothing. Nothing. All right. And I'm not I'm not slighting Tommy Lee. I understand he leads a very different life than I do. Yeah. And then he goes to parties were crazy. He's fucked thousands of women. Yeah, thousands of women. I'm not slighting him. He's got a massive dick.

It gets pulled out a lot, I bet, at parties. Yeah. It's a fun party favor. Yeah. I just I'm like I'm like if I'm going to have sex with you, the lights are going to be out. It's going to be me and you. I'm going to be very attracted to you like I'm old school.

I mean, I'm not I just don't think that's odd. Also, I think you should be attracted or maybe even in love with you.

Fuck it. I've never heard that kind of thing before. But it's interesting. I mean, I've only had sex with people that I've said I love you, too. Would you ever have a horn? Would you would you let a really short guy blow? You know, I wouldn't.

I would never. I could never. What if he was crazy dull, crazy dull, tall? No, like seven feet tall. No, really, I'm all right.

I couldn't I couldn't do any of that. I know that. I just. It just doesn't.

And you never. You never like you never. Like, got handjob from a guy. Never, no, nothing, nothing like I can say I never jerked off another guy. Never. I never I've never touched another dude's dick in high school. You never jerked off any guys in the high school? I've never jerked off any guys ever.

All right. I know that. Like, I get like, I I'm I'm so.

And I don't I wish I couldn't. It sounds like you're being like it's not old school, but like I'm so.

Well, you sound old school. You sound old school. I was reading an article about a guy. I was seeing something and I fucked three guys on the tennis team in high school. Shut up. You've never fucked around with dudes and you've never even run a train on a girl. I bet.

Although I don't know that. Well, have you been with two guys, you and another guy and a girl named Eli?

No, not. But I remember sophomore year in college, this had nothing to do with it.

But the basketball team fucked a girl, all of them, and then they had to, like, vacate some wins. What were you saying?

They got trouble. Yeah. Yeah, the basketball team fucked a girl.

Yeah, well, I. Oh, yeah, there are some guys not there. The next semester, I, I, I remember I was talking, I was talking to a friend of mine.

I'm going to tell you, I don't want to say his name because I know that sometimes I'll just show you a picture of the guy. OK, ok. I was talking to you. I met this person.

I was talking to this guy. Yeah, I bet he's got some stories. He's got some stories.

He's like, bro, you never run a train on someone. I was like, Melanie goes, that might mean that you're gay. Why? Because if you and your boys have never fucked a chick, you might be gay.

And I was like, that's not what that means. I know what that means because I don't know where I grew up. That's what it means.

You know who to this guy told me. This guy told me. I'll show you this dude.

I am so no him. Yeah. So he told me he was in jail. What. Yeah, well, he was in jail for a minute and he he went to the library in jail and when he was in the library he just went around a bookshelf and there's a guy like Face Down the table and three other guys were fucking him. Right. Well they were taking turns and they saw this guy and they were like, you want in on this?

And he was like, no, I'm good. And they're like, for like for real.

And they he was like he was like he said he played it like super cool and was like, nah, I'm good. And then the guy on the table was like, come on man. Like let me up. And they're like me up. Yeah. And they're like they're like, yo man would be nice. It's like if you were what they say to him, if you were white we wouldn't use Lupe. And he's like, that's when that's when he got hard and he jumped in there and he didn't he didn't fight, dude, I live in prison.

Do you take a boyfriend? I don't know that you take a boyfriend with you. Well, that's the thing that the whole thing about that world, everybody goes you take your perspective from this world and you're like, this is how I would be in there. You have no idea how traumatizing that experience would be and how your whole reality changes.

Reality is a different place. It's one that you can't imagine.

So you don't go like. I think when I get there, I probably a couple of weeks in start flirting like you just the you'd have a whole new reality.

And so I think nobody really knows how you would behave, you know, you just don't know. I think it would probably be something where you're not looking for a boyfriend. You're probably just looking to survive, right?

Yeah. So you just find the biggest dude and be like I was like your dick every other Thursday. That sucks. That that's someone's reality.

Yeah, of course, man. It's horrifying. Like, it's crazy that we it's crazy that or, you know, like you probably would have to like, you know, you always hear the stories like you punch whoever you know, the biggest guy you have to eat. You have to assert yourself in some way or you risk being the guy in the library, you know.

Like Nadaf, definitely getting fucked in prison. Oh, portrait of wouldn't last a second red hair, even red hair goes from prison. He'd have to join the Aryan Nations and then they'd be like, you're from where?

And, you know, I'm Irish, Irish, Irish. Izra is real. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that stinks.

That that's someone's reality. I wonder if they like you think we're like what people get outraged by these days. Know like this.

Karen and Karen in The Birdwatcher. Yeah. And then you go there's a dude getting raped in prison right now and no one gives a fuck.

That's the thing. No one really gives a fuck. That's actually the worst part. The worst part is to have something like that happen to you and be like, this is what happened to me and have people be like, so, yeah, don't go to prison.

Yeah. And they say that and they don't go to prison. Yeah. I mean there's Derg there. There's guards there who would like. Make you laugh at you spit out, imagine something like that happens and you totally get raped in prison. Well, I know it's like. So do you think me and you, we went to prison at the same time? Yeah. Do you think we could take care of each other so that we didn't get raped?

Probably that you would totally set me up for a raping, I would not set you up for a raping, you put me in the shower. Here's the only scenario in which I do that, OK? If these guys, like, surround me and they're like, we're lucky to fuck you or a guy that looks kind of like you, we're just a little bit more hair up front, but not as much on the back.

And I'd be like, all right, I'll set him up.

How many you guys want to fuck up in there? Like the 30 of us?

All right, I'll get them here six pm right after dinner.

You know, I didn't I didn't bring lube. He's my friend. That's what I would say. Hey, he might be white, but bring lube anyway and lube anyways. He's really a good guy.

The I was I never went to prison, but the closest I ever came inside to take correspondence classes. And when I graduated college because I didn't because I didn't imagine they all finished in you all those guys.

And then like four days you're like, man, I keep shitting out all this and then like as you're like trying to recover, you're like bleeding and they have stitches.

You hear guys in the halls go one machine like that and you're like, oh my God.

What looks like we found our promo for this. I'm sorry.

I so don't want anyone to come inside. I would be like, can you guys please just not come inside me? That would be really that's like the worst part of it. We have a couple of guys.

We're actually like, I'm trying to be respectful.

I pulled out and I mean, I'm like, thank you, thank you. And they just come in your hair and stuff.

So, I mean, I just found me laughing at your one of your jokes the other day. I'm like, oh, I can't help.

I, I like the way I don't know why I laugh. And what would you have to defend. I have no fucking idea. Someone said something and I go, yeah, yeah that was funny. And I was like they're like yeah you really laughed hard. And I was like, yeah, I don't know, I couldn't help it.

I laugh at God damn it and no one fucking cares. That's what sucks about prison.

No one cares about people in prison like they're people. They're human beings. Yeah.

And there's people that just got like DUI is like that kid that some fucking kid that all watching the outsider.

Did you watch the outside on HBO? No.

Oh, I watch the one. The other one. It's so dark and it's so good. What fucking Bateman man when I watched that.

No, no, I'm sorry. Are you watching. No, I watch the outsider. Hold on. I'm the one who told them that fucking dude. Hold on. Stop that. I started thinking that happened to somebody, what do you mean for anyone who doesn't know outsider? Unbelievable. It is a maze based on a Stephen King novel. Yeah. And Jason Bateman, who is like our modern day. I don't know. What do you want to hear?

He says he's like Orson Welles, like Wilco concert.

One time he had a Range Rover.

He yeah, he. I love that. That's the detail you, by the way. And I just said I wouldn't make out with a dude, but Jason Bateman at the Greek, OK, in his Range Rover.

What's it so what is it I like I really honestly wouldn't let it suck my dick, but I love fantasizing about shit like. So what's the difference. Hold on. What. Like I go like I go Jason Bateman kissing me on the mouth. Like I like that playfulness of it. Yeah. But I really wouldn't let dude suck my dick at a party.

Now even Jason Bateman. I mean, that's a different thing, like like Jason Bateman is like I've never asked anyone to do this, but I really want to suck your dick. I be like, by the way, Jason Bateman would like to suck his dick. Like, you think he would let dudes suck.

Yeah, he's liberal. He's like liberal like that. Like he'd like.

I guarantee you, if Jason Bateman if you ask Jason Bateman if you get a chance.

Oh, oh, let's do two bears. Redgate one man cave. Well, hold on. Hold on. Let's do it. Who bears Radman. One cave, two bears, one cave red carpet event.

OK, where we get a Representative Josh Potter to ask our questions to people on the red carpet. Hey, Josh Potter, two bears, one cave. Jason Bateman, would you ever lattitude suck your dick.

Yeah, like, yeah, I'm cool with that.

The questions that we've gotten back and forth, it would be great to get Potter on the red carpet, actually get powder on the red carpet to ask questions that we've dealt with. And like so then we could say we could have this conversation go, hey, you know, remember we visited that conversation of whether or not someone like his dick, Tommy Lee, said he would or he did. Jason Bateman was a little taken off guard at the premiere for Trolls America.

We've got both his kids with him.

He would dip out of that interview.

So think about it right now, if you're being honest and Jason Bateman's right here and you were like, man, would you ever consider letting him dude suck your dick? How would Jason Bateman answer? He would no one say.

I think he would immediately look at his surroundings, be like, I don't know if this is really where I want to be right now. No, no, no, no.

But let's say he can't like what would Jason Bateman say? He would say I'm married, right? Yeah, that would that is out. Yeah. And you will actually. That's not the scenario we're talking about. Yeah.

We're talking stop thinking about your fucking wife. Yeah. That OK, because that's not the scenario we're playing with. Right. Right. Right, right.

Basically, you're asking someone, could you be bisexual, technically, right? I guess so. So, Jason Bateman, could you see yourself being bisexual?

Because I feel guilty saying no.

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Save yourself some money. Like I feel bad saying, you know who's friends with with Baban.

Neil Brennan. No, Whitney Cummings.

Who who do you think she'd answer first, me or you. I know it's we call her. You work hard at the same time. Yeah. Why don't you just call her. It would be funny if she didn't answer your call and the chance to shine the.

She lives in the fucking sticks. What if what if, what if she answers and she and I'm like, uh, I'm I'm on you're on speaker. She's like, you're a fat guy. Or see, like women would let girls go down on them.

Let's let's see if she answers me real quick, just for fun, if she does, she's dead to me. OK. If it if it was like first race is like God, I wish that happened so badly right now.

How about becoming friends with Jason Bateman? She's friends, everybody but friends, or is it just like no collectors? No, no.

She's just you know what, like I wonder who else we know that knows Jason Bateman, but like when he's friends with Howard Stern. But yeah.

You think Howard Stern would let a girl do sucking dick? I don't think he wants to know, but not once to.

The question is, if you're at a party, are you open minded enough to not party?

That is something the one Tommy Lee was that like Tommy Lee Whitney Cummings calling me back.

All right, here we go. Hey, Whitney, you're on the podcast with Thompson Grimberg Chrysler.

A big fan, big fan of the show.

We both we were both hoping you would answer one of the calls and not the others so that we could gloat. Yeah.

OK, so Tom is about to call. I did. I just did. I just did. I did I. Have you clocked.

Great. Oh nice. Hey, it didn't ring. Hey. Well OK. Here's our question of the answer we wanted. We are you blocked me.

It didn't ring when you call. OK, so we're talking discontinue continue our affair time.

I'm friends with your wife.

I'm sorry. Sorry. OK, that's one of our questions. If you could have affair with me or Tom, the. That's not the question. That's a hard one actually. How is that hard to fuck up and let her answer it, Tom.

So probably a soft one actually.

The way it's Burt, right? It's got to be me. Yeah. Yeah. We have a lot in common. OK, Whitney, here's our real question.

So Tommy Lee was on on Tom's podcast with his wife and Tommy Lee, said Furlong, who you knew growing up, right? I did, yeah.

I used to work with her in Philadelphia when we were teenagers. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah, I know. Tommy said that, you know, in all his sexual experiences that. Yes, of course, at once a dude blew him and he didn't really like it was wasn't a big deal. And I had said, OK, I had said I would not let a dude blow me, that it would I wouldn't be able like I just couldn't do that, that I could not see myself as bisexual, that I'm a little old school.

And Tom saying that that's kind of a little passé now. Now, here's where our question lands, OK, by the way, I misuse the word passé. I know that Jason Bateman. Do you think Jason Bateman would let a dude blow him? Is he that open minded? And first question, second question, how would you handle that answer?

I think Jason Bateman does not want you to take if that's the question, would he let a dude at a fun party, not in a marriage?

Would he let it dudes blow him? Is he that open minded? Third third question, could you just patch him in right now?

He might let him do it. It's not going to be either of you.

Well, that's our fourth question. If he was going to blow either of us. Which one do you think he'd lean towards?

Neither. I mean, I feel like Tom Hardy might be on deck here. Jason Statham, neither of you are in the running. Wait a minute.

Don't we kind of look like those guys you just said our two our two doppelgangers? The answer's no. No, nothing like that really.

Is something wrong with me that I could not see myself letting a guy blow me with me?

But can I ask because I've talked about this with other guys, was there a woman presence? Was this a threesome? Are you just a guy just like your dad?

Who? No, no, no, Tom. Tom saying that he would he would allow a dude to blow. I said what I said. I said, what's the guy look like?

And I'm saying, I actually really, honestly don't think I could ever imagine a scenario where I'd let a guy blow me, not even an Asian, he said.

Haley Joel Osment, like, what is this? I almost made the most horrific joke ever. Why is it as if there's another woman president? OK, yeah, we says I'd like to bring another man in such a bad mood.

This is what I'm going to stop you there with me. It would ruin our marriage forever. I could not. I could not. I couldn't I we wouldn't get past that conversation because I would shut down. I couldn't even I actually couldn't even let them bring another woman in the bedroom that would ruin our marriage.

So what? Because here's the thing. The question is, can if you're having a threesome with your wife or whatever, if a man is just sucks, your dick is not OK as long as there's a naked woman around.

Sure. No, I couldn't let a man in the bedroom with me and my wife. That would not. What if it's a big fucking strong black guy?

He's got a huge dick. Exactly the kind I wouldn't let in. Oh, I wouldn't let any man in. But I wouldn't let I wouldn't let a guy with a bigger dick in there with me. No, but it's huge. Hey, Bruno Mars.

And you are at a party wasted. And he just starts jerking you off. Yeah. OK, all right. Yeah, yeah, that sounds fun. What's the address? What time? Because here's what I'm saying.

Here's my guess. I, I am great at sucking a dick. I'm not going to lie. It's one of my strong suits. I'm Liane and Christina, I hear are also champions.

I still think we probably found our second promo for the show Boonchu, which is that I think men are way better at hand jobs than women.

I think if a guy started giving you a handjob, you'd be like, holy shit, let me give you a hand job.

Let me give you a handjob. I'll let you give me a heads up.

All right. I bet men are better at hand jobs and blowjobs than women are. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. Same reason Italian women can make meatballs they've been doing their whole lives.

So what I say is, if you can get over the you know, I can't get over it.

That's my problem is I would wake up the next day. He can't get over it. Well, what does that mean? He feels like he feels like Bateman can help him get over it, you know.

Oh, that's right. Jason Bateman. Yeah. I don't think Jason Jason Bateman has a beautiful wife. He had quite a quite a time in Hollywood in the glory days. I think he's got everything out of his system. And I, I certainly know he's not going to try to suck either of you.

All right. I'll take your word on that. What he was like. I don't think you want to run out it. I guess I just sucked the machine to machine.

What did you think? I just like to think of a race. Oh, God. Hey, here's my question. What do you do with your dogs during sex?

I put them in because they come, they smell it a mile away and they'll go straight for the inner thigh and try to lick back.

Oh, yeah. Hey, go ahead.

Go ahead. What? We know you're saying better things than me.

Really fucking a vet. And he doesn't care, but I have to put them away because I feel like my children. It feels like a weird threesome with children.

Well, you're awake. You're fucking a military vet.

But wait, which war are we talking like Korean War, which you are a veterinarian? Oh, yeah. I thought it was like I thought it was an American hero, but he's seen so much battle he doesn't care about the dogs. I don't get turned on by America. Oh, wait, Witney.

That sounds like the perfect match for you.

Maybe maybe he works out of the news. I think so too.

Do you guys is all your flirting about like horse care and shit and like what to wear to walk them. Kind of.

I'm like, can you exercise my dog's anal glands.

Oh someone's someone's presenting her vagina to me. Huh.

I mean look at Charles Brendan Shop single again.

And we we really would love to meet Jason if you ever want to help us with that. Thank you very much. Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With me.

So you guys love Jay-Z. Yes. Yes. This is so so if Jason wanted to suck your dick with Jason was just at a party. So you guys were like at any party up front something he was drunk. You're drunk. If he started to give you a handjob, would you stop it?

I definitely would not stop him. And I would just be like, hey man, can we talk about, like, filmmaking next?

You know, do you want him to be his character and Ozark? I don't want him to be his character. I just want to break down story and like, you know, how he approaches a script. I just think it'd be a great learning experience. And if he needs to do that through a handjob, I'm fine with it.

So this is not about sexual physical attraction. This is about being turned on by his his mind, his his talent.

Yeah, that's where we go. As I say, I could not have sex with someone if I wasn't emotionally involved or in love or attracted in terms like that's just gay sex.

Well, you know, I'm starting to miss toxic masculinity a little bit.

Thank you, Whitney. Thank you. I got to do it. I got to do a podcast with this chick every week.

Why? Why Jason Bateman is a senior to you. This is the most attractive for me.

For me. I'm I'm for me. It's that I'm just like he's really doing such incredible work right now, like what he's putting out. I was talking, you know, I love Ozark. The outsider is unbelievable. And I didn't I didn't even know about I just stumbled on that. I saw him in it, then realized he's producing and he was directing the first few episodes. So I just think the dude is an incredible talent, and then Bert was like, I'd love to say that I don't know where.

I don't know how I got on this fucking subject. But yeah, but no, we were saying, oh, I'd say I was we were flirting. So I was saying that Jason Bateman I saw him in a Wilco concert once. Right. Range Rover. Yeah. And I kind of batted my eyes and then I was like, well, but I've already said I wouldn't let him suck my dick. And then Tom's like, well, would you?

And I was like, I don't know. And we talked about prison and how we got prison. No one cares about those guys getting assaulted.

He gave me just give you some of the best advice anyone's ever given me about directing a movie. He said, there's the movie. You write the movie, you shoot the movie. You edit that mistake big time.

Nice. Do you write give me some hey, give me some advice so that I can flip that back I go. Whitney Cummings gave me some great advice one time. Give me some advice Whitney. I feel stagnant right now in my career.

You do.

And that's because we're in a pandemic and I know well I can't fucking leave her house. I have news for you, but you're stagnant every day.

You start a new podcast. You're fine. You can actually afford to be a little more stagnant.

You want to hear how stupid I am. Whitney, I rented a beach house in Malibu for me and the girls this weekend. Oh, my God.

And and it's not as nice this I'm girls are like that. It doesn't have a pool. And I was like, yeah. And they're like, so we're just going to a house that's not as nice as our house to shag.

Just so weird. How about this? I was talking to a guy recently who has a girlfriend, comedian who has a girlfriend but doesn't want to move in with their guy. So he got her like a little shitty house to live in. And he calls it the stabbing cabin. Oh, man.

Oh, wow. This is a comic is putting a girl in. And he got her a place. Yes.

So you didn't have to live there. That's crazy. Oh, my God.

I by the way. I know. I know. I'm almost figuring out. I know who that is. Well, I miss hanging out with you, Whitney. They know.

Can I just ask you one last question? Because I'm obsessed with who you guys think are hot. Who is the physically most attractive doctor to you?

Oh, by the way, I was going to say you in that fucking bathing suit that was like all sloppily put on.

Holy shit, this is what I'm talking about. Did you see this picture back?

There was whatever picture you posted on Instagram the other day with you in that bathing suit that was like kind of all over the place. I actually looked at that more than I would like to share. Like, I was like, because it's it's my it's a it's a great picture, Whitney.

You know what?

You know why? Because for those of you listening, I'm wearing like a cheetah print bikini top that doesn't fit over my fake silicone chest. And my body's a little sloppy right now. And you know what it is? It's very Florida that's like some Florida horseshit that it was. Right.

I recognize the background. I know exactly where that photo was taken. It was almost in front of your house. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a great photo, Whitney wearing a helmet.

I like bruises on my legs. I have, like, sunburn. That's like I feel like every, like, MILF in your neighborhood growing up.

Well, well, you may birthday. He's still talking about it right now. Yeah. Well, OK. What's the hottest actor to you? It's Jason Bateman. Mentally. Who is it physically? I mean, I like Brad Pitt.

Everyone's go to dude. I'll tell you, it's Idris. Idris Elba. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. That dude's a fucking stud with or without.

I like him, like just recovering. So he's a little vulnerable. You know, he needs me to bring him soup and shit.

Still, I was I was going to say the rock, but then if the rock was like, hey, man, you mind if I give you a hand job? I'm like, how about we use my hand and you grab my wrist? Laughing I'm one of those grizzled fucking paws of yours from all the weightlifting. Yeah.

Calloused fucking catcher's mitt. You think he's like a good, nice lover, though?

Like, no, no. He's a tender lover at all. No. Everything turns into a workout with him. Yeah. He would break. Would you have sex with a rock with me.

I he is so I don't like hard men like that. It's hard.

It's all. But I just looked at each other like that's what we're talking about.

Like it's just it's hard to get a grip and there's so oily it's like trying to. Yeah.

You know when you get stuck on a water slide and you try to stop, oddly enough we do know it does like, you know, and you're like, no, no, you're trying to stop and not go down.

Yeah. It's like a Kings Dominion or whatever. So it's like that. It's like a giant slippery waterski. And you can't you can't get a grip. Wait, Whitney says Whitney, who's your celebrity guy?

Who's like the celebrity crush? I really like the guy from the Sons of Anarchy who probably Hunnam.

Yeah, that was easy. Racist Jesus. And I'm going to give up, I think the guy with the Chinese virus. This guy.

Wait, this guy is fucking yolked just like the rock.

Yeah, but he's a little more. Not if he's not.

He doesn't have he's not the consistency of a marble floor like, OK, I looked pretty fucking I think I like Tom Hardy is very hot. He's also very funny. I like Bakeman pavement's very hot. Justin Thoreau.

Justin Thoreau is. Yes you do. Which was Justin Thoreau.

Movies in there is. You know, who's just Justin who never heard of Justin throw my life, who is he? Yeah, he's an actor. What movies in do you see The Leftovers?

Nope.

Yeah, I tapped out of that after a while.

Jesus, you know who is the hottest to me? Who? Robert Downey, Jr..

Well, if you if you bring the right proper face swap, you can have sex with Adam Ray and he does a great Robert Downey Jr.. Has anyone been watching that? No, no. His Robert Downey Jr. is pretty fucking spot on on Instagram. He's a good actor, man. Really? Yeah. Whitney, here's what here's my plan. LeAnn and I get divorced. I'm going to start dating you, but in they can't buy me love kind of way.

Right.

So what I'll do is try to say, nope, nope, nope. You have no say because you're not it's not real. We're just going to do it. And you can't buy me love way where I date you.

But I go to all the Hollywood parties and then I just tear through your list of celebrity friends who are all like, why don't I know Britney's got her shit together, he's got to have something. And I'm right. Like Whitney's got wouldn't pick a loser.

You guys would be a great couple. Whitney, I think you you and Burt would be a great couple. I think so, too.

I think I that is a compliment because it makes me feel like I have similarities to LeAnn and I love LeAnn. Oh, I used that.

I thought it meant, like, you're really down to earth, you know what I mean? Like you you're you're not a big phony, you know. Are you calling me fat?

But I'm nothing like you've ever said, you really salt of the earth type, you know.

So, OK, so if we were dating Whitney and I woke up, say, around eleven o'clock. Right.

And she's already done in a crestmore workout and I'll be rescued a couple of animals for Iot going on Haikui at eleven am. OK, so you've already recorded six podcasts.

This is you know, this is what this is. If Whitney and I did it, this is first week and the first weeks you go, OK, I don't get it. How are you successful at all? You don't do anything all day.

Can you put some fucking shoes on? Jesus. Yeah, no, he'd be like, oh, like flipflops mouchawar outside with me. Yeah.

I don't know. I feel like we could be a good maybe. I don't know. I don't like when men shake my Saudi deal breaker.

You don't shave your pubes you say. No I do. I don't know. They've been lasered off for years. Yeah but I wouldn't. You're into shaving pubes and I don't. That's sickening.

Wait a minute. You like to go down. OK, Tom just heard of for the first time that was a secret. Hey, your pupils are all gone. No, no, no.

I shave Liane's pubes. Oh, and and that is not for common knowledge. OK, I don't get on with these bad guys.

Well, no one's going to see this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a pretty fucking good at it too. Really. Do you shave my pubes. I shave your pubes in a fucking heartbeat. Do you want to do an ad for manscape. Yeah. And I will shave your pubes. Sure.

Let's do it. Yes. Oh God damn it. I have. I just got the nose, the manscape nose thing which could probably fit your dick, right. Oh yeah.

Probably, probably. Hey, I'm at a Hummer. The Hummer the. By the way, I know so much about you because of your Instagram. I saw them when they waxed your nose hairs.

Yes. I don't play around. I mean, I it's amazing how much you know about your friends without seeing them at all. I am hairless, virtually hairless like a seal.

Well, this is I don't know if you if you want to if you're done talking your girlfriend. Can we just wrap this up. All right.

We're going to go with me. It was great talking to you. Love you. Love you too. If you can't, you would have. Yes. Well, I texted Birch's now.

I lied and told him I was on a Zoome call. Yeah, well, I wrote, Hey, I'm going to work.

Sam, are you all right? Not true.

Good talking to you. Let me love you. Love you. Bye. How long do you fucking talk for it then.

Oh you see new me.

Just see something. What do you fucking locked up man. I did it. Yeah. Nice, nice, nice, nice. I use your phone for a minute.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me tweet for you. No, I would never let that happen. Why.

Because it was just because it would be a nightmare. What would you tweet top five chances. You get to tweet for me. What do you tweet?

I mean, I would start off just being, like, thinking about showering inside today. Maybe one. OK, number two. Yeah. Thanks. OK, there you go. There we go. It's amazing how we used to do this, like when we were like young. We just get on each other's Twitters and the most horrific things. Yeah. And no one laugh. And now it would ruin our careers. Like for Chrysler tweeted, I would not ruin ruin you.

I wouldn't do something like that.

Yeah, because. Because you would think that it wouldn't because you know, you could go it was just me. It was like when Jim Carrey tweeted all this shit, he was like, my account was hacked. Guys, do you think. Yeah.

And he tweeted a bunch of shit, I think. I don't know.

Oh, Jindalee. Finally, I'll say this. There is some nounou to bear stuff in the store.

The Hatsune I tried to get an update on, they said they said we still and I think their whole operations are delayed, you know, for all that stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, so poor people ask Megadeath every day. All right, here, sorry. Yeah. Well, what are you going to do? Let's cover anything we didn't cover. Now we've got to go. We do.

We do. Um, thank you guys for listening. Thank you for watching. We'll see you next week.

Bye Bye Birdie. Tom, Tom. And one gobstoppers while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories bird snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call a OK. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what call to Vegas on Katie.