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Let's start to show you this, this is too much to bear. No one came in looking good, looking good. He's burned. Krischer, I'm sorry. Just put the pedal to the metal. It is a perfect way to start off the show. 12 years in the making. It's going to be a fucking shit show. Not everyone is going to. It's going to be a hundred percent. Yeah.

I mean, some prefer black American.

They don't go with podcasting with a fucking asshole. By the way, I look at you like, what are you going to say? First and foremost, by the way, I just want I got I got it.

I got to give a shout out to a guy that I should not deserve a shout out. This guy hits me up the other day. I'm not going to say any names, but this guy hits me, goes, hey, man, I know that racist stuff bothers you and I know you're trying to get it to stop. And I. And then he wrote and then he wrote.

Because if that's the case, man, as a fan, you have to unfollow me. And I went, what an odd thing to say. And then I checked out, like, obviously, if anyone with anything nice about me, a lot of times I'll just follow them and then just go out. Thanks, man. Or whatever.

And so its website and it is Twitter. Is this all white national racist shit like he's a legit fucking racist and he goes, You got to follow me, man.

I'm just giving you a heads up. I'm looking out for you as a fan.

And I was like, motherfucker, fucking like I literally was like I followed him and I was like, I did.

So you were doing something nice about my stand up.

And I just looked almost like one of my fellow brothers doing it right. And give me a heads up, if I'm trying to get rid of this racist, you got to stop talking to me now.

All right. Goddamn it.

And then. And then. And then I started going, like I should probably go through everyone's Twitter is amazing. Like, it's amazing.

It's such a great sounding board for reality. Yeah. Watching The Last Dance, Karl Malone comes into the bus. Yeah. Starts fucking shaking with ever hands with everyone after they just lost the championship. Yep. Shirt tucked in. Michael great job. Gives him a hug. He's such a dork. Right. I wrote. I wrote. I wrote. Karl Malone is a class act.

That's it. That's all I wrote on Twitter. Let me the fuck up. You definitely.

You didn't know all the D. I did not know any details at all about who he was at all. And also I spelled it with a CRL. Oh my God.

What did you learn about Karl Malone?

I'm going to always say allegedly in this because I, I am just going off of Twitter.

I'm surprised that you know that word. But yes, stick to Twitter, by the way. Shout out the fucking Red Bull. Red Bull sent me a care package. Yeah. Of all different Red Bulls and a bottle of vodka. Just send it to me fucking like. Hey, man, if you need some help falling off the wagon, how many days in a row are you sober now?

A lot still, but. Yeah, but I'm not that regular Red Bull. Or is that like a special.

This is a sugar free. It's only got ten, fifteen calories in it. But I am going nuts on fucking Red Bull lately.

You are. I miss it so much. I love when you get a new habit.

I by the way, less than six indoor showers this year.

That's less than six this quarantine. No way.

By the way, no one who shares that stat usually shares it.

I'm an outdoor shower guy. I'm a cold shower. I mean, I quantified it is hot showers the other day. Yeah. And Georgia goes, they're all hot showers, Dad. And they go, not the way dad takes them. Take them in the hose, take them in the outdoor heat like a cold shower.

I have a cold shower, but you get shit done.

Do you feel like you like if you're a cold going into it you can still do that or you like to be hot and then take it?

No, no, no. I knew going into it. Here's the thing. I don't like about showers. I don't like getting into the shower and then sitting there and going, I could not leave here forever. What's the best part? I know. But then I got it depresses me. Really? Yeah. And so I just can't really use it for a wake up.

Oh yeah, I get it. I also wake you up.

What a McLarens 720 s with the top down doing a buck fifty on the freeway.

I we so much to talk to write down Karl Malone write down.

I want to give this before I forget. We ended last week's episode talking about so much all time teams we disrespected. I did.

I left out Alabama. So out of respect I got to Alabama football. Sure. Just to wear for the episode today because they should definitely be in the top five, by the way.

And I got to give a shout out to Barbara Birdcall.

No whiskey cockblock, dawg. I like it fucking.

Yeah, right. I love it. We sold it already. So get one of Burba Burdock. New cops, new everything, and, um, and then once while you're at it, by the way, is such an exciting episode. There's there's there's there's a whole bunch of new to bear stuff. The hat, the fucking hats. They were supposed to be here. I followed up and they said that they're this covid shit has disrupted everything. So it's, uh, it delayed that, too.

You're saying that to the guy that's starting a flip flop line.

We have a hundred boxes of flip flops sitting in court and these are on presale already.

And we're waiting for them to get a thing people know.

It's like it's not like most merch where it's a design. We partnered with New Era. They partnered with like MLB and we have a legit like a legit sports franchise hat.

And yeah, they're like we don't know.

I think this is delaying everything. We're the same thing with flip flops. I put I put it, where are the where is the quarantine? Where where are they sitting right now?

I think they're in China. I think they're in China. We were supposed to go on presell last week. Free water. I have a flip flop called The Dillane. I brought back the deal and I started a campaign.

This bring this is now turning this sounds like an infomercial where guys are like, let me tell you something else. Flip flop. The great the hacks are coming. All right. So let's do so.

I started I started these flip flops and they're sitting in quarantine. They're on presell now, I think. I don't know who gets the free water, get the Dillane, but I, I you know what it was? It was like this this quarantine will teach you a lesson of don't live outside your budget.

Like, yeah, literally there's no reason you don't need the bigger, better thing. Like last night I was going to buy an iPad and I was like, you know what, fuck it. I don't know what's happening tomorrow. Right. I like seeing you.

But didn't you start construction on the new house started because you're like, I'm not going to get an iPad, but I'll build a house. You want to know? Do you want to know what they just said to me the other day? What with a straight face?

Yeah, they said.

So I noticed you're changing a lot of things about the house that you didn't initially wanted you. We wanted to move the pool. We're not going to do that anymore.

We're telling them, like, make adjustments to the design. Yeah, because because it's like it's like all the things where you go, fuck it, whatever dream house. Now you start going, we just need something to live in. Like we need a house where people don't know the address. That's it technically. And and so, uh.

So someone said to me with a straight face, are you still building a moat? And I went, Yeah, we're going to pass on the moat. It was a tremendous waste of money.

We had built a moat.

I was going to promote design. I was going to build a moat. Yeah. It's fucking bad ass, it's pretty cool, koi pond, little bridge going to drive over, do it. Maybe, maybe if this Drive-In movie theater tour works.

Yeah, yeah. That's a really cool. We haven't announced that yet, but yeah. Yeah. Guys, don't hold your breath or hold your breath. Hold your breath.

It's happening. Well, hold your breath, hold your breath. Next week, I'll announce it next week, probably details, details, big talk. I'm you're the first guy doing this? Yep. Yeah. Hey, let's get to all the things we want to talk about. OK, wait, wait. Can we call Warren Sapp again?

Yeah, I don't know if you read his, like, did you text I did. Let me see. This is the last one right here. OK, by the way, tell me, if I don't look like a psycho with all the blue sent to the museum with you. OK, just read it like him said, this is you, what up, homie? Oh, yeah, we argue about. Well, that's that's cool. OK, can I send another thing now?

You text him and say, hey, we're OK.

No, no, no, no. What am I fucking crazy? What? Oh, no way am I going to let you do anything. What do I do? Are you fucking kidding me? I just dodged a bullet. Have you ever seen these videos of the woman walking with a stroller in Russia and the train walked right past? Can I text him? Yeah. OK, look, I was right.

No, look, when I was writing and we give you a shout, OK, OK, you can imagine how can you be physically wrong. Yeah. This would have been. Yeah. If what if I just said yeah. Yeah. Text Warren Sapp. Justin, you just were like, hey, man. If you had to blow one of your teammates, who would it have been, Derrick Brooks, or what are we going to say? Can we give you a shout?

Uh, and while we're recording you guys, you got to talk like you want your you know, you have a lot of black friends, hound. Yo, homey, no. Oh. What are what are you writing? We're recording now, just finish whatever you write then, just finished.

You know, I'm saying feel free to give me a call. You know, I'm saying. Dog, stop, stop, you're talking in its voice texting. Yeah, I'm trying to help, you know. You know what I'm saying, dog it just feel free to give me a call. You know what I'm saying.

Dog, please send up. Get away. What the fuck are you talking to me like that?

Please let me let me talk. No way. Come on. That is a one that is a I got found a new party game. Switch phones with your friends and have them text having them. This is just where white people to have them text, text opposing black people and go, all right, here we go. This is how we treat our friend, would you? Right. We're recording now. Feel free to give. Give us a call.

You're asking him to give you a call? Yeah. Then the ball's in his court. By the way, this is why I never fucked a lot of chicks. So using.

No, if it's 10 percent, you can't even send them. Oh, we're recording now. They say, can we get can we give you a call and then he just writes No. He said no, no, but then would it be does then I feel like, oh, then it's fine. Just, you know, the answer. Can we give you a call? You know, I'm saying. Scott, fucking boys texting. All right, all right, let me let you know what I think.

Let me let me D.M.. Or text a black friend of yours.

No fucking way.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Because I know. Because it doesn't. It's not. Let's change subjects and talk about Karl Malone.

OK, so what did you learn about Karl? I learned no one. Um, the first thing I got is a lot of text of a video of I guess someone played him in blackface. Someone played against him in black. No, no, no, someone did. Oh, I know what it is. Yeah, I know you talking about who should do an impression of Jimmy Kimmel. I used to do impressions, so I got a lit up with those like.

Wait a minute. That's not. I have no idea. It was like. It was like anything you say about Karl Malone, then all of a sudden that came up, which I don't even want to put up. Don't even put that on screen. So I feel like that was acceptable when it happened on lit him up. But now people light them up and it's like kind of I don't know, I'm not standing up for blackface. But that is actually pretty blackface, though.

That is like like I'm not gonna like Jimmy Kimmel, but does it look like a spray tan?

Like a spray? Can I just watch the video with this? Does he talk? He definitely talks like a black guy.

We did talk about Karl Malone loans like real country.

You know, like he think about he making that crazy NBA money. He bought an 18 wheeler. Like what you said, you know, he's right.

I just want to drive a big 18 wheeler. Yeah. Sherman, what a weirdo. He's a good looking dude, though. Big dude.

Strange had had a had a child with a thirteen year old, OK, when he was a sophomore in college.

That was the most problematic, like so like now my all of a sudden class act thing and you mentioned earlier, you said allegedly this happened allegedly I said all this allegedly. I think that's actually allegedly. Allegedly allegedly. She was 13. I don't know. I wasn't there. But I think when you do the math of her, how older? Like, I think I think when he was playing in the NBA, he had a 20 year old son like I know is his son.

His son goes to a different college, but is allegedly, allegedly Karl Malone. This is what the Internet told me. He's a terrifying player.

I mean, like as far as physical specimen, there was nobody that could move like that. It was that big in that.

Can I tell you, man, enough how yolked Shaq is lately? Yes.

Shaq's arms are fucking Benmore. He got out of shape and then he went hardcore in the other direction. I want to be I would be if you could be best friends with any pro football player. Mm hmm. Who would it be? Any pro football? No, I'm sorry, any pro athlete, any pro athlete, you could just be friends with them. Michael Jordan would be a good one to be friends with Shinobi.

Just fun. But will he be way fun?

Can I tell you why you think Jordan would be a good to be friends with just because he's an icon?

No, I have a feeling, you know, I have a feeling he's the kind of guy you can go like we should do this.

And he's like, at least I can do it. You think so? Oh, did you watch? I would think that Shaq's more like that.

For real. Yeah.

He's like he'd like to have a good time. He goes like, well, D.J. at a festival. Yeah. Shaq does seem to have a good time. He's all I would never I mean, no disrespect, but there's a lot of guys I didn't would never want to be friends with, of course, like the ones that take things way too seriously. Yeah, but Jordan didn't feel like that.

Like he was like I think Jordan is pretty like for who he is and what he accomplished.

Like at least in that in the dark series you go like that seems like a pretty reasonable personality to have.

If you're like, oh no, not at all. You don't think he woke up before the finals, had two beers, played the piano, smoked a cigar and then went to play. I cannot have two beers and then go do anything.

I'm saying his personality in the dark in the last dance you go you don't go like this guy is a dick or this guy is too full of himself, like he seems reasonable enough for who he is.

But now everyone's coming out. Like Scottie Pippen said, he's pissed off at the way he was portrayed. Gary Payton said he was pissed off the way he was portrayed. Like everyone's angry at the way they were portrayed. Horace Grant's upset because Grant's really upset. Seems like I didn't snitch. I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, and they said that that the doc portrayed Michael more than the Bulls as a team.

And it's like, yeah, yeah, of course not. By the way, that's who we went to go see. Yeah. That's who everyone was looking to see. And by the way, you wouldn't have any of like he he is the reason the whole team was elevated. I mean it is a team, but come on, of course it's funny to see Rodman just be a regular guy in the background.

You mean like in the footage or like in the interview. In the footage. In the footage, just to see like they're just hanging back him just in like he seems to be a big sweatpants guy. Yeah. But like him just in, like, pajama pants, walking around the locker room, not being a lunatic, just being a regular person.

They had cool Rodman storyline in the in the last dance, you know, like when he was fucking off and they're like, where is he. I like when when Jordan told the story he's like Rodman said he needed a break and he told Phil Jackson and Jordan Jones, like, you can't give this guy a break. Yeah. Never come back. And Phil Jackson is like, go ahead, take a little break. I love Vegas.

I would do that in a heartbeat. Like he goes, you would be Rodman. You're Rodman.

Yeah. Like where I go, I'm going to do me. Yeah. And you'd also be like, I just want to blow off some steam for a couple days, go by and go be in wrestle mania for you that you would definitely do that. Yeah. Someone someone was asking me about your wrestling shirt like watch it and stuff and so I go, I go yeah man he's got, I go, you should see what he's got lined up for magicians and they're like what.

Like he's really obsessed. He says magic isn't real. I think it is.

I think it is.

I might have to use that storyline as soon as we're done with this wrestling heat we got to get from these fucking rabbit molesters.

Yeah, I was at the Magic Castle the other day and I got to tell you something I call bullshit.

All right? Carmelo's covered. Carmelo's covered. I am a fan of the way his sportsmanship. I like to reassess my. Yeah, the sportsmanship is cool sportsmanship.

You lose the championship and you get on the bus and go, great game, guys, fucking badass.

That is great sportsmanship. I was talking about what losers I thought people were who were critical of the fact that Michael was a bit tough and aggressive in kind of a bully. I saw this article written by this fucking soy boy who said that he was like he's like, you know, when you watch the last dance, like you realize that, you know, you don't have to be like the way Michael was.

You can still be a good guy and win the all the championships. And then he cites his examples. And all I know for sure, reading that article, you're like this was written by a piece of shit. This guy is a loser. He's encouraging people to, like, just be mediocre and don't push like people who achieve what he achieved are different.

They I admire it. I'm saying I'm not even I'm not that guy, but I admire people like that. That can be. That like that driven and be like, I'm going to win at all costs, I mean, I don't know how you don't look at that and go like, wow, that's that's something to aim for.

It would be cool to take, like, all the goats and put them in a room together and see which one rises to the top. Like who becomes like who gets up.

It's interesting. There's definitely going to be a personality. It's like MJ's it's like those other ones who are like that. But it's not going to be one of the like.

I would love to I would I don't really know Chapell at all. Like, at all. I mean, I don't even think he'd know me if I walked into a room. But I've met him before and. I wonder what he's got the Jordans got like, I want to see the similarities, that's interesting.

I think it's different, though, in entertainment. It's funny. It's funny. It's not to and I know that he would deny this and he would shut this down this conversation down immediately, but could be argued. Joe has got hardcore goat traits, right?

Oh, yeah. And and also will like not never be like I don't know, we're talking about I'm a regular guy, I'm just a regular guy and you're like I've seen you operate.

Yeah. We're going to a different clip than everyone else but like but.

I would love to see I just like get Tony Hawk, Dave Chappelle, Laird Hamilton or Kelly Slater, like, see their shared tracks and see what's the thing where they their brains click. I think Dave's different of it just because of the type of thing that he excels in. It's a it's just different than, you know, with with sports.

There's such like a clear objective goal.

You're like you've got to do like work on it in sports, too. He's like the world, you know. I know.

But like I like the way that Joe approaches the podcasts, his podcasts that lines up more with that driven sports mentality, like he's there five days a week, he's doing multiple, three hours, and then, like, still getting, you know, still spent time with the family, getting his workouts and working with these, you know, just doing all this shit.

It's different with stand up stuff because I think Chappelle and Jordan have the same. The same. I think Chappelle and Jordan have the same similarity of of I don't see failure as an option.

I do what I do. And yeah, see, that's interesting because Chappelle is the why wouldn't you have two beers in the middle of the afternoon smoking joint and then go to this pitch meeting and then show up to the club, have a couple drinks by the way, I'm speculating I don't know Chappelle's drinking or smoking habits, but I know that he's not a guy that, like, he'll just have like, I'm guessing.

So it wasn't that. It was that in the last in the last episode where they said the thing about him is that he's present, he's like present. He doesn't look at any opportunity failure. That was really interesting. And that's something that I think they nailed that most people probably never thought of. And you're like, oh, yeah, he's like, you're just here right now. Like right now. Same thing. It was about taking a shot, right?

They said, yeah. Like he doesn't go like, what if I miss the show? I'm taking the shot yet.

Why would I ever speculate missing. Yeah. Why would I? I would just think of how I will sink it.

But then I think I guess the part that I struggle like with the comparison is that like, you know, they their athletes, especially like like Mike, are you know, they're so driven for all the work for a comedian, you can be a great comedian and, like, get up at one, you know, I mean, and like it just kind of drag yourself in and still be an amazing comedian. So I guess I think the work way, you know, here's the deal.

I remember hearing Seinfeld, by the way, and once again, allegedly, I think keep saying allegedly just I don't remember totally all these things. I do remember that I remember them, but I could be wrong. Um, Seinfeld saying about seeing a bunch of people, a bunch of guys that were building a building or something in New York, and they were coming back for lunch and going right back to work.

I know what it was. I'm all right. Yeah. And he was like I mean, I looked at my job that way, like I should be working all day.

I had two thoughts. I think I've said this maybe on this podcast, but I too, thought I was like, No one. You don't. I work all day regardless. I don't you may not see me clock in, but my brain does not shut down for comedy like, oh shit, it's Spotify.

Hang on, they're offering a fucking hundred million audio.

Hey, we'll take it.

OK, so that joke almost went horribly wrong.

But but but but the other part of it is like I don't think Jordan ever looked at what he did is like as like work.

Like I think that's the other shift is I don't think Chappelle looks at comedy is work. That's his calling. Like, I think Seinfeld. I think you're totally right.

I think Seinfeld, it may be his calling, but he looked at it as a job.

Right. A job he loved. And then he wanted to be extremely professional.

I want to he want to be proficient at his job.

And I think and I think the difference is there are comics, there are definitely comics that look at this like a job, like you got to sit, you got to write. You've got to like you've got to really work at it. You've got to you've got to get on stage. You've got to do this. And then there's guys like that goes or you can just be the thing that you want to be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And be that that I subscribe more to that Jordan Chapell. Like, I just I'm a comic and I can't help who you are.

It's parts of my brain that is broken.

Chris Rock, he said the difference between talking to him about him and Chappelle and he said Rock said he goes, I go to sound check.

I, I, I want to see the venue. I want to see the how the lighting is going to be. I want to hear the sound. I want to know where everything is.

And he goes, Dave can just get on a plane, land, be asleep. They wake him up and they're like, it's showtime.

And then he just walks out. He goes, so like, yeah, the different you know, that's his approach. Like, Chris wants to know where like what is this going to look like and have it have like, no surprises.

Dave is just like, where are we? Yeah, go do the show. I'm not like Chris, I don't think I've ever done a sound check. Really? Yeah, I just I can tell you what I don't like in sound. And not to be obvious. I guess I do do the same sized venues Chris Rock does theoretically. I mean, we're all doing the same size venues. It's the theater. Yeah.

So it's not like I mean I yeah. I just tell them I'm very low in the monitors, like it's like, you know each other. No. Never met Chris Rock either. I met him once but he wouldn't know who the fuck I was.

I've met Chappelle. Six or seven times, including twice where I've opened for him and on the last time that I saw him, he was like, Oh yeah, man, I've heard about you.

It's better. That's better. That's better. That's better that they met you a million times and then heard about you. Yeah. Who was I just talking to the other day that said I met someone.

I was just talking to someone the other day and they were like, I met someone who spoke at my graduation and and he goes and then all of a sudden I was working with them and I was like, I was going to go, Hey, man, you spoke at my graduation. And then he goes, You know what guys? Like, I'm a big fan of this guy. He's like, don't even throw that hat in the ring and be like, oh, yeah, cool.

It's like it's like now the thing is to it's like, you know, when you put yourself in the mindset of like, how many people does this guy meet? How many people come up to him. Yeah, I was just like, oh yeah.

Yeah. Nice to meet you too.

Yeah. I mean, I, I would, I could guarantee Dave Chappelle would not know who I am. I could guarantee. I don't think so. I could guarantee I don't think Chris Rock would definitely not know who the fuck I am. They they are both pretty aware, especially Chris, of like. He's really into the world of comedy, who's out there, who has specials, he would he would pull it out. You ready? I'm going to do list of comics.

You told me if you think they know who we are. You say yes. You say no. OK, OK. Jerry Seinfeld, 100 percent note does not know who I am. I already know that.

I think Seinfeld knows who both of us are. Both of us are. Is that a sentence?

It's called Sebastian. He definitely knows because Jerry's also very into comedy.

So he knows there's no way he he's unaware. Like you've come across his Netflix queue.

Jerry watches Netflix, too. No, absolutely. He definitely thinks so. He would wreck he'd be like, oh, it's weird to see you with a shirt on.

That's what Jerry would say if he met you 100 percent or 100 percent.

Oh, honey, I'm trying to go fashion, but all I'm getting is his other.

No. Wait, I want to. Who are the other ones? Let's go. Top ten top Jamie Fox does not know who either of us are.

I would agree with that. And I would say I would take it a step further. Here we go. Here we go. I would take it a step further.

I would say that he would be disinterested upon learning who we are.

I would I think Jamie Fox would be like, uh, anyway. Yeah, OK, go back. Go back. Dave Chappelle. I would say no for me. He obviously knows who you are. Chris Rock. I would say no for me 100 percent.

Definitely knows. Definitely knows who you are. No, I don't. I don't think so. Definitely that. I'm not saying I know you're not.

I know you're not. But I definitely think he knows you are.

Jerry Seinfeld. I know. Doesn't know who I am. I agree. No, he, I, I know he does. And I went up after him. He's like. Lucy Kay knows who I am, knows who you are, too. Yes, Bellbird know does not know who I am. George Carlin knew who I was.

George Carlin was actually a fan of my mind.

Richard Pryor used to give me props, see Eddie Murphy guess, but definitely knows who you are.

No, definitely not. Say that he does. Well, watch.

Who are you going right now on this game? There's my guy, hey, buddy, we're recording a podcast. I got it. We're playing a game and I need your you to weigh in here, OK?

Because I think you're the one that knows this about this is about black stuff that Neil is Neil. Well, yeah. Oh, Neil just can't. No, I'm telling you, Neil is the key.

OK, OK.

We're playing a game where we're talking about very famous comedians and whether or not they know who we are and we're having disagreements because I'm saying that certain people, I'm sure, know who Bert is. And he's like, there's no way. There's no way. And I'm like, actually, I think they are pretty into what's going on. Like, they they're aware of comedy and stuff. So can I throw a couple of names at you? Yes, now, I don't know specifically who knows, but no, I know, but we're just going with the gut, with a gut in the guess.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, OK, so one of them OK, I think we're going through the list. You go through the list. OK, so he said Dave, does Dave know do you think Dave has any awareness of who. Burtis.

No, no, no aper, did you ever meet David at the Boston? No, no.

I met I met him one time at the Dayton Funnybone, but he was not. But let's skip over.

Dave, are you. He might know you or Jeff.

No. OK, let's say we'll take the loss there.

OK, here's a funny one about you, though, is one time like this is maybe three years ago when you first started to get a little a little heap. Who's Chapell? Go see? I keep hearing about Sebastian and this guy, Tom Saghir. You pronounce it together?

Oh, that's kind of how my dad pronounces it. So he might be onto something. All right. Very good. I'll take that. I'll take that. That's a victory. All right. Now, here's the one where I am convinced and partially because we've been showing you that this person actually has at least knows you'd be like, I know who that is. Chris Rock. He's in the stand up. He knows what's going on in stand up.

I think he's seen I think he would meet Bert and be like, oh, how come?

How come you wearing a shirt or something like that, you know? So do you think.

No. No. Yes or no. Do you think Rock does because Rock is afraid of being out of touch. So he goes out of his way. He knows too. And also the other thing you guys got to remember is like people go on on Netflix. And if you're exactly there was a comic that was on the front page of Netflix that you didn't know you'd be like, who the fuck? Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. Now, does that mean does this translate all the way to Seinfeld, to Seinfeld? Have any awareness of who you think? Do you think?

I'm going to go. No, no. OK, keep going. Wait, wait, tell me why, though, why would he not know if he if he does? Because Sibel's very New York centric when it comes to stand up about Latinos like Mark Normanby, Perino, Sam morale, OK, because they sees them at the club and.

OK, that makes us kind of sees see. And here's the big one.

Here's the big one that I'm betting on here, OK?

And you really are going to make either make me look like I know what I'm saying or not. Is it possible that the great Eddie Murphy has some awareness of who Bert is? I don't think so. God, I thought you said he watches what he does and he does watch a lot of stand up. But last time I saw him, he was like, I hate Krischer hands, motherfucker.

No, I like Eddie, didn't know any kind, barely knew Sebastian. OK, well, behind those bars, well, if he doesn't really know, I asked him if he knew Sebastian was and then Eddie did like the Tony Danza impression. Mm hmm. Which isn't that what he's like is that the guy is like that guy? Yeah. Do you think Cosby would Cosby like Bert? I think Cosby.

I think so, too. Yeah, I don't. But that is that's a good question.

Yeah. All right. That's all right.

I have a question for Bert. Does he think Will Smith would remember him? No.

Bert said no, although although he did call me random as fuck one time to pitch a movie to him.

Well, hold on a second. Birch's said no, he doesn't think that Will Smith would remember him. But, oh, one time Will Smith called him to pitch him a movie.

You know, it was like, no, I don't think I think it was because I don't think it was because he remembered me. I think it was because I was pitching a movie. And all of a sudden Disney was interested and it came back to jail. Who's his partner in jails like we've worked with him will reach out. I think. I don't think. And he just called you on your cell, call me on my cell and was like, yeah, OK.

It's just fucking huge. Screenwriter Burt production. Here's how great pitches he has.

He is an amazing, amazing pitch guy. You want to walk in certain. Sure. It depends what the pitch needs.

Yes, yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. No, no, no one is going well. Yeah it goes comes off. Yeah, yeah. It's, it's quite an ordeal.

Well look Neal, I appreciate this. I got to tell Neal something.

OK, so I was talking to my kids the other night and we were we were talking about we were talking, you know, obviously for everyone not listening. My cousin lived next door to your family. We were talking about your family and we were talking about how many large families and about how many kids were in your family. And one of my kids, I won't put names out so no one gets in trouble. But one of my kids goes, wow, what does that like?

What did you have?

Like, twelve kids at ten? I said, twelve. And one of my kids goes, any special needs kids? And I went, no. And then went, wow, that's impressive.

I mean, that's impressive. That's also debatable. And I know exactly which brother he's talking about. All right. Now, that's great. Thank you, Neal. I appreciate it. Call you later. Bye bye. I'd like to thank our sponsors, Womp. Both Tom and I are aware, um, and this is the best fitness tracker I've ever used in my entire life. It tracks your performance of sleep, how your body's recovered, the stress you put on your body throughout the day and it tracks your workouts.

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Yeah. Do you think Neil would be a hundred percent honest or do you think it'd be fun to just go? Oh, he definitely don't know.

I, I think I actually think he was being very honest. I think he was being honest, too. I've already said at the very beginning, I just think I don't.

But I do think he also I mean, I was I was being very optimistic.

He did agree with rock rock n rock n.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe, maybe he does, but maybe I'm because I'm his brother's age.

Chris Rock singer Tony Tony and I started out together, by the way.

I mean, I don't think Tony Rock remembers who I am, but I've been around getting now, though, that, like, you're on the biggest platform doing stand up multiple times, like you're OK, then that's a great fucking question.

OK, because how many times have you run into people that pretend not to know who you are but know who you are?

Hmm.

I run into that more than people don't know who I am.

Do you mean like strangers or. No, no, no, no. Comics like big comics that will go, oh yeah, I don't know who you are. And they do. And by the way, it's not I'm being fair. It is not the list we read from. There's another list of comics that are equally as big that have found success in different platforms where when you meet them, they go, yeah, I don't know who you are.

And then they'll say something where you're like, hold on, how did you know I did that? And then you're like, Oh, you fucking liar. Right? You've you've known. You knew I was the entire time. Yes.

And you're talking about Arabs, Amita Medda, other guys. Uh, that is that's a sweet guy.

Zack is the one of the few people, by the way. He's very nice. When he when he sees you, he reintroduces himself.

He goes, hey, guys. Like I he's. Yeah. And he's also a fucking laughter. He's like, he'll love laughing with that.

He will laugh at shit like happened once. Really. Uh, Marc Maron. You, Eugene Mirman, did not know who I was and did your podcast, I did my podcast. That's interesting.

Yeah, I think you'd heard of me, but not like he was like he definitely never heard of the situation.

Benjamen People always tell me I look like him each, John. Yeah, he's in New York, people always are like, I think his name is John Benjamin. Uh, it's etched on. Yeah, everybody. And whenever he does something, they're like, Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were in this thing. And I'm like, John Benjamin had a show called John Benjamin has a Van. Yeah, yeah.

And he's funny. Dude, was he the guy who did the show? There was a guy who had a show on Comedy Central where one of his sketches was, Hey man, I got a new reality show called You Can't Film Here. And it was security guard going, hey, you can't film here is like, Oh, thanks for being on it.

Know who that is?

Emo knows who we are. Yeah. Yeah. Is a very sweet guy. I don't think Tim Heidecker would have any clue who the fuck I am. Scott Ackerman would never know who the fuck I am. Like, no, no, no.

I don't think Scott R.M. would look at my stand up and go now that's what I'm talking up. Let me go through this list and I'm going to tell you I'm going to I'm going to say names and they can dispute it. But these are the people I don't know, I'm not going to go with who know who I am. I don't need anyone to know who I am. Although it does feel good in your own business that people acknowledge that you do that do for a living.

But but here are the people that would not get what I do. I think Maria Bamford would love what I do. You think so? I think she would totally get it and see what I do and go, I don't need the shirt. I get it. It came off. But I think he's a good comic.

I think Maria Bamford would love what I do. She's phenomenal. I think Bob Odenkirk would love what I do, Pat, and I know loves what I do. He thinks I'm a fucking genius.

By the way, I have a podcast with him in a little bit, but I think Peyton's fucking great fucking DVR orbit he used to do.

No, but he is he is very, very talented.

Sarah Silverman saw me get my ass waxed when I got my ass waxed and said it was one of her favorite things she's ever seen. How did she see it? She it was a long time ago. You could get passed around like people would see it was on VHS and she saw me get my ass waxed.

And every time I saw her, it would be like, that is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Louis C.K. thinks I'm a very nice guy. How do you know he's I just texted me to email me the other day, the other day, whatever it's like a year ago. And he said, I think you're a very nice guy.

But no, he's he said it's very nice to see the sex I've had. He says, Really? Yeah, that's very nice. I was a really great text.

I was text or email was an email. I only have his email address. I don't have a phone number.

And he said it's really nice to see the success you're having. Yeah. He said, uh, yeah. You're going to get the email. Yeah. I'm assuming it's in a special folder.

It definitely is. By the way, I keep I keep certain emails, Petraeus, that he like you? Yeah, he did, but not my comedy like like but I in all fairness, I'd only been doing it two years when I was around him.

So like but he liked me so that he'd tell you what you're doing and shit. Everyone tells stories about how he was like what the fuck are you doing up there.

He used, you know, his his. He he was very he was very complimentary of what I did, but he would take what I did and then fix it for me. It's like the perfect I mean, I've told this a lot, but. The story, remember the joke you have about touching cops faces, yeah, that happened with him on a plane, I was getting cut off by a flight attendant and I didn't realize it was happening.

I knew it was happening. As for beer, she can't she stopped and then leaned in to tell me I can't talk to you anymore. And I put my finger on her lips.

And he saw that like. What the fuck did you just do and didn't get mad at you for that? No. And and she ended up letting me drink. I told her, I'm trying. I'm trying. I can't do two things at once.

And so let me see. Let me see your phone. I'll find it.

I got it. Hang on. The tour dates and Utah dates, no, no, I'm not giving you my phone, let I can. I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to do anything. I'm just better at searching.

No, I deal with him all the time. I watch. I got it. Utah dates in tour dates. L o u i often Louis C.K. comes up in my. In my. My dad, Bert, do you know who Louis C.K. is when? In November, they get that idea. OK, here you go. No, all that well, I don't know where it is. Just like when you saw Nirvana. No, no, this is I'm just not giving you my fucking phone.

I don't trust I'm not going to Bert. I'm going to trust you. I'm not going to answer your phone. Just let me look. Come on.

I know I can tell you it was a year ago. If I promise you I won't do something, I'm not going to go ahead and do something with your phone because we want to change the password.

I didn't even think of that, Tom. That's where my brain is. So what are we talking about?

And can we see this this something I've always wanted to do with it? Lock your phone. OK, lock it. Hang on. I'm so close to finding Louise. 20, 20. No, 20, 19.

Definitely, you have to trim some of this out. No, we don't, because this is what makes podcasting great. Here we go. Nope, that's not it. Can you lock it and hand it to me? Yeah. It's want to say, I've always I think about this all the time, OK, just swipe up. And it worked. No, not an. Faye, let me see if I can fun to do it. What's your password, huh?

What's your password? I don't know. I'm trying to look like 123456.

No, I'm not going to tell you my password.

Anyway, let's what were we saying about how we were on that list? No, Patrice. Patrice was Patrice. Let me touch that woman's face. And then I tried it on stage when we were flying to Scotland. I tried it on stage and Patrice was like that. It's not going to work. You're calling her a flight attendant. She's a stewardess. And he's like, it's not going to work. That next morning at breakfast, he was like he was still thinking about the joke.

I think I think I was ridiculous to Patrice. Yeah. Sort of watch me interact. It was just like it was real. A real combination of, like white privilege and frat boy shit that he had never been around. And so he was like the next morning at breakfast, he was like, a cop needs to be a cop.

And I was like, what do you say? Say you touch a cop's face that fucking because no one. And then he broke down the concept of touching someone's face. He was like, man, when you talk, that's a prison fucking move like. And then he theorized about touching someone's face about how when you touch your face, you take the power away.

Yeah. So the fact that you touch a cop's face, the guy with all the power, you touch his face and then and then like just working from there. And so I went on stage at night and I said, you know, cops say when you touch your faces.

And he was like, that's the joke. Yeah. So I'm. But then but but I but I drove. Definitely drove. Does the major know he should. Yeah, he definitely should. Like you. I think he does. I mean I you know, I think Dimitri and I are on very different now.

Different like just working in a very different level now. Yeah. Same guy Debrosse.

No he does not. I met him and I met him doing a show together. And not only did he not know me, but Malandrino started to autograph something for me. He was like, Melanie knows who I am. Yeah. Hussein knows who I am. Mara knows who I am. Yujin did not but does now Mike Birbiglia does h. John does not. Todd Barry definitely does. Janine does not. Although we did have a great fucking.

Do you think that that lady who just who just pled guilty to the the college scandal looks like LeAnn Lori Loughlin. Yeah, I don't know. You think she looks like LeAnn at all? No. Really changed my fucking password.

Oh, God. Oh, I didn't see Lori Loughlin in here. No, but I'm saying, like, when you see, like, those images, you're right.

You've been seeing a lot of different of Lee-Anne and different people. That does look like LeAnn. Oh, yeah. The other one.

Yeah, the other one was someone. But that was like that was because it was the image was far away. This I think looks like her. God damn it, I can't. What are you doing? I guess you can e-mail from Lori Loughlin. It does not look like in that picture. Right. Go back there.

Let's go back to that list of I'll clean this up and then we'll move forward. With Kirk Fox. Janine and I had a great moment at what you would call it, Eddie Izzard definitely does not know who I am. Paul Tompkins does Giraldo did. Vatican, of course, doesn't. Did Greg Giraldo like you? I don't know.

I mean, yeah, I think so. He was very nice to me, but I was so below him like I was working the door. Yeah. He was a really cool fucking dude. And by the way, yeah, I, I called him one time.

He was doing my he was doing cowhide show and I called in to listen to him do radio and, and during commercial break cowhands like hey Jarrel just you know, Berts on the line. And he was like oh what's, what was he promoting. And he was like nothing. He just called to listen to on radio. And he was like, Oh, that's so sweet. And we ended up talking a little bit. Heidecker does not emote, does Aquaman does not.

Norton does. Reggie Watts does not. Dana Gould does not. Eric Weinheimer does not. Eddie Pepitone does. Harlen does does. I think Kendler.

You think he's a big fan. Yeah.

Yeah, I think I think Kendler What.

I think Andy Kindler. What he. Likes is to dislike something, and I think I give them a lot of stuff to dislike. I think he looks at me and he just starts pulling his fucking hair out.

And he was like, all I had to do is take my fucking shirt off. Yeah, I would pay money to watch Harris Wittels his past. I don't think he did. John Doar does. I think Greg Barrett does. Beth Lepidus. I don't know her son or the list. All right, Kathy Griffin does but wouldn't recognize me, why? Because I I had met her a couple times. I worked with her one time and then I saw her and she didn't know who I was.

Do you push when you know? Just. No, let it out. I used to push when I was in high school.

In high school, I had a theory that if it's sound speaking of Will Smith, his stream is aggressively loud.

Really? Yeah. I took a piss next to Will Smith. Can you call him? Yeah, try. He's going to be crazy how much he sounds like a white guy when he's not like on. He almost sounds like a vet, like a. Will Smith did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's just see what happens. Bigger and bigger. OK, we go. He does that. Like if he doesn't know that people are listening, he sounds like a bro.

Like you don't even sound black. I'm not. I'm just saying you'll hear it.

Oh, hey, it's Burt, Burt, you're on our podcast. Sweat equity right now, is that all right?

All right. What do you say? You're on my podcast. No way. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Sixty nine.

Our podcasts are sixty nine right now. How are you doing, man? Good. Good. How's Tampa, Tampa's hottest.

Yes, this is really strange. I was just talking about you about 15 minutes ago.

This is this is a joke. Do you still get Fresh Prince money? Let me call let me call you. I'll call you right back, OK? There's a guy I know named Will Smith.

It's not that guy's real name is Will Smith. And I was like, yo, bro, it's I used to do that.

I used to save friends in my phone as Tom Cruise.

And so Lorenzo would call and it would say Tom Cruise like a fucking send it to voicemail and like Tom Cruise is calling you right now. I was like, oh, you not want to talk to that fucking guy.

What was the last time you got in a fight? I can tell you the last time I got into a confrontation, OK, it was 2009 in that's how long in January or February of 2009, and this was a physical confrontation.

I was going down Sixth Street in in L.A. and I was turning into the LABRADA pits.

I was shooting my special the very next weekend, my really dumb I was turning left into the tar pits to go onto that park. And there was a like a Mexican dude, kind of like like like taller. It's hard to explain, but like an ethnic dude, like Latino maybe. And he was walking slow across the thing. And I had already started turning and he slowed down and looked at me like, fuck you. And I had a backpack on and I went and I honked and I scared the shit out of him.

And his backpack jerked up over his head and I started laughing. And then I fucking zoomed around him and he lost his face like Fogo.

And I put it in park, threw it in reverse and and I zoomed up to him. I said, what the fuck did you say?

And he got in my window to fight me. And he smiled and he had adult braces. And I thought, I don't want any piece of that kid.

That is a kid whose parents did not give a fuck about his smile. He grew up with no privilege, but is a kid who's had to scrap his way through life.

And now he's probably in fucking community college. Right. Got his worked his way out of prison, community college. And the one thing he noticed is that you don't get far in life with all jacked up teeth and he's trying to fix it himself. And here I am diverting him back on the path of badness. If he's going to get a fist fight, go to prison. He goes, I was just get my life straight. I got my adult braces and everything.

And so I fucking took off. Wow. Yeah, I sense that. I mean, what was the last time you actually, like, hit somebody?

It's got to be college. Yeah, I haven't punched someone in a long time, you know what I never got to do?

I always wanted to do, like, hit someone with my elbow.

Like, did you ever have famous realize of how you would fight people?

Yeah, of course I would have. I still have. This is guys talking shit in his car, goes to get out of his car and I kicked the door on his head, like as he opens up, I kicked the door and it hits his head and he goes unconscious.

Yeah, I think I fantasized about that. Yeah. Like I fantasize about the door slam. I've never done the door slam dunk.

But I say I've fantasized, I've fantasized about it.

I fantasize about fights a lot considering I don't fight at all like I don't fight.

Yeah. And it's even more so now that I'm that I'm an adult. If someone cut me off in traffic and talk shit to me, what I do is I let them win a reward that bad behavior, because I know that if I do that, they will see value in that bad behavior and they'll continue that bad behavior until one day they run into a fucking MMA fighter like Brendan Schwab, who decides to scrape the fucking cement off the driveway with their face.

Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, keep doing it, man.

I'm doing your winnings. There you go. Like, hey, I go, no, I stutter. So like I say, I cut you off in traffic and then light me up. OK, I'll be in the car next. You just pull up and light me up, ok. Hey, what the fuck you.

And then I spent my own car, right, and then they go, what do you spit in his own car and then they take off, they go, I fucking kill that. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you play mind games with them? Yes. But one time I remember this is like one of my early like for me it's like very L.A. I was living on the east side of town and I'm at a gas station off the 101.

That is like in a it used to be a super dicey neighborhood is one of the neighborhoods I started to shift into like hipster neighborhoods. Right. But you're still it's on the line. Amazing.

The softest white people are the ones that shift it. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Crazy. But then you saw this.

No backbone, no knowing how to fight, roll up their tight pants, skinny take.

They'll take over fucking. They did.

They're the ones. And by the way that gentrification shit is hated by people of color is that. And these are that. We get it. We. So what happens if we want to talk? I don't know. Yeah, you know, I'm just I heard you earlier, Tom, though I'm sorry. That you wanted to it off? I don't know, I said I don't know what happened. What happened? Well, no, I just heard you earlier say that you've always you said you wanted to elbow someone in the face.

Yeah. Was there is there a video coming up? I'm certain there's a video coming.

What is it? No, not yet. But can we finish the thought and then you'll go to this? OK, just go ahead and tell you the time to tell me.

Well, I was going to just offer my face if you wanted to elbow it. What for us both now, just for Tom, I can elbow you in the face.

Yeah, if you want to do that, like I'm a company man, and if that will make you happy, I'm I'm open to doing that.

Yeah. Yeah, 100 percent.

OK, yeah. Let's talk about it after the show. OK. OK. It's good man. I don't know.

All right. Jesus, I'm sorry.

So I've never had anybody volunteer to do something like that elbowed in the face. Where do you help them. On the cheek or the teeth. Well, the thing is, I would it's interesting.

I would think that the goal I would want to do either at the front door or like I area, you know, just destroy someone's whole orbital bone.

Crack this man, we were we just saying. I have no idea. What we just said about you were telling me about your by. Oh, my God.

So sorry I moved this and I'm going to have to work early morning like, you know, rush hour.

Yeah. Stop for gas. And I'm in rush hour.

There's an Asian guy in the car. He does your radio and you say, don't ever touch a black man's radio. Exactly.

So I'm as I'm putting gas in the car, I know I've told the story before, but it has stuck with me for fucking 15 years putting gas in the car.

You know, it's probably seven, eight o'clock in the morning or something. A car. I guess had gotten gas and is zipping through the gas station parking lot, like way too fast. Oh yeah. So as I'm putting the gas in this guy, I go through, like, between cars in between the islands, you know?

And so I just looked up and I was like I shook my head and like, you know, the other guy putting gas in his car looks over and it's like, you know, just like, what a fuck. And it's like nonverbal, right?

You shake your head like, what a dick.

And then I just hear and this dude went in reverse and he pulls up and then hits the brakes. This guy is in a piece of shit.

I mean, rusted out shitty 25 year old car.

This is what is great about men, OK, is that men assess the fact that you're describing his car. You have done a profile of this in your head already. My wife does not do these profiles. This is a fucking it's a shit box.

He is he has black hair that is like like a mullet like long in the back. He's got on like a trucker hat and he has a thin black mustache not fully grown in, like just a little bit. And he looks like a piece of shit, like he looks strung out kind of.

So I just hear and I like zips back, hits the brakes and he goes, well, subduct like like that from his car. And and I look up like talking to me. Yeah.

I go, what's up? He goes, you're acting like you know me, homie. Oh, my God, this guy has already won the fight with me. Oh, yeah, and I was like, huh? He's like, what's up? And this is because he saw me go like this. I shake my head. He broke the law and then he saw you disapprove of him breaking the law, then I do like what I do. The assessment, this guy, he looks smaller.

He looks I mean, like a totally different class of human.

Yeah.

And he's in and I look at the whole thing and I just go now.

And he was like, as he's looking at me, he goes and I fucking rip smoke zips out of the place.

Now in my mind, in that quick assessment, I thought, this is someone willing to murder for seeing someone shake their head.

Amazing. I really did think that I remember amazing individual that needs to be cast in something. Oh, like a reality show where is just like called roll the dice.

He's for sure dead. There's no there's no way he's alive. This guy is not alive. But that's like when you hear in the news like this morning at a gas station, somebody fucking shot.

That's the guy. That's the guy that that guy.

Like, if you looked at his face, the car, everything, I think looking back on it now, you go meth.

This is a real like a legit method.

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Get started. A ship station Dotcom today. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in cave. That is ship station dotcom. Then enter the code cave ship station dotcom make ship happen. There is. There is a way to run through life. Just head first like a bull where you don't bump into a bunch of people until you do.

Until one time you do where it's like, you know, it's like, it's like an I love.

One of my favorite things in the world is going I'm going to tell you, it's like one of my favorite things in the world are those videos of young kids in a public situation being the bull in a china shop.

Yeah. And no one's going to talk back to me. And then an old man fixing it. Yeah. Did you ever did you ever see the video on the subway of the guy Youngblood?

That guy where the kid was going around just mad dog and everyone, and he goes, you picked the wrong motherfucker and this guy gets up. It looks like he's been painting houses or something, but he is a big man and he beats the fuck out of three kids.

Really beats the fuck. Please tell me you can find this type in young blood train. Young blood train fight. Uh. No, that's damn it, just train. Old man train fights, not the call, the ambulance, the bus saying, no, no, no train fight. You just type in train fight. And then type in old man or older man. OK, this is a train fight, William Nelson's brutal. Yeah, OK, OK.

Oh, this is awesome. So wait, hold on. Let me set it up, OK?

Because I don't think this is the by the way, by the way, before you place, we were talking about, you know, fight fantasies. Yeah. For 15 years I've had fantasies about having played that different with that psycho in the gas station.

Wait, how did that. That's why it's ok. OK, I am going I imagined him going like, what's up dog?

And I'm just going, what's up? And then him being like, you act like you know me. And then instead of being like I'm just walking over to the car and since he's in the car, I always thought, like, he maybe has a gun. He looks like someone who would probably carry a gun. Yeah. But like, yeah. Going over, punching through the window, not the windows down, like punching through the opening and beating the shit out of him in the parking lot and then having his car because slowly roll back like into the actual building just.

Yeah. With him passed out.

You know, can I tell you my fantasy. As you told me the story, I had a fantasy. So so so say it to me. OK, what's up doc?

Hey, what's up? You acting like you know me homie. Tim is it Tim. Oh, and then I walk up to the car. I'm sorry.

I thought you were kidding. Did you. Did you gotta. I do fucking know you and you're a bitch. That's my fantasy. It's a pretty good one. I can really quickly go into fantasies. Can I tell you a hardcore secret.

Feel like there's some rage beneath the surface with Bertha we don't know about. I have never, ever, ever, ever told and I'm debating.

Let's watch this first and then I'll and I felt like, just so you know. Right then you're going to be like, I killed a black person one time.

Just a person, Tom. Just people.

All right, let's see this fight video know just to set the scene, because this is a seven minute fight. This kid has been, I think, tormenting just about everyone on the train.

And by the way, I don't know if that's really what happened, but in my head and then your head and my head, he's been tormenting everyone on the train.

The right video. This is the right video. All right. I'm so excited.

He's way bigger than way bigger, by the way, he was painting houses. Yeah, no, don't. OK, this is aggressive right now. Watch this. Watch this. This is big mistake. You fucked with the wrong one today. Now, look, is the big mistake. He's out unconscious and the guy comes back and he puts his hands up. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah.

He's already. So this poor kid learned.

Go back boy. I got some guys down here. Just how long is this thing this guy's done. Oh, you know, don't do it again and again. Oh no. I won't get out of the way. Good motherfucking shake. Well, look, he's going to get the other one. What this is so fucked up, this is why you do not fuck with anybody. Is the same guy, same guy. He goes unconscious.

He doesn't know where he's going to. Why they don't have a black woman commentating UFC like this woman here is beyond me.

He's my press pass.

So was this kid harassing? I think this kid was going through like Mad Dog and people. By the way, this is the back story in my head, I don't think. Oh, because he.

Yeah, I don't know if can you see if you can say pull up William Nelson's.

These are real people. Go. Already I already. How do you pull up these exact same names, I guarantee you this went to court. That's how we know their name. Right, right, right.

William Nelson, by the way, you may need to bleep out their names when we just I wonder, what city is that in Colorado? I'm guessing I'm not crazy that I just thought that. Here we go. Maryland. I was very wrong. OK, someone want to make it bigger? Can I can read out loud? Yeah. Make it bigger. Uh, all right. Metro Transit Police have arrested a Maryland man for assaulting another passenger on the metro train, William Nelson.

Fifty two of Morningside, Maryland, has been charged with felony assault for the incident that happened last Sunday around 1:00 a.m..

OK, who's on the Sunday morning shows?

Nelson punching 46 year old Anthony.

That was a 46, 46 year old man as it was traveling through the and, uh, Kostia and Congress Heights Station. Scroll down. Thomas told Fox he was attempting to stop an altercation between husband and two teenagers on the train. So you did have some information? Yeah, Thomas, it all started when Nelson started cursing at the teenagers after they put their feet up on the seat behind him. The dispute turned physical as Nelson started hitting the kids.

Thomas then got involved and suffered a broken jaw, fractured cheekbone in the beating also required seven stitches for his lip. He's rescheduled for surgery.

Oh, my God. But a plate in.

Oh, I just want I'm going to read this. This is I'm saying this as a public service announcement. This is a public service announcement for respect, meaning respect other human beings. One hundred percent and realize that any human being at any point in their life will give you the possibility that you will be drinking through a straw for the entire time that they put a plate in your head. That is why you don't fuck with anyone, because you'd never know.

And I hope there's a 15 year old listen to this feed on the chair, feet on the chair. They put their feet. These kids put your foot on his chair. You put the foot. All you did was put a foot on someone's chair. And the guy said, hey, man, get your foot down. And you went, Nah, that's because you're young and you think you got everything fucking solved. Dude, that is the most brutal beating I've ever seen.

Yeah. And by the way, it's crazy what I what I take away from it.

Yeah. Is that I was like he clearly got done painting houses.

Well he was he had like workman's boots on. But it's like it's amazing. Your memory is like, you know, like in an Agatha Christie movie, they tell you the things you remember, like, you know. And I was like, you definitely gotten paid.

By the way, do I have any comments, YouTube comments? Is there something to show?

Oh, yeah. These are got to be insightful. This is the Canaria or meme posts or anything like that. Yes, yes. OK. Oh, all right, here's from Carolina, Tom is the exact bad influence that every mom warned their kid about from Watts is just comments on our on our on our show.

Yeah, I thought this was like, oh, no, no. How the fuck did that get up there? I'm just switching it up.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right about. Yeah. Respect people in person, especially because that's why.

And by the way, how many times have you had incidents where I know that I have had them where dude smaller than me or guy pulls up in the thing and you let it go and you walk away feeling like a portion of a man that you didn't stand up for yourself. Oh right. When somebody and know that that is the fucking outcome that you avoided.

Right. By just going so sorry.

I meant the respect thing about like I've been in movie theaters where someone puts their feet on my chair and turned around. I dude, I please don't do that. And they're like, oh OK. But yeah it can go anyway. Someone could be like, nope. Which is just fucking that's just it's disrespect. I had an incident I had an incident with I don't ever want to get beat up in front of my kids course.

Travis Johnson told me a story one time, who's Travis Johnson? He played for FSU and played the NFL for like ten years, defensive tackle that he was at a peewee game. And Travis Johnson is like six, five, 300. I mean, you know, he played professional fucking football for ten seasons. Yeah. And he said that one of the other kids, dads, was starting to get into it with him. And he was like being like, you know, trying to.

De-escalate the situation. The guy kept barking and he said that he, uh, he told the guy, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to beat your ass in front of your son. And he'll never forget the day that his father got his ass kicked. And he said the guy was like. Google, yeah, thanks for the reminder, man, God damn it, man, that I can I tell you my one goal in life is to go through life without my daughter seeing me getting beaten up in my front yard.

I don't think that's going to happen.

I get to give a shout out to these gang bangers, OK, I don't know who you are. I don't know. I don't know what. By the way, I'm being very vague about this. Yeah, there is a period there's one night in my life I was in the car with my family, my daughters. I was in the backseat. Liane's dad was in the front seat and was driving. I had a few pops. Right. And traffic was bumper to bumper to bumper.

And we were trying to get across Hollywood and. I don't remember exactly what I did, but I said something like, fuck you to someone who is blocking the street and it was for gang bangers in a fucking whoopty who then flipped a bitch on Sunset or whatever, Franklin and followed us. And it was bumper to bumper. But we were catching lights that they weren't catching and they were running through them. They were running through them to get up to fucking get me.

I remember this so vividly.

You want to give them a shout out because they pulled up next to our car ready to fight. And one of them saw that I was with my kids and Liane and they just went. And took off, they actually chose not to pull me out of the car and beat the living fuck out of me. I remember that so vividly. I remember that. So we were driving down Vine and I remember that they pulled up and they were and I don't even know, I yelled something stupid.

Yeah. Like, fuck, you suck my dick and my window is down. And I knew they were chasing us. They ended and they were chasing us. Her dad didn't know they were chasing us. Our daughters didn't know. But I knew they were coming after us. And I'm thinking, oh, my God, what did I do? I just yelled something stupid out of a car window. And people who are violent for a living who like to be violent and they pulled up next to us like we're cars park on the side.

They pulled up right next to us and they were just next to us. So the driver side, I was in the back left the driver's side was right up next to us. And the driver just looked at us, smiled, went now and I went.

And I think they saw it on my face like I don't want this to happen either. They just took off. That's nice. I remember I got to give a shout out to those gang bangers for not killing me that night.

That's very nice of them. And I mean, I'm telling you, that's why I don't like competition, maybe a competition at all, because I always feel like it could escalate into a can.

They can up into that shit right there.

So we go back to those comments or no meems posts and he yells. Say the way Tim laughs with that face when he agrees with Bernz premise gets me every fucking time keep it high and tight jeans. All right. Thanks, Steve Carlson. Bert. All religions are cults, but 20 minutes later, I can start a religion. God, I love these two so much.

That's been Earl Cody Vaught wrote.

Byrd is now openly arguing why not just be delusional as a life philosophy?

By the way, I have thought about that a lot because I was like I was like, what is wrong with me that I go? Because it's so true. It's like I keep thinking. Thank God that that that fucking turned out. Did you see that list of the top 25 comedians of all time? 125 are Bert Krischer shout out to Chase Leopard. He made that chase leopard. Is he make a leopard really is. By the way, Chase Leopard.

I'll give him another shout out because I know he's going to rip this and put this on his Instagram because he's good like that. Yeah. You mentioned something on a podcast like, you know, one time I did this Chase Leopard will find it, rip it, put it on his Instagram and then I can post it. You share it on mine. Yeah. My ass whacks my for anything I've ever done. Chase Leopard has had the ability of finding immediately.

He is he won a BlackBerry when I had a promotion with BlackBerry he won a BlackBerry. So like a year ago maybe more. I just started reposting things from BlackBerry like the phone I like what an awesome phone.

I just reposted it. I even like what the fuck are you posting this? I remember this.

I was like, because it's an awesome phone. And they were like, no, it's not. It's a piece of shit. And everybody, Superman. And then I kept posting it and then BlackBerry was like, Do you want a BlackBerry? And I was like, I'd love one.

They sent me one. And then they were like, OK, can we partner with you? I was like, Yeah. Oh.

So I had a giveaway where I was like, Hey, you forgot what the premise was. And he he won the black dude.

Let's start a corporate partnership with Nimet. Like let's just decide we want to start a corporate partnership and then they've got to because well bully them into it. Yeah. Oh that's a great philosophy dude. I love that more than anything. I did that.

What, those like three wheel cars, you know, I mean, you've seen those strikes that strike a strike. I mean with two up front, one in back or one up front in two and back I think to a front one in back.

I see those riding around sometimes. What are those called.

I had a. When I was doing birth conquerer, yeah, yeah, the fact grizzly, no, no. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that kind of shite. But I'm saying there's like I was thinking, you know, we should do this like a car, one where it's all you've got to do, here's a cage around it. This is how it works. OK, this is how for corporate this is let me start that over.

This is how a corporate sponsorship works in today's day and age. Me, you find someone with not so much of a social media presence.

OK, you then blow up their social media and say, like, I tried to do it the other day with with the NFL, NFL store, the NFL online store. I was like, what jersey would you wear for the rest of quarantine? And all of a sudden they've got like 4000 replies. And then stores and stores like wait, what? They only have twenty thousand followers. I did it with combo's one time. This is the best one I ever did, was combo's came out with blue cheese and buffalo wings almost.

Yeah. And I was like, you've redefined my palate. I can't stop thinking of new flavors. I want you guys that. Hey guys, send your new flavors. You want four combos and then all of a sudden combos hit me up there like, dude, thank you so much. Like, how can we repay you? And I was like, bro, I'm a fan. Just combo's. Yeah. And they sent me boxes and boxes of combos and that's all I wanted was I want combos.

That's it.

If you love a brand that doesn't have that much of a social media presence, then you find, you know, fucking free water flipflops.

That's my flipflops. I just hit them up. I love their flip flops and I just hit them up. And which brings us to a great point.

Rolex is McLaren, by the way. Oh, I can't. I went over to Bert's house this morning.

I want you to go on line. I want you to look at luxury cars would just go on and on their Twitter luxury cars with low. You're not going to find out the research.

You're going have to spend the time doing it. No, but no. But with a low end Twitters, go on Twitter and type in because you know what we could do?

What? I wouldn't mind giving away a luxury car. Yeah. Get them to give us a car that we strive for. We can then give it to a fan.

Yeah, I would love that. Um, yeah.

I don't want a luxury car. I have no interest in luxury cars. It's so bizarre. I actually so I'm going to tell the story I'm sure. Yeah.

Because I'm going to talk all over you anyway. Tommy was supposed to have a meeting today and he didn't, his meeting was canceled and I was like, hey, I'm right by your house. He called me. He's like, you want coffee? And I was like I was like, did I fuck up one, two beers, one Ka'bah. And so I went out and he was in a gorgeous Yeah.

This thing is seven twenty a spider. Yeah. McLarin it is wild. I'm saying like it is neighbor walks outside and walks around it a couple of times. Gorgeous. Which happened. My neighbor literally saw it, heard it and walked out and did a couple laps.

It's stunning. It's a stunning car.

It is amazing. I wish I. And then he was like, you wanna go for a ride? And I was like, I don't really care about this shit, but Lee-Anne really does.

Lee-Anne really, by the way, it was she was her and the and was screaming and cheering and clapping like she turns into like primal. Yeah. It turns into like old Lee-Anne.

She was like, whoa, she was kicking the fucking Dasch.

I thought at first when she screamed I thought she was screaming like, oh my God, slow down.

She was like, do that again. Get go get it, Tommy. Go get it.

Yeah, she fucking lost her shit. And so I'm sitting out front, LeAnn and Tom go for a ride and just pulling out the street.

It was like wrong and I could hear LeAnn goes, she goes, I be losing my muscles.

I was losing my muscles in that car and they go for a ride and George is like, is there a wild animal in front of our house that George is like, by the way, like six three now.

Yeah, I know. Georgia texted me and she's like, what's going on out there? Because you heard LeAnn scream and Tommy. But and I said, come outside. So Georgia comes outside and she goes, Where's Mom? And I said, Mom's on a ride with Tom. And she's like, What? And then all of a sudden Tom pulls up and Georgia sees this car and loses her mind. She's like, because George is fifteen.

She turned 16 in like a week.

And she we've been looking at cars and she's like, oh, my God. And then I want to go for a ride with Tommy. She was like, for real. Gets in the car. I wasn't in the car. But I will tell you, I wasn't in the car, so I didn't know any of what happened.

I just heard you cross a street. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, my God, I zip down to the stop sign. And I was like, You ready? She was like, Yeah. And then I go up to the next light and I punch it and I goes be she goes, this is fun because she was more reserved like me and it's fun.

And you're like, oh, we haven't even started yet. I was like, oh God, you're going to feel this though.

So then we get to the onramp and we. That's what LeAnn said.

LeAnn goes the on ramp, Bert she goes it. We went zero to forty and like us less than a second. It is it's it's lightning fast.

It's so, it's so fast. Then we're just like zipping around the freeway, always respecting the speed limit.

And then I, you know, I find an exit to get off.

And I was like fun. Right. She's like, that's so fun. This Georgia. It's so funny, I was like, oh, I know you think your dad would do it like this, and she was like, No. And I go, I go, you think he would like to drive? She goes, he wouldn't know where to go fast. And I go, Wait, what? She goes, he would go fast in like a parking garage.

And I go and really she goes and then on the freeway he'd be like, you never know what a car can come out.

And I was laughing so hard. She's in she's in the backseat driving her for so long and I drive her fucking nuts. I'm like, oh my. Oh my.

And she said he would he would like hit something in a parking garage and on the freeway he'd be like, you never know when a car can come out.

I, I fill her up with the most useful driving knowledge. Yeah. Like I'll go. All right. See this guy over there with the tape on his rearview mirror? She's like, yeah. And I go on a side mirror. I go, this guy doesn't give a fuck about life, OK? He broke off his window. He's not going to get a Ismir is not going to get a fix. He just taped it on. This guy does not he's not looking for you.

He's not looking for anything. He's just dealing with his breakup.

So fuck this guy. She's like, how do you know this? I just look at him.

It's what we do. Yeah. When you size up cars around you. Yeah. Like I go, OK, this car up here, it's a Range Rover, but it hasn't been washed in months. That's a fucking liberal woman who's against the environment. Like for the environment. She has no idea how to drive a car. She doesn't deserve that fucking car. You tell her this every time. All the time. And so she I read people on the street based on their car and how they behaved.

Or what would you have said if you were in another car and you saw me in that car?

I go now, that guy has a small dick.

It's so funny because you you were pulled up and I was just gone. It's true.

I know you know me, dog. You're acting like you know me, homie.

I lean left and I saw and I. I knew that car. I know that guy. Right. Yeah. And I was like. I was like. I mean, I was like, do I have any want for a car like that? And I was like, no, I haven't, but I don't know why I don't. And I wish I did know why it's so funny. I know you love cars.

I love Chris. I took Chris for a ride in the other in the McLaren GT the other day.

He we were talking about how whenever you see one of these cars you're like and someone punches it, pro drives that you're like, what a fucking asshole. Always you're always what a fuckin asshole. And then he's like, but then as soon as you're in the car, you're like this shit.

Like when you're in it and you're doing it, you're like, this is amazing. And then as soon as you step out, you see someone else do it. You're like, this guy's a prick, dude. It's so funny because I don't know what it is that I want. That is the equivalent of that car. Like I was trying to think of it today.

I was like, it's so cool that you got into a position in life where it should be noted that you're not like dropping hundreds of thousands of dollars to drive this car. No, it's a it's it's a press car to press car. Yes. But it's cool that you can leverage your hard work for a treat like that experience.

You're like, yeah, yeah.

And I was like and it's even cooler for me to let Georgia two weeks before she's about to turn 16, getting a car like that.

It's like really cool. It is cool. But like, I don't technically care about cars. I was like, what the fuck do I care about? Like, what do I care about? Like, remember when we first started talking about flying private when I would be so fucking amazing? Yeah. And I was like, oh, I love that, but it's not worth the money for me. So like it's not worth it for me. Right.

What is the thing. I can't find it. I don't know what it is for me.

I don't know man. I mean those things I think just naturally come to you. I mean, there's, you know, there's always like you can go on any social media activities, somebody driving a car, going fishing, shooting guns, jumping out of planes. These are all adrenaline things, I guess.

And it's like some of them click with you and some don't.

You know what it is? I was going to say to people like pro wrestling, you know, some people do it. By the way, I'm obsessed with this new thing. Dark side of the ring. Oh, yeah. It's so fucking good on vice. Obviously, it's so fucking good. I've heard it's really done.

Well, people have told me about it. Yeah.

I don't think I get every one of us steps and shit. We both smell it.

I know. Oh I got to tell you this one this that's a fucking brilliant. Did I just come up with that way.

I got to tell you that we're like the Corsican twins. We're going to Internet drama.

So Kristina, ever since, like, the kids were even smaller, especially Elissa's out for when he was like two months, whenever she saw somebody, let's say, walking across the street where they shouldn't or somebody smoking a cigarette, that she goes, that's a dumdum. And she would tell that's a dumdum right there. Yeah. And tell and told and told them.

So the other day he's he's been taking night shifts where he like like I put them to bed and then he'll come be like, this is like not too late but I'm like he's already put me down for an hour.

I'm like, what's up. He's like, I got to go Pooh-pooh. I'm like, all right. So I had been on the roof smoking a cigar. Yeah. And I go down, I'm like, all right, all right. So he sits, he sits down, he takes a shit. And then I wipe them and then he goes. What is that? I go, what he goes. It makes like a big dramatic snow because you don't smell that, and I go, it's probably your shit.

He was like, what's that smell?

And I put together that, it's the cigar. I go, Oh, I was outside. And some of it was burning something.

He goes, You're lying to him like you're four. I know the sun is burning something.

He goes. Was somebody smoking and I know, I think so he goes, was it a dumdum?

And I go, Yeah, you have no idea. I got real dumb.

And he's like, TomTom's shook his head.

That's a dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Oh, I love that you lied back to him like you were for someone is building a fire of cigars out there is a cigar burning. Wait, what was the last thing you were going to say?

You were gonna say something else. Yes, you were. I cut you off to tell you that for once I cut you off. Oh, remember?

What was that? What were we talking about? I don't know. You step and shit wrestling. And then I was like, oh, I gotta tell you, this thing about I don't know.

It's not about I don't remember. Dark side of the ring. One of the steps and shit. Yeah. We both smell it. That was I like, I just like that phrase. No I like that phrase. It's amazing because people always like that. When that whole thing went down, every meeting I walked into, they're like, what's up with that or that. Like it's crazy too. Now everyone's coming to me like how much did Rogan get?

I was like, I have no fucking idea. Like like I always just make up numbers in meetings and I just tell them they're like, how much? And I go, seven hundred fifty million dollars. And they're like, what.

And they're like are you like per episode. Yeah. They're like how much was he getting per episode. And I was like a hundred and fifty million dollars per episode. Like I just make up numbers. But I think that's the fun of this business.

Of course. I mean goddammit, Spotify keeps calling us. Yeah.

We got to rap. Do we really. Yeah. What do we, what do we not talk about.

We didn't talk about Berts football story. Bulgarian football story. I don't know. It's from last year. There's no way you're going to prompt this memory. We got to run.

Yeah. OK, thanks guys.

Hey, hold on. Did we forget anything? I feel like we do we forget anything. I don't know. You're going to announce some shows you're going to do so. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to do so soon.

I said new shirt, new shirt. Could have a whole bunch of new moves.

That's what I want to talk about. The two bears, one Kabe Merche. Yeah, those. Where do we get those.

I want the tie dyed shirts they sold out. They sold out, those are fucking awesome, I know there's a whole bunch of other new ones. Can we do when we do merge, we get one two because I love our merge, OK? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. I love my merch too. But also just fucking awesome. We'll do it. Merch method dotcom slash.

Tom cigarroa for all that other stuff and the hats should be there soon. Bert, I love you. I love you too Tommy. All right. Bye guys.

Bert, Tom, Tom. And where one goes topless while the other wears the shirt, Tom tells stories in bird snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call sandbaggers. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what call to focus one Katie.