What if they said, hey, current celebrities? If we amputate your pinky toe right now, we'll never ask any questions of your past. How many current celebrities lose their pinky?

Don't have like a pool full of toast, like an Olympic sized pool?

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Just got a text from a dominatrix with a dominatrix a. Uh. Sent a message. This one that you've dealt with before. Yup, this is Mistress Isabella. Mm hmm. She tortured me pretty far fucking smoking to pull her up. I think we better on the show we have, yeah. So what do you say? Uh, I was just checking to see if that was still a number.

And she said she said that is a Google number.

I don't know. It's a real thing. Mm hmm. And Isabella Sinclair Gwon Media go down. That's not her. Gwen Maria. Isabella Sinclair Sinclair.

Let's see, what kind of do you ever think like you could get? Is there something sexual that you could get into that you are like the media page?

Yeah, there we go. Scroll here. Oh, yeah, wait, let me hear a talk. Oh, yeah, right there. She's got a pretty aggressive stutter. Come on, I'm kidding. OK. I don't think the media, I don't think is coming into us here at. Today is on June 16th, so let me send a message to your husband, your father or even your daddy and let them know you appreciate them. June 16th, Father's Day.

OK, well, that wasn't as sexy as I thought be neither, but first cameo shout out to a lucky slave in the next one could be for you.

So send me a request and I'll customize some.

Mm hmm. Let's see what kind of torture devices is there is there something sexually that you've never tried, that you're always kind of curious about?

Yeah, I mean, you know what I would love to have to do to you, so because we're we're doing the, uh, the the live show to each other.

Well, here's the thing. I want to hit you with it like a cattle prod. They've got you know, Marilyn Manson just got in trouble for using it. No, it's called the violent wand type in violent wand.

How to get. He almost got canceled by the girl he dated, Rachel Adams. Did Rachel Adams, Rachel Evans, I don't know. There we go. I don't want. Where is it? That's it. Yeah. What am I looking at it like you up, really? Yeah, like, yeah. Oh, you know what we can do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get that, get that. Get that.

Let's see here. Um, a beginner's guide. All right, is it does it say? Shop, yeah, yeah, so let's get these. Violent one. Oh, it's violent, not violent overall. Yeah, I don't get hung up on details. Yeah, well, so go back up to the violent one.

It's that one right there. Hey, why even get a why even spend money on a on a dominatrix when we could just do this to each other? This is a great idea to get let's get order the Vialet wand kit, OK, buy one. OK, so and we can and this is what we can do.

We can each get violent ones and want to wear no pants on this. Right. Will wear no pants but truth or dare.

And then if you if you lie or you don't wanna answer, you could put it in your asshole and you get violent ones. Yeah.

OK, order that.

OK, order a violent wand. Get a good one. Well, this is a live show is really turning out to be crazier than I thought. Yeah, this is because I was down with booze and weed and possibly inaudible and.

But I like the idea of using sex toys on each other was something I didn't plan for.

Yeah, we're technically planning a gay porn. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Do you guys want to watch this come October 15th?

We should do the come challenge.

What's the come challenge where you can't tell like.

It's almost like you probably don't play me and my girlfriend mustard hands, you've told me about most johanson's you take mustard, you put it under the table, you then either squirt it in your hands or you don't and then pass it around and it goes all the way around. Then mustard goes back up top and then you rub your hands together and you have to get to the person, have mustard on their hands. OK, and so it's like it's it's just a way to piss off LeAnn because we're like I was going to say Eila definitely does it.

Georgia definitely does it. I definitely do it. And LeAnn never does it. Yeah, but if LeAnn does it, then we lose our shit laughing because she never does it. So she's done it once and everyone's like, no fucking way. But we did this with me and you.

Well, we do is we either fake Jack off her real jack off right now.

Really jack off and and and then you see us go, OK, did I really have an orgasm or did I fake it? And we got a guess.

OK, is that your orgasm now is just like thinking about. So where do we come into like a bag or something? Ziploc bag. I don't know, I think I think you'd hear that oh, yeah, you probably would. Yeah, we got to also.

This is a pretty bad idea. Yeah, that sounds pretty.

But you're walking me down. Considering that we have, like, legit careers. Yeah. That we're jerking off on.

This is why they have network executives. Yeah. Because me and you, if left to our own devices, would just have sex with each other.

Dude, I got to tell you something, you were kind of convincing me there for a second. I was like, OK, so I'm like, this isn't gay, it's not cheating, it's funny.

And then I'm like, I think we're just sitting in a room with violent ones. Sorry, violent ones. You ever get so close to the forest you can't see the trees. You're just like with you. You're telling me the idea of your creative.

You you check up something else by doing that out. Well, like. You ready to do it? Oh, so we just watch. Oh, we'll just watch porn and I say, Oh fuck, you should come in here not having come in like 10.

So you're really ready to go. And the pictures they got and they're like, we're going to pass. I think we want to get.

Oh, I got it. I got it. This is this is pretty good, but it works.

OK, ready. I get you one of those. Do they sell this on the on the on the sex toy stores.

A theme that goes on your dick. Yeah. And then I control that one actually I like. So I had up making. This is getting better. Yeah. Pull that up.

Yeah. Go to like Adam and Eve and. Oh my God. Oh. Oh, what is that thing? It's going to be I don't know how they it's it's going to be like something for me. It's for him for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you're dating a paraplegic, she can still give you an orgasm. Just blows on a button.

What is that. That uh what are these things. You don't want a vibrating cock ring. This is like a sleeve.

Yeah. Come on. This isn't this is a high end podcast by the way. I think I broke this.

You broke something. That's fine. We'll fix it. Yeah. Silicone rechargeable butt plug, that sounds fun. My secret remote, a vibrating plug. OK, got it, scroll, scroll, scroll. How about this? I do a Google search for it. We each put vibrator about plugs in. OK, we get small ones, not like really big ones, huh?

What is this? I think you just opened up Pandora's box. Holy shit.

Hey, wouldn't it feel weird for you to take it to live here and be like, I can't believe Tom made me come?

Really good. Yeah, because I was the park and it was pretty good, really. I had an orgasm. You had an orgasm.

Yeah, but Tom made me come out. I made him come to. It was cool. Do you think what is. OK, I need to buy all this.

I want the vibrating like pouch, you know, like sleeve. Like you put it in there and then this is just like a ring we need like the actual like the fuck sleeve, you know?

Yeah, it's like a vibrating, isn't it? Like a vibrating or remote flesh type and vibrating fuck sleeve.

Yeah. Remote control, love, what do you what are you looking to fall in love, to love and love, love and someone who has one of these at home? Hmm. Yeah, the booth kind of jumped on that, right? Yeah.

Loren's get on a Levon's approved now is there not like a sleeve. How about how about uh how about remote control blowjob machine. There you go. OK, so this is for a woman, though. This is all for a woman, yeah, it was a hearing aid, it's a hearing aid, looks like a hearing aid. OK, all right. Like, they were like they were on the same page, not looking at it and he's like, I'll scroll through the whole fuckin page for you.

You want me to show you how much it's not the thing you're looking for?

OK, so what are the mail OK.

There we go, the revolutionized male masturbation. OK, now can there's a phone there, so there's that you remote control it over your phone. OK, let's see.

Why don't they have, like, a dude's dick inside this so we can see how it really works?

I think there's going to be an animated one. So I'm predicting. Yeah, but why not? Just like a regular one? I mean, probably pornography law.

Three and a half inches. See, like regular is their volume OK? OK, here we go. Dude. Vibration level, OK? Yeah, I can feel it tingling right now. Warning, warning, low and glowing.

Yeah, let's see. Oh, OK.

All right. That's where you're going in. That is. All right, imaginal. Yep. Flashlight TPE detected o k tetrapod.

Extra pleasure. That looks good. The textures.

Oh what the fuck is that alien.

Oh I thought that was real for us. I know. Interactive the our game. So this has a virtual reality, we should do it on Twitch, select your position. What how is it how does this work?

What do you look at that says nonconsensual sink sinking with Max two? Oh, there you go. Hold on. Hang on one second. Hang on. So the phone does something there, right? Yeah. You control your sex toys.

How does this work? How have they not shot a porn for.

Oh, fucking brilliant. OK, so here's what we do. Here's what we do. We each get one of those and we go in separate rooms and we and we end up fucking each other.

No, here's what we do. Yeah. Yeah. We both put them on. Huh. And we give our wife the remote control. Yeah.

And our wives decide when we have orgasm on and we sleep in it the whole time.

OK, well I think I think those executives you were talking about are going to be weirded out by it. Why is it.

Every time I have a good idea, an executive shoots it down, like I said, his life is not with you. That's what I need. Now, here's the idea. I came ready new show.

It's called. It's here. It's called and canceled. OK, what we do is we take popular cancel celebrities. We bring them on stage.

A panel of canceled experts like Mel Gibson, Roseanne Barr, who have already been canceled, canceled and kind of had comebacks, right?

Yeah. Ben Roethlisberger, like and then they go. So they go. All right. Who's been canceled recently? That's that we know like someone that is you can use, um, give me someone that's been canceled recently.

Anybody? Who's been canceled? Go ahead. I can't think of anyone. Um, canceled. OK. OK, Jesse Smollett, Shane Gillis, oh, yes, he was going to be on SNL. Yeah. All right. We got Kelly Joss's OK. R. Kelly R. Kelly or Jesse Smollett. They go, hey, welcome to UNcancel, Jussie Jossie, is it Jesse, Jesse, Jesse? Yeah, it's a weird name. It's a weird name.

Jesse, you lied about white supremacists hanging you with a rope and throwing bleach in your face. For what reason? We don't know. But jumping chumpy, we don't care. What we care is to get you uncancel. Do you want to be uncancel? He's like, yes, now America is going to vote. And so everyone's on their phone. So they're all voting via phone app, right? Yeah. And you're like. Should just he have a scar from his ear to his mouth and then they're like, no worse and he's like, OK, Jussie, you get into a bathtub full of rattlesnakes and then he's like, I won't do that.

And they're like, OK, that's what we want. And so then he does. That gets bit by a rattlesnake. Yes, yes. UNcancel.

I like your show for a minute. And then I think just the next step, I think it was I like the idea of people voting, people voting of how. Let's let's. But here's the thing. Here's the cool thing.

OK, you add let's bring on your brilliant idea for the light show.

What we can add. We're adding elements to this. Yeah. What if we bring. A canceled celebrity on our show. And we punish them to get them on canceled. We make them have orgasms in front of us. Yeah, well, they're not liking this idea in the booth at all.

Well, here's I was thinking you were going to do the thing you said, but they have to have that sleeve on and we can make them come whenever we want.

Yeah. So that means someone close to us has been canceled. Yeah, there are real.

Yeah. Yeah. Ryan Adams. What was Ryan Adams canceled for. They tried to cancel Marilyn Manson for the for the. He wants I guess.

I guess he was abusive to Rachel Evans, really, Ryan Adams dated the fucking blond hair girl?

Yeah, yeah. I heard about underage teenagers as they're what the truth is, is who the fuck.

But who is he? I think I was thinking of Brian. Adam. Yes. What I was thinking. Who's Ryan Adams? Who the fuck is Ryan Adams? I don't know.

I thought he dated the girl with the blond hair that everyone loved was Tootsie. I don't know. Princess Diaries. I don't know. I don't know who it is. Let's see Schraub to his face. I don't know that he does not look attractive, Singer-Songwriter OK. He's well-known. He is OK. All right, well, he's done. You want to bring him on? Sure. You see, we got Ryan Adams in then, and then we'll we'll get our fans to vote on how to punish him.

And I'll be like, hey, man, you need to cut an inch off your dick. Come on. There's something I know that's too much of a doctor to do it, but what if what if they were like what have you said to a celebrity? Right. What if you had cancer celebrities and you go, do you in order to get canceled, all you got to do, you got to let us amputate your pinky toe?

Do you know my guys would be like a man? What if it was OK? How about this? What if they said, hey, current celebrities? If we amputate your pinky toe right now, we'll never ask any questions of your past, how many Americans celebrities lose their pinky don't have like a pool full of towns like an Olympic sized pool?

Oh, just it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Take a load off. I don't want to. I don't want to. Yeah. Do you want a second one. I have to. Yeah. So much. Oh so many.

The idea I was thinking did you see Chappelle's Emmy acceptance speech. Yeah. Yeah. It was like outside right. Yeah. I think I was doing it his summercamp but we still have not gotten invites.

You haven't gotten the invite now do you think should we lobby? Let's just call Danielle and see what are the odds we'll get invited. I think I can probably answer that before you call him. Really? Yeah. I don't think I don't think we're going to get a call.

I will. By the way, isn't it late October. Oh yeah. Summercamp not over yet. Yeah. It's going to start getting cold in Ohio. It is. He was breathing cold air in that speech I saw. Yeah. What is he got. He's got to be done with the summer camp I guess.

I think he's just liking that since talking's not available really. He had he had Ali Wong, who you're really close with, uh, best friends with. OK, yes. I'm friends with Ali, but not. That's right. No, but we're friends just so she knows. OK, and he had, uh, who else was there? Chelsea Handler. Yes. And some other slam piece like smoke show fucking comedian, huh? I forgot. There's another hottie in all the hot chick comics.

Go do do a show there. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but also, uh, how's boroughs been there.

Bergsman there. Louie was there. Louie was there. Um Donal's there a bunch. Um Jon Stewart. Jon Stewart's David Letterman.

Fucking crazy Sinbad. Sinbad did it. No I'm saying names that I think did Letterman go. I think he did go. Letterman did go. Letterman did go. And then here's here's what we need.

Here's what we need.

Tom, we need to set up a little one of these things for us to do. Ours. Yeah, OK.

Where? Ampitheater. See, the problem is the problem is no, we should do like what he does, in other words, get go to a place that has a few acres like a like a park or something, you know, so, you know, and set up what he does, like an outdoor but but controlled space. What about in Ohio? Yeah, like that's the right. We buy some land. No. Oh my God. I have the brilliant place.

What. Joe's house. Joe Joe Rogan's house, he's got a house here he's not using. We go ahead, Joe Saji like a 50 oh oh no, Joe right now. Yes, we like how many you want to do. He'll be like, why don't you stay at my house, sleep there and and invite other people to sleep there. Do you think Joe is just let us have his house?

Absolutely. But a very Joe kind of thing that I think I should just, you know what, throw the show in my house, forget going outdoors, do it inside my house.

Yeah, well, just go, Joe. We're just going to need your pool.

Yeah. Can we just live there for a while? Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

God damn it. I'm going back on the road. Why? Oh, no, you don't need to.

Why are you doing that? I don't know. I'm serious. I really don't know anymore. Like because I.

Why are you doing so many cases. Because I get so I get I can't just sit on my hands. I start getting antsy and I go, I'm wasting my life. I'm wasting my life.

I've I and it feels so good to come up with a bit and then go like and I miss it. I miss it so much cause I miss it too. And I don't, I don't like like oh Whitney asked me to go to her house and do stand up over there. Yeah. I was like I don't, I don't want to do stand up to everyone's assistant, you know, like I want to do stand up to legal authority. Yeah.

Like it seems fun, but it's like it's I don't know, you see what's going on, how she got like an estrogen compound over there. I don't know. Are you being serious. I haven't seen type in Whitney Cummings Instagram, Whitney Cummings.

Instagram is it is nothing but smoke shows at her house.

Really. Yeah.

She was in the sauna with um old girl there. Look at that. Lieberman.

Yeah. I'll give you months. So I'm supposed to do a show with her. You were. Yeah. And she bailed actually walked out the last second. Why. I don't know. Um so wait what are we looking at. Other girls in the shitter.

All these women are over at our house. It's like she's taken over. She is the female Joe Rogan. She's living her best life. She's the female Joe Rogan. Who's this rock baiter? Who's this guy? Yeah.

Who the fuck is this? I don't know where the boundaries lie. That's already something you don't wanna be tagged. And what who is he? I have no fucking idea what you see.

BOP, bop, bop, zet, popping neuroscience, thank you, click his name. That guy's a Ph.D.. I thought he was a fucking UFC possessed rock fighter. Yeah, Professor, I really thought he was like and then one time, oh, the guy's ear off brain research and education posts are not medical advice.

Yeah. Smart guy. Yeah. OK, well, all right. You see, I have no interest in being around smart people.

No, that's good. It goes back to my fucking. I'd rather be with a mouth breathing giggler than a smart person who's got to pick it all apart. Yeah.

You know, that sounds like that. I believe that you're telling the truth.

A hundred percent. A hundred percent.

I would much rather be with a I'm sorry, but but it's one of our finest minds and you really are going to have to shut up and hear him out.

Let's hear it. What is the purpose of being with someone who doesn't want extra cheese on it? You know what I mean, right?

Somebody just it's like there are all the rules and they got to figure things out and they got to you know, I was thinking about how boring or how much it sucks when a when a rich person is a shitty, rich person, you know?

I mean, and I was thinking that because I actually love when you double down on my ideas. Yes. I really I because I do agree on that. Like I was thinking like Joe's a fun rich guy. Yeah. Like he's like he's he's what you want in a rich guy. Like he has fun, he gets toys. He bought he's he's generous. He gets shit that he likes. He he's like, check this out. Isn't this cool.

Fun. What you want fun rich guys. Yeah. Fun, fun. Fun rich guys.

OK, well you definitely have to have Kuban in there.

Mark Cuban is one of the funnest rich guys. He's a to buy. If you if you're like a rich guy like you get you hit it big and you're like, I'm going to buy an NBA team. You're automatically a four point two billion dollars.

Yeah, like, that's a fucking fun guy, though.

I hate to say that this is like a ohman or a motif or a like a spirit animal. But I'm hearing the word Billiam a lot in my life lately. Yeah. You feel like you're on your way. I feel like I feel like I feel like with certain holding companies, I'm a part of that. I wouldn't be shocked if I ended up being a billionaire. Yeah, if I'm going to be a billionaire, though, I got to start living my life a little healthier.

Why is that? Because I want to get to the billions and then fucking train off the rails, right?

Yeah. I don't want to you know, you get there dangerous rich guy like a really rich guy.

I'm saying. I mean, it would be really wild. OK, two beers, one cave holding court. Yeah. Goes public.

Right. Right. And we get payouts, we get payouts immediately, obviously, our investors that invest in our company, yes, they get their cut worse.

They're now all millionaires, which is cool for them. They never played on the millionaires. But I apologize is the way I talk.

But I am a billionaire at this point, so I'm going to be very fucking blunt. Yes, a lot of them invested five dollars. Now they're a millionaire from that five dollars. Wow, what a return. Because we invested nothing in our billionaire. Right.

And by the way, this is the way this is why I don't like being real smart people, because they already don't have this conversation and they're like, wait a minute, what type of shares are we talking about? Type of pay dividends? And you're like, oh, shut up, I'm a billionaire.

Smart people don't dream, right? Smart people sit there in reality and then pick apart your idea. Yeah, fucking morons dream, right? Put me at a table full of morons and let's pipe dream ourselves a billion dollars. Right. As opposed to give me a table full of smart people in two morons and then have them bully us. Sure we are morons but we are going to be billionaire morons.

Suck on that. Yeah. And so we get our pay-out billion dollars. Yeah. We each get a billion dollars. Yeah. Yeah. Is retirement time ok. You're 50 mm hmm. I'm 54. What was our first purchase? I mean, I totally forgot.

Yeah, yeah, fucking definitely getting a yacht yacht and then, like, the, you know, the Maui Beach Front.

Oh, OK. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. OK, I didn't think that way. Yeah. Do we go, do we get next door houses in Maui. Sure.

Yeah. And we, and it's just stocked with like that that dick leave that vibrates that like I'm always turning my on for you.

I can't believe we went from Turkey each other to be. That's that. Say it again Donelle. See.

Oh yeah.

We didn't finish my accent last. Oh yeah. We never finished your act. There's a few more, a few more of my guys to talk the talk up this idea for me.

Yeah. There's this is Mike Mike who's defending me. Like listen, we're just billionaires and I think we need to buy the bucks, you know? I mean, get them. Yeah.

Great fucking point, Tom. I love this dude. When you have these men in your corner, you can achieve anything.

Yes. Oh, my God. There's one of our friends.

You need confidence, man. Yes. The thing we're spending money on, we're hiring our fucking hate men. Yeah. Oh, devel salaried l'isle full salary.

Just hang around us and just jump in. Kind of be paying attention. Yeah. That's one of our by the way, when we're thinking of business ideas of how to raise our Billiam. Yeah. First thing, it's an app that's a personalized heightmap for you. That's a great one.

So you need a heightmap. And so it's so great. This isn't automatic. We haven't come out with it yet, but it'll be like it'll be like profile you your age and you'll be like twenty eight and then it cool.

What's your favorite accent. You're like Asian. Yeah. And then you get like Asian height man from like like when Dr. King played the guy from. Yeah.

And I think you know what the next step is for the hitman to hype you up. Like right now he's defending what you're saying, but now you need loud to be like, but you have brilliant ideas.

Might your small blow, daily affirmation, daily affirmation wipe up?

And you're like and you're like, you're like and I want that. I want to say whatever the fuck you want. That's what I'm talking about.

I want that guy to do it like a long time. You the shit can't fuck with you like a long one, you know, and we even do. How about this? We even do like a derivation sometimes what we're going to do because it's the way you're feeling so you don't wake up in a good mood. Right. And so you type into the thing. I'm feeling kind of lazy today.

And what it does. You ready for this. Mm.

Is you hear a woman's voice telling you why you're not anything in life and then our hype man comes in and shut the fuck up and tells him, no, no motherfucker, I don't know about that bird.

Get the fuck out to me, you absolute Toby. Yes. Good point. Right. I'm talking about a scheme before you might have had one too many to drink, but the man makes a lot of sense to just pipe down, keep your lips shtoom and let me finish what you sign, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love.

Especially to a woman. Right. I like really shit on that woman.

Like my wife's voice over my wife's voice. Well but you're right and you write checks with your ass. Can't cash shop Toby.

Yeah, he's like shop. Yeah.

He should do one for Lee-Anne, you know, like she's like oh bird always exaggerating.

So that's not what happened. That's not what happened. Yeah. Were you there. No. You won't all shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, bud. Yeah, bud.

Hang on. Whoa, whoa. Stop a second. Let's talk. Okay, let's. And let the man talk. There you go. You need to have that playing in your hand, Sonus.

Yeah. Last night last night she tried to tell she was going to tell a story. And then I was like I was like, I'll tell you what, why don't I tell it, OK? And then everyone's going to enjoy it.

And she was like she was like, no, it's not real when you tell her it's not real.

And I went, no, it doesn't matter that it's real. It matters like, is everyone enjoying it or are they sitting there going, is it over yet? I can't tell them. I supposed to read it from your face. Yeah. What's the story here?

Yeah, this is a really good point. Oh, you need that at home. Yeah. Yeah. You need to on that. Just move in with you and be fucking awesome. Oh one where a bedroom used like a like a muffled voice.

Len is that you talking again. And talk what across the house.

Doctor are you doctor. Yeah. Are you a doctor. Are you a doctor. I love shop. Listen, you a doctor. All right.

All right. All right. There you go.

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All right. So I keep going back to this billion dollars. Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were making our list of awesome rich guys. OK, he's a fun one.

So I'm saying fun rich guys, you know, who's a boring rich guy, the most boring rich guy, Warren Buffett. You know why?

Because he keeps count. He's like, oh yeah. And then that money compound and now I have eighty eight billion dollars, but I live in a fuckin quarter million dollar house.

Yeah. And I drive an eleven year old Cadillac.

Boring boring as fuck you fun like Elon Musk.

Fun rich guys like I'm making spaceships, I'm making shit underground tunnels, I'm putting fucking A.I. chips in pigs heads and I'm telling them the fucking how to read like fun crazy shit.

That's what I'm talking about.

Spend your money, spend your if you have a billionaire and you're like, I'm just being conservative. Why. Yeah. Why are you being conservative? Be fun. No one likes a boring billionaire. Paul Allen was fucking fun. He bought the what is the Seahawks and he bought the the trailblazer, the co-founder of Microsoft.

He died, but he had crazy yachts and he would have parties and just be like, oh, Beyonce.

Hey, come come sing like four songs at my birthday party. Here's here's thirty million dollars or whatever. That's fun.

That's what I'm talking. So my ex-husband probably pretty fun. Oh, listen, I'm also going to get her pregnant also my dad.

Yeah. And he's going to be like and by the way, I don't want to hear about it. Don't even think that you're bringing this up.

Oh, sorry, I don't speak English. Okay.

And he's like, by the way, the new Gucci collections in your closet. I'll be back at six udu we keep our wives if we get a billion dollars. Yeah, of course.

As like they're the you know, they hold it down there. Yeah. Yeah. And they haven't been our L.A. houses. Yeah.

And then like when you bring you'll bring like your new like you're 26 year old girlfriend like Leanne's like here's what he lacks and like Oh yeah.

Almost like, almost like, almost like an executive assistant or keep on our wives like an executive assistant. So when we bring in new talent, there you go. They can kind of shepherd them in the right direction of like what they need to be doing. Right. Right. Yeah.

He likes his eggs over medium eggs over Evernote. You know what a frog in the hole is showing you how to make it. You take this bread, put a cap on it, cut the same amount, put a price tag in the middle. But jeez, flip it one time.

Don't burn the cheese French. He's just like, oh, my gosh, you know, everything.

Battleaxe Yeah, well, been with him for a while.

Just so you know, I don't do it, but blowjobs are a big deal with him now. He's going to need a lot of music. That mouth one made we're talking and Mercier's Aimé for listen, I don't know what I'm telling you.

Yeah.

Now I'm on back. Now take those panties off. We don't wear underwear when you're the new girl. I know me.

And then I then I find out she's just set up my check to do chores around the house. Help, we're out.

And I'm like, hey, wait, I brought her in. Lien's like, she'll know no better.

I think Christina would let me have one if she was like disabled, you know, like Christina was disabled. No.

Yes. Also but. Yeah, yeah, if she was like if she was like bed bound and like she likes to stand, I don't know what you're saying, Blinkx, if you're not happy with her being here.

But I think I think I like, hey, I got this girl. She's like, what are you doing?

I'm like, she can't talk. She can't read. She's in a cage. Oh. Like I'm just going to, you know. Oh, fuck. She'd be like, all right. Oh, OK.

Houses in Maui, yachts, yachts, planes.

We share airplane. Sure, we're billionaires, but we're smart now. We're chefs. Your private chefs. Yeah.

Some crazy toys, you know, like shit that's not really out there. Yeah. Oh, motorcycles matching motorcycles.

Motorcycles that fucking can float or something. What if, what if, what if.

And I know that I'm saying this right now and in the future you're actually watching this and some fun shit you gotta do fun shit to function.

Meaning not just like prop like a toy but where you go like oh I built up like a like a park.

Oh yeah.

The center of the city that has, you know, like that fake skydiving thing, you know, I mean like where you wear it, like the air pressure makes you floating it.

Yeah. Yeah I'm talking about but you give it to the public, you know, anybody can go here like anybody.

Yeah. The indoor skydiving thing.

See if anyone's placing you just one in a mini.

What if we put a diving board around our city diving boards. But there's no pool. No way out. Yeah. I mean it's just like life's rough is a diving board. Suicide board. Yeah.

People just jump in. That's a great idea. Just diving boards like an art installation. We should definitely do some art installations.

I'll tell you the fun thing. Here's perfect fun thing. Back up for four for Elon. Yeah, he made the fucking flamethrower. Remember the flame thrower go for no reason at all. That's right. That's a fun rich guy thing.

That's what I'm saying. That's fun. Yeah. You know, I think I think we were not a hedge fund guy who was like and then in the second quarter, we found out that using the derivatives didn't split up. And you're like, perfect example of the billionaire. I don't want to be right.

What if and I said this earlier, but what if right now we're dead, right. This is fifty years from now and kids are studying this in school this and they're like this is the way businesses are made now is you get two guys with a bunch of half baked ideas and then we just invest in them and then they don't care because it's not their money.

And they take real gambles with the money and they double them down and double them down and double them. Then they're like and people often lose all their money.

But the good thing, the upside is sometimes those guys will come.

What if we're like, yeah, God, we do have fucking horrible ideas. Yeah, yeah. But we got great Heideman backing us up and that's all that matters. Yeah.

Listen to Tommy, my fucking brilliant shit.

You know, I mean, it's an indoor skydiving place that anybody can use, you know, to pay, and if you walk right outside, you'll see a diving board to nowhere.

Oh, she caught a body. Yeah, man, this is perfect. Listen to us, man.

Oh, fuck. It's a perfect man.

This is perfect. It really is. I'm going to be so fucked up on the 15th. I can already feel it. I am planning on can. We can't smoke joints in here, can we.

I mean, I think.

The fact that it's the evening we might be able to to probably say probably we should be able to smoke cigars, cigars are usually have a very delicate scent that no one really picks up on.

You think someone would notice them? Not the sprinklers.

OK, I want to paid you our live event, ok?

OK.

Me and Tom are drunk and high, smoking cigars, jacking each other off the sprinkler, trough our little space there and then gone.

I can speak up right as we're about to go and then the Sixers go, oh, the second one will be like live from the arbitration lawsuit.

Like hearing, you know, like when there's this business building just goes, is it too late to cancel this live event?

I feel like this is just horrible. But this is a horrible idea, is it? We feel like they need more, so we're just going to do it.

You don't have to talk.

We have man by like. Oh, my God, I can't believe you're coming in my head the next time I get them.

Oh, shit.

Oh, I wish you had Elon Musk's number so we could run our ideas by him. Cultural he'll give to you. We could run our ideas by Joe Joseph Smart. He's not a billionaire, though.

No, but I mean, smart guy.

He's not. He's not. He's Joe. Joe's not going to like any of our ideas. He didn't like hip hop dance training. He didn't like hip hop dance training. Yeah. He was like I don't think it's a horrible idea. Worked out good for us.

Yeah. How long how much have you been training with tennis very aggressively. Yeah, yeah. And how is it? I was gassed today, like I was very hungover.

And I'm I, I do. I just it's like I looked at my watch and I was like, I've had it been here for half an hour and I've been there playing for eight minutes. And you're a straight eight minutes straight of just fucking volleying on the baseline. Yeah.

And I was exhausted and he'll get up to get me up to the net and start fucking Talgo.

Tell me when tell me why. It just hit him harder and harder. And I just can't say when I just go. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Yeah. I'm interested in how are we going to do our live tennis match.

Well, I don't think the tennis match will be live. We'll probably shoot the tennis match.

Why wouldn't we do a live pay per view of the tennis match? Yeah, I mean, just a pay per view. No edit, no edit. Um, I guess it's I don't know. Is that possible. How do we do that. Uh, yeah, it'd be possible and we'd have to do it around somewhere with good Internet and then we can make it happen. Yeah.

Oh, I guarantee there's a billionaire that's got a tennis court on their house that a lot a lot of them do.

Dr. Phil. Yeah. Do you think he wants to host us? Joe's best friends with the son. OK, yeah.

Yeah, Dr. Phil is his son's name, I think is Esquire, Phil. I'm trying to think of a job here, um, nurse Phil. Does the new stuff know this is the this is working on the southern Utah and Utah bodies after World War II left, you know, what is it called, your summer hot summer night? I got I got I got to come up with more towards. Hey, when do you think we're going back on the road, road, road, road, road.

I have some dates up now into the New Year, but it's like a club weekend casino, that kind of stuff, you know. But Road Road doesn't start till next summer, you don't think?

Well, it might, but that's when my stuff I'll move to then really sucks a fucking crazy.

It is, you know, a quick way to make a billion dollars. Tell me if we can cure this coronavirus shit.

Oh, that's it. We should come up with some real backyard remedies. OK, like like if we could just find out like if you found out that like.

I tried to convince him, by the way, to do a promo, Nadaf sit in a bathtub of gasoline and then I throw a cigar and somebody told me, you can't start a fire that way. So it's actually pretty safe.

Really? Yeah, and that could cure coronavirus. What if you could what if coronavirus and this is just a soft pitch and I don't know how to monetize this.

OK, but what if coronavirus could be cured by just everyone whispering?

Yeah, it's everyone talk like this in front of us that much? Er, yeah, it's everyone whispers That's a that's actually a bad idea, but I'm not a Monitise was.

I don't think you can I but when people really start getting to love you gotta go back and tell you you got to do a shot.

Come on. I keep repeating myself. I like what if we did our whole our whole live event in Asmar.

Yeah, I think that's going to make a lot of people upset about a few people, really, how do you feel like do you feel like we're in bed with each other under the covers right now? Not until you mention it. Why it is so creepy, I don't know, man, it'd be great if we had those things on our dicks. And then I just I kept going like this, and you're like, oh, my God, I feel a little bit like what Whitney texted back.

What did you say? No, we call her.

She's being so fucking selfish with her. Yeah. OK. You a car? No, she won't answer my phone. Can I call her? I think I think honestly, I think that she may have the money. No shilling three years before mine. I don't know. Should I call her? Yeah. She thinks you're more successful than I am. Shut up. That's why I will answer your call, Norman. She thinks I'm a peon.

Don't say that. Ask her if she answers. I bet she didn't answer, I bet she does. It's nine women in a hot tub right now. Didn't answer me the other day telling you, why don't you answer the fucking phone? So I can answer. Hello. Oh, my gosh, she sounds just like the I wondered that lady that does the voice at the tone, I wonder when people call her they're like, hello? And she's like at the town.

I'm just kidding. It's me, Nancy.

I love this. You know, why does she do that? Why didn't she just help us? Like, I don't understand.

OK, can I tell you the problem with Whitney? Yeah. I hope your watching is Whitney. I hope you're watching this.

The problem with Whitney, I'm about to find out to any. She's smart. That's her problem. Yep. She doesn't have enough moron in her to let loose. Sometimes she needs more and more on in her. And here's the problem is she's so smart she'll never date a moron. So if you're that smart morons aren't attractive to you, you can't find the beauty in a morals. You know what this sounds like to me?

What, you're upset that she doesn't like to be more like she won't answer my phone. You're like, so what?

I'm done. I could help you. Yeah, I like when we did that Adam Sandler interview. Yeah.

It went so bad and I was so great and I was so excited when I saw Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Madison.

Happy Madison Gilmore. Oh, my God, you're so fucking talented. I think she was I think she was stunned that I was that stupid. Yeah, and then it worked. Whitney, I wonder if she's ever dated a fuckin legit moron.

That's a good question. I don't know. We'd get it if she'd answer her phone. She won't answer our phone. That's problem is, she's too smart.

She's too smart for her own good.

Now, you heard it and now you know it, smarty pants, Whitney is too smart, you're too. Whoa, whoa, stop a second. Let's talk. Okay, give him a minute and let the man talk about her I.Q. is through the fucking roof.

And that's the other problem is she's too smart. She's too busy doing smart people things. Why don't you do a voice note and tell her that real quick?

You know, I mean. He's real quick, I want to tell you what your problem is, I think it's a bad idea. I think I just did it here and I still think it's a bad idea.

OK, OK, great fucking point, Tom. I think you should tell her. Tell her that we think she's too smart. No, no, we didn't know. This is your thought. OK. But I am I am supporting you, but it's your thought, Whitney, it's time, and we're on our podcast. We wanted to tell you what was wrong with you.

Give us a call. All right. I love you. That was really rude. It then. Well, the way that you worded it, you made it like we were going to tell you and then I like you. Oh, OK.

Then send it now. Let's do it.

It sounds like I am supporting you, but it was your thought with me. It's Tubmanburg. We're on our podcast. We wanted to tell you what was wrong with you. Give us a call. All right. I love you. Oh, yeah.

It does sound like you don't love her. Yeah, it's rude. Send it to whatever you want. All right. You sent it. Yep.

Let's OK. What's a female comic? That's a moron.

You did send it. You sent.

I think what if OK, what if we. We start like institute. OK, an institute to kind of get you back to being a kid again. The one thing that you and Leon said about me that I really did enjoy was that I am a child, like I'm a nine year old in my head. I am not a I have never really grown up in like any moment I get into for me, my business is about comedy, so I don't really give a fuck about a ton of stuff other than giggling.

So if we do go sit down in a place, I am constantly thinking about jokes about the place or ways to make us laugh. And it's why I love that. I love that.

But there's not enough people that are doing that there. There's so many people that are wrapped up in the world of like.

Of like. I got like, it's so much serious these days. What if we started like a dumbed down school, the right back, no notification? No, she didn't. Right back.

Yeah, she's going to ignore why? I don't know what's what's.

Uh. If she could tether herself to us, I might be the right amount of brilliant we need. Yeah, to start a business, we're like we cut her in on. This is what we do. We're witty. You're this smart. You hang out with us all sudden, you're not so smart. And also a lot of fun things start happening in this dumb new space that you're occupying. Yeah.

Tom, say whatever the fuck you want, you know, I mean, by the way, I hate to say this, we are now with our Wrightman. Yeah, we are stuck in our own echo chamber.

More moronic, but that's how you really get stupid, you know.

You know, it's the beginning of Twitter.

This is all Twitter is. You just hearing people that agree with you. I love having Nigel and what's his name. I don't know why I didn't give a name. I think I just named. I think I did name one. He did.

Lyle, Lyle Miles. Cause I'm with the. I'll go with Darnell. Darnell. Yeah. That's a good name. Yeah. See. Thanks.

Oh OK. So what are we learn today. How's your training going.

Tell me your skill level. It's no I'm like like you just a little better. It's like, um what's the way you're going to be on this. We have to discuss our wager. What should it be.

But what I'm saying well, going to be pretty big considering we're just jerking each other off for fun.

What should the wager be when you get to be the tennis champ? That's pretty big.

Uh, also you, by the way, began this when I brought a tennis shoe, like I will fucking obliterate.

I love that you said you go, you go. You've never seen me play tennis. I go. I don't need to. Yeah.

It it's very you. Oh. Oh yeah. Oh wait. Are you really good. And you're like I'll kill you.

I was like ok I might. I served today and I asked my coach, that's great. Yeah. I'm pretty amazing.

You're is good. Yeah, how good are you? I think I'm probably like skill 110. Ten being a professional tennis player. OK, that means like one being a child, one being a child. Five. OK, then then you're going to kill me, what if what if we. OK, I'm I'm just trying to think of ways, things to add to our portfolio. OK, what if this is our holding company, holding company, Holding Inc.

Holding Corp.. Holding Corp.. Uh huh.

We have come up with. We need to do Hajjaj for that, by the way.

Yeah, no, no, that's happening. I already have a photographer coming actually a website set up a way to invest. And by the way, there are people dumber than us that it would put money towards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are other people out there even dumber than US therapy, and they'll support this is actually a good idea. Yeah, yeah.

And when we say stuff that it's not smarter, it just sounds more like we're buying a lot of property in eastern Africa. We're going to be like. It's a brilliant idea. It's not a diamond mines, oh, diamond mines, it's fucking I saw a movie about it with Leonardo DiCaprio. Yeah, Blood Diamond. Yeah. All you need is one diamond and you are rich.

Michael, what do you want to get in on this or not? Yeah. Hey, do you want to be a millionaire or do you just want to sit there at your cubicle and not want to maybe have diamonds all over the place?

Yeah, yeah. I feel like we're turning in a stepbrother's. Do you feel like. Yeah. Which one are you.

You think I feel like I'm John C. Reilly. Really.

Was he dumber than the other. I just was like, oh, you get fucked up last night. Yeah. Yeah.

Would you drink vino laffitte wine. I've been drinking the fuck out of it. Fine. Yeah, I love it. Fine.

How much do you drink from a bottle and change. Two bottles.

Probably three by three and then a little joint. And it was really great because we have a new sponsor. Um that that. Yeah. The CBD one. Yeah. Yeah. Is that, that's not right. I don't know. Yeah I think so. Nadaf. I don't think it's on this episode, but I think we might be working on something. No, no, they just sent me a bunch of product, right? Yes. Or is that for broadcast?

I don't I don't know. But we had to sponsor. I wish I knew the name of it right now, because I would really be helpful, but they send us smokeable CD joint CBD joint.

Yeah, so I had a pack of them. I had a bunch of them. Not a pack, but I had a few. Yeah. And we were all sitting, the kids were inside and we just lit up the CBD joints and the kids came out and they're like, you guys smoking marijuana. I want to get CBD. I by the way, you could have just told them in CBD they have no fucking idea anyway. Yeah, sure.

But we lit the CBD joints and then I was like, wait, if they're smoking CBD, I'm a like a real joint. So I lit a real joint. A snoop joint.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm all out of snoop joints. I lit a joint and it's and I smoked a real joint while everyone smoked CBD joints. And then I was like, I'm fucking pretty high. Yeah. And then I just giggled at street jokes over and over again.

You got ripped. I watched a bunch of Buddy Hackett jokes one thing and I couldn't stop laughing. I'm trying to write a street joke like a street joke. What's like a set up of one? Um, what's like a buddy?

One guy walks into a doctor's office and he says, Hey, doc, I want to get my voice fixed.

And the doctor says, OK, well, I've looked at your records and here's the deal. You have four testicles, if you get rid of two of your testicles, it may change other parts of your life, but will definitely fix your voice.

And the guy whose voice is like, OK, so to do the operation a month later, guy comes back, the doctor is like, all right, you were right. It's changed too much in my life. And I think I want my testicles back. That goes.

I'm sorry, I can't help you. Did you write that nobody has a really good joke, but I started watching jokes like that and I was like, I want to write like I tried to do that on my last special with the room for cream joke because it was guy walks to the bar, guy walks into a bar.

I walked in Starbucks.

Oh, that's right. And so I really worked that out. And then the joke wasn't what you thought. It was something else, right? It was like a double. It was. That's why that's why that was a problem with cream. And but I want to write a simpler one. I want to write jokes that I can tell and then everyone can tell it at office parties, you know. Yeah. So I'm trying to write a joke.

Let's do right now. You want to. OK, ok.

So. The misdirect is what we need, right, right, right, right, so the district at the end can tell me something you have misheard recently. I'll give you an example. I thought one some time. One time I was watching this documentary called Murderball and it said the guy got paralyzed because he passed out the back of a truck. And I thought they said he was paralyzed from the waist up. Right, which would be hysterical if a guy was just walking around with his body, top, top was limp.

Yes, so. So it's got to be a no, no, no, no. Hear him out, hear him out. Thank you. I love, by the way, knowing that Nadal is the control of my hype man. Yeah. He knows what I'm down on. I need a boost up yet. I like this relationship with it. It's pretty good. It's really good. It's been really good. Ah ah ah ah. In and out burgers here.

I don't know. I think so. Let's wrap this episode up. OK, let's do it. We have four minutes of power.

Wait so how do you how do you propose doing your this joke.

So we need, you've got to work the way you write these jokes. I think you start with your the punch line is the thing. Right. Like the moth goes, I don't know, the light was on, you know, like right. Find the thing, the punch lines, the thing.

So and then work it back from there and you can create any world around it.

OK, so for you. The punch line should be something like the dog had it coming. Yeah, something like that. It's a shit suit, it's like it's like old school street jokes like that, like like Mom's making supper for the kids, right. Making soup and everything. And she spilled bibs in the in the soup. She was like, oh, fuck, I can't get out of the babies. I'll just serve it with the pubis.

Then what's worse beebees like for a Bebe gun for a baby gone. OK. And she goes.

Next morning, her son wakes up, panics his three sons, some except possibly three, right? Some also mix up. Youngest son wakes up and goes, Mom, Mom, I'm going to talk to you about something serious matter. She goes, I just went to the bathroom and I peed. And she's like, OK, it's fine. You're fine. Don't worry. Go back to bed. Ten minutes later, middle son wakes up. Mom, Mom, Mom, I got to tell you something.

She's like, what is it? He's like, I just woke up and I peed babies. And she's like, It's fine, you're going to be fine. Same thing happened to your brother all of a sudden. Comes in ten minutes after my mom was like, let me guess. You're paying BBSes like, no. No, I was jerking off when I shot the dog. When I was a kid, you know what some of the smartest people ever live entirely off aid, you go, yeah, so I want to try to run a street joke that you can write.

I think that that should be the challenge the comics do. Yeah. You know, who can write this type of joke? Yeah, like who can write it. Are you saying we should give up on tennis?

No, no, no, no. So let's talk tennis match out. It's going to be it's going to be one set or three sets. I think we should do best of three. Best of three sets. Yeah. Look, here's the thing. We're not experienced players. Yeah. We're going to end points quickly, man. You I mean, like we can have a full set that is over in a couple of minutes, OK. Yeah, you're right.

And do we stream this live from some celebrity.

I don't I don't know about that part. That that's a big tech thing.

I can't just answer that right, right here because we could shoot it easily and cut it down and have like highlights and a little more digestible, you know. Yeah, but I mean, if you are insistent on it being live streaming, I don't know.

I wonder how many people we could get to live. I don't think I don't know if I'd live stream into it. I think it's better to try to shoot it and cut it. I mean, boring or something. We say this maybe a little off color.

Yeah.

And I think we could make it actually really funny with like if we're miked and then we have like an amp who's miked and like cut to like the best moments. I think we can cut that down.

I think we got Josh Potter is a line. Josh Josh is a line judge for sure.

I mean, you're like you didn't see that. He's like, I didn't see that. I look, I'm not really sure. Yeah. Yeah. And we need ball boys. Ball boys for sure. Rice. Yes.

Ball boys and and outfits.

Which is which way you're leaning. I got these things called my leggings type in my leggings.

They're really good looking. I just bought a bunch of pair. I wore them to play today and.

Oh yes. Yeah. So I see you wearing a colorful one though you know. Let me go. I've got I've got this one. I don't have the gold ones but I could get gold.

Yeah. That colorful one there on the left. The far left. That I've actually got those those same rules I've been making, go to their website and go to the shorts. Wow. Yeah, this is a. Go to Copple Making's scroll, look at these guys, this is what I thought it looked like. Go to the shorts.

There you go. Running no shorts. No, I got the shorts. No, these are wrong. He's wrong. Go back to the leggings and they have actual short shorts and tight. There they go. There you go. Compression short shorts. I got those. That's why I played into.

Oh, you should wear those for the match. For real. Yeah. Yeah, I think so too. Those are excellent.

Yeah. They really have a wager. Uh yeah. Winner gets to have sex with the other one's wife. OK, done. I say we have as I said, we have a what we should do, an old school wrestling match, leave town match losers got to move to Austin.

OK, sir, how crazy what happened to Joe in that weird what do you mean what happened to the barbecue truck running into him? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You know, I started I figured the easiest way for us to go viral is to just bring up something about Joe. They're like fucking I've ever seen is going to page what it's like to have dinner with Joe Rogan. Oh, yeah. It's like it's like on YouTube. And then I said something about how generous he is. Yeah. And then it's like Krischer explains Joe Rogan's generosity. And you're like, so that's all you got to do to go viral.

Yeah. It's just tell a secret about it, my friend. I do that on my podcast.

When you come back. Let's see. Nope. She talks back. No response. Should we call her.

I think I did already. Hey, my my voicemail didn't go through, I didn't my voice text didn't go through, that might be best. I might be a sign. You think maybe or she deleted it.

Can she delete it? I have no idea it go through on your phone.

Let's see. So I'm just seeing your and crying laughing thing. With me, it's Tubmanburg, Tubmanburg we went through. We want to tell you what was wrong with you. You're crazy. OK, all right, we got to run, we're going we're going to get in and out. October 15th is a live show. Why IMH virtual dotcom for tickets. A new hoodie is at Mirch Method Dotcom slash. Tom Sagara, thank you guys for listening.

Thank you for watching.

We'll see you next week. Tom Solomon, where one goes topless while the other wears the shirt, Tom tells stories and Bert Snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call sandbaggers on vacation. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what more call. So there's one case.