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You guys already know that I love my Satava. I highly recommend you getting one go to site for Satava dotcom slash y image and get a hundred dollars off any purchase of five hundred dollars or more. Thank you, Satava. Let's start to show you this, this is expected to become very, very hot and looking good. Looking good. He's burned. Krischer, I'm sorry, just put the pedal to the metal. Going is a perfect way to start off the show.

12 years in the making, it's going to be a fucking shit show, but everyone's going to get a hundred percent.

I'm not an Asian. If it's coronaviruses, blame it on what I. That is what you say. You said their fault with the eyes.

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, one cave Iser.

I'm Tom. This was recorded a few days before you're seeing it.

So we don't know if some of your loved ones aren't here anymore. That's right.

This is this is a timestamped this. So the jokes we make you realize we didn't know.

I was like it's like I did that. First off, congratulations.

Thank you. Congratulations. My bestie, Tom Sagara has a special that is streaming pretty much right now. Yeah, most likely.

You're seeing it tomorrow. If you're watching this one, this comes out.

It's called Ball Hog. Yes, it is phenomenal. Thank you, buddy. And I cannot wait. Like I said to my dad, my dad called today and obviously it's not out yet. I haven't seen it.

My dad called today and he goes, here's a lot of my friends are watching your special a lot. And I just don't have anything to do. I was like, Oh, thanks, Dad. Thanks. Take that as a compliment. Yeah, I said, yeah, you know, I think it's kind of crazy. Like, I go, I'm really I'm really excited to watch Tom special because you get to a point at the end of the night, we were like, great, I've watched all the Pirates of the Caribbean.

Yeah, the girls are in bed now. It's me time and you fucking to go on that main page and see you or Delia is coming out April 15th. Yep. Davidson's got one. My special Hey Big Boy is streaming right now. I'm sure it'll say if you like Tom's, you'll also like these three shirtless fat guys.

You have three on the platform, all shirtless, all shirtless and like I look like I'm wearing the exact same costume.

And I have I've thought about this a few times there. There is not a feasible way that you can go back to Schertz now.

Ever have. What I'm hoping is that we do this lockdown for for coronavirus and I get fucking ripped.

Yeah, it's most likely that that'll happen. I've never had eight weeks sober. Well, you told me you're like I haven't drank since Monday. Sunday we're it's Wednesday. Today it's Wednesday.

Yeah, but I know if I didn't drink Sunday, normally I drink Sunday. Right. Right. I did it. What did you do. Xanax.

There's no way I'm not white knuckling this.

No, I know my OCD been off the fucking job. I've been eating edibles every night. For real. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm going, I'm going to, I'm going to lean into some edibles to find some what are relaxing edibles. Indicus if you eat indica it doesn't make your body tingle in your tongue, not feel it any more.

I mean it depends on the dosage but you know I like it. Like if you get a good indica it should make you. You talked about what happened with you and Joey. I have a whole bit on stage that I opened with. Now, are you serious?

Yeah, I might have to talk about something else soon, but yeah. You know what's so, so bizarre?

I mean, I know no one wants to like hear us talk about talk shop forever, but think about this because I know this is affecting everybody's life differently, but. Putting aside, you know, the seriousness, think about the fact that as comedians, all we know is to get on stage and you know, you're either doing sets in the town, the city you live in or you're doing longer shows on the road, et cetera, et cetera.

All of us, you know, we need an audience to do it. It's. Plausible that we will not perform stand up for two months, maybe three or four, and none of them, none of us have ever done that.

Not not. But here's the thing. None of us like not one of us like so all of a sudden. And when you when you're rusty, you're fucking rusty. Oh, it's weird.

So you're going to take all the comics and put them back at the exact same level?

Yeah, it's almost like a reset button, because what happens is when you're doing it, you know, you go through periods of of performing all the time and many days in a row and you get into a rhythm and you get into a zone. You can tell it like when you know, like when you come back to the store and like someone's been on the road, just show, show, show, show, show. And they do their set.

You like that dude's sharp. Yeah. He's dialed in the prosecutor special and you're like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that's just like it's just everything's just clicking.

And then you can tell when someone's like I went on vacation, I just got back, I worked for Travel Channel and you get well you just go like you can just I mean actually most of the time audiences don't even really audiences can't tell. But we can tell. We can tell.

And even we sometimes struggle to tell some of the difference from person to like you'll be like, that was good in there.

Like now I like this and this and this.

And you don't even really realize it. But you as the person performing now, you know, when you're like, my shit was fucking off tonight, you know, I got missed I missed stuff because I haven't done that joke in a minute.

And when you say in a minute, you mean like four days or something.

Now, you know, let's say it's like June and we are performing again.

I mean, we're all going to be like, so I have two kids.

I thankfully recorded my last sets and the beacon.

Yeah. And then and at the Constitutional, I recorded them.

You can write, I can listen to them at least and catch up. But here's the other thing is that like there's going to be a lot of shit if you're a comic, a bit of a notebook on hand, because there's going be a lot of shit that flies out your head. And the other part is there's no so my wife's a fucking Nazi that'll be clipped out. My wife is a Nazi about this social distancing. Yeah. So we're not hanging out with anybody.

Yeah. So there's no like you go to a house party and you're hanging out with some people and you drop a joke, you're like back at work and then slide it in. It's just you with your kids trying and I'm like so hungry.

I started getting into puns which is fucking exhausting. Yeah. And so all day, all night last night she kept trying to make puns about quarantined.

And I was like, we're not fucking quarantined, but but yeah.

It's going to be it's going to be interesting. Man, that. All this, I have a bunch of theories, I have a bunch of theories that No one. I think that comics should pair up and go out on tour together and with a lower ticket price so people's dollar stretches further. I think I honestly think it's just there's a social responsibility for comics to make a run of clubs and boost the economy in those clubs. So you got to go to the clubs.

You got to do it. You got to do a running clubs like hit those funny bones in Virginia Beach, Richmond, all those ones that supported us for all those years go in low ticket price, sell it out, move merch, get everyone tipped out nice. I mean, you've got to there's a it's going to be fucking really interesting and it's going to weed out the people that don't give a fuck. Yeah. Those Hollywood types.

And there's not many of us in the business, but there are the ones that are like, no, my ticket prices. Fifty five, they can suck my dick.

You're going to be like, oh, it's stupid, you're stupid and you're shortsighted and you're also just greedy. And yeah, I will say this too, because there's you know, I know everything's changing and affecting people differently day to day.

One of the things I've been trying to do and I think that like people know.

No, they can they I'm serious. I have a list of things of things I think you've been trying to do, add carbs into my diet.

The I've been really trying to plan plan how there's a plan out.

This is the massive genocide benefit.

You know, I fucking by the way, I can have, I don't know, two bites of rice. And I think I put on ten pounds my body, like as soon as carbs are introduced to my system, it's like you want to get fat again, like like and I mean like really fat.

Like I, I cannot I have to restrict it completely or I just put on fucking fifty pounds.

I didn't eat any carbs yesterday at all. I love how all your, all your like disciplined things are always like 24 hours.

You're like I did the night before I ran. When. Yesterday.

The day before I woke up in the middle of the night with have you ever woken up with a sugar tongue where you're just like oh like it must be like those congressmen that are gay that have been holding it in their entire lives and then they end up in a hotel room snorting meth and just fucking nine dudes.

And it's got to be the best orgasm of their life. Oh, imagine how how hard you come when you're, like, repressing you're repressing those gay feelings and then you go, you know what? I'm not just going to let them out. I'm going to let them out of a cannon with meth fucking and male hookers.

And just it's got me doing everything like like it's almost like remember when you were a kid.

I would fund that if you're interested in and in partaking in something like that and you'll let us videotape, I'll I'll pay for it.

I would like I would love a congressman to come out and go, hey, guys, I'm going to live two different lives. OK, just give me you know, I've got a wife and kids are very happily married every now and then. I'm going to fuck a massage therapist in a hotel room in Jacksonville with lots of meth.

That's a weekend. That's my weekend. Give me my weekend. I'm back on. I'll be like, you got my vote. Did that.

That was an Andrew Gillham, right? Yeah. That sounds like he almost like almost became the governor of Florida. Like he you know, CLO's. You know, Budha is like we're not all like that.

Of course. That's why that's why you you vote for a guy who's out of the closet. Yeah. Because the guy out of the closet is like, I just love dudes, OK? Yeah. Like, I don't love fuckin hardcore poppers in a bathtub and that fucking in the toilet motherfucker that did was like Gillham says you say his name Guillam.

He, he said that, that he was just he's like I actually just had too much to drink and like that what happened.

Hey guess what, I drink a lot. Yeah.

I've never once been like man either I got to get to bed or I'm sucking cock in a hotel room snorting meth.

I had too much.

And and also you can tell when someone's lying it like that for a number of reasons. But one of them was he was like, I'm going away now and I just need to reassess things.

What a great time to go to rehab. Oh yeah. During the coronavirus, this is when people forget these stories like, oh, bad news is this is the best time to have personal bad news.

I bet Ari loves this. Oh yeah.

Oh, he just went he just unlocked his his Twitter account. Are you serious? Like, I think I texted Darnell last night because Darnell makes fun of the way Ari said. Oh yeah. Are you know, Ari just got the news. He's like coronaviruses.

OK, I got thank God I didn't shoot that special. What was done.

Take on that on what are with Kobe. Yeah. Is that white people smirk. Black people don't smirk if you saw. You're in, you're black, you're gay, Donald's got some really enlightened views on on on homosexuality.

He goes, he goes, why can't you just be an old school homophobe?

And I was like, because Donelle is I'm not speaking for it. I know he never said that.

I'm just saying go to his Twitter.

He goes, Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

So he thinks that, ah, he's gay. No, no, no. He just thinks I think I don't know, he just I think he was, I think, I think he didn't give a I don't know, I think he wasn't allowed to say I don't really care because you're fucking you can't do that on black Twitter. Do I go out and fight with black Twitter when I was younger about what was Valentine's Day?

And I you're like Valentine's Day is not for you guys.

Can't we have one fucking day? God, it you got the whole fucking month of February. Can we get the 14th.

Let's get the dog off.

Typo, I'm cool, your typo, yeah, so so no, I was I was on this right when Twitter started being big and I got into it. This is a moron on black Twitter.

One time you got to deal with them. I thought you your buddies with this before I met them. I had to tell them. I got into them. I got into it with them. I can't remember.

Can you see were you type in my at Bert mentions and then either kid kid mirro or DS nice. And see, I you can read that, you can read us getting into it. I don't think they remember it, so I hope not to bring it up to them. But they it was. No. OK, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, just get away from that. I don't even care. Stop, stop, stop.

Keep going, keep going, keep going. Scroll, scroll. Jesus fucking Christ.

It's not worth it, it's not worth it. Down. Think about that. Take it out, people. Take it down. No one needs to see any of it.

So shut up.

You have where you like guys pull up your fucking pants and turn your music down.

Was that it? No. The first one started with on Valentine's Day. And I and I wrote.

Oh, I wrote it was trending. That was so bad to.

So let's just something. What did you say to them?

I I don't know what that one was. It was another one. I guess I got it. I don't remember that one. But even reading it, I was like, motherfucker.

I said. It was it was training and it was Vegas in the hood, right, that was the hashtag that was trending. OK, so I read it and as I read it, it was all very like, can you search that? Vegas. Yeah, Vegas in the hood. Hashtag, hashtag. Vegas in the hood the day.

I think that was that wasn't very high in the lead in the hood, know gifts in the hood. Yeah, we do, I guess in the hood. Might be in Da Hood. Now vague. It was vague gifts in the hood, that was the hash tag. All right. Well, anyway, so I wrote back that it was like all stuff, like a get get her a Glock. You know, she needs to click clack, get her a mattress.

Who remembers jumping on a mattress when they were kids? Like, it was weird. I didn't get any of the ones that they were doing. And then some of them were like, get her a paternity test, you know, should I know who her daddy is or maybe daddy is when some of them were like racist, I didn't know they were coming from all black people. Right. OK, I didn't understand what black Twitter was, so I just wrote in.

How about a classy pen and I didn't realize it was all black people and black people lit me up and they're like, yo, this isn't for use on, like, get out of here. And then I realized it was all black people. And then I went, OK. I wrote again, they haven't heard anything Dungeons and Dragons son. And they got fucking irate.

I read it was like the same 15 people just coming at me. And then I, I wrote, give me one more try, guys. And I wrote, how about a bottle of champagne but spread all over that ho. And they were like, that's more like it. And so that was the first one is the Mihiro. It was about safety pins. Do you remember a social. It was about safe type in krischer safety pins, Twitter.

And I I think clearly. DS. Oh, there we go. That's it, that's it, that's it. OK, Sidis Amuro. So safety pins are great for holding things together, like the illusion you're doing something, it was this Amuro this before I knew them and their whole point was like, yeah, you know, white people going into Pottery Barn grabbing their safety pins. And I was like the safety pins at Pottery Barn. And I was like, oh, that's such a hilarious broad stroke of white people, of not knowing white people going.

They go to Pottery Barn to buy their safety pins. And so I wrote a message from a man who's clearly never been to Pottery Barn. And bro, I got fucking torn to pieces. I was like, never mind Tapout. Tapout often enough for a while. Did they messager I think scroll down. I think I think Jesus did. He might have deleted it, Chris DiStefano did. It's interesting. Oh, it's not me. I think I forget who messaged me, but I think is dead because I brought it up to them when I did their show for the first time and and they were like, yeah, I don't remember that.

And I was like, oh, yeah. But yeah, the I just did the show. Are you doing their show at all?

I'm going to New York. I'm not going to New York anymore. It's kind of crazy, man. I was going to go do all this fucking some of that was pretty cool.

Press tells you you were going to do and I'll and I'll do the interview for you. OK, tell me. I was going to do Colbert.

OK, here we go. I like. There we go.

OK. Ladies and gentlemen, Catholic are very excited to announce my next guest, you can see him on Netflix.

He's got a new comedy special called Ball Hog.

You know who's going to say it? Because he's not going to go ball hog like that girl went nuts in her mouth.

Ball hog.

Put your hands together for Tom Cigarroa. So, Tom, how are you doing, man?

Good to be back. Oh, you've done this before. I have you. Oh. Oh, so funny.

You guys just blend in. So, Tom, tell me, what's Balrog about? Is it is it new material?

It is, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They tend to ask you to do new ones.

Oh OK. OK, so these are all jokes you've done before. Yeah, I did it on tour and then I did it at a show. Yeah. So so here's my question, Tom.

You talk about your family in this. I do. A little bit. And how do they feel about it. It's funny that you asked. They're not into it really now.

And you have you have one wife.

I have one current wife and two child to child that are both good boys.

Judeo-Christian great Christian boy. OK, yes.

Oh, Christian. OK, great. Yes. Now in the special, you talk about murdering dogs. Now hold on one second because you've gotten you've gotten some heat before and are you ready for the fire that's coming your way?

I'm pretty excited about it.

It tends to boost sales all around. So every year, every special, I try to upset a group of people.

Fantastic. Fantastic, fantastic. Sounds great. I think I'm going to love it. Tom, last question.

We do a game here on Kolber. Yes, we're I say a word. You say the first word that comes to your mind. OK, all right. Here we go. OK, Thomas Garran, we're going to play a match pass, OK, where I say the word.

He says first word that comes to his mind, I then say the next word that comes to my mind and we go back and forth until someone says a racial slur. Here we go. All right.

Igloo. Ice. gadJo. Redskins, and he won, he won, that was amazing, Tom. Well, thanks for having you back. We'll see you again in two years, and I won't remember you again. All right. What else are we going to do? Please. They're going to do. What else are you going to do?

I was going to do a full size run, the complex sneaker show. All right.

What other shows are you going to do? This is fun. This is a great way to do this. We'll get all your press in right now if you can clip these out and go what we should do. OK, one other. What was the big one you were going to do? OK. They look it up and then and then what I want you to do is I want you to pull up an interview online and get what questions he asks John Mulaney.

And then me and Tom will take turns answering those questions as if we were in John Mulaney shoes. Does that make sense?

Mm hmm. You're going to do Ellen. I don't know, I was submitted for it, but there's kind of three Relin right now, that'll be fun. Hey, by the way, Ellen, we'll have you on our show. Yeah, this is probably the only guess we'll ever have. I loved that in the Stanley Cup guy. I would love to have Ellen on our show. We're going to do Phalen. No, I was going to Conan, but I came back about Jimmy Fallon last night.

Yeah. Yeah, I had a dream that Jimmy Fallon. That Leanna and I were going to a special. Oh, my God. Because Jimmy Fallon really excited about it, because he always gets really excited about everything. He just you're just realizing that what your dream meant or something, because you seem like you were blown away by it. I had a dream. Yeah. I had a dream. That. That just our people roamed the land now.

So we were going to we were going to do something with Canaan and it was like a very special thing. And it was like something that I wanted to do with Dwight Yoakam when we got there. And the guy we were supposed to call wasn't answering his phone. So we called Conan's phone. And on Conan's line, he was doing a game show and it was like questions about music. And I go, well, then let's just answer the questions about music and then we'll get up.

And then we don't have to worry about calling him. We'll just be the winner of this contest. And so she was like, OK. And I go, keep going. And she's like, don't touch me. I don't touch me. And I was like, What? Can I touch you? She's like, I can't tell you.

I can't tell you. So. Jimmy Fallon's house was right around, was like right down the hill, so he saw us doing this and he goes, what are you guys doing? When I said we're answering questions about music because I know everything about music. And I was like, oh, cool, come on up. So he comes up and we're and him in the inner working and I go, I'm going to go back down to your house and you guys work on this and this game show.

So I go down and Jimmy Fallon's girlfriend had invited two Irish girls to come party with them. And they were fucking gorgeous. They were so gorgeous. Right. Beautiful.

Jimmy and Jimmy and and LeAnn come down and they go, we we won the thing. We're ready to go up.

And I was like, oh, that's so awesome. And I grabbed her. And I go, don't shoot, don't touch my stomach. And I go, why? She goes, I've been saving it as a surprise, but I want to show you this. And I go, What? She left her stomach and she had a tattoo that said, get the fuck shit out on her stomach.

And all these Irish girls looked at her and they're like and I was like, that's my wife. And I was like, you got a tattoo of that? She's like, Yeah, get the fuck shit out, right? Like, get the fuck shit out. And I was like. And then I woke up, I was like, why do I have to be married to her? Yeah, that was my dream. Your dream is a weird dream anyway, but what are you going to do, Konan?

Yeah, can we just do Phalen real quick, let's do Phalen, we'll never going to get to do Phalen. OK, let's do Phalen real quick. All right, so pull up. Are you going to be Jimi? No, no, no.

We're going to have Jimmy Fallon. I got to ask the question then we're both going to answer it. Oh, OK. OK. And and we're going to do two answers. We're going to do the answers that would make our fans leave us and then the answers that would make our fans love us. OK, this is a new segment on Tuba's. Come on. Gabe called Love US or Leave US. We can't play footage from Jimmy Fallon. Yeah, yeah.

Or you could listen to it and ask us the question.

There you go. Here's what you do as we continue talking. Just pull it up on a separate device or something. Watch it in there, see what he asks and then get on mic.

How scary is this coronavirus been for Josh Poller not being able to see who's talking?

Do you think he'll live? He's I mean, like his his immune system's, like, really strong.

He looks like his hair makes it look like he's the guy that goes he's like the old saloon hanger hanger owner.

He seems like the kind of guy that could, like, eat out of the gutter and then just like fart. And that would pass a disease through him and he'd be fine.

Yeah. I got these orange sauces in San Jose and I've been putting them on everything. And our friends reached out and they're like, hey, how long are these orange s sauces last?

And I go, Oh, they're still good. And they're like, it says a month. And I go, Yeah, yeah. And then, like, you gave us to this in January. And I was like, I'm still using it. And they're like, well, we tried it and we had horrible diarrhea. And I was like, yeah, that's what you get when you have.

I thought, yeah, I've just been putting poison on my food and the shit they get. Oh, I mean how often do you get diarrhea?

Every day. Every day. I don't ever shit solid. I've never had like a dog shit were it like forms at the end. Like there's clothes. Yeah. Do you have like you ever see like nice clean log's.

Never. I've never had I cleaned along in a very long time. Mostly a mess. Mostly it is, it is fucking it's almost like someone grabbed a handful of clay and just threw it at the back of the toilet. Yeah.

And then. And then. And then in the afternoon it will be like leafy diarrhea, like just the like a woman pissing. Yeah. Yeah I see a lot.

I have a witness podcast feel when I deal with Witness podcast and she peed in the middle of it and she got up and peed in the bathroom is on.

No, no but no but I it's the it's the first time in my life where you were. I averted my eyes but in my head I was like I was like just real quick. Just real quick. She's beautiful man. Whitney really is gorgeous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She really is. And she's a great basketball player. Great basketball player. Yeah. What are you getting. Phone calls.

Are you getting a phone call from my business manager to know that she's calling me and I'm a little freaked out. Oh yeah. Or he's like, look, man, you're in trouble. You've got two months to go for eight weeks. We're dead. We're dead in the water.

The nose of phone podcast. I did this podcast had a fucking blast you.

I have never done our podcast. You should do it in his pocket. Are you in P?

No, I don't really care. Did you ever do, like, uh, no experiment like. Being here is kind of a no, no, no, I would never let that I don't care about that. Anyone ever ask you to pee on them? No, I. Projects, but not they didn't ask what happened in the shower. Oh yeah, it's a long time ago. Water getting warm. Are you pissing on me? Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do that sometimes now. And I, it's like oh it smells like coffee.

Smells like coffee. Yeah. I bit my tongue good on that one. You did. One time I'll tell the story. I don't care. Yeah. One time I peed on CHEGWIDDEN. All right. Go ahead. No you stop. No, no, no. You start there.

Uh uh one time I shit in the tub with LeAnn. We were in the tub and I just shit in the tub. What? Never mind. It's a long story. Sit in a tub, no. So fucking squirt. Anyway, what we are doing now, now that I think about it, is not a cool story. Have you ever just jerked off all over the place? No, no. I have just like, hey, watch this.

Yeah. I mean, I've done it for, like, a joke. Oh, no. But you're like having a serious like.

I don't know, we had no we had it. We were in the shower one time and we were and she was, she was kind of like I was kind of like joking around and go and if you want you to just stand over there and I can she was like and she was like, OK. And I was like, wait, what? She's like, I don't have a problem with it. She's like, it's less work for me.

And I was like, really? I was like, come closer, why don't you kiss me? And she was like, OK. And I was like, uh, by the way, we could do this every single fucking morning and and we did it once. It was one time never. And I never had the balls to pull the trigger again. Really.

Why. I've been a little I don't know. I have a weird thing with. I did it last time we had sex last night, and I said to LeAnn, I said I said thank you, I banged it out. We did. Oh, you really got in there. I put it down.

She can get it. And she got it.

Now, she she she I have a podcast, by the way, that we recorded on the bus that I have to edit out so badly because of all year, because of my bus driver.

I lingoes is. Did he say.

That was from Valen. Yeah. But wait, what what did he say? It was just it was aggressive and I might leave it in because I don't feel like I feel like cancer culture is kind of not right. Not there right now. Yeah, I feel like everyone is like, you know what? Let's just get through the next eight weeks. Yeah. And then we'll start canceling people again. Yeah. And so I might just leave it in and Ron doesn't care.

He's like put it in.

I don't give a fuck. It was terrible. Like holding chicks heads underwater and stuff. No he's just he's, he's been pitching, he's been hard core pitching me. I don't know if I told you this. He's been pitching very aggressively that for a promo video for the fall tour we should a porn where he fucks Christy Mack. And so he's like, you hire her as a performer to come on the bus. Fuck me, you guys watch our fucker and then you got at the end, you go, Yo, pretty boy world tour.

Mike, it's a great promo. I go.

Sounds like a win win for you, Ron. And it sounds like a lot of money out of pocket for me when I could just go, Hey, Pretty Boy World Tour. And he was like, yeah, yeah. But I get to fuck Christy Mack.

Yeah, exactly. Like, that sounds great. Ron sounds great.

Not that I mean, if you want to do like a part two of that, I'll work with her too. Yeah. I wonder if. That cheating. I know it's work. Yeah, right, yeah, I just. Hey, works like these next 10 weeks. I got to fuck Christy Mack.

I got to fuck all, not just Christy Mack.

I want you to take a look at this list and tell me you don't approve of. Yeah. And so would you get down, Christy Mack.

Oh, if I was not married. LeAnn in a fucking or. No, even married, I guess, a working performer. Oh, if I was a performer. And I think on camera, that's how we made money. Yeah, she might be my number one. Yeah. Yeah.

She's gorgeous, man. Her body is not makes sense.

It really doesn't make sense. Yeah.

She, she has a perfect but like a perfect but then the skinniest fucking waist and the skinny legs and then big tits. Perfect face.

I think you like her. I like them all, man. Yeah, yeah, we have said Ron I told you this, Ron never mind. Do you watch the the link we sent you? Did you see? I've seen it. I've seen it on this episode of Two Bears, one cave is brought to you by Cap Terra.

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Are you ready to do your Jimmy Fallon interview. Yeah. Yeah. OK.

All right, are you, Jimmy, or are we just going to read it together? How about we do? OK, you read it to me and then I'll I'll I'm going to be legitimate doing Jimmy Fallon, OK? OK, OK, crazier guys, guys, so funny. I know you're funny. I saw you at the New York Comedy Club years ago. You were. Oh, my God. You were there. I was there, dude.

Oh, I'm so excited. I love your hair. Keep going. What was. OK.

Hey, big boy. It's so funny. Oh, he's got all these other ones where. Take this is great. OK, so. All right. We're going to play this game. Uh hey Hiebert. So OK. Are you ready. Yeah.

OK. Which I don't know, these questions are coming now.

I know. Which of the seven dwarves do you most identify. OK, ok.

I've been waiting for this. OK, Brad Williams Wieman. Yeah. Um Tatou from Fantasy Island and I think those are, those are my three that I really don't like.

I don't name any of them. All right Tom. Yeah. OK, ok.

I've been wanting to do this is a good one. This is a good one Tom. Yes.

OK, he's got a special called Ball Hog. I didn't even know he played basketball, you know.

Yeah, I know. I do love basketball. All right. He's got a special go ball hog and he's coming right now. And Jimmy Fallon. Tom, what seven dwarfs do you identify with the most?

No, no, not what? Seven Dwarfs. Which of the Seven Dwarfs? Oh, I miss Earth.

Which of the Seven Dwarfs. I love that he was just like name seven dwarfs.

Oh, I thought he was going to throw up.

I think I'm going to throw up. Oh, I got it, I got it made. Oh, that was Leavenworth Red.

So that's why you're like, Fred, will you say that the guy from Game of Thrones, Peter Dinklage, oh oh oh oh, how do you think that question would have gone over on Jimmy Fallon and Brad Williams women?

Peter, do you like, I don't know, seven named for this guy. Eleven dwarfs every year.

I was like, wow, a weird fucking question.

We're not going to do anymore.

Just. Huh.

All right, Tom on Jimmy Fallon, real quick, what's the worst thing about getting older?

You just know you're so much closer to death every day, you know? I wonder whether or not Palin would be the perfect just guys who don't hear the question the way they they wrote it.

Oh, that last one. That's a good question. That's a great question. All right. Let's let's see if we have volleyball. That was the best thing to tell someone in the middle of a hug.

There's so many ways to go, the middle of a hug I voted for Trump to carry out like this and remind you of your dad's birth mom.

Harder. Do you ever have it and touch you'd like this? OK, let's think out of the box, best in the animal hug. We're going to take our country back and watch cows getting slaughtered on line. I'm a man with a very special set of skills, middle of a hug.

I've killed Puppis. Yeah, fight back, see if you can get a break away from this. OK, middle of a hug, ready? OK, you want to go to Auschwitz? ID like a sightseeing trip in the. That's a good one, just say the thing. Mm. Yeah, you guessed right, uncircumcised. Why, what about just open ended, like a middle of a hug, right? We're hugging. Lean into your ear.

You thirsty? It's creepy, right? Yeah. It's a weird question. I bet, I bet they are. But here's the thing that's kind of crazy is is I guess if I guess what they do, they have to they couldn't put a celebrity on a spot like that. No, these are all rehearsed. So they're prepped, really everything's prepped. So they go to them. They go. So we're going ask you about the seven.

We're going to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you gave a genie, gave you three wishes, what would they be? And then there and then their writers have written funny answers. They they definitely have written.

And then they go, what do you think of it? And then the gas is probably like, no, no, yes, no. And then goes, oh, I've got I'm going to say this. And then with Ricky for sure would come up with funny shit to say. So yeah.

Ricky Gervais said about these Ricky Gervais questions. Yeah. What, what did he say were his favorite seven dwarfs. No, no.

They didn't say what are your favorite seven dwarves which you really draw.

You realize how viral that I would have gone if I was. I'd done Phalen. Oh, that was nice. And I misheard him.

You're like I like Brad.

I like Peter Dinklage Wieman. I can't name seven though.

Now he would have just fallen out of his chair. I bet they would have cut it. I bet they would have made me take it from the top and redo it now they would. But 10 years ago or 20 years ago, there had been I would have been to I remember watching I remember watching Don Rickles on Letterman one time.

Yeah. This is like right when the PC turn was happening, I was like, right when I started being a comic and he was like. He was a great crowd, great guy, you got a Puerto Rican in the front row, I know if we need a knife, were to get one, huh? You know, and you can see Letterman, by the way, and everyone's like, what? And Don Rickles, like Puerto Ricans carry knives.

They stab people. You're like, oh, did you ever see hey, was it hey, dummy. Hey, hey, big guy. Hey, big boy. Now, what was the name of what was the name of Don Rickles fucking special was it. Hey, stupid. Hey, Don Rickles.

Mister, Mister, Mister Smiles or somethin. How about fuckin Netflix almost releasing what is it called? Not Mr. Potato Head. Hey, uh. What is just like that yet? Yeah, yeah, comedy special, as he says, go to Wikipedia. It's his last one that he did. It'll be in Mr. Warmth. Mr. Warmth, do you ever see that? Mm hmm. No, it is so fucking inappropriate. I saw him on the he was doing like, you know, it's like spring training.

And they sent him to, I think, Dodgers spring training. And he's like meeting. This is like in the 80s. He's meeting guys on the field and they're all, you know, they're in like a.. They come up to him kind of like, hey, what's up?

Because they know he's going to bust up. Yes. And he's like, where are you from? This guy?

He's like a Republican. But when he got in and he's like, what's your wife cleaning hotel rooms right now?

You could not say that. Nobody would say Mr. Warmth. Is it Mr. Warmth? Does that go up? Mr. Warmth is the Don Rickles project. It's a documentary, but it shows the stand up. And he just he's on stage, is drawing. He sees an Asian guy. He goes two years in the jungle.

I was looking for your grandfather. Two fucking years.

Look at this guy smelling his hand over here like just the fucking greatest. The greatest like. And you could never do any of that.

But, man, I was crying. Those those guys, Buddy Hackett, I met Buddy Hackett once.

And dude, go to YouTube, go to YouTube, put in. Don Rickles. Wow, we're getting pretty good views on that last podcast. Yeah. Spring training. See if it's their. By the way, capsule hotels all the way to go. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Yeah. See, insults the. We're like fourth video down. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, please. Let me put your headphones on.

We can watch this. Got to love those guys.

Do you think you're an entertainment coach and the fellow that hired it's gonna to make you guys relax. Here's our no entertainment coach. Look at his job. It's all in a jug tubs. You get down in pubs and I know what I'm saying cos I shake my head, which means I definitely feel Pedroia should go back to your homeland to become a general. Pedro, I know you a lot of years and I watch you play. You're a great ballplayer.

Problem is the wife don't buy it. I met my wife, got a lot of money, but how are you going to make the one to clean hotel rooms? I got a lot to get out of the ballpark. Got to live and enjoy a little bit. I mean, Pedro is good, amigo. How old are you now? When we went down in this country, 38 years, we still talking Spanish. I want you to know I'm twenty nine thirty nine point nine.

You just won the lottery. You won two weeks and I have a great year finishes.

These are things that are going through my mind. And they got married. Shane Gillis. Oh, my God. This is fucking this is hilarious.

This is do you think the kids these like young kids that are so like WOAK. Yeah. Do you think that they'll watch this is the way we look is like what was the very first movie ever made. It was the fucking very first movie. Oh man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think they'll look at that and go what the fuck.

Yeah. I think right now somebody's watching. This would definitely say that. Why do we enjoy it. Because it's inappropriate.

So why is that, what is it about our sense of humor that the more inappropriate, the more it makes us giggle?

Because most people don't talk like this in public. It's like taboo.

And we know it's you know, we know it's I know there's there's like a there's a dance to it.

There's like a fine line of doing it. Well, the thing is, like, people never really got mad at Rickles, um, because the the theory is that the audience can sense your intent.

Like we know he's not malicious. We know he's not. We know it's an act and but he's saying things that are like, but then, OK, let's then let's let's take this apart.

Why did people I don't understand I sincerely don't understand why people got upset with your Louisiana joke, much like when you go, I think we should build a wall around those people. Yeah, like like do you think it's people that don't get subtlety or don't get nuance?

Part of it is that. Yeah, part of it. And then almost in a weird way, we should flag those people and isolate them.

I mean, I think we kind of do without without making it like a known I mean, like if you want to use that as an example, you know, the backlash essentially exists online and then those people make themselves known and then other people see those people and go like.

You know, let's isolate those people, you know, I mean, so it kind of actually does happen. Bizarre that someone would. Not see the human like you stand on stage with a microphone and then we go, this is a serious yeah, of course.

But the thing is, I mean, what I learned or I think you everybody you've dealt with more of it than me. Well, but I think everybody ends up figuring it out. If you're a comedian, is you go at first one when you have like people get really upset about something, you're like what's going on? But then you realize that the people that get really upset are never going to be a factor in your life because they're like, if they're really upset, if they go, I saw your fuckin hey, big boy in that joke about, you know, the broom in the mop.

But, you know, you're a horrible person. You're like, OK, they're not going to buy a ticket to the next show. So they're not a factor anymore. Well, you're never going to like what I did.

That's what Ari's point was. This joke wasn't meant for you, right? It was meant for my fans. Yeah.

I mean, I understand what he's saying by that. I understand what he's saying. Yeah. You know, the. It makes sense to say that. There you go. So that's not to not to go like inside baseball and talk about, but this is a totally different show.

When you were headset's. It is. Do you like it or. No, I don't care.

I've always liked her. I like that. Here's my question is that and I could deconstruct comedy and specials, more importantly all day long.

I will. Here's how I do it is I say something offensive, I do not know, it's offensive often until I'm in the in the editing bay with a black assistant editor and I'm watching the Starbucks joke.

And I'm like, Lou, I wonder how this is going to play.

Like, I don't think things through. Right. Ed like it. He loved it. He loved it. He was like and then I told him how a whole, like, broke down the joke and how it started. And he was like he was like, are you fucking serious? And then it's better. I wish I could have kept it the way I originally did it, but it couldn't because people you see the guy in the in the last Star Wars that looks like you.

No, there's oh, is he the guy that was in Heroes? I don't know. Yeah, I think I know who you talking about. He's a fighter pilot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're watching this. And I was like, fuck. Looks like Burke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a type hero's a fighter pilot.

Star Wars. So. So here's my question is that. You kind of lean into it, and I know you said in this special, you lean into it, you're like, man, if they thought they thought the last one was offensive, why do they see this?

Well, yeah, there's a huge the every special pretty much has, like, your, you know, signature section or used to it.

So there's a section in like the.

That's not him. Definitely. Definitely not him.

Type in cast of Heroes. Heroes is a TV show on NBC and then type NBC, now Hogan's Heroes. And then he's the guy he's that guy right there, but he's gotten fatter, that's why he looks like me. That's what is that's where it is. Yeah, I can't see him. Find out his name. Yeah, that that now he looks like me. Oh, now I see the other guy next to Mike Tyson, Mike Tyson, Mike Tyson.

I can't see who is it? I know that guy. Who is that man?

Oh, no, that. Is it the cast of Heroes anyway, so here's my question, or are we talking about people that look like me?

No, but we're talking about you. When you go to write a joke to you, is there is there subjects that you steer away from where you go? It's too hard. It's nice, but it works.

I do think that, like, things are of interest to you naturally. Yeah. And like, I won't I won't go.

OK, what's a big hot topic right now? Like a polarizing thing. Mass shootings.

I'm going to write like I don't where I go about that many, many more. But I think I think in terms of if I if if we pick up a topic, mass shootings are a thing that exists.

And I and I have a thought and opinion. Yeah. But I feel like something is coming out of well then I do it because my natural instinct is to talk about it. Yeah. But I'm not going to go like I have to have.

So you think do you think comedy really is just a representation of your personality and what you find humorous.

Mm hmm. For all of us, I think so.

So then what comic like what comic do you look at? And you go, that blows me away the way his like what he like. Remember Jay London. Yes.

Like the way what he found funny, what his sense of humor was, was like a slumber party.

I find it I find it interesting when you can watch somebody like that and you go like oh that dude's brain is interesting. Yeah.

But you know Brent lightbox like that to me where I go like. You might seem at first, and you like your head turns, you like what's going on, and then you start to really enjoy the ride of like this dude's brain works differently.

Yeah, Demetri Martin has a different type of brain. Yeah. Like you watch him in your like because I'll always especially with guys that write jokes like that when when I watch your comedy, I kind of shut my brain off and enjoy it like it's a different with that as a comedian but as a comedian. When I watch Demitry I try to figure out the riddle out. You do? Oh yeah. You try to guess. I try to guess it.

It's like a magic trick. Wow.

I feel like I mean, some of those straight up joke writer guys like where they just go like this is 100 written set up and punches. Yeah. Yeah. I think I do the thing where I go, I'm just going to try to enjoy this.

Jeselnik has the best first joke in a comedy special ever. Really without it. Did you watch the special. Yeah. Which one was the very first joke. I have a friend whose wife's pretty Christian and she always blames me for his bad behavior. The other day she came by the way. I'm murdering her joke. Anthony, I apologize. Yeah, but I'm just I want you to watch this.

Oh, I remember that. Yeah, I remember it now. It's just go type in Anthony. The next Netflix special. You got a few you. Oh yeah. It's the latest by the way.

I loved is fuckin the one before that where we talked about the shark attack and our thoughts and prayers. It no one really trashes Comedy Central for fucking thirty minutes. I'm trying to remember the names. It was such a departure from what he does with the joke writing. He tells this like story about about getting slammed by Comedy Central.

And I loved it, dude. Yeah. He's a great comedian. He really is, yeah, I take that back, Dave Chappelle. I got the best Dave Chappelle's kicker in the posse joke. Oh, that one was great. I actually really loved my favorite, favorite favorite, my the one that I love was the most recent one when he opened with talking about Anthony Bourdain. Oh, yeah.

Here's what.

Because the truth is, like the most important element in comedy really is surprise.

Like when you don't expect something a hundred and he he does that thing in that where he's like.

He's like, you know, dude had the best job, and then he just starts telling a story about a guy that was in like medical school or something or law school and then gave his wife up, gave his life up for a check.

And then he ended up being and he saw about a foot locker. And it's this huge, long thing.

And he's like and not once did that motherfucker think about killing himself. I fucking fell out. I mean, I really did. I laughed so hard.

Here's what's brilliant about what Chapell does is he's got a way of not losing me even when he's not when he's not telling a joke or he's kind of stringing one joke to another. He can take like five minutes and he will not lose me.

I don't know what it is. He subscribes to that theory. And I think it's 100 percent true that when you're not being funny, as long as you're interesting, you're you're captivating to an audience. So you don't have to be getting a laugh at all moments. As long as you're interesting, you're saying something either interesting or you are you know, he's such a master speaker that you'll follow him along on those moments where it's not comedy. Yeah. And so, like, he's mastered that, like being this.

It's like being a preacher almost, you know, like, well, he just is up there talking and you're just kind of dialed into what he's saying. And then he goes back to jokes. You don't remember that the last few minutes haven't been about something funny.

Do you realize how long and off tangent I could get if I had the Chappelle style? Like, I just be like waxing poetically about fucking nothing.

I don't read books. I don't watch documentaries.

Yeah, you should start smoking cigarettes. I think that that that was a great idea. And, you know, you see about where he's gone with them, why wouldn't you even try to smoke cigarettes?

Donelle said, I said, Dunnill, you smoke. And he goes, No, I've been around people. I said, I want to go Dave Chappelle about so many cigarettes. You want to quit smoking when you're around them? Yeah, I would love to see.

It's definitely has anxiety about, like getting like smoking and all the fucking bad health things.

I think he's all in on being a legend. Yeah. And I think he's just going to deal with he does that smoking is going to cost him at some point. But I think he's just like.

OK, with it, I mean, I fucking hold such a tight line so much when he does on that one special, he was vaping throughout it. Yeah. Because they really wouldn't let him smoke there. And so. Yeah, yeah. That's why I had to vape where he do that. I forget he's been smoking.

I feel like in all of them now. Yeah. Yeah. Well you see him vaping.

It's because they were like if you fucking light up a cigarette in this place we're going to shut the lights off.

You know, that's crazy. But he also smokes.

I mean, he smokes in the hallways of the Comedy Store. He smokes on stage and they're like, you're not allowed to smoke here.

And then he knows now that it's Aflex like a power move. He did it, I think, on SNL, where they're like, are you smoking? He's like, no, but who's going to tell me not to wear? How fucking great is that? It's like standup brings his own bottle. He brings travels with his own booze because he can't trust anybody. Yeah. So he always just pulls a bottle of booze out of his jacket and pours a drink and then a cake.

You can't drink here. And he's like, OK, yeah, just makes cocktail. You should start doing that.

I just quit drinking Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Monday, Sunday. How are you going to go without drinking now. Eight weeks. You're not going to drink for eight weeks. See. I mean, you're going to see I'm I see I told I I'm not so the way this. Oh, my God, how was your vegetarian challenge going?

It's going fucking awesome. So it's been one day. It's been one day. And I made a brisket last night.

We were doing it. It's swordfish and brisket. I made a 15 pound brisket last night. I'm trying to figure out who broke, who lost first. I had broccoli, by the way.

I didn't. I didn't. It would have been you because I didn't have a broccoli and a egg patty things and eggs for breakfast. And then I didn't eat until nine o'clock at night. I had swordfish and brisket.

OK, so I think you got to buy. The daddy said, OK, well, let's wait until this economic downturn. Let's see if we can get dandy suits for.

Yeah, we could probably get quite a deal on them.

Not everyone's going out buying Dandy's in the middle of non-essential business like that.

Oh they've got to be like, oh, what are we going to do. I can't figure this one out.

Are you trying to support local businesses?

I am. I'm worried about my sweatshop. My are not sweatshops. Cold sweat sweat shop. That's why they change the name of it is sweat cycle. Oh yeah. I'm worried about sweat cycle actually. I'm going to I should call Hannah Drake right now.

I don't have a fucking. No, no. I was going to tell her because all these all these instructors that I work there are now kind of out of work. Yes. And it's impossible to get a job.

And I was going to try to tell them that what they should do is lean in to a podcast or lean in to social media. And like I mean, I would definitely listen to Hannah Drake. Hannah is the first on the very first episode. She's the way the waitress that came in with the drinks. She's also my instructor for spins like for spin cycles where I go sweat cycle, sweat cycle. But she has great playlists. She has great taste of music.

So she put together a playlist and puts it on her Instagram. But what she should do is put them on a Spotify list so that people like me that are getting on a treadmill can. It's fun to listen to music when you don't know what comes up next. Yeah. And put together.

And do you want to go get donuts so that. Why I know just thinking of something to do, yeah, about my ileum would be so mad at me if I am not allowed to leave the house except to you. Oh, yeah.

She has put me on strict lockdown. Strict lockdown. Yeah, because she's because we are scared of the girls, because the girls wanted to go party party like all their friends are off. Like Georgia was like I'm going to go to a neighbor's house for the weekend.

And Leeann's like, by the way, if we were in high school, how great would this have been? If you're like, oh, schools just over now?

Shit. I would have been and I hate to say this because I know that there are kids doing this. Yeah, I would have been the kid going, but I can't get it. Fuck it. Yeah, of course. Fuck it. I'm partyin balls. I'm going out in the boat. I'm going fucking wakeboarding. I'm drinkin. Who cares.

Who cares. They had their.

I would have been that kid of course you'd be like, I don't care if I get you pregnant, we're all going to die. Yeah.

You know, I mean I maybe I take that back because AIDS came out when I was a kid. I was terrified, fucking terrified of getting AIDS. Yeah. Back home, we thought straight white dudes could get AIDS.

Yeah, that's I was terrified. Accountable.

I got drunk with a bunch of people from the CDC in Atlanta that came on my show at the laughing school. There's a long time ago.

And I said something about what diseases do we need to worry about? Like, so we're just bullshitting. And I said like and I said something about AIDS and they all laughed at me. One of the guys at the CDC drunk said, Do you know what we call a straight guy with AIDS? I said, What? And he goes, a liar.

I went, Holy shit. All I heard out of that was I've been wearing condoms for nothing. Yeah, sure. You don't need to wear them. When I was I mean, like, I'm not not to like this is where I spin off of my conspiracy theory. Yeah.

But like it would have decimated our friend population. Like how many, how many kids you go to high school that have AIDS that are straight.

How many. Oh you mean to run through them right now. Yeah. None.

Zero like that question's ridiculous.

Yeah. Zero. Like how many of your friends from high school that are straight have aids. None.

And but they told you as a kid you're going to get AIDS. Yeah. And it's not like, it's not like. Did they ever wheel an AIDS patient into your school. No we did.

We had one. Oh I'm going to top this, but I'm dying to hear this story. Well, they were like, you need to go to the auditorium. And we went to the auditorium and there's just like a lady. Sitting on stage, it's kind of like downtrodden, we're like, what is this? They don't even tell us what's happening. And then they're like, OK, we got, uh, this is a special speaker and, you know, blah, blah, blah.

And we're still all like, you know, listening, kind of zoning out. And they're like and, you know, she's got something really important to to tell you guys. And we're like, OK. And then she's like, my name. I forget her name.

And she goes by a and I have AIDS. And everybody was like, what? Because we'd never, you know, heard anything like that. And then she went on to tell us that she got it, I think from a blood transfusion and that her T cell count was down to like 30 or something.

Oh, blood transfusion was like shit, just like I might die soon. Oh.

And gave us this whole and of course, it was so somber. It was so depressing. And then, yeah, not long later they made it, they announced they let us know they're like she died and everybody was like, OK, cool. And they're like so don't get AIDS, it's ok.

They brought us in tenth grade and they brought in a TV in the religion class and we're like, sweet.

And they're the best when they wheel in the TV wheel in the TV.

Mr. Mirken Dante puts in the tape his play and he's like, Gentlemen, this is a third trimester abortion and walks out of the room.

And we're like and we want to say full, uh, third trimester abortion, where they broke apart the baby. Oh, pulled out the body parts. What the fuck?

What's crazy is that, you know, gallows humor were a bunch of boys, all boys, Catholic high school. They show a pussy and we go fucking bananas. Yeah. Like we see a chick's pussy and we're like, oh, shit, oh, shit.

And then they go in it. We're like, oh God, this is going to get. And then an arm comes out. We're like, what the fuck?

They broke apart that baby piece by piece and they showed us that whole fucking thing.

All right. God damn, man. Yeah. And then they put it back in and put it back together.

OK, I had to form my personality somehow. I'm sure that did something did they bring up they bring in dudes into our chapel and they give a speech. My name's Dave. I'm 22 years old. And I was driving down the causeway drunk, going the wrong way. And I killed a whole family. And I'm here to talk to you about drinking and driving.

And all of us are like, yeah, we're not fucking assholes, Dave. Yeah, we have a couple drinks and drive fucking Jesus.

I remember that they they brought in a coach, a college basketball coach, and he gave a speech and it was a good speech.

You know, I forget like but it was it was some type of like motivational. He was a good speaker. And then I found out that they paid him like ten or twenty thousand dollars for that. And I was like, what? And this was not here's the thing.

It wasn't a big time, like top tier coach, but that is part of if you're in that, you know, job lane, that is there's the speaking market and you go and, you know, you get hired to do these things. And I was like, Jesus Christ. And then years later.

When I started doing stand up, my the school reached out to me and I remembered that and I was like, Yeah, but you got to pay up.

And they're like, well, you're an alum, so can you give us a discount? And I was like, no. And then they go, Oh, well, then. I guess we won't do it. Oh, I speak I speak on my high school in a second. Oh yeah, I'd go this way. Do you like them? No, no. This is what I do. I said I speak there and then I'd be I'd go faculty priests, get outside, lock the doors, and I would give these boys a lesson in fucking life.

What would you tell them? I tell them No one.

Fuck school. Find out what you want to do and do it and love it. Dude, I wish someone had told me about comedy so much more. I like this. What's the hardest part about taking this time off is that I don't feel like I feel put upon because I love what I do. I will. I would work. You know, I work every single weekend I can.

Yeah. I love doing comedies and the fact that it's taken away from me makes me like I was so deflated when we were in New Orleans. And then they came on the bus and they were like, hey, we pulled the shows.

I was so fucking deflated and I felt so depressed for like the next three days I couldn't get out of it. I was like I was like, so what am I supposed to do?

Yeah, that's a whole new reality for us. But every kid in that room should find that thing they love to do. If it's video games, collecting baseball cards, whatever it is, if you love it, you're going to fucking succeed at it. If you love it, you got to pursue it.

You got to pursue you. I mean, I talk about it in that new special. Really. I do. Yeah, I'm serious, really, because I talk about it because I talked about the fact that we meet a lot of people and it started to buy me out to meet people that go, oh yeah, man, fucking this is the highlight of my life because my life sucks and I'll be like, what the fuck, man? And then they go, like, you know, yeah, I hate what I do.

And you're like, well, why are you doing that?

So it just became like a theme to build off of. But yeah, I believe in that. That that I mean, it's it's something that everybody kind of knows. Yeah. But for some reason they don't buy into.

But it is true that if you really pursue work in a passion space like something you're passionate about, it becomes like the best thing ever. Yeah. Even if all of us became like that, they don't realize that like we were obsessed with doing stand up and broke.

Yes, we were obsessed and growing.

You stay in it forever because your obsession necessitates that you do it, you know, like you have to do.

I didn't have a choice. I don't have a choice. I don't get to. But I don't want to give a discount to my fucking school.

OK, that's not about loving or not loving standard performance.

Yeah. Fuck you. I paid full tuition. Why the hell do I have to give you a discount?

We had we had we had our baseball team. We played we used to play alumni's and and they were like just local guys that used to play for the baseball team and then our team at the time would play them. So one guy was a baker, I think are like electricians.

It was like every one of them was like, he's a cop. He's a firefighter. Yeah, he's a bakery's electrician. And this before becoming a baker, was an artisanal thing. It was like you just were a baker. And I remember being on stealing second base and I was talking to the guy and I want to say he's a baker. And I said I said so he was like covering the bag. And I guess, what do you do for a living?

And he goes, I'm a baker. I said, Do you like what you're doing? Fuck no. And I went, Oh, yeah, it's horrible. And I was I remember looking at me. It's horrible to feel that way. Yeah. And I remember looking at all the guys that we were playing against and I was like, oh, they all look at that.

Those guys all hated their jobs. They used to be the mandate. And now you look at it, you're like, oh, kids. I would tell that everyone find the thing you love to do.

I also feel like there's such a great I mean, this is a personality type thing. Yeah. But working for yourself, like, if I didn't have comedy and you go, like, what would you be doing?

I would go, well, I would find some business that it's the business is I can do it, you know. I mean, like that's what I love about this era is, you know, we talk about sneakers earlier and like you can you can buy a bunch of sneakers and do a online thing and and, you know, have them auctioned and sell them direct, like that type of thinking. And the work is what I would pursue if I wasn't doing comedy.

I would try to make a living, not going to an office.

Oh, I wouldn't make I wouldn't go to office. It's funny. I met a kid who said he wanted to be a YouTube star, a YouTube, a YouTube star, YouTube star, and then you and then you see that and you're like you're like, wow, that's silly. And then you I put up YouTube videos that I edit and it's so much fun. Yeah. And then I go, oh, fucking why wouldn't you just get better at it everybody.

Logan Paul Kitman. I don't know. He's got me dialed in. I watched a couple of his videos because Joe was talking about him. Yeah.

And they really moved fast and I was like, you know, he's doing he knows what the fuck he's doing and he's got me like I'm watching a guy watch him get knocked out and then wrestler dude.

And I was like, he's living the dream is living his best life. Yeah.

Yeah. Mathlete What was I going to mention to you? Fucking forgot. I just remember I fucking forgot I was going to ask you something. Type O, positive type O, type of positive o think whatever o this is the last thing I wanted to say last thing. Well no no we're not done. But I was just I remember this from earlier that I wanted to say is that right now like there's different levels to this and it affects things differently, like during this quarantine.

I don't know if the stuff's going to be where we are now in a few days when this comes out. But like, there's things you can do.

Um, you know, like I try to support some local businesses.

Oh, that's what we were talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My first thing I mentioned you and like, you can, you know, like, like, for instance, there's pickup dining out food right now.

You can order especially from a small place and ordering that food. And if you can afford to, to tip them like you're you're keeping somebody else, like you're helping them out. Yeah. But I also feel like, you know, like one thing, like I have a regular guy that picks me up from my airport runs, you know. Yeah. And I called him today just to check on him. And I think that that's something that everybody can do is like check on people, right?

Yeah. You know, I mean, people that you normally see wherever I don't know, like in your day to day strolling around or, you know, the local business, like even if you can't financially support them, you can check on them, you know, you can call them. I think it helps. Yeah.

I think what else I think is another thing I was thinking today is like there's a lot of our friends in the business who, you know, like us a couple of years ago were just doing clubs, just doing clubs and there and they have podcasts and. Well, I think what a lot of us should do is volunteer like go, hey, man, let me get on your podcast. Let's pull your numbers up and try to boost your podcast so we get you advertising.

That's a good idea because I think there's a lot of like there's a lot I mean, there's a lot within our own community that we're I think we're going to be obligated to do look at all those servers, all those fuckin doormen, all those people that just their salaries go. They're going to be hurting, of course.

I mean, we should definitely I don't know. I think one of the things actually, you know, we should do we should do a fucking live podcast out of the store. No, no audience in there. Do a live podcast and bring all our friends on one by one and do a fundraiser, put up a go fund me and be like, if you were in the middle of the country, you're in West Virginia and you're not affected at all.

But you love podcasts, you love comedy. Just all you do throw five bucks at to go fund me and then and then build to go fund me and then take that, disperse it across all these clubs in L.A. of all the servers, I can already tell you how like people will try to attack that idea.

No, because I know what's going to happen. People go like, well, you're talking about the servers, but like I'm struggling too. And it's like, yeah, I understand that.

Like, a lot of people are struggling significantly during this time because it's basically like an economy shutting down.

I think what but what Burt's saying is that if you're in a position where you can look, it doesn't have to be comedy related.

It can be like a server or a bartender, somebody with a completely different job who is now in a shitty place.

You know, you can reach out and you can bartenders and they've shut and bars down everywhere. That's what I'm saying.

It's it's everywhere. So if you're in a position to financially, you know, help somebody, you can do that.

But also, like, if you're not, it doesn't mean you can't just, you know, reach out to people and be cognizant of how you represent yourself on social media and the life you're living. If you're a young person, because there are people that are on your social media, that are your friends, that are fucking struggling, that have lost everything and don't have a way to pay rent this month. And if you're at a beach party and balls because I mean, that's what I just like you're saying.

What don't depict that.

Don't like just be cognizant that you may be rubbing it in to someone else.

And that's actually not bad advice. Well, it was given to me by LeAnn when I said we should go skiing now. She was like she was like, I'm not going fucking skiing with you. Like, I go, no, let's go to like Canada. We're going to BAMF. We'll fuckin get the fuck out. We'll drive up, take the tour bus. So I'm still going to tour bus. We're talking in two months. Oh right.

You already paid for it, right. Yeah.

So and I almost feel badly about a Ferrari the other day and I was posting this for I feel like I feel like I go. How can I. What if I just sent Ron on the road in my tour bus to go help people like go Hey Ron, I got a job for you. I'm paying everyone. Go and get out. Go out.

Yeah, but yeah, I don't look, by the way, I don't know anything I'm talking about, so don't listen to me about any of this fucking talk.

That kind of advice is very true. Never listen to Bert on anything. Yeah. And and then having said that, definitely watch Tom Securus special ball hog ball hog.

It should be streaming now or very soon if you're watching this the moment it comes out. Thanks, everybody. I had a really and I will say this sincerely had a great time on that tour. It was the highlight of my career thus far and shooting. That was an amazing experience. So thank you, everybody. I hope you enjoy it.

What's the one joke? What's the one joke that would make you make your, like, heart swell of people like, dude, I love that. Dot, dot, dot joke.

Man, can I tell you, I'll tell you my two, I'll let you think. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and tell me if this doesn't fucking ring very true to this podcast, OK?

The one about the black guy and Hitler from my special.

Yeah, it was it was when you got to say that, it was like it was those are the two.

You're like, I love your Hitler joke. I'm like, thank you. That's I guess you definitely watch the special and then the black Starbucks.

Yeah. For me I would say the gypsy the moment at the bar I can't wait hang and my dad losing and my dad.

Yeah, yeah. Those are the ones that protected me.

Should I live stream watching your special. I would love that. OK, yeah. All right. I'll put it on. Hey let's do this. Yeah. Let's do this. Yeah.

Next week at the same time. No, no, no. I say we do when you're special comes out. Yeah. I say for promotion we can we do it here we live stream where we set up for all our fans.

We're going to watch it together. Yeah. And I watch your special. Yeah. And then you watch my you already see my special so. Yeah yeah. Yeah. But oh that would be a comment on it.

Like, like if I companioned like if I companion. That's funny. It's a funny idea. Yeah.

You should do stuff like that. We should do a actually we could do it for that which is a great idea and we could do it for TV shows, movies we could do with anything.

Oh I love that. Yeah. I would love um what we should do is we should watch it and show that you're not watching the whole special.

We should watch it and then I'll pull out my five favorite clips and then we'll watch that clip. I'll tell you why I loved it and then you tell me how you wrote it, OK? And then and then we don't even need to be five. I bet it could be like three and three.

Yeah. And we'll each do that. Maybe we'll do that on the next two. There's one cave.

We can price it then. What do you think that have. Yeah, I think we can set something like that. Yeah, we'll each pick our two, two or three favorite bits from each other special.

OK, we'll watch it live, we'll giggle. Maybe we'll get high and then we'll and then we'll pick up. Then you can tell me how it started, how you wrote it and everything about like I love it says it's a great idea.

That's a great idea. What's coming next on Dubas one KABE next week. We're here next week. Right. We should be. Yeah, let's do it. We got nothing else to do. Go to Netflix.

Hey big boy. And then ball hog there. They're both streaming. I love you. I love you too. Bye guys.

Bye guys. Third time and one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in bird snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call sandbaggers. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call on Katie.