Let's start to show you this, this is a very, very, very, very hot and looking good. Looking good. He's burned, Krischer. I'm sorry, just put the pedal to the metal. There's a perfect way to start off the show, about 12 years in the making. There's going to be a fucking shit show that everyone's going to get a hundred percent plasma donated plasma to God. You're helping everybody.

It's great to be back to birds, one cage bears, one kid with known philanthropist guys, I didn't shower today, so I got it crowded. Now, there we saw it. Leave it up, man. This looks awesome. It drives me nuts. We let them see it for a few minutes. Yes.

It's just fucking so ridiculous.

Looks good. I like that. That white streak.

It's cool, right? It's very cool. A little bit of water on it.

I can I can flatten it down in some pretty cool ways like OK, go like this.

That is a cool way.

Hey guys, can you do do a buckteeth kind of thing. Like do that.

Yeah. Perfect. Looks good, right? Yes, it kind of looks like the fear I'm getting a haircut today. You are? Yeah. Yeah. You want to know what you want to know? I got the guy coming to my house.

Hmm. Yeah. Cut my hair. I'm going to wear a mask. He's got to wear a mask, and then I got to wear a mask. It's kind of a fucked up thing, but I was going to just shave it. I one of the girls to shave it. But there were that I didn't trust them because they were like, where do we start in your beard? I was like, never mind.

I was like, you guys are fucking imbeciles. Why don't you let me do it?

No, why don't we I would I we just got a very visual of Josh Potter's hair. Looks good. It looks fucking awesome. Full head of hair. I never knew that.

Yeah. Would you ever get a wig.

Yeah. Like a wig. Wig. Oh like really really. Like get it.

I think when they do, when they do the hair club for men they do you know there's a cool wig. Have you seen nationless. Have you any day fiance before the 90 days. No people.

David David from the fiancee.

He has a really cool happening wig.

Let's do right there.

That doesn't look cool by the way.

I feel so bad that I shit on these. I've only shit on the fiance. Say guys. Well yeah you should. I feel horrible.

Why would the guy with the the guy. That guy, that guy. The guy with the neck, he used to be a really good looking dude. What are you saying.

He's not anymore.

Still you just not as sweet. We should really talk about this because I guarantee you there are guys out there losing their hair, dealing with it for the very first time. Do you remember when you started losing your hair? Yeah. So there is a whole thing in my family.

But I mean, I say family. I mean, like, you know, cousins and uncles and were they were just like they're all bald, like and they've been bald and they lost their hair early. So when I was out of high school going into college and still had all my hair, they were all like, I think you fucking jumped it. Really?

Yeah. Because they were one of my cousins, like, what are you taken? I was like, what do you mean? He goes, What are you taking me? I'm not taking anything.

And he was bald, bald at like eighteen. I was like, oh man. I think he was he was thinning in high school. My dad's bald.

All my uncle was bald. And so I kind of thought I was like, oh, and I had to I always had a widow's peak. So I always had like the hair would go back here and I had it longer in my early twenties.

And when I remember when I was 25, I could do like this, like grab the hair and go back. And it was it wasn't thick. It was always like kind of, you know, thin, but but there wasn't gaps or anything. And then I was like, oh, maybe. And then got what was it.

I was by the time I was I got to rock like that kind of hair through my through my 20s.

You had hair. You had hair when I met you. Yeah. No, no, it's I was saying like into early thirty and then there was like I would tell who cut my hair regularly like it's thinning out and they always go like no it's not great.

Yeah. I was like I feel like it's thinning. And then it became progressively worse. And what I refuse to like because people just keep will lie to you that, you know, like once it was the thinness in the front because that's where my thinness is here.

Yeah. I still have hair in the back and much I don't like having it thinness in the back.

Well, this right here once because you see it, you see it like every time you see a mirror, once like this grows another, you know, quarter inch, you're like, oh, you can see the gap.

So I just try to keep it down. I would say I had to throw in the towel a year ago, but then a year before that, I already knew that it was, you know, coming.

That's interesting. I remember it was my first feeling of mortality, really, when I found out I was losing my heroes, dating this girl. I did this girl all through college and.

And this guy, Jeff Hartley, was standing above me at the fraternity, I got long hair the whole time, all the way up until, like my first I saw pictures of the first junior year, first second sophomore year. I had long hair and so I second sophomore year. And so then I cut it short and I got a Caesar haircut, dude, fucking badass Caesar haircut.

I mean, do you want to see it? You see Caesar? Yeah. Dude, this is a fucking legit, by the way, a lot of beverages today.

I know. I know. I have a drinking problem.

The this is my Caesar cut. OK, yes. Here. Can you see it on the camera.

We can give it to OK. Give it to him. So that was my Caesar cut and I a little goatee and I remember being at the fraternity house and Jeff Hartley was standing above me, looked down. He's like bro. And he touched my head and he goes and it was like he touched my scalp and he was like, You're losing your hair.

And I was like, I mean. It was I've never been diagnosed with any disease or anything, but I had that feeling where your heart sinks and you can't stop. Yeah, yeah. And it's like a panic attack. And I remember being in the car with my girlfriend and I was like, hey, I'm not losing my hair. And I leaned forward. She goes, Oh, yeah, you're losing your hair. And I went and I fucking went too.

So how old are you? I was twenty, twenty one.

I was 21 years old and I went to the doctor that day and I got on hair medicine. You did that fucking when you were 21. Yeah. I had to wait in long lines. And what did they give you back then.

Rogaine rosenbush prescribed. But it stopped. It stopped it immediately. And I and all of a sudden, no hair loss, no hair loss, no hair loss at all.

Now, if you go thinner than now, will you like it or.

No, no, no, I'm so I'll get a haircut and it'll look like it did my specials. So, like, for whatever reason, the longer it looks, the longer it gets, the thinner it looks, the shorter it is, the thicker it looks. So when as soon as I cut it, it'll look normal. It's kind of stopped altogether.

But like Lee-Anne. But here's the thing that bum me out.

So I'm with the girls. I got a scarf. I got one of my Hawaiian shirts from Dicksons. I got it open. I'm on the bike. I got a visor on. Right. I'm having cocktails. I'm really fucking feeling it. My hair's my hair sticking out of the visor and it just looks wild and crazy. Right. And I'm feeling great.

And then LeAnn snaps a picture of me and I saw what I looked like and it wasn't what I thought I was were.

But that seems on brands, you know. But what you know, I like what didn't feel right.

I mean, I was I was like it was just like hugely bald and thinning and fat. And it was like all the I did not look.

Do you remember the photo of you playing the ukulele?

Were you like taping Burgermeister Triplette? We go up. Oh, that broke my heart. I, I posted that picture.

It was like, oh, tiepin. Why why am I saying tiepin.

This is going to take fucking forever typing.

You can't believe dude that I remember seeing that picture and it was so disgusting.

Now I only remember this because you told me and then you show me you go that this is the picture that you were like I got a fucking picture, fucked me up, I'll find it on my phone and send it to I'm sure it's on my phone.

It broke my heart, but it's not who I it's when you see a picture of yourself and you go, that's not who I am.

Yeah. Like, I'm no, I'm not a fat guy. I'm not disgusting. Sometimes I'll go like this.

This this is I swear to God, I'll open my camera. I'll take a picture show to you. Yeah.

And I'll go out and then I'll go away and then I'll see this in the camera and go, that's not me.

Oh it fucking kills me. Oh yeah.

Oh it's like the fucking saddest. And that's what it felt like when I was losing my hair. I was like, I'm not losing my hair. I'm a full head of hair. I'm young life inside of me. I get those all the time.

And also the the the range of what people tell you because in the same like comment section or or email thread or whatever, it's going to be like, you look great man. And then next thing will be like, you really look like shit dude. So fat and gross.

You know, I talked to someone the other day and they go it goes, that really haunts me. I told them I wasn't doing an interview and they said. When when did you when did you realize you had to start losing weight and I go, I didn't know I was fat, like when you guys started fat shaming me, I that's when I found out I was fat. I swear to God, I in my head to wasn't a big weight to 240.

Wasn't a big weight. Yeah. I was getting on the scale, taking pictures in a Speedo on my vlog when I was doing a blog and you Christina started lighting me up to like you. Looks like Gerada Depardieu. And I remember being on a jog in Alabama listening to you guys talk about me on your mom's house being fat. And then I was like, I'm a fucking fat. What do they fucking talking about? And then I got back to Liane's lake house and I look in the mirror, I go, I'm fucking disgusting.

And I was like, wait, why did this happen? But isn't there a part of you? Because I've always gone up and down. Up and down.

Oh, where you know, where you actually go. Like, looking back, you're like, I'm glad somebody said like, yeah.

And everyone's family is different in my family. Like, I have to be like grotesquely like about to die before someone will say something.

No one will say, oh, no, no, no, no, no, my no.

My dad. You told me your dad will be like, I think you've eaten enough.

My dad, my dad, like he's had enough and moved my plate away from me like my dad is.

I say to him, I said to my daughters, I said to my daughters, I this is like this is like straight up therapy shit. This last Christmas, I was like, my parents are out here and I'm going through fluctuating my weight. And I think I'm sure we were in some sort of challenge or whatever. I hadn't eaten. I had worked out that morning my my dad had just gotten in and I knew I wanted to have a good trip with my dad.

And if my dad sees me for the first time and sees me as fat, then the entire trip, I can't eat around him because he starts fucking getting on me like you don't need that. Not you don't he doesn't want beer. Just have like have a simple wine, not beer, so many calories. He gets really on me about that.

And so I wake up, I don't, I don't eat dinner, I go to sleep, I wake up, I get on the treadmill, I run like five miles. I know that we're having like four o'clock dinner. I don't eat lunch. And so I fasted now all the way till 4:00 am. My daughters are taking their time, but I'm starving, starving, and they're taking their time, getting over to my sister's house. And I explode and I go, can we just get the fuck out of here so my dad can see me skinny?

We can have a good time and then I can fuck me.

And my daughters are like, what kind of relationship is Dad had with Poppa and mangoes? Complicated. Let's get in the fucking car.

I just think my dad to see me skinny, I was like, fuck, it just came out of me. Yeah, I don't have that.

Oh, bro.

My dad will be like I mean I could be like to seventy and he'll be like, uh, you know, you're getting like a little bit of a guy for real.

Yeah. What about your mom. Your mom's got to be my mom Will.

Not say anything, not say anything, not say anything, and then she would like privately, we like privately, yes, she'd be like, oh, do you know how cool that would be for someone privately to say, hey, I think you've gained some weight?

Yeah. As opposed to she would say like an asshole.

But privately, you know, oh, my dad just says it like a fucking asshole. And I've so many pictures of me in Hawaii. There's no way I'm finding this. That's such a great picture. It's not framed.

No, no, no, no, no.

That picture of me playing the ukulele, you're like and I'm like and my arm just goes in. I'm going to take a minute to tie my arm folds into my dick. Is one like because when I see that picture I always picture Ari because I was like, God, you look disgusting enough.

Yeah.

Ari, it's such a brutal, horrible human being.

So rude. He's such a bad person. Maybe it happened on Maui.

Oh, it's got to be years ago. So it would be. Oh fuck. That was so.

Yeah. And I was so funny playing the ukulele then. It was like we are having such a great time and fucking then they took that picture and I was like, oh this isn't good.

I wish you had it. I don't have it.

Yeah, I'm losing your hair. I with my first step into mortality, getting realizing I was fat, realizing I was fat, and then there was nothing I could do about it. Like I'm having a hard time right now losing weight.

But it's you know what it is.

I can't my I wish I could just shut off the part of my brain that goes that goes yesterday. Perfect example. I pick up Georgia, Georgia. Our friend went to Malibu socially distant with her mom, but they all got in the car together. They. Yeah, I know. I'm fucking it's very tough to parent. Yeah. Shit. And so I go to pick up Georgia. It's me and I, we're still in our pajamas. It's like fucking five o'clock.

Right. We pull over and he's a McDonald's and she was like knows Liam will not let her get McDonald's. She was Dallas. Can we get McDonald's when I go. Of course. So we pull through McDonald's, I go, what are you guys getting thinking I'm going to get a little I have a little bit of what they get, you know. Yeah. And I goes, oh, just a small fry. And then I go, What do you want, Georgian's?

You got small fries. I go, what the fuck is wrong with you? No one gets small fries.

So they go, can we help you? That you said, yeah. You know, no one goes to McDonald's, gets small fries. That's not the dumbest thing on American piece of shit because like people who drink this, like people who drink decaffeinated coffee. What, are you just trying to stay in your teeth?

Yeah. Fuck yeah. Stupid. So I go, can you imagine what kind of fucking asshole goes to Starbucks and goes give decaf.

What the fuck. Like what.

No coffee doesn't even taste good really. You know, I worked with somebody who used to work at Starbucks and told me that when people are rude, they're rude and they ask for a coffee, they put decaf and it's good. I love that kind of social justice.

Yeah, I love that fucking that's that's prison justice right there. That's fucking I had a buddy one time shout at the Ben. Wait, hold on.

Let's see if you want this story told you always do this. Hey go ahead and cut that out later.

Anyway, he was pinning down these three chicks at a party and just his last name out.

Last name. I knew it. He he got he got into a fight outside of Publix one time in Tallahassee, and the guy knocked his tooth out and the cops took him to jail like he got in a fight.

The guy was being a bully. Punches Bamberger's a tooth knocked out. They take him to jail. The cop takes him to jail. And why exactly like I didn't do anything. I got beat up and the guy was like, fuck you, you're drunk, whatever.

So you take me to jail, then worked at this restaurant and one day the cops come in and it's the cop and took him to jail and Ben's cooking burgers and the cops, like, doesn't recognize Ben. He's like, yeah, free burgers, beer free burgers, give us everything. Give us this. Because that gives that starts barking Ben around. Ben, what is the only one in there. And he's like, OK, I gotcha. Goes back, cooks my burger just goes, Oh.

Leans over to on the burger and sees his manager standing there going, what the fuck are you up to?

Get better. It gets better. Ben gets fired. He gets fired across the street from the bullets. But he got beat up at right. It's across the street. He goes over to the public's buys of 40 and starts walking home with the 40. The cops pull out of the burger joint. Sieber with the party, give him a fucking ticket. Oh, no, dude. That was one of the fucking hardest.

I've laughed when he came home. This has been a fucking shit day. Takes his fucking flipper out anyway. God damn it. What were we talking about?

I don't know. I don't know how we get into that.

I don't know. Fucking well, how did we get into this oh, oh, decaf, decaf stain your teeth, McDonald's, yeah, your McDonald's.

How did you put that together? Who let me go? Like I don't have Alzheimer's. Yeah. So that was pretty impressive. Yeah.

So to ask for small fries, you're like jackass are like Telecomix. They're like, hey, small fry, small fry. And then I'm like the small fry. And so I go can I get two large fries and like we're not going to eat all those. And I'm like, what do you mean we're not going to eat all who like that.

Just French fries. Yeah. Yeah. And so I go to large fries and then I, and then I go, is that all you guys want for real. And they go, Yeah, you get anything. And I go, I don't think so. And then I couldn't help but I go for two beers, a Big Mac and another large round of Diet Coke and they're like, what the fuck just happened? And I was like, I have a problem with Impulse ladies.

And I ate four cheeseburgers and a Big Mac on the ride home and the fries or the fries were gone before we left the drive thru. Yeah, I mean the fries came in and I fucking waiting for the burgers.

I ate them fucking like just a fistful and yeah that's the best with the fries.

They're trying to stop from your mouth. Let me hold on your cheeks. Are they piping hot like when they're burning in your heart.

I burned all the I want McDonalds right now. Yeah.

I could eat McDonald's. And how was that. Diet Coke fucking sucked it down. It was so and I had a lacroix's go. You went up. Let's go. I would, I would fucking bring in a burger contest right now.

I could fuck up some burgers, burgers. Be good. I bet I could. I bet, I bet I could write that down. We should do a burger contest. Yeah. We really should do a burger contest.

Yeah I, I ate all of it. I got home and Liane's like I haven't eaten yet. Have you eaten. I was like OK I get a little bit.

Yeah. Like what does that, what is calorie wise. It's got to be I don't know going to be like to eat a McDonald's uh Google McDonald's menu calories.

And then I just took an Ambien and was like, I'm done with today. That's a perfect day. Yeah. I was like I'm done. I didn't even work out. I never even took off the same pajamas, OK?

The OK, so what's the best thing? What's a cheeseburger, just go cheeseburger. Berger, these are like these are signature, SAROSH These aren't MacDonell, these are weird. What country are you? What are you using. Use Express VPN.

They make a better Mac is five, 40 to 50, 60. OK, there you go. Quarter Pounder. OK, 560 560. Because I made sure that all the stuff was in it and then cheeseburger.

Yeah. That's got to be just a regular just it's not going to be a double cheeseburger. So I didn't take the. Much like double's 390 cheeseburger. There it is, 300. So I had 12 calories, 17 at about eight with that. Plus the fries are large fries. I had probably twenty three hundred calories, that's a day for a lot of people, so that's actually more than I'm supposed to have in one day.

I overate in one meal. What are you going to have in a day?

Like I'm supposed to have 20 if I want to lose weight, like 2100 calories. You look good, though. What do you weigh now? Two thirty five right now.

For. Yeah, yeah, so wait till there's over a thousand between the Big Mac and the fries plus 12. Yeah, so almost 2500.

I could have eaten more.

Yeah, I bet. What's the what's the most you could find like an eating contest. Let's do this.

Yeah. We're supposed to do the donut hole, do a charity contest, me versus you.

Who can eat the most calories for McDonald's in one sitting.

You know, I think McDonald's will probably have our fuckin thing taken down. There are certain things I can fuck up. OK, I can fuck up McDonald's. I can't fuck it up where I don't even notice it.

And I start going. That's not calories. I didn't feel it.

Hot dogs. I can fuck. I can fuck up hot dogs. Do you? I mean, we were at my beach house and I was eating hot dogs nonstop and you kept staring at me. And then I remember saying, I don't feel so good. I feel like I'm. And then I came back, I was like, I have diarrhea. And you're like, no shit, you know? How many times do you remember that?

You call it a night nitrous? You even sucking down nitrous Stickles the whole time. And it was like, hot dogs are bad for you. I was like just protein. And you're like, you're not protein, you're not protein bird.

Also, I think right after all your diarrhea, the next morning, you it radio, you brought back all these donuts. You're like, I've been eating these dude. I wish I could. I wish this is gonna sound bizarre.

I wish I had the self-control I do with alcohol, with food. I mean, if I had I would actually be skinny. If I had the same self-control with alcohol, would I do food? I can be easily not drink. I can easily not drink. I can have five beers and be fine.

That's like not drinking beers and I go to sleep. I'm fine. Bottle of wine. That's all I need. But food but food and I fuck it up.

I mean we are different. We have different weaknesses for food though. What's your I mean, I like you know, I like rich food. I like all by yourself. But what I feel like I'm fucked on is if I start eating sugar, sugar will fucking ruin my life.

I want to call Georgia right now. Georgia. Yeah. Made homemade chocolate chip cookies. Oh yeah. That's a that's a nightmare. She put them on the cooling rack to cool.

And I ate all of them cooling, and then I thought there was another there. There were so few, it was only like it was only like 15 or 12. And I was like and I was like, there's got to be another tray who makes 12. It's like, I guess I guess I need to make more cookies. And I went, what? She goes, Do you need me to make more cookies, use it all the cookies.

And I was like, This is all you made. All right, Tom.

I was eating them. I was eating them.

But I was doing like sexual shit, like it would go in my mouth and I go, Yeah, yeah.

I was like, just melt your mouth if it's ever hot cookie or hot brownies, a batch of hot brownies.

I wish I wish I could yell things out when you ate food like you were having an orgasm. You can really sure fuck it.

Fuck. Oh my fucking swallow this. Do it. Do it. Oh, by the way. OK, go ahead.

How are you enjoying. It's been only a few days. How are you enjoying the ride of bird smells bad and bird fucking dogs. I love it.

I love it. It's fun. I love it. I can't get enough. You know why. You know everything is so outrageous. Yeah.

People can have fun with it and it doesn't potentially ruin everything in your life.

Can I tell you that when I read people's thing I smell like shit. I smile and then I go, yeah, that's what I do. I smell like shit.

I actually has a great I didn't that one. Oh, that's fucking great. That's great.

I actually just took a pool made that Heather Heather took a pullback. That's real. But I felt cool taking a bow. And by the way, just to be fair, with all the winds, all the debris was still in the pool.

Fucking is insane.

Your allergies kick in when the winds kick up. Dude, check out. This was the first night. So there are people that don't know. I think there's all kinds of cool stuff that happens in.

Los Angeles all the time, like rains and fires and everything, but the wind, that's my sleeping two nights ago when the first night of the big wind.

Oh holy shit, I look at your straight white box that day, which was so hard. But look at your fucking straight look at the.

God damn it, your heart heartworms at once, you were peaking at one seventy five. Yeah, that's fucking awesome. Your average heart rate was one 140 for. It was, but I was exhausted, but you see, I saw you type in, do you type in, you use a strange coach for that now because it automatically it knows like it knows that that's boxing by the the.

I got to find that fucking picture. Where's Mãe. That's Honolulu. That's why is Maui. It's in I went I did that in Maui.

Shout out to spice bird cries rolling up to a dog park.

You see that and oh that is me fucking that dog.

Yeah. Crispus fucks dogs bird smells like the wet dogs he fucks in his pool. Changed my mind as Mr. Clavicles, um, engaged the new girlfriend.

Ten months. A dog. The bounty hunter. New dog.

The bounty hunter. Oh dog. Fucking well, that's really creative. And look, Robert Paul Champagne wrote nice work. Hey, shout out to that guy.

Have you seen his only fans debut?

No. OK, you're going to watch it a moment on. Look at that. That one's pretty good.

That's not bad at all. Now, you do look nude there. I do look nude with my brand new marijuana plants that harvested and I barely I've never smoked any of it, never smoked any of it. How come it was to I don't know if I did it right and I was afraid it would give me headaches. I really can't find that picture of me playing ukulele. This sock's. It is such a fucking you've got to find it, I'll find it, um, I'll find it tonight.

Can you play that for Bert the RBC? Yeah, yeah. Give me one second.

OK, this is. What I keep going oh, oh, real quick shout out this episode of Two Bears is brought to you by BMW. It's not a Porsche, but pretty fucking good.

The new five series is fantastic. Just a step below the seven series. Check it out at BMW, USA, Dotcom.

So, yeah. So PC, you know, the try it out guy. Obviously you remember him.

He joined only fans I love only.

Are you are you a member. Yeah, I'm a member.

Who do you follow. I don't know.

I don't know how to get to it. It sounds crazy but I can only get to it through Instagram. But I follow Christy Mack on only fans and who else.

But I just followed somebody. I just follow someone. Oh, I followed fucking our girl. Adriana check. OK, yeah.

She's famously has a supposedly a great read only fan. So do you. You subscribe to both.

Subscribe to both. Yeah. Good for you. Yeah. It's actually I think it's pretty cool. I bet. Yeah. You can show me some time. I don't, I don't know how to get to it. Yeah. I got to wait till Christy Mack posted in her stories. Wait why can't you just go to only fans.

I don't have the app. How do you mean.

I follow them on Instagram and then they'll say, hey, go to only fans and then and only fans has it has its own app again. I don't even know. Can't you wait. You know, can you just go to the website like only fans dotcom slash.

I think it's a let me see. Yeah. That's how only fans works. Right, Christine Mac.

Here we go. OK, OK, that's not. No impact of a social justice thing. OK. Um. Let's see, Adriana, then I fucked my dog. I love Adrian tactics definitely got hurt. Yeah, let's see.

Oh, she changed. Now she's on Fan Central, I don't. She left, she left only fans. Really? Yeah, she really is hot as shit.

Won't it be great if your wife was like, oh, you can fuck porn stars? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. That had to happen. Has that been brought up. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I said to Drew that if I was terminally ill, if I got discovered as terminally ill, that I would, I would probably just go and talk about your porn stars. He was like, why so. Well, I don't know, like a month to live because you could die tomorrow. Why don't you just fuck all the porn stars? And I was like, because I don't want, you know, my wife. And he was like, but it sounds like you both live when you would just want to spend it with your wife.

I was like, no, I want to fuck a bunch of porn stars. Right. Like, I got a month to live, Drew. And he's like, I don't get it. Yeah. You know how you can be a buzz kill with that kind of shit? Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, how come you can't just get me covid tests?

Yeah.

I'm such a bummer, such a bummer where he's like, well another good bistro's, enjoy your liver and you're like and he's like just, you know, try drinking water, enjoy yourself, you know, fucking guy.

So is this the announcement or is this one of his posts.

This is one of his posts. OK, it's pretty cool.

OK, let me fuck me and do crazy man and we can shoot it on and we can have some fun and give a charity man. Yeah. For charity man. Give to charity man. Fuck man. Using me for charity like that man is a charity man. Yeah.

Yeah it let me, let me know what's wrong with him.

I don't know, it's just his only it's funny. I know he definitely does one take. Yeah. He's not, he's not. He put the camera up. His record is like all right. And we're going live.

That's it. Well shoot him. I mean I'll shoot it. It gets it gets more hardcore.

He he goes hard for me because I come over.

Oh stop, stop. I don't know what the BBC is. Big black cock. Okay.

It's like Wagner has to see like twenty fourth and Fifth Avenue East Harlem.

It's a rape scene using abused me and degrade me and fucking degrade me. OK, I'll go ahead and let me so we can make this fucking shit happen motherfucker.

And you can subscribe to only fans dot com slash Robert Champagne gytis everything.

The grace working for sports or anything goes. Peerson drugs man smack in the ring. Good. Go ahead. We can make this shit happen.

How awesome is it to be him. Follow me along the path and follow me all the jerking off. Yeah. Oh yeah. Robert by chance payments. Yeah. Probably only ad try and follow me.

Only fans were saying that he reads better and knew only only the cheese.

One four oh oh oh.

OK the cheese. Yeah. Yeah. Give me one second. All right. Just so. Yeah it's pretty cool right. You could be. Isn't that crazy. Like what if they said you know what, touring never resumes, you never get to do stand up again. Would you, would you do like an only fans or something. Touring, you never tour again, you can never do it again. No, I tried, so I try to just make television, I think.

Like what?

Like a sitcom or I don't know if I go here. Why? Because I think that here's the problem is there's a there's a there's a peak. Like once they've seen you fart once, they're not gonna want to see you fuck all the time.

You've got to be good at fucking and I'm not good at fucking. Yeah, that's good logic actually. Yeah.

Like I like, like Adrian Chadwick is really good at fucking shows. Christy Mack. They're really great, they're hot and they're all the things are great about them. Right. So I could watch them over and over again.

Yeah. Owen Gray.

Owen Gray is amazing at fucking people. Right. So you want to see it man. So I don't mind watching him fuck other people. Right. But I think if you saw me on person you'd be like, I know I got the picture. Do you see your boy?

Oh, baby. Or you want to come here when it comes to our country. Why is Dick at a frame? Oh, it's on purpose. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

And then look. No, I know where I knew it. I didn't need to see it. I knew it. There's one place he was putting it and it wasn't in the trash can.

Who it's their own. Come I have such issues with come.

I think I could not ever eat my own cum. Really. A hundred percent. I could eat my cum. Can you try.

No. Nope, nope.

I wouldn't even kiss Leandra's. You suck my dick. Really. No way. I'm like on the cheek grandma.

You're not getting fucking smacker.

Fucking get out of my face. No way. You would never eat somebody else's cum.

Probably never you know, and definitely never eat somebody else's gum.

I would never never I, I can't believe that like. How freeing, though, is very freeing, if that's what you want there, if you know what that's like, that's like liking sardines, that is. Yeah, like we're never going to run a sardines. You're always going to find sardines. Yeah, right. Like and if you loved sardines, if you love sardines and you're like sardines are cheap, right. Yeah. Fuck me. Show me come on me.

All that shit shit on me degrade me. Yeah. I want to be a rape fantasy like all that shit.

And he wants to donate to charity and don't donate that money to charity. Yeah. So this is really just for fun. And if you like that I'm sure there are plenty of dudes that are down.

I'll come over to fuck you in the ass and then shit on you and leave like isn't that crazy to be that guy. Who's that guy who was like yeah, definitely. I come over there and beat the fuck out of you. Yeah. Fuck you.

Oh you want me to mock rape you then shit and piss on you. Slap me, beat the fuck you and leave. OK, I'll do that. There's not enough time for Sunday to hear then.

He's like dude like I'm ready to go. Yeah.

You know there's some guys, it's like it's not totally my thing. I'll try it though. Yeah. Try it out. Yeah. Try it out. Yeah.

Like that is insane.

That, that is that, that, I mean like I would love to figure out what happened to him to get him there.

Yeah. There's probably some not good stuff.

I've been breaking down a lot of what's wrong with me of like, like I never really partied. I never really partied. I remember partying a little bit in high school and the beginning of college. I didn't really party until I went to Russia and came back and someone said, you didn't really drink in college.

And I said I was really my dad instilled in me, do not break the law. Do not break the law like. Don't have a fake I.D., don't drink and drive, do not have drugs on you. So, look, I was actually scared of that. Like, I'm scared to go to a party and have a beer. And because I was always my dad would tell me undercover cops come up and go and they will take you to jail.

You do not want to go to jail.

Trust me. And so I was like I was terrified. I didn't really start drinking when I when I was 21, I remember I'd buy a case of Michelob Ultra ah lights and I'd drink a Michelob light it and I'd be like, I feel comfortable. Yeah. Like it's a reason.

I never really I never really enjoyed.

This is going to sound fucking insane I.

If I fucked a chick, I didn't want her to be in bed with me because if I if I didn't love her because I was like, I don't why this is fucking phony. Really? Yeah. And I had a hard time fucking chicks and coming in them, if I wasn't ready to commit for the rest of my life, like if I blew a load in a chick, I would be crazy thinking she's going to get married.

I don't love her. And I must spend the rest of my life with this chick and I don't love her is the greatest feeling. When I met LeAnn and I was like I was like, I want to marry this chick. And I was just blowing loads like like, oh yeah, make a fucking baby. Like, it was such a great feeling to go like if she gets pregnant. I am so fucking cool with that. I was terrified of having kids.

The first time I lost my virginity, I lost. I thought I got pregnant. I was like I got, I definitely got pregnant. Oh, that's the worst feeling. And it was like, I'm 17. I'm not ready to have a fucking kid. I remember kept saying, I'm not ready to grow up.

Why are you grow doing grow up grown up shit when you're not ready to grow up?

I fucking when I was 17, I thought I got a girl pregnant. It was the worst dude who was so fucking bad.

It was so bad. And I did everything. I wore a condom. I tried to. I mean it caught me off guard.

What did you plant like. Did you go like well I'm going to fucking tie her up, throw her on a fucking river, like I'm going to shove it down the stairs, beat her with a hammer. Would you think you can handle it?

I was not getting the word out like that right now. Now. No, I was. Man, it was such a it really that period fucked me up so much that like. So I lost by the way, I heard the story, I lost my virginity really horribly like it was not good, wasn't a good story, really.

Oh, forget it'll jog your memory really quick.

Yeah, just give me the I get her totally naked. Right. She is totally naked on the bed. Right. My my my buddy's chick. I'm Jeff Hartley. Same guy, his girlfriend's dad's house. Her dad had his own little crash pad and we're at that place. We're watching pet cemetery drink and natty lights. Right. Take her back to the bedroom. I know it's going to happen. I have condom. Geoff has a condom. Have you guys seen each other for a while or.

No, yeah.

Yeah, we were dating and get her naked. Don't even take off my jacket. Don't take my hat off. Don't take my shoes off. Drop my pants to my knees. Get down to the corner of the bed. And this is where your memory is going to go. Oh, I remember hearing the story I go to I go to put the condom on. I never put a condom on. So I unroll it all the way thinking I put it on like my mom rolls my socks up.

I'm going to unroll it. I like a song.

So as I push down it inflates because there's air cotton there and I'm like, wait, this doesn't seem right. So I'm trying to squeeze the air out of it, like pushing it. And you hearing like I'm like trying to squeeze air out of it.

Like I'm making a fucking balloon animals on the corner of the bed. I'm like, this isn't fucking working now. I'm panicking because the clock is running.

She's naked. It's cold. It's the middle of it's like it's like winter.

But so I'm like I'm like, all right. So I go run out. I go back out to Harley, I go, yo, give me another economies like you're done already. I was like a long story. I come in other countries.

I put it on. I take it. Open it up. She's still there, and that's when I start going like, oh, pinch reservoir tip. Oh yeah. Yeah that's for er that's so you don't have er got there. Hmm. Oh that makes sense. And then I go as I rolled over I go. That felt really good. Like just putting it on. I was like Pearl get on top of her one.

Pull back and I'm done, huh? She looks at me and says, are you going to put it in?

I look down, my dick is between her butt cheek and the bed, I didn't even fuck her. I just fucking blew a load, just her.

I didn't even meet her there, technically. Did you try to go for round two? I went around to.

Yeah, with a compromised condom. What did I wear out? We have two condoms, don't we. Wait. So the jizz is already is. Yeah.

It's like saying, hey, Tom, do you want to go for a hike? And you're like, sure and go come here real quick. Let me just jump in this puddle with our boots and get them all sloppy and then let's go for a hike. And then the whole like you're like this is really uncomfortable.

I wish I wasn't doing this at all. Do I don't want to do this at all. I think I'm going to be a dad. This can't be good.

It was so bad if I have this on my phone all that it was so bad. And then I was like, I definitely got AIDS. I got I got I've got her pregnant.

I'm going to be a dad. I'm 17. Fucking baseball is coming up. It was a nightmare, man.

That is using a keeping the condom on. Sounds real crazy. It was so bad.

It was so bad that I was just like I was and I was like I, I it was all there's everything all over the place.

And by the way, I came again. Yeah. Pretty quick also.

Yeah. At that age you can really do that. Yeah. And it was, it was dude it was like terrifying. I sent you something and then I started having panic attacks like panic attacks going like, like laying in bed going I'm not ready to be a fucking dad. Like I do not want to be a dad.

I want to go to college. I'm going if I want to go to Florida State.

And then I after that, I never had sex again until I got to college. Really? Yeah. Like, I was like, I'm not ready for it.

I literally said to myself, pretty grown up of you, I would think, like you should have seen the spiral I was in really was pretty bad time. I went to church every single fucking day like it was. Yeah, we had a church in our school to go, going to say prayers and go, please, God, just don't let me have a kid. Oh, I will not.

I remember when I thought that girl was pregnant. I was praying to and I was like, please God, destroy this woman. Like let something bad happen to her.

So we start with this. Check this out, dude. How crazy is this? What's that? That's a condom. Oh, come on and look, it's a slingshot. It's a slingshot.

That's not good. And you know that by having kids. Oh, crazy. And what interests you is not what interests me. That's why we're such a great pair. God damn it, I'm not going to forget that miserable.

I know I've been in my phone for a while.

I remember the first time I got a blowjob. It was freshman year.

Do you think you remember, like, the anticipation of a blowjob and you're like, let's tell our story. I remember, like, being like, oh, my God, a blowjob just must be, you know, it's going to be so intensely amazing. And then the first one I got, I was like, all right. Like, it feels like someone just going like. Like, I'm like, I think it's in your mouth. So when does it start to feel good?

And it just felt like. You know, somebody who didn't know how to give one, oh, yeah, so I was like, this isn't that great?

Like it was actually a really disappointing not for me, feeling really was good.

I've actually only had checks. I've never been able to check up on those six checks, but I've never really checked. It has not started good at all.

OK, I've had Champs the first but first one up, first blowjob. I got way. How old were you. 18 years old. Florida State Sally Hall, room 111. In my bunk beds we had like the loft beds. Yeah. And so her head kept hitting the ceiling panels. Yeah. I should go up to you a little, just a little space in there. And I remember thinking I'm going to get asbestos from this bitch.

And then I, I thought, she's not blowing like I remember thinking that you because I'd never you understand that back then you just didn't see videos of this. You didn't see videos of blowjobs.

Oh, I never I, I saw a couple porn's growing up like a couple. Yeah. Like you'd see like a picture of it but you didn't see like there were porn's weren't. I saw poorness couple beers housekeep his name in. I saw porn at like I and that was it really. That's all porn I remember ever watching and and then and so I thought a blowjob was when they blew on your dick.

I remember thinking, I wonder if there was like, you know, when you get when you stay at home and you're like, I wonder if I could what if I took the vacuum? I wonder if that would do a blow job does. Yeah. And and then she started sucking on it and I went, oh, I'll take your way. I don't need you to blow on it. And I came so fast and I remember saying to her, that was amazing.

And she goes, Yeah, I get that a lot.

And I went, Oh OK. Yeah, well really didn't need to hear that.

Now I remember thinking that like. Yeah, like. It disappointed the first time then being like, yeah, it's good, obviously, and it gets the job done, but then being amazed when you find like a real soldier.

Oh yeah. Tell me that story. Oh, that was I think I have told you that story. Yeah, I know it.

Where it's always used to think every time where it's been bananas, it's like you don't anticipate that it's going to be like that, you know. So like this person was very it was unsuspecting that she was you know, we were messing around and then I realized it's going to happen. So, of course, you're like, oh, great. And it's a new person you're doing it with.

And she goes down and then all of a sudden she was just like like and I was like, and we got a game. Or everybody was like, yeah.

And then she went, oh, I just watched all the different moments in life where people stop the look when you get someone who really knows how to suck a dick. I remember there was one chick where I was like, oh, this girl is fucking good. That's that moment where you see the scout put the put the speed going to go ninety eight to ninety eight miles per hour. Yeah. It's a fucking moment.

The realization that it's happening like when, when, when she starts to, to like and she's like like spin on. You're like you look up, you're like thank you so much.

She's like you're not there yet. Oh is what. That's what I find.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

And she's like not my again till you're like I want to meet whoever taught you to do that and shake his hand because you didn't just figure this out today. Well you can I tell you Jim Florentine told me a story goes he goes yeah I used to we were talking about Austin or some city and he goes he goes, you know, I used to bang this chick in Austin and he goes, and she was horrible in bed, fucking horrible.

And and then I came back the next time and she goes, you know, I got to tell you this, but I fucked another comedian because who did you fuck?

She goes. He goes, oh, OK, I'm fine, that's fine. And he goes, we had sex, she was so much better. He goes and I was like, I was fucked. My wife. I want to see what kind of game he brings into the sack because, oh, we're going to change things up. There's nothing better than someone that can be honest with you.

Yeah. And go, hey, what you're doing is wrong. And let me show you what you're supposed to be doing. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, if you could go back, imagine if you could go back, like, to the first few times you had sex and then a woman 10, 15 years older was like, show me show you a couple of things and it would just blow your mind.

And then you would be that, you know, you'd be the person at that age who knew what they were doing. It would be a dream, right?

Like I didn't know how to go down on Lee-Anne four until we had Eila.

Really? Yeah. Like, I. I read one thing. In a playboy, I'm seeing a lot of names right now. Yeah, yeah. And do you want to go and cut the name that you mentioned, taught that lady how to fuck or no.

You know, the one that Jim was like, we call him and find out, uh, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, cancel it. Kind of his name. Cut out his name. I thought, OK. Oh, yeah.

Um, the uh, is nothing but a compliment. He does fuck.

Well it's a compliment but I would just ask it's on my podcast with Jim Florentine if you want to hear the.

Oh OK. Sorry. No, no, no. I mean but anyway what are we talking about.

You said that you fucked this guy. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.

So so I read one thing about how to go down on a chair. Oh, that's right. You said you didn't know how one time.

And then I did that my whole career like I was about 15 when I read it. I did it until I was 30. What was your technique? It was go down on the chick, suck in her clit, in your mouth, and just hit it with your tongue the whole time, just like like you're like imagine if you're trying to pull something out of a hole, you just hit it with your tongue just like.

Yeah.

And so that was my move. And Leon didn't like it. And by the way, I thought all women liked everything the same. Right. If it worked on one chick that was the cheat code, it worked on all chicks. And so then and so end just didn't love oral sex.

It wasn't like her thing. And I, I was like in my head, I'm like, I'm really fucking good at this. Yeah. But she didn't like it. I was like, whatever, you know, she's got weird sexual things.

Yeah. So one day I'm watching Cathouse, that show in Vegas and yeah. This girl, one of the girls is teaching a guy how to eat pussy. And I'm like like she's doing a totally fucking wrong.

It's like this. She's not saying like she's like, well you got to do is like star generals got to build, it's got to like you can't just go down and start going at it. And I was like, bullshit. It's like a buffet. You hit it hard, you fucking hit it again. You keep going back to sick.

And she was like she was like, hit it, work the outside, build to it and then get to it. Gentle, gentle, like kind of chaotic looking. And I was like clicking. And then I thought, this is silly. I'm going to try this tonight and just here and go, what the fuck are you doing? And that night it was actually during the day. It was during the day. The next day I go down on the end and and she just goes, What?

What are you doing? And I was like, Huh?

And now I'm like going like trying to remember all the shit. She said, Gentil chaos fucking like a hurricane, but not too hard at the moment.

And then build it. And I start doing the things that she had said. Nothing. And Liane, I remember she had an orgasm and she went, oh fuck.

And I went, what? Like I never heard the curse even I'm like, why? She goes, what the fuck was that?

And I was like, I don't know. Can we call her? Yeah, let's go. She's going to be a Girl Scout meeting or something.

Hello. Hey, what are you doing? Cleaning the house. What are you doing? Good. The Hey, I'm doing two bears, one, Tom. We're talking about we're talking about the fur you by yourself. Don't put me on speaker. You're on my watch. I can't find my phone. I definitely know, are you with the girls? No. OK, do you remember the first time I learned how to go go down on, you know, the first time you learned how to go down?

Do you remember how I had. Do you remember when I said, I don't know the right way to say this, but do you remember when it started working?

Yeah. Because you watch some videos or something. Yeah, I was telling Tom about that.

Yeah. You were a smart man. You educate yourself.

Nice. All right. What was what did you how would you how would you what would you reference to my previous abilities? What was my previous abilities like? Fair, and she married me to marry you, all right. She married fair. All right. I love you. I love you, too. All right. Bye. Now, that woman can suck a dick.

She is a fuck, and she will never do it anymore. Why patriarchy?

What patriarchy. For real. For real.

She's done with it. Not all subjects. Patriarchy.

But you're her husband, is she? She'll do it every now and then. It'll be like a treat, like a real surprise. Something in the fucking metoo movement just killed the blowjob.

Really, dude, she started like listening to Alyssa Milano and all these women talk about shit. And then all of a sudden she's like, yeah, well, fuck we sucking dicks for like. And I was like, hold on one second. I was like, what are you talking about?

She was like, it's bullshit, but it's it's a partner showing affection. And I don't know if fucking so if you're like, how about she's like now she's like, yeah, no thanks.

And I'm like she's like I don't do that shit anymore but she'll do it like she's done it probably maybe twice.

Since she's done it twice since and she doesn't like the way like I like one time she's doing it and I have my hands like this, and it really bothered her like I was I was laying on the bed, but I was doing this and she was like, you're not Superman, take your fucking hands. And so then and then one time she called me. My hands were like this. She goes, The fuck you do with your hands? I don't know.

She just stopped doing it. She like she will not I cannot get her to do.

Do you do that? Had you ever do one of those. I've tried.

I've tried. I've tried. It all means I love it. She was a champ, I mean, and used to get it more regularly.

I used to get it all the time and back in the day. And I think she just looks at it like I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why. But maybe it's also I mean, you guys been together a long time, right?

She just kind of like, you know, we've been together, I think eighteen years. And I've maybe I don't know if I still I love going down on her like I like it more than I like having sex, to be honest with you. Wow. Like I like having sex. It's great. It's awesome. It feels great.

But there's something about that's true. Easier. Happier makes me happy. Yeah. She doesn't have the same feelings. I think she feels like she makes me happy on so many different levels. Yes. That this one I can suck my own dick on.

Yeah. Interesting. Why do you still get blowjobs.

Yeah but not like, like how many times a year.

I don't know. I mean, more than a couple, but not yeah, not tons, yeah, but I think it's I think you your analysis of why makes sense like her. Feeling like I take care of, you know, and then she's, you know, being like, I'll withhold something from you. How did you fucking delete your text?

Oh, I took and I took a sleeping pill last night. Yeah. I didn't want to eat dinner, and then I ate dinner anyway.

Well, is that about McDonald's or is that McDonald's suppertime? No, I eat McDonald's and then I ate. That was yesterday. Chicken pizza. Yeah, this is yesterday. McDonald's. Then chicken pizza. Yeah. And so then I go to my house. We watch it was that four cheeseburgers, the Big Mac, large fry Diet Coke and then a chicken pizza and then a chicken pizza like the whole fucking the pizza is like this thick.

I felt like shit.

And so I by the way, I took, I took the Ambien, Xanax, Ambien, whatever the fuck it was, I took it before. I took it before dinner so that I would go to sleep before dinner, OK, but because I had so much McDonald's, it didn't dissolve in my stomach.

Yeah, like, you need to you need to take those things on an empty stomach for them to kick in hard. So I didn't take anything, so I didn't have an empty stomach. So it didn't kick in. So I just fucking kept eating. And then and then we watched Twilight and then I fucking when I finally get in bed and I get and I was listening to eighty five s I remember our song. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know those guys. I do like they do live big live events and I think it's fucking a whole.

I love their podcast. Yeah. I'm obsessed with it. And I'm telling you when you go to Atlanta next I want you to be on it. I want to be on it like it's a fun. They smoke then. Weed Killer Mike's an amazing episode they just had this cop on. That was a really, really, really great episode. Like really great, like learning back and forth episode between them in this blackout. And but the one they have with Chico Beam is I mean, I'm crying.

Laughing. So last night I'm I'm on a fuckin Ambien. I put the phone on the thing and I just fall asleep listening to him just kind of giggling.

And then I wake up and I get I know that in the middle of the night, I was trying to turn off my phone. But you know how you're like kind of in and out of it. Yeah, and I. I guess I just was like pushing buttons going like, come on, like my eyes weren't working and I was like, come on. And I don't want to wake up too much because I want to go back to sleep.

Right. You know you know that feeling when you're on a rock and you're like, let's not get to wake up with one eye open.

Yeah. All right, Max. Yeah. I don't want to get up totally. So I go to sleep, I turn my phone off, but it's still staying white. Like I hit the button. I'm like, whatever. I wake up and all I have is a text from our group, our chat thread and Whitney. That's it. Everything's gone. Everything's fucking gone. Everything. And I'm like, you did that.

I had to do it in the middle of the night because I woke up a couple of times. I woke up a couple of times and I and I know that I got my phone because sometimes I'll get my phone and be like, I'm just going to listen to a little podcast to go back to sleep.

Or I deleted all my fucking texts. And then I and then I didn't have anyone's number. I couldn't text anyone because sometimes you'll have them in your chat thread or you'll have your group chat group chat. Don't come up once you delete all your texts. Oh, they don't know if you delete all your text or your group chats go away.

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. And so I fucking spent the whole day texting people going can you send me a group chat to this semi group chat this. And so yeah I woke up, I was so fucking panicked because I use that to find numbers for people. Yeah. Like I'll type in a tray and then find tray through that. Yeah. Yeah.

But this episode of Two Bears also brought to you by steak, not chicken, not pork. Steak is delicious. You can grill it, you can bake it, you can throw it on a pan, you can eat it however you want, make sure you season it and let the steak rest after you're done cooking it as they all say. Thanks, steak, steak.

Make sure you use forks and knives. This podcast is also brought to you by forks and knives. They go good with steaks.

So what's this commercial you wanted to play? I haven't seen. I don't know. So this is another fucking patriarchy fight Liam I got into. Yeah, let's see it. I just. OK, for whatever reason, I found this the music. And by the way, I have to say this before this starts, I thought I think this is a great company. Yeah. And LeAnn made me is making me because I don't know anything about this.

I'll tell you everything you need to know about the fight Lee-Anne and I had. OK, but this commercial made me laugh so hard. Let me see.

I found a birth control with no hormones, no no hormones, not an ounce with ten ingredients, I can pronounce 99 percent effective. I know. Unprotected birth control that works differently. Finally, a day after their guard is a 100 percent hormone free IUD that prevents pregnancy for up to ten years, using one simple active ingredient copper instead of hormones. Don't use if you have a pelvic infection, certain cancers, papyrology, Wilson's disease or pethidine. If you miss a period, have abdominal pain or it comes out.

Tell your health care provider Pergament has to go through the uterus.

Pregnancy is rare, but can be life threatening and cause infertility or loss of pregnancy.

At first periods may become heavier and spotting in between HIV or Estherville against birth control. So you keep coming up, just before I ask your health care provider, Perigord is right for you. Yeah, we definitely don't laugh at the same thing. So tell me what happened for you there.

I was crying. I was crying, laughing. I was just as hard as I was just laughing because I it's ridiculous.

I mean, it feels like it's like they're trying to teach third graders about birth control. Yeah. To talk like to sing so directly after the birth control doesn't make me feel sick or anything.

And finally with an ingredient then I could pronounce. Yeah. Well the music got me so like the music caught me like shout out to the guy that wrote that commercial. You got real fucking talent bro person. I don't know if it's a guy or a girl. There you go. There we go. I'm learning you got fucking talent person because that commercial got me possibly Arab possibly.

Anyway, I probably not. I'm guessing. I don't think I don't I don't think religion wise, you can't write commercials about birth control.

That's not a religion to be Arab is just a regional bingo.

So luckily I smell like shit, so. Oh, so the music's awesome. I love the music. The fucking actress is awesome.

She's actually very enthusiastic, pretty energetic, energetic, like high school music, energy. Like she got me the play. I'm going to break it down. Why I start laughing. OK, so start the commercial over. This is I could not stop laughing.

I'm with the girls at first and OK, I see this girl in the yoga mat and I think cool fine. But what's she looking at. I know she's looking at. OK, I'll tell you. Want to stop. Go ahead.

Control with no hormones, no hormones, not an ounce within ingredients I can pronounce.

OK, stop right there. That's what it got me. That's when I, when I look, you know, just when she goes with an ingredient I can pronounce. Yeah. And then I'm thinking, wait. And that's when I start listening to what this is and I'm like wait. And I'm like what. What's the hormone. I know the name's Perigord. So I'm when I'm watching this, I'm thinking, no, it's got to be like a a pussy shield, right.

Like a like oh to guard to Perigord. It's like a pussy shield. It's got to be like because I know they stop making the the sponge and I go pussy sponge. I go yeah I go this is a sponge. I use those once. Yeah. And so I was like oh cool. They came out with the sponge. I'll keep playing. OK I.

Ninety nine percent effective. I know. Unprotected birth control that works differently. Finally A.R.T. Article 104. OK, right there. Stop. That's what I go.

Oh shit. It's an IUD, right. And now I'm like, oh my God, this is an eighty. And she's holding it. She's holding it. She's squeezing it.

And it's made out of iron I think. A copper. Copper. Yeah.

And so she's and that's when I realize this is simply a commercial to let you know that you can blow loads in her like she's singing about.

You can blow loads and me. Yeah.

Because and so I start like they can't say that. They can't say that. They can't say what they mean. Yeah. So that's when I realized this is so you can blow loads in me and I start laughing hysterically going this is a commercial saying hey guys, hey if you want people to come in you, this is how you can do it safe and you can have people coming. You right. So now I'm now I'm paying attention to the commercial.

So keep playing. Right.

So these are all the if now I'm ready to ten years using words when I start dying instead of hormones use. If you have a public infection, certain cancers, she picks out a rose. Pause, pause.

She has it to him. Goes You come in me. Yeah. I'm falling apart because of the look on his face when she says you could come and me go kick back play if you mean. Yeah, yeah. I could come at her.

Yeah. I wouldn't mind coming in here at all. He's definitely like a lovely guy.

Come with me. And then she's, she's walking away like everyone comes to me. That's why I can now I can let everyone come and me because I've got Perigord. So maybe you'll come to me to keep playing. I'm laughing hysterically. It comes off tell you. Oh shit. What if I'm fucking pregnant? I'm not pregnant. I got Perigord baby. I'm fucking crying. Laughing on my couch going they had a fucking stroller. Look, it's like those old erectile dysfunction commercials where they had all the old men on the boat with rods.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're fucking dogs in it because you can blow loads into another fucking happens. I'm fucking crying. Laughing My daughter's going what the fuck is wrong with dad is good. This is what kills me. OK, go, go, go. The last line of the commercials.

Beautiful writing hit play at first periods maybe come heroines like fuck.

Yeah. Let's go to the tide against HIV. Oh those terms. This is my favorite line. I get everything I need in the birth control. So how do you keep living. Just stop it.

So I could keep my life just like, like I've been letting dudes blow loads to me for a long time, but I was always concerned. Now I'm not. Yeah. Everyone. So I am trying. Fucking like, really fucking again, I hear. Yeah, and so and we've been talking about coming in each other so much are like, you know, coming and coming at us, getting covered in, you know, how it's been like a topic on this show about prison.

Yeah. Getting Kamden. Yeah. Came down.

Yeah. I got come then someone came and me.

OK, set the scene. You just got out of prison, they fucked you in the ass and they came your ass and now you have to tell me someone came to you and all these guys came in me last came in someone. That's right. OK.

And so I was sitting here going like someone come to me and you're like, you can say that, try saying it, say, oh, rough night.

What happened? 10 dudes come to me.

That definitely sounds dumb, but I had Perigord and I could live life like it did before. So I'm fucking crying.

Laughing And LeAnn is not laughing at all. She's not laughing at all. And she's like, I don't find it, it's funny.

And I go, they need to put the line in there so it can blow. Load's inside me. And she goes, Yeah, that's funny to you because you've never taken responsibility for for person a load for bus load.

Like what do you mean excuse. Yeah. You've never done shit. I've had to do. This is you know this is women. Yeah. All women have to take care of themselves because you don't do fucking shit, men don't do anything. And this turns into a very real conversation.

Sounds like it also sounds like she might have a little thing that pops up that goes definitely don't blow him soon.

Yeah. She goes. And then I started going, yeah, I've never really that's never been on my radar.

Like ever, yeah, ever, ever have I ever taken responsibility for blowing loads and chicks, I'm like, Are you on the pill? Yeah. Do you have the NuvaRing? Do you have a sponge? What's that thing where you shove it up in there? Yeah, I don't even know how it works like that little that little. Most men are like this, most men. And so she said no, yeah. They have to put this commercial because women can sometimes get sick and they get it gets caught in your uterus, you get caught in the wall of your uterine line like this is like and they're putting poison in there's blood clotting and like all these things and I feel like, oh, you're making the commercial not fun anymore.

Yeah. She was like, well, no, that's the whole point of the commercial, is that this is for women. And basically it should have said dudes are fucking so irresponsible, they'll come inside us and they don't even care. And I was like, oh, wow.

Yeah. And so then all of a sudden I'm like, it's a song I can get behind to.

Yeah. In a way I will. I'm not even joking. Yeah. I shout out to Perigord. Yeah. It's very cool that you have this product you your commercials. Amazing. It caught my eyes are bringing it up on my podcast that you don't need to pay us for this. But I swear to God please. Now that I am socially conscious about the responsibility in the role men's play in blowing loads in women, I would like to write your next commercial and I would like to direct it and I would like to cast it and I would like to be involved to help Perigord.

I think we could really raise awareness to this product and it would be a project I would absolutely love. I love coming in my wife.

Right. I think they might have been considering your pitch until up until that line.

Yeah, but like how like what would you do if you do in the commercial. OK, I've been thinking about this. Yeah.

Kind girl on a beach. Right. And because you've got to you've got to like you've got to like explain why paragraph is like. Yeah. So anger on the beach and there was no sex and he's like and then start fooling around and she's like do you have protection. And he's like no don't you, aren't you one like the pill or something. And then she goes no. And then they have like a socially conscious conversation about how men never take responsibility.

And then he pulls out a Perigord and he goes like this inside of you.

I don't even know how it's. Do you have to WTI up there?

Does Doctor put it in? Wait, that should be in the commercial, that should be in the commercial, just shove this one. Shove this in you.

Yep. Yeah. Walk around with their guards and have a bunch. I got samples.

My uncle's a doctor and someone walks by because you won't want to tell the lady.

I leave seats at movie theaters.

Some old lady, her dogs like a year old bag. You like to fuck still he throws one in her. That's great. Oh, I like your commercial.

I don't know how Perigord works. How does a UTI work?

Oh, that's the wrong word. Right.

Let's call Whitney. Yeah, I think Whitney is how YouTube works.

Well, she would probably be like, yeah, you guys drink cranberry juice and.

Oh, fuck, that made me laugh. Ask her the way you ask. How does that work? OK. Hey. I wonder if she speaks pert enough to know that I don't mean yeah, what I mean, yeah.

Oh, what are they called? When I was called IUD, I thought that's what they put on idee. An IED is not the thing that blows up trucks, it's DUI. Oh, oh, hey, what's up at the tone, please?

Hey, real quick, if you made it this long with us, if you made it through this episode, oh, we have yet to begin. Oh, that's see, it's all about reward.

So about reward. So you have the opportunity if you are sticking with us, whether you're watching or listening. The moment this comes out, the hats are in. They are here. They're going we decided to hold them until today, Monday, the day this episode comes out. I say we put them in the store today, maybe a couple hours from now. Right. What do you think like that right now? It's Monday when people are watching this show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want you don't. Yeah. You don't want to the you want to reward the people that listen to this far. Yeah. That first day. So, so that's what I'm saying. So this comes out at noon. Right. So and it's going to be about uh it's a little bit like. Yeah. So what do you think.

Two p.m. that means like shortly after if you wait times it's come out noon and it would be about oh no, you've got to give up.

Go until four four pm four. Yeah. Yeah because yeah. Because I listen to a podcast pretty quickly but so I settled settled four p.m. Pacific.

It's going to be in the store. If you want those hats, they're going to go for sure.

There's a limit to the question. This is why. Because I use that community number that you do, not you? Oh, boy. Yeah, but I use it.

I only use it to benefit people who signed up for it so that, like, I only use it to when I release tickets for a show or like when I. When I released my flip flops that sold out in eight minutes. Yeah, like I do, it's for that so that I go, hey, thanks for, like, sticking around and being a fan. These are the that's the benefit of this number is I'm just going to release it.

You should, because I use my number a lot. Yeah. You should post what, the second that's come out. Yeah. What we decide to release that for. You should post it on your community. No. OK. And say, hey guys, special treats for me. I just post a picture of a hat and a link.

OK, just a picture of a hat and a link because anyone who doesn't know what it is like, you may have people that are fans that don't listen to podcast. Yeah, just a hat in the link. OK, and what's your community phone number, do you remember.

OK, now three, two, three, two, 08, 08 forfour for real.

Yeah that's mine. You remember that. Oh yeah. I like that number. I think it's a fucking badass app.

So how often do you use it. I use it. I just use it the other day to release the flip flop line and I'll use it again when I open tickets up for the tour.

The tour by the way, I have added dates in Phoenix, in San Antonio, in Birmingham on this run, on this run in San Antonio, Birmingham. I've got another show in North Carolina at the Comedy Zone, wherever that is. I'm in at least club in Des Moines, Iowa, another club in Oklahoma City, Bricktown Comedy Club. So we're going to be doing Vegas. We're doing Salt Lake City. We're doing work that shows the entire three weeks we're gone.

Are you going for three weeks? Three weeks, going shows every single day. Are you hitting clubs? Yeah. Go to Barbara Betacam. I'm doing clubs 50 percent capacity. So that's why I say that. That's why this number is valuable. Valuable my opinion, because I want people that want to be there, you know, like like really not just like posted on the website. You're going to fly out. No, they're not flying. No.

Oh, you're getting picked up. Picked up random picking us up in. Do you get do you hit clubs on the way east.

First Club, June 29 or June 19th and in Stand Up live in Phoenix and then the next night in San Antonio. OK, that makes sense. And then here, let me I'll pull it up real quick.

My community phone number is eight one eight two seven five five five to six eight one eight two seven five five five to six.

So I am doing. You ready for this. Yeah. June 21st in San Antonio after Phoenix, Birmingham, June twenty third Charlotte. We're doing a drive in movie theater, June 25th in Greenville, North Carolina, the comedy zone, Indianapolis, two shows at a drive in movie theater. June 26th, June 27th. Des Moines, Iowa. Charlotte, Aleesha, I will see you guys soon due to Tulsa, Oklahoma, one show at a drive in movie theater.

Twenty ninth Oklahoma City. I'm off the thirtieth, the first in Fort Collins, two shows at a drive in movie theater, Salt Lake City. A wise guys on the second of July. OK, great man. Yeah, I'm super excited to get back on the road and it's all socially distant, half capacity at the clubs and it's driving me. I'm like, I want to go back.

I haven't. I have things right now. I have stuff in late August I think. Would you go to the store if they open the store right now?

Fuck, yes. Really? Yes. Would you see, I'm kind of curious how we talked about this last week, and I know I got a lot of people hit me up like going, yeah, I'm really concerned, too. I'm kind of curious to see if the second wave comes after all these protests.

Yeah, I thought about it, too, because they're saying they just open today or whatever day you're watching for us. They just open movie theaters. Yeah, gyms. But we haven't seen a decline in new infections.

But I don't know. Sounds like the disease is still out there. It's definitely still out there. Definitely still out there. The thing to monitor, though, is ICU. You know, uh, what's it called? Um, people being admitted, the ICU. Yeah, Perigord. Like when that number spikes, that means people are getting really sick with the disease, you know. Really? Yeah. That's one of the things we looked for was the like the initial after it when things went crazy, they were kind of there monitoring new infections, of course, of monitoring deaths.

But they're monitoring how much the hospitals are being overwhelmed by people with with covid.

That's crazy. We had to wrap this up. We got to get. Let's go. Thank you so much. Thanks to our sponsor. We have BMW, BMW, steaks, forks, knives. And, um, what was the other one at?

Said, God damn it, well. Blowing loads in your wife.

Bungalow's your wife, a, I know we've talked a lot and made a lot of jokes about blowing you and your wife, but this episode is brought to you by Blowing Logia and your wife and also UTIs and UTIs, IEDs, IEDs, IEDs, PED's, CWI, CWI, you guys all LP's?

Yeah. Geez. Oh, geez. Oh, geez. And species and OMG and OMG. Thanks so much for listening.

For watching. And I love you. I love you too. Bye bye. Tom No one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in Bergstein Machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean ears because there's a. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what I recall. So there's one case.