Let's start to show you this, this is very, very, very, very hot and looking good, looking good. He's burned Krischer and just put the pedal to the metal. There's a perfect way to start off the show, about 12 years in the making. It's going to be a fucking shit show. Not everyone is going to going to get a hundred percent.

There's definitely a thing a lot of people don't understand that Sikhs aren't Arab. And that's like it's a typical itnow. Here's the thing.

It's it's it's disrespectful. Do you think of these in the shower?

No, I just didn't like the moment before I see them in response to what you've said, dude. There was there was a there was a time in life where, you know, you ever learn one thing about a culture and then that's your go to for everything.

Of course, I learned about what a Sikh Indian was, and it was just it was the only thing I knew that was Indian. Oh. And so everyone I ever met are like, are you sick? And they're like, you just learned about 16. You know, I was like, oh, you got that right when you learned New York.

So you were 25, 26.

Dude, I had a joke in my act, which was a hundred percent true. I didn't know that Japanese people couldn't understand Chinese people like I used said that my act. Yeah, I remember that. And it's not even a joke. It's all stemmed stemmed from Dr. Ken. Dr. Ken.

And I thought the joke was Japanese and Korean. No, no Japanese. No gets to Japanese and Korean. Oh, but it's not. Can I switch it to Steve Byrne? Because I didn't want to say doctor can because it felt like I was being like namedropping. Ze was famous when I was doing the joke. But the truth is the doctor can and I.

We're at the Ontario Improv and we were in the back back hallway and there was a Japanese couple trying to get through and I tap Dr. Ken and I go, I think your parents are trying to come backstage. And he looked out and he goes, Those aren't my parents.

It's just Japanese older couple.

I go, Are you sure? He goes, I'm certain. I go, Well, what are they saying? Goes, I don't fucking know. And I said, Oh, you didn't you never learned your language around the house. It was like, no, no, no, they're Japanese. No, you're not. And he goes, No, I'm Korean. And I went, Oh, he's like, you couldn't tell the Japanese. And then I said to him, No, they didn't have rising sun bandanas on.

And he said I said, well, kind of what are they saying? And he goes, You being serious right now? I go, Yeah, don't you can't understand a little bit.

He was like, I can't understand any. Yeah. And I was like, they're not the same language. And he was like, no, that's why it's called Korean and Japanese. And I went I was like, I just didn't know. I didn't know. And you know, any one Asian and growing up in Florida, what what are you talking about?

Like you didn't like growing up in Florida. You didn't know a lot of Asian people.

I had Asian friends in school. Oh. What was his name? Steve.

Now, OK, that was quick. Yeah, I don't have one. Yeah, I don't know any Asian kids I knew. Oh, Sam and Rhonda Ho. There you go.

Yeah, they were they, they went to grade school with me and he threw up in his lunch box.

I'll always remember Sam Ho throwing up his lunch box in second grade and being like I literally stood up. I was like, I'm fucking out of here. Sixth grade, walked outside.

I knew the lambs to and I know the lambs. Yeah. And then. Yeah, but they were also Kym's.

So how many Asian friends did you have, did you have multicultural friends growing up. Let's make this episode about Tom. I'm here to listen.

I, I mean, yeah I, I moved a lot member so.

OK, let's do, let's do a pop quiz Tom. OK, ok. OK, ok. I'm going to say a thing and you say their names. OK. Black friend in high school are Darryl.

Wow. That's Rocky and Jay. You had three black friends. Yeah. We played football together. Oh not not like I'm. Did you ever spend the night there. House.

Yeah really. We all did. We all hung out for real. Yeah. And more white people. Are you the only one. You're like Eminem the eight mile.

Uh, no. There was, there was a mix, you know it was mixed up. Really. Yeah.

Uh, Latino friends. I mean.

Yeah. The Casanovas. And I'm trying to think of the word that many Latin kids in my school. I mean.

But you had Asian kids, black kids. You like your schools like Tokyo. Drift a little bit. A little bit now, there wasn't that many Asians either, but the white kids sucked in in the in the Florida school, I didn't really, you know, I only hung out with a few of them. Oh, I'm thinking of Ortega to Cuban.

So there's you know, but, you know, you have multicultural friends growing up. Yeah. In every city. I mean, you know, the the the biggest reason was was sports. Right. Because that was that was my friend group, especially because I was moving. So OK, so let's start all over.

You were born in Cincinnati. Yeah. And your dad was ex military running a bakery. Well, what was your dad, who's always a financial planner. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he he leaves Vietnam, OK. Yeah, he was. He leaves Vietnam. He goes down Vietnam. He fought in Vietnam. Yeah. He goes all goes down tomorrow.

Doesn't go a long way away. How did he meet your mom.

My dad's best friend. Married my mom's sister. Oh, how fucking cool is that? Yeah, and then they were doing a gang bang in like seventy five and so did you.

Are you still are they still. It's your mom. Sister. Yeah, of course they're still. Yeah, they're still close really. My mom and her sister speak pretty much every day.

And do you know that your cousin. Cousin. Yeah. That's that's your cousin. That's the one. Shut the fuck up. So, Brian, that made McMillans on. Yeah. Yeah. He and I were born two weeks apart next door to each other in, um, you know, same way. Same here. And it's his mom and my mom. Holy shit.

Yeah man. I am the worst friend. I don't listen to anybody. Oh I know. I am so bad. Oh it's amazing. It's astounding. You ask me how many sisters I had two weeks ago too.

Yeah I remembered. Yeah. Satsang, Elizabeth, the church and Elizabeth Yum. So that's crazy.

So you're so then your dad, how long do you live in Cincinnati for nine years. So and then you move to Florida now then we moved to Minneapolis.

Whoa. Yeah.

I never knew you lived in Minneapolis. I've mentioned it a number of times. You've never said it once. A hundred times. Never once did you say I was a huge Vikings fan when I was ten. I used to go to Vikings game. No, you did it.

I went to Chris Dorman's football camp. I went to Rich Gannon football. You went to Rich Gannon football camp? Yeah.

Rich Gannon was a fucking legit. I think his brother played for the bucks. Chris Dollman rest in peace. He just died. Really? Yeah. A little while ago. A few months ago.

So what position did you want to play when you were.

Oh, I mean, when I was a little little kid, I wanted to be a wide receiver like Jerry Rice, Steve Largent, those were the guys.

But they're like, hey, tech, get over in the fucking old offensive line.

Now, then I was obsessed with Lawrence Taylor. And then and then like, oh, you have that mentality. Totally. Yeah. I wanted to be a hundred percent you I and he was like that this psycho and they had the NFL Films tapes where he was like talking shit and those are the best.

Oh man. I was just like, yeah, I was super.

Did you talk shit during when you played football? Not really. A couple of times.

One time when my coach told me to I was like what he was like he's like getting his fucking ear talk shit.

I was like, I was like, I'm out of breath. It's kind of hard enough about you.

Anyway, my one day know we're going back to Tom, but, you know, I can't not tell a story about myself. Of course. Seventh grade.

Yes, seventh grade. I play football. My parents don't want me to play football. I play football for the first time.

First game, by the way, I was hospitalized in fifth grade and my dad had me go to practice the next week.

We did get hospitalized in fifth grade. Did you play did you play like like not tater tots, but what do they call it?

Peewee peewee football. Yeah, footpads.

You know, I never let them do that.

I had a back injury in I'm ten years old and he was like practice on Monday out of the hospital.

No fucking. What was your back injury? The the term is, I think, spondylolisthesis of the third degree of the fifth lumbar. It's basically a disk kind of pops out.

It's not a fucking chill injury.

I just watched a documentary on Perry's documentary, This Football Life on on. Yes. And is a great and Barry Sanders dad said, which is an interesting thing. I just had to do the podcast with this this therapist about and we ended up talking about my dad, but he said I'm not. My dad had said this when I was a kid. I'm not your friend. I'm your dad. Like, there's and I remember there were I remember seeing parents that were friends and they were like, yeah, you guys can drink around here.

That was not my parents.

I'm not your parent. I'm your dad. Yeah. Like, I'm here to raise you to be a man. I'm not here to just be like buddy boy, like, you know. Yeah. And that was your dad, definitely. Right? Yeah.

I mean, yeah, he he he wasn't like he's a bigger, hard ass on paper. Like if you read the resume, you're like this guy's Vietnam War.

I it's all I think about. Yeah. That's all I was thinking about taking the shit today when I was like, I'm going to listen today. Yeah.

That Vietnam stuff. Yeah. You hear the Vietnam stories and like his oh we just watched Platoon with the girls the other day. Yeah. And they're like, did this really happen. And I was like one hundred percent and they're like hold on. People were really in like they've watched a bunch of war movies now and so they thought everything was like 1917, that there were big trenches. You were with your team, the men there looking at foxholes going like that really happened in the middle of the night.

They just charge. And I was like, oh, Vietnam was a fucking nightmare.

Yeah. Yeah. All the stories are pretty horrible, man. They're like like I dude next to you stepping on a mine and like his legs and stomach just blowing open. And also he told me recently and I never knew this growing up, he told me that he thinks about those people every day. I think I've mentioned that to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He told me that I was like, really? He was like, yeah, every day I was like, oh, Jesus. Like, I didn't I never realized that the trauma of.

OK, so think about this, I said this the other day, what is the what is the if you had to be in the one most swing generation ever, the generation had seen the most.

Meaning like like like I looked at Georgeann Island, I thought they will have very little change in their lives like they were born with cell phones. Cell phones will always be there. Yeah, like there will never know.

Like, I was lucky enough because that's what it started with me saying I was lucky enough that I got like 13 years of just walk out the front door and disappear for the entire day.

But we can't like that's the thing is every time whatever the most modern time you live in, like when you're living, you can't imagine the progression 10 years ahead of you, like you. I mean, like you think that. Well, it's just so modern now. But the truth is, 10 and 20 years from now, this will be this will seem like a super nobut like, OK, but go back like if you like.

No one would want to be born in the eighteen hundreds because there was no progress. You were born a farmer, you died a farmer. You only knew like you were born one way and you only knew one thing all the way up till like the.

I guess you wouldn't even want to be born in like 1870 because you never saw change.

Well, if you were born in like nineteen, if you're born 1870, you would see change.

No, you only live, like, be 35 for one. Well, you could you know, some people were born then that would live longer.

And you were going to growing into the industrial age, changing, you know, a little bit. Yeah.

But like like I was saying, I remember Leon's grandfather. I got to talk to him before he died a bunch times. But I said to him, what was it like?

Like, what was that I said, what was the one thing you remember the most out of your childhood? And his answer was hot watermelons, hot watermelons. He's like, man, there's nothing better than a hot watermelon. It sounds horrible.

I know you break it over your knees. Let me guess for you. You wish you were born Berlin, 1925, just in time to ride that wave. No, but I wouldn't mind of be.

I wouldn't mind getting a taste of the real old school white privilege, like the uncut white, I wouldn't mind getting a taste of the 1950s like cocktail in hand, go to a meeting.

Oh, right. Like like that old school white privilege.

You would have no skill for the job they gained on the field, feel completely entitled to it and call your secretary tuts and smack on the ass.

Oh well you would have been the you would have been the documentary was made about they were like, look at this piece of shit from there.

I wouldn't mind just just one snort of the old uncut white privilege. Yeah.

Just fucking drinking and driving. Yeah. Fuckin cop pulls you over like Sam. What's up? It's like, oh, it's you again Krischer. Goddammit, you got a cigarette and got lucky. Here you go. I wouldn't mind a little taste of that. Yeah. No, you've said it a few times now.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

They should do one day of just remembrance of like the like hey you can, you can live in any time period you want today you can, you could probably propose this to a I don't know, write your congressman or they should do this during the quarantine one day all that you just get the one day for like one week we pick a different day.

Those Mad Men era guys. Oh, my God. Like, there is no fucking rules.

They just they just would drink at lunch. I would love I can't do that. I actually really can't do that. What do you mean. Meaning I can but I just get a fucking wasted for the day. Yeah. Like I'm not I'm not usable again. I can't just go and have a minute.

I was really honestly take taken aback by how well you held it together that time. We went to San Francisco for the game. Yeah. And you were drinking all morning and I was like, I'm going to go take a nap. And you're like, all right, I'll see you down. I mean, you'd had, I don't know, a dozen drinks and you were like this. The thing is, you were not fucked up. You didn't seem like it.

No. And then we went to the game and then we had dinner. Then we got back. I was like, oh, now I'm definitely in a crash. And you're like, well, now the night starting, I like we went out and had a cigar.

Yeah, but you were fine. Yeah. I guess maybe I could do that. I think I think you could. I think I shot myself short. Yeah.

Yeah I, I miss way back to seventh grade football. You said you're playing football in seventh grade. Oh I was playing seventh grade football and my dad did not want me playing like he really was against it and he thought you're going to get hurt. Thought I was going to get hurt. Neck injury, paralyzed immediately, just really immediately. I have fought with them to play and I was middle linebacker. I play like two plays.

I they put me in like halfway through the game and I first play I fucking literally grab a guy before you get through the line fucking level him. But it was an accident. Like, I didn't mean to level him. I kind of was not looking.

You accidentally leveled him, but it looked like I leveled him. But I really ran into him like and so but everyone but he went fucking down and I was out of it, like I was like on there, like a good way to fuck him up.

And I was like, uh huh, uh huh. Two plays after that interception, run it back to the one yard line and all of a sudden I'm the best football player on the team. Like I'm right here and they're like, you're starting every game you're in. Like and I sucked so bad. And then I got my I got a neck injury. You did. I got a neck injury during practice and they had to tape my head to the goalpost.

Yeah. To like let it sit still because it hurt.

Anyway, I moved it and then you were done and then I was fucking.

And then and then I played eighth grade and I did not play as good I started, but I didn't play as good as I did in that one game in eighth grade, I was involved in a play where three of us broke a guy's leg.

Are you serious? Yeah.

And we just all it was just perfect. We all three of us hit the quarterback at like the same. Oh my God. Like this from different angles, but boom.

And it was like three pretty big kids, you know, like pretty strong kids. Yeah. Just we just heard this fucking horrific sound and scream and then you just saw the leg was clearly broken.

Oh my God. Were you this size when you were in seventh grade? Not know. But I mean, I was you seem like a guy who would have grown up early.

I did. I was like shaving off pretty early.

But but the but the I was the the the joy that the three of us felt for hurting that kid so badly and something I still carry with me, you know.

Did you ever hear did you ever hear Patrice O'Neal's didn't you play college football. I don't think you went to college, persay.

I thought it did. I thought I think I thought I read that once. Can you look it up? Look it up? I don't think you went to I don't think he I think he went to prison.

Oh, well, one of us is going to feel stupid in a moment.

He definitely went to prison. I know that. Really? Yeah. I don't know. All right, yeah, college football bowl games, yeah. He died at 41, is that all he was? Oh, my God, dude, that's like you dying tomorrow.

Yeah, I turned forty one tomorrow. No, you don't, yeah, no, you don't. Tomorrow's my birthday at forty one. No, you're lying. Swear to God tomorrow's your birthday. Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah. I turned forty one tomorrow. What do you do for your birthday party. And Oneal never knew his father he attended tended to end up playing his career with three varsity letters and winning a state championship his senior year after graduating, he turned down a scholarship for prison at Northeastern in Boston, which included a grant theater.

His comedy, the OK, Where's the Prison stuff? Wait, wait, wait. I don't know. I'm sure it's not in his Wikipedia.

Why would not be there? They always put that there.

I don't know. Keep Googling it. He was he went to prison for sexual assault.

That's not that's not sure, right? Yeah, I know.

It's not something I think that he wanted ever brought up, really. And I think it was something he was scared of. He will. You talked about it on Opie and Anthony. He did. It's not a secret. Definitely not a secret. Um, he talked about it on Opie and Anthony. It was something that he was always afraid that if he got successful, it was something they dig up on him. And but yeah, I mean, I won't I'm not I won't even talk about it because I don't think I know he had his version of it and I'm sure she had her version of it.

So but he ultimately went to jail and it fucked his friend up. That was that went to jail with him. It fucked him up for the rest of his life because he will stop showering and they pulled him aside. I forget what they called him. They call him Big Baby or something in prison. They everyone had a name of state. I listen to it a couple of times. I listen to it live. I was driving on the street.

Listen to what life Petrie's tell the story live on Opie and Anthony. Hmm.

And, uh, but yeah. And so what are you looking for the. Yeah, I'm not saying any of the stuff. Well, if you just type in Patrice, I guess a rape, but, um, no, I think that's what he went to jail for.

Jesus, statutory rape. Uh, yeah, right, so 60 days in prison for having sex with an underage girl. Oh, she was 15. He was 16 because Massachusetts lacked a close in age exception. That is fucking.

Well, I think it was. I think it was there was a little more complicated. I mean, I'll tell you, the idea for me to share the story isn't even fair, I think, to everyone involved. But it sounded like it sounded like a bad situation of his. His advice was, if you do your dirt, keep it to yourself, don't spread it, because I guess they did it and they talked about it and her brother found out and her brother.

And so I'm just saying, no, when it's 16, that's not why those laws are written, I think.

No, but I think it was more guys than girls, meaning it was one girl like three guys.

And so I think it put her in a bad situation and she claimed something. Look, I'm not even the right person to be talking about any of this, but, yeah, it's stuff I've heard and it's out there. So it's really kind of.

Yeah, that really turned into a he did not play college football, but I wasn't that far.

He was offered a scholarship. I mean, but why would he turn it down? I don't know. I don't know.

But I mean, Northeastern is a pretty good school in Boston. And I'm just saying that, like, it wasn't a crazy assumption I made. Right. He was a no. He was either a champion in high school and he got an offer to fall. Right.

He he used to tell the story I used to love. The stories was enormous. He's a big dude. He was a big fucking dude. Yeah. I used to love the stories he'd tell that he never told on stage that he'd just tell that you go like he used to tell the story about this guy, Tony, in his neighborhood who's cool shit.

And he's like, man, I watch Tony and Tony would just go up and just tap tap on the back of the neck, go, damn, got you.

They'd be like, Oh, Tony.

And he's like, be on the side going, all right, you got to hit a bitch. So I just go up.

I didn't I didn't look at the way Tony had his hand and I got my clothes first and I'm just like, pow bitch.

And they were the he would tell of the funniest stories. Yeah. You could tell he was kind of trying to work out to maybe take on stage now that I mean now that I know at the time he was forty one when he passed, I guess he was probably thirty years old and he was telling me this, he's a, he's still a very young comic. It is crazy.

Hey there's some people who you always imagine them a different like for some you know, I always picture how old was Hedberg when he died.

I always pictured Patrice like twenty years older than me, you know.

Oh, I felt like he was so older than I was talking to someone yesterday. And they're like, do you remember when Patrice said to someone, Oh. And he goes, Do you remember when fucking Hedberg was thirty seven and that was forty five?

I started working for Travel Channel when I was thirty seven. Gerald was forty four. That makes sense. Bill Hicks was thirty two. George talk. Bill Hicks was thirty two. That is so fucking young to be losing.

How much work did Hedberg put out. Can you go to his like go to Wikipedia. Scroll down. Click is Wikipedia there? And go to his discography. Yeah, yeah. So Los Angeles was a movie, and it's while it's only, what, four albums? That only put out yeah. I mean, it's quite a legacy for four albums, right? Oh, I played it for the girls and I loved it. George did not.

That makes sense. Yeah, it's totally Islas Lane. That might be her favorite comic ever. She dials in, you know, I mean, dives into it.

The girls right now are obsessed with. Yeah. They're like they're like, there's no way you know, him. I was like, I was on fucking Netflix two weeks ago, girls, what the fuck? You don't think I know him? And then there's people you don't know.

You don't know John Mulaney. I go, no, I do.

I don't know him, know him. But if I saw him, I'd say hi. And they go, Yeah, you don't know him, dad. I go, but fuck, I don't. I know John Mulaney. Like if I, if John McCain he was walking down our street and I saw him, he would say, hi, Burt. And they go, What do you say, hi Burt. Everybody go, oh, hi. And keep walking.

And I go, Oh damn, I had it like that on you do.

They are fucking brutal to me right now. Brutal, like logit, brutal.

Everyone, you should ask Daliah to just record a message and send it to you, you know, I mean, like, hey Burt, just checking in. I'm a big fan and just be like, see who does know.

You know, I told you this a long time ago, Duilio, when he was on Vyn, he would do this thing where you go CICU or whatever. Yeah. And George and her friends were doing it.

They were like fucking sixth grade and they were quoting Delio. Yeah. He created like his own lexicon.

I mean, it's bizarre when you think about it like but and George was doing it the other day, his specials out, she was watching videos of him laughing hysterically on the phone.

Why don't you have asked Chris to do a message to them, like, hey, girls, your dad asked me to say I'm friends with him and I hope you're doing well in your quarantine.

I'm doing it, so I'll take care of it. Don't worry.

Oh, yeah. They're they're brutal. They call me fetus right now. Fetus. Yeah.

Why? Uh, y it's a it's a derivation of a nickname, so like. Burtis, no. I live for whatever reason, has never called me dad. She just always had a nickname for me. She'll call me Dad, my big boy.

We want to take a break here or I got to shit pretty badly. He's hurt. Yeah, we'll just go and I'll listen to you from him. We haven't.

Wait, hold on. We're talking about me right now. This whole episode dedicated to you and learning about you.

Yeah. Yeah. But see, you took it over again.

How did I do that? You just do it. You really have to go. Yes, I do think we should take a break. OK, I'll see you guys are here. Drak songs. Posman right there by the way. Drinks like a legit deal.

Yeah. All right, guys. Tom sitting in this time, I want to tell you to go to Netflix. Watch. Hey, big boy. And Balrog streaming right now along with no pain, that is Lee is special. Now, what we did about nine months ago is the three of us realized we were all doing Netflix specials and we decided that we would write one joke between the three of us. I would tell the set up because I knew mine was coming up.

First, Tom was going to do the meat of the joke, which is the ultimate story, the ark of the joke. And then Delia in his special was going to do the punch line. It was touch and go. They had to push the Lias back a couple of weeks. We want our initially thought it was going to be me, Tom, then Delia a week, week, week. And so we were like we thought it was going to be perfect.

It pushed back a little bit. So if you get the opportunity there, you go and get the opportunity. Go three, go back and watch all three specials and see if you can find the set up, the meat of the joke and the punch line. It's really fun. We've planned it. It's not perfect, obviously. And if you get an opportunity and you can edit them together. So even if they suck, even if you get it wrong, I think we did enjoy it.

But what you think my setup is Tom's meat and then delicious punchline. It's fucking hilarious. We thought of it in the backstage at the Comedy Store and we couldn't stop laughing about it. And we were fighting over who would tell the joke. And then Tom was the one that was like, why don't we just each tell a part of it, put it in our special, and then that'll be like an Easter egg, like a fun thing for fans.

So see if you can find it. All I can tell you is the trifectas complete.

You get that, by the way, my mom called today and my mom was this close and there was a dude online on my Instagram who was like said, is it this? And I went, you're getting warm. It's not it, but you're getting warm. So, Tom shiting. We'll be right back. All right. Back to you. What was that shit? Aggressive. Really? Really?

Yeah. I mean, I think I just I had that was too rich, but I ate. And then I've just been I had that breakfast at breakfast burrito.

And the worst part is I'm so used to shitting with my wallet, you know, bad day at home. Oh yeah. That clean up when you're not home, you feel like a monster.

And it's just like it's just like spreading shit all over your ass. Yeah.

And so I'm just like soaking toilet paper.

You believe in the Middle East, they just use your finger, don't use toilet paper while these fucking knuckleheads next door from that area and they they cause the toilet to break. Really. Holy shit.

I like I wish that we could I would do I would watch a whole documentary on Shiting. I'd produce it. I think you know our next project.

Yeah, like if they just said everyone, that's what I think. That's the name of a kid's book. Yeah, we all shit, but we all shit in different ways.

Today we're going to spend one hour talking about shiting and try to get to the base because I think we've learned a lot about Shiting. Yeah. Like Squatty Potty is technically assigning Asian culture to our shitting.

Well yeah. I mean you realize that everywhere in the world with a we look at it, usually an American will see someone in a full squad and be like, God, you fucking savage, what are you doing? Yeah. Then you realize that's how a your body is designed shit. Yeah. And B, it's a much cleaner experience, you know, to be in that full squat and your ass just spreads wide open. It just falls out of you.

I don't know if I like I can't shit like just saddled like where your feet are touching the ground not on a squaddie body. Do you have to have this. I have to have squatty potty or I even sometimes I like like if I'm in the airport I would put my bag underneath my feet because I needed it with my feet up.

I feel like my ass cheeks are spread better. Yeah they are.

And and then I. Do you ever do a scary party with diarrhea? I've never thought about.

Oh yeah.

And I only have diarrhea and it just comes out like, it's like oh dude I when I shit it's almost like, it's almost like it's all built and then I just go like it and every time, every time I don't ever I haven't taken like a nice long like where it crept out you know, like.

Yeah.

Like it was like hey one time I remember I had a flashback to high school where I went into the stall and I went to the stall and I shut it.

And I felt like, you know, when you can feel a massive, massive diarrhea.

Yes. Like you can just feel the pool of water sitting there. Like, I know as soon as I pull the trigger, this is going to be just disastrous. Yeah. And I need to go somewhere. I'm like about to go and my friend walks in the bathroom like he's like he, I think he sees my shoes or something.

He's like Saghir. I was like, oh what's up man. And so I go, just hold it. Because if I go right now he's just going to turn around. Yeah. So I just like I'm fucking like sweating, almost crying because I'm holding it. I'm sitting on the toilet.

My body's like, the fuck are you doing, let it go. Yeah. I was like, no, I got it.

So he's like he's taking his time. Like he's like, oh man. He's just like talking shit about and he's got like a newspaper or something with him and I you know, he drops his pants and I'm like, come on man. I want to get comfortable so that he's like tied to staying.

And I'm like I'm like, yeah, you see, so and so he's like, I'm like, come on man.

And he drops the pants, he sits down, he's like and then he's like settling in. I'm like, yeah. So I don't know if you heard about and I just let it go like that and he goes What the fuck. And I just see him pull his pants up and he walks.

I go, do you have shit hanging out. He's like, nah man. I was trying to get comfortable. That's just like trying to get comfortable. Yeah.

He was like going to take his to have like a casual shit, you know, like sit for a few minutes, let it build up. But I just I don't know, I'd love ruining someone's experience like that, you know. What was the worst shit.

Your pants story. Um, do you want me to tell mine why you think.

Because I have all 100 of them. You have one hundred that you're paid. I've shit my pants so much. I've shit my pants so much. This is a joke. I once tried to I tried to slide into this last special, but it never worked. I shit my pants so often that if I'm at a green light, if I'm in a red light, it turns green. The guy behind me honks, I assume he's got to shit his pants.

Does that make sense?

If if I'm at a red light and it turns green and I and the same turns green and you hear the guy behind me go and go, motherfucker. Yeah, I'm assuming he's about to shit his pants because I've done that so much, really.

I've been in I've been like where I'm driving home my pants like let's go, let's go fucking come on green light.

I'm trying to think of the last time I saw you. I mean, I shit my pants, I shit my boxers in the kitchen of our house like three houses ago because we were on that green all green smoothie stuff.

Oh those don't count.

Well I know but I was like wait a minute, I just like I got a fart, just water fell out of me.

But I'm trying to think of like the laid like the last I checked my pants the other day on a doing an Instagram story.

What, like I like and I almost posted it in there. I was like, I don't think people need to see that what happened. I was just talking and I was like, hey guys, I don't know, I just shit my pants.

I will say that a lot. Like, I just hit my pants. Like, I just a lot of shit the bed. I've done everything you shit the bad shit, the bed where was just laying naked and I just thought it was a fart. And then I shut the bed and I'm like, not shit, not like a bull shit in the bed, but like a squirt where you're like I got to change the sheets and never tell anyone about this.

Did you. I told you never. I never told Diane I just change the sheets and she'd be like, hold on, why do we have new sheets on the bed?

And you're like, oh, dog's allergies, worst ever. Shit my pants.

I'm going to say fifth grade, sixth grade tennis camp. I told you the story. Tennis camp, sixth grade. And I'm playing an Indian kid.

I was in love with the sister. I wish I could remember.

You're pretending to be an Indian girl. I'm playing. No, I'm not playing. We're playing a tennis match. I got an Indian kid. He was horrible, but his sister was good. Very sexy. I've always been an Indian chicks. I don't know why.

And so you can still be an I can't because I am married to LeAnn, but I would like to be. But she's part Indian. The yeah.

Oh yeah she is. Yeah. We learn this. We're dancing right now and so I've got to shit before the tennis match and I'm like I should probably take a shit right now. I got to take a shit. And then as I stand up to shit, kid walks up and he's like, Are you ready? And I was like, yeah. So we go to start playing.

And in our first in our first set I've got to shit so bad, but I'm winning and I'm like, fuck, but I can't beat him quick enough to shit my pants to like go take a shit. So I go all right, fuck it, I literally give up. I'm like I'm just going to let him beat me. Like let him beat me so that I can we can break. That's what we would switch. And I'm just going to go take a shit real quick.

I give up, I give up on like whatever he's like. Are you even trying. I was like, I've got to go the bathroom and now I just dart off the thing. I'm like fifth grade, sixth grade. I go to the men's locker room and as I drop my pants to go shit in the toilet, it starts coming out and I shit half in my pants, half on the seat, none in the toilet.

And I sit in it and there's shit everywhere.

It's in my socks, it's on my, it's in my wristband. It's all my tennis glove like it's everywhere. There is shit fucking everywhere.

Oh on my shirt, on the tail of my shirt and my pants and my underwear. So I'm like fuck.

So I don't know what to do. I'm covered, I'm covered shit like not just a little shit, I am covered in shit. So I get up, I leave, I take everything off, I leave it there, shoes, I take everything off.

I go naked into the shower and I rinse off. Right. And then I come back and I assess the situation. I was like, these pants are salvageable. The underwear is not salvageable. The shirts is salvageable. The only thing I can save is my tennis club and my shoes. That out of all the things I have are my shoes and my tennis gloves. The socks are a fucking wash, the pants. Everything is fucking covered shit.

So I start jiggling, I'm naked, I start jiggling lockers in the men's locker room and one's open and I find a pair of pants and a shirt in there and I take them. I put a pair of men pants. I don't have any clothes. And they're covered in shit. They're covered in shit. I put a pair of men's pants on and a man's shirt. It smells like cologne. I then go back in the thing I do the best cleanup job I can.

I'm gagging like crazy. I put my shoes on, no socks, no socks. I go out and finish a tennis match. Tennis club, man shirt, man's pants, my shoes, no socks. I'm like a mess. I'm like really holding it together, going like I'm about to cry the whole time.

He say like he was there, he didn't say, he just goes, are you ready to play. And I was like, yeah, let's play. How do you say it? He said, Are you ready to play? And I said, You get a hurt real bad.

He said, I, uh, I get done the game. I am literally and by the way, I'm not built for this. The guy you know, right now is created based off these life experiences. Yeah, I was a softer kid then, so I am like a mess. I'm holding back tears the entire time. I'm waiting for my mom to pick me up. I am really upset by the way. I'm not wearing underwear. That is a big deal for me at the time.

So I was a hardcore tidy whiteys guy. I am not wearing underwear. I feel very uncomfortable. I'm a tactile guy. I have tactile issues. I'm not wearing socks. I always wear socks with shoes. I never wear socks with shoes. Yeah, I'm in a man's clothes.

I'm waiting for the guy to come out of the fucking locker room and go, Did you steal my fucking clothes? I just want to get the fuck out of there. My mom pulls up, I get in the car. Finally I'm relaxed. I start crying. And she just didn't even know. She goes, How was your day? And I'm like, I'm in a fucking outfit. I didn't show up. Yeah, you're not going to go wear your socks or how come here.

I think we got to the root of why you're a comedian today.

Dude, I have for that story. I have one hundred. I talked to my dad on his podcast the other day. I said to him so that my my real personality before my dad kind of tried to shake it out of me was second grade. First grade. I was on my softball, my baseball team playing second base, fly ball, hitting me, bases loaded. I catch the fly ball, right? Yeah. It's the first, like, play I've ever made in my life.

Everyone stands. Cheers. I spiked the ball, rip off my shirt and I start dancing.

I'm in first grade and the place is going nuts. I mean, it must be really by the way, I'm not doing it for other anything other than give the people what they want. That's where my brain is. I swear to God, I called my dad yesterday and because I was talking to this therapist and I was like and they were like, what did your dad say? I go, you know, I really don't remember. I know he was a little embarrassed, but I know I don't remember.

I go, hey, dad, what did you say, what did you think when your son in first grade ripped his shirt off and started dancing, spiked the baseball and started dancing? And he goes, I was fucking shocked. And I was like, he's like, I did not raise you like that. And I remember getting in the car with him, just looking at me. It's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

And I just was like, it's what the people wanted, like the first fucking grade. So I think there's a list of things like that in my life where I just was a different human being. Yeah, but wait, why did you become a comedian then? Like, what was your thing?

I was thinking more about your whole fucking ride in today.

What about she's like Tom, so fucking interesting. She goes, I get you in Dullea. But like Tom makes me laugh. But he doesn't seem like someone who cares if I laugh.

Well. I mean, I get it, you guys probably have more likeable personalities. No, I think that I think that we're more like we're more like you can see us want you to like us. Oh, like you're not you're like like why do you think you became a comedian?

Um. Do you have any, like, trauma as a kid where you're like and then I well, that's how I decided to fix it?

No, I think a lot of it is that I think that they they were kind of checked out on a lot of things by folks like don't pick up on things.

So I think a lot of it is like. You know, it became the place where you can say things and get, you know, either fired up about it, make a point about something, you know, and actually all these people are paying attention.

I don't think they really they didn't I mean, they weren't bad parents. They just were like, I feel like they didn't.

They just kind of missed a lot of stuff, you know?

Do you like your parents? Did your parents party with other parents? No, there weren't partiers.

I just feel like they were more like, how's it going? You know, like, good night. Good. You know, like, you know, they're not you have to volunteer something for it.

Like if you wanted attention, you needed to reach out for it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like so do you think your dad had PTSD? I think so. I think a version I think we never thought he did. But looking back on it as an adult now. I think so. Yeah, I think I think almost everybody does. Even the people that go, I go, I didn't. I'm like you. I think you do.

And because I think it's too horrific a thing for a human being to experience. And do you think your mom always felt like an outsider?

100 percent. Really? 100 percent. So do you think like now like as an adult, do you think your mom was always, like, striving to integrate herself into American culture?

Kind of, you know, with her, you see, like, such a personality switch when she's with Latin people or speaking Spanish.

Really? Yeah, like she talk about myself. We talk about that on our on our episode of my Netflix series. Yeah. It's in the show. And you say your your mom is a storyteller, like your mom is a personality. But that is funny.

It's only when it's her culture, like in a weird kind of like you can get her in English and like the right environment and the right day and just comfortable and she'll she'll she will entertain you if you were talking to her. But like. In Spanish, you see her really come alive. The real thing is like if you spend a lot of time with her in America and then you go with her to like a Latin country, you're like, oh, my God.

Is this person really? Yeah. Yeah.

And I think it's part of his coming over at, like, you know, 30, 33 or something.

How was your mom when she started having kids? 33. Yeah, I think, uh, thirty three or thirty four. For older sister, yeah, and so did you ever talk to your other sisters about like your parents? Like did they did they feel like they needed to reach out and get attention? Yeah, and they did.

Through their behavior. Yeah. Yeah. I think I kept it more, you know, but the desire for the attention, they were more like acting out this episode to Verizon Cave is brought to you by ship station.

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So why why do you why do you like. What is it about? When was the last time you lost control? Lost control, like where you are, one of my most measured friends. I mean, like, lost my temper, no, just lost control, we were like, no, not not even tempered, but just you're like fucking spring break.

Oh, I do the I do the thing. I think it's still about once a year where I drink way too much and I've never even been there.

Now, you've never been there for it. Why would you do that with me? And know I mean, we can that's like one of my favorite things, I think is because it's not planned. It's not planned. Well, when was the last time you got way too drunk? I can't remember.

I can't remember off the top of my head. I just know that what will happen is this like now usually if I'm drinking, it's not that much. And if I go, you know, I feel like there's been weeks like on the last tour, there had to have been a night where the shows are over for the week and it's been week after week. And you start with booze right now. That's the only danger for me because like beers, I'm like, whatever wine, you know, it's fine.

Yeah. But like, if I'm drinking bourbon and usually, like, after a certain number of couple, you're like, oh, I feel it and I have to get up for this flight or whatever. But there's been a couple of times where I'm like, yeah, fuck it.

And like, yeah it's oh I always end up feeling like dog shit blacking out part of the night, blacking out and you just talk shit, I've never seen this.

Let's schedule a time.

I am let's do a let's do very fearful of what my blackout.

Because like I remember like one time spring break I was with Chuck and we went to like Myrtle Beach and we got Everclear and Gatorade, you know, and I blacked out at like eleven and we were out till four.

I woke up the next day and I was just like like, you know, just like the panic about.

Yeah, I did. I did.

I did it here also in L.A. at like twenty three. Yeah. Where dude. I also woke up and I was like, what can we do, can we do a web like like we do the Web series, like can we do one webisode of you getting blackout drunk? It's not going to be good.

Well, I'll get Blackout drunk with you. You don't get blackout drunk. I grea out. We would have to fuckin get an IV of booze into you.

I would probably need to do something a little more. No I just. You could do it rectally because that could cause alcohol poisoning. We could do that. I haven't. I haven't. I'm probably a super lightweight right now.

I haven't drank in 30 days. Twenty but twenty five days. Yeah. Technically it was really probably probably.

Oh you'll like this one. What I because I so I'm working and I'm working in and I'm an intern at Kopelson Entertainment and I'm going out with some of the staff there. I just started doing stand up and I don't bring them to a show, but we're all hanging out, we're going to a couple of bars and we end up at moggies on Sunset Purnomo.

Yeah, it was across the street from Dublin.

Well, I remember MCG's, so we were there with a group people.

And I I'm I'm a few deep like booze and tequila and shit, and I'm holding court and talk and shit people.

So not you though.

I know. And I'm talking shit. People are laughing.

And I got this, I got vague memories of it, but someone else had to tell me they're like so we're all sitting around and you're talking and then in the middle he's like, you're notably drunk. You just puke like in front of everybody, like just stand there and you're like projectile vomit. And then, you know, like when you when you're done puking, you spit like you, you know, the guy, he's like, you're done.

You can you spit out and like kind of clear it and then you kind of stand back up and you keep telling your story to everybody.

Everyone was like, whoa.

And so I, I go into work on Monday. That was Saturday night. I go into work on Monday and like, five of the people that I work with were there. And I, I'm like, hey, what's up like. Good to see you guys, and they're like, good to see you. What is the. Yeah, yeah.

How come that how do you like that? Would that would scare me if I knew that I could get there and I wouldn't remember it. Like, I would be like I got to measure my alcohol. Well yeah.

I mean like that's not the reason I don't drink that much. I just you know, the older I've gotten usually if I have a few drinks, I'm talking like of real drinks. Yeah. And not anywhere close to drunk. I'll wake up the next day and be like, fuck man, I don't think I can do anything today.

So I mean, I feel like I see I was in the shower and I was trying to defend me drinking with Joe as a day, not drinking. And the reason I can defend it is that I didn't cut loose like I had two drinks. Yeah. Which is what a regular person does. But I got to be honest with you, I felt like the whole time I was just in the starter's box, like I was just down in the starter's box looking at the race, going, when are we going to let go of this?

And that's the problem I have is that I want to like I don't want to be in the starter's box.

Like if we go to if we go to have dinner and you all have a glass of wine that starter blocks, like, I want to race, I want to run, I'm a fucking stallion.

I want to fucking I want to feel free. I don't want to drop like I couldn't. The reason I don't drink and drive is because I don't want to I don't want to measure my alcohol and go actually I gotta stop. I gotta drive. I need an hour to not like I just go no, no, just take a no and then let's fucking cut loose. Yeah, yeah. Your brain's different.

My brain is really different. I like to run. I'm like a dolphin if you think about it. I'm really I'm truly like a dolphin. I'm probably a more if I think about it you really are truly like a dolphin. A hundred percent. Which is why is that.

Is that I'm beautiful to watch. Like I'm just pure joy. Yeah. I like to get in front of boats. I like to jump out of the water. I like to do flips. Not a lot of points to like what I do. You probably argue like is any of this like purposeful like what is the point of this. But is beautiful.

You'll like this one, you can just check this one. This is a scarier one. Is he still in L.A.? Yeah, yeah. So when we went to Myrtle Beach, it was like junior year.

I went, no, I want to I want you to slow the story down. You want to know what car you drove in. I want to know what you were wearing, wearing. Were you wearing the the Nike slides with with gym shorts and a cut off Miami Dolphins sleeveless shirt that you would cut the sleeves off yourself.

So it's probably like a button down. Like to see what. Yeah. And then jeans and like, I don't know, maybe boat shoes or something. I think it's freshman or sophomore year college.

You like dressed up. You didn't go to the beach to like um to like look like see I'm embarrassed.

I'm a different year, different years of college. I dress differently. I have a vision of you dressed as like an offensive lineman like like like sleeve like the sleeves cut off your shirt cut down to here. He's got his shirt off with a with a with a with a straw fedora with Bearcats all around the edge with a python around his neck.

Right now we're in his we're in his 95 Mustang GT. He drove. I remember that. I remember we were we didn't have a hotel and we were driving around a residential neighborhood. We got pulled over and like we have weed and booze and everything. We're underage. And we got out of that.

And then we went to the beach and slept on the beach. And then the cops kicked us out of there. And then we got a hotel. And then we did that Everclear Gatorade thing. Yeah. And I completely blacked out. And then the next morning he I was like, something happened last night.

He was like, dude, what did he say? What did you do. Well, I'm which is Chuck six five and he at the time is probably 265. A big dude. Yeah. He's like, you're lucky I was with you because I guess I was like, just, you know, super fucked up. We went to some club and I was like, you know, we used to do, man, you should, like, grab a girl's ass and then kick the dude that she's with.

Wait, is there a nickname for this guy?

So he was in ten mg. Oh me. No, no, no.

So he was like he thought it was, he was like, oh it's hilarious. He's like, what then you start doing it. So then like a girl come by, you grab her ass and you kick the guy and they were like, what the fuck are you doing?

And I was like, What?

And he told me that he was like, Yeah, man. So a couple of guys definitely wanted to fuck you up. Shut up. Yeah.

What was your nickname for that guy when you show up for this guy? Yeah. We're like, did you have a character that no, I didn't hang time just set up.

And then bonds I guess. I don't know. It was like but I don't I don't know.

I just never wanted to get like that fucked up again.

Oh, I love when I get that fucked up. Really. Yeah. I love when I'm super out of my favorite things in the world. When college was being like, like waking up and being like how did I get home last night.

I will say this. You're a really good drunk. That's a horrible feeling.

I'm actually as bad as that sounds, I'm actually like a really love. I, I tell people like all positive shit when I'm drunk.

See, I want to see the one I want to see you dangerous. Like when you're like, let's get that guy on my leg because that would make me laugh hard as fuck.

Can we get security. Yeah. Oh that'll be a fun one. We should hire like Navy SEALs and then just go around and I'll be like some bitch like all drunk and see what happens.

That is a brilliant idea. I want to videotape that is a brilliant what we need to do. Well, we should call it let's hang on, let's think of the right term, but it's it's like when you're a diplomat.

Oh yeah.

Diplomatically drunk and where you can't get in trouble because you have diplomatic immunity, diplomatic immunity. And we have like nine cage fighters around us and we're just and we get to we get to go up to guys bigger than us and just test them a little bit.

And then the cage fighters will be like, hey, man, calm the fuck down. It's like, oh, God, he's right. I'm in favor. I'm so sorry. I'm such a big fan. I you know, this guy is like, yeah, we're going to be pretty heavily to make sure that he doesn't get killed tonight.

It's pretty funny to to talk to somebody who's like, hey, I'm just trying to have a good night. I'm like, well, you fucked up. Come in here tonight.

So, hey, man, are you going to stand up, sit there like a bitch? And he's like, what's your swishy ass looking at right now? His brothers are staring pretty aggressive at me. Like they go up and smack him. He's like, I'm not touching. And this is all you tonight. I'm like, thank you, thank you. Just grow up and be like I put my fingers in your mouth, motherfucker. Yeah.

It's like, ah ha ha ha. I would be so much fun. Yeah. If you could do that for bachelor parties, like you'd be like, hey man, we got you a bachelor party. Like do you get strippers. We're like, no, we got cage fighters. And you're like, what. Like you get to take these cage fighters out with you tonight. We're not going into any trouble. They're going to squash it all before it starts.

Yeah, be perfect, man.

Basically, you can provoke somebody in the fighting, but then the fight will never happen.

But it never happened because the guys like I'm sorry, man, I didn't know it was boss rootin. I'm so sorry. You and bosses like a man. Just sit down, okay.

Yeah. Got a good boss. Boss Rutan probably has one story that I think over and over and over again.

Watch that. The clips of his open handed slap, it's the fucking know.

He did this thing where I would love when he is kickboxing.

He would do an open palm slap to like your ear and it wasn't forbidden and it would just distort and hurt them enough that then that his next move they were never really prepared for and he would just devastate them with this. Oh, you can probably pull it up. But Rudan his open hand slap, it's fucking oh my God. It looks like the worst. And then he obviously kicks so fucking hard.

Men back Handspring Shamrock Hobman you know, it's I wonder if. Do you think that cage, by the way, I'm the last person I should be talking about, anything may. Pancreas, right, see, no closed fist to the head in this thing, but he's you can do palm strikes and slaps and he's just he's mastered it.

Man does it seem like back in the day, like during this time that like these guys just. Oh, my God. Is that Frank Shimura? Yeah, it is so young, Frank Shamrock. Yeah, I mean, he's got a great fuckin body. Whoa. Yeah, he just got like the air, but if you get his open his open palm strikes, Baharuddin is a fucking savage dude.

Yeah, but, you know, I got to tell you, the way I love him telling stories, the way he tells a story is so matter of fact, who buys route? And every time he tells stories like. Did you ever hear the story about the time the guy that got the cue ball stuck in his mouth? The time he got to Cuba, they bet a Viking dude he couldn't get a cueball in his mouth, he was written by the guy that he couldn't get a cue ball in his mouth knowing full well you can get it, then you just can't get it out.

And it's again and then we had to break some of his teeth out and get the cueball out, you know, it's really hard to get a cueball out like the way he says it. So, like, if you told me you're going to have to break my teeth out to get a cueball, I'd be like, oh, look, now we're going to break from a peep out because that's the only way to get a tube out.

You would be the guy to have a cue ball stuck in your mouth is all ha.

I have to explain it to your wife. He said he could do it and then they shoved it in there and then what's it.

OK, we're going to the polls right here. What is this. Oh no. So, OK, like this is going to be a lot of him teaching it. Do you think do you think you don't have, like, some compilation of him doing it? Not to like not to like trash talk current MMR fighters, because there's a lot of great ones now, but don't you think there was like something a little more heroic about that first round of cage fighters like the Tank Abbots and the Frank Shamrock?

It was more brutal. Is that what it is? Yeah, it was more less rules.

It was almost like there was only like five pillars of of. Of like Joyce graisse, like it seemed like there was only a few of them, now it seems like it rotates so quickly that guys come in and out of the system.

Don't you remember though those early days like it would just be just covered in blood and they would just be rolling around in blood and there was nothing to remember.

There was like I think they were like striking to the back of the head and they were just like, let it happen.

I mean, it's amazing how much we knew about me without knowing anything about Emma, only because we had the chip in our box so we could watch pay per view any time we wanted in college. And we would just watch. I mean, that would be our party of going out Friday, Saturday night, really. You just watch all the fights on repeat on the chip and we just sit there. And I remember the first time I heard you were watching that in college.

In college. Yeah. Really? I remember watching Joyce Gracie in college had to be 1996, 97, but I think I remember watching Joyce, Gracie and being blown away that a little guy could take a big guy like that was like mind changing.

I remember we watching those fights and then going out to bars and just being so fucking physically aggressive because we had watched so many of those moments.

That's called priming. It happened me one time where I watched a bunch of fights and I was at a job and I just kept watching fight, fight, fight. And then they were just like, hey, you know, guests aren't supposed to be on the eighth floor of this building. And then someone was like, there's someone on the eighth.

And I was like, I'm going to go talk to him right now. And I got I just started barking in this dude's face and he was like, what the fuck, man? Like to tell me to calm down? And I was like, no. And it was all from watching just getting those in my head.

I read through the I remember getting afraid, like I want to say that there was that one open heart strike.

Or is that somebody else, that's someone else. Oh, but look at that fucking monster. Who is that? Jesus Christ, man, is this real look like a real person. Now, this is like this is like WWE. No, no, this is oh yeah. This has got to be. No, he's working hard.

Oh, no, this looks ridiculous. Oh, my God, who that? This is like real pro wrestling, yeah, that's wrestling. Either way, we're both like two fucking country bumpkins in the back of a garage watching pro wrestling. Oh, now now that looks real like that.

That that looks like bullshit.

All right, how long do you think it would take us to kill boss Rutan in a hotel room if he was passed out, if he was passed out like but just drunk? Right. So, like, he's had a lot to drink and he's sleep in a bed and we that's our job. The mission is kill him. We need to kill him. And so like but we can't like here's the key. Right, OK. Everything is a cheap hotel room, so everything's glued to everything.

So you can't lift the thing. You've got a menu with our bare hands. Got to try to kill a just a just a sleeping boss routine.

Well, is he just sleeping or if he's been drinking much passed out like it's pretty wasted.

I mean, we just have to try to suffocate him, I guess you think. Oh, hold on one second. Yeah. OK, so you think very quietly you'd go below.

Ed and I go, you're out of your fucking mind, stand with the bat and kick them in that bucket at. And you're like, that'll just wake them up. Yeah, I feel like I mean, can we pick the phone up or now can't pick the phone up. What about the dresser? If you have me and you can lift the dresser.

OK, so I would be like, let's pick up the dresser over his head, throw it down on his head. Kick the dresser off and then all of that with a pillow and then all of a sudden mean you were lifting up the dresser, he wakes up, we're like Heizer, we're just taking the dresser out. He's like, what are you doing? I'm like, we got new dressers to switch it out.

Now, I'm amazed that, like, the type of men that are out there. What do you mean?

Like the type of men that are out there, like the like just the type of men I would love to see you fight back and think about.

Let's let's let's categorize men. Are you ready? OK, let's let's start with physical men.

There are men out there.

Gadhafi. Well, you know, there are men out there that their safety is not paramount. What do you mean their safety is not like like for me and you are safety number one. Like, we're not going to do like if I said, hey, man. Let's go out and surf these big waves and we'll do tow in surfing, let's see if we can do it. You'd be like, I'm not going to do that. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to die.

But there are people that go, oh, no, let me get a shot of that. Yeah. Like Laird Hamilton goes, I'm in. And then yeah.

I mean, dude, I saw him paddle board in the tapu tip who's like the biggest, thickest babe in the world. People have a hard time just surfing into a lot of people go into it. He paddleboard it into it like a paddle board and then surfed it. Dude, type in Laird Hamilton Paddleboard Tapu.

It's t.A the not the way you spell Tipu. That's a fucking Thai hooker pronunciation. Let's say.

I want to see how he searches. It makes me so angry. Tya that mpu just so you know you wrote a whole lot. Ha iRace that whole thing.

Got Laird Hamilton. L.A., I don't know, let him try to guess how to spell Laird. Makes me so angry, Laird Hamilton. OK, not biggest wave that they're going to get. Oh, there's that for the record, I can tell you the wave right now, that wave on the far right is Tipu, by the way. I didn't even see this as the who that is, Tipu. But typing Laird Hamilton paddleboards Tipu. So that's how you spell it, t.A.

There it just was at the bottom. Look at this, sorry, guys. So go to video videos. Stand up paddleboarding, Tipu, now, these are fucking dudes that are. Look how thick this fucking wave after wave is. I've watched this video maybe 100 times. This one this I've watched this video because I know where is where in Hawaii. This is not Hawaii.

This is this is Tahiti. Oh, this is like OK. Like South Pacific. Yeah. And this is the thickest wave. Look, how does that mean the thickest way. You'll see how thick this wave is. So look at this guy. Just go. So take a look, when you see the sideways, just look at how, like you see that wave is not like it's just a it's a fucking mound of water pouring on to people.

It looks fun. I could never there's not a part of me that could ever do that, like I just might. I mean, like, I would never. Just the idea of like standing up, like being able to stand up that quickly, I can't stand up that quickly, like that's the hardest part about surfing is getting from on your body.

Have you surfed before? Yeah, but not not like the real surfing. But I mean, don't you think that's just your inexperience? Yeah, but look at this fucking guy. Do you think you're willing to risk that?

No, no, I'm not willing to risk any of this. But the that that is even scarier, like like a five foot wave is terrifying to get thrown off of.

Where's Laird and all this. Watch this. He's just going to come in on a paddleboard on a paddle board. Dude, that is unde look at all these guys are trying to paddle like surf regular into it because you got to like be able to get going. Fast forward to it. To Laird, you'll see. Are you do you ever think how fascinating it will be, like on a pure, purely genetic study thing, to look at them, look at it, look at it, Jesus on a fucking paddleboard, look out.

Look at him. Go. Come on, get get the fuck. Go, go do.

That guy's a different cut of human. Yeah, for sure.

He is like I look at that like he also will jump out of a helicopter onto a wave. Yeah.

Like, like there's I look at all the different types of men and I go I, there's a lot of men I couldn't relate to and then they go well standups one of the most scary things in the world.

You're like, not at all.

Well, I would much rather that is, you know, someone's perspective for sure. Subjectively, they go there's nothing more terrifying than standing in front of 2000 people alone.

That is for some people.

Yeah, but have you ever thought about what I mean, again, just scientifically studying the fact that he and Gabby Reece have kids like that?

They're both these like specimen's athletes, super athletes.

I mean, I'm amazed like what their kids must.

I mean, I know they have multiple kids, but like when their kids become adults, I bet they're all just going to be freaks, basically.

Right. Like physical with crazy. I just talked to the FBI the other day. You did? Yeah. Yeah. By the way, as a Florida state kid, it was like like a highlight. Like, I was like I was so fucking excited. I want to know what her freshman year was like. Like where she lived, like all the all the weird stuff about going for state, you know, what they've done, which I have not good at which I as a parent you go I'm not really good at.

They didn't pressure their kids into anything. They wanted their kids to find their own way. Yeah, that's great. Because that's who they were. Their parents didn't pressure them. Yeah.

And I was like, I would not be like if I had kids that had the the fucking genetics of Laird Hamilton and Gabby Reese, I'd be like, we're up at 6:00 in the morning and we are doing babies starting now, like we are getting fucking raped.

They probably already naturally are.

I think they're I think they're kids. You know, Gabby, Gabby, which is interesting, we didn't get into volleyball until, like, her senior year of high school. Really like she didn't and she didn't was she was like I wasn't even really that good. I was just tall. She was like I kind of didn't like I wasn't really passionate about it until I got into it. And I was like, OK, I can get into it.

She's a really fascinating person. What would you as a podcast, podcast on broadcast.

We did a Zune. Why do I start?

Was that why do I stutter? When I was that sentence, she and I've watched so many videos of her and fucking Laird.

Yeah. Of her and Laird.

But Jesus is coming out wrong. They do this, they do this sauna. I'm doing the sauna today where it's an extended sauna. I like one thirty five.

You do it for an hour and she, they do this on a cold polar plunge which I do a version of and she's like you should come over and do it. And I was like, oh, I'd love to. And I was so intimidated until I realized I will just bring my best buddy Tommy. Where do they live though? In Malibu. They have a house in Malibu. Oh, I thought I lived in Hawaii. They have a house in Malibu, in Hawaii too.

So me and you go we do some underwater golf. Go like kettlebell runs on the bottom, kettlebell run on the bottom. Yeah. Get in the sauna for like to at 220 with Laird on a on a fucking with some other mitts and a one of these rowing things we bring Joe we should bring Joe and then, and then we'll get ice plunge.

I love when you're gonna fantasy's just kind of run and you're like and then this guy I'll come and it's like none of that's going to hard core work.

I mean you need a hard core workout with Laird. Yeah, that would be a fun day. And then we'll we'll video it and we'll put it on.

You have a crush on Gabby. Everyone did. Everyone. I worked with her. She didn't remember it. You did. I did. A pilot with her. Yeah.

When probably like probably like five years ago.

Five years ago. She doesn't remember. She I was like, do you remember where she's like is this a trick question. I was like, no, I. So we did a pilot for Loveline. She was like, oh my God. Yeah. Once it was Loveline, maybe it was the man show. You don't remember the fucking thing, really remember the thing anyway.

But I said she told me about it was the first time I ever heard about kombucha. I said you party and she goes, no, but I'll have to come back every now and then. And I was like, I never heard a computer. And I go watch computer and she goes, There's alcohol in it. I went, Oh, cool. And so the next night I was like a six pack of kombucha breaking in.

And I was like, I can't catch a buzz from this shit.

Like, I got to drink it faster, you know?

Like, can you just please tell me you're kidding?

I swear to God. And what's even funnier is I said to the lady when I checked out of Gelson's, I said, there's alcohol in there. And she goes, yeah, technically we're supposed to ID you. And I was like, I thought she was saying it because I was older. Like, I looked like technically a good idea. I know you're twenty one. Yeah.

But she was saying technically because there's such a miniscule amount that they technically like I've said, many of these, I don't know, these field work and I didn't feel anything by the way, I've had the ones with straight up alcohol when they say it's a beer and I don't feel those.

Yeah but I. A good sign. What, you feel it. You feel. I don't know. I don't drink who.

Let's get fucked up today and go just harass people. You know, we could do get get some like some booze into me and we'll just go harass people without masks on or just scream at them from the car. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we'll get an Uber driver.

Like, look, we're going to verbally assault some people. You just be cool. Here's an extra hundred. Yeah, I like it. I like it.

I fuckhead trying to get aids.

We just keep trying to put a mask on, we just do that shit.

I like that idea. I would love I'm curious of when I start drinking again. What is your guess.

Um, I want to do a big zoom party call. They said they can do a zoom with three thousand people and I was like, I would love to do that and do like a happy hour with 3000 people we're talking about.

We got to have an end of quarantine party, OK, you know, I mean, yeah. When you want to do it, when the waiter. You inviting me? Are you telling me. Of course you're invited.

OK, like at your house you're talking about like what. Maybe I got into this. Why do quick.

What are you thinking when you say end of quarantine party? I'm thinking of, like, throwing a party to celebrate your house. Yeah, yeah, I'm in. Yeah, yeah. And then, like but I mean, what will really Taiwan, you know.

Oh yeah. Yeah. I think little people there get some Brad Williams and other dwarves, little people there. Some of your favorite seven favorites.

So when do you want to do this?

I mean I mean, Gavin Newsom, by the way, who will be our president one day is, oh, boy, am I getting a lot of text about what just everything.

Steve Hofstetter hit me, hit me up the sweet. When they say we're going to be out of quarantine, they say that they're going to lock out. Stay at home is ending in May.

May 15th is the current bill that's a month away. We don't know what's going to happen to if I don't drink for another month, my liver is back to it's my manager. My, my my liver is back to normal.

Yup, says Dr. Drew. OK, kind of kind of said that he said, well, he said it starts rejuvenating yourself.

Let me see. Call Dr. Drew in to see what my liver gets back to normal.

Let's get this. Sixty days. Oh shit.

I have a conference call at noon. Oh, that's thirty minutes away. You're good. Yeah. I'll tell them I'm 30 days sober, OK? By the way, we lost a thousand people here, buddy. Hey, buddy, I'm recording this call.

This is two there's one cave and with Bird Krischer right now is but the big guy drinks a lot. Hey, big boy.

Oh, yeah. He is between 20 and 30 days sober.

My thirty one month, 52 minutes and twenty seven seconds sober. He's sober for a month now.

I know just by the time he very serious about it.

Very he's got to, he's got an app. He said he understands why AA works. I do understand Drew, literally last night at thirty days we lost a thousand people that all stopped drinking on the same day. A thousand people started drinking last night.

Oh, I know, right? Yeah. But here's the deal. Even though Burt now understands how it works, he has no intention of doing it. No, no. Yeah. No, not doing no, no, no, no.

He has absolutely no intention of doing it. But actually we're trying to figure out when I can start drinking.

Yeah, he's trying to he's trying to plan when to start drinking again. I told him that, you know, they extended the stay at home in L.A. till May 15th. And he's like, if I can go till May 15th, another month, my liver will be completely back to normal.

And I was like, OK, well, we can't go without doing some testing, OK? Because he may have fibrosis.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang up on him. Hang up on him. I don't fucking want to hear this thing. You have it. I'm here. You're right. If you just had fatty liver, it should be pretty good at about two months. Here you go. That's true. Yeah. That's if you have just fatty liver. Yeah I do. Fibrocystic or something as well. Which is which. Which means what.

Which means what. Which means the liver started to scar. Yeah. That's what happens after the information from fatty liver. That is sort of an irreversible process. OK then and then. And then. And then.

So why the fuck did anyone call you. You ever like you're like Johnny Bad.

I'm so, so the point is like maybe he should just extend that sobriety period for a little.

Well if I got fibrosis then I might as well just fucking start drinking again. Right, Drew? No, wrong. Because I because it can be very, very slow. Unless you drink that it can be very, very fast. Oh great. So so we define a lifetime with a little. Right. OK, what about this one.

Not that he feels regular pain in his kidney areas. Is that something to think about. Stop, stop, stop. I don't even want to know what that sounds like, Drew. I have never had elevated enzymes in my life.

Oh, my liver. That's not that's not a great way to assess the liver. It just it's it's if they're high, they tell you something. If they're low, they necessarily say anything. So you need like an ultrasound of your liver to know for sure what's going on. What about MRI or a CAT scan of his brain just to see like what kind of, you know, frontal lobe damage, I'm afraid, with them go tomorrow?

Because a lot.

All right. Well, do you schedule an MRI?

And hey, guess we just got uninvited to the party, Drew, but here's the deal. It was a Birch's told me a couple of days ago that it's easy for him now because with the lockdown, there's no fear of missing out. Yeah, yeah. He's your friend. So just take advantage of the extended lockdown. Yeah, I got it.

But we're talking about throwing a party, which is my foma, which I want to drink at. Yeah, you're going to the party. Wow. There's a lot. No, no, no. At the end of quarantine. Yeah.

But Gathering's, you're not going to be allowed more than ten people for a while. It's me and Tom. All right.

We're thinking of getting a couple, you know, think about any other ways you can thunder down. How good are you coming out. Tell me. Touring doesn't start again till fall. Twenty one. Yeah I know that there will be I the possibility of things getting better. Quick fix. Give us good news.

Give us good. No. Yeah. We're current planning. What's good news. Good news is you know that in California we're doing amazing. We're supposed to sing like crazy. Therapeutics are really looking very encouraging. I hope my peers are getting lots of interesting improvisations under their belt where they are learning new ways to attack this thing. They're really working it to see it might be a seasonal virus. It might go away during the summer. Vaccines are accelerating.

I'm listening to a lecture on the vaccine right now to try to figure out how fast it come. And and, you know, the way out is with the social distancing of the mass and the hand handwash yourself. And that might be very, very, very effective. That's cool.

And is it true that Persians need to worry more than anybody else? Who Persians. I'm trying to unfollowing, but I'm not getting, obviously, are they more prone to getting it or. No, I'm not going anywhere. OK. All right. Just checking. Just checking. Just father and brother. All right. Well, thank you for the intel work. Thanks for the good mood. We're going to try to heal Bert soon. Thank you.

Thank you, Dr. Drew.

Hey, Drew. Drew, what can I take to heal my liver quicker? I had nothing to it. And every time I tried to get the blood flow through, it would exercise a good idea that will help. There you go. Otherwise, all that nonsense about this whole oil and all this stuff really doesn't do anything. Just kind of I'm just you know, sometimes it's NZD that I'll look into a little bit for you that maybe, maybe, maybe.

But just don't drink this thing, OK?

OK, great. Awesome. Thanks.

Appreciate it. One time. That is a fun way to end the episode.

One time I walked into a GNC and I said to the guy, I said, yeah, I'm looking for something to kind of like help heal my liver.

And the guy looked at me, Indian guy, and he goes, You need to quit drinking, man.

And I went. I'm sorry. And I was like, how do you know that I drink? And he goes, why'd you come in at GNC and ask, I need your liver, you need to quit drinking, that's all. And I went, wait, hold on. You don't have this like a vitamin. He quit drinking and just went back to the desk.

And I went I told him, I said, you're going to get hurt real bad.

Am I doing it right?

The close that hat is fire. It's not out yet. So I've never been asked more about those.

Lianne's going crazy. He's like, all I get are fucking emails about that. God damn.

It's going to be. May is what we know for sure now. Yeah, and it's going to I think we should actually get together and do like an IG live to announce that it's in because it's going to go immediately, OK? I should do something like social media.

Let's do an Instagram. Have you two been doing a lot of it? In my view. Yeah. Celebrities? No, I did one with David Arquette the other day. Yeah. Family fun.

He goes, he's like, man, I go, you drink and he goes, Nah man, I'm fucking sober. And I said, oh nice. How how long. And he goes like two days. But, you know, like, oh that's why I love David Arquette.

Yeah. Yeah. The Yeah. We should do an Instagram live and then we shoot. You want to do a zoom meeting with three thousand people.

I'll let you handle that and then we're gonna have a party at your house. I think so. On May.

Let's just see how this develops. But yeah. Plan on it. And then what is I'm like I'm in really great shape right now. I'm looking good. I'm feeling good. I'm trying to get heard healthy. That's my new thing. Heard healthy. Yeah. Because that's what they're talking about. Herd immunity is that they're going to at one point they're just going to be like, all right, forget let's start life up, back up again and we're just going to thin out the herd.

That's that's what I mean. Type in herd immunity real quick, because that's like the big thing they're talking about now is going, fuck, yeah.

You just go back in this crowd. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Amber heard human immunity. Herd immunity, the resistance to the spread of contagious disease, suddenly high proportion of individuals mean disease, especially through vaccination. But what they're talking about is just opening up things again and just saying, who dies? I'll go out and let's just roll the dice that young people don't die like crazy. By the way, I'm paraphrasing.

I'm not certain that's what that's me barely listening to because it doesn't really say that there.

But I like it.

But but I by the way, I just want to point out that I listened to amazing know that we barely got to know me.

Hold on. I stopped at fucking third grade.

I'm going to start the clock. I'm going to tell you a one minute story. If I can do a one minute story on time, that means I've listened.

OK, I'm ready. Set. Go Tom Cigarroa was born to Forrest Gump and Frita, they were they lived very early in Cincinnati where he was born, and then he moved to Minnesota, where he found his love of football, started going to football camps with such stars as Chris Collinsworth and got back that up.

Rich Gannon. Tom then moved down to Florida where you met. He missed the move.

You move back to Cincinnati, you know, you move to Indiana, Milwaukee, Waukesha, Milwaukee, Milwaukee was next. What the fuck did you do in Milwaukee?

I was a fucking kid. I went to school and then he moved down to a very multicultural group of friends.

Three black dudes, two Indians and the Asian, and they were called the mathlete, and then him and Charlie went to South Carolina and partied in in Iraq and slept on the beach.

Tom kicked a dude in the leg, smacked this chick in the ass, and that's where we met. What was the name of the drinking? Tom. Tom. Tommy two two times. Tommy, Tommy two times. Buns, Bundes.

Tommy Buns Tommy's personality.

That was a minute 12. I feel like I was at fucking three minutes. Yeah, we did.

All right, guys, here's what I'm going to say. Let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up. My goal in this podcast is to start listening more. I'm not going to change Bertus interruptus, but I'm going to start listening more. OK, OK. That's my goal in this podcast.

My goal is to point out how often he doesn't do that. OK, that's totally, totally cool.

You know, we should do at the end of every episode what what did we learn about each other. OK, ok. All right. So you start with me. What did you learn about why don't we try on the next episode?

Why? OK, what did I learn about you?

I learned today that I just interrupted you.

I learned that Tom needed to fight for his personality, and that is why we got blessed with the guy we have today, a guy who just wants you to notice him but doesn't want to interrupt you because he understands that Vietnam is a lot harder. Mom, understand that the American culture is confusing, but I do want you to be hurt. I want to be heard. That's pretty good. Pretty good.

I learned that you have more health problems that I'm aware of and that you the amount of times that you can cite shitting yourself is really alarming.

But you also are a lot of the reasons why you are the way you are for sure, because I don't think that you were actually seen and paid attention to that much, you know, like when you got picked up from tennis camp and you fucking shit all over yourself and that you're drinking really brings out the the personality that you want people to see you as having fun and you don't want it to ever stop and just keep the party going. Let the buzz roll on.

Yeah. And your liver will heal itself.

First we go. There we go. And I'm 30 days sober unless it's scarring. All right. So that's it for us.

If mine's scarring your scarring. I'm Tom.

He's special needs and we will be back very soon. Watch. Hey, big boy. Ball Hog and our friend Crystal, he has no pain out on Netflix.

And see if you can figure out the joke we talked about a little bit, if you can tie it together. Yup. And then if you can hit us up, by the way, even if you find it funny and you can edit together the three of our specials into a joke you find funny, hey, hit us up with it. I would love to see the person that can edit the three together and get it get it right.

That'll be great. Yeah. All right. That's it. That's it. I love you. I love you too. Bye bye.

Bye Birdie. Which one goes topless while the other wears the shirt? Tom tells stories in bird snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call there's. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what we so there's one case.