Happy Scribe

This episode of Two Bears is brought to you by Satava, the only online luxury mattress company that provides you free delivery, setup and mattress removal, go to Satava dotcom y.


M.H. and get a hundred dollars off any purchase of five hundred dollars or more. Let's start to show you this, this is this is expected to become very, very hot and looking good. Looking good. He's burned. Krischer, I'm sorry, just put the pedal to the metal and is a perfect way to start off the show. About 12 years in the making. It's going to be a fucking shit show, but everyone's going to it's going to be a hundred percent.


It's important the way it's important the way this is posted. So I'm going to tweet this by may have to delete it immediately because I need it to be tweeted the right way. Let's tweet it, OK? Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.


Delete, delete, delete, tweet, delete, tweet, tweet, tweet, delete, tweet. OK, it's not coming up that way either. Don't know why. See? Let's see. Let's try it this way. Um, image, let's see. OK. Hey, Justin Bieber, just postpone his summer tour due to the pandemic for real, I guess. I'm trying to get this awesome tweet shared, let's just see if if it doesn't work this way, then we'll just post it.


Bam, bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam. All right. First of all, tweet. Hold on. No, that's deleted to delete, tweet, delete, delete, delete, tweet, delete, tweet. All right. Hang on. Let me talk to my source in Phuket. What's happening? I'm having so much fun. I've got a tweet. I'm posting Phuket. I'm just going to post it where you can see the dick.


Happy April Fools, everybody. OK, you ready for the tweet, give me your phone. Yeah, OK, I'm on Twitter. Yeah, pull up Twitter. This is the tweet I'm sending out today for April Fool's. OK, hold on.


Just so that's clear, from the moment I got here, you've been sitting here giggling and being like, I just got to get ready to post it. I just got to get ready to post it. Hold on a second. Delete tweet, tweet, tweet, delete tweet. Hold on. I'm really excited about this tweet right now.


OK, I thought I'd share. So are you on Twitter OK? Yes, this is it.


I thought I'd share the rejected artwork for the billboards we put up for my special. Do you like it? Yeah, great, great. I spent all night working on it. Yeah. So do you sit on your couch like that? Oh my God, it looks so good. I wonder how Two-Tone cock. No. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


Like it looks like a real light headed. I have a big that's my that scar on my dick is from my butt. That looks really light. Yeah. Yeah it was. I lit the room and so. No but like why there's so many different shades. It's been stretched out a little bit.


Have you ever had an acid. What have you had. Of course.


Would you have klap. Where'd you get it, this girlfriend, a girlfriend, gave it to you was the fucking worst, was she a whore? No, I won't say that about her. I know it's so funny, I because I have such a lot about her. I'll just say it was odd that she got it from one dude.


Dude, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. Yes, I only had sex with two people, two women at that point, two women.


And I want to make that real clear. I only had sex with two women. And so how are you?


22, it was right when I got back from Russia, and so this was your girlfriend when you had gone to Russia, you were talking about Arabs when we got here.


So can you knock off sorry?


Anyway, I've been had it backwards almost by myself. There you go. OK, there you go.


It's gone. No, it was dude, it was really hard because I got it. And what had happened? I have a test coming, by the way.


Have a contest coming for us, for me here. Well, I'm getting it today. When? Later today.


How did you get it? This is white privilege. It yeah. How did you do you think you have covered. No, no.


But it's going to tell me if I have the antibodies. Meaning have I had it because there's people who are asymptomatic, you know.


So what like how did you get that? I just called a doctor. Like a doctor. Doctor. Dr. Drew. No, but a different doctor, really. How much did it cost? Wasn't that much. How do I get one? Give me six grand.


What is push getting it tested. Obviously, you're not going to just go. I'm cool. Good luck. You're in the biz. You're in the outdoors.


Yeah, I'm going to your one. Yeah. Or I'll get you on Fuqiang one.


But I think for your house it's more on brand. If only you get tested I think.


Do you know Atlanta today. She goes she said I said something. She was, I had a nightmare. I got covid last night and I went for real. And she goes, yeah. Like I was terrified you had to take care of the girls. And I went, hold on. I go, if you got covid, I would I would have to take care of the girls. She goes for two weeks. You'd have to do either school work.


You'd have to help Georgia with her school work, like you'd have to clean the house, feed the dogs. And I was like all of a sudden I got real panicked and I was like, please let me get covered first. Please let me get covered first. I could not do what she does.


Do you think she sometimes sits quietly alone and is like, I'm a martyr.


I've oh yeah. Not even quietly. Yesterday it was out loud. It was Hudood. Did you see DAX Shepard and Kristen, Christina Belle, Kristen Bell, Kristen Bell, Kristen Bell? They were like they did Katie Couric show. And they're like, how are you guys getting along?


And they're like, not good at all. No, I didn't see that. They're like, we're fighting like cats and dogs.


We're at each other's throats. And then Zach just got up and left. No. Yeah, Zach was the funniest one because she I think Christina was going to be like at first, like, who's Christina?


Christina Belle. Kristen Bell. Kristen Bell. Kirstyn was going to be like, Yo, Kristen, Kristen, Kristen. Kristen Bell was like, I'm I'm cool. And who's Zach?


What story are you telling? You said Zach got up and left. Zach, that's no, not Zach. That's OK.


That's got up and left and was like was like we're fighting like cats and dogs and got up and like you could tell there was a little alpha dog shit going on where he was like he like made a loud noise and you could see her like, it's not funny. They're like, how long have you been fighting these? Like up until about eight minutes ago.


Wow. That was the first time, I will say, because they are a Hollywood couple. I've been wanting to say this. You and Christina should try to do like to like dethrone them as the Hollywood real down to earth couple, because that's like that's like they're like the down to earth couple. You know what? Hey, guys, no more rent for our.


Yeah. For tenants. I saw that was really fucking cool them very cool.


And then you're like Jesus, they own residential buildings party. It's like oh yeah. How much money does she make.


Well don't forget actually his podcast is like one of the biggest in the world. He's got a podcast. DAX Shepard.


Yeah, it's huge. Really. Yes. What's it called. What's it called. Armchair armchair expert. I think it's what it's called. Right. It's enormous, by the way, that was acting. I know these guys finally just wanted to get your acting was great. Is it celebrity podcasters? I've never listen to it, but I know that it's a big podcast.


It's really big. I don't know. I haven't heard either, but I know that it's really, really big.


Is it celebrity podcast where he speaks celebrity talk and talks like a therapist and all the shit he's learned through his growth as a celebrity? Or is it fucking real?


I bet it's the latter. I fucking know he sounds like you meant the former. But you met the former, not the latter. I don't know what I said. Like, do you think here's my question, do you ever think at the end he tells his editors like, hey, edit out that drinking and driving shit, I'm cool.


Like, I hope it's like like I'm I'm a I'm a little bit of a podcast snob. Yeah. Because yeah. Because I would have been doing it. I mean I've been in podcasting since it started, so like I get a little rubbed the wrong way when I see like a TV pitch as a podcast and then you see like the, the network suits put their thumb print all over it.


Well everybody was doing the backlot, at least in our world, like comedians when Conan got a podcast and then he got all the press, people were like because he was on the cover, something like top ten podcasting or like revolutionizing podcast.


Everybody was like, what are you talking about? And everyone loves Conan. They were Conan, too. I love Conan. And I bet his podcast is fantastic. He's amazing. Interviewer But I just there's something that rubs me wrong when I see celebrities get into podcasting and not really give a fuck about it. Just know that they're I'm not saying that Zach's doing this at all, but I'm saying like that when like when they go, I just need a mortgage.


Zach fucking DAX. DAX, DAX bucking DAX. I'm sorry.


I actually like DAX a lot. I actually like DAX a lot. I fucking was a huge fan of his on Ponte when punkt was out. Yeah. I loved him and punkt and then all those other shit I fucking I think he's awesome. Chipps fucking great. I'm trying to stretch Richard. I'm trying to think of he's an Idiocracy.


He's Oh he's awesome in the money. Yeah he's great in New York. He's great man. He's awesome. And I love him and Christina. Now I'm down doing it on purpose. Yeah.


Him and Christine. Kristen Bell. Yeah I think. But you guys should be thrown them.


How should we do it. Should we go to their house. No, no, no, no.


Just you guys need to reach out to people and be like Tom has a hilarious way of waking up his children.


We would never do that. Hey, no. Christina shares. That's your wife. Christina shares hilarious video of of kids serenading daddy when he got home from work.


That's right.


I remember now I just had a flashback to when he got her ASLAUG Right. By the way, that was a video. That was a great fucking video. That was a legit fucking awesome. Like I watched. I didn't know who she was. I knew she was. But like, I didn't know. I, you know, I didn't know. She's as talented as she is. Like I you celebrity get so fucking a broad stroke that you start to dislike people as celebrities and forget they're so talented.


It's I think it's like what Johnny Depp did.


Right. Was like. Yo, I get it, I'm an actor and I like that by you shouldn't worship me, I'm like I'm just a did he do that?


He wouldn't do press free shows and he going to be notoriously difficult. And I think this is back when we wanted our celebrities to be like like soft shoeing it on David Letterman. And now I think it's flip where it's like every celebrity. I would say there's a majority of celebrities aren't even that talented, you know. Yeah. And then you see someone like Kristen Bell, who is I'm talking tit's talented. She is so fucking talented.


Would you watch her stuff? Every fucking frozen. She's in frozen.


She's the fucking she's the voice of her. She's the one who sings. She sings and frozen really good. She is amazingly talented. Yeah. Dude, Kristen Bell's fucking by the way, not nothing like the Kristen Bell is fucking logit. Look at that dude logit. Can you imagine if that's your fucking mom and your mom singing your mom singing the frozen theme song.


Because I don't you. I'm Deb Kristen Bells the fucking tits in Hollywood. She is the one of the most talented people in our fucking city.


So I know that she was that show that that she just like the show. That's the great place. A good place. Great place. The good place. Good place she was. I'm Veronica Mars. Go to just the pictures and we can't read that, go to just the known for and let's see the pictures. Yeah. She prefers pictures. She was in forgetting Sarah Marshall, she was awesome.


Yeah, that's right. This dude, Kristen Bell's legit fucking talented.


Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Logit. Well, that she needs a fucking podcast now scroll down. I don't know what Central Park TV, good place to place for fucking TV work.


Jesus Christ, let's see some real fucking shit choosing Teen Titans go the movie Family Guy. Dude, the disaster artist.


What is that one? That's the one that. What's his name? Who made that girl?


Bloem, uh, Buffalo.


Sixty six. No, no, no. The other Harvey Weinstein. Now the good looking guy with his name. James Franco, he held that girl's head down, not in the movie in real life. Yeah, that can't be a part of slandering James Franco.


He goes to my spin class. I'm not slandering him. If that girl, a girl, a girl, an actress, accused him of like.


Oh, for real. Yeah, yeah. Look it up. Pull it up. Everyone's done that once, though, right? Just grab a little ponytail and be like, I'm in control. I think two women say.


Five women, but it just keeps increasing. I saw James Franco, I saw James Franco in my spin class. Yeah, I really shouldn't put this out there, but I can put it out there nonetheless because it's closed.


Yeah, I was I was going into the bathroom and there was a naked dude showering and I and the curtain was kind of open. You know, you could even say there was just a dude showering a naked.


He was naked. He was naked. OK, I guess I could say is a douche. Yeah, you do. Showering and and he I saw him kind of and I thought, that's James Franco. I didn't even see his face. I just saw his back and the side of his cheek and his beard was so recognizable.


I thought, that's James Franco. I thought that to myself. I thought and I was like, what are the odds? James Franco showering at my spin class. I go out, I put my shoes on, and fucking James Franco walks out. And dude, I am a huge James Franco fan. I think he's fucking awesome when he played James Dean in that fucking movie.


Yeah, dude, I think we should add to Burtis Interruptus, the drinking game.


I am a huge fucking fan because you're never a casual fan.


I've never anybody I've never just kind of been like Kristen Bells, the fucking. Yeah, she is Hollywood's gem. Without Kristen Bell. Hollywood not would not. I don't know how every roll doesn't go to her first. James Franco is the best actor of our generation.


Jesus Christ. Yeah, he's great. Who is it? Who's the girl? Who's had he held down? Well, by the way, James Franco is never going to like us now. Well, I'm just saying I'm not saying he did it.


I want to be clear saying that a well known actress. Are you talking about. Are you talking about blowjob hand on the back of her head type stuff? Well, that's what I thought I thought would be interesting to to pull up.


Right. If you're in a car where your hands are supposed to go, you can't put them in the steering wheel right now, like, parked. Right. You know what? Like you're supposed to go pick them up like this. Like this, right. This is on the steering wheel, this is on her head. Yeah, isn't that what yeah. Like if you're driving, if you're driving, you put your hand on the back ride. That's where it actually lands.


Yeah. Hand on the back of the head or on the base of her neck. And you grab it like this.


Wait, that's a joke. Everybody forced road head. Go, go to force Roedad. That's when he searched.


Oh, that is not how to find the result. Go to his Wikipedia page.


First off, have you ever looked anything up before, Nadav? You're the reason people hate Israelis, that people really hate Israelis, do they do? Oh, Jewish people hate Israelis. Oh, I see what you mean. There is American.


Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think everyone else in the entire fucking universe also. I mean, Palestinians aren't huge fans. I got it.


You're still Galassini. That's I'm talking about Elkadi. See what yeah, no. No. Yes, she's the one who said, wait, how old was James Franco? 15 and a former the force of oral sex? Well, they were, but I thought al Qaeda was the one who said that it was. I don't know. I'm reading the fucking article. Al Qaeda is like fucking 56, which you can't suck your dick.


No, I'm just saying it's an odd choice for James Franco to go. You know what? I'm going to go vintage this week.


I mean, maybe I'm going to go I'm going to go antiquing.


Goggle guy, I, I think that I think is a good way.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry.


Did I just come up with a new phrase of fucking objects and taking a la la la la like you may have. I think you may have. I'm going to go now, now type in James Franco, al Qaeda and you get the bigger story.


God got his he's like fucking fully tick tock.


Exactly why al Qaeda calls out Golden Globe winner James James Franco.


On Twitter, she called him out on Twitter. OK. Mm hmm. What did she say back in the day, al Qaeda could get it? She can get it now. Yeah, sure. Mm hmm. I'm on.


Yeah, mhm, maybe if you're at, uh, maybe maybe Oklahoma, set the scene, set the scene and see if you got that, OK, you're you're in an antique store, OK.


By the way, I had a fantasy this morning looking at me and drinking coffee out of a cup and I went, I feel like I'm about to fuck a divorcee who lives in Sedona like way her coffee mug was like old and big and she like a sweater on.


Yeah. I was like, oh, she's you've been with a man for it with a Y and Y.


Yeah. You have a bathtub that has a skylight.


You look at the stars at night and think about the painting you'll make the next. And you're really trying to get good with you right now. Yeah. You're just trying to be like, who am I. I'm reading a lot, I'm meditating what you need. What exactly changed down?


What if al Qaeda is a big fan of our podcast and we didn't know that? What if Christine, Kristen Bell, DAX Shepherd and al Qaeda are on a road trip right now and they're like this fucking podcast FOX James Franco is on a motorcycle?


Yeah. Oh, right down there.


I think you definitely lost Franco right there.


Franco's my guy. I'm I'm a big Franco. I remember when I saw him showering and I was like, that looks like him. By the way, Nadav looks like Seth Rogen after the quarantine.


Oh, good.


Are you so are you afraid you have to covid? No, here's the thing.


I'm I cannot be convinced that I haven't had it. I think because I, I get everything. I get sick ten times a year.


I'm always getting sick and I think it's whatever I've tested my had my immune system. It's not that I just feel like as travelers and as a. Yeah. Just a regular piece of shit. I always get sick.


I feel like I want to feel like I got it. I feel like I got it. And knowing that so many people are asymptomatic, I'm like, I just got to find out how many people are asymptomatic. A tons. Really. Yeah.


And then other people have had it and had mild reactions to it, you know, I mean like a uh a cough and and then they, they recover it.


So it affects people differently. And that's what makes me so curious.


I'm I'm, I was I'm shocked. What spooked Rogan was that Michael Yo got it.


Yeah. Because he was to he's in great shape.


Michael Yo is in great shape.


Really healthy guy takes care of himself and he ended up with pneumonia.


I traumatized my children watching his fucking where he's like, you die alone, George. It's like maybe we shouldn't be watching.


And they tell you when I've seen other stories in the news about like one lady, a nurse helped her FaceTime her mother so that she could say bye because she and then she died, you know. I liked when we were doing sexual assault stories and more fun. Jesus Christ, did you tell your kids that? I told my kids. I said, George, you wanted to go on. I wanted to go over to a friend's house. I said, no, I'm letting her go on bike rides with her friends, like they can ride bikes.


And that's fine. But not like can't hang out. Can't do anything. You can't just keep them in their fucking how they lose their goddamn Eila hasn't done anything.


Eila hasn't changed out of the same pajamas in like a week and she just is cool with it. Like she doesn't give a fuck. She likes to sleep. So to still you.


Oh, that kid sleeping.


She go to bed like 2:00 in the morning. She's up all fucking night. She doesn't wake. I mean, great.


She I don't know who knows. She. How old is she. She's 13.


She's in eighth grade going in tonight. But yeah, I just is on her own.


You know, she got like. I was telling someone the other day she wants to see we sat down to watch a movie last night. She goes, pull up Blackwater. You know what? She was Blackwater. It looks great, Dad. Type in Blackwater.


It was the this is what she wanted to watch with me last night.


It's a movie with Mark Ruffalo. Not the one with Jean-Claude Van Damme, not there's a lot of Blackwaters team with Blackwater, with Mark Ruffalo.


It's a movie about Dupont flooding the waters with I saw the trailer. It looks terrible. Why would you want to watch it?


I mean, you get into a thriller tonight, and I was like, why don't we look for something else? And she goes, All right, pull up 1917.


I go, Well, who have you been hanging out with? World War One movie. Yeah.


And then and then she was like, fine, onward. And that's the one where the dude loses half his body. Oh, no, I pitched it wrong. It's it's it's good. It's like I think like Spiderman's in it. It's a lot.


I'm really pitching it all these corporate corruption ones or I always get bummed out by that. I never can.


They're like, oh, and then they're dumping their toxic shit. Everybody got AIDS in this town. And like, I always sit there on the other side of it and go, don't snitch, man.


Just keep your job. Stay happy. Like I never side on the right side of those, like and all of them.


I'm always like, why are you fucking snitching? Yeah. Shut your fucking mouth, get your paycheck and hang out with your family. Man Go to the country club. They love you. Why are you fucking. He was good to you. He gave you a fucking job.


Exactly. If somebody gives you a job, you shut the fuck up the firm. Yeah. When Tom Cruise decides to take them down, I'm like, what are you doing, man? They're sending you to the fucking Cayman Islands once every quarter to go scuba diving.


Fucking relax, man. Take it easy. Let people steal.


I would be I would be horrible about that. I don't know if I'd snitch. Hmm, you know, when you snitch, when they when your attorney present you with either or that's how it happens. Everybody goes like I was a snitch. I was almost there. And then there's a time when your attorney sits across from you and goes, here's the deal. They're making you an offer.


You can either talk and do six months at a fucking country club jail where you can play racquetball during the day or, oh, you're going to do 35 years at a supermarket.


Thirty five years. All right. I couldn't do that. Yeah, Burt did it.


I was so quick in that I would never be the guy. I'd never be a whistleblower. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I would never be a whistleblower. At all. I just would I would want to keep it the way you think Zach would who, Zach? You mean DAX? Oh, sorry, Dax's a whistleblower. You think so? Oh, fuck. Yeah. Why? Because he's he's married to Kristen Bell. What does that have to do with, like, they're fucking good.


Oh, like he's a good guy.


He should definitely be a whistle blower. Like he's not a company man, you know. Yeah. But he seems like a guy who does his own thing.


He used to party. Man. How do you know that? I saw an interview with him when you talked about his sobriety and how much he's sober now. Yeah. And Kristen Bell smokes weed like legit vape pen. You've been doing that sound a lot. I know. I don't. Yeah, I don't know. Well, where did that come from?


I have no idea. I started to get a horse recently. You're always doing that now.


Doing a lot. Yeah. Hey, you're handing. Yeah, no, he one time he was drunk in his motorcycle, fell on his leg.


So how do you know all these things about.


I know weird facts about that DAX that that just because I like I was a fan of his, I was like a legit like I liked him. And so like an article come up, like I like that whole age of those dudes, like the.


Ashton Kutcher, DACs, that whole generation was when I thought I should have been famous, like I was like I should be getting a job or I should be working or booking something with these guys.


I thought Meum Ashton would be such close friends. Well, we are one time. One more time. At the end of my talk show, I a talk show on Fox called the show. And. That's right. I interviewed him and he came in and he was like he was like he got like a beer or something.


And I was like, yeah. And I was doing the interview. So I went in and grabbed a couple of Heineken's and I sat with him and we talked and he was the coolest fucking guy. He was like, yeah, just build a deck like that. And I was like, Really?


And he was like, yeah. And he was very down to earth. He was pitching himself a little too down to earth. Like you could tell it was a little branding, like he was like he was slamming valet's like I don't let valet's no one fucking gets in my car and drives my car to fuck. That's an L.A. thing. I'm old school. I found a parking spot and I was like, let it go.


Like I remember being like, I love Valet's and get with the Times Captain, but we had a couple of Heineken's and talked about this duck-billed at his house.


He told me where he lived and was like he used to live right off. Franklin, I think is where he said and he's like Yemen, you come over. And I was like a hundred percent. A hundred percent. I was thinking, this is when I was single too. I was like, can you imagine the pussy that gets kicked out of there, too?


I am like, and that's bugging top shelf for me. But yeah. And so like Sean. Sean, Sean. William Scott.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sean William Scott. Ashton Kutcher. I see that guy in a while. I think he has legit.


There's a. There is a huge deep dive you can do on that guy, really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.


Like there was this is getting into slander territory. Yeah, but I but I think he's had I don't think this is slander, but I think there is he had problems with drugs and alcohol pretty aggressively, like pretty aggressively like more than the average dude I think like 100 percent. Like I say I'm the average dude. What are am I getting into slander territory.


No, it's it's a fun verbal ride you just went on. But I got into a deep dive on that guy because I said, what happened to Sean William Scott?


And then I got into this huge fucking rabbit hole where I had to, like, text Jason Biggs and be like I thought I'd be friends with Jason Biggs.


Like, all those guys were, like, famous.


You texted him about about Sean. Oh, yeah. To say, like, what happened. Uh huh.


And and I think and so I said, yeah. Wait, did you get an answer? No, no, no, no, not really.


But I think I think I think Hollywood was rough on this guy.


Jason Williams got Jason Williams, got John John. This guy Williams got Scott. There's fucking Scott guy. The fucking Scott guy, you know, the one I'm talking about.


They fucking names. All right. All right, all right. I haven't drank in, like, almost 19 days. Really? Yeah. Nothing. Nothing.


Oh, I drink and smoke weed with Rogan and I don't count Xanax, but yeah. No, I'll tell you. You want to know how many days I haven't drank. I've got a timer on my phone.


OK, Sean. William Scott is I thought like myself, him, Ashton Kutcher, DAX Shepard. We'd all be boys, we'd hang out, we'd make fun of fuckin we make fun of the kid from who's the guy we make fun of. Like what's the guy from the fucking thing. Never mind goddammit. Yeah. I don't know where any of that was going.


Fashion model. But what does it say he's going now? He's a private guy, hand tattoos, got hands, had to use he married somebody last year. He has a dog named Dude.


He seems like he's doing well based off of Wikipedia. You ready? OK, 16 days, 23 hours, 21 minutes and seven seconds since you had a drink and he drank technically what's technically.


Well, I drank with Rogan, but I don't count it.


Why do you not count that? Because it was with Rogan that that doesn't make any sense.


It does its work like, you know, you got to reset that. So it's accurate.


We're not resetting it. We got 16 days. But how many days do you really have? Sixteen know. When did you drink with Rogan? Uh, last Tuesday.


You no, I don't know. Monday, last month, but Monday, so it's not 16 days or whatever, it's six. It's eight, nine, ten days, ten days, but it's 16 total.


Watch, man, that's why that's why I'm not an alcoholic, because I can like alcoholic.


I wonder, OK, you should never negotiate for yourself ever on anything, OK?


I mean, I'm taking it that LeAnn speaks up, right? When. Oh, OK.


Buying a house or a car. Oh, I bet you're like that. Whatever.


I folded so quick. Remember, we were talking about what we wanted to redo this house. Yeah. And want it like all the things we wanted to do are kind of like shifting based on the economy and like things where I was like, fuck it, I don't care. Are now shifting back to like, OK, leave it the way it is and do it. I folded so quick on that pool. Remember, I was talking to you about the pool.


I folded so quick on that fucking pool.


I actually thought because it is not crazy if you nobut he's like, I think I want to move my pool.


And I thought, I thought he meant that he was going to take the pool at his current house and have it like excavated and move.


I was like this is the dumbest fucking thing you have ever said.


But you meant I wanted to the current pool to house the new house, the new house, which I don't know if we'll ever live in, is is in a really bad spot.


It just is not my favorite spot to put a pool is just stupid. It's like someone put a pool in nineteen seventy two and it looks like it's from 90. It's by the way it's like fucking 15.


I ask you about a pool like that when you go. I want to pool first. What does that mean. Do they fill it in and just go like that becomes first off. Yeah it because you don't actually move right.


No, no, no. Yeah.


You they tear the pool out, they rip it out, rip out the rebirth, basically fill that with dirt where.


No, no, no, no, no, no. This is why initially I was like move the pool. And they're like it's going to cost a lot of money. I said, I don't care, I'm not going to live in the house. I'm going to live in for the rest of my life with the pool where it is. I don't like it there. I want it to be where I want it to be, like I want it.


It's it's like if the house is here, the pools here up against the fence, you're like, why wouldn't it be in the middle of the yard where you walk out into the backyard? You see the jeep.


Yeah. Yeah. And so they're like, it's going to cost a lot. I was like, I don't care. I don't care. I just whatever it costs, just do it. Don't tell me what it costs because if you tell me what it costs, I won't want to do it. But and I'll tell you why, because whatever we spent on this pool right now is someone's made fun of me because it's not the biggest pool. It's it's like I'm in it every fucking day.


You love your pool. I love it. I love it more than anything. And I suddenly and it doesn't matter when you're going to use something every single day. Cost doesn't matter. It's a part of your life. It lifestyle. It makes you happy. Right. I get in the pool every fucking night, every hour, every morning, every night. And I get in it and I look up at the King Palm and I sit back and I feel like I'm taking a vacation.


I don't think about anything. I love it. So I said, listen, I don't care what the price is, let's move the fucking pool. I want to be in it every single day. And then they told me the price and I was like, all right, I can live with the poleward. I mean, you got to tear out that pool then not just filled in with dirt.


You've got to regrade all. You've got to take all the dirt out everywhere right in the whole backyard. You got to do remove all the dirt and then replace it. Because if you just dig out and try to pack this, this dirt dirt isn't stable anymore.


Don't you wish you made one of the those types, like the the guy like those shows where they go, we're going to redo this house. And you knew how to do all those things. What's the one where it's the couple. I mean, where she's like chipping Joanna. Yes. And she's always like, you're a fucking idiot. He's like, I love you.


Oh, wow. I'm just a good old boy having a good old time with a brick. Not a joke.


Actually, their whole vibe is he's like, I can't believe she left me fucker. And then and then her she's just like, I can't believe I fucked this guy. That's how they come across on every episode.


Yeah, but don't you admire that? He's like he's like, yeah, I'll just fucking build a whole new wing onto this thing and then he just does it in the like.


But that's the whole mantra. So they doubled down on Waco. They're doing houses in Waco, Texas.


There's so many articles about she's so dismissive of him.


I think she's I think she's sexy as fuck. Yeah, she is.


But I'm saying she's always just like, oh, I like her vibe is like I'm stuck. Yeah.


But I think that's you know what?


I really think they got into television at the time where where scripts told them who they were I think, and said like dictated the like, you know what works for us a little bit like in the.


She hates your guts. You can't believe. Yeah. You can't believe you're lucky enough to be married to her. Yeah. And then you need to be a little more and I think I think they just leaned into it. I don't. I think they would argue with that they go, this is our relationship, but I guarantee you, no. Yeah, I wish it I, I can't I can't watch your show and I'm not a big fan of the show, to be honest with you.


I am more attached to I'm not an HDTV guy. I'm a DIY guy. I like DIY is a lot of the real people doing it themselves so I can connect with that so I can't do any of those things.


Oh, anything. I'm such a fucking incompetent shit when it comes from anything handy.


I mean, I've had I've called people to come to the house and then they've been like. Just push that and I'm like, oh, sorry, and they're like, it's OK, do you fantasize when you see, like, building off the grid or main cabin builders? Yeah, all that shit. When I look at that and go. Last night I watched the building off the grid in South Carolina with this guy who was in love with collared shirts, apparently.


Yeah. That's all he fucking wore was collared shirts to do all his work in.


And and I fantasized about like I would love I said, listen, why the fuck are we here?


Let's go to the fucking let's build a UAT. I've seen so many years been build a what, a year. What's that? It's it's like a pull up your it's easier to show you than explain to you, but it's basically a pop up tent that they come like preassembled. They come where all you got to do is assemble them, you've got to build the foundation. But then you just kind of like like that in your yard.


No, I want to put it in the mountains and then live in a UAT. I lived in it. I went up and started a urate. It's like 8000 feet. Seven thousand feet in Idaho. I think it was in Idaho.


I Fanis, I hope that my kids don't like camping that don't like camping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Y you don't like camping.


I hate camping. I love, I love, I love the first night of camping. I hate the next morning when you're hungover and you're like wow, I didn't sleep at all. Yeah. And you're like wow my balls smell like fucking wolf.


I was scratching my ass the other day like really scratching it. And then I was in bed, I got distracted and I was like, oh, you know what they should do to Christine? And she goes, What? I go, they should flatten your nose out like I would. I would love them. And I went like that.


And I flattened her nose and she was like, What the fuck? And I guess what she was she was did you just scratch your ass? And I was like, oh yeah, a while ago she was like, could you not rub it all over my face?


And I go, Oh, I did it. She goes, You just push me back. I'm doing it again and I'm putting it on Instagram. Yeah. You know, it'd be great if they flatten your nose out like it was flat and just like have a real you got to get a good.


Oh, I showered for the first time in a week today.


Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.


I mean I we using your same alcohol counter. Is it actually it might be two weeks. I haven't been showering a lot so I've been getting in the pool and I count those showers.


So I'm like that is one of you know that is viewed as one of your gnarliest traits.


Right, not showering.


People have decided that the brand is really gross and they go Birte pool showers in the pool, job pool, shower a whole lot.


Is it a saltwater pool, chlorine and then it off in the hose. And that's a shower show. No, no soap in any part of the wash off the bad stinky parts. But how do you wash it just shows you hose it out. But that's not washing though. Yeah but I'm not using so. But what is soap. Technically. What, what. I mean like is anyone, is there anybody, any scientific facts on like soap is better for you than just rinsing.


I think we know that soap is antibacterial. Not that's all of it. Like, not like the what today soaps are made from fats and oils. So you're just saying I'm rubbing fats and oils on my body and then and that's better for me than the soap used in the shower is not antibacterial.


No, just no, it's just it's just and oils.


So I think I think you get just a good shower with a hose.


I look, you always have real strong arguments, but I don't know if that was. So what's what's the base made up of soap. Look, fats and oils, Mel. Fats, oils, glycerin and natural ingredients, yes, Sam, pontification is.


It's alkaline, but is is is soap is soap just inherently antibacterial?


No, no, there's antibacterial soap and then there's soap. Soap. You dial is an antibiotic tiepin is Dayal antibacterial.


Dow was made antibacterial, but not anymore. What does it say and not anymore? Yes says now its ingredients of benzo Floreat Mean and Bend's laparotomy antimicrobial.


It's antimicrobial, very different, healthier skin, healthier for you. They basically want you to rub shit into your skin so that you feel cleaner.


But now I know there's a lot of gross pigs out there who like they live like like an anti lifestyle. You know, like I don't live in L.A. I know, but I just go, you know. No, I'm I'm pro deodorant. I'm pro deodorant, not antiperspirant.


You know what I'm really like right now? What, dry spray deodorant. Oh, I only got into it like a couple of months ago.


Have you ever used dry shampoo? No, that's fucking. Oh, look at this head.


Do you think I really need. Oh yeah. Yeah. Are you are you done. You're not going to get hair transplants now.


I thought about because I'm a comedian I don't feel like it fucking. But it is depressed depressing you to get older. No, I had suppressed getting older now I've always felt like I was old so. Really. Yeah I just feel like it.


I actually feel like I'm coming more into my self that I'll be like at fifty. I was like that's how I always thought you were. Yeah.


Does, does it bum you out when you hear Christina talk about aging because she's older than you and that's older than me. We both married older women. Yeah. Does it bum you out when she talks about like like oh I'm going to be forty or whatever. Yeah. And you're like stop. Like I was going to Leeann. Leeann keeps going and started telling everyone I'm fifty. I go, you're not fifty. She goes, yeah I know, but I'm going to be fifty.


I go, No, don't say that. That's really sad. Like don't say that. Like if you say I go does it out to be turning fifty.


No she loves it. Oh she does fucking loves it. She's like I've always been an old soul and I was like say if you tell her when you're 50 that's fine, just make sure to go. He's not, he's forty seven. He's a lot younger than me. Like just point out I'm younger.


You're old. This doesn't sound like what you brought up is what is the point.


You were I don't know what I was trying to make. So do you. Who's older. Kristen, Kristen Bell and DAX. Who do you think I Gox's probably 10 years older than her? I don't think so. She's got to be 20. She got to be thirty two. He's easily forty five.


She's thirty nine. Whoa, he's forty five. You're now nailed that. Yeah. Jim born January 2nd. Nineteen seventy five. OK, thirty nine. She does not look thirty nine. Maybe she does maybe in Deena Menzel.


That is the other voice in Frozen.


Oh. She's fucking amazing. What would you rather do, be able to sing or dance? Oh, sing, right? Yeah, I would love to be able to just the kind of voice to give us a give us a sample. Right. Pick us all up.


How about.


God bless America. How about a more of a pop song, God Bless America.


I have a great fucking voice. I'm thinking more like something like in Vogue or something, you know, or Rihanna or something.


I don't know. Give me a song real quick. Give me the lyrics to a song. I'ma improv it. Pick out a song that I know you're never going to get it.


Buy in vogue, OK? Never going to get you, never gonna get it, they're never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get never gonna get them.


And I'm never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. And. Not this time. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it.


I remember how it used to be. You never was this nice.


You can't fool me now you're making me change. The more you talk, the more things sound the same. What makes you think you can get back into her life?


I don't. I don't remember how. No, that was really good. I remember how the chorus goes. No, no, I think we're good there. Do this.


Pull up a song, pull up a song and I will freestyle it. And and I will. Like, pick up a song, I don't know, like some something from from like Bieber, someone who's hot, like what's the girl's name that married dated Pete Davidson.


Ariana Gondo. Oh, Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande. They just pick out anything that I don't know, like I don't know the lyrics to. I already know that. Thank you. Next year. You know that song. I think I do.


OK, just Ariana Grande, the lyrics. There you go. OK. Pick one of those songs there. How about, I don't know, no tears. I don't know that song, so, OK, so I'm a freestyler. OK, now let's do a duet. Huh? Let's do a duet, right, there are no tears left. All right, you know, I feel like I feel like this is really your time to shine, OK?


I mean, do you want to throw to you can you help me with the chorus? Oh, OK. Well, let's go to the chorus. The chorus is I'm picking it up pick. I'm no, I'm picking it up. Picking it up. Love in my living room, turning it up but giving it up. We're turning it up.


Wait a minute. Wait a minute.


You're coughing a lot for a healthy person. Well, I'm not I'm not healthy right now. I'm in a state of my. And I want to be in, like, all the time, I ain't got no tears left to cry. So I'm picking it up, I'm picking it up, I'm loving, I'm loving, I'm picking it up and picking it up and picking it up. I'm loving, I'm leaving.


I'm picking it up. Oh, yes, I. I'm picking it up, picking it up. Let me turn it up, turn into a God, no tears in my body.


I ran out, boy, but boy, I like it, I like it. I like it. No matter how well who tries it. We're out here.


Fabin vibe and we vibe that we've been come on out even when it's raining down.


Can't stop, can't shut your mouth, shut your mouth. And baby, you know, I mean, that state of.


What do you think that was really, really impressive. Yeah, you know what it reminds me of how natural you you just are really good at impressions.


I feel really good, right? Yeah. Let's take a let's take a freestyle. Let's freestyle.


Well, I think we're good. I think I think we did it. I think I think we could shift to impression's if you want to go back there.


I always good for a couple of impressions. Or we can do take a freestyle beat from Schamus and both throw some freestyle down. Oh, I see what you mean. Yeah, I got I wonder if I saved them under Schamus. Did you see this pussy challenge where people jump on the phone with. I thought that was a while ago, was it? Yeah. Oh yeah. It was right. Yeah. But you guys were group texting that last night.


Do you like that? Yeah, I do.


What part of it already said, stop, stop, stop. It's like saying the N-word in my ear. OK, all right. You ready? I'm going to send its unit off and then you play it and then we're going to freestyle to it. OK, I'm not freestyle. What are you talking about?


We're definitely fucking freestyle and we're definitely freestyle. Nadav, I'm texting you right now. What are you texting? A beat as I get beats from a lot of times. Schamus from Qasar face. Yeah.


So our face, he'll, he'll, he'll like he really worship, not worships, but he respects my, my bars and so I'll spit bars to him and he'll be like thanks man. I needed that right now. So he'll tell me he sent me, he sends me beats. You don't get beat.


No you don't get beats from Shamis. I don't get beaten. Schamus here I'll send you a couple Nadaf and then you pick the one that you like the best.


Do we have to go yet. No, no. We got plenty of time.


Let's see. On my post is doing on Instagram. Oh yeah. On Twitter. Do you think you put it on Instagram.


I put it on Instagram but Instagram pulled it down already. I'm sure they did. You got beat. Who? Hmm. Instagram, I'll tell you how many likes it's gotten, it's not doing very well on Instagram now.


No, because not everyone swiping, they don't know what to do.


They're like, oh, cool. I don't care if doing well on your on Twitter thrill. Yeah. Let's see. All right.


Let's do some freestyle. I really I really don't think that's going to happen. You ready? I'm ready to listen. Do you feel like I'm a I'm a I'm just at the show.


Go ahead. Oh, uh, we'll go back and forth.


Right. OK, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the machine and I'm with Big Tommy buns.


We do two bears, one cave, have lots of fun. Sometimes we run trains on comedy. You don't know him, but you better know me. My name is Bird. I like to squirt. If you happens quick it will not hurt. I like to do that. Never jump ma'am. Rembrandt. Rembrandt. I'm not man. Go Tommy. I'll pass the flow to you and you pick it up like a penny and a Jew go. I really enjoyed that.


Come on, go on. Here we go. Here we go. His name. His name already. Oh we got ok. OK, he's Tom Sagara.


He's Allura and I know that you got it. That was awesome.


OK, I think you have, I think you have a natural skill at this. OK. Yeah. Good. Yeah I have the power play. Right. Go ahead. This is OK. Let me see, let's see, I think my favorite, when you would have said, oh yeah, don't it? Why are you here? I love you. So you write these down.


These are pre written. I pre wrote some freestyles, OK, and then I got out. I just got to find them because I, I take so many fucking.


What did you start doing this you've been, um. I mean, I do it in my car. You start, like, just wrapping yourself.


I just got to find if I type in machine, I don't pick come up. Because I'm sure I've ripped I've wrapped machine. How many times do that, hmm, machine do people yell machine to you? Yeah, like when you're walking down the street.


Yeah, I love it. You love it. I fucking love it. Uh, yeah.


What is your rapper name? Yeah, here we go. Do you have one? Yeah, Rabani. Yeah, what is it? It's Agrippina lips. So are we going to get your actual your written lyrics? We're going to try, OK? By the way, these are just these are freestyles that I just voiced dictated. So, yeah, same freebie. All right.


The same beat, no. OK, OK, I'm going to give I'll give them to you guys. OK, um.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm getting my timing down. Here we go. Oh, here we go. Started right at the top right now. I'm forty seven years young and they call me the machine party hard at night spin classes in the.


OK, I messed it up to get really good.


All right. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah. All right. Pick it up at the top. Yeah. Yeah.


Oh oh.


Um, here we go. Forty seven years, John.


They call me the machine party hard at night. Spin class is Mickey Mantle. Jean every time.


Oh, you like that. You like that. OK, here we go.


Oh, hitting the road in the tour bus champ giving out chest damn quick.


I don't think there's any rapper that talks about the travel. Tell us what happened to the lip. I read about it. Can I do them? No, no, I. No, that's a good one. Come on, stop Corvin with the covid.


Sorry, I'm not even going to look at them.


OK, but you got to fucking for real. I'm an old for high performance. Yeah. OK, ok. There's the top one I didn't use either.


I don't know what that says. OK, yeah. OK, I turn my headphones up, man.


Forty seven years young, they call me the machine party hard at night, spin class in the morning with the Mickey Mantle gene hitting the road on the tour bus champ giving out just quit work.


Travel Channel 44 and I'm on my second sold out, sold out world tour.


There we go. Body shots first, birdie boy second and end up in Moscow. St. Petersburg checking San Jose, SAC Town in Bakersfield, taking off my shirt.


So, you know, I keep it real. Oh, yeah. So the girls get pussy. Feels not racist. Not even a little bit. I take that back. I'm not a fan of inwith never met one, but I really want to. Three months ago I got dragged by a Jew to kill three dogs and a cat full head of hair. Now that's just bullshit. Yeah, that's why they get so bad. You're a lyricist.


Tell me you don't love the line. Tell me no lies. Not racist, not even a little bit. I take that back.


I'm not a big fan of is that was your best friend. Oh that was really good.


But I'm really proud of you. Never met one but I really want to. Three months ago I got drugged by you.


By the way, do you notice that I would edit on the fly. It was really good of all your misso. Maybe.


Maybe that's what. Maybe that's what we do is all right. The freestyles you wrap them. OK, I'll be Ice Cube you bsee. OK. OK. Yeah. Like it. Yeah.


And then we'll put an album. This is going to be a huge hit.


I think so we'll have our wives do it. We'll do sketches, skits like by the way I've never I got so I feel like I have, I got so many questions about the two bears hat like on all my social media.


I got private ones of of dudes hitting me up going like, hey man, for real. What the deal with OK, I've never had anything like that.


Here's what. So yesterday I hit up. Ah boy. Uh, you know, at the hat company. Yeah.


And I was like, hey, what's up guys. Like Solid is.


Oh just I you just touched it with your and you can lighten up intuits today. Yeah.


You really are. Um I said what's the deal. So I paid for the hats and I sent you them. Yeah. Yeah they were that like I don't know, ten days ago I go are they in route. And he goes let me check.


And then he goes oh did you request them to come in July. And I was like Of course not. Why would I do that. Yeah.


And he goes, I think he goes, I'm checking out two things right now. One is that it was mistakenly ordered later.


Oh, that burns. Yeah. I don't know if I would've done fucked up burns.


He put he put hand sanitizer in his eyes itched and I just. It's all right.


Go back. That'll help. Oh by the way, keep going with that. I'm so impressed, Todd. I'm so impressed by our freestyle ability to get you did as a team.


As a team. You did it. I write the rhymes. You spit the lyrics. Yeah. I mean, I thought you were great.


Can we can we do a can we do it like a legit rap video.


Let me finish. OK, so I already I forgot so I said, oh that's fucking crazy. We don't want to wait till July. We, you know, we ordered them. So he said it either was mistakenly put in or he said it's possible that because of all the layoffs and the fire, you know, people know that everything is delayed. Here's the thing. We don't know what the answer is yet, but I'm going to find out and I'll report back.


That's my update. OK, all right. So, yeah, I was just trying to tell people because I got asked so much. Oh, yeah. OK, now what were you saying? I have no idea.


I have no idea. I'm sweating.


I'm sweating because you feel like you're I think this has been one of our best episodes because of the rapping. Because of the rapping I think. Oh no, no, no. I think I like I, I've been obsessed.


Why do you have a chest cold? No, I have allergies and my allergies are fucking insane right now. Do you have an asthma inhaler?


I don't have it. Aspen Hill. I have I didn't want to using it and I felt like I was short of breath. I was like, dude, I'm getting the fucking covid. I told them, this is how every day works for me.


I swear to God I wake up, I feel amazing, feel amazing, have a cup of coffee, feel great. Right now. This is like my emotional high of the day right now. Right now it's like especially.


This podcast has been like a lifesaver because it's the one time I get out of the house to go hang out with you, and then it's been like if George got upset because at least you get to go hang out with Tommy.


Like I was like when she wanted to go on bike rides.


Right. Are they not leaving the house at all?


No, that's George. You can go on bike rides, but she can't go and hang out at someone's house. Right. And so she goes, well, you get to go hang out with Tommy. I go, yeah, we're both grown ups. We're making money. This pays for our living expenses. This is our podcast is what we do. And I really believe it's a service that we're providing for people that are stuck at home. We're creating entertainment.


We have a very minuscule Q crew. It's like four of us. And so it's within the guidelines of what they've asked. And this is our job.


She was like, it doesn't do you all you guys do is laugh because she was watching the video. Yeah. She goes, that's not a job, Dad. That's you. Laughing Tom says a word and you laugh and I go, Yeah, that's my fucking job. Yeah. She's like, well, not fair. I want to go laugh with my friends. I go, Yeah, you don't get paid to laugh with your friends. That's true.


I also would say that I watched you falling out of the chair 25 times. I watched it.


I watched it probably one hundred and my daughters both. I told you I walked in on them watching it alone in the room, especially the Instagram version where it's bleeped. Yeah. And they kept going. What is he saying that made you laugh so hard?


And I was like, by the way, I wasn't going to say, oh, go look at the podcast. Then you're going to see the body of work that we put out and be like, what the fuck?


Yeah. Why do you keep calling me stupid here to Jesus Christ?


Damn. So but that that clip made me laugh. I made me laugh.


You know, I realized about podcasting like once a year of all the hundreds of hours of podcasting that I do a year, once, maybe twice a year, I'll laugh that hard.


And what I realized after all this time is watching yourself laugh that hard.


It's like a like my brain shifts and I'll start laughing, watching it. And I have a few of them that are like burned into my head that I know I can look up. And it actually puts me in a good mood because normally in life, if you laugh that hard, it's a memory like I remember. I laugh that hard. But to have it recorded and you can see yourself losing it.


My gosh, it really is the hardest I've ever laughed. I think almost always has been recorded. Yeah. The the me shaving your tits. Yeah.


I thought I was having a stroke that I thought you were too. I was sitting on the toilet watching you. That's Bert Shave's Tom I it's the funniest. What it was, it was, it was a mix for me. It was a mix of three different things. It was the mix of like. The vulnerability on your face at the time, for those you don't know, I'll give you a very quick breakdown. It's the funniest. It's one of the hardest I've ever laughed.


Yeah, but only second to when you shaved my beard. And I said and I said, how does it look? And you were crying. Laughing and I could not stop. And that's recorded. That's recorded.


The other one for me as actually one of the horrors of every laugh was in the DAV titled A File.


And I just I was playing he sends me clips. I used to do it at the house. Yeah. Send me the clips in a folder for the week and a lot of time. You know, people think sometimes that because different shows will do like a lot of prep.


And the whole thing we've always tried to do on your mom's house is like I see the like, I'll see the folder and I try to watch them as we're recording so that the reaction is genuine and just see where it goes. And he titled The File.


This guy was like like a homeless guy singing and he had this really raspy voice.


And Nadav titled The File Man uses lung infection as an instrument.


So I, I just was like reading them. And I started to laugh because I was watching the guy. I started laughing so hard I fuckin I seriously thought I was going to collapse. I was, I was laughing so, so hard that and then also the first time we played the four stroke guy that's also so they're are just clips from the show that I left so, so hard and I can actually watch those.


Did you ever see the clip of of either rolling in dogshit. No. Hello. Can I can you can you type in? Go to my Instagram it of. You can go to my Facebook, go to my my type type Eila. Bert, Eila, Dogshit Iola, I'm sure it comes in. I'm sure it comes up. My daughter rolling in dogshit, whatever this is, yeah, this is Facebook, this is totally fine. All right, play this.


This is the this is the hardest I've ever. One of the hardest I've ever laughed. You've got to start from the big guy.


OK, how old is she here. This is right.


When we bought the house for. Did you just roll in dogshit? She didn't smell it, smell it, smell it, smell it, smell it. Georgia, Georgia. Smell it and tell me if it's dog shit. Smell it. Thank you. I want to see if I can give you. So we'll hear more about. Oh, oh.


Listen to me, OK, this is. Oh, hey, babe.


That I was sitting in a was sitting in a beach chair with a glass of wine, hope the wine in one hand and recording the other, and I couldn't move because I and I couldn't. But that's one of the hardest. I laughed the when I saved you, the the mix was.


It's it's what sometimes what it is, is a perfect life is you we we had just gotten to Hawaii, we've just been out of the beach and we went up to shave your back. Yeah. And I and I shaved your back and are like, this is so good for my OCD.


Oh, it was. And and I remember going, hey Tom, it's the vulnerability of going your tit hair connects with your underarm hair. Do you want me to hollow that out for you? And you went and you went really. But but but you weren't trying to be funny. You were being vulnerable. You were going really. I go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I did this all the time. I go al-Shaabi like a little Caesar so it'll tighten up your tits like I'll become hair down, will trim it out and we'll shave that out and it'll look like you're muscular and you're like really.


And I said Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I did it and I was so close to it that I wasn't seeing what I was doing. I was too close to the forest to see the trees that I was chopping down. And I did it. And when I pulled back, it just looked like your tits wearing sunglasses and I could not stop laughing because you looked at me and you go, How's it look?


Oh, I got to like it. I remember laughing so hard and you kept going with that. But you kept saying, which is not in the video, you kept saying, this is our first day. We had a whole week there. You like this. Ah.


I got to go out the beat because it looked so terrible. Oh. And then I'd see you arguing and I fucking oh that was the funniest. That was a really fucking hilarious trip. And now the memory. I remember we took the girls to go shooting guns and the guys and we said to the guy they got lost. Go to the bathroom. Yeah. We go, hey man, by the way, we're in like a military base on Port Pearl Harbor.


Yeah. And we're going to shoot guns with, like, a fucking lieutenant colonel. And we're like, hey, when the girls come back, give them like a like a speech of how this is why women in the military, because they got lost and he's like, no, no, I got it.


He's like, no problem. Remember, he was like, yeah, I we didn't have kids yet. You had your girls and yeah. He was like, yeah, I got a girl but I have a son the best. Yeah.


The girls walked in and he goes, Ladies, did you find your way back from the bathroom. This is why I'll tell you right now, seriously, this and he it was like he wasn't even joking.


He didn't have to really reach for his improv. And Tom and I sat there like, wow, this is more than we thought we'd get from him. Yeah. And and personally and got angry. Do you remember they got angry.


Yeah. And why is he disrespect. Yeah. Why is he so disrespectful. And we didn't tell him it was a joke.


We were like, oh I don't no I got an issue. Militaire Hey we wish Russell had come. Russell we were with Russell Peters is the other thing that made that trip made me laugh so hard.


I'll tell you my top five early, but I'm calling Russell right now.


You are or have to. I have to. This is. Hold on. This is. This is the hardest I've ever, Russell is such a fucking chill dude that he just doesn't like nothing affects him. Everything rolls off his back. I wonder if he's awake.


Yeah, he's got to be. These are kids. And so he was with this girl, she was not the brightest, and we got on a boat to take a tour of Pearl Harbor and as we sit down, Russell's like, kicked back, relaxed, and she says, so is this tour above water or underwater?


An open and open air boat and everyone looked at each other and even the the corporals like. I don't think I understand. She goes like, are we going to be going under? Are we going down to because we are over the USS Arizona? Yeah, he she goes. He goes, it's right down here. This is where it's sunk. And there's however many, you know, sailors that died on it. And it's right here. And she goes, are we going to go down right now?


Like to see it? And we're all looking around here on a boat and we're like, what do you mean? She's like, I'm going to go down underneath. I don't know.


I just thought this because they were like plastic flaps in case it rains. She goes, I thought this would lower and we go underwater. And we were like and we looked at Russell and he just smiled, put his sunglasses on and laid back and went to sleep. Yeah. And that that OK, that time that made me laugh. The second was because we had to be like, this isn't a submarine, this is a boat. Oh yeah.


That OK. The second time is when we were getting ready to shoot guns and and I remember you go man, I wish Russell had come with us is going to be really cool. And we're like, yeah, and the guy was all right.


We have one rule here in Pearl Harbor.


If it's brown and it moves, you shoot it and Tom goes, I'm glad Russell did that.


And then me, Russell, claiming you were having and and Kimberly and I think our chicks are there are having a drink before we go to have dinner. We're having a drink before dinner. And I said something like, you know, I just started recently getting attracted to Indian chicks and do you remember this?


And Russell goes, really is like, yeah, there's this porn star. And as soon as I said that, Claytons eyes closed and he starts laughing.


That's like who they holding it is restraining. Yeah. I go porn star. What's your name. Does anyone know who I am. And I go in. The airports are really like famous. Oh she's so fucking hot.


Do that's why I would fuck that. And then Russell's Galapagos Sunny Leone and I went that's it.


And she gets up and walks away and Russell goes, I used to date her, you know what. And he goes, it's my ex-girlfriend. So hey, thanks man. And then she comes up and goes, Your table's ready. He's like, All right. Russell was a such a roll with it motherfucker that whole time. Yeah, it was amazing.


And then we we did the show and we violated the rules of the show the other hardest time I ever left.


Hey, no one thing do not make fun of Hawaiians and do not make mention of Pearl Harbor and don't basically you don't go dirty either.


And Tom's opening joke, man, they say island life slow. I didn't know they were talking about their metabolisms. These Hawaiians are fat as fuck. Am I right? People today I was walking around the base and I got lost. Luckily, I ran into a couple of Japanese people while they really know their way around this place.


So anyway, we get off and they're like, oh, they were livid.


And then and then me and Tom are in the back and they're like, you did not to guys. Charlie was really upset with us. And then Russell gets on and Tom leans over and he goes, Let's not forget everyone in this base has been taught one. Or if it's brown and it moves, shoot it across the rubble.


Peters is on stage, by the way. Can I tell you? I just understand. We'll wrap this up soon. I just found I just realized why it was important for Kumail to get his shredded as he did.


What do you mean?


I read an article about him today. I went Kumail got ripped. I kind of was like, I don't know, in a weird way. I was like, oh, like we lost one. So it makes sense. Oh, okay.


Look, we lost a cool comedian, like because he's such a like a regular comic. Right.


But when he got shredded we're like, fuck, we lost one, you know, that maybe he had changed or his personality was going to change that. So when you're that into your body, you're definitely not you're not thinking about comedy. You're thinking about your arms and whatnot.


And so I was bummed out when he got that shredded a a tad bit.


Then I read this article about him and you know what he said, which was mind blowing to me.


What was he was like I got cast in this movie, by the way, I'm paraphrasing. I got cast in this movie The Immortals or whatever, as a superhero.


And I didn't want to be the typical brown schlub guy, like for SE Indians, South Indians, what whatever Southeast Indians he was. I didn't want to play the typical Shalaby Indian nerdy character.


And I went, oh, that makes total sense, because for him to do this, he's doing representation for like other kids like himself that are in the comic books. And only see the Indian guy is like, um, Datta says that we will be there in three minutes. You know, he wanted to be like a fucking badass superhero.


Yeah. And show them that, hey, you can also be a fucking yolked out superhero, right. And be an Indian guy.


We're not just one character, Pakistani or Pakistani. Yeah. Yeah, either one vonne. Sorry, sorry.


Gameel. Yeah, Pakistani. But like and for the first time today I went, oh this makes total fucking sense. Yeah.


He almost had to do this like he had to do this to represent a whole group of people, a whole group of people and go for all these little kids that are into comic books the way he was, he now they now get to see themselves as the superhero as opposed to the data collector or the computer analyst.


You know, like the cool Rybka is like, hey, man, hand me that fucking wrench. Yeah. Or the taxi driver. Right. Right.


That, you know, like or I guess Uber even. Sure.


But like so I thought that was kind of. The school Charlotta, Camiel, yeah, he got super yolked, yeah. All right. Do you think you'll do that? I'm doing it right now, pretty much. I'm running so much and I'm not losing any weight, but my body size is changing.


So like I did measurements of my body every time before we do so Rocktober, I do my measurements around my belly like Barmedman, my belly, but matches yours change. Ari Shapiro, do we take it? Sure. Hey, you're on a podcast. I as you were doing two Bears, one game, what's up? I just can't figure. OK, well, you're talking to me and Tom, is there anything you want to share?


I have been masturbating, shockingly, a low amount of times, by the way.


I have as well. I've been jacked off at all this whole trip, this whole time. And I have only had sex like twice.


Wait, are you having sex? Laurie is already having sex.


Are you having sex? Yeah, the same, yeah, which is how much which is how many times. Yeah, two or three times a day. Nothing major, I feel his it's not that much. Maybe the virus there's this unforeseen side effect. It's affecting administration levels of this country. I'm not masturbating.


I'm not masturbating. I'm not even interested in masturbating. Yeah. Proven then. Oh, my God. You know, they say this makes men infertile if you get the virus.


Well, that's that's good. Solid proof, actually, Oliver. Yeah. Imagine if it just fucking nipped our entire fucking population in half because all these kids are when the spring break. We don't get those mouth breathers anymore.


I wouldn't be bad now. No more fucking barbed wire tattoos around the arms. You just get rid of a whole generation of morons.


By the way, all those people are the ones, right. Again, to Tom saying is retarded. What do you like? No, it's not these people.


And you see my Twitter today. Yeah. I just got my eyes on. Thank you. OK, nice. Did you like the picture? The ability. I was like that with his body though isn't it.


No, no, it's me. I did the entire thing. I Photoshop the whole thing.


I was like man, his body looks like his body and somebody wipe somebody out there with Photoshop skills is just going to morph it back to the real phone.


It is. I'll let me show you the real photo. Yeah, hang on. I'm going to hang on. Stay on the phone. I'm going to show Tom the real photo, OK? Hey, hold on, Tom. You ready? I'm ready. You're ready? Yeah. OK, hold on. Ready to put it in.


Here you go after ariad so back. We took he took the photo, Georgia. It's so bad the real photo is so bad already, if people saw it, they'd be like, fuck, let me see it again. No, no, no, I'm not giving you my phone. You can hold it up to the camera.


Just let me see it here. Hold on. Let me see it.


No, no, no, no. I'm not going. They would. They can't show it on camera. Just let me see what it's like. A slinky is real. Oh, it's legs chopped up, by the way, that it's just as chubby as it gets. It's almost hard.


I had to. I had to. There's a lot I had to Photoshop isn't.


There are a lot of colors in that dick, Ari. Like it's like four tones.


So you can see what years it grew in. I think this should be the wood challenge where people take the same picture and post themselves nude.


Someone is going to fucking you guys hug.


It looks good, doesn't it? I see if I want to see it so bad, I'm not texting it to you because it'll just go you'll just post that, you should not send it to me as your friend. I'm telling you, you should not be sending that to me. I do want to see it somehow.


All right. When do you when you go down to Baltimore, they already come in quarantine. Oh, you're with your parents. No, I still have another week to go for it so I can see them. Oh, really? Just to be sure. Where are you at right now? In Baltimore. In the suburbs, you know, but like where you staying? At an Airbnb with the backyard for it. OK, we're just like we got hella groceries as soon as you got here and then.


That's it. Like the door. You know, it's weird, but yeah, yeah, I guess I'm going to start masturbating more. I saw a picture of the music.


OK, I'll see right now. Sending it right now. OK. OK. All right. I'll talk to you later. Bye. So he's got. In that horrible what my real dad. What's crazy is when you go from because like you Photoshopped the dick, I did the dick first and then I was to only the body and I was like, I should do the body. But then I had the real dick. And there's a if you press the picture, it'll go back to the original.


So, like, I had the big dick and I press the picture, go back to the original and I just was like Foch.


Well, yeah, but I mean, you've made it ridiculous.


I know, but like I know, but I, you start regular, like you start going, why don't you put one out that has the, the weird crazy steroid body that you have there with the regular dick.


I didn't do what about an even smaller dick. I did that also and and it well it wasn't as funny with a small small dick really. It just wasn't funny. And it and for some reason I couldn't making it smaller, change the ratio so much that you could tell that was Photoshopped.


OK, I know I for some reason it pulled the couch up so you could see the couch was moved up.


It's easier to make things bigger than it is to make things smaller for some reason in Photoshop and Photoshop. Like because I think because the second you pull from one side, you pull the thighs in. All right. Like, for some reason when you go out, you can get in real close and just stretch it out.


This is like this is important stuff that we're doing. So. All right. We should wrap this up. Um, so when are you getting your test? Today. Now? Oh, yeah, today. This afternoon. But you won't get the results back. You get it in fifteen minutes. No. Yeah, it's a self test where it's to see if you have the antibodies. Oh. Oh. So it's not see if you've had covid it sees it.


In other words the results are telling you whether or not you've had it. It's not like you have, it's like does your body have the antibodies would tell if you have the antibodies. It's a positive test means you've already had the virus. Oh hey.


Yeah, get me one. I think I've had it all right. Yes. Give me like three grand. I'll get you. I'll get you. How much does it cost for is it really expensive. No, it's not that I would I definitely think I've had it.


I think we all had it on the tour bus the same time I had to go through for infectious disease doctors to get it. Are you serious? Yeah. Why is Bush is pushpin freaking out about this, no, surprisingly is very anxious. Yeah, I've been very anxious. I was telling you I feel great in the mornings. I feel great right now. I'll get home right now. I'm going to work out. I feel awesome working out.


I'm going to do I got a video meeting at like two and then another of conference call three another call it three thirty and then I'm done four o'clock. I feel great.


I'll be like I'm just a little hungry man. Five o'clock I start going, I think I'm getting the covid seven o'clock I'm going to spiral bar every fucking night at seven o'clock.


How are you eating. A lot to the face. Yeah, I'm eating like crazy. Yeah. Well yeah. Joe said something that I you know, it's like someone says one thing and you hang your hat on it. Joe is like I'm not doing the fuckin carnivore right now. I'm just eating to be healthy. Yeah. And I went, oh yeah. So I like Lee-Anne made this risotto the other night for the girls. And I was like, I'm going to have some risotto.


I don't give a fuck. And like, then yeah, my other problem is, I mean, chocolate like crazy because I'm because I'm not drinking. So my body's craving sugars.


My body's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are we doing? Has there been a is there like something going on? I guess all of it. Yeah. So I mean, are you going to drink at all?


No, I don't. But I don't want to like I, I don't have a need to like and we never have a need to but yeah. And so like same with marijuana.


Like I wouldn't have a problem, I we have edibles in the house, I wouldn't have a problem eating marijuana, but like I'm just hanging out with my kids. So like there's no draw too.


Like I go what am I going to be high and be the only one high in my house or am I the only one drunk in my house. Sure. Yeah, but I like I just would rather just have Kool-Aid is what I've been drinking a lot of Kool-Aid. I am I have a drinking problem like I need a drink as a treat. I can't just have water.


Do you mean you need to have it. You're saying you you need a beverage of some. I need a diet root beer. I need I mean I went through two liter root beers in a day.


I just can't help it. It's like, it's like I feel like, I feel it's like it's like my brain. So much sugar. Oh their diet. They were diet. They were diet. OK, so it's just cancer. But I mean I drink.


I love drinking, I love making a drink, I love coffee, dude, I put Laird Hamilton's tumeric creamer a little creamer in. Yeah. And then I have a drink and I can't stop drinking like I love drinking. So, like, for me, like Kool-Aid, I have Kool-Aid. I'll get like a 30 tons Kool-Aid. I'll use a 16 ounce filler upper but make 32 ounces of it.


Yeah. And I'll just sit and drink Kool-Aid all day. I love. I love. I love a drink. Yeah.


And so this is great stuff for a supercute by the way. Yeah. I, I swear to God I feel a pleasure when it goes in my mouth, like when I drink root beer, diet, root beer. I can drink it once.


But do you feel like that with beer. And I don't feel it with beer at all now.


I don't feel it. I don't feel the same as I do with root beer as I do with beer even remotely. By the way, I'm having hardcore dejavu right now.


I don't have any joy.


I don't look at beer at all as like I would like a beer, but I look at root beer is like, how do I stay away from that.


Yeah, Kool-Aid is the same way.


My thing with like six o'clock at night, I want to have I want to open a bottle of wine because I want that third sip, that deflation of your brain just going.


Yeah, I want that, I want that.


But then and then sit out by the grill like every time I walk out to the grill I go, it's my brain goes, I go, where's my wine.


Well, fuck, I'm not drunk. Give me one tonight.


Yeah but yeah but like, I don't really care because I'm like seven thirty eight o'clock. I usually get on the treadmill one more time workout until nine. I know I'm running like seven, eight miles a day. Not losing any weight, I'm fucking I. Yeah, you drink Kool-Aid all day, of course, yeah. And then come in and watch some thriller with Eila. Yeah. And but that's the fun part is like if I can get through my workout and get back into the house chillin with the girls, then like from like nine till midnight watching whatever the fuck we watch.


I don't need anything. I don't, I don't want I want to be sober. I want to laugh, you know. Yeah. But I don't think I'll drink. I don't think I'll drink while we're under quarantine.


I don't really I just it's for me it's a lot of my drinking is about famo. It's like missing out of the time. Like when I went over to Joe's I wasn't drinking at all and then he was like, I'm going to drink immediately. My brain goes, I'm not going to not have a drink with Joe, I'm not going to not get high with Joe. Of course I love this shit. Yeah. And thank God. And it was one of the funnest podcasts I've done with Joe.


I maybe ever it was just so fucking old school fun and that I go, I want to have those moments, but I don't really I don't know. All right.


I want to eat an edible. But eating edibles every day and what time usually around 839 really? Yeah, I push Southernism does you know what to eat.


What how many milligrams you're eating. Ten. That's a lot. It is. It seems like, you know, ten miles. What is it and what is it.


Because I'm just it I like indicus because it's like the Sleepytime weed you know. So it's, it just gets me ready to go to sleep so I love it really. Yeah. I could feel it like otherwise I do have trouble going to sleep.


So it's like for me now I'd had one during the day and she was like no actually I didn't, I had it at night and she was like Are you high right now. We were talking and I was like Yeah a little bit. And she was like, this is like a what is what do you what do you want? And I told her and she was like, I like this version of you, really issues like you're loose, you're playful, you're a lot of fun.


And she goes, Why don't you do this more often? I was like, OK, so I want to I wanted to cause me ten milligram time when I'm on it.


Ten milligrams and she's like, I like ten, eleven times.


That's a fucking T-shirt. Yeah. Find the picture of Tom with his eyes a little bit like this and just ten mg Tom Pemulwuy on Tom. She goes he's way more fun.


He's, he's patient.


He's, I'm, I would like to be around, I want to take edibles and like dial out the night because I mean if I could take anything would be Xanax.


I love saying, oh please, that is my fucking mistress. But I get I like her a little too much. I love Xanax more than anything.


Yeah. It makes your brain feel like the way God meant it to me. And I'll say this, if you haven't tried it, you should. All right. If you're out there, Xanax is.


Xanax is I give it to my dad one time we were driving from Miami to Tampa. Yeah, and this is as an adult, right? And I gave my dad Xanax. He was driving me nuts. And he goes all suddenly kicks in and I hear him in the backseat go, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.


Is this what you're supposed to feel like? Is this what regular people feel like? This is my daddy Xanax, probably Xanax and marijuana. He does a Joey ideas every day. Yeah, every night.


Joey, the way he described it to me, I was like, this is going to be in the coroner's report. Like, he he's like he's like what you do.


You take like a thousand milligrams.


I was like fok of THC and then, you know, pop a little baby Xanax in your mouth takes the edge off.


I wonder how many milligrams as babies in Texas. I was like, dude, he goes, that's what you do this way. All the panic, you don't feel it as much kind of dials it back.


Have you ever met someone who's built to tolerate the Xanax? Yeah.


And they, they're like yeah yeah yeah yeah. You take two milligrams, you're like, yeah.


And you can function and like well I mean I don't feel like I gave one milligram pill to Chad Daniels on a flight when we were coming back from Hong Kong. I was like, take this. And he was like, is this strong?


I was like, no. And he he broke it. I was like, no, take the whole thing. He's like, I don't think so. I don't know. I was like, take the whole thing. And he wouldn't.


He took half and we landed in I think Seattle and he got up from he got up. We were in those little pods. Yeah. He got up and he was like, what the fuck.


We like, dragged off the he goes, Oh, I don't feel like I'm awake.


I we're in the lounge waiting for the connecting flight. He was like falling asleep in that chair. He's like, how do you do that? Was he drinking also. No. Oh no.


He just like I my sister made me stop taking them because she was picking me up. She was picking me up from the airport and I was so fucked up drinking and on Xanax, lots of debt that I wasn't speaking and making sense because I refused to pick them up from the airport because I would I would not make sense for the whole car ride.


And they get home, pass out, wake up, be like, I feel great, dude. I miss I miss partying with Xanax. That was the funnest buzz. Brett Favre does, too. He was into that.


Was he in the Xanax? Yeah. Dude, that is so fucking great.


Imagine having, like Xanax and hanging out with Brett Favre, a baby great on his farm in Mississippi. In Hattiesburg. He's like, fuck it, go deep. Yeah.


You start running.


He throws it like ten yards, lay down.


Maybe I'll eat, maybe I'll eat some. Maybe I'll have like what I'll do is I'll do like five milligrams of of weed and like a quarter milligram of Xanax and see how tonight goes.


Oh yeah. Good plan. That's not bad right. No, no check in.


We'll check in with you next week. Thanks for listening guys. Uh oh. Go to, uh, merch method dotcom slash Tom Sagara. There's the thig boy nation, the hoodie, the the first two bears shirt.


I got a Carol Didit shirt from, uh, Tiger King, wash your hands and I got some ball hog merch there and then go to Bird Dotcom and check out both our special streaming right now on Netflix Ball Hog and hey, big boy.


All right. Thanks, guys. All right. Love you guys. Love you, bird. Tom Solomon one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in bird snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell they'll keep it clean. Here's. Well, because there's. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy hangover, no apologies. Here's what I recall. So there's one case.