Happy Scribe
[00:00:00]

And as long as you take this off like that, hey, guys, 20, 20 shaping up to be a pretty cool year. And even though there's a lot of things going on, some things just don't stop being a bird. And like cancer, I'm doing a fundraiser for the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society, or maybe it's the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. There's two L's for sure. Anyway, it's pretty fun. I'm going to be hanging out on a Zoome with a bunch of people.

[00:00:31]

You can buy tickets through the link in the description they'll send you. The link will hang out for an hour on Friday, June 12th, 6:00 p.m. Pacific, 9:00 Eastern. I'm eating MG. I'm drinking bourbon, maybe a cigar opening to get kind of loopy. And I can chat with you individually on this call. Please buy tickets. If you don't want tickets, that's fine. But maybe you'll consider donating as well. Hit the link. And thank you very much.

[00:00:59]

I'd like to thank our sponsor, Woop.

[00:01:00]

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[00:02:19]

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[00:03:44]

Let's start to show this, this is very, very, very, very hot and looking good, looking good. He's burned. Krischer, I'm sorry. Just put the pedal to the metal. This is a perfect way to start off the show. About 12 years in the making. Is going to be a fucking shit show. Everyone's going to going to the hundred percent you donated. How much money?

[00:04:19]

That's crazy. You're going to help so many people. Oh, there we go. I love this new branding. I love this new branding. If we could just attach and tether myself to this buck. Yeah, it's always donating. Welcome to two birds.

[00:04:31]

One cave. He's bird. I'm Tom Young man. You're always helping people. So good to be with you. This is so, so problematic for me, it it really no way can I point out one thing that is mostly you're doing, by the way.

[00:04:50]

Yeah, yeah. Well, I know what it is you're doing. No, no. You're doing well. You're doing you get yourself into. I get myself. But the problem is, is that I've set up a perfect comedic scenario where it's funny. It's a it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. What's what's the nightmare? The nightmare is this Joe Bird is the most racist comic in America.

[00:05:10]

It's OK. Listen, right now, it's a very problematic time to have that be a joke. I know it's terrible.

[00:05:18]

We can eliminate it, but please, we can eliminate it. I will do anything. Can I tell you how I think we should eliminate it and I'm being serious. OK, ok. If you take something away from somebody, what do you have to give them something in return. That's right.

[00:05:30]

So these guys are like kids.

[00:05:34]

OK, we just took a toy away. You got to give them something else.

[00:05:39]

I think they will all be on board with stopping the joke of Buhriz raises, which is terrible. And it was always stupid. And it was it was they could buy they could like write it because they knew it wasn't true.

[00:05:51]

They knew it wasn't true. That's the key. That's the thing is other people flipped and it's flipped into this conversation. I just want to say real quick, real quick and only to not to defend myself at all. I spent this weekend, which we're recording this Wednesday. Yeah.

[00:06:08]

OK, just so you know, so we don't know if like when you guys see this four days have passed, we don't know what's going to happen next four days.

[00:06:16]

So when everything went down this weekend. Last week. Yeah. Two weekends ago, whatever.

[00:06:21]

I mean, this is exactly how I found out about everything kind of is I watched Killer Mike's moving speed. Incredible. And I you'll attest to this. Nine forty five is when I watched it, I texted it to you, our group, and I said, this is fucking amazing. And I went to go post it on Instagram and I knew that I couldn't because if I did, then because I you know, I tag killer Mike. I always do.

[00:06:44]

I love Killer Mike. Yeah. And and then it would be all is racist and people don't know the joke. This is why the joke was was amusing to everyone is that people don't know the joke, that's why they took it. So then they say Bird is the most amazing, most racist comedian in America. And then someone would go for real. Yeah. And then then all of a sudden, yeah, the fans of the show would be like, oh shit, I got one on the line.

[00:07:08]

Yeah. Have you not heard is. And then they send burns crosses in yards. It was. And so I didn't post it and impose anything about anyone of color throughout the entire weekend because I was like I'm staying away from this because I'm retroactive. We're not retroactive radioactive. So the second I post anything so I don't post anything and I go, you know what? I'm going to take this time to do my part and raise my children and watch the videos online and watch what's going on in the streets and parent my two children.

[00:07:36]

And then I fucking wake up and I and I party this weekend. I'm tapped out. I wake up and it is your silence is fucking deafening. You how dare you. You support violence against black people and then also things like this. This this was started as a joke. Now it's real.

[00:07:52]

And I was like, oh my God. I mean, I texted you. I was like, hey, man, I may need to take a break from two bears.

[00:07:56]

One cave like this is because because it really hurts your feelings as me, because it's was me. And then I posted the Black Square and I disable comments immediately because that was a fucking shit show. Oh yeah. It was a shit show on mine. It was a show for everyone.

[00:08:10]

Every comic I read Theos I posted on Red Theos and was like, wow man, I hope, thank God I don't have those fans. And then I was like, oh wait, those are my fans. I went to my nose like disabled people. I and I didn't do it out of cowardice. As everyone said. I did it because I didn't want people to be confused about a stupid fucking joke. Yeah. And so I talked to Tom last night.

[00:08:32]

We talked on the phone and I was like, please.

[00:08:34]

And by the way, shout out, you have no idea those people that are out there that listen to the show and know us and know that we're friends and know that we joke and know that this is, by the way, just a comedy show. It's just comedy.

[00:08:46]

We don't we're not activists far. Like we also don't have the capacity to be it.

[00:08:55]

What did I say to me last night? I said in anger after I have been accused of not being an activist like an activist because do you think that anybody would ask me to weigh in on something if I wasn't a comedian? Do you think for a second if I wasn't a comic like, hey, Bert, stop cleaning that boat for a second, come over here. What do you think about this protest? I spent seven years in college. I never fucking learn anything about the Rolling Stone magazine discovered me watching boats.

[00:09:34]

I'm not the person to go to. It would be like, hey, Tom, someone get that guy overclaiming Dumpster's, what's your opinion of a professional wrestler like? Oh, I understand there's a lot of comedians are activists, and that's awesome, yeah, but we're not those guys. We just do comics. We just do comics like that's it. Like and but we're also humans. So like.

[00:10:06]

We're regular people, yeah, and so so and I also feel like, you know, personally, you know, I wanted to weigh in on I felt like it on people because one of the things I realized was how cheap and hackey the people.

[00:10:22]

Like if you express your opinion on something like this thing, I think this matters.

[00:10:26]

And someone like your virtue signalling, you're like, well, hold on.

[00:10:29]

You can't just you can't just accuse somebody of virtue signalling on something just because maybe it doesn't apply or affect you.

[00:10:38]

Like. Yeah, like what if you go like, no, no, no. I really feel like this is something we should we should pay attention to. I personally care about your virtue signalling.

[00:10:46]

It's like you're just a fucking hack if you're just going to label anybody who cares about something to be like, oh, they're doing it just to indicate, you know, so, you know, they're in the right place. No, like, it's bothersome to me.

[00:10:59]

And I want to say that I it was it was it was so apparent, like Saturday morning, like Saturday morning. I took Twitter off my phone a while ago so that, by the way, I still use it. I still go. I just open Twitter up in Safari browser. It's like I don't know why I have on my phone.

[00:11:17]

It's just such a very smart thing to do. Oh, by the way, this is this is the joke I read today. I look at my comments in my in my Instagram the same way I look at the scale, like I go, oh no, we don't want to see that.

[00:11:28]

All right. Why are we going to let a perfectly good day be ruined by that?

[00:11:35]

But yeah. And so so it stinks. And then yesterday I deleted I blocked a bunch of you guys. Yeah. I blocked a bunch of people because I was just like it was you're sitting there in your head, you're a regular person and you know that first of all, I have my my tour bus drivers being harassed. He's black. The people were running the the bus from the black owned company. And all this is like, yeah, it's just a fucking nightmare because I am also a real person.

[00:12:00]

I'm all about a fucking joke. I'm all about a fucking joke. And don't think I didn't don't.

[00:12:07]

I put out secret time and I got a flood of new fans that did not know about this fucking Bertelsmann's race coming in America.

[00:12:16]

Yeah. I genuinely found it worth losing fans for the joke. I know there were times where I giggled to myself at just a very innocent. I would see them as like I was like Amish people.

[00:12:31]

Yeah. Getting off the wagon and going, oh, I like bird cries. You tell me more about him.

[00:12:38]

And then someone going, oh, he's the fattest, most racist comic in America. All right.

[00:12:44]

Now, listen, everyone can make a joke about race, OK? No, no, no, no, no, no. He actually killed an Asian family, you know, like, oh, well, that's enough of that.

[00:12:53]

Get back on the wagon.

[00:12:55]

Like, I actually enjoy like, the joke made sense to me. But in a time where logit and this is what I meant, say, you guys who did reach out like there was one guy, I can't read his post, but it was like he's like, yeah, I can see how this racist comic is most racist coming in. America is a little played out. We should probably put the brakes on that. And then he goes and by the way, we all know that da da da is the most racist.

[00:13:21]

Oh, he said who started laughing hysterically. Nail it. Oh yeah. And then another guy, another guy was like I was like, Hey, man. He just seemed like he was like I did like it was really cool people out there, like I did the research. These people, I think are activists just trying to get you to comment like they're just bullying you into commenting. And it was really weird, like everything was so fucking weird about it that I just I blocked I've never blocked somebody.

[00:13:48]

I blocked a couple of dozen people yesterday. I was like, no, I don't want I don't want this person, like, around my page. It's, you know, it's like.

[00:13:59]

It's. It just sucks. It's a funny joke. Please just stop by here. Can I call you the replacement idea? Yeah, guys. OK, let's do a trade. Let's do it. OK, so I feel like I'm in prison going out like your dick. OK, if you just don't come with me. I can't tell you how much I'm so bothered by the fact that, like, I really don't want anyone to come and meet.

[00:14:21]

Like I've thought about that so much. Like I've really thought about that. The just the disrespect. It's just like it's superficial. I can't believe women that come coming them like that blows my mind. It's been out of it.

[00:14:33]

Do you know what the feeling when a woman says, hey, just you know, you can come in me?

[00:14:37]

Yeah, I'm. There's a part of me, the first time I heard it, that I was like, what kind of fucking animal are you? Yeah, especially if you never is a one night stand.

[00:14:49]

Oh, yeah. And they're like, just, you know, you can come in me. You're like, I think I wish I wasn't here right now. How many dudes have done this? A lot.

[00:14:56]

Oh Lord yeah. I've only had like two one night stands. Really.

[00:15:01]

I have mostly one night stand and it was fucking trash bags.

[00:15:09]

You can come at me like, oh, you're on the pill like now like oh god, I got it. And then you're like, I'll never see you again. Raise them. Right. I got to go.

[00:15:17]

I really don't want anyone coming at me that's been stuck in my head for so fucking.

[00:15:22]

And imagine if it was a bunch of guys coming in, you know, at the same time, you know, I have all in your asshole to you know, the what really shakes me to the course that one day in college my daughter will watch this video and she'll go, yeah, no one wants anyone coming in.

[00:15:36]

Your dad, like, I forget that everything's going to be online and one day George will be in college.

[00:15:41]

I like how you don't think she's capable of watching this video Tuesday. She's fucking 16 on Monday.

[00:15:52]

This week he turned 16 this week while her she turned 16 this week. Well, she already turned 16 or she's going about, you know. Can I tell you? Hold on. Let's get to the point. But I'll tell you real. Go ahead, go ahead. What's the trade off? OK, so here's the thing, I feel like you got to go stop saying that we all agree the joke. So you give them a replacement line.

[00:16:17]

It was like, you know, the first one was Bertus. Fat people ran with that.

[00:16:21]

So here's I think it's silly and it's fun and it plays into the fact that you take pool showers and outdoor showers.

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OK, I love this already. All right. It's hashtag bird smells bad.

[00:16:33]

OK, and here's the thing. Here's the thing, Burt smells bad is it's silly enough where what's the worst thing is going to happen? Hold on.

[00:16:41]

I'm sorry. Hold on one second. No, no, no, no. I'll tell you why I'm already upset with this coastline. You have one. Did you guys work this out? Because he's got fucking branding for it already and it's flipping.

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And I know the dog, his his little ginger astros'.

[00:16:55]

And then they're going to say, wait a minute, here's the worst thing that's going to happen, OK?

[00:17:02]

You're going to start meeting people and they're like, you don't smell. I bet you're going to be like, what? And they're going to be like, I thought you smell like shit.

[00:17:11]

I keep saying you're going to be like, no, I don't. And they'll be like, I thought, you're going to smell like shit. Oh, no, I'm not. I have not accepted this. And I'll tell you why and I'll tell you why. Hold on. Once you get this fucking rap, you can't shake it. There's two celebrities that everyone says smells bad, and that's all you hear. Brad Pitt does not shower. He smells bad.

[00:17:34]

That is the number of rappers that this is on brand with. You OK? Yeah, well, yeah. Party guy is not I don't smoke. I know.

[00:17:41]

But here's the thing. If you give them that, they run with it and you don't actually smell that. Every time people meet you, they're going to be like, you don't smell bad. I thought you were going to smell like diarrhea. You smell fine. You know, you might smell good.

[00:17:53]

I've never smelled you. I don't think smell bad. Cannot wait to read the comments.

[00:17:59]

I cannot wait to read the comments that are like. And how creative people get will go, you know, so funny, for years I thought he was racist. He's not racist at all, but he smells like shit.

[00:18:12]

I mean, don't you think? But do you think fans could have fun with that one? And like, anytime you post something, they'll be like, oh, did you guys have soap there for you? God, it could be fun and it's not harmful.

[00:18:23]

And it's not.

[00:18:24]

No one's going to be like, you know, do you hate a group of people did not shower today. He did. And I did not wear deodorant. And I thought I said to myself, make sure you put on your I hugged you.

[00:18:33]

You didn't smell bad. Yeah, I'm cool. All right, good smells bad. You want to grab something? Oh, yeah. Give me another option. Yeah. Another option I think you got you could take it up a level.

[00:18:44]

So, like, you give them something a little harsher to say, but it's still ridiculous. It's ridiculous. OK, but the way I thought the race was one was ridiculous. That is ridiculous.

[00:18:51]

But this is also ridiculous. And that's Bert Fox dogs, right? OK, hold on. And we can do that because I have a new joke about that. Oh, you do? Oh, yeah. You ever cuddle with your dog so hard your dick gets hard? You know, I am. But also, that's so ridiculous that people will see it and then.

[00:19:12]

You know, like what are people going to say to you, hey, are you going to fuck my dog if I bring him to the show like it's it's harmless. It really is harmless because it's insane.

[00:19:19]

Almost until I'm hiking in fucking Runyon Canyon, like, get a group of people that go bird fucking dogs. OK, well, what's the third one? I'm sure there's three because there is a third one. Oh of course there is.

[00:19:30]

The third one is a probably a little over the top but but so are you thinking of these all night last night after we got off the phone. Yeah.

[00:19:42]

So you're laying in bed 10 milligrams and going, he smells bad. I know that he's got an inappropriate relationship with his dog. Keep going. Keep going.

[00:19:50]

And then also, like, what's one that's not true, but extreme that people can latch on to and run with. Here's the thing. I'll tell you this.

[00:19:58]

Once they throw it up, if you don't even want it suggested so people don't run with it, we'll just cut it. And the way that people will know is like from right here, it'll just cut.

[00:20:07]

Jump, jump, jump, jump. OK, so they never saw no fucking sign.

[00:20:15]

I know it's totally different. It just bought directed than it is there anything is better than the way I smell bad and fuck dogs.

[00:20:37]

OK, don't do that one. The dog. That one.

[00:20:41]

All right.

[00:20:41]

Make sure we get that jump cut and make the dog remember I'm part of this job too. OK, you got it, buddy. Yeah.

[00:20:52]

Oh fuck man, that was fun. Oh, it smells bad. Yeah, I smell bad.

[00:20:59]

I just. I smell bad. Fuck. Yeah I do. I do, I do smell bad but we actually do smell bad so I get it. By the way, so many people are going to be like you actually do smell bad when the last time you brush your teeth I go I have a hard time with you soap a lot and I like to use floss. That's it.

[00:21:15]

Oh my God. This is going to be so much better. I'm already so much I have so much light off. Yeah. Hey guys, please. Bert smells bad.

[00:21:25]

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much everyone. I wish we were releasing this episode today so I didn't have to work my way through the weekend.

[00:21:36]

But you don't want that last one. I definitely do not get the last one.

[00:21:40]

You have made a really astute observation today that I wasn't expecting and you finally picked up on that. Nadav has red hair. Yeah.

[00:21:48]

What did you how did that.

[00:21:52]

I just I just saw it like I never really I, I don't I don't pay attention to a lot of people. And I don't I don't I don't know what it is about me. I don't ask.

[00:22:04]

I don't like it's not narcissistic. Mom, there is something broken in me. And I'll tell you, this is why I said I watched the Lance Armstrong documentary.

[00:22:15]

Do you know what I said to you when we were talking about that concert? And I said, I've been doing a Nirvana concert and I said, I don't want to check and find out because I don't want to lose that memory. When I, in fact, had been to the Nirvana concert. Right. My recollection of it was really accurate. Someone sent me the video and it was as I described. But I knew there was a chance that I that it wasn't a Nirvana concert because I was on drugs and so I but I didn't want to I didn't want to lose the memory, so I didn't want to find out for real.

[00:22:47]

That makes a. I know it doesn't make sense to anyone, but like, I didn't want to go too introspective because I thought I enjoyed the memory of having seen Nirvana. Right.

[00:22:55]

But you weren't I didn't feel is a certain memory and I didn't need it to be real because I had the memory. So it's like and then I was like, I don't want to do the research. And then when I found out that I had been to Nirvana concert, nothing changed.

[00:23:07]

I saw the same memory. It was when we were I didn't want someone to negate something I already believed to be true. I guess you must feel like when you're religious, you're like, I don't need you to prove God.

[00:23:18]

I believe it. So let me believe it is.

[00:23:22]

It's what's wrong with me is like I watch the Lance Armstrong documentary and. I couldn't help but think I wish they had never called him, so I sound crazy, uh, like I like believing in heroes, right?

[00:23:39]

I loved believing in Lance Armstrong.

[00:23:41]

He was like an unimaginable and hero, so clear that he was cheating. Do you remember Charlie's roommate who was a chef in Nashville? Yeah. And he was a maybe we should. I don't know what time he was Lance Armstrong's private chef. Hmm. Do you remember this? No, I don't remember that detail. And he was I was like this Lance Armstrong on steroids. And he goes 100 percent. And I was like, wait, no way.

[00:24:07]

And I remember him telling me that and me being mad at him that he was ruining the hero.

[00:24:11]

Dude, I remember. So somebody could find this specific detail. I was on Rogan, one of my appearances. I don't know which one, but it was before it came out and that it was verified. And I kind of talked about how I definitely think he's a cheater.

[00:24:28]

Yeah, I got so much hate. Really? Yeah.

[00:24:33]

And I even forget the details, like what I went into.

[00:24:37]

I just remember that I said that that that I was like, it's so obvious that he's cheating in some way and how he had like the perfect cover of like.

[00:24:47]

He distracts people with his I thought it was calculated charity work, you know, for cancer, cancer. Yeah. And then he goes, look how much money this guy raises for cancer. And, you know, and I was like, yeah, but it's he is definitely he would he would the way that he would attack people who accused him that were close to him was like the real tell.

[00:25:06]

You see, that's narcissism in like and wanting to control the narrative so much. You try to destroy people. He would destroy people. We had a friend. We knew a guy that did that to people. And and I remember watching it happen on the inside and going like, holy fuck, man.

[00:25:22]

And then all I could think was, that's going to happen to me one day like that. And it did.

[00:25:26]

And I remember going like mother fucker like that behavior.

[00:25:31]

I know I wouldn't like Lance Armstrong. Like I know I wouldn't be friends with him because I he's got that thing in his brain that the bad people have. Where do they go? But you know what?

[00:25:42]

What do you think Jordan would have used steroids if he was in cycling? Hmm, that's a good question, because I saw a lot of parallels between last Jordan or. Lance Armstrong and Michael Jordan like of like this, I've got to create a narrative in my head and my truth is the truth, and that's what it will be because everyone came out after Michael Jordan, things like that's a fucking lie, Horace Grant. Like I never told anyone he needed to do that to be mad at me because I was so like you.

[00:26:12]

Part of you goes, there are so many parallels between those goats, like the Lance Armstrong's and the differences. Everyone in that sport was cheating, everyone in that cheating.

[00:26:22]

We didn't know that so much until further along.

[00:26:26]

Yeah. And Lance Armstrong saying I was just doing what I had to do to keep up with everyone. Yeah. And so you can't guilt him into it. But it's that behavior of like and I maybe I don't know if that's narcissism or what, but like it's different from what I got. I got like a lightweight narcissism of like I just want everything to be great because I'm watching Lance Armstrong documentary going. I wish he never I liked having a hero.

[00:26:48]

I like believing it was possible. I like believing you could be on your deathbed, then go win seven. I can't believe that I didn't notice. Seven Tour de France is in a row like in a row after cancer. Like, how did no one see that?

[00:27:02]

But I was sitting there going, I know, because that part of it. You're right, though.

[00:27:06]

It's cool to see somebody achieve on that level.

[00:27:09]

I mean, that's the kind of the thing about, you know, people who are fascinated with and idol worship Jordan. It's like, bless you, bless you.

[00:27:18]

But it's it's that, you know, it was like Superman.

[00:27:21]

Like he can't lose. Yeah.

[00:27:22]

Can't like you liked having the person you're like, but there's that one guy who, you know, you admire because he pushes that hard and refuses to lose.

[00:27:33]

Were you the guy at the lunch table growing up when someone was telling a great story? Were you the guy? And then there would always be the one kid in the side who's usually shorter than everyone else.

[00:27:42]

He was like, kid didn't have cool looking hair. And he's like, this is a lie. I'm not believing any of this. I wasn't that guy I know.

[00:27:48]

I would hear that guy like who shot up the guys in the middle of a fucking good story, like, let's enjoy the story. I don't need it to be untrue. I'm laughing right now. That's fucked.

[00:27:55]

That's me. That's me. Yeah, yeah. That's me. The table.

[00:27:58]

And I was that I was I think I learned how to tell stories in high school probably. And all boys, Catholic high school.

[00:28:03]

But many Cuban kids could always tell the fuck out of a story. Yeah.

[00:28:07]

The way they would fucking they would paint the picture. Oh yeah. And I would I'd been there. I remember I remember someone talked about a beer run like where you grabbed beer and run and jump in the car. And I remember just the way the story is being told, I was told by I think. I want to say to the two ended up getting out of our school, but the way they were telling it to Cuban kids and it was just like larger than life and you just like.

[00:28:34]

Yeah, and there's just some fucking asshole just going, that's not true. This isn't true. That guy's name. And you're like, what a shot at buzzkill.

[00:28:41]

Yeah, I feel like Dirk Nowitzki, not Dirk Nowitzki. Who's the guy that. The Golden Snitch. The Golden Snitch. Yeah. What happened? Golden Snitch. Kirk Novitsky, Chris Novoselic, what's the guy what's the guy from the USA that Joe had on his podcast?

[00:29:03]

Oh. Is it golden snitch? What's the bald guy, that bald guy? Dirk Nowitzki no, no, it's not Dirk, though, was it? Jeff Levinsky, OK, Jeff Lovinsky, like I go. I don't need you in my life, I don't need to know John Jones is juicing now. If I'm fighting John Jones, I need to know. Yeah, but like as a fan, I just want to believe in heroes.

[00:29:32]

Now, how does this all tied to you? Just noticing that Nadal's hair is red eye. Because I think I live life with such blinders on. Yeah. I think I think a lot about me, like a lot about me, like it's amazing how much I think about me.

[00:29:51]

I remember I remember Barry Katz one time, said, Pompa, how many times a day do you think other people go on, wonder what Reiser's doing?

[00:30:01]

I said a lot and he was never.

[00:30:04]

A lot of people aren't thinking about you right now. Guess who are you thinking about? I said, me. And he goes, they're probably thinking about themselves.

[00:30:11]

It was a great realization. But like, I just, I, I, I don't know what it is. It's like how many times how many times did we drive. This podcast is a perfect fucking example. Like how often do I listen.

[00:30:27]

Not that much, bro, I want you to absolutely know that I touch my nose an aggressive amount, people are passing out doing the drinking game.

[00:30:34]

I mean, it's amazing how someone was hospitalized. They said trying to keep up with you.

[00:30:38]

I touch my nose so much. It's like and by the way, I noticed I had already done it like 100 times. I don't know.

[00:30:46]

I just I just. I don't know. I couldn't. Readhead came up this weekend.

[00:30:50]

We're out talking about we've literally you've known you've at least worked with him, I don't know, 100 days, you know, separately. And you're like maybe more. And today you're like your hair's red.

[00:31:02]

I think I notice on his weight because his weight fluctuates.

[00:31:05]

Yeah. He looks good now. Yeah, it looks good. What are you how much you weigh.

[00:31:09]

About like 240. 250. So how tall are you.

[00:31:12]

Five three five nine five nine.

[00:31:16]

Oh I mean just look at us. Do you want to look like this. Know what that is. Look at us. I got to, I got to pull it all the way down.

[00:31:29]

He has to wear a hat everywhere he goes. Yeah. It's not good. It's not good. And you don't have to look this badly. 66 percent of men start to lose their hair by the age of 35.

[00:31:40]

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[00:31:45]

Because the worst thing, if I could go back and someone was reading this ad when I was like twenty six, I'd have been like, let's do it right now.

[00:31:54]

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[00:32:42]

Listen up, fellas. Today we have a new manscape product. Alert Manscape has just released the weed whacker, nose and ear trimmer. I'm telling you right now, I think because of my age, I love this more than anything. I have erent your hairs. Yeah. That all of a sudden start tickling.

[00:32:59]

Yeah. And and you're like, God damn it, why am I?

[00:33:02]

And then I tell my wife, I go, can you just get this out. Yeah. And if I don't know if you've ever tried to pull your ears or noses out. Yeah it is literally.

[00:33:10]

And also how much is in there because I put it in there, it's like like it sounds like I took a philosophy the other day and just went to see how much hair was there and it just sounded like I was going, oh my rock.

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[00:34:28]

Hey why don't you put your headphones on. No I already don't want to do this game. I don't know what you have planned Nadol but I don't trust it. I don't know it.

[00:34:37]

I really don't know what this is for real now. This was just like my favorite part from from the last episode. From the last episode. OK, oh oh.

[00:34:45]

Let's do two bears Redgate one man cave. Well hold on because that's another thing you do. Oh yeah.

[00:34:55]

That was like you literally started six different sentences right there. Let's hear it again. Oh, oh, let's do two bears, Redgate, one man cave. Well, hold on.

[00:35:12]

You know what it is, is that this podcast is super, super exciting for me because I. I don't for whatever kind of take them off now. No, we have more.

[00:35:21]

No, you get OK. It doesn't feel like it really doesn't feel like work. It feels like we're driving the break. Yeah. And it's the same way you'd have a conversation with a friend. I forget. I definitely forgot as being fucking recorded sometimes.

[00:35:39]

This whole setup doesn't lend itself to crazy though by you know, I forget that it's being recorded and I just yeah.

[00:35:47]

I just end up talking and saying things that I go I get in the car and I'm like, hey, can we maybe edit that out?

[00:35:52]

Can we try Warren Sapp again?

[00:35:54]

Oh, come on, man. I think we have the wrong number.

[00:35:59]

Let me see if I don't have Twitter on my phone. So I don't have I can't direct login to safari.

[00:36:03]

So it's already logged in. Why was I on Cameo during a cameo? Who you are. Yeah, you're you're. No, no, no, I was looking to see how much people cost. What would you do it for if you if you were signing up for it will be a price point? What I don't know. Doug Benson, I was on Doug Benson's. For the entire month of June, he gave No. Twenty five percent of his proceeds to GLADD.

[00:36:34]

It's a pride month, right? Yeah. Good for him. On what? Let me tweet for you. No, come on, can we just got a text one from the. Here's what I don't know. I'm trying to think of the right way to say this, but like no one is coronaviruses over. Oh, it's great, right? Yeah, no one getting in a tour bus in like a week.

[00:37:08]

And Shane Torres goes, hey, I'm going down to the marches. Do you guys want to go? And I felt like going, hey, you're going to be a tour bus with me. Can you not get coronavirus? He's going to get it, but maybe coronaviruses just over.

[00:37:18]

No, no.

[00:37:20]

Because it's crazy to see news reporters who last week were like at a distance from everyone. Yeah. And now you're seeing like it's really cool with these protests in L.A. It's very emotional worldwide.

[00:37:34]

The the number of people that were at protests this past week, I mean, the grand total definitely in the seven figures. You know, like if you look at the the amount of people that were shoulder to shoulder marching and hollering.

[00:37:49]

Oh, yes. And then Denmark, Paris, you know, people in Syria were marching. It's like I think that this is going to accelerate the event if it doesn't. Then I'm going to be fucking livid that I stayed in my house for 79. I know, I know if if we don't see I'm in, it's going to be it's got to be a massive spike. Sure it's going to be. It's going to be within two weeks. There should be, theoretically, I'm guessing, a million people dead from coronavirus in, what, in two weeks?

[00:38:24]

I think maybe my numbers are off. I think it's yeah, it's it's yeah. It's five thousand that could happen. OK.

[00:38:31]

No, but I mean it's got to be it's got to be through the roof because. Well that's the thing.

[00:38:35]

I think we're either going to it's also going to be higher spikes of, uh, asymptomatic people who test positive for having had it have the antibodies.

[00:38:44]

My friend's brother, she he lives in New York and she said he just went had two tests, like the the tests where they test you for having like, uh, they do like a temperature test.

[00:39:00]

And I don't know if it's related to testing positive in some way. Yeah, he was negative.

[00:39:05]

They tested positive for antibodies. So they were doing so just everyone here doing a drive in movie theater tour heading for June 24th in Charlotte, North Carolina, then Indianapolis, we've added a show in Indianapolis, Tulsa, Oklahoma, and then Fort Collins, Colorado. We've added a show in Fort Collins as well. It's the hot summer night comedy tour. We're doing a drive in movie theaters. It is socially conscious, socially safe, socially. I'm saying socially, everything socially distant.

[00:39:32]

You get in your car, you pull up, you don't have to talk to anyone. All the audio is going to be shot straight through your car, through FM radio, and then it'll be a three camera shoot on the big screen. And I will be performing in front of the big screen. I can't fucking wait. I really, honestly can't wait to get back on the road.

[00:39:47]

What's up with that image on the screen, dude? I had some I paid so many people to make footage and everyone just it's amazing you can't once Brandon gets out of the box, you can't put it back in there like you're a fat balkany. Like, I actually look good in that picture and like Gabby Refat felt. Give me a fat fuck then, right? Well, yeah.

[00:40:08]

I mean, here's the thing is, I could tell you smell and you fuck dogs just by looking at that picture.

[00:40:15]

I just can't wait for the artwork to come in of me like this. Fucking a dog, by the way.

[00:40:21]

I wish I could just get behind it and go, yeah, fuck dogs, let's make this happen.

[00:40:26]

You just do it. Just write a bit about fucking your dog and all ties together. I'm going to make one bit about fucking my dog. Yeah, it's like I got these big dogs, by the way, not even not even joking to them.

[00:40:38]

I like to walk around the house naked in the mornings. The girls are in bed. They don't get up until noon anyway.

[00:40:42]

That's why I like to get in the pool, shower in the pool, all naked, all naked, maybe a few kettlebell swings, get in the sauna.

[00:40:50]

I like being in my backyard naked, right when they're trimming trees at the house next to us. And there's this Mexican guy in the tree up in the tree just watching me just walk around the backyard naked. And then I see him and he just goes, hi, and I'm naked. I go, hey, immediately. I'm like, yeah. In the end, by the way, my dick did not look good anyway. Anyway, did it make your dick hard?

[00:41:10]

And then I fucked my dog. Yeah.

[00:41:12]

And so then I grab it right by the tail, let the tail up and I put it in my belt strap.

[00:41:18]

If you lift the dog anyway the I feel like I'm already making this worse. What. What let's get back to what were we talking about here. Let's talk. Yeah. Yeah. So we're doing a drive in movie theaters June 24th. I thought there are a lot to get out of their cars. They can get out of the car. They know, but you can.

[00:41:35]

Meaning you will have your own little space. OK, so you'll be socially distanced from everyone around you. It's going to be fucking awesome. I can't wait to get back on the road. That's exciting. So, yeah, it's going to be a great time. But we're doing covid tests right before we leave. Oh yeah. And we set it up and I go, I was like, hold on, why are we going to do before we leave?

[00:41:55]

And they're like, What? You mean like if anyone's got fucking covid they can't get in the fucking bus? I would have ranzcog got covid like what if we do the task? I run a positive tour's off and on a bus driver and then I'm like, wait, we need to do it like fourteen days before and then isolate and they're like, well that's not going to work gly it's already. We are we leave on the 17th of July, June.

[00:42:17]

Oh. And so they're like it's going to be, that's going to be but you should probably test today. Yeah. And now Shane is going to the fucking marches. Where are the march today in North Hollywood, Georgia. Wanted to go to the fucking march. And I was like, baby, I go, listen, I want you to be a part of all that I've been in a march for. It's really fucking moving. It really is moving to be in a peaceful protest.

[00:42:38]

It is fucking overwhelming to be with people and have everyone on the same fucking page.

[00:42:44]

Yeah, but I said where I was like, you know. I don't know everything that's going on with the coronavirus, and I just feel like in the middle of a pandemic, you're 15 years old, turning 16. I don't want you going down there. You won't get it, but you'll bring it back to us. I'm talking high blood pressure. They say there's a cardiovascular vascular disease. I think you would feel horrible if you went down the protests and killed your dad or your mom or we gave it to popinjay or we gave it like it's like so fucking complicated.

[00:43:08]

And I wish now I wish where the fuck is everyone coming out and saying, just so you know, like no one's saying anything.

[00:43:15]

I watched I was this black dude hugging cops, like left in this hug and going down the line and hug them. They're all hugging. And this guy on the news was like, oh, don't you miss hugging people?

[00:43:25]

And I went, we're not supposed to do that. Yeah, like like someone.

[00:43:30]

But no, I know it's kind of crazy that I mean, this obviously this this huge movements happening. You can feel it.

[00:43:39]

It's undeniable. But to put the pandemic on the back burner, like every day, you're like, oh, yeah, that's still going on. Right.

[00:43:46]

It's it's it could it could backfire or it could be like that's kind of what what I'm hopeful for is that her herd immunity, herd immunity is accelerated.

[00:43:56]

Yeah. I mean, it makes sense that it would be. And also we were going to mention that Gaffigan also doing. Yeah, Gaffigan is also doing a drive in movie theater. To our shout out to Jim Gaffigan. Thank you for making me valid. I'll probably be doing as interesting that he puts all the material under there. Yeah, well, I think he has to make Radio City Music Hall July twenty third. Those are probably, I'm guessing, delayed Radio City music of July 24th.

[00:44:21]

Those are all going to be delayed. What do you think's going to happen?

[00:44:23]

But I'll tell you what, how great would it be if these protests do create herd immunity? Could be an all sudden black people save our country. They're like, do I mean, like they go in, they protest, they fucking herd immunity immunized, and we all we do is we isolate when you are at a health risk. Yeah, but they just it just accelerates it so that now all of a sudden we can go back to fucking like that would be it would be amazing.

[00:44:50]

Amazing. Yeah. I'm so ready to get back to regular life. Yeah. I'm still being very conscious and I, and I feel stupid doing it because no one else is. Yeah. You know. Did you ever think the world would be this way? No, 20-20 really has kicked us in the balls like this. This is was pretty unexpected, man.

[00:45:09]

I mean, I never thought I would live through a pandemic.

[00:45:12]

I just thought we were too advanced technologically to think, oh, I'm sure there's because there was like those stories, movies and even news things that are like, oh, you know, the bio warfare is a possibility.

[00:45:27]

And, you know, people could and you're like, it does not happen. I'm sure there's something in place.

[00:45:32]

And what it revealed was just how you think the people in charge will just like got you.

[00:45:40]

You know, like, well, you know, the powers, they'll just take care of this. And then what it reveals is like, oh, no, they're as unorganized as your neighbor. You know, it's like I thought they would be at another level advanced taking care of things. And you're like, oh, this is a disaster the way it's handled.

[00:45:56]

And then, you know, the the George Floyd thing. I think the fact that that happened during this exacerbated the reaction, like the reaction would have been there regardless, I think. Yeah, but it's like the pent up frustration, anger that people feel separate from that is heightened when it happens.

[00:46:17]

You know, it's not it's I can't excuse looting at all. Yeah. I just I just wasn't right. But you understand what I do understand. Like why I understand the feeling of I don't have fucking anything and this is my opportunity to get something. Yeah. Yeah. Like I get that like I get that concept. I do explain it to the girls. To explain looting and saying, no, that is so funny, the way they fucking see the world, I was like, how do they how do they find their sizes?

[00:46:45]

I was like, what? She's like, I'd be so panicked going, like, I got to get the right. She was watching them with the Vänskä. She was like, just trying to find my side.

[00:46:53]

I thought about that, too. That's hilarious. I saw a lady run out with like four shoe boxes, like she got she got a river size, like, you know, I have a hard time trying. Do you think there's people trying on clothes?

[00:47:05]

This little girl on the shoe? One is like you're like these are too tight, like.

[00:47:13]

Snaggle shoes don't fit oh, what size did you get? I know you are what you got got to have got so funny like you just look at it.

[00:47:26]

I could. I say I couldn't. I'll tell you what I'm starting to do now in life is go. But I have never been presented the opportunity and I don't know how I behave.

[00:47:36]

And that opportunity is this reminds me of the I didn't realize I mean, I've I've heard. But like this brought about the conversation more about shooting someone who comes into your home state by state, how different the the state laws are.

[00:47:53]

I did not know this and I've been sleeping with a gun, so keep going.

[00:47:57]

Well, in there are states where even if an intruder is in your home, if you shoot them, you know, you can go to jail.

[00:48:06]

OK, is that California, um, pull up California shooting.

[00:48:10]

I've just been like, fucking tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Fucking Teran tactical. Yeah, I'm locked and loaded.

[00:48:17]

One in the chamber fucking.

[00:48:20]

You know what's crazy is how how fucking neurotic I am is you really feel like all of a sudden they're going to come to your house and you're like, there's millions of fucking.

[00:48:27]

I know what it says actually in California. I don't I don't know. I mean, I know we have what's called Terryn and find Terryn would know, right? Definitely he would know. Do we still have his number?

[00:48:38]

I don't know. Yes, I have. Yeah, yeah, Caltrain, OK, tell him I want a new gun. And hey, by the way, Second Amendment. Yeah, is the one about guns, right? Yeah, I'm not going anywhere for the rest of our lives, OK?

[00:48:58]

Yeah, I'm going to ask. OK, I'm going to call right now. Yes, tell them you're with me, because I haven't talk to him and I feel like he needs me, OK? Hey, Taryn, I'm recording a podcast right now with my friend Bert Krischer. And we wanted to ask your opinion on something because I was talking about, you know, how we're talking about how everything going on brings about certain things that you realize.

[00:49:27]

And I was saying that like state by state, there's different laws about, like, I know other states where if somebody breaks in your home, certain states have laws about even if you shoot an intruder, you can get in trouble, you know, like so and we were and then Burt brought up because what about California?

[00:49:44]

And I was like, actually, I know we have restrictive gun laws, but do you know what the law is in this state for an intruder? I'm not totally sure that she's a Wall Street regular, I think if they busted in your life is in danger, you have the right to shoot them. OK, I would think so.

[00:50:01]

But I know that there's certain states where they're like, nope, you, uh, you just got to talk them down.

[00:50:07]

I think we're good here unless you new and changes that are something. But I think I think we're pretty good, OK. Like some guy in your house to kill you and you shot them like you did with the law. Was that would you rather be dead or get prosecuted and get out tomorrow?

[00:50:25]

Yeah, no, I know it seems like a very silly that one's always you know, there's a lot of nuance and details to go back and forth about laws and everything. But the one about protecting your home always seemed to be clear cut, like, of course, someone's going to protect their their home and their livelihood, like the lives in their home. But I don't know, I just I forgot what state maybe it's Illinois where they're like, you cannot.

[00:50:50]

Doesn't matter what happens.

[00:50:52]

I'm sure the audience can answer that in a heartbeat. Yeah, you're right. You're right here.

[00:50:56]

Gullo, we just wanted to hold on.

[00:50:58]

I want to say I want to talk to you. Hey, I got to I know I think I've said this to you, but I got to thank you because I now with everything that's been going on, I feel so comfortable with a firearm in my house and I would not have if I hadn't worked with you. So thank you.

[00:51:13]

Well, you're welcome. I mean, literally, everybody is coming to get something from me to get ready. I don't want them just having guns willy nilly. I want them to have a good safe, make sure it's not near the children or they can get to it. The worst thing can happen is, you know, if something bad happens that way, but as long as they have it, worst case scenario, that they can get to it.

[00:51:32]

And even with that flashlight laser Kilrea, you're looking down a laser at a gun in your face. You must be a complete lunatic. You want to, you know, keep going forward. So, yeah, in that case, guess what? You shoot them, you have no choice. I mean, you're defending your life. So, yeah, like I'm like today literally every stop in every Hollywood producer, director, actor out of the woodwork is coming out like, oh, I know, I know.

[00:51:59]

I don't know if I don't know if you know this, but I sent one your way. One guy that's produced a bunch of movies and worked with you and I mentioned your name, he goes, I know him. I've worked with him. I was like, I'd call Darren. And he did. And ended up, I think, getting a gun, getting a gun or getting whatever. I don't know what how it works.

[00:52:15]

You yeah. I'm getting them all squared away. I should have done the safe locked in a killer with a bad analogy, but a good lock box that they can get, you know, get you in in time, but not have it laying around the house, you know.

[00:52:28]

Yeah, I tell you. I'll tell you, man, it's so nice having worked with you, because I just feel I just feel confident in knowing that I'm safe with it. Is that makes sense, you know.

[00:52:38]

And, you know, when someone just says, no, I don't want to end up in a Lamborghini, you know, stick shift to some of them driving a car before coming down the street, like you got a little bit of training with it, you know, and you don't want to listen to that flashlight later on, there is going to be something shorter. So, yeah, yeah. I like your training and knowing how to use it, not to lean it on the house loaded, you know, without that alone.

[00:53:02]

So I want to come shoot with you again. I had a great time. Yeah.

[00:53:06]

Let's just pick it. Do you guys. We'll do it soon, ok?

[00:53:10]

Awesome. Awesome. Hey Karen. Thank you man. I don't need to say stay safe to you, but stay safe. You know, it's a good thing.

[00:53:17]

Safe SATs. They're coming to see me, but not everybody. So I'm getting some getting set on night vision and everything else. Oh, gosh.

[00:53:26]

Here I go. Tom's grabbing the phone out of my hand. Oh, wait a minute. You said what's happening Saturday?

[00:53:32]

There's an announcement. Last Saturday was at a competition and what's left is a Simi Valley is doing down place. The Rodney King got let go and W. your stupid ass, whatever. So this Saturday, they're coming. I don't know if it's going to be anything massive. I think it's dying down. I hope it's not right what's going on out there. But but they're coming to see me on Saturday, so I've got to get ready for that. So, I mean, I've gotten ready the other day.

[00:53:57]

I've got everything I got. So many guys are going to help me. But, yeah, I'm pretty set up. The cops will focus on the main road. The other day when this first happened, they announced it and I woke up in the morning. All their is like, do you guys are fucking awesome? What are we going to train tomorrow? They're so cool.

[00:54:16]

Oh, good. Well, I'm glad you're you're you're definitely safe and protected. And yeah, I hope I hope it's a nice, calm weekend, man.

[00:54:25]

I'll definitely be in touch with you soon, buddy. I'll give you a call. Thanks. Thanks. They're all right. All right. So funny.

[00:54:31]

He first of all, I misunderstood. I thought when he said he said Saturday we're coming to see me. I thought he meant they're coming to see me. He means to see me. Val.

[00:54:41]

Yeah. I was like, what? When I heard him say, they're coming to see me, I got night vision goggles on them. Shit.

[00:54:47]

It's like, oh, my God. Did you catch his jab at the guy? Your new. Yeah, a lot of people don't like that guy. I know a lot of people don't like him more Garcetti. He's got such a villain's name. Did you see imagine like just imagine, regardless of your politics or anything that they marched to his house yesterday.

[00:55:09]

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[00:58:21]

Hey man, you know who's getting fuckin big props these days is alse translators.

[00:58:28]

Yeah they're all over the place. I don't remember them being like this really. I don't ever remember ever.

[00:58:35]

Giving a speech is every every like cycle. There's a fake interpreter who dupes people.

[00:58:43]

And if we had one every year, every year, there's there's some of it will they'll be like interpreter. And then he'll be like, oh, I like how they just let some fucking Yahoo!

[00:58:55]

Come in and go like I when they're like, not real.

[00:58:59]

Somebody that didn't offend absolutely everyone. It does. I would love that opportunity to just go like a bird. Can you did you ever did you ever see that was an SNL sketch. You ever see that where they were like, see if you can find SNL.

[00:59:18]

No. What do you speak, sign language? Yeah, I know a little bit. Is this a new podcast you got coming up? Yeah, by the way, all the little jokes I was making about you this weekend fucking so hilarious. What do you mean? Nothing? I'll tell you off because you wouldn't like them the way. Do you really speak my language?

[00:59:37]

This is couch. I know a little bit, but I mean, what were your jokes? I going to tell them on the air. Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm going to get upset. No, no, no, no, no change subject.

[00:59:47]

I would love an opportunity to do sign language one time if they're like guys. We have a really happy speech. Governor Gavin Newsom is going to be up here. Normally we have a sign language translator, but just try to lighten it up, which is proper Chrysler. He's going to improvise on language. I mean, I wonder if I could express my thoughts to someone who was deaf by just just like trying. Yeah, just trying it for the first time.

[01:00:11]

I wonder if I could wing fine language and they'd understand what I was saying.

[01:00:15]

I think it depends on how complicated the message is. How many deaf people you think we have watches. Probably for you. Do you think when a lot of people put those caps on and watch it? Yeah, really? Sure. Why not? OK, let's try it. OK. What would you like to do?

[01:00:30]

Say something and see if I can improv sign language. You get the point across. OK, so if you're deaf. How is this going to work? Yeah, if you're deaf, don't look at the closed captioning, OK? You say it all improv, sign language and then and then say it again so they know what you said. OK, OK, go ahead. It would be nice to get can you just do like it would be OK?

[01:00:57]

OK, I'd like to get a seat on a space X flight to the moon and possibly in the future, Mars.

[01:01:09]

You know that. Yeah, but it's a lot harder than it thought I thought it was going to be. How about last night I ran 10 miles. After 20, after drinking a bunch of wine. I did I did do that, I got on the treadmill with you. Amanda Seales is leaving the real. I knew that was going to happen, why? I've been watching her live stream. She was saying, I think it just wasn't giving her the place to be yourself.

[01:01:45]

I think that it's hard for someone like her who's very opinionated, very open, very transparent with everything and just say it and doesn't mind getting in trouble for what she says to be on a corporate television show like that where they're like, can you stay within the box?

[01:02:02]

The reason that Rogan is doing his podcast, you want to reach out to someone like Amanda in those times and go and hit her up and go, just do your own do your own podcast. Doesn't she already have one? I think she does. I think it's I think she does. But but it's like just take it to the next level to where Roman's doing it. I wanted to do that to Bijou Phillips and go just busy. Philipps busy fellow.

[01:02:22]

Yeah. And go, hey, just do a podcast like you had a great show. The thing that was fucking it up for busy Phillips is that she had to cram it in to a five minute segment and make her every five minutes.

[01:02:32]

But I imagine Amanda would be a very big podcast if she's doing it like regularly, you know, like like the way Joe does it. Yeah, I have a huge following.

[01:02:42]

I listen to her do a livestream of Snoop Dogg this morning and fucking love Snoop Dogg.

[01:02:46]

Yeah, I Snoop Dogg is like it's crazy that he's gotten he's like a fine wine the more like now when he talks it's like almost like you're like really listen like he's like when he was a kid, his big game, it was just fun to listen to him.

[01:03:01]

Yeah. But now it's like oh yeah. And it's weird that you grew up with him. I know. Isn't it crazy that like I feel like I really know Snoop Dogg.

[01:03:09]

I think ninety ninety two or ninety three would have been the album. Right Snoop.

[01:03:15]

It was, it was ninety two because I want to say it was ninety two because I was living maybe it was ninety three. I remember my buddy Scott O'Brien who Obie who does not listen to hip hop at all was like, do you listen to Snoop Dogg's album. And I was like no, because I was like I know hip hop and it wasn't on my radar.

[01:03:31]

Ninety three. Ninety three.

[01:03:33]

I remember listening to the chronic the first time and being like who we me Sal came in Sean Hooker. Like we're all about to go water skiing on the Hillsboro River and they put the chronic in my car. My car's parked in the middle of a field. Yeah. And. I remember and we lit a joint and we were having two beers and I heard the chronic and I went, oh, I'm going to buy this immediately.

[01:04:02]

Yeah, it looks amazing.

[01:04:03]

God, yeah. I went to his house, Dr. Drew's house to look at it.

[01:04:11]

To buy it. Yeah. Not the one he lives in now, but we keep what shut up. It was weird. So I put it together. I didn't know I didn't know what I was. They didn't advertise that I love my favorite things to do.

[01:04:25]

Yeah. When you were looking for was trying to figure out what they did for a living.

[01:04:28]

Oh, yes. I'm in this house. It's weird as shit, OK? It's like a castle.

[01:04:33]

That should be a fucking game show. If we could do a game show. Yeah. We should bring get three contestants, put them into a house and they have to profile the person and see who's the most person. And then we reveal the person. The person comes in and you're like, you're wrong. He was a dentist close enough. You bought a Hollywood writer. Keep going. Keep going.

[01:04:53]

So I I'm I tore the house. If that's a good idea, take that off the show so we can sell that. That's a good idea. I love profiling people.

[01:05:03]

I love it. I love going in and going into a house and going, you know, the thing is you're good at profiling people.

[01:05:09]

I'm fucking amazing, dude. I was so good. I'm I told you when we did when we did the the cabin, we were looking at houses and I was looking at houses at that time.

[01:05:18]

What does that come out. I don't know. Soonish we to. Yeah OK.

[01:05:23]

But tell me the story about Dr. Dre. God damn it. I'm doing it again.

[01:05:26]

OK, so we go into this. It's a gated community and we're going to look at this house and it just it looks like a castle look kind of crazy. We go inside and there's a grand entrance and you're like, OK.

[01:05:40]

And immediately there's something that stands out. You're like, this looks like over here, this dining area, this looks like new, super nice. Then you go to this the office like the the man's office. And I'm like, oh, this is like super nice. Was there like a deejay saying, no, no, just like a nice, like office set up and you go to like the outback patio area and again into the pool and you're like, this is dope.

[01:06:07]

Like, it looks like it was recently done.

[01:06:09]

And then you turn this way and you're looking in the kitchen and you're like, this looks 35 years old, like the kitchen.

[01:06:14]

The kitchen looks thirty five years old. You're like like you look at the other room, you're like that looks so new.

[01:06:20]

This looks so dated. So you you're like, OK, that's kind of interesting, and then I go, Kitchin, this looks pretty old. He's like, well, the owner, you know, didn't really use the kitchen much. I'm like, what do you mean?

[01:06:36]

He's like, well, he had a staff that uses the the kitchen. And I was like a staff. He's like, yeah. Like people cook for him. I was like, OK, OK.

[01:06:46]

So are you going like now. First I just go got married. I go yeah I go OK. And then we walk to another room so outdated.

[01:06:55]

I was like, what the fuck man. And then we go up the stairs and there's a room that's like feels about 25 years old and the hallway like 50 years old.

[01:07:07]

And then there's a movie theater that's like new and you're like, it's all the shit that he loves.

[01:07:13]

Yes.

[01:07:13]

Update that he cared about and then all the other stuff incredibly outdated. So we keep walking through and I go, whose room is this? And they're like, this was the daughter's room. But she's he oh, he mentioned before he goes somebody in the music industry.

[01:07:26]

And I go, OK, I'm not even thinking like that. Then he goes, well, that's the daughter wasn't here. But then, you know, she is going to school now. And I turn. I go, is it Dr. Dre?

[01:07:37]

I go, whoa. How did you do that? Because I remember news about his daughter, like it was just in my head by his daughter going to USC.

[01:07:45]

And when I said it, the guy was like, yeah, I go, yeah, yeah. And then yeah. Then the other people were like, how the fuck do you know that I go?

[01:07:52]

Because I know that is his. I was just I don't know. It was a random guy.

[01:07:55]

I a music industry said the daughter went to school and then. Oh and then we go in the garage and there's just three guys sitting in the garage. Right.

[01:08:04]

And I was like, who do they come with the house guys. Yeah.

[01:08:07]

They're just like hanging out. And he goes whenever we show the house, he sends security, got like his guys to the house.

[01:08:16]

I was like, oh, so there's like a couple paintings in a car in the garage.

[01:08:21]

And I was like, all right, man, pretty cool.

[01:08:25]

And then they were asking I thought I was like, they're asking. They're asking only crazy when you go, you have to put so much into this house, all the stuff.

[01:08:35]

It's not updated. Right.

[01:08:37]

I'll give you a redo the entire second floor. This is a new this is a spin off. This is a segment for us.

[01:08:45]

We find a realtor. OK, OK. Who takes us each episode. These are for YouTube. Two two bears.

[01:08:52]

One cave real agree to have video cameras. One hundred percent. Anyone is trying to sell a house is going to love the fucking like like you get cool celebrities. Like there's people, celebrities put their house on the market like Tommy Lee just put his house on the market in Malibu. It would have been cool to go through that house menu.

[01:09:10]

Yeah, we don't know whose house it is. Right. We get there and the realtor starts walking us through and we've got to figure out whose house it is by going through their shit. Yeah, that would be so much fucking fun. Can we do that? You know, a realtor that can get us like a high end celebrity realtor that can find the celebrities willing to let us do it.

[01:09:27]

Yeah, probably. Let's do it. That would be so much fucking fun.

[01:09:31]

Dude, I had so much fun looking at houses. Yeah. And figuring out what people did for a living by looking at their shoes. Like but it's like it really is like serial killer shit, like what a profiler does. Like when you when the profiler like this killer loves to watch his victim, you know, like going through their house. I had so much fun.

[01:09:49]

We went to one house where, like, you could immediately go, hang on, is this like we went to one house and I picked out the guy was a dentist like this. And then like, how did you know he's a dentist? And I was like, you could smell the dentist office in his closet. Yeah, my wife's like, what? I come on in. She's like, God damn it.

[01:10:09]

Here's the only thing that threw me is this guy had little tiny liquor bottles all lined up.

[01:10:14]

So I thought he traveled. So like he had little tiny liquor bottles in his closet, old house.

[01:10:19]

It was an old house, like all old mahogany, like dark redwood and like low ceilings.

[01:10:25]

So it was like it was it was like, dude, it's so amazing. You can tell so much about someone when you walk into their house.

[01:10:31]

Yeah. I wonder we don't even need to buy the house. So now the house doesn't even need to be for sale. Tom, we can just go into celebrities houses and them not tell us.

[01:10:41]

Oh, I guess they probably like people.

[01:10:43]

Do you how bad, by the way, that I once I figured it out.

[01:10:46]

First of all, you can tell Rogan's house in a fucking heartbeat. Like if you want to Rogan's house, you're like this a deprivation tank. Is that Joe Rogan? Yeah. You know, keep going. Keep going.

[01:10:55]

No, I just write away the whole tour. I just kept like the rest. Once I figured it out, every room I would be in, I was like. Did did 50 come over here and they worked on the like, I just was like, oh, you can't. I would I would tour would take forever. Is this where he he first put on his beats by Dre?

[01:11:15]

If this were Snoop came in and he first went, maybe he came to his house and started spitting rhymes when I saw I mean I just saw the movie. Yeah.

[01:11:23]

No it was that I could not stop thinking about that and then like a part of me because I didn't want the house like I would just want it.

[01:11:31]

No, but that's the thing. I kept going like yeah but I should try to buy this house because it's drays house and then I'll live and raise all the creative energy.

[01:11:38]

Yes. Fucking came out. I want to ask him his greatness.

[01:11:41]

So the magnets have lined up so that that house creates great shit.

[01:11:45]

I think that about my man kind of I was accepting an offer way under because I'm sure that first of all he was just like, just sell his fucking house.

[01:11:52]

It's not I hope I mean, I hope I get that rich that I don't give a fuck about things.

[01:11:57]

Yeah, he's really rich, but I'm I care so much about things that, like, I can't I don't want to get rid of our house, like, are the one we live in. Yeah. Because I go all the good shit happened to me in this house. He moved to a house that's forty million dollars.

[01:12:13]

How do you afford that. Like how did it like that. You, you have a producing career like him and then you also have beats by Dre headphones like so crazy.

[01:12:22]

Do you remember when you were younger in this, in this world. I say in this business but in L.A. you remember when you're younger and you go to someone's house and be like, how do you have a house?

[01:12:30]

Yes. Do you know, one time I went to a house, I forgot the circumstances of how I ended up there. I think I was there with. I don't know. Anyways, when we're in this house, I look around and it's in it's in like, you know, north of Sunset, those hill homes, right?

[01:12:48]

Like if you're driving on sunset. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go up in those hills. Yeah. It's like really nice Sunset Plaza. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I end up in a house up there and I'm like twenty three or four.

[01:13:00]

I'm with somebody anyways I end up going I'm so young and I'm so I'm looking at the house, I go what does this guy do. And they go he's a he's a producer. And I just I'm looking at his fridge and he has a glass See-Through fridge with different drinks lined up.

[01:13:17]

And I'm like I'm just like staring with my mouth open at his different. Pelligrino is like flavors. And I go, do I know any of the movies?

[01:13:27]

Like, he was like I mean, he names the movies. And I was like, this guy fucking does. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe I was like, I go, I've never heard of this guy. And he has this house. I thought anybody with a house like this, you would just recognize them.

[01:13:42]

Oh yeah. Oh, I went to I went to a music producer's house one time and I just kept going like I was like, how does he afford this? How much is it like saying stuff like that? I went to a party one time, someone's house, and Julia Roberts was there.

[01:13:55]

And I was like, Dude, I wish I wish I was I wish I was cooler when I was younger because I spent the whole party trying to pony up side by Julia Roberts and Emoter so that they'd think I was cool, invite me into their circle, get me into a movie and I could start a career course.

[01:14:13]

I, I was so blown away at the concept of Julia, like it was like, yeah, I remember so distinctly going to people's houses that were me and Lianne's age and they had a house and I remember going, getting in the car with the ongoing.

[01:14:30]

How do they do that. Like how do you do that. It seems so foreign, especially in L.A. And I got to preface this with that land. It maybe it's easier to get houses in like Florida or Texas or Oklahoma or wherever. But in L.A., it's houses are so expensive crazy that you'd go I go the down payment ten percent every house you'd go to back then, every house like a million dollars doesn't seem like right. And I'm like, how do they you know, how do you save a hundred thousand dollars.

[01:14:54]

Like to this day I go, how do you, how does someone do that. Like yeah it seems like now it's 20 percent you know that's like the minimum.

[01:15:03]

Yeah. It, it blows me away. I remember I still have this feeling like if there's a financial hiccup like say a neighbor call, I remember my buddy Chris Gilan had a house that and I remember being like he was like, you got to buy a house. And I was like, I remember going, like, I don't have any money. Like where do you get money? And he was like, balloon payments, balloon payments. And I was like, really busy paying off in one day.

[01:15:26]

You got to figure it out. You'll figure it out by then.

[01:15:28]

But I remember a lot of guys did that. Yeah. I remember him saying, God damn it, my neighbors called in because they had redone their garage and some neighborhood called in and said that was an illegal redo. Oh my God. And I was like, what are you going to do? I remember thinking I'd be destroyed, financially destroyed. It's so crazy.

[01:15:48]

I remember going to Joe's house for the first time. Mm hmm. I remember being. This is what can you see the first time I went on Rogan, what year that was the year 2010. Do you remember going to John's house for the first time? Yeah, like what was the things that you remember? Because Joe was the first genuinely rich person I ever met, like where I was like. The good never mind, never mind. Never mind Hulston or Nadav, I'm I keep saying Hulston, I remember going to his office and being like, I wish I could get to a place where I had shit I didn't want.

[01:16:33]

All right. Like, remember, he just had, like, Flashlight's to the ceiling and like and he'd be like, take take a flashlight, grab some vitamins. Like, yeah, I remember being like, if I could get to a place where I had stuff that I didn't want, like I would be, I would, I would have made it.

[01:16:48]

Yeah. I remember being so flawed like I remember is like he was like, you want a coffee. And I was like he would take me like a half an hour to make someone a coffee. Like at the time. Yeah. I couldn't just make you a coffee. We make coffee in the morning. You make a pot of it. Me Illiad. Yeah. I could make your coffee.

[01:17:07]

It was like the little things like that were so impressive back in the day where you get you lose sight of it maybe. Yeah, I mean, I remember going to his house and, uh, yeah, just being like, I don't know, you just know when you're in, like, a nice house, you know, I mean, when you're like, this isn't like most people's house, a nice fucking house. And that it's like. It's broken out, you know, where you're like, I mean, it will be over here and other people over there and you won't even know that they're like, you know, it's like the size of the house, things like that.

[01:17:42]

But you know, what's crazy is that his wife was so regular. Right? Like she wasn't like like she just came in in regular clothes. Yeah. You're in a really nice house. Yeah. And she came in regular clothes and I was like like you'd expect everyone to be in, like, gown outfits. It sounds crazy because, you know, I, I'm sure Joe would be like it was it was a great fucking house. And I remember going in and being like being like, hey, because I was a fan of his before I met him and being like, can I see I got to see a couple of things.

[01:18:07]

I was like, I was here. Deprivation tank was your pool table and meet your dog. Yeah, I want to get high and then we can do a podcast. And he was like, Oh, we're waiting for a band anyway. And then seeing the deprivation tank and being like, how did they get this in here?

[01:18:20]

I remember seeing the garage and having a hard on because he had lifts for his cars and then he had a whole fucking fight, fight, Matt, fight that with televisions.

[01:18:30]

And he's like, yeah, I watch fights and I, I act them out great. Yeah. I remember seeing that being like this is the shit. Yeah. You know what people say when they see my house? It's so small, I know what they're like, it's so much smaller.

[01:18:46]

Like I see I've seen on on Instagram. It looks big. It's not that big.

[01:18:49]

And I go, yeah, I get that a lot. You go, it makes me feel good. Yeah. Things you know, I say that again ever so many people is that they go it's really small. Like I just want to hear from Normandy in the backyard.

[01:19:00]

How do you actually survive here. I know. And then there's no way to say like I'm trying to be responsible with my money because people just in L.A. do not get that. They're like, yeah, but you make money, right? I mean, I make money and they're like, but why are you spending it? I'm like, I broke my whole life and I'm terrified of losing it.

[01:19:18]

Yeah. God, I'm in a great mood. You are in a good mood. I was in a shit mood yesterday. You ran with your wine and that made you do better, I.

[01:19:28]

I got it was it was a throwback night last night, and you look good. Thank you. You look great, man. You lifting weights, it's like four days a week.

[01:19:37]

It's not that big of a deal. Then I got on the phone. It was great because I was in a bad mood all day yesterday, just deal. I think everything's been so heavy this weekend and I have I've been online kind of trying to process information and watching a lot of stuff and trying, I don't know, just trying to listen. And it can be heavy and parent to kids with the pandemic and the protests and everything and please for all the shit.

[01:20:04]

And then I got on and I was superheavy. I sat with Lee in the front yard. He bought me a coffee, she bought me a sweetened iced coffee.

[01:20:11]

And I was like, well, I'm already angry at her. She fucking posted she posted the black blacktail on her Instagram.

[01:20:20]

And I love my wife. I love her so much. She posts volatile and then uses hashtag Black Lives Matter. And then I go, hey, you got to change your hashtag. And she's like, no, I have to do anything. And I go, No, hold on. You do. Because that now that that's clogging up the feed of black lives. But know I'm doing the right thing, can you just take it for me? And then and then I said and then I and then I look at her comments and it's all like I know.

[01:20:44]

Noticed your husband has it like this. Is that because he's the most right.

[01:20:47]

And I'm and then I'm like, hey babe, can you. I was like, never mind. And then she goes, no, I'm going to write to these people saying that shit that if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say nothing at all. And I do not write that. Please don't write that. And then I was and then I fucking melting down and she's like, I got you an iced coffee. And I was like, oh great.

[01:21:05]

I took a sip and I was like, OK. And she was like, Really? I got you a nice coffee. And then she goes, Why do you want cream with your coffee? And I was like, Not now, not now. And then she goes, You need a glass of wine or something. And then I fucking called you and I was like, I'm opening a bottle of wine, I'm getting on the treadmill. And then I just got on the treadmill, ran ten miles and there's so much better and amazing.

[01:21:26]

It's exciting to let the audience know there's a whole new lane that they can explore. Yes. Burt smells bad.

[01:21:32]

So excited for this Foxton. Can I tell you? Can I tell you this is why this is why I'm excited for this. Tell me. Because it's the slow joke.

[01:21:41]

It's the slow joke where I will be sitting at Georgia's softball game in the near future when they open this up. One of these parents will be talking to another parent and they'll be staring at me and then I'll hear them go and I'll go, God damn it.

[01:21:59]

And then you'll laugh and then I'll fucking laugh. And then or someone will be like, Hey, man, do you have a dog? And I'll be like, I got a couple. It happens so much where they go with like people go, Oh, George, his dad's a comedian. Oh, he's got a million followers. Let's take a look.

[01:22:14]

And you're like, oh, fuck, this guy doesn't shower. I can't wait for the slow reveal of it. It's like being on a plane next to somebody and then recognizing you, but not saying it and Googling you and then going like what I man, can I get a coffee filter, please?

[01:22:29]

What I love the most is somebody I'm like you. In six months, meeting someone and they'll be like, you don't smell that bad and you'll be like, no, I don't know. You like I smell like a fucking bag of vomit, but everybody keeps saying, I'm like, you stink.

[01:22:48]

I can't wait. I can't wait for the small. There's the best delivery of these jokes has always been the small, petite white girl who comes to the show by herself. And I can't wait till the one time she's doing the meat and she comes back, she goes, can we get a picture? I go, Yeah. And they go to take the picture. And she goes in the middle of the picture and the picture is her gagging next.

[01:23:11]

Yeah, of course it's going to happen. I can't wait for all the fucking I'm really excited about the fact that I smell like shit.

[01:23:20]

But you love all people.

[01:23:22]

I love everyone. I love in my heart for everyone. There you go. There we go. All right. That's a perfect that's a perfect ending. See you guys next week. I love you guys. I love every single one of you guys. And I love you, Tom.

[01:23:32]

I love you, too. But Tom, Tom one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in third snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what. Because there's. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call so you focus on Katie.