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Let's start to show you this, this is very, very, very, very hot and looking good, looking good. He's burned Krischer and just put the pedal to the metal. There's a perfect way to start off the show, about 12 years in the making. It's going to be a fucking shit show. Not everyone is going to get a hundred percent.

I thought we sold you last night.

Please tell me, did we start? Are you guys ready? Yeah, we're ready now.

What happened?

What did you do? It was awesome. It was awesome. We did this thing where it's like, imagine if you're both sitting in a chair. OK, so imagine you both sitting in chairs. These your legs. Right. But then you do this or like this. This. That's how you had sex last year. And it was and you could it was awesome. It was awesome. She's skinny now. She's always been skinny. She's always been attractive.

Are we are we recording now. Good God, she's skinny now. And so. So like her body looks awesome. Oh fucking great. She did like some sideways, sideways sidesaddle Australia covering the people.

Courtemanche do you record and no she would never fucking let me record it. Do just you know you should do oh I should go back in time and record it when we were both fucking hot.

No just fucking start mount like hiding cameras in the room and then, and then what you do is you pull the footage and then one night you're like, what do you feel like watching you just pull it up, you know, you so funny. You watch your cry.

I took pictures, I would take pictures. I was back before you could they would say, hey, someone screengrab your face time call. They now they tell you, yeah, I would take pictures of FaceTime calls when she was naked and then I just had them all on my phone and the girl saw them and they're like, why is Mom naked and eyeless lands?

Like what the fuck the dude. I had so many back in the day when we used to do those vivid video and like it was like when I was married, but I didn't know I was married, married, you know, like I was like, I can still go to the Playboy Mansion and be around naked Jackson pictures. Yeah. Now I'd still do it, by the way. But I remember taking a picture with one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my entire life, where at the Playboy, they had a Playboy mansion in Malibu.

Oh, like another property, another property. It was a beach house. And they were like, hey, it's like fucking three grand for the day. You just got to go and be funny on camera. And I was like, huh? And they're like little johns there. It's just it's like they're just shooting videos. And so I just went up and I had to do is drink. I think Adam Hunter was there like like that that movie, you know, when I said I'm here, one hunter, you know what comics were like.

Ben Gleib was there like it was like hooked in through that scene. And they were like, oh, you want to do it? I'm like, fuck yeah, dude. The most beautiful, the most beautiful chick to this. I mean, like, I won.

I would love to see what she looks like now because, you know, it's not going to be the same.

But like and and she I was like, hey, you want to get a picture? And she was like, yeah. And she just top off to that.

And that was in my iCloud forever. Like it would come up and George and I go, Oh, it's dad's girlfriend as a joke. Yeah. And but then people would hear that would be like, oh, dad's really got a girlfriend.

So I realized why I pinpointed why I don't cheat on them. Why on the car ride over you just realize it on the car ride over because. Yeah, because I've been like I've, I've never cheated on her and I've always been respectful of our relationship, which is not the case in any of my past relationships. You've never been respectful of them?

Uh, I've cheated on fucking everybody. How come they don't care about them?

Why do you think. OK, so why do you what did you pinpoint on your way over?

Last week, we were talking about commencement speeches right before the show, I was like, we should do something about commencement speeches.

Yeah.

So I was like pinpointing like, what would I highlight to a college graduate on how to live your life? Like, if you're starting from this point, what are my key tenants like the the pillars that I hang my hat on. Right. Yeah. So no one was humility like that. But that's not me. My dad put that in me. So I think it's good if you're like I'm the fucking best on the best comic. I know I'm the greatest.

I know I'm dope. I'm fucking awesome. You're not. You're just not. That's the truth. If you have to say it out loud to yourself and tell the people you're actually not, usually we say it to you. Right. Like a lot of people have said it to Bill Burr. How often do you think Bill Burroughs like man, I know on the greatest time he shuts down. Yeah. He goes, hey, please don't say that I'm not.

He becomes a dick. Yeah. He actually becomes a little aggressive raise. Like, go tell Reagan he's the best. Hey, sit down, Chapell, and tell him how he's the goat.

Just like you ruined the conversation.

So humility is number one, right? The second one was a roll the dice. I love rolling the dice.

I love the idea of, like, fuck it, let's get in the car, see what happens.

I mean, my whole career has been like bad ideas turning out into good things, fat shaming. I don't think either of us saw that going well now. Yeah, right. Fucking everything I've ever done with you, I don't think you do. You know how many times I've laid in bed going, I think I ruined my career like so. Rocktober, do you remember the fucking do you remember when we got in the car to go to your house and you're like, so we're going to fucking do this like and I was like, I remember going, I think I just ruined my career, guys.

I think no one can see me drink anymore and see it in a fun way. I mean, everything. Roll the dice. Right, right.

And then last in this comes why I don't cheat on the end. Yeah. Be selfish. Be selfish, be selfish, like be very selfish, like only think about yourself and what make your advice.

That's my advice, OK? Only think about yourself and what makes you happy. And if you do that, then you're going to be happy. And that's all that fucking matters, that you die on your deathbed.

Happy now for me, selfishly, what makes me happy is LeAnn like I love her so I don't cheat on her because I need that shit, you know what I mean? Oh, I got you.

Like, OK, it's just is so weird. It's like it's funny because what you said I see it now. It's so funny the way people need to connect the dots when you speak.

So like what you said was be selfish and it's like that doesn't make sense. But then once you go on the roller coaster at the end, you're like, but being selfish means making my wife happy.

It's not about making it around, making you happy, which is making you happy. And to be for you to be happy, she needs to be around and in a good mood or just around.

Just around. Just around. Like she wouldn't be around if you were cheating.

Therefore, don't cheat on like the majority of people don't say the N word, not because they care about black people. They don't want to get beat up or fired. OK, that's selfish. You find selfish reasons to persevere now. I think that's true. I don't know. But that's my theory. Hey, I can barely hear myself in there, Nadav, but like, that's the way if you live life selfishly, like going, hey, man, I got to think about myself first.

Yeah, I'm on this bus. I'm not going to start totally off my theories on on Latino women and their hairstyles, like, fucking selfishly go, I don't wanna get my ass kicked. I'm going to fucking shut my fucking mouth. Yeah. And that's why I don't sit on the end. I'm selfish.

Is this making any sense? It's made a lot of sense. Like think about what percentage of white people do you think don't say the N word simply because they're like, I get a lot of trouble, probably 80 percent.

Like if you said if you said if they said this is a bad way to start the show. Seven minutes then. Now this is great.

No, but I mean, I think they're selfish now. I know what you're saying. Selfish is doing OK. Like, look at I'll tell you fucking broke this broke the back for me.

Right. Remember we were talking about Eila before this. Yeah. And and I go, God damn it, man, her fucking brain fucks me up because she'll say things in like and you'll just go, what.

So she's having a really hard time waking up like I mean like like next level, like it's like fucking 3:00 in the afternoon and she's still not awake.

What dude, this kid is initial wake up and then move to the couch, fall asleep on a dog and it's like she just cannot wake up. But then she's up until like 2:00 in the fucking morning. Well, that part of it, it is part of it. But her energy level at like ten o'clock is through the fucking roof.

So I showed this video of JoCo Wildling.

You know that guy Kalinich. Yeah, yeah. Juca Winnik and Casey Neistat. It's a really great video. Can we play that without getting flagged? OK, so it's a really great video. It's on Casey's podcast or his blog where they talk about life and how to how to live life in.

JoCo says get up. I'm going to I'm really paraphrasing, but I know the part that's important. Get up, make your bed. Get up, make your bed. All those military, all those military guys. Get up, make your bed. Once you've gotten out and made your bed, you've accomplished a task. You have you have conquered a battlefield, one battlefield down next battlefield to go get up, work out, go work out. Once you've worked out, you've accomplished another battlefield.

Take that battlefield down. Now you've got two goals, two victories in your day. So once you start piling up victories, then when you get to places where it's a smaller victory, like. You go in and there's a doughnut in the break room and everyone's like, Jacqui, you want a doughnut? I can go, No, no, no, I'm build up victories. I don't need a doughnut. And I'll just hit stop on the fucking thing.

He goes, Would you ever be friends with the guy who says no to a doughnut?

I'm like, no, it wouldn't.

And then she says to me, why are we watching this? And I said, What do you mean? And she goes, Dad, this is stuff he likes. Like, this isn't what we like. Like if you made a video, would you be like get a make you better go. No, she goes, you don't make your bed.

I go, you know, I don't give a shit. My bed's made. Yeah.

She was here. Then why do you care if he does. She goes, this is shit he likes. So then you start looking at it, you're like, oh jackass.

Telling you how he lives his life. Right. And if you want to be a Navy SEAL or you didn't make the SEALs and you want to emulate a SEAL, do that.

But if you're a fucking half alcoholic, stand up comedian, why the fuck am I watching this?

And then I'm looking and I like going, why am I showing it to you? You're the person who watches the usual suspects and goes gold, watch gold, watch gold, watch the whole fucking movie and solved it before the movie was over.

And I was like, so you go. So it was like an epiphany of like selfishness. Find out the shit that you like and then just fill your shit with that stuff. Yes. Listen to go back to like those racist people, those racist people, like the ones that take care of tiki torches and stuff. Yeah. They feel good when they're racist. Yeah. So that's what they fucking do. So let them know. I mean. Well yeah, you're right.

It's like famous people that cheat on their wife, they're going to do it because that makes them feel good. Good. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Find this shit that makes you feel good. Just that. Listen but could there be a commencement speech angle where you go. If being racist makes you feel good do that.

That would be a tough sell. OK, I can see. I can see. OK, now I understand what your point is. My the flaw in my theory is that I didn't understand. But you're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. OK, this isn't the best command to do whatever makes you feel so nervous. Captain, I love rape and bitches. I like my thing, man. I'm so good at it.

I haven't gotten back yet, but this guy's to good. And then he gets arrested. He's like, I saw a bird crasher speech and that's why my friend firebombed the fucking cathedral. OK, this is a horrible it's it's actually really good for me.

Really good. It works for me, actually.

This is one of my favorite segments you've ever done, but nobody who's, like, obsessed with the fact that I just do shit like. Stand up and I know you'll regret this, neither of us give a fuck about the money because we did it selfishly, it made us feel good to make people laugh before the money, to use a quote from you.

A hundred percent.

Is it attached to your nose, someone said someone said a hundred percent, a hundred per.

That's exactly the truth, because you did you do stand like if you if you want to get in the stamp, you do stand up and you go like it. It doesn't matter where I live or what I end up having to deal with you like that more than anything. Yeah. You just stay with it. Yeah.

And love, if you had not found push in your life and you had found some other chick who was like, that's stupid, that's stupid, she'd be in a fucking ditch.

Right, right. And that's selfish. And that selfishness worked out for you when I met LeAnn. So you're saying that that's cool. And then she supported it.

Look, look, we know that landslip live a very selfless life. Yeah. She's fucking raised two kids by herself, raised three dogs herself.

I've been there. I've been there at all. I barely showed up.

Amazing. Here he killed three chickens, a cat fucking.

You want to know two kids. Biasutto something crazy. Yeah.

She said for me she said, you have never helped us move.

And I went. We moved a guy like I was like, oh, I've never been there, I've never once. But, you know, the thing is, we think that we talk about this a lot. Like, she really, truly, fully accepts you. Yeah, I can't really accept it because whatever is broken in her, that makes her feel good at the end of the day.

Yeah. For whatever it lines up. It lines up. It's selfish. If it didn't make her feel good, she fucking bounced. That's right. And if the second and I hate to say it this way, but the second that I believe it's called recreating the trauma, I'll take it.

Does it man get in where you fit in.

Yes. But like but like I was obsessed with look, I think if you take me I mean, I love it.

You can like I was dead set on this being a brilliant theory about selfishness.

And then until you're like, yeah, I want to be like, what have you like pipe bombs? You're like, oh, well, I love making and distributing anonymously pipe bombs the way I am.

And if they find their way into a mosque. Oh, all right. Interestingly, I dislike Muslim people. So this is all I know. I am my favorite thing. Building stuff. Muslims. Yeah. If I can. This guy across the street. So obviously I'm not asking for credit. I'm very grateful.

What if all these, like, horrible crimes have happening and they're like and then he cited Bert Krischer.

It's like when you Mein Kampf, all it takes is one guy to commit something absolutely horrible with a subtle sense of humor. I got a lot of these ideas from two bears. One gave me Krischer. I would ruin my career, my. Oh, my God.

Who made that?

My struggle blueprint for a better world for everyone like me. Oh, those are my teeth. That's your mouth. Oh yeah. But it just has a different facial hair to the beard, the beard kind of God.

Yeah, it was made by the hairy artist. The hairy artist.

Um. Oh by the way the oh I did a blitzkrieg publishing. What I do a live stream or something. It's really good.

I did a livestream or something.

I forget what it was and it was all it was just racist comments from our fans. Yeah. And I was like, I was like, hey guys head. I was like, hey, can you guys please tone these down? And they were like, oh, OK. And so then they just slowed it down. And they're like these kind of racist.

By the way, I have to I have to say this aloud one more time. I'm not racist. OK, OK. Jesus fucking Christ. Like this is going to become a problem at some point.

You're not racist, and I know that now. All right, let's pivot. Wait, maybe the comments because we're talking about things people say. So I know that they they pulled some YouTube comments. Let's see what they are. I know that, uh. Yeah, here we go. All right.

So Dillingham Ratboy twenty five wrote Tom is the psycho channel for suggesting to his friend to just cut off the finger instead of wrapping it up.

Dude, I thought of that so much. You know why? Because I was watching NFL Network and it was Ronnie Lott. And you remember Ronnie Lott. Yeah, yeah.

I think you got it all put me back in and I was like, I almost guarantee you can tether the two mentalities of Tom being just a little bit Ronnie Lott in the dorm room, like, fuck it, cut him off, get them back in the game.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Tom, looks like this isn't the first time he's worn black latex gloves, if you know what I mean. Oh, that was when we were eating our the pork rinds.

Ever of you just going, I'm done. The show's over. Oh, my God, I, I had to aggressively. And who who was like not bothered at all. Was it Potter that he was like he was like, he was like Oh yeah. But positives like for me. Yeah. It's never eat no porn stars.

I is like the death.

Right. I bet like his standard for what tastes fucked up is, is way different than ours that we should do a blind taste test with Potter. Oh yeah.

Savage right before I figured Leon last night she goes, she goes real quick. What did we for dinner. And I was like she's like did you have hot sauce today? And I went, nope, she's all right. Go ahead, go ahead.

Keep going and comment. These are good comments. Oh, the backlash.

No backlash from the people. None. Well, I didn't look that hard, but it's really one of a kind. Yeah.

Yeah. By the way, I am I have to apologize to all those people really struggling with addiction. I understand that my comments can be a bit flippant and destructive. So I apologize. What got you here, because I'm blown away now that you recognize this.

So there's this. So I kid I keep I do the I keep track of my sober days, not in a row, but my sober days on this app.

So really cool app trying to get sober. It's not if you're me and you're just using it to subtract days is called I am sober is pretty interesting. And yesterday I found not yesterday, a couple of days ago and then last night I read them. If you touch it, you can hear people's stories, like you can like people share their stories of like why they're sober, what they're doing to be sober. Very few people are like, I just want lose weight.

You know, most people have real tragedy in their lives and most people aren't like, yeah, I want to get sober because he's 15 pounds who is killing me?

I couldn't find one in there going, I just want to get back to a seven minute mile. And so a lot of my other people's stories and they're really rough. I was like, here I am going guys. And for the record, every single one of them was like, I tried moderation. 10 days later, I'm sucking some dude's dick behind a dumpster and like and like they all spiral out. So I feel like if if you are trying to get sober, do not fucking listen to me.

Yeah. Whatever the fuck is wrong with me is wrong with me.

And I got it, OK. But like, I feel bad because I was reading some stories going like, oh I know you didn't know.

Like people like I just, I don't sign into the app. I just use it to count the days which by the way, I think we're 50 a 68 days.

Not not not around not 58. OK, we're one month, 27 days.

Twenty three hours. So we're roughly fifty nine days. OK, we had a little bit of a bender this weekend but passed over the weekend.

What happened. The wheels came off. Really. Oh yeah. Titos. Oh yeah.

Titos drove down, drove the girls. Me and the girls drove down to the Bilu Leibnitz and. The Bilu neman bio bioluminescent algae. Uh huh, down to the beach, I was like, we were having a few pops, I was like, nice.

It was just me really just me drinking. And I was like, let's go down to the beach. And the girls are like, it's going to be crowded or let's wait till like eleven thirty, twelve o'clock. No one will be there.

Drove down to Del Ray, huh. Packed at midnight. Big worse than in the summer at the beach. It was fucking packed, packed. And so we walked away from everyone to go see it.

Saw for a second and I was freaked out. Were you drunk driving. No, no.

No Androv. She yeah. She doesn't drink.

Yeah.

And so but yeah, I had a fun, I had a fun little weekend and so then I got back on the wagon Sunday and I was like and I was like God damn it. And I understood all the things people go of. Like you go oh like two days drinking back to back. And you're just like you're like, God damn it man, I got to get back on the wagon. And yeah, so and so I was last night on my car.

I feel great, I feel great and I see it back into my mindset.

So I go scroll through the comments and a lot of these people are having a rough time and they're like it's like a lot of people are like losing their families.

And I didn't realize alcohol does that bad and stuff like.

Yeah, like for me it just works. OK, like it. Like it. I'm OK and whatever. Not health wise I'm not probably but like Yeah. Fat but you know. So you look good though. I feel great man. I look great.

You know, it's because I am I'm in control of everything right now and so like everything's super manageable in my life.

What do you think's going to happen? I have no I it's not the most frustrating part.

Like when they were like like a few weeks ago, they go, I think you'll be able to do shows in July. And even then I was like, I don't think so. And then they then they talked about the fall stuff. They're like, well, you got stuff for the fall. And then I go, I don't know if the fall is going to happen. And now they're talking about then I had that conversation.

They're like, well, I don't know if the January, February stuff is going to happen. I was like, damn, that's that's more like that's what they said to me.

They're like they're like, you know, if you want to be 100 percent, let's book it in May. And I went, hey, we're in May. And they're like, Yeah, next May and I.

But I think that is for bigger. Yeah, we get it, Nadav. It's like we're doing a read. He's a guy, there's a comic right here. There's comments right here. Yeah. We're in the middle of talking about something. Give us in fact.

And so by the way, I just saw a movie about him.

About it. Oh yeah. So what's it going to Orthodox on Netflix.

Yeah. About his upbringing. Oh yeah. Yeah. How is it not a kind representation of the chosen people.

No. Oh is it rough. It is super aggressive like you don't you. Do not. I mean you it makes sense why why most Jewish people aren't orthodox like you just as a. Really kind of ridiculous way to live your life. I mean, it is a cult. It is a logistical no, it is logistical.

Like if you try to leave, they fucking bring you back in. They're aggressive. It's not I mean, no one can watch unorthodox and go no, man. A lot of they make a lot of sense. Like this poor girl has a fucking rough run it. And these two fucking guys chase her now.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I want to marry like you can't if you're a woman you can't I don't want to do any of this thing because it's a lot of bodies. Act like a lot of these new special is what you watching this and the jokes Ari makes you like. Oh, this would have been an amazing fucking special.

Yeah. Because it is like I hope he still does it because it is mind blowing. It is. No, there's and then you start going. All religions are cults. I guess ultimately all religions are cults. Like you can't you can't go like. Well it all brings you solaces Scientology. Will you talk to your enemy. She's like, no, it's a cult. And then you talk to her like Ari and he's like, no, it's a cult.

Like they're both fucking and it's just extremes of cults. Yeah. Yeah. And luckily, no Orthodox Jewish people watch this.

So hopefully, I don't know. I've never heard of your family watches. There we go. Would you would you watch the show to watch Unorthodox? Yeah, no. Just not interested, I'm not interested in any type of Jewish content and what any Jewish content is. You said so how do you enjoy Hollywood movies that about Jews?

Okay, there's another comment from Amy Schumer's Jewish. Yeah.

Oh, um, Jonathan. Cos I love how bad of an influence Tom is to Burt. You should totally start dipping. They're coming out with real scientific studies that show that tobacco is good for the coronavirus.

Look, why don't we look into it? Dude, I keep looking into it and it's like what's happening is everyone saying it's smoking because fucking no one grew up in the south. Yeah. And so they're like they're not taking the alternate ofshe.

That's why Nadav Nadaf, you are the fucking worst with surprises. You're like a fucking child can do the dipping. Good you the dipping. Let me see a school classic longer.

Right there. Right there. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

OK, thank you. Oh that's right.

That's right. That's my first rodeo motherfuckers. Let me tell you something. You want to see someone who really fucking chews tobacco?

Cut it with my fingernail. That's right. Dude, that's. You did not I mean, this seems like you've been doing this, bro, I've been waiting for this, by the way, my fingernails not sharp enough.

You want a key?

Oh, thanks, man. We're not vibing. I can't apologize, but I'll start immediately. No, no, no, no, no. I cannot put this in my mouth.

Yeah, I will start immediately. I will start immediately for the rest of my body.

Is this to cut? No. Hey, I will start immediately for the rest of my life, you know, we have yeah, yeah, we have pouches to undo pouches instead, pouches are not as strong.

OK, let's do the pouch. Mm hmm.

I've told myself if dude, this is the beginning of the end for me. Come on, man. You know, it's funny, as soon as I even saw this, my my stomach started tingling like, hey, you're going to take a shit pretty soon if you.

Right. Smell. Does that make you smell like a great conversation?

Does it smell like does it make you sit like when you when you would throw a dip and then you have to take it down?

No, no, no. I have so so I was talking with Mike Birbiglia, did his tip the waitstaff show. Yeah.

And he was talking about smells. He was talking about smells that trigger different things. And like and I was like. I was like, oh, man. It smells so fucking good, take a dip. I can't come on. Pouch under a pouch and said, no, I can't, I really it's not as strong. No, I really, honestly can't because I will. I mean, you won't you will beat the coronavirus. It will do it.

If they said if you if you can say that this will protect you from Korona, I'm back I'm back 100 percent, but I'm back for the rest of my fucking life. Like, I'm not I'm never quitting.

I do. It is so hard to quit this shit. Like, have you never been addicted to this?

I was doing it like pretty regularly, OK? I was like like, did you have to quit? I did have to quit, yes, and I did have I did have some withdrawals from it. Yeah, I did, dude, I had the hardest time quitting this. I had the hardest.

Let's make it a new challenge. I had the hardest. Let's do this.

Let's just let's try to decide. We'll see what it's like to pack a dip.

And just see. Oh, my God. Yeah, I feel like I'm like putting on a condom, like, oh yeah. They said, yeah, just do it. I can't really I really can't I'll start up immediately and I'm not the guy with the best mouth right now. Oh, that feel good? Yeah, man, oh, oh, fuck, that smells so good. Just if you want to just like do you want just a pouch instead.

No, I don't. Who gives a fuck about a pal. Well, it's a little milder, you know, a pouch. It might be a good way to get started again.

You know, by the way, if you dipped, if you grown up and you stopped, when did you quit? When did you quit?

So I chewed. I dipped all through college. Yeah. And when I moved to New York, I couldn't.

Oh, these are pouches. Yeah. Wintergreen is so good. Wait and see what we got. Let me just see what. Pouches, pouches, spearmint, I'm seeing like a real love for this stuff, extra long cut. It's like a kid with a collectible, you're just like, oh, shit, this was this was the limited edition one. I remember when they came out with cherry dip. I remember.

Wait, wait. Tell me you dipped every day in college.

Yeah. And then every day, probably four or five times. Right.

And then you got to New York. And what happened? I smoked. I smoked and dipped. I smoked and dipped all through high school and college.

You were a smoker. Yeah.

I love do. There's no cigarette and booze. There's no better taste than a match. And the first drawer of a cigarette. Yeah. When the especially when you packed the pack and so you got a little extra, let's do it, let's do let's smoke cigarettes, you still smoke cigarettes? No, I know. Mom's like I've got a cigarette.

Eleven years ago. No. Oh, yeah. No hand on my kid.

Are you serious? Yeah. Eleven years ago, yeah, those last semester get even a drag of a cigarette. I remember you being a smoker. Yeah. Now, here's the deal. I smoked and chewed all through all through high school, but not like a ton. And then in college, it was pretty aggressive.

Freshman, sophomore, junior, freshman, sophomore, sophomore, junior.

Did you listen to sophomore year? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had to sophomore to junior to seniors. One freshman course. And so 2nd June 1st Junior, I come back from Russia and and I.

Did anything happen in Russia? Is there a story you could tell?

Uh, it's the Hermitage. And so the you know, same time and so.

So.

Oh, God, there was no better feeling than having a soda.

We owe a debt. But wait, when you get back, I want to know you go to New York. How hard like what makes you not willing to go find it?

And I, I mean, I don't know. I can find it there. No, I couldn't find anywhere and no one will understand the feeling.

Only someone who is really addicted to chewing tobacco knows this feeling of being in a place where they're not they don't sell it and going everywhere, like everywhere.

Like it's a real panic. I remember when we were touring together, we mean you were working a break with what we used to tour. They got together. I mean, and then and and he went on stage. I was featuring. You were hosting. It was the three of us. And I said, I'll be right back. I'm going to go to dip a dip. This is Embraer Achu. I got back hooked on it with chewing tobacco.

Fucking red man. Golden really, dude.

I was fucking around one night, I was driving down Sunset and I was not drinking at the time, so I did like an eight month stretch of not drinking right after LeAnn dumped me and I got her back. Yeah.

And so I was driving down Sunset and I just felt like an empty feeling. And I pulled into Rite Aid and I was like, I should go in and I'll see, you know, get like a soda or something. And I saw Red Man and I went, you know what, like in a weird way, like I've done this before, like with like black and milds where I go, I'm empty right now. I'm going to get a black and mild.

I'm going to get a sweeter, sweet man smoking in the parking lot, like just little things like that. And I go, I'm gonna get some red Goldman. And I put it in in I had a I had an expedition at the time and I'm driving down Sunset.

I put it in, I get a Spitzkoppe.

And it was it was singularly the greatest feeling I've ever had from a drug or alcohol or anything that first chew.

Yeah, I went, holy shit, this feels good. I went back to my apartment. I took it out. I was sitting down watching TV and I put another one in. And then I went, Oh, God damn it, man, it did it again. I went to play golf with Gary Valenstein the next day and I put one in on the ride to the golf course, took it out, put one in on the golf course front and I took it out, put one in the golf course back nine took it out.

And I was like, oh, I think I'm fucking hooked.

And it wasn't until we had we were pregnant with Georgia. We just got married. We're driving to our honeymoon. And I put one in in the car.

And I was like and I said to Leanna, I was like, this isn't giving me the same joy.

She was maybe need to quit for a while. And I was like, yeah. And then I was like, you know what? I'm having a kid. I'm going to quit totally.

And I haven't had one since that drive. And I said to myself, if I ever start again commit to mouth cancer because I will not quit. Yeah. Commit to mouth cancer, that's going to happen. You know, I'm not the best with hygiene. Yeah. And so and but I'll tell you, man, the smell of it, it smells so fucking good.

What do we do. A challenge. OK, dip your fucking pouches, dip every day for a month.

Bandits. I remember when they came out with bandits tip every day I was like I remember I was like it like it must have been like I was probably ten or seven when school bandits came out because I remember hearing people having bandits at the Bucs games.

Yeah. So why don't you it for a month and then make it part of a challenge to see if you can quit, you know, I mean like challenge yourself like jako.

See that I don't subscribe islands, put my brain, I'm subscribed to JoCo, I would just start dipping and then going, this is who I am. This is who I am.

Yeah. Oh, what was your favorite between a cigarette dip and two of.

Well, to run a train on my mouth with a cigarette and a dip used to do that.

Oh, fuck, yes, dude, I loved I remember having got top lip. I mean, like, because I my mouth would burn down here at the top lip then. You love that burn in a way. I love when he got all.

Fuck. Give me a cigarette. Are you fucking serious.

Camel blue cheese. What the fuck. Yeah. Can blue. Is that the one across the back.

Like a chick. What's camel blue, is it menthol, what's blue stand for? That's a Carmelite. Doesn't the Carmelite have the different filter on the end? They're not allowed to use the word light anymore, so they've changed it to us.

Oh, I didn't know that.

A cigarette, too. I'm going to smell that. Mm hmm. Yeah.

Can I tell you this? I'll get the feeling. I'll get the feeling by just pulling on this and inhaling.

Yeah. I can taste the nicotine.

Let's do it. I can you I can feel it. Let's just do it, let's do a bench day. Oh, we should do a fucking bench day and fucking film it and go off the rails with everything, that's what I'm saying.

See if we can get, like, really test our moderation. Yeah. Oh. Weed, booze, beers, nicotine, hallucinogenics. We got to get one night, like I really think the way to go is Coke, like after talking to Drew a bunch to let's do some coke, man.

Like I said, I say we I say we do I say in the spirit of following in Jacobs footsteps where he preaches what he believes.

Right, right. He believes that shit. Right.

And it's worked for him really fucking well. Yeah. I mean, I watched him talk about whole milk today. Like, who doesn't drink whole milk? I get vitamin D milk all the time.

He talked about hormones like how he goes. I got a lot of backlash talking that I use them whole milk. And I guess I was like, what what does it world live in? What? I have no idea. I just to the first part, I like I while I got his audio book, I'm listening to audio book right now.

I love it because it's really it really does speak your mind because I don't think that way naturally. Yeah. It forces you to it forces me to see the world in a different way and in a productive way obviously.

But so I follow him and today he's like, I'm getting a lot of backlash because I told you I like to make my my morning shakes with whole milk.

And I was like in my head, I was like, what fans have had it?

You that are like, dog, damn it, he's walking home. OK, what do they want him to say? Oh, no, no, I have no idea. I stopped watching. I was like, oh God bless. Djogo He woke up and he was like, fuck I shouldn't that whole milk. What's a common issue facing men these days.

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By the way, I wanted to give another shout out to not just Lotus for the hour but Matt Fera the smoking tire.

So I did his podcast a week ago and I was like, you know, I love cars and we just had a great car conversation.

I was like, Man, I always wish I could be one of those people that they'll just let drive a car for a few days. And he was like, oh, you can be. I make that happen. Yeah, he's like and he made it happen. And anyways, we had a great time on his podcast, but I'm driving this Lotus for a few days and it's so fun really. So fun, yeah, it is a it's a true sports car, it's not crazy crazy fast, but it's fast.

What do you mean? Like it's not like everything becomes about like, does it go zero to 60 in two and a half seconds? No, but it's still fast. It's still handles great. It's no frills. Like you get in the car and there's AC and a radio and then there's just a sport race button.

That's it. Those are like the modes, it's not full of gadgets. It's like it's a fun sports car experience, really low to the ground, really. It's manual's, but like really easy gait move in and out of.

It's a fun car to drive. If you're looking for a sports car that you don't see everybody driving like, you know, I've seen a couple.

I think that's kind of one of the appeals is you go like, I don't see this everywhere. You know, you see hundreds of other sports cars. So I don't know. I just had, like, a really, really fun time driving it.

All right, then let's talk. Let's let's pivot. I like this. Yeah. What do you think about what do you think about Jordan in the documentary? Only seems to be driving Corvette's. He drove off, he was famously driving the Ferrari for a while. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had that black Ferrari, which he tells the comment. I don't know if it's in the last answer.

I watched another video, but I watched another video that in because, you know, he's like the most amazing trash talker. Yeah. So he said he was I think it was in a different video, another player was saying that it might have been Gary Payton went up to your glove, the glove. What if this video was in the Garibay and goes, I shut him down and he goes the glove first.

He goes, Yeah, he does that.

And then when he goes and then things there, he was like, he's like, OK, it's like I had no problem. I love that he's still so competitive that 20 years later he's like, fuck that dude.

I love it, by the way. Hold on. I have so many notes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the fucking it's amazing on the last dance. Amazing. But I look at it from a different finish.

What you're saying that the drink motherfuckers what happened is that I let you finish your statement, I let you finish just so the Ferrari statement was that so.

Yeah, he was driving like a I think a 458 back then, which is just like such a baller thing for an athlete to pull up, be like, I'ma go score forty five points, let's see all.

But he said one game I think, I think it was Payton or one of the Supersonics came up to him and was like, hey man, I got a Ferrari too. And then he turned and he goes, Yeah but you paid for yours.

And they were I mean, like he's like, give me that shit.

Oh, here's what I think is Isaiah Thomas must be fucking livid. Uh, yeah. I have almost destroyed his reputation. Yeah.

It's taking other people like defending him to not make everyone hate him. Everyone.

And then I started I mean, I and I've said this a couple of times. I know people don't believe this, but what's next? Like curiosity?

How many NBA all stars, MVP's, Hall of Famers do you think are watching this being like, fuck that, I'm going to make my documentary? Like, why isn't Shawn Kemp going, hold on. I was a fucking human highlight reel.

Yeah. Like, I like to say I'd like to make an argument that I'm one of the greatest ever. Why isn't, you know, for a fact, people in Hollywood, in L.A. are like, let's make a Kareem documentary, because Kareem is is arguably the greatest player ever to play in professional.

But people just aren't documentary word. Is that what it is? Is that.

Yeah, I like that Jordan literally was a highlight reel.

But Jordan, here's the thing. He is was so dominant, so dominant and so iconic.

He became an international international superstar, recognized in a village in North Africa, China, anywhere you went, he single like pretty much single handedly took the NBA, which was a lot more middle tier sports league, you know, professional sports league and like made it like the most popular international league.

Probably added, if I can, a hundred billion dollars of worth to that league.

Do you think he created the European player?

Well, the game is was totally different there, you know, I mean, like, he he he elevated the popularity of the sport so much.

I mean, the world really did. Everyone wanted to be like Mike, you know?

And and you look back on that documentary and I was saying it before that, that my perspective of Michael Jordan was always as a kid. You know, I watched him as a kid and I thought, like, this guy is just naturally the best.

He's just the best player ever to watch it as an adult and and see not just like how he like how much work he put into it and everything and how possessed he was as a competitor. But to have it validated that like, oh, actually, you know, how your kid eyes were like, oh, he's just really great to see, like those other dudes who are professional basketball players, all acknowledged like like that you could just fuck us up at any time.

It kind of it's it kind of blows your mind right.

Like that.

It really was that much of a savage playing basketball like, oh, he wanted to kill you, you know, he wanted to kill you and demoralize you and humiliate and creating great stories inside his own head of why he should kill you.

Yeah, I love that. Oh, great. Oh, my. Also, by the way, if any one of us I know I do this a lot and other people do it where you lay in bed and you fight with someone. Jordan was doing that all the time. All the time is like, OK, yeah.

Oh, you want that back to back story. They tell it like the guy was like good game. Yeah, good game. And he's like, I'm going to guess I'm a score. We score in the first half. Yeah, and then and then he goes and then they say, so we talk to what's the name, he said that never happened in the U.S. I made that up.

And you're like, yeah, by the way, I can I tell you on that vein of making it up, I was in bed and I was like I was I'm watching the documentary and I'm like, all right.

I want to say I wish I had seen Jordan play, but I think I saw him play in Orlando, I think. And I was like, that's impossible because I'm like, I left Florida in 97.

When would I have ever seen him in Orlando playing Orlando? I remember having great seats in Orlando. My dad had gotten them somehow and I went to a game. It was like six rows back and I was like, I only went.

So I wanted to see Jordan play, but I can't remember. And then I thought, I just give myself that memory. Like like I don't remember if it's true or not, yeah, but do I just give myself the memory and go on play and then I'm happy? This is such a burden. Yeah. Like, do I go? Because I'm I'm pretty sure I saw him play live three times.

I don't have that memory.

Yes, I have going to see the magic and the bulls play. I think. I think and I wouldn't have been it would have been right before, right after the Rolling Stone article.

So it'd been 97 in whatever that year, 97, 98 is OK.

So and I think I went to watch the Bulls in the magic play, I think or this is even crazier, some sort of exhibition game that Michael Jordan was in could have been.

And so but I know that I went I know that I know that I went because I wanted to see Michael Jordan play. But I don't remember if I saw Michael Jordan plague's I was drinking. I don't really remember much of it. And then I just decided I'm just going to give myself the memory, like, just go just go outside and make it.

You saw Jordan play so that I like to not like to hear how your mind works is it's really, really an astonishing thing.

I mean, most people would most people would carry that memory with some detail, you know, because they're like, I saw the greatest person to ever play this game play live. I saw I met Dave Grohl and I said I have a very distinct memory of seeing Dave Grohl thing Nirvana playing Tallahassee, huh?

Not really sure. I kind of don't remember. Yeah.

Might have been just Smashing Pumpkins, but in my memory it was Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins. I believe I have that memory.

And did you tell Dave Grohl? Dave Grohl. It's like I say, you guys live in Tallahassee. And the look on his face suggested we never played in Tallahassee. And I shut the story down and cut him off so he couldn't change my memory.

I didn't want to know the truth. We were on my show, can I? But I told him how they set up on stage his eyes like, I have no fucking idea. We are talking about. Well, let me. Yeah, there was a crucifix here. There was on one side. You were like that. Never. Let me just tell you without a doubt, you never saw Jordan play again. Why would you take your own beautiful memory and give yourself shit when you can have a beautiful memory?

Like, why not just selfishly just. It's so funny because I go.

I look at that and I go, I definitely pull up, pull up Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins.

Let's find out if there's a real memory because we ate mushrooms. I distinctly remember Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins playing another year. No, I know who I would have gone with.

Fuck, this is scary to think that I will now say go from saying I saw Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins live.

I says ninety one. No, definitely not ninety one.

All right. Hold on. You ready to find out. Yeah, I can find out if I saw Nirvana play live. You're going to call your friend. This is who I would have gone with. It was when I was giving out spankings.

Yeah. You said Tallahassee, right? Tallahassee. At the Civic Center. But it's it would not be 90 one, it would be 1993. It would be 90 for it was when I turned 21. Do the math.

He died in 94 degrees. But, hey, I'm with I'm with Sagara and we're talking about.

All right. Be careful and try to remember this as best you can. Don't just answer. No, no, no. Never happened, OK? Just think the best you can.

Did we see Nirvana play live at the Civic Center in Tallahassee in college? Think about it. Think about it. Or did we. Because I remember we did.

I thought about it. I thought about it like, oh fuck. Yeah, it was awesome, right? Well, it was. God damn it, John, you just made my fucking guess.

It was the inaugural tour and just fucking like anatomically correct fucking things on stage with wings and shit.

Yeah. In utero, says Tallahasse on December 2nd, 1993. December 2nd, 1993. That sounds right. Fucking a.. God damn it. Oh, thank you, man. God damn it. Hey, but I thought Smashing Pumpkins open for him. But the breeders, the breeders. I think your memory is so much better than mine. Awesome, brother, I'll talk to you later, OK? Are you telling me I just going to get back on to work?

All right, bye. I saw Nirvana play live.

I did. I fucking dead now. Now, here's the question, Tom. Here's the real question.

Doesn't it seem like that you don't remember? No, no, no, no, no. But right now, I know all my memories to be real. But here's the real question. Does it matter? Yeah. Let's see what ways more I was giving myself that memory, not knowing if it was true or not, but I was giving myself the memory. Is it more is the memory better or more valuable now that I know it's true versus me just going?

I did that like what memory is more valuable, it feels the same, like it still feels the same, like I did see them live. But if I kind of didn't and I thought I did, it doesn't matter. So, you know what? I fucking saw Jordan play.

I just going to go because I, I all my feelings are the same, right. All my emotions are the same.

I feel like I have that memory. I feel like I saw greatness. I feel like I was a part of something that was cool. I feel that right. Yeah. Because I gifted it to myself. It would be ninety seven was right. It was I mean ninety seven and it would have been right after college.

Do they play it right. Probably right there. Right. Yeah.

It was exactly when it was, it was over Christmas break. December 10th, 1997. I saw Jordan play, but you know what, can I it doesn't change. It's so crazy that I was going to give myself those memories anyway. Yeah. To make me happier.

And now you're like, oh, they're true. Yeah. It's like if you go to a strip club and she's like, grabs your dick, you're like, that's not cheating, right?

That's true. I mean, it really is a dick sucking cheating.

Well, it works out, but like but like when a girl like motorboats you in a strip club and you're like, that's not cheating. But if you did it in a van in a parking lot with a chick outside your show, you'd be like, I definitely cheated. But it's motorboat.

It's a by the way, if we're going to add to my commencement speech, it's about make your own rules and make your own memories.

Make your own memories, make your own laws. You're you're the only one that goes to bed with you every single night. So as long as you know that you're happy, that's all that fucking matters. I saw Nirvana and I saw Michael Jordan. And by the way, I didn't really even know that until now.

But I feel the same. You feel the same. That's fucking what is.

I am so broken like I mean, when you honestly, if you're a therapist watching this, they'd be like, this is I've got to say that they'd have they'd have some notes.

It's got to be sociopathic. Right. I don't know if it's sociopathic, but they would absolutely.

No, there's I mean, there has to be something wrong with me that I really justified for what? Twenty five years I've been, like, talking in my head about and see every time I listen to Ron, I'm like, oh, that shows I remember where I was sitting and I did not know if it was a real memory.

So what you're saying is you do kind of remember that show.

I 100 percent remember we were sitting top like this is the stage we were up in the nosebleeds up to the top up here. And it's like this stage we're up here.

We ate mushrooms. So I was pretty fucking high. And they had the the I thought it was a crucifix, but it was the I'm sure it was just fucking high shit. It was the inflatable the in utero symbol of her own with the wings or something in utero symbol. And I swear to God, Kurt Cobain was to the left, Chris Novoselic was to the right. They were on separate sides of the stage and Dave Grohl was in the center.

And it was that thing on the stage. And I'm telling you, man, it was a fucking amazing show. And I and I said, why did you doubt the memory, though?

Because I didn't I wasn't sure it happened. Like, I didn't know if it was a created memory.

Yeah, like like like you would told me about do you ever see Nirvana? And I didn't remember that conversation. And then all of a sudden I'm like, I'm like, you know, like, I wish I had that memory. And then it starts forming in your head. Yeah. You have a couple of dreams and then you're like, I saw them. Yeah. But I couldn't tell if it was.

I mean, we were really into Smashing Pumpkins at the time, but John Dakkar was obsessed with Nirvana and he was like, dude, we got to see them live. And I was like, I come. I don't really give a fuck. Yeah, we were in a band at the time and then after seeing that show, I was obsessed with them.

I said, I'll tell you one of the one show that I can say that I went to two shows that I went to that were the greatest live concerts I've ever been to back in Giants Stadium.

Yeah. Amazing show. Oh, amazing show.

Back Live was fucking I bet. And they didn't even serve booze at that show. I was stoned, fucking sober and I remember that show.

That's kind of interesting how that kind of lines up. Yep.

Yeah.

Very clear memory, great memory, positive feelings, such a vivid fucking memory, totally sober, vivid fucking memory and weird and Cold War kids.

Not not cool.

Your kids look up by the way. Can you look up because I, I'm trying to remember this. I saw Jordan play against the Timberwolves in what I think was the Timberwolves inaugural game, the first Timberwolves game. I think it was their first game ever. So it happened like.

Right. Nineteen eighty nine I think. Wow. Can you look up uh or look up a first, first Timberwolves game. First Minnesota Timberwolves game. By the way, all I can think right now is did I see Shaq play also? I saw Shaq play. I saw Shaq play in in Orlando.

Did was he. It's the eighty nine. Right. Eighty nine ninety season. Would that be their inaugural season as their first season. And, uh. Hmmm, maybe I'll start a religion. Maybe start a religion like of like should I believe in the people, like, I kind of want good memories. I think you kind of have that. I think you already kind of have that. Um. What if you just Google? God, first Minnesota Timberwolves game.

You know, I mean. That was the schedule right here, is that the schedule? Yes, so I'm trying to get rid of this little box here. Can can someone, one of our fans do a make a Nadav is Googling song that we can play during?

Look, look, look, look. Is that the order? Yeah, this is a scandal, I don't know. So it looks like in the third game, yeah, there is a third game. Yeah, they lost obviously. Yeah I was at that game. Really? Yeah, I was at that game. Uh. And then I also went to see the Bulls play the Bucs twice, but in Milwaukee, I never saw them play in Chicago.

I never I've never I've never saw them. Chicago, hated with Shaq, was on that team, I guess.

Which one on when I saw. I must have seen Shaq play, too, if you saw the game in in Orlando. I love Shaq. Yeah, I saw him play.

He'd be the one guy that I'd break this rule where we could have guests. I wouldn't mind guest on the show. Shaq him like logit big fucking guests. Yeah, well, you know that we could tag team them, OK, but like Shaq is the fucking greatest.

He's awesome. Dude, I love everything about him. If I can have a career like his, we're like you do like one more special. Everyone likes it. You do a big tour and then you retire and do general commercials. Like, I could do that in a fucking heartbeat.

Do it. God damn it, man. That's what a great day to. Here's why you need people like you and that guy Dagur in your lives.

Why? Because, you know, you saw Jordan play in your head.

You were like, I want to see the greatest play. I'm going to make sure I have that memory. You probably remember who you went to the game with. Oh, yeah. Well, with my dad. Oh, guy. He just called, by the way. Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

And but but you remember. So I'd like to have people like that in your life that go. Yeah, we definitely did that. We definitely did that.

Shaq was not playing which game. God damn it. Shaq wasn't on the team in 1997. I don't believe this is the box score right here. It was four.

Which game around this game. Oh, the one you went to? Yeah, it was it was he playing at Los Angeles already or Miami?

I don't think he was even. Yeah, I think he was this ninety seven. So was he drafted yet. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. He was already, he was already in L.A.. He was a league.

Can I tell you. I almost remember him because I moved to Florida in ninety four. Yeah.

And I went to a magic game and to see Shaq play I know that I move there at the end of ninety four so I don't know if I saw him in late 94, early 95. But he was on the magic definitely in that period.

Can I tell you I, I have a I had dated a girl that had a hilarious Shaq story and I want to say that Shaq was on the team but in a suit. And I want to say that the only person I was really fascinated by was Penny Hardaway.

Yeah, Penny was Penny. So fucking good man. He was. It's like that's what when you look at the last dance, they should be. Yeah.

But that, that thirty four, thirty four about Penny and Shaq was fucking amazing. Amazing dude. Yeah. They've been doing that.

I mean the thing is that like we were so lucky, especially if you're a basketball fan or Jordan fan to get the last dance Jordan had to sign. He, he controlled the footage and didn't have to do these interviews. He's Michael Jordan. And the fact that he actually agreed to sit down and do these interviews and like, be so candid, like let's tell stories, it was a momentary fluff pieces about ourselves.

Let's make it because you realize in fucking forty years no one's going to remember that Dalia was better than me. Right. They're just going to remember my documentary about me was fucking amazing. So no one's going to remember the memory. Joe Rogan. But so you want to do like a thing where we like make fluff documentaries about our lives and just highlight.

But do you want to talk about comedy the way that these guys talk about games where we're like we're like, it's your production, it's Late Show Embraer.

And I went up there. Yes, I just slammed that. And it's and like and it's so you cut to people who are like, he was so fucking funny. Yeah.

And by the way, I don't even need to be true. It's like it's like just cut to like David's outgoing.

I was in the back of the room the way that should be your next special title. It doesn't need to be true.

That's a hundred percent a perfect title for you, but it doesn't need to be true. That's you.

That is you. It doesn't need to be true, Bert. Krischer doesn't need to be true.

Let's I'm going to produce a fluff piece documentary. Yeah. On me being the greatest stand up comedian to ever take the stage.

OK, ok. All right. And I'm going to make I'm going to make it an eight part series.

You got to have an eight part series.

It's going to be a lot of the same thing. But I want to do a four part documentary and just and then make it and then people will be like, oh God.

I bet if you saw that for the first time you didn't know me, you'd be like, I got to see this guy, especially if you get people to be like, man.

And one thing you didn't want to do was challenge Burt because he would just take over after that shit almost like really like, by the way.

And I'll keep a lot of these athletes in it, like, oh, just keep Isaiah Thomas going, like, man, I don't have a problem with him.

Hey, can someone edit that? Just take out Jordan's interviews and I'll recreate all of Jordan. Yeah, I have everybody else talk about him.

It's not Bates because it's not a fluff peeps, because he is the greatest. But he did produce it. So it's. I mean, obviously, he's the greatest, but like but they they they handle, you know, they talk about because the critique of him not being, like, really into activism. Right.

Like they handle that made me second guess. I've always said I don't like talking about politics in the new year because I really do believe that. I wouldn't say Republicans. I would say both people deserve to come to a comedy show and laugh. And I think comedy is like, I don't want to alienate or isolate anyone. That's how he not going to stand up and go kick out all Republicans. But like, you hear him say that and then people fucking come down on him.

Yeah.

And people were disappointed because they're always been like these big stories. And then it's like it's especially if you balance that against like LeBron is like very, very vocal about all types of social issues.

So it kind of it kind of falls into that that that comparison that people are always doing.

There will be a LeBron documentary. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, there will and does he just accept that I was he's number two. Well, you know, there's there's going to be there's going to be a Kobe one like this one has been so successful that there's no way they don't make a Shaq want to Kobe one, a LeBron one to Kareem like they're going to like ESPN is going to be like, hold on one second.

This is bigger than Tiger King. This is the biggest thing in media in probably the last 20 years.

I don't know. I mean, I know it's been like a huge hit, but I mean, you know, there is already the Kobe show, like the Spike Lee did a movie about Kobe that followed him. So there's there's there's stuff it's going to be.

The what's that called a mark, my words, there's not one person playing in the NFL that doesn't have a fucking film crew going to earn them and take that from the top.

Just edit that part out. Mark my words. There's not, by the way. Amazing. I could just jump right into it. Mark my words, there's not one person in the NBA that isn't going to have a film crew with them everywhere. Locker rooms are going to be filled with fucking film crews. They want that because they want that fucking documentary.

Well, here's the thing is I realized just now, like through this last period, especially watching that doc, that everything your opinion on greatness is so heavily, heavily biased by the age you are during someone's greatness.

So, you know, like we as kids would always hear about what you didn't and you didn't see creampie, you didn't see Oscar Robertson play, you know, and and you'd always go like and the same thing happens now, like young younger people will be like, dude, LeBron is definitely the best. And then anyone older just they just go like, OK, Boomer, like, you're just old. Yeah. Like and, you know, people will compare stats.

But I don't know.

I think if you grew up in the Jordan era, like if you watched him from if you're like from age probably seven to twenty five thirty, if you're in that age range and you were like watching him in this time, you'll never be like swayed to another side ever know.

And so I mean, I get it like I just go, there's going to be disagreements. People, you know, be like, oh, you know, he had more points per game, OK? I mean, no one no one who grew up with Jordan is going to be like, you're right.

Like this guy who just completely dominated this space for a decade and one, two, three Peats MVP just single handedly could take no one's ever going to be like, yeah, give it to you.

I think the other guys better. It's just not going to happen. Yeah. Would you if you could give your sons a pill. Yeah. So that they would have physically they will physically develop into either LeBron James or Michael Jordan physically. Every attribute. Muscle wise. Size wise. Yeah.

Would you give them that pill now knowing that they may not take up basketball and maybe just the freakish guy in the fucking office when I give them the pill?

Yeah. Yeah, really.

I give them both the pill and extra pills and just have them be just monsters. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Even though if they're just and I would go to all their games and just cry at joy at watching my my sons make these other kids suffer, you know, I would just be like let me again let me tell you let me tell you a story about a guy.

I won't say his name, but I know he has anxiety.

OK, let's just call him Hawk, OK? He knows I'm talking about him.

OK, Hauk was six, seven, six, nine in ninth grade.

God, yeah. And a monster on the basketball court.

Except he was a very shy, gentle dude. Yeah. And he did not like people staring at him and because he was six nine everyone stared at him all the time and it gave him ulcers because he was the center of attention. Anywhere he went, the giant dolts would talk to him. People would single him out. How tall are you? You play ball.

And he ended up stopping playing basketball because it was too much for him.

It was like almost being famous at a young age and he quit playing, but I think he quit playing bass.

I know two dudes, three actually, um, two that were like oversized.

Eighth grade ninth graders who were real gentle, like real gentle guy. Yeah, and they were totally like put off by it. Another guy who was six, seven as a sophomore junior in high school. And all of us were like, you know, holy shit, man, I couldn't dunk. Because his body just hadn't cut up and yeah, we played a pickup game, I blocked a shot of his leg and I was like, Jesus, man, like, you can't levitate an inch, you know?

And he died.

Oh, yeah. Oh, he's just too tall. And he just died from being dull.

No, he died totally unrelated to that. He hit his head on the doorway kind of ceiling fan the here.

But yeah, it doesn't work out great for everyone. Yeah.

Why think about there's got to be more than a handful of maybe not Shaq sized dudes, but like six, 10 who don't have the athletic skill and they just walk around like, yep, I'm six fucking and everyone nothing is made for me.

I can't ever go surfing nothing. I can never go skydiving. I am uncomfortable in playing movies. Yeah, I like reading graphic novels. It's got to and that's not I can't even be a gamer because the fucking controller so small of my hand and. Yeah.

And if you're just like six ten and not an athlete and you have a regular nine to five and then you don't have the, the resources to be like, hey, can we build a house with 14 foot ceilings.

Yeah. So I can walk around like Shaq.

Yeah. Oh yes. My everywhere my feet will hang off the bed. I'll never be comfortable in a hotel shower. It's brutal. Hit me in my bellybutton. That's brutal dude. So you would give your kids that life knowing they may not be athletic. They and then all of a sudden they can. Every flight sucks.

Every hotel sucks. Yes, but the reason I would do it is because I would take a page out of Burt Krisha's book, which is the beginning of this sentence.

Selfishly, it makes me happy that you're this tall. I am enjoying your freakish nature.

It makes me pleased. And if you can't deliver, like develop the drive to get better and compete and take this freak show body that God gave you with pills, then you know what? That's on you.

Fuck, yeah, I like it. I like it. And Uncle Burt approves on that.

We've got to wrap this up. Oh, for real. Yeah. God damn it.

Can I ask you one quick bit of a yes. Yes, yes, yes. Because I want your assessment. Yes.

Last night I tweeted Greatest college team in history, meaning if you go in a time machine and pick all they're all pros from all their past histories, all the time teams, all the time teams you could get you can get Ray Lewis, you could get Michael Irving, you could get Warren Sapp, you could pull all they're all pros, whatever year. Yeah. And collaborate and make one college team. Yeah. What college has the best football team.

I want to hear your answer and then I will tell you what the Internet said.

I mean, there's like there's just a top five that everybody would top five or five.

OK, you would win. I bet it's not the one the Internet says really. I mean, way it would be definitely Miami's in the converse.

Miami. Definitely USC. Yes, definitely Nebraska.

Mm hmm. I would say a few. Absolutely all time team or team, all the time you collect all, by the way, it doesn't even have to be it really technically doesn't have to be. Guys that went problem were amazing.

And it's like they're going to take dominant, dominant Marvin Jones, Derrick Brooks on salary. Simon Deion Sanders. Peter Bulwer. Yeah, Peter Warick. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, I would take them. You have named Paul on my answer. Hello.

Miami, Nebraska. USC, FSU, Ohio State and. Who would be the last one? And that's top five right there. OK, you ready to go LSU to their all time team would be nuts. All 20 would be nuts. The answer that I got overwhelmingly is not one of those schools, not one of those schools. OK, what is it? Pit. What pit?

Yeah, they have the Camerino, Tony Dorsett, Larry Fitzgerald, Curtis Martin Qadi, Mike Ditka, Bill Frolich, Jim Bolkovac, Mike Makima, Mark McKay, Ross Graham, Revis Island Cristol and Ricky Jackson, who I mean, every it's a it's an awesome all time team.

I still think it's a top ten team.

Antonio Bryant, Aaron, Donald, Derrell, Darrelle, Revis, everyone said fucking Pitt in that crazy I mean, no, didn't even register in my. You're right.

That caught me off guard. I still think it's a top ten team.

I still think that like like everyone's going to make that case that the Miami team I would think that that would be most college fans would just be like, look, if you take the all time roster from Miami, it's absolutely bananas.

That's what I said. I thought it would be Miami. I thought it would be Miami. But then, you know, if someone said to me, they're like in this, they were like, yeah, Miami in in like the eighties and nineties. Yeah. But never, ever before then.

Yeah, but and not after then really. That's that's pretty true like that.

But that you take eighty three through 102. It is. I mean it's Hall of Fame central man. It's just really crazy. Michael Irving talked about greatness and it was.

Can you pull up Steve just real quick, see if you can find Michael Irving talking about greatness.

And it's a speech he gave and it was they were putting a mic on him and it was maybe the most moving speech I've ever heard.

He by the way, he's great. My favorite person to watch you press. Yeah. Is definitely Warren Sapp.

Warren, let's call him. It doesn't give a fuck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Call come, come. But we have to have an angle to call him back.

I'll just be like, hey, great greatest like all time teams. Do you think is Miami top five. OK, let's call Warren Sapp, by the way, I've not abused this number. Yeah, he gave it to me. Yeah. Yeah. Here we go, ask ask him a top five, who are the top five all time teams?

OK, OK, OK, that's going to go. I feel like I put a dip in to start this. Here we go. He loves the dip. I know, I know. OK, we're coming. Here we go. Off. This makes me nervous, as might be one of the top. Tell me. Doing your podcast.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I wonder if he remembers me. He's going to say birth conker. What's up? Will you answer? Oh, no, it's quite efficient right now. Probably not going to his or. Unless he's like. All right, leave a message, right? No, no, OK, no message, he's not going to check his voicemail text and text me.

Your call has been forwarded to and give out his number.

OK. Oh, my my hands. Or I was just my last wedding. There was a wedding.

My I was freaked out. We got to wrap up. So I love that. And look, they'll they'll definitely write in the comments. Their top five.

Yeah. Put your top five in the comments. I'm dying to hear your top five at Miami.

I say USC. I said Ohio State. I said FSU. Nebraska.

That's my top. That's my that is exactly my top five as well. All right. And I did not see it coming. I'm looking at my phone to see if Warren is going to hit.

Thing would be amazed. I mean, if he weighed in on this, it would be amazing. It would be fucking amazing if I call him twice.

So I don't look thirsty, right? Yeah. Yeah.

By the way, just do me a favor. Hit up Warren Sapp and get let's just. Never mind.

That's a horrible idea. It a horrible idea with you fucking animals.

Do not reach out to Warren Sapp. He's a he's a nice guy. He's a friend.

OK, um, all right. We got to go. Thank you guys for watching. For listening. Love you. Love you, too, Tommy.

All right. Bert, Tom, Tom. And one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in Burt snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's why. Because there's. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call so you focus on Katie.