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Hello and welcome to Krul Classics for August 22nd, 2020, the show where we highlight the greatest moments of the Adam Carolla Show, The Funniest. The most intimate. The best interviews, all that stuff right here, look into it. My name is Chris Laksamana, executive producer of The Adam Carolla Show. And with me, as always, archivist's super fan Geovani Ikarus. Tagil, before we get started. I'm great. How are you? Good, good, good.
Before we get started with our first clip, want to remind everybody that Geico is now offering an extra 15 percent credit on car, motorcycle and RV policies. Visit Geico Dotcom for more. All right. Let's just let's start it off with a live show I love. When Adam is live, he always turns it up just a little bit more.
And there's different areas. So there's certain areas like, oh, we might have a beer on stage and there's like no strict no beer. I see.
Probably from the have a beer era there. Yeah, you're right. There is there are different eras. A lot of people think that he still drinks on stage. I, I would say I haven't seen him with a drink on stage and probably more than three years.
But also people talk about like, oh, he's drinking a live show. It's like, well, I've actually been in like a standup show that's not recorded and he's drinking. Oh, he is like a Miller Lite that he has an offstage at his sips for a bit like twice or three times. So he goes through a beer per live show where he's walking around for 90 minutes. It's like, OK, so we basically drink water like I could hear it.
His voice, he's drunk. It's like he's drunk off two beers. I don't think that's possible. So I thought, like, was a little bit overblown myself. It's like he's he might as well just be drinking wine.
Maybe he'll sip a Miller Lite. But even when we do that, the two show nights we're in between shows he won't have a drink. Thought that it's done.
Everybody was like, oh, three beer. Let's do doing 90 minutes of comedy. I don't think it's a big deal. Yeah. I mean, in this episode I'm Crawshaw 553 with Michael O'Malley, Alison Rose and Brian Bishop to live episode from April 2011. Let's check it out. All right, so who do we got Mike O'Malley coming out here? He's you guys know him, Mike, Mike, Mike is one of these guys you recognize instantly from being on TV all the time.
And now I think he's on Glee as well. Can we. Hey. Oh, Mike Lynch, I forgot to ask you about this. Do you have Lieutenant Len, can you dig that thing up? Because I got some world class complaining to do. It's a little Dancing with the Stars complaining to do. But I'll tell you what, let's let's bring Mike out. And then when we find this Dancing with the Stars clip, I'll complain about that as well.
Mike O'Malley, everybody.
Yeah. Hi, buddy, how are you? Good to see you. Hey, it's the guy from the commercials with the cute puppy. Yeah, yeah. It's it's Glees target audience. The Adam Corolla. Yeah.
How what's it like being on the hottest show on television?
It's been it's been fun. You know, it's it's been interesting because I, I play the son of a kid who's gay. And the first episode that I did where you play the dad of a kid. Yes. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm probably the father of a kid. And what happened was, is that he when I when I first was sent the script, it sounded like he was going to be one of these guys, like, you know, no son of mine is going to be gay.
And yeah, I don't you know, I mean, they are all right. And and thankfully, he but, you know, I read your book, so I know what you're you know, you you make some jokes about it in your own life. But what happens is, is that, you know, the character says he is fine. He finally comes out to me and I'm like, yeah, I've known since you were three, you know, for your third birthday, you wanted expensive shoes, right?
Yeah. And so it was not I don't think it's a surprise really to any parent that their kid is gay. You have to be in some serious denial because they start the the signs start. They start showing themselves very early.
I have an interesting homophobic thought which will go in my huge hopper of homophobic thoughts. Let's hear it. I'm just going to be honest. I have a son and I have a daughter. And if my daughter was a lesbian, I wouldn't be happy about it, but I wouldn't be as unhappy about it as my son being gay. And I'm not sure why, but I think most guys feel this way. And when I say unhappy, I don't mean it like it's a bad thing.
Like I love the gays and lesbians. I wish we had more gays and lesbians. I have a whole plan where we take gays and we relocate them into bad neighborhoods to revitalize them with all their sprucing up and their manicuring of law lawns and all that, like taking honeybees and mating them with the scary Africanized killer bees. You know, and I don't mean Africanized, but you know what I'm saying? I mean, they could be from Mexico as well.
But what I'm saying is. Well, no, seriously, I used that Silver Lake used to be a scary neighborhood. Silver Lake was filled with gang bangers and graffiti, and it was shitty and scary. And there was like, what happened is, is there was that they say white flight, but there was straight flight. And it straight dudes were like, we're out of here. And then there was nothing but scary gangbangers. And then the gays moved in when the real estate was cheap and pow.
Now silver like sun, you don't come out to anyone visiting swing by silver like it's awesome. I'm just saying you take I've said it once. I say it again, you take that stretch of Santamonica, go to Santa Monica and Western and tell me what it looks like. A lot of guys pushing shopping carts and stabbing people of crocheting needles, gum all over the floor just. And you don't think they're gay junk now junkies defecating on to like dogs and crocheting needles, making a kabob out of poop and whatnot.
And then it's actually a poop circle. Yes. Now go down Santa Monica about a mile and a half and see the golf course that the gays have created over there with the palm trees. And there's no graffiti and there's no crime. So I'm saying I think we should take the gays and sort of colonize, you know what I mean? Like like like they had I will spread the word to the gays. I know you just want me busing them in like a forced bussing program.
Seriously, they spread out and all of a sudden real estate goes through the roof. So I love the gays, but I think I'm not alone. When as a dad, you would probably hope A maybe because you want grandkids, but B, it's a shitty lifestyle. You're ridiculed people. You know, you feel like would you like your son or daughter living in a closet in high school? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I mean, that's what you know, and that's one of the things that they go at in the show all the time.
But I do think that it's even like with what happened with Kobe Bryant the other day. It it is you know, Kobe Bryant was fined for, you know, saying a gay slur. And I do think that when we were growing up, it was a lot different. It was just common. I mean, you just called that. It was it was, you know, I think even getting to the point where they can't really say anything and actually should be able to yell whatever they want, the heat of battle.
Really? Why not? Who cares? They're guys with. Who get paid? Twenty one million dollars a year to dunk on other dudes, let them yell whatever the fuck they want. Are we really looking at them as like scholars and role models or any of them going to be on the Supreme Court? I mean, let them fucking yell what they want. That's that's my feeling. Who cares? And by the way, I think I think Kobe has proven to the world that he's no role model.
For a guy I don't like gays. He sure loves sodomy. Yeah. I will give that a lot of range. Well, I think. But that's the thing. But I want to say, Kobe, which is it to get the sodomy? I got the gay stuff. I mean, come on now. In or out, pardon the pun. No.
And I think probably I'd be willing to bet that he wasn't even he didn't mean it in that way. Right. He's just he's just trying to offend. This is the part where it always turned south, because when you're talking to your gay friends, you're like, listen, I called the guy a fag and I didn't mean it. Like it was bad. Like I hate gay people. I just meant it like he was trash, you know, like he was, you know.
You know what? It's probably true that that's what. No, I'm not saying gay people are bad. I just called him gay. I called him a homo because he's an asshole. I know, but no, not like that. I said, that's gay. Not like homosexual. I just mean, it's like like lying. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, you guys are bad. I just mean like lame. You know, I like what a slurs you think I am.
I guess what would should be the acceptable slurs. I guess we got to sit down and come up with some new ones. Well, one day actually when I, when I, when I did Kevin and Bean, I sat down with a list of sort of euphemisms for for gay guys that would be acceptable, like Embassador to Rumpo Honea and stuff, stuff like that. And I should have brought I should have brought the list and I'll I'll I'll pick it up and pull it together when one of these days.
But yeah, it's a tough explanation. But the point is this. You're a dad, right? You have three kids. Yes. A male and female. I have a daughter and two sons. Right. And as a dad, the gay thing for the daughter, I think is much more palatable than it is for the son. Yes. And I'm not saying this because I'm homophobic. I'm just saying this because I'm a human being. And one of them involves two cocks and the other involves no cocks.
So the no cost option is always good for dad because we fear the. You know what I mean? As a dad, we see cock's looming in the future, you know, kids running a maze of cots and we're scared that they're going to get tangled up in cock. You know that. Bob Dylan. So. So, I mean, our LaBrot, like seriously, like there is this option if your daughter is, you know, in college and she's 20 and she comes home and she says, Dad, I'm a lesbian, I want you to I want you to meet Sharon and Sharon's piping hot.
There's a chance you could go like, wow, this is almost a jack of all the fancy. Like almost. Almost, almost. Well, at least you're not homophobic. Yeah, you know what I mean.
Yeah. You know, I think people especially because I play the father of a kid who's gay on television, you know, they always are asking, you know, what would you do if your son was gay? Is if you've got to prove kind of your, you know, tolerance bona fides, you know, if you're if you're somebody who would still love them. But I do think and I doubt.
There you are. Well, not Giddier. That's tolerant. And that's it, right? I don't know.
You know, the way that I look at it, I honestly, I just want my kids to be happy. I know that some people probably think that's a bullshit. And no, no, I. I finish what I'm saying. We agree there are people out there. And I think because of my exposure on the show and working with kids and hearing what they talk about and deal with, you know, we're laughing. We're having a good time.
It's it's funny because there's a lot of truth in what you say in terms of what makes people uncomfortable and laugh. There's also people are getting killed because they're gay. People are hanging themselves because they're gay, because they cannot explain or are comfortable with the way that they are made. That's it. And that's that's troubling that people can't just be who they are and that people are they're killing them. No Matthew Shepard, they're killing them because of this thing that other people laugh at.
I mean, someone's up for glady by them. No, we just accepted a glad award. But you know what? Wow. You know, I. What do you get? You know, we get a nice little award and balls or just the cock. No, because it's gays and lesbians and transgender. Oh, that's just some sort of neutral. But, you know, you know, just lose sight. Yeah. It's something Jane Lynch, who is in your movie the is a big part of Glee.
You know, when you work with fellow actors who are out there and my son on the show leading very proud lives. And it's a struggle for them. It's a component to their life that is just it shouldn't be that difficult. I concur. And it's it's really, you know, when I say that I hope my kids aren't gay, most of it. It's just because I don't want them to have to go through that that life. I don't want, without a doubt, you know, to go through the ridicule and to, you know, be in high school and feel uncomfortable and then feel like what if their friends found out and now now prom's coming up and what the hell they do.
But I also think that, you know, what's funny is that I don't even want to think about my kids having sex or, you know, I don't want to think about my kids as as sexual beings. And I don't think any parent does. Now, I'm convinced that, you know, if there was you know, if you think about people like we're for sex education in school, they never teach you how to do it. Now, it's always about pregnancy prevention and STD prevention.
It's never about like if you focus here, girls will throw rocks at your window.
You know, I've never been on a date where a guy brings out a cucumber and put the condom on it. Yeah, rarely happens. And yeah, I, I remember one call from Loveline many years ago and I always said to Dr. Drew, I said, Suze, my kids hit puberty. I'm just going to walk around with a cyanide capsule in my cheek. And that way if I ever fling open the door and see what I'm about to describe you, I'll just chomp down on it and that'll be it.
They'll never I'll be dead before my head hits the floor. I'll be like, you know, a German war criminal. And this guy called in. He said he was gay. He was probably about 16, 17 years of age. He said he picked up a dude at a club or dance or whatever. He said, I brought the kid home in the early mornings, the early morning hours. His dad walked in and caught him and the dude.
And I said, well, what exactly were you doing? Because there's different strategies here, you know what I mean? It ranges everything. This is this is. Can you honestly. It's worse. It's worse. Yeah, it's worse than you can imagine. And I know a lot of I have a pretty vivid imagination. This is what he said when my dad opened the door. I was on my back with my legs flung over me, sucking my own dick while he was beating off.
You didn't think of that one, did you? No, I did not know that. Worse, I don't think I said they weren't really having sex. I guess I just know the same room at the same time. Cyanide capsule POW gone. They'd have to step over me to get breakfast. You know, he ate. What happened, old man? Carl, they have their pants up. I don't know. Hey, we heard we heard a thump in the hall and this is it.
We were working on some algebra in here, and that's he died doing what he loved, which is judging. Oh, right.
Yeah, that's that's the one. That's the one. No, the the two calls I remember one was that call and the other was a guy who said he went to a mausoleum and he pulled off the head of a old deceased person. Oh you did Brian. You screen that call he had sex with you know what? He's some kind of sick fuck you up there. I said he and he had sex with what? Yeah, well, Brian, you say it was great because it was early on in my phone screening career.
The guy called up and he was like, I'm having trouble meeting women. Yeah.
Like, all right. Well, I seems to be the problem. And it's like, well, I they always seem to freak out when I tell you I just got out of jail. I'm like, well, all right.
Well, I just got out of jail because, well, I went to jail for three or four years and he was like 19 and like we're 19 years old. This guy, I rip the head off a corpse and put in a fish tank.
Right, right. Rip that put the head in a fish. Well, to be fair to him, it was a terrarium. Yes, right. And by the way, is it please help me on this. A terrarium is an aquarium without water, right? Yes. So nobody should be able to buy an aquarium. You should only be able to buy a terrarium. And then once you fill it up with your hose, it comes to an aquarium.
But I don't know why we need an aquarium and a terrarium. I feel like we're covered with aquarium or terrarium. But anyway, he had a snake running around this thing and he wanted a skull for his snake to slither through. And I said, why don't you buy a fake skull at a costume shop? And he goes, I wanted a skull. All right. Which is a perfect answer for that question. Yeah, he wanted he wanted a real he wanted a real skull.
Oh, by the way, you know. Yeah. Sorry. Go ahead. Right. No, you know, I used to listen to Loveline and you guys had a couple of theories that now that I have you on stage, I wanted you to ask you. Sure. Because you guys kind of came to this on your own. One was that any woman who talks in a girly, little girly kind of voice, even if she's older, was sexually abused.
Yes. When and how did you guys arrive at this? Just the nature of the phone calls. And then also that Dr. Drew said that if somebody has been sexually abused, their brain has been shattered and must be put back together. Yeah, well, he's just looking for business rehab, a clinic. And I always say this clinic when we put our brain back together. Yeah. The Humpty Dumpty clinic emphasis on Humpty the I always laugh because whenever I watch his rehab show, they all drive in that extend 040 kind of line van.
And it says in huge letters, Pasadena Recovery Clinic on it. It's like couldn't just leave it unmarked. So everyone's not looking at us going, hey, look at the junkies on parade. Really. You couldn't get to the youth center if you didn't say, hey, we've had a problem with drinking and our truckers' be like, why do it? By the way, how much how much extra how many extra clients are you picking up where they're going?
Hey, that's a hell of a van. You know, the junkies on board thing on the back, right? Yeah, a little. A little. A little. A little much. Yeah. The not only could Dr. Drew tell that a young girl was was molested because when you get molested, you sort of freeze at the age you were molested. He could tell the difference between someone who was molested at four years of age and nine years of age, depending on what their voice sounded like.
That's where they froze. Yeah. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. He's like a molestation Somalia. You can tell the exact difference. Yeah, it's right on his life vintages. Right on his license plate frame for. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So sad, so sad. Alisyn, you got some news.
First baby girl. You and I have an announcement which is that. Yes I do. New features face to face with Ace and one man's opinion are videos from the show are now available on Huffington Post and AOL. So you can get Huffington Post dot com slash comedy and there are new ones posted every week.
Wow. Sounds like a lot of work. And we're really going to double down on the complaining.
I agree with Charles Manson's life. From the International News Center next to Donnis Minibike. This is the news with Alison Rosen. All right. Listen to this. I think you'll enjoy this good news for peanut lovers. Turns out the Department of Transportation is prohibited from restricting the serving of peanuts on airplanes. Yeah, you should be able to get your precious nuts Corolla. Thank God you don't like the peanut allergy. I don't care about the peanut allergies.
Not interested in you people. People take a fucking donkey to Vegas. I don't give a fuck. Do not call ahead and tell them to take them off the plane.
Who I have, I'm I'm definitely allergic to donkeys. Prompted by complaints from passengers with peanut allergies, the Department of Transportation asked the public its thoughts on serving peanuts on planes. It offered up three options an outright ban, a ban when requested by passenger in advance, or a peanut free buffer zone around allergic passengers who asked for it in advance. So perfect. But now, according to CNN, the agency says its hands are tied because of a 12 year old law blocking action without a more formal scientific study.
So meaning they have to do like a peer review thing before they can go ahead and make any kind of lawsuit. They were just sort of wanting to get. What would the public's opinion on? You know, you talk about this in your book, but what is it that what why do you think that all of a sudden it has exploded in so many people are allergic to it?
Glamour. We're we are obsessed pussies now. No, we don't know the difference between a one and a three. I'm sure we were all allergic to something or one and a ten. We were allergic to something growing up and everyone just said, rub some dirt on it, walk it off. Like, who gives a shit? So what? So you can't eat pineapple big fuck. Keep moving. You know, there wasn't this whole thing where the we put the individual in front of the group.
That's what's happened. If one person can't I mean, it's the same reason why we can't build. Look, take take Vegas. We can't build a high speed rail to Vegas because we have to do fifteen hundred environmental impact reports to see if a fucking dung beetle is going to be displaced. And if so, by the way, if you're looking for reasons, you'll always find a reason. Thus, all we do is we get tied up in court litigation and not an ounce of track ever gets laid toward our high speed rail.
We can't do anything because we're fucking hog tied. It's lawsuits and special interest groups. It's Mothers Against Peanuts. It's dung beetles against rail. What does the map? Mothers Against Peanuts. Mothers Against Peanuts. What would dung beetles against trains be?
Dat dat map and dat. You know, we can't fucking do a thing because we're listening to everybody that's mothers is damn. Oh here's what happened. Dung beetles against mothers against peanuts is damn right. Oh you want to put a fucking second story on your garage. You have to check with every neighbor in a ten mile block. They all say no, you got one fucking crazy narcissists at the end of the street. Next thing you know, there's a court hearing and fucking five years goes by.
This is what we've done. We've empowered everybody. And guess what? There's so many fucked up victims out there. There's so many people that are going to get they're going to get their pound of flesh out of you, not because they have a beef with you. They have a beef with their stepdad who molested him when there were five years old. But they're going to fucking take it out on your ass in the form of you not getting a second story on your fucking garage.
That's the society we've crafted. We have asked why, like the ACLU empowering these people. And we look at this is progress, by the way, not having a train built from here to Vegas and talking about it for the last twenty five years. It's not my fucking definition of progress. Thank you.
I we're so fucking evolved now. We've removed everything. Well, you're right, because the Department of Transportation evidently can't prohibit. Right. Serving of peanuts because there's all these like because they're stuck because of bureaucracy. I've said it once. I've said it a thousand times. If you have a legitimate peanut allergy, you should not be flying Southwest. If your kid ain't shit, if your kid is going to go into anaphylactic shock, if he comes in contact with peanut dust, do not fly Southwest Airlines because those planes are like peanut silos.
You. And fucking empty them. But they're still going to be a lot of resin residue. It's all circulated. It's on every tray, it's on every stewardess, it's on it's up every day. Believe me, if you eat us four nuts, nuts everywhere. Oh, my God. I've been out dusting for knots on a Saturday night and springs. If you had a little swatch of paper that was not just in paper that she would I get it mail order because I'm too embarrassed to go in and buy it.
But if you would wipe it on the tray table, you would wipe it on the ER docked up top, you would wipe it on the top of the seat in front of you. You would wipe it on the Sky Mall catalogue, you would wipe it on the flight attendant's ass. You'd find peanut dust on every single corner of that airplane. Yes. I sent one that they had that that like CSI. You know, there's a camera there that finds hotel rooms filled with bodily fluids.
It's called the woods. Like, Yes, yeah. You want to know it's called it woods. Like you want to know. Ballsy. Dr. Drew once told me that almost everyone had HPV. Human papilloma had had warts, everyone had warts. And I said, I don't have warts. And and he's like, yeah, you do. And I said, you know darn well my friends were fucking I was fighting. You don't get warts. And he's like, you got warts.
You just don't know it. By the way, it's hard to argue when a guy said you got warts, you don't know it. Yeah. Yes, I do. I mean, no, I don't. I mean, fuck you. Especially what can only be seen by an x ray camera. Right. So you said he said you've got warts and you don't know it. And I said, well, what do you time how is it how is it?
I said I said he said, I bet you're carrying the virus and you're not even aware of it. And it's somewhere around the fifty fifth time he pointed means that I had words and then said, everyone has words. I realize Dr. Drew's got warts.
I'm no doctor. But I told you that yeah whatever. I'm no doctor. But this is called projection. So I said, here's how stupid I was. I was like er Dr. Drew, I'll tell you what, I'll bet you one hundred dollars we'll do it. We'll do it live on the air on Loveline. You get an independent doctor to come in here. They dump acetic acid on your wiener and then we'll shut the lights and we'll put we'll put the woods light the black light on on your wiener.
You figure the black light would make your cock look bigger, right. I got the word black right in it.
It's got a Cobra poster.
It's. Yeah, seriously, if you put this if you put this acid on your skin, you put this vinegar on your skin and you shine a black light on it, you'll see every little if you have any little nicks or cuts or anything, it'll just start foaming white. So I said, bring it on, we'll do it live on the air and put one hundred bucks up. We both put one hundred bucks up. The doctor drew up a lot of Nixon cuts.
Dr. Marcel is the guy who applied the juice to the weakness and shut the lights and put the wood's light on there. And he basically said that I had the cock of a 14 year old like like still had that new car smell. But what about Dr. Drew?
He I did not put his cock against my foul. I just challenged him. I happily took his hundred dollars, went out, bought a whore, and then promptly got walked with one hundred ironically. So I didn't have a great ending. It didn't have not that not inspiring ending but yeah. That's Jakon. Yeah. You know, they say it's gut check time sometimes this is cok check time. I just want to say this is a great way to spend holy Thursday.
This is all I'll tell you. The Southwest flight, the only Southwest flight that does not have peanut dust all over it is the one that opened up and had everything stuck out of it. That's the only southwest plane that's not covered in peanut. So if bringing this around, you have an actual allergy to peanuts, do not fly the airline that does nothing but serve peanuts. Thank you. Sorry, continue.
Jerry Seinfeld pulled out of a charity event hosted by Donald Trump's son and he came on its belly.
Now they all have warts and they're covered in nut dust. Not done, but I gave her a healthy dose to not just check it with the words like that, does it? Just like, yeah, that's how I make my escape. Not just he left. I don't know where he went, who. The cloud of dust in a cloud of nut dust with a high ho nut sack away. Sorry, strikes again because I have a 14 year old anyway.
Yes, so Jerry Seinfeld pulled out, withdrew from a charity event hosted by Donald Trump's son. He's sick of Trump questioning Obama's birth certificate and citizenship. The September event was to benefit St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. Trump wrote a letter to Seinfeld, which The New York Post obtained, and he said, I just learned you canceled the show for my son's charity because of the fact that I am, quote, very aggressive with respect to President Obama, who is doing an absolutely terrible job as our leader.
We don't care that you broke your commitment, even though the children of St. Jude are very disappointed. And despite the fact that your manager clearly stated that you are truly a man of his word. And Trump also said he regretted going on Seinfeld's less than successful reality show, The Marriage Ref. Very unclassy, very unclear how that shows absolutely no class. And by the way, The New York Times host New York Post obtained this or Donald Trump sent them a copy of the AP raking in anything with a flashlight in their mouth.
He gave them a copy of it, right? Yes. Wow. This is a weird I can't figure out. I don't I don't think this whole birther thing is going to help any any Republicans get elected, but I can't figure out what's going on. I mean, Barack Obama can't produce anything now, right? Because it's like the birth certificate has has been posted. People have seen it. I mean, if you're someone who believes that it's real, why if it's posted, then how come?
Why what's Trump talking about?
The birthers think it's a forgery. So why wouldn't when you when you showed them the next one, wouldn't that be a forgery, too? Like what? How do you authenticate it? I don't think that that's exactly the problem. How can you prove it other than how he's proven it? I really I don't give a shit where the guy's born. There it is right there right now. If you could find a guy from the Ukraine that would come in here and do a kickass job, I take him, wouldn't you?
I mean, do you guys give a shit? Do you think Donald Trump would be a good president? I think it'd be fun.
Like, first off, it'd be the best SNL we'd ever we'd ever. The greatest SNL. Right. Like everyone at SNL is like, look, I'm liberal, super lefty. I have three sisters that are all lesbians. I drive a Prius, but I am voting for I hope you understand like be the first time every left leaning comedian Sarah Silverman for the first time, Sarah Silverman voted for a Republican. Right. Everybody everybody in the comedic community would be praying that Trump.
What do you think he's really going to run? I feel like he is the new Charlie Sheen, like like every in our face and being crazy. Yes.
We're sitting here talking about him. I think he's just a master. He's like P.T. Barnum.
He's just he knows how to get people talking about and also with the you know, I mean, with Schwarzenegger, you know, being elected and all that isn't sort of art.
Oh, Woodstock aren't all bets are off nowadays. Like, I feel like this was a non-starter ten years ago. And Mayor, you're born. You mean or. Hmm. What's a non-starter? What if it was the novelty politician, the you know, before the Sarah Palin's before, like I said to Schwarzenegger, like the notion of Schwarzenegger, you know, before Schwarzenegger sounds insane. It started with Gopher from the Love Boat. Right. Right. Grandma was a U.S. rep, right.
When Sonny Bono was right, then Sonny Bono and then Schwarzenegger. And now it's just I feel like it's just game on. Like, I just feel like everyone's stupid. It's a it's a popularity contest. And by the way, I love when people try to put other people down by saying it's a popularity contest. Like you may just have one student body president, but that's just a popularity contest. Fantastic. I'm the most popular guy in North Hollywood High.
Is there any kind of blowjob contest I could get involved? Are you trying to put me down by saying I'm wildly popular amongst my peers? You know, it's just a popularity contest, the beautiful people like me. So I think it's I would say in a society where, you know, 70 percent of Americans believe they have guardian angels and forty six percent believe Elvis is still alive. And the aforementioned Sonny Bono, I had party and Elvis. You have a guardian, Elvis.
That's twenty two percent. And the other, you know. Sixty eight percent have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Why the fuck couldn't we elect this guy? I mean, we're not. Right, right, I mean, nothing. Yeah, no, I'm not I'm not saying I want him to be president, but I'm just saying he's nuts and we're nuts. And I got none of your things have happened. Plus, I don't think the president really does anything anymore.
Hard to get things to get anything done. So what would be the difference? Would you notice that for years? I mean, we still do Celebrity Apprentice? I hope so. He would definitely make the White House a lot classier, a lot of gold leafing and toilet seats and clean up that dump. Right. Well, speaking of crazies, Charlie Sheen also made some birther comments at his Washington, D.C. show this week. He was talking about potentially running for office as well.
For starters, I was fucking born here. How about that? And I got proof. Nothing Photoshopped about my birth certificate. The crowd cheered and but then someone yelled, entertain us. And then someone else yelled something. My favorite. Someone else yelled, shut the fuck up and say something weird. Wow. I like Twitter. I like the fact that they've gotten past him saying something funny or witty or interesting. And now just like, would you please urinate or defecate or do something insane?
I paid fifty two dollars for a ticket and a hundred over a hundred dollars for a goddamn ticket. And they did not go there to hear him talk about his birth certificate. They went to hear something weird. OK, so here's all I want to say. Charlie Sheen is selling out for an 5000 seat venues all around the country while comedians, bona fide, talented, funny folks, folks that we know recognizable names are having difficulty selling out. MC giggles in Poughkeepsie with two hundred and thirty seats on a Saturday night.
And Sheen is selling out the mega dome on a Thursday. You don't think we're fucked up enough to vote in Trump as president? Are you kidding me? I'd say that's exhibit A. Yeah. Thank you.
What's Exhibit B? I know you haven't. And that was Mike O'Malley on stage live with Adam Alesund and Brian back in 2011.
I think right around this time he was about to where he was doing his stint on Justified as like this, like Chicago hit man, like Mafioso type guy was really interesting roles like Michael O'Malley. You can really stretch. And of course, we know him from the Golden.
That's right. He started off as the host of one of our favorite games since. Yes, that's right. All right.
Back of the death. This is like five years ago I found him and he's on Twitter, of course. But Mo was also on Twitter. And it was like I think I was looking for a moment or something like Twitter, both of them.
And I was like, oh, child of Complete. Yeah, I love when I love when that happens. And I'll just kind of falls it back in a place. It's beautiful.
Before I get going with the next clip on, remind everybody about Madison Reed.
Mr. Guys, we got we're all on the Zoome calls and we you get that that selfie view and you look at yourself and I want you to feel good about it.
And a lot of the times your hair is just getting a little gray. It's fading away. Luckily, there's Madison Reed, Mr. The very easy to use product where it colors your hair, but it makes it look so natural. It's not it's not overdone, which is nice. And I remember I got some for Adam. He took it home, used it, came back in and was looking mighty fine.
He says it was very easy to use as well. Just you come to the gloves, the activator tube, the color and take just a few minutes. So I think I think it's a no brainer.
Check out Madison Reed, Mr.. And we'll give you a deal right here. Go to Madison Reed. Mr. Dotcom, that's Madison R.E.D. Mark Dotcom. Use the code, Adam, for 10 percent off, plus free shipping on your first box of Madison Reed. MIswrote one more time. That's code, Adam. All right. Let's get go with another clip. This one is a request from Ian Cornell and he wrote, Hey, guys, listening to you on The Adam Carolla Show today.
Great. As always, Brad, I'm talking to Brad Williams. I'm hoping to get the replay of the story of you getting mugged in Brazil on a future episode of Girl Classic. That's a classic worth repeating. Well, Ian, I agree. I totally remember the story because it terrified me of going to Brazil. And here it is from 2014.
One of our favorites, Brad Williams, in studio about last night, co-host with Adam Reiss.
Boy, if I had to flip a dwarf and find out who I liked better. Brad Williams. Adam, right. I fucking love both of you guys, man.
Well, I mean, we and we get along together. And I think that's what makes the podcast work so well. But thank you for being so supportive and always having us on.
Well, it's available on iTunes. And what what else can I say? It's peanut butter and chocolate. How can you go wrong with these two?
You know, Brad, I mean, you and Midget is usually a great combo. It's right. It's right after right after peanut butter and chocolate. If like a cannibal could have a Jew midget sandwich, they would totally be about that or mouth to God's ears. So you just got back from Brazil yesterday. Yeah. And you went there for the World Cup.
I was there with your friend and mine, Kevin Ryder of the Kevin Being show. Oh, right. Yeah. We went out there together, saw four games, went to five cities, got mugged. It was fun. You got mugged. Yeah. And but I was warned that I was going to get mugged by the mugger.
No, I was warned by the Brazilian consulate when I went to get my papers and all that they said, just so you know, you should have a fake wallet and a fake cell phone on you for when you get mugged. Not if you get mugged.
When you get mugged, you can throw it like throwing a tennis ball for a dog. You don't go chasing after that. You can make your escape. By the way, throw it away. Can I say this? When the consulate, you know, whatever piece of shit country you guys are listening in right now when your own people have to give people a laundry list of shit not to do in your country, like, hey, don't drink any of the water, right?
Certainly don't go out after the streetlights. Come on. If you do definitely stay in a crowd like when that list gets about bout as long as Ron Jeremy cock, maybe it's time for you to stop and re-examine your country just a little bit when you're giving lots of you know, I mean, it's like, yeah, when somebody's staying in your house and you're like, listen, don't try the hot water in the entry bathroom because that and you got to jiggle the fucking handle the toilet over again, go out after five p.m. or before.
If you're going to shit you got to wipe your ass with just a handful of goose down. Don't try toilet paper because that's going to clog up the when that list takes fifteen minutes for you to deliver. Maybe it's time for you to go around the house and take a good look about fixing the place up just a little bit. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, but I'm glad they gave me the advice because it happened. So what. What.
So you and you and Kevin. Yeah. Kevin and Bean. Yeah. Are out there. Yeah. How did that marriage begin. Oh well of of me and Kevin. Yeah.
I mean Kevin is an interesting guy in that he, he, he likes to, he likes to go out, he likes to explore, he likes it. He set out to do all that kind of stuff. He certainly did. Well, my brother in law is on the board of Kevin's charity, the Friends and Helpers Charity. And so and we're all soccer fans and we just sort of got all talking. And we this is two years ago.
We decided to do this and we and we did it. And, yeah, it was a blast, was a blast to go with my friends and see and see another country and see it really makes you appreciate American hookers, too.
It really is.
Because, I mean, now there must have been piles and piles of hookers. I can't bring him in on pallets and forklifts. Right.
I don't know what the name is for a group of hookers. Is it a murder of hookers? Yeah, I don't know. It could be a pod. Could be a pot of hookers. I'll gargle a swab, maybe that kind of curse. A cunt of hookers. I with that one and you'll it by American people. That's what I'm trying to say because you owe it to the other countries.
And in the end, these hookers are on Copacabana Beach in Rio de Janeiro and they're standing right next to the Brazilian supermodel with the huge ass in the big titties in the thong bikini. And they're right next to that going, hey, hook me up. Why don't you want to sleep with this? Like, because you're standing next to a supermodel. Like, how do you it's weird. You're not going to choose the hooker. You're not going to choose the rump steak when the filet mignon is right there.
But how do you well, first off, you may not get into that dining car where the where the fillet minion is being capped. What I mean would be Leonardo DiCaprio's cued up. So the requirement I'm just saying there's no guarantees. The rump steak, at least, you know, you're getting sustenance. That's right. You know, true. With a full belly. She is but a full belly, but either way, no guarantees with the models, but also it strikes me when you're in Brazil and everyone is wearing a thong back, you know, the fucking surgeon general's wearing a thong back walking down the street.
How do you and everyone's wearing wedgie, you know, stripper wedgies. How the fuck do you figure out who the who the hookers are in Brazil isn't everyone. I mean, how do you differentiate that? It's pretty much the ugly ones. Oh, really? Yeah, they're they're they're the hookers. If they're if they're on Copacabana Beach and they and they come up to you because I imagine that the hookers in Vegas probably had this same problem where like now it's got to the point where you go to Vegas at night and you can't tell everyone's slutting it up.
Yeah. It's like it's like it used to be easy if you wanted to back in the day, like you're shooting a bad episode of Baretta, you needed a biker gang. Well, just find me a guy with a tattoo and a beer. Yeah, find me. But all you need was a guy. If I'm a white guy with a tattoo, he's a biker for sure. He's got a beard now. Every fucking plus he's got a tattoo of a beard and whatever.
Every hipster like we've all just become one thing. How pissed off are actual sluts on Halloween?
Right. With like everyone's dressing up and they and they got a black bra and they're saying, oh, I'm a slutty nun. It's like, come on, that's my territorials. Supposed to be the whore. So what's up Wadden. So they come up to you is and they're ugly. Yeah. And what do they say.
They, I mean I we must they must have known that we were Americans just walking around like we must just have that American vibe. I don't know what the American vibe is, but we must just be sweating it out because they would they would come up and just start saying, you know, hey, two hundred for a good night, one fifty for a good night. And I don't know. And I would look at these hookers in my head, I'm going, I would pay two hundred not to like.
That's a good night to me. Like like I'm thirty and if you mind, you have a good night is going home. So, you know, watching a movie on Netflix and beating off and going to bed. Yeah. That's a great night. Yeah. Well also as I've said, you know, the car wash charges extra for vans. I feel like you should get a break. Like if I want to say it's one hundred and fifty bucks for Brad Williams and Ralphie May.
Yeah. Come on now. The car wash. Got it right. Well done. Me out. It's cheaper than the fucking Van Daan, right? Well, I would offer a discount that's going in. That's going in your next book. Group Discount. Yes. The same, the same one you would charge more the same way you charge more for a gangbang. If a midget's plan with you and I use the word plower very generously. Yeah, we should.
Absolutely. Good. I would give you a break. I would send agents. Absolutely not going to hurt. I would give you a break. It's perfect. So there you are on the beach. A lot of hookers now. How do you how do you get rolled? Is that is that slang for mugged? Yes. OK, I don't know. Him is very street. I watch Baretta. I understand. I know. Street talk. You told me he's saying rule them like I didn't take any ecstasy while I was there.
All this is that's what they do down the street and they take your watch.
Well, you would know me from North Hollywood High.
I know that that that was coming home from a game in Manassas. And now this is a city that's right on the equator.
So you're it's in it's pretty much a ghetto that they decide to have this soccer games in. And they built the stadium from nothing. They couldn't even drive the parts there. They had to fly the parts of the stadium and then have them come down the Amazon River. So it's really just a jungle.
But they decided to have a game. How many stadiums? And by the way, my theory a few weeks back was the closer you are to the equator, the less shit you build. Yeah, like the less durable goods come out of your country because it's hot and, you know, beach and you're fine. Nobody on the equator builds a fine automobile. Right. Doesn't it just doesn't exist. Yeah. I don't know that the equator or anywhere near the equator produces a fine automobile.
I think they go for the same philosophy with the hookers as well. Like you get towards the equator. I don't think you get a good washer dryer set out any place near the equator or refrigerator with a slide out freezer in the bottom drawer. A good parade. Yeah, right. And but then you have the other line where you go so far away from the equator that it starts going the other direction. That's the sweet spot. There's a sweet spot of light in Michigan.
It's just cold enough to make some good cars. Yeah, but not not so hot that we want to go out, sun our asses on the beach. Exactly. All right.
So we're coming on from this game and this guy, we're trying to wait for a cab and this guy comes up and he must have seen me and thought. Well, it's like the gazelle with the limp, you know, I mean, like that that's the one that I can get. Sure. Now, I don't know if he thought that I was going to help him. Yeah, exactly. Like, you're like you're going big game hunting, you know what I mean?
Like, go out there if you have a Beagle's head on your wall and saying, yeah, shot that beagle down from one hundred yards. That's not very impressive. You know, I know this part where it's like, oh, they hit the old lady and took her purse away.
And you go, well, that's not very noble.
But they've given up dignity. They're criminals. You know, maybe they just want the easiest purse to grab. And Brock Lesnar was standing there and we'll find an easier wallet to get than Brocks. Exactly. So are you there with Kevin? Yeah, I'm there with Kevin. Kevin's a decent sized guy. Yeah, but they've gotten they went on ahead to try to get a cab. So so I'm like kind of left by myself and I'm sort of wandering up and this guy just sort of wrapped his arm around me like he was my buddy.
And then he kind of whispers in my ear and he kind of puts the gun up next to my ribcage and he just goes, hey, you know, give me your wallet, give me your phone. And thankfully, I had the fakes on me. You did get the fakes? Yes. Oh, I got them. I had them ready. And I'm almost like that guy that's like been taking Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu for like thirty years. And I'm just hoping you do a fight like I've been waiting for this moment.
How is smiling as I got mugged?
Because I knew I had the answer, what is the cell phone worth on the brown mark, whatever they got from market? Yeah. The sort of horrible, horrible color tan market over there. I mean, I just feel like I OK, if you have a brand new iPhone, that's that's fine. But yeah, I did that. So that much, I don't know. But he wanted it, right. So I gave him my phone and at the same time I'm laughing.
Right. Cause before I left, as soon as I knew that I was going to have this fake wall in the fake cell phone, I turned on this fake cell phone. I loaded it up with cock pictures.
Oh, that's great. But like all my cock. So he has nothing but a cell phone but dwarf cock and does like the wallet, have the cardboard fake credit cards that come with a wallet. Yeah, it had that it had like pictures of the family that obviously wasn't mine, like they're black and like what can I say this for those who are listening, who produce wallets for a living, we don't need the fake cardboard credit cards in there to purchase the wall.
That's what goes. Yeah. What do I do? Put a toaster oven in this goddamn thing? Like what goes in this? I've never seen me trying to climb into one of those slots or go, what? I put road flares in here like we get it. The credit card goes in there. We'll do that math. Thank you very much. I'll occasionally try to stuff a condom in there, but that math gets done very quickly. Found my wallet should come with the fake cardboard condom.
So it should you pull the wallet out, right? Yeah. Did he want to look inside the wallet? No, they're getting in. They're getting out. They don't want to get discovered because there was a large military presence there and a large police presence. They do their job with me. So I just I just gave them the fakes and then he ran off. And I'm just giddy and someone, like, walks up to me. He's like, what would happen?
You were just mugged.
Like, but he's got to think he's going to see of cock pictures.
And you're trying to explain that like in Portuguese.
It was really weird what the fake phone is actually a fake phone or just a cheap phone. That's not your phone.
It's it's a phone that I've had for four years. Just like when I got my new phone, I just kept this one. Don't actually make fake phones for that. No, it's. So if you could. Yeah.
If you have an old phone or I mean you can go to like a cricket or something like that and get a phone for like twenty bucks or something like.
So fake phone. Fake wallet. Yeah. And then how many different stadiums did you go to.
I went to four different stadiums we went to menow, Recife, Belo Horizonte and Rio.
And what was the biggest, most what was the most raucous crowd you went to?
By far we saw Brazil play Chile and in a knockout game in Belo Horizonte, sold out. And Brazil fans watching Brazil is most unreal experience. I saw so many grown men crying. Really like just like when and not even when. Something like not even when the end result would happen. Like if a guy would miss a pass, they would just wail like like a heavyset woman of color at a funeral.
Just no. Right. And then to just start crying and my team, my team, it was not what I you know.
Oh, and the best part is that everyone comes to these games dressed as the stereotype of of their country, which I love every.
One says, you know, stereotypes are wrong, don't do it, don't judge whatever, like you go to a game with Jeremy Funkmaster. Oh yeah, exactly about like you go to games to see Germany. Everyone's in lederhosen. Skins have the banned Alero and the sombrero on Japan. Fans come dressed as a car accident. It's awesome. And they clean up after themselves. So the Japanese do. They did. And that sounds. But besides the mugging and even the mugging was a nice mugging.
Sounds pretty fucking magical. How many days were there for?
We were there ten days.
Would you have extended your stay if the US had not got knocked down? Kevin from Kevin Bean Show and my brother in law actually did. I had gigs to do. I went home and they stayed an extra day and watched USA get kicked out by Belgium. Wow.
What just. And so your thoughts on the country overall, the country, Brazil.
Yeah. I mean, you definitely saw the poverty lines in terms of the people in the favelas and the in the city structure, like we were on a bus coming back from one of the games and they had a flash flood and we had to stop and just we couldn't move for three hours. We were stuck. We were stuck on the bus for three hours because they had a flash flood where we're seeing cars floating by and people like starting to do makeshift boats.
And this happened in a matter of minutes because of being in the Amazon, everything. So, like the nice parts of Brazil are very nice.
The the hotels and where the tourists go was great. Copacabana Beach in Rio is unbelievable. The Christ statue and all that. It's great. But there's definitely a dramatic class differences like you make one turn and then it's just it's not pretty.
Yeah, it sounds like a really fun and interesting trip.
I've I've hit the road with Kevin a couple of times myself, and he's an easy guy to travel with.
He is. He's great. He got absolutely wasted one night and that was I finally super boring to eat with.
He's like literally I could be like, is there caffeine? Come on, we're in Seattle. Let's go to the fish market. And there's no KFC.
Like, he's that kind of a kind of eater. Yeah. I mean, he was happy with like we like we were like, oh, we got to get some food one time before going to an airport. He's like, now they got food in the airport and then we go to the airport and they literally just had cheese sandwiches. Not the nice it is in a restaurant in the airport. So we're like, oh yeah, you know, this part of me kind of appreciates it.
But when you're traveling, the food is half the half the allure. Yeah.
And and sampling the local cuisine and everything. And the guy is looking for the KFC always surprised me, not to his credit.
He ponied up one night and we went to this restaurant in Rio that was a seven course meal that was like and we walk in and there's a guy putting whipped cream inside liquid nitrogen to, like, make for dessert. Yeah, yeah. It was so good. And we're seeing this really expensive stuff all around. We're like, this is going to be amazing. And so we sit down for the meal and they first bring out this tiny plate that has a small white disc on it, like, OK, well, this is cool.
And then they come with water and they put it on the disc and then the disc grows. It just grows, right? They're like, oh, that's fucking sweet. And we're all look at you like this going to be great. And I grab it and I pop it in my mouth. They're like, what's taste like? I go, Well, it tastes like a hot towel because that's what it is. Yeah. We we're so uncultured that we have the hot towel and we were just so anxious.
And yes, they were laughing at me, but they were all about do the same thing so they couldn't really laugh at me. I'm just chewing on a hot towel. I just I. And that was Brian Williams harrowing tale from his time in Brazil. He was warned. And they were right now I'm just picturing Brad Williams with a prehensile tail. Oh, yeah, I should have spelled it out.
Well, that would be weird. Let's bring that into, like a movie project or something kind of like they were requesting that, Ian and that that was received through Twitter.
If you guys want to request a clip, you can tweet us to at Geovani Giorgio, at Chris Laksamana. We're also on Instagram, Facebook or email us Classic's Adam Corolla dot com. All right. Let's get going with another clip. This one features, of course, one of our favorite comedians, Bill Burr. And also for a team from all the way back in 2010 and September, they have Tracy Métro filling in, which I left the explanation of who she is and how she matters to the show.
So you'll hear that first. You're a little Bilborough, a little bit of the news, kind of a Supercuts, kind of. We're doing all we can. This one is 14 Bilborough, Tracy Métro and Brian Bishop.
Shake it up. Filling in for Theresa on the news, Tracey Metro still play Adam in a round of blah blah blog. And now, ladies, he can be the ace in your home for a price. Adam Carolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. A choice but to get it on, Mandy. Get it on. And welcome to the show called Brian.
Good to see no doubt how hard it is. Get damn hot out here. And Tracy Metro. It's been way too long.
It has been long. You're not wearing anything that's orange. No. And you know, I did it on purpose. And then I walk in here and what do I see? I see an orange cat and an orange floor. And you were trying to copy me?
Yeah, we did. We did pull that a page right out of your orange playbook.
Yes, you did. You you installed it last night for me. Since I was filling in for Theresa Tracy, we met several years ago when we were doing this sort of ongoing campaign to see who would replace the irreplaceable. I can't remember a fucking name. She was so fucking bad on our radio show. What the hell is her name? We know her name. Yeah, Rachel Berry. I'd like to marry like I like Juge probably block out Himmler or something like that.
She was so goddamn awful. And the reason I say that is because she was a bitch. Like she wasn't just bad on the air, she was just a bad person. Bald Brian. Am I exaggerating when I say that? She was very pleasant to me, but she was awful on the air and on pleasant on the air, unpleasant, bad on the air and sort of bad to everyone around her. I would say it's not a delight.
Somebody said something to me one time I was looking for I was interviewing audition, whatever for a job. And they said half the battle and getting a job is not whether you're good enough, it's are we going to enjoy hanging out with you for eighteen hours on set? Right. And you know, if they're a who.
Yes. You know, a douche would have been a nice upgrade from Rachel Perry. I would have loved just to have a empty duche bottle sitting in front of a microphone to my right for those six months. It felt like nine fucking years of my life. God, she was bad. But again, probably had some issues with dad or something like that. And you know how that stuff worked with the ladies. I believe that Tracy Metro was probably the first runner up.
I hope this isn't revisionist history.
Agree wholeheartedly. I think I think Teresa Strasser and that inevitably got the gig. But Tracy Métro, I remember liking quite a bit. And I don't know why I thought she was a little bit nutty. She wore orange all the time. But again, smart, pick a color, pick a team or pick an animal. That's what I tell people all the time. And then when I'm picking out your birthday present, I don't have to pick my brain.
You know, your exact words were just no Claudia DeFalco. All right.
Yeah, that's what I wanted to run in one of the chicks that was in the running.
Here's what happened. Because I remember because it was me. OK, you guys apparently and I only found this out when it was nearing the end, were like, I guess made contact with Teresa. And I had come in not knowing that there was actually really even a search. I just heard that things had been changing. I didn't know there was like an official search. So I just sent my stuff over. And evidently I came in the day that contracts have been signed.
But Teresa was off doing another job and that's how the whole thing kind of went south with her hating me.
Yeah, but she hates herself, to be fair. How about you leave the joking to Adam? She hates I mean, here's the here's the whole thing. It's like all comedians hate each other. All women hate each other. Not all doctors hate each other. Dr. Drew. Hate to, you know, kick the shit out of Dr. Oz the second he said he hates all doctors, HIV AIDS, Dr. J. He hates Dr. Browns. The guy makes that soda great.
So that the deli, he just hates anything with a doctor in front of it. So that's how guys are. You know, women get a little territorial. But, you know, I thought you did a great job. And I'm looking forward to another stellar performance by another man by trade.
I've already taken it out. I'm like, I'm here. I'm ready. All right.
Bill Burr's waiting in the wings. Ball brain is waiting on his three sixty seven machine. Bill, good to see you, my brother.
Yeah, always a delight. Bill is going to be playing tomorrow night at the Egg and Albany. And we're talking about the egg you formerly just open for people at the.
Yeah, big time acts at the egg. And now finally I get to go there and see if see if I could sell more tickets than the guy who sweeps up the place. But I think they think the tickets are actually selling well. Just had a special come out, so. Sure. How many how many people does the egg hold? I think like eight or nine hundred. And what we're up to seven hundred. Oh, that's just got to push through the last two hundred.
You'll make it walk up. Yeah, that's right. Bye bye Elvis. Scarf, scarf on the last joke, wipe off the sweat it in the crowd. How much time will you do with the egg? Probably like an hour and 10. Mm hmm. Yeah. And we have someone open for you. Yeah. Joe DeRosa. Oh, I don't know who that is. Joe DeRosa. He's the teen idol of this next generation. Really, really good looking guy.
Oh, he doesn't miss her shoulders, the missing shoulders, you know. You know, the meat in between your neck and your shoulders doesn't really have those collarbones, whatever the collarbone meat is attached attached to. He doesn't have. Yeah. No Trappes. Yeah. They go they got a strapless. Yeah. He's got plenty of jokes. That's really best friends in this business. I'm psyched to work with them. And now how does it work.
You give them a little little taste of the door.
I'm very generous. You are. I'm not one of those tightwads who makes you go down the street and stay at a Super eight. You stay in the same hotel with me, right. Then we we booze it up afterwards. Yeah. Oh. Speaking of comics and boozing up, Greg Giraldo passed away. That was going to be one of Tracy's stories, I guess. Coming up, we, by the way, will replay our podcast with Greg, I believe, for Monday is how we're going to do that.
Was he a friend of yours? Do you know? I've known him for like fifteen years. I still yeah. I'm just kind of in the shock state.
He he was a really I didn't know him well, did the podcast a few times. He kicked ass on those roasts. Yeah. It was really just a really funny guy and then an interesting guy wasn't he was like he's mixed ethnicity and someone was a scientist or a professor or something. Yeah. I went to Harvard. I went to Harvard. He know he really he grew up in New York when New York was New York when it was like, oh, I think it's dad worked for the airlines or something.
I'm just putting these piecing these things together. But he went to Harvard. He got a law degree. It's really accomplish. Smart, interesting guy.
Yeah. And then became a comedian and was, you know, killing it. He was like comic's comic. We all used to watch him. And if he had a special we all watched his specials and he was just a great guy. And I still I honestly, I can't believe it. And when I heard the news that he was in a coma, I was just like, all right, this is going to be it. This is going to be the thing that turns him around.
And I yeah, I like I said, just, you know, because I live out here on the West Coast, I don't see him that much anymore. So I'm just kind of feeling like he's just on the road right now. And, yeah, it's just it's an awful, awful thing.
It's it's that sort of Mitch Hedberg thing, like Jesus. Why do you know these guys got some of the hacks? I know. How about themselves to you? You just don't hear it. He was he was only he was really young. Forty four years old. And according to his representation, it was not a suicide attempt, but that he OD'd and his drug of choice was prescription drugs. And of course, he's best known for last comic standing where he's just so likable and good looking guy and how how.
But he was clean for a while, right? I mean, I don't I don't I know he struggled with it. And he was he's a great guy and he was a great comedian. That's all I know. I don't know any of the details of it. But other than it's just shocking. Absolutely shocking. And it's so weird how people are wired. And this is basically what what you know what I'm going to tell my kid? I'm going to tell my kid, look, you can fuck around with drugs, but you may be a Fiat or you may be a Jeep, but you don't fucking know.
I mean, you may be Len Bias or you may be my buddy Chris. My buddy Chris, you know, did Nate Ball heart stopped, had to get the whole, you know, Pulp Fiction adrenaline thing jammed into him. My buddy Chris is one of these guys. It's like, you know, he's half a wine. He's, you know, should have been dead thirty different times. But all those years, even with the kayak. Yeah.
Against the waves paddle in that boat. Well, the theme from my five play in the background. No, he's been run over with a few guys. I know he's been run over intentionally. Somebody aim their car at him and ran him over. He could have been dead ten times, but he's just not he's one of those guys. And then there's like Len Bias, like, OK, signs a big contract or what's his name. Yeah, it sounds a big contract by the Celtics, right.
Yeah. And goes, goes, goes out. Does all partying that night that at twenty two or twenty one or whatever. I mean whatever else. The story with that was the first time.
But I don't think, I'm not saying, I'm not saying the contract can go like yeah I think I'll go free but no I'm not saying it was the first time. Yeah I'm saying maybe it was the twenty fifth time. Right. But my buddy Chris you could put two zeroes on the twenty five and you could add another couple of pounds of coke and he's still fine. He's fine. And sometimes you take a bunch of prescription drugs and you do what you know, you hear the rock and roll lifestyle and you hear about the Ozzy Osborne stories and hear about, you know, what Tommy Lee guy and all these guys did and aggressive guys from Motley Crue, Nikki Sixx or whatever.
It's like they're fine. And then there's Len Bias or Greg Giraldo and Danny Bonaduce.
So, yeah, see, that's a shame. Toronto gone. Bonaduce is going to be doing mornings at Philly tomorrow.
The point is, is I'm really going to tell my kid like, hey, listen, man, you could do a fucking pillowcase coke and be around tomorrow, or you could do two lines and fucking you're done. Go into cardiac arrest just to tell them not to do it, General. Because if I tell him that he might do it, that's my thing. And here's the thing I've asked Drew about Dr. Drew about this a million times. You don't know how someone's wired, meaning like, you know, Len Bias was a world class athlete, I have to tell you that, like what little I knew about what was going on.
Like, I just somehow I knew Greg. Like, I didn't believe I was surprised when I always heard he had a problem because he was never I never really saw him out of it. He was such a bright guy. And I can't believe I'm talking about him in the past tense. But I was just it's still just a total shock. I mean, it's just I don't know, man. It's it's one of those that obviously can happen to anybody.
I'm like one of those people, like because I don't struggle with addiction. I was always confused by it. But just seeing somebody, you know, as talented as that guy, as smart as that guy lose to it is just really shows, you know, what they call a disease, whatever they call it. But it's the pull of it is wonder, you know, sometimes when guys are really high IQ guys, they can get away with doing stuff like there's there's guys that are it's that sort of Lawrence Taylor syndrome, which is they're such great athletes and they're so good at what they do that they can go out hollering and drugging the night before the fucking Super Bowl and still get two and a half sacks on Sunday like they know their limitations.
Well, not only that, but they don't have like Greg Giraldo, maybe the guy so bright, maybe the guy is so funny. I met him a few times. We had him in here. It never seemed like anything was going on with him versus when you'd see.
Well, it wasn't like now that this happened, people are going to act like this was a guy who was always out of it. And he wasn't. He just. No, he just had a couple of periods like like go on a bad run and then he would be fine. And like when I left New York, he had a sponsor and everything, and he was sober and he looked great. And I didn't hear any stories about him missing gigs or anything, anything.
And it wasn't until, like the last six months that I heard that maybe he was starting to get in rough shape again. But, you know, I just hope what people seeing this, that they're not going to that he's going to get defined like he was this guy. Not enough on corners. He was he was in clubs, absolutely destroying. And all of us comics, we all watched him and have nothing but respect from sucks about stuff.
I never even heard that about him. But he just the way they found him is that he failed to appear at a gig. And then a friend went over and and found, I'm supposed to be at the stress factory.
Yeah. Anna Nicole Smith could not get away with doing drugs. That's what I'm saying. Like, you know, like, oh, my God, something's up with this person. Maybe Giraldo, sadly, was sharp enough to do it. But again, I never saw it and I never heard it. Like I said, it was just so people don't start paying the guy out like he was this dude on the corner.
I don't think they're going I don't think they're going to because I now never really. I'm naive. Yeah. But I don't have a drug problem. I've got a couple of bad stretches.
And this was the last one he had. It ended up like this. But other than that, he was a total professional. And like I said, he's like one of well, you know, we don't laugh at anything, but he's one of those guys. If I knew he was coming up and he was on stage, I would always watch him because it was just A-list material. It wasn't hackey. He just was, you know, had his own voice.
And it just sucks.
And yeah. And again, Mitch Hedberg, like as a matter of fact, you know what, I don't want to belabor not a fan, because every time I announce I normally just hate stand up comedians. But once I go, that guy's funny. It's like, oh, you hear what happened to Barr? Yeah. So it's bad. That's with me.
Like with musicians, everybody. John Bonham. Yeah. Stevie Ray Vaughan. I wasn't too sure. Like, yeah, yeah. But I think that was a good point that I don't think that the hack's when they die, I don't think he gives a shit.
So nobody tweets about it or writes Sanath that one guy from Milli Vanilli killed himself. I was always the one guy that Robert Fab I was in the I was on five was a hack. But Rob, he was. I don't hate that. Now, that guy. Yeah, he shouldn't. Killed himself, he just waited a little bit longer, he would have been fine because back in the day when we were coming up, when you were finished in show business, you were finished and now you can just show up being finished.
You can just do a show about it to me. I'm finished. Right, right. Right. That's why I think Kathy Griffin is a genius. She has her own TV show saying she's on the list. It's like you have a hit television show. You're killing it right here. And there you go. Exactly. It's insane. Yeah. I mean, look, look, you could either go see Dr. Drew or you could pack on 20 pounds and do some sort of celebrity chop club, whatever it is, or just get your own reality show where you attempt to get your career back.
You know, we follow M.C. Hammer around because we can get a contract. Yeah, give it a makeover. I mean, there's really there's there's so many fucking channels now. It's a top notch a kids. Yeah. Just sprinkle them around you and just shrug your shoulders like that. It'll be the promo picture.
What did I tell you?
You remember this person from eight is enough this fall. Saturday is M.C. Hammer.
Yeah, that was it. Rob or Fab who took his own, who knows. Took a million vanille. Yeah, but yeah, there's no reason to do that anymore. Not with Dr. Drew, that's for damn sure. All right. So, Bill, let's talk or talk about a lighter, lighter subjects. This hole, these miners that are trapped over there in Paraguay, boy, are they. Thirty seven souls two miles beneath the no. Yeah, they're still down.
There's school lunches down to them. They drop they slide Hot Pockets and cigarettes down there and and they watch like soccer or something.
Yeah. Now, see, I would have a sense you're right. Probably first off, my buddy Ray would definitely throw a rat now that thing for fun. Or he would there's no doubt he'd be farting down that thing here.
I would be the guy coming down would be the guy losing my shit. And people would have to shake my shoulders, for Christ's sake, get yourself together. The nineteen fifties backhands today. I would go nuts down there after a while. Like let's just fucking dig ourselves out already.
Well you know the nineteen fifties were a great time because you could backhand a woman and she would thank you. You could backhander and then have sex with her. Right. Consider coming her.
Yeah. Give her. And also there was a also whatever ailed you you could get a shot of brandy like you can have a piece of rebar sticking out of your side, like I've impaled myself on this rebar. Hold on, take a nip of this. This will help your nerves. You know, if you watch old reruns of Mary Tyler Moore, whenever Mary came in freaking out like at work, Lou Grant was like, man, relax, relax, have a drink.
And he had a bottle of scotch on the bottom of his desk drawer was totally considered. Oh, was fine. Two Martini lunches. It was weird that people would. But I mean, not only would gumshoes do it, but editors of newspapers or anyone who had a corner office, even even cops, even commanding officers, they would open a desk drawer. It would be laying down in a shallow pull out. Come on. Here I go.
And they pour themselves. A couple of you need a bell warm. Yeah, they just it wasn't on the right.
Basically, any time you had a tough decision to make because there was no self-help book. She just took a belt. Yeah. And he just went with your gut and it didn't matter what day it was or what time it was. Looks like you could use a pop the other one that'll never happen again, which is I used to love it when Darren would come home on any of those 60s, 50s or 60s shows the guy would come home from work.
You'd have a tough day at work. Mr. Tate's ride him like a mule and told me about that. He'd need to have a couple. He'd need to make himself a highball. You need a cocktail. And he'd walk. And here's what I loved this, by the way. I know this probably never happened in real life, but it still gets me pissed at my wife because there's no way she would do this. The guy could walk right in the front door.
He throws his briefcase down, he loosened his tie up, and then he'd walk right over to the bar. And the bar was sometimes the mobile one with the little wheels on it, whatever. Walk right over the bar, pull the lid off the ice bucket. The ice bucket would be brimming with fresh eyes. She'd take that long to drop in a couple of things into a snifter. He put himself some scotch and walk into the kitchen. Honey, I'm home and I've done who the fuck is filling that thing?
I've I've almost got divorced over who's going to water the fucking pots at our house about three hundred times. I can't imagine walking. Oh, by the way, she doesn't know when he's coming home. He comes home at all times of the fucking day, comes home late after big business, doesn't even say hello. It's immediately to the agony that shot of this before. And it's overflowing with ice. Not one of them is melted, just brand new.
Like every 15 minutes, she must empty the thing out and refill it on the off chance he's going to come home and want a highball. He was living the dream that just sounded like Paris. Nice to me, I'd like to have one of those bars now I open that thing, it's a moth comes out, it smells like mildew, it's no fresh. I swear I don't even have a bar.
I just have, like, bottles of liquor on our breakfast table. It's all like I had a the right glass eye, ball glass, the martini glass. Yeah. They get the right glass. I had the I made something up and it's one of those, you know, I made something up called Man Grea the other day where I just and it's one of those I don't want to turn into Jeff Foxworthy here, but why couldn't he be gone.
And you know, Greg still be around or still be around. But I made something called Man Gry and it's one of those here's how you know you're an alcoholic. I, I have a couple of pops at night before I go to bed. And I was I was at a red wine, but I sort of walked back to the kitchen and I had about two sips, a red wine at the bottom of my glass, but no more red wine.
But I was not done drinking. I improvise. And I just walked into the I walked in the pantry, grabbed a bottle of vodka and just topped off my red wine thing with it. And it sort that looked good. Yeah. It served its purpose. I caught it with anything besides I didn't even put ice in it and I dubbed it man grea which now made it all of a sudden, if it's a drink, by the way, if you call lanterne oil and nail polish, if you give it a name like a happy Jack or something, then you can drink it.
If it's just nail polish remover, you got your fucking Betty Ford or some sort of sex position. Right. Girls are all right eating pussy on the couch. Yeah. Or some cowboy pussy on the couch or something like that. I'll drink it. Yeah. So I just dumped my vodka in on top of my red wine and walked back to the den, ended up finished watching SportsCenter. The work that that was a logical choice. When you said you were going to cut it with another liquor liquor, I was immediately like, clear.
You've got to go clear with that. Yeah.
Just made up made a sort of rosé like a high octane rosé out of my red wine. And I was fine with that, trying to think what I would have put in it, maybe some some fruit to, like, really make it like, you know. But that's that's the whole point. Like, I think the fruit, the umbrellas, the ice, that's all the foreplay we just want to fuck. Yeah. You know, we just want to catch a buzz.
You know, if we can eat pussy, we can drink sangria. So I have to take that one. Oh, I don't I don't know the taste of good wine, and I don't I don't care. I know one good wine. I like Buzz. I ordered a Barolo. That's the only thing I will order. And then for half a second, the waiter raises his eyebrows and thinks that I know what I'm doing and then starts spewing out wine knowledge.
And then I'm just like, yeah, I got nothing. I just just knew.
I just hear cha ching like. Like when whenever I just I go, give me a pinot noir. That's all I ever. And they go, oh, we have something in from Spain that's like oh we just had import. Oh there's something for I go just give me the house because. Because the problem is is you can't ask how much, they'll just tell you oh we have a delightful whatever selection and they'll whatever year it is you just divide by two.
That's usually really much on the menu. When you, when you're with friends and you're ordering a bottle of wine, do you just screw what's screw on the left hand? Can't you just go immediately to the right for the cheapest thing?
I just go, look, everyone just order up by the glass or order your drink. And if I'm paying, I'm paying. But the buy the bottle pretending like, you know, seriously, you know, Fetzer is good enough for seven ninety nine over Trader Joe's. I can't tell the difference. I've never had, I've never had the balls to send the wine back. I do no thing yet. You spend it with your fingers to sniff it up and send it back just like a Louisiana really.
One was bad. Had it gone bad or was it. Oh it's quite ok. I'm a wine stop. Sorry about. Oh yes, I got the wine, took a sip like this is not good. Send it back educated with wine. You don't call yourself a snob. Yeah. That's just all this beer drinking morons. I don't like, I don't like red wine like I make one glass of it but it gives me a brutal hangover.
Really. Yeah. And I hate and I also equate it with really drunk girls like after shows they always come up in their teeth. It's sort of pink now, right. That red wine, if you're drinking the cheap shit, you get one hangover then hardier wine.
So what I find even on the good stuff out, the one that I know step up to the main grill.
Yeah, there you go. I would do that. Sit there and laugh at how stupid it is that a great guy moment should we shouldn't be doing this. Let's put on sports, shall we.
Play a little blah blah blog, by the way. Wow. That was. The father has a presentation of Jeremiah we the first. It's time for blah, blah, blah. The game where we match the celebrity with their retarded online rants, let's play. Oh, right. How many do we have? We have five blogs, we were thinking we'd play the first three wins. All right. If anybody gets to three at the same time, we got the tiebreaker.
Sure. Let's do it. All right. When married couples split up and one person makes more money than the other, often somebody ends up paying alimony and it's usually the man. But legally, under state laws, both women and men are entitled to financial support if there's a large discrepancy in spousal income in the past. Not many men have had the need or the nerve to ask their wives for alimony. However, recently there's been a move toward gender equality.
A lot more men are asking for alimony or as some people call it, Menomonee. I say if you're entitled to money, ask for it. Tom, like, is it Alec Baldwin, Pat Sajak or Donald Trump?
Oh, all right. Well, I was thinking Kevin Federline. Yeah. All right. You guys are not going to suck me in. Every time I get sucked in with the obvious right now, I get sucked in with the wild card. I get sucked in with the eye every time I go. Why's Pat Sajak saying this? Why would it be included in the group of two guys who might say this? Where does this guy fit factor in?
And then I go, must be him, because otherwise why would you throw me? And I get burned every time. Fuck Pat Sajak not going for him. That's a hard one because Pat is just a great punchline anyways. Yeah. Just to throw him in on something like this, not not disrespecting his game show. Trump sounds like kind of Jesus. I'm going Alec Baldwin going back. I'm going to jump in.
I'm not going well, I'm not going BALDWIN because he's already gotten trashed just for yelling at his kid like a normal parent. Right. And so I don't think he needs any more heat like this. Just the look on Donald Trump's face. I think that and he's paying God knows he's gonna think he's coming up with the word Menomonee. I'm not saying he doesn't have writers.
Oh, I'm going to go with Donald Trump.
All right. You're going Trump. I'm going fucking bald one, too. I'm all right, Jack. Absolutely.
Say, Jack, I guess that's my guess. That's my guess. Oh, I don't know. I'm saying it's not because they're fucking with me. It's not been passionately enough for Baldwin or. I know Paul. I think he's right because those two are really entrapment, Bob, and they just seem more passionate writer in this. All right. Let's just do it. We've all made our.
Yeah, the blog belongs to Donald Trump Bilborough on the board. Burr I got nervous in four seconds, like he doesn't blog and he also doesn't write the word Menomonee. He doesn't he wears loafers and acts like he's rich. I think that guy could really scrape together seven grand in cash and I think he's just leveraging. Right.
Can I say this too, when you know you're a fucking snob, when something that's mild as mildly amusing as Menomonee we can't attribute to you Menomonee Fehlberg came up with Menomonee. I'd be like, maybe if you're doing if you're doing a twenty minute set, I wouldn't use it. If you got to do an hour and 20, then I could see working it in, in the middle of the set somewhere. But I would retire if I ever came up with something.
So put it on a coffee mug. But you know your fucking knob when you come to something that would be a four or five in the clever department, we're all going.
I don't think he could have thought of that. Right. All right, here we go. Bilborough Lord, I think maybe he was just holding it. Mm hmm.
And that was Bill Burr and Tracy Métro back in 2010.
Let's go with another live show featuring one of my favorite live show guests, Dog Ambrogio, Episode 556, featuring Greg Fitzsimmons, Alice Rosen and Brian Bishop from April of 2011.
Another live show, a little bit of them on stage. Rippin a little bit of news. Check it out.
Five from the International News Center, next to Donnis Minibike. This is the news with Alison Rosen. It's no laughing at the beginning of sorrows. Mary Tyler Moore.
There's a lot in the middle of it. There's no talking. After the laughing come a couple of quick announcements. I wanted to remind everyone about our new features. We have one man's opinion, which is Adam talking about politics and then also face to face with ASW, which is the best of our interview segments. And these are new and available every week on Huffington Post dotcom slash comedy. So go there and watch that. Yeah, please. And then also, I want to let everyone know I've been getting a lot of tweets from people wondering what's going on with the Tournament of Roses.
And we have not forgotten about it. It is still going on. We have been trying to coordinate the dates with the two finalists and there's been some complications.
Plus, Allison, Entecavir pushback from the Armenian guy that was using as an ashtray. Yeah, the guys, it was a deal breaker like I did it. I needed to know what it is to me. Finish sugar. Oh, thank you. Come back tomorrow. I clean for, you know, a clean douche. I feel like I need to clean up car wash and douche for you there. Are you going to talk to me? I'm like a lame ticket brother for you and your cousin Ivy.
Ivy. Yes. Well done. He's but he's he's using your asshole to plant the bulbs. Hold on, Ivy. Yes. I don't want to be rude, but I mean, it's been two weeks that day. You know what I clean. I put the coat of our new black son for you. Yes. Go back the last time. Flush it up. I flush it up. But there's a new snatch smell when I'm done. I you know, but I'm tired of using this little pair.
No judge, no judge, no hymen, no hymen, no joke. But I knew. But I knew Hineman.
Meanwhile, Whyman is his nephews. Hey, hey, man. I'm sorry.
I don't want to go through losing it again. No, it's not as good. I put it under pillow. Go nowhere sometimes on top of a pillow. Hey, you know, this is okay. I got I got like my own vagina. Mm. It comes with pine flesh and it on like back to you. Yes. I went on penis like a little. Yes. A I get it back. So yeah. Now that I have that back tournament of roses it's still happening and I will be making an announcement of the winner at the next live show here.
This is it. Keep in mind, yes, we have for China. We're halfway home to spring. The rest of you, that's up now on stage to everybody.
This is. Hey. Welcome. Come on down, have white collar, say, three. Alison's vagina. Yes, clean up four. Sorry, I'm just trying to think what my vagina stripper name would be.
I'm touched by Armenian. Mm hmm. Yes.
So anyway, yes, you guys might or might not know that the vagina keeps mouthing off. I give a fat lip.
Thank you. Thank you very much. I prefer the term Pistone rejuvenative.
Obama released the long form birth certificate, that foreign baster document today because he said that we're not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers.
So he just felt like all this birther nonsense, if you want to call it that, was that was distracting from more pressing issues. Prior to this, aides had distributed a shorter version of the birth certificate, which is the version that officials in Hawaii normally give out to. This thing that he showed today is not something that people normally see. No, actually, it's a placenta with lei around it.
Colossal waste of time, by the way. You know, you say what you want about, you know, Saddam Hussein or, you know, Moammar Gadhafi or any of these guys. But if this should happen to them, they'd be like, oh, my birth certificate. Oh, yeah. Hey, you know, and I'm sure it's a great idea. What's your name again, Tim? Just pull out a forty five. Put it on the guy's chin.
All right. Anyone else see my birth certificate? Yeah. Awesome. Let's move on with raping and pillaging. All right. Let's get back to work here, baby. It's like he's already on the field trip. We don't need the permission slip anyway. Right? He's there. We're at the museum. We don't need permission. Is there anyone who shame anyone who. Is a birther who changed their mind today upon seeing this, or are they just like, oh, this is just more of that, you know, hoax where he's going to slowly fuck up the country by gently disappointing everyone?
Yeah, I know. It's like the quiet storm.
It's like, what heist is he pulling off? Exactly. If if this whole thing is the conspiracy that people think it is, I don't know. But is there any way it could if you brought Joe Rogan to the moon, would he admit that no one has ever been to the moon or that someone has been to the moon? You know what I mean? I'm not like I'm going to sit here and talk shit about a guy with an octagon.
I feel like he also has a deprivation tank, sensory deprivation.
I feel like once the guy's once you dig in, whether it's the Twin Towers all being blown up by Navy SEALs or whether it's, you know, Spike Lee saying that the levees were destroyed by the Navy SEALs or whether it's a Joe Rogan saying no, Ed Asner talking about how 9/11 never happened or whatever it is, whatever whatever fucked up theory you have, once you dig in, you're just in. And the more information that people or the more facts that people present, the further you dig in those guys.
Are you talking about the Christian church and carbon dating right now? I am. I mean, because there was a point where factually a point right now you can go through the Bible and go to every fucking fact and go, this is not true. This is not true. But what are you going to get rid of all these crosses? Right. And all these buildings, I mean, all the jewelry alone you would have to scrap. Sure. So you dig in and you go, well, it's it's what is it when they say it happened but it was divinely inspired?
I shit. It's a lateral move. I understand. I mean, I understand once you believe in something you can't stop. Look, it's like a woman being in love with a guy finds out the guy was out killing hookers. He goes to prison for life and she still continues to visit him even though he was out raping and killing hookers. Sweetie, are you listening? I'm just saying that's devotion, you know? Right. So devoted. Whatever we dig in, we have our teams, you know what I mean?
I was a Rams fan. They fucking moved to St. Louis. What am I going to do? Yeah. Yeah, I've moved to St. Louis to screw the Rams. The point is, is you have your beliefs, you dig in. And that's it's sad but true.
I think it's a mistake that he released this, though. What did Rogan do?
How high are you? I mean, Obama is hoping that by releasing this, we can as a nation, I don't have to move on. I don't like I don't like, you know, call me old fashioned, but I like the president to have a little sort of regal ness to them and some ass wipe with a bad comb over screaming Give me this. You should not like the deal. The deal is you should not be going and playing the saxophone on late night shows.
You shouldn't be sitting down with Oprah. There should be no, you know, things where you're on and boxers or briefs on fucking MTV. Shut the fuck up. I mean, I want you I want you somewhere where I can't find you wearing a suit. I don't want to see you shooting hoops with, like, iced tea or something, you know what I mean? Well, that's because America says we we don't want any Washington insiders. Yeah, let's get outsiders.
Let's get people. They have no fucking idea how politics work. That seems like a good candidate to me. Yeah, well, I. Son of Bush, I will I will sell. I will tell you this. A vote for me is is a message to the fat cats in Washington. That much that much I can promise you right now. People I don't even know you were on the ballot either. But the point is, is I want my fucking president to be the president.
Like, I don't want to see his NCAA brackets. I don't want him chewing the fat with Tyler Perry. I don't want any of that bullshit. I want the guy just to be the fucking president. You can you can fuck a celebrity every once in a while. And if anyone says anything will kill you, that's the way it is. Yeah.
Those were the good old days when Trump released a statement or was on TV saying a bunch of stuff. And we have that clip taken credit basically for what happened. All right.
Over under on how long it takes her to work in Wharton School of Business. Good morning. I'm very proud of myself for what I've accomplished, something that nobody else yesterday felt like shit about himself. But today, just in form, he made it to proud of what our president has finally released a birth certificate. I do want to look at it. I hope it's true so that we can get on to much more important matters so the press can stop asking me questions.
He should have done it a long time ago. Why he didn't do it when the Clintons asked for it, why he didn't do it when everybody else was asking for it. But I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully. Getting rid of this issue now, we have to look at it, we have to see, is it real?
Oh, God, the blowhard of meters like pegging now at like 9000 rpm.
I also we. Whoo hoo! How did he become Wemyss genitalia number one? Number two, I don't like it when people interview themselves. That's I think why didn't he release this earlier? Why did he not make this public record years ago when he was running for president? Why did he not divulge it when the Clintons asked? Great question. I don't know. Why you ask yourself questions is you don't have the answer to I. I don't stop yelling at me.
Yes. Me stop asking me questions that I don't know. Oh, ask me more basic questions like how tall are you? Yeah. And me. Yes. Oh, man. I really I really feel like he played it wrong. Like you said, he shouldn't have brought it out. If you're playing poker and your opponent keeps raising and you know, you got the fucking cards right. You wait until the week before election. Right. And then you reveal your full house, read them and let them fuckin keep you to keep banging that drum.
He doesn't have the birth certificate. We're going to win this election. He doesn't have the best week.
We've got the birth certificate. Right. I here's what I would like to see happen. I would like my dear friend Alec Baldwin to pack on about another sixty five pounds. I would like him to grow a major league beard and really go old school with the best in the pocket watch.
And Berenstein. Yeah. Charging, you know, basically challenging people to tools and saying good day, good day to you, you know, top hat. Yeah. Monarchal that he could drop into his cocktail when he was really shocked or upset, you know, doing this thing where whenever he met a foreign dignitary shook his hand real hard, you know, and stare neurosyphilis. Sir, my word is my bond. Yeah. Yeah. Syphilis. He's dying of civil, but just a super husky, bearded Alec Baldwin.
Just this the face of America. You know, the cat in the White House. He's hunting on the lawn, the greatest role of his life because I'm tired of these fucking spindly dudes, you know what I mean? I mean, Barack, he doesn't look he looks like the kind of guy you throw your keys to him when you pulled up in front of a restaurant.
Malaby, I'm sorry. I want some fucking meat. It's not right. Look, I may be racist, but that's not a race. Oh, wait a minute. I'm not racist. Hold on. Let me interview myself. Are you racist? No. OK, the point is this. I just interview I did a hard hitting interview with myself. The point is, says I don't want any guy that goes about a buck sixty five running the country.
I want a big, robust guy with a pocket watch who's so fat, by the way. He's so fat he can't get the pocket watch out of his vest. Yeah, he just too much chest is just barely a chest. Like I cannot remove this pocket watch my chest and garters and garters in spaatz slave. That's right. A couple of slaves run. I mean one. Sorry, where was I just even purchase Spatz these days online.
Yeah. You got to go online and if you do go through Amazon and click through Adam Carolla dot com and Herschelle who would vote for a super fat bearded Alec Baldwin.
With every speech ending with I said good day, you should coach him coach's campaign. I could work on him. I think I got a vice presidential candidate on the ticket. We got Joe Rogan.
Yeah, every every rally. He's in the octagon. We'll have to learn about that moon Boston in school anymore.
I'm I'm just saying that a lot of these a lot of these backward nations we're dealing with, a lot of these crazy fucking fucked up backwards nations, they are they're insane. But I think their leaders sort of judge our leaders just sort of one on one. They don't factor in factor in our military that could crush them overnight. They're sort of like, I think I could take this dude, thus I should shit on your country. They don't factor in the stealth bombers and the F 22 raptors and the fuck and the the the pilotless drones that will just rain Hellfire missiles on their fucking compounds that they don't factor in.
They go, this guy looks kind of like a wuss. I bet I could kick his ass. That's why I went to super husky Alec Baldwin in there. I like it. And possibly Daniel Baldwin is the vice president just for fun. You know what I mean? Tubic Yeah. All right. When you got to put on some weight, listen, here it is. Daniel, drop thirty. Alec, pick it up and put it on.
There you go. President, vice president, thank you. Where were we? You can never be too high if I was going to answer that question. That's what I would say.
A woman from Monterrey, Mexico, is suing Continental Airlines for misplacing her dead husband's body now in a lawsuit filed earlier this month. Martha Elena Flores Cura and her niece, Ludivine Rivera claim Continental Airlines lost the remains of her common law husband, Humberto Rivera, while transporting his casket from Atlanta to Texas in August 2009.
Common law. I mean, come on. Sure.
They weren't really, um, you know, paperwork there. Yeah. Yeah. I got to tell you last. No, it was a poor choice of words. Yeah. I went I went to Cabo San Lucas a little fishing trip, pulled up like a 50 pound tirado, by the way, and then watched a barefoot guy beat the shit out of it with a baseball bat, just like I said, the biggest pussy in the world. They turned to a.
What the fuck do we do with this fish? It's on our boat is like you hit him with the bat. I'm like, oh, God, it's like Goodfellas. Like, Oh, shit. The one thing that I found interesting is you flew in from Mexico to go to Cabo. And as the plane was taking off and the very old DC 10 was taking off, I shit you not. Thankfully, I was drunk and I saw it in the back of the plane and give a shit.
But as the plane took a steep incline up into the wild blue yonder, the captain's door was flapping open like literally just like like a saloon door, just like this, slapping against the bathroom door. And I thought, wow, I love Mexico. And then I thought, wait a minute, we're not in Mexico yet. We're still plenty time to turn around and crashed into the Arco building. We're not over international waters. We're still just clearing El Segundo at this point.
I thought somehow the rules didn't apply, but I thought maybe they should apply when they're over our airspace. Call me old fashioned international, the fucking door. Well, I mean, I was this close to them just hanging Bede's, you know, they're like like like the pilots, like like the cockpit was a swinging pad from the 60s, like door flapping open, although we way. But I'll tell you actually smart because the terrorist would have been like, oh, I'm going to go blow this up.
Now that's a trap. There's no way to know whether there's been this big a fuck up. It's not believe me, there's a guy waiting there. Believe me, I know this guys don't do it. Don't do it. So I don't understand the problem.
The guy's dead. I mean, how many cultures you're dead, you're dead.
All deeply religious. They're all fucking. Are you kidding me? The body. It's the body of a dead guy.
Are you fucking kidding? People are not they won't even let you, you know, take an organ. You know what I mean? I mean, people go nuts with that stuff. I mean, they have the big mausoleums in there. Yeah. The caskets are five grand. Yeah. Come on. I like the Hindu. They just take you, they throw you on a bonfire and they throw fruit on you for the trip.
Yeah. That's the way you want to go.
I'd like to be put in a giant incinerator and a great name for a garbage disposal isn't it.
Yeah that is this guys. See this dude's installed in a sink.
A writer too. I know the Mexicans, they work with their hands. These people you write, you know what incinerator is, right? You install them right here. Four or five, six of them. Wow. That's that's a weekend, I gotta tell you. Are you do plumbing. Yeah. You can sweat pipes, PVC abs, you do it. All right. That may not that whole thing they'll tell you. Oh, plumbing. Oh my cousin will come tomorrow.
He does the plumbing. Same guy. Different hat. Yeah. Huh. My other cousin. He'll do the wiring. It goes up to the van. He gets a new hey it's back again. He knows we don't pay attention. That's right. Yeah. And then the garbage disposals are called the incinerator. I love that. Did you know that for the entire time I lived in New York, I didn't have a garbage disposal because they don't have them there and I don't know why.
What is it, some sort of weird sound ordinance or something? Anti Mafia thing? What it is. Does anyone know?
Hmm. Yeah, I don't. I don't I don't know. But it is weird. It's been a while since I dropped the fork or the spoon down there, but there's no greater sound. It's just I can't can't can't can't. You can't get to the switch fast enough and then you will still continue to use that spoon, even though it's kind of weird fucking burr in it. And it it'll drip a little milk from the cereal bowl down your chest and cut your lip just a little bit.
And it's all of eighty cents worth of spoon, but it still will not come out of the rotation. But, you know, you respect it's like a. Guy has been a knife. Yeah, a little roughed up. Yeah, it's like a three legged dog. Come on, he's still fucking hunting. And those Grapefruit Simmons live on stage with Adam, Allison and Brian back in 2011, World Classics is not over yet though. We have a Rotten Tomatoes game ready for you.
This is a 50 second installment of the game and also 16 27.
The main guest was Michelle Beadle tonight. And this is just my naturally Vinograd and Brian Bishop Saron Tomato's Game from July of 2015.
Check it out. All right, shall we play a little Ron Tomalski? Down with the fresh shale rock movie game. He needs a glimpse of the. Rotenone crash. All right, what do we got? We're going with the cast of Mission Impossible as the theme for today. So the first film is for Tom Cruise. In 1988, he starred as a young man who, among other things, was bribed by his girlfriend's father to leave him alone.
The movie is Cocktail. Mm hmm.
Sort of fun and a very 80s way, Larry, if you're looking for just some quintessential 80s bar scenes in neon and that. Yes, it's very super 80s. We miss Brian Brown.
You know, the only piece of trivia I have about this movie is apparently they brought in bartenders from TGI Fridays to teach them how to do what whatnot?
No, Gina Gershon is like a celebrity photographer who couldn't get enough of them behind the bar.
Yeah, I do miss those themes still. Yeah. Where where their photographer can make it happen. Yeah. Jamie Lee Curtis is going to write up. No, John Travolta is going to write a piece on Rolling Stone about Jamie Lee Curtis. They're really into this. This. Yeah. There's there's a there's a fitness gym in Fort Myer and the Rolling Stone wants to know what's going on over there. And that is the plot of Trainwreck and it's pretty good.
All right, let's let's see. Can't be high, but is it like insanely low?
We know it's low, but we don't know how insanely low it is.
I'm going to say it.
Well, let me ask a question before you do. It's not like the color of money where there was Paul Newman like was there was there another anchor? I can't remember Elizabeth.
She wasn't that person back then. So much. I mean, easy on the eyes and all. Brian Brown sort of had a little thing going. Speaking of credits, I wonder if we see the poster, this move, their names are next to each other.
Brian Brown wield the much clout back then.
And this is after effects or before effects or whatever. All right. Thirty four. I said 38. My fear is I'm way too high, though.
Well, then I'm screwed. Forty five. Oh, shit. Oh. Have you guys ever seen a five before. It's not that bad is it.
It is that I've seen and I remember being. When's the last time you watched. It was probably the bad movie. That's, that doesn't hold up. I gave the whole fucking speech after the goddamn game last last week where I said it's sort of hard to tell between a thirty five and a five because it can be a thirty five or it can be a five. You don't once you dip, once you get well below 50. It's kind of just up to you now.
But they're out there. See this is what, this is what fucks your shit up. Did you see the logline.
What was it. Sorry. When he pours he rains are the good stuff.
And what are the things I find with the really low scores? Is is there a group of people who looks back on a movie fondly? Right. And I think cocktail's one of those movies that nobody looks back on and says, oh yeah, I used to love that movie at that. If at the time you're thinking it's bad, as opposed to some classic action movie that you grew up on and loved. Yeah, that's what happens.
I think sometimes I'll tell you what I treat it like. I treat it like a Berlin song. Oh, I don't like Berlin that much, but they come on and it kind of reminds me of a time I got very indicative of a time. And when I see this, I just sort of sit back. And first of all, it's fun just to watch people smoke in bars or just standing there, just watching people smoke where they want is kind of kind of nice.
And then all this super bad, like even even the poster has that neon, you know.
All right, here we go. So is anyone a negative right now? Are we all?
All right? Next up is a 2012 film starring Jeremy Renner carrying the torch for the Bourne franchise. This is The Bourne Legacy. Hmm.
I never saw I saw this one. This one I saw the first one, which I like the lot USA for the whole first three trilogy.
There's no solid action. Yeah, you know why? Because. In a world of, you know, planets colliding and CGI, this just went straight back to bare knuckle fighting and stunt driving and it's so much more visceral as a human being, you know, I think I know maybe I did see this one anyway. I guess it was well received. Probably not maybe as well as the first one. But I'm going to say people liked it. And that's why I give it to one wild guess 69.
I said 71, 55.
Oh, fuck. Wow. It's not that bad. I've never seen it. Oh yeah. You I thought you liked it on a while.
I haven't seen all of it is not the trilogy. There's No. Four.
Oh this is what I was Bowlsby legit. Oh this is for. I thought this was like two or something. Anyway, the first three movies. All right.
All right. Next up, Alec Baldwin makes an appearance in in Mission Impossible. And so we're going with a 1997 film where he stars opposite Anthony Hopkins and an adventure story about two guys being chased by a bear in the Northwest Territories. The movie is The Edge. I don't want to remember that one gay porn and I don't support it either. But either way, does anyone even recall this movie?
Oh, yeah. This movie is great. Oh, yeah, it's great. I've never seen it. Mamet wrote the script, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brian talked about this.
We talked about it. And I've listened. I've never seen this movie. Mamet Right. Yeah. When I tell you three years ago, go watch. It's not really good to have and you watch movies every fucking week and feel free to watch this movie work in The Edge. Look at that.
It's no Mamet. It does some great work in this movie. And it's it's that it's a genre I love, which is just sort of like the grey or it's that sort of guy alone in the wilderness, you know, guys alone trying to get my story. It's yeah. It's not a horror movie, is it?
No, it's it's there's a bear, real bear, not a haunted bear. The story is that happens. And Alec Baldwin, Anthony Hopkins is married to this trophy wife, Elle, Elle MacPherson, and he thinks that Alec Baldwin is having an affair with her and they're out on this plane and the plane crashes in the woods. And there's and there's one other guy that survives. And then this bear attacks and eats them. And there's been something early on where somebody said, like, what's a bear gets to taste a man?
He never goes back to anything else. And so the rest of the movie is them trying to escape, like fighting off the bear. And is Alec Baldwin going to kill Anthony Hopkins because he wants his wife based on a true story?
Mm hmm. Isn't everything OK?
But well done. Helps to know the Bible. Lots of good, good dialogue. Just kind of slow burn when those movies that starts out, you know, first 30 minutes, not exactly sure what's going on and then starts to kick in. But I recommend you like this movie, right?
I do like this movie across on my squirrel. I'm sticking with it. It's good. I can't imagine that that many people didn't like it. I'm not sure what there is not to like, but I'm still going to give.
Seventy one wild guess of 66. The only reason being, I never hear anyone talk about this movie outside of this city doesn't get its due for the same exact reason.
I've literally never heard of it. So it can't be scored that high, in my opinion.
I'm going 68, 60. Hmm. Mm hmm.
Oh, little. Little. A little low for what I think I Brian, you're going to like this movie, I'm planning on seeing it.
Yeah, I don't know what the yeah, that's what I'm always surprised that it's that low. But like, Ronan is down in the high 60s, and I always. That always surprises me too.
Well, it's it's low in that you go well, 40 percent of the people who saw this didn't think it was a C plus or a B minus or whatever. And it's like it. You see the poster, you see the two guys, you see the bear. That's your movie. That's it.
Delivered on on what it was. Plus it's got it's got the dialogue because it's a mammoth film.
All right. All right.
Next up, Ving Rhames returns to the Mission Impossible franchise. I think this is his fifth appearance. He's been in every entry. He in 1994, he was with an ensemble cast in a movie from Quentin Tarantino. He played Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction.
Oh, we all love this movie. And critics love the two. God, you know, there's anybody it used to be Oliver Stone. I used to look forward to his movies coming out, and I think he went insane.
But your post Natural Born Killers right in there.
You know, I like the doors. I you know, and I'm trying to think of, you know, Wall Street and all that stuff. But it used to be if Oliver Stone was coming out of the movie, I was kind of going, oh, I didn't pay attention. I didn't think it was I didn't it didn't mean it had to be great because it was just going to be an Oliver Stone movie. And I wanted to see what he had to offer.
And now I feel that way with Quentin Tarantino. He's coming out of the movie. I want to see what he's got to offer. And I'm pretty sure it's going to be good. But either way, that's his thing. I'm very pleased with the interest decided that he's coming out of the movie. All right. I think the critics love this movie. And I'm trying to get back in this fucking game. So I'm going to say ninety six percent.
I said 90.
Are we allowed to say the same thing? You know, I wrote down ninety six. Ninety three. Oh I like it. Yeah.
Talk about like who the movie's for. Like this. Well critics would have loved this movie. Oh yeah. It's for that but wow. Oh. Ninety six audience score two and a half points to apply.
New rule, new rule, little known rule that two and a half point seldom discussed a clause in this game that when you get the audience score you remove the reason we do have.
OK, I got to go.
All right. Next up, the newcomer to the franchise, Rebecca Ferguson, last year starred opposite Dwayne Johnson in the retelling of the mythical story Hercules.
I'm never the one, not the one, but one of my top not interested genres are these are these mythical tale ones where the you know, the guys fighting a serpent in his leather underpants. But this takes place 2000 years from now. But he still has a slingshot. He's got a spaceship like it very always borders on homoerotic weight. And the premise of this movie, I don't know, is it in the future, but in the past? No, no.
I just mean, there's a lot this is the genre.
It does border between homoerotic and very homo erotic. Three hundred.
It finds its place right in between very homoerotic and super duper erotic dipped in jizz and homoerotic. I never really and I can never really figure out not this movie per say, but I can't figure out if the guy has superpowers or he's just like super strong because sometimes he's doing battle in a very conventional way. And another time he lifts a pyramid over his head or something. They sort of come and he's he's essentially a superhero.
But is he a man or is he?
Well, it's just super, super strong guy. But I'm talking about a lot of these other movies like John, whoever are trying to Thada one. Yeah. Like those kind of things. Like, is he can he fly or can he not fly? Why is he having trouble? It's always blurry.
All right, Hercules, I don't think I don't think people hated this movie, but I got it. Did they?
I got to be I got to be at least twenty five points off of the I'm not even on the lead lap. I'm somewhere around. I'm I'm not on the lead lap of this race.
So I'm going to go way out and go. Twenty seven percent, I said 33 have a horrible suspicion this is actually higher than we all think.
Oh, then I hope that's not true because I'm going 12, 60.
Oh, I am not listen anymore. This is. I will take this loss because it's such a sloppy, embarrassing excuse of a Rotten Tomatoes game, no one won. Nobody won this degrees of losing. I'm announcing before I even see the scores, there is no way. It's interesting. I know you could do that. There is no winner.
I think I won. I'm going to predict that I am the high three digits. This is pathetic.
Whatever clips. Two hundred for let's say.
I think I'm about to. Oh, my God. He grabbed one 10 and Kuryla, one on one bald, Bryan, and embarrassing, I don't know. Hey, you just lost the lease.
I know when I'm crushed. Hmm. Yeah. Wow. That was very hard. You just won the 100 meter dash with a time of three minutes.
Twenty one seconds. Still got that gold rush. Hmm, a sloppy game. And that was the Rotten Tomatoes game. I do encourage you to listen to that full episode on podcast on premium, because Michelle Beadle is also a fantastic guest. That'll do it for commercial classics before we get out of here. Want to once again remind you guys about Geico, because did you know that right now Geico is offering an extra 15 percent credit on car, motorcycle and my RV?
Can I get some for my RV? You could totally get some for your RV because RV policies are covered, too. That's 15 percent on top of the money. Geico could already save you. So what are you waiting for? Head over to Geico. There's never been a better time to switch. Save that extra 15 percent when you switch by October 7th. Visit Geico Dotcom to learn more. Krilov Classic returns tomorrow. Make sure to subscribe to the Khairallah classic Swede's you get that apps and every Sunday for that matter.
We'll see you there. My name's Chris Laksamana. That's Superfan Geovani Moult and get it on.