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Thanks for listening to the Adam Carolla Show on podcast one. Well, in the first half, we've uncovered a piece of my past that you guys have never heard before. Oh, yeah, I think you've heard them all, but not the California trinket fancy van. So take a deep dive into that story. Also, we'll do Tales from the Cheap first Saturday about Madison Reed. Mister. So Madison Reed makes great hair colourings for women and that's what they've been doing.
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Well, here we are on lockdown. How are you? It's fulker of the Paris Hilton podcast with Chris Booker. We get it. We know you're bored. We're still doing shows with keeping you up to date with everything. Entertainment, a little bit of relief from everything that's going on in the world. Could get the show on Spotify. You could get it on your Apple podcast or the podcast. One app, whatever you do, downloaded subscribe and get the feed, the Paris Hilton podcast with Chris Booker and everything that's entertainment will be covered.
From Khairullah One Studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla Show with Gina on News, Balde, Brian on sound effects, Dave Davies here for good sports. And we're taking your cheap scroll stories in another round of Tales from the Cheap. And now he's one hundred percent for vote by mail, meaning he doesn't think chicks should be allowed to vote. Adam Carolla, yeah, get it on. Got to get it on a general. Thanks for tuning in and thanks for sharing the love that about you, right, Vinograd.
Oh, that's right, involved Bryan Adams and Adams on the phone well, and he was supposed to join us today, but something happened, so we'll rebook her. So it's just the love the host have between them I had thought was so short and a lot of thoughts. Couple things. First, couple of thoughts about about Republican and Democrat conventions. Everyone else is missing. They like the energy of the room and the live stuff and the live audience.
And now it's all just coming at you via Zoom. But I'll tell you one thing I do not miss, and it was always the most uncomfortable part of the live version of the RNC or the DNC, which is at the very end. They would do the balloon drop. Yup, and during the balloon drop for an extended period of time. Folks that you knew had no interest in balloons falling on them touchers, like Hillary Clinton, she's over the balloon ride.
So then to look up with wonderment and amazing. Oh, my gosh, balloons. This thing I planned and paid for nine months ago to have any fun and yet to play a little a little Jonte keep it up with the balloon. Right.
It hit it to the running mate. They look at you and their wife would be out there. That's like a but it was it was the worst. It was like the greatest example of the 70 year old couple on the dance floor at a gay wedding. You know, he was like he's a Baptist minister and his little Jimmy's twenty six and getting married to a fellow. And he's probably a bottom. And it's like someone pushed him out there and went, we're filming with a video camera now.
Dance it up and look like you're having a good time. And both parties would have to have the oldest people in the world up there. And, you know, all they wanted to do is get backstage and either start screaming at each other or pop the cork on a scotch. Right. Right.
But for that last three minutes, we blew my promises. I'd be standing with my hands on my hips, just sort of looking at other people or wanting to leave, you know, but disapprovingly, it's so important that you stay out there. And again, if you've lived the life of Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, how impressed can you be by balloons? You know what I mean? You're you're you've been there and you've done that. You've traveled every nation.
You've eaten on the Sultan of Brunei yacht.
You know what I mean? Like what really? The balloon are you how? Two out of a thousand nuisances. Right. But it was always that and was always watching. It was always super uncomfortable because I know they all wanted to leave, but it's like, no, no, stay, stay and tap and celebrate and enjoy. Enjoy the balloon now that you put it that way.
Now I'm pissed there aren't balloons in a really freaky black mirror. No audience woo. Just one guy clapping to react the same way.
And the show delighted by balloon. I mean if you're over nine, you no longer delighted by balloon. But these guys in seventy one are delighted. But so we don't have to go through that charade. That's, that's good.
The other couple I saw I'm, I'm very I love Brawl as you know. I like the commercials, the infomercials for the spaghetti calendar that's built into the pot with the swimming, the swiveling bracket on it, because I love the B roll of her trying to get the pot, the spaghetti out of the pot. Frolander without dumping it all over the dog and scolding the dog and all over the kitchen. I love that. Oh I used to love, I've never used the shampoo pert plus the shampoo and conditioner but I still love the commercial because the commercials show the guy trying to navigate the shower with two bottles of shampoo and the I'm trying to get from the locker room into the shower.
Oh he breaks his hip. I'm not an octopus. Maybe I'll make two separate trips. Maybe I'll come in there. You know what I'll do. I'll, I'll, I'll come in there and I'll make one trip. I'll put the shampoo in there and then I'll come back to the lockers. I'll give a dollop of the condition. Oh no wait. I need the notion or dammit, now I'll leave and I'll buy. I'll buy a skip loader so I can get them out.
There are hand truck or something. So I love watching people struggle with things. And when I was watching the RNC, they had the couple who was struggling to pay their bills. That's the B roll. You never it never happens in real life. Lynnette and I have never sat at the same table while she was feverishly crunching numbers and shaking her head. And I was pulling out pieces of paper from an adding machine and go, we're not going to make it this month, you know what I mean?
Like a big pile of bills on the table. I paid bills and done that whole work. I've done the thing where I've probably done them with my girlfriend or wife.
I don't know if I but would never have we both been roommates. Yeah, but we both never sat at the table, like shaking our head with piles of urgent paper, you know, notice said black and white.
Oh. So that was funny.
I like, I like b roll of couples that can't make their bills. The other thing I had some thoughts about on another subject, but I was talking to Dr. Drew, who was in here earlier, which is a lot of chaos on the streets, a lot of folks running around, lots of glass breaking and cop cars being lit on fire.
And so we're at we have a catch 22. And the catch 22 is we would like to stop a lot of the rioting that's going on, but we really don't have a way to stop it because the.
People that are rioting have figured out that they're being filmed at all times and there's really nothing a cop can do to them, so the cops start going like we're driving in and then the rioters just go, no, you're not. And the cops are like, OK, I guess I won't ask, are they going to come? The cops, like, we're you can't do this. And there's like twenty three year old chicks, they're just like, get out of here, cop.
And they're like, OK, they don't know what to do. No one knows what to do. And I realize and they have the public sentiment on their side and there's really nothing the cops can do to break up all this stuff or to prevent it or stop it. But I've realized something that would work.
Something that I can end this rioting tonight. Oh, my God, you tell God said, all right, you're ready because I study humanity, humanity.
We're totally fucked up as a civilization now, because if there's some fucking retarded prick that's standing on top of a cop cars cruiser jumping up and down in the hood and the cop moves forward and the guy falls off, we're angry at the cops, but it's like, don't jump on the fucking hood of the car if you don't want to fall off the hood of the car. So we're all ass backwards and nothing's ever going to fix that. I understand it.
Here's what would fix it. Cops used to ride horses in these situations, they'd come in mounted on a horse. Now here's what we have to do. The cops have to get back on the horses.
Literally, the horse needs to come out. I'm not going to injure horse. I'm going to stage this. Some Antifa guy in a hoodie is going to take a Styrofoam Styrofoam brekke.
And he's going to throw we're going to film it, but we're going to we're going to do it kind of like a jungle style, but it's going to be professionally shot. We're going to shoot it and protect the if a guy is going to take the Styrofoam brekke and it's going to throw it at the cop, the cop is not, in fact, the cop. He's a stuntman. And if anyone's ever seen Blazing Saddles where Mongo punched a horse, the guy there's a movie you can do with a trained horse.
You just yank on it and you fall over. Right. Right. The the stuntman dressed like a cop, he goes out on the horse are actor and Tifa Jim throws the Styrofoam brick at the cop, hits the horse in the bridge of the nose. The stuntman does the yank. The horse falls down. Everybody in America is outraged. You're everyone. We're all against the right. We're putting or shutting this down tonight.
Yes, shut. Yes, you do. Splinter the movement for sure. You can hit as many cops as you want with bottles of urine. You can throw real Brexit copperheads. You can kick as many people in the face. You can do whatever you want. You fuck with a horse all. First off, every female in America will pull will pull the fucking plug on this that night. That'll be it. And most of the dudes are now wired like chicks will be dead set against it.
And then all you have to do is the next time they're any kind of uprising, horses show ups and then everyone will fucking scream at anyone who's throwing, you know, throwing any water bottles or kicking any smoke grenades back. And it'll be over, show up on the horse, get some good footage. Horse goes down, you watch you watch Blazing Saddles. You can't even tell. But the guy pulls the reins right at the right second. It looks like Mongo knocked out the horse.
That's just a train horse and a stuntman easily done all over CNN that night. Rioting, looting. It's over. There's no mass. That's it. You fuck with the horse. You can kill as many cops as you want. It doesn't really matter. You fuck with that horse, you will capture the hearts and the minds of America.
You're absolutely right. That's the famous one of the famous David Sedaris quotes from one of his books. He's talking about his sister and how she's wired like that. If you see a fiery car on the side of the road after a horrific accident, all she can say is, oh, God, I hope there wasn't a dog in that car right now. That's it. That's exactly it.
And I would argue that a horse even better than a dog. Yes, yes. Yes. So we do. Great idea, Max. Bad. You can probably find that that Blazing Saddles clip, but you have to you have to picture that again. We're not going to hurt the horse. That will be a qualified trainer and stuntman on top. Of course, you'll be dressed like whatever the cop municipality outfit is, he'll be there. We'll have the Antifa guy check the check the brick.
And I'm it'll be Styrofoam and we'll pull the move.
It'll be it'll it'll be perfect in. There shall be no more riots. But I was I was kind of thinking what happened to horses like cops used to kind of come up square in those areas on horses, even in riots and stuff. I don't know. Maybe maybe honestly, they're worried about the horses now, like, oh, yes, yes.
Tear gas, right.
Yeah. You can't protect horse from that. You can keep a horse on a lot of fire, give him the back line or whatever.
But once the gas gets going well, it got to be in the front line to be effective. You think so? And they will get hit with rocks and bottles and shit now. So see, even Gina made a face. All I had to do is say, what about the horses? What about the horses? Right.
And then, oh, well, we'll give the horse. We'll give the horse a oh, OK. All right. Now we got to build we got to build a beast story about the horse, the horse dog shit.
The horse has a learning disability. Oh no. The horse was a stutterer.
No, no. I got to work this out. Yeah. And we, we, we give them, we give and we give them a name. Something majestic, you know what I mean? What have we what what if what if we call them? Freedom Rider or something. This is something that's a little on the nose, justice will get justice.
I like Freedom Rider calls back to the civil rights era.
The oh, yeah, the horse was named Freedom Rider. The horse had a learning disability. Oh, by the way, obviously, Gina, we're not going to do this. But as far as the story goes, we had to put the horse down.
Oh, God. Oh, brain trauma had to put him down.
The horse is the offspring of immigrants from Arabian horses who came over to this country seeking a better life. First generation.
That's just too much. We have the Blazing Saddles of Arabian stallions. We have the we have.
Oh, and you know who gets behind this and who's outrage? Shatner, we you show. Sure. Yeah. Rip shit. He never stopped tweeting about how we have to we have to stop these riders. Now, here's the Blazing Saddles now again, just picture this antifa Portland night time guy dressed as cop on the horse. Here we go. Sorry.
OK, you can't park that animal over there. It's illegal. I don't need to see that again. It looked good, right? Yeah, absolutely.
I can't give you a good Yank, but you only only see it upon your fourth or fifth viewing.
Yeah, we could pull this off.
I know genius, I know guys from the equestrian world and I know guys from the stuntman world and I know men from the Antifa world, a way to remember the only thing that James Woods and Alyssa Milano ever publicly agreed on and worked together on was to get the horses out of the wildfire.
That's right. All they do is feud on the Internet, but they found common ground. And this is why this would unite America and shut down all this riding. I could do it tomorrow with the right horse.
All right. I was speaking of Alyssa Milano.
Somebody sent me a somebody I don't know. I don't even know how tweet. I don't know how Twitter works. But when I wake up in this, this tweet was you have that Twitter, by the way, and me made me laugh. I guess it was her saying Herschel Walker, who did his spiel. I didn't see I didn't see it. I try to record it and somehow didn't record. I saw bits and pieces of the Republican convention.
But it says Alyssa Milano says, as a sports fan, I'm so sad to see Herschel Walker say that Trump is a champion of social justice.
And then it's Mike Patrica, I think Kikka Patika, he says he replies, Imagine the disappointment of who's the boss?
Fans laugh I think things can be true.
All right. And we have a Alissa's kind of been in the news because she's been doing battle with Rose McGowan. Yeah.
Rose McGowan is not a fan of Alyssa Milano. Why not? What's her deal?
As far as I understand it, and this is the super abridged version that Rose is sort of outraged and disgusted by Alyssa Milano outwardly supporting Biden, who has his own checkered past with the ladies. That seems to be coming out allegedly and basically saying she's a hypocrite and she's a fraud and she's not really for, you know, women's movements. And remember, they were co-stars on that show. Charmed, right.
So they had they were Brian. Right. Now, Chris, I don't know if you have more than that, but I believe that's what started the feud.
Her sort of biting outward, supported by it, listen, you know, this notion like if you want Trump gone and you look at him as Hitlerian, then anyone who replaces him is a good thing and you have to support that. There's plenty of examples throughout history that have that have been this way. I don't this thing I don't know the thing where you become the number one fan of somebody that you probably didn't like that much. I mean, Alyssa Milano probably like Bernie Sanders, but.
It's a pretty simple it's a pretty simple equation, it's sort of back to the stollen World War two example that a lot of people use, like Stalin, by all accounts, was a horrible tyrant who killed millions of people. But at the time, he was trying to kill Nazis.
So we we allied with him. And does anyone not understand that part of life? Well, and when's the last election where you don't hear people say, hey, it's the lesser of two evils? I mean, we say that every four years.
Yeah, I mean, the choice is Biden or Trump. I would imagine that Rose McGowan would rather have Biden than Trump. So why are you trying to destroy someone who's a Biden fan?
Well, it's getting personal now because I just all I put in with their names, and that's not the headline today.
The headline is Rose McGowan accuses Alyssa Milano of making charms that toxic A.F.. So now it's getting personal now. Now it's going back to the charm days. And who was worse on the set?
First of all, anybody ever been in a sweatshop and worked in a coal mine? Like how toxic can a place with air conditioning and free food be like, OK, so come out of her trailer.
I think we'll all get through the day. Speaking of toxic work environments, there's actual toxic work environments like Steve McQueen, Larry Plant.
Steve McQueen died of lung cancer when he was forty nine and a half because he worked in asbestos filled ship holes. You know, like I mean, there was a lot of exposed to noxious gases. And his past, like we used to, really literally had toxic work environments.
Yeah, yeah. People worked in factories. People got black lung from working in mines and were locked in sweatshops and stuff from the advertising you for like Sue for mystifyingly Elmau.
So it's all I see by the way. The pubic mesh. Yeah. Maybe I got to start, I got to start watching some MTV or something because I feel like I watch TV and the commercials are either you're suing for mesothelioma or this bathtub's got a door on it.
Like maybe I got to switch my Demoustier left geriatric TV.
Yes, but I'm, but I'm watching CNN and Fox and they both have the same old person stuff on there, which is curious to me, like, is that their demo Fox? I kind of seems like it, but I was curious that CNN I've been watching a lot of CNN and they've got a lot of, like, old person stuff on there, too.
I think all the news channels skew older. I'm not sure about MSNBC, but like I thought, all those channels just skewed older generally.
Yeah, I guess I guess the kids are all just getting it all from their phone. Nobody's nobody's watching. They're not even watching TV.
Hey, speaking of that, whatever happened to Art Linkletter's Craft Mattick adjustable bed? I miss that bed. Is that gone? You know what I miss about all those beds?
Back to B roll and back to our infomercial is first off, my mom's mattress was on the floor. So it was always weird to me that these people way up off the ground, but it was always the wife was always asleep and happy asleep. The husband was tilted up, presumably watching Johnny Carson and sort of smiling and laughing while the wife slept next to him. So that would always work it that way. Which is the thing that's kind of funny is in the craft Mannick adjustable bed that you would split them.
So one would sit up. Yeah, always the guy watching watching The Late Night Show, probably, probably Carson and the wife was always happily sawing logs next to him. But if you really think about it. In terms of you watching TV in your bed while your spouse is trying to sleep, it's not the position of the mattress that's the issue, it's the sound in the light. Right. So they covered the one base that no one would care about.
Meaning if you got rid of the light that the TV created and the sound that the TV created, then your spouse wouldn't mind if you propped up on pillows or leaned forward or whatever. It is so close they kind of screwed the pooch because the wife is sleeping away. But the TV is sound is coming through and the TV light is coming through. She just is laying flat. And why do you have to sit up to watch TV in bed anyway?
That's what a pillow is for anyway. I cry phony on the craft Madoc adjustable bed.
Well, you know what they call those pillows with the arms on the side. No, we all have from you know, what they're called forgot about those. Those are called husband pillows.
Is that not the saddest thing you've ever heard in your life? I remember those everyone was at someone else's house, but that weird pillow with the weird arms, the arms, arms that stuck out. Yeah.
I have an unprepared clip for you then.
Oh, that's what it was. Alyssa Milano one. Where's this from. This is this is in Dallas. In Dallas. Oh, we didn't have the ping pong balls because of the social distancing.
Yeah. So you kind of just call people to yell out stuff. And this wasn't necessarily a word, but it is a suggestion in a way. Here we go. Ah, you got one.
Yes. Get the hottest actress in Hollywood. The hottest is like one three if I got one free fuck.
Hmm. Well, let's see, I, I think I'd like to bang Alyssa Milano.
Yes. And I would and I would I would pay, I would pay, I wouldn't I don't need a free fuck. I don't need your charity. I got an ashtray in my car. I can pay. That's not all change or some bills in there I can pay.
I like to bang Alyssa Milano for a few reasons. She's hot. No.
One, I definitely grew up watching on a sitcom or wouldn't have been OK to think this way. And most importantly, and include my wife on this group, I know she'd be miserable.
That's a turnoff. So I got to go with Alyssa Milano. Back me up on that. Yes. Thank you. Good choice. It's important. Precious. Glad that was that. Be nice. That's cut up and put out of context up on the Internet. That that's it. That's that's what we're hoping for.
The aforementioned Alyssa Milano, how can she be happy? Can her husband be happy like a ship full? Well, what I'm saying is, is, well, I'm being serious. What would you guys do? What would everyone do if your significant other spent a significant amount of time like doing battle with people on the Internet? Oh, God, would you get involved? I mean, because got to be up late, they got to be, you know, feverishly banging things into their phone, it's a big draw being distracted versus being not just not being present.
Yeah, that's one thing. But also, I have to imagine that affects their mood.
You don't I mean, they can't they can't be enjoying life and hold on a blast, this troll, right?
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. What I was thinking is it's not just maybe he likes the time where she is in the office, you know, taking that time.
But when she comes out, she's not happy. She's pissed and outraged and recounting every back and forth to him. So, yeah, that's that's no way to live.
Are you allowed to, like, go, hey, man, it's just, you know, life short. You know, we got our health. We have our money.
Oh, no, you're me too. Why don't you just get behind all the trolls?
Can we just reel it in like, hey, Herschel Walker has different thoughts than you do about President Trump. Is that OK? Like, can I just have that thought or do we have to shoot him a tweet and hashtag him and tell him how disappointed we are and how we used to be fans?
Or can people just have different thoughts that think about it when I'm sleeping on the couch for the next three nights?
Hey, babe, I'm Melissa, Elena's husband. Yeah, first off, help me on with one of my twenty six bracelets. There's one with the hands. I can't quite sure. Thank you.
OK, most just wear the huge wooden bead ones that act like like if I was drowning my arm wouldn't go down with me, my hand would be a bottle of water. That's how they fish me out. But anyway, I like this, I like the fucking flotation device, wooden bracelet, round things that all the pussies are wearing all over the place now. But I not sure.
Sidebar, hon. Hon.
You know how when we go remember we used to go out and eat Italian food. Yeah, I do.
And what about it. We both love spaghetti. Yeah. We stop when we stop go to that one restaurant because it was toxic A.F. the other one was good.
And you liked meatballs with your spaghetti. Oh I love somebody. That's how Tony taught me to eat spaghetti.
Yeah. Oh Tony Danza. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah I heard from in a while anyway. And then I always order the sausage. Right. Yeah you did. OK now always Mr. Sausage does.
That's a difference there. But it doesn't make one of us bad or good. It's just a little difference there. Right.
Well, I think that that's up for debate. I mean, I said I know why you order the sausage, Dave. I know you order it because you're trying to make a point, a dog whistle, if you will, that this is a sausage party and I'm not invited.
Well, it's the great Dr. Freud once said sometimes the sausage is just a sausage.
He would say that that is absolutely something. Mr Cigar is just a cigar would say, oh, yes, openly.
I conveniently swapped out the cigar with the sausage. I didn't think you got your answer promised you would make.
Anymore. I thought that whole onset Tudor thing was a bunch of bullshit. I didn't know he actually had an education. Anyway, I want to marry you. But OK, let's let's not digress. The point is this. We have a difference of opinion. You like meatballs? I like sausage there folks on the Internet who have a disagreement. They like this and you like that. That doesn't make them bad. You don't have to call them out.
You can just enjoy your spaghetti and meatballs.
What about a life where everyone just enjoys their spaghetti and meatballs as long as you don't forget who orders the meatballs in this relationship?
Well, I bring home the bacon, but I.
Where are the meatballs, mister? What have you took two meatballs and put the sausage in between them. We'd have a perfect relationship, you know. Let me get my belt out and let's go into the bedroom. And I like where this has had to be going ahead, I have a I have somebody sent over in the theme of guys we miss. I just thought we did that yesterday. And some some people, Chris, people tweeted some of these over and Chris kind of compile them.
And I was looking down on them. And when I saw again, I don't know, there's something subtle about guys we missed and everything. Maybe everything's just some sort of super 70s countdown or something. But this guy this guy I'm going to explain to you is a big part of my childhood, or at least visually a big part of my childhood. And I have not seen this guy in at least 30 years. This is from Dirk H. Lee guy who rides the ten speed bicycle with the handlebars turned over where they pull him around and the back of the car of the wave.
Yeah, they do the 180 that well, that's the guy who liked to ride with the cigarette in his mouth. Like that's the guy who rode with jeans in a shirt off, like the cool. He was like a laid back guy. You didn't have to lean forward, guy. You'd take those handlebars, you'd loosen up that gooseneck, you just pull them around 180. And that dude, that those days are long gone.
I was going to say that was a bygone era. Yeah. Because now we're in full. You know, they're in all the outfits with the clip on pedals and all that, all that kind of stuff. Yeah.
There's an old veteran guy sitting on porch with Couleur who waves at everyone.
Yeah, I miss this guy. He waves. I miss even couple that would wave. Yeah. Just remember it was, you know, before air conditioning when it was hot, he had to go sit on the porch.
Yeah. And the fans would sit there and then when you're sitting on the porch, if someone walk might have to wave to him.
Of course. Yeah. It's part of their contract bonus points if he offered you a cold one.
Hmm. Guy, this is an interesting 70s bygone era.
One to guy who owned a limo or some kind of truck like a fire truck or some novel vehicle, like an ambulance or something, but didn't have a regular street car, just pre Camry and Honda Accord, like just funky guy.
Like there was one guy in my neighborhood, probably two guys who had the custom van with there was a custom van guy. There's also a guy, Max, iPad is going to have to look for this. There was a guy in the family four million years, I think was a black guy, he had a van that was covered in trinkets. It was covered in like brass stuff like I don't even know what we call it. He was in the neighborhood, I don't know, North Hollywood custom van, trinket van or brass van will be one of his greatest feats if you look.
He'll find it. I bet he's going to find it. This guy would just drive around North Hollywood. One big tetanus shot waiting to happen, the south side.
He said, I have this can openers and watches and just not a black guy. Yeah.
Oh, there it is. What the hell are we looking at a guy from.
I don't know the look. I'm going to guess the Greek islands.
Yeah, that's serious fury road action that the thing about the van that's covered with all the bits and pieces and all the stuff, it's like you hit one speed bump and everyone behind behind you gets a flat tires that seem fair to the rest of the road going. People like you've got shit all over your van, you know that it's going to shimmy loose and fall go through someone's windshield.
Yeah. This guy I don't know this guy I'm talking about the little brassiere that wasn't there.
That wasn't it. Now, I think there's multiple guys, but what was that guy called.
That's called the California Fantasy Van Gundy.
He that's the dream. Hey, question for the car guy. If you're fixing all of those things to your van, I assume you're doing it. I assume your piercing holes in the exterior of the van, one of was sort of rains.
Yeah, well, like wouldn't it wouldn't be a significant amount of water get in. Yeah. But that's like saying to Liberace, who had candelabras on the front of his Duesenberg, what happens to Liberace when it's raining and you got an early morning and.
Oh that's all man.
I love this dude brassiere than that now. I don't think so. This guy from the San Fernando Valley. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. So we're looking at it, dude.
He's got a big old mustache. He's got he's got the tattoo I miss, which is the top of the forearm tattoo which said like sailors at Navy Navy tattoo. Yeah. He's got the shaved body and he looks like he's been working out. He's in a banana hammock.
You can in mismatched couple, he has his arm around a woman who does not share his taste esthetically for tanning or for working.
I have no idea this human being is. But I, I know there was a guy hostage. There was a guy who had this shit all over his van. And I'd see him all over North Hollywood all the time, like at the very bottom corner of the bumper.
There's a big giant gold plated thing that says, Dad, that was obviously Father's Day gift.
What if this shit could you imagine any menorahs?
Can you imagine like and this is one big puncture wound waiting to happen. Like, could you imagine, like, what happened to little Bobby? He was seven and so full of life he was hit by a van. Oh, was a van speeding. No, it was going one mile an hour backing up.
Dad, this guy's at Burbank. He's in Burbank, right? Yeah. OK, yeah.
So he's in Burbank, San Fernando Valley. He used them. He used to make his way. I'd see him in North Hollywood all the time. And I saw this dude running around in this crazy.
Fan, how would you know if you'd been vandalized, if it had been cleaned up? Oh, that's a good name for your band. Yeah, sorry evangelizer. It is a van.
Can you describe that van to the people that are listening?
No, it appears to be a standard van with an insane. I'm trying to avoid hyperbole. That is, it is everywhere. There is not glass or tire. It is covered, it looks like in some places a foot and a half deep with. Yeah.
Coffee cans and emblems and fucking it's it's it's covered. I mean there has to be thousands and thousands and thousands of trinkets.
The stuff dangling from the foot from the foot rests on the floor. Yeah.
What do you guys where are you guys with the no accomplishment accomplishment thing which is you know, we're just talk about the guy who had everyone, every every character in The Simpsons tattooed on his back. Like, where are you with the accomplishments that we could all do if we were clinically insane or had an extra hundred and eighty five dollars lying around, you know what I mean?
Yeah. Versus Proudman trophy. We have the obit. He died, Ernie.
God bless him. His name is Ernie. He will. Ernie, first off, anyone named Ernie shall be missed. I, I put a tweet out the other day. I meant it. We now officially have more adult males in the United States who wear bracelets then who each do. And that's a very bad sign for this country. So this guy, Ernie, died in nineteen ninety eight. You have the obit? Yeah.
By the way, my middle name is Ernie. Oh, I forgot his name. I do bracelets and I wear bracelets and aids. Do you define the Ernie roles?
You're the great unifier. Ernie was a vacuum cleaner repairman who opened the you owned the Dris Vacuum store in Burbank. He created the California fantasy than the 1975 GMC van that Ernie spent years embellishing with brass ornaments and coins of every possible kind.
Many people who spent time in Burbank either saw the brass van driving around with Ernie behind the wheel or let me says you don't have to spend time in Burbank.
You could be landing in the Burbank Airport and fucking CBS that.
Sorry. Or saw it parked on the street. The van can be seen in the opening credits of Steve Martin movie L.A. Story.
No, I do not remember that. After watching that, after Ernie's death, the van ended up in the collection of auto enthusiast hunter man who often displays it at the Art Car Museum in Douglas, Arizona.
Hunter Man was my gay porn name for several years. MAN And what year?
He died in 98. So that van must have been going strong in the 70s because I remember that van when I was a kid. And, you know, when you're a kid, it's like pretty cool. So I lived in North Hollywood, Burbank, basically the next city over. And that was good entertainment for you guys straight into into the North Hollywood area.
Did you really think there was a competing van that looked exactly like that one? Now, the first van he showed me, the first picture he showed me was a slightly different version of his van. His van had more brass on it. Initially, I saw it as sort of a bratten up. Last time I saw it, I was on it. I was on a stingray and I was 11, you know, so it's just in my mind's head.
But the first picture seemed different than the second picture, the picture where he was in his Speedos and hanging out. That seemed more like a Sivas brasier. Yeah.
Look at the Eiffel Tower. He's got belt buckles, a lot of spurs.
Is this too interesting for Hillhouse to cover?
Oh, yeah. That seems too interesting for Whewell to cover this.
Now, we can also we call this segment The Brass Man Cometh or how pissed this is. Wife, what do you guys want to do?
I didn't want a title this thing because I like Brozman self-titled.
Well, I don't say this enough, but it takes all kinds, doesn't it, people?
I don't say this enough. How have you never mentioned this before? That is bizarre and fascinating.
I, I remember as a youth there was a van called the Love Tron, which I brought up a few times. It was just a custom van that said Love Tron on in in rainbow tape on the side, my favorite transformer.
I also remember there was like a kind of a purple wheeling, like kind of gasser kind of drag's or van that was in the neighborhood. Those two were in like North Hollywood proper. Those guys circumnavigated north of it a lot. Like you knew who those dudes were, the brass van. I just. Well, first off, it doesn't work for van comedy, you know? I mean, because Van Comedy is like custom Van picked up the check and the custom van waterbed in the custom van.
Any Van Aske comedy I had done in the past, the brass van doesn't really work. That's an explanation. And that's really less about the van and more about the kooky guy driving it. And I just.
Wow, there's a on. That's fucking Fury Road, man, that van, that picture looks like it's taken on the street right behind us, doesn't it, Max? Right in front of us.
Does it look at what are houses and cars behind it?
Got the custom VW and the God knows Nissan Sentra with this present car on it, whatever, but it must be inside of that van.
Smell like Ge'ez victory. I'm going to go Coconut and Ge'ez because I think that guy did a lot of tanning in a lot of coming days.
Everyone wondering you you'll be my be my test case this does everyone have a version of that works like, oh, that guy came driving through the neighborhood again? I thought, well, you know who I'm talking about, the guy from childhood or.
Yes, some point in your life.
The reason I ask because when I was at USC, living in the fraternity house on fraternity row there on twenty Eighth Street, we had jazz guy, jazz guy drove like an old like I would say something like a gremlin or a pacer, a small, compact, crappy old car. But he invested all of his money in speakers. There were like P.A. speakers. You drive down the road about 14 miles an hour blasting jazz and he came by once every three weeks.
And we're like jazz guy. I don't know anyone who was on a journey in the late 90s at USC knows what I'm talking about. Please tweet and verify the information. Well, the closest I can come up with is also in college, also custom speakers outside of their car. But it was the Phelps family telling us we were all going to burn in hell.
Oh, you had the Phelps family? Yeah, because we all friends and they were in Topeka. They were twenty minutes away. So they loved going to k you know, all the little band camp kids who like that are eight years old, that they're all going to going to go to hell because there's a Jew over in that ten or twenty minutes away.
That's right next to them. I don't know though. Still better than Trinket Van Guy. I did feel. That's amazing. Yeah.
And also with the cops let you drive around in that these days. Yeah.
That's not road worthy. Not only that, but those were uncovered. Yeah. But if just any part first off, they got a lot of rules about what you could do to a pedestrian if you hit them in your car. I mean, God's honest they do. All right. Let me hit simply safe. Be simply safe guy. That's what I want to say. Most some security companies trappy with high prices, tricky contracts and lousy customer support.
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All right, let's take a quick break. We'll come back with the back to school. Everyone think of the cheap back to school. Stories are cheap. Tales from the cheap back to school version. Edition right after this. Just one to five dollars, you get one and his favorite stuff all brought up from HPF every single month, you get the drink you choose. It's hard to be cool stuff, and I don't want to bring. You heard Dick, it's time for another Bowlsby month of Adam's monthly, not this month includes two Veny Tartaric approved and invented ultra fat instant energy packs.
So you don't reach for that doughnut for shot glass ice molds so you can keep your whiskey cold and straight down the hatch, a bottle of Chateau SPIL to remove wine stains or blood from the fine silk. Daunting, of course, a bottle of your choice and the cue to grow a digital download. The very first basic cable commentary roadhouse. The 60 dollar value can be yours for only 25 bucks at Khairallah drinks dotcom.
And now Al Gore presents definitely not a. Dateline, Santa Clarita, California, a twenty six year old man was charged with battery after attacking his mother, which she hid his stash. Definitely not up to. Nice job, Mr. Ernie. All right, here we go.
Twenty year old Tupperware, homemade clothes, powdered eggs, it's time for Tales from the Cheese Brought to you by Tommy John.
All right, let's see. Let's talk to Mike 38, Virginia Mike. This man, how are you doing? Good man, you have a van related tales from the chief story. Yeah, so I was actually playing a little JUCO basketball down in Orange County there, and we got done with the season. We actually made it pretty far into the playoffs. So we got done in March and it's kind of grueling doing college and playing a sport and a buddy of mine.
We had a little time off. I think it was like spring break. You wanted to take his girlfriend to Yosemite Mammoth and Tahoe, do a little road trip, do some camping. Nice. And so his his dad had a custom conversion van and it was that guy remember that bus guy with the black shirt and the pleated slag?
That guy I think his name is Tony Võ. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we all had been from that guy. We're on a theme. And the theme the reason we're on a theme is we're talking about the infomercials. And one of my favorite infomercials was Tony V. He looked like Peter North, the porn star, but even more yoked, OK, and Tony V, Tony V would like get this like the spokes check with him on the commercial. Right.
And he'd have like a Cadillac Escalade parked there and he'd go, hey, Sarah, why don't you climb into the back of the escalator? She's like, Tony, you know, I have a bad back. How am I going to make it into the like, open the door and she got a duck. I can't get my head that low. Now, you'd be more comfortable on one of our custom vans and make sure getting in the cosmetic oh, she'd be like, oh, now this is living, you know, like is if anyone Oprah travels around when Oprah goes to the airport, she goes in a Cadillac Escalade, rides it.
It's too tough on your power to say, oh, this is this is like the Donner Pass. Oh, that's over. Locks right there.
Yeah. Tony B, yeah. Tony B, if we could find any of his commercials, I would go over the top. So, yeah. So Tony was selling custom. I'm telling you that Dexter from the Offspring pulls up here in Tony Beas van each time he's living large. Sorry, keep going, Mike. We'll see if we can find that commercial.
Yeah. So this is my buddy's dad's van was like his pride and joy. That was like his prized possession. So my buddy, he didn't have his own vehicle. So he asked his dad to borrow that van for that road trip. And the dad came back to him with a contract that he had to sign and it was for wear and tear per mile. It wasn't like, oh, you got to pay for gas or whatever. He figured out, I think it was like 17 cents a mile that he had to pay for wear and tear to the van.
Well, that was in the modern era, too, like I mean, that was 18 years ago, right?
Yeah, yeah. 2000 and 2001. And and I remember he came I saw him on campus, you know, and he was telling me that he was going to have to pay a couple hundred bucks for the way it's fair. He he's still you still win.
I think it's cheaper than a rental. Is it strictly a financial thing or is it a technological thing? When I was like, oh, no, I don't mean him.
I mean, like when I was younger, lots of talk about cars and you can borrow it, but you got to pay for it or you got to put gas in it. Like everyone's really uptight about the car lighting. So when you beg someone, let me just borrow your car to go out on a date, like, I don't know who was a really big deal.
And like, people just routinely move other people's cars or borrow their cars, like like it would be it was a big deal if somebody grabbed your keys and went, I'll move your car like you're not moving my car. Like there was a thing, you know, now nobody cares, which is funny because the cars are nicer.
I know. Like, they care more.
It's like my kids are 14 and they're not even talking about driving or getting their learner's permit. Like when my nephew was 17 or 18, he didn't have his driver's license.
He didn't care like become kind of a non issue, all the energy around cars or fast cars or cool cars or borrowing your car or signing a rider that says what you can do in the car and stuff like I remember just a lot of like, you know, I drove a truck. People wanted to borrow my truck to move. But the truck I needed my truck to get to work. And I was like a lot of discussion and it's no big whoop anymore.
Like if the other night I was walking up the driveway and Olga and an Italian were heading and they were heading out, they were going for a drive like Italian just wants to go for a drive. She wants to go to Hollywood and go for a drive. And it's like Olga was driving Lynnette's Tesla. And it's not like there was an argument or discussion about her, anything she probably didn't even ask. She probably just got in Tesla, took the Italian, the Tesla, like it wasn't even nobody cared.
I didn't care why. I guess what I'm saying is, why did everyone care so much about everything when we're younger? Why was everything up a big deal?
Or is it because by far that was our nicest item and it wasn't even close. I that was the only thing we really had.
I will I'll I'll just kind of frame it this way when I was a kid, if you want to someone's when your friends houses and their parents were home, would you walk into the house, walk into the kitchen, open the refrigerator and sort of help yourself to whatever might be in there?
Not not at my best friend's house where we are basically raised as sisters.
I would not do that. They told me that herself. I know lots of questions.
In fact, when they would say, go get it, I'd be like, I can't remember where it is because I didn't want to go through the motions of opening their refrigerator.
Right. That kind of stuff's pretty routine in today's America. Like kids come in, hang out, like hop up on the counter, just be eating chips out of the bag like all the shit we would have never done. We have Tony B, we have the commercial ready. Max Panner. Hold on, Mike. You ready for Tony B's commercial?
Oh hell yeah. It's been a while. Yeah, it's been a while. Now, let's join once again Lateesha Box and Tony B. This is it. This is the time we have all been waiting. Right. But the Reverend Peter Nawfal, about your your theory. OK, OK, you win step backwards. When you look at the beautiful, unperfect and chrome wheels that we've added to the Vancouver beautiful, close to family lines of the high top for these not only grand round effects, they're also integrated running boards.
Time make it easier for you to enter and egress from this Vancouver to this Vancouver. Let's start from the front. First of all, the driver's seat, not only a six weight loss as a vibration system, heating system as a power Lombards as I'm sure it all works perfectly.
Six years into the late 70s, MFM stereo cassette player in the dash for Infinity Sound and a CD player on the side. So you have to see these players in this VANKA version. Take a look at the wooden here. Hydrofoil highly polished wood while inlay in Hooterville throughout the whole interior of the van conversion. Also take a look at the fact that we have a nine inch TV set. Wow. Plus two TV sets over the carpet in the back.
Now, why do we have three TV sets? Well, not only better than a player, but we have three gameboard, our Alea individual passengers.
That would be the best part of mine. That would have been that would have saved me from a bad childhood if we had Mudhoney B van conversion, the one where he's asking the chick to get in a Cadillac Escalade. That's that's the one I like. She's like protest because, you know, she's all of five, six and a half. So, you know, and she's probably 123 pounds. So there's no way she could navigate the backseat of a if she she probably have to have a spinal fusion or something.
She attempted to get in the backseat of that escalate. All right. Let's see. Thanks, Mike. I appreciate it. Or give you out, Mike. We're going to give you some Tommy Johns, by the way. Awesome, appreciate again, enjoy. It's good, very good, especially during this weather. Let's do one more see Tracy, 31, Pasadena, home of Dr. Drew.
Yes, Dr. Drew is actually a friend of mine, if you can believe that he said he didn't care for you. I spoke to him earlier today.
No way did. Yeah. Anyway, I've been on hold now for 15 minutes, but it's totally fine. I'm a huge fan, Adam. Actually, I was just kind of keeping notes that he has been talking about. And I've got a great cheap story for you. At one point, did you say switching cigars with sausages? Yes, I did.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I dropped cigars and sausages, right?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's right. And you guys were also talking about animal movies earlier.
Well, we're talking about punching horses and we're talking about the movie Blazing Saddles, where they punched out a horse.
All right. Well, I remember when I was going back to school, I was pretty young and I came from a low income households, sadly. So I was pretty unhappy about going back to school. My mom was going to buy me the earbud. DVD is about 2001. But instead, she walked back and she had this DVD in her hand, the peanut butter trick, and it stirred you and. That's funny.
All right. See, I told you I Drew didn't like this joker this way.
Did this guy make this joke on the show before?
I'm just making that he's trying to he's submitted it for made a movie a few times and I said no. So I finally found out.
Yeah. Found his way in.
All right. If you got Tony, you're not getting any Tommy John, by the way.
Bob, Mr.. So how do you like them apples? And do you have Tony B in his can't fit into the escalated version of we're scrubbing through it, ok. Oh yeah. These were like 20 minute long weekend commercials. I miss that too. I miss watching the extended dance version.
You know which ones I always liked when we would be like Sunday and be eating breakfast with the TV on in the kitchen. It would be the like the homeowners, like the realtor channel and they walk you through all the homes in Johnson County, Kansas.
Oh, they have like. Yeah, it was that not like a normal thing. You it's like a piece of walk through of all the houses that they're selling like for Remax or whatever.
Now we have like those the commercials I've always thought about is we had all those commercials about it's funny, all the daytime, all the daytime commercials were getting a job, driving a truck or learning to work in a doctor's world, like getting a job, getting some kind of training, getting a job. And the other commercial I always forget about that they would show during the day, during the week as the Qik Center quit smoking shift center.
So they basically said our audience is hanging around unemployed and smoking like they're smoking cigarettes they can't afford. So if you're going to hang out on a Wednesday and watch local TV, you're going to learn to drive a truck and quit smoking. But those are the that's those are the daytime TV commercials I used to run. Then they would run commercials for, you know, the exciting ones were the Super Bowl of motocross at the Coliseum. That was exciting. And then the Pamona Drag Drag Race commercials, they have all that motorcycle.
You know, Southern California used to have a lot of motor sports. Riverside Raceway was a big deal. It's a big racetrack. It was a big stop. You know, Newman would race there every year. They'd have that. They'd have the Toyota Times Grand Prix like a six hour race. Ralph Stumblin famously the guy who drove the 935 with Newman at Lamar. He died at Riverside, like in eighty 82 like that, a big riverside. They had a great show, Speedway that year.
They had Lyon Speedway. There's a lot of land and a lot, you know, hot riding started in Sokal. So they had lots of drag strips and ovals and dirt tracks and road courses and they had all that shit. It's all kind of gone away. But when I was a kid, they would run commercials for flat track racers and all kinds of all kinds of stuff is one more place. I wasn't going, but it was still cool.
I did miss I look forward to probably the K-Tel music ones. Yeah. Where they talk about Smokey Robinson, Nat King Cole and and just play the Hawks all these great songs.
Right. And that was super enjoyable to me. They'd have the God, they'd have the compilation ones, which was also the one hit wonder from the 70s. But then they'd have again the Smokey Robinson or Nat King Cole or maybe Patsy Cline. Patsy Cline. And probably got Johnny Mathis like like that kind of that kind of stuff about a Louisiana girl. Yeah, and then the best then they had all the Ranko stuff. Pocket fisherman.
Yeah, we're dehydrator brown hair. Top coverage was spray hair. I wish I was Irish's. Remember the top coverage because that won't come off on upholstery and I'd like a laugh. I like myself would be so funny if you were, you know, going over to someone's house for dinner and you left a big black skid mark on their pillows.
You coming to America? Yeah. So glow. Right.
And they had. What was that? Oh, now they used to have a lot of like arts and crafts ones. Like once there was a glass cut or one where you could take bottles. The whole point of the 70s was we can make something else out of what the intended purpose of that thing was for initially. Like, you think that bottle was just a Seven-Up bottle, make tumblers out of it, like just cut the top off, sand the lip, and now you have a bunch of glasses.
Now you could buy glasses, but somehow none of that had to make them.
When you're cutting glass and you didn't just have to make them, you had to go to Burger King and McDonald's and get all the glass tumblers and collect them all.
Oh, yeah, you could you could fill up and get the whole set of the Rams ones or whatever, whatever the show you're watching was. All right. We have an outro. Sorry, there. Tossin. More tales from the cheat day presented by Tommy John.
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Oh. Doing a very nostalgic show today.
You know speaking of nostalgia, can I just give a quick shout out with his tales from the cheap. I was racking my brain and racking my brain specifically about school stuff, and I got to hand it to my mother. It didn't matter if it was. We were not well off by any stretch of the imagination at that point.
My parents were divorced and everything. But when it came to singing lessons, dancing lessons, costumes for recitals, fees for community theater, all this stuff, it was given happily. She loved that. I was so interested in it. She did what she had to do and scrape together what whatever to make sure I always got to do all my extracurricular activities. And I'm very grateful for that. Yeah.
Gina's mom, I remember once when I was one of those terrorized or ashamed or whatever I was as I one of the years I was playing Pop Warner football, they must have charged fifteen or twenty bucks for the season. And my mom said, go in there and ask for a scholarship.
Like if you're a poor family. Sure. It's sort of like what they had with, like the telephone bill or something, like we would qualify for the poor person, telephone bell or the poor person electrical bill or knock off whatever percent.
And I remember being. So it's kind of interesting. I was probably nine or ten and I was so humiliated like like I was like, oh, I can't I don't want to do that.
And it's like, just go in there and tell them, you know, we don't have money. And you would qualify for what they were euphemistically calling like a scholarship. Like I got a free ride to the North Hollywood Trojans. Mom, I'm so proud of me. And and I was like I was like, I don't know why it gripped me as it wasn't it was humiliating. Like, I wasn't really terrified. It was just dread. Like, just go ask him.
Just go tell him we don't have the money. And I was like because I knew the money was nominal, like I knew it was twenty bucks and I knew we're just trying to get out of paying twenty bucks and by the way have about bang for your buck like the twenty bucks. Got you. You know, ten Saturdays of football rides back and forth with Duke Gallagher in the station wagon, you know. Forty five practices throughout the course of the year, like literally like four cents an hour for this, for this.
Twenty bucks of supervision and discipline and all this kind of stuff. It is like, oh God, I don't think I ever did. I just I wouldn't do it. I remember just being. Would you guys be supremely humiliated or not?
Oh, like you wouldn't have to ask the nine year old to ask for a scholarship. That's absurd. Well, that's what I was going to say. At the very least, she needs to haul herself in there and deal with it, but don't make you do it.
Well, now we're dealing with another situation because my mom was so weirdly embarrassing my whole life that I didn't want my mom having contact with the normal people.
Well, now you're in a pickle. Yeah, either.
And I was like, yeah, boy. I remember one time I got a concussion. I got knocked out in a game and and they they dropped me off in my front of my house. And I think the coach was like, why? I he got knocked out. So I don't know if, you know, you might want to keep an eye on him. And my mom just sort of broke down and they're like hysterical kind of heap like but not enough, not in a good way.
Like know, we're like, I don't want to play football. Why is it that I'm going like, oh fuck, I wish I was knocked out. But for this for the soprano.
Oh yes. Yes. Tales from the cheap.
All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll come back and do the news right after this.