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Do you call him daddy? Do I call her daddy, call her daddy. What's up, guys?
It's Alexander Cooper back at it again for another episode of Call Her Daddy and Arnold. Arnold, how are you today? George, how are you today? Bruce. Bruce, how are you doing today, buddy?
Well, I thought I would be better by this point, but I'm not in worse. I promise next week we will be better. So just bear with me one more time.
So I think sometimes I'd call her daddy like I want to come in here and I want to talk about sucking Dick. But I am watching Gossip Girl and it's all that's on my mind right now.
And I want to just like quickly ask you a few questions. I'm really sorry. Any of the men listening know I watch Gossip Girl to fall asleep at night and tell me I can't recite every single line. It's like I wish there was like a cooler show, you could say. But you're like when Serena was standing on the steps and she was running away when Blair was at the helipad and Chuck didn't show up and she went there for fuck the guy in the house, I just saw that up was such a good one.
So I wanted to ask you, what character do you resonate with? Because I feel like a lot of people always write in and they're like, oh, you guys remind me of Serena and Blair like friendship goals kind of vibe. But I just wanted to know, like, who do you resonate with? Like, are you a Blair? No, absolutely not. I would almost say Serena. I was going to say that more to drugs or alcohol.
No getting out of the game. Like, yeah, I didn't disappear having, like, you and your mom and like that.
You sound like I am fucking. Well, that's kind of like what your life story has. I haven't disappeared. I oh, you a Brooklyn Tea Party last year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was for a night. Oh well yeah. But like kind of are more like and the way she is kind of with men a little bit. Oh yeah. Just like kind of like some daddy issues that's. So where is Serena's dad.
He's like gone and then he comes back sooner or later and episodes. I kind of agree with you. I think that I'm not like Blair, but I do think the side of Blair where the she's like so scheming all the time, I feel like that's like, oh my God. Yeah. It's kind of like how like MILF Hunter and I would come up with, like, actual whiteboard plans of how to like write like do things with my life also.
You're like confidence level. Oh thanks. No it's OK. Oh thank you. You're very like self-assured. Oh thank you.
I feel like I'm kind of like yeah. I don't know if I'm hot. Take a picture like you like pretend to not know and then you're like my tits are. I'll take it. OK, let's talk about the men really quickly. Of all the I would fuck Chuck towards side where we're in and around like that more than me I could see like oh my God. So this is the thing. Chuck is my cup of tea. I always like to go for, like the fucking douche luray of the century name would be too boring for me.
I would have been like, I'm so bored with him in like a week. He's gorgeous with it. My friend hooked up with him. Really. Yeah. In real life. Oh. What did she is it. She said it was like she didn't say it was like a did she give you like penis size.
I don't remember but I will ask her and get back for a period of my life is like a very random sight. No, but for a period of my life I was like, I was destined to hook up with Chace Crawford and I just kept on following him and following him, hoping he would notice me. You never noticed Jason Carroll there. But then you switched and you decided you like Chuck. We'll know in the show. I like Chuck because he's like a pig and he's gross and he's like wishy washy and like, can never commit.
And like to me, guys with issues, there's something about there's nothing better. Yeah, we ought to change that. Danny, start growing up. Would you ever fuck Dan Humphrey Lucknow. Oh, so I have no idea why we just brought that up, but OK, so you would want to fuck Chuck and you think you're more you're more like Serena. Yeah, I was. I went to jail multiple times. That's actually so I guess also.
But yes. Rina's voice. Oh like guys guys, if you're still listening you need to fucking hear this because I cannot breathe.
And Alex, does this impression chalk truck stop.
Deon, Dan. I know Darren. I know why that's not her voice in real life. Gnaizda like, oh my God. Like Blake Lively. You are everything I want to be in my life. Yes. But in this show. Oh my God. She doesn't open her mouth. All right. It's like lockjaw talk.
Gihan Blair, I know we've had our issues. You can go exactly like it's like is she going to take a shit? Is she constipated? I don't fucking know. OK, let's get into the episode.
Hey, guys, let's let's actually start. Sophia has something she wants to talk about.
Something really, really terrifying happened to me. I was. Sitting in my room and I got a call from the doorman, which is strange because they usually only call when I've ordered food and I had it right. And so the doorman called up and he said, someone here is looking for you. They want to hand deliver a package.
OK, but the package is addressed to a name that is not yours. So that's creepy. Yeah, it's all right already. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. And I asked the guy and I'm like, OK, who is it addressed to. He says the name of my fake Instagram account.
I just want everyone to understand how fucking terrifying that is. I was like, there's someone in the lobby wanting to hand deliver me a package that is addressed to the name on my fake Instagram account and my fake Instagram account. There's only one person in this world that knows what that name is and she is sitting across from me. Hello, Vicky.
Hello, Vicky Smith. How are you today? You have to change that way, OK. Well, no time to change it by the time this comes out. I like Vicky. OK, that is the crew. OK, ok guys. It was Cianjur Marianelli. It became Vicky Smith after all you assholes knew about Sandra.
So the package was addressed to Vicky Smith. So you call me. I called Alex freaking the fuck out. And I was like, dude, are you like playing a prank? Like, No, are you behind this? Alex is on her way somewhere, therapy to therapy. And she was like, I have no idea what you're talking about, dude. Like and Alex, you guys, we all know she's not the best person to turn to in times of crisis, of crisis when there's something scary.
I was like, Sophia, hold on, don't open the package. There's going to be a bomb. She literally said there might be a bomb, so don't open it. Also, the thing about having a fake account is like you, you make the name. Yeah. And you don't really, like, identify with that.
Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's not. Yeah. You never say it out loud. No. You never think about it other than like in your personal right moment when you shift from your main to your face. Yeah. I don't it becomes for like a millisecond like so when they said that name it took me a second to like understand that it was the fake. So the doorman literally said, Vicki Smith, yes. And you shit yourself.
I go downstairs to get the package I like. Someone's not sending me anthrax like I'm not that important, OK? I like stuff we want. It's fine. I can open this package. OK, well, I at least wanted to see who sent it like where it was coming from. Yeah I see. I wouldn't even gone down.
Doors bunker up baby. Call the SWAT team. I'm too nervous. Well and I for a moment I was like maybe someone had figured me out, they'd figured out my fake account and they were like trying to fuck with me. That's what we figured. Yeah. So I go down there, I see that it's coming from San Diego and I'm like, oh my God, this is from one of my really good friends. I'm going to call her Alexa.
And I was like, Alexa. I'm pretty sure I did, in fact, tell her about my fake account a few weeks back, like during like a drunken conversation.
You asked her to send you drugs, smuggled them in the box, and you didn't want it on your own name, you fucking piece of shit. We know. Just say it for what it is. You didn't want the fucking to be put in Sophia's name and slid into our door. So you asked for her to die, will die. I will not confirm or deny that. It's smart. It's smart. I get. But it's terrifying.
But she had sent me and I called her and I was like, you little bitch. Did you really address this to my fake account? And she, like, burst out laughing and she was like, yeah, like, that is so funny. So who knows? You're right, because she's actually funny as shit for doing that. But I can see the heart attack. The thing about fake accounts and like I hope everyone has a fake account because they're really so fun.
So if you and I always talk about it, it's like I have more fun on my fake one hundred percent. I'm on it. You're seeing things you should not be. And it is it's a wild ride when you go in there and it's so much more fun. And also there's like this huge adrenaline rush because you're like, I could get caught at any moment. But like you there from the people I'm following are from like, you know, the guy sitting next to me like, yeah, but I did want to say something about fake accounts.
Make sure that your fake account is not because you have to be hooked up to an email or a phone number for an Instagram. And I'm assuming you're a fucking dumb ass and you've got it connected to your face. You're scaring me. So what you do is you can see your phone number. No, if you're on private, you're fine. But if they really wanted to do. An investigation they could try to see who the account is connected to and could do some research so it would your phone number could come up somewhere.
So I just think it's always good to be super safe, create a fake email in the name of your fake account. That's what I did. And so that's the only thing that's attached to it is an email. So say my name. Say my fake account name is George Michelsen, my email. I make George Michaelson at Gmail dot com. You connect it to your Instagram and therefore there's no trace back to you.
As an individual, I really worry about people around the world are like trembling. Yeah. So I just want to write about to like go to Verizon and like set up an entire phone line for the fake Akali.
So that's just a fun little hacker routine. We talk about women getting facials when the guy is about to bust his load from a blowjob all over your face, busted on your face. And it is the most beautiful thing to see a woman get a facial. But you know what? We have a little magic weapon so that your makeup ladies does not get totally fucked after that facial urban decay, urban motherfucking decay, all nighter makeup setting spray.
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Go get fucked. There's something that I want to talk about that's near and dear to my heart.
OK, I like to talk about my lack of sleep and my sleep deprivation.
We know well, there's something about it. I just like when I feel like I'm suffering, I can never be like a silent suffer. I need people to come. Yeah, come join. Actually, it's interesting you bring that up because I was thinking about this the other day. When I'm with my other friends, I'm the complainer and all my friends are always like, shut the fuck up. But when I'm with you, I don't because you take the suffering to another level that one of us has to be like, let's leave the house today.
Let's take a shower and get the deodorant on today. So you really put me in a in a hard position. Well, I'm actually happy. I'm not sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All of my friends, we all are just complainers. Yeah. I text to complaint. They hit me back with one of their complaints. You go right. Jet lag. I posted about it one time on my story when I was traveling and I did it once, ok.
I was ashamed, I was embarrassed and I didn't post it to be like yeah. Oh, like I'm suffering from jet lag. It was just la la even say the G they go la la la la want to lie. I posted it and I was like, does anyone legitimately I hadn't slept for like four days. And I'm like, no actually those like does someone have any remedy for this. Oh you're sure. The girls that are Instagram influencers, they're usually hot and they are usually the girls that are like Globe-Trotting.
Yeah, it's not what a little sugar babies or globetrotters. They are constantly traveling and every single time they land in the location, they act like it's this surprising thing in their like picture of themselves. Pouty lips, tits out, ariela like kind of I don't know, knows the Ariel. Ariel is the area around the temple. Yes. The Ariela is like kind of peeking and I clits like through the bra, the clit could potentially be at the bottom of the screen.
We're like the swiper. Absolutely. Like she talked a little bit up to the left corner to make it in the screen.
And she takes the picture and she's like, jetlag, help me. Jet lag. Right? Stop, stop. I did it once and I was embarrassed. Like, there are huge problems happening in the world. And if you are that girl that is complaining about jet lag, you got to do it one time. You're like one time, like I did, and then we're done. No, I agree. Sophia, I'm glad you're bringing that up because it also is kind of sad, because I hate these girls because they don't have jobs.
They're so hot. They're traveling around the world look like it's a little jealousy. I feel jealousy, dialogue, and I get annoyed. But I do get we were saying because they're I, I follow multiple people that it is every week when they land it is like not like, oh man, I'm so excited to be in Tokyo. It's like I can't wait for Tokyo. But first like well because actually I was about you know, what I was about to say is they have nothing else to complain about.
I don't know their life. No, but we'll we're going to with you and they can. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I think the moral of the story is like be self aware of the jetlag. The same goes with when people are like, I'm sick, send help. It is different. You and I have both done it when I actually have been genuinely confused what my illness was. And the daddy gang is like so fucking great and half of them are doctors.
Yeah, it's actually surprising. And then they'll write in remedies when a girl looks kind of hot when she's sick and she's like so sick, send soup. So, so when a girl says send soup, send help, you can just kind of erase that and write I need attention, just. Yes. Or send out I need soup. Send help equals I need attention. I'm feeling insecure. Please. Next time I want to challenge any Instagram girl that says send help.
If you're going to write that on your Instagram, this is the call her daddy challenge. You have to put your address. Oh, you have to plug it in to fuck around with that address. I fucking let people come give you hope, bitch. That was Instagram today. It's just send help. Just log and last point. Sorry, we're going off, but the Instagram boys, we're doing the jet lag voice because there are girls that literally have an Instagram voice.
Well there's a radio voice, right. And like sometimes girls get on the microphone and they really want to boogie down to some 80s. Turn up the volume, guys.
This Saturday night we're kicking it old school and jamming. You got Sophie on the track, but we go on Instagram and they it wasn't that fun. I don't know why I thought they'd go on Instagram.
I was going to say your name, but we're not going to do that. Please, Alex, does this impression this girl is probably top five hottest girls on Instagram just drop dead gorgeous, do you? Her voice right now? Because it's not real, guys. I just want everyone to self reflect this year finding, living, doing what we need to do. And then I swear, I hear in the background once she's like, yo, marker, give me my beer.
And I'm like, No, no. No, sweetie, that's not your voice, your voice, it it's so obvious, so fucking obvious. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Just constantly please write us in things that bother you on Instagram, because, guys, it's it makes my day that makes my day bitching. I already know that we're going to have so many people be like Sofia, but your actual voice sounds fake and made up like this I think is an issue that very whiny Valley girl voice is like genuinely.
Yes. And it's something I've had to, like, suffer. I actually really randoms. I know, but I had to I mean, we can finish here, but I was at my hairdresser and a girl that works there did not listen to our podcast because of my voice. Well, kind of actually.
Yeah. You're really fucking I know what she was saying, how she like never listened because the first couple of episodes she was like it was just so jarring to have two girls be so raunchy and so vulgar and you so much profanity. She's like it kind of is like adjusting to heavy metal. I'm sitting there, I'm like, OK. But what she ended up saying was like, once you get used to it and you almost can't go back and listen to another podcast.
But she said Sophia's voice specifically, she didn't even say it's annoying. She said, you sound like a movie character and it sounds affected. And I was like, the thing is, we are is actually it has gotten better since I got you. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. You give me like a little, you know, can of beer and like a little smell like I sound like I like people recording me. I'm like, I do not fucking sound.
Yeah. Yeah. Well we just took that 50 different directions that didn't need to go. But I hope you guys enjoyed our rant. Last week I talked about how I met my guy on a dating app. Yeah, they broke up day. I'll be back on there. You'll see me soon. No, I talked about that and I just wanted to talk about the fact that leading up to that point, I was going on the most horrifying dates of my life.
Yeah. And it's not all rainbows and butterflies and compromise. Cool, huh? Hello.
My voice was so horrible right now. I'm sorry.
Oh, so Sylvia was talking about her bad experience of dating before she met Soup man. Yes. And I was like, holy hell, I've had the same fucking experiences. Oh, and it is the worst.
Yeah. When you have broken up with a man. Yes. And you are trying to get over him and you're trying to get back in the dating game. Yep. Going on a bad day is kind of the worst thing. I had one of the worst series of dates of my life. I remember that time we were back. We were living in we can say it now. The three oh one. Well, we say it all the time.
Everyone knew where we lived. It was great. We were living in the 3001. Our lives were kind of depressing back then. We've definitely gone up from there. And I had just broken up with this guy that I think was like the true love of my life. Like I literally was so in love with this man that I was like I could. I was the first person in my life I thought I could marry. Yeah. And I remember him well.
And we broke up and it was like really hard for me. And I was going through a really depressing time. And so I went through eight like dry spell where I wasn't going on any date. Yeah, I was sitting in my bedroom. And so, yeah, finally was like, Alex, you need to get the fuck out there and start dating again, which I think though it's smart to do that, to have the time that you just spend alone in your room.
And it's very recent. But like, eventually you got yeah. You need to like, get the fuck out and stop being like a creep. I was a hard time. I remember. Yeah. I was like Dark Dungeon Girl, like literally in my room by myself every night. So finally I was like, OK, I'm going to break the seal and I'm going to start dating again. And when I tell you guys that, like, there were a span of three days to kick off losing my dating virginity again, that you can't make this shit out the back to back to back.
You were so I felt so bad. You were felt so defeated. Defeated like after the third day. I'm going to quickly give you like a little run through the first date I go on this guy happens to listen to the podcast, but at first he was trying to pretend like he didn't listen. I show up, we go to the like this mediteranean place in New York City. It was in the middle of summer. And he is so fucking nervous, like but in a in a weird way, nervous like.
I know people get nervous for dates and I also could see how. But he goes on a date with us. I can see like it's like, oh fuck. Are they going to put me on their show. Like it can be a little. Right. Right. Like scary. So we're talking, we're talking.
He is chugging water, chugging drinks, sweating bullets. He's friends with the manager at this place and it gets so bad. That's kind of well, no, he gets so nervous at this point that he. Whispers to his friend that works there, and two minutes later, the waiter brings over a fan. No, and I'm I'm not making this up. The guy literally I like a little fan that you hold with your, know, a fan.
They put it on the ground and tilted it up to him, because when I tell you the perfuse of sweating that was going on, it was it was like awkward. I wanted to be like, do you need, like, a cloth? Like, wait, please tell me that you guys were laughing so fine. I was like, oh, shit. And we kind of laughed about it, but it didn't get any better.
So then halfway through the date, he finally is like, yeah, you know what, I'm going to be so honest with you. One of my friends listens. I'm like, Oh, that always the friend. It's always the friend in quotation marks. He said, Yeah, my friend actually listens. I told him I was going on a date with you tonight and he was like, Dude, if it's the last thing you do, you have to fuck her.
Oh, oh. That made you feel really uncomfortable. Thank you. Every girl picture yourself in my situation when a man just says that to you and you're like, oh, so your goal tonight is right. Literally, if anything, just get the story of like, fucking right. I'm like, OK, cool, cool. No wonder he's sweating bullets. He's like, if it's the last thing I do, Mission Impossible to fuck her. So naturally I keep hanging out with him because why would I get up and leave.
Well, you're like desperado. You're like any guy I know. And exactly at that point I was so like determined to be like, no, I can make this a better night. We keep drinking and naturally as a sociopath would do, the man invited me back to his apartment. I said yes or if I know, dude, I remember knowing I didn't want to go and I went. The whole situation was extremely scary. He was like this rich guy.
But living in this four story creepy ass New York unfinished apartment, each floor was unfinished. The furniture was kind of like had papers over them and like the whole thing was strange. We went up to the fourth floor. We started making out the fact. I know, I know.
But it's not even like you were being dumb. It's like I know you, Alex could write like. Right. That is your worst nightmare. My worst that I know your level of depression over your ex-boyfriend at this point was attacked like I was like we're like, tell me don't what. Right. I will make this night fun. I'm upstairs, we're hooking up. And, you know, I do think that, like, hooking up with the guy and like it being rough is hot.
However, on a first hookup after nobody knows where I am in New York City, this guy and I start hooking up and he's like kind of strangling me. And I'm starting. He's so there's like TARP surrounding you and like construction tools. And he started strangling you. I mean, and if you have followed our show it all, you know how paranoid I am about someone kill everyone would be paranoid. And so I literally started to realize, like, no, something's off about this guy.
Something's weird. And I kept trying to be like, oh, OK, I think I'm going to go. And he's like, no, stay pushes me down. Finally, I left. I got out of there. So I leave and I get home and I'm alive. That was my first day back at it again from being, like, literally miserable, depressed. So you escape the next one. I've told the story. I show up to the day.
The guy seems so cute. Harvard grad lives in Chicago, love a little long distance moment. Halfway through the day, he grabs my arm, says I need to tell you something. I say what he says, please don't expose me on your podcast. I say, I promise. He says, I'm engaged.
I say what I say, what the fuck? Like this cannot be happening to me. You know, like you guys. I would fully at that point if I were you, I would think there were no good men left in the world. Right?
Yeah, I am like this. You've got to be fucking with me. How long after was this date? I would say this was like five days later. I would say the next day, next week or next week or next week. I got right back on it. OK, so I'm literally sitting. I was so excited about that guy. He's engaged. This is my last and third date. The next guy is a guy who was like a songwriter.
He was from Nashville. He was super attractive. Any songs we know? Actually, yeah. He wrote like a Selena Gomez song. I got nothing because she's like the worst fucking singer of her, but like, whatever. So I was like, pretty excited. He was coming into town. We had a date set up. I thought I was going to really like him via text message. He was pretty outgoing and had like a good sense of humor and really got my sarcasm.
So you had high hopes? I had high hopes.
This is the thing I don't have like a height of a guy that, like, the guy needs to meet a requirement of a height. I have dated a lot of guys that are tall, like pretty tall. But the thing I do have an issue with is cat fishing. I don't like when a man. Puts on his dating app that he sticks to and he shows up and he's like five fuckin seven like, I'm sorry but I wouldn't have warned he'll do, you know what I mean?
It's like it's kind of fucked up that is extremely fucked. Like he wasn't five seven, but he was like maybe like five nine.
And he's like, I'm six too. So like, wait. He said it said six too. On his profile.
It said on the ice stalks like a roster he had been on in court.
So he's lying just his whole life like six two and pushing through. All right. So I go to meet him. It was a lovely brisk summer day and I walked over to Mr. Purple.
If everyone knows it's like kind of a really it's I don't even know what it is. It's a bar. It's a bar and a laptop bar. And I show up, he turns the corner. He is so much fucking shorter than he said he was. So that was like my first like a little bit of annoyance. But I'm like, whatever like his face is really hot. So, like, we'll go with it.
And this is going to sound so weird. And so I've kind of talked to you about it before and I still can't fully articulate it and you don't get it.
But I have this thing with men where the minute I like, see them and it's not a superficial like what they look like thing, just their body language. And once they start talking to me for like two seconds, I can tell if I hate someone or like them. Oh, my God, I need them. I like that. Sounds so strange. You told me this before and I still cannot wrap my brain about it. I don't understand.
Like, the minute I meet the guy, I just know if I'm going to like him. The fact that you can just look at them and know if we're going to work or not. And when he turned the corner, I was like, nope, and I had nothing to do with. Looks like I could just tell his body language, his lack of confidence, like there was just something going on that I just knew. So the night goes on and I start to drink to the point of almost a blackout.
I'm like, I want to like this guy and maybe, just maybe a couple more tequilas. And he's going to look six to any a.m. feel like a good guy that I like and I vibe with. We get so hammered at Mr. Purple, we go around the corner to get sushi.
He goes to the bathroom and every girl fucking can relate to this. All of a sudden the drunk hit me and I wasn't as numb anymore. And I just start to think about my ex, not some shady Dayaks at the time that I was in love with. And I just start bawling in the middle of blue ribbon sushi. I don't remember. I am I, I know I didn't really tell many people because you'll hear when I tell you my mascara is down to my chin, I am sobbing in front of my spicy tuna, eating my fucking food, just sobbing.
And this guy comes back from the bathroom and goes, like, what the fuck? And I couldn't I was like, oh, my God, I miss him. And like, this is miserable. I hate this guy. Right? The other guy. The other guy's engaged. The other one's a serial killer. And at this moment, I knew I need the night to end. I need the night to end because I'm getting to the point, you know, you're like and then, you know, I cried into my sushi and I was seconds away from a blackout.
I figure I was like, let's wrap it up. Let's go to one more bar. Like what? We were so close to our apartment in the Lower East Side.
We go to one more bar. I'm standing with him. I hate him at this point. I hate him. I can't stand him. You know, when a man starts to, like, literally physically gross you out, like not from what he looks like, but everything about him is just pissing you off the way he's speaking, the way he's picking up his glass, the way he's looking like, yeah, could be doing everything right. Right.
But to me, I'm sure he was devil. Yeah, he was. You're like, you're not my ex then. You are. You are shit. Yeah. I have a girl to my right, and I feel like this weird connection, like I just feel like I know her or there's something going on. So he's to my left, a girl to my right. I'm standing at the bar and this girl just nudges me and goes, Daddy gang.
And I'm not kidding you. This sounds like it's made up. I swear to God it's fucking not, because I will never forget this. And I don't know where this girl is in the world right now, but shout out, bitch, I turned to her and I realize this is my fucking moment to escape. Daddy King is here. They're going to help me. I do. I fucking turn to this girl while the guy's ordering. I'm sorry.
This is like just reminding me so much of, like, those sex trafficking things. We're like you're like. Yes. When you're like with your captor and you have to, like, somehow relay the information to someone to let him know you're not crazy. They're like you're like a piece of paper says, Daddy, I'm not kidding. That's right. Yes. That is literally what a poor guy has no idea he did nothing wrong.
I turned to this girl while he's ordering drinks and I say, I need to get out of here.
I am on a date with this guy. He's super hot, super successful. Pretty sure he's rich. When I leave, can you please slide over and start flirting with him? And she literally looks me in the eyes and she goes, got you.
Got a tender. I am like Daddy motherfucking legs. So he looks left to go buy his drink. And when I tell you I wore sneakers out that night, I bookit home. I run five blocks as fast as I can, bawling my eyes out. Oh my God. I am bawling my eyes out like fucking little baby back bitch. And you're like no one will ever compare to me. Oh yeah. Just a mess. I'm a human being and I have feelings and I was having one of those fucking nights where I was just not OK and a little bit of alcohol and a fucking.
Yeah, a lot of it. A lot. Yeah. And a lot of horrible nights out with men. I was feeling like there's no one better than my ex at this point. I get home, I'm sobbing. There's a knock on my door. Right. You were.
Oh my God. Lauren was not home. No one was home with me yet again. Alex feeling like I'm about to get murdered. I crawl to our door because, you know, our floors were squeaky.
And I don't want anyone to know I'm here. Yes. I look through the people. Who is it? The man I went on the date with, oh, he's outside, did he pick you up so he knew where you lived? No. Listen to how he knew what my address was when we were talking. First of all, can we acknowledge how not OK, not OK, not OK. Like, just so fucking weird.
When we had been talking over the couple of weeks, he had offered in like a cute way to get me Uber eats best way to a girl's heart order her Uber eats. Unfortunately though, when you do that you give the guy your address. So he had my address from a couple of weeks before I look into people, I start crying more. I'm like, this can't be happening right here. What am I going to do? I literally just stare at him.
He keeps knocking and I just walk into my bedroom. I close the door and I just keep crying and I literally just go to sleep. He was out there for a good fifteen minutes. Oh, my God. I then had text or DMS from Daddy being like, yo, by the way, there's a guy outside of our building asking if you live here, we let him in. So thanks guys. I so like it's actually three on one right here.
Let's go. Had the answer on the first try. Just keep. Yeah. Or you can go around and go through the window. There's like a little lever. It's perfect. So that was my three dates in a row that I knew I was going back into dark dungeon.
I was like a fucking done with this it. Thank you so much for Shari. That was like so low. No it wasn't. It was perfect. The thing is, is when you break up with a guy, it is this super delicate balance that you have to do where you have to, like, stay home and take care of yourself. Yeah, but you also need to force yourself to go out and, like, live in the world so you can actually meet other people.
Yeah, but then if you have a bad day and if you have them back to back to back, there is nothing worse. There's nothing worse. You literally it makes you want to run into the arms of your ex and be like, let's just get married. Let's just do there's nothing else. There's no one else. No one. I've got the serial killers. I got the songwriters that come to my doors. I got the fan boy.
I got it's nothing is better and it makes you appreciate them more when really the advice I have from all those horrible dates is like I was in the most depressed state, I missed him.
But the point was like after those three days I took like a little break and then I went back out and I went on a date with a guy and I really fucking liked him. Yeah. And I like dated him for a little bit and I had so much fun with him. And I swear to God, guys, if you are in a situation where you're feeling so fucking like helpless, you're like, I'm having the worst luck. I'm not finding any guys or girls that I'm like hitting it off with, like my rule that I was giving my friends and myself at the end, there was you cannot end on a really bad date.
You have to force yourself away like two weeks to go back out and just at least be left with a date that was like he was really cool. But like, I don't know, not but not a traumatic one like this. Right. Tell us your also it's like a numbers game if you go on enough. Yeah. It's a good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys, we all try to eat kale salads, drink the green smoothies, but a lot of times it's really hard to get the nutrients.
And so that is why we have ritual. OK, they have obsessively researched vitamins specifically for women's rituals, essential to have nutrients that can get us the nutrients we need, even if we're not getting them from the food. If you don't like kale, good. You've ritual. Yes. You guys, it comes in too easy to take capsules that are actually the cutest things ever. Alex and I have them at home. And the thing is, is ritual makes it so easy.
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So, guys, if you want to get healthy right now, sexy and sexy and rich, fabulous. OK, Ritual is offering 10 percent off during your first three months, guys. OK, so you're going to go to ritual dot com Doddy to start your ritual today. Again, that is ten percent off for your first three months at ritual dot com slash daddy, raise your hand if you have ever had toilet paper stuck to your vagina. I just raised my hand.
You guys can't see me, but I raised aHUS. This is an interesting phenomenon. It's not I'm not calling it a phenomenon. Toilet paper sucked, you know. No, but it has happened to Alex. I and I think it's happened to a lot of you. And we want to discuss it because it's going to bring meaning to a overarching, larger theme.
Messy said, I will be the antagonist.
Alex, protect everybody. Sit back, please relax. As we proceed to the new segment, Massee SAG's. Sex is supposed to be nasty and messy, and for some reason, people don't understand that and they get so hung up and shit like toilet paper in their vagina happens. Right. We're here to say it happens to the best of us. Alex, tell us about when this happened. So I was hooking up with this guy. Lots of love, lots of affection.
And we were super getting intimate, hot and heavy. I smoked in the morning. I was high. I was ready to have high morning sex. He is going down on me and I'm ready to get that pussy licked. That's just so disgusting. I was ready to get it. Now he goes down and all of a sudden I'm like closing my eyes, like feeling the moment. And then the moment stops because I hear him and I'm like, why the fuck is he speaking?
And he proceeds to say, Hey, babe, you have toilet paper stuck to your vagina and I pee to the girl. OK, I will never forget that moment. This is recently two guys. And he proceeds to. I know and I know. No, you know, you take it from your labia, plucks the toilet paper from my labia and kind of like holds it up like a little trinket, like little mistletoe. He's like, hey, babe, like, string it in the air.
And I look up at him and I wanted to fucking die, die. I'm going to go ahead and take over here.
Mm hmm. I was hooking up in a car with my boyfriend in high school, my first love, I would say, and he was about to go down on me love.
And he stopped and came back up. And I will never forget the look on his face was completely disgusted and said, you have toilet paper to you. You should clean up what he didn't even he didn't even pluck it off. He just left it. He was like, you need to take care of that type of thing. Oh, see that? That's a little different than the Beach Boys during that time in high school. So this really drives the world to his world.
And then it resonated with me for the rest of my life. And I was forever scared of that. And now I always, always double check the labia. I look inside the flat, outside the flop, OK? I lift up the clip, I look underneath is a stuck by the whole help because I use double strong Charmin Ultra. You will never ever be without a dude. This is the shit guys. Listen, when I was a young thug back in the day, high school swinging, swinging my pussy around looking for the largest stick in town I.
I asked Jesus Christ. OK, no, no.
I remember when I was younger I went through this is about to be so fucking random but I'm trying to explain SAG's. I remember I went through this really strange period in high school which now granted sounds fucking popping off, but I was like would get so wet when I was hooking up with the guy because my hormones were just I was just, you know, coming into my womanhood.
OK, yeah. Sue me. OK, squirting cream in the making. Yes. OK, but it could intimidate the young lads back and I could see that. And I remember back then when a guy would go to hook up with me and start fingering me and he big oh my God, you're so wet. I got so embarrassed and I was so upset and I was like, fuck, like, that's so embarrassing. Like, why am I so wet?
Granted, I would fucking love that. Now, like I that's a girl's dream. Right? But when I was younger and uneducated about how sex is supposed to be nasty and messy and wet, I that was like a little thing that I was so insecure about. And I'm like, that's a perfect example of women getting self-conscious about things going not perfectly. And my wetness gets on the sheets and then I want to go died yesterday. Yeah, because this is a thing men have the one thing erectile dysfunction.
The penis won't get up or the penis stops getting up. Midford It's usually the only thing men could really be embarrassed, embarrassed about during sex, even if a dude fucking farts during sex. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say like he doesn't really give a fuck. Yeah, but women, if his balls and dicks stink, doesn't give a fuck, it's you can be grossed out but you don't really you don't care because it's a man.
Women girls are still under the impression that sex is supposed to be perfect and clean and run smoothly from start to finish and it doesn't work that way. And the thing is, is no girls talk about what sex is actually like. Yeah. And we're about to do it. You've had some horrible moments share. I will never live this down. Tell us, just do it, but I'm doing this because we want to normalize and normalize it. Exactly.
The policy is to stop giving it so much power. Yeah. Sex shit. Fuck it. No, go ahead. You're avoiding it. I was just saying I was hooking up with a boy, a boy who was five years old. A man.
A man. And the sex was great. Mm hmm. I pulled off of his desk so he could ejaculate, and I I want to die. I looked at his penis and it looked like it had been dipped in a tub of two percent fat cottage cheese.
And I was really at that moment was contemplating death or become a lesbian because hopefully they understand the female body better and they want to shame me for it. It was the worst shit in my life. All make sure you were in fact, she had a yeast infection and he fucked it out of you or fucked it on to his own dick. He fucked. He marinated his dick in it. Oh, and the Greek yogurt dough in that moment. In that moment.
Yes. How do you even rebound from a moment? I had to address it, obviously. Yeah. What did you say? I said I am so sorry. I guess I must have a yeast infection. I guess I didn't know. I guess you went there. I'll take care of it to the loo like I don't.
What am I supposed to say? Yeah, that was it.
Do you think it would have been way worse if I tried to pretend that that was like a normal girl, like my pussy and he's like one. You're like, oh yeah. Like finish. And he's like, no, no, I can't. I was about to and and now I can't. Wow. A little loaded. Chorded. Yes. So yeast infections extremely common. I should have known. Yeah. But I think that was my first and only yeast infection I've ever had.
So I didn't know did I literally like. I'm sorry but I cannot imagine if that happened. I don't even know what I would say. I was mortified. I think you're right, though. Addressing it is the best to just be like, oh fuck, I guess I have a yeast infection. Like, what the fuck do you say? It would be weirder if you didn't address. Yeah, but I'm so sick and tired of us having to apologize and be embarrassed for normal bodily functions that our vagina and although this may not be normal bodily, it's a it's an Alex issue and it's also a you issue the spray tans when I tell you and just give me a fucking second here.
Let me go. Harvey, I have this overarching anxiety when I go to visit a guy and I know that he's going to have fucking white sheets and I want to look hot as fuck. But I'm I'm literally dealing with this right now. I am getting a spray tan. I'm going to go see a guy. And what is the only thing I have on my mind? I need to shower and then get fucked on these white sheets and pray to God that some of my spray tan doesn't come off on the sheets because then the men always look at it and they're like, what is that?
Or like they don't. Or if they don't say anything, it's just a stain on the sheets. And it's like, what is that?
And if you don't if you don't address it, there is a brown some. Yeah. Like streak stain on there. There is a suspicious brown writing and it's like what the fuck. And I want to look around your area of the bed and yeah. And for me I'm kind of I'm at the point now where I'll like say like I have a fucking spray tan, but I will never forget back in the day when I was hooking up with Slim Shady, like years ago, I was so focused on, like, looking so great for him.
And I got a spray tan and it came off when I tell you drunkenly all over his white sheets. And we woke up the next morning and he was like, he what is all over the bed? And instead of, you know, being a girl that's confident and and just said, oh, that's my spray tan. I was like, I don't stop. What is that stuff? And we stared at the sheets. He probably thought that you were dirty.
You know, I probably just thought you were so dirty. Why can't I just make I have a fucking spray tan, right? Because men don't understand spray tans. You have to explain it to that. But also, Alex, are we just putting this on ourselves? I actually do think it's both, because I do know of guys, a.k.a. little bitch boy, that things do gross them out. OK, I remember I dated this guy.
And I was spotting go and my period had just ended, so the spotting is brown. Yes, guys, finish your own blood is. Hey everyone, can you get back?
Yeah, everything's got it's fine. It's going to be OK. We're good.
And it was in my underwear, OK? And he grabbed my underwear and he was like, this is so gross. And he wasn't upset. He was like kind of joking. And he was like, is this like a Skidmore? And I was so mortified. But I was like, no, you fucking idiot. I'm I'm like getting all the different color fuck off. So, yes, they don't understand at the time, but then sometimes they're just gross.
I mean, they're not gross. They're just. No, they, they're mean. Oh you are is mean and liar. No, I think that's true. And also this is kind of random. But when I was telling that toilet paper story because I had been so high and then he proceeded to peel it off of my labia and stare at me, in the mood for me was so ruined. And in his mind, I realized in that moment he didn't really care.
So he went to go back down on me. And a lot of times I would like fuck through things, but it was so hard for you to get back in the mood. I was so high that I was so in my head that like it had been it was like, oh fuck, this is awkward. I ended up actually telling him I was like, babe, I just need a minute. And he didn't understand for a second. He was like, what do you mean?
And I'm like, I just like need a minute. He didn't realize that you had gotten embarrassed. Yeah. And I was embarrassed in my own head, like because it took me out of the mood. I was no longer horny and turned on in the morning trying to fuck like that was an awkward thing for me. And now I'm thinking I'm like, why is that awkward? Yeah, I was peeing. Yes, I was wiping my vagina like every woman in America does.
And it just so happened that Sharmin that morning decided to fuck me up, Diaz and just cling a little bit longer than normal. Yes. Hey, not a big fuckin deal, but for some reason it gets in our head so everyone fuck through the sex and have nasty gross sex because that's the best sex. When you let all your inhibitions go and you don't get that is the power to throw up on a dick or shit on a dick or fucking puke.
And men notice that, by the way. So they get really turned on. Get in there, be a fucking nasty cum savage freak. And then it doesn't matter if you're the fucking ugliest bitch or the hottest bitch, it doesn't fucking matter. Busted or not, you look hot as fuck because you just fucked hot. Yeah. OK, moving on to this is an incredible opportunity of a lifetime of dick questions. Oh the question quiz Jews. Oh ut Austin Powers.
I'm not going to try to do that with my voice. Just questions of the like. Why I like questions of the weight of questions of the week typically top Dikili dicks. All right, let's kick them off. I'm kicking it off. Oh. Because we kind of just mention this.
Oh I just got a sext and I am so clearly not able to do that right now. OK, so.
So my boyfriend recently has been asking to come on my tits more and more and I let him, but I always feel awkward. What am I supposed to look at. Do I look at his face, at his dick, in the opposite direction. Help. This is such a good one. Really. Think about this, Alex, because I am on a basic level, it sounds pretty straightforward, but it's really not. It is when he pulls out and he's fucking jerking it and he's like hunched over you and he's about to jocularly onto your tits where your eyeballs peripheral vision.
Where is it? This is what you're doing.
You are going to take your hands and you're going to have them pushing your tits together. Yes. OK, then you're going to be staring at his dick. I always stare at the I make eye contact with the dick. That's the thing. Fuck his face. It doesn't matter what's up there. You're if I'm laying there and a guy is jacking off on to my tits, I am holding my tits together and I'm kind of like you moving my body a little bit to this.
It's like hard to explain.
Yes. You're kind of like grinding, just showing. I want it. Yes. And you're kind of grinding forward towards him and you hold your tits together and he's jacking off onto your tits and you stare at his dick and then sometimes I'll like, roll my eyes back and like just like let it all happen. If there's a dog in front of you and you have a ball and you're moving it from side to side. Yeah, the dog's eyes are going side to side of the ball.
Very similar. What I usually do with the cum, OK, I look at the penis. I know the come is inside of the penis. Yes. And once I see that it's about. To start coming out, I follow the calm and then look to my to kind of look at it landing on my head like a little shooting star, just laying right in your pot of gold and you're holding the warm embrace of Big Bird. There you go.
That's it. This is an interesting one. And I think that we could really help this girl out. I think you could have some advice for this. Hi, Alex, first of all, I love the pressure, no pressure, bitch. Hi, Alex. First of all, I love the podcast. Makes me feel not so crazy, but I want both your and Sofia's advice if you have a chance. I have been dating a great man for about five months now.
In the beginning, our lovemaking was sensual, sensational and unbelievably passionate, tear jerking. But as our relationship progressed, we started to get into kinkier discussions, cuckolding cuck, queening him with a man, mom and dad play. You get the gist. But anyways, we decided these conversations were really warping our sexual life and decided to move back to fully concentrating on just him and I. But now I feel like the passionate love making has been tainted and is not the same since we brought such toxic discussions into the mix.
What should I do? Please help.
So they started lovemaking and then they try to get freaky with it. And it sounds like they didn't even do the stuff they were discussing, cuckolding and doing mom and dad role plays and doing all these kind of like, oh, I'm going to fuck someone else kind of role plays. And now they're trying to get back to basics because I could see it can fuck with your relationship maybe. And now she they went back to basics and she's like, what the fuck do I do?
It's kind of feels weird, OK, what it really boils down to is, is she in to the kinky stuff or not? Yeah. Is he into the kinky stuff or not? Yeah. Are there some kinky things that you guys can both agree on and try out? Yeah. And if you can't come to an agreement, then maybe that person is not sexually compatible with you. Such a good point. There is something about bringing kinkiness into the bedroom that I think that it can be dangerous if you guys aren't ready for it in the sense that you could potentially both move things too quickly towards something that you guys not only have no experience with but really aren't interested in doing.
And then you have this huge pressure of like, oh, my God, we now we have to go back and have normal sex. But we like the cuckolding thing. Right? And it's like, no, you don't.
You you can do a mix of both. Yeah, I do that all the time. Sometimes I will start sex out kinky and it will end up in love me vice versa. Yes, you can do both. Also, I just hope this girl understands that him fantasizing about these things is very different than him saying I want to act them out in real life. I just remember totally different. Fantasy is totally different. OK. Yes.
What would what would you do in this situation, Sophia? These are the questions I just I love.
Hey, Alex, y'all are iconic and I need advice here, please. So my ex-boyfriend asked me to sing to him, which wasn't weird because I can sing well, but it was weird when he asked me to sing him a lullaby post fuck. So we break up because he's a cheating piece of shit. Shocker, I think, oh, this won't happen again. And stowed away in my memories. But then two other guys ask me to sing them a fucking lullaby after sex.
Please let me know your thoughts. Is it OK? Should I be concerned?
Can you see me, Lullabye, I'm just like I mean, Marineris all alone in the moonlight, really?
Charisma. Oh yeah. Merry Christmas. I like why I think girlfriend that's kind of on you, that you go into your life. You're constantly bragging about singing about your voice.
Still, though, still. Why do they hold up a lullaby after they come?
I think you should be like, sorry, no, I'm not into that. Yeah, I would just say I'm not into that. I'm not into that sexually. Yeah, I'm not into that sexually. Hey, Daddy's I need some advice. All of my close friends are way hotter than me. I love them. But when we go out they get all of the attention. I would say I have a pretty good personality, but whenever I join the conversation while we're out, I feel like the guys are saying in their head, who is this ugly girl talking or not?
So what do I do? Get uglier? Friends thinks Daddy's OK, sweetie.
Easy, depending on what group of friends I'm hanging out with. Sometimes I'm the ugly beaver and sometimes I'm the Angelina Jolie. Do you really know when you hang out with me? Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. No, no. And I'm the duff. What is it? The designated ugly fat fryer.
So I can relate to this in the sense that, like, I understand, I've hung out in groups of women where they're all so beautiful and I sometimes do feel insecure. And I like the short, ugly beaver. Yeah, I've seen it. Yeah. It's like awful. You like chicken, right? But I feel like I can't compare. Yeah. So I get it. Like I get the dynamic because it's like I you love your friends but if you're with these hot girls all the time you're not getting the attention.
And we've told you guys when we talked about it was the college episode and we were like, if you are sick, stop surrounding yourself with Ten's like, get uglier friends. Are you a yeah. If you're trying to go out and get men and you're constantly standing next to Megan Fox, I'm sorry, but not only even if Megan Fox has a boyfriend, you're just not going to look that attractive next to Meghan. Yeah. And then it just fucks you.
And that's just how the world works and fucking sucks. I it's it's just it's a fact of life. It is. And you're not the only girl like I don't want to go out with Margot. Robbie, I don't want to I do not want to go out there. I would rather sit home and not go out. Absolutely. It's just not happening. It happens to every single girl. And I get it if they're like your main friend group.
And the thing is, is I'm going to give healthy advice, OK? Because at the end of the day, you can't set up your life by your own, you know, ugly people. Exactly. Yeah. There will always be someone hotter, smarter, better. And you just need to be confident in your own. I was going to say, I really do think that in the Times that I did feel like the uglier beaver. When I'm around Sophia, I've got to pull out all the stops of my personality.
I need to be in it to I literally have to be like guys. My friend Alex is here. Yeah. Yeah. Like Cloete. Like I'm currently the one being shoved to the back. And so, you know, my friend's here. She tells a couple of funny jokes. But if you have a good personality and you're funny, you don't want to get designated as the ugly, funny friend. But I do think that there is something to be said if you're super chill and the fun one, because sometimes fucking hot girls are boring as fuck, right?
Maybe be the fun one, right? When you are out with your hot friends, maybe be the one that's like doing the shots and like having more fun and playing the games and like. Yeah, yeah. OK, I'm going to just wrap it up with this one. I don't even think we need to answer it, but these are the types of demos we get. Hey, Daddy's serious question. Would you risk getting the coronavirus for a deck appointment?
A man I am having sex great sex with now lives in Hong Kong and is offering to fly me there for a long weekend. Would you do it? Goodbye.
All right, guys, I. Bye, Daddy. Dick appointment or the virus. What do you think? Oh well I answer that one. We love you guys so much. The trail continues. Israel, I know you guys probably are so confused. We want you to just it will become clearer and look for the clues and try to connect it because they all they'll make sense if you take enough time to think about. So feel enough. Franklin, weather wise, my Instagram and Alexander Cooper, my Instagram go falls and our personnels.
That may be the only place you could ever reach out. Keep your eyes peeled. Yeah, we love you guys. Go. It is a five star review and tell your friends about us. Yeah. Send us nudes, send the troops nudes and tell your friends all about the fathers.
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