Happy Scribe
[00:00:00]

Hi, baby. Oh, guys, it's free, so I don't know why that's it, that's it. That's that's the whole thing. There's that's it. So, guys, honey is a free browser extension that you hook up to your computer, you download it, it's free. And then every single time you guys go to check out and buy something could be Pizza Hut, could be Nordström. Anything over the bucket is they are going to automatically apply coupons from all over the Internet.

[00:00:24]

It scans, it finds the best deals and applies it. And then you save a lot of money. Guys, I was buying makeup. You're buying dildos. You don't have the rights to buying dildos.

[00:00:33]

I heard her, but it was makeup. It wasn't a dildo tells me I'm getting I did end up saving.

[00:00:42]

I think it was like twenty something dollars on an order of a hundred bucks for free. For free.

[00:00:46]

So you guys go to join honey dotcom slash daddy that's join honey dot com slash daddy. You guys need to try it. It's literally passing up free money if you don't.

[00:01:01]

Do you call him daddy? Do I call her daddy, call her daddy, stay for. We're going to let you guys interpret that however you want. Um, moving on, moving on. We are in a really deep, dark mental state, unwell, unwell. It's Alex and Sophia back at it, right. For the second time, actually, to die. It's call her dad. Call her daddy.

[00:01:46]

I think it was last week or two weeks ago we uploaded our episode and the sound quality was complete shit. So we had to throw that in the garbage and rerecord it.

[00:01:57]

This week we went to upload our episode. I felt really, really good about it, only to see that the file said zero bytes. B Why?

[00:02:09]

Yes, what does that mean?

[00:02:11]

I don't fucking know. Guys, why are you recording literally for the second time today? And it is like I can't explain the pain. When I took out the SD card and I put it in into my little editor, I went to start editing this audio and I said. Wow, my audio is there, but Sofia's somehow Sofia. Oh, no, no, I didn't. I swear I got my microphone because this puts me through pain to that.

[00:02:41]

I had to redo this. So we're literally about to have to rerecord another episode. And it's like, I don't want to let it out on them.

[00:02:47]

No, but like, I can't help but be frustrated knowing this is going to be a complete different episode because I can't fucking sit here and say the same shit for another two hours. So we're just going to have to really go with this one. It hurts. I can't even explain it in a podcast for two hours. And then you look and it's like, yes, Alex's podcast, it alone. Where is Sofia? And the other thing is, like when we saw the zero byte file, we said, what is a zero byte file?

[00:03:11]

We spent the next six, seven hours being like, no, no, no, no, no, no, we can retrieve this. I was on the phone with Geek Squad. We got on fucking up.

[00:03:22]

Or if we were trying to reach out to audio technicians, we literally were putting up our own money and we were like, we will pay you four hundred dollars out of pocket if you can figure out what the fuck zero bitin because I don't fucking know. And yeah, nothing was recovered.

[00:03:39]

So here we are back at it again for another motherfucking episode of Daddy. But it's all right. It's OK. I think I'm losing it a little bit. It's all right. Your eyes are bloodshot. Thank you. Thank you. Alex is doing especially bad. I'm not doing my best. I'm dealing with a little thing I would like to call sleep paralysis. Why is there a light? I mean, there are windows, OK?

[00:04:00]

I'm probably hallucinate. I am sleep paralysis. I went to sleep paralysis. Sofia, I'm going to take a quick nap, let them know.

[00:04:09]

So sleep paralysis is I've had it before, OK? It's a common phenomenon. And what happens is you wake up in the middle of the night and you wake up completely petrified and you can't move your limbs and you can't make a sound in your like you lay there paralyzed and everyone experiences it a little bit differently.

[00:04:31]

Like for some people, it's like there's an evil spirit, like up above them. Levitating. Yeah. I mean, how is it for you?

[00:04:40]

I literally last night or two nights ago I woke up and there I believed was a man sitting on the edge of my bed, just staring at me, sleeping. And I was so fucking terrified. You guys paralyzed, couldn't move the whole thing. And then for the next, like now a few nights, I haven't been able to sleep because of this terrifying feeling of, oh, my God, if I go back to sleep, is this going to happen again?

[00:05:05]

Yeah.

[00:05:06]

Sometimes what happens is if you die regretting this, if you partake in partying like they're like drugs at the party and you decide to partake, sometimes you will have sleep paralysis like a few days later.

[00:05:19]

Well, I'm not like specifically MDMA, like a couple days later. I don't know. Are you REM professional? Just how so? It feels like so when I take MDMA, I literally like all fucking off my rocker for a few days. If anyone's taking ecstasy or Molly, please be aware that this could happen if you a disclaimer.

[00:05:37]

OK, China's slide that right by me. OK, well I'm sober and I'm fine, but I will say I think a lot of people are having bad dreams right now, like very vivid dreams because of Korona.

[00:05:48]

I actually tweeted about that because I had a dream when I was asleep that all have you ever had this dream? All of your teeth fall out? Yes. I feel like everyone experiences that. And I guess some guy wrote and told me that it's when you are experiencing extreme anxiety and going through a change, either in a relationship or your job.

[00:06:06]

And I guess obviously right now it applies to Korona to the unknown. So I guess we'll actually you're reminding me of. Yeah. How are your dreams over.

[00:06:14]

So a few days ago, this is really weird. I had a dream that I was putting, like, living things in the microwave.

[00:06:23]

And I woke up in the middle of the night like so scared and, like, feeling horrible.

[00:06:29]

You were putting living things in the microwave. The fuck is wrong.

[00:06:32]

You know, what I remember is going on over there. From what I remember, I was putting, like, babies and little animals.

[00:06:38]

I guys, I'm not sorry I woke up feeling bad. It was very strange. I don't know what's going on. Someone die. I mean, I don't fuck with you anymore. That's weird.

[00:06:48]

Anyway, anyways, so. So if you I were thinking about this, we feel really bad. Yeah.

[00:06:55]

We feel really bad for all of the high school seniors and the college seniors because we see a lot of you are not able to partake or grad school and graduation and all those fun senior week activities.

[00:07:11]

Yeah, and it sucks. And I think a lot of you are upset. Like I saw these daddy and girls were having prom on Zoome like their little getting in their prom dresses and they're getting on Zuman. It fucking sucks.

[00:07:20]

Yeah, but I just want to say, you know, having gone through high school and college and having made it out alive, I know it seems like the most important thing in your life right now, but. Life goes on. It's really not. We've never really talked about did you graduate high school? Are you fucking. I mean, you're the type of person that would get there. Not anything wrong with that. But why do I feel like you got your head?

[00:07:44]

And the fact that you just looked me in my eyes and asked me if I graduated high school. We never talk about it. I barely graduate. There you go. There you go. So you were a Jenny in high school? Oh, I was.

[00:07:55]

So so was I. What kind of high school did you go to? I went to a private Catholic high school. I went to a. This was a fucking twist.

[00:08:04]

I went to a private boarding school and I know people would look at me and be like, oh, you rich bitch. No, absolutely fucking not. I got a scholarship to go there to play soccer, which sounds weird to me.

[00:08:17]

So boarding school? Yes, a boarding school. So like we had straight up borders and day students and like people would like fuck in the dorms and shit. Oh, I was like a college in high school. If I lived in the dorms in Ohio, you would be dead.

[00:08:32]

Oh my. Would be with us. I know. So you graduated, but barely. I barely graduated in high school. It was like it was the type of thing I started out with flying colors. Like I remember when I started out, I was like in AP classes.

[00:08:48]

I this is how bad it is. I started high school too. Math classes advanced from my freshman year grade, my senior year of high school.

[00:09:00]

I was one behind of everybody else. Like I don't even know how that happened. A huge drop off. OK, so you really slid back. You really you really went back. Yeah, that's great. So what about you? I, I, I didn't do great in high school either.

[00:09:17]

I remember my graduation specifically. Our dean of students had just like been so done with me and I was missing my tarsal for my cap and I was wearing the wrong gown and he just came up to me. He was also so fucking hot and he came up to me and was like, where is your tassel?

[00:09:33]

What are you wearing the wrong. I don't know.

[00:09:36]

I don't know. I like your sister. I don't remember. I don't I know it's fucked up.

[00:09:41]

And he just looked at me and was like, I don't care what you do anymore, Alex. Just fucking graduate. Wow.

[00:09:47]

I was like, oh, you wanted me gone. You not say you wanted. Well, also kind of that. OK, so then in college, what was your college situation? Did you go to your college graduation?

[00:09:58]

I did it, but it wasn't like what everyone imagines it to be like. I literally was like pissed the whole time. I like sat through the whole thing and I like threw my diploma in the back of the car. And I was like, can we get can I get out? Yeah, dude, college graduation, especially if you go to like a big university. I remember not wanting to go to mine. I only went for my parents.

[00:10:18]

I actually barely graduated college too.

[00:10:20]

Oh, OK. Good, that's another one. Started off with flying colors. I started this amazing, wonderful college outside of San Francisco, California. Incredible.

[00:10:32]

Ended up at community college and you.

[00:10:36]

So yeah, we love to see it. Why. What happened to my degeneracy.

[00:10:41]

Yeah, just I think I got like a ticket for underage drinking. I don't fucking know. Yeah. And your mom was like, come home. Yeah. She was like, I'm not paying this tuition. I feel like we had very different college experiences. My college experience was like I couldn't get in.

[00:10:57]

I had to keep getting in trouble on the down low because obviously I would have lost my scholarship. I got in trouble. I couldn't get an underage. I couldn't like all that shit. I will never forget I for a final exam. I was really struggling in this one class and I knew he was a huge fan of the teacher, the of one of the guy I was dating at the time. And I was a professional athlete and I bribed him and I got him a signed ball and it and in exchange for me to not have to take the final exam and for an A, I like how pathetic am I?

[00:11:29]

But I don't like. Come on. Come on, Alex.

[00:11:32]

I showed up with a little bag. You go and take tickets and he's like, here is it right, you fucking cunt. That's I think that might be the craziest thing I've ever heard. Come out of your butt. You got to do what you got to do. Yeah. Right now that professor is probably getting fired. No, like he's a great guy. We still stay in touch, actually. But then with the rest of my college experience, I know I have I have never talked about this, but.

[00:11:56]

Well, you know, but the daddy game doesn't fully know my experience with college. I had a full scholarship to play Division one soccer at Boston University.

[00:12:06]

You know, so Brownbill Bragge, I work my whole life for it and I played only for three years, though my senior year. I got to keep my full scholarship, but I did not have to play and getting and.

[00:12:23]

Oh, no, no, that is a story for another day.

[00:12:26]

OK, I was going to say like one episode. I know. No. We'll tell that story one day, but, yeah, so I mean, anyone that college, high school life goes on. I mean, look at us. I mean, we almost flunked out of high school and college. And look at us now with the most degenerate podcast there. Yeah. We're like, show your parents us. Now, look at this. They're like, no, that's the opposite of what our children to aspire.

[00:12:53]

You know, we're like every parent's worst nightmare. They're like doctor, lawyer, accountant, podcast, pastor.

[00:12:59]

No, no podcasts. Welcome back to the show, folks. So I don't know. We just wanted to say a shout out to all of you guys. Happy graduation. Get fucked up with your parents. Get fucked up on the other. And don't worry, you'll look back and you'll be like, what? It's so much fun graduating on Zoom.

[00:13:18]

It's so depressing. All right, moving on. People are getting horny. Everybody is masturbating because we're staying at home and everybody is playing with themselves at home. They are.

[00:13:27]

And you're going to play with yourself, with Adam and Eve, Adam and Eve guys. You know the drill. They have all the sex toys, all the lube. Anything you can possibly imagine Adam and Eve has for your sex life, whether you're fucking your partner, you're fucking yourself, Adam, and motherfucking. There is a lot of masturbating going on. So Adam and Eve, right now, you can choose almost any one item for 50 percent off, 50 percent off motherfuckers.

[00:13:52]

Plus, when you do, you're going to get ten free gifts free again. Free. Yeah. So you guys use offer code her daddy. That's her daddy.

[00:14:02]

Check out also, guys, they have thousands of products so you guys can go shop around and see whatever you like. I know some girls you probably like don't if you don't have a vibrator, get like a starter then if you guys are Intacta into those anal beads, go get yourself some fucking anal beads out of you. Dotcom her daddy. Let's talk about let's talk about something else here. A little something that's pretty spectacular.

[00:14:24]

OK, this is the thing. This segment is for people that want to keep their love interest interested during quarantine.

[00:14:35]

Yeah, that's what it is. Yes. That's a big problem.

[00:14:39]

Real big problem. For example, my cousin was talking to me actually about this the other day. So my cousin met a guy at a bar that she really hit it off with a few days before. And and she's extremely picky. So this was like a really big deal. OK, and now naturally she's freaking out and she's calling me and she's asking me for advice on what the fuck to do right about this guy, which which I get.

[00:15:07]

Because your cousin's wondering, like, how do I keep this connection a lie?

[00:15:12]

Because right now, for the foreseeable future, like, we don't know and we'll ever see another human again. Yeah, she has no fucking idea what to do. Right. And you know, what I want to say is I think a lot of people that are in the same boat are having the same anxiety. And the problem is that because of the anxiety, they're overdoing it.

[00:15:33]

They're scared this person is going to move on. And so they're like blowing up that person's phone and making sure that they are in constant contact with that person. And that is the worst possible thing you can do right now. The the worse. Worse. Yes, Daddy. Gang, if you take one thing from this episode, the worst.

[00:15:53]

So, so motherfuckers.

[00:15:55]

Well, the fucking daddy, I did a lot of trial and error. We did research extensively on my life. She's using me as the guinea pig.

[00:16:05]

And we believe that the answer and what you guys should be doing is disappearing, disappearing.

[00:16:13]

And I know a lot of you are unhappy just hearing that you're not throwing their phone. Yes. Zaidee went through the real panic attack.

[00:16:19]

Explain it to them. OK, I actually have an example from my past.

[00:16:25]

OK, I remember it was a few years back.

[00:16:30]

I met this guy during Sundance. So for those of you don't know what that is, it's a film festival that they have in Utah. So it was the second I met him.

[00:16:40]

It was like fireworks. We ended up spending. I think it was like three nights back to back to back together.

[00:16:45]

Did you find. I don't kiss and tell you what, tell us. I did hold off until the second day, you're like I held off for 24 hours and then it was go, can you please let me finish?

[00:17:02]

OK, so sex was great. It was amazing. Then he had to fly back to the East Coast. I was stuck in fucking Utah. So you can imagine how depressing that was.

[00:17:12]

And it was one of those things where I could not stop thinking about him. Yeah. And I started freaking out because I'm like, no, no, no. This is my husband. He doesn't know yet. But like, I really think this could be the one the love of my life then, you know, you're like he's like, oh, no. He felt it, too. Right. Right, right. Yeah. No, of course.

[00:17:31]

So anyway, so in the beginning when he flew back, we were texting, OK, and then obviously we stopped. Yes. And then what happened was a couple months would go by and then I would slide in or he would slide in and every time it was like we picked up right where we left off.

[00:17:51]

OK, beautiful. And the thing is, is that I did not see him for the next I think it was a year, maybe two years ago.

[00:18:01]

And he slid in one day and was like, hey, you're coming here to come visit me. I'm buying you a plane ticket. I hopped on a plane and went and spent the weekend with him. That is so but that's so good.

[00:18:13]

What I'm saying is we would only talk every few months. Yeah, I did not see him in person for a year to two years and we still like rekindled that old flame. That's so brilliant. So you little quarantine bitch is complaining about a few months ago I lived there. That's such a good fucking point, Sophia. Yeah. So you lived it. You breathed it. And there can be a fucking month. There can be two months. Yeah.

[00:18:36]

If they like you, you're going to be fine. You can slide the fuck back in.

[00:18:40]

And that I think I want to highlight because I think specifically during this time the alternative to disappearing for bits of time, it doesn't have to be as dramatic as it was, is talking to them every fucking day with nothing substantial to say. OK, what I've been noticing is right now, every single day is Groundhog Day.

[00:19:06]

Oh, it's so every single day. I can't stand to fucking look at you. I'm like, you look the same every day. We literally. No way. It's true, guys. It's like you're doing the same shit over and over right now.

[00:19:19]

And I can guarantee you motherfuckers that if you don't talk to these people for a month and then you pop the fuck back in and you ask them the same question that you asked them a month before, hey, what's up? They're going to give you the same fucking answer. They're sitting on the same couch cushions in the same bag of fucking Doritos, watching the same goddamn Netflix show. Yeah, they're not going anywhere. So you forcing dumb conversation every day.

[00:19:43]

Every day. It's it's dumb and it's diluting the relationship. Oh, diluting the relationship. That's what it is. I'm dealing with this right now.

[00:19:54]

I'm fucking you know, it's hard. It's right.

[00:19:58]

I mean, I know you're dealing with it because we're dealing with. Yes.

[00:20:02]

So I'm dealing with this right now. I am talking to this guy from L.A. and I don't really think I've talked about him on the podcast.

[00:20:10]

How do you keep track? No. Kansas guy. Canadian guy. California guy. Oh, Michigan guy. I know we bought an L.A. guy.

[00:20:20]

I know. So I have to say, I'm crushing on him hard. I he's like the I think my ideal man. Yes. I've already talked to you about this when we were drunk from the physical aspect to the personality, like he really is the full package and we're really vibing. And so I began talking to this guy and we were at that point where the next step was for me to get on a plane and go see him. Yeah, you were about to buy a ticket excuse.

[00:20:47]

He was about to buy a ticket and then quarantine hit, right? Oh, everything kind of got fucked up. And now where I'm at right now in quarantine is I'm just trying to figure out how to balance talking with him and then not overdoing it. So I want to kind of share my technique that Sophia and I have created for this.

[00:21:09]

But it's working.

[00:21:10]

It's working. So I am doing the pop in and pop out every few days. Techne, OK, I like that. So but only when I do pop in, I'm sending something of substance that's interesting and that warrants conversation. I'm not just texting this motherfucker. Hey, what's up?

[00:21:29]

Every morning.

[00:21:30]

Hey, I'm so glad you brought that up, because, listen, if you are a bad texter, I really need you to, like, look inward and realize not about yourself.

[00:21:42]

And if you are a bad texter, then you absolutely need to be.

[00:21:46]

The goes, yeah, you need to be using this little disappearing act totally and actually even if he is a bad texter, you should ghost. This is the thing is that generic conversations, you're going to end up shooting yourself in the foot and it really does take two to fucking tango, right? You guys both need to be interesting because that's a thing. And it's not like he doesn't like you or you don't like him if you're a bad texter.

[00:22:12]

There are people that are so good in person and shitty text. Yeah, maybe texting isn't his strong suit, but he's like a fucking animal in the sack. Yeah, great. Big. But either way, just disappear. Disappearing is better than having stupid conversation. I agree. And and I want to give you guys like concrete examples. So what I was saying was when I do decide to side in every few days, what I'm doing is I'm coming in with entertaining shit.

[00:22:39]

And what I mean by that is, for example, the other week, Sofia and I, we were playing Scrabble. I remember it and you and I had spelt out the words like sluts, like sex, you know, a classical or a guy classic call her daddy Scrabble board.

[00:22:56]

And so we were laughing our asses off. We were having fun. And so what I did is I took a picture of the board and those words and I came up with a funny joke and I sent it to him. And that was the joke I kind of forget. And then he ended up sending me back a picture of what he was doing. And it was a great conversation.

[00:23:15]

I'm pretty sure that you sent that picture with the joke to multiple men in your phone book.

[00:23:22]

Right. I remember I did do that, but I think that's more so. It just saved the brain power. There's only so much content that could go around these days. So you got it. You got to maximize it. Honestly, having people write, copy and paste that shit don't waste energy. That's another tip. Right? Right.

[00:23:39]

Do you make sure, however, to talk about what you guys are going to do when this whole quarantine is over?

[00:23:46]

It's a good one. Yeah. Just so that you're like putting that out into the universe and like, you don't have to be detailed. You can just say something simple, like, oh, my gosh, like when this is over, we better go for a walk on the water like Jesus, walk across that.

[00:24:03]

You never want him to talk to you again. You can say, I'm sorry, go ahead and say no, we're going to try that again.

[00:24:10]

OK, you you guys can come up with something better, but you get my bowling alley, babe.

[00:24:15]

You got my point. Yeah, I think that that is specifically smart in quarantine. If you have one conversation about that, it allows you then almost even more leeway once you do kind of disappear and fall back a little bit from them because it's like you let them know you're interested, post quarantine, hang out. But for right now, I'm not interested in having this conversation that is the same every day. Yes, I know that this is super hard right now because everyone is sitting at home bored.

[00:24:41]

Yeah. And so I get that.

[00:24:43]

But honestly, pick up a fucking hobby instead. You're fucking her pussy. You're fucking her pussy. You're like, don't come, don't come. Holy fuck.

[00:24:51]

It's coming, it's coming out like, love you. Come in here pussy. You come in or you get her pregnant, you end up with a kid you weren't even expecting and like that's fine. But the issue is, is that you came in fucking under thirty seconds. Right to shit. Right. Not with Roman swipes. Baby guy's clinically proven to make you last longer in bed. Plus they're effective, easy to use and fast acting and they don't require a prescription.

[00:25:13]

They also come in discreet unmarked packaging. So when you whip it out, you swipe it on your dick. She's not going to know what you're fucking up to. She doesn't know no one needs to know you and the bedroom and your dick and lasting longer. Yes. So you guys go to get roamin dot com slash daddy where you can get your first month of swipes for just five dollars when you choose a monthly plan that's got and dotcom slash daddy.

[00:25:37]

OK, all right.

[00:25:38]

We're moving on. We have a few tips. We're going to rattle them off. And these are good tips for good assholes for good. Ask people for good ass time in the good ass days.

[00:25:52]

The first tip, you got an iced tea, OK? Happens to all of us. Happens to the best of us. It really does no judgment here because, you know, it really happens to all of us.

[00:26:07]

So you get invested and you don't want your boyfriend or your girlfriend or the person you're just hooking up with to know that you either A, have an STD or B gave it to them.

[00:26:23]

Yes, in comes the threesome trick.

[00:26:29]

Everyone let that sink in for two seconds, threesome three, some menage a trois. Oh, I love that. Oh, we really hit him. Usually this is where I would say you're all swerving off the road, but no one's on the road. No, you swerved off the couch like. Oh, yeah, that's right.

[00:26:46]

The threesome tip. Listen, motherfuckers, this is the thing. And it's beautiful. And we always say it's OK to lie. It's OK to manipulate here on this podcast. Are you the one in your life getting financed or refinancing? People call her daddy. We're financing.

[00:26:58]

So what you're going to do is all of a sudden when you find out you have that CD, you're going to go, babe. Something just came over me. Yeah, we got to have a threesome. I want a threesome and I want it now and I want it tonight. Yep.

[00:27:12]

Because God forbid, you go and fuck him and then he fucking goes and gets tested for some reason. He has chlamydia. It's on you. But when you bring that thirdhand, what happens. Oh, you got to blame. All right. This is on that third party that you invited is so fucked up.

[00:27:29]

And this is the thing. People are like this is so over the top. I mean, call her daddy, like, really back in. But let me phrase it this way. You decided to do a little cheat Scootin Boogie and you cheated on your boyfriend.

[00:27:46]

No, please. Listen, Chaske. And you cheated on your boyfriend and you got the clap.

[00:27:54]

What's worse, you having a little threesome with your boyfriend and then blaming it on the home or you having to go to your boyfriend and say, hey, I cheated on you and I gave you an STD.

[00:28:07]

I'm a go ahead and say threesome up in this bed, up in this bitch. And this is the beauty. I can see people being like, but I don't want to normalize threesomes. I don't want them to think I'm going to do that all the time. That's fine. This is a perfect in and out move right here. You throw you you you throw the pussy, you get the three sub and you throw the two pussies at him. And then once you guys find out that she gave you guys both an STD, you say we're never having a threesome again.

[00:28:43]

Fuck that. Fuck this. Never mind. That was too risky. Back to the two of us. Lock the door, guys. No one's ever allowed back in the bedroom. Guys, you can back pedal after three. Yeah, but what you can I like backpedal after he finds out that you gave him fucking chlamydia. No. All right.

[00:28:57]

There's a couple things with it. OK, yes. So if it's a very serious us, he'd like a life. Yeah. If you're fucking with, like, HIV this, I'm going to go ahead and say absolutely not.

[00:29:08]

Don't do this shit you can solve with like a pill and shit. Yeah. The minor SCD. Yeah. Second thing, some of you might have to do a threesome that night. OK, you've been holding out sex for two weeks because you're like oh my God, I am about to give him HPV or whatever it is.

[00:29:26]

Right, right, right. So you have to hire an escort. Yeah. Like it's the only way. The only way. Yeah.

[00:29:33]

That's how you're going to get a last minute girl to come up or a guy pick your poison.

[00:29:37]

You could do a threesome with two girls. Two guys.

[00:29:39]

Would I really like your boyfriend. Might be like, hey, I think we got to wrap it up and use a condom. Respectable guy retrospective. Yes, but that totally fucks your plan up.

[00:29:52]

But you what do you do? Let me just say something.

[00:29:55]

A guy is never as vulnerable. Alex, you can agree with me on this as when he is hard and he is horny and he is about to ejaculate. So he is never as vulnerable as ever.

[00:30:09]

You quickly whip off the condom and fucking slam your pussy onto the deck.

[00:30:16]

It's like whack a mole, but with your vagina and his dick is the mole.

[00:30:21]

You're like that.

[00:30:21]

Look, you go right, you swipe up the kind of you pop down and then you put her on his dick and then he doesn't know and he either won't know or if if there's no way you can get away with that.

[00:30:34]

Right. OK, and you're not as smooth as some of the rest of us, slick and smooth like us, then what you can do is and this is so fucking easy because I know every guy I've ever hooked up with would fall for this. OK, babe, babe, her pussy feels so fucking good, you could be fingering her pussy. Yeah. Great. It feels so good. I want you to feel her. And then you could even turn to the bitch and be like, I want you with your mouth to take his condom off, turn it into sexual foreplay, turn it into something sexy mind.

[00:31:08]

He is ripping the condom off and cutting it up and blowing it up like a balloon and flicking it out of the window. And while there you go, you all got chlamydia and you gave it to who? We don't know. And it's not on you anymore. And the whole thing is done. So that's just like a little that's just like a little tip that we wanted to give you guys know.

[00:31:29]

But like actually straight up, if you are really scared to throw a threesome at your boyfriend or girlfriend. Yeah. And then boom. Who. Right.

[00:31:35]

And you blame it on third down or if you're like newly talking to someone telling him that you got an SUV from Dirty Dick or Dirty Vagina a month into like dating, that's not a good look. You know what is a great look? Threesome, Bill, show him you're a kinky bitch.

[00:31:50]

Show him what you got. OK, next, let's talk about facials. Yeah, I have a lot of bitches in the dorms.

[00:31:56]

Hey, girl, girl.

[00:31:59]

Wondering how exactly can you tell us what my face is the. To look like at my body is supposed to look like when I'm getting a facial. How do I receive a facial in the best way possible?

[00:32:11]

And it's and I respect you all for really wanting to give your man that show. So here we are. He's jacking off or you're sucking his dick, whatever the fuck it is, he's about to give you a facial.

[00:32:20]

Yeah, I want to make sure everyone understands. Open your mouth. When a man is going to come on your face, you open your mouth. You want to make him think that you are hoping that you get a at all ice cream. You want that fucking good ass milk. Yes. No, you want it, OK. The second part is that I suggest you put your tongue out. How far is up to you? I personally just kind of have it cover my bottom lip a little bit.

[00:32:52]

Like I only put it out a little bit. Right. I'm not. Do you have a wagging tongue? No, not the wagging peace sign. Like, yo, what's up? I'm in seventh grade again.

[00:33:00]

But you could I also it depends what you where you are if you're on the ground or whatnot, but what you're going to do with your hands is up to you. Push your tits together. You could take your hands and like kind of pull your hair back.

[00:33:14]

You could lean back on your head superhot. So then what you're going to do is close your eyes, close your eyes. And now you're all wondering. But when I'm pretty sure it's pretty like you can see when a man is about to go, you know, when he's about, you know, there's pulsating in the dick.

[00:33:32]

Moaning is getting a little more intense. The minute you think he's about to come, close your eyes. Yeah. And a lot of guys will announce. Yeah, I'm about to. Yeah. And I think that thing that some girls are super self-conscious about is like looking down. They're like, wait, so I'm putting my tongue out, I'm closing my eyes and I'm under his dick looking up and just going like I like also girls make that noise.

[00:33:54]

OK, hot. Let me ask you this. What would you rather Gogol's or what would you rather you sit there with your mouth closed, eyes blinking, just waiting. You're in the hands of the fucking eyeball? I don't think so. No, I don't think so. So you guys mouth open tongue. Our eyes are open until you feel he's about to come in, then you close them. Yeah. The thing is, is like go watch porn.

[00:34:16]

If you're at all confused, it's going to be a way more intense version. A lot of them are going to keep their eyes open because these are professionals. They want to risk it.

[00:34:25]

But girls, you will never look more beautiful to a man when his cum is glazed over your face.

[00:34:32]

Right. Don't you? Krispy Kreme Krispy, the way you feel about that doughnut is how he feels about you. And then once he's finished, take your fingers and wipe that come up, put it in your mouth, let him look at you, and then you can go take care of yourself. Yeah, I, I think sometimes girls are like, well, is he supposed to shoot it into my mouth or is he supposed to shoot it on to my four head.

[00:34:56]

It's all over. All over. And you're just hoping that a little drip goes into your mouth. That's what it should look like. Yeah, I know.

[00:35:03]

That's it. That's tip number three. Tip number, mother. And this is going to help you spice things up during Korona. If you're already in, like the sexting game with this guy, there is this thing that you can do and it does not involve your vagina, your tits or your asshole of it.

[00:35:20]

You guys are like, what in the world? What could it involve? It involves your fingers. Let me explain.

[00:35:28]

OK, you sending a video to a guy, a quick little clip of you licking your fingers and sucking on them like you are just imagining it's a dick is going to put him over the edge, right over the way that I've done this.

[00:35:44]

Well, I'm like thinking about it. And I sent a video like this pretty early on with man, we're.

[00:35:50]

And I like that. Wow. That's how we look.

[00:35:54]

How I've done it is I will grab two fingers again. This is like get creative. I know some girls. Maybe you want to stick your whole fist in your mouth, let them know you can take it to the right. For me personally, I like to do the two fingers. I take the pointer finger and the middle finger and I'll hold them up and there will be like a little slit in between like read between the lines, bitch.

[00:36:15]

Got it.

[00:36:16]

And I will lick up the middle so you can kind of see my tongue poking out and then I will go back down onto both of my fingers with my entire mouth like it's a blowjob and then suck it back up.

[00:36:30]

Usually you're going to want to make sure your fingers are wet before this.

[00:36:33]

Yeah. For example, if you want to kind of ease your way into this or come up with a reason why you're sending this video, what you can say is, baby, I've been thinking about you and I've gotten so wet and I'm going to lick my wetness off my fingers, I want to show you. So something like something like send the video, make him fall in love, make and fall in love. Korona Love maybe fall in love, baby, baby by foot.

[00:37:00]

Magavern Love baby baby one to one leg the fingers. OK, there you go. I think that's so fucking smart, Sophia, and I appreciate you and I don't think it's very common for girls to do it so yourself either.

[00:37:12]

But try really hard to make sure that your fingers are wet. And I do. And another tip last for this one is I think sometimes girls get in their heads. It's kind of similar to the facial thing, taking a video, sucking your fingers. My biggest suggestion is we always say fake it till you make it. But in these situations you can. But. If you can actually be, like, genuinely turned on, yeah, that will show through in this video and in your facial expression.

[00:37:46]

So if you're getting a facial and you need to be rubbing your clit or if you're licking your fingers and you need to be masturbating. Right. It's like method acting. Method acting. I mean, the Joker.

[00:37:58]

OK, here we go. Yes. Joaquin Phoenix. Yes. He fucking got into that character so hardcore. He said he went a little crazy. Yeah.

[00:38:08]

This is where you channel your inner porn star and make yourself believe only that your fingers are a day.

[00:38:18]

You know what I mean? Yes. Because it will play off differently if you're looking at it like that. And I think that's brilliant. Even if you are a Mary Beth, if you're a sweetheart, you can still turn out and be a freak on your fingers. Yeah, you know what I mean. You just believing is seeing kind of like the Santa, the, you know, Santa Ana winds and Santa Claus.

[00:38:37]

Anyways, moving on.

[00:38:39]

OK, guys, this is I'm excited. Our last tip and this is the biggest one we saved the best for last. This is a big, fat, huge reminder for you all that you are just a hole at the end of the day you are just a hole. That sounds harsh, but you are just a hole specifically your three. You are just three holes. And he's trying to figure out which one to put it. And we've said it once and I'll say it again.

[00:39:10]

Why are we bring this up, Sophia? I would say the majority of submissions we get from Daddy Gang are from a girl saying, my fuck boy is just using me for sex right now. How do I make him want to wife me up? And the thing is, you don't. You don't. You don't.

[00:39:32]

Why are we get what have have we taught you? Nothing. Have we taught you enough guys. You don't. You don't. And if you want him to, if there's any hope, you got to even also act like you don't want him to. Thank you. If you're acting like you want your if you have the mentality that you want your fuck boy to wipe you up, you are trash, you are nothing. Get your fucking head.

[00:39:52]

Guys, this was kind of also brought up because on top of Daddy being writing in, Sofia and I were watching a reality television show, Vanderpump Rules.

[00:40:02]

Yes. I want this is a little homework for you guys. All right.

[00:40:06]

You guys are going to go to season eight of Vanderpump Rules and you are going to watch the first two episodes in the season, episode one in Episode two of these name. And you are going to specifically focus on this girl named Sheena Shay Sheena. She is the definition of everything we do not want you to do here on call is the definition of a walking hole pretending she's not a walking home.

[00:40:30]

Yes, OK, that's little. Yeah. Shiina, in her mind believes every word that every fuck boy says, and then when they fuck her over, she's the girl that shows up at the bar crying, saying, Yeah, Jeffrey, what?

[00:40:43]

But you said that you love me.

[00:40:46]

He wanted to fuck you and he wanted to fuck you. Right. And then you got annoying as fuck and you got clingy and you got in your mindset that you thought that you that he owed you anything other than Dick. So much so that the guys, when the cameras are turned to them and she's not there, they're all talking about how she's a stage five clean klingner. OK, can you imagine if you were being called a stage by Clinger that should be your goal in life to ensure that you are never called that?

[00:41:09]

Because I think of men that could be maybe possibly the worst fucking insult. And listen, we're talking about Sheena Shay. We're talking about the daddy game. I, I, I have forgotten my place in this world as a whole.

[00:41:24]

Absolutely. I dunno. I've been in a situation where I've tried to convince myself that the relationship was something more than it was. I've done it. Alex has done it. We've all done it. Yeah, but the sooner that you can accept that you're just a hole, the quicker you can move on to a guy.

[00:41:41]

This is me being honest. Yeah.

[00:41:42]

A guy that will see you as a hole with a face. A hole with a face like you. It's so fucked up, but it's so also poetic and beautiful. You're like he may see you have a face. Holy shit. A glorious day for all of us. Daddy gang. Yes. It's so fucking true, guys. One of the scenes in the fucking show, this guy that was is a complete fuck boy fucks like the entire staff at the restaurant.

[00:42:11]

They all work out. She got she got emotional and she believed all of the sweet nothings he was whispering. Right. I, I just care so much about rage on in the scene. She's she pulled up the text messages and started reading them back that she's like, but you said this. Yeah. And he literally is like, no, I didn't. Yeah. She starts reading a fuck boy the things that he was saying. And you almost want to shake the girl and be like he said he liked you because he wanted to fuck you.

[00:42:44]

You explain that a little more. Yes.

[00:42:47]

What happens is this guy starts texting you stuff like I've been thinking about you all day. I can't stop think you're different. You're different than all the other girls. You're beautiful. I just. Why, Michelle, I miss I miss you. I love just laying and chilling with you like you're such a chill, fun girl.

[00:43:07]

And then what happens is these girls take comments like that and think that there is all of a sudden a future. And unfortunately, what it is, is it's them wanting to fuck your pussy, fuck your pussy. That's literally that's it. Guys will say anything to get in a girl's pants.

[00:43:26]

MILF Hunter has literally told us in the the MILF Hunter episode, we go, OK, what if a girl says that she loves you and he's like I say, I love her, right.

[00:43:36]

And we're like, what? He's like, yeah, I'm not ready to lose the pussy. I'll say whatever I need to to ensure that I got the pussy. These men are throwing around the lovey men are only willing. To lose pussy on their terms, and so they are going to continue to say whatever the fuck they want in order to keep fucking you.

[00:43:53]

And it is your job to make sure that every single thing that man says to you goes in one ear and out the other. Selective hearing, but selective hearing. Guys, I'm not kidding. Like, until this guy sits you down and is like, I want you to be my girlfriend. Yeah, I want to be exclusive. I want us to be in a committed relationship. You got to let everything else he says go in one ear and out the.

[00:44:22]

Absolutely, I. I think that especially in quarantine, I've been seeing bitches writing in like it's just so annoying. He only answers me when, like, I send him something sexual. If you can't get a fuckin text back in quarantine, you are not shit your bottom of a motherfucking barrel. You're like, oh you half a quarter of one. I'm going to just be very open and vulnerable and honest here because this is what we do here on Call her daddy when I was a sophomore at Boston University.

[00:44:53]

Here we go. Here we go. Here she goes. I've never I think I've heard this story said, you know. Oh, because it's so fucking good. Not fully recovered. Oh, no. Well, you know what it is? You and I want everyone.

[00:45:05]

It is good to encounter a fuck. It is because and there's a lot of times you can encounter them, but there will always be that one that literally change the trajectory of how you look at men. And sometimes you need that to wake you the way you do.

[00:45:21]

So I was a sophomore and I started dating a Red Sox player that was thirteen years older than me, thirteen years older than little sophomore Alex.

[00:45:35]

And I thought I had it all in my mind.

[00:45:39]

We were together living and loving and cherishing.

[00:45:43]

You were together every other Tuesday. I'm sorry. Pathetic.

[00:45:47]

He was a professional baseball player on the Red Sox. And you were a sophomore in college and you thought. I thought that you guys were something I had, not something I had nothing. This is the thing. Like, I remember that experience. One I understand. Like, it's hard sometimes as women, especially how emotional we can be. Like, yeah, when you are infatuated with the boy, it's really hard to fucking see shit you've blinders on.

[00:46:13]

Yeah. And I have been there and Sophie and I are not better than any you know, we have done is we've learned from our experiences and that's why we have this. Cause I remember her with my fuck boy. Yeah. I was the girl he would text every time he broke up with his girl.

[00:46:29]

Oh. Like I would literally just be there waiting and you that behind his house.

[00:46:37]

And I just remember I really believed I was like, oh, but one of these times I'll be the girlfriend. I just know it. You're like, it's coming. And it's like my day. He he's made seven girls, his girlfriend and not you. So that's probably not going through your fucking head out. Yeah. And at the end of the day until he looks you in the face. Yeah. And he says be my wife, be my wife, be my let's ok.

[00:47:07]

We can dumb it down a little bit. My girlfriend. Yeah. And when I say that I need you to you need to be badgered about please be my girlfriend.

[00:47:16]

It needs to be the tenth time you've asked me if you really fucking means it. Yeah.

[00:47:21]

If he's going to work a little for last thing I'm going to say sometimes you just got to take the L and move on, take the loss, move on. Because a lot of times two with fuck boys, if you disappear your chances of the fuck boy coming back around are way fucking higher than you being the annoying us cunt that fucking leave aside. And he's like, Jesus Christ, I could run this bitch over and she beat, but I still love you.

[00:47:43]

Isn't that right, Johnny? No. Johnny too. She's fucking hates you. Yes. We don't want to give you guys false hope, but if you want even a fucking fighting chance, then you got to disappear. Goes down temporarily. Take the el. All right.

[00:47:58]

Let's get into a little. A little. We're going to take a trip to France. We're going to do a little thing.

[00:48:05]

I like to go. Is Jules oh, the way like questions of the wine bar.

[00:48:12]

Oh oh oh oh. The questions of the motherfucking awake. OK, OK, here we go.

[00:48:22]

This one. I'm going to kick it off. Oh I thought oh God.

[00:48:28]

OK, Daddy's I thought this is just a quick little hack for girls in quarantine. I thought this was cute and I think I've done this before. She said sometimes on days where I feel like my body looks great, I'll just grab some of my hottest underwear and bras and stuff like that, and I'll take pictures and each combination of the lingerie. For just cute little outfits that look good together, and then I'm set for pictures for weeks during quarantine, I think that's so brilliant.

[00:48:56]

I have been so mad at myself at times.

[00:48:59]

If, like, I got a good spray tan, I got my hair done, I'm like, why the fuck was nice in my laundry taking pics so that when he slides in at two a.m. and you're sexting and you're ready to send him a picture and you look like a fucking degenerate discussed, yet you could just go back to that.

[00:49:16]

So I think that's a really good idea.

[00:49:17]

If you especially in quarantine, if you guys are broad, right. Pick one day right now, a lot of us have a ton of time on our hands where we're just sitting in our rooms. I have a little photo shoot. Yeah, that is such a good subject. Yeah.

[00:49:30]

Stock up greeting Poppy's. I need some advice on dealing with ego issues. I guess my ex and I broke up after two years in December. The breakup was amicable and if anything I wanted it more. I heard you started dating someone new at the beginning of the year and was happy for him. However, I just found out he's quarantining with this new lady because he posted a picture of them both together and she is a knockout. Ten out of ten Victoria's Secret looking bitch.

[00:50:03]

I got so jealous and instantly obviously hated her. How do I deal things? Oh, OK.

[00:50:09]

Really tough. When you break up with someone, I think that you should unfollow them.

[00:50:16]

I agree so that you don't even need to worry about something like this happening out of sight, out of mind. And obviously that for some reason, because I know some people that would create a lot of drama, you can mute people's posts and stories. OK, never see their shit, really.

[00:50:31]

So you need to be doing that at least. Yes. Then on the flip side, because I don't want to be a complete hypocrite. Alex and I both have been there where not only do we still follow them, but we go and look for the new girls that they're dating up. I've done that before and you just gotta be ready for something like this, because if she went and looked at this girl and this girl would have been busted as fuck, would you care?

[00:50:57]

Would you laugh? You would laugh.

[00:50:59]

You would feel better, that you would feel better about it just because she's fucking hot and it's. Yes.

[00:51:03]

And I mean also girly you this is very superficial.

[00:51:09]

So what he's with like a super hot girl, if it makes you feel better, convince yourself that she sucks and bad and she's an idiot, boring as fuck. And also everyone in fucking quarantine right now, if they're quarantining with someone that they're not, like, fully in love with, I'm sure that relationship is going to end because they're going to break up. Yeah, they'll be bored. And also you to just think about it like you know him so well, you know what that girl is getting from him and it wasn't enough for you.

[00:51:36]

So it's probably who cares what she's getting? It wasn't enough for you. And like, that's that. Yeah. And you got to just like on that and like go focus on yourself. But I get it. I fucking go to restock like motherfuckers and it can hurt. And then you honestly talk the way Sofia and I talk about it. Find a friend that will let you just fucking talk about it into the ground. Yeah. And then you got to move on.

[00:51:57]

Yes.

[00:51:58]

Yeah. Hi Daddy gang. So I have a new haak for the ladies. If you're insecure about the way you taste when a guy is going down on you or want to taste more sweet, there is these vaginalis melt that you insert inside of you and they melt and leave your vagina smelling and tasting great for hours.

[00:52:17]

It also gives you lubrication from the oils. The website is called Family Family and they have so many flavors to choose from because you spell that f e m a l l a y.

[00:52:32]

So I looked up this website because I was like, oh, this actually sounds fucking cool because who doesn't want their fucking Pussy Riot?

[00:52:38]

Amazing. And it gives you lubrication, right. I read reviews, obviously, I was like nervous because I'm like, is this a fucking gyno meeting waiting to happen?

[00:52:50]

Because I get like that's what I was going to say. I read as many reviews as I could and a lot a majority of them were positive people being like, holy shit, my vagina was like so wet and smelled great, tasted great.

[00:53:05]

OK, so I'm going to try this. I'm going to go buy into I literally have it on my computer and I want to go buy it. The reason I love this is because I've heard of putting stuff on the outside to make it taste good. This straightup goes in the English inside and it melts out. So you guys have to like lay on your bed and it's almost like, yeah, you're just waiting for it. And then you do it like a little bit before your dick appointment.

[00:53:27]

Yeah. The night before. And then you go in there and it's lubed up and it fucking smells great.

[00:53:31]

I mean it's amazing.

[00:53:33]

OK, this is so smart.

[00:53:38]

OK, men need to listen. OK, this girl wrote and said hi. Daddy's just wanted to say that as a single girl swiping on Tinder, when a guy stands next to a taller guy in one of the pictures, it makes him look short. It doesn't matter if he's six one and the other guy is six seven, the six. One guy still looks shorter and it's not attractive. I've swiped left on multiple guys after thinking their face is Rikyu because I was afraid they would be shorter than me.

[00:54:10]

Just me. Love the podcast. Keep being sexy and amazing lady.

[00:54:14]

Brilliant. Brilliant. If you happen to me the other day, right.

[00:54:18]

Even if you're a short guy or a tall guy, it's all about ratio and do not stand next to your fucking basketball player friend. Dude, we literally said it to girls on the other end. Like, don't fucking stand next to your friend. That looks like Megan Fox and you look like a troll under a bridge. Yes. Maybe pick an uglier friend or just buy your fucking self. Yes. Guys, it's so funny you brought this up.

[00:54:41]

I was on the dating app the other day and I get this guy's first picture was him and he looked really cute. He was a hockey player. No fucking shocker there. Click on to the next picture. He's walking down the rink hallway and there's two of his teammates with him and oh, now my favorite Nick.

[00:55:03]

And I'm like, hold on. This is like he's social.

[00:55:05]

And again, there's nothing short with there's nothing wrong. There's nothing short with short guys. There's nothing wrong with short guys.

[00:55:11]

The issue is, is it's not making you look manly, manly and masculine. Like, why are you picking a picture of you that you look like the little guy? I mean, come on.

[00:55:22]

When you're on a dating app, it's all superficial at first and put your best foot forward. Yeah, OK. I agree. Just that is a good tip for guys, not just us being on it. Yeah. There's absolutely nothing fucking wrong with short guy. Just don't overemphasize. Right. It's just that would just be linear. And if you're six one you're going to look like you're five five. Right. You're standing next to like, you know, that's a good LeBron James, right.

[00:55:46]

Boom. Hi, fathers. This question is honestly so gross, but I desperately need an answer. I spend the night at my boyfriend's house at least five to seven days a week, and I practically live there. Usually if I really need to go the bathroom, I just go back to my apartment and make an excuse. However, there's times where I just can't specifically, obviously in quarantine. This is usually not something I'm too embarrassed about. But because we have been together for so long, when it's the day after drinking or even worse, I'm on my period.

[00:56:22]

We know how bad that can be.

[00:56:23]

Well, there's no way around it. I know everyone shits and it's not a huge deal, but I lokke you want to die whenever I have to go at his house, I just don't know what to do. Can I get your guys thoughts? How do you go about this.

[00:56:36]

Oh, we love we've talked about the infamous poo situation at males places, but I can imagine never gets any easier and it post drinking.

[00:56:46]

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So I'm not kidding you. We've, we've talked about it. They should fucking sponsor us. The pooper spray. Yes. I actually ordered some off Amazon that are many purse sized ones. Yeah. I go visit a guy when I tell you they were smell it smells like a flower, full flower, lemon scent and obviously girl I mean like haven't we've said like well fuck what if they're like why does it smell. Which would you rather him smell lemons or your shit.

[00:57:16]

Yeah. And we'll leave that up to you. That's up. I'm a go ahead and say a little strawberry fragrance. Yeah.

[00:57:22]

Cuter than a little bit of diarrhea and and you got to just be patient because what you're supposed to do is spray it into the toilet before you drop it and then spray off. Right. I mean, listen, especially opposed drinking. I like to call it the the code red. Rumble, the code Red Bull, the code red rumble is something that it doesn't matter if you're trying for dear life to hold that in. When you got to go, you got to go.

[00:57:52]

And if you've got this recipe is done, if you've got to spray, swear to God you won't you won't have anxiety and maybe turn the sink on. My friend was telling me that she will light a match.

[00:58:03]

I think that's all that completely gets rid of the smell. And I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, that is you're asking him to be like, were you burning something in the bath? Were you lighting up in the bathroom without me? You're like, Yeah, I need to get so fucking high before I fuck you because. My God, yeah. OK, we love you, Daddy. We feel for you. Thank God. I'm just with Sophia in here, OK, but I'm not thankful.

[00:58:24]

Not right. Rumball, Code Red, Rumball. I've been meaning to talk to you. OK.

[00:58:29]

All right Daddy. Oh my gosh. So go follow us on Instagram.

[00:58:35]

So Fionan, Franklin or the WI Alexandra Cooper, you heard the beginning of the episode and we just tune in next.

[00:58:46]

Yeah. Tune in next week. That's it. That's it. That's it. We love you. Tune in next week. We fucking love you guys.

[00:58:51]

The fathers were out by just.