Transcribe your podcast
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Honey, baby, oh, honey, bitches, are you sick of that? Yeah, I don't fucking care, guys call her daddy's presenting sponsor is honey, you know the motherfucking drill. We all like online shopping, clothing, accessories, food, whatever it is. When you are online shopping guys, honey is free, you download it to your computer. It's an online browser extension. And then every single time you guys go to check out with whatever you're shopping for, honey will drop down automatically and be like, hey, do you want me to apply these three coupons that will save you twenty dollars?

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And then if you're not a weirdo, you're going to be like, absolutely, thank you. And a baby. So guys, you guys should download. Honey, if you're not, you're literally just passing up free money because it's free. You download it, it takes like ten seconds and then it's just on your computer and for the rest of your life, you're just going to save money. Even when you forget to do that, it doesn't forget you and it just fucking automatically pops up and it's like bing, bang, bang, save this amount of money.

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Do you call him daddy? Do I call her daddy. Call her daddy.

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Oh, baby, what the fuck is up weener hold it. Is your father back. Oh dear God.

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For another episode of Call her daddy. It is Alex Cooper. I yes am hung over. Thank you for asking.

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I have been drinking a little too much in the past few months of quarantine and I think that's probably something I was going to say hopefully everyone can relate to.

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But I also know the daddy game. You guys like who am I kidding?

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You guys tag me in your fucking stories on Instagram and I'm like watching you guys get absolutely fucking hammered in your living rooms by yourselves. I'm like, that is my game.

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Hello. Here's just like a little food for thought. Come for throat. Oh Czinger come for a throw.

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That's the new food for thought. Come for throw. I want you to all pause for a minute because I was having this introspective moment and I want you all to share this with me.

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What is going on. Did summer even happen. Hey guys, did anyone enjoy a summer. Just does everyone take a minute. I feel like I blacked out and I woke up and walking down the street and I see fucking Halloween costumes and Halloween decorations and I'm like, in what world are we? Because I miss the part where, like, I went to a beach, you know? I mean, like it was like everyone went like once maybe or not even.

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And then it was like, get the fuck back inside because you probably have grown up. So it's kind of depressing. And I'm staring out the Halloween shit and I'm just realizing every holiday is about to go past us. Like Halloween is about to show up. Oh, let me guess what I'm going to be doing for Halloween. I'm going to be dressed up like a motherfucking cornucopia sitting in my living room, all my cum stained couch by myself.

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What, live streaming a Halloween party? I don't think so. That doesn't sound too appealing to me. I don't know.

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I just like I'm kind of having, like, a fucking mental breakdown over here. And I assume other people can relate. It's just such a weird fucking time in the world because it was just summer, but it wasn't. We all blacked out and now we're hitting a period of time like September. Everyone's supposed to be going back to school, like back to school shopping and going to college. Like younger daddy gang is like getting into school. That's not fucking fun right now if you're in college.

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I am so fucking sorry. Like in how are you supposed to go to the bar and get fingered under the fucking table and like flirt with the seniors? Like you have a mask on. And then I'm over here in New York and it's like people are supposed to be coming back from the Hamptons and like going back to their day jobs at the office. And it's just a little terrifying. I don't want to start bawling my eyes out on this comedy podcast, but I'm not going to lie.

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I think I'm going to kind of fucking miss seeing bitches, like, with their stupid pumpkin spice latte. Am I going to miss seeing girls in their infinity's cars? Am I going to miss the tie and the skirt ratio in the girls, in the pumpkin patches, in the fucking Christmas photos and Santa? It is scary. I'm freaking the fuck out over here and New York is fucking depressing. Don't think for a second that I haven't been mental breakdown 24/7 to my therapist being like, what do I do when it comes winter?

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She's like, everything's going to be fine. I'm like, stop lying to my face. I pay you for a reason. Be honest. She's like, no, it's like nothing is fine. Think about me in my apartment, big, small, whatever it is by myself living alone in the wintertime in New York City, I cannot go outside. OK, and listen, I honestly know so many people have so much fucking worse than me, but like, let me just go here for a minute, because I know everyone else must be freaking the fuck out like this shit is not good.

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This is not normal. We don't like this. And I want life to go back to normal. I am begging it to go back to normal. And I know I think that's why I'm freaking out even more. And I think everyone can relate.

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It's like it's not going to go back to normal. And like we are now having to enter an era where, like, there is not a catfish anymore. It's a Moskvitch I was thinking about the other day. My friend Little said she goes to Target. She's flirting with this guy socially distance. Of course, they have their masks on. He accidentally kind of brushes near his ear, mask pops down. He has no two front teeth. And that's not a fucking lie in Target.

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Obviously, I don't know if you should, like, pick up your lover and target, but moral of the story is you don't even know anymore. We don't know what's going on in the world. We don't know what's going on behind masks.

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I'm fine. I'm sorry. I'm freaking the fuck out. But like so many people had plans, the amount of people that were going to have weddings and know they're having them in their fucking backyards. If I were like, I just don't know. I don't know personally for me if I would postpone it until I was able to have like a normal wedding. But also, do you if you were a backyard and like you had your wedding, like that shit slaps, I guess, to like, what else are you going to do?

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You know what I mean? It's also fucking weird because last week I casually dropped like, yeah, I'm trying to be healthy. And all of you were like, wow, like we're so excited for you. And here's the thing. At the beginning of quarantine, motherfuckers, you remember I was like, everybody, listen up, stock up your fridges and stock up your fucking rosters, you whores. Quarantine is coming and we need a bunch of texting buddies and people to just, like, keep us from boredom.

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Now, it's seven months later, and it's been a hell of a grueling seven months, to say the least. But I did come to the realization during that time, and I'm like most of the men that I was entertaining on that godforsaken roster. How many times and I ask you, Daddy gang, look in looking because I know I encourage you to have a roster, but now I'm asking you, how many fucking times can our assholes round off back Handspring and put the fucking pussy down on the iPhone screen for some nasty old face time sex with a body that you don't have any fucking feelings for?

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Shocking that this is coming out of my mouth. Yes, but I'm at the point in my life, especially in quarantine, where I'm like, I need a little bit of zest. I need a little bit of that. And if I'm saying this as feelings, I don't give a fuck. That's feelings. Same fucking thing. I finally just heard it getting fucking bored of entertaining bodies. And I was like, if you disappeared tomorrow, Casper the Ghost, I wouldn't even fucking blink.

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I wouldn't even probably realize.

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And so I snapped. I cracked. I cracked. What does that mean, girls? Gretchen Wiener's. I cracked. And I'll never forget the day when this all, like, hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't like a gradual process. It was one of those things where I woke up one morning.

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I was like, I am disgusted. I need to throw out every single fucking person on that roster. And I had therapy that day and I looked my therapist dead in the fucking eyes over Zoome, of course.

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And I was like, therapist, woman what's their name. Therapy. Woman I feel empty. I literally feel empty and I'm bored. And then the wise ass that she is, she came back at me and she hits me where it fucking hurts. She's like, Alex, why don't you have someone fill you up? I'm like, listen, I am on birth control, but sometimes I get worried about them coming inside me, just like Alex.

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Emotionally, I'm like, Oh, no, but I gave it a go. Sue me. Alex, you're giving it a go Z. Yes, shut up. OK, I'm trying it. I'm giving it a go. And currently right now or for the past few months, I have been pouring OK and pouring because it is a fucking journey. I have been pouring health into two specific relationships right now. I've talked about both of these men and their characters on the show before.

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They're both in their 30s. And and let me just tell you, folks, life as we know it is changing because I can sit here and I can get dark and I can get scary and I can manipulate and block and leave unread and manifest true psychotic games that will definitely shake a man to his fucking core in a way that I used to want the results wise as like, yes, that's exactly what I wanted.

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I wanted him to quake. I wanted him to quake. But when you are trying to currently, as I am, not only try to be healthy, but also engage in semi help in the 30 year old bracket, OK? There's this little beautiful saying, and it's no your audience. Alex, what do you mean we're your audience? Know the people I'm dating, I need to know my audience. The college playbook isn't fucking slapping anymore from you folks, because when I'm fucking around with these 30 year olds and oh, it's great they've got the jobs and the security and all the things, but the games don't work.

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And so, for example, if I'm like blocking him in the middle of conversations while he's fucking typing, he's going to think it's a he's going to think it's a technical difficulty. He's not even going to realize he was just blocked. Like the times change, depending on what kind of person you're talking to. The Dark Truth Yang is like, this is not an overnight process. I can't just wake up and flip the switch and be like I'm healthy.

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You have 80 plus episodes of me being like you block you cheat, you fuck his dad. It's not going to all of a sudden me be like, and now we're processing down the aisle and I'm in my wedding gown. So I'm happy that I can bring you guys on this new adventure with me. But I'm not going to lie and be like, oh, this is super easy. Like, here you go. Here's a beautiful example.

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I'm in L.A. I'm on a dinner date. Everything is fine. I am pure hell, OK? Unwell starts to kick in, the brain starts to turn. He's saying all these things. He's too complimentary. He's being so generous. He's paying for everything. He's treating me like a princess. He's talking about the future. He's making plans. And right in that very moment, I look him dead in the eye.

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And I was like, I want you to tell me every single girl you've ever dated, and I want you to show me a picture of every single one of them on Instagram right now.

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It's like, oh, this is before we even get a cocktail on the table both. And he's like, what? He's like, I'm sorry. Did you just I'm like, I blacked out, but it doesn't change the facts. Show me the fucking pictures and hand the phone. And then after and when I tell you that he gave this man proceeds to show me all seven of his serious girlfriends through his life. And I'm sitting there also. Seven is kind of a lot.

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That's a hefty roster. Hold on. Note to self ask about the amount because that seems OK. So he does proceed to show me up. I told my mom this and she just kind of like blankly stared at me. I kept this off of the therapy. I didn't tell my therapist because I knew she'd be like, no, Alex, that's weird. I'm like, no, it's information because you know what that is, that's healthy. Where I now don't have to go put myself through work to do the research, to get on the fake account and to look and to stalk and to pile through.

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It was nice. I was up front. I told him what I wanted and he fucking gave it to me. This episode has turned so fast. No, but so he shows me all of his ex-girlfriends and then right after he's like, OK, so like now like tell me all of yours and like tell me every guy that you've ever dated. And I completely disregard everything he said. I look at him as if he's speaking Chinese to me and I look away and I said, what are we going to get to drink, baby?

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And he lets it go. You gotta have occasional occasional psychosis. And then for the rest of the night, this bitch was just health. So so what I'm saying right now is, I don't know, I think that you can't just wake up one day and be Mary Mary, the mother of Jesus. You have to occasionally be Mary Magdalene. A little slutty, a little out there. But when you can combine the two, this is what I'm saying, daddy gang.

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I'm crossing enemy lines so that I can genuinely find out we penetrate the heart. We are healthy, we look for real relationships, but we never forget who we truly are inside. We never forget the dark passenger. And when you combine the two, that is where you can move forward in the world, because I truly believe you have to always play games and relationships a little bit. And since we're trying to add a little bit of health now, we're just pulling back a tiny bit on the games.

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But we're still keeping them. But we're allowing for room for health. Bone apple, teet tit bitch noom, hello, commercial break Furnham, if you guys have a really bad habit, if you have something that you're trying to work on, anxiety, stress, you drink too much coffee, you bite your nails, you smoke cigarettes usual. You guys go to Neum and it is a habit change program that uses psychology to teach you how your mind works.

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Ten minutes a day sign up for Noom and it's going to be Neum as an RN. As a nipple. As an orgasm. Oh, as an orgasm as in mom dotcoms large daddy. That's neum dot com slash daddy to start your trial to day.

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This this is a fucking transition, here we go. Who are you guys with me today? I have a guest on. And this woman. Is married, OK, if we're ever going to talk about relationships and marriage, I truly believe that this guest who is married, she's out of her fucking mind. She's going to tax me. So I don't appreciate you going. She's out of her fucking mind and honestly is quite psychotic in her relationship with her husband.

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But she has found this perfect balance to continue the fun psychotic games and psychosis while also enjoying and maintaining a healthy marriage. What a fucking time. That's the goal. That is the fucking goal. So let's learn. Let's listen. Open the ears, because clearly we have a long way to go. Daddy game. The name is Jackie Schimmel. There she is. And Daddy, I know I constantly every week I'm just kind of like really bitching to you guys being like.

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So I don't know how to podcast alone. We're figuring it out. The thing that is so beautiful about this woman is she herself podcast's alone. And I think that there are two narcissists sitting in the room staring at each other, introducing Jackie Simmel.

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Hello, darling. This is wild, isn't it? Why are you so crazy? Because I'm not going to say I feel like I'm looking at an older version of myself, but I feel like it's like, hey, fuck you.

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You are so. Oh, Jackie, I. No, but like you, I played like I actually am so insulted. How did you start this interview, you fucking cunt. Fuck. Oh no. Daddy and Jackie has been literally doing this for six years. Yeah. And like how you know what I mean. I don't know. Right. Like kind of blacking out, going through it.

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I mean, I can't listen to early episodes because I just sound like such a dumb fa.

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So I had nothing to lose because literally nobody was listening.

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That is the you're like not even my husband like fuck no one that is OK.

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This is why I am so on the same page, the episode that is like our most downloaded episode and the Glock Glock nine thousand where I teach girls how to give a blowjob and you would have to literally put a gun to my head and I still won't listen to it because I know, like, I think my voice is affected.

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I sound so fucking annoying. You can go listen to it cause it's great tips. But for me, tips and tricks, you know. Check it out, guys. I'm so sorry. So I hope to shop, please.

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We say thank you, but podcasting alone is very difficult. And Jackie and I were just talking about this on her episode. You guys, you go listen to it. Her podcast is the Bitch Bible.

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But then once you start having guests who you think you don't like, you like I don't know if I like to podcast alone, but I kind of love my solo episodes. And Jackie the narcissist was just saying she does to love them. You love to talk about yourself. You love to talk. Oh, it's self-indulgent. You get like people tell you how funny it is and you have no one else to give credit to except yourself. It's amazing.

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It's incredible. It feels like a therapy session.

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I do it out of my house at like six in the morning in my bedroom. Oh yeah. Oh, we rise and grind. You're like really hard this week. One episode. How long are your episodes? Usually like an hour. OK, well there are two reasons. I really want Jackie on the show. No. One, because she talks so much and I was like, oh my God, I don't know someone that talks more shit than me than Jackie.

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And it's just constant, like like not even negative, but it's just like everything that you fucking hate. You just spew into this microphone, then you press upload and there are some people it's not for.

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Listen, I know that for sure. You know, they hate they hate that. Yeah.

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And if you get the humor, it's the best humor.

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And I consider myself like a super positive human being.

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I think all of your fans are like, so, Jackie, you need therapy because no girlfriend, because I'm not hiding any aspect of my personality. And I do think that talking shit bonds people. And I think when you put it out in the universe, it doesn't have that much weight. So I wanted you to come on and talk shit with me and then to you guys.

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Jackie is married and this is going to start to sound backwards. But just, you know, just just buckle up.

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Buckle up, guys.

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So when I met Jackie, I told her that I knew that she was in a healthy relationship. And the reason I knew. That's OK, everyone. Are you ready? Is because Jackie is constantly gone.

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I mean, every day. All day. Oh, all day.

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Threatening to divorce her husband on social media is taking videos. Be like, I'm going to fucking leave your ass like I'm so ready for a divorce and now all of you are quaking. If you don't know Jack, you're like, all right, we love the toxic Alex, but that's not healthy. But Jackie does it. And I said I knew they had a good relationship because if you can joke about divorce with your husband, you have never been closer.

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It's only not funny if we were actually about to get divorced, we really I don't understand how people can't wrap.

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Their brains around this, as I get so many messages back to you, it's not funny, you shouldn't joke about divorce. You're and I'm like, why the fuck not? I talk about everything else. I make jokes about everything. If I wasn't, that would be a major red flag. I'd be protecting something. I can make divorce jokes because we're not getting a fucking divorce. It's funny. We love each other. That is not funny. You.

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No, that's actually such a good point. Like you want a montage on your birthday. Oh, to the love of my life, my soulmate. Those people get divorced.

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So you are spitting facts on this podcast. Thank you, Jacki. Thank you. Welcome back, everyone. If you cannot think about this for a minute, if you can not one.

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Let's bring it back. We're not married yet. If you can't joke about like, oh, why are you cheating on me or your definition? If you can't make a joke, think why you think because it's too close to home.

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It's only not funny because it's personal.

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It's fucking happening to you, you loser. Like look inward, like look inward. God is everything. That's the hot button issue. Like if it's too close to you, you can't make jokes about it. Exactly. So all the bitches like Jackie, it's really rude. You joke about divorce. Let me guess. You're on the verge of one you stupid. By the way, I'm having a gay old chuckle over here. I say it's not funny to you.

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And also it's like I think specifically that it's like, why do people care so much that you joke about divorce? It's your fucking relationship and you just keep chugging. How long have you been married?

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We have been together nine years and married three.

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OK, here we go. Here, come on. Let's let's break this down a little bit because here on call her dad. No brakes, OK? We've never had done a break. We never broke up for a day. None of the things. I have so many questions, guys. You're like, well, Alex is sitting with, like, a healthy human.

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Well, let's not say I'm not going to take it that far, but the fact that you are in a marriage, first of all, just the concept is so crazy to me here on her.

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I'm like, wait, you guys, did you hear that this is wild? Can you kind of walk us through why you think your marriage is flourishing? Why do you think you have a healthy marriage?

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Well, I would never say publicly that my marriage is flourishing because I think that's so cringe. Cringe, just kind of embarrassing. Really disgusting. We I love that. And also, like, not likeable or good for downloads. No, no, no, no.

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They need the drama. You're constantly on the verge of divorce. I'm clicking on that episode. You're like, we're in love. I'm like, shut the fuck up.

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I don't care whether I never go on a podcast. And I'm like, man. And you're just like, so connected right now. Like, that stays in the vault.

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I would never I would never know. I like that.

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I would never do that to myself, my listeners or my husband, because that is just like it's just not my style. It's not it's gross.

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I think we work because we are he just totally gets my sense of humor. He's not like a massive, like participant in it, but he gets me like he I wouldn't say that he's the funniest person I've ever met.

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I think I'm the funniest person I've ever met. And I feel like I'm so in love with myself. I you never talk about this on our show. You really love me. Feel like we have one thing in common. And I love myself and he loves me. And it works. It works.

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I'm totally one hundred and fifty percent myself around him and nothing shakes him and nothing jolts him. I say the craziest shit all day long and he just, he laughs when he thinks it's funny. He doesn't laugh. When he doesn't think it's funny he rolls his eyes. You know, the coyotes keep howling. The train keeps a fucking right we.

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Can I ask you like when did you like first become like comfortable with him like poop in front of him. I was never pooped in front of him. Oh my God. Wait. But he knows that you're a 100 percent make him leave the house.

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Actually, I'm sorry. What we have separate pooping bathrooms, both of which are not in our master bathroom. I don't let him poop in the master. I don't poop. But this is such a healthy. I want this. This is the thing I can I have. I can't I'm like I don't want him to ever see me in that moment. Not that he's going to sit in the bathroom watching fucking take a poop. But I. So you have different bathrooms and you make you leave the house.

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Can you elaborate on that a little bit. Yes, sure.

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So if he like I can do it when he's sleeping. Yes.

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But if I hear him in the house my butthole just closes like it's closed for business indefinitely. Right. I can't do it. I get stage fright. So if I'm trying to go and he's, you know, vertical in around the house, I have to make him leave or I'll be like, could you, like, stay upstairs or could you, like, put your headphones on?

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Or I'll say, like, we were just in Napa for the week, which is, you know, and I was really eating and drinking my ass off. Right. Right, right.

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So you really need to I need it. And you're in a hotel room. In a hotel room. How does that go down?

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So I make him take the dog for a walk and I text him when he can come back for eye contact. And I'm like, you have to leave for fifteen minutes and I'll text you when you can come back. Oh. Or you be like, don't talk to me.

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Like we were in one hotel room.

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It was very close quarters and the door, it wasn't a door, it was a sliding farm door, no lock. And there was. Oh, my God, the door didn't even touch the ground so he could see my feet. Oh, just so cute. Oh, that's not like my toes curl up. I'm white knuckle and maybe go to the bathroom in six days. I wanted to die. Oh, my God. OK, so this is amazing, though, that I actually love that.

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I think I'm going to listen. If I ever get married, I'm going to take that from you. I'm going to instill that we have different bathrooms. And I think it's great that you're like, you need to leave and I'll text you.

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I talked about this on jockeys, so but I want to talk to you about it because I just want everyone like I just like to, like, keep my listeners in the know. And I brought up Brielle Bayamon, this poor girl.

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What did I do? Her name? No, Irman I Biermann. I'm just. But I like that twist.

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Oh. Like a little like oh OK.

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BiOM environment.

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I'm only bringing her up and I'm not trying to shit on her, but it actually turns out it comes off like I'm sitting on her butt daddy saying I was just talking about Instagram when people are doing too many swipe ups and yeah.

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What do you what is your take on swipe ups.

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I think it's a slippery slope. Yeah. I think that self-awareness is key in all aspects of social media. I also say that influencers are common day prostitutes. I feel like I can say that because podcasters are also prostitutes. We're all prostitutes. This is a good. So it's true. We're you know, we're selling ourselves. Yes, essentially. Yes. And I think that there is a level of cringe when all you're providing is selling things and hair care, gummies and booze and cellulite treatments and lip glasses and eyelashes.

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It's like there has to be some juxtaposition where you're actually giving opinions, thoughts, making people laugh, making people think, providing a product of your own intellectual property, then just selling shit like that.

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And when that fucking vocal fry oh, oh, it's like, hey guys, the tick tock voices, what really kills me, it's a tick tock, tick tick tock faces like three things you need from Wholefoods right now.

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The guacamole, super low sugar and great onto your chips. Vegan mushroom.

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Thank you. So accurate. And then the Instagram one is say hey guys like soft like hey. Hey, guys. Hey, guys, I want to take a second to talk to you about me. And then but the tick tock is very it's a different picture. Just kind of terrifying because I, I don't understand. I know it's like everyone says, it's like how do these people look like this? And they're fifteen years old. Oh, my God.

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When I was Tic-Tac age, I had like crippling gingivitis and adhesive gear divided. I was allergic to the cement from the braces for my braces.

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So I had inflamed gums and I had an adhesive headgear that I never went to sleepovers, but not the one that went all the way like the not the neck one I had one that that literally heel and stick to the forehead. We. I'm sorry. What?

[00:29:20]

And then like a chin guard. I'm sorry, I can't make the sleepover, Matty, because I'm like literally I can't find my gear foaming at the mouth. So you had gingivitis? That's what it's called. Sorry. Yeah, something like that. And then what else were you working with at that age? I had adhesive headgear.

[00:29:37]

I had really, really debilitating personality. It was all of the things I thought I was literally Keri, Russell and Felicity.

[00:29:44]

But, you know, isn't it so sad when you look back at pictures and you're like, I was disgusting. And then the girls nowadays are so hot.

[00:29:55]

Well, what is in the water? How did they all how do they look like a Gerber? Yes. What the fuck? I don't know. It kind of makes me upset. I'm like, how's my girl? 15. I look like a fucking loser when I was 15.

[00:30:06]

Oh, but awkward stages are so necessary. They are happy because it humbles you and it makes you have a better personality.

[00:30:15]

Yeah. Than the nines and the tens. Yes. Because in the nines and the tens are just walking around. They've never had a hard day in their life.

[00:30:21]

Whereas if you were uglier when you were younger, it's like I've been through shit like you've really got to dial up the hutzpah and you've got adhesive headgear. Yeah. Like no one wants to invite Jackie to the sleepover because, like, that's where all the fucking headgear, like she foam's a lot and like she keeps us up at night a lot of excess saliva. So like so it kind of like forms and like shapes you to be who you are today.

[00:30:41]

I am obsessed with this story that Jackie brought to me.

[00:30:45]

And it's this story I'm going to let you tell it, because Daddy and I think we've had a lot of people who genuinely have had very strange experiences and obviously having someone to call her daddy.

[00:30:56]

I'm like, you need to share your weird experience. And this story is genuinely I want to hear it again and again and again.

[00:31:02]

And I have so many questions still to this day. Continue. Here we go. This is a safe place. It's like, whoa, here we go. It's the tale as old as time.

[00:31:10]

It's the folklore of the West Hollywood.

[00:31:13]

Like Humper happened to me, OK? Nearly a decade ago, I was dating this guy on paper. Perfection like I it was the best first date I had ever had in my entire life. Like we just clicked connected. The banter was great.

[00:31:31]

The chemistry was there because he was very, very attractive, very attractive and just like such a cool just a cool guy, like great energy, the best energy. So already we're in a situation where it's like first dates can be such a flop. And even if you like someone, sometimes the energy is like, oh, it's a little awkward because we're first meeting you had this amazing, amazing first date, instant chemistry.

[00:31:56]

This could be it. This could be the one I really felt that way.

[00:31:59]

And I was like just spreading my seed, as they say, all over town at that time.

[00:32:04]

Oh, really, really didn't want to have a boyfriend, wanted to have like eight boyfriends. Oh. So you were like kind of holding it up as one should.

[00:32:11]

Absolutely. 100 percent. Yeah. I was just trying to get all the meals and all the things of course. Yes. You maximize. Absolutely. You got your brunch guy, your dinner guy like Jackie gets a day trip, got a hundred percent like listen girls got to eat. Some girls got to eat the pussy for some dinner.

[00:32:28]

Right. So we hit it off. Everything was great. Like he took me to like a work event.

[00:32:34]

I met family, I met friends really like right off the jump. And on our third or fourth date, we went to dinner again, a great date conversation fallowing. I got my own appetizer. That's a big deal. When you're twenty, which I'm rich, I'm like, I am Anna Nicole Smith. Yeah. Like I'm living my life. He's hot, right. And I'm happy age appropriate.

[00:32:58]

So we finished dinner and were waiting in the valet and he kind of like whisks me off into a dark corner and we start like making out and everything's great. And I was going to go back to his apartment for the first time. Oh.

[00:33:13]

And he starts to move lower, you know, like lower like below my eyeline. OK, you know, deep dive into deep diving. You're like, are you about to eat me out? I was like, what the fuck is going on? And then I thought maybe he'd drop something.

[00:33:29]

I was tying my shoe or. Oh, shoe, yes. Or maybe was like maybe my shoe was undone. I mean, he's fixing it. Chivalry is not dead. I don't know.

[00:33:37]

Oh, then. And he took his flaccid genitalia flaccid at the time, but not for long and started a long denim on denim.

[00:33:48]

I was wearing jeans. He was also wearing jeans.

[00:33:50]

So there was a little friction and he got down low and he started to dry, hump my kneecap to fruition.

[00:34:00]

And it was like pump, pump, pump, it was less of a pump and more of more of an upward grind, but his head was around like his head was like below my breast.

[00:34:16]

That's OK. Because he didn't because, you know, you have to use, like, a lot of stabilizers, like he was like in a squat position. So his legs were spread like an assumed mowed down leg. Oh, so he's almost squatting, humping the leg. And he's just one leg, by the way.

[00:34:35]

Not to. It wasn't a double, wasn't it?

[00:34:39]

It was a solo femur fucking we got down low and he braced himself on my little gorgeous leg or just kneecap and just it was like an outward looking up like oh.

[00:34:53]

And then eventually came. Yeah. Oh yeah. And then but in the like I should say before he really got really, really good, he looked up at me, I was like, is this OK? And I said, sure.

[00:35:08]

Oh Jackie, why did you say yes. You don't really know what he was about to do. No. You're like, yo, what are you doing? He's like, watch. I had I didn't know what he was about to do, so I was like, OK. And then he started going. And I was like, honestly, this feels like great time management.

[00:35:25]

You're like, I don't have to do anything. I just sitting here I had a BlackBerry at the time. I think I was playing Brick Breaker. You're like literally playing Brick Breaker, like are you must stand down there and then like, what did you do with your hands? At the beginning I was like I was so confused that I was like fiddling around in my purse. And then I was I remember thinking, but he wasn't making eye contact with me.

[00:35:46]

He was looking down on the top. But I was like, should I get involved? But I felt so separated from the lower half of my body doing his own thing down there.

[00:35:56]

Yeah.

[00:35:56]

I didn't want to, like, disrupt whatever was happening because clearly he knows what he's doing, what he has done this before.

[00:36:02]

You can tell this is this man thing one thousand percent, because I had met him before we started dating and I kept thinking to myself, how the fuck is this guy single?

[00:36:12]

Like he's such a catch. But now we know, you know, he literally goes. And the fact that he's like, I'm like Humper. Yeah.

[00:36:19]

And he comes from humping the leg and he comes quick, like to say it was a couple grind's and he was fucking sludging almost.

[00:36:29]

It was three pumps and a squirt. Yeah. And but did you see him after multiple. Multiple times. That's really good. And did he hump the leg again. So I thought maybe hey, he had too much to drink, maybe he was seeing things, maybe he was hallucinating.

[00:36:45]

That's what I thought. But then it happened like a couple more times and I was really like trying to get over it, which I love about me. I figure, like, there's just this one moment. Everything's perfect. Except he does have this thing where he humps my leg and went like this. I feel like sometimes people in that situation. Did you ever tell any of your friends?

[00:37:03]

I told you literally every single person became very upset because, you know, those girls that would like hide it and like not to talk about it. And they're like, oh, whatever. I'm just like, pretend you told them all.

[00:37:12]

I told everybody with a pulse and he's still single.

[00:37:17]

He. Oh, yeah. Well, now you know everyone who's listening.

[00:37:21]

If there's a guy that's really attractive and really successful and really single, it's because he likes to hump appendages.

[00:37:29]

Commercial break because there's a broom on set. Guys, do you remember when people used to make fun of me? They said, look at her, look at the broom. They said, look at her go. She can't make it. She won't make it. That hair is falling off her fucking head. It's disgusting. And it's Bruma Jason. Not any more bitches function of motherfucking beauty. The amount of daddy people I see getting funky to beauty, it warms my soul.

[00:37:55]

This is the thing. Function of beauty. You can get new shampoo, new conditioner and you customize it to your goddamn head. You take an online quiz, OK? It's like a five part quiz and they basically just ask you what are your hair goals? And like what is your hair like? You get custom formula and then you get to also pick the color of your shampoo and conditioner so you can get an orange and a pink, a purple and a blue, whatever is for you.

[00:38:18]

Doo doo doo doo. Oh my God. They also have body washes, body lotions. They have hair serum's. They have everything for your fucking head. You go there and not the penis.

[00:38:27]

Head the hair on your head. OK, if you want to try it out, you're going to go to a function of beauty dotcom slash daddy and take the hair profile quiz and you're going to save twenty percent off on your first order. So if you go to a function of beauty dotcom slash daddy, you're going to get twenty percent off.

[00:38:45]

Can I ask you, I don't know if this is too much, but like like I'm not I don't mean to be like, how is your sex life?

[00:38:52]

But like, do you have a like a specific amount that you guys are like having sex a week or like are you guys like not. As crazy now that you're because I guess everyone on my show is like terrified to get into a relationship and you've been in one for so long. Yeah. Does it freak you out that, like, it's going to get boring or like.

[00:39:09]

No, I think that it's so funny to me because I do think that people put like a real emphasis on sex in a marriage. And it's the most important thing. I've never really felt that way. OK, me and Andrea have always had a very healthy, great sex life. Right? It's been consistent our entire relationship. So, like, it's not and our connection. What's funny is that when Andrew and I first started dating, I was like ready to get down and dirty.

[00:39:35]

I was like, let's if I can do this thing, let's tango.

[00:39:37]

And he wanted to wait. Shut the fuck up. I swear to God. And I was so I was actually really offended. I remember at the time, I was like, what are you talking about? And he was like, I just feel like this could be different.

[00:39:49]

And I want to like, wait. I mean, we only dated like like a week and a half, but we went out for breakfast and dinner every day for like nine days and we didn't have sex for like two weeks. So by two weeks we had had twenty eight meals together. Right. We had like you're basically in a relationship. We were like boyfriend, fucking girlfriend, like two dumb losers in 48 hours. Like So are we like David.

[00:40:12]

Like it was just.

[00:40:13]

Oh but that is kind of like the best connection when you meet the person you're like, wait, this is like I want that. You can just tell like you like I went on a trip with my family within five days, so it was very weird. And I kind of thought he was a serial killer because he had never had a girlfriend before.

[00:40:26]

Oh, that's like a red flag. Is that scary?

[00:40:28]

Totally. Because he was an asshole. He was in college and he was just like, you know, humping anything with the leg. Right? No pun intended. So you guys waited to have sex. You were like, I'm kind of a little like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

[00:40:41]

I was like, oh, yeah. I was like, what the fuck? Right.

[00:40:44]

But it made sense. Like, now I think it was a great thing because we like kind of got to know each other and we just I don't know.

[00:40:51]

I think that's kind of it was weird, though.

[00:40:53]

I was like, oh, really? You're like me. I want to have sex. That's kind of I think OK. I think that's smart, though, because I say if you guys want to have sex on the first date, if you don't, it's really provocative. Like do whatever the fuck you want. I think everyone has a different like you can go have sex with someone and it's not going to affect you and you could literally marry that person or you have a one night stand and never talk to you again.

[00:41:12]

Like there's every like situation is different. One hundred percent, by the way, it doesn't matter if you're with someone for a year or fifty years. It's like it ebbs and flows. You're having a bad day. You're on your period. You get in a fight, you like, whatever it is, it doesn't really matter if you're married or not, in my opinion.

[00:41:29]

Like, if anything, it's just life, you know what I mean? It's not like you get married all of a sudden you're like revolted with the person and you're like, oh my God, you're the only person I'm gonna have sex with for my entire life. Like, I never felt that way.

[00:41:42]

Yeah, I think that's like a huge fear of people. They're like, oh, my God. Like, is it possible to be monogamous? Like, do you not even have a stress in the world that either of you would ever be like cheating?

[00:41:52]

No, I really don't. And I would never tell him that, but.

[00:41:56]

Right, right, right. Andrew, if you're listening. No. In heaven, no, no, no.

[00:41:59]

He is I would never say never because I think that's ridiculous.

[00:42:04]

But I really, like really don't think so. No, no. That's kind of amazing because I can tell like like I'm the sketchy one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I decided, you know, if anyone was to do some weird shit, a hundred percent people and you've cheated on all of your boyfriends pretty much.

[00:42:20]

OK, so when you were younger, what was your like sex dating life like.

[00:42:25]

Well so I was just the worst. All my friends would say that like the second that the Santa Ana winds would hit in like Southern California, like the summer solstice or something just overtook my body. And whoever it was in a relationship with, I would break up. I had a boyfriend of four years, like in high school and the beginning of college. I would break up with him every single summer. I would find somebody new. I would go into the bathroom.

[00:42:49]

I would text me like, I think we should take a break. And then I would hook up with whoever the fuck I want it to like it was level demon.

[00:42:55]

Wow. So for four years of this was going on, it wasn't exactly like, I wouldn't say cheating, but it was definitely like I would see somebody. I'd be like, oh yeah. And I would just send a text message that is actually kind of so beautiful. Like, it's terrible, it's so awful and that's so fucked up, but at least are giving him the benefit of the doubt. It's not like you're going and he doesn't know.

[00:43:13]

At least you just quickly end it.

[00:43:14]

No, I like I'll be right back and then. Hey, hey. I think we should take a break and and then I would go hook up daddle.

[00:43:22]

Oh so you were like a little wild. I was just like, you know what?

[00:43:26]

I was definitely an emotional whore where I really loved the idea of getting people to, like, love me. And then when they and then just see what I could get away with.

[00:43:41]

So even if I didn't like a person like there was one person in particular, I was talking about this with my husband, this one guy that I just knew he like really loved me.

[00:43:50]

Right. And I did not love him. And this is awful. And the fact that I'm saying this out loud on your podcast, I will regret this. Right, right. Right. But keep going. But I'm. I say it because I think it's very therapeutic and it shows extreme growth. Yes, yes, yes, I'm nearing my third decade of life. Right.

[00:44:09]

And it makes me judge myself.

[00:44:12]

But I I liked the emotional turmoil of getting him to just love me and then leave him and then and see how many times I could get him back and then and then drop him, you know what I mean?

[00:44:28]

Like, it just it validate. Oh yeah. It's disgusting is what you're describing is something that is what I do.

[00:44:37]

And like me is that a little thing like you do when you just said it's terrible to be able to get someone to fall in love with you?

[00:44:46]

I'm not even focusing on and then hurt them and then get them back and see like, oh my God.

[00:44:53]

Like, how pathetic is he going to be? Like, one more time. Two times. Three times.

[00:44:59]

How many times is he going to take me?

[00:45:00]

Like you would think that it's coming from a place of deep insecurity? I don't think so.

[00:45:06]

I don't think so at all. I, I actually think I'm completely fine and I think it's so fun. I think it's actually it was. Yes. I wish I could be like and it's because like I have no.

[00:45:17]

So I think what it is, it's like it's like a sick I think it's like I am like it's like a power thing that it's like it's a really it's your dick, you know, literally like gets me off, it gets me off seeing a man fall in love and then watching you basically like mentally, mentally take him to his dad.

[00:45:42]

It's like people are like, are you up and spit it out and put him back together and then be like, let me know. And I think it's fucked up. And, you know, I think this is maybe part of it, too.

[00:45:53]

I've talked about this in therapy is like going into therapy. So because you just said you're not like it's actually been amazing. It's a great time. Yeah, I think she thinks I'm a little fucking out of my mind, but that's fine. There's something about like making a man fall in love with you, the power it gives you is it is so intoxicating.

[00:46:13]

It's the upside of sexism. Yeah, yes. That's what it is. It is. It is.

[00:46:18]

It's it's all we have is all we have in this life here that girls we are shattering glass ceilings.

[00:46:27]

We know as this woman special, Romi and fucking Michelle. OK, outside of sexism, did you guys hear that? I just don't think I but I like that you're saying it while you're married now and it won't have any repercussions.

[00:46:41]

My mom, after I release these types of episodes like so Alex, like you're never going to have a guy want to date you because, like, you're literally being like, I'm going to manipulate the fucking shit out of this guy emotionally and he's going to fall in love with me and then I'm going to stab him in the butt.

[00:46:56]

But you don't marry that guy. No. And it's fine. And then every time I'm alone with them, I'm like, babe, it's just a show. Like, it's self awareness is key.

[00:47:03]

It makes the world go round. So as long as you know what you're doing, it's. No, it's true.

[00:47:06]

I mean, you know, it's why it's literally how I sleep at night. I'm like, it's fine as long as I'm being authentic within myself, not with him but myself. That's all I need.

[00:47:16]

Yeah. And when it's right, you don't do that shit, right? Exactly. If it's not, then just, you know, have fun. Therefore, if I was fucking nineteen.

[00:47:25]

Right. What those years are for any of them ever like call you out or like cry to you. Yes. The tears. I love the tears.

[00:47:33]

The tears are are the tears. It's my goodness. You're like there it is every time. No the tears. That's what webbs the vagina.

[00:47:46]

Right. Yeah. And they're always sobbing and they're like choking.

[00:47:49]

Like when men cry they're like, oh. And then they're like they've got snot because they like don't cry a lot.

[00:47:54]

And so they're emotional, they're on the ground looking and they're like, hey, I know what you're fucking doing. Like I'm not putting up with this shit by. And then you're like, marry me.

[00:48:02]

And then I'm like, wait, I love, you know, got expense. I will know when I find the man. That's a man. That's a man. When he doesn't listen, men can cry.

[00:48:11]

But not without doing this to you. Don't fucking oh don't let me like don't let me fuck. Yeah exactly. Don't let me fully run the show like obviously going to run the show but don't let me fully run it.

[00:48:21]

And Dorries boundary hot so hot. Steamy hot boundaries love so hot love when I get a boundary my cool too far noted.

[00:48:29]

I really appreciate you coming on Jackie and kind of like I think that there's hope sitting across from you.

[00:48:36]

You are scary and you think you do things that I'm like yes, yes, yes, yes, yes Alex. But yeah this bitch has a fucking husband that loves her and she's successful and she is a solo podcast. I'm like, I could I could do this. And this is this is hopeful for me.

[00:48:53]

Thank you. I mean, you're making me sound a lot better than I actually am and a lot more functional than I am.

[00:48:58]

Right. But I will take it. Yeah, no, I'm definitely hyping you up and I think it's well deserved. I think obviously we would be a terrible combination. No, no. Literally, God, we all live on the same coast.

[00:49:08]

What would be a monster. Monsters. But also we probably like you just keep talking about yourself and then I'd keep talking about myself and we'd sit there and just drink. And then we just keep talking about all of the time.

[00:49:18]

I had a friend in high school that was also a LEO and she looked at me and she's like, you know what I love about us? And she's like, we don't talk badly about other people because we're so busy talking about ourselves. And I was like, you're like, whoa, you're like, true, very true.

[00:49:33]

Actually so true. Like, I will remember this for the rest of my life. That is so that hit so home. It hurts. It hurts. Whoa. Bet it does.

[00:49:44]

Jackie Schimel, plug yourself, tell everyone podcast Instagram if they can find you. I'm pretty sure she's charabanc.

[00:49:50]

I am probably shadow band, but I'm on Instagram at Jackie Schimel and my podcast is called The Bitch Bible.

[00:49:56]

The Bitch Bible. See. Right in the flesh. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank your queen. Thank you.

[00:50:04]

Commercial, commercial, commercial. Piper, Lew pipetting Poppy Piper.

[00:50:10]

Lew, if you're doing anything that you want to customize and design because you have something that you want to say and you want to put it on a t shirt or a cup or whatever on a Tumblr, Piperlime allows you to basically create a special design that you love. That's like maybe for for your family reunion or your friends, your college reunion or whatever it is. And then they customize it and put it on to that and then they send it to you.

[00:50:32]

So that's pretty dope. So anyone if you want to put your name on a fucking shirt and hand it to your boyfriend and be like, bitch, you wear this to the fucking bar and it says, property of Martha, I swear to God, if you guys do that, I'll never talk to you again. But guys, if you're interested, you want to customize something, you guys can go to Piper, Piper, Lou. Oh, you Dotcom.

[00:50:53]

And you're going to use code daddy to get buy one, get one free on everything site wide for a limited time. So again, that is Piper dot dotcom use code. At checkout to get buy one, get one free. So. Have you guys heard about that group of people they refer to themselves as?

[00:51:24]

Silent sufferers, huh? No, actually, I've never heard of them. What do they stand for? Well, you see, they have a problem with this woman on this podcast when she goes to France. Just took actions to save. Introducing what goes on, the more work part of my larynx is swollen.

[00:51:59]

Welcome back. Silent sufferers, you guys can all go fuck yourselves. I was trying to decide if I was going to do questions of the week this week, but I have been getting some positive feedback of people liking it, so I'm going to go ahead and fucking do it. I also just remembered it's my fucking show and I like to black out and talk like that.

[00:52:20]

So I think it's the funniest fucking thing. There are some daily gang members that will like take videos of their dogs while I'm doing that voice and the dog like twists. Ted, you know how they, like, perk their head when, like, you do a squeaky voice? Yeah, well, I apparently, like, put dogs into, like, seizures.

[00:52:36]

So anyways, Daddy King, it's questions of the fucking week. So happy to help. So happy to talk through things with you. So happy to learn more about y'all. Let's get right into it. Hey Father Cooper, love the show and low key. Don't know what I would do without it. So I was hanging out with some friends and guys who we've only met once or twice. We were all drinking quite a bit. So keep that in mind.

[00:52:58]

I was interested in getting with one guy and we eventually headed to a room to hook up. It was hot at first, but then he himself starts unbuckling his pants and I quote, asks me if I want to suck it in my intoxicated state. I felt pressured to. I'm not very experienced, but I try my best with the Glock, like nine thousand. But he didn't come. He was hard the whole time, but he couldn't even finish.

[00:53:20]

Even after jerking himself off. We tried everything, including titties. Another really weird thing was that I was doing all the work and got nothing reciprocated. Wouldn't even kiss my neck, for fuck's sake, nor did he even try to finger me. There was no communication from his side and he even said, But I didn't come anyways. I had to leave after twenty minutes and I started and I tried to kiss him goodbye, but he turned away and didn't even hug me.

[00:53:45]

I feel so shitty about myself and I wish I had not done that. Please help the daddy hang out and make me feel better.

[00:53:50]

I love you. OK, my heart goes out for you because. This is the fucking worst feeling in the world, and as fucked up as it is, I want you to listen to me when I say like, these are the type of experiences that as shitty as they are, once they happen, you need to use it as the biggest learning experience. And I kind of believe, like this happens to a lot of people. I had this in fucking high school like I did when I was doing.

[00:54:16]

And I was so happy I was hooking up with the fucking older senior and like, I didn't know what I was doing. And he was kind of a dick. You need to remember that feeling and use that and recognize moving forward every situation you move forward and whenever you're trying to, like, hook up with a guy and he's just big kind of a dick, never fucking put up with that shit. And like, if especially if you're fucking sucking a guy's dick and it's literally hard, but he's fucked up and you guys are all drinking halfway through, you take your fucking mouth off and you're like, are you going to come?

[00:54:47]

And you make him feel fucking stupid before he can make you stupid because he wasn't even being nice to you. The whole situation.

[00:54:53]

It's sounds juvenile, but there are so many fucking assholes out there that do this shit. You have to know your self-worth, but you also have to know this fucking happens so often. Learn from the experience and the next time you feel uncomfortable, you get the fuck up and then you walk the fuck out. My boyfriend won't eat me out because he says I don't shave well enough. I can't get waxed because it fucks up my skin, nor do I want to do that every time in order for him to go down on me, what should I do about this baby girl?

[00:55:24]

This is like a one liner. Break the fuck up with him.

[00:55:26]

If I ever if I ever had a fucking boyfriend that said that he would not go down on me because I didn't shave well enough. I'm sorry. In what world? In what world is that acceptable? You're pissed because I don't shave my pussy perfectly. Okay. What a bitch boy he won't eat. Well, I want a man. That's why literally one of the guys I'm hooking up with right now, I want a man that is like I want all the nasty shit like I have.

[00:55:57]

This guy is like, I want you to fucking put your asshole my face. I want to lick your pussy. I want to do all the things with you guys that are pussies about like, oh, like it's you, your pussy. Harrison perfectly shit. Then it's like, no. Okay then you go jack off at your fucking grandma's house for the rest of your life, because that is a fucking definition of a little bitch. Boy, he should be wanting to eat your pussy literally after you workout.

[00:56:21]

And it's sweaty like any man listening. When I have a guy that verbally tells me like nasty shit that he's into and how he, like, loves when I'm like sweaty or when he like wants, etc. on his face, that is a turn on to me and makes me want to be ten times more of a freak than if a guy is like, I'm scared of the razor bumps.

[00:56:43]

I'm not going to be in a relationship where a guy doesn't eat me out. Like, What is that? What is life? Nothing. You're not living. Hi, Alex. First of all, I want to say that my team and I are obsessed with your show and we all have your sweatshirts. Oh, God, I love it. I play D1 volleyball, and I wanted to hear your thoughts on how to handle this situation. So due to Korona, all of the athletes have been back since June, training and getting tested about once a week.

[00:57:07]

We already went through quarantine, but now we are getting ready to start our season. My teammates and I moved places and now we have a random girl as our fourth roommate. She is a narc or a regular student, whatever you want to call it. But she goes out like every weekend and always has people over. We told her we can't be around random people because we're trying to be safe so we can keep practicing and we won't get covid.

[00:57:29]

But she won't listen. I know you dealt with difficult roommates. So can you can you help me find a way to knock some sense into her things? Dude, this is so fucking crazy, because when I was in college, I never lived with a narc, but I did have teammates that lived with Nabis and it was always a fucking disaster because even if it's not like an actual issue, then you just get jealous because they're always able to go out all the fucking time.

[00:57:54]

And you're like, yeah, we have six a.m. workouts like we have. It's like miserable. So if I were you, especially now with the covid shit that's so fucking rough, I feel like if you're on a D1 team, tell your fucking coach and I bet they can pull strings to get her out of your place because there's no fucking way that they want you guys to be exposed to that shit. And you can basically coach, we're literally about to get covered.

[00:58:15]

So find us a new roommate or like piece out for the season. I feel like a coach when they hear that they're going to be like rushing to admissions and like housing and they'll be like, get my fucking girls out of there. That is the one great thing about D1 sports is like it's fucked up, but you can kind of like pull strings like that. So I would do that. OK, hey, Alex. So I have a problem.

[00:58:36]

I got diagnosed with chlamydia the other day. God bless your soul. I'm sorry. Don't worry. We pop a pill. That shit's gone. Literally the other day after I fucked a guy raw, oh, fuck, OK. Turns out I got chlamydia from my ex and because I'm dumb and I believed him when he said he was clean, I called the guy that I fucked raw and told him that he should get tested just in case I gave it to him.

[00:58:57]

He seemed chill emphasis on the seemed part. I don't know if he actually was chill, but I was told by a guy friend of mine that if a girl gave him chlamydia, he'd drop her so fucking fast because she's clearly a dirty slut. Usually I'm super careful and I get tested regularly, but because of quarantine and stuff, I was just too distracted and busy to go. So clearly I messed up. Do you think that after I get treated and tested and get a negative result, that I should text him?

[00:59:23]

I know I fucked up really badly, but I actually like this dude and care about what he thinks about me. So should I reach out and hope he still wants to fuck or should I just let him be all right?

[00:59:33]

It's not the most healthy advice, but just I'm sorry, but this is like personally, first and foremost, what I would have done is like, is it fucked up? I don't know. I don't ever fully be like, hey, I gave you chlamydia. Like, if I were you, I would have been like, hey, I went to my yearly checkup and I got my results back. And like, I have chlamydia, like, have you been tested recently?

[01:00:01]

Like, I don't know who gave it to who, but like I haven't really fucked anyone. And in a minute and then kind of see what he says and if he's like, I haven't either be like, oh what the fuck.

[01:00:11]

Like one of us obviously had it then for a while I guess.

[01:00:14]

Like you never ever. Unless it's obviously like a way more serious side, like with chlamydia and shit. I'm fucking sorry, but you never fucking accept the blame right off the bat. So now moving forward, though, I'm not going to lie. I think you're being like, hi, I gave you chlamydia. Yeah. I mean, I think guys are a little I mean, I think everyone is fucking like freaked out when they hear that they have an STD by someone.

[01:00:39]

So and he clearly doesn't know if that means that you've been fucking like 19 dudes. So I kind of think if I were you, I would lay off for a minute and then you could slide back in towards like the end of quarantine or something, or you could honestly just text him and just apologize and be like I had slept with my ex. I fucked up and like, I'm really fucking sorry. Like, I'm not like that. And I just feel really bad and, like, just kind of sound like a really nice apology and like, own it.

[01:01:08]

Hello, Father. Would you ever consider getting your pussy hair lasered off? I've been considering my leg hair lasered off, but I'm not sure if I should go for the couch too. Thank you. That is such an interesting question, because I will never forget that I was going to the Dominican Republic, my it was my sophomore, my junior year of college, I was a little ratchet.

[01:01:31]

My friends and I, we were just really doing it up, you know, the all inclusive shit just drink until you blackout. And so before I when all my friends were just getting, like, waxed and I had never gotten waxed before because I feel like I'm pretty great at shaving my vagina. I know obviously sometimes girls are always writing in, like, how do you not get razor bumps and stuff?

[01:01:53]

I use like male shaving cream on my pussy works wonders and don't use like shitty ass fucking razors. And so and also like, you need to dedicate like a nice amount of time. Don't go in there like it's like can you just cut your pussy bitch. You need to treat her like a queen and pamper her. So anyway, so I go to get my pussy waxed for the first time in college.

[01:02:18]

My friends are all there with me and we're like in the fucking room. And I'm like, is this going to hurt? And everyone's like, no, like Cooper, you're fine. And I'm like, why do I feel like this is about to be a fucking oh fucking shit. I straight up like was about to a ball. My eyes out. I don't care. Call me a fucking pussy. Don't care that pain. That was probably the day that I was like, I can't take this or how the fuck am I going to ever have a child.

[01:02:42]

So that was like a very eye opening experience. And I've never gotten my pussy accents, but I totally get if people don't mind it like I know it gets easier throughout time. Don't care.

[01:02:51]

Not willing to go. However, the laser question I've thought of until one of the guys that I am hooking up with right now.

[01:03:00]

I was having sex with him recently and I just let it grown out and I wasn't prepared, I didn't shave and he told me he was like, I feel like you like your pussy, like super, perfectly clean shaved, which I've had a lot of guys like it. But he was like, I fucking love when you have, like, hair on your pussy. And I was like, oh, I'm like, he's the guy that I'm like hooking up with a majority of the time right now.

[01:03:24]

So I've just been like letting it kind of grow. But I just like shave it into a nice little like the landing strip situation. So I guess my answer is I'm not getting my pussy lasered because of him now.

[01:03:38]

And I don't want girls to be like, why? Why are you doing that for him? It's because I don't give a shit. Like, I literally don't care if I'm full Bush or not. Like, to me, it really doesn't bother me. I think that now I think it's fucking hot that, like, he has a preference and I'm like, I don't so like dope. I'm like, it's easier for me to keep growing it out.

[01:03:53]

So if you don't have a guy that gives a fuck, yeah. Get it lasered. But for me right now, I'm not getting laser. So I'm like, oh, this man likes my fucking hair. OK, so I gave had for the first time recently and by the way, I couldn't have done it as good as I did without you. That makes me so happy. But towards the end I felt close to gagging. I need to know what guys think of this and if it's bad, how do you not gag.

[01:04:17]

Please help. Dude, literally, I remember in high school when I was giving, like, one of my first blowjobs and I was like, holy fucking shit, I'm straight up about a tag on this guy's dick. And in my mind, I didn't fully understand yet like that. That was the hottest fucking thing. So I was like, holy fuck, holy fuck. If you are, first of all, gagging sounds on a guy's dick, even if you can't fully deep throw his dick, even if you don't even get halfway down his shop with your mouth, but you're making gagging sounds and like the blood vessels in your face genuinely look like you're trying with your all to take it.

[01:04:55]

All that to a guy is so fucking hot. You gagging on his dick. Genius. Amazing.

[01:05:03]

There is nothing better. So obviously I get it if you don't want to fully throw up on his dick. But I do think at times if you can find that like fine line of like almost kind of vomiting on his dick and take it there, like your eyes should be bloodshot mascara down the face, like, whoa, like you almost are about to die. But then you're like, I came back to life quickly because I like came up right before I threw up everywhere.

[01:05:29]

But that's the level that you want to hit the meter. You want to hit that meter. So I would try really hard to, like, embrace the gag, but obviously just try to feel it out and not just come through experience like I now know where I'm when I'm gagging. And then when my gag is about to be like, oh, this bitches, I'm about to throw the fuck up. So you have to just kind of like know your limit.

[01:05:50]

But I wouldn't be afraid to push it. And honestly, if you throw up a little bit, like you just quickly, like, swallow it back up and just keep on fucking pushing, soldier, OK? This one's labeled healthy relationships.

[01:06:03]

Oh, who hit me where it hurts? This girl goes, Hi, Alex. I love the podcast even more. So now that you're a single father, I think you've opened the dynamic of the show to an unlimited possibilities. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally here for the savage shit. But I also like how you've been vulnerable. I noticed in one of your recent tweets that you mentioned that your therapist said that one of your relationship with the men you're seeing is healthy.

[01:06:29]

That's where my questions coming up. I've been talking to this guy for the past three months. We act like we're dating, but haven't defined the relationship. I know I'm the only girl he talks to Slash sleeps with, and it's actually a healthy relationship. And I'm in no rush to become his girlfriend. Shocker. My question is, I know you've said don't be available to him and play the game, but what if I don't want to? We enjoy spending time together and doing things for one another.

[01:06:56]

So what would be the point of disappearing randomly or being consistent with communication? What are your thoughts on this? How did you navigate this with the L.A. guy? It came off in your vlog stories, etc., that you saw him quite a bit when you were in California and for the trip that you went on with him. Also, if you could try to answer this in a healthy way versus JOC Savage, that would be great. Love you.

[01:07:16]

OK, I can do that.

[01:07:19]

This is what I think. If you are getting reciprocation from the guy or the girl that you're talking to and it's a consistent fashion and you like that person, then go for it. In my past, when I refer to playing the game and fucking with people, it's because I was intentionally choosing fuck boys because I didn't want a relationship and I didn't want someone to be tying me down during college. I was enjoying having my single crazy life and I knew for me personally I wouldn't be satisfied in any relationship, in any aspect because I really wanted to, like, live it up in college.

[01:07:56]

However, I have had moments where, like, I have had men, like you're saying in L.A. that were extremely open and honest and straightforward about how they felt about me. And I just didn't feel the need to play games. Obviously, I always lean towards the side of caution just a little bit to be fully open and honest about everything and how you feel and be super expressive just in case you don't fully know what that person is up to and they don't fully owe you anything.

[01:08:27]

So I usually just like to protect myself as much as I'm always joking about, like all the savage shit, it's more so I just never want to get hurt. And I know in order to move forward in relationships, you have to be vulnerable and you have to risk getting hurt. But that's just something I'm working on. Like, I just don't like making myself fully vulnerable to people. But for you, if this guy is making a consistent effort, if you guys know you're fucking like you're with each other almost every night of the week and you know, he's not fucking other girls, I don't think that that means you need to start.

[01:08:58]

No, you don't. You shouldn't disappear. He'd be like, where are you? Like, what happened to you?

[01:09:03]

I think occasionally as things progress, yeah. You can have like once a month do something a little wild to spice it up. But it doesn't have to be the same consistency of when you are talking to someone that you know is more.

[01:09:18]

On the fuck boy side of things and is playing games, if you feel in your heart that this guy really fucking likes you and it's going to make you happy to go forth and fucking go for it, OK, Daddy gang, that's a gang Dota guy, so I gotta go.

[01:09:35]

How are you fucking feeling? It's so exciting because.

[01:09:40]

Every week, every week in Korona, it feels like Groundhog Day, but at least we get to hang out at least once a week and we can talk about all this shit that's going on. Go follow me on Instagram. It's Alexandra Cooper. Go follow call her daddy on Instagram. It's call her daddy and on Twitter, etc..

[01:09:56]

I have many, many, many, many surprises coming your fucking way right in. Let me know what you guys want to hear on the show next. I'm an open book, but I'm also a little limited because of covid. So, you know, just like let me know and I'll try to make it fucking happen. You know, the fucking drill daddy gang. I will see you fuckers next week.