Daddy gang, what's up fuckers? It is your father. I am here to feed you. You guys are always asking for more content, and so I present to you another podcast, episode 1 of Extra Dirty. You guys just listened to Halle Batchelder on caller daddy, and now she's officially launching her own podcast.

I am so excited for you guys to go on this journey with Halle. I am obsessed with her. She has the craziest stories. She lives in New York City, and I just know it is about to be a wild ride. So enjoy, sit back, relax, and maybe have a cocktail for this 1.

Listen to the first episode of Extra Dirty. Enjoy.

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Hi, my little fucking freaks. We're

having a little fun.

Okay, guys. I'm doing something really fucking stupid right now. We have an emergency debrief situation. Hi. This is Halle from the streets of New York.

I said every intention of staying last night. Welcome to my podcast. Welcome to Extra Dirty. I'm so fucking excited to be here with you guys. I know it's taken a minute.

I know it's taken a long minute, but, guys, perfection takes time. I was gonna come out with something that's, like, fucking shitty and, like, I would have to redo and, like, just kind of ask, like, whatever. I wanted this to be perfect for you guys. Like, I was just being a woman of the people at this point. Okay?

This podcast is gonna be so graphic, so horrendous, so dirty, so slutty. You're gonna look at me so differently. Please keep your AirPods on when you're listening to this podcast. I will say, do not listen to it at church. Do not listen to it at a classroom.

Do not listen to it in front of your parents unless your dad is single. Please, for the love of God, strap in. We're gonna have a fucking fun time. I'm so happy to be here. It's gonna be epic.

I, like, might get canceled. Okay? But if I do get canceled, guys, I wanna be canceled for, like, a really hot, controversial, like, athlete or maybe some, like, hedge fund guy that's gone arrested. I don't know. Like, something interesting, but, like, not too deep.

We'll get into that later. But, anyways, welcome to Extra Dirty. This podcast will not only be Extra Dirty, but probably most of the time, I'll be still, like, living on the fumes of my night before as I have consumed, like, a 100 Extra Dirty Martinis. Like, they'll still be in my system as I sit here and talk to you guys. If you guys don't know me, you know, I kinda just, like, fell into social media.

I started posting on TikTok, like, a year, a year and a half ago. And, honestly, I was just making that platform more of, like, my private story. Honestly, I was like, no one's, like, being honest on this fucking platform. Like, no one's, like, telling the truth or, like, showing any flaw at all. Everything's just like a perfect little, like, clean girl esthetic image of what their life is, and that is just not what life's about.

Life is fucking rough. Anyways, all that shit was very short, formatted content, and I was like, I feel like I could yap for hours about, like, what's going on in my mind. So here we are. Another fake blonde with a podcast. I apologize, but, like, here we are.

Like, I'm not that mad. I feel like on TikTok, I'm so, like, ambiguous. Like, what's going on with my, like, love life? I'm very good about, like, you know, dropping little hints there and here. Like, I definitely sleep around, and I make that noun, but I'm never, like, name dropping.

I'm not, like, a fucking weird freak. So the thing is, like, with what I do and, like, me just talking and doing, like, debriefs online, like, I have a lot of men being like, I wanna stay as far away from this bitch as humanly possible because I fear I might talk about them online. I will. But, like, I'm only gonna talk about you if you give me something, like, to talk about. Usually, like, these men, they, like, piss me off, and they think they can do whatever.

Hi. Sorry. I'm here to talk about it. Why not? So what is going on in my love life right now?

My most recent conquest. I call them conquests because what else are they? I made the mistake of hooking up with this man. He was in the entertainment industry, which, by the way, stays humanly far. Who wait.

Am I in that wait. I'm considered this is the entertainment industry. Right? For for ah, fuck. He was in the entertainment industry and, like, red flag number 1.

I feel like those men are just super narcissistic. Their egos are bigger than my fake tits. Like, it's just a lot of narcissism. Let's call him Old Spice. I'm gonna give a code name for the man.

Let me wet my whistle before I tell this fucking story. ASMR. Also, guys, look at my coaster. It says cock. Alright.

Let's talk about it. Okay. So I met this guy. We got introduced in the middle of the summer, whatever, and he was fucking hot. Like, he was sexy, and, honestly, I don't regret a fucking thing because of how sexy he was.

And I'm the type of girl that I see a hot guy and say we connect. I will sleep with that man that night. And I don't feel bad about that. I feel like that's pretty normal, but just no 1 says that. Like, that's okay, and I don't see why that's frowned upon.

I feel like that's good work ethic. Like, you see, you're praying, go get it. Like, go get it. So, anyways, we met. He wouldn't sleep with me upon first meet, which is probably a green flag for him.

I'll give him that. Probably a red flag for me that I was super pissed off about it. So I never thought I'd see this man again. Anyways, I get a phone call, like, 2 days after I mean, I'd never thought I would talk to this man again, and I missed 2 phone calls, like, from this man. I was like, okay.

Some he must got, like, in a car accident. I don't know what happened. So I go, is everything okay? Like, I was in the middle of moving, whatever. And he was like, no.

I just want to hear your beautiful voice. I'm like, this voice? This vocal fry? You gotta be fucking kidding me. From then on, we started talking.

He would call me for, like, 2 hours every night, and I don't talk on the phone. I'm also, like, a horrible fucking texter. Like, text me if you're making plans or if someone died or if a baby was made. But other than that, like, please do not bother me. So, anyways, we would talk on the phone because this man was fucking hot.

So we would talk on the phone for 2 hours a night, and he would tell me all these stories. He'd be like, what's your hobbies, baby? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And I was like, hobbies? I don't have fucking hobbies. I go out. I, like, drink a little, and then I do what I need to do to make money, and then I watch reality TV and rock in peace. But, anyways, he called me up, and he goes, I wrote this beautiful short story about you, and you were my muse.

And I'm like, what the flying fuck are you talking about? But, anyways, obviously, I want to hear the story, guys. This story was the most insane thing I've ever fucking heard of. Honestly, I hope it goes into production because what? So this is the story you told me.

He goes, so, like, this couple, they meet on a farm. This guy works at a gun range. He teaches people I'm just giving you guys the bullet points. He teaches people how to shoot guns, essentially, whatever. They get set up.

They go on a date, and she's like, what do you do? He's like, I shoot guns. She's like, this prim and proper bitch, and she's like, oh, like, I hate guns. Like, I'm so scared of guns, blah blah blah blah. They fall in love, whatever.

He goes to work, and she starts, like, stealing the guns out of his cabinet and starts, like, fucking ourselves with the gun. And I was like, I don't understand how we got how am I the muse? I was like, how how am I the muse to this fucking story? I do not understand. But anyways, this girl is stealing this man's guns, taking them out of the cabinet, and using them as a big fucking massive rifle dildo.

I was, like, okay. Continue. The end of the story is he walks back into his apartment or his ranch. I don't know. They're on a fucking ranch.

And she's fucking herself with the fucking massive rifle. And he's, like, what the fuck? And she's, like, oh my god. Caught off guard and accidentally pulls the trigger and blows her head off through her body out of her head. I was, like, oh, he likes me.

Oh my god. I was, like, what the actual fuck? It was the weirdest thing ever. But, honestly, me being the person I'm demented to in the head, I was like, this might be a match made in heaven. Anyways, he invites me let's call it Canada.

He invites me to Canada. Okay. Beautiful old Canada. I go, okay. Let me just grab my burr.

Let's go. And I stay out there for, like, a week or so, and we eventually like, the first night, we didn't hook up, but he brought me to this weird ass 3 hour cinematic movie masterpiece. And then just drops me off my hotel, And I was, like, I did not fly and take a kayak and a train and a buzz and roller skates to get here for you to not fuck me. So now I was pissed. I and I was, like, what is this?

Like, I feel like I was getting punked. I was waiting for production to pop out with the little cameras and be, like, what the flying fuck? But no. The next day, he was, like, I have to build rapport with someone before I engage in sexual activity. And I was, like, okay.

Like, we get it. Like, take your pants off. I don't it was getting frustrating just because I was, like, I didn't spend all this money and fly all this way. Alright. You paid for the hotel.

But I didn't spend all this money and fly all this way for us to not be doing cartwheels in your bedroom. So, anyways, the second night and all the nights from there on, we ended up hooking up, and it was fucking crazy. Like, he had studio grade bondage equipment in his drawers that looked like they had tags on him. I don't like, I don't know if he went to Home Depot and purchased all this. For me, like, oh my god.

I was so flattered. But holy hell, this man had put me in a hog tie. Do you know what a hog tie is? Production? Yeah.

You know what it is? Like, it's like Yes. Hold on. Come back. Hold on.

So he hand me like this. It's a picture like oh, so it's like this, and it was like that. Okay? Okay.

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So he had me in a hog tie like this, and I couldn't move. And then he had this extension bar. Like, you know how you put, like, shades up or whatever? It's like a pull they put in between your legs. I don't know what this angle looks like, by the way.

So you put this pull between your legs, and if you move your legs a little more out, you can't go back in. So I dislocated my hip. I literally think I tore my ACL, but it was the craziest. I honestly I would do it again. Honestly, mister Old Spice, you can call me anytime.

You'll always have a seat at my table. But, anyways, that ended tragically for a plethora of reasons. For me, long distance, there's just like, I feel like a physical aspect of a relationship is so important. Yes. The emotional connection's also fine.

But, also, I just don't think I have enough emotional maturity. I'm very self aware, but, like, I'm very toxic. And I guess, like, I have very low emotional IQ. So I just think long distance for me wouldn't work because I would be plotting how to pick fights with someone that's in a different time zone, like, all day long just for, like, my own entertainment. I don't think it was the right fit, not because he was the wrong person.

I think I just have, like, a lot of growing to do, which you'll probably see on this podcast. Like, I'm probably gonna come off as a fucking mess most of the time. I'm not gonna tell you, like, this is how you should be doing things. Honestly, if anything, this is how you should not be doing things, maybe. But it's entertaining, and it's the truth.

Enough of that nonsense, guys. Let's go back into the nitty gritty. I wanna get into my childhood, the origin story. People need to understand the lore, the true lore. How did I become this product?

And, honestly, a lot of it goes back to childhood. A lot of people don't know this. As a child, I was super fucking chubby. Like, it was really cute, but, like, not during the time period where sugar lips were really popular. I was the youngest in my grade, the last to hit puberty, like, all of that stuff.

So I remember, like, all my friends were, like, so petite and skinny and blah blah blah. And I was just, like, chunky monster, like, little chunkster with a boy haircut because, you know, my mom has a really short, cute little pixie haircut, and we thought that would look really cute on me. It doesn't look really cute on a 9 year old that's a little obese. Also, like, maybe don't get that right before you attend an all girls Catholic school. I remember my first day, 5th grade, I walked into the school, and mister fucking Helm yeah.

Shout out mister Helm. I'll always remember this. He goes, oh, where's your sister? Fuck you, mister Helm. Like, that stayed with me forever.

I was super chubby. So, honestly, I felt like the way I was able to make friends was through, like, being funny. I feel like my sense of humor had to carry because my looks weren't. Like, people weren't my friend because I was, like, this hot, cute, little, like, thing. Wait.

Is that weird to say about a 9 year old? I don't, like, I was, like, not a popular girl. I wasn't popular because I was, like, pretty. I was popular because I was funny, and I was kind, and I was able to make friends with everyone. But I remembered in 8th grade was when I first got really skinny.

We had a little bit of an eating issue there. I got really thin, and it was the first time boys recognized me. It was the first time I made friends with, like, the cool girls in my grade. So from that point on, I attributed, like, being super thin to having value as a person, someone that you could be friends with, which started this whole other fucking series of drama. We'll get into that on another date.

But yeah. Anyways, high school, I had 1 boyfriend. He was at the brother I went to an all girls Catholic school. Like, how fucking ironic that is. I'm sitting on a podcast called Extra Dirty, and I went to an all girls Catholic school for 8 years.

PSA to all the parents watching, don't send your child to an all girls Catholic school. It's like caging a wild animal and then releasing them into college. Like, I turned ho because of that. The thing that is interesting about, like, the all girls Catholic school lore is, like, I went to that school for 8 years. I'm not even Catholic.

I don't even I'm Protestant. I'm a CEO. I'm a Christmas Easter only type of bitch. Okay? Like, that church like, a church, he hates to see me coming.

Like, trust me on that. Like, I've literally had sex on a church parking lot. Like, I am not, like, your typical Catholic school girl. Maybe, like, the kind of Catholic school girl you see in pornos, but, like, I'm not your typical, like, prim and proper, like, Blair Waldorf type of bitch. Like, that's just not who I am.

But it was a great school. It was a private school. I wasn't a great student. I was, like, probably a b average student just because I didn't give a fuck. I didn't put, like, my whole pussy into, like, academics, which is fine.

Whatever happened in the great war of 19 nah. Like, I'm not using that right now as I sit on this couch. I just feel like there was no need for me to really dive into academics. I mean, it works for some people, but it just it wasn't my thing. Okay?

Anyways, my parents weren't very strict. I mean, I think some of you have seen my dad online. Like, I post him a lot on my TikTok. He is me personified. Like, I the apple does not fall far from that tree.

He's fucking funny. He's so unserious, and he's, like like, a little cringey, but, like, in a fucking funny way, which I think I am too, to be honest. And then my mom is, like, the complete opposite. They're in, like, in a rock star relationship. You have to have a rock and you have to have a star.

And you both need each other for the whole machine to be well oiled. I feel like that's super important for a relationship. Like, I don't wanna date someone that has a bigger ego than me. Like, we would kill each other. I think we'd act like, it would be on, like, the Daily Mail.

Like, we would kill each other. But, yeah, they weren't strict at all. My mom was more of, like, the emotional support. My dad is more of, like, the financial support. He still is.

Shout out dad for this beautiful apartment. I love you so dearly. Thank you. Oh my god. Dad, I love you.

You're my favorite. When I think about it, actually, have I dated more rocks or more stars? The men I have dated are fucking, no offense, duds. And then they would, like, cheat on me. I remember my first boyfriend.

He cheated on me while I was in rehab for an eating disorder, so it's only I could break out of the cage and go, like, confront him about it. I was dealing I wasn't, like, I was in knitting class. I don't like, I couldn't deal with his bullshit. He was cheating on me with my, like, best friend's twin, and I was knitting and coloring inside the circles and, like, my little kumbaya group trying to heal myself, and he was out there, like, playing me. I was, like, after that, didn't trust any men.

Even if they're a rock or they're a star, men just suck in general. I don't know. I'm still figuring out. It's a whole thing. Going back to my parents, they are amazing.

They're like my best friends. I feel like as I've gotten older, I've appreciated spending so much time with them. Like, I, like, look forward to hanging out with them. They're way cooler than I'll ever be, but they're great people. But, no, they were not strict.

Honestly, I think they just sent me to the all girls private Catholic school so they can get me into a good college. And my dad's rich, so, like, I feel like he can afford the private school. I don't I don't know, guys. Yeah. You're gonna have to ask him when he's on the podcast.

He always used to say, 425 down the drain, which was my tuition, like, per year. The 42 5 down the drain. I would say, like, selling dumb or, like, uneducated or just, like, I can't believe this is the product I've made. He'd be, like, 42 5 down the drain. Fuck.

Like, I've created a monster. It's his fault. We go to Bergdorf together. He brings me there. Like, it's not like I'm going alone.

He comes with me, and he approves of every purchase. Not only does he approve of every purchase, he picks things out. So speaking of my dad, he does commercial real estate development. He fucking absolutely crushes it. He, like, really wanted me to be in it just because our personality types are so similar.

At 1 point in time when I had first moved to New York City, I had literally no idea what I wanted to do. This is before social media. I had no job, and I was luckily able to get away with that for some time. I would host this here and there in the summer on Nantucket. But for the most part, I was not doing anything during the year.

So my parents were like, you need to get a job. Like, you like, this is like you're 24 years old. Like, I don't know what fuck you're doing with yourself. And, also, at the same time, I really wanted a new rack. Like, I really wanted new tits.

So I told my mom. I was like, mom, like, I think I need new tits. They kinda look like a rock in a sock. Like, my weight really fluctuated and, like like, picture a rock in a sock. It's kinda like you know, it's, like, not cute.

So I was like, alright. I need a new chest. And my mom's like, we'll pay for it if you get your real estate license. So I was like, kid in a candy shop. I was like, pen to fucking paper.

I was, like, I got my real estate license within 2 weeks. I think it was honestly a world fucking record. I got that shit so quickly. At the same time, I was seeing this billionaire, and he was oh my god. This is he's gonna be a whole chapter of this podcast, but I'll go a little into the because he kinda goes into this story.

He called me from London 1 morning, and he was, like, fucked up. 7 AM there. And I I was, like, so head over heels over this man. He was, like, 15 years older than me. Like, hedge fund, daddy, saw and he was checked all the boxes besides the fact he was, like, a Peter Pan man.

Like, this man is never going to grow up, never wants to grow up, has a lot of money, can get any fucking bitch he wants. He's also, like, semi attractive. I miss him. He was fun. Alright.

I'm getting distracted. So anyways, at the same time, he also thought I needed new tits. Honestly, I think he planted the seed, which is kinda fucked up. But, like, he was like, I'll pay for them. He was like, Halley, like, I'll Venmo.

So him and his best rich daddy friend both Venmo me 4 grand for my tits. It was, like, 12 grand, but, like, he they both Venmo me 4 grand. They think they own each tit. They named them, like, Francesca and Consuela. I don't know.

Like, they think they own my chest. But little do they know, I pocketed that money. It was just, like, play New York money at that time. I pocketed that money, got my real estate license, and then my parents paid for it. So I ended up getting the fake tits, and I've never sold a fucking house in my life.

But I love a crown molding, and I can appreciate good interior, a 1 bed, a 1 bath. And I know what areas of New York are the best in the city. I know where the daddies are. I know where the rent is the highest, and that's where I typically hang out because I know they can afford nice things. You know the thing about real estate?

It's like location, location, location. Just like you guys right now sitting at your little laptop or your phone or whatever, you're in the right place right now watching the right podcast. Like, look at us. We're just growing together.

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Okay. Now that I've told you guys that different men own each of my tits, I have a little secret to share with you guys. There's actually, currently, right now, as we speak, a man in my bed. I didn't wanna, like, tell you that, but, like, don't ask questions you don't want the answers to. But I feel like we went so hard last night.

I feel like he could use a little bit of the hair of the dog right now. So let's get him up. I feel like Cookie, come here. Lover.

Surprise. I don't know what I feel. It's from the fucking Domino's or the vodka.

Here. Get your fucking mic. Okay. Hi, guys. This is Graydon Cookie Cutler.

Okay, guys. I feel like most of you know who Graydon is, but if you don't, he's, like, my best, most funniest friend. We sleep together all the time. He's so good in bed.

This is true. We do sleep together a lot.

No. Yeah. And you turn on your sound machine. It's always, like, super magical. We get codes in.

Machine. No. I actually do, but I do have my AirPods in watching Real Housewives.

Oh, okay. Well, this morning, I woke up. Halley woke me up, and she said I

took up the whole

Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you, but it was 11:45.

Okay. Okay. But that's my morning. Halley told me that I was taking up the whole entire bed, but this morning, I woke up and her head was on my shoulder.

And he hates physical touch.

You don't like when I cuddle or hug you or anything.

I don't like that because you have a vagine. Okay? If you were a man, I wouldn't mind.

I can't picture you, like, cuddle up with someone. Like, I can't picture you, like, being the big spoon. Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?

I just think, anatomically, I have to be the big spoon. 1 time, I was cuddling with somebody, and I fell asleep and I woke up, and they were just gone. And I'll be honest with you. I really haven't cuddled since.

So have you ever fucked a woman, or are you, like, a gold star?

Do you know what a gold star is?

It's like they had a c section. Right?

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. A gold star is when you have a c section. I'm a gold

like you can't you did not even, like, come out of a vagina. Not only did you not sleep with a woman, you didn't even come out of a woman. You came

out of this stomach. That's actually a good

point. Me teaching you about being gay again.

Well, that's not, like, actually a gold star, but, like, that, like, could be a thing.

That's platinum star. Like,

never touched a badge. Yeah. I'm a gold star. Yeah. I'm

Your mom's c section?

No, Holly. That's not actually what a gold star is. A gold star is when you're gay and you've never been with a girl.

So

you're not a gold star because

I'm a gold star.

Okay.

Yeah. Right. I'm a gold star. Loud and proud.

So, like, let's get back to, like, our origin story. I feel like a lot of people don't know, like, how we became friends, how we met.

We should tell them the story of how we actually met.

Okay. Let's tell it.

You would remember more than me, probably.

Are you really counting on me for memories?

So I walk into this party on Nantucket, obviously, shit faced. This is, like, my first time actually going to Nantucket. The year, I believe, was, like, 2021, right after COVID. So this is my first, like, taste in Nantucket, kind of. And I see this girl, and she's, like, snatched.

She's like her skin's pulled back. I'm like, did she get a I'm like, did she get a face lift? Like, what's going on? And I was like, your skin is so amazing. Like, what do you do when you told me you, like, get your Botox at this girl in New York, but, like, you live in Boston.

So at the time, you were living in Boston, and you would go to New York to get your face done.

I remember this.

Flash forward. I didn't know this bitch lived in was from Boston. In Nantucket. So I thought I was never gonna see you again. And then we were

in Boston on a cold, rainy ass night. Set the

mood set the tone. We're on this yacht. That's where Hallie and I really rekindled.

And I was like, oh my god.

You, like, are from Boston. Like, you're here. Oh my god. Let's hang out. So that's how we started hanging out.

And then I look over, and there is this man, and he was, like, a tech CEO, founder. I think he is his person now.

I yeah. Yeah. I worked for him for

a little bit.

Like, when I was, like, didn't have a job trying to figure out what I was doing, he was, like, a crypto baddie. Like, he, like, promised me all these thing. He used to put me up with the Nomosoho and, like, work on his, like, computer for, like, this new app he was creating.

Like

No offense, but, like, that's all he could afford if he's doing crypto was the Nomosoho.

No. That was a red flag. You were

Yeah.

And he had, like, a No hate to

the Nomosoho.

And he

had this really good friend who was bald that was, like, working on his crypto. This is, like, such a side note. I went on the stay with this man. He was, like, bald and, like, it was the sketchiest thing I've ever done. He promised me, like, $10,000 in, like, fiscal cash.

No. And he said he would only give it to me if I

Sucked him? Fucked him?

I didn't

suck him. I unfuck him. He was bald.

So?

He looked like mister Clean. So he shows up to this date with a suitcase of $10 in cash and gave it to me.

Did you keep it?

Yeah. What'd

you have to do?

My UTI, and I couldn't hang out with him for the rest of the week. That made me sound like kind of an escort. It wasn't like that. I didn't even kiss him. Honestly, I feel like he got bamboozled that night.

Anyway, I hope he's well. But I looked over my shoulder, and his pants were down to his ankles, and his whole entire asshole was out.

No. He's cheek spread.

Cheeks spread, blackout drunk, and I was like, is somebody gonna put this guy's pants on? I can't be looking at this.

Insane. We had people seasick. The waves were tumultuous, and this man is, like, ripping his asshole apart, like, basically in a futile position. Like, I like Anyway I've seen darker parts of that man and

Yeah. His internal organs. His throat from behind. It was crazy.

You can't say that.

Yeah. You know, I think we shared that moment of seeing this man's asshole.

We really

And that's when we became friends.

We're you're right. This.

We've been through it.

Wait. Speaking of men with gaping assholes, when was the last time you have entered or have been entered? Via throat, via ass, via ear with a man?

Via ear, like, yesterday. It's been a really long drought, and I feel like I'm, like, in the Sahara Desert, like, 1 of those animals who, like, can't really access the watering hole. And it's not I don't think it's the rain that's, like, blocking me from accessing water. I'm starting to think it's me.

No. I think your type is bad. Your type is straight men, so that automatically sets you up for failure.

Okay. I would just like to correct. Like, it's not straight men.

No. It is. It's

just mass like, I like a more masculine man, which is totally fine, but I don't know. I mean, I definitely don't think my TikTok videos help.

When was your last sexual encounter flaying romance? A spark that lit a fire under your beautiful plump ass.

Oh, that's

so sweet. Thank you.

You're welcome.

The last time let's just go with the last time I got diddled, or diddled somebody else.

That sounds illegal.

I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't remember.

No. Like, you have to, like I'm telling you right now how to pick a date.

Over over a year ago probably that I fucked. I've sucked.

You're the sucking queen.

I used to be. Not anymore.

We're going out tonight again.

Tonight, Holly is having a party. I think tonight's my night where, like, I really want my eyes to cross. Last night, we were pretty drunk, but tonight, I wanna be even more drunk.

Anyways, I feel like we could go on and on about fucking crazy stories we've been. Like, we've seen so much together. Like, besides, like, the darkest parts of people's assholes, I think we've seen

a lot of Lauren.

We fucking forget the week's here.

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Hey. Lauren's here.

Guys, this is Lauren.

Hi. Lauren's here.

Guys, I'm here. We're the 3 best friends that anyone could have. We're the 3 best friends.

Anyway, welcome to the casting couch.

Thanks, guys.

I feel very welcome.

I know.

Oh, should

we all

touch each other? Yeah. I know.

I don't like that. It's a whole hand.

No. Just let us.

No. No. I'm

Alright. I see how it is.

Alright. Hey. Guys, if you don't know Lauren, Lauren's the 1 that, like, makes she's the reason I'm alive. I feel like she keeps my schedule together. It sounds like you work for me.

No. I, like, might be production. No. She's when I call production in my TikTok, she is production I am calling for. Yeah.

Like, I wouldn't show up to anything on time. I'm not a planner. True. I am just a personality hire. Yeah.

Yeah.

Phish is just good at getting shit done.

She's also really good in bed. Oh my Wait. She shows me her sex tapes all the time. It's like watching getting right into it. You know when you're, like, on, like, a sports team and they, like, rewatch tape to, like, see where they, like, could have, like, done better?

Mhmm.

I'm that person. You're that person. Yes.

Do you have any feedback?

You're amazing. Recoil is insane.

What happens to you when that

No. I don't. We we'll go inside now. Okay. But anyways, this is Lauren.

Introduce yourself, my little freak of the week.

I'm Lauren. I'm from New Jersey. That's, like, probably the most uninteresting thing about me. But me and Halley have been best friends for, like, 6 years now? 6 years?

Yeah. So my my college roommate was Hallie's best friend from high school, and then we met, and we fell in love.

We did. We did.

We had a week of just going out straight together. Every single night, we would go to bed.

Sounds like you're legit, lesbos.

A week ago, it was, like, a year. Last last week,

we went accidentally ended up at a gay bar, and it was, like, all lesbian couples are

on this. There was flags everywhere. We had no idea.

Bar or gay bar? Or No. It was

a gay bar. Popular.

There was, like, a lot of lesbian couples. Right. We were just, like, sitting there.

We were 1 of them.

Yeah. No. Yeah.

We were 1 of them.

We were

1 of them. I think people thought that we were 1 of them. Oh, definitely. Definitely, people thought I was chowing down on you, mowing

the lawn Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Putting from the rough, the whole 9. Yeah.

Munching muffin. Yeah.

Anyways, we

have known each other for how many years? 6 years now.

You've never seen me in a relationship.

I haven't, but I've seen you in multiple situationships.

I think that's always crazy that you've never seen me committed.

Yeah. And you've only seen me committed.

I I was committed to them. They weren't committed to you. No. No.

You thought they were.

I thought.

And I was always trying to, like, tell. I was like, they're not hot even though

some of them were. I was

like, they're not hot, Hallie. Like, you like, you could do so much better. And now looking back, we're like, fuck. They're really hot. The cross is hot.

The cross is really hot. But I was trying I'm I was very convincing. I was like, he's not hot. Trust me. He's the hottest guy I've

ever caught with ever in my whole entire life.

Yeah.

So you have a boyfriend. We love him.

We love him. Actually, you didn't like him at first, though. You didn't?

I didn't like that I had He

hit on Hallie

No. In front of me.

No. He didn't. Yes. He did. He added.

He wants to snap down in front of me when he didn't like me.

No. Yeah. To do a subs? No.

No. No. Here's what happened. Here's what happened. My boyfriend now, at the time, like, didn't want anything to do with me.

And Yeah. In yeah. And, like, in order to, like, show me how he didn't wanna have anything to do with me, he was like, I'm just gonna, like, flirt in front of her. I'm gonna, like, add her best friend on Snapchat. And, like, would, like, put his phone down so I could see everything.

This is when he was, like, mean. And then this heck

and Didn't he fuck boy face?

Right? He had

a fuck boy. Is that?

No. He's, like, perfect. But, like, for those, like he's an angel, but, like, he wasn't an angel until the second that he asked me to be his girlfriend.

Mhmm.

Up until then, I was a doormat.

Mhmm. And, like, all in total.

Did you like being doormat, or did you like?

And you were thick. You were so thick. Lauren used to, like, show up at, like, my house on Nantucket, and, like, we were in, like, AF ones and, like, Jordans.

Yeah. I wore, like, Jordans with, like, Nike Medcalfs to the beach. No.

And you got together. George. No. That was

A brick? Dior Jordan.

Your face?

Yeah. They were, like, custom made. Like, they just, like, took Dior.

The fabric?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That is extremely ghetto.

And you wore leather pants to the beach, but here we are.

They were real leather. Then you met Jordan. You guys fell in love so deeply. He also has a massive piece.

Oh. Yeah.

Jordan's like a walking tripod. You know, like that thing that's holding up this camera right now, that looks like Jordan has a 3rd leg. That man, if, like, a gust of wind ever hit him from behind, he would be standing up still.

I love that brand. And I

love that brand.

He deserves that, honestly. He does

deserve that.

He deserves a big dick.

He has, like, short arms, but he's making up for it.

Sounds like a T

Rex guy.

Yeah. I He

has short limbs, but a big dick. Short limbs.

Yeah. He's like tyrannosauruses. Think he, like, lifts so much. Those arms, like, progressively, like, get higher.

Oh. 0, what? Totally.

He does have short biceps. Yeah. He's got a really

long torso. We're not body shaming Jordan on episode 1. We love Jordan.

No. We're complimenting. Yeah.

We're gonna talk about this later. The thing is that's nice about me and Lauren is, like, we have very different taste in men. I think we all have very different taste in men, honestly. Yeah. Like

Especially me.

Actually, I feel like

you guys have the same taste in men. I feel feel like you would go for someone like Jordan.

A pretty boy. No. No. You would

go for Jordan.

I would go for Jordan. I'll go for Jordan right now. Tell him to come over.

Jordan. Jordan loves you. Jordan Jordan loves Jordan. You and Jordan have a very special relationship.

Yeah. We do. Anyway, enough about him.

Yeah. So we're going out tonight. What is the pregame gonna look like you think? I'm, like, terrified the fact that we have to get ready in, like, an hour and a half.

Should we tell them what the pregames usually look like?

Yeah. Let's tell them.

Okay. Let's let's run through it.

Well, I don't really drink that much.

Which is amazing for us.

Yes. Because I'm always driving if it's in if we're in Nantucket. Mhmm. Or I'm always, you know, directing. Mhmm.

I used to hate it. I feel like when you're younger, you're like, you're not taking shots. And now we're like

Don't take a shot.

I feel like you

should. Because take this shot? Because I don't want a Uber on Nantucket, and she is the DD. She is trusted by my parents. That's true.

The vehicle That is

She's all the insurance. Yeah. Like

Yeah. Should be other than some other siblings. But

Fish is the type of person where she can go out and, like, have like, you'll have, like, 1 drink.

Yeah.

But, like, you don't need to be, like, shit faced to have fun. Like, you always have fun.

I'm there for the music. I am there for the networking.

You used to go out to network.

Yeah. Holly would drink for us, and I would network for us. And, honestly It works. It worked about pretty well

for us. Here we are. Here we are.

But yeah. No. Holly's and Graydon are probably ripping shots together. I am looking on in amazement. Mhmm.

Oh, shoot. You're cheering

us on.

On is crazy.

I am looking on in amazement. I'm like, wow. I would die. I would be in the hospital.

Sounds like shade you're throwing. No. But, anyways, we might die, but in a positive way. In a way that, like, we'll go out with a bang, hopefully. But the pregame, what are what are we having people over tonight?

And then I'm throwing a party later in the evening in the wee hours of the night. I will be so cross eyed. I will be caught crossing both streets at once because I'm gonna be like, it's Mhmm.

People used to like or I don't know if people do still think this, but, like, some people think it's a bit that, like, you're crossing cross eyed. No. No. Like, you fully

I had meningitis. That's cruel. No. I had meningitis as a toddler.

I had it too. We both almost died. But you're not cross eyed. I almost died, like, your house.

But I'm not cross eyed. I had a brain infection when I was 2 that affected my equilibrium. So they used to call me head wound, Holly. I would just fall over, tip over, like, just simple tasks like walking. So then I turned completely cross eyed like this.

Production zoom in. I'm looking at both screens right now. No. Literally, I would get so cross eyed. So at 6, I got contacts.

But when I drink, the muscles behind my eyes, I keep them straight normally. Even right now, I'm, like, give out teetering. If I'm tired or a little tipsy, my eyes will just give out strength, and I'll just go like this. So that's when Lauren knows

That it's time to take the the tap. And you know it's great, and I think I've said this before. But when someone looks at us, I'm like, they're, like, you're leaving. You're leaving so early. I'm like, look at her.

And I was

like, that's

what you

do? Yeah. That is such a compliment.

Just, like, nod your head. You're like, yep. Look look over here.

Look at her eyes. They're like, oh, of course. Take her home. Oh, yeah. That's how you get out of going.

Like, leaving. Yeah. Yeah. Look at her.

They're like, we totally understand. Like, take your time getting out. I hope you get home safe.

See when you get back. Make sure you

get her home safe.

I'm screaming.

And, honestly, Holly, I think we should start using that moving forward. Like, if we're just not having good times. Yeah.

You're so so beautiful.

Do you just go to them and cut them off?

Like, look at her. Oh, that's so real. Yeah. We should do

that. Yeah.

I think that's our new cop out. Because I hate, like, I hate being, like, pressured to stay.

It's a good cop out, but just, like, loop me in. Yeah. I got you. Next time.

But, like, sometimes, like, you're just out of it. I can't loop you in. You're you're looped out. I'm never that

out of it. Don't drink. Stay in school. I really don't wanna go out tonight. I'm not gonna lie, guys.

It's your party.

It's literally hosted by you. You're on the invite.

You are hosting the party. You have to go.

Yeah. Honestly, well, what's fine is Hallie's hosting a pregame, and I think what's so great about

my glassware. It's your glassware.

Are

you gonna let other people use it?

No. Not can I use it? Yeah. You can use it. You're not a drunk like the rest of people coming over.

Also, though, like, I love that all our friends have meshed.

Yeah. That's so important.

Well, us, but also, like, your home friends, my school friends. I don't

have really I feel like besides you guys,

I don't really have that many more friends.

Real friends, I would consider, like, oh, like, I could trust them with your dirtiest, dirtiest secret. I mean, I'm telling everyone else here my dirtiest, darkest secrets. But, yeah, things that would probably get me in, like, in trouble with the police. Yeah. Like, those things.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like I'm in trust.

Help you

get away with anything.

Yeah. Yeah.

Like, would you bury your body for me?

Yeah. Great. And what's our relationship?

Yeah. So how does the dynamic work here? You're probably wondering because Yeah. I'm so perfect. And, like, they're like, oh my god.

Holly, you're so perfect. Like, how can we, like, share time? I had to split between the both of them. It's like, I'm divorced parents, like, the product of how do you guys get along? How do you co parent this beast?

I would so I'm a Cancer leocusp, and I couldn't really tell you

what the fuck that

means. I

can't wait.

I'm a Leo Cancer cusp.

She's a Wait. Wait. What? Leo Cancer cusp?

Yeah. She's a not. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Cancer leocusp.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm the same. Same. We're the same.

You're July 20 second. Yeah. I'm July 23rd.

Oh, yeah.

I'm the 1st day of leave at leave.

Have the same

Oh my god. Cost. Significant cost.

We have, like, the same cost, but different, like, like like, fire sign. No. No. No. No.

No. Like, main main sign. No.

We need to get her to her or something. But Fish and I just have a really sensitive, like, loving connection.

We do.

You know? Although she's way more sensitive than me.

I'm sensitive, and I'm thinking

She makes her cry.

Crime. Like, you will, like, have my back.

Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes, Holly goes for her throat.

No. Well, sometimes I get very angry.

Sometimes, Holly gets, like at the end of the night, she'll be really drunk, and she'll sometimes jump on the neck.

And, like, not in a mean way. I'm just very sensitive. Like, I take everything so seriously.

Mhmm. Like, it's really hard to argue with you.

Yeah. Because you will cry. I will cry.

Yeah. That's true.

And I'm

like, that's it. Like, she never wants to see me again. Like, that's it. Our friendship is over. Like, all over because she was like I don't know.

Like, what what has she said to me before

she Wait.

Who? Where

is it? I'm, like, thinking about a time where, like, I took it so personally.

Like, the summer on your birthday? Like

Oh, yeah. Into

it? You were so

sensitive, so sensitive.

People that were staying at my house wanted to go to dinner with me.

Yeah. They were staying

at my house, but you, like, you would auction them off to my house because they couldn't stay at your boyfriend's house.

No. No.

Actually, we

should talk

about that.

That's not true. Because that was boring. No. That was bad. And you're like, you weren't coming to my thing?

And I was like, wait. They're staying at my house.

No. No. No. No. I was just I felt left out because normally in Nantucket, I always stay at your house, and this is the first time that I wasn't staying at your house where, like, everyone was there.

So I was, like, feeling left out. And because I was feeling left out, I just started crying at Cisco. And, actually, I'm mortified, and my boyfriend's brother likes to bring it up now. He's like, are

you gonna cry? Are you gonna cry like you cried at Cisco? I'm glad he does.

So close? Yeah.

Because he should have been in a marriage. Yeah. You're being a weird little freak man.

I was being a freak. Yeah.

And I was like

and then I came home, and I was like, pallet. I was like, hello, babe.

You can come to dinner too, but, like, you're still like, no. And I was around the block. You were also staying at your boyfriend. So I was, like, are you gonna leave your boyfriend and their family and their cookout, their brother, do the thing that they're throwing for you and come to my parents?

Look at

me in the eyes. Yes. I will leave him. That's fucking weird. Date.

Just kidding. Yeah. I'm thinking about the Hamptons strip now.

Oh, the Hamptons strip, guys.

That's what I was referring to.

Yeah. No, guys. We were Yeah.

We forgot what happened.

We went it was a brand trip. It

was, like,

1 of the first brand trips I've ever been on, but, like, we were sharing a room. The

3 of us.

Luke was there too.

No. No.

It was just us 3. No.

It was just us 3.

We were at Okay.

She was there for another 1. This 1 was just us 3, and I was being the, like, I was being the plus 1. I got there. I opened up every single present. I got into the pajamas that were on my bed.

As you should. As

you should. I stole some of Graden's products. Like, I was I was fucking there.

Mhmm.

But, like, we went to Surf Lodge. Yeah. A guy in your building

Wait. I I ran into him today, yesterday. I run into

him every single day.

His name is Chow Down.

What? His name is Chow Down. You.

Well, that's name. His name is Chow Down. He lives in my building. I literally have the exact same schedule as him. I saw him this morning.

I saw him yesterday.

That's a story.

We met at Surf Lodge, and I was drunk, and I said, come back. And I was

just really cute. He's really cute. He's really tall. And I was

like Weird, though. His giggles are. He's telling, hi, you know.

I wasn't here

this weekend. Really nervous. You weren't there.

Weekend prior.

This is the weekend with Liv.

Yeah. Yeah. You weren't there. Yeah.

And we brought him back.

He went down on me in front of

yeah. In front of us. Me and Liv were, like, hiding in the bathroom, and we were like, okay. Well, it's been, like, 2 minutes. Maybe you should come out now.

We come out. You're giving me 2 minutes

to work my masterpiece? Yeah. We it didn't seem like you were feeling it because his laugh was really weird. I don't know. Yeah.

And then we came out, and we were like, show us what you were doing.

Okay. I received a video Yes. This night. Yeah. Do we wanna talk about that?

That that was that was ChowDao.

That was ChowDao. From you?

No. No. That was

from me. Okay.

Or the live event group chat.

It was Liverfish sent it to me, and there's this I see this hair underneath the sheet, and Hallie's there. And I'm like, is she, like, playing with, like, a stuffed animal? Like, why why is her hair under the sheets? It was mister Chow Down Chow ing Down.

Chow ing Down.

Underneath the shirt.

Name I was just getting a voice.

Mhmm.

Yeah. He's a nice guy.

And then we sent him on his way.

It's funny because I'll get those videos, and I will not think 1 thing of it.

Sleepover. We're like, alright. You have to go.

Bye. We, like, literally, the way that we, like, hurried that man out of the room, like, he didn't even have time to put his shoes on He was like by the time he was outside.

He was weird, though. He was a weird little freak.

Yeah. But, anyway, I live in the same building as him, and I see him every single day. And I'm like, hey. And he's like, hey. How are you doing?

And then, you know, we talk about something for, like, the 30 seconds of the elevator ride, the minute to the fucking outdoors and yeah. Every day.

That's the worst.

Yeah. Poor man, mister ChowDown. Okay. Like, we needed to wrap this up. We need to get ready with the shower, the bathe.

I'm sure Graydon has to take a nap. Mhmm. I need to take a couple shots. I think before we go, guys, we should give a little, like, Real Housewives tagline. Like, what would, like, you know, zhoosh up the ending of this?

Yes. Okay?

Yes. Yes. You can

start and then Lauren, and then I have to think of mine because okay.

Wait. I love this. Okay. Let's run it back.

This

is your moment to shine.

If you won't suck my Kwaki, at least drink 1.

Period.

You like that?

You like that? I don't suck your Kwaki. Oh.

That was good. Alright, Lauren. You go. Alright. Where am I looking?

I may not drink, but I eat every day. Period. I am screaming. I do eat every day. No.

You do. Yeah.

Used to be. It

was thick.

I see. More than once a day.

I don't even know what mine would be. You got it. Like, you miss a 100% of the cum shots you

don't take.

Period. Period.

Alright, guys. Cheerling. Yay. Thank you. Alright.

Alright. So, like, let's wrap it up, guys. Okay. We have to get ready with go take shots. This has been so much fun.

I'm so excited for everyone to be here even if, like, you're just here to, like, make fun of me if I'm cr I don't fucking care. We're gonna have so much fun. This was amazing. You're gonna see a lot more of this situation going on. It's gonna be a lot of chaos, a lot of unhinged raw energy.

We're gonna raw dog this whole fucking thing. Subscribe, like, review, give us 5 stars, all that fucking shit. You can find us on all platforms, wherever you watch your podcast, YouTube, whatever whatever floats your fucking boat. Anyways, happy to be here. Love you all, and thank you.

Episode 1. Let's fucking do it. Bye. Bye. Football.

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