What is up, daddy?

Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with call her daddy, Heather McMahon. Welcome to call her dad.

Hi, honey. How are you?

I am obsessed with you. Just for context, to everyone that doesn't know, we met virtually while I was in Paris.

Yes.

You popped on to my live show. I had the best time with you.

It was so much fun, and it was like 06:00 a.m. at home, and. And your team was like, hey, do you have a couple wigs that you could just throw on real quick? And I'm like, yeah, sure. Let me just go down to my office and get my wigs.

Yeah, you pulled out all the subs, but I'm more Heather. Like, how the fuck have we never met before?

I know. I feel like this is now a kismet moment, right? We've been circling in this. Well, we've been, like, on the. You know, we've been circling around.

We're on the outside.

We were circling the drain, and now we're just fully going to the gutter.

You're close with Jackie Shimmel?

Yes. Jackie's, like my best friend, and every.

Time I feel like she's ever. I've ever heard her talk about you, she's like, she's the funniest person I've ever met. And I'm like, well, first I thought Jackie was the funniest person I've ever met. And love you, Jackie.

You're way more hysterical.

You're funnier. I watched your stand up, which we're gonna get to. Yeah, it's fucking amazing.

You're so sweet. Thank you.

Like, I was doing my makeup this morning, watching it, laughing, like, hysterically.

I like that.

It's fucking brilliant.

Did you like. That's the response. I love when people are like, hey, I think I got a UTI. After watching your special, I'm like, I fucking did my.

It's how I felt. Also, I just want to let you know that I'm on, like, too many cups of coffee right now because last night, I didn't sleep for a fucking minute because my dog has explosive diarrhea.

Oh, I've been there, honey. I have two french bulldogs. It is a dry heat. It is a. Every morning I wake up and I bought, like, expensive sheets. That's one of the things I did when I started making money to treat myself.

Classic.

There is. My thread count is so fucked. There is a Frenchie barf every single night in the middle of the night.

But I feel like you would prefer a barf over diarrhea honestly, at this.

Point, it's all starting to look and smell the same. So it's not great either way. It comes out.

No, Heather. I literally was like, so I'm watching tv last night. My husband falls asleep early. It's, like, 1130. I'm watching, like, the perfect couple with Nicole Kidman. Oh.

Which is.

It's a thing.

I've got feelings.

Yeah, yeah, I have feelings too, but, you know, there's nothing to watch. So I'm, like, trying to enjoy myself. Matt's like, I can't watch this trash. I'm like, shut the fuck up, then go to bed.

Right?

I hear the little noise, and I'm.

Like, you hear it from the stomach. Like the gurgle. That wet gurgle. That's the worst.

It's more of a little bit of, like some farts.

Yeah, yeah, some bubbles. Did your dog fart?

It was more of like a splatter. Like a big splatter. People hate when I talk about shit on this show, but I don't give a shit.

Okay, you're in your thirties, and you haven't shit yourself at a Costco in the last six months. Then you actually need to see a doctor. Get your life right.

Like, fuck off. Okay. So he's splattering.

Yeah.

And I wake my husband up, and I'm like, Matt, Bruce just shit all over the carpet, right? And Matt is like, what do you.

Want me to do?

Go clean it up now? I have never cleaned their shit, ever. If it's, like, in the house, Matt is the best. And I want to talk to you about Jeff, your husband, today.

Yeah, we'll get into that. Yeah, let's talk about Jeff.

Yeah, we're going to talk about our husbands. Because I look at Matt, like, mortified. Matt never makes me really do much around the house. He's kind of like the house man. You know, Ellen, we're the breadwinners.

Yes.

Well, Matt's also doing fine, but whatever.

Yeah.

So he won't get up. And I am on my hands and knees, and I am doing the Clorox. I'm doing it all. An hour later, he shits again. And 2 hours later, he shits again. So you are seeing a woman who is broken today.

I'm seeing a woman who has literally had herself elbows deep in golden doodle doo doo. So I'm here for support. I actually have been having, like, the worst anxiety the last two days.

Why?

Just there's so much shit going on. And this is what I've been looking forward to most. It's just, like, I wear 65 different hats. And literally, I was at dinner last night trying to enjoy a nice, you know, porcini risotto, and I literally was, like, kind of, like, you know, geeking out a little bit.

Cause it's just. Do you get.

Oh, short circuiting. I thought I had a stroke at dinner. And I was like, is it the aperol spritz? Do I need a beta blocker? Do I need a lord tab? Like, what about a little bit of both? I just took a Benadryl, and I just let it fly.

Do you get anxiety a lot?

I never really had bad anxiety until my life started getting good, which is weird. I think it's a pressure thing. I think you just. And I travel so much.

I think.

I don't know what time zone I'm in.

Ever sick.

Yeah, it was, like, when life was tough, I was just cruising. When life got, like, things started to start flowing, I think that's when I started to get anxious. Why?

Cause you think it's, like, there's more to lose. Like, when you're on the up and up, you're like, I have nothing. I am worth nothing. I'm a loser.

Rock bottom. I was like, fuck you, pussy poppins. Let's ride. And now I'm just like, oh. People are relying on me. There are comments on the Internet. I don't know. We're good.

This is a safe space. The daddy gang is gonna fucking love you. And you're funny as fuck, and so you're funnier than probably everyone that I've had. Sit in this chair. So just do your fucking thing.

I know everyone calls you daddy and father, but my dad is dead. Can I just call you dad? Cause I'm looking for a father figure in my life.

Call me dad. I'm here for you. I've had a lot of girls reach out, being like, I had a deadbeat dad. Like, you're my dad. You're my father figure. Whatever way I can fit in botherly to your life. I'm here for you, Heather. I'm so sorry about your dad. But it happens, but I'm here.

Okay, great.

Okay. We need to talk about golf, because it consumes my life, Heather. And I know a huge part of your stand up is you talking about your fucking husband golfing.

The fucking golf.

It is. Like, every woman understands it. The golf widow thing is so fucking real. Talk to me about, like, where you're at in your golf journey. Have you seen him lately? Has he been on the golf course, often, like, what's happening?

I was, you know, getting full glam this morning. Running around, taking calls, answering emails. And my husband's buddy put us in a group chat and sent me a photo. My husband's playing some prestigious course in the middle of nowhere, like rock, you know, upstairs. And it's just like, look at, you know, look at big daddy swing. And I respond, I'm fucking working. Go home. Take care of our frenchy children. Get the fuck out of here.

You're like, I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck if he's, you know, letting it rip. I need. Oh, you're stuck in a sand trap. Not my problem.

It's so crazy. Matt is having, like, the biggest existential crisis. Cause his country club, even that word, it does make me kind of, like, clench my butthole a little bit. He's our country club. And I say, your country club? He's like, it's ours, Alex. Like, you're my wife. Wife now. Like, you're a member. I'm like, I'm never going. I don't know, maybe I will. Like. But he is freaking out. Cause it's getting closed for, like, some construction.

Oh, just the Corsi.

Oh. And so he's trying to get it. Get it in, get it in. Let's go. We gotta go play. I'm like, oh, my God. You're never home.

I have one stipulation. So we're at our country club, and I actually think you would thrive as a country club, girly. I don't think people give country clubs. Yes, there are archaic practices there. But I love going to my country club. It's the one I grew up at, the one my grandparents remembers of. I hang out with a pack of, like, 75 year old women. They play bridge, we drink white wine, and nobody gives me shit. You know what I mean? But I did say there is a stipulation, like, in our prenup, because I am actually the actual member of the country club. Cause I was a legacy. So my thing is, if, like, we ever divorced, like, I get the club membership. And if you don't think I'm going into the men's locker room and ripping jeff's plaque off of his locker, you must not know me.

Oh, my God. You're gonna be married forever. Even if you hate him, he's never leaving.

You and I do have a great husband. So shout out to jeff, you, this whole episode. But I do when I'm there. He got mad one day because they didn't know, like under our membership, you know, they would always refer to him as mister mcMahon. And he got upset one day. He was like, you know, it's just, they don't know. I said, then, jeff, correct them. Let them know that you are mister daniels. Cause I didn't take my husband's last name. I'm in entertainment. I didn't want to do it. It's our kids will be Daniels. Live your life. And I was like, imagine what every woman feels like, you know what I mean? If I check into a hotel and they refer to me as Miss Daniels, I go, gladly, right? Like, don't let that like bruise your ego, right? No. And pump the brakes, buddy. You got a tea time to make.

It is so fucking true. They get like, I will be sitting in the hotel and Matt will hear like, hi, mister Cooper. And he's like, and I'm like, it's okay, Matt, stand up for yourself or shut the fuck up. Like I have. And I will continue to have to do for the x amount of years that people will say like, hi, misses Kaplan, and I'm misses Cooper. And I'm like, I don't care. I don't care. Because it's not emasculating me. My vagina set and fine, like, golf esthetic.

Oh, yeah, let's talk about it.

Um, the golf outfits look pretty bad for women.

Yeah, it's, it's pretty farty. It's, it's rough. It's a, like a pleated chino short that tucks right underneath where your bra fat is. It's, it's absolutely awful. I'm trying to fix it, so give me a little time. No, it's trying to fix it.

How do you feel when Jeff saunters down in the morning wearing his golf outfit? Like, are you okay with the male golf outfits or are you like, okay.

So the way I feel about it is, you know, I say this in the special, but like, any man who wears a visor that's an immediate. My vagina just shrivels up. Cause here's the thing. First of all, it looks like you can't afford the whole hat, you know what I mean? I don't know these men in visors. And then my husband will drive home from like, the golf course, you know, sunroof is open, he's had a good match. He's singing, you know, Natasha bedding field. I feel the rain on my skin. And his, like, hair is like, flipped over the visor. So he comes in sweaties and a Peter Millar shirt. Grass on his. She knows. And I just go, I'm not trying to have sex with you right now.

Why do they come back horny after golf?

Because they feel empowered. Because they went out and won $5 on the golf course. Let's fucking do it.

So I was thinking about that in your special cause. I'm like, okay. They come home, and Matt does the same thing. Like, Matt is successful. Like, he does great business. He will come home and be like, I won $50. And I'm literally like.

He's like, the funny to blow me. Like, no, take a shower. You smell like the outdoors. Get out of here.

But they're so excited.

Excited about, like, that $5 or that conquered something. It's. Work is one thing, but when you're out there, when you're in a forsome with guys and they're, you know, it's all shit talking, and they're like, oh, here goes Jeff. He's got a 40 foot putt, and he makes it. There is nothing that gives a man a bigger boner than sinking a putt.

It's infuriating.

It is infuriating. And I try and think about, like, it, like, what makes me that horny? And I think it. I'm really stepping up my golf game because I played growing up, and now I'm like, I really do. I want to play because it's a great sport, but I also just want to steal the joy of the, you know, the one thing that gives Jeff joy. And he's like, I love when you play with me. And we have a great time. We go out, and it's like. I mean, I. You know, I drink wine and, you know, rip some old cigs and just have a blast in the outdoors. But I am trying to get better to beat him. Cause I do. I need that for my ego.

Right? You're, like, sneaky on the competitive. You're like, oh, I guess I'll play, too, Jeff. Meanwhile, you're, like, getting sessions in the back. You're getting full, like, coaching sessions.

I have three coaches right now.

Have.

So I have a gal on the LPGA. Shout out to Maria Fosse, who I send videos to. And she literally is like, we got to tighten up the swing. Oh, yeah, I'm getting good.

But Jeff doesn't even know. So one day, you're gonna come through.

Gonna hear this and be like, you bitch. You liar.

Okay, so we don't roast our husbands this entire episode.

No, Jen's the best. He puts up with my shit.

I was.

Jeff is the only person who can look at me and be like, sit down. Shut the fuck up. You're being crazy. And I'm like, yes, sir. Yes. Okay, daddy.

Yes, papa.

Yes.

I was gonna say, give me some, like, talk about some of your favorite things about Jeff, because then we're gonna keep roasting.

Yeah, we'll get right back to the roast. No, Jeff is honestly, like, you know, it's interesting if you ever, like, hang out with other couples and you can tell they're not actually buddies. Like, Jeff is my buddy. I mean, yeah, we fuck hard, but, like, he is my buddy. I don't want to hang out with anybody else other than him. Like, of course, I love hanging out with my friends, but, like, we fucking giggle together. And I think that's, no, it's what you need. It's what you need because you're stuck with this person.

No. And it's so true. Like, I used to cringe online when I would hear people being like, he's my best friend. No, he is. Like, Matt is my best friend.

If they're not your friend, what are you doing?

Right, right. Just don't say it like that. Like, girls, be like, he's my best friend, and we brought our forever home together. I don't just.

We have matching butterfly tattoos. Like, I got one wing, he is the other. Like, okay, then you're. It's absolutely headed for divorce.

Tone it down.

Also, Jeff is, you know, I mean, listen, I'm a comic. I get up on stage, I rip him a new asshole. I talk about, you know, personal, intimate things in our life, and he lets me do it. And not that he, like, gives me permission, but I said early on, I was like, you know, I need you to be cool with me talking my truth and from my point of view and my perspective. And he's like, honey, I never. He is so proud of me when I'm on stage and seeing him get excited when I'm having a moment. There is no ego in him. He is never threatened. He is like, go, let it rip. Do your fucking thing. And that's what makes me horny. So he's horny on the golf course. I come off stage and he's, like, waiting in the wings. He's like, you fucking crushed. I'm like, I am ready to sit on your face. Yes, I'm getting kind of horny right now. I know we went from anxiety. I'm a little horny. I mean, I don't know. This is a wave of emotions here.

No, it is. When you start talking about sex on this show. Sometimes people are like, oh, I gotta leave and go fuck my husband or my fiance or whoever the fuck. So enjoy. You're welcome. Jeff, you're so successful as a comedian. Have you always been funny? Talk to me. You, as a child, what was going on? Is Heather funny?

Well, I, you know, I was a fudgy kid. I. And that. I was the kid who, like, always had, like, a quarter pound of fudge in their. In their backpack. So, yeah, I think I had to be be funny. But no, I I always, you know, I was always in theater, and I always knew I wanted to do comedy. I mean, since I was, like, six, I was like, I'm gonna be. I'm gonna tell jokes. And I. The first time I did stand up was at my junior prom, and I roasted the senior class, and that was, like, one of those pivotal moments. I was always doing theater, and I was like, you know, think about how awkward high school is. Most awkward time of your life.

Right.

I must be a sociopath if I was like, I want to go up there and roast the seniors and stand up. Like, that could have been social suicide.

We need to pause because. Hold on. You did stand up at your prom. Pause. Are you at the prom, like, also with the date?

Yes, I am with a senior who invited me.

So you're in a gown?

I'm in a gown. And no one knew, so, yeah, so I pop up, literally, from under a table with the microphone. I'm like, are y'all ready to rock? We have the video of it, and it's just. It's insane.

I have never heard of this. Like, at a prom, there's usually, like, a band.

No, I was the surprise entertainment. Yeah. Yeah, it was insane. And so I get up and I do, like, 20 minutes, and I remember walking off stage and thinking, oh, fucked, I have to do this forever. So then I just. I kind of never stopped.

Cause you just knew.

I knew.

Yeah, but, like, were you confident? Like, you didn't give a fuck what people were gonna think about you at school?

I honestly. No, and I. Listen, I went to the same school from kindergarten through 12th grade, so I also wasn't trying to impress these fuckers anymore. But, no, I think that, like, listen, as a comic, if you don't feel, like, a touch cringy when you're trying out new shit, then you're not doing it. Right. Right. But no, I just. There was nothing. There was no other feeling in my life that I wanted to chase as much as that feeling of making people laugh.

Love.

And I'll tell you another. We're really gonna boost Jeff now. But when I was living in New York, when I met Jeff, we've been together a long time, and I looked at him one day and I said, listen, I gotta go to LA. I gotta follow this. I gotta scratch that itch. And he. We were sitting in, like, a bucca di beppo or some shit, and he's like, I love you so much. And he's like, follow your dreams. And in that moment, I was like, oh, fuck, I'm gonna marry this guy. Yeah. We were long distance for, like, eight years. Yeah.

What?

I know. It's. It's. I have girls call me all the time, like, Heather, I'm long distance. It's been, like, three months with my boyfriend. I'm like, if you're not thriving in your own zone, and if that person can't handle y'all doing your own thing, then you don't need to be together.

Okay, long distance, where you. He stayed in New York and you went to LA?

Yes. And. Well, I was only in LA for, like, four or five years, but then I moved back to Atlanta after my dad passed, and Jeff was finishing, like, a graduate program in New York. We were just back and forth. I mean, we just made it work. Never a breakup, never a pause. It was just always me and Jeff.

Daddy, okay, because I'm gonna be real. You and Jeff Daddy are defying the odds because I have been the little cunt in my podcast. Sometimes I've been like, I don't know if long distance is worth it. I used to say that also in college, mostly because I'm like, enjoy your colleges.

It's also not worth it because if you're in college, you're probably cheating on me. But you, let's be honest.

If you're in college right now, listening to this with a long distance boyfriend, you're getting cheated on.

Yeah, leave it. Also just say, hey, we're gonna break up during college. See ya. When you're working for Goldman Sachs and you're outta here.

Done.

What are we doing?

Done. Yeah, I think that was really my vision was like, it's just too hard in college. However, when you are adults and you can make it long distance work, it's amazing. But that takes very secure people to have trust and to be okay with that. Long distance. But, like, good for you guys.

He used to come to all my comedy shows, and this is like when I was in New York and I, you know, performing for ten people in an audience underneath the Brooklyn Bridge. And he'd be in his little suits from his real estate job, and he'd sit on the front row, and people thought he was my manager. So we were like, wow, your manager is, like, really dialed into your career. And I'm like, oh, no, no, no. I blow that guy. Stop. Stop.

Honestly, that was probably kind of hot. You're, like, so hot. You're, like, looking at him like he's your business manager. You're like, ooh, we're not supposed to, but we should. Let's go. Fucking my car 100%. I love that for you guys.

Yeah. And the Jetta. I only sold the Jetta about three years ago, so kind of wish I would have kept it.

Wait. The Jetta was the first car I ever wanted, and then I just could never get a first car until, like, I started making my own money. My parents were like, we're never getting you a car, so get a job. And I was like, oh, okay. But I always wanted a Jetta.

Shout out to Volkswagen. They're a great company. I would love a new Jetta. I'm really. When I sold that car, I was actually sad about it. It's a cute car, and I got it sensible. I didn't go g wagon. I went, you know, hybrid Audi Q five. Shout out to Audi.

Sponsorship.

I think I want the Cayenne, because that was the.

It's.

That was the car my dad had, and I really want it. I was like, that's when I know. I think I might buy it.

No, that was, like, I realized that shit from your childhood really sticks with you. When I went to a private prep school that, like, I really couldn't afford, I got, like, a soccer scholarship for high school, and I didn't have a car. And so I'm taking the bus every day, and these bitches are rolling in with, like, maseratis because their daddies are so fucking rich.

Yeah.

And I remember there was this one bitch that had this cool Porsche. It was the cayenne. And she had it, like, it was a white one with, like, black wheels. And I was like, whenever I get my first paycheck, that's me not working at my smoothie shop job. Like, I'm getting the fucking Porsche. And the first thing that I bought for myself, for a car was the Porsche. And I'm like, the only reason I still got it was because I think of that girl.

I can't say her name, but it's that core memory being like, fucking Michelle has it.

Yes.

I'm getting it.

I was like. And I'm like, I don't even know if I actually wanted the Porsche. I was literally just, like, living out my, like, high school insecurity, being like, I finally got it. Now I'm like, do I like it? I actually do. Sponsor me. Okay. You went to University of Mississippi?

Oh, yeah.

Hottie toddy, can you explain your experience in three words?

Oh, yeah. Unhinged. Full throttle. That's too.

Who gives a fuck?

Okay. Unhinged. Mayonnaise.

What?

And just elated. I had the best four years of my life. Shout out to the University of Mississippi. I just did a show for them last week, and I loved it. My college experience was out of this world.

Wow.

Yeah.

Like, from freshman year.

From freshman year. Here's the thing. Even being from the south, because I grew up in Atlanta, I didn't know anything about Mississippi. The reason I ended up at Ole Miss is because it was the only college that let me.

You're like, actually, when I got accepted.

I was like, fuck, no.

But then you got there and you're.

Like, I thought I was gonna go to Pepperdine and do, like, theater arts. Like, imagine me in Malibu. No, absolutely not. So I thought I was gonna go to Pepperdine. It was two weeks before graduation, and I didn't get in because I thought I was gonna go to their prestigious theater program. Well, here's the thing. I was student body president, but a blind cat could have done better on the sats. I'm not a. I'm not a scholastic test taking kind of either. On paper, it's rough. Okay? So I didn't get in. And I remember sitting down like the college counselor, and she's like, there's two schools that have good theater departments, and they still are taking applicants. It was Alabama and Ole Miss. I swear to God, outs my hand on the bible. I visited Alabama. I'm in tuscaloosa. I'm at, like, the Sigma chi house. I watched a man snort cocaine off a chicken tender. And I said, I called my daddy. And I said, I'm going to Ole Miss. Like, I like to party, but this is. This is another world.

This is some next level shit.

So I showed up in Oxford, Mississippi. I didn't know anybody. I did the sorority rush. I had the time of my life. I don't know how I got into a good sorority. Like, all of the things, it just clicked. And I. And I, we own a home there now. I bought a house in Oxford.

You did?

I go back all the time. I love it.

Hold on. Cocaine on a chicken finger?

Yeah, it was a lot. And, you know, in the south, we got juicy tinders. It's not like a light. It's not like a. Like a. It's not a slim tinder boy. It's a thick boy. And I just remember going, I don't know if I'm gonna.

That's some real shit. No, I love that your honesty is like, I love Ole Miss. Like, it was my. It's the only place I got accepted. But, like, who cares? You end up. And that's, I think, a great note for anyone that's in high school listening. Got it. Maybe there are people that listen in high school there.

Are you surprised?

You guys, like, it really doesn't matter where the fuck you go to matter.

And you'll find your spot. Like, I remember being so devastated, thinking, okay, I'm not gonna be this, like, you know, shakespearean actor, what is going on? And I ended up like, it's the greatest joy in my life. And also, I would not have met my husband. Cause my best friend Tina, who works with me and helps me run my production company, she was from New York. So this bitch flies down. We're both in the theater department. I'm like, where the fuck are you from? She's like, where the fuck are you from? And she's the one who introduced me to my husband. So I had to go all the way to Mississippi to find a yankee.

Oh, my God, it's so meant to be. Also, you mentioned sorority life. I played soccer, so I didn't. I still, to this day, don't fully understand sorority life. And I feel like what I'm seeing on TikTok may not be the exact representation of what it maybe used to be, because now bitches are, like, synchronized dancing and stuff, which maybe it was back then, but let me walk through.

It is really wild. I get asked this a lot about what my sorority life experience is like. I do think you're right. Social media has completely changed the game.

Oh, my God.

I mean, when I went to college, I hate to date myself, but it was the first year that Facebook came out, so, you know, I didn't have to worry about somebody looking at my online profile. I just showed up in a lily Pulitzer skirt and was like, y'all ready to fucking do this?

What?

I was pledge class president. I was bid day chair. I had the best time. And also, like, I see girls online that talk about hazing. No one haze my ass. I showed up to the Delta Gamma house at the University of Mississippi. I had a monogram pillow with my name on it and a new bottle of barefoot white wine. I had the time of my life, but also, I'm 510. You don't really haze. You don't fuck with you large and in charge.

No, I would stop. I was gonna fucking say, like, I feel like what I'm watching on. On TikTok right now is, like, first of all, the dorm situation, Howard. Like, I showed up with the Jansport backpack, and I had, like, a duffel bag, and I, like, threw shit in that I, like, bought off of eBay. I don't know. What do you get? Like, a bed bath and beyond?

I had a bed in a bag. Yeah, you did. I called my roommate, who I had never met before, and I said, what color scheme are we going? We did lime green, hot pink, and black. And literally bed in a bag. You got that. You got the comforter, the one sheet. You only had one set of sheets?

That's it.

Everyone changing your sheets.

That's it. And then I got. I remember, like, when the first day of school started, they had those, like, poster sales, and I got, like, channing tatum on one wall, of course. And then I got, like, hot girls asses. Cause I was like, this will really, like, the guys will think we're cool for this.

I love this.

Exactly.

I'm hot. If they see hot girls on my wall. Cause that makes sense.

That makes so much sense. So I don't understand when they're like, let's do a transformation. And they do the click, and it goes from, like, a dreary dorm room to immediately it's like, you look like you're in a fucking palace.

I'm sorry, sister who? That's her job now. She runs. Has a whole business where she redoes the ole Miss dorm rooms. Wow. They like antiques in the room. They're built. I mean, I had literally, like, three. Those stack plastic bins. You get it, like staples. Yeah. Even go to a container store. I went to, like, office Max, and I put my thongs in there and, like, a bottle of, like, bourbon that was rolling around in the back. Like, nothing about my room. I had a desktop, Alex. I didn't even have a laptop. My dad ran an IT company, and he was so afraid that somebody was gonna, like, steal my identity. And finally I called him. I was like, dad, I gotta get a laptop. Like, I can't be the person lugging the desktop on a dolly all the way up to the library. Like, what the fuck are we doing here? Yeah, I was also a theater major, so I didn't really need, you know, computer. But.

But still, the point is, is, like, it was. It is different right now. And I do believe some of the bitches on TikTok are really going above and beyond for social media. Like, if you're someone at college right now, that is literally just bringing your PBT and sheets and you got a book bag, and that's all you.

Pottery barn tea.

Oh, my God.

That was Lux.

That was the shit.

Do you remember when Jersey sheet. Like, jersey sheets came out and it felt like you were rolling around on a pair of Levi jeans? Really? Actually not comfortable and not sweat wicking? I remember my mom is like a gift. Send me the Jersey Pottery barn teen sheets. And I was, like, in flames. When I woke up, I thought I had the flu. So fucking hot.

I remember I got, like, a. These dark gray ones, and the first time a guy came on my sheets, and I only had, again, one fucking pair.

Yeah.

So I was looking at that shit like, damn, I'm fucked. And I just, like, the credit card.

Later on, after the comet dried and you were, like, trying to scrape it off, you were like, we'll just get that off at the end.

It's fucking disgusting. Anyways, okay, so you were rushing. You got into your sorority. Can you, like, tell me, like, do you remember, like, your chance?

Do I remember by chance? I thought you would never ask. So. Interesting enough. So I went to the home chapter. Delta Gamma was founded at the University of Mississippi. It was a big deal that they led a woman not from Mississippi into the sorority. I don't know who wrote me a wreck, but they. They saw my ass coming, and they said, she's got potential.

Damn.

Yeah, so I. It was funny during rush. So we used to do this thing called a door song, okay? And you might have seen it on Bama TikTok. Now they banned it. But, um, like. So somebody comes and knocks on the door.

Okay?

The door opens, and, like, 200 girls hit the deck. I was always on the bottom. Cause I was beefy. So I'd be on the bottom of this door holding up the weight of my sorority sisters on me. And we'd be like, D E l t a. Delta, Delta. And do this whole thing. And then what would happen is everybody would get off the dog pile and run out and grab a girl who's rushing. So you're, like, running through the lawn being like, Emily? Emily, where are you? And you had to pretend like you didn't know who they were, but you had like, had giant cards. I mean, you're studying them, and then you're, like, looking around, like, I can't see her. And then this little girl, Emily, pops out of the bush. She's like, it's me. And then we would run him through the DG house, and of course, since I was on the bottom, I was, like, breathless. So by the time I got up, I would literally be like, where's Emily? Emily from Jackson, Mississippi? Are you here?

All your makeup is gone. You're drenched.

I am so moist. It's like. It's not healthy.

Your back is blown out.

It's awful.

You have nothing left to give.

I have nothing left. Then you crowd them in this room, this chapter room, and, you know, we're, like, sitting at them, like, breathing hot fire breath on them, just being, like, trying to get them to cry, to be like, do you want to be here? This is the greatest day of my life. I ate it up, though. I had the time of my life.

Oh, my God. What do you think you loved about it? Cause it's a little culty.

No, it is, but I really just met all my best friends there.

Love.

And again, there was not hazing. So when I see girls that had, like, a really, like, if they ever lined us up and, like, circled our fat, I would have been like, I win. I get it. Just, y'all go home. I'm the fattest one. I put on 45 pounds my freshman year. Like, just, y'all go home. I. It was a lot of. I mean, we did, like, philanthropy work. We had raging parties. It really was not toxic. I'm sure a couple bitches, you know?

Yeah.

I mean, we fought a couple times, but I was also kind of the black sheep. Like, I was always sent to standards. Cause I was smoking cigarettes standing up. That's. That was a weird rule. If, you know, if you want to smoke a cigarette, if you want to rip a heater, you gotta sit down. We cross your legs.

Wait, what?

Yeah, because you got to look ladylike.

Oh, my God. So you can smoke cigs, but you just have to do it.

So if I was standing up, I couldn't. But if I was sitting down, having a cigarette, that's kosher, you know?

Do you still, to this day, sit down or do stand?

Um, I only have my life insurance policy doesn't hear about this. I love a. I'm kidding. Hypothetically, allegedly, I love just to cig. When I'm in Italy, it's my vacation sig. But I'm not a smoker. Contrary to popular belief, people hear my voice. I'm not a smoker.

You've got a great voice.

But can I also say to this younger generation I really get concerned about? I was at the college bar the other day, and we have a bar in our town called the library.

Oh, cool.

So when my dad would see my all my charges, he called me one day. He's like, God damn it, Heather, return your fucking books to the library. This is insane. He didn't know it was a bar. Oh, yeah, it's my favorite bar. Yes, but I. But literally, I see these kids, like, everybody's ripping the vape, and they're all passing it around, and I turn to a young man in the bar, and I go, honey, this is how you get mono or cold sores. I don't know what we're doing here, but y'all all need to just have your own vape.

I love Heather. No, no. I thought you were gonna say something completely different. Would you say this is how you're gonna get lung cancer?

No, no, no. I'm worried about Epstein Barr virus, not worried about their lungs. Okay, come on, now. I don't have time for that.

Instead of being like, you don't, you shouldn't have them. You're like, just each of you get your own stack up.

I mean, this is why you guys are all gonna have strep throat. Get your own.

Get your life together, daddy gang. Stop juuling.

Stop juuling.

We're done. Okay. I know you refer to yourself as the elder millennial. That's true, right?

Well, yeah, I am, you know, 30.

You're a young woman.

Yeah. Thank you, thank you. Young, youthful.

You're very young. Thank you. I want to talk about some of the millennial trends, and I want to hear your take is, do you think we should bring them back, or how do you feel about them in general?

I'm so excited for this side parts. Oh, let me tell you, there is nothing more dramatic, more old Hollywood glam than a side part. I was actually in my sorority house the other day, and I found my old composite photo. It was such a deep side part. It started at the base of my jaw. Okay. It was just a thick comb over. I had no eyebrows, but I either. I think the middle part, like, I'm fighting for my life right now. I have an intense cowlick. And if you knew the amount of time, effort, and orbe dry texture spray that is holding me together, because.

Which way do we go? Which way does your hair usually go.

Naturally, it should go this way.

So it wants to be comb over.

It wants to go full Donald Trump. Yes, it really does. I love a deep side part, you know, obviously, you know, if you do the deep side part and we do the stick straight, like the cheese straightener, it's not a good look.

It's. It's really not a good look. And I feel like, depending on what phase you're at in your life, like, when I look back at pictures of myself as a young girl.

Yeah.

I was objectively not. I wasn't, like, the cutest. Okay.

I really.

It really wasn't. It wasn't.

I didn't know that, though. No one pulled me aside and said, let's blend a smoky eye. Let's draw in our eyebrows. Let's maybe go for a leisurely walk so we can get some steps in. I was deep throating, like, you know, hot pockets, chugging bourbon. I had not a care in the world.

But you were happy.

I was. I've never been happier. Now. Now I'm getting everything I want. I'm like, God, this fucking, like, I.

Want to go back to the good old days. Yeah, it's true that, like, when you don't have the eye for it, I guess I can say when I look back at pictures of myself, there is a difference between a side part and the comb over. And when you do the comb over and you're not going for Hollywood glam, like, you're not going to an event and you're just looking for the side part, it can really look busted. So I think. I think you're right. It depends on what. What you're doing with it. But I would say the side part is usually a flop.

Okay. All right. You know what? Fair enough. But you also have a perfect straight line through your head. So I just think that you need to be a little more inclusive to the cowlick community. That's all I'm saying.

You want to hear something crazy?

What?

I have a fucking cowlick.

Where?

Yeah. Exactly. The amount of time that I spent pushing, pushing, moving gel starts at 07:00 a.m. bitch. And it's fucking almost 02:00 in the afternoon.

This.

It was. It was sitting, setting, melting, pressing the.

Little clips and the clips. I'll go to an event, I'll be about to walk the red carpet, and I'm like, take the clips out, remove.

The clips last minute. Always the amount of gel and, like, shit that I had to get to this point, and I sleep with it sometimes like that.

Wow.

Yeah. I'm dedicated.

Love it.

It's the trauma from childhood where I, like, look back at those curvatures that I was putting over my fucking. It looked so fucking bad that I am straight part, and I will never deter. Have you ever had side bangs?

No. Well, I did go through a little bit of an emo phase. I was always. Yeah. But I would be at the, like, the band's warp tour in, like, junior high, and I would always be in, like, a full Hollister outfit and a puka shell necklace. I still dress like Dave Matthews band esque, but I was at good seeing, you know, something corporate, simple plan, or one of those bands.

I feel like we would have been friends. Like, I was. I went through such an emo phase, and I would do the colorful, like, skinny jeans with, like, a band t shirt. I was obsessed with simple plan. Blink one of d two. Then I went into all time low. I had all these different, like, I was obsessed with Avril Lavigne. I wanted to be her.

Oh, Avril Lavigne is. I remember being like, a, you know, a chubby 6th grader. And I'd come home and I'd put her cd in, like. Cause, you know, we had a little money, so I had this six disk changer, and I would just literally be like, I'm fading in the sun.

Yes.

Rage out. My mom would be like, this one.

I was naturally, I would think, like, happy. Like, I didn't want to be emo, but I loved the concept of being emoji.

We're a little dramatic. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Yeah, that is annoying.

Okay.

How do you feel about tall uggs? How do you feel about tall uggs?

Oh, God. Okay, well, here's my thing. My best feature on my body is my thin ankle.

Okay?

I never. I mean, look at that. Have you ever seen a nice, more developed, thinner ankle? That is a very nice, very nice ankle because it gets thin. It's very thin. And I also have nice toe cleavage. I've been told from the toe, the foot fetish community, that my foot, while very wide in a shoe, the top of my toes is apparently very sensual.

Really? Have you ever thought about making a couple bucks?

I have, but I did see that one person left me a bad review on Wikifeets, and it's not my rating down to, like, a 3.5. Very upset.

You're not actually on Wikifeets, are you? What the fuck?

I didn't know it was a thing. And somebody at one of my shows was like, hey, by the way, I just want you to know, like, your rating went down on Wikifeets. I was like, what the fuck is Wikifeets, dude?

Heather, I'm not kidding you. I'm convinced that almost every single man in the world has a foot fetish.

You know, here's the thing. It's not hurtful.

No, it's not hurtful. It's just fascinating.

I would do only fans on a heartbeat if dudes want to send me money to look at my little piggies. It's fantastic.

And it's just, it's natural, too.

It's natural.

It's either you got it or you don't. No one's getting, like, foot implants. No one's getting, like, really fake. It's, you got it or you don't. And if you got it, flaunt it.

I would like to say, because you have such a huge international platform, I, you know, big Nike fan, but I've got a wide, wide, girthy foot. And if you guys could send me some pairs cut in a wide, that would be fantastic. I go online, and the only pair that's in an extra wide is an orthotic. So please, for the love of goddess, make a wide in an air force one. Okay, how do you take that opportunity? I could have. I could have said something to, like, find peace in the Middle east, but instead I'm like, can I get a custom Nike in a wide? Because my toes are falling asleep. Not.

They're literally coming on here and be like, what other brand deals did I want to get out of this episode?

Yes.

I'm a.

What are we getting? We're getting a Porsche, we're getting a jetta jetta, an Audi.

Audi. And free shoes for life.

And orbe.

And uggs.

And uggs. Okay, back to the.

Okay, so the Uggs.

So I'm having a lot of fun.

I'm having a lot of fun with you, too.

Okay, back to the Uggs. Okay, here's the thing.

To be fair, sometimes it's also hard to podcast with people that, like, my favorite podcasting usually is when people podcast for a living, because, like, you know how to do it. So thank you. Thank you for showing up today. Um, okay, tall uggs.

Okay, tall uggs. I I don't like a sweaty calf.

Okay.

You know, I I would wear them. I went to a christian school, so we had to wear the uniforms. And in the winter, that was a thing. You wore the tall ugg.

You could wear them with your wear.

We didn't wear, like, Mary Jane's or anything. I'd wear a tall ugg with my little, like, catholic schoolgirl uniform. And I just remember huffing it, you know, through the parking lot, just like, these are fucking hot.

We. Did you have boys at your school?

We did.

What the fuck, Heather? I went to an. I went to a full co ed k through eight. I was, like, in catholic school, and I had to wear the plaid skirt. And I used to have to say this to, like, my boyfriends. I'm like, I know it sounds hot. Like, I was fucking hideous. And it's not a sexual fantasy, okay? Now I'd look hot in it, but back then, it was like, to the knee. And if not, they slap you with the fucking ruler. Like, literally old school shit. And then we had to have the thigh highs. They weren't thigh highs. They went to the knee and they.

Were the big socks with the Mary Jane shoe.

Mary Jane. And then they changed to saddle shoes at one point, which was like, the black and the white shoe. And then we had the collared shirts. That wasn't hard, the whole uniform.

We could wear the socks, but we. In the winter, they would allow us to wear the ups.

Okay?

And then eventually they got pants because I think I, like, walked into the principal's office and said, I'm fucking freezing, okay? And I'm a heavy set, so if I'm cold, imagine what these thin bitches are feeling. This is unbelievable. We have rights.

We do have rights. Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Okay. Soul cycle.

Oh, well, that's a little triggering. And I. You should have warned me that you're gonna bring that up on such a trigger war. I worked at Soulcycle, okay? In West Hollywood. Around the corner. Yeah.

What I.

When I moved to LA, I needed a part time job, okay? And I couldn't get a job at a restaurant, which was really weird because I'd worked at some, like, the best restaurants in new York. I had this crazy, you know, Michelin star experience, and I could not get a job working as a bartender, even like, a hostess in LA.

Why do you think?

Because I wasn't a porn star, that's why. I wore a sensible, supportive bra to work. I would show up to these interviews with this insane New York resume and they were like, but are your nips hard? You know, I was like, I can make them hard. Give me 10 seconds.

I'll be right back.

Yeah. I mean, I would go and I would think that I was going for, like, a nice, you know, like an interview at Spago. And they were like, actually, we have a nightclub. And we were wondering if you want to be a promoter. Like, I'm 23 years old. I should not be roaming the streets of Los Angeles trying to get people to come to your nightclub.

That's annoying.

So I ended up at Soulcycle, and I remember my interview. I was interviewing you. Be on the front desk. But I said. Cause I wanted to let them think that, like, I was here for the long haul. Of course, I remember saying, like, obviously, I'd start with the front desk. And I understand you have to work your way up, but my goal is to eventually be an instructor.

No.

And the girl interviewing me was just like, yeah, we're good. Nothing about you says, like, you know, star of the fitness community. But I actually had a great time. Soulcycle was so fun. I met my best friends. My buddy Raymond. Shout out to Ray. He's still one of my best friends. We used to get in trouble. Cause we would work at the front desk and be like, you know, gravely hungover, of course. And I'd be eating, like, a Chipotle burrito bowl and a diet doctor pepper. And finally my manager said, heather, this is like a fitness studio. People don't. Celebrities don't want to come in and work out when you're, like, dry heaving over a barbacoa bowl. Get your shit together.

No.

Yeah.

I kind of love that for you. You're like, you know what, though? Like, this is me, and this is who I'm gonna be, and I'm only at the front desk, so, like, that you can go back there and fucking work out. I'm sorry, Heather. I've gone on one of the bikes before. Yeah, I. When I was working this ad sales job, they were like, team bonding. Let's go across the street and, like, during lunchtime, go on the fucking soul cycle bikes it robbed.

Yeah, it's not great.

It's not like a good horseback riding where you're like, I'm getting a little turned on. It's rubbing my clit in the right way. This is, like, physical pain.

No, this is where your urethra is just ripped off. Like, you have road rash, but it's on your pee hole.

I'm getting, like, bruises. And then, like, you go to sleep that night, you can feel, like, your pelvis area, like, pulsating.

Not in a sexual way, but then actually, once you do it two or three times, then you're in it. But see, I knew how to work the system there. I would, you know, all these big celebs would come in, and I would slip my little business card that I made on, like, vistaprint. Okay? Have my head shot on it, and I would slide it into their, like, bags, and I'd be like, if you ever need an assistant, if you ever need somebody to open for you on the road, please ask me.

Oh, my God.

So funny. I did that to Whitney Cummings, and I must have given her ten business cards. She never once called me. And then we're buds now, and I live like Whitney. I need you to just know that I used to drop my business card. I mean, this was ten years ago.

Like, whitney, I was either down to be your assistant or open for you, and I didn't either. So fuck you, but I also fuck.

You, but now I'm a guest on your podcast, so, boom. It was amazing. I loved it.

So we love Soulcycle. Okay. Skinny jeans.

Oh, again, I am pro skinny Jean because I do want to flex my best asset. But, I mean, God, that for me, you know, you said your crotch hair during Soulcycle. I always had a yeast or UtI from a skinny jean. It just was so tight right in the grundle.

It can't be worse than Jean shorts, though.

Oh, I don't fuck with jean shorts.

You don't?

Oh, what are we doing here? I know. Absolutely not. I'm not fucking with the jean short. I'm pushing 40. I need to be in a jean short. Get out of here.

We are.

You just.

What are we doing here? Of course I wear jeans shorts. You do?

I think I do.

Are you lying?

No, I.

Is that the first time you've lied on this podcast? Say, are you.

It is. Can I tell you? I'm in a. I'm in a tough spot. I put on a little weight, and I had all these jean shorts that I bought from Zara, and I just. I tried them on the other day, and I was like, it's a no go. So I'm just very bitter about that.

No, no, no. And I get it. Like, jean shorts, you have to be really, like, you have to be tan. You need to feel good.

Yeah.

It needs to be the perfect thing. Or just a short dress that's flowy is always a great go to. Like, I'm always like, oh, I can, like, relax here. But jean shorts are like, yeah, they're kind of.

I'm a baby doll dress kind of gal. And I know those had a moment on TikTok, but I've got giant jugs, and I like a little. I like to just sit right here. Titties under my neck.

Are they real?

They're real? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I'll tell you what, I got perfect nips for a large breast. I got a really nice breast. To ariel lauration. Yeah, that's my one.

You have so much good shit. Fuck you. You're like, let me show you my thin little ankle. Also. Perfect fucking nipple in here.

And been like, I had a great sorority. My husband is fantastic. Life is great now. I haven't shit today, and I do have anxiety, but other than that, I'm thriving. No, but I mean, listen, great hits. I am always now, especially, you know, being in the spotlight. I pick apart myself all the time.

No, it's nice to, like, be like, yeah, I fucking like something about myself.

And they're not where they used used to be. I definitely would love a lift. But they are. The areola is nice.

I'm fucking jealous. And I'm already picturing it. Like I'm thinking of it sexually. Your husband is lucky. Moving on. Super thin eyebrows.

Oh, no, those. They should never come back.

Okay. But what's worse, the, like, giant. I mean, mine are looking a little big today.

I mean, mine are thick, too. I'd rather more than less, really, because you can always pull a friend aside, take them to, you know, a coffee bean, and just say, hey, what are we doing? You know, this comes from love, where.

We can peel it back. Yeah, but you can never.

The amount of growth serum, castor oil, you know, and all the eyelash serums apparently make you go blind and they ruin the collagen underneath the eyes. Wait, what? Oh, yeah. That's a whole thing now. Yeah. Apparently we've been using all the lash serums and they apparently dissolve all the fat underneath your eyes. And I need.

Perfect.

I mean, you know, maybe I should start rubbing this all over my body. But no, thin eyebrows should never come back. That is a crime against humanity. It should be outlawed. Have to do hard time. If you're over plucking, you need to get your life out.

But then, like, it's so unfair, because I look at Pamela Anderson and, like, in my twisted mind, I'm like, God, I wish I could pull that off. No one can pull it off but her.

But her.

And just let her have it and move on. I really. I suffered. And I think because you said earlier you didn't have eyebrows. I, growing up, had. I had the hair. I had nothing to show for the hair because, like, if you saw me in the right lighting, you'd see, like, what looked like a unibrow and, like, all just peach fuzz. I finally dyed them when I was in high school, and I had never felt better in my life. I was like, oh, my God, my five head is gone. I've got the angles. It looks good. But then I just kept building on it, and I feel like I really took it to a level where I see pictures of myself in the freshman year of college is bad.

They got too much.

They were black.

Yeah, we definitely over died for a long time.

And they were cinder blocks.

I always had had thick, natural bushy brows, but I would go to the nail salon and, you know, they would just, like, hold you down in the back. I never went to, like, an eyebrow specialist.

Oh, my God.

I'm like, I'm getting a fresh gel set and I'm getting my eyebrows done in the back. And I came out one day and the tips were gone. I mean, they ran away with them, and then you know how long it takes to grow that shit back.

Oh, you're fucked.

You're fucked. So my entire college career, I have my deep side part. I'm in a pair of gaucho pants. I'm in a halter top. My, you know, perfect nipples are hanging out. I put on 45 pounds and I got no brows, and I didn't blend a smokey eye. I mean, I've really come a long.

Way picturing you smoking a fucking sig.

With a sig and a nice, you know, Jessica Simpson wedge.

Gauchos.

Gauchos. Yeah. Oh, God, they were good. Gauchos were great. And then if you wanted to hook up with somebody. I'm kind of in a gaucho now. You didn't even have to take them off. They could just slide a hand up there and just finger you, you know? And that was. That was fun.

The width was impeccable. I think we should maybe bring gauchos back.

I think we should. I know people are trying to do the barrel, Gene, and I'm not. You know what you can't do is finger somebody in a barrel, Gene. You can't even get half a fist up there.

I don't think.

Also, who wants to finger somebody in a barrel, Gene? If I see a bitch coming down the street in a barrel, Jean, I'm like, not attractive. No, it's not the look, gals. That's what we need to. The barrel jeans are out.

But don't you think that is where that's a definition of women dressing for women where they, like. The girls would think these are cute. I don't know, though.

Well, as a full woman, just, you know, right now, here in the flesh, I say, no, don't fucking do it.

Let's get rid of it. Bring the gout shows back by to the barrel.

Yeah.

Okay. This is controversial because staring at your ankle, and I'm so worried. This goes against everything that we've talked about today, about this one body part that's really a highlight for you. Ankle socks. I don't know if you realize are. They're currently out.

What do you. Oh, ankle. Oh, but what do you have?

These are.

Is that not an ankle song?

No, ankle socks is where you're showing your fucking ankle.

Okay, but I have a no show. I thought that was a no show.

You have no socks.

I was thinking I got a wide foot. Fucking foot. If you think I'm letting these cheddar blocks just marinate in here, I'm not trying to bake a casserole. Okay, again, Nike, I'd like a wide. Okay, wait, so I thought that was a crew sock.

So this is whatever the fuck you want to call it, but this is not an ankle sock. This is that, like Hailey Bieber.

Yeah.

Like Princess Diana, yet trendy.

And I did not know that I was. I feel. I feel attacked.

No, the problem is, this would cover your. One of your best assets.

Yeah. But I will say, my husband, one of his favorite looks is the look you have on right now. He likes the bike short, the oversized sweatshirt, and I'll do the, you know, the scrunch socks.

You will? I will scrunch the socks because your outfit right now, you wouldn't technically. Look at you.

I know. Now I'm like, I don't. I don't know what to do. Can I get, like, should I sit? Like, I don't know what to do. Heather, quick, you look.

It's getting hot in here.

I'm so sorry.

No, no, no. I started this fucking podcast saying to you, I was freezing, and now it's fucking hot. Can someone turn on the air? Okay, let's talk about. Obviously, you mentioned your family went through a hard time. You lost your dad, and so that.

Kind of like, thanks for bringing that.

No, I know. I'm your father, sweetie.

Yes, dad.

Rip. We love you, Kyle. Yeah.

We love you, Kyle.

You moved in with your mom.

Yes.

And you moved in with Jeff. With your mom. And at this point, you weren't married, right? Engaged.

So. Okay, backtrack. When my dad died, I was living in LA. I picked up my shit. I moved home.

Okay.

And then I moved at some point up to New York. But then when the pandemic hit, Jeff and I moved from New York back to Atlanta, and I'm living in my childhood home. So Jeff and I are we. And we haven't moved out. Like. Like, we are. We are still three's company.

Why?

Great question. Because I talked to my financial advisor the other day, and he's like, heather, you're living pretty cheaply. You could. You could move on. I don't know why. I think. I mean, listen, I adore my mom. She's my buddy. I constantly think, like, the thought of her sitting at home alone on a Friday night hits me in a deep way that, like, it just gives me, like, chills down my spine.

Yeah.

I don't know. It's not normal. My husband loves it because he gets treated like a king. You know, I'm the one who can. I'm the one who gets yelled at.

We. I was gonna say, walk me through this. So it's you, your husband, your mom, and it's, like, a normal day. Are you guys able to, like, slightly, like, what's the room set up? Like, where is where?

Like, so you would think that I'd be in, like, the primary bedroom. I am not. We just blew out a couple closets, so we built, like, another primary. My mom is still in the main bedroom. Oh, yeah. I'm in my childhood bedroom that we, like, blew out two closets to expand. You know, it's funny, somebody asked me the other day, they're like, what's the wildest, like, place you've ever had sex? I'm like, where? I currently have sex in my home with my mom down the hall, who sometimes will chime in and be like, Jeff, I can tell from that sound, she doesn't like it. No, no, no.

Had you ever had sex in your childhood room or, like, even gotten fingered or felt up, or you were allowed to go in there?

Oh. Oh, no. I was allowed to have boys in there, but I also, you know, I don't think a lot of guys called ever. No, I'm cute. Come on. No, it is funny being back in my childhood home, but, you know, my husband, my mom adores him, and he just gets treated like a king. Where it is funny being back at my house because my mom, even though, like, I'm running the ruse to, like, make money and pay for everything, she'll throw shit in a basket.

Okay.

I don't know if your parents did this growing up, like my mom, I'll walk in the door from being on tour. Heather, you got 14 things you need to carry. It's all in your basket. I opened all your mail. Your taxes are due tomorrow. You know, you've got some money in your bank account. Quit going through my shit. Doesn't matter that I'm an adult. She still treats me like I'm 13 years old.

I kind of love it, though. It's kind of cozy.

It is so cozy. I mean, it's insane. But my mom is, you know, my mom and dad were each other's truly loves of their life. And my mom was eleven years older than my late dad. Oh, original cougar. Oh, yeah. So my mom, it's been wild trying to watch her date now. And she's been bamboozled on, like, these dating apps multiple times. It's like she thinks she's talking to an architect from New York. Of course, he's, you know, somewhere in another country and he's trying to steal all your Social Security number. So really, I have to live with my mom because it's Fort Knox. She's just trying to get, you know, a little dick on the side. And I'm not gonna have an inheritance because some guy in on the other side of the world is stealing all of the funds. Oh, my God. It's bad.

Oh, my fucking God.

And my mom's great, and she's kind of. At this point, she's 76. Doesn't look a day over 40. My mom's hot, perky, titties, like tiny. She's spunky. She travels. And I keep trying to, you know, I ask my audience all the time. I'm like, anybody got a rich uncle or a great dad? Who. My mom doesn't want to get married again. She just wants to travel.

She wants to feel something with a guy.

Yeah. And she's like, heather, I'm not dead yet. I'd still like to be intimate. I said, you get up on that horse and ride, girl.

That's so incredible. And I actually agree. Like, the thought of a parent being alone as they're getting older makes me want to start crying. So I think you're like a lovely human being for do that. But, like, are you guys caring at all? So you're not caring when you're having sex that your mom's gonna hear you?

No, but I do. I have much better sex when I'm on the road and I'm in a four seasons. And Jeff, we kind of feel bad. Like, the parents got away. And it is funny. We do call my mom the toddler. Cause when we, like, go to dinner with her. She sits in the backseat, and she watches her iPad, and she's giggling to her youtubes.

And Jeff gets along with her.

Jeff gets along with her. I mean, listen, he is so patient. But Jeff is. My mom's from up north, and my husband's from up north, so they kind of, like, have their own banter, and I'm just sitting on the porch drinking an iced tea, going, I do declare. Why are y'all yelling in this house?

I am obsessed with that. I also just think, like, the fact is, as a comedian, like, it's a really good dynamic. It works. It's working.

It's working.

That's. I'm like, I'm not now.

I would like a little bit more money, because if I could expand, if I could upgrade, we need. I would like a big chateau with, like, a guest house so I at least get to be in my own four walls without Robin barking down my throat. But, you know, we're putting that on the vision board. Board.

Something. Something that you talk about in your stand up special that had me cackling. Well, two things we have to talk about. Two things. One is blowjobs, because love them and hate them. Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie. The way that you described heading downtown to the weiner.

Yeah.

And seeing the wiener hole and the wiener hole approaching it, there is a.

Goofy ass holdout, man.

It is.

Yeah, the wiener hole.

If you like, swirl your tongue in there a little.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's a little.

If you don't get in that little hole, then they're not getting in yours. And we all know this.

Give them a little surprise.

But I never try and go over the other hole. You know what I mean? I'm like, that is you do you. When you're married, at least, you know, when your spouse has diarrhea, it's every 30 minutes, just like your sweet dog. So it's like, when people are like, oh, you know, like, eating butt. I'm like, no, Jeff had, you know, jalapeno poppers at TGI Fridays on a golf outing, and he's been bitching about it all day. No, I don't want to lick his butthole.

No, it's fucked when you do. Like, I have never, like, been opposed. And I know that's, like, bad of me to say, but, like, I'm in the blowjob, and it's the accessory to a blowjob moment.

Yeah.

But, you know, in between that little.

Gooch, I mean, I'll tickle the gooch. I'm in the gooch. I am hitting the taint. I slap it around a little bit. I take the dick. Just hit me on both sides. Like, I'm doing a little, you know, get ready with me. I mean, I'm doing the layers of blush, Patrick, Tom, the whole works. But I'll tell you right now, I'm not getting. I'm not going for the back.

What I love about it.

Unless he is rinsed out in the yard.

No, that's what's crazy is if, like, I've had guys before be like, go down there. Go down there. And I'm just, like, rubbing it. Cause I'm like. I can smell it through the tunnel. It's wafting. It's wafting towards my nostrils. And I'm uninterested in the fecal matter.

I got a long nail. You just tickle. You take the skin. You roll it around a little bit.

Because it's also not lost on me if I go down there and then I go to the wiener and then he puts it in. Your shit is in my fucking v. And I'm heading to the hospital.

Thank you.

That's happened before to me.

That. And you know what we're trying not to do. Have a repeat. Yeah.

Okay.

So, yeah, we get back to blowjobs. What I.

What I do appreciate you doing, and I could feel the energy in the stadium when you were saying, this is stadium.

Oh, it was a theater. But yes, I am also playing stadium.

She's in a stadium. It was a stadium. It was a fucking stadium. Is you talking to men and just being like, you say it better, but, like, not really thinking about the dick while you're on the dick.

Morgan, the last thing I have ever thought about while I have a dick in my mouth is that dick in my mouth. I am thinking about the drama that is going on in the next door app. I am thinking about, you know, the rogue raccoon I possibly may have run over in the Audi Q five hybridization.

Are you deep in the door next door?

It's insane.

Do I need to get on that?

No, no, you don't have time. I mean, you're like, I don't know. I'm running an empire, but you're running, like a shempire. Okay. No, I love it. I'm in a group chat with all the ladies of my neighborhood, and when I tell you, it is so fun. We had a car burglary, like, two weeks ago. If you give a pack of women. And I do say pack of women because we are like wild wolves. If you give a pack of women in a suburban community two clues, they have already found the perpetrator. They found who's linked to. We have taken down a full cartel. So I just want to say, fuck the FBI. White suburban women, and we are off to the races. Not Karen's. We are more sharons.

You know, I am, like, not kidding you. I've heard people talk about this, and I think I, even if I'm just on the periphery and want to read about, like, read in on my community, I'd kind of like to get in there because I like dumb shit drama that kind of has nothing to do with me. Unless I guess they're saying that there's, like, a murderer in our neighborhood.

So refreshing. If you're, like, I can be on the periphery and just kind of, like, chime in every now and then, fantastic. But, yes, if there's a murderer in my bushes, please let me know. Have you ever had a stalker?

You know what?

No, but not yet, bitch. Challenge accepted.

No, I've had one person that has lightly kicked it up a notch.

Oh, kicked it up a notch.

It could be equivalent to, like, getting a little stalkery. But I've done a pretty good job at really, like, putting things to an end when it gets a little out of control. But someone's kicked it up a notch recently, and Matt's handling it.

I like that. Jeff, my husband, runs his own meet and greets at my shows by the bar. So, you know. Cause I have a ton of gals that come to the shows, and he's in the corner just being like, did you want to get a photo? And I'm like, jeff, she's fucking nuts. I told you about her. Stop. That's Carol Ann run away. Yeah, he loves that.

Do you have a stalker?

No, but I did have a woman break into my backstage once. Oh, yeah. But it was my fault because I had given the security guards a couple chick fil a party platters. So they were just raw dogging some nuggets. Meanwhile, I'm back there completely out in the nude. Cause I like to, like, really dress up for my shows. So I come out and I sweat like a beast on stage, and then I rip off my suit. So I was. Had just taken off my glitter suit, and I'm about to put on my jeans, and a woman's in the doorway, and she's like, I found, you know. So one thing you say to somebody, you don't say to somebody, I found you. And then she followed yemenite. Don't worry. I'm not gonna touch you. No. I was like, that's worse. I'd rather you just fucking grab my cooter and let's call it a day. You know what I mean?

Let's get to the point. So what do you want? So what did you do?

Did you scream? I literally was like, can I just put on some clothes? And I put on my clothes. I was like, what's up, girl? And she's like, man, I just told. I said, how'd you get back here? She said, I just told the security guard, you know, like, my name's Lane. I was like, what?

No, that's what's so funny about those moments. Like, when they tell the security guards, like, oh, we're friends. We're from that. Sometimes they're like, oh, go in.

Go in. I'm not worried about a male stalker. I think I'd like a little bit of a boost to the ego. But I have always said that I will probably be murdered one day in a TJ Maxx by a, you know, a white gal named, like, you know, Michelle or Tanya. Like, that's gonna happen.

That's who's taking you down.

I think that's who's taking. Like, you didn't read my dm. I'm like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I think. I think a light stalker is always good. Cause it keeps you, like, oh, we're doing something, right. We're kind of big deal.

We're actually, like, doing things.

We're really big deal.

Yeah.

Back to the blowjobs.

Absolutely. Great transition.

I actually think I'm done with the blowjobs. Yeah. The point is, is, ladies, you don't have to feel bad. And in your special breadwinner, you really, really touch on the important fact of, like, no one is thinking about giving head when they're giving head. And it's okay if you're multitasking, and that's fine. And what did. What was the other thing you fucking said that was so funny? Oh, my God. That you believe that all men are slightly on the spectrum and all women have ADHD.

It's so true. I think. So here's the thing. Men are really good at getting dialed into one thing. My husband is incredibly successful, but he's successful at one thing at a time. Meanwhile, I will be on stage delivering jokes. I already have my, like, uber eats order in my head, and I'm like, oh, fuck. I've got to call my attorney on Monday about the thing with the thing. And I'm multi tasking all the time. I mean, there are some days where I feel like ADHD is. Can cripple you. But I realize it's actually. I feel like all women's superpowers.

Yeah, it gets shit done.

We get shit done. But, yes, I do not think about anything sexual while I'm blowing my husband. And I tell women the best thing when people come to my show, you know, they used to be like, oh, I drug my husband. And then the husbands have the best fucking time. My show's for everybody, but my job is. I like to. I know. It's so fucking. I drug my husband here that. You didn't have to put a gun at first. You said, I blow them backstage. If you come to my show, I will put your dick in my mouth.

People were saying they drugged their husband.

I probably said that with a little country twang, like, they drug them husbands to my show.

I'm like, all these men are fucked up.

So what that is, the husbands were out working in the yard, and then the women gave them a little. Little night, you know, little pill in the. In a Coors light, and next thing you know, they're at a Heather McMahon show. Could you imagine?

No, I've.

All of a sudden, you just came to and you're, like, in a room and there's a glitter. You know, a full figured blonde woman in a glitter suit just being like that. This is what happens when there's a dick in your mouth. That would be, like, the worst trip of your life.

I'm happy that I clarified, Heather, because I'm not fucking kidding you. Multiple comments would have been damn. Like, why didn't you talk about how, like, she drugs her?

No, no, I'm so sorry. I meant. I meant when you drag, like, you drag them to come drag. Yeah. And then the guys are like, fuck, I never saw it that way. And they have a great time. But, yes, I don't think guys realize we're always. The mind's always swirling.

We're always on the move.

We're always on the move.

We need to talk about the hall pass situation. We need to talk about the hall pass situation.

Okay, great. Yes.

I'm not. I not trying to give away too much of your special, because everyone needs to go watch it. And there's so much good fucking shit. But this hall pass situation, you almost can't help but be like, did this actually fucking happen? This is insane, Heather.

This is insane.

Walk us through.

Also legally, I don't know what. I don't know what I'm allowed to say. No. My husband's hall passes, the incredible, gorgeous model Kate upton.

Love.

And we were down in the turks of Caicos, and she had, like, dm'd because we had mutual friends. Hey, saw you're down here. Like, would you like to come over for, like, a cocktail?

What a nice DM.

What a nice DM. And I hadn't gotten my husband a Christmas gift, and I leaned over, and I was just like, hey, let's go to a, you know, let's go have some cocktails. I told him that my sorority sister was down there.

It's so good.

And so I get him there. I drag him over to this cocktail hour. The door answers, and it's Kate's husband, Justin Berlander. And Jeff, immediately, because, you know, my husband's the biggest sports fanatic. He had a full boner. Full boner standing on the welcome mat of this, like, you know, he's like, my job. Holy fuck. And I just kind of turned around. I remembered, I'll have it in slow motion. I just kind of gave him that, like. Like, fuck you, Jeff. Look.

And do you think he knew Kate was in there at that point, or did he just think this is a random coincidence?

No, he immediately, like, he immediately. As soon as he locked eyes with Justin, he was like, let's go.

You're kind of like a brave woman to bring your husband into the same room as his hall pass.

Well, also, Justin Berlander is an incredible athlete, makes a bazillion dollars, and is, like, a model himself, so I wasn't worried about it. If Jeff ever made anything weird, this guy is, you know, an all star athlete. I feel like he could have body checked Jeff. No, you're right.

And by the end of the time, you're probably like, if he's gonna go with her, I at least could go with this. And it's not about option.

You know what I told Jeff later on? He was like, I can't believe you made that happen. Of course. And we never told Kate. She didn't know until I sent her the clip from the special.

Did you run it by her?

No. I was just like, hey, I just want you to know, like, and Kate is the coolest chick in the world. I want you to know she was so great. And of course, I did not tell her at that dinner. Like, we're sitting at this table with all their friends, and. And I'm kicking Jeff. I'm like, jeff, you've been staring too long. Like, he's in the corner just kind of frothing at the mouth. And one of their friends had mentioned they're like, yeah, it's so weird, you know? Like, Kate is. It's just the coolest chick. She's so awesome. But, like, guys get really weird around here, and you're like, shut the fuck up, Jeff. Smile. Eat a shrimp cocktail. Getting weird. But, no, they were awesome. But I do think that I have really, you know, exposed Jeff to these cool opportunities he's gotten to meet all the sports heroes, and what have I gotten? Let me tell you. All I wanted. All I wanted were two tickets. I wanted an heirs tour ticket, okay? I wanted a Beyonce ticket.

Did you go?

I went on because I made it happen. We were in. Actually, this is a great story. We were in. I was in Australia, okay? And I was doing my tour in Australia in February. Well, Taylor Swift just happened to be there at the same time. You can't get tickets resale in. In Australia because they don't have, like, a stub hub. It's, like, illegal, okay? But I was like, jeff, figure it out. Call my agent. Figure it out. Surprise me. I want to go. It's my last night in Sydney. I've been in Australia for a month, tori, okay? Jeff's like, I have a surprise for you today. I'm like, this is it. He got tickets. I'm going to the heiress tour. I've got the friendship bracelets ready. Let's go. And next, you know, our hotel was right around the corner from the Sydney Harbor Bridge. Okay, so it's 05:00. I'm, like, getting ready. He's like, no, no, just go dress casual. I'm like, oh, he's got a surprise. He probably has, like, an outfit for me. Like, this guy thought of everything. He made me climb this Sydney harbor bridge instead of letting me go to the heirs door.

Now, mind you, I have a fear of outdoor. If I'm on a tall balcony, I'm always like, not that I would ever wanna harm myself. I don't have intrusive thoughts, but I'm always kinda like, what would happen if I just left, right?

You know, it's just a little bit like, what if?

What if? Right?

You can't help.

So I am on the top of the bridge in this, like, full wind suit, windbreaker onesie gripping the side, and they put me at the back of the group. I can't even talk. Cause I'm having, like, flashbacks of how dramatic that was. They put me in the back of the group, I'm clinging onto the side of the bridge, and the guy comes up. He's like, are you good? I was like, I was supposed to be at the heiress tour, and I'm freezing on top of this bridge. And we got off the bridge. We take a photo. The photo that we have on top of the bridge is the funniest shit. They're like, smile. And I'm, like, doing a peace sign.

Like, just like, I hate my husband.

Oh, I had stroked out at that point. I was completely like, there was no mind body connection. I cried when we got off the bridge. And I'm not a. I'm a tough cookie. Yep. And Jeff went to give me a hug. He's like, wasn't that the best? And I was like, I don't know if this is gonna work out.

Get away from me, you piece of fucking shit. Men. That can be so fucking dumb. So dumb. Like, you knew I wanted this. And because we're not going, like, figure out something that we could at least and also surprise me and also probably let you know beforehand the surprise ain't gonna be Taylor.

Exactly.

But I got something else for you to make it as big, like, as great as I could to make up for it.

His defense was it last night in Sydney, of course we'd never get to do this again. And the fun best part was, when you go to do the climb on the Sydney bridge, they have all these celebrities that are up, and they play the photos. While you're doing the safety briefing, they play the photos of all the celebrities. There's a couple, like, d list celebrities. And I was like, they didn't even ask to take my photo at the end of this.

Like, do they know why?

So not only did I ship myself on top of this bridge, they don't even have a record of it for when other people go to climb the Sydney Bridge, they don't know that the number one comedian of all time, Heather McMahon, was on the bridge. Heather. Yeah, against my will. But it was a great memory.

So have you ever gone and seen the arrows tour?

I did. I saw it a couple weeks ago in London. And let me tell you what, it was awesome. I I'm, you know, I'm a theater nerd. I wanted to see the production.

Yeah.

And it was just fucking awesome. Good for Taylor.

It is so incredible. Like, I went once, and I'm gonna go again, and I am. I just fucking love her.

I love her, too. And I didn't really. I think I kind of missed, literally, the era of Taylor, like, for the breakup moments. Growing up, I was just, like, two years older than that. So while the girlies were crying to, you know, me. Yeah. When the girlies were crying to all these songs, I was in my dorm room listening to three six mafia. That was what, you know, I was doing drive bys in the Jeddah, past the Ato house, just being like, nook. If you both. No, if you bug, you know, like, that's.

And I was like, it's a love story, baby. Just say yes. Yeah.

Yeah. That was not. I was. I was in revenge mode. That's why reputation's my favorite album.

Oh, it is.

That's why I wear snakeskin, you know? Yeah. I'm a reputation girlie.

I'm literally, like, a folklore girlie, really.

But that's great. I mean, I have a softer side, but I love that when she's in the full snake skin and the one leg's out. Oof.

When are you going on your cruise?

That's in April. I'm doing a cruise. And again, you know, I talked about possibly getting murdered in a TJ Maxx. It also might happen on the Lido day.

I was gonna say, I don't know if you're coming back, but you'll have a good time.

I will. And I may not come back. Cause I'll get a rest in the Bahamas. I don't know what's gonna happen, but we are doing a cruise, and it's, like, 2000 fans on the cruise, and it's other comedians, and it's just gonna be four days at sea of us just letting it rip.

And so will you just, like, roam.

Around in a moo moo? Yes, absolutely. With a pina colada and a rum runner in my other hand. Absolutely.

And are you gonna just, like, next to you could, like, staying next to you could be, like, one of your fans, and, like, you could be knocking on the wall, and they like, oh, you're just, like, one with the people.

I'm one with the people. But also, you know, when you do comedy, too, like, I have meet and greets after my shows, and I know everybody like, you know, I'm one with the people. I mean, you did have to. You know, the cruise isn't a super cheap thing to do, so I'm hoping that people who are making a financial investment are also, like, maybe a little touch less crazy. But actually, the richest ones, you know, are the ones that are crazy. They'll bring you the gifts to the show, and it's like, you think I buy you a birkin bag, and I put an airtag in it so I know where you are at all times. You're like, I don't. The Birkin bag, for me is a little too cumbersome. Okay. I think it's a bad investment. I said it. I'm gonna get absolutely burned at the stakes. It's heavy. It's just big.

It's also, like.

It's clunky, not that cute. And you can't, like. You can't put it over your shoulder. So if you're trying to, like. Like, look thin in a photo, you know, you're like. It's like. It's just. It just squeezes the arm. It's not a good. Cumbersome. It's cumbersome. But, yeah, we're doing a cruise. It's gonna be insane comedy at night. My mom's gonna be there. My husband's gonna be running poker tournaments in the casino, taking pictures with the fans. Yeah. My sister's a criminal defense attorney, so I'm keeping her on land. Cause I might have to. You know, we don't know what's gonna happen. She's gonna be at the port in Miami as people are getting off the boat or not getting off the boat. So she's gonna get a couple new clients, I'm sure.

Will you be posting on your social media about it when you're there?

We're gonna. We really should make a full documentary about it. Yeah. It's fire fest, and it turns, like, super dark, and then at the end, it's just all of us with, like, the norovirus, just, like. And that was the day that the ship never came back.

I would know it will never happen, but I honestly.

But then I'd have it, like, an in memoriam at the Emmys, and I have. You know, I haven't been nominated yet, but at least I'd be there. At least I'd be there. That's half full, baby.

I am so excited for you. Okay, can we talk about the special now? Wrapping up?

Yeah.

I mean, we've been talking about the special the whole time, but I do want to know, like, I was talking to Hannah Burner about this. The other.

My girl.

I just am so. It's so incredible to watch people that truly deserve it and are actually so fucking funny, like, get what they deserve, and I'm so happy for you. How did this even come to be?

Well, so I. I produced my own special, and I did the. The first one. I did the same thing. So I. I didn't. In this business, you cannot wait around for people. I mean, listen, you're a self starter. You just, if you build it, they will come. So I just shot it. I shot at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, which is like my home theater. I mean, talk about like a real full circle moment for me. And then I, you know, then you take it out to market and you sell it. So it is so cool. The one thing I really love about stand up is nobody can tell me no. You know, it is in this business, you get in tv, developmental deals, they take forever. You know, you got to get 1000 attorneys involved. All this. But for a stand up, I can just pop into a place, get on stage, say my piece, do the damn thing, and as long as there are asses and seats, listen, there could be one person in the fucking audience. I'm like, we're gonna have a good time. But like, that is, it is the. The greatest love of my life other than my family is getting to do stand up.

And it just brings me so much joy.

It's so incredible. It's gonna be on Hulu, right?

Yeah.

What is the exact date it comes out?

That's a great question. I don't know, but we will post on instagram. It's coming out very soon.

I know it's going to be insane. I was going to say the date I'm going to.

Can I just tell you right now? I do think it should win a Peabody. I should at least get nominated for the emmys again. Hi, my name is Heather McMahon. My comedy special breadwinner is coming out on Hulu. And when I tell you I'm a bad bitch, I'm wearing a denim outfit that's bedazzled. And it is probably going to be one of the greatest pieces of art and comedy ever seen. It should be nominated for awards, or at least give me a Mark Twain comedy award. Thank you so much. God bless. Live, laugh, love.

Tune in on Bleep.

It's very soon.

I'll fucking put it in.

I have never been great with details.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm so excited for you. Oh, my God. That was like a. We're like, bleep. Hello. Okay, we're back. Wrapping up. Like, we need to shut the fuck up and go film some content.

But this has been really fun.

Has it?

Can I tell you, I really enjoy you. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. This has been fun. I'm so proud of you. I know we just met, but it is so fucking cool. To see fucking bitches doing it.

I know.

Just doing it, period. And you should be so proud of yourself.

Thank you. I feel the same way about you. That's why it's so fun to do what we do, because I feel like we get to see each other on social media, and it's always funny to be like, what is this bitch gonna be like? I'm sure you thought that when you were coming here, like, what is Alex Hoover gonna be like? And I am so happy. You're so fucking normal and, like, you're humble and you're amazing and your tits are fucking amazing.

Thank you. I really appreciate it. And I just want you to know, you know, be the you today that you want to be tomorrow.

Heather, I love you. Thank you for coming on call.

I love you. Thank you for having me.