Do you hear that? That is the sound of 4 Star Pizza's dough being made fresh in store. A process which takes some time because we believe your taste buds deserve better. Nearly there. Ah, the sound of it proofing.

Some might say it's just pizza. But why settle? 4 Star Pizza, always made honestly for you. Order online or via our app now.

Calling everyone who works in the airport and surrounding business park, like pilots, management, airline staff, admin, baggage handlers, sales assistants, cleaners, and their families. Please make your way to Aviate Credit Union for accounts, loan applications, travel and home insurance, and more. Thank you. Since 1962, Aviate Credit Union has been looking after the needs of airport workers and their families. Visit aviatecu.ie.

Aviate Credit Union is regulated by the Central Bank of Ireland.

What is up, daddy gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper,

with call her daddy. Daddy.

Okay. Jackie Schimmel, welcome to call her daddy.

Oh, are we on?

We're on.

Oh, fuck. Yeah. Okay.

I figured we have Henry. Leo, can you maybe come in

and Richard.

Richard. Oh

my god. Richard, come here. Treats?

Wait. Look at his body.

I it it baffles me. He's so low to the ground. It's crazy. Look at his body type.

Like How do you explain his body type?

Can we

get you in

the camera?

Come here.

Leo, get your ass over here. Come here, baby bitch. I would say that he is reverse pear shaped. His father is pear shaped,

and he's reverse pear shaped. Are you talking about his father as in your husband?

Yes. Andrew is Andrew is pear shaped. He's a 100% pear shaped. He should know.

I dated a guy that was pear shaped once. It's not bad. I don't love the chafing element. And speaking of chafing,

I'm wearing burlap pants. It's a 100 degrees. I feel like I have a white woman's, like, cocktail reception in my vagina. Oh, great. Itchy in the wrong places.

So you're a fellow podcaster.

Yeah.

And I was thinking about this. Someone I asked people to write in, like, what do you guys want us to talk about?

Oh god.

And people were like, how are you guys friends? And I'm like, how do we That's rude.

Yeah. No. No. How are

you guys? Like, how did you guys become friends? They're like, no. They're not like, how the fuck are the 2 of you friends?

I'm like, it kinda makes a lot of sense.

You guys don't get it? Like, we're kinda similar at all? No. And I was like, how how did we become friends?

Okay. I totally know how this happened.

Tell us. Also, I love that I'm drinking ice coffee. I never knew this before, but I figured I'm so comfortable with you that if I need to shit my pants during the interview That's because I'm I keep

A full gallon of matcha, and I probably will ship, but you won't know because I'm wearing burlap pants.

What are burlap pants?

You know, like, when you go to, like, a sad live laugh love wedding and they have, like, those burlap tablecloths at the cocktail hour?

Yeah. Yeah. You're wearing them. Although oh, yeah. Like, I get that.

That looks like beach house vibes, actually.

They're Gucci. Fuck off.

I actually love when you're wearing designer, but they're you have to clarify they're designer because they

don't sad.

They don't appear designer.

No. They really don't. No. They do. They do.

They're, like, itchy and, like, lei veg.

You need to pull this down. I need to see your face. You look great today. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

You do?

Don't you podcast for a living?

Yeah. But I don't do video. Oh, that is by clear and concise design, honey.

I will say that's 1 of my least favorite things about doing video is I've had to start putting, like, makeup on.

Like a little tinted moist?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Even for

a solo, those are I'm definitely I look worse.

What's going on with the flowers in here?

It didn't even

Like, what's happening? What is this?

Let me just be so clear.

Why are they so erect? No. K. Speaking of Midwest cocktail hour

Let me be so clear.

Marrying your cousin,

what is going on? Okay. You know what? This is a good conversation to start off with. Yeah.

My set, I started with, like, a vision.

What was that vision? Can we just get some, like, hot pink orchids?

Okay. Aren't you rich? No. Here's the issue. We start I started with the vision of, like, big cozy comfy chairs.

What is that what is that turquoise vase? This is called like

terse type balls.

It's like an urn. It's like a sad low bud shiva in here.

What is going on? Okay. Let me explain to you.

Oh, sorry.

I'm so happy someone called out because every time someone comes in here, they're like, it's so cute in here. I'm like, it looks like a grandmother's room.

No. I like this.

You like this?

I don't understand what's happening with your floral concept. Oh. Richard, it's okay. It's anxiety. It's okay.

Oh, Richard. Wait.

Wait. Richard is having a panic attack and Henry is like, get the fuck away from me. Are you okay? Are you about to is he okay? He's fine.

We just need a break.

Cleo. It's anxiety.

Do you

wanna hold him?

No. He's fine.

It's okay, Richard.

Don't fucking embarrass me.

I love how Henry has, like, 0 give a fuck. Okay. We're swerving.

Can I

let him put my feet on here?

Please. It's fine. Thank god. We're gonna get rid of these chairs anyways. Okay.

Good. So when I designed this room, I really had a vision where I can take I had a vision where the chairs I think we need to take your dog to

the vet. No. He does this all the time. It literally is like he gets overwhelmed. We went to the Bahamas a couple years ago, and he was in such emotional distress that we left him that he had, like, a whole anxiety condition.

We almost put him on Prozac.

Get into the festive spirit with amazing Christmas value at Aldi, a choice of festive party food, including mini veggie spring rolls from just 99¢. From December 20th, Bored Beer quality assured 100% Irish turkeys from just 8.99. They'll fly out the door. And Elite Mercado Biscuits now only 7.99. Save €5.

Save a couple for me while you're at it. Aldi, have a cracking Christmas. Biscuit offer available until December 4th and quantity restrictions apply while stocks last.

How the fuck are we friends? How do we become friends?

Okay. You know what's so funny? I don't even know if you remember this. We met during the pandemic in person, and we had DM ed a couple times. Now I I didn't know who you were, but I knew that you and your ex partner had this show.

I had heard of Call Her Daddy, and then you had DM'd me a couple times, I think, or maybe maybe your ex partner had DM'd me a couple times. And I ignored them because I'm a lovely person. And then somehow during the pandemic, I think we started talking on Instagram Yes. And following each other and then, like, so annoying, met up, became, like, Internet friend, and then did a podcast swap.

I will never forget how bad that podcast was because

didn't know what a swap was.

I had no idea I'll never do it again. It was so out who's calling me? This is so unprofessional.

I mean, you would never do this with Hailey Bieber.

I would have my phone in the different room. Meanwhile, I'm like, hold on. Let me check.

Fresh florals. The urns would be put away. This is some bullshit.

You know what? No. You're right. That's how we became friends. 1st, we started as podcast friends.

Yep. And then after we podcasted, I remember we were like,

Oh, we like each other.

And then we had the connection where you know my boyfriends through childhood Yes. And it's like a whole thing. So it ended up working out and then, like, family friends and stuff.

A 100%. But, you know, as a podcaster, you meet a lot of fucking people. I don't fuck with that many people. I really don't.

And you keep coming back around to me.

I yeah. I like you. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I appreciate you coming on because I'm desperate for a guest right now. Around the holidays, we can't get anyone

even look me in the eye and say desperate for a guest or I will shank you in the backyard. Desperate for a guest,

Alex Cooper? You are like I don't have guests. No. You know what? That's I wanted to say to anyone that is new, you have balls.

Oh, no. You've got a big vagina. Massive. Massive. And don't you always talk about how you have to put, like, multiple

tampons? But you know what? Here's the thing. And if there's 1 thing that I want to say on caller daddy today is that my vagina is not wide. It is shallow.

So for a long I have a very shallow vagina, and I'm a woman of extreme efficiency. So, like, I don't understand light girlies. Like, you go to fucking CVS and you're getting tampon lights. We already have to deal with the pink tax. Now I'm having my Gloria Steinem moment.

Get ready

for it.

Oh, we love it.

We already have to pay the pink tax. All boxes of tampons are the same price. Okay? So why would you go light when you can go ultra? Just from a fiscal standpoint.

Wait.

Do you buy the ultras? Fuck yeah.

I will I have fit 2 ultras inside of me, side by side like fighter pilot jets, Like fucking Top Gun.

1 time I bought I thought I was buying super, and I realized I bought super plus. And I was like, oh, this is, like, in the big leagues. I didn't even know there was ultra.

I can raw dog ultras. And you think about it. Okay. You're either, like, changing lights every 20 minutes or you ultra that shit. You're ready to rumble.

You could fly to fucking Abu Dhabi.

Have you ever bled through an ultra?

Fuck yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay. That's good. Came out of me. Slid down the mountain.

Isn't that the worst when you have a tampon and you can feel it's it's coming out?

There is. Let me tell you something. I was coming back from Paris Okay. A few months ago. And I had an ultra in because I'm, you know, a feminist.

And I was going through customs, and I thought I was good to go because I did, like, a mid flight switcheroo. And thank god I was wearing a jogger pant with an elastic ankle because something happened during customs where I was like, she is she has left my body. And it fell out, and it was just pooling at my ankle. Sorry. I know her throat's closing out.

This is really disgusting. Are you saying that your ultra tampon popped out of your vagina and slowed? Steady,

like a ski toboggan.

It just slid out. And I

was, like, I was trying to, like like, tilt my pelvic floor and, like, kegel it back in, but it had the it the Ultra had left the abdomen.

So it's sitting at the bottom of, essentially, the elastic pocket of your jogger, and what did you do? Because customs, there ain't no moving.

You're

in there. I said, thank god I had an elastic ankle, and I just moved low and slow. Like, I was just like

Were you with your husband?

No. I was alone, which is kind of unfortunate because I would have loved to, like, have that experience together.

Agree with you. When something, like, funny or embarrassing or just, like, out of body is happening, when you're alone, it can be even worse slash funnier because you're, like, you're going through the internal self dialog of, like, what do I do? What do I do? It would be 10 times better.

Pops out.

Where are we going?

What am

I gonna do? Where are we going from here? Do I just, like, turn a blind eye and, like, keep on moving with my fucking passport, or do I pick it up? Like, I don't know. And I almost wanted to, like, tell people in the line because I thought it was so hilarious.

I have never

I will say to anyone listening, if you're having, like, a bad day, just think I have never I will say to anyone listening, if you're having, like, a bad day,

just think that you've never had an Ultra slip out of

your an Ultra. Mattress. Come out of your vagina Yeah. And slip down your leg. When did you take it out?

Oh, I went I, like well, I didn't run because I I couldn't run, but I did a very slow stroll to the bathroom and

yeah. I want you to, like, take me through iterations of yourself through life. So, like, start at, like, young Jackie. No.

No. Like a Barbara woman.

No. No. No. No. But, like, do you know what I'm saying?

Like, bring me back to young Jackie and walk us through so people can really get to know, like, who you are and the evolution of you.

I am embarrassed to say that my evolution has been pretty nonevolutionized. Like, I have been, like, kind of the same my whole life. It was just about what I was able to get away with. You know? Because, like, when you do have adhesive headgear and gingivitis and you're like it like, things aren't landing the same way when you're in 7th grade as when you're 32.

You know what I mean? Like Yes. It's it's taken years for me to, like, fully be, like, all caps myself in public. But as a kid, I was super obnoxious. I was annoying as fuck.

I hated socializing, but, like, I did the thing because I didn't wanna be a loser. But I was always, like, I loved, like, doing, like, characters, and I was always, like, doing bits. And I was, like, just annoying as fuck. Like, my parents were, like, literally go play on the freeway. Like, that was, like, a like, I wasn't allowed to be in the house, which is interesting because now I have this, like, weird thing where I can't be home from 10 to 4.

Like, I have to be out of the house. Because I have, like, this weird, like, Nell energy about it, and I just don't like festering at home. It makes me feel like a loser.

Where

do you go?

Anywhere. And I'll sit in parking lots. I don't care. I do not like being home. Wait.

What? It's the weirdest thing. Wait. Okay. So can you So as a kid, my parents were like,

get the fuck

out of the house. And you just go? Oh, I would I mean, self amusement is truly, like, the rhythm of my dance floor. Like, I love being alone. I love being untethered.

I like doing weird shit. I don't care. I never have cared if other people get it or think it's funny. It like you just said, it makes it funnier when nobody else understands what's going on.

That's so true. Someone DM'd me. I I posted something the other day where I was like, it's not that revolutionary. Like, I'm just alone a lot. Someone messaged me and like, I love how, like, you and Jackie always make me feel better because you guys are just always alone

Yeah.

And, like, doing shit alone. You guys feel so comfortable alone. And I'm, like, why would I wanna be with anyone else? You have a husband. I have a partner.

I'm, like, why would I ever wanna be with anyone else?

I feel, like, the most myself when and, like, comfortable. And, yes, I do have, like, slight OCD tendencies as diagnosed by a licensed professional, but I feel, like, so alive and present when I'm by myself. I do too. Like I gotta start tap dancing. You know?

Yes. And I'm happier. Me too.

Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye, guys.

Gotta go. No. I appreciate that. Can you explain what gingivitis is? And also Sure.

Did you have to publicly wear an, adhesive headgear? No. Only

no. No. No. I didn't. But, like, sleepovers weren't a thing.

I did have, like, those rubber bands that, like, really Mhmm. And, unfortunately, I've always loved a mixed metal, so I would go, like, gold, silver, like, brackets, like, on my braces.

Okay. So you had

Gengivitis is a condition, a dental medical condition, in which you have hypersensitive inflamed gums. So I had an allergy to the cement on the braces. You know? So my gums like, I had no teeth. It was just gum and metal.

And then I would have to get my braces off every month, which is why I had them for almost 5 years because I needed to let the gums breathe. Yeah. And they would just bleed constantly. I just always I mean, bleeding out of my vagina, bleeding out of my gums. It's a

it's a whole Why do I feel like that made you this is so insult Uh-huh. Why do I feel like that made you let me say that. A mouth breather.

Am I a mouth breather? I probably am.

Feel like back in the day

Back in the day.

You would be a mouth breather because, like

Oh, yeah. There were so many fluids, and I always had a roll on lip gloss to boot. So it was so shiny and so, like I was it was a lot.

Okay. So you were a mouth breather. Yeah. You had gingivitis. You had a headgear.

But I was, like, in on it. Mhmm. And I was also hugged a lot as a kid. So I was like, I would come home like, if I ever had, like, any type of insecurity or like, my ass or that. You know, like, in middle school, I wasn't super cute, but I had I really, like, leaned in.

You got it. You got the joke.

I was like, whatever. I'm like, who wants to be hot in middle school? How embarrassing.

That's something where I remember where people were trying to expose me for my younger photos, and at first, like, as I had, like, not gone through therapy about it, I was like, I was so ugly. Like, I was so awkward, and I was like I felt like I was doing whack a mole to, like, try to get people to not know what I looked like, and then I was like, how incredible to know that I didn't fucking peak in middle school, you dumb bitches. Like, how great. How great. Okay.

It's

so not that big of a deal.

And it's like why when you see people's middle school photos, most of the people this is so fucked up. Sorry. But most of the people that

were Don't apologize to me, Cooper. K.

Most of the people

Yeah.

That were, like, the hot chicks in middle school are now addicted to, like Meth. Yes. Okay.

It didn't go well. Exactly.

And I think, listen, if you're listening and you were a beauty queen since day 1

Well, fuck you.

Yeah. Yeah. I was gonna say we, you know, we, yeah, fuck you.

And also, like, I even now, I don't really think I don't put, like, a lot of weight on how I look. Mhmm. Like, that's not where I get self esteem at all.

Talk about that.

I don't know. I mean, I think that, like, I've I'm lucky that I had a good childhood. Mhmm. And I've always felt pretty secure ish, and I just have never, like, thought that that was a sustainable way to get self esteem. Like

Yeah.

I just don't think that's, like, the thing that people should aspire to get attention for. I agree. I think Granted, I'm gorgeous.

You're, like, totally get it wrong. Like

I just want you to know if you're not watching the video, I also happen to be super cute.

If you're listening to this, quickly just tune in. You will swerve off the road if you see this beauty sitting across your face.

Get a boner that will go through your windshield. However no. I I have met, like, some of the most beautiful people in the world that I think are fucking busted because they're so boring. And especially nowadays

Yeah.

In 2022, I think we really need to prioritize, like, some fucking personality and opinions because I'm bored with everybody on the fucking Internet. It's called shelf life. Have fun.

When I was doing research for this, which was minimal, I wrote down something that I thought was interesting. And I was like, I I thought I knew you

Okay.

And apparently I don't know you at all. Okay. And I was, like, I think Jackie Schimmel is subtly a version of Anna Delby. Okay. Okay.

And then it really clicked. I was, like, this bitch bought her fucking art. They're in on this together. Uh-huh. You faked a college diploma from UCLA Mhmm.

To get a job. Yeah. Can you please confirm and clarify? And first of all, I just wanna be clear. I wasn't, like, going on to Jackie's shit trying to find out if she's been arrested.

It's, like, on your website. You're like Yeah. I faked my college diploma blah blah.

Yeah.

So first of all, did you ever attend UCLA?

No.

Okay.

But I lived in off campus housing. Like, I somehow was able it was a different time. I was able to get to the UCLA, like, roommate housing site. What? Yeah.

And I lived with all UCLA students, like, in an off campus, like, housing Okay. Establishment.

I need to I think that when I was reading about that, I was like, okay. I have cheated on tests. Duh. Of course. Who has?

And I've gone to extreme lengths of, like, cheating and I got caught a couple times. But I feel like it takes a certain level of, like, sick, like, no fear of consequences to fake and to give someone a resume that you're applying for a job and be like, I went to UCLA Hero. How did you come up with this? How did you make it happen? And are you good at Photoshop?

You know what? I Photoshop didn't exist back then, but I did have the Paint app. Humblebrag.

So you created a fake diploma from UCLA?

I had gone to community college for literally 1 day. Couldn't have been, like, less interested. I was like, this is terrible. I graduated high school with a 1.8 GPA. What?

I'm broke. It's, like, my favorite thing to

drop in.

Wait. Really? Literally. Yeah.

Just no interest in school?

None. None. No drive?

No. No concern that, like, you wouldn't get a job?

No. I wasn't, like, thinking that far ahead. I kinda just figured, like, I'll just, like, get in there and, like, you know, whatever. Confidence? Delusion.

The fact that you were, like, 1 point whatever the fuck GPA, how do you even also even get that?

It's actually quite an accomplishment. You basically have to fail everything. It's like straight d's. And did you It's like d's and c's. Yeah.

Through for 4 years.

So then you go to community colleges for 1 day.

For 1 day, could not be bothered. I was like, this is not my fucking journey. So I actually lied to my parents for, like, a year and said that I was going to college, and I doctored. That's how I got my paint app Photoshop skills. I was faking report cards.

And my parents were, like, very hands off. They trusted me way too much. Like, they, like, weren't asking questions. They weren't, like, how was like, they just didn't ask about it.

Were you doing during this time?

You

know, there was this amazing cheese shop downtown. I was cooking. I was eating. I was drinking boxed wine. I was, like, going on walks.

I was I

I don't know what the fuck is. Have a job?

No. And then, eventually, I while I was lying to my parents, I got an internship. So then I and then lied to them and said I was graduating college, but I was only a sophomore. And then they offered me a job. And that just kind of started kick started my fraudulent, life.

And then you literally just started giving people saying you went to UCLA.

Mhmm.

How I'm interested to know because I think when you start a lie, it can tumble, tumble, tumble. Yeah. How far did you were you buying, like, Bruins UCLA gear? Like, whoo. Go Bruins.

Like, what? Like, whoo.

Well, I only was lying to, like, human resources or, like, people, like, super high up that I wasn't with every day. So, like, every by the way, I have no fucking chill. I am, like, the most I have borderline Tourette's where I have to tell everyone everything all the time. Right. So I think that's it was a real learning curve, but everyone that

I was working with, like, kind of, you know. Interesting. And then HR didn't.

No. And it didn't really it didn't really cause a problem until I started working at, like, a really, you know, esteemed financial institution where they did this little thing called hot tip employment verification. Oh. So part of that is they call all the admissions offices, and then they, like, confirm your degree.

And what happened?

Well, the good news is that I was in charge of employment verification, so I just kept taking mine and putting it at the bottom of the list.

Stop. And then did it you ever get caught? No. I'm gonna honestly say I respect it because I think it takes a level of I don't know the word. Like, it it's really a ballsy move that I don't think a lot of people could pull off.

Like, what would be the worst that could happen? Oh, no. I'd get fired from my receptionist gig at the financial institution where it was miserable all day.

Like, no. You're right. I guess it's actually really innovative and crafty. Where do you get your confidence from?

I I think that I'm myself all the time, and I like myself. And I understand that not everyone is gonna fuck with me, and that's totally cool.

I appreciate that because I feel like it takes I feel like no 1 says, like, I like myself. Because now I'd be like, you're a narcissist and you're an egomaniac. It's like, no. I just like myself. I've gotta live with myself here.

So we're gonna

I don't think I'm, like, the prettiest person in the entire world. I don't think I'm necessarily that smart. I don't think I'm the funniest person. I don't, like, I don't think any of those things about myself. I'm just, like, happy I get to, like, do the thing as me.

I because what else am I gonna be? Miserable, I'm gonna wake up and be like, god damn it, Jack. You need veneers. Like, whatever. Who cares?

Like, that's such a waste of time.

Let's talk about the real reason you're here today. K. You are here I'm actually sweating too. You're here to defend a woman's right to wear an ankle boot.

Oh, yes.

For anyone that has no idea what I'm fucking talking about, Morgan Stewart came on the podcast. Bitch. That fucking bitch came on my podcast and had the audacity to fuck up every single person that works at Call Her Daddy, ruined. I've been on team Zooms of people being like, oh, Alex, what am I supposed to do? Do I have to throw out my ankle boots?

Let me just clarify. To anyone that has no idea what we're talking about, Morgan Stewart came on Call Her Daddy and basically took a hard stance

Yeah.

Against ankle boots.

I have a lot of thoughts about this

today.

Yeah. I have known Morgan and love her dearly for years years. A very good friend. And I know that when Morgan assassinated the ankle boot in early November of 2022, I I can close my eyes and envision what she was talking about. I think she's thinking of, like, a round toe, Louis Vuitton, chunky heel, like, club rat 1 oak shoe.

Oh, okay. I will say as a woman with very long femurs, I'm talking about myself, and gorgeous sculpted chins, talking about myself, that I look very good in an ankle boot. Dare I say, stunning leg porn OnlyFans.

So this is controversial because she said not even I Irena how do you say her name? Irina Schenck?

Schenck.

Schenck?

Schenck.

Look good. So you're essentially saying you are more gorgeous on the lower half than Irina Schenck.

I do suffer with dermatitis on my legs, so I'm working on it. But I fuck with an ankle boot. Now Morgan has since specified.

Now I'm Let's call her. I wanna call her. I just sent Morgan my, location. Come through, bitch. Oh, wow.

Let's call her.

That is drama.

It's very drama. I'm like, where are you? Roll up.

She should be nervous.

What else is she doing? She just got some kids.

Whatever. Yeah. Big whoop.

Wow. Hello?

Oh. Hello? Hi, Morgan.

Hey, Morgie. Hi, honey. Wait. I'm putting you on

am I not doing this right? Okay. Here I am. I'm so stressed out. I got it.

Tell her

she's being recorded.

Currently, you're being recorded.

I'm being recorded. Okay. I like it. I like it.

And I'm sitting across from Jackie Schimmel.

Oh, we love her.

We've been talking shit on you for 20 minutes. Yep.

Have you? No. You guys like me too much to do that.

Okay. We need you to settle ankle gait, ankle boot gait. I just wanna let you know the amount of women that have now thrown out all of their ankle boots because of you, it's been honestly an uproar that's happened, and I wanna give you the chance to clarify. What did you mean?

What did you mean, Morgan?

This is literally Oprah said she wasn't eating meat anymore. This is what I've done to the ankle boot industry. Like, I did not realize.

This is And your friend's closet.

My DMs are flooded. It's very clear. First of all, to use our dear friend Jackie as an example from dinner, a flat combat boot is not the ankle boot I was referring to. I was referring to the black suede heeled ankle boot with the inner zipper where the zipper's inside the boot. And the only real issue I have is when that is being used as a heel and it is an exposed ankle boot.

Like, an ankle boot with a sheer tight and a mini skirt, not doesn't work. Doesn't work.

Okay. Okay. I actually wanna go ahead and say I agree with you.

I agree with that. Thank you.

Okay. Okay. Because I think this is the thing. How many people wear an ankle boot and then there's, like, your pant goes over it, and you're wearing a fucking boot with a jean? Great.

Great.

You don't know.

Fine. No problem with that.

But when you're wearing shins. Yes. Yes. But when you're wearing a dress or a skirt or even shorter jeans

It's a little 2012.

Yeah. It's like Aldo, Steve Madden. We're giving work.

We're giving Empire Nordstrom. Elongates.

And also just to be very clear so everybody at, at home understands is you're also wearing a skinny black pant or jean and it fits into the ankle boot, you still don't tuck the pant into the boot.

Okay. Okay.

Unless it's a baggy ankle boot and it's like an Isabel Marant style, that works.

I was just gonna use that as a counterargument. 0. 0. 0. I literally Morgan Stewart.

I was just gonna say that as someone with gorgeous shins, you know how Isabel Marant does that little dip in the front? Yep. That little dip dip. Me looking good in the dip dip.

Yeah. So Jackie's been, bragging about her shins. Oh, we just hung up. Okay. Apparently You're back.

I don't know if I hung up on her or her phone died. Goodbye, Morgan. You've already had your time on caller dialing. This is Jackie. You, Morgan.

This is about me. Okay. So I actually think that clarifies a lot, and I do feel better about it. I'm really not just now I'm not gonna answer if she calls.

Yeah.

I think I feel better. I do you still stand by, though? Like, are you gonna go to an event with a dress and an ankle boot?

I would never wear a heeled ankle boot.

Okay. Me too. Me neither.

Not I would wear, like, a western style ankle boot with, like, a little bit of a heel Yeah. But not like a stiletto ankle boot. Of course not. Now I could never. I mean, even if I was, I would lie about it.

Because I

don't want Morgan to harass and bully me.

I I it's really interesting to see how powerful that conversation was, and I'm like, Jackie, are you gonna say anything today that is going to traumatize my audience?

Probably.

Let me get myself some water.

I know. I've been screaming about ankle boots.

Hold on.

Oh, I'll put this in the cute cup. Oh, wow. Paper straws. I'll give you a fucking hot take.

Excited?

Fuck the turtles. I like plastic straws.

You know what? Although I I I actually agree with you in terms of By the way, I

love that that's, like, the most controversial thing you could ever say. I was at, like, a fucking dinner, and I said something like it was like an influencer dinner. We don't we'll never talk about again. I'm so embarrassed.

To 1 of those?

I only went to 1, and then I got, like, basically kicked out. And I said something about, like, bring back the plastic straws. And it was like I had just said like, I had done, like, a hail Hitler or something. Like, it was like it was like the whole like, there was, like, a rogue wave of shame and disappointment. And these girls were like, that's just, like, not cool.

And I'm like, I can't make a joke about plastic straws. I cut them up when I'm done to save little baby Franklin. You know Franklin? Of course.

I know Franklin. I think you're right. There's bigger issues of how to solve the issues of the environment. Like, stop going on your private planes.

Oh, yeah.

How about that?

Let's, like, tackle bigger issues.

Yeah. Yeah.

You think you're superior because you suck out of a paper limp dick straw that's compostable? Yeah. Me too. I love it.

Love it. Shout out. No single use plastics, guys. Okay. So let's talk about our dinner the other night.

We'll start with this. We went to Tower Bar, which is, like, a great place to go. Right?

Great vibe. Dark. We had a

great conversation about Mean Girls and, like, adult Mean Girls.

And we're talking about we're

not talking about the movie Mean Girls. I'm talking about, like, real life women

that

are bitches.

Yes. I wanna know Mhmm. How do you define a mean girl?

I think a mean girl is probably someone that's dealing with insecurities Mhmm. And therefore is deeply threatened and put off by people who feel, who feel like they it highlights what they dislike about themselves. I think a mean girl is someone who, projects a very different version of themselves to the public. And then, you know, behind closed doors is just, like, spewing mad shit that says nothing about the other person. It's all about them.

Or someone who someone who can't be friends with someone who's doing better than them

Mhmm.

Is a fucking mean girl. I completely agree with,

I think, every single dude.

Dudes are the same way. It's it it takes, like if you can't be happy for someone Uh-huh. That's doing better than you or or has something that you want

Mhmm.

And there's not a there should never be a sting.

Yeah.

I don't feel like there should be a lingering sting.

I I agree with you. And I something I was thinking about was, like, I agree with you on the mean girl thing. I think there's, like, such a deep rooted insecurity and there it almost feels like

there's this underlying, like, anger in them. Everybody deals with, like, feeling like they're not enough or they're not funny and smart, successful. Whatever it is, everybody has those feelings. You need to buck up, grab your vagina, and differentiate that how you're feeling has no merit to what other people are doing. You need to be like this.

Yeah. You need to, like what are you do like, I just find that to be it's so embarrassing. Listen.

I think there is a different level of, like, everyone talks shit. It's a bonding technique, a. It's therapeutic Yeah.

And it's really not that big of a fucking deal.

You can tell when someone's talking shit and it's, like, a genuine, like, oh, you're, like, really upset about this.

If you're, like, bothered.

Yes. Like, it's a joke. Yeah. Like, we're chilling. Like You're too close to it if you're so bothered.

How would you handle a mean girl who you can tell is, like, genuinely trying to, like, make you feel like shit?

I I think, like, in any situation, you have to get ahead of it. And, like, directness is always the best way. It throws people off, especially you get 1 of those kinds of girls that's, like, really trying to, like, whip in Ney Ney and, like, fuck you up. You're like, you wanna dance? Let's start fencing like the Parent Trap.

Like, do you wanna play? Let's fucking play. I'll stab you right in the eyeball. Like, we're not doing this dance. So I like to nip shit in the bud and let them know what time it is.

Like, I'm I see we're watching a different movie. You're watching Mean Girls, and I'm watching Poltergeist. You know what I mean? Like, I do not fuck like that.

So what the fuck would you say to someone?

I'd be like, what is your intent here? Are you trying to, like you just have to, like, get a high beam flashlight and just roll and be like like, what is your agenda here?

Just cutting right because I think people could also argue, like, just killing people with kindness. I don't That's your journey. That's personally not mine. Also, I will say, I think sometimes with my energy, I'm like, I just, like, don't have the energy for you. Like, be a bitch.

And I'm literally like, this is so embarrassing for you.

Then you

can just sit like a little shiva and you just clip it. Right. Okay. We're not you we're not friends.

I've had people write in. I'm like, if someone's being a bitch to me, you can really just say, hey, Caroline. I'm like, Caroline, I don't know anyone.

Caroline, what's the agenda of this conversation?

Yeah.

What's your agenda?

What my dad always told me to say is, what's your point?

Yeah. What's your point?

Because then they're like, well, my point no. No. No. What's your actual point?

Where are we going here? And there's something that's so off putting about being, like, very brazen in a conversation when you can feel that someone's trying to, like, mince you Uh-huh. Put you into a corner to say something so you look stupid or embarrass you. Just you just lean the fuck in. Mhmm.

Go harder. And humor defuses everything and is, like, the ultimate like, it it's just Mhmm. It's the card. It's the card that always fucking wins.

You're right. You're right.

So you can diffuse anything and say exactly what you need to and make it, like, light and fluffy and not drama because I don't play that game either. There's nothing more cringe and embarrassing.

You don't

wanna be the girl crying at a dinner because, like, Katie from Milwaukee hurts your feelings because she doesn't like your ankle boots. Making it about me? No. Literally.

I I get what you're saying.

Just, like, take control of the narrative. Yeah. Make it funny and be unbothered.

How do we make it funny?

How do you make it funny? I think you get ahead of it. I think, like, self deprecation always really works. Yep. But, like, if someone said

Say some say a girl's in a room with everyone and, like, a guy didn't end up texting the girl back and her friend's a fucking mean girl asshole, and she's like, yeah. Well, Johnny didn't text Sarah back.

Oh, so be like, yeah. It's probably

because I have herpes. Like, oh, it's probably because I have, like, small tits and no ass. And you like, it's something like making fun of yourself that you're just Probably because

I have herpes, but, like, I'll just, like, kill him tonight. And you, Kirsten. You just, like, get ahead of it. Be like, yeah. Oh my god.

What will I do? I'm probably just gonna, like, die alone because I'm just, like, so unfuckable.

And you say that, maybe not that exact thing, but you say, like, yeah. I'm gonna die alone. Right? Kirsten, what's your point?

Yeah. Kirsten, do you feel good? Yay. Kirsten. Yeah, Kirsten.

You're like, Kirsten, you good now? Richard and Henry. You look cooler to everyone in the room. We good now, Kirsten? Whoo.

Okay. Let's all

go back

to having a good time.

Okay. Yeah.

What do you think is a character flaw

of yours? Oh, without a doubt, no hesitation, I can lack empathy. I can be very, very unempathetic towards myself and towards everybody else. I don't have, like, an amazingly large sensitivity chip.

Mhmm.

So sometimes now I've learned to just fake it a little bit.

It's good. Just awareness.

Because it's the best I can do. But I don't really have, like, the threshold to sit at a lunch and, like, hear my girlfriend complain about her boyfriend over and over. And then they break up, and then they get back, and then she hates him, and then it's happened, and then that happened. I have little to 0 empathy for, like and even things that are worse than that. Like, I'm a little desensitized.

You're you're gonna be more like the friend that's like, k. So we've had this conversation 10 times. We can't talk about this anymore. Like, you gotta break up with him Yeah. Or shut the fuck up.

Do you think that comes more with, like, experience and age?

I think it comes from a lot of things. I think I'm, like, predisposition to just be like that. I've kind of always been like that, which is terrible. And then I've, like, been through shit. I lost my mom pretty suddenly.

I like, I've been through, like, a lot of, like, seemingly traumatic events, and I don't use those, like, as a crutch. Yeah. I don't know. I just I and you're not supposed to do this. You're never supposed to, like, compare, like, traumas or tragedies, but, like, I would I just I think that a lot of complaining is so, counterproductive.

I actually, can totally see where

you're coming from. My my best friend had lost her father.

Yeah.

And I remember having a conversation with her where she was like, everything now just sounds so

Dumb. Like, dumb. Like Dumb. Shut the fuck up. Oh my god.

And then, like I mean, you'll get friends that that call you that need to talk about, like, something that is so trivial. And if you're someone who doesn't like, I and I'm working on it, but I would I'm not someone who, like, leans on people. I've I try. I've been better about it, but, like, I don't like attention for sad stuff.

Uh-huh. I get that. I have

a hard time understanding and comprehending and, like, being a pillar of support for people who are so comfortable getting attention for sad stuff.

You know what? I think it's also there's a lot of people that find, like, almost get fueled and find, like, connection through Yeah. Connecting, being, like, just complaining about everything to their person. And trauma bonding. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And I actually I am similar to you in that aspect of, like, I remember I would be interested to know if this affected you with your husband, but, like Yeah. I remember in the beginning of dating, my boyfriend would always be like, okay. I am your partner.

I can tell you're upset about something, like, do you wanna share it? Totally. I'm, like, grossed out by, like, talking about my issues Same. Because I feel like I'm too aware that they're like, it's

Trivial. To me,

it's big right now, but this is trivial. Like, I don't need we don't need to talk about it. I'm upset about this. Like, let's move on. Where then my partner's like, yeah.

But, like, this is like, you're upset about this, like, let's talk about it. Totally. Does Andrew ask you to be like, babe, can you give me, like, a little something here?

Yeah. I think that he yeah. My husband definitely, like, feels close and wants to share and wants and I'm I just I've worked on it a lot. I still have a lot of Mhmm. Room to grow because it's just not my thing.

Like, it is not my default setting. It is so uncomfortable for me. I get, like, just I'm just, like, icked by it. I'm a self processor.

Mhmm.

And I just it's where I do the clearest thinking and healing, and I get defensive sometimes even with friends because I feel like they it validates them for me to dump or to, you know, emotionally. It validates the relationship or that I'm turning to them or I'm leaning on them. And maybe that's me being, like, fucked up and guarded, which it could be, but I don't need to do that. So I don't want

to do that. I I just think listen. If you feel like you're you process shit alone, I think especially for women, you almost feel like what's why do I not wanna, like, be

so old?

Guarded or you're, like No. Secretive. It's so not everyone's fucking different. Like, if you don't feel like sharing, you don't have to share.

I agree. Okay. You brought up your mom. Yeah. I have a lot of people write in

Mhmm.

That are like, how do I handle grief? And I understand everyone deals with it differently.

Totally.

Oh my god. Yeah. How would you give advice to someone that is, like, recently going through grief? Just, like, how to even understand it, handle it, move forward.

I mean, it really is, like, case by case. And I think that people who are, like, going through, like, a very difficult time should know that literally everything is temporary. Like, everything in the world is temporary. And for me, I was I, like, went through, like, a really weird time where I was just like, my whole world was shook. Like, everything I thought I knew was different.

Like, every, like, every security anchor was gone, and I was, like, free balling. And I was like, what the fuck? So in those situations, whether you're grieving or not grieving, like and your life is uprooted and you're in transitional periods, it's like you either sink or you swim. But for me, stagnant is not an option. So, obviously, like, I go through so many things.

It's like a random Tuesday where you're just, like, crying in a car, and you're like, what the fuck? I've always used humor to deal with everything. It makes everything easier. And for people who don't understand, I totally get it. I've got friends that are like, you're so fucking weird.

This is so dark. What is wrong with you? I understand that too. For me, I've always used it. It makes everything easier to digest.

It's not like it's not deflective coping. It's kind of like it's it is what it is. Right. You know what I mean? And I would say, like, you kind of have to make, like, an internal decision.

Are you gonna sink? Are you gonna swim? For me, my whole agenda when my mom died, my throat's closing up.

You're like, can I drink my juice? I'm sweating.

Do you have any vodka? When I, like, really got in the mindset where I was like, I don't want attention for for I don't wanna walk into a room and get, like, the loose clutch on my shoulder of people being like, how are you doing? And how's your dad? And are you okay? And, oh, your mom loved you.

I'm like, no shit, bitch. I know my mom loved me. She hated you. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you start getting in that mode where it's like, now people, your whole identity is like you're walking around with a black veil.

Some people love that. We call them grief groupies. This is the problem. There are human beings who are finally getting attention, and they fucking love it. So you go through something terrible, and then everyone feels bad for you, and then everyone shows up with the casseroles.

And you feel like you got a little gold validation sticker on your fucking forehead. That's where you get into a weird rhythm of being the victim. That's not the vibe because that has an expiration date. And then everybody goes back to work in 3 months, and everyone fucking forgot because it's no longer relevant. To you, still very relevant.

To all the other people, doesn't matter. So I think, like, you have to I just always said that I was gonna, like, commemorate my mother's life with living the fuck out of mine. It doesn't mean that you don't have terrible dates. It doesn't mean you don't feel sad or you miss them. That's always going to exist.

But what like, why would you not wanna wanna experience your like, why wouldn't you wanna just have a good day when you can have a fucking good day? And a lot of that is about, like, emotional boundaries and people who don't who don't serve you. Like, it it's it becomes like this whole aftershock wave. You have to kinda just, like, dial it in and do the best you fucking can. Yeah.

It's it's really I don't even I feel like I haven't said anything.

No.

No. You I I think you said so much, and it it's helpful to hear because It's just a decision. I think that's really I don't wanna use the word powerful. But, like, you the way you articulate it, you said you did say so much because I think that there's a mentality Yeah. Of, like, I mean I've talked to my friend Lauren about this, like, her trying to decide, like, where where am I gonna go with my life?

Because I have my life and my dad has his life and, like, there's just a lot of shit you have to deal with internally of, like,

separating your own self from then what happened,

if that makes any fucking sense. 1000%. But also

still knowing,

like, that's your parent and you like, it's it's it's confusing. So many layers to grief and, like,

every instance is different. All I can say is that you just have to, like, make a conscious decision that you're not gonna walk around with a vigil candle and a fucking deli platter and shiv of flowers like Alex Cooper. It's all coming full circle back to the end of the episode. This is why I was triggered. You're literally, like, what funerals I've been to with the sad fucking deli platters?

I can't even go to a valley deli anymore because I've been to so many fucking funerals, and the Jews love deli platters. And then you're like, can you imagine you just put a family member in the ground, and then you're making, like, a pastrami sandwich? And then you look around, and you see these urns and the fucking shitty ass Ralph's flowers. It's terrible.

Maggie is fully triggered. She's like, why did you bring me here? I thought this was to be fun. So I I really do appreciate my last question about this, which I I think is very important, is there are people that on this unself aware spectrum have no idea how to handle if a friend is going through something and has lost someone in their life.

Okay? K.

And can you just quickly explain things that have, like been you don't have to give examples, but you could have things that are said that you're like, don't say this, you fucking idiot.

Please don't say everything happens for a reason or you will get slapped. Everything happens for a reason. Thank you. Thank you, Katie. Have fun with your mom.

Like, shut the fuck up. Don't do not anything that is on some spiritual religious bumper sticker, don't you fucking dare drop that shit. Don't do it. When you see a butterfly, don't say, that's I I could tell that was your mom. I fucking hate butterflies.

You get a fucking flyswatter, you're like, fuck.

I swear to God, I saw a rainbow yesterday, and I knew it was your mom. I was like, do you want to get hit? Do you wanna get hit? Do you wanna get hit?

It's this is this is what

It's a sign. Did you oh, she did this for you. I was so when I bought my house Okay. I this is, like, a whole other conversation. Okay.

I found my house. It was unlisted. It was off market. My realtor calls me. He's like, hey.

There's this house coming for sale. I only wanted to buy it in this 1 neighborhood. Whatever. So I go to the house. I break in.

It was vacant. The guy was dead. Whatever. I fucked. Broke in through the back.

The guy's dead inside?

No. Thank god.

He had died.

Went to hospice in Texas. Dead, out, fine. Great. Vacant. So I, like, you know, jimmied my way in, and I was like, oh my god.

I love this house. So I'm talking to my grandparents, and they said, oh, how's how's your guys' house hunt coming? And I'm like, oh, it's it's good. I think I found a house today. We're gonna put an offer.

And they're like, which house is it? We used to live in that neighborhood. And I give them the address, and it was my mother's childhood home. So I now live in my mother's childhood home. Okay?

I did not know. I had never been there because when my grandparents, like, lived in a different state, we never went there. It would it Right. I I wasn't alive. Right.

So that automatically made me hate the house because I was like, oh my god. That's so weird. Now it's gonna be, like, this whole, butterflies and rainbows and, like, bullshit. I'm like, I'm not dealing with it. Oh my god.

So I then got into, like, a severe bidding war where I had to basically bankrupt the entirety of our bank accounts to get this fucking house because I loved it so much. It was locked up in probate, blah blah blah. Took me, like, a year to get this fucking house. Okay. Very ruthless bidding war.

So I overpaid by, like, a like, an obscene amount of money that I can't even really say out loud because it will be alienating and disgusting. Whatever. So I get into this house. I have my family over for, like, the first holiday, and every single motherfucker looks at me with that fucking hand, with that loose little grip, the little shoulder grip in the upper the lip quiver and says, your mom got you this house. Your mom brought this house to you.

And I'm looking at them, and I'm thinking to myself, I've had to spread my legs, metaphorically, behind a microphone and hawking every product under the sun on Instagram like a shameless, ruthless prostitute for years so that I could buy this house because I bought the house. I wanted to buy the house. Me.

I bought the house.

Bled my bank accounts dry, and you have the nerve to tell me that this bitch, my dead mother, brought me the house? If that was the case, I would have fucking inherited it. I would have bought it before the pandemic when the housing market was a little more stable. Okay? How dare you?

And I it took everything in me. I was clutching my martini glass, like, with a white knuckling it, and I just wanted to bash it over everyone's head. And I even said to my dad, I'm like, if 1 more motherfucker says to me that my dead mom got me this house

I'm gonna lose it.

Somebody's gonna die in this house, and then the property value will really plummet. I will have to borrow your flowers for the shiva.

It's it's so fuck you. You are leaving today with them.

I'm gonna

have to

I'm not taking them. I hate them.

These are real. These are real.

Okay. We couldn't go low and tight? Had to go Couldn't go low and full?

He's crying. Come here. Sorry. Okay. He's crying.

He's upset.

Sorry, Henry.

Because okay. This is my this is my thought. Mhmm. Shut the fuck up. Please.

Just shut the fuck up.

This sucks so bad. I'm so fucking sorry. Fucking sorry. This is terrible. Like, what do you what can I do?

Okay. That's what I was gonna say. Everyone deals with grief differently. So follow your friend's lead. If it's also not your fucking friend and its acquaintance, shut the fuck up.

Please don't. I had it was so funny. Like, I had a friend that would, like, weaponize, like, my grief. Like, it wasn't like I wasn't like like I wasn't, like, coming to her to cry. Like, I was going to other people, and then she, like, said, do you not, like, feel comfortable with me, or do you not, like, feel close to me?

And I'm, like, you're literally the worst.

Like, you're making this about you. How are we

You suck so bad. And honestly, like, I should send her an edible arrangement because I need to thank her because she made the whole experience, like, so diffusive. Because I was like, oh, wow. Like, you just took me out of my grief because now I just wanna fucking head butt you because you're so stupid.

Wait. Like, what? What do you mean? How is this how did we make this about you?

What movie are you? What what? It was like I had a stroke. I was like, poor Croix. Do I need to, like, do I need to apologize to you because I'm not, like, sad enough for you?

Yeah. I think that's the wrap of up of that is, like, if it's if it's not your shit, shut just just literally

shut not talk about it. Like, it's it's not like that. It's just like re just the person

Read the room.

Do their thing.

Yes. Thank you.

And that's totally okay. That is such an extreme place of privilege to not understand, and I honestly think that's amazing. And you should just, like, run with that. It's fabulous. You lucky son of a bitch.

But, yeah. It's like an it's an extreme it's an extreme tier of privilege to, like, not understand that.

That level of And that's cool too. Totally. But if if acknowledge you don't know it, and so don't act like you have any fucking comprehension of what happened.

Oh my god. I love when, like, a friend who is like, I know, like, I lost my, my pet kitty when I was 3, and I was like, cool.

Even, like, sorry to say this. I need to move these.

Yeah. Please. Even

even and I'm not trying to be an asshole, but even when we're like Grandparents.

It's the circle of life.

That's cute. Guess they were 80, 90, like

Lie down. Go to sleep. As Kylie Bensma once or Bethany Frankel once said, go to sleep. Right. Like, they they had a good run.

Right. And that's, like, natural. Like, what were you expecting? They were gonna have, like, a revive and just start like, it's it's it that was how it was supposed to go.

Oh my god. My grandpa was, like, literally I was prepared for him to die for, like, 12 years. My parents were like, listen. Grandpa's, like, not super healthy. He's, like, totally overweight, like, had a terrible lifestyle.

They told me this when I was 7. That fucker hung around till I was, like, 25. It became like a bit in my family. I was like, you're still here. I've been prepared for years.

I grew out of my fucking funeral dress.

No. You're so right.

It's Like, I have 1 black outfit. I don't even fit in it anymore, grandpa. Jesus Christ. You're melting the clock. It's

turn so I can put you in the urn. Urn. And Alex can put you in here and make him play.

He did a much bigger urn. He was a very a very obese man. It would take up the whole room.

Shout out Jackie's grandpa. Love you. Love you. Is he still here?

No, he's dead. Wow, Alex. Okay. Long gone.

Okay. We're off we're we're moving off the grief topic. Yes. I think my last thing is this.

This is

actually just out of curiosity. Mhmm. What happened to your Zimmerman dress?

This is still on the topic of grief, by the way. I've experienced so much loss.

Well You're like, fuck my grandpa. Let's talk about the Zimmerman part.

The Zimmerman dress, Honestly, you know, hindsight's 2020. I'm like, I'm too cool for a Zimmerman midi dress. Like, I've evolved. Jesus. This is funny.

Okay. Okay. Give it to me. Well, I was attending a baby shower.

Okay.

And I was trying to find something, like, I found this dress. It was a Zimmerman dress. It had, like, a molded cup balconette with a cutout, pockets. She loves pockets. I love pockets.

Love. Okay? And it was in my size. I didn't have to wear a bra. I looked cute.

It, like, I had just had a parasite, so I was very gaunt. You were, like, winning. Like, literally, my clavicle was protruding, and I had, like, an upper rib cage thing because I was shitting out my colon for weeks.

No. This is, like, people are gonna be pissed. When we were at Tower Bar, you were like, I've just been feeling, like, a little, like, just, like, bloated or whatever.

Yeah.

And Jackie turns to the waiter. She's like, could I get, some, like, expired salmon?

I'm like, do you have a raw salmon filet that's unrefrigerated?

The guy wear

The guy did not get that at all. He was like Pardon? I was like I'll just Never mind. I'll just have the brands. You know?

Okay. So you're gaunt. You're ready with your dress.

I was ready to rumble. I found this dress. I had it hooked in the back of my car, and I have a convertible, and I was doing a bathroom renovation. I'm very hands on with my renovations. I love the Home Depot.

It makes me feel alive.

I love it.

Insecure Girls, go to Home Depot. Wear something tight and sexy. You will get accosted.

You you know what's crazy? Sorry to cut you off, but I remember back, back, back in the day where I said some controversial shit, I was self aware enough to know that if I went to the University of Arizona, I was gonna be, like, a 5 on the scale. Austin University?

It's the same thing at a Home Depot.

Give me a 12.

If you go to a Valley Home Depot, you've got better odds. If you go to, like, anything off the 405, it it kinda depends. It's all it's all about geography. You could run into Giselle, so you're gonna be the toad. Canoga Park Home Depot, you'll never feel anything like it.

So you're saying you go there and you feel the hottest, most beautiful version

of yourself?

It is the Victoria's Secret fashion show reboot at the Home Depot before 10 AM when all the contractors are there. Like, there's no, like, women, like you know, you're you're it. That's it. So I was there at about 7:35 in the morning. Jesus.

I know. Rise and grind. Okay. She's got contractors there. Grinding with contractors in aisle 4.

And I was in a bike short looking so cute, sawing my own fucking trim. I needed, like, 1 piece of trim for a door. I was trying to wrap it up. You know? And the trim was very long, so I had I figured the only way I could fit it in my car was to put my top down and shimmy it in the front so it could hang out the back.

Okay? K. Super safe.

In your convertible.

In my convertible. This is like Final Destination shit. Okay? So in in the transportation of my trim piece, I had the dress hooked on the back. Okay?

Okay. And I'm driving on the freeway, and I'm holding my holding the trim because I didn't really feel like having it, God forbid. I mean, honestly, in hindsight, I wish that that trim would have fucking hightailed it out of the car and, like, punctured the car behind me and I could have kept the dress, because I didn't have something to wear to the shower. Couldn't find anything. But I'm holding the trim.

I'm driving, like, cursing the day that my husband was born because he's, like, off at a trip somewhere.

Of course.

And I'm just schlepping lumber, literally schlepping lumber. And I look behind me, and I all of a sudden, like, I'm driving, and I just see, like, a pink like, a like, a pink parachute rising into the sky off the 101 freeway at 7:34 in the morning. And I'm like, I look behind. It was like slow mo. I see my fucking dress catch wind and fly the fuck out of my car.

Okay? So now I'm like, oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Like, how do what do I what do I even do? So I call highway patrol. I get off the freeway. I didn't even know who to call. I literally was like I have a dress.

It was $850, by the way. Okay?

Okay.

Tags attached.

Oh,

god. Glad I did you know, it it wasn't my journey esthetically, but it was an expensive dress that I never got to fucking wear. And it was sold out in the size I needed because everyone kept sending me the certain size. I needed a 2. 2 for the tits.

2 for the tits. 2 for the tits. Sold out. So I pull over on the side of the road. I'm now, like, pilfering through bushes.

Will you get out of your car? I kind of I did a little peruse.

Okay.

I did a little peruse. But then I thought, you know what? I called the highway patrol. They're gonna return it. Like, they're gonna get it dry cleaned for me.

I had a massage. And I was like, what world are you living in? I don't know. I listen. I live in suburbia.

I figured, listen. I call these guys. I'm like, I have a dress that flew out of my car.

Yeah. I feel like they get

all, like no. Literally, you're abusing. Someone was stabbed.

Yeah.

Like, usually, it's like there's a run on the side of the road. Someone was stabbed. There's an

animal that's dead. There's a car Kidnapping.

My Zimmerman dress was $900.

Could you

guys do a loop?

Could you

guys do, like,

1 of those zigzags, you know, where you shut the freeway down during rush hour? And, like, it has cutouts and pockets. It's, like, so cute. It's so good. It's so hard for me to find a dress where I don't have to wear a bra.

You're, like,

they're like, ma'am. You're like, no. No. No.

Size that you just like I don't know. Like, should I pull over on the like, I don't know. Like, I just feel like this is a safety breach. I've already been, like, sexually harassed at Home Depot. I'm not trying to, like, get picked up.

And what are they saying?

I mean, they were laughing. Of course.

As we all are now, Jackie.

We were laughing. Like, we were having a good time. I'm like, I here's where I live. Like, there's a dry cleaners down. I was, like, making all the jokes.

Know what I mean? So I thought, 100%. They're gonna fucking they're gonna pick it up, drop it off. So then I, like, you know, I had to deliver my trim pieces. I've got guys on the clock.

Okay? I'm not fucking around. And this is also relatable and likable. Daddy gang's gonna love this. Then I had a massage, and I so my phone was in my locker, whatever, and I had posted all of these stories.

In 1 of the stories that I had posted on Instagram, you can see the dress off the freeway. You can see its exact location, like, under a fence, under a pickup truck that was parked on the side of the road.

Like, it's, like, behind you while you're filming. You can see the pink. Someone spotted it.

Missed it. Yeah. So all of a sudden, I've been getting, like, so many messages of people circling, like, I see where your dress is. I see where your dress is. I knew exactly where it was.

I get back in my car. I drive back. It's not there. The next day, the dress, in my size, tags attached, sold out everywhere, is available for sale for pickup in the Los Angeles location of The RealReal. Full price.

Full price. And I'm like, no. So some shady fuck. Honestly, love them. If you did this, I will, like, please show yourself.

Yeah. We respect you. I respect you. I like you. I will go to Tower Bar with you, and we'll get raw salmon together.

Some shady ass bitch rolled up because I was giving, like, like, very specific geographics.

I remember you posting about this.

Get off at Canoga and make a ride.

Like, I said be somewhere near there. And you're kidding. These are people that love me and support me. They will bring the dress to me. They will get it dry cleaned and bring it to me.

I thought someone like, I imagine, like, a bunch of girls, 25 to 35, in bitch Bible merch and, like, fucking highway patrol, like, neon vests with flashlights, like, searching for this dress. That's in my head where I like, just Hawk and Macho with their Shih Tzus, like, patrolling the valley for my dress. A search and rescue mission.

You didn't think

No. I never thought. Naive.

That a little cunt Yeah. Was gonna say,

oh. And you know who'd do something like that? Me. Let me tell you something. When I was 18 years old, if I found out some bitch high had, you know, a a Zimmerman dress go airborne off the side of the 101 freeway, and it was tags attached for 850, and I was eating bagel bites for 3 weeks, you think I wouldn't be tits deep on the side of the freeway searching for that fucking dress?

You are dead wrong. So I can relate, and I respect it.

I have no words. I I guess we have to we end it by respectfully respecting the cunt that went out of her way. This one's for her. This one's for her. Whoever you are, I actually would fucking love Love.

If you reached out to us. Show yourself. We would actually really respect you.

I will.

If you're like, well

No.

No. No. If this person exposes themselves with receipt, we need a receipt from The RealReal. I need, like, all like, I need a full Manila folder to showcase that it's you. I will take you to Zimmerman, and I will buy you a full outfit.

It was me. Alex, we're going to Zimmerman.

Jockey? I

know. I'm sweating. Bring the mood down.

No. No. I love how when I'm, like, grief and then you're, like, no. I'm gonna bring it down even more. Yeah.

Grandpa

Pause. Your vigil cans.

I love you. Thank you so much for coming. I'm sweating. I'm gonna pee my pants. This was a great app.

Henry, wait. Let's pull the dogs up for 1

quick 1. Yes. Come here. Oh, bitch. Okay.

Can I defend the flowers now? Yes. What? I need to defend the flowers now. Oh, did you do this?

I do them every week. They're Okay. 1 of my greatest prizes. Okay. A b.

Let me just tell you. Okay. I'm sorry. Yep. Go ahead.

This week, I went to both Bristol Farms and Ralphs, went twice, bought a pair, still didn't think they looked good enough. Okay.

Okay. I went

back for more. Those pig ones I hate Yep. Are the only ones that I could find, and it's been a journey.

Jordan, let me also defend you.

It's not

the flowers. The vase. The vase is not your fault. No. It's not flowers.

It's it's it's turquoise.

No. She's

in the vase. She paints in the vase.

Alice is like, I really wanna do this.

She went to color me back. Yeah. It was

like your Christmas gift. I'm like, what the fuck is?

Alex was like, I

wanted it to be, like, a color, and Jordan said she's great at vase. That's 1 of the

reason that is the best vase.

I'm just gonna start off with that. We don't take it personally. We are

we

need to get