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Hi, I'm Amy Sedaris, and I feel bullied into being Conan's friend.


Wait a minute. Bullied, bully.


Brand new shoes walking shoes on the. Some and back and we are going to be friends, Shakuntala. Hello, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to another installment of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast. Really?


I've said it many times, but a scam, I think, because it's just an excuse for me to babble like a chimp on meth. And I really do enjoy it. It's been it's been wonderful, I have to say, especially in the last nine months during this period of just shut down. This is a extra nice release for me to come in here and open up my head and really let my worst demons come out and then occasionally insert advertising in there.


Getting away with this. It's been a good outlet for you and a great outlet. I really don't think if we didn't have I still get to do the show and everything, but for some reason I think we didn't have the podcast. I don't know. I don't know what I'd have gone quite mad a long time ago. So now you're looking well, as always.


Thank you. What was that was what was really strange. It was weird. I don't know what that was. OK, well, it's nice to see you, Sunny. You look lovely as always.


Thank you. We see each other all the time now. I think we see each other every day. Yeah. And how's your wonderful husband, Taq?


I don't know if I love that you two are such good pals.


I love talking to Taqi and I share sonas. Husband and I share. Many think we're both fascinated by history, especially World War two history. And of course, he was born in the old Soviet Union and he knows a lot about Russian tanks from World War Two in Russian history. And he and I, I'll talk be talking to you about something work related and I'll hear attack in the background and I'll start yelling until you put him on the phone.


Yes. And then he and I talk about thirty four tanks and how they saved Russia on the on the eastern front in World War Two. Yeah. And sonas pissed you get my worst nightmare.


Well, well, I want to go home to a place that's safe and complain about you. And I think that the closer you get with TAC, the harder it is for me to complain about you because he's always like that. Koenen don't complain. He's he's the best. Right. He's the best. Worst bad. Gallie, how are you.


I'm excited to talk about some ti thirty four tanks. The battle. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. Incredible tank girls keep Amanda away from Conan. Sounds creepy and I think it sounds that was the first thing I was told by human resources.


Yeah but that is funny.


McCurley has a very attractive wife, extremely attractive woman, beautiful and smart and talented. And yet it's so funny because when people would say to Gawley probably early on, just keep her away from Cohn, he would assume it's because I'm a legend, a creep.


Not that I'll corner her and try to make her talk about the superior tank, really the best tank of World War Two that the Soviets managed to make under incredibly difficult circumstances. The thirty four.


She's a Panzner girl, though. You'll find she's really into Panzers. Panties are great. But guess what? You know, they needed a lot of maintenance and the oil froze up and it was synthetic oil. Germans didn't have a huge access to oil. And there there's synthetic oil froze up in the incredible cold on the Russian steps. And that was a huge problem for them.


I had a dime for every time I tried to tell her that.


Yeah, this is why I got men are always saying, just keep your wife away from code, not because I'm a letch or a sexual threat in any way, because I will call them and say, you know, the Germans had to light fires underneath the tiger tank just to heat up the oil, but not the TI. Thirty four. And those were built in improvised factories that had to be on the move.


Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Who knows that much about tanks. Lots of people. But why. What do you mean. I mean I guess like you know what, you know I'm not really right.


It doesn't mean that no one else is. Yes I can go down.


I have weird rabbit holes of knowledge and I always thought people used to say to me, oh, you should go on on on Jeopardy. And I would think, well, I have vast, strange, weird reservoirs of knowledge, but they wouldn't line up with the Jeopardy question, I think unless things lined up perfectly.


People would tune in to me on on Jeopardy and just be stunned, you know, because it'd be things I just didn't. Super obvious things I didn't know. Yeah. You know, and she sold the American flag and I'd be like, oh, I don't understand. You'd start crying on Jeopardy. You should understand. How would you react that way?


I'd like to be really petulant on a game show. I like to go on a game show and just become immediately petulant and undo. People say I've engendered a lot of goodwill out there, I think over the years with with, you know, in show business. But I'd like to undo it with one game show appearance and not even on I mean, Jeopardy! Obviously an amazing game show on a lower tier game show. I'd like to go on.


And just be petulant, rude and a bad loser, come on and do the whole thing. All right, we're going to move on. Move on. Why are we moving on? Take it easy, Koenen. So what did you say? Koenen and then they escorted me off.


I could see you doing that because I think you get very irritated when you get an answer wrong on something like I went to get your driver's test with you and I think you got two answers wrong and you were pissed off, pissed because they really screwed me on one of them.


There was something about you have to look out your window before you take a U-turn, which I don't. I just do what my mom always did, which is cross yourself and then just jam on the accelerator. This is literally and this is not a joke at the house I grew up on, grew up on. I grew up. I lived on top of the house. Oh, my God. I lived on the road. It was a very difficult childhood.


But they just shoved me up through a skylight and said, come on back down when you're ready for college. I grew up at this house that has a very narrow driveway. And the only way out is you have to back out slowly. But sometimes there are other cars parked on the street and it's hard to see. And I swear to God, there's about a ten year period where my mother would throw it in reverse, cross herself and jam on the accelerator with all six of you in there.


Yeah, she figured, look, there's six kids and so we're acting as blood bags. We're really going to absorb the blow. And if they're six and you lose two, you still got four. I remember my mother, she used to tell us in the mornings it would be really dark in the winter in Boston and super freezing cold. And our cars weren't great growing up. They didn't always start. And this is you know, kids today are like, what's he talking about?


No, cars really didn't start in the cold.


You know this Gawley, right? Yeah.


You know, and so we it would be freezing out and we'd all be in the car and my mother would be trying to get it to start and be going, you know, and we'd all be sitting there and we got to go to school and it's freezing out in the car because the heat hasn't come on yet. And then she would say, OK, everyone say a prayer.


And there was some she had a saint that you could invoke for every problem. So there's a saint if you've lost something. Is that Saint Anthony?


Oh, but she had a saint that she told us to pray to if the car wouldn't start. And I'm like, really? And the New Testament, there was a saint. It was worried about some day there'll be internal combustion engines and the car might not start right away because this will be, you know, the early days of automatic ignition. So that's Saint Gerald share.


I don't want to say a prayer to Saint Gerald.


So the car will start and then we would be some ridiculous saint.


You know, our father who art in heaven say no for it. And it would turn over.


The car would start. Oh, wow. That's what kept us invested in religion as I saw it. Wow. That stuff works. I don't know which saint did you know what saint it is.


Saint Christopher, patron saint of the motor car drivers.


Oh no. Yes, yes. I happen to know people that have a Saint Christopher medal and she would say she would say it's Saint Christopher. Yes. Now. But I was thinking I thought he was just officially assigned to cars. That wouldn't start. I don't. But I guess they just decided to take him a blanket car.


Was he like a late add saint, like contemporary saint that had something to do with the car? No, no.


He wasn't some saint that was ordained in Detroit in nineteen seventy seven. Just in time for the the rolling out of the new Pontiac. We got a new Pontiac coming out. Hey Christopher. Come off the line. Yeah. What do you want. We're going to make you a saint. You're the saint of getting cars started. It's all right. What's in it for me. Not much. You have to die.


You have to be dead. We're going to kill you. Wait.


So if a scene already exists and then the new invention happens, they'll be like, OK, give cause to that one. Yes, I think so.


That seems weird. Well, who gets Siri then?


That's a good question. I don't know who gets Siri.


That's a really good question, because now we've even in the last few years, they've added whole swaths of technology. Is it's the restraint you pray to when your website goes down because your Internet's lost or you can't get your Bluetooth connection. They should assign a saint to that. You know, we should do we should contact the Vatican, OK? And I'm I'm being serious. And I think they would take my call because I am I was raised Catholic.


I think I've been a good Catholic. Yeah. We'll talk to the pope. And I think they would get me right to the pope. And I think I would like to ask, what saint are they going to assign to this new technology that's been unveiled? This is important. This is more important than, you know, the pandemic. Yes. Blessing people who might be sick.


Yeah. Holy pontiff, which I think covers the Samsung refrigerator with a television. Yes. These are fair questions. Yeah, I want to be I wish to speak to the Vatican. Matt, would you arrange that, please? I'm on it. OK, that was the sound of someone lying.


We should talk because our next guest is scary, talented. I love her so much.


Yes. She really is one of the most. Potently funny performers I've ever seen, she is just an absolute rarity. I do think people throw the term genius around. I guess when I'm walking by, I don't know. I hear it a lot. Oh, I made it about you.


Just you and me about getting to know. People occasionally use the word genius in comedy, and I think I never buy it. I think it should be reserved for science and great mathematical achievements or musical achievements. But this next guest, I really do think qualifies. She's a hilarious actress and comedian, you know, from such shows as Strangers with Candy, BoJack Horseman, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and her true TV series At Home with Amy Sedaris.


I am thrilled that she is with us today, Amy Sedaris, welcome. So nice is luxurious, you should doing shampoo commercial. You know, I really should just slide my hair right now. Looks like Victoria Principles in 1978 shampoo commercial. I should just be luxuriating in a bag with thick suds in my beautiful silken hair.


Yes, you really should. It looks really pretty. I look pretty.


Don't you know this is a true story. My grandmother lived with us growing up and once she said in front of everybody and I was really embarrassed, she put her hand through my hair and she went, You have a girl's hair.


Oh, a girl should have that hair. It was just my brother's ripped into me like a girl should have that hair. You have a girl's hair that's got to have a girl's hair. She was right. Yeah, I know. But then it got worse because later she saw me coming out of the shower and she said, You have a girl's body.


She did. She said, you have a girl's body. You have a vagina. And I said, I do not. It's just a very small, malformed penis. And she said, no, it's a girl's body. You know, I'm going to tell you, you are one of the funniest human beings. You take my breath away. You're so funny. Wow. Yeah. And and not in a good way. I need to breathe. I, I need oxygen so many times.


But you I remember the first time I saw you and this is the first time I'd seen you perform and it was before I saw you in Strangers with Candy, which I've been yammering about ever since it came out, because I think it's one of the funniest things ever made for any medium. But I saw you before that show. I saw you do a live show and I didn't know what to expect. And you came out and you took a piece of Scotch tape and you taped your nose up.


You have a name for this person.


Well, then it was Piglet. What was your name?


You taped your nose up to like a pig kind of nose, and then you proceeded to shuffle your feet, sort of like Popeye and and you were the foulest speaking, most original character I had ever seen.


I mean, I know that every time you came on my show after that, I would like you to do Piglet if not on the air backstage. Yeah, but I remembered being you know, people talk about I saw you and I was blown away. Well, I've said that many times and I've never meant it.


But you I that just was seared into my brain was one of the funniest fucking characters I think I've experienced in my life. He told me last year I got my pussy motherfucker. But they wrote those and they had such a nice they were hard to memorize because of the flow, the words you fucked me in the ass, turned around and got shit in my pussy and shit. Don't come out for free, motherfucker.


I got bills, every word. But you would also you were kind of shuffling your feet a little bit and it was almost like someone someone in the Lollipop Guild, you know, the way those guys, those guys shuffled their feet and started doing something with your arms while you were doing it. And I don't know my eyes, I couldn't stop laughing. And I think my eyeballs melted and I was just so delighted. And then, of course, when your show came out, Strangers with Candy and I know Stephen Colbert was in that show you had.


Yeah, exactly. Paul Dinello was in it and you just had this terrific cast. You played Jerri Blank and Jerri Blank. It's a podcast. But if you're listening and you're not familiar with Jerri Blank and Strangers with Candy, go look it up. And there's on YouTube 30 different ways that you can watch sections of the show. You play this character that makes this perpetual face. And it's kind of. Yeah, and I I swear to God, four years after watching that show, I'd get up in the middle of the night to pee or something, and then I'd walk over to the mirror and I'd do it.


Jerri Blank face and constantly that's how I entertain myself is by doing Jerri Blank and I would do little like little al-Mutairi being mean every muscle in your face to do that. And that's why my face on my muscles are in my face. And everyone thought, oh, you. Where you think I'm like, no, I'm not. That was a character we put in all our plays. We dated her original names, Mrs. Lexington, so I had to face down and then we kept changing the background, you know, every play we did.


And then we just decided to put her in strangers. So I had to face down for long. I'm like a professional golfer.


Yeah, yeah. And she had he was she was this character that had lived really lived a hard, long life and had a lot of adventures and then goes back to school with kids and puts on a backpack and just tries to blend in. And it's the most absurd. It's got some of my favorite I've talked to Stephen Colbert about this. I mentioned him that one of my favorite pieces of writing is I think your character, Jerri Blank, is in the hospital and she's called like her family.


And then at one point, Kabera and some other people come. They enter the room that year and you're sitting you're lying in bed and they say, we came as soon as we felt like it.


And they said it like, you know, everyone says, I came as soon as I could or I came as soon as I heard we came as soon as we felt like it. And they said it with urgency and real sincerity. And I've when I hear a line like that, it's like to me it's just like a diamond that I just think, oh, my God, that's that's comedy writing at its best.


Rush. No Rush delivered that line, was it?


Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.


This is what I want to talk to you about, because I've known you for a long time. And of course, I've read a lot about you through your brother. Your brother's been on this podcast.


I don't remember doing a lot of family notice. I think it was Otis loved doing your podcast and but he was on the show, on the podcast.


And we've talked about you as well. But you are a very attractive person who physically attractive person and attractive in every way. But you are physically very attractive. And I feel like you've spent most of your life trying not to be. You know, it's so funny because we live in a society where so many people, and especially women, are like contorting themselves to fit this canon of beauty. And you are classically very attractive woman.


And then you're you're constantly and almost I feel like you used to do this to bother your parents. Right. Let's like to get passionate.


Yes, we all did. I don't know what it's about more than, oh, probably hiding behind something, but it's more fun.


It's fun to play that. It's fun to put on a fatty suit or to look ugly.


This is something your brother wrote about again. His name will come to me, but he wrote about you got some money and you spent it rather than putting it in the bank or doing something smart with it. You came into some money through, I think, the TV show, and he spent it on a fat suit, a fatty suit.


But I couldn't afford the whole thing. So I said, OK, just make a bottom for me. That way I could stand behind a counter, a bar, and I would look normal. But the minute I walk around like. It's completely different. So why would you do this? Why did you? My dad's very weight conscious and and it was kind of just I wanted to pull a trick on him and, you know, I could do it to dad again.


And you fall all over it for I mean, he'd fall again for it. But so I went home. I worked on an airplane. I went home. I cleaned out the pantry. And he just could not believe that I gained that much weight. And then he started blaming David, saying it was his fault not just to keep an eye, keep an eye on her.


I mean, I guess I was like three days. It was a long, slow for three days. You wore this suit that was fat just from the waist down.


Yeah, with sweat pants. I went and bought sweat pants that fit over them. They look great on the airplane, on the airplane and everything.


So at any point, did your did your dad finally then want to go to talk to you about your sudden weight gain?


That yelled at me in front of David for three days. I mean, no, he just he couldn't he was so disappointed. He was so disappointed in me that I would put on that much on the put on that much weight. And I milked it. I mean, Damani, you know, do you have any whipped cream?


Can you tell me the story? I mean, I did every day. Do you have. Yeah. Do you have mac and cheese with extra cheese lose. And I kept saying, did I lose it. I don't come off. I'm still young. Oh man. That is really good.


Yeah. And also the way in Strangers with Candy, the makeup job that you did on yourself, you know, you were just over like Jerry Blanc was just so overly tanned and just well, that was me.


I tanned a lot. I mean, I would lay out and stuff, but the only thing she really did was eyelashes took like 20 minutes and then I put nicotine stain on my teeth. But that's it. Some know maybe a little color underneath my eyes, but that's it because, you know, it was enough and then I didn't have tattoos or heroin marks. That's why I wore you know, my character would have those things, but that's why I wore a turtleneck with long sleeves.


So we didn't have to deal with that in any makeup.


Good, good. Who needs that? Who do you mean? Sad. You don't want to look at that.


You know, I suspect and there are certain things I can very much relate to talking with you right now, which is this desire to constantly be playing with who you are. That's something I come from a big family and I was constantly messing around with who I was. I would just try things and then commit to them and do it for a bit. And I remembered for a while just deciding I'm going to have a limp, a bad limp.


My family would all go to church together.


And our grandmother, the one that said I had a girl's hair and body, the the second part was made out sort of anyway, since I've had six operations. But there's a part in Catholic mass where you go up and you get communion.


And for reasons I don't even know, when it was my turn to go up and get communion, I walked all the way down the aisle with a pronounced limp, got my communion, and then limped all the way back.


And my grandmother leaned over to me and she said, Are you lame, boy?


Yes, I said, and because my grandmother was really old, my grandmother was born in like 1890.


And when she was I mean, when she was living with us, I mean, she had lived through people having giant wax mustaches and things like that.


And she she said, Are you lame boy? And I said, just a bit, but I'll be fine. And my brothers are like, What the fuck?


What are you doing? It's just like, I want to be that guy for a while. The guy has got a very pronounced limp. So you were doing this stuff. I mean, you and David, you did like fake shows when you were kids, right?


They did. They cooking shows. We always did plays. We'd go to the convalescent home. My grandmother was and we'd put on shows entertaining old people. We used to say, we're not going, I'm dead.


And yeah, we always did that. A family. And you know, why not?


I got my first wig in third grade. I still have it. It was a fall and I just always looked different. I like you. I always like to be somebody different. It was just more fun to play and pretend. I mean, I still love it. You're still young.


You're obsessed with wigs, right? How many wigs would you say you have?


Maybe thirty wigs now. It could be like thirty five. And then I have a few lace fronts but I would during the pandemic I was walking, Davis said, oh my God, I saw something in a window that I really want. I got what was it? And because I'm not going to tell you, but I made him tell me and it was it was a man's wig and this week shop window. So I decided I'm going to go back tomorrow and get it for him stores.


It just opened up. So I went there. It was rainy. Nice lady. I was kept pointing to the window. She's like what you want. So I went inside and I said, I want to buy that wig for a man in the window. But she. Wasn't it's not a friendly wig shop, they always give me a hard time, but I said I was like, you know, who else is going to walk in here and buy a wig without trying it on?


It wasn't it wasn't cheap. And then I thought, oh, yeah, David would. Anyway, I got it for him. But she kept saying stuff like, Are you on unemployment? And I was like, no, I'm not. She goes, Oh, you must feel comfortable.


Like she was saying stuff like that to me. And I was just like, Lady, I'm spending three hundred fifty dollars on a wig for my brother to fool a five year old girl at the beach.


It's like it's just a nice it's a nice man's wig and dated blonde and the handsome aviator glasses. And so we laughed really hard playing with that wig recently. He just wants to fool this girl who lives at the beach. She's five and he wants to pretend that it's his twin brother, like David's his twin brother.


This guy. And I love you.


Why are you doing this to a five year old?


Because you can go Vesterbro the fun, little better sense of what's right and wrong isn't developed fully yet. OK, I forgot.


Yeah, that's when you want to do it. You pretend like you're somebody else. I'm David's brother. What do you think of David? I don't know. I'm like, you can do all kinds of things.


You guys should have a TV prank show. But the pranks are pranks on two and three year olds. And so they're just great audience. Yeah, they're just real. It's just stuff. And the kids don't even understand the difference between what should have happened in the restaurant and what shouldn't have happened. I have no idea. I sense that this is true of you, that an audience isn't necessary. You seem like a kindred spirit that way that you would be doing some of this stuff if nobody was looking.


Is that true?


Yes, absolutely. You do stuff in the mirror. Yeah, I always did. I love to do stuff in the mirror coming up with funny faces or I think, you know, what was the latest face I made? I think about that. But I need some new faces and new characters on at home with Amy Sedaris. But I like them bringing them alive. Or sometimes it's just a face and that's OK. You don't have anything beyond the face.


You're a very, very visual comedian. And you said something in an interview once that I completely relate to, which is you wanted the work that you did on TV to be funny even if someone couldn't hear the sound. Yes.


I looked over a deaf girl in Chicago. She was five again, me and a five year old. And it changed. It changed everything for me. Like, I was like, oh, you know, everything from now on I'm going to do when I do a show at Second City or anywhere TV, I want to be able I want it to be funny a lot of levels, but physically needs to be funny or visually really interesting. Doesn't matter what's coming out of my mouth.


And I think that's why I work so well with Colbourne Dinello. Is there more the writers and then I could bring it alive physically. The mugging. I had my own thing to it, but that's why it worked well. It's like, you know, say this, but do that with great right. I get a lot of joy.


If I can make if I can make kids laugh or if I can make someone in a foreign country who doesn't know me and doesn't speak English, if I can make them laugh, that's more satisfying to me than saying something like that was witty.


It was a witty thing you said on Charlie Rose before he was canceled.


I get that all the time. You were so witty on precast. So Charlie Rose, Charlie, Charlie Rose.


No audience, no shows are so hard. It's just like, are you kidding me? Like, I don't know how you why wouldn't you want an audience for this? You get so much energy off a live audience. But I always think about shows like that. He's the guy with the suspenders, Larry. Larry King. Larry King. I used to think like, wow, that must be really hard to go in someone's show for a whole hour.


And, you know, it's just the two of you. It's so serious made it won't have a serious conversation with that person. And it's a lot also.


There were times where I'd go on a show like that and the person would have all these books in front of them because they had after me they were going to talk to Solzhenitsyn or some great writer. And I just thought, wow, you had to do a lot of homework. Well, Bill Maher's like that.


He's always holding up a book. And I read your book this week, and I'm like, when did you read how did you you know, he seems like he reads an awful lot, that guy.


I know. I know. He doesn't read.


I don't hold up. Oh, no. OK, OK. I happen to know for a fact he can't read you don't listen to read. He you know, I'm sure he can't comprehend. He can't see that. He can't. Yeah. He's never he was one of those people that's passing. He's able to get by without knowing how to read. And I've been with him at times where I've said like, oh, let's switch to reading there.


And he was like, well, why don't you take a look for yourself.


Why he's not. He's not. He lives. Of course he can read course. What are you writing about? Because I saw him bring home a box of pasta. Sugar with brownies on it, and he told me that he was going to eat these brownies, and I said I said, Bill, they're not pound brownies in that box and there's not a cherry pie in the Cresco candy.


And then he wanted to go to a restaurant where there were pictures on the menu. Yeah, like a Denny's. I was like, this is what you do. And he had a newspaper under his arm. These are all signs of signs. You know, when someone can't read, they go way out of their way to compensate. So that's why he has a show where it's all about. I read your book now. I read a lot and I'm a very I write so now I read quite a bit.


Yeah. Constantly, constantly reading books. You don't see me talk about it because I can read Bill Maher and no offense to him, he does a great show, but he is incapable of reading. He never had any proper schooling and he's overcompensating by talking so much about holding up books he didn't notice half the time he holds them up, they're upside down.


That's true. That's true. In their boxes, they're empty. Maybe you should have Bill on you. Maybe you need to talk to Bill. He seems to be a sore spot.


Well, Bill, I think Bill has been invited on this podcast many times, and we've sent him the directions.


He can't really can't read, can't read them. He always ends up at a gas station just screaming at this guy. Why did I never learn to read? I love that.


Harris Second, you were looking at me like, well, you know, I mean, I know we can, as you say again, but I'm full of shit, Amy. You know that you are full of shit, but with your long flowing hair in here, wear a scarf like, I don't know, I believed you for a second. Wait a second. So wait. I want to ask you, how many kids are in the other seven kids in your family?


There were six of us there. Six kids growing up.


Yeah. And they were all alive still because they I'm told they're all alive.


They're I don't speak to them. Ever since I got successful, I stopped speaking to them. So I told their I my manager says they're they're alive and that they may be well know they're everybody's everybody's doing great. There is. Yeah. Where are you in the six. What number are you.


Well, I have a production company called Middle Child Productions which might tell you I am the CEO doesn't.


So does that third and fourth and middle child really mean that? Don't you ever yell at me.


Like you said, there is a middle child out of six. Sort of.


I mean, I think it's sort of my sister, Kate and I are both the middle. She's the fourth, but I'm the third. So I think I think it's fair for me to say I'm the middle child.


OK, OK, judgment. Are you all tall? No, I think a lot of us are tall. I'm one of the taller ones. I think my brother Justin and I are the tallest. He might actually.


I don't live in California. No, no. I have a sister who lives up in the Bay Area, but everyone else lives probably within like twenty minutes of where I grew up. And where did you grow up?


You know, I didn't commit a crime officer. What is going on to answer the question, OK, where where did you grow up?


I grew up in Brookline, Massachusetts birthplace. OK, parents are alive. Both your parents?


Yes, my parents are alive. You know, whenever my dad answers the phone, he yells, I'm still alive. Yes. That's a good no.


Yeah, my parents are still with us, as they say. Grandmother no longer with us. Yes.


I mean, because she was us, it would mean she was a zombie because she was literally I think she was born in the theater when Lincoln was shot. She was just as old as paint.


Do you think she was your first character? Like, because we our grandmother lived with us, too. Yeah. Greek woman. And I'd say she was my first real character like you would do.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would imitate. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure you imitate your grandmother.


Well I would do. Is my grandmother Modie. Yes. One of my early impressions was of her. She used to vary slightly, slightly, rearrange things to no purpose on the table. So she'd come in muttering to herself and then she would move the salt shaker a quarter of an inch. So I would after she had done that, I would come in and I would slightly move things on the table. And then the other things she would do is she was constantly going, Oh, Moses.


Oh, Moses, yes, Moses. And so it's sounded like something was wrong. But she would say, Oh, no. You say, what? Are you OK? Oh, of course. Yes, I'm fine.


Oh, Moses.


And so she kind of in a sick way, I think, like a lot of older people, they love it when they hear some bad news becoming kind of like, oh, good, something bad happened. Yeah. Yeah. So once I stood up at the top of the stairs and she came by and it was like her, you know, hundred and tenth birthday. And she was going through the front hall and I said, Hey Marty. And she looked up and I went, Happy birthday.


And I jumped off the stairs and pretended to get hurt because I thought she would like that. I think she did. I think she liked it. Oh, Moses, oh, Moses and I went, oh, and then I had a limp for a while, you know. She was one hundred and ten and that was she lived another 60 years. Yeah, she did. She did really well. You know, I'm seeing you now, you're doing all these characters with your brother, you're seeing people, you're studying them.


When you had regular jobs, when you were young, it had to come out when you were working at a job, you know. Were you ever you are a waiter or waitress. Would you ever do that? I did.


I did that. I was a cashier. I love the microphone at Winn-Dixie.


And I got they finally took it away from me because what you do with the microphone, anything know insufficient funds on Terminal five? You know, if somebody you know, if somebody broke something in an aisle, you know, I would make fun of them. I just love performing on that microphone. And then they finally they said I wasn't allowed to use it anymore and they took it off my register.


So you're the only one that didn't get to have at the Winn-Dixie. Then they took it away from you, took it away.


If I needed to make an announcement, I had to ask somebody else to do it for me. And you. You worked at a Red Lobster?


I worked at a Red Lobster, but my manager's name at Winn-Dixie was Mr. Blueberry.


That's not a real name. It's real. No, it's not. Dennis, Dennis. Blueberries. And then I did I worked at Red Lobster. It was all you can eat in the south where I get a dollar. You know, you run your butt off for all you can eat crab legs and stuff and people would give you a dollar. But I liked waitressing. It helped me with timing. It helped me with character stuff. You're memorizing things.


I'm like, I'm curious what people eat. I'm curious what they buy. I just can't get enough of that. I love it.


That seems like the kind of thing that almost you would do now, like in your spare time.


Well, I did it when I was working on strangers. I had a job at Mary's fish camp right after that. But I think I got the feeling let the other waiters didn't really want me there only because I was taking money from them. Like they probably thought, oh, you don't need this money as bad as we know. So you're actually you're getting shifts that we want. So and also I felt like it felt too much like a bit like then people might come by and they see me waitressing.


I hate it. I just wanted a waitress to do it. It's fun to do it when you don't have to do it.


That be great. If someone if someone was giving you a hard time then you could just say, I don't need this and whip off the wig and the makeup. I'm Amy Sedaris and I'm actually you just give me a dollar. I brought you sixty five bowls of crab legs. Yes, I refilled your iced tea fifteen times.


Yes. Shame people. Yeah, they can. French fries.


You're rice, coleslaw or salad. OK, let me ask you a question. Do you have like herpes? That's the question I was going to ask after this. I was going to ask, do you have a lot of sex with people you don't know? And then I was going to ask, do you have herpes? No. The question I was going to ask is, you seem so fearless to me that I wonder if you have a do you do worry?


What if someone's going to think, oh, she's making fun of me? Are you are you one of those people that worries a lot afterwards? Oh, I hope they were OK with what I did.


I was always worried about hurting someone's feelings. Maybe too much. Are you sort of more of a sociopath? Would you say?


I'm more of a sociopath? I people will read it wrong. I mean, if they know you and then I'm always forget, like, oh, they don't know me. They don't know that I'm joking. Like, I was recently doing something that dishes that even before the pandemic and I was selling I was selling some lighters that I made. I cover lighters and and they they gave me a girl to you know, they said, you know, this girl, Mary, whatever her name will sell them for you.


But I like I might be mean as a joke. I like mean people. It's fun to play. I mean, it's so much fun. And I was playing mean with her and she laughed. She was very upset. And I was like, I was just joking. I mean, you know, just how could she not always joke? And I would never be that mean to somebody. But, you know, I feel bad. I do.


I felt bad that she was upset enough to leave.


I think that especially if you do if you are worried about how people feel about you, it makes playing mean that much more fun because you get to try it on, you know what I mean?


You get to yeah, you have to you have to be a dick about it. You have to commit to it. And especially if you're in an elevator with somebody. I like doing that. Like if I'm the elevator with David, I know I got nineteen floors. I'm going to bring up something, you know, like why don't you want to see why don't you want to see your adopted the daughter that you adopted. Mean you know say something about Morocco.


I'm like David Healy. Take it somewhere darker. Like she's like a hospital too doped up to her. And I'm like fuck I can't believe you took it there. And then it's like, you know, you got to keep it going. But I love that so much.


So you will say you get on the elevator door, it shuts, and then you're in there with other people and you will say, David, I just don't understand why you're not seeing your adopted daughter. It's really you really should see her. You should spend time with her. She loves you and you can't.


She's in the hospital and with the tubes and the doctor. And I'm like, oh, shit. You just, you know, then it's heartbreaking and horrible. But then you'll go with it, right? I will, absolutely, I would never yeah, you have to. You have to. You'll say she's calling for you. She's been calling for you for days.


Or I'll say, well, they're allowed visitors now and the tubes look scary, but they're not scary, you know?


I don't know. I'm just trying to it's like, oh, I feel wiped out by the time we get to the lobby.


One thing you and I might have in common is if you added up the hours and hours and hours and hours of our lives, thousands of hours that we spent saying foolishness. And we're not moving the puzzle piece of civilization forward in any way where I can't I can't say that we're accomplishing anything.


Right. Yeah, you know, you're right. But we're laughing and we're making other people laugh and you can't be. That is queer as that sounds, right.


No, no, it's it's not something. No, it's good. And we're in the moment because we're playing in I love it's always fun to be in the moment always when you're right there, it's like you feel so alive.


And I just I prefer that your show at home with Amy Sedaris is hilarious. It's three seasons now, three seasons.


One of the things that makes this show really hum and really work is that you're obviously very funny, but you aren't condescending about homemaking or homemaking show. That's clearly something you're very passionate about. And that comes out, I think, that that fuels and informs a lot of the comedy on the show. And it's what really makes you so good.


Oh, that's nice. Yeah, I do care about that kind of stuff. But then you also want to go for the laugh and then you're like, oh, forget about it, you know what I mean? But this is another good example. Visually, I love looking at the show. I like the I Dream of Jeannie feeling. The show has, you know, it's all on set. It's a nice little group of people. We have so much fun in real life.


You like cleaning your home. You enjoy it. I love cooking. I like cleaning. Yes, I do. I'm like, I want to bring back Heysel and be a good Heysel. I do. I like running the household.


Are you someone who gets upset if you're over at someone else's house and you can tell it's not tidy or that things are not as they should?


I don't get upset. I get like a more obsessed. I'm like, oh, well, that's I can't believe that that you don't make your bed when you wake up and not in a judgmental way. I really love to go to other people's houses and see what they do when they don't do. I'm Pretty says a lot about them.


Do you go through their cabinets? Yes. You go through their medicine cabinets? Yes. Do you ever take things you shouldn't take? Yes.


And I'll go home and I'll take a picture of it. I'll say this is what I took from your house. I'll bring it back. I'll bring it back next on the commode.


Yeah, but it'll be do it in some stores too. They don't have cameras. You like to take something every now and then. Do you ever see stuff? Do you ever do this. Yeah I see that from and then I'll, I'll send him a picture and say this is what I took from your store today. I'm just letting you know because your cashier should call this.


You know, I don't think it's stealing if you send them a picture of it afterwards. I honestly don't.


Well, I, I don't steal it that I don't steal in real life, but I steal for I, I steal and let them know that I took something.


OK. OK, yeah. So you don't call it stealing. No. What would you call it.


Well you're, you're testing the perimeter of their security.


Yeah. That's what you're doing. Yeah I like that. That's right. That's all I'm doing. Yeah.


Testing the Rolex store to make sure soda as admitted on this podcast that she used to steal regularly.


I did. I did. I was when means to like a week ago or you mean the more a child. I would say the last thing I stole is maybe eight years ago. OK, would you steal. I stole a headband from Urban Outfitters and I wore it out of the store and I passed several workers and it was like it was just a rush to know that I was stealing it and they were watching me steal.


It went on. I was just trying to relive it. I just saw that. I have to say, I kind of know what you're talking about, that I've had that with grave robbing.


It's just a feeling. It's the feeling of like the caretaker isn't here. I've got a shovel. I start going. I know. I think I'm going to get cop and then I get six feet down. I hit the wood, come out. Yet when people some people came by and they think I work here and you open it up and you don't know what you're going to get, you know what I mean? And then you get you get a tie clip and it's like this is a decent tie clip, crave grace, whatever.


It's a thrill. Wait a minute. It's the same the same thing, whether it's a headband at Urban Outfitters or me digging up a grave in Newton, Massachusetts. You know, it's the same feeling and thrill of doing something. So, gosh darn, I'm. As usual, I read that into our bodies ourselves when we had to prepare and do monologues to get a job, I would memorize something from our bodies ourselves and there was one in there called Remine.


And then this lady was like the thrill of putting something small in your anus during lovemaking, the thrill of doing something so gosh darn unusual. She said that that was her that was her little monologue. And I would I would memorize these things and would I never got the part. But that was a big surprise when you rather hear that than something from the effect of gamma rays. Amama Marigold's for the 19th time.


I know. So you'd go in there and you'd say, yeah. You ever add anything to it like it was a stapler or get a little more specific?


No, I know I would stick to it, memorize it word for word. That's what I should be doing all this down time. We have go back to that book. It's hilarious.


Our bodies are you know, I just like it. You know, it's just a fun book to pick up and read, read things about people's relationships, dryness. It's just fun.


I guess that's a real issue for some people, you know, I don't know. I'm very uncomfortable right now. Oh, I'm terrible with anything vaguely sexual. OK. I don't even know I don't even know if dryness is sexual. I don't know. All right. Sexual Israeli. Absolutely. And that's something I have encountered. Sorry, but these are pretty happy to see this guy come down the pike. I'll tell you that much right now. Listen, I don't know what the fuck just happened.


This is awful. This is awful. And you know what? It's your fault, Amy Sedaris. It's your fault because you don't have barriers. And then I lower my barriers. OK, this is all you that did.


Well, I just want to thank you so much for gabbing with me. I, I swear to God, I you are breathtakingly funny and so talented. And you've been one of the people I've really wanted to talk to on the podcast. And I also want to talk to you in person when we're allowed to do that. I can't wait to see you.


And really, I'm honored to be your friend. And I want to thank you for putting me on your list. It was fun talking to you. I look forward to it.


You seem very dismissive at the end. You're like, well, I was here. I didn't be like, oh, I don't want to do this today. I never had that feeling. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, that's a really nice thing. It's true. That's true.


So I think some people do have that feeling about me. Yeah, I think you had that feeling about talking to me. Urban was like, what him the American, you know? And then he was like, all right, I guess I'm in Australia. And Nicole Kidman was probably like, wait, you're talking to him, but why are you getting paid? I'm not getting paid. I'm just going to you know, because I know if that's if, you know, worst accent ever.


I think my accents are really good throw and not yours. That country's accent.


Oh, thank you. Glad we were clear about that. Australia's socks. He was born in New Zealand. Anyway, I just like to show throw in how smart I am about places. Ah, Amy, thank you so much.


Thanks for seeing such things. Well I see. I'll see you when all this is over. Yes.


And it's going to be over soon because I'm working on a cure. Oh yeah. OK, you should go in the kitchen and whip up a Kovik here. I bet you could do it.


David always tells people in the stores that he's a doctor and he works hard. He works on children's eyes. He replaces their eyes with buttons. He replaces their eyes and buttons. And I'm like, what are you fucking talking about? Especially if he knows in another language, I go, What did you just tell that? Lady said, I was a doctor and I operate in children's eyes and I replace them with buttons.


Well, now I got to get David Sedaris on the show to talk to him about that. So I'm doing a lot of Sedaris family counseling here. All right. Thank you so much for you. And I hope I see you real soon. OK, Baconian. All right, it's time to meet the first of our golden ticket winners, this is very exciting because a while back we did a contest on television, on social media or on the podcast.


You could win a chance to be a guest on this show. And it turns out today we have our first guest. Are you guys excited? This is exciting.


Is it someone who won by hearing the special announcement on the podcast or on the television show? On the television show?


Oh, announcement. You know, you still don't know how it worked. No, I don't know how. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know how it worked. It was you just what did you hear? What is this person here when they were watching television?


Well, on the podcast. So I don't know what they saw on television.


I don't really work there. So you don't know how it works and you're giving me shit. I don't know how this happened, but this person is here and this person's name is Bailey. She's from Santa Monica. And we'll bring her in right now. Hi, Bailey.


Hi. Hey, Bailey. How are you? I'm good. How are you? We're really we're really doing well. I guess I'm in the awkward position of saying congratulations. You get to talk to us, man. Did we set the bar low? This is not Oprah. There's no Lexus with a bow on it waiting for you downstairs. It's just us. But we're thrilled to get to talk to you. Thanks for for participating.


Yeah, of course. I mean, I was wondering how much of the golden ticket aspect was going to be part of this, because I am still in my house, like I haven't gone anywhere. You didn't send me any chocolate. I don't seem to be getting anything except this conversation.


I know what so far. You are a perfect cone. In fact, you are sardonic, not impressed. Yeah, I totally yes. This is on point for all my fans. Trust me, I haven't talked to my people, but I'm sure there's so much more involved than just getting to chat with us on this is are you sure this is this is all you know, we'll send her some chocolates.


What, some chocolate. We don't even. You don't make chocolate. No ice cream from CBS and then put those in his name. Yes, exactly. Exactly. It'll say 80 percent cocoa on the back. There you go. I'll go to Costco, OK? And then I try and find a really old used car.


What was just a really a car that's not safe. But with the budget, I'll talk to you afterwards. Less than fifty dollars.


Less than one hundred and fifty dollars. Yeah. OK, listen, your life's going to change in so many ways. First of all, the conversation should really be about you. You're in Santa Monica. Yes. I tell us a little bit about yourself. You you listen to the podcast.


Yes, I do listen to the podcast. But it's actually my the last thing I know you from.


Obviously, it's nice to know you saw me first as a model in the nineteen eighties. Definitely a model part of my life forever that way. Hair model. Clothing model. Yeah. Bailey, what are you doing. Let's say I got to start high and then we'll just go down. I don't think you know how this works here Matt. You know how this works. You're still the same ash. I know what's going on here.


So. So you live in Santa Monica? Yes, I do. I walk around Santa Monica. Do you ever see what looks like a tall English woman walking around? Maybe sometimes with a golden retriever?


No, I don't. But I will definitely keep an eye out for that woman. She seems lovely. Yeah.


Yeah, I am. During the pandemic, I've been going on these epic walks. I took a nine mile walk last week and I went all through Santa Monica and I can be identified because I'm wearing a Crocodile Dundee hat with the little teeth that I picked up in Australia. That's my claim to fame. That's all I got. So if you if you see me come over and say hi and stay within six feet, I, I definitely will. I mean, that hat is actually where I know you first from.


If I'm going to be totally honest, Bailey, do you know what to yell if you see Koenen out in the wild, you know what you're supposed to yell at him.


I actually don't. I mean I assume hey you is kind of a good start. Hey you is fine. Yeah. No, it's Kanichi as God made her. Yeah. But please, you know let me just write this down.


God. Well I can tell you're just beside yourself with delight in glee. Yeah. It's hard for you to hold it together. You haven't made sense since you got on. You just keep crying.


It's yeah. It's I'm hysterical right now.


I like Bailey. I know you want to join the show. I know you are.


You should just you should just you are you are the perfect antidote in our world. This is exactly who a contest winner should be. Yeah. And someone who is like, well, I was going to maybe go to Whole Foods. Yeah. Pick up a rutabaga or I could talk to Koenen. I guess the rutabaga can wait a bit. Yeah. And also this is it. So I'm just talking to you.


Yeah. Yeah. I know you're going to get some chocolates, right. Some chocolates for Billy. OK, this is on the record, I expect this now. Yeah, you don't think I'm good for some chocolates? I didn't say they'd be very good. You guys just got robbed.


I have no idea what you're good for. I know. I know.


We did get robbed. Our studio got robbed. We were at the Largo Theater there. You've been to the Largo Theater.


I've been several times for music and comedy. Yes. I love it there. It's a fantastic theater, expertly run by Flanby, as we all call him. Mr. Flanagan. Yeah. Apparently, there's no security there. And and I said, how did the burglar get in? Because the burglar took some of our equipment, the robber. And I said, how do they get in?


And he was like, it was one of seven ways. And basically he just started pushing on pieces of the wall that kind of fell apart. So very easy to break in. They're just putting that out there. They just walked in. I think they just walked in and took some equipment and left time to go through everything.


They checked out all of your stuff. They were like, this is it uses it. See, Oprah gives away a Lexus. And if you break into her studio, there's so much you can take. Yeah. Koenen you get to chat with him and there's really not much there in the studio. So tell me, what do you do Bailey. Tell me about yourself.


So I'm a writer, editor, producer, one of those amazing types of people where you say you're a storyteller, like one of those things where you hear it at a party and you're like, oh I hate that person, that's me. Oh don't be.


Now I know why you're my fan, because your self hating, self deprecating is one of my favorites. Well, well, no, you sound very talented.


You really do know you're you're putting yourself down. But how do you how do you use these skills? Do you work in the entertainment business, in advertising? Do you do. Yeah.


So basically I started as a music journalist. That's kind of was something that I was really interested in. And sure, it's kind of turned into an arts and culture writer. I've been a magazine editor. I do documentaries now. Yeah.


Wow. Where are you from originally? Did you grow up in Santa Monica or you know and Matt knows this.


I take this very seriously. I grew up in Van Nuys Valley forever Valley Girl Valley Girl over here. So, yeah, if it's not one hundred and ten degrees, it's not how to.


Yeah, right, exactly.


If you're if your house is surrounded by four count them four strip malls or mini marts.


Yes. Yes. It's not a home. It's not a home. I need to go to walk to a 7-Eleven in either direction.


Yeah, I definitely have to. On Seven-Eleven day. That's where I kind of like I make my route. I'm still very upset at them for the one year they gave the little cups. I don't know if any of you are into free things as much as I am, as you can tell by me entering and winning contests like this. Yeah, for nothing you can do nothing. But, you know, eleven usually they give you like the normal cup and this time they will.


Bailey, I am I am very impressed with you. I really am. I really am. You seem like a very funny and witty and cool person. You'd be the person in stone to back me up on this. I would be talking to Bailey a lot at the party. Yes. To the exclusion of other people. And we would both be trying to out self deprecate the other. Yes. And then afterwards I'd be like, I really like Bailey.


Bailey seemed cool. Yeah. Yeah, I would. Yeah, I appreciate that.


I mean, I think it's probably the Irish Catholic Boston heritage in us both.


How do you think you have heritage and back in Boston, do you think? Well, my dad's from Andover.


Oh, God. Oh no. Yes, it runs it just it's in the blood. Yeah.


Yeah, we well just one up each other by going down on like how bad we are as people who might be related.


Probably. Oh yeah, probably. Are you probably my third cousin. Which makes your win illegal by the way. Oh yeah. I think chocolate's sympathy for stealing. Yes. What I'm sending out of my own money if your salary. Seona. Oh wait. What's sending Bailey some chocolates as I want to. I'm serious about this. I'm going to do this so we'll find out. Bailey, your address and we will get you these chocolates. I'm just I'm proud and proud to have you as a what appears to be casual fan.


But I'll take it.


You know, I'm going to be honest. I was wondering, like after I got off the pre interview with Matt and Erin, I was I was very much like either they liked me or they really didn't because I was insulting Matt. I didn't really seem that intrigued. I don't know, like, I love you. You guys are great, Seona. Especially love you. We're losing the signal, they're bailing out of time, you know, Bailey, you are great and no, you're exactly you're exactly who I love is a fan in that you barely tolerate me.


That is my conception of a of a perfect fan. So thank you for being a cool, smart person out in the world and for liking the nonsense that we make. And I am sending you chocolates. Yep. And you better like them because they were not part of the contest and I resent you for it.


Excellent. Thank you very. Yes of course. Bailey, take care. Have a good day. Bailey. By this thing. I don't like it. How do I get out of this place. All right. By mistake. That is a huge mistake. Oh, God. He was as bad as I thought he. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's it. We just talked. Well, I love Bailey. No chance of me getting a swelled head around Bailey now.


Right fit right in. She could work for me right now. Yeah.


Just very in a very cool, unimpressed and not afraid to to flip me some shit love. Bailey and I do want to thank State Farm for making this golden ticket meet a fan event possible. They've done a great job for us. When you want a real deal like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.


Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sunim Obsession and Conan O'Brien has himself produced by me, Matt Cawley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Collin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Airwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental Music by Jimmy Luisito. Our supervising producer is Aaron Belayer and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcast and you might find your review featured on a future episode.


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