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Hi, everyone, my name hi, my name is Colin Quinn.
And I feel euphoric about being on the brains, about being on our brains, friend.
OK, you did that as badly as it could be done. Back to school. Ring the bell. Brand new shoes walking on the. Some come back and we are going to be friends, shocking to me. Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien, needs a friend so far, I think this is my most professional intro, didn't sound good. It was really good. That was really good of you. I didn't sound like a kid who had accidentally picked up the phone while his father was talking.
Yeah, your voice is sounding very deep right now. Yeah, I think it's unbecoming somehow during this pandemic. More masculine. I don't know why your body is changing. My body is changing.
You know what you're becoming you're becoming a venerable broadcaster. Well, that's very nice of you to say. I think it has more to do with I have very long hair. I don't know why that would make me more masculine, but a lot of people are saying that I look like a sort of a surfer guy. Yeah. And I think I'm starting to take on the attitude of a surfer guy. Are you going to surf? No. Oh, God, no.
No, because that's something that involves going outside. I looked into it and you have to go outside and be exposed to sunlight, to surf. And then I so then I said had to rule it out. So you'll take on the persona, but you won't do the actual. Of course. OK, ok. That's my whole life. Yes. Oh yes. Is there a word for it. Good. I'm that I'm a poser. Yeah.
My whole life I've taken on attitudes without having anything to back it up and I'm proud of that. This proposal is a good thing. Right. That's something to say. It gets, it just commands respect. Yes, that's me. I'm a poser. And this is my podcast. And I'm here, of course, with my assistance. Sort of obsessed, you can see. Yes. Hi, good to see you. You and I are in the studio together.
We've both been tested. Yes. I was careful all weekend. I hope you were as well. Yes. OK, well, I. Yes, you don't. Sometimes I'm not I'm never sure. The fact that I keep getting tested negative is it's a miracle because I see my family a lot. Why are you in the studio with. I don't know. That's the this is part of who we are. We're six feet apart. We are just faced the other way.
Face the wall as if you're being punished. OK, Mack-Cali, how are you?
Oh, I've never been happier to be here in my own system.
That's right. You are smart enough to broadcast from your home. Lovely home by the way. I've seen it gorgeously appointed. You and your wife have very nice taste. I will say that you. That's nice of you. Yeah. There's no don't act like there's another shoe to drop. There's only ever been another shoe dropping. Maybe this will be the first time it doesn't. Let's see. I think you have a beautiful, lovely wife, a beautiful home, and I think you're a man of taste and distinction.
Oh no. He froze. I'm just frozen fear. No, no. Why did you freeze? You know what? He's not. Oh, he's fine. Yeah, I think I just froze like a deer in headlights waiting to be insulted. Anyway, I'm just curious if you're enjoying the fame that the podcast has brought you. Seona, you were someone who was not in the bright white light of show business, a light that some say I've thrived in, like some say I've been incinerated by.
But you are getting recognized. Is that true? You know, yes. OK, so I will say I have that type of like you look familiar kind of thing about me happening to you now. Yes. But there's this thing that happened recently that I was hesitant to talk about because it is kind of gross. But I talked about my sister on this podcast, so I'll just talk about this, too. I you did bring up you have many cysts, is that right?
We talked about me removing my cyst. Right. And then to multiple cyst. Yes. Cup to your body, cranks out cysts. Relax. It's just two of them. It's just two. You're a cyst farm. OK, multiple more than one. OK, you can talk about my skin. What's wrong with my skin? You have to get checked by a dermatologist like every four weeks. Guys, we got podcasts. We actually recording right now this podcast.
Anyway, I sleep in a coffin. I can't do this. This is I have to tell this to let me tell a story. OK, so I just make her OK podcast I oh my God, I have a toenail fungus. Oh God. I know you didn't want to do this on the Michelle Obama episode. Yeah, I know. I do want to talk about the nail fungus. They're listening. It's very common. A lot of people have it.
I am not a freak. Stop it. OK, so I have this anyway. So I order this medication and it comes in a box and I open the box and there's all these fun goodies in there that I didn't order along with the medication. And then I pull out the packing slip and behind it someone wrote Love the podcast. This is like when I went to the urologist and he knew me from the podcast, not from the it was not from your urethra.
I blame you first of all. Yeah. You have told everyone in the world I live in Altadena. So the guy was like, oh, of obsessing. And she lives in Altadena. Right. This must be her toe fungus medication. Let me let me tell her how much. So how did that feel in that moment? Here you are. You're opening up a very this is a very private matter, you and your toe fungus, which is, you know, it's just coming on the heels of these various systems being removed.
I hate this. You can start using an assumed name. Do you think you'd ever do that? No. You know, when I buy stuff online, I'm she's bitly. OK, well, now everyone knows that you're shit. I shouldn't have said this. And it goes to a P.O. box, but it says she's Bitly attorney at law and then my P.O. Box, and that's where I get my various sexual toys. I can't believe that I'm the only one on this podcast who's had a toe fungus.
I've had cysts removed. One of my favorites. Why on your fortieth birthday, what was this? I had it like at its worst on my fortieth birthday, and it was inside my lip and it made me look like I'd had plastic surgery, like bad plastic surgery. And then they took it out and there was a hole like a pocket in my lip and they stuffed that hole full of gauze. And for like three days, I had to had a wad of gauze inside my lip, not behind my lip, but inside my lip.
I remember it's a true story. I remember I had wisdom tooth out very late, late 30s or something. This is like five or six or seven years into doing the late night show. And I'll never forget this. They yank it out. So there was this whole there was some nerves on the bone that were like a little expose and they said it's very sensitive. So which you have to do is we're going to give you the medical implements, the little tweezers.
You have to take this little bit of cotton gauze, dip it in this numbing medication, and then drop it down the hole using the little thing and then go on the air and do your TV show. OK, the problem is I can't see back there to do it. And they said you should just get someone to do it for you. I got Andy Richter. So Andy Richter. This is true before every show for at least three weeks, it would be like the band would be playing with up bap bap bap in the audience is clapping along that, that, that, that.
And I would sit down and go like, oh, Andy and Andy would come in because he kindly is very nice guy. He's very steady hands he'd like open up. So I'd open up my mouth and he did the thing in guys and reach back there and drop a little cotton anesthetizing grenades down this hole and it would hit the bone and suddenly I wouldn't be in pain anymore. And I'd be like, Thanks Andy, be like, no problem, show time.
And then I'm going to go, Hey, everybody, we like and we do a show and my next guest, Elton John. And no one had any idea that Andy had just performed oral surgery on me backstage. Well, now we've lost every listener, every single one. Sorry, but I just think that's fascinating. It was like in Star Wars and the first Star Wars movie when Luke has to shoot that thing and has to go right down that hole to blow up the Death Star, that's when you exhaust port.
Oh, Lord. Well, yes, yes. Maybe we said too much. Yes. Or maybe we haven't said enough. But you said that you had this thing removed on your birthday, your fortieth birthday. Yeah, I don't remember which birthday it was, but I was all by myself. It was my birthday and I was trying to close this garage door in Connecticut and I closed it. And the garage door where the folks are, it pinched my finger and kind of crushed the tip of it.
And I was like. And I jumped in my car and I drove to the New Milford Hospital, which was about half an hour away, holding my hand out the window in the air, and I was on my own, not the best period of my life during this time. I drove to the hospital and I came in and I'm holding my hand in the air. And the nurse, I'm sitting there and the nurse said, What's your name?
And I, Conan O'Brien. And she goes, OK, and what's your address? I said, my address. And she said, date of birth.
And I said, to day, Oh, no. Oh. And I said, just like that today. Happy birthday to me. And I remember we just exchanged to look for second. And it was like, all right. Well, anyway, we got to we got to get to the show. We got a lot to. Yes, please let. So just to review cystic toe fungus. Now you think I have ugly skin. Come on.
It's not ugly. God made me and God doesn't make junk. Did your mom say that every day, which made me sick. Suspected something was wrong. God made you and God doesn't make junk. Why do you say that every day? I mean, he clearly couldn't have meant this. What? Mom, you said this yesterday. And what I mean, why would he make something intentionally so warped, so fiendish with mottled skin, orange hair and two dead front teeth because you fell in the driveway and we never fixed it?
OK, well, can we just change the topic? I mean, God wouldn't do this. This wouldn't be part of God's plan. Can we just talk about anything else? I won the spelling bee today. Well, God made you I assume unless you're the devil's work, you're sent here as some kind of vengeance upon mankind and God's good works. I don't like this.
All right. Sorry. I think you had a breakthrough. I think I had I just had a real breakthrough here. And I don't I just want to say to my therapist, screw you. Who needs you? I just need a microphone and a laughing assistant and we're good. Hey, I'm excited. My guest today is a very funny comedian, actor and writer. I've known him forever. He was a cast member on Saturday Night Live and host of Weekend Update.
He now has a new book. It's very good Overstated. A coast to coast roast of the 50 states.
Colin Quinn, welcome, Colin. You don't know the name of the podcast you keep. You said euphoric, but you looked you look like you had just lost a loved one. Do you know the name of the podcast? Three questions. No, this is just this is the hardest. I've heard St. Olaf in a long time. Right. You are. This is as if we tried an experiment where we got an eight and we tried to see if we could get it to set up audio.
And then I the. Well, let's go. OK, let's move on, Colin. Yes. You should feel euphoric. Oh, my friend. You should. You should. I believe I know how much respect you have for me. I can tell by the way you're prepared for this podcast because you were prepared to do on a flip phone. No, you know I love you. You know, I love you. Call it. And I always have.
You know, I feel the same way. Clearly, you have that dead look in your eye, two Irish guys telling each other they love one another. Yeah. And the most unconvincing way. Colin. Yes, please. Let's start at the beginning because there's so much to talk about. OK, you have a book that you've written. I really love Colin Quinn. And it's a coast to coast roast of the 50 states. Overstated, it's called.
And so many comics dash off books. They just dash them off and they make a quick buck. And there are so many good ideas in this book and so many witty observations. And I'm a big fan of good comedy writing and this book is spectacular. So I congratulate you on your book. Did you really read the book?
Yeah, thank you. You know what I wish I had said now? No, I do know because I'm shocked because most comedians they don't beat. Right. That's true. That's true. Most comedians do not read. I will maintain a good chunk of comedians can't read. I would have to agree with you on that. But you've always been a terrific writer. So I was. Well, don't you feel that the Irish people, you know, not to give us a pat on the back, but we are kind of known for that.
Yeah, we are. We're good writers. You got your choice. Sure. You know, you got your yates' your your your Frank O'Connor. Yeah. You got your Seamus Heaney. You got your Flannery O'Connor. She's American. But, you know, I'm trying to. Oh, I know my Flanary. OK, I know what you mean. If we're if we're going to just start listing, Irish writers will be here. We'll be here for six days.
So I don't think we should do move along. What's next? Well, I'm going to say this is what's let's start on this because we're talking about it. You seem like you're proud to be Irish. I'm not sure I am, really. I I've always been wary about my one hundred percent Irish heritage.
Well, I'll tell you, I'll quote a friend of mine named Tom Kelly. You might know him, a writer. And one time Tom, who's sitting with me. And I would say, you know, I wish people of Boston, I go, they just like us. They're witty and they're smart. I was comedy. I was Tom was a little bit tipsy. And he goes like this. Even in that stage, he stops because he worked in Boston on the big day for two years.
And he as well, they're not like us. They're witty and they're smart, but they're mean. Yes. And that's the difference. That's probably why I have some ambivalence about your Irish. This is Boston Irish. They're a little bit cockier because you guys are the majority up there. Down here in New York, we have two people own self-contained little community. Yes.
Yes. You had to get along more than the Boston Irish who walked around like they own the place. PowerCore up. They did all the place. You could say they still own the place. You think they should own the place. You know what? We wouldn't we wouldn't keep up the payments is the problem if we did own the place.
New Hampshire, too. Yeah. And you left that little rat hole, that little social club to the south, Rhode Island. You left that.
The time I maintain the worst accent in the world is the Cranston accent. And people talk about the Boston accent. And I was once driving along at night. I was headed to a wedding. And this is a couple of years into my talk show. And I stopped off in Cranston, Rhode Island, to refill my car with gas. And this woman, who was wearing all acid wash, stepped out of her car. And I was wearing a hat and I could tell that she recognized me.
And she pointed at me and she said at high school, I yeah, yeah. And I'm like, oh, my God. To be discovered and found out and accused by a pirate at two o'clock in the morning at an ampm. Listen to this. This is this is a great line that I loved. And I am an admirer of your writing. And there's so many beautiful lines. And I was underlining a bunch of. This book and here you are talking about Massachusetts used to be the pride of Massachusetts, where all those charming colonial era towns like Lexington and Concord and the house of Seven Gables, now it's getting the finger on 90 by a fat landscaper in a scaley cap and a Dropkick Murphys foody.
I love it. I absolutely love it. I love it. And I love the imagery of it. And that's something I think from all my wariness of being Irish, I think something the Irish do better than ever is a concise image that knocks you over like that is an image. I can see that person in the scaley cap and the Dropkick Murphy's hoodie giving me the finger on the mass pike. I can see it. It's happened. I know that guy and that guy.
And that guy knows my brother Luke, so I know exactly what's going on. Yeah, I think it's I think it's true. I think I have some ambivalence about being Irish because, you know, we've got we've got plenty of our flaws and so on. Like St. Patrick's Day. I was never the guy that was like, hey, I'm Irish, kiss me, I'm Irish, yay Irish. I would go the other way almost. I would pretend to be Cuban just to get through the day.
I don't know how to say, well, you know, sort of like Desi Arnaz, Cuban, you know, sophisticated bandleader. It's true. Cubans have the Desi Arnaz in particular has the opposite skin tone is us.
We do don't the very time the most beautiful people in the world up until the age of 13, you don't.
Patrice O'Neal, who is not Irish, despite the name. Yeah. He once said that because you Irish people, he goes you're just age horribly, but you'll live forever. Yes. I have talked about this a lot. I've noticed it. I forget where I was. I was someplace and I was in the woods and I noticed this tree that it just completely crumbled over. And someone who knows a lot about trees was listening. They said, yeah, that's a yeah, that's a I forget what if it was a poplar tree?
He said they're junk trees. And I said, what do you mean? He said, they grow up real quick. They grow real fast, they look good, and then they just dry out and fall apart and muck up the yard and just end up in a heap of shitty wood. And I remember saying, that's the Irish. We you know, and you're exactly right. Young Irish people are so gorgeous. And and all of my nephews and nieces are such beautiful and they all look like little kids that puts on little suits and got on the Titanic, you know, and it's all going to go around.
They're so good looking, you know, cuts to them being pulled out of the frozen ocean. Oh, my God. But I'm sorry, but they look great. They look fantastic. And then we all start to that's why I was always in such a hurry in my TV career. I thought, I've got to get going fast because my face when I was thirty or my late twenties, I had sharp cheekbones and this shock of hair and in the right light I kind of cleaned up OK.
And I thought I got to move fast because this face is going to get fat and red and my body's going to start to fall apart and I'm going to live a long time but look awful and I've got to make it now and that that it's fueled me. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yes, I do. But look, you have Yates who writes about getting old better than a guy like Yates. Well, you know what Yates did as he got older?
No, I believe this isn't just some wives tale, but I think it's a true story about Yates that late in life he wanted to rejuvenate his sexual abilities. So he went in for some kind of weird surgery where they, like, put a monkey gland down near his private areas. I'm not kidding. I think Yates was into that. And if I'm wrong, may I be sued by the AIDS Foundation? I believe Yates was into that. Someone can look it up if they want, but I think he was mucking around.
Wait a minute. You're you're literally sitting here saying one of the great turn of the century, I wish psychics, writers had work done like he's one of the Kardashians. Yes.
And not even work that was going to help him here better, but would help him function in the bedroom, which is something no Irish person cares about. We're not known for like living Irish guys aren't like, you know, us. We're known for really pleasuring a woman for a long, long time. We're not physical. We're psychological people. Mental. Yes. We give women orgasms by bitterly complaining about our childhoods in a kind of witty way. Exactly.
Oh, wait, there's a note coming in exams. Yes. Check this out. This is in real time. The talk exaggerated was not far from the bizarre truth, Yates, approaching old age with determined reluctance, had signed up at the clinic of a London sexologist. There, he learned of a long sequence of scientific research by the medical profession begun with a French doctor injected himself with an extract taken from the testicles of guinea pigs and dogs. So there's your great Irish poet.
You just I was going to say thank you for ruining it for me. Yeah. Just because he wanted to get off six more times in his life, he jammed a rat up his ass. Man, there's a great man. Devastated, but go on. All right. Well, listen, I. I want to get back to your book, but I want to talk to you a little bit first. Our paths have crossed many times over the years.
You you worked at Night Live. We weren't working live at the same time. I was over doing The Late Night Show. You were writing it Saturday Night Live and then you were doing Weekend Update for a while. Right. And you know that you're adored. Everyone in comedy just adores you. You're and then there's this term that follows you around the comics comic. Who how do you feel about that? You're the comics comic. I feel very good about that because first of all, I have no choice.
I left up to the audience.
I want to talk to death in the night, but also from day one. When I started comedy, I would bomb every night and the comedians would come in and watch me. I was the one who used to laugh. They hated me and they comedians love me. It's just the way it is.
Yeah, you would come on my show many times over the years as a guest and you would your speech pattern is not there to please people and speech pattern is very authentic. You say things very quickly and you kind of swallow some of the words and you mutter things that are absolutely hysterical. And you clearly there's some part of you that's saying, this is who I am. You can appreciate it or you can fuck yourself. Is that am I wrong there?
I mean, I didn't do that intentionally, but it must be it's a deep psychological thing. That's that's true. If you were to ask me. Oh, I said I'm coming out doing my material. But, you know, in my when you really look at it, it must have been so deeply rooted that I would not even see that. But yes, that's what's been going on. That's probably why I was a comic's comic, because they like that kind of thing, even though to me, I'm just innocently going up trying to share my material.
Well, also, what I noticed that you used to do habitually as a guest, which is you'd like to kind of dig yourself a hole and then get yourself out of it. It's almost like a psychological need to I want to put some distance between the crowd and not even saying this was conscious, but you wanted to put a little distance there and then get them back. Is that possible? Unconscious? Yeah. I mean, if I did, it's unconscious.
There's people that do that. Like you look at Larry David, I watch Larry David do that when he used to stand up and I was like, look at this. He's being ridiculous. He would go up there, go. I'd like to use that to fool with you people you know you're not used to vote for. I was like, OK, how are they supposed to get that joke?
Yeah, no, he would say he used to say this. I've heard this from many people who witnessed it. Larry David used to tell comics backstage this is before Seinfeld, before he had gone on to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. No one knew who he was. He'd come out there and he really needed the gigs. He needed the money. This is how he was surviving. And he would tell them backstage, I'll do some material and then I'm going to do my two voodoo joke, I think, which was should use the familiar to form.
Yeah. Or should I be more formal with you people and use the I don't know if you stand or. Oh. Through or use the food form he said and I'm not sure which way we should go. Is it to two with the food. He said if they laugh at that I know they're going to like me and if they don't, I know that the rest of the set is going in the toilet. So he would go out there and he would start getting a few laughs and then he would say, Oh, I like you.
I like you as a crowd. Yeah, you should I use the to from the crowd. And if the crowd didn't respond to that, he would lose his temper and start yelling at the audience. And I've asked him about this and to be like, oh, it's true. That's what I did. That's that's what I did. He would he would completely commit suicide on stage over that one joke. Yes. It's psychology. It's a funny thing how how it manifests itself.
All of us, you know, like on stage, like you were saying about me, I never knew I did that. And he probably never knew he did that. And he also used to go, which was a very funny joke at worked. You people are witnessing an amazing thing right now. You're. See someone doing exactly what they want and dreamed up their whole life, and it's still miserable. Did you did you enjoy doing Weekend Update, did you like it?
Speaking of psychology, I, I was very ambivalent. I go back and forth a lot. In retrospect, it was not really for me. And Lorne knew it, but used to yank me. But it was that it was not a great fit. I was much happier writing and doing little update segments. Those who my happiest days at SNL. It's so funny. I experienced this and you did too. And so many people. Jim Downey, Lorne Michaels has a soft spot as a as a Jewish man from Canada.
He has this strange he has this sort of obsession with Irish Irish comedians and Irish writers. He I mean, God knows, he changed my life and did wonderful things for me and for you. I know. Yes. Was he involved in your One-Man shows, which I saw on Broadway? You produced The Irish Way, the first one. Yeah, I saw that show and it was fantastic. I loved it. Except the parts about Irish people, except for that.
Ninety five percent. I was I was with you all the way. I could see Lorne wanting you to be do update and then maybe it's a good fit. Maybe it's not a good fit. You're not sure. But Lorne, not wanting to go tell you, you know, maybe, maybe update, isn't it, for you? That's right. No, he was the source. But I mean, look, even the fact that he lets people work there for 50 years, this people that have been there since nineteen seventy five.
Oh, I know it's strange. It's like they're people that have been living on an island way too long, you know, and their frame of reference is completely off, you know, and they'll be reminiscing about that. Great host from nineteen seventy six, Gloria Gaynor you're like what are you talking about. Maybe she'll come back. That would be a good host. Yeah. Let's get Shields and Yarnell on the show. How it has been. Yeah.
If we could get assessment on the show, we'd be back on track. I don't know who this Jaylo person is, but if we could bump her and get Howard Hasman. Yes, I'm very familiar with with that aspect of the show. These people that have been there for Jesus since like Watergate, that's the soft side of it. People don't realize is that he would never get rid of you. He's loyal to people, which was employees like that.
To the end.
You learned, as did I. I think we both have a thing, which is we like to talk. We like to gab. It's the curse of our people. Sometimes the biggest laughs I get or when I'm not saying anything and and I'm just staring at the guest. And you can find this beauty in these silences, which is something I didn't know about. It wasn't part of the culture of being an Irish Catholic comic or an Irish Catholic comedy writer or performer or someone who was obsessed with comedy.
What about you? Is that something that you felt like you got better at? Yeah, I mean, I feel like yes, I feel like this. Like when I started comedy, I would say you have to come out and prove yourself and that this is going to sound very weirdly. But that rushing to speak when you come on stage, I'm going to say take a Jack Benny. You're one of these guys. But I'm saying. But rushing out to try to prove yourself.
Yeah. Also is kind of what I was doing was always a bad move because it shows you trying to get them instead of taking a second to get your bearings. Know. I mean, I know that's not what you're talking about, but I'm you know, it is it didn't know. It is. It is. It is. Because what I always do is I try to prepare. I try to have good ideas. I try to have a plan.
But I always tell myself just before I go out, if it's a big crowd or just a regular show, I try to tell myself, leave space to find it because and find out who they are and what's happening out there in that moment. So I walk out there and I'll move around the stage, but I won't say anything right away. And it's just trying to find out what's the energy, what's happening. And it took me a while to get comfortable enough to do that.
That's right. I agree with that. I should do that on the podcast. I should just not speak to the first half hour, you know, and let you let you, Callon, get uncomfortable.
I was uncomfortable before you got here. We had a pretty quick time player incident. We had a lot of stuff going on, you know, I don't know.
Trust me. I'm going to make sure that that has been included in the podcast because it was too good. I was waiting. They kept saying, no, Colin's not ready yet. And then I saw my technician back out of the room backwards with a look of shock. And I was like, what's wrong? And he said, he's OK. He's on a telephone. He's on a telephone, we can't he doesn't know that we need to do this through a computer.
And then you were looking for a computer and I think you made one out of some Maplewood. Is that true? Let's go to that whole conversation now and the moment before just to take us to break. I think it's worth. I don't know, he said, like a bandana around your neck, is that like it affectation or was that I know that's actually I use that as a mask during. I'm going to hate to break it to you.
There's something called covid out there. And I know that you're a denier, as most Irish are, but I wear this thing and then I can put it up easily. So, no, it's not an affectation. I wish it was OK. It's called a fucking mask, which I think you got it on your head.
It's very like, you know, Luftwaffe 1941. Well, that's. Can I say something? I happen to disagree with a lot that the Nazis did trust me a lot. But the Luftwaffe, I had they they dressed nicely. Yes, they did dress nicely. And Hugo. So I'm not going to. Yes. Hugo Boss. Hugo Boss designed the outfits for the Luftwaffe and the Gestapo. So you telling me I'm dressed like I'm in the Luftwaffe?
I'm like, thank you. That's a compliment because they spent much more time on the cut of their uniforms than they did, figuring exactly how they should be bombing Britain. Yes, we have a lot to talk about. And I'm glad we figured out the tech stuff. And I want to make sure that all of that is in their way. But we're not finished with the tech stuff. Oh, oh, OK. My team is telling me now that that apparently we're not even close.
Let's call it what happened. What happened.
We're not finished with the tech stuff yet, so. Well, yeah.
Yeah, you're going to shut down. It's just for legal purposes. So when we have off. Yes. Yes, because because Karl and I hate to break it to you, but I am suing you. I'm going to sue you. And this is going to be part of the lawsuit. Oh, good. Well, anyway, the interest of full disclosure, I'm never sending you guys this recording.
Trust me, if you did send it to us, I know that you would mail it to us like a bulky brown package and a cell phone. It would show up the way the Maltese Falcon shows up in that movie. It would be covered in wax paper. I swear to God, we're putting this stuff in there. Do you hear me? Speaking of Falcons, are you following me with that thing on your hand?
I have a little mini cast around my hand because I injured my some two years ago and every now and then it flares up. But if you're going to make fun of me for my ailment and say that I look like I'm into falconry, I'm now taking the thumb brace off because it's very attached with Velcro. So there I no longer look like a falconer in the lift. Wafa, how do you have a microphone we're using? Where's your microphone?
Oh, no, I get my mike got hold off, for God's sake.
He's what he doesn't need. Does he need a microphone? And where did he go? He just left. OK, come back. Colin, what did you do? Come back. You don't need a microphone. You don't need a microphone. I was confused for a second by the sheer breadth of your unprofessionalism. Let's do it, Colin. We we are in the shop and then we're good. Yeah. Huh. OK, let's begin the podcast.
Where would he be able to. Fifteen. Very good. That's your cholesterol. Colin is not the time. That's your cholesterol to assume I had a heart attack two years ago. It's not too soon. By making that joke, I'm helping you stay aware of your cholesterol levels and showing real concern. Yeah, maybe so. You should thank me. I do always. Thank you. Yeah. And sorry about the heart attack. Sure. You research this right here at the top.
Don't mention cholesterol. You had a heart attack two years ago. I should have read that, Bart, which I think we have a great podcast already with what's just happened.
I do too. Yeah. OK, ready when you are OK. Back to chat now for this one. OK, but there's nothing there except he doesn't need a mic. I hate it here.
I absolutely hate it. I hate it at my own podcast.
OK, this is no lie, but the product I'm talking about now is a product which is in my refrigerator every day, I think I, I have this bread every day. Open up the refrigerator. Dave's killer bread. Have you had this sort of you had Dave's killer bread?
Oh, I have had Dave's. But I don't know why you said that in such a weird way. It came out that way.
Yeah, you have. You have. I know they sent you some. I have. They sent this lot. And I, I meant to say it in a way where I was like, oh, I love Dave's, but it gets much creepier. Yeah.
It sounds like you're in a cult or something. I love this bread. I really do. It's the bread that's in our refrigerator. I really like it. And it's got all these great seeds in it and it makes it's great on a sandwich or it makes actually really good toast to Dave's killer bread. Excellent toast. But then I found out something about the company that I didn't know. They're really into second chance employment, which I think is an amazing, an amazing mission.
One in four Americans has some kind of criminal record and sometimes they have a hard time getting a second chance. Fresh start. Dave's killer bread employs those people, gives them a chance, lets them rebuild their life, turn their life around. And that's kind of the purpose of every loaf that they make. And I'm telling you, sometimes someone has a great cause and the products, OK, this is really good bread.
I like this bread. I if I could, I would keep this bread in my pocket and use it as a wallet, you know, sort of put the money and the credit cards in between two slices of Dave Keiller bread and then but it would get soggy.
I would sweat.
Would you do that. Why. What did you just eat it?
I'm going to be honest with you. I started that sentence not knowing where I was going and making a wallet out of Dave's killer bread. Not a good idea, but I like what they're doing. I really like their bread. And I like this idea of giving people a fresh start, second chance employment. So learn more about what they're doing at Dave's killer bread dotcom slash second chances. That's Dave's killer bread dotcom slash. Second chances don't make a wallet out of it.
That was a stupid idea. Hey, everybody, Conan O'Brien here to let you know about Team Koko's virtual comedy show hosted by my good friend, the very funny comedian Moses Storm. Moses Storeman friend streams every other Thursday on Team Koko's YouTube twitch and Facebook pages. Past guests have been Chris Read, Joakim Booster, Rachel Bloom, bestselling Kal Penn, Ron Finches, Angela Johnston and so many more. It's really a fantastic comedy show, Jampacked, featuring some of my favorite people, and I'd like you to check it out.
If you get a chance. Follow Team Coco live on Instagram for the latest show dates and guest lineups. You've written this book, which I again, I'm going to I'm going to plug throughout rather than waiting to the end, overstated. Coast to coast, most of the 50 states you've written this book that I really do love. And I think we have something in common, which is I love history and you go through state by state. And what I love about the book, it's very funny.
You say here you are in Louisiana. One time I landed at the airport and the cab driver, who was at least four hundred pounds, stopped halfway through the trip and made me get out and pump gas while he went into the store to pay and pick up some goodies. And he came out with a six pack of beer and opened one while he was driving me and offered me one. And it was ten thirty a.m.. That's New Orleans. But you're approaching this in the way that I personally agree with, which is we're not better than any of these people.
You're just noticing. That's clearly we're in a moment right now, a national moment that's really terrifying. But there's a lot of affection in here. Yeah. I mean, I really you know, I would say the country really grows on you after a while. And I feel like people are like so definitive nowadays. They're just completely rigid. This country is either the worst place or the best place. And there's no in between no contradiction. There's no nuance.
It's it's so ignorant. But these are the two sides that road things, even the expression of that process on both sides. Oh, you mean they're trying to find a place we compromise. We don't cut each other's hearts out in the street. Yeah, it does. Both sides are unique.
It's crazy. How do you feel about comedy right now? There's a lot of angry comedy. There's just a smokescreen because you're not getting laughs. So you think you're being transgressive. But if you like getting laughs, you maybe you can clean up a prophet, a philosopher. You can't say you're a comedian if you're not eliciting laughter. That's a comedy. But there's this myth of the Lenny Bruce type comedian right there. Everybody still wants to live in this imaginary smoke filled state where this guy is blowing the, you know, the middle class people's minds, you know, shocking anybody.
What's shocking is if you're being funny. So I'm saying a lot of people will try to be like that, like you said, like I made people uncomfortable. It's like you're right. That's the definition of comedian this. And I'm not saying don't make people uncomfortable if you're getting laughs. When you spoke against the Catholic Church, for example, that was speaking truth to power. That was 1960. That was could have got him killed, didn't get him arrested.
But nowadays, I'm not saying you shouldn't make fun of the Catholic Church. Of course you should. But the thing is, the stakes are not nearly what they were, that's all. Because the other thing, too, is there used to be in the forties and fifties and sixties, you could ruin your career. Your career could be over if you spoke truth to power, if you got out of line, if you were the Smothers Brothers famous example and and your show was very vocally anti-war and it was on primetime television on one of three networks, anybody has that one hundred death threats on social media.
Has it been on social media? And they'll take two comments. You know, I spoke and I got death threats. Everybody gets death threats on social media. It's nothing. It doesn't make you. But people want to use that, then make themselves seem like they're taking edge. You know, if you're a comedian and in Ukraine right now that's speaking truth to power, where is actually consequences?
You end the book with one of my favorite quotes of all time, which I can't believe more people aren't citing right now. And I will get to that is idiots. It is not. Yeah, well, you're quoting here about the eight switches. I tried to do it last night. I had some trouble. The missus was unhappy. I've heard about this. This is great. I heard about this scientist who says I should get a hamster and shove it up my ass as it tries to fight its way out.
It will excrete an oil and this will give new potency to my erections. Well, off to the doctor. That was fun quote you put in there. I can't believe you put that in there. But who writes? Well, off to the doctor, by the way, who writes that this is a great writer. I can't believe you did that. Who does that? That's one of the greatest records of all time, which is the worst filled with passionate intensity, the best lack all conviction, which is kind of relevant to today's society.
No, it is. It's it's you make this great point in the book. You're you're sort of bringing it out at the United States because people keep everyone in this moment is is trying to figure out, is this country on the. Precipice of something cataclysmic and you said the US is a 50 state wide couples counseling session and we're thinking about filing for divorce, but we're not sure. And I thought that's a very apt description, I think, of where we are, which is this is the price of being in America, which is we're a big country.
We're an extremely diverse country. We have completely different ecosystems on one landmass and completely different histories and values. And so, of course, it's messy.
And like a divorced couple, we fight over money. That's true. We do. And then we realized, hey, it's a 50 50 state. It's L.A. She'll get half of what I made. I'll have to keep doing the talk show longer. This isn't me. I'm saying I'm just saying this is my analogy for where he is right now. And then why is this like, well, wait, know, if you're so unhappy, why don't you just leave?
And I'm like, no, no, no, Liza, Liza, Pat O'Brien. We can't afford that. You know, I'm not going to be cut in half financially. And the kids come in and they're crying and it's like, fuck you, Dad. Nev is like you're so selfish. You're always about money. Can't you see Mom's crying? And I'm like, quiet. But anyway, that's America right now. In my opinion, there's nothing, nothing to do with me.
So I didn't take that one. You know, various people have various degrees of talent.
Some people have a stunning amount of talent and some people have less. And some people you don't even know where they're coming from. But to me, the game changer is who understands that it's about work? And that's something that I think really has always set you apart. You're you're such a good thinker and writer. And I look at this as, again, I'll say it again about your book. So many comedians can just put out a book and they fill it up with some pictures and some quick, funny ideas, and they know that they'll make a quick buck.
And you've got so many funny ideas in this book, it's really just loaded with them. I do feel if you put the effort in, the truth will out. Do you hate compliments? Do you have a problem with compliments? I don't. I'm actually loving it. So how are you with criticism? Criticism? I'm not as good as I pretend to enjoy it. I'll be like, oh, and then my eyes widened.
I'm furious, but I'm like, right, you would say so. And I'm terrible at people try to compliment me and I'll see the way that it's an insult. Yeah, I actually I mean, I'm surprised Colin likes I thought it was like an Irish Irish thing. Tend to not take compliments very well.
I don't know, maybe I once saw Carmel Quinn. She's an old Irish singer. She goes on stage and she's doing a joke. She goes, he's an Irish woman getting a compliment from her husband. Darling, you look beautiful tonight. Oh, shut up.
No, it's true. It's true. It's like it's not just an Irish thing. It's sort of a UK does something in the in the United Kingdom, I think in general in Ireland, Scotland, Wales, England, you can't. And I think we all accept it occasionally. I'm around somebody. I was talking to the great actor Malcolm McDowell recently, and we know each other a little bit. And he's just I think he's from Liverpool, but he's just so funny.
And he was so great just right away picking up on Conan. You're an ass. You're a fool. You know, I can't believe they let you on television, know it's an abomination. And he's doing all that. And I'm laughing. I'm laughing. And his wife is saying, no, no, stop it, stop. And then she started saying, Conan, he doesn't mean it. He really does love you. And I want to say to her, I trust me.
This is how we talk to each other, because the worst thing I could say to Malcolm McDowell is, you know, you really are an amazing actor. He's never talked to me again, you know what I mean? Or if he said to me, I really do think that you have a quick mind, I would never speak to him again. Yeah, that's how we are with each other. That's why I'm complimenting your book, because I don't ever want to have to talk to you again.
I totally want you out of my life. So I thought, how do I do it? And then I it occurred to me. I know. I'll just tell him how much I love the book and I'll tell him I read it when I haven't read a book since nineteen seventy eight. You end the book and I'm going to, I'm going to read this quote because I love this. You sort of make this point at the end that it's up to us America and you do it in this great way, which is you quote my.
Favorite person is Abraham Lincoln, and he says all the armies of Europe and Asia could not by force take a drink from the Ohio River or make a track on the Blue Ridge in the trial of a thousand years. No, if destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of free men, we will live forever or die by suicide. That's how you end your book. And I was so I like teared up when I read that because it's one of my favorite quotes.
Lincoln understood. No one's conquering this country and destroying it except us. Right. Right. It was so weird that it's seems like that's what's happening now, you know. Yeah. And it was happening then. We've been here before. I think the Internet is what's accelerating everything and making it much more intense. But we've been here before. And with any luck, if we get to keep going, we'll be in this place again.
Well, what saved us last time was an alcoholic president. We need a president that's an alcoholic like Ulysses S. Grant.
Can you expand on that, please? Well, I'm glad you asked that. We to just I'd love to just say. Oh, yeah, of course. But I'm not going to because I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, I mean, you need somebody who while everybody's freaking out and nobody said, oh, my God, you don't need somebody who is exacerbating or who's just or freaking out. You need somebody to say, God's fine. And I guess that's what Grant must have been a guy to.
But wait a minute. Wait a minute. I know that you I'm going to assume you've read Ron Chernow's recent book, Grant, which I cover to cover. But no, Ulysses S. Grant was not stumbling around the White House all the time, burping and knocking off cans of Forty's and like banging them around the floor and saying, that's fine. That's not who he was. Well, guess what if I guess I just praised you for having all this historic knowledge and now you've reduced Grant to this lovable drunk who is too sound to do anything about the country and that ended up being a good thing.
Is that what you're saying?
I'm saying that if he wasn't a drunken maniac stumbling around the White House, I guarantee you right now, was disappointed when he started doing I found you must be like, what am I doing at this point? Because I know I'll do grant all these great stories of him shooting out the second floor of the getting totally trashed. And then he found out. Yeah, he struggled with alcohol and it was a problem. But throughout his presidency, he really had it under control.
And he showed a lot of showed a lot of restraint and. Yeah, yes. And then there are these interesting issues. Oh, shit. This isn't a good book. This is a terrible book.
All I'm saying is sometimes a drunk can be a good I mean, a lot of leaders look at Winston Churchill. I mean, he wasn't an alcoholic, per say, but he was what they call a heavy hitter. And he smoked like he smoked like twenty, twenty six hours a day. Obviously, he had a lot of issues and he was a great statesman. But my favorite one of my favorite quotes about Churchill was they asked a friend of his, do you think Churchill is an alcoholic?
And his friend said, oh, my God, no, no alcoholic could drink that much.
It's like, yeah, logically looking at this one, look at Trump. Trump doesn't drink, doesn't smoke. So he takes all that subliminal psychological, that psychotic thing and focuses on the country.
Yes, it'd be better if he was drinking heavily and smoking cigarettes. Yes. Some of his self-loathing would be channeled into these vices. Absolutely. Instead of into us. Yeah. Let's hope that he starts drinking heavily. The next president is going to be it's going to be a method.
Maybe I could just ask you one question because we're about out of time. But this entire interview, you've been holding a stack of money and waving it around in my face to make points. And it looks like a couple of fives. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty, five thirty. It looks like you've got about forty dollars there and you were waving it around. Why are you. I'm not a stripper. Why are you at sixty seven dollars.
OK. OK. Why are you holding sixty seven dollars in your hand and pointing it at me when you make a point. Because I know you know all the great actors they always have like they say, oh this is what informed my performance, like Marlon Brando. I stuff that my mouth cotton and suddenly I was the godfather. Really. Yeah. Great technique.
So this conversation is a man of letters, first of all, you should have seen the symbolism of that. I think about it even I didn't know what I was doing. Lincoln. Yeah, there he is. You see money. I see history. OK. OK. Wow, you just shamed me. He's just saying to me, just so full of shit. I love it. I love it. You ruined Ireland's previous poet laureate for me.
Take it out of. I'm sorry. He was an amazing poet, one of the great poets of all time. And I love Yeats, but he couldn't get it up anymore. He sought out a rat and a hamster and wanted to squeeze out the essential oils and shove it up his ass. And I can't when I read it, which I do from time to time, that's something I think about, oh, how badly do you want an erection?
How badly? I don't want rat oil up there. Oh, man. You're a great man. Colin Quinn. You really are glad you told you you're a great man. And the book is overstated. A coast to coast rose to the fifty states. And you know what? It's really funny. And I will say elegiac and packed with great imagery and intelligence and a fine piece of work from a fine man. Colin, thank you so much for doing this, for Christ's sake.
Next time we talk, I want you to be prepared. I want you to have a real computer.
You know, we do this through a Commodore and a Commodore. And you hooked it up to rabbit ears from a TV set from nineteen sixty seven. Thank you, Colin Quinn. Thank you so much.
Hey, best selling, first hour long stand up special is currently streaming on HBO, Max, and if you haven't watched it get to it, this is the real deal. She is a true talent. Her special is full of honesty as well as some wild and hilarious stories. I couldn't be more proud to have helped produce this project, and all we did was really give Beth the microphone and shine a light on her. And she did it all and has gotten so much praise for this special best selling girl.
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Go check it out. Hello there.
I'm Rory Scovel. I'm a comedian. I'm an actor, but most importantly, I'm a dad. And I'll tell you what, as a father, it is my sworn duty to tell you about my new show with Team Coco called Dads, the podcast.
On each episode, me and my co-host, Ruthie Wyatt, are joined by a hilarious guest to talk about the mysteries of fatherhood and parenting, people like David Cross, Conan O'Brien, Sabrina Gelis and Roy Wood Jr.. Even if you're not a dad or a parent, I think you're really going to like this show. So please check us out. Find Dads the podcast wherever you get your podcast.
Don't miss it. I wanted to alert you guys to an article that's been written about Conan O'Brien needs a friend. As you know, I, I don't read my press. People just sort of tend to give me the gist, like, oh, you are hated or you dodged another bullet. What's this one?
Well, you don't need to worry even after I give you the gist about being able to decipher what the point is, because it's from the alleged Times article and it's clearly been translated from another language by an A.I. or Google or something into English and I. Can you slow down a little because I don't understand what that means. What does that?
Well, I think that this article was originally written in another language, but some kind of platform got translated it into what it thinks is English. And when I read some of it, you're going to understand what I mean.
OK, because this is a Google translated for an article about our podcast.
This is I can figure let's see if we can decipher some of it. So these are just highlights. All right. Identified for his personal TV speak present, American Conan O'Brien immediately makes top of the line podcasts on this planet.
This is fantastic. What am I calling American? What am I speak present. I am. And you know what I am an American TV speak present. That's great. There you go.
How what number of podcasts are there on a dozen random avenue customers? No less than 13. Oh, it's so far. I understand everything. Is my brother Luke talks. By the way, Luke, if you're out there, this is what you sound like to me.
The provision of podcasts is so overflowing that there are, in all probability, an infinite variety of high quality podcasts as nicely.
Oh, OK. So what they're saying is we have a good podcast, but there are so many of them out there that are really good. It doesn't really matter which one you listen to. Your guess is as good as mine. I think so many of your good podcasts. No, no. Just so many podcasts of high quality in general that what they mean. I think that's what it means. Right. Yeah, which is fair. There's a lot of great podcasts out there.
Who are we to say we're any better than any of them? Yeah, OK. I guess honesty. False modesty. I know. All right.
Personally, I've left and this is all one word, mediums in money, just one podcast, which I pay attention recurrently. It's Conan O'Brien. One's a buddy.
Conan O'Brien. One's a buddy once a buddy. Once a buddy.
OK, well, together with his assistant, the second presenter of the podcast, Solanum obsession with normally simply going through the head.
What are you about again? Sorry about again. You only have to read the second part again. We know it's the Sesi and then it gets crucially important.
Listen, Sonam, obsession with normally simply going through the stink.
Well, is it not true? You normally simply are going through the stink. Yeah. Are you the stink? Am I just going through I don't know what you've revealed to this reporter. You clearly had some sort of you think I spoke I think you spoke to them and you revealed a lot about yourself. That's insanity. Yeah. Oh, good. The producer of the present, Matt Gawley, brings its personal edition to the episodes. Conan's speak present profession has turned to the conditional aspect.
He was close to the highest for a very long time, popped proper on high and rapidly dropped out of there because the countless stupidity of the present enterprise pamphlets.
Oh, what does that that sounded like a burned me. Yeah, it's like a sick burn, I don't think. Wait, so I was I was doing well. Yeah. And then I popped out because of the present.
Yeah. Enterprize pamphlets enterprise.
You were on top and then you fell.
But I mean we all know that but it's really philosophical here following that apparently. Nevertheless, each wall actually is a door as now Conan makes top of the line podcasts on this planet. Oh OK.
So I fell. Yeah. But I encountered a door but then that, I mean I encountered a wall but that had a door through it and then I became a pod caster. Yes. And then put me back on top. So you failed as a TV host. Yes. And then you thrived in the podcast medium. Great. Terrific. Thank you for underlining that. So you failed. You were really good. And then you failed. Yes, yes.
Yes. Apparently I failed terribly. OK, Conan's peculiarity, a weird mixture of self belittling, openness to psychological well-being. Comedian language, historical past Phanatic. CISM, lightning, fast improvisation and a community gathered through the years of one of many brightest friends match into an intimate podcast format higher than another dialogue I've ever heard. You know what?
I take that that was fantastic. That actually for a second the computer became alive because I'm so good. The computer was like it broke through and said, dammit, this human is worth saving. Yes. Or like this is the moment that Skynet becomes self-aware and the first thing it's chosen is Koenen.
That was a beautiful sentence in its own way and very true. And I do think I think the robots are becoming self-aware. I think the Internet's becoming self-aware. And the first thing it's doing is saying Conan O'Brien is a great pied Kastor of all humans. He should be the king. Oh, when we take over. Is that what you guys got? Yeah, I'm getting that. Yeah. What I was going to say was I think it's really nice that all those things come across, even though they don't seem to understand English.
Well, your self-deprecating humor, your improv skills, it's nice. It ended up being. Is that it? Is it. No, there's just too little more. OK, I'm just say. Yeah, I mean, other than the fact that I failed with my media pamphlets. But then when you hit a wall that turned out to be a door, I'm so far I'm OK with this review. This is one of the nicer reviews I've ever heard.
Yeah. Yeah. And I think it gets better from here as well as Conan's fashion works higher and longer interviews then briefly speak present. Grunts I haven't laughed with another podcast as a lot. Extremely. The head of Conan's profession is outdoors of TV. Conan O'Brien, once a buddy on all the main podcast companies.
Oh, my God. First of all, doesn't this read a little bit like e e Cummings? You know, it's got like a sort of a weird it's like a very modernist poet. It's got a little bit of Joycean there. It's a stream of consciousness kind of thing. Yes, yes, yes.
It feels a little like it's a little Ulysses Finnegans Wake sort of teamed with an old modem. It's melting down because someone put cheese in it. You can ask for a better review. That's really good times. And that's those are just selected highlights. So if that is fantastic, I want that robot doing my eulogy when I go. And I hope it's not for a long time, but when I go, Seona, look into it. I want everyone to come show up.
Sorry, but yes, the caskets there. And then they put this computer up on the up on the altar now six feet under.
Kohnen was one that was emphasized pamphlet in ground lost Kohnen live no more heart beat Klown foolish propaganda fail now forever God's arms holding out for worms. I knew his body mouldering slowly yes auto erotic asphyxiation. Oh unfortunate not mentioned press pamphlet secret till now Brian was belt self choked exclave O'Brien found old poster of Farrah Fawcett. Oh my God my family not told computer mistake just me. Sorry all wife crying. That's funeral ever. I came away stoned to death just for that.
Trust me. You know what I'll do? I'll fake it. I'll fake my death. Please. That computer. I want a computer I want to see. I want it to be like a bad late seventies, Commodore. Early eighties. And I want to. I want it. I want it dressed in a black suit and put up there with this crafty old computer sat by and knows the secrets you have. And then the computer for some reason it talks about me very briefly and then goes into the the embarrassing way that I died.
And it goes on and on at length for two hours because it gets stuck in a cycle and people like my wife leaves, my kids are ushered out and it just keeps going on and on belt. Use this type of belt color of the belt. And I'm doing sex was. Wow, incredible. That's fantastic. I salute you for bringing that to our attention. That is a joy.
Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sunim Obsession and Conan O'Brien ASMs. Produced by me, Matt Cawley, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotaroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Benan at Airwolf theme song by The White Stripes, Incidental Music by Jim Messina. Our supervising producer is Aaron Belayer and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review the show on Apple podcast and you might find your review featured on a future episode.
Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at three, two, three, four, five, one, two, eight, two, one and leave a message in two could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts, stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been 18 cocoa production in association with Nawaf.