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I'm Shinada Moore, and you are listening to everyone on the podcast.
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In this final episode of Season three, Tara O'Farrell joins us to open up about her fertility journey from the moment with her GP when she learned she was pregnant to the moments with her GP when she asked why was she not conceiving again?
Tara Story has a happy ending. And in just a few weeks time, she'll meet her second baby boy. Here, she shares the steps she took to finding out what was wrong, how this pregnancy has had its anxious moments, and how the waiting, hoping and wishing really does take its toll. But most of all, Tara shares how much better she felt once she could open up about it all and was so surprised to see that, in fact, all along she was never alone.
Tara, you are most welcome to everyone on the podcast, I am really thrilled to have you on and congratulations on baby number two.
Thank you. Thank you. I'm very, very excited for baby number two. I feel very, very lucky. And getting closer now. Think I'm 30 weeks. And what he's measuring three weeks ahead where Jean and I went early on, Jean.
So it kind of, you know, the way you just know, I knew the week I was going to have Jean, I was like, this is the week I'm going to have Jean. I was like, no, you're going to go over. This is your first. You'll definitely go over. And I went early. So I just nothing happened to me like my body or anything. It wasn't like I was getting the pregnancy signs or anything.
I just knew, like, in my head and I said to my mom and she was like, I don't get your hopes up. That's going to be soon. Like, you know, you might go over. You could go over. My mom went over in three or four weeks on my brother, which I know is insane and hard to believe. But like I think back in the day, they really let you go.
So I was like, no, I'm not. I'm going to have them this week. I just know it. So I was it was it spontaneous? It was. Your waters just went and you were like, yeah, yeah. My waters broke and done and gone to the studio. And I rang him and he was like, no, they didn't, because he thought I was being like a big dramatic freak. Like, No, obviously it's never happened before.
But I'm pretty sure, like, my water just broke. I did not just wet myself on something. So he knew that he had to come back and I'd go into the hospital and have it checked and everything. And they were like, yeah, your water broke. And I was in such a good place and my pregnancy watching. And I was so delighted, obviously, to be pregnant and I never took it for granted, like, you know, that I was pregnant.
I always was like, I'm so lucky I'm pregnant. And and I had a really good pregnancy. Like, I felt really, really sick for the first think up until about 15 weeks. And I felt like sick, but I was so excited that I was pregnant. I think I was like, exceptionally excited and that I kind of just ignored the sickness and I got through it.
And then once that was gone, I felt amazing for the rest of pregnancy, like I literally felt healthier than ever. And so I was so lucky in that way. And I did have no birthing. And remember how many weeks I was then, and they both did it. Jonell totally got into it. He was absolutely loving it. Didn't know what I was talking about, was like, I'm going to do a birthing and you're going to come, we're going to do this.
And he was like, hip, hip, the choice of each other. Like, he totally didn't have a clue what I was talking about, but he did it and he totally got into it.
And and yeah, it was a really, really I think I was really looking at my life like I went in, my water broke and I live really near the hospital. So I came home, which I want to. And and like I was at home for hours through the nights and with my tennis machine, which, by the way, was the best thing in the whole world and agreed.
Yeah, I'm like, no one ever told me about that. Only one person told me about a tennis machine when I was when I was pregnant. Only one person I know and I tell everyone that will listen. It's like I don't know if I could have done it without the technology. And so eventually we went and, you know, I was doing the construction app timer and and. Yeah, I was pretty much no how many centimeters or I could go into labor so fairly quickly and but then it kind of slow down.
So they had to induce me, which I didn't really want. But anyway, they had to induce me, obviously, you know, you do whatever they tell you and they induced me. And my main thing, you know, they obviously have an ideal birth plan.
But then you have to accept that it's probably well, not probably, but like, it might not happen, like, I think birth and really prepared me for the fact that plan for what you would love, but like you can accept if it doesn't go ahead. But, you know, all your dreams, you know, of your labor might and happen. And just to accept that, like just go with the flow, the main thing is that you're OK.
The main thing is the baby's OK and just roll with it.
And I don't want to scare anybody. I was afraid of having an epidural. So I know other people are like, get me the epidural the minute you can get it to me. I was like, do everything you can to avoid giving me the control. I really do. What would why I was I'm so I'm such a freak and this makes me sound like such a weirdo. Any kind of procedures. I mean, look, I haven't had to have any big serious procedures and procedures.
Like, they kind of say like we would recommend that you're put to sleep for this. I happened to be put to sleep. So like I've had like a colossal with the cold and it's got me and all those things. Oh, yeah. Because I'd rather be awake because I'm so afraid of being put to sleep under general anesthetic and I've had all my wisdom teeth taken out wide awake. I would rather have the pain or have the discomfort.
And be there if you get me. Is it a fear of not waking back up? Yeah, which I know obviously is not going to happen, but it's just an irrational fear that I can't rationalize. And so the aperture.
No, I mean, like, if you if we actually stopped and thought about what was going to happen, it would freak the best of us out. Yeah, it would though like being put to being put to sleep, not in a bad way. And but like it is scary that you're you're present, but you're not. And then you come back.
So the epidural, I was just really nervous of an epidural. It wasn't the need. I don't mind needles at all. It was just the feel the loss of sensation in my legs. I know. That's so weird. I know it comes back and your grind. But I was I was nervous of getting epidural, so Daniel knew.
Like, even if I started, like, begging for the epidural that I like to make sure I really, really wanted it because I've been so vocal that I really didn't want to have an epidural. And I know some people are like, I don't want hypergrowth. I want to feel every single bit of this and all this. It wasn't that for me. Like, I just didn't want to have an epidural, so I didn't have any control. And it was actually really good for me to know what it felt like then.
And then I was like, well, actually, I felt everything I like for a conference to any person that's pregnant right now. It was that was the easiest part of the labor for me. The baby coming out and feeling everything was actually like breath taking. And for me it was more the contractions. Like, you know, when you're in juice, they get home quicker. And an intense like it was that kind of build up that I was a bit like, oh, come on, come on.
And then but once I started pushing and the baby was coming, it was an amazing experience and like I was dying to do it again. So if anyone was pregnant and they're like, oh, God, what if I can't? I have to say, what if they can't get the epidural to me quick enough for what if I can? And so they're worried about Tharp's. Like, I know everyone's experience is different, but like I found every bit of it and I would happily do that again, this time I was like, you can't go into.
Giving birth for the first time with any you just don't know what it's like and no one really does tell you what it's like and no one, it's because they basically can't no one can explain to you what it's like and like know that I know what it felt like. Like I said, like, I would totally be like, it's fine. You could totally do that. It's and also then the baby's handed to you and you forget about everything.
So do you feel in general much more confident going into this birth and excited because you've been through it?
Well, you know, if I had the same pregnancy as I had, yes, I'm starting to I'm trying to get there. But I've had kind of a more challenging pregnancy this time. And and I've had a few scares and stuff. So I've been so nervous. This pregnancy, which I wasn't nervous at all when I was pregnant. And Jean, like, I have people messaging me saying, oh, I'm pregnant for the first time and I'm really anxious and like, I know it's normal to feel anxious, but I was never, like, extremely anxious when I was pregnant.
Jean, I just kind of. Just never worried. It's weird, I don't know if a midwife said to me when I went in for a checkup, I'm saying if like, oh, I'm so nervous this time. That's because you have a baby already. And, you know, the love you feel for him is so strong and you can't bear the thought of anything happening.
You know, I know everyone feels that, but I think when you become a mom, I know for me, like I'm an emotional weirdo when it comes to like I can hardly talk about being like that was another reason why, like, people are like, are you going to come and tell us your story?
Like, Jane is like two and a half now and I've never talked about it. Like, I can't talk about it without crying unless it's like something funny or we think something funny, but like literally cry about Jane so much because he literally is the best thing ever. But yeah, I've had issues with this pregnancy like and obviously I, I was more nervous because it took us it was more difficult to get pregnant this time. And, and then when I got pregnant, I kind of didn't believe it to be real until I had my first scan and I couldn't relax like those few weeks were were so horrible because I was so anxious.
Like, what if, like, I was afraid to be happy.
And then and I had the first scan and she said, oh, everything looks great, everything looks great. And I was delighted then and then I had bleed. So I had to be like at about 20 weeks. So at that stage, like, I obviously felt sick and everything way more than I did on Jane, by the way, like in the first few days just recently.
And I was like up until maybe 20 weeks, it didn't feel great. And but then I kind of was like, I'm twenty six now. Everything is fine. I don't have to worry about anything. And I had bleed and I remember I was in Claire on like a little trick and every trick we had this year and I'd had something that I was worried about for that trip. So the first trip I was it was the weekend before my first scan.
So I was there in body. But in mind I was thinking about my scan. So I felt like I couldn't fully be there and present to the kind of way because I was worried about my skin.
And then the next shift of something out that was I can't remember. And then this trip, I was like, now Zen mode I'm going to totally enjoy. This is so gorgeous, gorgeous place. And then I went to the bathroom. I went to bed the first night and I was bleeding like heavy periods. And I was like, oh my God, I'll never forget it. I was like trembling. I was nearly vomiting. Like, I literally felt like like this is it like I've lost the baby.
So am I. Right in the rotunda around my hospital. I don't know why I rang the hospital that I'm attending. And they said, you know, come in. And I was like, I'm in Claire. I she was like, what am I going to do? Do we have to wake up and drive through the night center to Dublin? And so then she goes, Oh, that's no problem. You can go into Limerick. So so she she kind of reassured me that, like, you know, don't worry, everything's probably fine.
And then, you know, the way they say, like, have you felt any movement? And at that stage, I kind of wasn't feeling, though, the movement anyway.
So like now I'm like, oh, he's backflipping. So he's you know, you kind of feel reassured by the movement. And but at that stage, I wasn't it was kind of like little splodges every now and then. It was so erratic that, like, I couldn't I couldn't get peace of mind from movement. So I went in and. I honestly like with the year, that's Annette, obviously. I totally understand, you know, there's reasons why men can't come in and everything and totally understand from the both sides safety of the staff and the patients and everything.
But at that moment when I went in and they listen to the heartbeat like. I was on my own and in my mind, I was like, I've had a miscarriage worse, you know? Then there was the hopeful side of me. That's like maybe I'm OK. But I was on my own and I'm sitting in the car with, like, you know, obviously the nervous wreck as well. And and when I when she heard that. When you can hear the heartbeat.
Yeah. When I heard the heart and it might take long, she was the most amazing midwife actually in memory and said she was reassuring, I'm sure, reassuring me before she even checked. She was like, it's going to take a bit longer because she said, like, your Bompas is small and you're slim. And I don't know what she was saying, but she was letting me she was just kind of building me up that it might take her long to find the kind of way.
So I wouldn't be panicking. And so when I heard the heartbeat, I was like wailing on my own to a midwife that I had just met. And she was so warm and was like, I totally understand how you feel. I she had children of her own. And she was like, it's so scary, you know, that she was just the best person ever to be there in that moment. So it wasn't there. But there was an amazing person there.
And and then obviously I let her know. But then when they they had a look, then they had to have a look, obviously, to see why it was bleeding. And they found like. Something that looked irregular in my cervix, so I was like, OK, so the baby's OK, but like now what? Like this. So. And also I have a low lying placenta which can cause can cause Beijing as well. So the they call the consultant Dan.
And he had another look then and and. So he said, it's best if I go to the returns and go to, you know. Closer to home and have them look at it there, so I booked it and I had a little procedure done and there's nothing they can do about that until after the baby's born, which is fine. So I've kind of put that to the back of my mind because I had like an ultrasound that as well.
The baby's absolutely perfect and looks amazing and is really thriving. So since then I've had blades and nothing as bad as there was that time. And so I never bled when I was pregnant with Jane. And I think when you're pregnant. The sense is so like I'm living way too graphic here when you go to the toilet, when you're pregnant. I know. I always did. Watching you check every time. Every time, every time. Do you think that's OK?
Because even if I go to live in the middle of the night and it's dark, I have to turn the lights to check. And there is a fear.
Always, always, always, always. I thought I was a total weirdo. Didn't know. But you know that I'm not on my own. I've never said that to anybody. So it's good to know that I'm not the only one. And but then obviously this time when I did that one night, there was blood, which was like my worst fear. And and it's happened again since. And like now I kind of know it's just because now it's stopped now because I think things have calmed down.
And I feel like now for the rest of the pregnancy, no, I can relax. And now everything is looking fine. And I have my most recent scan was last week and I've kind of left every scan feeling nervous and crying like because it's not even about anything that's not like anything.
Like the low lying percentage is fairly common and like I'm kind of not worried about that anymore, obviously I was that way that everything and everything and and I'm hopeful that the percentage will move up.
I have a gone and a couple of weeks check ups and but, you know, like, I had to get the diabetes test I didn't have to have before. And it was like, oh, the baby's looking a bit big.
And I was like, well, she's a good thing. So I had to have to be tested for that. And then they were like, no, that's come back like negative, whatever. Right. So I was so relieved. But that's because I was like, I just don't want any issues, like, you know. So the last gun I had, she just was like, he's measuring ahead. The placenta is still low lying, but there's still a couple of weeks to for it to move.
And it was just the most positive scan I've had. So I left feeling like on cloud nine. So I've been in a different place since that's gone and I haven't had any bleeding and I just feel like now I can get into the place that I was.
When I was in a totally different place, I so, so much is familiar because having had my second, I was I didn't think I didn't worry about the birth because I knew that I could conquer that. Yeah, but what you said there about knowing the love and knowing what was at stake. Yeah. That really held me throughout.
And I don't want to say that. Obviously, I didn't I didn't fall in love with my bump the first time. Of course I did. I didn't fully understand what I would be losing if it didn't work out. Yeah. Whereas every day of this pregnancy I was like, don't let anything be wrong. Don't let anything be wrong. I need you to be OK. Like it was it was. I think you're right.
I think as like my maternal U.A. had kicked in and I just yeah, I, I loved them like they were already here. Yeah, I know. That's the thing. Like with Gene obviously I you know, I talked to him when I was pregnant and I broke the bone, but I had so much more time and I expected Gene to focus on my bone and. But yet I could never imagine what it was going to be like at that stage to have him in my arms and know how how much I would love them to the kind of way.
And like you said, like I think now that's what the midwife said to me, said your maternal instincts kicked in like you're you're like you're a different person now, this time of this pregnancy. And so, yeah, I think it's it's the fear of what you could lose. Like, I obviously fear that everyone has. But, you know, it's it's kind of hard to even imagine you. No. And then I think when you have a child I know for me, definitely since becoming a mom, I worry so much more about obviously everything you put like my health.
Obviously, I want to be healthy for Jean and I want to be there for Jean, obviously. So I kind of you know, I think sometimes you jump to the worst case scenario being like, what if this happens or what if it's this? And and so I we started trying straightaway. I was like, I need to know that I can have a baby like I know. And and then it just started taking longer than I cost. And I, I took.
Oh, God, I can't imagine I can't even begin to imagine the pregnancy test that I took and and I couldn't believe it. I didn't realize I was pregnant. I was seven or eight weeks pregnant, like I wasn't taking pregnancy test. I wasn't in that mode of like we are trying. It was just so, so lucky. And my doctor told me I went to my doctor, but I had like being like, there's just something not right with me.
Like, I just don't feel like myself. And she thought I had a year an infection or something. And because I was prone to them and and did your sample and she was like, it's come back positive. And I was like, for what she was like. It was like, no, I literally couldn't believe it. I cos I felt so bad, like I thought I was dying the other way. Like you're just like obviously I'm very dramatic and I remember like I just I thought I was dying.
I felt so bad for those first few weeks and the feeling I'd never felt before. I was like it's so strange because I have this constant pain in my head and never had a headache in my whole life.
And like, obviously, people suffer from headaches. They they might get used to them. I was like, this is like there's something wrong with me. I have a headache and I get dizzy.
When I stood up, I felt awful and I was pregnant and there was no if you hadn't doubted it in any other way, you were like as of a headache, any normal person might be like, you know, I feel sick or a bit of, you know, maybe the pregnancy test didn't even come into my mind. The thing is, we had said we were going to start trying, so we had started trying. But I hadn't got my my natural period in a while.
So I thought, you have to have the baby you don't like. I didn't fully know the workings of how to get pregnant then, whereas now I could literally like I know so much, so much about it. But then I was like, no, I can't get pregnant until I get my period the next time and then I'll ovulate. And then I kind of half knew the story. So I was like, I can't get pregnant until I get my period again.
So in my mind, I couldn't have been pregnant. And like the day I found I was pregnant, funnily enough, I was booking a trip. And for the following summer and for my friend's wedding, I was meant to doing her makeup for a wedding. And then, like, I didn't actually book it because I was at my head. It was too bad that I was like, oh, look at it again later. But I'm going to the doctor now and now a book that later and I ended up not going to her wedding because Jean was born like two weeks before.
So that was one of the prime examples of therapy, making my plans for the following summer thinking. And then I'll be pregnant after her wedding. And then I had a baby by then.
So when did you start recognizing that actually something might not be going as you had planned this time?
So like like I.
I was kind of going into it this time more you want me to use this around this time and I was kind of more planned, but at this time thinking like right when I got pregnant and I want to make sure I got pregnant. So I'm going to do everything I can to control this. And and then I was like in the back of my mind, worried that I was going to be hard because I had had issues. So I just had this worry always about getting pregnant before anyone told me there was anything that was an issue.
I just kind of had this worry. So and like, I went to my doctor for different things. And every time I'd go like this, like, you know, I'm still trying. Nothing's happening. And she's like, Tyra, you the next time you come in to me, you're going to be pregnant. Stop worrying. You're absolutely fine. The doctor, this consultant said everything looked like it should. It should you shouldn't have any issues getting pregnant this time.
And she my doctor's amazing. I'm so lucky. She really cares and listens to me, like no matter how annoying I probably am.
And so she she reassured me.
It's like it's going to be you'll get pregnant. Don't worry, don't worry. Don't worry. And then like once we're passing and I was there, but my constant supply of pregnancy tests checking like, you know, the way it's like, OK, you could get a positive today, like, you know, the closest and like then it's like it's a line. Isn't everything so faint at that point? And then I did the ovulation test those. Yeah.
And everything's so expensive. I spent a fortune on the test and and the oblation things. I was like, I must be using them. Right. Because it's saying like I'm never I am actually constantly checking and it's never coming back like that. I've ovulation. So, you know, they must work, they must be crap. And like really then I realized after getting clothes and checkups that I wasn't ovulating so I could have been trying as long as I liked.
But I wasn't ovulating. So I didn't even think like that. I wasn't operating because I was kind of getting periods.
They were they were not regular, but like I was getting periods. So in my mind, I thought, right, if I get my period on the 1st of January, around the 14, 15.
Yeah, but I wasn't because they weren't true periods or whatever, they were just I don't know. I don't even know.
And so after, after I did the, the tests like like I said, you know, the way they say six months if you're under thirty five and then you give it a year if you're under thirty five so. I was how many months? Probably eight months at this stage, trying maybe would be more than that. And I went to my GP and she was like, listen, I reassure you on the do the the blood and we'll do this and we do that and we'll check if you're ovulating and we'll check your progesterone and everything.
And it's like, but don't worry, it's going to all come back perfect. You know, you just have to give it time. And, you know, and obviously I'm very impatient as well. So I was like, no, I need to calm down so and so. So, yeah, when she rang me then to say, listen, actually it's coming back that, you know, you didn't ovulate last month and you know, and my progesterone was no and everything I was kind of expecting it to be like now everything is actually fine, you know, just keep trying and it's going to be next month.
In the week. I think it's going to be next month. It's going to be next year. So positive, like it's going to be this month. And then so then she referred me to a consultant in the rotunda. And so he had a look and he did a scan and an internal check and everything. And he basically said, like, you know, your ovaries just, you know, in very simple terms are sleep and we need to wake up your ovaries.
So so he did wake up my ovaries with the help of medication. And and then I was so lucky. Then I, I got pregnant and again, I just couldn't believe it. So at this point then I knew I was pregnant when I was like three weeks. If even like the first seconds they could possibly check. And and I was upstairs on my own daughter was downstairs. We just sat on a food shop and I bought the pregnancy test in the future.
And and I was like, I'm just kind of upstairs. And I'd never told anyone I was doing a pregnancy test. I'd always want to be on my own and not I'd want to know that I was doing it. Like sometimes I'd called into my mom was like just going to the loo, just keep an eye on there. And I'd run up to her bathroom upstairs so I would hear the rustling or anything. And I do a pregnancy test.
I'd come down there and have a cup of tea and I'd have known that I was pregnant. You know, the kind of I am. But it's addictive, though, isn't it?
It's like if you know, there's one in your bag, you'll do this. You can't stop thinking about it until you've gone and resolved this. Like, either way, you just want to know.
And sometimes I did pregnancy tests when I couldn't, it was too early. It was like another cocktail that was ever going to come back positive no matter what. I was going to do it. It was such an addiction that was so bizarre. And so when I was up and did the pregnancy just this time and it came back positive, like I actually like I could and could not believe it.
I looked at about a hundred times and I went downstairs and I was like, look. And he was like he wasn't expecting me to go through me so many times. And I was like, no, no, negative, negative, crying or whatever. And and he just couldn't believe it. We just felt so lucky that it had worked and and just felt so lucky. And so, like I told my mom, like they are and that they're not there, that she wasn't there.
I told her that day like so early and to tell her because she knew like that we were trying and that like we were having a bit of difficulty. And I kind of like felt like the next if this doesn't work, like, you know, we're going to have to to go down the road of IVF and and like I know obviously so many people obviously, since even talking about trying to get pregnant, taking time to get pregnant, like the amount of messages, I've never experienced anything like it since being online, like the amount of people that have gone through IVF or have been trying on their second.
It's it seems to be very common.
On the second, it is very common. Yeah.
60 percent of all fertility issues in Ireland are related to secondary infertility, isn't it? Much so the assumption that, hey, I got pregnant first time round, I can get pregnant second time. Right. Not unlike what you said about your ovaries going to sleep like this. There's a lot of hormonal shifts after a baby is born that doesn't necessarily reregulate all by themselves. It is loads. And I just love that there's a conversation around investigating it because we are waiting for too long.
Yeah, like like you said then about like imposter syndrome. So I felt like it was like, you know, you've been so excited about this, like, you know, would not talk about. And I was like, no way. I'm not talking about this to anybody. Like no one.
I couldn't tell anyone except my mom and and. Like I tell my best friend after like a month before I find out I was pregnant, so it was that long of me being upset about something and that kind of taking over my mind really did take over my mind. And. And then when I told her she was like, you just weren't yourself for so long. She just she knew what she didn't know what was wrong with me. And she was like she was so lonely about us.
And but then, like, the next time I saw her, like, I was like, it's like you've got to be like you already told me, you know, you're pregnant. But see, I told a lot of people very, very early on this time because I was so excited and I felt like an imposter in a way to come on and talk about it, because I feel like I haven't experienced what other people have experienced. I haven't been through the hell that other people have.
And so I kind of felt like no, because other people have been through so much, so much and so much more than me that like a comedy. Come on. I don't feel like right. Talking about it because it's but then done. I was like like this is like when I realized that secondary infertility was so common and that like it affects so many people. And I touched on it one day just to my stories and go into it.
I anything I just said, you know, it took us a bit longer this time. I said something really simple and I got so many messages being like, what did you do? How did you get pregnant? So many people that obviously were in the same boat and kind of wondering, should I go to my doctor? Should I do anything? I should just keep trying, keep waiting. And I was like, oh, God. Like, maybe I should just, like, say that it wasn't straightforward this time and that, like, going to your doctor and just having a few simple tests, first of all, like that can show up something as simple as the fact that I wasn't ovulating.
Like just to find that out then at least reassured me I wasn't crazy because I felt crazy. Like every month I was of like. I'm pregnant, I feel sick. Oh, my God, and I like I thought I was imagining all these symptoms and I didn't have them and. And I was so hopeful every time, I never lost hope every month that I did test, I always thought, this is it. Like I never got to the stage locally that I was like, no, no, it's not going to be positive.
And and. And yeah, if I could just I just kind of felt like, you know, other people have bigger stories to talk about, fertility, gender kind of way. And mine is so small, but it's just something that. I want to touch on the kind of way and then even having Jessica Burke, the potential detective, to come on talk. I obviously didn't feel like I'm not a professional. I can't, you know, go on about this too much because I only know my own personal situation.
And I'm the amount that, you know, when I say I'm going to come on, do you and I are going to do a live or whatever. And people send in questions like this usually in a normal amount of questions that come in that time, the amount of questions that came in like I was unbelievable. And I was so upset, like just hearing what people were going through or had been through. And like, I just felt like I just need to just talk about it just to make people even if, like, I'm pregnant and I've been really lucky, like just to make people feel like there's other people out there.
And it is so common if we don't talk about, as you said, like your experience, you feel was like a mild issue in the grand scheme of kind of fertility issues. And therefore, like, you know, why do I have a right to come on and be like this is this is a problem for me. But if we don't even talk about the milestones, I will people have the confidence to talk about the big stuff. And even like forget about talking to the platform.
Forget about talking to follower's. Like, you didn't even want to talk to your mom. I know, like I felt like I was being a drama queen or something, saying, you know, like I'm telling my best friend I'm so nervous having her, which is so weird. Like, I just was like, you know, I've been trying for four months and I'm not ovulating. Like, I've been into fertility consultant and I've been having tests and everything.
And she was like, no way. Like, she was so lovely about it. But I just kind of felt like a drama queen talking about each other kind of way. Like, I don't know, like I just felt uncomfortable talking about it, to be honest. And then I also felt uncomfortable talking a bit uncomfortable talking about it because I'm still trying. So I kind of feel like if then people know, then you're trying and it's an added pressure.
Are people going to be racking your head being like, well, or like are they going to be looking at you having to drink or not having a drink or any other kind of way like? So I didn't want anyone to know that I was trying because I didn't want them to be looking out for us. And then obviously being online, I'd be getting asked constantly if I was pregnant and or like, have you any news for us? And I remember sharing a picture of me in a swimsuit.
And I remember I was in Iceland actually on it, an amazing press trip with an amazing group of girls. And that morning I took a pregnancy test before I went because it was the day it was day that I was like, I'm pregnant. I'm going to find out. I'm not going to go on this press tour, but it's going to be the best time ever. And I took the pregnancy test, wasn't pregnant and went on the trip.
And that day we went to the Blue Lagoon and I was wearing a swimsuit. And obviously, like we were all women. And we all most of us have had kids at that stage and we all didn't have abs like, you know, and I certainly didn't have abs. And when I had a bit of a belly, which like I kind of is normal.
And anyway, I got so many comments on the picture being like, how do you got news and some attacking a friend? Like, I was thinking the same thing. No.
And I was like, I think what kind of news I did. It took me a second to realize. And I was like, they ask me if I'm pregnant. I couldn't believe it. So I deleted all of them. And I was like, I don't even want this to start to be a discussion under this picture, like I don't even want to. So, um, so I, I, I couldn't believe it.
I ran from Iceland and people are asking me if I'm pregnant and like I've taken a pregnancy test that day. So I knew for a fact. No, Tyra, unfortunately, you're not pregnant. You just bloated. And so I remember telling the girls and luckily I was with a nice group of girls and I told them and they were like, oh, my God, that was so lovely. And so I came on. I talked about it when I got home after a few days, and I kind of had time to kind of be like, listen.
And I remember coming on being like nearly like a school teacher coming on my stories and I'm going to talk about something and I'm really pissed off. And you can never ask someone if they're pregnant. It's just you can never ask that. Like, it's just not an OK question to ask because you just don't know if they if they want to be pregnant, if they're trying to get pregnant, if they've just had a miscarriage. Like, there's just so many reasons why you shouldn't wait for them to tell you when they're ready.
And so even when I said that's God, like the amount of messages that I got from people being like, oh my God, like, thank you so much for saying this, like hoping someone will listen and think twice the next time. Like, I had a miscarriage last month and I was bloated or whatever. And I was asked had I news and things like that, people to speak to such horrible situations and people just not thinking before they speak, like you can kind of forgive it from the random and that you see at a wedding.
Yes. Once every ten years. But I'm still so surprised to hear that, like women of our age who and maybe it goes back to the fact that they don't know that so many women are experiencing problems because they're not hearing it from their friends and not hearing it from their sisters.
And they just assume, hey, there's Tara, she's got Jane. Everything is cool. I can say that.
Yeah. Yeah. And I think about obviously from being online and having a following and sharing stuff. I kind of do think sometimes people.
Might take away the human element sometimes when they're scrolling through and just see a person and I'm just a person sometimes to people that kind a person, but like, you know, that like, oh, she has a bit of a fanny.
And then they have a conversation underneath the picture thinking, I don't see that because she doesn't bother me. Sure. She's not going to see this on this chat to my friend Sarah about her family. But I obviously I do notice I'm not like Beyonce. I see everything on my social media. So if someone's having a conversation about me, I'm going to see it so and so. I just kind of wants to be like, just please think before you speak.
Like, it's not a question that you should ever ask. How did it change how you felt about it all when you did talk about us?
I was I have never been more nervous. It was like coming on to do this podcast, doing the lives with Jessica. I was so nervous. I nearly said, actually, you know, I don't feel well, I could maybe postpone this. And because I again, I just felt like an imposter kind of thing or I kind of felt like just anxious talking about us and. But then when I did talk about it with her and her sharing so much amazing information and invaluable information with people and people thanking her for coming on, I got so many messages afterwards and people thanking me for letting her come on, because I think if you're worried about something, if you have any control, like if you can go and get a blood test or you can go and get something done or something checked, you know, you feel instantly less worried or more like better about yourself because you're being proactive and you're kind of grabbing the situation with your own hand and looking into it instead of kind of just leaving it and worrying and kind of saying, I'll just let some time pass and see if I'm real proactive person.
So I kept going to the doctor being like, is there anything I can do? Like, I just feel like there's something wrong. And then she let me get my thoughts, like probably earlier than normally people would have. And because I to I just need it because once I looked it up and everything I knew, we can get this test done, check remobilization, we can check my progesterone, we could check all these things. And you can do it, can't you.
Can you please do so. And so I kind of felt so good being proactive about it and trying to get to the bottom of this and getting answers then and and then being able to say it's time. No, no, actually, I'm not crazy. I know you think I'm actually insane, but I'm not operating. So we could keep trying for the rest of my life. But until I occulus, I'm not going to get pregnant. So and so I felt like upset in one way that there was something actually that was hindering us getting pregnant.
But then I felt really bad that actually, you know, there is an issue and now we can start working on fixing it.
You know, information is power. And yet, you know, if you if you're literally shooting in the dark, like you don't know you don't know what's wrong. And that's where your mind will spiral and you'll start imagining all sorts. Whereas at least if you just have black and white, OK, brilliant. There is a problem and I know what it is and now I know what I can do about it because it's only by taking action can we step forward of that anxious, paralyzed state.
Yeah. And more and more of these conversations, I'm so I'm just always and I'm the same like. But I'm still surprised how little we are taught, how little we know, how little it's such an important part of our bodies. It's such an important part. Life without us. Guess what? People don't get born like survival of our race doesn't happen. And want to know what someone said. When I did the life, someone commented we call them what is good about her not to get.
Yeah. You know how not to get pregnant. And then like. But we're not we're not necessarily you know, I did hear that afterwards, that it's much better nowadays. But obviously from my own experience in school, like it wasn't like we haven't a fatality or struggles or that was never something we ever heard about.
Was it a relief for you, though, personally? Did you feel like the anxiety lifted when you spoke to your friend, when you spoke to your mom, when it was just within your within your private circle, that it that you could just say the thing that had been rattling around in your head all this time?
Yeah, like when when I kind of like I said, I kind of felt like I was being a drama queen. And then when the doctor said to me, you're not ablazing you're progesterones low. Like, you know, you're going to have to go to a fertility consultant. Then I felt, OK, well, I'm not crazy. So that was the first good thing. Then I kind of felt more comfortable telling people because I was like, I'm not trying to get pregnant.
And like, it's not working at first is actually an issue that, like, I need a bit of help with here. And so I kind of felt like when I told my best friend, like. I kind of feel like more free to talk to her in general, because I think I was holding things back because it was such a big part of my year for me, like, you know, it was something that really played on my mind for the whole year.
And so, yeah, telling her about it. And she was just so happy about it. And she she knew someone, you know, that I'd struggle to get pregnant. And we talked about that. And then we had a whole chat about it in general. So like it was great with the chat we'd never had in our lives as two women in their 30s. And then and my sister, obviously, she's three three daughters and like I told her and then when I told her I was pregnant, she was falling because she knew, obviously, that it meant so much and.
And yeah, I just like obviously talking to somebody is always going to make it a million times better, like, you know, and sometimes. You know, talking to somebody else, like, you know, I always talk to John about everything and but then talking about someone that, you know, someone different are getting a different perspective. Like it's just talking is is the best medicine really.
Even when you said that when you were on the trip in Iceland, you used to talk to the girls. They're like sometimes it is even it is easier to talk one step removed from the people that you love and that, you know, will carry this worry for you.
Yeah, like I that was a group of women. As I said, most of them, I think it was most of them had one or two babies.
And we were all around kind of similar age and they totally were like horrified. And I said people were asking if I was pregnant and I didn't tell them yesterday and I'm not pregnant. And so it was kind of nice talking to them. It was just nice to be honest about just being around women after kind of being upset, because I kind of got what I really thought I was pregnant and just to be around women.
And it's always nice to be chatting about women and things.
So lovely to hear that like there was a problem, a solution was found. And look, no pregnancy goes without anxiety. No pregnancy goes without like as we said, like, you just check every single time you go to the toilet, every time you're going in for a scan. I definitely felt braced for the bad news with a terrible like it's like and then obviously I couldn't have done it with me for my scans and like.
And it's like the first time I had gone on and done it was with me for all of that, I was glad it was going to be perfect.
Everything's great, but see you later. Bye in two seconds. But this time I'm like, I need to remember everything they say. And I it's so hard to take everything in when you're on your own. I know for myself, when I've gone in to a consultant or whatever, and to hear the result of anything or they're telling me something, I actually need to be listened to. I talk, listen, I'm like half listening and then half like already worrying and thinking, oh my God.
So like, it's so good to have somebody there, you know, to be actually taking it all. And it's like, I wish I was there because I know what you're like. You're like half listening in general. It's like when he was like, I know you're coming out and you're like, oh, what's she said?
He was like a terrible. And so I really should be going in recording.
It's like, you know, someone told me they do. I'm like, that's such a good idea. What did I do?
That's it is a good idea because we definitely remember what we feel. Yeah. So not necessarily the words, but you remember was it relief or was it worry. Yeah I know we don't walk out going like so like specifically here. Here's the situation. Look at going something's wrong.
Just like every time I go to the car like crying it's like oh god what do they say. I'm like it's sometimes it's not anything that bad but like it's just I think it's just an emotional experience. It makes me feel emotional.
Like when I leave I'm like half relieved. So I'm crying. I'm like, OK, babies, look, I'm good. Everything's the relief that I cry out because and then it's like if there was some little pain, any little thing, you're like, oh, Jesus, is that like a big thing?
You're the kind of way like I know like it's just an emotional roller coaster. And like Daniel, it's like, oh my God, you like this.
I can see, like, he come out, wait for the baby to come because I can only imagine what I would like to live with this year, like between trying to get pregnant and like being emotional about that and then being pregnant, being delighted, then being the production of and then actually up and down the whole time we've had very, very, very similar years.
But this year has been a challenge for all of us.
I'm six weeks on the other side now and like it all matters. All of those days, crying and worrying mattered. All of those days spent hoping and worrying and checking toilet paper and freaking out, walking into hospitals and even freaking out, walking in to give birth. And all the time my partner with me can not be with me on. I'm really, really, really lucky that it has worked out. And I love hearing your situation of someone who took action and who found out.
And it is working out.
I feel so lucky that it's worked out for us and we were so lucky, obviously, to get pregnant very quickly once we started getting help. And so then I kind of felt like I could talk about this because I've been so lucky and, you know, I know how hard it is for other people and it takes years and years.
And they go through the mail and like as much as I feel, obviously everyone has their own experiences in life. And to them it's a huge deal. But then they hear other people's stories.
They're like, oh, my God, like they've been through so much. I'm so lucky, really.
But then I suppose we have to also remember we were allowed to be obsessed in our own lives about things, no matter how big or small, because, you know, it really did emotionally get to me so much more than I could have ever imagined.
Well, thank you for sharing your worries with us, because you shared the word halved. And it is really important. And I don't want you to to underestimate what you've done because it is incredibly important. You weren't being dramatic. You weren't being, you know, an imposter. This is this is stuff that is happening to women all the time. Unless we just start talking about it, more women won't take those steps. And we'll have to take those actions and we'll we'll stay feeling upset and worried and locked in their heads us.
So I do like let this sink in. You have done a brilliant thing for women.
I just hope that if there is anybody listening that is trying and they're feeling like a little bit anxious that maybe there's a problem or it's not happening quick enough or whatever. And just to. Keep the hope, keep the faith and and to be proactive and go to your doctor and see if there are some answers that need to be answered and hopefully getting some answers and being able to then.
Try and try and fix them, and luckily, the one solution for me no, it's I've been very, very lucky. Well, I wish you every every bit of luck and the next six weeks or so, and hopefully this rebirth will be just as magnificent as you described, James and I thoroughly enjoyed this conversation. I can't thank you enough for coming on and for sharing it with us. And as I said, I know that you definitely helped so many people.
So thank you so much. All right.
Thank you so much for listening, and that's it for Season three, sponsored by Water Pipes, 10 Episodes 10 Conversations with Ten Incredible Women.
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