Okay, Ben, true or false? Women's body care products are always much fancier and nicer than men's. Oh, that is false. What? Sorry, Much. It's just not true anymore because men have the body care brand Jack Black. And this episode of Hilde the Barback is sponsored by Jack Black, the grooming brand, not the actor. Jack Black offers a complete line of men's grooming products, from face cleansers to moisturizers to beard care. Whether you've got a hard core skincare routine or are just starting out, Jack Black makes it easy to look good, feel good, and stay fresh. Oh, is that why you've been smelling like cardamom and cedarwood? Yes, yes it is. That's just my Black Reserve Body and Hair Cleanser. Oh, Black Reserve. Who's this fancy guy I'm married to? I'm very fancy. This holiday season, if you want simple, effective products that your significant other will love, you need Jack Black. Head to getjackblack. Com/hilde and use code Hilde for 10% off your order. Once again, that's getjackblack. Com/hilde for 10% off. And make sure you use our promo code, Hilde, so they know we sent you. Hi, I'm Rosh Ms. Ajani, founder of Girls Who Code.

Look, I'd consider myself a pretty successful adult woman. I've written books, founded two successful nonprofits, and I'm raising two incredible kids. But here's the thing. I still wake up wondering, Is this it? And if the best years are yet to come, when's that going to start? Join me on my My So-Called Midlife, my new podcast with Lemonada Media, where we're building a playbook for navigating midlife, one episode at a time. Each week, I'll chat with extraordinary guests who've transformed their midlife crisis into opportunities for growth and newfound purpose. At some point, we all ask ourselves, Is there more to life? I'm here to discover how to thrive in my second act, right alongside you. My so-called Midlife is out now, wherever you get your podcast. Lemonada. This is Glenn Close. The Golgaroth Alliance is proud to present Hilde the Barback and the Lake of Fire. This presentation is brought to you by Theater of the Mind. Chapter One, The beginning. Many ages ago, there was a verdant green land named Golgarath. It was a land full of magic, legend, and high adventure. From time immemorial, the tales of Golgarath featured heroes who were... How do I say this?

They were all dudes. But in the year 361, in the waning years of the Olaroo, a new hero found her voice. She was unparalleled in her sense of integrity and justice. She was also a barback. Her name was Hilde. My name is Hilde. I am a barback at a medieval pub with peasants galore and piss on the floor. I long for something more, we are in peril. From the evil one who's soul desires to turn my shire into a lake of fire. The men folk say they'll protect me, but they would fuck up a cup of coffee. It's got to be me. I must set us all free. It's my destiny. My name is Hilde, and I'm forging in as a lake of fire. My name is Hilde. The fireback. We begin our tale in the quiet village of Meervale, at the Shady Cockerol, a quaint pub that has been in Hilde's family for generations. Our hero, Hilde's family for generations. Our hero, Hilde's family for generations. Our hero, Hilde, visited by her friends, Gerd, Perda, and Mirabelle. But Hilde is currently unable to enjoy their company as she's busy trying to settle an argument between two dim-witted patrons of the pub.

I say that the sky is light blue. I say the sky is sky blue. I said the sky is sky blue. Yeah, sky blue. Gents, please unclench your moist meat paws. You know good and well, there's no fighting in the pub. Also, you But say the word of what the color is when you say what it's describing. It's like saying the frog is frog green. This is Perda, a merchant, cunning and wise. Frogs are not green. They're olive. No, they're Heal. Heal that. No, heal this time. You can't. Mirabelle, can't you put a spell of forgetfulness on them or something? Sorry, mate. That's a super hard spell to execute. I've been working on it, but every time I try, something really ominous happens. This is Mirabelle, an eccentric alchemist and sorcerous in training. Should I decimate these bags of fecal pooping with my warhammer Hilde, my very best friend? This is Gerd, a half-giant, powerful and loyal friend to Hilde. No, Gerd. No, You should not. Thank you, but I will handle this. Hey, half-giant. I'm arguing with my friend here. You women folk, hey, best be quiet. Hilde here. Judging by your breath, gentleman, which I I don't actually mean, I still am quite confident that you do evacuate your bowels through your mouth.

How dare you winch. Oh, there we go, winch. That's the magic word. Anyone who says it gets a...Pie of meat?No.Foot massage.Pie what?No pony. Not today, but you do get a dick punch. You get another dick punch. You get a dick punch, too. Guess what? Because I've got a special running today where you get a third dick punch. Oh, good. Would you mind taking out the trash? Yeah, I'll take them out like yesterday's bags of trash. Hearing the commotion, Hilde's brother, Fennic, rushes in from the back office. Fennic is slow and lazy, and yet was given ownership of the bar upon their parents' death instead of Hilde because, patriarchy. So Hilde actually runs the bar while Now, Fennic does whatever the hell it is that he does. Gert. Gert, unhandle those fine men. They're paying customers. They've been banished, Fennic. They haven't paid their bill in months, and they're fighting about colors again. I've given them each a multitude of warnings, so no. Or, yes, I say they're not banished, and I'm the owner of the Shady Cockerol. Yeah. Okay, indeed, you are technically the owner of the bar, Fennic, because women cannot own taverns in this insane bullshit age.

Right. I That's what I just said. If you say it again, you will no longer possess the penis that is currently ruining your under shorts. What? If you test me, brother, I will burn you until you're dead, and then I'm going to bury you alive. Ewy. Yeah. That doesn't make any sense. I think it does because first I'm going to kill you by burning you. Then I'm going to bring you back to life just so I can shop you up again. A little bit of mulch, throw you the animals, have the animals eat you. Then I'm going to have the animals shit you back out. Then I'm going to put a nice little rope around that area, and that's going to be the Shady Cocker's new restroom. Just don't let Yannick, the drunkard-Only Yannick. Only Yannick. It's going to be his personal place to do what he does, and you know what he can do to a chamber pot. Takes the finish off. Well, after a consult, with my sister and as the proprietor of this establishment, they are banished. Girl, throw them out. You got it, pheasant. You know my name is Fenn. Okay, that's done.

I'm going I'm going to go to my office now and... No, don't do the thing you do. Hey, everybody, drinks are on me. Never a good idea. I explain it to you, then you get it, and you forget, you do it again. I want people to like me. Maybe you should think about trying to work on your personality then. I don't want to do that. Oh, my God, it's a goerlok. What is a goerlok doing in my tavern? A goerlok is a small humanoid creature, similar to a goblin, but with slightly better breath. Get behind me all as I raise my warhammer. No, no, no, no, wait. Lower your mighty warhammer, Gerd. Unless my eyes deceive me, I I know this, Gorlok. And lo, Hildi did, in fact, know this, Gorlok. And upon looking more closely, she can decipher that he's bleeding from many arrows. I am bleeding from many arrows. Mirabelle, is there a spell that can help him. No, Hildi. This poor creature is beyond my aid. Here, friend, have some potion for comfort. Yes. That tastes just terrible. Okay, so this one has got no healing qualities. It's just supposed to taste good.

Well, it's awful. It's somehow bitter, yet cloyingly sweet. The finish is almost mind bogglingly terrifying. Thank you so much for that feedback. Mirabelle, you You got to get a handle on your potion. As I die, sweet Hildi, do you remember when we'd play together as children in the sands? Sand? Yes, the sand. Yes, yes. I was just recalling. We'd play in as children. Yes. Sandy Sand. You were my best friend. Oh. My only friend. Oh, Jesus. Sure. Yeah, that's You definitely remember that, friend. I've come to warn you. The morelets are coming. Oh, morelets. This is not good. Morilets, by the by, are ruined creatures of pure evil. They're taller than men with claws like iron and cold black eyes. They've served the dark masters of Golgarath since before the beginning. I scout these lands and I saw them, the Morilets are at least 100 strong. They seek the Dread Agis. The Dread Agis, also known as the armor of doom. There are five separate pieces, the Helm of Magic, the Gauntlet of Might, the boots of destiny, the sword of power, and the scabbard of fate. After the elves, humans and good creatures of the ancient times banded together and defeated Gathlamor, the evil one...

How? It still hurts so much. They hid each of the five separate pieces of the Dread Ages in five different places, strewn far and wide across Golgarath, where they believed no one could find them. But now, evil is rising. Someone, someone wants to put the five pieces back together again and rule all. Hildi. I always thought that someday we'd be married Oh, yes, yes. We both thought it so many times. I thought about that so many times. We dreamed. I did dream of that. I thought that, too, a bunch of times, my dear friend who I definitely, definitely remember from when we were children-Innocent, innocent.innocent, playing on the sand.Yes, let me song.with the sand. Before I die, let me hear you whisper my name. Fuck. Do you know his name? No. Do you? No, I don't know his name. Is he maybe a John or a-It could be a John, could be a Luscious or Lucius. Okay. I thank you for the warning. Sleep, the sleep of the gallon. Sweet. Sweet Lucius. Thank you. Wait, who the fuck is Lucius? Oh, shit. Hilde the Barback in the Lake of Fire sponsored by Betterhelp. Being in a show like Hilde the Barback is honestly the greatest job in the world.

I mean, what could be better than pretending to live in a faraway land where you just sword fight and drink ale all the time? I guess having a job where you actually drink ale all the time would be better. Or being a professional pie taster would be fun, or puppy petter. Is that a job? But even when you love your job as much as I do, happiness isn't always guaranteed. I found that often the best thing you could do to get your life back in the happiness zone is to find a good therapist. Therapy can help you work through your negative thoughts and let you regain your confidence and embrace who you really are. And finding a therapist that is right for you has never been easier. Betterhelp can connect you with qualified mental health professionals who are entirely online, and the whole experience is designed to be convenient and flexible and suited to your schedule. Visit betterhelp. Com/hildi today and get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P. Com/hildi. We have two dogs in our house. We have a Betty and we have a Harper. And They're both Golden Retrievers, but they are two very different creatures.

Harper is quite handsome, and he knows it. It's like living with a supermodel. He always seems to pose in the perfect light to show off a shiny code, and the wind is always gently blowing his hair, so he looks majestic and regal. I don't know where the wind comes from half the time, but it just always seems to be there. Now, Betty is also a very good-looking dog, but she's not a show off like her brother. Betty freezes into a room like she owns the place. She's maybe half the size of Harper, but she definitely calls the shots. It's like she's a member of some royal family, and Harper is her gorgeous bodyguard. And while Harper is desperate for attention, Betty is pretty laid back. If you want to pet her great, if you don't want to pet her great, she's cool either way. Betty and Harper definitely have our entire family wrapped around their little fingers or paws, whatever you'd say. So they have a pretty great, but somehow their lives have even gotten better since they've been eating Maeve raw food for dogs, spelled M-A-E-V. Maeve is made with real human-grade ingredients that you can name just by looking at them.

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That's love, L-O-V-E, the number 2, P-L-A-Y. Com. Find excitement in every day with Love to Play. Later that evening in the center of town, the citizens of Mearvale hold a meeting with the Council of the Seven Village elders who are all dudes. And much to Hilde's chagrin, her idiot brother, Finnick, is the leader of the council. Even though Morliths attack from time to time, as we all know, they have never attacked our village in numbers. Yet now 100 Morliths are coming? For what reason? Esteemed guests, we do not know. We do know they're seeking one of the pieces of the dread Ages. The Gorlok literally just told us that in great specific detail. Yeah, I didn't get all that. Gentlemen of the Council of the elders seven, what say you? Wait, wait, wait. Listen, why don't we just send Mirabelle's Raven out to see what they're actually up to? This way we can better plan our defenses. My Raven, Wondrith, is quite a fast flyer, and though she only speaks in song, she is very efficient. I speak only in song. The day is long. How can this be wrong? Honestly, that bird creeps everyone out, Mirabelle.

It really does. Also, also, her songs barely have any rimes. Have you ever heard of a Rime Scheme, Raven? A, A, B, B, B, A, what rhyme would you like today? Gentlemen, irregardless of my respected sister's statement, I believe that we need to march forth and meet these moreliths head-off. You're not. Hey, wait, wait. The Gorlok said, there are a hundred more of us headed towards us. And your solution is to take seven men and ride straight at them? Oh, Hilde, Hilde, Hilde, my simple, sweet younger sister who I love with all of my heart. You just don't get it. Sometimes, as a man, you You need to put on some armor, mount your horse. You don't. And go into battle to kick some fucking ass. Men, please, please listen to me. Don't do this. We can make a better plan. At least you could take Gird with you. Are you mad? She could defeat all seven of you in one battle. No big. I'm strong indeed, but not stupid enough to go fight 100 more less with these soon-to-be dead idiots. What's your tongue, half-giant? Listen, I know we've had our differences, and I know that recently I may have threatened to kill you.

Repeatedly. Well, you deserved it. But you're also my brother, and I do love you. If anyone's going to kill you, it should be me. So I'm asking you, please don't go. I must. We will return in victory. And then free drinks of the Shady Cockroll for everyone forever. Men, two battles. Finnec leads the charge of the seven brave fools as they galloped up the hillside. If only they had heeded Hilde's warning, perhaps Mirabelle's Raven, Wandereth, would have seen that the Moralets were not alone as they charged westward towards Mirabelle. No, they were led by a mighty oer dragon, far from its home in Shah Adu. It is a size of 30 horses with mighty wings, razor talons, and a breath of flame. The dragon sits on his rocky throne on the mountaintop in quiet repose. He gazes out into the night at his earthly realm. His eyes aglow, and you bravely the rock face. With your sword of iron and your armor gleaming to bravely face the beast. All the towns folk look up from below and say, Are you fucking stupid? Why would you ever fuck with a dragon you dead wish having more on.

Have you never read a storybook? I'd like it to secret. First, he's going to bat you in hot fire, and then he's going to swallow you whole, and he's going to shit you into a volcano. All of this could have been avoided. But you, where the You are the fool. Who thought he could fuck with a dragon. You are the fool. Who thought he could fuck with a dragon. Stupid, stupid asshole. Spark something uncommon this holiday season with incredible handpicked gifts from Uncommon Goods. Is there anything better than giving the perfect gift, handing somebody a beautifully wrapped box with something in it that you know they are going to love, but then sometimes they take too long to unwrap it and you're like, Okay, let's go. Pick up the pace. Then you all start thinking, if they knew that the gift that they were holding was from Uncommon Goods, it would not be dilly dillying, but I digress. Because Uncommon Goods scours the globe for original, handmade, and absolutely remarkable things. There might be a Book Lovers' advent calendar in that box or an adorable sweater with a picture of their own dog on it.

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Into the cockerel. Put the kids and caregivers into the back room. No You're not pushing or shoving, please. Can you please help me brace the door? Hilde, my very best friend. I see so many moorlets marching in such an evil manner. A large moorlet The leader named Morlar the Strong leads the charge. Leave none of them alive. We shall drink their deliciously yummy blood. Hildi, they're close now. What do we do for his best friend? First thing we're going to do is we're going to pray to Balthazar with our left hand, and then we're going to kick a little ass with our right. That's cool. Very best friend. That sounded really cool. Thank you. I felt good about it. I say, let them come for us. They'll find that the women of this village have sharper teeth than the men. No offense to the men, President, but we do need you to fight, too. But you're, you know, you're not great, usually. Look there upon the bar. There are swords and shields for everyone. Not you. You know who I'm talking to. Nicholas, put it down. There were only 25 townspeople in the Cockerol who were fit to draw weapons.

Not enough. The more or less enter the shady Cockerol. Morlar, the Strong, is in the lead. He looks disgustedly at the town folk led by Hilde and her friends. This will be easier than I thought. Just a bunch of women and a couple of really petite men. Give the word, captain. I want to drink blood. You know what we're here for? Uregral, the Horned One, seeks it. Give me what I seek, and I shall kill you quickly. I can't say I love that deal. Morliths, you may attack when ready and drink the blood of numerous babies. Hildi looks at Morlar the Strong. She wonders, what is he staring at behind the bar? Gerd is attacked and swarmed by Morliths. Warhammer. Warhammer. Why do you say Warhammer while you kill them? Well, friend, my mom used to say it when she would kill enemies with her Warhammer. Families, am I right? Kildi now wheels a sword in both hands. She stabs and dodges the ever-growing crowd of Morliths. Yet she notices that Morlar the Strong still isn't engaged in the fight. What's he doing? He's looking at that old scabber we had hanging back there behind the bar forever.

What's a scabber again, best friend? It's the sheath or the sword. Purta, I need your speed. Don't let him grab it. Purta gracefully leaps towards the scabber, grabbing it seven weeks before Morlar the Strong can clutch it in his huge ugly hands. He'll be catch. Got it. You stole what is mine. Now you die. Not today, because I'm really, really fast. Perda jumps away seconds before Morlar's Mighty Mace can smash her head. Warhammer. Gird on your left. Gird looks to her left, and there are just too many moorlets to fight at once. Oh, no. Gird, thinking she has just been given a death blow, sees that what she thought was a moorlet landing a strike to her mighty chest was really purta underneath a moorlet, and she's just sunk a dagger into his unholy scrotum. Okay, you are now my second best friend. Hell, yes. The one with the hammer is strong, my lord. Warhammer. Warhammer. Second wave. As the rest of the moorlets heed the call for the second wave to enter the Shady Cockerol, they are met by a curious sight in the street outside the tavern. What is that? What's that? It's a woman.

What's that on its face? It's a gas mask, mate. Mirabelle steadies herself, then closes the door to the Cockerol. Kill her. It's funny, really, because I was trying to create a natural facial cleanser, and what I created by accident is actually the deadliest potion known to womankind. As much as I hate to kill so many of anything, well, you're all unspeakably evil. So bye-bye, mates. Mirabelle smashes the crystals to the ground, releasing the dreadful poison into the air. Keep that door closed inside. This is seriously wicked stuff, and also it's a really horrible exfoliator. Morlaugh is strong. Face me. Oh, I shall. I have the wonderful good fortune to end your life today, and Oorgar, the horned one, shall reassoy. Assemble the pieces of the dread Ages, and all Golgaroth shall bend to his will. Morlar, our battle will live on in legend. The birds will sing of this clap. More hammers. Gird strikes a mighty blow upon Morlar, the Strong, smashing his head into a million pieces. Oh, Gird. I was going to kill him. I had a whole plan. Upon seeing their fierce leader killed, the rest of the Morliffs flee like rats.

We've won. We've won the battle. Um, Al? Wait, what happened? Morlar stabbed me A little bit. Mirabelle, get in here. I can't. The air outside is still poison. Luckily, you're inside with the door closed, so no poison can reach you as it dissipates into the Golgarathian atmosphere. Kurt, you're going to be okay. You're going to be I've heard it grab the cloth off the bar. No, not that one. The clean one. Am I dying? Very best friend. Am I dying? Very best friend. Let me look. Let me Oh, thank the gods, no. You're going to have quite a scar, but you'll live, especially if Mirabelle can give you a potion that's worth a shit. I'm going to come inside in 10, 9, 8. This doesn't seem like science. You're just randomly counting down from 10 saying it's safe. 3, 2, 1. And you skipped four numbers. Here I come. Mirabelle rushes in to the tavern. Good. Oh, my sweet good. Just a second, mate. Let me give you some potion. I should I'll tell you, Mirabelle, that I've always loved you, my second or now third best friend. But I wish you were my first best girlfriend.

Oh. Well, that's lovely. Okay, confession time. I've always hoped that you'd fancied me, but you're not going to die, okay? Here, drink this. Wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait. Are you sure that that's the right potion? Of course I am. Oh, wait. Oh, actually, no, no, don't drink that. Do not drink that. Damn it, Maribel, always double-check. We've been through this, please. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, you're right. I know. I'm so glad that you said something, Hilde. She would have been a goner for sure if she drunk that, and then I'd be out of a new girlfriend. This one is the right one. Bird takes a sip of the potion, and it tastes slightly less horrific than Mirabelle's usual potions. You are so brave. Let me kiss your cheek. Mirabelle does kiss Gurd's cheek, and whether it is because the potion actually has healing or perhaps the kiss from a new girlfriend. Color flushes back to her mighty cheeks. Wow. If I hadn't been so recently stabbed, I would call this day Perfect. Hey, goodness. It looks like you're going to be okay. I have to be honest. I don't think I could handle any more surprises today.

With that, footsteps approach them. Hi, Hildi. What did I miss? Fennic? You're alive. It's got to be me. I must set us all free. It's my destiny. My name is Hilde, and I'm fortunate in it as a name of fire. My name is Hylby. The Barbeck. Why, hello there. This is your pal, Sarah Silverman. You know the stand-up comic that's not afraid of a diarrhea joke? Oh my God, I'm so brave. I hope you're enjoying this podcast that you're listening to. I am just dropping in here to let you know about another podcast I think you'd like, and it's called the Sarah Silverman podcast. Each week, listeners from all over the world call in and they ask me for advice or they talk about something going on in their life, anything. Their silliest, grossest, deepest, darkest situations. And then I respond, whether I'm qualified to or not. Go ahead, search for the Sarah Silverman podcast wherever you get your podcast. Bye. Hi, I'm Alicia Haley. And I'm Kate Manig. 20 years ago, we met plain best friends on the set of the TV show, The L-word, which quickly morphed into us being actual best friends for the rest of our lives.

Truly, it feels like we're an old married couple, but with fewer cats, although we each have a number of cats in our lives, and we're pretty much inseparable and have more or less zero boundaries. Hence, why we named our podcast Pants, because at this point, you can't have one leg without the other. And each week, we catch up with each other on the big and small things going on in our lives, which then leads to much oversharing and little left to the imagination, whether it's sex or therapy or money fears. Literally nothing is off the table in terms of discussion topics. And we also like to talk about that wild ride that was the L word, the genesis of our friendship. And Pants out now, wherever you get your podcasts from Lemonada Media.