This podcast is brought to you by Send the vote, folks. Election Day is coming up on November fifth, and there's a website, sendthevote. Org/tony, that makes registering to vote easy. All you have to do is head over to sendthevote. Org/tony, and they'll help you sign up, register, and check if you're all set. You can also text Tony to 3-3-0-2. That's 3-3-0-2. To learn more, that's T-O-N-Y to 3-3-0-2. Thanks to Send the vote for sponsoring this podcast. When it comes to seeking fertility treatment, time can be of the essence. At Beacon Care Fertility, we are proud to offer prompt access to affordable fertility care. With over 60,000 babies born across our fertility clinic network, we have both the science and the expertise to deliver. We offer convenient payment plans and are partnered with VHI and Leia. Beacon Care Fertility, where science meets life. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad. Tv, and now on Spotify and Apple podcast. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliff's website, go to tonyhinchcliff. Com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliff.

Com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to deathsquad. Tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Coming to you live from the Comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony E. E. E. E. E Who's ready for the best fucking Monday night of their lives? Yeah, baby. Oh, my goodness. Mama, we made it. You are here. You guys did it. You're here. This is the number one live podcast in the World Kill, Tony, brought to you this week by Hello Fresh and Mando. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. We've been doing this a long time. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? On the horns, the great Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raúl Valejo, and Michael González on the drums. Over here, we have Matt Muling on the electric guitar, playing a brand new guitar, thanks to John Page Classic and the leader of the band, an undeniable force. This is the great John B. 'S on the keys, everybody.

Deep Madness is playing by himself at another venue that nobody knows about because he's blind. You know what I'm saying? We have a fun show lined up for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx. Com for tickets. This podcast is brought to you by Send the vote, folks. Election Day is coming up on November fifth, and there's a website, sendthevote. Org/tony, that makes registering to vote easy. All you have to do is head over to sendthevote. Org/tony, and they'll help you sign up, register, and check if you're all set. You can also text Tony to 3-3-0-2. That's 3-3-0-2. To learn more, that's T-O-N-Y to 3-3-0-2. Thanks to Send the vote for sponsoring this podcast. Are you guys ready for the best fucking show you've ever seen? Here we go. Anything can happen. I lined up two of the funiest guests that we've ever had on this show, two of the funiest guests in the world, two of my favorite comedians, legends of New York.

Here quite often because Austin is the new Comedy Capital of the world. Ladies and gentlemen, your guests tonight, two of the greatest. Make some noise for Chris DiStefano and Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa. Oh, yeah, baby. 226 signups, and two of my My favorite guests of all time. What's up, Chris? Hello. How are you doing? Feeling good? Absolutely. Absolutely. You look good? We're going to have some fucking fun tonight. Yeah, beautiful crowd. There it is. Great hat. This guy wearing a fucking Gucci bucket hat. I know, dude. You really look like an idiot. It's unbelievable. But it's good. You're owning it, and it's about confidence. Yeah, dude. No, don't pull it down. It makes it worse. But it's good. Good for you. That is an incredible hat. Joe Dressel, what do you I'm not even thinking about how dumb this fucking guy looks? What do the GGs on it stand for? Wow, you're so poor and cheap. It stands for the GGs stands for gay guy. That's how I know what it means. Wait, what does the GGs stand for? Gucci. Gucci, Bobby. You fucking free T-shirt wearing motherfucker. You bought that? I like that you're wearing the thing your dad bought you at the game.

No fucking start. We just got out here. Oh, Michael's playing those drums. He did not like me saying he just works out and plays the drums. One joke on Tony just… You angry little fucking Mexican bastard. Look at this fucking bad boy burrito back here. Jesus Christ. Fucking spicy quesadilla tonight, huh? All right. Fucking unbelievable. Oh, your dad bought you a shirt. Michael just... Shut the fuck up back there, you motherfucking... It's like a Tommy Lee solo. I made a joke about Michael during the commercial break, and he's getting his revenge over here. I got my eyes on you, dude. All right, 226 signups tonight. The show is absolutely control. They're all waiting in a bar across the street. I pre-pull a name, and one of our lovely, lovely human beings goes and wrangles them from the bar across the street. In the meanwhile, you know how it works. If I bring them up, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. Their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Fans of the kitten here tonight.

Oh, it's Heidi. Heidi came up. I was wondering why the The cat got a standing ovation in the room. I was wondering why all the guys have boners. Wasn't the sound of it. I thought you guys were just diehard fans of the show, popping for the cat, but it turns out it was a pussy. All right. While we wrangle our first bucket pool from across the street, ladies and gentlemen, we have an amazing golden ticket winner who we've watched grow on the show for about, jeez Louise, five or six years. We originally found him in Houston, Texas when he was just a very young buck. Here with a brand new minute, getting the stand-up comedy portion of the show started, this is a brand new minute from Golden Ticket Winner, the adorable and likable and lovely, Make Some Noise for Enrique Chacone, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Yo, what's up, motherfuckers? How are we feeling tonight? Hell, yeah, man. I had to stop driving Uber Eats because I started abusing my own supply. Hands the way game. If I'm your Uber Eats driver and I've been dropping off McDonald's at your shitty college campus and you're only tipping me 86 cents, I'm sorry, bro, but I will put my dick in your fish sandwich, dude.

At that point, that ain't tartar sauce anymore. That's Tresleches now. You wondering why the McDonald's tastes so good this week? Where's this new recipe coming from? Oh, it's coming. It's coming from south of the border, bitch. But yeah, man, this is how I knew I got fat from Uber. I knew I got fat because my girlfriend, she spontaneously started sucking my titties in the bedroom, bro. Big guys, anybody else get their titties sucked, dude? Man, dude, she started sucking my titties so good, bro. And ladies, I understand now. I was trying so hard not to moan. And then she really started sucking, bro. And I turned a little farm animal. And I never come so much in my life. You all, thank you. Enrique Chacón with a pretty fucking disgusting set. I'm nasty like that, man. Coming with your titties getting sucked on, nutting on someone's fish sandwich. Chris looks like he's into it, bro. He keeps fucking nodding. 100%, dude. Latinos, I'm in. Oh, bro. Just How do you know I am a man? You know what I mean? You look like Elliott Page if he was fat Mexican. You know what? I'm so illegal.

I don't know who the fuck that is, but I'll receive it, dude. Fucking transphobe. Joe, they're rolling. You drive, you work for Uber Eats. You look like you eat Ubers. Bro, dude, I was abusing by Uber Eats order, Joe. Joe, you look like the stepdad that sent me to fat camp, bro. I don't know, dude. It feels a little hostile. But yeah, man, I'm a big fan, I used to do the secret group, and that's the club that I started in, bro.Oh, that's great, man.Yeah, man.Thank you for the compliment. Joe DeRosa.Yeah, Joe named it after his sexuality. Hey, you know what? I can't speak to that, bro, because I have a non-binary face, dude. I can't fucking speak to that shit. You really do? I remember Stella Alonso. Looks pretty binary to me. I bet there's been a lot of ones and zeros that said on that face. Nice. A smart binary joke. I mean, no big deal. Who's keeping track of... Who's keeping track of how I fuck it? You know what, dude? I'm an avid ass eater, bro. Fuck it, bro. Okay, what does that have to do with anything? I mean, no one even brought that up, but all right.

I was going to guess ass was one of the only things you didn't eat, but here we are. Clearly- Everything is on the menu, Tony. There's calories, a heavy caloric asshole you're eating out there. A lot, man. Because he wipes the sweat from his morbidly- At this point, this is a fucking prop, dude. Because it's wet, too. What? Yeah, exactly. Why is it a prop? Explain what you mean. Oh, like, dude, every time I do a punchline before the punchline, I wipe it, you know what I'm saying? And then I dropped the punchline, bro. Is that whole thing just soaked? Is the back as wet as the front? It's not as wet as my back, but you know what I'm saying? It's almost there, Tony. There you go. It's almost there, dude. You You took the ball and you ran with it, little Enrique, my little tiny baby boy. You know what I mean? Whenever you wipe the sweat off, does the crusted Cinnabon cream rehydrate? I'll save it to go and put it in my microwave later. Hell, yeah, dude. Oh, shit. It looks like you've been wiping your hairline off. I'm sorry, Jeff.

I'm sorry, though. I'm such a huge fan of you. I had to get one in. Oh, my God. I deserve that. I'll take it from the person this room was named after. The fat man. All these people came inside me. Oh, my God. You dirty little fucking Beach ball pitch. Enrique, you're a little wild boy. Yeah, man. Are you really doing Uber Eats now? Is that what's happening? I had to stop doing it. I did it for a week and I was like, Man, fuck this shit. Because I had some time before I hit the road on the weekend. But yeah, that's when I started doing it. You're just driving around, you're picking it, you smell the food, Enrique. You're driving around and you're smelling it. My weight gain is not my fault, dude. It's Uber Eats. You look good, though, dude. You look good. Yeah. What are you What are you talking? He doesn't... He's heying on himself. He's not fucking that bad. How old are you? 28. You're going to make it to... You'll make it to 30. Okay. He's not terrible. Hey, Chris, you sound like my Planet Fitness trainer, I know.

I know, dude. You look like a planet. Yeah, bro. All right. What do you do? Do you do anything to work out at all? Man, my ass has been sore all day, bro, but not because of any gay shit, dude. I've been biking, right? And dude, man, my taint is destroyed right now, bro. Why would that be? I don't know. The seat, man, something about the seat just makes my ass feel like a stromy, bro. What are you on a fucking unicycle? What are we talking about here? The seat of your car? No, I've just been biking. I've been biking like six miles, five miles a day. I'm just playing every other day, bro. I'm not biking six miles a day. That's incredible. But yeah, dude-I'd love to see those tires. Have you seen a Ford F-150 outside, bitch? Oh, my goodness. It's a low rider. But yeah, I was biking with my disabled friend. He has a bum knee, bro. He said we were going to do 15 miles. I was like, Fuck it. If he's disabled, I could do it. Hell, no. He beat me, man. He beat me. Dude, Stephen Hawken could beat you.

I'll fuck his ass off, bro. He's dead. Anything else crazy going on in life, Enrique? Yeah, man. Since I quit my job, I've been hitting the road pretty hard, so I booked out to December, so that's fucking good news, right? Look at you. Yeah, man. Just out here doing it, bro. Taking all these little clubs. I've been on the road with Heath Cordes and Rick Dias. I love it. Yeah, man. We have a few dates, but we Philadelphia last week, bro, and that shit was cool. We ran up the Rocky Steps, where Rocky was doing his shit. I was just playing. I didn't run it. Yeah, took the Rocky road. You son of a bitch. I know what I'm getting on my Uber Eats order later tonight, dude. Can I give you a tip of advice? For a man that sweats the way you do, wear one shirt. Hey, look, man, it's either sweat or titties, bro, and I don't see any dollar bills. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Do you live in around here? Yeah, I live in Austin. This weekend, I'm doing shows in Dallas. Do you want to do a spot on one of the shows?

Fuck, yeah, brother. You'll go to the spot. Look at that. Enrique. Look at that. Got a real gig out of it. Amazing stuff. There he goes, Enrique Chacone, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. All right. The show has begun. Someone just got a real spot at a real club this week. Second Sold out show with Chris DiStefano. That's it, man. How cool is that? Amazing. I'm going to do it, man. We're going to stock up the green room for him. We'll get him going. Absolutely. You're going to meet to that kid. What? You're going to meet to that? I know he does have a nice fat ass. It's a meetrice. Me too. Me-dose. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. To the bucket we go. Your first bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. This is where we meet someone altogether. Anything can happen. Could make them a star. They could embarrass themselves. They could be great. They could suck. Their minute might suck, but their interview could be great. Their minute could be great. Their interview might suck. Ladies and gentlemen, the whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night.

Emily Wade, everybody. A new minute from Emily Wade. What's Kill Tony. How are you doing tonight? My name's Emily Wade. I'm 26. My dad's 66. And recently, he married a Uganda mail order bride who's younger than me, which has been great for my mental health. Let me tell you that. Which is great for my mental health. Most people go to sleep at night. They count sheep. They count cows jumping over the moon. Me? I count the amount of times my dad's gotten sloppy from somebody who's still watching Spongebob on repeat. And I come every time. Let me tell you, he does all this shit for this bitch that he never did for me. He paid for her rent, he paid for her car, He paid for her college. I had to drop out twice because I couldn't afford to go back to school. If I had known that's all it would take, I'd have sucked the fuck out of my dad's dick years ago. Talk about a full fucking ride. Now, don't worry. My dad knows I do that joke. He actually came up to me after my said, he goes, Emily, I just want you to know everything you said tonight is absolutely true.

How would you feel about going back to college? I'm excited to announce I'll be starting at you two. Okay, the bear has come out. A full set, and then some from Emily Wade. Hello, Emily. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. How do you feel after that? I It shouldn't have stopped for 10 seconds, but it is what it is. You did do that, and there's nothing you can do to change that. That is incredible. It will live in history, and you're realizing it and still living in it right now. The same nervousness that happened that made that happen still exists right now to you.Oh, I'm in it.I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up, Emily? I've been doing comedy for a year. One year. Are you from here in Austin? I'm originally from Boston. I just moved here from Miami, Florida. It's Boston. Originally from Boston. You just named two places that nobody likes. Congratulations. Absolutely amazing. Amazing. What do you do for a living, Emily? I have a stand-up comedy podcast with my best friend called Two Girls, One Blunt podcast. Okay, there you go. For those of you that like unbelievable breaks of silence during your podcast, be sure to listen to that one.

Or you could listen to nothing. It's the same thing. Guys, what do you think about Emily? Actually, Emily, I thought the most important part of your… And I'm not being funny. I thought the most important part-We know. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. This guy calls me 30 minutes ago, goes, I'm in a jam. Can you please come down here for the show? I did not say I'm in a jam. You said you're in a pickle. Or that was up your ass. I come down, you shit all over me. I mean, what the fuck? That show, we're 10 minutes into the podcast. You can't have a whole meltdown already. Oh, this is the whole one. A fun fact, for those of you, there's no way you could know, but Joe and I drink together a few nights a week, and we have an outrageous amount of fun. Yes. Are we going to drink tonight a little bit? Yeah. Are we talking about having sex? It makes up for all the hurt. All the hurt goes away at the bar. No, I was going to say this. I actually thought the most important part of your set was when you did stop.

No, I'm serious. I'm very serious because it was you going, Fuck. You were like, No, fuck. You took a minute or 10 seconds for yourself. And that's important. As you grow as a comic, you'll learn how to do that and not show it as much to the audience. But that's important that you had that comfort level called nervousness, whatever, that you were able to go, You know what? No, fuck it. Hold on. Give me a second. I got to... You whatever. I I thought that was good.Thank you.And I think you have... Go ahead, clap. I also think that you have great premises, and this is advice somebody gave me once, and it changed the way I wrote. You have great premise. Yeah, the advice Joe got, and then he stopped doing comedy and opened up his sandwich shop. That was the advice. That was the advice. They were like, Please do something else. They're like, You know what you'd be better at? Cold cuts. I am this close to opening a hot dog stand. Fucking try me. I honestly thought... Perfect. I honestly, Emily, I thought... One year you've been doing it? Yeah. Yeah, I think like that, it's amazing for you to even come up and be able to do this and then to recover after you stop in recovery.

It was amazing. I really think you're awesome. Me and your dad would love to hang out with you after this. I'm trying to get into UT Austin, so let's fucking go. Let's do it. No, but I was going to say, you have these great premises with this real story. Don't go for the shock value, not true punch lines. Explore the truth of it, and there's a lot of really funny shit in there. You know what's crazy? Everybody says that, but I'm a 12-year-old boy at heart, and I think about sex all the time. So is that not my true? With your dad, that might be a problem. What? I don't know. I can't We can't get too deep. Jesus. I got hard and soft at the same time there. I'm a 12-year-old boy, and then what a crash after that. You know what I mean? Yeah, people tell you that. Comedians tell you that is what you're saying. Yes, sir. Comedians that are a lot more experienced than you and wildly successful, probably. Yes. I would listen to them. Maybe there's some truth to it. Let's talk real for a second about this Uganda woman that your father is...

Yeah, my stepmother. That's your stepmom. They got married. Wow. Yeah. Is she... Hot? Yes. She's a hot, very black woman. Yeah, very thick. My dad's a chubby chaser. He loves to overshare. He's always like, Emily, I love thick booty bitches. They call me a chubby chaser. I was like, Dad, why? And then just call you a fket. Like normal kids. There it is. It's an interesting fket drop there. I like to save Have a good fket for a good time. I don't know why chasing a thick girl would make him a fket. Are they here? Is your stepmom and dad here? In the country? Well, they didn't come to watch you. No, they did not come to watch me, unfortunately. That's wild. This woman would rather stay in a Uganda village than watch me. So she lives here now? Oh, she does? Okay. Yeah, she moved in with my dad. No. He paid for her visa, too. He paid for her visa? Mm-hmm. Okay. Wow. Okay. Yeah. But that's nice. He seems like a good guy. Yeah, I wish he gave me more except for abandonment issues, but here we are. Right. Well, you got to take what you can get.

You know what I mean? What was it like when your dad brought home Aunt Jemimah for the first time? What do you mean? It's a black woman. What show do you think you went to tonight? What are you going to... What do you want me to bring out Jimmy Fallon right now? You want to hear a 10-minute monolog from Jimmy Fallon? Then let me do my fucking Auntie Jemimah reference. How did you feel? Can you ask a question again? No, it was really... I just wanted to do that joke. That's not a real answer. What was the joke? Go ahead. What was the joke? Well, he said, No, it's fine. You can't explain a joke. That's fucking gay. Why not? Well, what's amazing is that you're so white. You're this angelic doll type of white trash doll. Yeah. My dad does live in a trailer. Really? Yeah. Wow. With a Uganda. With a Uganda. She moved out because it wasn't nice enough for her. So he bought her a visa. Wait, she moved. Hold on. She moved out of the... Where did she go? I mean, she started in a mud hut. She moved to a trailer and she's like, no, I need a high rise.Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Well, Emily, congratulations. You got the show started out of the bucket. Here's a little joke book. Oh, wow. That was amazing. It almost went in Joe's can of liquid death.Thank you.It almost There she goes. Ladies and gentlemen, Emily Wade. It has begun. You get it. Good job. Anything can happen. Someone could make it on this show, or what you just saw could happen. You could go silent. The pressure can get to these people. Hey, all. Good evening. This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN. Have you ever browsed an incognito mode? It's probably not as incognito as you think. Google recently settled a $5 billion lawsuit after being accused of secretly tracking users in incognito mode. Google's defense, incognito does not mean invisible. In fact, all your online activity is still 100% visible to a ton of third parties unless you use ExpressVPN or Ed ban. Tony, everyone needs ExpressVPN. Without ExpressVPN, these third parties can see every website you visit, even in incognito mode. Your Internet service provider, your mobile network provider, even the admins of your WiFi network, like your school, your boss, or your parents. Expressvpn VPN rerouts 100% of your traffic through secure encrypted servers, so third parties can't see your browsing history.

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Yeah. I don't know if you ever fuck dry a kid hole, but it's annoying. Holy shit. Chris Ries. I feel like all that material was written by you trying to actually molest kids. Okay, wow. You got to do the research. Wow. All right. Holy shit. How are you, Chris? You've been on this show before? Yeah, I've done this show a couple of times. I've been doing good lately. Yeah, how old are you? I'm 25. 25. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven years. Seven years. Wow. So you started when you were 18? Yes, sir. Were you ever molested? Oh, we talked about this a couple of times. Hell, yeah. Really? God damn right. Molested and proud. Wow. I'm one of those retarded kids I was talking about. Yeah, it seems like it. Unbelievable. I don't remember our molestation talks. I thought it was a risk asking that question. Yeah. What we talked about, it just got really sad. Okay. All right. Why did it get sad? I don't know. Did you get sad? No. No, you like it. Yeah, I was having fun since I got molested. Right, exactly. You enjoyed the fun. I was jerking them off.

I'm like, yes. All right, Chris. All right, Chris, settle down. Tony, where does comedy go from here? What's happening? I'm fucking my dad molesting retarded kid. What's happening? I remember a guy would come out and talk about Tide. I feel like we're all going to get subpoenaed one day. People are admitting crimes. You got the peanut part, right? That's true. Chris, tell us more. What are you doing for work? What's going on with your life? I live in San Marcos, and I'm a cook at a Torchies right now. Wow. Holy shit. All right. Yeah. Okay. So you're halfway to hell. Yeah. This is incredible. What do you love about your life? What do you do for fun other than stand-up? What do I love about my life other than stand-up? I don't really like the stand-up part that much. Why don't you like stand-up? I don't know. I live with my best friend. Hold on. Tell us about what you just said. Why don't you like the stand-up part that much? It's just too many fucking weirdos, dude. You're one of them. That's why. You mean there's too many people trying? The scene is overwhelmed with a lot of people.

The open mics aren't quite as open as they once were. You've been here for a bit, right? A few years? Where are you originally from? I'm from Tacoma, Washington. How long have you been in Texas? I moved here about four years ago. Okay, so you've watched the explosion. What you're talking about is that, what, you get less spots? How does this affect you? No, it's just too many people. I don't like being around a lot of people. I have social anxiety, I guess. Well, you picked the right industry for that. For sure. It's tough. There is a lot of competition. You got to do things to stand out. So I would suggest showering. I think he's got good hair.Thank you.I like it. It doesn't look clean, but that's like a look. No, yeah. You know, right? That's like a look. You know? Right? Lean into it, dude. Lean into it. Lean into it. Oh, yeah. I won't take showers anymore, dude. Yeah, dude. Fuck it. What's the difference? The most handsome guy on the stage is telling me not to take showers. Yeah, dude. Absolutely. To the kids, yeah. How old is your roommate? How old is my roommate?

He's like 32. He works here. It's Adam Lucky. Oh, okay. We know Adam very well. Okay, so what do you guys do for fun? You love being his roommate so much. You guys play video games? I watch him play video games. We watch movies all the time. You guys smoke pot together? No, I don't smoke pot. You don't? You look like that? Yeah. That's amazing. By the way, you saying, I watch him play video games was creepier than the retarded kid joke. Yeah. Sober, too. You're just sober sitting there just watching him play video. Like, Good job. That's fucking scary, dude. Why are you sober? Why am I sober? I just don't smoke weed. I do everything else pretty much. Oh, okay. Wow. Look at that. Amazing. Why do you have all the... You get bit by bugs? You have like... No, I'm a cook, so I burn myself a lot. Wow, you burn yourself a lot. That's incredible. It's amazing. It seems intentional. You're bad at it. It's amazing. Somewhere out there, Emily orders some tacos. This fucking guy burns himself making them, and Enrique picks them up and delivers them. What a weird world we're living in where you know the life of your bucket pulls throughout the day.

All right, Chris. Well, you already have a jokebook? Yes, sir. Okay, well, there he goes. Chris Ries. Let's keep him moving along. Let's fly through it. You guys having fun out there, huh? All right, your next comedian has been on before. Make some noise for the return. A brand new minute from Chen, ladies and gentlemen, the return of Chen. We know Chen. My friends used to call me gay. When I came out as trans, they beg me to go back to being gay. Apparently, if you suck a dick, it's pretty gay. But if you're sucking a dick while wearing a dress, that makes it super gay. Sometimes people ask me, Hey, are you trans? And I would go, Yes. But if you guess it wrong, I'll have to fist you. And lastly, it's not easy being trans. So sometimes I joke with my boyfriend about how much easier it would be for me to transition from a taker to a giver. He immediately offer to help me transition from a life to dead. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Chen. Having the Texas crowd. Very confused right now. I love it. There's nothing people from Texas love more than a trans Eskimo coming up and talking about sucking dicks while wearing dresses.

This is incredible. Chen, welcome back to the show. Yes. Good to see you We see each other a lot around. You're always up and down sixth Street. Yes. Welcome, welcome. You've been on the show multiple times. And how is it going? I've been doing comedy, but I'm actually also doing a DJing on every Tuesday night shows next door at Shakespeare's. Okay. What type of music do you play? Do you start with cool, manly stuff and then get into female stuff as the night goes on? No, I actually have different tracks for different... So obviously, I have to have all the ethnic stuff, right? Like low riders, if a Mexican gets on, or like some of-Is that how it works? Yeah. You just wait to see who walks in? Yes. It's messed up because sometimes I look at the guests, the list of comedians, and then it's like suddenly they have a drop in, and I was just about to hit one ethnic song, and they were like, No, not that one. All right. What would you play if these two blatant white guys that look like they holstered their guns in their truck before coming here into this place?

What would you play if they were... What do we got? Centeria or... They're both nodding. Yes. They like this idea. You got them. They're both nodded at the same time. The other one would be, depending on how goofy they look, sometimes I play the new Scooby-Doo theme song for them. Wow. Look at you. Scooby-dooby-doo. Wait, I don't understand. You're saying you play songs when people walk into the bar? No, this is for comedians going up and off stage. So like introduction music. They do shows at Shakespeare's? Yes. I didn't know that. I wish I have a band like this, but sometimes. Oh, I see. I bet you fucking do. God damn right. Wouldn't everybody like a band like this? Okay, so I get it. You're playing Comedians Up. You're DJing at the comedy show. Yes. You're not doing DJ sets? Not DJ sets. Right. So not full songs. I get it. Learning of a comedy helps because I can do comedic timing with them if they're really struggling. What's up with your dick and balls and everything? Let's get to the stuff that everybody's waiting for. I was going to try to make a smooth transition, but you're clearly not.

Let's jump right into it. Okay, I guess Tits are the Tits. Tits are Tits. We've had a couple of those on stage. No, no, no, no, not like that. I'm saying-Enrique and Chris Reece both had Tits. In fact, everybody's had Tits. It's been on this stage. No, I meant at some point it actually feels better than dick. To what? At some point, tits do feel better than dick. What the fuck are you talking? What do you mean? You just transitioned from white to Asian. Yeah. T Can't feel better than dick. All right, Bobby Shee. Let's get back to it. Tits. Having tits feels better than having a dick sometimes. Is that what you're saying? The sensitivity. Oh, the sensitivity. You ask a very wise question. I sheathed my sword between my legs. I rejayed a comedy show. You can no longer find my. By the way, hitting play and pause on Spotify on an iPhone as a comic, that's not DJing. That's not. That's not get carried. He's talking like he's fucking Kit Cutty on fucking. Okay, it's not DJing, but I do use audacity to make sure. Because, like When comedians get on stage, it only takes 10 seconds, 15 seconds.

How do I get to the good part where people were actually excited? You cannot play long time. Yeah. Let's get back to the transition thing. Somehow we went back to DJing. I want to keep moving forward here. What's going on with all that stuff? Tint feel better than dick. What's next? Well, okay. I guess when I feel really horny, I do feel a pressure in the Gucci area. Tell us more about that. Everybody here wants to know the Santeria guys are vomiting in their cups right now. What the fuck is this show? This is fucking disgusting, God damn it. Are your parents still alive or have they on or killed themselves? They have transitioned to dead. Well, my biological father haven't been returning my texts.Right. And my...Wow.That tracks. And my mom wants me to be normal, whatever normal means, and she wants my hair on a platter for her birthday, which I don't think... Hey, no, normal as you. Don't Are you a guy? Wait, were you born a male or a female? Because you're one of those trans. I don't know which way went. I'm trying to figure out, did you go male to female or female to male?

I respect both your choices, but I just don't know.It's male to female. Male to female. Okay, cool. Because you're in between. But I respect it. I like that shit. You know what I mean? I've never thought I'd meet the trans Mulan. This is what Disney wants. This is what they get, and I support Disney. I have a special coming out on Hulu in February, so just know that. That's right. 100%. Yes. How's it going? The transition, what's the next move for you? Dad's leaving you on red. I guess in a way, I'm looking for other outlets to make it seem like it's all worth it, right? Because I have to prove to my parents that I can stand on my own, right? Because there's no other way to convince them. I'm dead to them unless I'm somebody, right? So it's like... No. You are somebody. You You're just somebody that put their dick in a Chinese finger trap. But that's fine. And the harder you pull... You're the craziest part about this transition. This guy used to be white. You know, folks. I am raised by a white stepfather, if that explains anything. Okay. What would that explain?

If I sound white sometimes or like white things, I guess. Right. So your mom and dad separated when you were young? Yes, when I was three. Okay. And Chen was my original last name when I was first born into this world. You've even... Yes. You've Can you just then transition names at some point in your life. In a way, it's for me to reconnect with my past. Okay. Were you born in... Were you born in China? Yes, I was born in Wuhan. Were you really? Oh, wow. Wow. There it is. Wow. There it is. Wow. Is there anything not wrong with you? This guy's like, I've seen enough. God damn it, son of a bitch. Wow. Okay. When did you come here from Wuhan? I was born in Wuhan, and I grew up in the Southern China until I was 10. Then I moved to America and grew up in New Mexico. Let me ask you a question. Was your father Dr. Fauci? Did he also make you in a lab? No, he's just a middle management white guy, I guess. Okay. Wow. Well, it's good that you transitioned female here because they would have killed you for that in China.

No girls. Maybe that's why it requires some deception to come out, not get killed First. Are you a spy? No, no, no. Okay, because I... You know how they kill female babies? Yes. Exactly. That's what I meant. Okay, John. Jesus. I just wanted to know. I love it. Okay, Chen, you have a jokebook already? Yes. You've been on this show numerous times. There goes Chen, everyone. Thank you. Nice work, Chen. Keep going, Chen. Good stuff. Very good stuff. All right. We have a special treat for you all, ladies and gentlemen. Going up, one of the elite golden ticket winners of the history of the show from Toronto, Canada. Ladies and gentlemen, here's a brand new minute from the great Jared Nathan, everybody. Here he is. What's up? I'm on the ship. I was on Amazon today. Look up. Electronics. I found an explosive deals on on pages and cell phones. They only shipped to Lebanon. I was too scared to call Customer service. Thank you. Fuck, yeah. Jared Nathan. That stutter is getting pretty fucking thick and girthy over there, I got to tell you. I got to run with it, Tony. Okay, dokey. It's a fucking turn sometimes.

I got to swim upstream, you know? I think it's great. Joe, if you've ever wondered what you're like after the 15 drinks we had at night, that's basically what I deal with. Tony, why are you going home? I ever tell you about how much I enjoyed that night in Madison Square Garden. I sound a lot better than you look. Nice. I sound a lot better than you look, Joe.Thank you.All right.That's right.Thank you. I felt every word of that. Yeah. Sorry, man. Sometimes I think people need a shower. Oh, I thought you were going to say, Shut the fuck up right there. I was wrong. You threw me off. I switch it up sometimes, motherfucker. God damn right. God damn right. I have the Hard R Award that you bestowed upon me at Madison Square Garden, Which gives me permission, I believe, to say the words what? What does that mean? I never really got-Retard. Okay, very good. Which I freely used before, but now I feel-Totally rose up. Now I think about you when I do it. I feel like I have permission to do it. It's sitting with all my other trophies from many other amazing things that I'm great at.

It sits there, the Hard R Award for you. Sometimes it takes one and no one. You son of a bitch. You son of a motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker I'm joining Austin, Texas. You're living here? What are you doing? I come here time to time. I'm trying to come in more often. I'm working on my visa right now. I'm just trying to... Yeah, I want to come in more often. I love Austin. Canada doesn't let you just do whatever the fuck you want. It's a communist country, you know? It is. It is. You're hearing it straight from the source. Tony, some fucked up thing that happened to me before I came here. Tell us. I had my fucking tricycle stolen. Yes, I wrote a trike. I'm not afraid. What trike was this? A true tricycle? It was a swin. Old school. Two tricycles, four wheels. Four wheels? It was four wheels? One. Huge wheel, two wheels in the back. Three wheels, sorry. Three wheels. Three wheels, motherfucker. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. This was in Canada. You're out riding your tricycle. Yes. Where did you park it? Where did some slimy Canadian get their hands on your tricycle?

You were at a school. No, I was not at a school. Okay, where were you? I got to lock it up. Right behind a parking lot, right behind a building that my mom owns. Dana, what? That my mom owns a building. Jesus Christ. What the fuck is going on with you tonight? Can I point out this glass was empty before he started talking? Dude, he is fucking war. That's crazy. My mom owns a building that I used to store my bike at, and some ableist motherfuckers Cut the fucking chain. It's probably just a middle school kid. It's probably not a gangster or anything. It was Choda Rosa. Oh, my goodness. How dare you? How dare you? You need to get around? What's it like looking at yourself if you had one more chromosome? It's amazing, You're so close to that. Joe, you're so close to that. I mean, it's unbelievable. Look at that. It's a before and slightly after. Who's worse? You know the answer to that. Joe N'Rosa. That's right. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. I accept that. No, but... Is my track being stolen? I've been doing shows all over Canada.

Check it out on Jaron Nathan Comedy. Shutting down and serenading comedy? Check out my dates on Jaron Nathan Comedy. You're a little bit more stutter and you're a little more retarded than usual. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know what's going on. I've been sick for a couple of days. You've been sick? I've been sick. Just you. Jesus. I've never I've never been happy to be in my seat. You're getting it all. Jared, what the fuck would make you come here if you're sick? This is karma. This is why your tricycle got stolen, Jared. You're out here not caring about others. The show always had to It doesn't always have to go on, you know? No, it doesn't always have to go on. It doesn't always have to go on. You're going to get everybody sick, which is a good thing for the guy in the douchey Gucci hat, but a bad thing for everybody else around us. What were your symptoms? I He wasn't retarded before this. Duros is about to hit a whole new low over here. I just been puking and feel shit, so I can help puking. Okay, put the fucking mic in the mic stand.

Jesus Christ. Jared, are we going to switch mics? We have a mic switch that we can do. I'd rather blow Chen than fucking... Jared, get out of here. God, you damn it. You just hug me, too. You hug Excuse me. We have to make sure people aren't sick from now on because I guess that's not a thing. There he goes. Go home, Jared. Go home and get better. I know he's fucking Lord Almighty. The spit was landing insane. There is Jared Nathan spit everywhere. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Am I right? Just unbelievable. Is that a new mic or the same one? Oh, it's clean. She's wiping it all off. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody? This podcast is brought to you by Send the vote, folks. Election Day is coming up on November fifth, and there's a website, sendthevote. Org/tony That makes registering to vote easy. It's non-partisan, meaning they don't care who you're voting for. They just want to ensure you can vote red band. That's right, Tony. All you have to do is head over to sendthevote. Org/tony, and they'll help you sign up, register, and check if you're all set.

You can also text Tony to 3-3-0-2. That's 3-3-0-2. To learn more, that's T-O-N-Y to 3-3-0-2. Thanks to Send The Vote for sponsoring this podcast. All right, your next comedian out of the bucket. One-word name, that's always fun. Let's see what happens here. The Comedy Styleings of Soul, Everybody. Soul, S-O-U-L. What's up, kill Tony. If Jared didn't give you all COVID, I'm here to make sure it sticks. Shit, is he okay on this mic? I appreciate it. Any adoptees in the house? Joe, I know. Okay. Yeah, that's what happens when you fail the SAT. I got a 2,400. I was three years old. I thought that she was pretty good. Not good enough for Asian parents. Fuck that, man. Ship your ass to America. The only people that can afford you are white people. Thank you, Bob and Donna. Any white people to grab Bob Thank you, man. Thank you. Shit, we'll eat anything, man. So when you think about the bedroom ladies, ladies get with the nation, I don't care what you think about our fucking small dick stereotype. When people eat dogs. I'll tear a little kiddie up. So we'll do whatever it takes.

Fuck that. It's not always like fresh, fella's. It's not HEB. Sometimes it's discount, bottom row, sushi. So I keep soy sauce packets in my pocket just to flavor it up. I'm cool. I'm an American, damn it. Soy sauce and ranch. See? I'll eat that cat. Thank you. I'll kill Tony. Soul. Incredible to see.How are you doing, Tony? Big fan.You twice in the same night, you went backstage, got a haircut on your back. It's Chen, everybody. Chen has decided to please her father. You've chosen the right path. I'm a real boy, Tony. I'm not... I'm not Chen. I love Chen. Okay, hit him up with the racist Chinese music, guys. Oh, it's you now. You guys switched. It's unbelievable. The racism up here. So how are you today? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Soul, you've been on this show before. I remember your face. Yes, sir. We've met outside the show, but I've followed you guys since H-E-B Arena New Years's. I live in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, but I come and use my VA benefit very well.Drive up here as often as I can.You're a VA for Which army? Vietnam? What branch of the military were you in?

Fucking vaccinated Americans. No, I was in the Chair Force. Air Force. Air Force. Shout out to you. See? A real soldier over there. Kamikaze. What did you do in the Air Force? Remind us. No, I've never been on the show. You've just always seen me out and about because I've been following you to every... Oh, okay. Every arena show that I could with Sarge. Great. What did you do in the Air Force? Customer service. I worked at Chow Hall. What? They called it a dining facility, to be politically correct. I just served fried rice. Oakey dokey. What do you do for How does it work now, Soul? When I'm out here, I'll rent a ride share car, and I'll drive people around. I'm at the Austin airport 25 times a week. All right. The driver that everybody hates to pull up to. Quit canceling your ride. I just noticed your Southern accent, too. I thought it was Asian the whole time. Then I was like, Oh, no, that's a Southern. You have a little draw. I just noticed it. I'm a chameleon. I've been traveling so much, but South Korean. I don't know. South Korea.

That's why it's Seoul. Exactly. It's Seoul. I play a lot of urban rooms, too. Korean Seoul. When you said a guy named Saul, I thought a black guy was-Yeah, that's what I call it. So did I. Yeah, but it's-I don't use my government name. I don't. Yeah. Okay. Why not? Just out of curiosity. You don't like the government. You don't trust them. It's North Korea. No, I just don't use it. Now that I'm out of the military, I can use it. It's Eric Shun on IMDb, the Shun family. Okay, all right. Jesus Christ. Soul, just answer the questions directly.Sorry, T.It's okay. What do you do for work when you're in Gatlinburg, Tennessee? What keeps you in Gatlinburg? I mean, my mom and dad are still alive, but they're in their upper 70s, so I'm a caretaker, but not by choice. Okay, adorable. Boomerang Kids. What? Boomerang Generation. After my military, I retire, but I still go back there, drive for them. That's how bad it is. They have me as a driver. There it is again. Unbelievable.unbelievable.okay.mab and Donna. So your parents are old, you're taking care of them, you're driving them around, you're doing this, you're doing that.

What else do you do? What do you do for fun, to relax? Like a guilty pleasure for you? I mean, I'm never a feature performer, but I'm always helping comics. This last Skank Fest, I drove Jamal Nabour's artwork down to Las Vegas. I mean, anytime it's comedy-related, just comics of every variety. If I can do anything for her.How old are you?42.42. You have any kids? No. How come? What happened? Freedom. The women pull out. That's by choice. Do you have a girlfriend? No. No. No. No. No. I mean, once the 20 minutes is over, the happy ending is over. Okay. You've never been married? No. Well, I was, yeah. Back when I was Air Force. You're a tough interview, Soul. These are pretty easy questions. It was 2002. We were together for '06, and then we were separated the rest of the time.We got to work in 2010.What happened? What happened with it? I was pursuing entertainment. So anyone, entertainment, you pursue entertainment full-time. I don't understand what you're talking about. What do you mean? No, you got divorced over personal entertainment. Is that what you just said? No, because she said I was-Don't go, No.

I'm the fucking asshole because I can't follow what the fuck you're talking about. She said my choice of career, even though I was military and I had that steady reserve check, I was just a loose cannon. It wasn't providing security. Really, you seem like a real stable pick. What did she do for work? She was working at the airport. She was working at the airport? Yeah. What was she doing at the airport? She was working customer service. This was '06, customer service. Okay. Yeah, a lot of customer service. I try to regress. I suppress memories. Okay. Yes. Of X's. Are you gambling, man. You like to gamble? You look like you... I'm not good at it, but I'll play... Squat down and play dice all day. In the squatting position. Not fully seated, but bend all. Yes, exactly. No, I play roulette. I lose at roulette. I'm always written on black. Okay. All right. Anything else interesting about your life before I let you go? You're one of the hardest interviews of the history of the show. I'm sorry, Tony. You've mentally prepared for this forever. Yeah, I'm trying to find my birth mom.Okay, let's do that.I would use a platform like that.

Where do you think your birth mom is? Probably on Facebook, Are you talking me? I don't know. The only information I have is that my dad died. I was born in March. He died in December. I've got her name, and I've got my name and my sister's name. So the white people that bought us, they kept us together.Incredible.We're good people. You're trying to find your mom, and at the same time, you do not want to give your actual name. What a conundrum we find ourselves in. No, it's John Mian Hsu, Mian Hsu. I'm so American.Jun, Miam Su.Oh, yeah. Totally easy to spell. We got it.That's why I go by Soul.In fact, your mom's here now. Let's bring her up. Where is she at? Do we have her? Is there an Asian woman here? Sorry. Okay, Soul, we're going to get you out of here. Welcome to the show. Here, my friend, is a little jokebook for you. There you go. How about a hand for Soul, everybody?Good joke. Soul, sign up again. Come back. Fucking prepare and fucking be honest during the interview. Everybody wants to make a joke or fucking be silly, but you're going to do that.

You got to give us something. Let's see how this goes. Ladies and gentlemen, a new minute from Drew Santana. This looks like a new name, Drew Santana. What's up? This is fun. I saw this tranny walking sixth Street earlier. She actually tripped over her deck. Yeah, she tripped over. She scraped up her lady penis, she bruised up her big fake titties. Women, am I right? I think it's really ironic how black people call their cars whips. You're okay? I'd never pull up with the homies in my taxes. You know what I'm saying? It's a little on the nose. Thank you. All right, Drew Santana. Man, you had that whips joke the whole time, and you started with that weird tranny trip on a dick thing. It's unbelievable. Hello. Hello. How long you been doing stand-up? It's probably 8, 10 months now. 8, 10 months now. Where are you from? I'm from Denver, Colorado. You still live there? I live here now. I just moved out here. What made you move to Austin, Texas? The Comedy, this whole thing. Absolutely. How do you make a living, Drew? How old are you? 26. Okay, what do you do for work?

The other night, I went out miming. Really? You know how to mime? It was an off-the-cuff thing. How many of you guys want to see a mime? Give me some mime music. Give me some mime music. It's my music, everybody. Oh, Oh, he's got... Oh, my God. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. For those of you just listening to the podcast, I believe he's heading a gerble of some kind. Actually, you don't know what's happening at all. It might be a Nintendo Switch. Oh, he's... All right. All right. Is this getting somewhere, Drew? Don't fuck with the cool black guy. Oh, he assumed the cool black guy would want to bite his joint. Okay, Drew, that's enough. That's the dumbest shit I've ever seen. Literally anybody can do that.Drew?Barely miming at all. Joe? I can't. You have a beautiful gift inside of you, which is doubly shocking that it's miming because you look like Satan. You literally look like the devil. I can't believe that you're able to mime like that. That's really incredible.Thank you. I appreciate it.You're welcome. You do. You have a Ted Bundy vibe, right? A little bit? But it's good. Like a new one.

Yeah, the low-hanging fruit is that looks scary and gay, like a gay vampire. Hpv Lovecraft. Do you have dark thoughts? Sometimes you look like you have dark thoughts. I think that's what we all agree on. You look like you think about doing bad things all the time. Dark thoughts. You look like you'll only sign a cell phone contract in blood. Yeah. What do you do for fun? Let's start there. Hanging out with friends, hitting open mics. What do you do with your friends? Try to make each other laugh. That's always a good time. Smoking weed, that's classic. Do you smoke actual weed or just mind joints? Yeah, Yes. Do you have actual friends? Also mind friends. Is anything real? It's all imaginary. Okay, what's your love life like? Who do you have tied up to your studio apartment right now? Well, obviously, I don't know her name. Nice. All right, but seriously, how's that going for you? You into that at all? Yeah, I'm trying to... There's the issue... Yeah, I'm like a deer in headlights with women. I just don't do well. You're looking at me. I don't know how I'm having this conversation right now.

I normally... Wait, you're talking about her? You're looking at me, you're talking to her? You're shy because a woman's looking at you? Yeah, this is... Normally, I freeze and I can't talk when a pretty girl makes eye contact. It's a lot. Okay, this is very exciting. Drew, I I got to tell you, they probably don't feel loose and comfortable with you either. Yeah. Let's see if we can... This is a little segment that we like to call break an in-cell, ladies and gentlemen. Can we get Heidi up here? Can we get the lovely Heidi here? Oh, no. It's a very special segment. No big deal. Just one of the most beautiful women imaginable on planet Earth. Just an absolute bundle of perfection right in front of you. Look directly in her eyes, Drew. Drew, keep eye contact. Drew, just lock eyes. How do you feel right now, Drew? I really have to pee. Oh, great opening line, Drew. Oh, my goodness. Someone's getting wet down there, and it's going to be you, Drew. Drew's about to piss his pants, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, Drew, look her in the eyes, Drew. I know you want to fix the mic stand nervously right now.

Tell us some of the feelings going through your mind right now as you look at a stunning woman. Keep eye contact with her while saying the things. I panic. Run. I don't have any money. Piss yourself, Drew. Piss yourself right now. We want to see the splash. All right. Okay, give us an idea of what an opening line with Heidi. Heidi, why don't you open things up? I always like you. You're so conversational. You see a guy like this on the street. What do you say to a stud like this? Grab DeRosa's microphone here. I don't want you to share with all these sick retards up here tonight. Okay, Heidi, you're going to give them a shot and you say... Do you need a dollar or something? Oh, Heidi, be nice. Come on, start nice. Come on. Heidi's a fucking cold-blooded assassin. She was raised around us wolves here. No, but I do need your number. There it is. Good for you. Rapey. I'm going to spell it out for you. There There it is. Holy shit. Come on, dude. Straight to the number. Okay, let's try another round. Here we go. Round two of what the fuck is going on.

Heidi says a nice line, and you react in any way. Heidi? How's your day going? Come on, dude. Think a line from your favorite movie. How about this? It likes it when you put the lotion in the basket. It puts the lotion on its skin. Let's get back to it. She asked you the unbelievably-It puts the number in my phone. No, no, no. Okay, Drew, relax. You can mind me your phone. Okay, everybody relax. Everybody relax. Okay, Drew, she asked you, How's your day going? Better now that I'm talking to you. Thank you. How about you? How's your day going? You're welcome. My day is going great. That's far so good. Yeah, Holy shit, Drew. This is unbelievable. Heidi, say something else easy and nice to him. Let's see how he reacts. Where did you grow up, Drew? Denver. Yeah. How was it living in Denver? Did you climb any mountains? No. What did you do for fun in Denver? I Never put myself in a position like this, normally. Oh, my God. Okay, we're going to stop there. It's really not that bad. It's not that hard, I swear. Dude, come on, mime. Mime.

Come on, do something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drew, mime confidence for Christ's sakes. You're like, Mime conf. All All right, Heidi, you've shown us enough. Thank you, Heidi. How about another hand for the lovely Heidi? You nailed it, bro. You killed that shit. I do better when I can't say anything. All right, Drew. Well, fun times. Good stuff. I love the whips joke.Great joke, man.Thank you. How long You know when it's six years, what did you say? It's been about 8, 10 months. Right. You wrote that whips joke? You just came up with that premise? Amazing. Yes, I read all my stuff. Very good. All right. All right. I hear you. Here's a little joke book. There you go. Drew Santana, on to the next one. Thank you. We're having fun out here. Another bucket pull. My goodness. Can you believe the buckling under the pressure of the young buck, Drew Santana? Anything can happen here. All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Payton Ready. Here we go. Payton Ruddy. Hey, good to be here. I got a girlfriend now. Sorry, fellows. I was doing Tinder for a while, and a lot of comics, they talk about Tinder because it's infamously the worst dating app.

But the craziest thing to me about Tinder is when I was doing that, when I created my profile, Tinder makes you pick a whole bunch of hobbies and interests that show up on your profile. You cannot finish creating your profile without picking hobbies and interests. So Tinder gives you a big list of hobbies to pick from. I thought this was weird. Did you know you could pick Black Lives Matter as a hobby? That's a hobby? I support Black Lives Matter. I mean, that's not a hobby to me. That's just something that is. It's like food or something. I'm like, All right, yes. Black people, acknowledged, exist. If you don't know what a hobby is, a hobby is like something you can do after work. You can squeeze in with the free time, like playing the drums or something. You want to do that with the lives of Black people? That's your hobby? That's fucked up. How do you explain that to somebody? Somebody's like, Do you support Black Lives Matter? And you're like, I'll be honest, I have been swamped at work recently. Bate and ready with a fantastic minute. There it is. A true minute all on one subject, punched up with jokes.

Look at you. You're fucking adorable.Oh, thanks.Oh, my goodness. How long you been doing stand up?I've been a couple of years.Couple of years? How old are you? I'm 23. I've been doing it. It'll be six years in November.Oh, nice. You started young.Yeah.Hell, yeah.Yeah.Look at you. What are Are you still drinking breast milk? What's going on over here? You are a plump little sweet thing. Yeah, I've moved on. I've moved on in the recent weeks, but yes.Wow.I've been easing off of it, but thanks for just exploiting me. Absolutely incredible. You look like you use hard boiled eggs as like zins. It's like, leave one in your mouth. Just fucking let it soak into your bloodstream. This is incredible to meet someone. You make Enrique Chacón look like a fucking hot check.Thank you.I appreciate it.Amazing, Paul. What do you do for work? What do you do? Drive Tonka trucks for a living? What exactly? No, I drink breast milk and I play with Tonka trucks. It's a No, it's a difference. No, I just moved here three weeks ago, so I don't have a job yet. Okay, where'd you move from? Chicago. Okay. Nice. Wow, it's great. We have the actual live The Bean with us, ladies and gentlemen.

I can't believe The Bean found out that it became Kill Tony folklore, and it also moved to Austin, Texas. This is incredible. Yeah, they expedited me overnight. I got shipped over here. It's full name Butterbean.Butter beans. That's right. Amazing. This is incredible. Have people told you that you looked like The Bean before? If people called me fat, is that what you're asking me? You're like, If people ever called you a fat ass before? Yes. Welcome, welcome. Absolutely. This is where if you had a son, if you made a baby sometime, Red Band, this is what it would come out looking like. Just a little fucking... Look at this fucking absolute little butterball. Tell me, stop. You are a sweet I didn't realize that... I've heard of snowmen. I've never heard of snow boys before. This is incredible. You're like Frosting the Snowman. That's pretty good. You're on the edge of stealing my ax, so you got to be careful. I love it. There's no edges to you, buddy. They're fully rounded. Yeah. Holy shit. You are a fucking superstar. There's no doubt about it. 23 years old, six years into the game. You're here in the comedy capital of the world.

You just did a minute, 15 seconds all on the same subject, which is very telling. A lot of people change directions and try to get to squeeze in a lot of their best You're in jokes. You're clearly showing that you have experience and poise in the pocket. I agree. And by pocket, I mean the hot pocket that you hate right before the... I've moved on to lean pockets recently. Chut, chut, chut, chut, changes. You spend the extra dollar, you're still as fat. Is that true that lean pockets are a little more expensive? I don't know the market on them, honestly. Our senior frozen food correspondent, Brian Redband, says it's not true. A man who microwaves 90% of his meals. I'm going to go with his boat here on this one. Wow. You had great... Your presence was great, and I I love that you were pausing, getting laughs out of the faces. The reactions to what you were saying was fucking great. I appreciate it. I feel like just in a minute, I could tell you had more time to stretch it out. It would be really good for your comedy on your body. Yeah.

Am I fat? What's happening? I'm not. They keep making them. I don't get... No, but you look good, though, like that. I'm telling you, dude. It fits you. No, I'm being serious. No one has endorsed obesity more than Chris here tonight. I'm telling you. You look good, dude. I tell you, you're a star. Don't change a thing. He looks good, man. He's a predator. No, you really do. Chris has a type, and he's been very clear. As a matter of fact, you know what? You're coming with me to Dallas, too, this weekend. All right. I got all to them in here. I want... I'm ready on a break. Yeah, he did. Come on, Saturday. Come to my show. I got 500 pounds of fun. All these comics think it's a break. Chris needs people to fill seats. The bigger the better. Amazing. Have you ever been to Dallas before? No, I've never been to Dallas.Wow.All right, good. I've only been to Austin. Amazing. Well, the Buyers Club, unfortunately for you, not a sandwich. That's a shame. What's your living situation? You got a one bedroom, one kitchen? It's a half bath, three kitchens. I love it.

I have round the clock chefs, Tony. You got roommates or what's going on? Yeah, I'm just crashing on a buddy's couch right now. I love it. I'm not coming. Forget it. Dallas is over, Chris. Forget it. Absolutely incredible. Do people walk into the apartment and sometimes go and say to your roommate, Oh, there's a couch on your couch. Why do you have two couches? They go, Oh, is this one of those couches that folds out like those coffee tables? That thing comes. It's one of those couches that breathes. I've seen those. How are you getting around? You got a car? I roll. Yeah, perfect. That's what I was getting at. This guy's good. Taking the momentum, rolling with it. This is very good. Very, very good. What's your goal for getting a job? You've lived here, what did you say, three weeks? Yeah, three weeks ago. Okay, so what do we got to do here? How can we help you? You name what you're good at, and we're going to help. You want a little hard hat? You have a hard hat? A little hard hat? You would look adorable in a hard hat. I would love a hard hat.

I don't know why I want to put a hard hat. How many of you think we I'm going to put a hard hat on this guy? What do you do for work? What's that? What are you good at? What are you trained in? What can you possibly do here? How can you contribute to the economy in Austin, Texas? I worked a lot of restaurant jobs growing up. You worked them? Or you worked him like... My business was given to the restaurant's growing up. No, I did line cook and server and all that. How would you like to burn yourself at Torchy's Tacos? I know a guy. I'm good. Can I tell you what's fascinating? You're sweating the least out of every performance. It is amazing. I noticed that as well. I'm like, You got Enrique up here fucking wiping his face like we're in a thunderstorm or something. It's like the highest level of windshield wipe. And this guy is not a fucking drip. No, I'm a professional. Absolutely incredible. Absolutely incredible. Amazing. I fucking love it. You are one of the funniest people that have ever come on this stage with lunchables in their pockets before.

This is incredible. Yeah. What's the longest set you've ever done? I did... I've done like 35 before. You know, just like you headline some Terrible Bars show. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. I'd love to do it. I'd love to do it. The first big jokebook of the night to a big boy, Payton Ruddy, has made his Kill Tony debut. He got me. I have a feeling you I'm going to see a lot of that kids someday. I'm normally very right about these things. Bobby Hill. Payton Ruddy, R-U-D-D-Y. Payton Ruddy, Comedy on Social Media. Watch it blow up. This is an interesting name. Almost no way that I could say this correctly, but I'm going to try. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Dordog. Crackage. Crackage. Crackage. Hello. My name is Dioro Djeordje Krkilić, and that's not even a joke. I am from Montenegro. And Montenegro in Spanish and Italian means a black mountain, right? Which makes me your black mountain man. Or as we like to call us, I am a Montenegro. Oh, shut up. I can say it. Oh, shut up. Well, if you don't like that hard R at the end, you can just call me a Montenigger.

It's fine. We like it. Well, you have to understand, I have right to say it because we were slaves for 500 years, right? Under a Turkish Empire. So I heard some of you guys got reparations for a slavery. Well, That's why this Montenegro is here tonight. I need some reparations, too, all right? And that would be my minute. Okay. All right. I think a lot of people are leaving right now. What do we think, black guy? Are we letting him get away with that? What's going on over here? I know that edible is in full force right now. You must be thinking, there's no fucking way he just said what I think he said. Perfect. Perfect. Nothing at all. All is well. Welcome. Say your name one more time. Georgia. Georgia. It's like George, so be Georgia in my language. Thank you. Stick it over. Keep it going. Then the last name is... Krikilich. Don't bother with that. Even people from my country can't pronounce it really good. Okay. You mean the N-words?. What a surprise. A guy named Georgia dropped the N-bomb out here. This Georgia hasn't seen showers in weeks, though. You look like Jesus if he lived on sixth Street.

Well, I do live actually almost on the sixth Street. I live in my car. It is sixth Street Jesus, ladies and gentlemen. I'm homeless for the last three, four months. Okay. Look at you. I'm doing good. You're a happy homeless guy. I like it.Thank you, sir.I like it. So tell us what it's like living on the streets.Oh, it's disgusting.Tell us more. Well, here, actually, on the sixth Street, it's the worst. But I live actually on the Walmart parking. That's where I sleep, where I park my car because I live in my car, right? Yeah. And it's... I don't know what to say, Tony. It's not nice, it's not good, but I'm surviving. Give us an example of what it's like. A lot of these people, most of them, have no idea. So you... I'm sleeping in the... A night time after you do stand up and spots and stuff, right? That's your routine. How long you been doing stand up? This is my first time. Oh, well, then there you go. Okay, look at you. First timeTrue on the stage, actually. You just found an art form where you can come out and say the N word a few times.Incredible.Well, if I can correct you, I'm not saying the N word, right?

I'm saying the M word first. That's true.Right. So there's a difference. Now I know. If I wanted to say it, I just have to say Monte beforehand. That is correct. I got bad news for you, John. Yeah. You're goddamn Monte. No, I'm kidding. And dude, I got to be-I waited a long time for this moment. You fucking McLovin, McNugget. What were we saying? What's going on? All right. What do you think about him? What do you think, John? I didn't hear him. Perfect. I love it. Thank God, Black Eyes, do not pay attention to this show.Incredible.Dude, don't even... If you ever get any flak for it, just blame it on the fentanyl. That's it. Say, I was cracked out. It's all good. I'm going to get back to my original thing here. So you pull your car. What do you do at night? If you're just starting stand-up now, what have you been doing in Austin all this time? Well, I got here because of this show, actually. I used to be a semi-truck driver, so that's what I do for a living for a couple of years now. And then I decided I want to switch my profession.

I want to be a stand-up comedian from now on. I think I have a bid that I can go with and I can play with, and I can do. I don't mean to be rude with it, but I can compare similarities between the N-word and Montez, right? You just looked directly at John Dees and signaled to him. Well, I didn't mean to offend you. The kill Tony Making Immigrants Homeless. Yes. 2015. Not only do we fill up arenas, we also fill up Walmart parking lots. There is a few homeless next to me. Really? They're all kill Tony signups? Well, I'm not sure about that. Okay. Let's get back to that. Give us an example. What time of the day do you wake up? The sun comes up, you're in a car. I wake up 5, 6 AM. I don't know. Yeah, That's a life of luxury, the Walmart parking lot. And then what are you doing? Then I go to the Walmart because there is a restroom. I can wash my teeth. I can take a shit, do the morning routine that people are doing. Absolutely. The morning, everyone is doing it. Correct. And then after that, I go work.

I do have a work. It's a moving. So I do work for a different company. Wait, your work is another racial slur? What did you just say your work was? I did moving. Moving. Moving. Oh, moving? Yes, sir. I thought you said something else. Sorry. I'm not going to say what I thought you said. You thought he said moving? That is what I thought he said. That's what it sounded like. I got you, bro. Yeah, right? I got you. Back on me, right? A lot of accidental racial slurs happening up here with you. I can't imagine what you scream in your car in the middle of the night. Oh, my God. Okay. Then I do work. I work for a couple hours. Then what do you do? Then I come back here on the sixth Street, and I play guitar for a couple of hours, maybe 1 hour, 30 minutes. Oh, you play guitar? Yeah, I just practice. Well, that was only because it's my first time on the stage. So that's how I practice, just to be in front of the people. That's it. So you just started guitar, too? No, a couple of years ago.

A couple of years ago. How often do you practice? Well, almost every day. You guys want to hear a song from fucking Georgia. But I'm not going to sing. You got a fucking back up guitar, right? I'm not going to sing. We have the official Kill Tony guitar. It's tuned up and ready to go. Tuned up and ready to go. Ladies and gentlemen, wow. Here it is. Let's do both of these. Get them up here. Okay. Georgia. I have a feeling. I have a weird feeling. George is about to impress us here. He's got these homeless energies, these pent-up-Georgia, face the crowd. Face the crowd. You're trying to head back to the Walmart parking. Oh, shit. He's calling out something to the band. Whoa. All right, that's great. That's great. Great stuff. Great stuff. Oh, my goodness gracious. Unbelievable. Wow. Hell, yeah. Absolutely. I'm all shaking. Georgia, how do you feel right now? You just played the world famous Ritz Theater. You're shaking right now. Yes, sir. The energy of Stevie Ray Vaugh runs through you. Oh, I love that. Thank you. Yes, I love him. I love Stevie Ray Vaugh. Of course. He played here on this very stage that you stand on, and You look like he does right now.

You look like the decades-long, decomposed corpse of Stevie Ray Vaugh. I love that. Hallelujah. Hell, yeah. And you sleep on a Stevie Ray lawn. Okay. George Krechik. Fun times. It was your first set, so you know what I'm going to do? Instead of giving you a little jokebook for the amount of laughs that you got, I want you to get some work done. I believe in George. I think you have a lot of pent-up. How old are you? I'm 33. Oh, my God. Yeah, you have a chance of this, George. You've made it from all... You've escaped the Turkish rule in Montenegro. You are one of my favorite illegal immigrants we've ever had on this show, to be honest with you. You got fucking balls, dude. I want you to start writing and fill up this Kill Tony jokebook with some shit, okay? Oh, shit. Yeah.thank you. Try to use minimal N-words in that jokebook. There he goes. Georgia Krechik. Well, which one was first? Oh, okay. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Bruno Oliveira. Bruno Oliveira. Bruno Bruno. Hold on, guys. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Is Bruno here?

Bruno Oliveira. Bruno, ladies and Come in. Here he is. What's going on? How's everyone doing? That's good, man. This is my real accent, by the way. I'm I'm not actually Mexican, so I just want to put that out there. Everyone calls me Hector from Fast and Furious and shit. I can't unsee it now. You know what I mean? The other day, I got called fucking people from Down Under. I'm like, What the fuck, man? That's a fucked-up thing to say, man. It's been a… Thank you. Appreciate that, man. It's my first time here in Texas and shit, which is cool. It's not too bad. I'm not going to lie, I'm trying to hold my breath I ran here. I'm not that fit. Yeah, it's weird, man. It's weird. I hate when people say shit like, Hey, man. I had some dude come up to me and say, Hey, man, you have very prison eyes. And I'm like, Do I know you, bro? What the fuck? And it's like, I get it. I look like I did it, but I didn't do it. You know what I mean? That's all I'm saying, bro. It's like people say shit like, Hey, man, you were quite intimidating when I first met you, man.

But you're actually a nice guy. I'm like, That shit hurts, man. Because I got feelings too and shit. And it's just like fucking… I was going to keep going, but I guess… Bruno Oliveira. That is maximum time. Hi, Bruno. How are you going, mate? You all right? Good day. Where are you from? Are you serious? What? He is Yahoo serious. Bro, Why is it? Did you say it during your set?If you were listeningThat's an easy question. Is it a yes or a no? That is yes. Yes, sir. Where was it?Australia.Right. Sometimes I have to do things and host a show and I miss a second every now and then while everybody thanklessly watches and enjoys themselves.So yes.Fair enough. You got me. No worries, Ken. Is it Australia? Australia? Australia, yeah. Very good. Okay. What brings you to America? I thought I'd check out a comedy I thought I'd check out the New Mexican places around here and stuff like that. New Mexican places? No, I'm not. It's just people think I'm Mexican all the time. People speak to me in Spanish. Even in Australia, do they think you're Mexican? Bro, there's no Mexicans there. That's the weird thing.

Right. It's not that weird. It's nowhere near fucking Mexico. It's a fucking 20-hour fight. This is the thing. In Australia, people think I'm from New Zealand. But I'm over here, people think I'm Mexican. Right. Either way. Yeah, either, either, whatever. You know what I mean? But like... Either way, you're not welcomed. Yeah. You sound like immigration, bro. That's what the shit. I was there for fucking 40 minutes. I thought you were MS 13. I didn't know what else. I got my garde up. I'm not from the cartel, man. I'm just going to put that out there. You know what I mean? I'm just an ordinary dude. Thank you. I did laugh a few times at your set, I think because I thought it was funny or I might have been terrified. I'm not sure which it was. I mean, I get the... Most people when I perform, they look scared. I feel like they're forced to laugh. But you know what I mean? I'm here. So thank you for being… I don't know if you're laughing or not, but whatever. You know what I mean? Well, you've really leaned into the look. This is how I dress back home.

You know what I mean? So this is unintentional Mexican. I'm not even trying to… No, really. This is how I dress. I see Mexican people walking past me, giving me the head nod and shit. All the All the time. I can't even speak Spanish, so I'm like, Hola, señor. I'm not sure. You know what I mean? I'm just saying. But yeah, that's the gitz of it. You know what I mean? Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up? Sorry, say it again. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've started late '21, '21, so it's about seven, eight years. Okay. I'm trying to sound smart, bro, all right? So just get out of the-Don't try to sound smart. I'm sorry. You don't look smart. There's no point in sounding smart. Look, man, I completed senior high school and shit. You know what I mean? Do you call it secondary school or something? No. We don't know what you're talking about. I'm just a dumb cunt then. All right, no worries. There you go. We call it high school. Sorry? You said high school? High school, yes. Yeah, we call it high school. Yeah, so what the fuck, bro?

Well, you said secondary school. And then you said 216, 217. I was like, that was 2000 years ago. I said MS 13. Ms 13 is what I said. All right? Ms. Oh, you have MS? Yeah. No, I'm joking. What do you do for work? Bruno. I'm actually a scaffolder by trade.A scaffolder?A scaffolder, yeah. Why do you look so surprised for? You're talking to me? No, I'm not trying to start a fight. I'm saying the second gentleman here. Yes, you, sir. Yes. Yes. No, I'm not. I don't know. What? Scaffolding? Now, he just look scared. I'm sorry. You put up scaffolding? Yes, put up scaffolding. Which is very Mexican. I was going to say... That's what I was going to At this point, you're asking for it. Yeah, dude. I'm mining. I just drive me low ride into the scaffolding location, mow the lawn on my way in.. Look at that. Oh, my goodness. Look who's coming. That's how I knew as well. I'm free-stylling. Okay, Jesus Christ. Do you have any special skills or talents? Australians can be a wacky, multi-talented people. I mean, I like anime. I don't know if that helps. I don't know what that means as well.

If you get into fights as a kid, your nose is fucked up. Is that from a lot of cocaine or getting beat up? That's called none of your business, bro. That means cocaine is the answer, ladies and gentlemen. A little bit of that Australian-The back of your head is caved in. What's happening in the back of your head? Can you fucking stop, bro, please? Just turn around and show me in the back of your head. Yeah, it's flat. I know. I was flattened as a kid. I don't know. Look, I got-Both of your hemispheres are fucked up. I could actually level a wall with the back of my head. Another Mexican trait. There it is. Wait, so what happened? You partied so It was so hard that you busted your nose. Australians, by the way, a lot of people don't know this. I do know this. I once at one point in my life, toured Australia a lot. I'm very close with a lot of Australians, and a lot of people don't know. They all are heavily addicted to cocaine. It's a thing. They do it like it's nothing there. We drink blood light or something like that.

They all do it. Can you expand on this? Am I correct? It's this big secret that they keep. Meanwhile, they forced their own people to get vaccinated numerous times while everybody is already halfway to a heart attack. But go ahead. Tell us more. I mean, it's not all the cocaine. That's not the whole story. Everyone's invested now. I'm scared of shit. My nose got fucked up like when I was a kid. What happened? Do we have to go there? Oh, my goodness. Of all the things you're so nervous to talk about how your nose became flat halfway up. You're making me feel real self-conscious about how it look now, man. You should. I mean, you do. Somebody kicked in your nose so hard, it caved in the back of your head. We want to know about That's fucked up, man. If you feel too self-conscious about the way you look, just stare at Joe DeRosa's face for a second. I mean, look, fucking I used to do boxing and shit like that. You know what I mean? That's also part of the flat and what's not just the cocaine, it's also the boxing. That was a bit of...

This cocaine was first out of the box thing. I started when I was 10, bro. I didn't do cocaine until I was like nine and a half. So let's get that straight. There you go. You also box to escape your country. Very Mexican. A very Mexican. You got to come off some new shit now. It keeps saying the Mexican shit, man. Because you keep hitting that note over and over. I can't believe how many Mexican boxes you're ticking right now. It's. I know the scaffolding, but yeah, no, that's fair enough. But yeah, I don't know where we go from here because I've never had these silence. It's getting weird. It's getting weird. No, you're doing just fine. Have you got your head looked at? Sorry? Has a doctor talked to you about the back of your head? No, it's like... I'm not saying... Turn around. Show everybody the back of your head, dude. I'm going to do a sorry. Sorry, wait. Oh, Okay, here it is. The big reveal. Did you just swallow me? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here, cunt. It's like a blooming onion back there. Can I draw a face on the back of it and then you turn around slowly like that?

Can we do that? Come here. I'm going to do it. I need your permission, though. Can I draw a face on the back of your head and then you reveal it? Fuck it, let's do it. Let's do it. This is fucking humiliating. His head is so It's so sweating that it just eats the Sharpie alive. It's not working. I didn't get one eye. It actually looks like your actual face. There's no nose. There's no nose. Oh, my God. This is the worst decision I've ever made to come here, man. The worst decision. This is amazing. What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you your entire life before I let you go? I feel like you've seen a lot. I feel like there's a lot of special fun facts about you. I mean, okay, I'll say this. This This one time, I actually got my drink sparked, right? Sorry, spiked. My drink got spiked. Yeah. No, because I have to break it down because I say spiked. Was it a margarita by chance? No, I'm a real man, so I drank Jacks and Coke. So I had my-Jacks and Coke. Multiple Jacks, one Coke. So I had-Hugreo Jacks.

I had a… Yeah, lumbar Jacks and Flat Head. What was more jacked? Your Coke or your nose? At this time, it was both, actually. Okay. So both I was actually pretty fucked up. So my drink got sparked. This Sharpie literally doesn't work anymore. It absorbed all of the fucking just the heat of the vibe. The whole time I was going to explain, I was going to do this. I'm going to rub it off. But so I got my-Your head has a wet back. Ticks another one. That's another box on the Mexican-I like it. It's actually wet as well when I did it. You know what I mean? It's fucked up. But so I got my drink sparked and I went to the-Sparked. Next on Spark, UFC Unleashed on Spark. Fucking watch the spark. There it is. Fucking croaky. So my drink got sparked and I went to the restroom. You exaggerated. I I'm just going to keep exaggerating it. So let me just say just… You're doing good. Thank you. I appreciate. So my drink got sparked and I went to the restroom. And the last thing I remember is me at the urinal doing a piss, and I woke up on the floor.

Yeah. What do you call a urine? We just piss. We don't do it.What the fuck?Oh, yeah. That's why our economy is so much better than yours. Oh, we have to do the do before we do, do, do, do, do. We already did that by the time you talk about doing it. Right. Okay, that's fair. So I was pissin. I have to do a piss. I have to go do a piss. All right, go ahead. Yeah, thank you, man. That was shit. But I was doing a piss. I was pissin. And the last thing I remember is me on the floor with a little puddle full of blood and shit like that. And I woke up and the bouncer comes up. Even though I was knocked out, I heard someone calling for a bounce. Oh, fuck. Someone come in. Yeah, this cunt's all fucked up. And then-Yeah, the back of his head's fucking swelling. I think he broke his fucking nose. Not just that, the back of my head got fucked up, too. You know what I mean? So the bouncer wakes me up, and then he's like, Hey, man. Hey. Are you all right, bro?

Yeah, g'day, mate. You all right? Crikey. That's a lot of blood. But then he wakes me up, I'm like, Man, the fuck happened? And then he's like, Oh, you actually slipped and you hit your head on the urinal.Oh, shit.Yeah. So that's-So you were doing a piss, and the piss did you. Yeah, bro. I got I got made pissed by the urinal. Because there's a saying that we say in Australia, if someone got made pissed, means that someone got fucked up. As in they got fucked up in a fight. As I said. So it's like, I got made pissed by the pisser. That makes sense. It wasn't that funny, but you can't win all of them.Right.It's true. Boxing match in your youth. And I got a chipped tooth and my nose is still fucked. But also got a scar here at the bottom. And I woke up in a hospital and shit, still confused about what happened. This is not where I thought that the story I would go. I didn't realize the reason for it would be clumsy. I'm not the smartest person that I know. You know what I mean? I don't even think you're from Australia, dude.

I think you had a traumatic brain injury. This new personality is what come out, and you're actually from Guadalajara, like we've assumed from the beginning. And none of this is real. Ladies and gentlemen, Bruno. Bruno, Bruno. Thank you so much. We appreciate you. Thank you. Is Here's a medium-sized jokebook for you. Oh, shit. There you go. He's a black eye on edibles. It's like, What the hell these jokebooks flying at me? Hey, over there. There you go, buddy. There he goes. Bruno, everyone. What's that? These wild energies. These Australians are wild. All right, one last bucketful. Make some noise for him. It's Luke Wright, everyone. Luke Wright. Hello, all the people. My name's Luke. I identify as a BBC, a badly bald and Caucasian. Yeah, I had a pretty rough childhood. My dad beat me with conservative values. He's a big conspiracy there, you got it, too. He thinks 9/11 was an inside job. I think that's pretty ridiculous. I think it pretty clearly happened outside. We're a religious household, too. We went to church every Sunday. I was a cute kid, so I had to beat the priest off with a stick. Messed up.

I mean, who wants to get beat off with a stick? It's not that bad, though. We would go get Mexican food after to make me feel better. Now, whenever I want to feel like I'm back in my childhood, I just go and get some nice Alpastor tacos. Yeah. Only now I have to pay for Pastor Me in my mouth. Oh, my goodness. A lot of people pushing into the limit here. Luke Wright with a full set.Hi, Luke.How's it going?How are you?I'm doing all right.How old are you? This is insane. This is awesome. This is like a dream come true.Okay.How old are you?I'm good. I just came in for the festival. God, you don't believe me? Oh, no. No, how old are you? How old am I? I'm 23 years old. 23 years old. You don't look a day over Joe DeRosa. Why am I the go-to? I've never seen back-to-back participants have... One has the worst back of the head and then the worst front of the head. Oh, my God. You're aging worse than the homeless guy is. Well, I would say a fine wine, but there's nothing fine about this wine. I don't know.

That was amazing. That was amazing, Luke. Where are you from? I'm from Houston. Houston. And that's where you were born and raised? No, I was born and raised in Connecticut. Well, half and a half. What made you... How long ago did you move to Houston? About 12 years old. So half of my life, I was in Houston. Half of my life, I was in Connecticut. Then you just stayed 12 forever. Yeah, my body stayed 12. My face went to 30 real quick. Yeah. Okay, what do you do for work? Right now, I'm working. I'm about to start working on Wednesday at an art gallery doing guest services stuff. Okay. What did you do before this? I was actually working here in Austin. I was working at a migrant shelter.A migrant shelter?Yeah. Wow, what were you doing at the migrant shelter? Basically, we would take people who got out of ICE attention, and we would give them a place to stay, get on their feet. Why don't you tell us some of this stuff that you learned there about how migrants are handled here in the great state of Texas. Yeah, it's crazy.Yeah, I bet it is.Yeah. People come across the border, right?

If you don't have a visa, you don't submit any papers beforehand, you're handled as an asylum seeker, basically. You go into ICE detention, and you're processed. They do background checks, stuff like that. Then you're released, and you're basically waiting on your case because everyone that comes into the country is fighting an immigration case. Once you're released from detention, you have to file an application for asylum. While that application is being processed, you have to wait 180 days until you're able to legally work in this country. Right. People are let out of prison and expected to be able to sustain themselves for at minimum 180 days without being able to work legally. That's the hole that we filled as a shelter was giving people a place to go in the meantime while they were getting all their paperwork done. Right. They have 180 days. Oh, these guys like a lot of supporters of people moving here that can't work or contribute to the economy. Anyway, very interesting crowd. Must be the people visiting. Must be the people visiting from the Upper East Coast. Imagineimagine what it takes. They can legally work where they came from. How about that?

God damn it. Hit him. Thank you, Tony. Wait, President Trump, what was that?Thank you, Tony.You're You're welcome. You're welcome. Just stating the obvious here. Imagine coming here with all of your dreams, and as soon as you get here, they're like, Your case will be handled by this small boy. You're like, I think we've made a mistake. Did any of them ever give you a hard time? No, they're all great people. Oh, yeah. You like them, huh? Well, no, I did almost get stabbed once. That's right. It wasn't almost. It wasn't almost. Yeah. What were they going to stab you with? It was scissors. What happened? Yeah. How did that go down? She came from a very messed up country. She? Yeah. She came over her entire family. That's what happened. You try to text other girls. Don't fucking do that, dude. Trust me, I know. Don't fuck her else. You know the struggle. I know it, dude. It's scary. Was she Latina? No, she was from Africa. From what? From Africa. Oh, boy, one of those. Okay. Was she from Uganda by any chance? No, it's like a small Like a small Eastern country in Africa.

I don't want to say specifically which one. I don't think we know where they are. Oh, yeah. I forgot where we were. Shit. Okay. Did she say, Oh, Hell, No, right before the show? What was the-No, that's the West side. I'm talking about the east side. Okay. Nice. All right. You have to be geographically confused right now. Oh, shit. Okay, so what happened? What was the dialog before the scissor attack? She got in an argument with another one of the residents at the shelter and got very upset, was trying to attack him, and I basically got between so she didn't hurt anyone. Yeah. Okay. Look at you. Nice. Look at you, a hero. I wouldn't go that far. All right. You almost got attacked. What's your love life like, Luke? You seem like the guy that loves hunting at a playground. I've never seen a molester that looks like a boy. He could play both roles. Yeah, he's a predator and a victim. Yeah. No, it's rough. Yeah, what's it like out there for you? I don't know. It's just hard to find people. Well, you They're looking at me. I mean, it's... But no.

Well, I mean, I don't think you're East African women's type. That's the thing. You're going... I mean, it's cool, but I don't think they like you back. You almost scissored with a migrant. There must be Something going on. What detention center would you put these two Mexican women at exactly? I don't know. Canadian. Canadian, the worst of them all. God. Probably North Dakota. I mean, it's pretty close. I don't know. Perfect. Luke, when you say it's bad, I look like this, whatever, when's the last time you went on a date? About a year ago-ish, year and a half ago. Who was that with? How did that go down? That was just off of Tinder. Okay, so you're on Tinder? Not anymore. What? You just gave up Tinder suicide? Yeah. I just prefer to meet people in person. That hasn't been going so well. Not really. You're just standing by the Rio Grande waiting for me. It's a bad timing. Okay. You got the high vis. All right. Have you ever... Well, you don't live in Austin. You live in Houston. You drove here. Yeah, I actually came here for the festival, and I wasn't even going to be signing up for this show.

But then one of the other comedians let me stay with her. With her? Oh, my goodness gracious. Someone had a baby crib? No, she is a grandmother. What? Wow. Okay. Yeah, she's a grandmother. She's pretty old. I don't know exactly how old. I don't ask. I'm a gentleman. You're a sick fuck. I'm a sick fuck with a place to stay. That's it. That's it. Good for you. Congratulations, Luke. Fun times. You got through it. You did it. I'm out of a medium jokebook. Here's a big jokebook for you, Luke. There you go. All right. We've had fun. There's only one way to end a show like this. Ladies and gentlemen, while there was no Kam Patterson this episode, while there was no Hans Kim, there was no Ari Mati, there is one person who is here tonight who is going to blow your mind to absolute shreds. I'm positive of it because he is the record holder for all time appearances on this show and interviews on this show. A living member, the first living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Ladies and gentlemen, you might know him as the Montenegro Mahler, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla.

This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Quick pro tip. If you ever get to meet Bone Thugs in Harmony, don't ask, Which one of you is Harmony? I used to seal the deal with girls in college by going to their apartment and offering to clean their bathroom, and then I would unseal the deal by taking a shit afterwards. I'm starting an ultimate Frisby fantasy league, and we're already bankrupt. One rule I did have to enforce on the league was, Hacky Sack is illegal in the off-season. We're hurting their ankles. Okay, connection between Hacky Sack and fuck, Ultimate Frisby. Tony, I actually recently invented an anti-gravity It doesn't work, but I was also pretty high when I invented it. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony. William, lights out, Montgomery. The great gumball of the north, the one and the only, William Montgomery. Jared Nathan got wheeled out of the front of this fucking building. He literally came up into the green room vomiting, sick as shit. He had a fever, and they literally wheeled him out 10 minutes ago. Are you serious? Yeah. Wait, shut up. No, seriously. He seemed really sick. You all really...

You all disinfected this, right? I swear to God, he literally fell out. He vomited a bunch in the freaking green room. I had been joking all the time that Jared Nathan seemed super sick. You know me, Tony, I'm a germaphobe person. Then he starts vomiting and he hits his head a little bit on the ground. It really wasn't that. Seriously, it wasn't that bad, but they had to get him out in a stretcher out front. Are you serious? Yeah. Holy shit. I'm just happy to be here right now. No, seriously. I mean, I was excited about being here tonight and everything. Then I'm joking with his ass. I'm like, Don't He was like, Don't touch me. You seem so sick. He literally kept trying to touch me. He was joking around, and he stutters a bunch, so it could be hard to understand what he's even saying to my fucking ass. I just try to be nice, but he ended up vomiting. All of that at once, he started vomiting and hit his head? He vomited a bunch, and he made this weird noise, and we all look at him, and it got on Janice a little bit.

Red Band's Janice. Yeah, it got on her a little bit. Red Band's Girlfriend, soon to be wife, Janice. Did he stutter when he vomited? Was it like a mist? No, he seemed. I don't feel so… I don't feel so… Yeah, it was like that. But no, it seemed like he was more scared. Right. Well, a way to put a little ribbon of sadness on it there at the end. Absolutely incredible. Amazing. What's going on in your life, William? You're a superstar. Oh, my gosh. Finally, I have two. I was in Connecticut this past weekend. It was fun. It was in a mall. I had a good time in Connecticut. The club, though, Tony, they promised me they were going to give me two pizzas. I don't have a lot on my ride or all I have is throatcoat, honey, and soda waters with limes. I don't ask for a lot. Then I'm on a Saturday night, I tried to get a pizza from a place called Pepe's, and they swore to me. They were ordering my two pizzas, and they didn't come at all. Then I started thinking, did they hate me? I really start wondering if the free...

It's like an issue with... Right. You wanted your Pepe's. You were going to eat two pizzas? You were going to eat two whole pizzas? Yeah. They're thin crusts. I've been really hungry. What were the toppings that you went with on these two pizzas? It described to the-Toni, what did I not have on those motherfuckers? We had fucking anchovies all that thing. What's going on? I think you have what Jared has. My throat started hurting a little bit. Right on that. I've luckily got two weeks off. Yeah, Tony, it's bad right now. If you scream at all, your throat clenches up now. It hurt right there. Hold on. I had... This is like if... Oh, my goodness gracious. The people are not going to enjoy this. This is like if Gallagher came down with a watermelon allergy. One of your trademarks is... It hurts so bad. Hold on. What else? I had like,. Oh, wait, wait. I think your throat hurting might be hilarious. Hold on a second. No, it really hurts, Tony. What else was on the pizza? Oh, we had Peppo. Roni's on the... No, that would really hurt. That would really hurt.

This is all just on one pizza? Mm-hmm. Is that all? It's like a Supreme. It was a Supreme. Okay, what was on the other pizza? Oh, extra cheese. Oh, maybe that's a better way to... Okay, we can see him clenching up, ladies and gentlemen. This is incredible. A whole new storyline to keep your eyes on. William can no longer... What else was on the second pizza? Tell us. We got an iceberg lettuce. Oh, that's it. You got iceberg lettuce. I've never even heard of such a thing before. It's Connecticut. Yeah, it's like a hamburger pizza. Oh. Oh, it's good. Extra cheese, iceberg lettuce. Was there sour? It's just that. Yeah, extra cheese, iceberg lettuce. I got a hamburger pizza because it reminds me of a Big Mac. What else was on it? Was there? Some thousand Island. Drafts! Okay. Okay. Only me and Red Man find this confusing for some reason. Every once in a while, you just got to enjoy it. I love it. You didn't get your Pepe's pizzas. What did you end up eating that night? It's a lonely road out there, especially, almost more than anywhere in Connecticut. I got two orders of chicken wings to go, and it was funny.

One of Dan Madonia, who you know, he was one of the guys who was on the show. It was very fun. I guess he farted when I finally opened up my chicken wings, and I thought immediately my brain equated it with the chicken being spoiled because it smelled like spoiled chicken, but it was actually just his farts. Then I ended up forcing myself to eat it, watching forensic files in the hotel room after. It was cold, it was gross, but it was fun. Slipped an hour and a half. Rest in peace to Maryanne Romero, Erica's sweet grandmother. She passed away on Friday. Shoutouts to your girlfriend's dead grandmother. That part is real, ladies and gentlemen. That's it. Very sad. No red band. That actually red band. Normally, I just don't think your stupid ass is funny because I think everybody knows it. I think you get lucky every now and again, but it was that genuinely was a little offensive. If you could say you're sorry, I would appreciate it. I'm sorry. When you said, shout out, I thought you meant, shout out to my… Like, TLC. Oh, I get it. Wow. Wow. So your girlfriend's grandmother passed away.

She's up in heaven eating. She's up in heaven. She's wonderful. She was She was so hospitable to me. That's when I was living in LA, just doing my cocaine, drinking my butt ice all night long. She was so very nice and hospitable to me. I do remember that. I greatly appreciate her love for very much-She was very enabling to your bad habits. I remember that. Now she's up there eating Pepe's Pizza. Tony. You can have all the toppings you want in heaven. Did you know that? Absolutely. William, what else? How do we put a ribbon on this thing? Tell these people, what's going on in your life? Well, the election is coming up. I just hope everybody is registered to vote. Yeah, what's that thing called? What's that thing called, the thingy? There's a place you can go to register to vote. The polls? And this episode is-Yeah, go to the polls this year. Brought to you by them. Yes, you can also register there. Oh, yeah, that is a thing. I get it now. Yeah, register to vote, go to the polls. Go to the polls. Actually voice your opinion. You're going to go to the polls.

You can't just register. You have to go to the polls. That's how you vote. Everyone in this room. And pray for Jared Nathan, seriously. Jared Nathan, Jared Nathan. Pray for Jared Nathan. He really was not good. Jared, a Canadian, is probably voting three times in this election. If we know anything about how it works. But if you go to sendthevote. Org/tony, you can register to vote. But vote for the right person. Because if you like this show, I'll tell you, they already make us bleep certain words. There's one of the candidates that isn't exactly that big on free speech. I'm not going to give anything away.Thank you, Tony.Oh, you're welcome, Mr. President. William, we love you.Nice to be here.William lights out Montgomery, the Vanilla Guerrilla, the Memphis Stranger, the Montenegro Mahler, the Virginia Ham. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in, and it's incredible. Chris DiStefano is on tour. Get tickets of Chris D. Comedy going to Phoenix and Miami. Chrisy Chaos. He's also putting out long clips of his standup on YouTube every Sunday at Chris D. Comedy on YouTube. That's C-H-R-I-S-D Comedy. Yeah, that's great. Joe DeRosa, ladies and gentlemen. It makes a noise for Joe, joederosa.

Com. He's doing a Christmas show in Massachusetts, December seventh. He also has the great Joey Roses, one of my favorite sandwich shops in the world, fully operational in New York City, hopefully coming here to Austin, Texas soon. We hope so. A lot of great stuff happening. Thanks to Hello Fresh and Mando for sponsoring this episode. How about one more It's time for the best damn band in the land, everybody. Everyone in this room. Red Band. Guys, check out sunsetstripatx. Com. Love you guys. Thank you, guys. Good night, everybody. Love you. Bye, bye. Is now dumb for having listened to it. Everyone in this room.

Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. Everyone in this room, everyone in this room is now dumb for having a relationship.