Mel, I just dedicated my 30 year career to the leadership development industry, and my first book was called Management Mess. To leadership success. 30 challenges to become the leader you would follow. And it did extraordinarily well, mainly because, much like you. Okay, not 2 million copies, but much like you, my book touched want it to be there, Russ.Yeah, I get it.I get it. What if it's not bullshit, though, Mel? What if it's. What if it's little Mel? Did you have a nickname when you were. When you were a little girl?This really is becoming therapy. Is it?Well, I give it a try.Yeah. When you started talking about the mismatch with the mom, I'm like, I hope my mother doesn't listen to this episode. Cause I even feel guilty for admitting that we are kind of a mismatch. Or are a mismatch. Yeah, well, sometimes my mom calls me Mellie, and friends of mine call me Melly, and, yeah, friends of mine called me Mellie.Is there a name that you relate to as a child, a nickname that you relate to?You know, in many ways, I think, mel, because I still feel very much like a child at times, and I still feel like that vulnerable kid, and I still feel like the person that's on the outside looking at. I feel separate. Like that word separate makes a lot of sense for me. Like, there's a feeling that I have in life that I'm observing what's happening, but I'm not a part of it.Yeah.And, you know, just because you've kind of given me permission here, I mean, you've spent a lot of your life out running your anxiety. Right? And it's worked for you, Mel. You're very successful. You know, you. It's worked for you. I see this with a lot of very intelligent people. They can intellectually kind of outrun their anxiety.What does that even mean?It means that you keep yourself so busy that you don't get a chance to sit with that alarm in your body.I don't want to sit with it. That's why.Exactly.Why do you think moving to Vermont, where there's nothing to do, is so fucking terrifying? Like, I can't run to target to make my anxiety go away, right? Like, I feel like I'm addicted to negative stress. And this addiction to negative stress is what I've done to numba my anxiety.Well, it's sublimating it.What is sub? That is a big word. What is sublimating?Sure.Sure. Sorry. You've taken this energy and you found a way to make it work for you.So I've taken the negative alarm, or the alarm in my body, and I have channeled it in a direction so I don't have to feel it.Yes.And when you said, what if the alarm is trying to help you?Yeah.What the hell did you mean by that?What if it's. What if it's little Mel? You know, what if it's. What if it' that's stuck in your body. Now, thoughts do cause, you know, morning. So there's all sorts of, like, physiological and. So just like, I want you to pretend Jason's here. Okay, let's coach Jason. So, Jason, tonight, I. When you wake up in the middle of the night, if you do, these are the specific things I want you to do.Yeah. I want you to connect with that feeling in your body. Put your hand over it, breathe into it, and then ask yourself, am I safe in this moment? I know I'm freaked out. I know that there's something happening in a week or two weeks, I got to go to the dentist, or I got to do this, or I got to do that. But in this moment, in this moment right now, where I'm lying in my bed, am I safe? And you go, yeah, I'm safe. And then feel it. Like, you have to associate. This is what I was saying before, is that you have to connect the feeling with the thinking. That's how we heal. That's how we create new neural pathways, is we create the feeling. And the feeling will sear in the thinking. So when you say, am I safe in this moment? And you go, I am safe, some people will say, I am safe in this moment, rather than making it a question. But my daughter Leandra said that that's the single biggest tip that doctor dad has ever given her with regard to her anxiety, because when she was 21, she still has it a little bit.But when she was 21, she went through a really difficult time. But she said, the most important thing that you've ever told me is, am I safe in this moment? And in the middle of the day, in the middle of the night, when your mind is going nuts, you can just say, I know. Because anxiety is always about the future. It's always about the future. So if you bring yourself into the present moment, and one of the ways of doing that is with sensation. You know, with sensation when you touch your own chest, when you take a deep breath, when you smell an essential oil, when you hum, when you sing, you're bringing yourself into the sensation of the present moment, and you're taking. You're removing that focus on the future or the past or the pain of the past. When you bring yourself into the present moment, that's the fertile ground of healing, is the present moment. We don't heal when we're stuck in our trauma, and we don't heal when we're stuck in our worries. We heal in the present moment. Sensation of our body. That's how we heal. Now. The cognitive structures help once you, and that's what helped with me was all the cognitive behavior therapy and stuff that I did for years and years and years after I started regulating my body.It was like, oh, this is what it is. It all starts to make sense. The puzzle pieces start coming back into connection again. It's like, oh, yeah, like, that's what I came about with. I didn't get enough attention as a child from my mother, so because my brother was, was sick with club feet or my dad was crazy, so I made myself small. So now it's like I've got to be seen. But again, there's part of me that hates being seen. So it is this real dichotomy that I go back and forth of. So now I accept that. I accept that that little boy in me needs the attention and I give it to him, and I don't need it so much from the outside. And I think that's, that's when you know, you're, you're starting to heal is like you don't need so much attention from the outside. And you are more connected in your relationships to other people because when you're in this dissociated alarm state, you're in survival mode. And in survival mode, the social engagement system that all humans have is shut up. You know, eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, body language.It gets shut off when we're, when we're alarmed. So no wonder we don't want to go to a party. No wonder we have social anxiety. No wonder we can't connect with our spouse or our kids, because evolutionarily, we are built when we're in alarm. That connection isn't what we're looking for. We're looking for safety. So it's very hard to be warm and connected to your spouse or your kids or whatever when you're in alarm. And a lot of people feel so guilty about that. It's like I, and they question their relation. Am I in the right relationship? It's state, this sympathetic activated state. So when you're in that sympathetic activated state, you start thinking, it's safer for me to keep myself at this level of activation all the time. And then you can't sleep, you don't eat well, it just screws up your entire life when you can't move yourself into parasympathetic.I remember the quick story that I'll tell you is that I used to get massages from my favorite massage therapist, who's now retired. And sometimes I would walk out of her studio feeling so relaxed that I have a panic attack. Because when I was relaxed as a child, that was exactly the time I got smashed in the face by my dad. Not physically, but he would be going into depression or going into mania or going into psychosis. So there was this thinggoing to have to react to it. So there is, chapter 62 in my book is about when it's not safe to feel safe. And that's one of the reasons why people have such a hard time healing from anxiety is because. Because when I get people feeling better again, they don't trust it. Because it goes back to that place where when I felt safe as a kid, I got blindsided.I want to try to connect the dots, particularly on this question about sleep, because we're getting so many questions from listeners who are having trouble sleeping.Sure.And you've said a couple things that I want to try to connect. First of all, you have said that all anxiety begins from a moment where you feel separate or unsafe, typically during childhood.Yes.And that any time from that moment forward that you feel separate or unsafe, it'sa fix my car right now. It might be that you didn't get into the school you wanted to get into. It might be that you get. You start coughing and you're really worried about something going on because there's something that is a health diagnosis in your family. There is. The first arrow, boom. Hits, right? The second arrow that gets fired is your reaction to what just happened. It's the arrow that you fire at yourself based on what you think next. And when you start to understand that life is going to fire arrows at you all the time, the research shows you get at least three or four a day. That triggers you to worry. The worry, the anxiety, the catastrophizing. That is the second arrow, and it causes you so much pain. And I'm going to prove this to you based on some research studies that they've done about how anticipatory worry or being afraid of something or this kind of negative thinking lights up the pain pathways in your brain.And I love this visual of the two arrows in life, right? That anytime you suffer misfortune, boom, two arrows fly in the air. The first one is fired by life. It hits you right in the heart. And the second arrow is the arrow that you fire right into your forehead and it's your reaction, and that adds pain. And this is also a concept that has been studied and researched extensively in psychology. What psychologists and psychiatrists call this is having a primary and secondary emotional response. So your primary emotional response is your immediate reaction to having something bad happened or a fear of yours, or some sort of expectation that you have the secondary emotion that you feel. This is the thing that lingers, is the emotions that you sit with in reaction to it. So examples of this might be that when somebody dies, you have a primary emotion of profound shock 's feeling anxious.Well, I would start with, tell me about your anxiety right now. What are you feeling? What's happening not only physically in your body, but of course, emotionally. I mean, those are the two main pillars.And then you keep going, and anything else, and he does that over until I'm literally like, the tank is completely empty. You know what else I've noticed, and I think this is a really important thing, is that you don't respond to what comes out of my mouth.No answers. You cannot provide any direction or guidance or go for the solve.Why?Because there is no solve. Particularly when you're in the acute moment. There is no. Nothing is going to resolve that right there. And then even if you have the most best, you know, idea ever, what.Is it that you've observed when you get somebody back to zero and in the moment, what do you observe in.The person, people coming back to right now and how that in and of itself is such a powerful grounding mechanism? When you're right here, you're. You are out of. You're out of your head. You're not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow or wherever the source of that anxiety may be coming from. You're present to your physical space and surroundings. And that, I think, has, it must. I know it has a profound effect on calming it, not necessarily extinguishing it, but certainly calming it.I think that's true superpower.I really do, like, you are the most grounded, calm person in my life. I wonder if it's the years of having a meditation practice and being a practicing Buddhist that has trained that skill in you.I've never sat down to think about where it comes from now, necessarily. But yes, in buddhist tradition or practices, completely just being in observance and the act of deep listening, not just, you know, opening your ears, but really listening for what is being said is totally, you know. That's right up a buddhist Sally, for sure.Wow. Now, I know our kids like you more. I'm more fun. But you're the one that grounds us all. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.

want it to be there, Russ.

Yeah, I get it.

I get it. What if it's not bullshit, though, Mel? What if it's. What if it's little Mel? Did you have a nickname when you were. When you were a little girl?

This really is becoming therapy. Is it?

Well, I give it a try.

Yeah. When you started talking about the mismatch with the mom, I'm like, I hope my mother doesn't listen to this episode. Cause I even feel guilty for admitting that we are kind of a mismatch. Or are a mismatch. Yeah, well, sometimes my mom calls me Mellie, and friends of mine call me Melly, and, yeah, friends of mine called me Mellie.

Is there a name that you relate to as a child, a nickname that you relate to?

You know, in many ways, I think, mel, because I still feel very much like a child at times, and I still feel like that vulnerable kid, and I still feel like the person that's on the outside looking at. I feel separate. Like that word separate makes a lot of sense for me. Like, there's a feeling that I have in life that I'm observing what's happening, but I'm not a part of it.

Yeah.

And, you know, just because you've kind of given me permission here, I mean, you've spent a lot of your life out running your anxiety. Right? And it's worked for you, Mel. You're very successful. You know, you. It's worked for you. I see this with a lot of very intelligent people. They can intellectually kind of outrun their anxiety.

What does that even mean?

It means that you keep yourself so busy that you don't get a chance to sit with that alarm in your body.

I don't want to sit with it. That's why.

Exactly.

Why do you think moving to Vermont, where there's nothing to do, is so fucking terrifying? Like, I can't run to target to make my anxiety go away, right? Like, I feel like I'm addicted to negative stress. And this addiction to negative stress is what I've done to numba my anxiety.

Well, it's sublimating it.

What is sub? That is a big word. What is sublimating?

Sure.

Sure. Sorry. You've taken this energy and you found a way to make it work for you.

So I've taken the negative alarm, or the alarm in my body, and I have channeled it in a direction so I don't have to feel it.

Yes.

And when you said, what if the alarm is trying to help you?

Yeah.

What the hell did you mean by that?

What if it's. What if it's little Mel? You know, what if it's. What if it' that's stuck in your body. Now, thoughts do cause, you know, morning. So there's all sorts of, like, physiological and. So just like, I want you to pretend Jason's here. Okay, let's coach Jason. So, Jason, tonight, I. When you wake up in the middle of the night, if you do, these are the specific things I want you to do.Yeah. I want you to connect with that feeling in your body. Put your hand over it, breathe into it, and then ask yourself, am I safe in this moment? I know I'm freaked out. I know that there's something happening in a week or two weeks, I got to go to the dentist, or I got to do this, or I got to do that. But in this moment, in this moment right now, where I'm lying in my bed, am I safe? And you go, yeah, I'm safe. And then feel it. Like, you have to associate. This is what I was saying before, is that you have to connect the feeling with the thinking. That's how we heal. That's how we create new neural pathways, is we create the feeling. And the feeling will sear in the thinking. So when you say, am I safe in this moment? And you go, I am safe, some people will say, I am safe in this moment, rather than making it a question. But my daughter Leandra said that that's the single biggest tip that doctor dad has ever given her with regard to her anxiety, because when she was 21, she still has it a little bit.But when she was 21, she went through a really difficult time. But she said, the most important thing that you've ever told me is, am I safe in this moment? And in the middle of the day, in the middle of the night, when your mind is going nuts, you can just say, I know. Because anxiety is always about the future. It's always about the future. So if you bring yourself into the present moment, and one of the ways of doing that is with sensation. You know, with sensation when you touch your own chest, when you take a deep breath, when you smell an essential oil, when you hum, when you sing, you're bringing yourself into the sensation of the present moment, and you're taking. You're removing that focus on the future or the past or the pain of the past. When you bring yourself into the present moment, that's the fertile ground of healing, is the present moment. We don't heal when we're stuck in our trauma, and we don't heal when we're stuck in our worries. We heal in the present moment. Sensation of our body. That's how we heal. Now. The cognitive structures help once you, and that's what helped with me was all the cognitive behavior therapy and stuff that I did for years and years and years after I started regulating my body.It was like, oh, this is what it is. It all starts to make sense. The puzzle pieces start coming back into connection again. It's like, oh, yeah, like, that's what I came about with. I didn't get enough attention as a child from my mother, so because my brother was, was sick with club feet or my dad was crazy, so I made myself small. So now it's like I've got to be seen. But again, there's part of me that hates being seen. So it is this real dichotomy that I go back and forth of. So now I accept that. I accept that that little boy in me needs the attention and I give it to him, and I don't need it so much from the outside. And I think that's, that's when you know, you're, you're starting to heal is like you don't need so much attention from the outside. And you are more connected in your relationships to other people because when you're in this dissociated alarm state, you're in survival mode. And in survival mode, the social engagement system that all humans have is shut up. You know, eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, body language.It gets shut off when we're, when we're alarmed. So no wonder we don't want to go to a party. No wonder we have social anxiety. No wonder we can't connect with our spouse or our kids, because evolutionarily, we are built when we're in alarm. That connection isn't what we're looking for. We're looking for safety. So it's very hard to be warm and connected to your spouse or your kids or whatever when you're in alarm. And a lot of people feel so guilty about that. It's like I, and they question their relation. Am I in the right relationship? It's state, this sympathetic activated state. So when you're in that sympathetic activated state, you start thinking, it's safer for me to keep myself at this level of activation all the time. And then you can't sleep, you don't eat well, it just screws up your entire life when you can't move yourself into parasympathetic.I remember the quick story that I'll tell you is that I used to get massages from my favorite massage therapist, who's now retired. And sometimes I would walk out of her studio feeling so relaxed that I have a panic attack. Because when I was relaxed as a child, that was exactly the time I got smashed in the face by my dad. Not physically, but he would be going into depression or going into mania or going into psychosis. So there was this thinggoing to have to react to it. So there is, chapter 62 in my book is about when it's not safe to feel safe. And that's one of the reasons why people have such a hard time healing from anxiety is because. Because when I get people feeling better again, they don't trust it. Because it goes back to that place where when I felt safe as a kid, I got blindsided.I want to try to connect the dots, particularly on this question about sleep, because we're getting so many questions from listeners who are having trouble sleeping.Sure.And you've said a couple things that I want to try to connect. First of all, you have said that all anxiety begins from a moment where you feel separate or unsafe, typically during childhood.Yes.And that any time from that moment forward that you feel separate or unsafe, it'sa fix my car right now. It might be that you didn't get into the school you wanted to get into. It might be that you get. You start coughing and you're really worried about something going on because there's something that is a health diagnosis in your family. There is. The first arrow, boom. Hits, right? The second arrow that gets fired is your reaction to what just happened. It's the arrow that you fire at yourself based on what you think next. And when you start to understand that life is going to fire arrows at you all the time, the research shows you get at least three or four a day. That triggers you to worry. The worry, the anxiety, the catastrophizing. That is the second arrow, and it causes you so much pain. And I'm going to prove this to you based on some research studies that they've done about how anticipatory worry or being afraid of something or this kind of negative thinking lights up the pain pathways in your brain.And I love this visual of the two arrows in life, right? That anytime you suffer misfortune, boom, two arrows fly in the air. The first one is fired by life. It hits you right in the heart. And the second arrow is the arrow that you fire right into your forehead and it's your reaction, and that adds pain. And this is also a concept that has been studied and researched extensively in psychology. What psychologists and psychiatrists call this is having a primary and secondary emotional response. So your primary emotional response is your immediate reaction to having something bad happened or a fear of yours, or some sort of expectation that you have the secondary emotion that you feel. This is the thing that lingers, is the emotions that you sit with in reaction to it. So examples of this might be that when somebody dies, you have a primary emotion of profound shock 's feeling anxious.Well, I would start with, tell me about your anxiety right now. What are you feeling? What's happening not only physically in your body, but of course, emotionally. I mean, those are the two main pillars.And then you keep going, and anything else, and he does that over until I'm literally like, the tank is completely empty. You know what else I've noticed, and I think this is a really important thing, is that you don't respond to what comes out of my mouth.No answers. You cannot provide any direction or guidance or go for the solve.Why?Because there is no solve. Particularly when you're in the acute moment. There is no. Nothing is going to resolve that right there. And then even if you have the most best, you know, idea ever, what.Is it that you've observed when you get somebody back to zero and in the moment, what do you observe in.The person, people coming back to right now and how that in and of itself is such a powerful grounding mechanism? When you're right here, you're. You are out of. You're out of your head. You're not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow or wherever the source of that anxiety may be coming from. You're present to your physical space and surroundings. And that, I think, has, it must. I know it has a profound effect on calming it, not necessarily extinguishing it, but certainly calming it.I think that's true superpower.I really do, like, you are the most grounded, calm person in my life. I wonder if it's the years of having a meditation practice and being a practicing Buddhist that has trained that skill in you.I've never sat down to think about where it comes from now, necessarily. But yes, in buddhist tradition or practices, completely just being in observance and the act of deep listening, not just, you know, opening your ears, but really listening for what is being said is totally, you know. That's right up a buddhist Sally, for sure.Wow. Now, I know our kids like you more. I'm more fun. But you're the one that grounds us all. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.

that's stuck in your body. Now, thoughts do cause, you know, morning. So there's all sorts of, like, physiological and. So just like, I want you to pretend Jason's here. Okay, let's coach Jason. So, Jason, tonight, I. When you wake up in the middle of the night, if you do, these are the specific things I want you to do.Yeah. I want you to connect with that feeling in your body. Put your hand over it, breathe into it, and then ask yourself, am I safe in this moment? I know I'm freaked out. I know that there's something happening in a week or two weeks, I got to go to the dentist, or I got to do this, or I got to do that. But in this moment, in this moment right now, where I'm lying in my bed, am I safe? And you go, yeah, I'm safe. And then feel it. Like, you have to associate. This is what I was saying before, is that you have to connect the feeling with the thinking. That's how we heal. That's how we create new neural pathways, is we create the feeling. And the feeling will sear in the thinking. So when you say, am I safe in this moment? And you go, I am safe, some people will say, I am safe in this moment, rather than making it a question. But my daughter Leandra said that that's the single biggest tip that doctor dad has ever given her with regard to her anxiety, because when she was 21, she still has it a little bit.But when she was 21, she went through a really difficult time. But she said, the most important thing that you've ever told me is, am I safe in this moment? And in the middle of the day, in the middle of the night, when your mind is going nuts, you can just say, I know. Because anxiety is always about the future. It's always about the future. So if you bring yourself into the present moment, and one of the ways of doing that is with sensation. You know, with sensation when you touch your own chest, when you take a deep breath, when you smell an essential oil, when you hum, when you sing, you're bringing yourself into the sensation of the present moment, and you're taking. You're removing that focus on the future or the past or the pain of the past. When you bring yourself into the present moment, that's the fertile ground of healing, is the present moment. We don't heal when we're stuck in our trauma, and we don't heal when we're stuck in our worries. We heal in the present moment. Sensation of our body. That's how we heal. Now. The cognitive structures help once you, and that's what helped with me was all the cognitive behavior therapy and stuff that I did for years and years and years after I started regulating my body.It was like, oh, this is what it is. It all starts to make sense. The puzzle pieces start coming back into connection again. It's like, oh, yeah, like, that's what I came about with. I didn't get enough attention as a child from my mother, so because my brother was, was sick with club feet or my dad was crazy, so I made myself small. So now it's like I've got to be seen. But again, there's part of me that hates being seen. So it is this real dichotomy that I go back and forth of. So now I accept that. I accept that that little boy in me needs the attention and I give it to him, and I don't need it so much from the outside. And I think that's, that's when you know, you're, you're starting to heal is like you don't need so much attention from the outside. And you are more connected in your relationships to other people because when you're in this dissociated alarm state, you're in survival mode. And in survival mode, the social engagement system that all humans have is shut up. You know, eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, body language.It gets shut off when we're, when we're alarmed. So no wonder we don't want to go to a party. No wonder we have social anxiety. No wonder we can't connect with our spouse or our kids, because evolutionarily, we are built when we're in alarm. That connection isn't what we're looking for. We're looking for safety. So it's very hard to be warm and connected to your spouse or your kids or whatever when you're in alarm. And a lot of people feel so guilty about that. It's like I, and they question their relation. Am I in the right relationship? It's state, this sympathetic activated state. So when you're in that sympathetic activated state, you start thinking, it's safer for me to keep myself at this level of activation all the time. And then you can't sleep, you don't eat well, it just screws up your entire life when you can't move yourself into parasympathetic.I remember the quick story that I'll tell you is that I used to get massages from my favorite massage therapist, who's now retired. And sometimes I would walk out of her studio feeling so relaxed that I have a panic attack. Because when I was relaxed as a child, that was exactly the time I got smashed in the face by my dad. Not physically, but he would be going into depression or going into mania or going into psychosis. So there was this thinggoing to have to react to it. So there is, chapter 62 in my book is about when it's not safe to feel safe. And that's one of the reasons why people have such a hard time healing from anxiety is because. Because when I get people feeling better again, they don't trust it. Because it goes back to that place where when I felt safe as a kid, I got blindsided.I want to try to connect the dots, particularly on this question about sleep, because we're getting so many questions from listeners who are having trouble sleeping.Sure.And you've said a couple things that I want to try to connect. First of all, you have said that all anxiety begins from a moment where you feel separate or unsafe, typically during childhood.Yes.And that any time from that moment forward that you feel separate or unsafe, it'sa fix my car right now. It might be that you didn't get into the school you wanted to get into. It might be that you get. You start coughing and you're really worried about something going on because there's something that is a health diagnosis in your family. There is. The first arrow, boom. Hits, right? The second arrow that gets fired is your reaction to what just happened. It's the arrow that you fire at yourself based on what you think next. And when you start to understand that life is going to fire arrows at you all the time, the research shows you get at least three or four a day. That triggers you to worry. The worry, the anxiety, the catastrophizing. That is the second arrow, and it causes you so much pain. And I'm going to prove this to you based on some research studies that they've done about how anticipatory worry or being afraid of something or this kind of negative thinking lights up the pain pathways in your brain.And I love this visual of the two arrows in life, right? That anytime you suffer misfortune, boom, two arrows fly in the air. The first one is fired by life. It hits you right in the heart. And the second arrow is the arrow that you fire right into your forehead and it's your reaction, and that adds pain. And this is also a concept that has been studied and researched extensively in psychology. What psychologists and psychiatrists call this is having a primary and secondary emotional response. So your primary emotional response is your immediate reaction to having something bad happened or a fear of yours, or some sort of expectation that you have the secondary emotion that you feel. This is the thing that lingers, is the emotions that you sit with in reaction to it. So examples of this might be that when somebody dies, you have a primary emotion of profound shock 's feeling anxious.Well, I would start with, tell me about your anxiety right now. What are you feeling? What's happening not only physically in your body, but of course, emotionally. I mean, those are the two main pillars.And then you keep going, and anything else, and he does that over until I'm literally like, the tank is completely empty. You know what else I've noticed, and I think this is a really important thing, is that you don't respond to what comes out of my mouth.No answers. You cannot provide any direction or guidance or go for the solve.Why?Because there is no solve. Particularly when you're in the acute moment. There is no. Nothing is going to resolve that right there. And then even if you have the most best, you know, idea ever, what.Is it that you've observed when you get somebody back to zero and in the moment, what do you observe in.The person, people coming back to right now and how that in and of itself is such a powerful grounding mechanism? When you're right here, you're. You are out of. You're out of your head. You're not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow or wherever the source of that anxiety may be coming from. You're present to your physical space and surroundings. And that, I think, has, it must. I know it has a profound effect on calming it, not necessarily extinguishing it, but certainly calming it.I think that's true superpower.I really do, like, you are the most grounded, calm person in my life. I wonder if it's the years of having a meditation practice and being a practicing Buddhist that has trained that skill in you.I've never sat down to think about where it comes from now, necessarily. But yes, in buddhist tradition or practices, completely just being in observance and the act of deep listening, not just, you know, opening your ears, but really listening for what is being said is totally, you know. That's right up a buddhist Sally, for sure.Wow. Now, I know our kids like you more. I'm more fun. But you're the one that grounds us all. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.

morning. So there's all sorts of, like, physiological and. So just like, I want you to pretend Jason's here. Okay, let's coach Jason. So, Jason, tonight, I. When you wake up in the middle of the night, if you do, these are the specific things I want you to do.Yeah. I want you to connect with that feeling in your body. Put your hand over it, breathe into it, and then ask yourself, am I safe in this moment? I know I'm freaked out. I know that there's something happening in a week or two weeks, I got to go to the dentist, or I got to do this, or I got to do that. But in this moment, in this moment right now, where I'm lying in my bed, am I safe? And you go, yeah, I'm safe. And then feel it. Like, you have to associate. This is what I was saying before, is that you have to connect the feeling with the thinking. That's how we heal. That's how we create new neural pathways, is we create the feeling. And the feeling will sear in the thinking. So when you say, am I safe in this moment? And you go, I am safe, some people will say, I am safe in this moment, rather than making it a question. But my daughter Leandra said that that's the single biggest tip that doctor dad has ever given her with regard to her anxiety, because when she was 21, she still has it a little bit.But when she was 21, she went through a really difficult time. But she said, the most important thing that you've ever told me is, am I safe in this moment? And in the middle of the day, in the middle of the night, when your mind is going nuts, you can just say, I know. Because anxiety is always about the future. It's always about the future. So if you bring yourself into the present moment, and one of the ways of doing that is with sensation. You know, with sensation when you touch your own chest, when you take a deep breath, when you smell an essential oil, when you hum, when you sing, you're bringing yourself into the sensation of the present moment, and you're taking. You're removing that focus on the future or the past or the pain of the past. When you bring yourself into the present moment, that's the fertile ground of healing, is the present moment. We don't heal when we're stuck in our trauma, and we don't heal when we're stuck in our worries. We heal in the present moment. Sensation of our body. That's how we heal. Now. The cognitive structures help once you, and that's what helped with me was all the cognitive behavior therapy and stuff that I did for years and years and years after I started regulating my body.It was like, oh, this is what it is. It all starts to make sense. The puzzle pieces start coming back into connection again. It's like, oh, yeah, like, that's what I came about with. I didn't get enough attention as a child from my mother, so because my brother was, was sick with club feet or my dad was crazy, so I made myself small. So now it's like I've got to be seen. But again, there's part of me that hates being seen. So it is this real dichotomy that I go back and forth of. So now I accept that. I accept that that little boy in me needs the attention and I give it to him, and I don't need it so much from the outside. And I think that's, that's when you know, you're, you're starting to heal is like you don't need so much attention from the outside. And you are more connected in your relationships to other people because when you're in this dissociated alarm state, you're in survival mode. And in survival mode, the social engagement system that all humans have is shut up. You know, eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, body language.It gets shut off when we're, when we're alarmed. So no wonder we don't want to go to a party. No wonder we have social anxiety. No wonder we can't connect with our spouse or our kids, because evolutionarily, we are built when we're in alarm. That connection isn't what we're looking for. We're looking for safety. So it's very hard to be warm and connected to your spouse or your kids or whatever when you're in alarm. And a lot of people feel so guilty about that. It's like I, and they question their relation. Am I in the right relationship? It's state, this sympathetic activated state. So when you're in that sympathetic activated state, you start thinking, it's safer for me to keep myself at this level of activation all the time. And then you can't sleep, you don't eat well, it just screws up your entire life when you can't move yourself into parasympathetic.I remember the quick story that I'll tell you is that I used to get massages from my favorite massage therapist, who's now retired. And sometimes I would walk out of her studio feeling so relaxed that I have a panic attack. Because when I was relaxed as a child, that was exactly the time I got smashed in the face by my dad. Not physically, but he would be going into depression or going into mania or going into psychosis. So there was this thinggoing to have to react to it. So there is, chapter 62 in my book is about when it's not safe to feel safe. And that's one of the reasons why people have such a hard time healing from anxiety is because. Because when I get people feeling better again, they don't trust it. Because it goes back to that place where when I felt safe as a kid, I got blindsided.I want to try to connect the dots, particularly on this question about sleep, because we're getting so many questions from listeners who are having trouble sleeping.Sure.And you've said a couple things that I want to try to connect. First of all, you have said that all anxiety begins from a moment where you feel separate or unsafe, typically during childhood.Yes.And that any time from that moment forward that you feel separate or unsafe, it'sa fix my car right now. It might be that you didn't get into the school you wanted to get into. It might be that you get. You start coughing and you're really worried about something going on because there's something that is a health diagnosis in your family. There is. The first arrow, boom. Hits, right? The second arrow that gets fired is your reaction to what just happened. It's the arrow that you fire at yourself based on what you think next. And when you start to understand that life is going to fire arrows at you all the time, the research shows you get at least three or four a day. That triggers you to worry. The worry, the anxiety, the catastrophizing. That is the second arrow, and it causes you so much pain. And I'm going to prove this to you based on some research studies that they've done about how anticipatory worry or being afraid of something or this kind of negative thinking lights up the pain pathways in your brain.And I love this visual of the two arrows in life, right? That anytime you suffer misfortune, boom, two arrows fly in the air. The first one is fired by life. It hits you right in the heart. And the second arrow is the arrow that you fire right into your forehead and it's your reaction, and that adds pain. And this is also a concept that has been studied and researched extensively in psychology. What psychologists and psychiatrists call this is having a primary and secondary emotional response. So your primary emotional response is your immediate reaction to having something bad happened or a fear of yours, or some sort of expectation that you have the secondary emotion that you feel. This is the thing that lingers, is the emotions that you sit with in reaction to it. So examples of this might be that when somebody dies, you have a primary emotion of profound shock 's feeling anxious.Well, I would start with, tell me about your anxiety right now. What are you feeling? What's happening not only physically in your body, but of course, emotionally. I mean, those are the two main pillars.And then you keep going, and anything else, and he does that over until I'm literally like, the tank is completely empty. You know what else I've noticed, and I think this is a really important thing, is that you don't respond to what comes out of my mouth.No answers. You cannot provide any direction or guidance or go for the solve.Why?Because there is no solve. Particularly when you're in the acute moment. There is no. Nothing is going to resolve that right there. And then even if you have the most best, you know, idea ever, what.Is it that you've observed when you get somebody back to zero and in the moment, what do you observe in.The person, people coming back to right now and how that in and of itself is such a powerful grounding mechanism? When you're right here, you're. You are out of. You're out of your head. You're not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow or wherever the source of that anxiety may be coming from. You're present to your physical space and surroundings. And that, I think, has, it must. I know it has a profound effect on calming it, not necessarily extinguishing it, but certainly calming it.I think that's true superpower.I really do, like, you are the most grounded, calm person in my life. I wonder if it's the years of having a meditation practice and being a practicing Buddhist that has trained that skill in you.I've never sat down to think about where it comes from now, necessarily. But yes, in buddhist tradition or practices, completely just being in observance and the act of deep listening, not just, you know, opening your ears, but really listening for what is being said is totally, you know. That's right up a buddhist Sally, for sure.Wow. Now, I know our kids like you more. I'm more fun. But you're the one that grounds us all. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.

. So just like, I want you to pretend Jason's here. Okay, let's coach Jason. So, Jason, tonight, I. When you wake up in the middle of the night, if you do, these are the specific things I want you to do.

Yeah. I want you to connect with that feeling in your body. Put your hand over it, breathe into it, and then ask yourself, am I safe in this moment? I know I'm freaked out. I know that there's something happening in a week or two weeks, I got to go to the dentist, or I got to do this, or I got to do that. But in this moment, in this moment right now, where I'm lying in my bed, am I safe? And you go, yeah, I'm safe. And then feel it. Like, you have to associate. This is what I was saying before, is that you have to connect the feeling with the thinking. That's how we heal. That's how we create new neural pathways, is we create the feeling. And the feeling will sear in the thinking. So when you say, am I safe in this moment? And you go, I am safe, some people will say, I am safe in this moment, rather than making it a question. But my daughter Leandra said that that's the single biggest tip that doctor dad has ever given her with regard to her anxiety, because when she was 21, she still has it a little bit.

But when she was 21, she went through a really difficult time. But she said, the most important thing that you've ever told me is, am I safe in this moment? And in the middle of the day, in the middle of the night, when your mind is going nuts, you can just say, I know. Because anxiety is always about the future. It's always about the future. So if you bring yourself into the present moment, and one of the ways of doing that is with sensation. You know, with sensation when you touch your own chest, when you take a deep breath, when you smell an essential oil, when you hum, when you sing, you're bringing yourself into the sensation of the present moment, and you're taking. You're removing that focus on the future or the past or the pain of the past. When you bring yourself into the present moment, that's the fertile ground of healing, is the present moment. We don't heal when we're stuck in our trauma, and we don't heal when we're stuck in our worries. We heal in the present moment. Sensation of our body. That's how we heal. Now. The cognitive structures help once you, and that's what helped with me was all the cognitive behavior therapy and stuff that I did for years and years and years after I started regulating my body.

It was like, oh, this is what it is. It all starts to make sense. The puzzle pieces start coming back into connection again. It's like, oh, yeah, like, that's what I came about with. I didn't get enough attention as a child from my mother, so because my brother was, was sick with club feet or my dad was crazy, so I made myself small. So now it's like I've got to be seen. But again, there's part of me that hates being seen. So it is this real dichotomy that I go back and forth of. So now I accept that. I accept that that little boy in me needs the attention and I give it to him, and I don't need it so much from the outside. And I think that's, that's when you know, you're, you're starting to heal is like you don't need so much attention from the outside. And you are more connected in your relationships to other people because when you're in this dissociated alarm state, you're in survival mode. And in survival mode, the social engagement system that all humans have is shut up. You know, eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, body language.

It gets shut off when we're, when we're alarmed. So no wonder we don't want to go to a party. No wonder we have social anxiety. No wonder we can't connect with our spouse or our kids, because evolutionarily, we are built when we're in alarm. That connection isn't what we're looking for. We're looking for safety. So it's very hard to be warm and connected to your spouse or your kids or whatever when you're in alarm. And a lot of people feel so guilty about that. It's like I, and they question their relation. Am I in the right relationship? It's state, this sympathetic activated state. So when you're in that sympathetic activated state, you start thinking, it's safer for me to keep myself at this level of activation all the time. And then you can't sleep, you don't eat well, it just screws up your entire life when you can't move yourself into parasympathetic.I remember the quick story that I'll tell you is that I used to get massages from my favorite massage therapist, who's now retired. And sometimes I would walk out of her studio feeling so relaxed that I have a panic attack. Because when I was relaxed as a child, that was exactly the time I got smashed in the face by my dad. Not physically, but he would be going into depression or going into mania or going into psychosis. So there was this thinggoing to have to react to it. So there is, chapter 62 in my book is about when it's not safe to feel safe. And that's one of the reasons why people have such a hard time healing from anxiety is because. Because when I get people feeling better again, they don't trust it. Because it goes back to that place where when I felt safe as a kid, I got blindsided.I want to try to connect the dots, particularly on this question about sleep, because we're getting so many questions from listeners who are having trouble sleeping.Sure.And you've said a couple things that I want to try to connect. First of all, you have said that all anxiety begins from a moment where you feel separate or unsafe, typically during childhood.Yes.And that any time from that moment forward that you feel separate or unsafe, it'sa fix my car right now. It might be that you didn't get into the school you wanted to get into. It might be that you get. You start coughing and you're really worried about something going on because there's something that is a health diagnosis in your family. There is. The first arrow, boom. Hits, right? The second arrow that gets fired is your reaction to what just happened. It's the arrow that you fire at yourself based on what you think next. And when you start to understand that life is going to fire arrows at you all the time, the research shows you get at least three or four a day. That triggers you to worry. The worry, the anxiety, the catastrophizing. That is the second arrow, and it causes you so much pain. And I'm going to prove this to you based on some research studies that they've done about how anticipatory worry or being afraid of something or this kind of negative thinking lights up the pain pathways in your brain.And I love this visual of the two arrows in life, right? That anytime you suffer misfortune, boom, two arrows fly in the air. The first one is fired by life. It hits you right in the heart. And the second arrow is the arrow that you fire right into your forehead and it's your reaction, and that adds pain. And this is also a concept that has been studied and researched extensively in psychology. What psychologists and psychiatrists call this is having a primary and secondary emotional response. So your primary emotional response is your immediate reaction to having something bad happened or a fear of yours, or some sort of expectation that you have the secondary emotion that you feel. This is the thing that lingers, is the emotions that you sit with in reaction to it. So examples of this might be that when somebody dies, you have a primary emotion of profound shock 's feeling anxious.Well, I would start with, tell me about your anxiety right now. What are you feeling? What's happening not only physically in your body, but of course, emotionally. I mean, those are the two main pillars.And then you keep going, and anything else, and he does that over until I'm literally like, the tank is completely empty. You know what else I've noticed, and I think this is a really important thing, is that you don't respond to what comes out of my mouth.No answers. You cannot provide any direction or guidance or go for the solve.Why?Because there is no solve. Particularly when you're in the acute moment. There is no. Nothing is going to resolve that right there. And then even if you have the most best, you know, idea ever, what.Is it that you've observed when you get somebody back to zero and in the moment, what do you observe in.The person, people coming back to right now and how that in and of itself is such a powerful grounding mechanism? When you're right here, you're. You are out of. You're out of your head. You're not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow or wherever the source of that anxiety may be coming from. You're present to your physical space and surroundings. And that, I think, has, it must. I know it has a profound effect on calming it, not necessarily extinguishing it, but certainly calming it.I think that's true superpower.I really do, like, you are the most grounded, calm person in my life. I wonder if it's the years of having a meditation practice and being a practicing Buddhist that has trained that skill in you.I've never sat down to think about where it comes from now, necessarily. But yes, in buddhist tradition or practices, completely just being in observance and the act of deep listening, not just, you know, opening your ears, but really listening for what is being said is totally, you know. That's right up a buddhist Sally, for sure.Wow. Now, I know our kids like you more. I'm more fun. But you're the one that grounds us all. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.

state, this sympathetic activated state. So when you're in that sympathetic activated state, you start thinking, it's safer for me to keep myself at this level of activation all the time. And then you can't sleep, you don't eat well, it just screws up your entire life when you can't move yourself into parasympathetic.

I remember the quick story that I'll tell you is that I used to get massages from my favorite massage therapist, who's now retired. And sometimes I would walk out of her studio feeling so relaxed that I have a panic attack. Because when I was relaxed as a child, that was exactly the time I got smashed in the face by my dad. Not physically, but he would be going into depression or going into mania or going into psychosis. So there was this thinggoing to have to react to it. So there is, chapter 62 in my book is about when it's not safe to feel safe. And that's one of the reasons why people have such a hard time healing from anxiety is because. Because when I get people feeling better again, they don't trust it. Because it goes back to that place where when I felt safe as a kid, I got blindsided.I want to try to connect the dots, particularly on this question about sleep, because we're getting so many questions from listeners who are having trouble sleeping.Sure.And you've said a couple things that I want to try to connect. First of all, you have said that all anxiety begins from a moment where you feel separate or unsafe, typically during childhood.Yes.And that any time from that moment forward that you feel separate or unsafe, it'sa fix my car right now. It might be that you didn't get into the school you wanted to get into. It might be that you get. You start coughing and you're really worried about something going on because there's something that is a health diagnosis in your family. There is. The first arrow, boom. Hits, right? The second arrow that gets fired is your reaction to what just happened. It's the arrow that you fire at yourself based on what you think next. And when you start to understand that life is going to fire arrows at you all the time, the research shows you get at least three or four a day. That triggers you to worry. The worry, the anxiety, the catastrophizing. That is the second arrow, and it causes you so much pain. And I'm going to prove this to you based on some research studies that they've done about how anticipatory worry or being afraid of something or this kind of negative thinking lights up the pain pathways in your brain.And I love this visual of the two arrows in life, right? That anytime you suffer misfortune, boom, two arrows fly in the air. The first one is fired by life. It hits you right in the heart. And the second arrow is the arrow that you fire right into your forehead and it's your reaction, and that adds pain. And this is also a concept that has been studied and researched extensively in psychology. What psychologists and psychiatrists call this is having a primary and secondary emotional response. So your primary emotional response is your immediate reaction to having something bad happened or a fear of yours, or some sort of expectation that you have the secondary emotion that you feel. This is the thing that lingers, is the emotions that you sit with in reaction to it. So examples of this might be that when somebody dies, you have a primary emotion of profound shock 's feeling anxious.Well, I would start with, tell me about your anxiety right now. What are you feeling? What's happening not only physically in your body, but of course, emotionally. I mean, those are the two main pillars.And then you keep going, and anything else, and he does that over until I'm literally like, the tank is completely empty. You know what else I've noticed, and I think this is a really important thing, is that you don't respond to what comes out of my mouth.No answers. You cannot provide any direction or guidance or go for the solve.Why?Because there is no solve. Particularly when you're in the acute moment. There is no. Nothing is going to resolve that right there. And then even if you have the most best, you know, idea ever, what.Is it that you've observed when you get somebody back to zero and in the moment, what do you observe in.The person, people coming back to right now and how that in and of itself is such a powerful grounding mechanism? When you're right here, you're. You are out of. You're out of your head. You're not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow or wherever the source of that anxiety may be coming from. You're present to your physical space and surroundings. And that, I think, has, it must. I know it has a profound effect on calming it, not necessarily extinguishing it, but certainly calming it.I think that's true superpower.I really do, like, you are the most grounded, calm person in my life. I wonder if it's the years of having a meditation practice and being a practicing Buddhist that has trained that skill in you.I've never sat down to think about where it comes from now, necessarily. But yes, in buddhist tradition or practices, completely just being in observance and the act of deep listening, not just, you know, opening your ears, but really listening for what is being said is totally, you know. That's right up a buddhist Sally, for sure.Wow. Now, I know our kids like you more. I'm more fun. But you're the one that grounds us all. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.

going to have to react to it. So there is, chapter 62 in my book is about when it's not safe to feel safe. And that's one of the reasons why people have such a hard time healing from anxiety is because. Because when I get people feeling better again, they don't trust it. Because it goes back to that place where when I felt safe as a kid, I got blindsided.

I want to try to connect the dots, particularly on this question about sleep, because we're getting so many questions from listeners who are having trouble sleeping.

Sure.

And you've said a couple things that I want to try to connect. First of all, you have said that all anxiety begins from a moment where you feel separate or unsafe, typically during childhood.

Yes.

And that any time from that moment forward that you feel separate or unsafe, it'sa fix my car right now. It might be that you didn't get into the school you wanted to get into. It might be that you get. You start coughing and you're really worried about something going on because there's something that is a health diagnosis in your family. There is. The first arrow, boom. Hits, right? The second arrow that gets fired is your reaction to what just happened. It's the arrow that you fire at yourself based on what you think next. And when you start to understand that life is going to fire arrows at you all the time, the research shows you get at least three or four a day. That triggers you to worry. The worry, the anxiety, the catastrophizing. That is the second arrow, and it causes you so much pain. And I'm going to prove this to you based on some research studies that they've done about how anticipatory worry or being afraid of something or this kind of negative thinking lights up the pain pathways in your brain.And I love this visual of the two arrows in life, right? That anytime you suffer misfortune, boom, two arrows fly in the air. The first one is fired by life. It hits you right in the heart. And the second arrow is the arrow that you fire right into your forehead and it's your reaction, and that adds pain. And this is also a concept that has been studied and researched extensively in psychology. What psychologists and psychiatrists call this is having a primary and secondary emotional response. So your primary emotional response is your immediate reaction to having something bad happened or a fear of yours, or some sort of expectation that you have the secondary emotion that you feel. This is the thing that lingers, is the emotions that you sit with in reaction to it. So examples of this might be that when somebody dies, you have a primary emotion of profound shock 's feeling anxious.Well, I would start with, tell me about your anxiety right now. What are you feeling? What's happening not only physically in your body, but of course, emotionally. I mean, those are the two main pillars.And then you keep going, and anything else, and he does that over until I'm literally like, the tank is completely empty. You know what else I've noticed, and I think this is a really important thing, is that you don't respond to what comes out of my mouth.No answers. You cannot provide any direction or guidance or go for the solve.Why?Because there is no solve. Particularly when you're in the acute moment. There is no. Nothing is going to resolve that right there. And then even if you have the most best, you know, idea ever, what.Is it that you've observed when you get somebody back to zero and in the moment, what do you observe in.The person, people coming back to right now and how that in and of itself is such a powerful grounding mechanism? When you're right here, you're. You are out of. You're out of your head. You're not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow or wherever the source of that anxiety may be coming from. You're present to your physical space and surroundings. And that, I think, has, it must. I know it has a profound effect on calming it, not necessarily extinguishing it, but certainly calming it.I think that's true superpower.I really do, like, you are the most grounded, calm person in my life. I wonder if it's the years of having a meditation practice and being a practicing Buddhist that has trained that skill in you.I've never sat down to think about where it comes from now, necessarily. But yes, in buddhist tradition or practices, completely just being in observance and the act of deep listening, not just, you know, opening your ears, but really listening for what is being said is totally, you know. That's right up a buddhist Sally, for sure.Wow. Now, I know our kids like you more. I'm more fun. But you're the one that grounds us all. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.

a fix my car right now. It might be that you didn't get into the school you wanted to get into. It might be that you get. You start coughing and you're really worried about something going on because there's something that is a health diagnosis in your family. There is. The first arrow, boom. Hits, right? The second arrow that gets fired is your reaction to what just happened. It's the arrow that you fire at yourself based on what you think next. And when you start to understand that life is going to fire arrows at you all the time, the research shows you get at least three or four a day. That triggers you to worry. The worry, the anxiety, the catastrophizing. That is the second arrow, and it causes you so much pain. And I'm going to prove this to you based on some research studies that they've done about how anticipatory worry or being afraid of something or this kind of negative thinking lights up the pain pathways in your brain.

And I love this visual of the two arrows in life, right? That anytime you suffer misfortune, boom, two arrows fly in the air. The first one is fired by life. It hits you right in the heart. And the second arrow is the arrow that you fire right into your forehead and it's your reaction, and that adds pain. And this is also a concept that has been studied and researched extensively in psychology. What psychologists and psychiatrists call this is having a primary and secondary emotional response. So your primary emotional response is your immediate reaction to having something bad happened or a fear of yours, or some sort of expectation that you have the secondary emotion that you feel. This is the thing that lingers, is the emotions that you sit with in reaction to it. So examples of this might be that when somebody dies, you have a primary emotion of profound shock 's feeling anxious.Well, I would start with, tell me about your anxiety right now. What are you feeling? What's happening not only physically in your body, but of course, emotionally. I mean, those are the two main pillars.And then you keep going, and anything else, and he does that over until I'm literally like, the tank is completely empty. You know what else I've noticed, and I think this is a really important thing, is that you don't respond to what comes out of my mouth.No answers. You cannot provide any direction or guidance or go for the solve.Why?Because there is no solve. Particularly when you're in the acute moment. There is no. Nothing is going to resolve that right there. And then even if you have the most best, you know, idea ever, what.Is it that you've observed when you get somebody back to zero and in the moment, what do you observe in.The person, people coming back to right now and how that in and of itself is such a powerful grounding mechanism? When you're right here, you're. You are out of. You're out of your head. You're not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow or wherever the source of that anxiety may be coming from. You're present to your physical space and surroundings. And that, I think, has, it must. I know it has a profound effect on calming it, not necessarily extinguishing it, but certainly calming it.I think that's true superpower.I really do, like, you are the most grounded, calm person in my life. I wonder if it's the years of having a meditation practice and being a practicing Buddhist that has trained that skill in you.I've never sat down to think about where it comes from now, necessarily. But yes, in buddhist tradition or practices, completely just being in observance and the act of deep listening, not just, you know, opening your ears, but really listening for what is being said is totally, you know. That's right up a buddhist Sally, for sure.Wow. Now, I know our kids like you more. I'm more fun. But you're the one that grounds us all. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.

's feeling anxious.

Well, I would start with, tell me about your anxiety right now. What are you feeling? What's happening not only physically in your body, but of course, emotionally. I mean, those are the two main pillars.

And then you keep going, and anything else, and he does that over until I'm literally like, the tank is completely empty. You know what else I've noticed, and I think this is a really important thing, is that you don't respond to what comes out of my mouth.

No answers. You cannot provide any direction or guidance or go for the solve.

Why?

Because there is no solve. Particularly when you're in the acute moment. There is no. Nothing is going to resolve that right there. And then even if you have the most best, you know, idea ever, what.

Is it that you've observed when you get somebody back to zero and in the moment, what do you observe in.

The person, people coming back to right now and how that in and of itself is such a powerful grounding mechanism? When you're right here, you're. You are out of. You're out of your head. You're not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow or wherever the source of that anxiety may be coming from. You're present to your physical space and surroundings. And that, I think, has, it must. I know it has a profound effect on calming it, not necessarily extinguishing it, but certainly calming it.

I think that's true superpower.

I really do, like, you are the most grounded, calm person in my life. I wonder if it's the years of having a meditation practice and being a practicing Buddhist that has trained that skill in you.

I've never sat down to think about where it comes from now, necessarily. But yes, in buddhist tradition or practices, completely just being in observance and the act of deep listening, not just, you know, opening your ears, but really listening for what is being said is totally, you know. That's right up a buddhist Sally, for sure.

Wow. Now, I know our kids like you more. I'm more fun. But you're the one that grounds us all. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.