I have something so cool to share with you, and I know you're gonna love it because I shared something called the let them theory in an Instagram post less than a week ago. And I just looked it up. There are over 14,000,000 views of this thing, which always tells me when something goes that viral, that it strikes a nerve. And in this post, it's just a quick selfie video. And I'm explaining what's called the let them theory.

It is a game changer. And that's what we're gonna talk about in today's episode. But to just tee this up, since this went so viral, I want you to hear what I said in this selfie video on Instagram. Check this out. I just heard about this thing called the let them theory.

I freaking love this. If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing, with you this week, let them. So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.

And the truth is, if somebody, especially somebody you're dating or who's a friend or somebody you're trying to partner with in business, if they are not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them, and then you get to choose what you do next. The let them theory. It's so obvious.

And once you learn it, you are going to use it so many times a day. You will, it's just gonna blow your mind because the let them theory is going to allow you to detach yourself from the things that cause a lot of struggle and angst and emotion to come up when you get controlling. The let them theory also allows you to let go of the reins and give space for other people to take responsibility. Let them do it. And finally, what you're gonna learn is that the let them theory, It is incredible because when you let somebody just be who they actually are and you stop trying to make them something else, you realize in so many friendships and so many relationships, you actually are in love with their potential.

You're not in a relationship with who the person really is. And you've been so busy controlling and trying to change them that you don't even recognize that you're in a relationship with their potential. And when you let somebody be who they actually are, wow, it allows you to understand who you're actually dealing with. So I can give you a quick example of the let them theory in play because it works for things big and small. And I will tell you, this is something that I have to use all the time.

Just this weekend, it was our son Oakley's prom. He's a junior in high school. And here we are in Southern Vermont, and I'm used to doing prom a certain way because we raised our daughters outside of Boston in a suburban town. They're also daughters, so they were more controlling. They were organizing everything.

It was a community where I knew all the families, all the kids, The traditions were locked in. Everybody knows everybody else. And so here we are in this new town in Southern Vermont, and Oakley's going to the prom with somebody we we've never met. Don't know her parents. We don't know any of the traditions here, and it doesn't seem like there are a lot of them, honestly.

But 1 of the traditions that was present is that there were girls that were organizing, groups of people to come to their house for preparm photos. So we go to this person's house and it was really great. Great to meet everybody. Didn't know a soul there. We get there and I'm standing there with Oakley and it starts to rain and not just rain.

It is like a torrential downpour. The kind of storm where you go, that really sucks. You know, it really sucks. Like, you are going to look like you have taken a shower if you walk out the front door of this house and try to walk 20 feet through this rain to get to your car. That's how hard it was pouring rain.

And so they're standing there, and it's about 5 o'clock at night. Prom starts at 7, and the kids start talking. So what do you wanna do for dinner? And I look at Oakley, and I say, you guys don't have a reservation somewhere? He goes, no.

And I then said, well, what are you gonna do? Do you want me to call? And I start then jumping in, right, and overfunctioning with my anxiety, which we have talked about before on this podcast, the do, do, do. And the kids are kinda gathering around and somebody goes, well, why don't we go to avocado pit? Now avocado pit, just to put this in context, is this amazing little, amazing taco place.

Right? It's got maybe 6 tables in it. It's tiny. It's like the size of 1 stall of a garage. So we're talking 1 car parking place.

And there are 20 kids in tuxedos and long dresses, dressed to the nines. It is a torrential downpour outside, and their plans for prom are to go to a fast casual joint in the center of town that could maybe have 6 of them standing inside. And I immediately start going, you can't go to avocado pit. You're gonna get what? What about, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.

I am controlling. I'm that person. And my daughter turns to me and she says, mom, if they wanna go to avocado pit, let them. It's his prom. It's not your prom.

Let them. And when she said, let them, it's as if I just went hands off. It was this little cue that was like, okay, you're doing that thing. Just turn from controlling everything now and let the current of what's happening take you in a different direction. And immediately what happens when you adopt the let them theory is that you are able to catch yourself when you're controlling people and you don't need to be.

You are able to drop into a more surrender, peaceful feeling instead of letting your emotions rev you up. And it kind of begs the question, right? Because I've been thinking about this. Why did the let them theory? Why is it so resonant for people?

Why did 14,000,000 people in a matter of a week watch and share that video? Well, I'll tell you why. It's because every single 1 of us struggles with controlling behavior or we struggle with controlling thoughts. And the let them theory is a way that you can check yourself so that your controlling nature or your controlling or obsessive thoughts don't control you. Because the reason why we do this, we control other people, or we just can't let it go.

Like if you ever been in a situation where maybe your buddies organize a golf trip and they don't include you, or the women in your life go away for a weekend and you're not invited. Or a friend, a friend that you adore is dating a real asshole, somebody who's horrible for them. Let them. I mean, how much does you worrying about it how how is that gonna change anything? It's not.

How does spending 200 hours talking to your friend about this horrible person over and over and over, how does that help? It doesn't. Let them. If somebody's firing you, let them. If your company's going through layoffs, let them.

It is so liberating when you drop the sword, when you just let go. And there's this really interesting analogy that's gonna help you that comes from a psychologist. I've got a ton of notes for this. You're gonna hear me, doing my notes because I wanna get this right because there's so many tools because this does not come naturally to us. And I'm gonna explain why.

There's a psychologist, doctor Amy Johnson, who uses this example. And I think we can keep coming back to this visual. When you tip into that control mode, and we all do it. I mean, come on. You can kinda go, oh, god, Mel.

Let the kids get a burrito for crying out loud. But don't you dare tell me that if the roles were reversed, you wouldn't have questioned the decision to not have a reservation, first of all, before prom. And secondly, to then wanna go to some burrito bar, right, in the middle of a rainstorm. But I digress. Here is the visual from doctor Amy Johnson.

She says, whenever you go into control mode, imagine that you are in a tiny, tiny boat and you're paddling upstream. You are paddling against the current. It is hard to paddle against the current. It is a fight. That is what it feels like when you're controlling other people, right, or you're trying to control them.

That's what it felt like for me at this prepom party. Because as these kids are casually talking about driving over to the avocado pit and grabbing a bite to eat, I've got my oars, and I'm fighting against that current. And I'm like, but but but but but but you shoulda had other things. But what about this? But you're gonna get your your your date's gonna get her dressed wet.

What the fuck, Mel? So what doctor Johnson says is that when you catch yourself doing it, you are fighting against the current. You are literally paddling up emotion inside of you and resistance and frustration because it's frustrating when you can't control the people around you. Right? It's frustrating.

It doesn't create more control. It actually makes you feel less in control. What she says is you must let go and surrender. And so she'll visualize just hands off the oars, drop the oars. And what happens is the boat in that situation, what does it do?

It turns around. And instead of going upstream, when you drop the oars, the boat naturally just floats downstream with the current of how things are going. And you will notice the same thing, that instead of fighting what's happening, you are able to drop the oars and just surrender to what's going on, which creates peace and ease for you. Because does it matter if Oakland is friends wanna go to the avocado pit? Of course not.

Who gives a shit? In fact, it might be the most memorable part of prom. Standing in the pouring rain, all of them crowded in this restaurant, ordering tacos before the thing. And so the bigger point here is I don't think any of us are aware of just how much energy and effort and time we waste on shit that we're trying to control. And the let them theory is a lever that you can pull so you can create more peace and ease and love and all of it in your life.

So you can float with the current of things instead of battling it so far. And the reason why we have this controlling nature is, believe it or not, it's a form of anxiety When you are overbearing on people, maybe you're an overbearing parent. We have a lot of people who write into this show whose parents are immigrants to the United States, and they were completely overbearing. Why? Well, because of 2 reasons.

Number 1, they probably had a lot of fears. There was a lot of uncertainty. They wanted you to succeed. They wanted you to fit in. They wanted you to have the best of everything and more opportunities than they did.

And so they pushed you and pushed you and pushed you and pushed you. And the second reason why people do that is because they think it's a form of love. That if I push you, if I look out for the best for you, if I think about all the things that could go wrong and I micromanage you, don't forget your umbrella. Don't forget your lunch. Do this, do that, be this kinda major that you think you are looking out for the best for somebody.

But what you're actually doing is you're suffocating people. The second reason why we are also controlling and why you need the let them theory is because it's easier to focus on other people. You trick yourself into thinking that you're gonna be in control if you can control other people. It doesn't work that way because you can't control other people. You can manipulate them.

You can guilt them. You can shame them. You can compliment them. You can love them, but you can't control them. Okay?

You can just try to. The person that you can control is yourself. And every time you use the let them theory, you immediately reverse the focus of that control on everybody else, and you turn it back on yourself. I'll give you an example of that. Let's say that your friends have gone away this weekend.

Okay? And your feelings are hurt. If you sit there and worry about it, why did they it left me out. I feel left out. I'm always left out.

What did I do wrong? Blah blah blah blah blah. Maybe I should text them. Maybe I should say something. Maybe I should no.

You know what you should do? You should let them go away. You should let them go away, and you should stop focusing on what they're doing. Because all this obsessing about it and thinking about what you need to do in order to control what's happening, it's not working. And secondly, it's distracting you from what you really need to do, which is put the focus back on yourself.

As you're sitting there, ask yourself, well, if I'm this upset by it, what do I need to do to make sure that I am proactive about friendships, that I'm the 1 organizing these things. That's where the real power is. And finally, the reason why we engage in such controlling behavior and these obsessive thoughts is because oftentimes it distracts us from the truth. Oftentimes when you are you know, I I stop and think a little bit about this situation with Oakley and the prom, and it's really dumb, but there's a very deep underlying thing that was going on. I've gone through 4 prom experiences with our daughters in a public high school outside of Boston.

And it was not like the prom here. And I think all of the things that felt unfamiliar reminded me that I'm in a new place. We got home from that, pre prom photo party. I turned to Chris and I said, you know, I'm really kind of sad because I miss knowing all the kids and I miss knowing all the parents. And I miss seeing kids that I have known since they were in diapers, all grown up in tuxes.

And I think I'm just kinda sad. And I'm controlling where Oakley is going to eat because that was something that was always part of the prom experience back home. And so a lot of times, the controlling or the obsessing is triggered by the way you think things should be or the way that you're used to things being. And you're uncomfortable with the uncertainty, which is why you jump in and you do this. And so that's where the let them theory comes in because you can use the let them theory for just about anything.

And 99% of the time when you feel yourself trying to control a situation or another human being, I want you to use the let them theory. I want you to literally say to yourself, my mom and dad don't wanna come to Thanksgiving. Let them. My sister-in-law doesn't wanna go to so and so's baby shower. Let her.

My son or daughter doesn't wanna go to medical school. Let them. My husband doesn't wanna train for this triathlon that I've signed up for. Let them. My roommates don't wanna do dry January with me.

Let them. Stop trying to force other people to do what you want them to do. And so much more peace will come into your life. And you will also take that exact same energy and angst and frustration that you were aiming at your kid going to the avocado pit, and you will have it to put towards something else. It's really powerful.

And that's why I wanna take the time to truly unpack this. So before I tell you the 3 different ways you can use this, because we're gonna break these down because I've been very, very surprised by how often I use the let them theory. And I'm also surprised by the amount of peace, control, and confidence and love that it brings into my life when I use this with myself, okay, and when I use this as advice with other people. I wanna give you though 3 caveats. Okay?

Because the let them theory is basically where you're gonna go, you know, drop drop the oars. I'm out. I'm just gonna let you do it. I'm not gonna worry about it. I'm not gonna bitch about it.

I'm not gonna try to control it. I'm just gonna let them. Okay? But there's 3 moments in time where I don't want you to do that, where I want you to step up. Okay?

And I wanna cover these off the bat because I know so many of you are gonna be like, but we need we need we need we need we need we need. What about this? So let me just say upfront. If somebody is doing something dangerous or they are discriminating against you, do not let them do that. So for example, if you've got a buddy or a family member that's had a couple drinks, don't let them get behind the wheel of a car.

That's not a time to drop the oars and just go with the flow. And so I think that example is very clear. The second example of where you're not gonna just let people do whatever they're gonna do, That's where you need to ask for something or you've gotta advocate for your rights. And I'm gonna give you a really important example about this. Don't ever let somebody determine what they're gonna pay you when you get hired.

I'm not kidding about this. And this is really important for you to hear because there was a Pew research study that was done this year in 2023. 60% of people surveyed said in their past job, they didn't even negotiate their salary. They just let the company pay them whatever. Do not do that.

Okay? So if you're in a situation where you need to ask for what you need or advocate for yourself, do not let somebody just to decide those things. Okay? You gotta step up and you gotta take control in that situation. And finally, if somebody's continuously crossing your boundaries, don't let them do that.

If you've expressed them, if you've defined them, you need to hold your boundary. Do not let them just walk all over you like a doormat. Okay? Good. All right.

With those 3 caveats, we are gonna jump into the 3 specific ways I want you to start using the let them theory. But before we do that, we're gonna hear a short word from our sponsors because they allow me to bring this to you, this amazing let them theory in detail for 0 cost. We love our sponsors. So let's let them tell you a little bit about why they're so cool. And then when we return, the 3 ways you are gonna use the let them theory to bring more control and peace back into your life.

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I'm able to bring you new videos every single day because of the ad support on our YouTube channel. So if you have not subscribed, hit the subscribe below. I do not wanna let you just keep on freeloading, and I know that you wanna support the show too because our friends over in podcast land, they're on commercial break. You and me, I am guilting and controlling you right now to subscribe to the channel. Alright.

Subscribe. Now let's get back to the show. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and I'm teaching you a theory called the let them theory. That is something that I use nonstop.

My kids also use this when I become an overbearing mother. And I had just explained that the let them theory is used in a moment where you feel yourself ramping up the control. You're just wrapped around the axle. Your knickers are in a pinch. You can't believe so and so did such and such a or you're just thinking about why didn't they invite me?

Why does everybody get together? Why does my roommate always do this? She was in town and she didn't call me. Let them. Let them.

Other people get to be themselves. Other people get to make decisions. The let them theory is a way for you to address your own anxiety about uncertainty. It is a way for you to let people be who they are. It is a way for you to get out of other people's business and stick to your own business.

And it is a way for you to create emotional peace, to not whip yourself into a frenzy, to not care about things that are really not your concern, and to stop this reflexive need to control or comment on everyone around you. I just, you know, when I looked at the post that we did on Instagram, there were 9,800 comments this morning on this thing. It's only been up for a week. That's how much has struck a nerve. 9,800 comments in 1 week.

That's incredible. Here's a great comment. Let people be who they are because sometimes you need that person that way. So let them. It doesn't have to be everything, a bad thing or anything.

It's so true. I think about that with my husband. I used to get so annoyed because the guy's a slow processor. Just really like you had almost hear the wheels turning as he's thinking about something. And he asks a lot of questions and it used to drive me fucking crazy.

I just would be like, could you spit it out? You're like, you know, what are you thinking about? And I realized I need him to be that way because I am moving at the speed of light. 1 of us has to have our feet on the ground. 1 of us has to be thinking through decisions.

1 of us has to make sure that the bills get paid and the dog gets to the vet and that the things that we're doing are thought through. And so I use the let them theory to just let Chris be who he is and stop making him wrong and stop trying to control him. And it certainly creates more peace for him. And it also allows me to be more present. So let's talk about the 3 ways that you are going to use the let them theory in your life.

The first 1 is detachment. Use the let them theory to detach yourself from the emotional or mental struggle that you can get yourself into when you're thinking about either what other people are doing or how things should be going and to just tap into emotional peace. Sufima, I'm saying it wrong, wrote this on Instagram. I've wasted a lot of time, Mel, and energy feeling inadequate due to my expectations of other people. It hurts.

Yet I've learned to make the conscious choice to keep doing me regardless of their behavior. It's fucking hard to be good at this. It requires practice. And you know what else I think it requires? When you realize this strikes a nerve for all of us, that we all have trouble with this because, of course, you have expectations.

I'll give you an example. Have you ever gone to a wedding and it's a wedding where a lot of your friends from college or a certain like period of your life are gonna be there, and you're so excited because you think that you're all gonna be seated together? This always happens to me and Chris, Always. And you go to the wedding and you go up to that beautiful display that people do now where everybody's cards are, like, in a place to find out where you're sitting and you pull out your card and you're like, we're at table 11. Where are you guys?

You're like, we're at table 3. We're at table 4. Oh, we're at table 4. We're at table 11 too. And you realize all your friends are sitting together but you.

And in those moments, I wanna try to switch cards, I wanna make the bride and groom wrong, I want let them. Let them. It's their wedding. Let them do what they want. Instead of feeling hurt, instead of feeling bummed, instead of looking over that table across the dance floor longingly and thinking, why the fuck am I with the second aunt and the cousins?

Oh, I know because I can talk to anybody. I can see it right now. They're sitting there. Oh, Mel and Chris can talk to anybody. We'll stick them over here.

As I'm looking longingly across the dance floor, and I'm making up a they're having way more fun. I'm at no. Let them. Let the bride and groom do what they needed to do. Let the friends do what they're needing to do.

Just let them, because does that emotional turmoil that you create inside yourself, does it actually help you enjoy the no. Does it change where you're sitting? No. So let them. It's like a form of radical acceptance, and it is hard.

It's hard because I think we default to holding onto our expectations or holding onto feeling hurt or wronged or having an opinion about how things should it's too hot. Why are they doing it? Let them. Let them. If United Airlines wants to board from the back of the plane, let them.

Who cares that you paid extra for extra leg room? You're still gonna get it. Let them do what they need to do. Here's another comment. A friend told me that she was so upset and disappointed that another friend had gone without her on a trip that she thought that they were supposed to take together.

My god was she fixated on it. She just couldn't let it go. This is the perfect opportunity to tell your friend about the let them theory. If you heard about the let them theory, when your friend does something that upsets you, let them. I mean, for all, you know, it's not that they didn't wanna go with you.

It's that they just needed time alone. So let them take the trip alone. Why do you have to be so offended about everything? Why do you have to be so fucking hurt about everything? Not everything's that serious, or that deep everybody.

Let people do what they need to do. That's detachment. And I think it's very straightforward. You're upset about something. You're talking about something.

You're griping about something. You're feeling hurt about something. Use the let them theory. And, you know, just for those of you that are kinda smarty pants and you're gonna write in and be like, but what about if you're at the beach and they leave their shoes on the beach and you're what? You just let them leave the shoes on the beach?

No. You're not upset about it, are you? Of course, you're gonna turn to your friend and be like, hey, dumbass. You left your flip flops over there. Go get them.

You're not gonna let them do that. I'm talking about when you're getting yourself worked up about something. You're getting yourself annoyed about something. And I can give you another example. You know, when I first moved to Vermont, we moved here, you know, in March of 2020, say no more.

And so there were travel restrictions for a couple years, and that limited anybody's ability to visit us. But it's now going on Oakley's junior year, and my parents have still yet to visit. And I was really hurt by this and really upset by it, thinking, wait a minute. Like, he's now a junior in high school, and they haven't come to see where we live. Like and I kept saying, just let them.

Just let them. They have their reasons. Just keep inviting them and let them. And what I finally realized, because I instead of being upset about it, I just had a conversation with my mom about it, is she said, I just don't like that state. And I said, why?

And she told me the story about how when she was really little, her parents left her at the family farm with her grandmother, and they went to the state of Vermont with her older sister to do something related to an eye surgery. And while they were gone, my great grandmother dropped dead next to my mom. And when my grandparents, her parents came home, 1 of the first things they said to her is why didn't you save her? And so when I see that story, I see this isn't about me. This is about something else.

Let people do what they need to do. When you give people the space to do things in a way that makes them feel comfortable, eventually, they come around, and sure enough, they're gonna be here in a month, and I can't wait, but you gotta let them, let them have the space to sort through their stuff. So let's talk about the second way you're gonna use this theory. And this can be a little trickier because this is the let them theory. When you really need to take a step back and you gotta let people fail, and you've gotta give people the room to grow, the room to learn, and the room to take personal responsibility for something in their life.

And I'm gonna give you a couple examples of this. So when our son was in, 5th grade, he went to this incredible school outside of Boston that focuses on language based learning differences. So like dyslexia, dysgraphia, that kind of stuff. And I'll never forget, they said, if you forget their lunch, don't bring it. They're not gonna go hungry, but don't bring it.

Because so much of what we're trying to teach them is that they are capable of creating systems to remember things. And if they constantly forget things and you rescue them, they're never gonna learn that. It's in the forgetting. It's in the sting. It's in the consequence of not doing something that you learn that this is important to you, and you create systems and processes to actually do it.

And so if they forget their lunch, let them do it. If they forget an application deadline for a job, let them forget. Why? Because they needed to learn that lesson. And here's the hardest application of this on the planet.

If you have somebody in your life that's struggling with addiction, anybody who has dealt with this will tell you, nobody gets sober until they're ready to. And so if somebody is not ready to go to rehab, let them. If you force them to go, they're just gonna leave. If somebody relapses, let them. It's not until they tell you that they're ready for help, that they are going to actually use the help that you give them.

And this is a really, really, really hard thing to grasp in your life. Let them, Just let them. And it's important because every time that you bail your sister out who's terrible with money and you loan her money, you know what happens? She continues to be terrible with money. Sometimes you need the sting of 11 bounced checks or the lien on the house, which is what happened to Chris and I back in, you know, 2,000 whatever.

I remember he asked his brother to loan him some money, and he said, I'm sorry. If me not giving you this money is the reason why the business fails and you go bankrupt, then so be it. But I can't bail you out. You gotta figure out how to do this yourself. He let Chris fail, and it was 1 of the most important things in the world.

Why? Because he wasn't responsible for Chris's failure. Chris was. And he wasn't responsible for rescuing him. Chris was.

And when you constantly rescue people, you're teaching them that they're not capable of rescuing themselves. And so the next time you get that whiny phone call from somebody that needs money or somebody that forgot something or somebody that wants to transfer yet again, don't control the situation. Simply hear them out and say, if you wanna do that, great. I'll support you by cheering you on, but you're gonna have to do the paperwork. You're gonna have to figure out how to get out of debt.

You're gonna have to come to me when you're ready to get clean. You gotta let them do it themselves. And here's 1 more thing on that. Every time you rescue somebody, you rob them of the opportunity to grow. Every time you step in and you make the problem go away, you make the person a little weaker and more dependent on you.

So if you truly want somebody to tap into the strength inside themselves, yes, there is a time to support people. But if somebody keeps relapsing, if somebody keeps forgetting their lunch, if somebody keeps dating the same toxic fucking person, let them. Because eventually, it's not gonna work. And then they're gonna come to you and ask for help. And when they do, they'll be ready to accept it.

And, you know, for you people pleasers out here, like Anne Waters who commented on my Instagram post, she says, but Mel, I'm a people pleaser, and I keep doing lots of stuff for other people. How the heck do I stop doing that? The let them theory. Let them do it themselves. Let your kids do their laundry and have the jeans bleed into the sweatshirts and have it all be that kind of weird bluish gray color.

Let them do that. Let them learn that they actually care about doing it right. Let everybody at work go without having their birthday celebrated. Why do you have to be the 1 that remembers it and brings all the cupcakes? Just let them.

Let your brother host the holidays this year. Why do you have to bend yourself over backwards? Let them step up. Let your friends make the plans. Why do you have to be the 1 that makes the plans all the time?

And finally work. If you feel like you take on everybody's work, let them do their own job. It's certainly gonna be easier on you when you use the let them do it theory. Oh, it's your presentation. You're behind the ball.

I'm sorry. I've got these 55,000. I wish I could help, but I'm gonna let you keep that on your plate. Thank you very much. And so let me tell you what the let them theory is.

The let them theory is just this simple hack. And here it is. Whenever someone is doing something that you don't like, let them. Here's how it works. If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them.

If there's a person that you're really attracted to, you've been dating for a while, but they're not interested in a commitment with you, let them. If your kids don't wanna go to a movie this weekend, let them. If your parents don't wanna come see you over the holidays this year, let them. If your spouse jumps ahead in the series you've been watching together, you know how they do that. Let them.

See the next time you feel yourself getting annoyed or upset or spiraling out of control, just say these 2 magic words, let them. It's very straightforward. There are millions of uses for it. And here's the coolest part. It works every single time you use it.

Because every single time you quietly say to yourself, let them. I don't know what it is, but there's something about that phrase. It has this just magical way of diffusing all the frustration, disappointment, all the upset that you feel. And here's the thing. You're gonna learn as I take calls from listeners that the let them theory is not about letting people walk all over you or treat you like crap.

That's not what this is about. It's the opposite. You will be more in control when you use it, and here's why. See, when you say let them, you stop giving your time and energy to other people into situations that you can't control. And you know what that allows you to do?

It allows you to take your time and energy back and figure out what's gonna work for you. Now I've been using the let them theory for months, and I gotta level with you about something. Before the let them theory, I cannot believe how much time and energy I had been wasting allowing myself to get so frustrated by stupid things or how much energy I was burning through trying to control other people. And trust me, you start using it, you're gonna see. And I can't wait for you to experience it.

It's it's truly insane. And I wanna tell you the story about how I discovered this, particularly in case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, and this is the very first time that you're hearing about this let them theory. And so I'm gonna tell you quickly the moment that I discovered this thing, and I need you to brace yourself. Okay? Because this is such a stupid story, But I'm gonna tell it to you because it really drives home this point that you and I waste so much time and energy trying to make the world match our expectations, and it's gonna stop today.

And you're doing the same thing in your relationships, and that's what's causing so many problems in your relationships. And so here's the story. So it was our son, Oakley's junior prom, and I was just getting all worked up about so many dumb things. I mean, from the moment we got to the party, you know, where you're supposed to take all the photos before prom, All I could think about was all of the things that I wanted to be happening that weren't happening. I I I just got myself so worked up.

You know how this happens in life where you just think things should be going a certain way and then you get annoyed that things aren't going a certain way and then you start to try to control things or you're judgy about things. Well, that was me. So we walk into this pre prom photo party. Holy cow. This is like a tongue twister where you walk into this party.

Right? And I'm like, why doesn't this date want a crescage? Why didn't all the parents dress up for this party? Why are the kids driving to the prom and not taking a bus to the prom? Why is it raining out right now?

Why didn't our son bring an umbrella? And get ready for the really, really big thing that got me all, like, you know, twisted up into a knot. Why are these kids going to a taco stand and not going to a fancy restaurant for dinner before prom? And that's when my daughter Kendall reached over and ever so gently grabbed my arm and said, mom, it's Oakley's prom, not yours. If they wanna go eat tacos in the pouring rain before prom, let them.

And when she said let them, I don't know what happened. It's as if she clobbered me with a magic wand. Let them, let them get soaked, let them eat tacos. And as I set those 2 words, let them, it was wild. I felt the frustration leave my body.

And here's the other thing I felt, and this is really important. I felt my focus shift. It shifted from controlling my son and from having an opinion about everything that was going on around me. And all of a sudden I shifted back to myself. I mean, let them eat tacos, who cares?

Let them get soaked, who cares? Mel, why not think about what you're gonna have for dinner instead of getting all worked up about what they are? And here's what's crazy about this. Once I learned these 2 words, let them, I started repeating let them every day in almost every situation to unhook myself. And the more I used the phrase to just let my emotions rise and fall in a stressful situation, the more I realized that, you know what?

The things going on outside of me, they don't have to make their way inside of me. And so here's the gist of the let them theory. You ready? The more you try to control something, the more out of control you feel. It's true.

And the only way to feel in control in life is to focus on where your time and energy is going, to focus on you. I mean, this morning, the folks that pick up the garbage, they didn't come to our house. Right? Let them. I mean, I don't need to take it personally like they broke up with me or ghosted me or, you know, they're so disrespectful.

Let them forget to pick up garbage at our house. And now this is where the magic comes in. Now that I'm not taking it personally, I'm not offended. I can handle it effectively. Right?

I'm not gonna handle it emotionally. I'm gonna handle it effectively. Let them forget and let me pick up the phone and call them and say, hey, guys. Seems like you forgot. Could you swing by?

And then I'm gonna let them respond. See how easy this is. See how magical this is. You get what you want and you don't get emotional. Bada bing, bada boom.

And that brings me to our amazing conversation today. Because ever since sharing the let them theory with you a few months ago, I have been under just a tidal wave of questions and comments about the let them theory. So today you and I are gonna answer them. And to do that, we're gonna go to a studio in Los Angeles where I am taking calls and the phone lines are jammed, and the very first person who is on the line is a guy named Daniel who's calling from Los Angeles. Let's go.

Hey. How's it going?

Good. What's up?

Well, I just have a a quick question for you.

Sure.

The the LatAm theory, just a little background, like, I growing up, I was always kind of, like, the peacemaker in our family.

Uh-huh.

And now that we're all adults, we're all moved out of the house, the conflict that arises between us, still kind of makes me uncomfortable.

Mhmm.

And I've gotten good at, like, removing myself from other people's drama and not trying to not trying to, like, play the peacemaker in in every conflict that comes up.

Great.

But it still makes me really uncomfortable, and I'm just wondering if but especially when, you know, I visit home or they're calling me about each other. Mhmm. What do you suggest?

First of all, I think it's really cool that you have the awareness of the role that you've played in your family dynamic, and I also think it's really cool that you have started to teach yourself how to take a step back. And here's what I would recommend, because the let them theory, when you use it in a situation with family, it's about unhooking yourself from the old dynamic and letting the conflict play out between family members without feeling the need to be the person who's responsible for creating the peace for everybody. So you're doing a great job with that. The second thing is 1 of the reasons why you would jump in to try to keep the peace is because the conflict makes you uncomfortable. And so it does not surprise me that when you remove yourself from it, you are still feeling these unsettling feelings.

And 1 of the reasons why you've always been the peacemaker, Daniel, is because when you step in and try to solve the problem, the discomfort that you're feeling internally disappears because you're focused on being a peacemaker. And so the opportunity of growth for you is to sit with that discomfort, to let the discomfort rise up inside you, and to notice, oh, here's that thing. This is what would normally turn me into a peacemaker. Instead, I'm just gonna breathe for, like, 90 seconds. I'm gonna remind myself that we have been a family that does this forever, and we will be a family that probably does this forever, and that I have decided in my life that I'd rather sit with this discomfort than insert myself into every single issue in our family.

And so the more that you just notice the discomfort, you tolerate it, you tell yourself it's gonna rise and it's gonna fall, and they're adults, and they can either figure it out together or they can call therapists and get a professional involved, but I'm done here, the faster that discomfort's gonna go away. So that's number 1. And I can relate to this because I, like you and like a lot of people, have always felt like it's my job to make my mom in particular happy. And anytime I felt like something was up, I felt discomfort. Like, okay.

What what can I do to make her happy? Just is the way that it is. And the more that I've used the let them theory, to just let her have her own reactions, let her blow up, let her be uncomfortable, let her wanna do something that I don't wanna do, Let her have her opinions. The more I've noticed, wow, I was really inserting myself a lot more often than I needed to. She's not really as unhappy as I thought.

She's not sitting around waiting for me to solve this. I've just sort of done this to myself. And so it's been very liberating for both of us because you're involved in the dynamic. Let's get to the second part of the question. What do you do when they call you to gossip?

Gossiping, Daniel, is a form of bonding. We strengthen relationships by complaining about other people. And there's a very big difference between gossiping, which is just venting or complaining about something, and sharing a frustration with the specific intention of problem solving and getting advice to resolve something. And so what I think you should do is consider training everybody that you are available for problem solving, but you're not available for venting and gossiping about mom or dad or about the brother or the sister because that's what creates a toxic dynamic in a family. And so the next time somebody calls you, you can say, that sounds awful.

And here's the deal. In order to protect the peace in my life and to hopefully make our family a little bit stronger, I've got this commitment that I just don't wanna gossip about each other anymore. I am happy to hear you tell me what happened, and I'm happy to offer up some sort of solution. But I gotta pull myself out of this gossiping dynamic because it's not great for our family, and it's not good for you. And I just think it's keeping us stuck, And I want something more for us.

How does that sound?

Right. Very well. I mean, that sound that sounds that's very helpful. I I think a lot of the conflict is between my my sister and my mom.

Mhmm.

And my sister and I have a lot of the same, you know, experiences with my mom, so we we fall into that habit of gossiping Mhmm. Really easily

Yeah.

Where we're, you know, just reminiscing about things from the past Yeah. That probably aren't relevant.

Same. Same.

I I think that's a really, really good call out for me to just, like, notice when that happens and take a step back.

And here's as somebody that did the same thing, and we all do this in our families. Right? Is that the more I've used the let them theory to let my parents be who they are, let them have the discomfort or the opinions, or, like, conduct themselves the way they are, and the older they get, the more set they are in their ways, it's a fact of life, the more I'm realizing that I feel that my story about who my parents are or the gossiping or the complaining kept me stuck in an old dynamic. And that the second that I just kind of use this mode of acceptance, they've been this way forever. It's not my job to change them.

It's not my job to make them happy. They are functioning adults. The more I realized, wait a minute. There's actually they're actually pretty happy. They're they're they're like, I'm I'm creating a lot of drama that is unnecessary.

And when you unhook yourself, Daniel, I wanna offer up a a really beautiful possibility. You also create space for someone to show up differently because the dynamic of drama in families always has multiple players involved. And the second 1 person is like, I just am not gonna participate in this. The person that is stirring the drama doesn't have anybody to stir it with. And your sister can call you and say, can you just help me talk through a response that's not emotional?

Can you help me unhook myself? That's a different conversation than, boy, she was such a bitch. Remember that time? Like, you you see what I'm saying? Like, the tone and the intention is different.

And I would absolutely forward her the let them theory episode because both of you using it together will profoundly shift the dynamic in your family overall. Okay?

Let them.

Let them. Okay.

Well, I I was so fascinated by this theory, this let them theory, which is kind of a behavioral technique, I guess. Would you describe it as a behavioral technique? No?

No. I wouldn't.

What is it?

So the let them theory is based on a simple truth. The fastest way to take control of your life is to stop controlling everyone around you. You have no idea how much time and energy and attention you are wasting trying to control other people. You have no idea how much energy you are burning through, thinking about, worrying about, obsessing about what other people are doing, what they're not doing, what they're feeling, all of which you have 0 control over. And so the let them theory is this simple theory that I credit my daughter with teaching me, that has created so much peace in my life, because like every other human being on the planet, I had no idea how many opinions, how much frustration and expectations I had about what other people were doing or what they should be doing.

Like it's just unreal how obsessed we all are with everybody else and what they should be doing and what they're not doing. And when you start to use the let them theory, you will notice, right? It's just unbelievable how much you need to use it. There are exceptions. I mean, I can explain, a lot about this.

I'll give you the quick story about how I learned it because I think it's very helpful. So it was our son's, junior prom. So he is a 11th grader in the states. And like most moms, you know, completely obsessed about everything. It's also my son and this is his 1st prom and I had had daughters.

So it was a totally different circus with our daughters. And I thought that his would be drama free because he's a guy, but it actually became more dramatic because he doesn't say anything. And so everything Steven was a last minute scramble, right? Like from getting the tux to he needed to have these certain Stan Smith Adidas sneakers, and we had to overnight those, to the fact that he was just gonna go with his friends, and then all of a sudden he asked a date. And then she wants a boutonniere, she doesn't want a boutonniere.

And then we're going into the pre. And every step of the way, I had internal opinion. Why isn't you there? So we get to the pre prom photo party. That's a lot of Ps.

And our daughter happened to be, home from college. And so she was there for the weekend. And all of a sudden it starts to rain out of nowhere. And by rain, I mean, a hailstorm. It is raining sideways.

And I realize none of these kids have umbrellas. None of these kids are prepared for this. And so I turn to our son and I'm like, Oak, where are you guys going for dinner? And he's like, well, I don't know. And I turn towards my husband.

I'm like, they don't have plans for dinner? What what do you mean they didn't make a reservation for the prom? And so I start to get all worked up. And now all the other parents are like, wait, you didn't make do you want me to call the end? Do you guys want us to order pizzas?

And the ramp up is happening. And I start to jump in and my daughter grabs my arm and she says, let them. Just let them do what they want. And Oak yells over and says, Hey, mom, I think we're gonna go to this, taco thing. Now the taco place that they were going to, Steven, is like the size of this table.

There are 20 kids, it is hailing outside. They are dressed to the nines. And I could feel that volcano of control coming up like, you can't go to the Chaco place, you're in a tux and you got the new sneakers and shit, her dress is gonna get ruined and you don't even have an umbrella. What are you thinking? And Kendall has my arm.

She's like, let them. If they wanna go to a taco stand in the pouring rain and ruin their dress, let them. It's their prom, not yours. And as she said it, I started just repeating those words to him, let them. Let them go to the taco stand.

Let them let them ruin issues. Who cares? Let let him do what he wants to do. Why am I worried about what he's doing? Why am I not worried about where I'm gonna have dinner?

And so it was just this moment and it immediately kind of unhooked me. And then from that point forward, I just noticed a million situations sitting at the restaurant that night and the waiter is busy with other stuff and they're not coming to the table. How does everybody feel when that happens? Let them, let them be busy. Let them take care of the other table.

Standing in line and people, I don't know what it is about the world today, but people cannot stand in lines. Fidgeting and this and that and the other thing. And the person is letting in people from that line and they're not letting in people from this line. Let them, let them. And some of the like really important topics too.

Like if your kid wants to drop out of school, you can say what you need to say. Ultimately, it's their life. Let them.

What's going on there at the heart of that? Is that just a lowering of one's expectations? So that, going back to the point we said about expectations and happiness, we alleviate the chance of disappointment. And because we're just like, we're saying, fine, let it go. Like, what is it the very crux of that in a psychological level that's allowing us to feel liberated from that stress and need for control?

What do you think it is?

I think when we take on other people's problems, we create expectation for them. Like in the case of your son, you had an expectation of what his night would look like and where his trainers and tucks were gonna go. And that unmet expectation is causing you unnecessary suffering, control, stress, angst, vigilance. And just by saying, do you know what? Like, I wish him well.

You're just cutting the cord of a whole another stream of expectation that you absolutely do not need. You didn't need to volunteer to make your yours.

And look how much stress it created. Yeah. And look how much adjit it created.

Yeah.

So there's so many things going on, Steven. And first of all, I should also say there are exceptions. First of all, you're not just gonna let your kids do whatever they're gonna do if you're a parent. Yeah. But it's not.

You're supposed to put the guardrails up. Right? Mhmm. But there is so much controlling that we do in our lives of other people, and it is ruining your relationships. And a great example of a way to use this is let's say that you see that your friends are going out for brunch this weekend.

Mhmm. They didn't invite you.

Happens all the time with my team.

Let them. Yeah. Let them. Yeah. Because here's the thing that's really important is it's really not about other people.

See, energetically, you're hooking yourself into other people because you have an opinion about what they should or shouldn't be doing. And that opinion is usually driven by your insecurity, or it's driven by your controlling nature, or it's driven by your anxiety, or it's driven by whatever it is that you may have. But once you get your energetic hook into somebody else, you've now just lost control. Because you are now trying to gain control of anything in your life, what your friends are doing for brunch to this weekend, by focusing on them. When you say let them, this is what's very interesting.

It's very different than saying, I'm just gonna let go. I don't give a hoot. I don't care. Baloney. If you're feeling a wave of energy about it or emotion about it, you do care because the emotion is evidence that it is impacting you.

And so most people understand that you should just let it go or you shouldn't care, but they don't know how. When you say let them, a couple really interesting things happen. Number 1, you acknowledge what's happening, which both acknowledges that your friends are out to lunch without you. And it also acknowledges that it bothers you. And when you say let them, you're acknowledging the situation and you're almost saying I'm above it and I'm permitting this because I see it happening.

And then something really interesting happens because you're no longer all worked up about what they're doing. You are forced to look back at yourself. Let them, if, if my friends are going out to brunch and they didn't invite me and it bothers me that much, and I'm just gonna let them do it. Instead of sitting here stewing about it. What do I need to take responsibility for?

You're toxic.

Yes, probably. Or I didn't, I don't ever invite anybody out. Or if I want more experiences with my friends, I should be the 1 organizing everybody to go out to brunch. Or maybe my friends can just go out and I don't have to always be included and it doesn't have to mean anything. And maybe I've got work to do with therapy.

And so what happens is as you start to use let them to lower your expectations, to stop focusing on other people and what they're doing, it forces you to take responsibility for what you want in your life.

Linked to that was this thing that I found, which people just loved when you said it, which was you should stay in your peace and stay in your power. Yes. And it sounds somewhat correlated to that.

Very much so. So when you start using it, you will notice how often you get agitated or frustrated by what other people are doing. And it's strangers in a coffee shop. It's your relatives. It's like I We were just in a situation this, here in here in the states for Thanksgiving where we were down visiting my parents and they're in a place that's small.

So we had a place that we had to rent so that we could all kind of be together, but it wasn't that close. And every time it was a moment where it was, are we going to theirs? Are we going to our husband? And somebody had an expectation about where we should be. Normally the old Mel would get hooked right into that person.

I'd just be like, let him. That per the people in your life are allowed to have their emotional reactions. And it's not your responsibility to manage their emotional reactions. Part of the reason why we get hooked into these toxic dynamics with people is because you're part of the dynamic. Somebody does something that triggers you.

You go right in, you start to change how you show up, you start to compensate, you start to people please, or you get all mad and angry. And next thing you know, it erupts and it's the same thing over and over and over again. And you wonder why it never changes. Well, part of the reason why is that person's never gonna change. You cannot control that.

But you can change the energy you're putting into the dynamic.

When you were asked, what was the worst advice you were ever given? Do you remember what you said?

I do not. What is it?

You said the worst advice I was I've ever received is that someone else can make you happy.

Oh, it's so true. It's so true. Money can't make you happy. Someone else can't make you happy. And

It's correlated to what you were just saying there in a way.

It's very correlated because a lot of us are putting our energy into trying to push other people to show up a certain way. When if you were to pull all that energy back and conserve it for yourself, you suddenly start taking responsibility and you have more energy to take the steps and to change the way that you think so that you can have what you want in your life. And there are exceptions. Look, you're not just gonna let somebody get behind the wheel of a car if they've been drinking. So if it's dangerous, if it's self destructive, if it's discriminatory, you have to step in, in my opinion, and do something.

But here's the rub, hold the intervention with your friend who is an addict, Offer to pay for the treatment center, if you can afford to do so. But then you have to let them do what they're gonna do. It makes the responsibility of how you show up entirely on you, which means you are now operating based on your values and based on what you want in your life and based on the kind of person that you wanna be. Not because you're doing it out of obligation or manipulation or that sort of transactional nature that we get into with people.

It seems to be both selfish and selfless at the same time in a way.

I don't think it's selfish at all.

Really?

I actually think it's 1 of the most generous things you could do. How is not controlling other people a selfish thing to do? I'm not saying I don't care. I'm saying I'm aware that you are a independent human being with his own feelings and his own life path and his own values and expectations. And when I step in and try to fix everything for you or change how you feel, I actually rob you of both the breakdowns that you need.

I rob you of the responsibility that you need to take, and I don't own the part of the equation in every relationship. Every relationship has an energetic exchange. I do something, and now you are going to react. And are you gonna react based on what's aligned for you? Are you gonna react as a way to try to change how I am?

Taking that hook out though

Yes.

Feels like it serves you in a profound way as well, which is the self selfish part of the equation. It doesn't feel selfish, but over the long term, it's gonna serve you. So it's it is a an active self preservation or taking care of oneself.

Yeah. And I also feel like there's a healthy dose of curiosity in this because it's gonna reveal all the things in your life that really bother you. Because right now you're distracting yourself by being upset about other people instead of pulling that energy back in and going, oh, well, if it really bothers me that my sister-in-law never comes to visit me, then I clearly care about this relationship. And so do I care about the the them being me being right and them always coming to me? Do I care about tit for tat?

Or do I actually just care about building a good relationship with somebody? This is also extraordinarily effective if you're dealing with somebody that has any toxic tendencies, any narcissistic traits, like when you look at the research around, especially narcissism and the fact that people are not born that way, they're made that way. And it's highly unlikely that they're changing based on the supply that they constantly need when you go let them. I'm gonna see what's coming. I'm going to anticipate what's coming.

I'm going to let them have their tantrum, which is what typically happens, and I'm going to go into this wide open. I'm not going to allow myself to get triggered by it because I am saying, I know who this person is. I know what's gonna happen. I've been in this dynamic for years, and I'm gonna let them do what they do. Have you stopped to consider that the best place to make a change is by letting go of things, of projects, of thinking patterns, of relationships that no longer serve you?

And the big question is how. How do you know when it's time? And I have got not only a fantastic visual metaphor to help you understand this concept, but I also have a really interesting way to approach this. We're gonna talk about the fact that your energy and your intuition is always there to tell you when it's time to let something go because it no longer serves you. So to get into this topic, I want to introduce the metaphor, and it was the metaphor I had started talking about as we were on that hike together.

I mean, here in the United States, anyways, it is autumn. It is the fall season. We are all about pumpkins. We are in harvest time. There are cornstalks everywhere.

We're getting ready for orange and red and all those amazing colors and carrot cake. I mean, I love this time of year. And I realize it may not be fall where you are. If you're, you know, part of our global fan base halfway around the world, it's summertime. Don't get hung up on the fact that I'm using fall as a metaphor.

I personally believe whenever it is that you are listening to this episode, even if it's 2 years from now, you're listening to this right now because you are meant to hear it right now, because there is a new season that needs to start in your life, and that's gonna require you to let go of things that no longer serve you. And so let's talk about the metaphor of what happens to a tree when the fall season hits. And in researching this for you because, you know, it's 1 thing to just kinda tell you a metaphor. It's another thing to really understand it and explain it. This was fascinating.

I know we we learned about chlorophyll in fall and the life cycle of a tree in elementary school, but I had forgotten most of this stuff. So check this out. The reason why a tree has leaves is because the tree needs energy to survive. It needs energy to grow, and the leaves have a very particular purpose. The leaves are there to take the sunlight and convert it to energy so that the tree can grow.

And in exchange, the tree gives a ton of water back to these leaves. I mean, this process of the leaves sprouting and the leaves growing and the leaves taking its surface area and converting the sun into energy so the tree can go from a tiny little acorn to a mighty oak, that is a lot of energy. And there's this reciprocal nature to the relationship that a tree has to its leaves because the tree has to bring in tons of water in order to fuel this energy exchange. And here's the reason why leaves fall off a tree. In the middle of winter, at least here in the United States, when the ground is frozen and snowpack is on top, there is no water for the tree.

And if those leaves with their big flat surface were to stay on that tree through winter, the leaves would kill the tree. It would suck the tree dry of all the water that it needs. An interesting thing about fall is that, you know, we look at the the leaves turning, and we look at the leaves dropping gently and falling down to the ground as this beautiful thing that happens, this natural thing that happens. It's so lovely. It's just wonderful.

Isn't this delightful? Do you wanna know that this is almost like a violent act? That the trees are pushing those leaves off its branches. The tree is basically going, yo. If you are hanging around on my branches through the wintertime, you are gonna suck me dry of all my energy.

I am gonna die if you don't get off my freaking branches. The tree literally pushes them, ejects them, kicks them out of their life. Why? Because there is no reciprocal energy exchange that can happen during the winter. The tree has to conserve its energy to survive.

And after the winter season, once those leaves are gone and the tree can conserve its energy instead of giving it all to that leaf while killing itself, I bet you got areas of your life where you're given all your energy into a relationship or into your work or into some stupid thinking pattern that you've been doing for years that makes you feel bad. You put all your energy in 1 direction. You get nothing in return. That's what fall is for a tree. The fall season for a tree is, thank you very much for spring and summer.

You were amazing. This relationship between the leaf and the tree, this was reciprocal. You got energy from me. I got energy from you. Bada bing bada boom.

And then all of a sudden, boom. This is a 1 way thing. And if I hold on to these leaves, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. And I'm bringing that metaphor and that visual and that that that documented point of view that this isn't just some lovely thing where the leaves, you know, change colors and it's so beautiful and how we all drink a pup pumpkin spice latte.

That's not what this is. This is a tree's survival. This is about energy. This is about the fact that in order to grow, in order to be strong, to be the best you, you gotta surround yourself with relationships and work and projects and friendships and habits where there is an equal reciprocal exchange that you give and you get in return. And that's where we're gonna start when it comes to how I want you to think about this concept of letting go.

We're gonna talk about how to identify that moment when there is no longer that energy exchange, that there is something that has become a complete energy suck? And when you realize, whether it's a friendship or a romantic relationship or a job or some habit or a place that you live, when you realize that something has become an energy suck on you, that's when you know it's time to let go. That's when you know, like that tree, that you better kick that thing off your branches because it's hanging on to you or you're holding on to it. And if you keep doing that, what will happen? And you've had this happen in your life where you've held on to things for too long, where you refused to let things go.

And what did it do? It sucked you dry. It sucked you dry of your energy. It sucked you dry of your vitality. It made you feel depleted.

Instead of those leaves or that project or that person withering away and and falling to the ground so that you could regain your strength so that you could step into a new season of your life? No. You gave it all to them. You held on for too long. Well, guess what?

That's not happening anymore because what we're gonna talk about when we come back from a short word from our sponsors, which I want you to listen to because, by the way, our sponsors, they're the reason why I can show up twice a week. There is a reciprocal exchange between us. They literally pay for this show, which is why I'm so enthusiastic about it so we can put this out there around the world for free. So I wanna give an energy exchange back to the amazing sponsors of the Mel Robbins podcast. Take a listen.

We're gonna be right back because we're gonna now talk about, in detail, what do I mean by reciprocal energy exchange, and where are the major areas in your life where you tend to start to have this be a 1 way thing, where you're given all the energy and you're the 1 that's depleted and dry? Alright. I'll be right back. You hang on to my branches. We're not done yet.

It's really green right now, which means these trees are holding on to it. Chlorophyll, that chlorophyll is coming through, but in literally a matter of days, the green is gonna leave those leaves. Yellow, orange, red, brown, purple, it's gonna take over, and those leaves will have served their purpose, and they will all of a sudden wither away and fall to the ground. That was Mel Robbins, your friend who has a degree in botany. No.

Just kidding. I, wanna touch on 1 point from what I said on the trail before we get into this energy exchange and how you're gonna use your intuition and the fact that you deserve to have an exchange, a reciprocal nature to what you give and what you receive back from it, I wanna talk about 1 thing that I said, which is the leaves served their purpose. When the leaves are green, the leaves are bringing energy to the tree, and the tree is returning energy in the form of water. The reason why the leaves start to change is because the tree starts to pull back. The tree starts pulling back on the amount of water that it is sending to the leaves.

The tree is starting to let go. The leaf no longer serves a purpose, and this is an important thing to say. Because so often, we have trouble letting go of friendships, of habits, of jobs, of, for me, where I lived and raised our kids for 26 years. We recently sold our home, and, by god, I held on to that for probably 2 years longer than we needed to because I had trouble letting go. But what I want you to focus on is that when something has a purpose in your life, that's an amazing thing.

And it's also normal for something to serve a purpose during a specific period of time and to no longer serve a purpose in your life now or in the life you wanna create. And so when you honor that a friendship served a purpose and a really good example of this is, you know how whenever you, have a new job or you move an apartment or you move to a city, that all of a sudden the patterns in your life change and your friendships change. And your friendships change because now you're doing different things. You're bumping into different people. It doesn't mean that you're no longer friends with the people that you used to hang out with at work.

But the friends that you had at work served a particular important purpose during that period of your life. There was an equal exchange back and forth. What you gave, you received back. It's why you ate lunch with the same people every day. You enjoyed them, and they enjoyed you.

But now that you live somewhere else, putting a ton of energy back into that relationship when you're not gonna get the same back, it doesn't serve the same purpose. And that's why when you let go of friendships, you also need to let go of the judgment on yourself, like there's something wrong with me. And am I doing something wrong? And do I have any of course, you have friends. The patterns of your life have changed.

You're putting energy somewhere else because you're getting energy from somewhere else. This is the natural cycle of life. It's the natural cycle of relationships. And I find that when you really honor the things that you need to let go of, whether it's a job you no longer like or a house you no longer wanna live in or a friendship you don't see very often or maybe it's some habit. Maybe it's some habit that you used to have.

So when you say something serves a purpose, you actually honor. You honor the energy it used to give you. You honor the fact that you put something into it, and you also honor the fact that not everything is gonna be in your life forever, and that's what allows you to let go. You start to let go when you realize that holding on to things is holding you back. And in particular, holding on to the guilt and the judgment that you layer onto yourself that you should, but I feel guilty, but this, but that, that is definitely holding you back from creating a new life and from creating space for something new to happen.

And, see, that's 1 of the reasons why you have to learn how to let go. Because when you continue to pour your energy into things that no longer give you energy back, it's gonna kill you. It's gonna kill your happiness. It's gonna kill your vitality. It destroys your motivation.

It makes you feel depleted. It makes you feel like you're the last on your list. And so that's reason number 1. And the second reason why you have to start to let go of what doesn't serve you is because as long as you are holding on to the old stuff, you have no time, no space, and no motivation to create anything new, period. And you know this.

So let's now jump into how. How do I use this energy exchange and my intuition to spot the things that are draining me dry and to let them go, push them off the branches, get them out of my life, thank them for their purpose and their service, but then get out of here because you need to make room for something new and better and energizing. Doesn't that sound good? Yeah. You better believe it sounds good, so let's do it.

And 1 of the reasons why I want you to really focus on energy is because your energy doesn't lie. I mean, just for a second with me. Just take a second. Whether you're out there walking the dog or you're driving around in your car or you're working from home or you're busy doing a bunch of stuff, I want you to just stop for a second. And I want you to assess right now what's your energy level.

Think about a fuel gage in a car, Empty to full. Empty in a human being means you feel depleted, you feel burnt out, you feel checked out, you feel like your whole life is basically pouring energy into everything else. Full in a human being basically means that you're energized. You're excited. You feel like the things that you're pouring yourself into, your habits, your routine, the people you're surrounded with, the projects you're working on, it may be difficult, but it's bringing energy back into your life too.

Your energy never lies. We are energetic human beings, and I know that sounds woo woo. We can get into the neuroscience on that on a totally different episode, but let me prove it to you. Have you ever walked into, say, a coffee shop, and the person that is behind the counter is having the world's worst day, they are super grumpy, it doesn't matter how big your smile is, it doesn't matter how nice you are, they are like, that energy actually impacts you just like your positive energy can impact somebody else. Energy is contagious.

And most importantly, when you hang out with your friend Mel Robbins, I'm gonna teach you to start to pay attention to it, and I'm gonna teach you to trust it because energy is also tied to intuition. And we're gonna get into this tool of how do you assess, is something giving me positive energy? Is something giving me negative energy? Is this, a relationship that is 1 way, or is this something that gives me something in return? That is the tool we're gonna talk about today.

And what if the very next morning, you walk into the coffee shop and you're having a bad day? Like, 1 of your pets is really sick and it just is really bumming you out and you're feeling really low, and the person behind the counter is just the nicest person on the planet. And they look you in the eyes and they give you a big smile and they, are really cheery and they compliment you. And they maybe even ask you, hey. How are you doing?

You're like, I'm not doing so great. You know? Oh, I'm really sorry. Coffee's on me. How do you feel?

You feel better because they poured their positive energy into you, and that lifted you up. Energy is contagious. It also always tells the truth. It's like a compass. In fact, a compass runs on magnetic energy.

That's why a compass always points true north. It never lies. Your energy doesn't lie either. It's why you feel kinda off around certain people. It's why if somebody texts you and you don't like them, you've you're like, ugh.

But if you like the person, you're like, oh, yeah. Cool. Energy never lies. So let's talk about how we're gonna use it. Okay?

So I'm going to break the topic of letting go into 2 different types of situations. And in each 1, I'm gonna explain how to use energy and paying attention to the energy inside you, both that you're giving, that you're feeling, and that you're receiving back in order to know when it's time to let go. So situation number 1 is super easy, and this is typically, when it has to do with things or projects or a job or somebody who's, like, really, really engaging in toxic behavior. Okay? This is the easy stuff.

This is when you have a flood of negativity around something, and I'm gonna give you a bunch of examples of this. Okay? So we all have a pair of pants that we're holding on to from high school or before we were pregnant or whenever that we can't freaking fit into. When you stare at those things, you're reminded that you can't fit in them. When you try to wiggle them on, especially after a shower, you feel terrible about yourself.

That is something that is an example. You need to let go of that. That job that you walk into where there is a pit in your stomach and you gripe about it to your friends and you spend all this energy pouring into why you hate it and resist it, you need to find another job. That friend that does nothing but gossip and roll their eyes and drag you down and literally is such a bad influence on you, you need to let them go. And what does that mean?

Well, that depends on you. Donate the pants for sure. Start redirecting your energy from complaining about your job to directing energy to looking for a new 1. I mean, just imagine. That's the other thing about this.

Do you know how much energy and time and effort you waste focusing on resistance and and complaining? If you were to just stop complaining for a day about something that gives you negative energy, like your job or your parents or your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your roommates, what if you stopped complaining? Because that's negative energy pouring out, and you directed that same effort towards something positive, like fixing it or letting it go and creating something new that makes you feel good. Like, I relate to that because I think I've spent a lot of my life pouring negative energy at things that I didn't really like instead of realizing I needed to complete this. I needed to let this go.

The the the roommate served a purpose 2 years ago. Not a fit right now, and that's okay. Time to kick the leaves off the branches. You know what I'm saying? Time to save myself instead of pouring everything into either another person or my energy into being upset and frustrated and disappointed.

So when you have things that are for sure 100% zapping your energy or you find yourself complaining, griping, resisting, let go. And you can do that in 2 ways. Obviously, donate, throw out, delete is 1. The other 1 is take all that negative resistance that you feel in you that churns and pour it into something positive. If you can't quit your job, for example, because you need to pay the bills, no problem.

Instead of complaining, instead of feeling resistant, spend 30 minutes every morning before you go to work looking for a new 1. Or spend 30 minutes every morning pouring positive energy into a hobby or a project or a side hustle that brings you positive energy. And when you start to do that, you start to lift yourself up because you are now getting this reciprocal exchange by pouring energy and attention into something new and something positive, and that's gonna lift you up. And by the way, that will also change your experience of that current job that you hate. I know this because I've done it.

I remember being, right out of, wait. Let's see. How old was I? I was 30 years old. I was pregnant with our daughter who's now 23, and we had moved to Boston from New York City where I had been a public defender, and I loved that job working for legal aid.

And so we moved to Boston. I do not have a license to practice in Massachusetts, so I could not work for the public defender's office. I have to take the bar, but I've got bills to pay, so I get a job in this huge law firm. And working in a law firm is the exact opposite of being a public defender. When I worked in New York City for legal aid, I was in court 5 days a week from 8 o'clock in the morning till 5 o'clock in the afternoon.

That was my job. I was on my feet. I was, you know, negotiating plea deals. I was talking to witnesses and police officers and judges and pro like, that going to clients, going to Rikers, all of it. When you get a job in a large law firm, you literally go into a high rise and sit in an office and write all day.

It was the exact opposite of what I am wired to do. I knew the moment I got that job that I was gonna hate it. And for a year, I would get on the commuter rail, and I would commute in for 45 minutes, and then I would get off the commuter rail, and I would clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp over to the building. And then I would get in the elevator, and then I would take the elevator up to, like, whatever, the 23rd floor, and then I'd clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp. I'd go into my office and shut the door.

And from the moment I woke up every morning, I felt depleted. The closer I got to that office as that train clunk clunk clunk clunk down the tracks towards Boston, the more resistance I felt. I got nothing in return from that job. Yes. I got a paycheck, and I needed it.

So it served a purpose, but I was getting nothing of value back. Because when I looked at the partners in the law firm, I knew damn well that's not the life I wanted. I knew that this was not a fit for me. But I'll I'll tell you. I I made the mistake that everybody makes.

Instead of recognizing that that's how I felt, instead of channeling all of that angst and resistance and into looking for something else, I sat there miserable, and I felt depleted, and I felt awful. And I'm gonna confess this to you. I didn't even take the advice then. You know what happened to me? I got pregnant, and I had a baby, and I went on maternity leave.

And when I was on maternity leave, that's when with distance from it, I was like, okay. There is no way I'm going back there. No way. Now that I have escaped, there is no way I'm going back. And we've all had exes like that, right, where you're, like, in it for so long.

You finally let it go and break off, and they're like, what the hell was I thinking now that I'm on the other side and I'm away from that, like, energy suck? I don't wanna go back to the, like, energy sucker vampire thing. What the hell? But when you're in it, that negativity vortex can keep you spinning and stuck. You convince yourself, but I need the money, but I can't do this.

And then you're so depleted from your complaining and the outpouring of energy and the wrong thing that you're just stuck stuck. That was me. So I get pregnant. I go on maternity leave. Holy cow.

I am free from the vortex of negativity. I've been let go, but now I gotta go back. And so my husband, Chris, says to me, look. I know you don't wanna go back, but here's the problem, Mel. We have a mortgage, and we have a baby, and you will go crazy being home.

And so here's the thing. You need to find a job. Your maternity leave ends in exactly 3 months, so that means you have 12 weeks to find a job, and you have to make $60,000 a year. That's it. And you know what's interesting?

If you give a human being a problem to solve, we get pretty creative. And I'll tell you what. The night before my maternity leave, I not only landed a job. It wasn't for 60 grand. It was for 55, but that was enough.

And I walked in the next day, and I let go. I I what do you say? I I guess I quit, but, you know, they they didn't let me go. I quit. But so what I'm trying to say is do not make the mistake that 30 year old Mel Robbins made.

Do not do that to yourself. Do not waste a year of your life spinning in that negativity energy vortex. Your body knows. Your spirit knows. Get rid of those pants.

Push that project to the side that you don't feel inspired to work on anymore. Let it go because it is sucking your vitality dry. Hey. It's Mel. Thank you so much for being here.

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