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[00:00:00]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 4th, two thousand twenty one.

[00:00:08]

Hey, happy New Year to you, for you're a jolly good fellow. And you over in the corner.

[00:00:23]

Hey. Twenty twenty one, everybody. We made it through twenty twenty, you know, doesn't it feel different? Doesn't it feel so much different?

[00:00:35]

I can just feel that this is going to be a better year. All right, we shall see a lot of funny shit, a lot of funny shit happened this week, all those fucking idiots out there in Atlanta. Fucking going out on New Year's Eve, going out on New Year's Eve and all of these kids who are yelling at the government, go look at what they're doing to small businesses, where are they when they see these fucking idiots walking around, not socially distancing like it's it's New Year's thief.

[00:01:06]

I'm an American. What are they going to take away next Easter? Oh, Jesus Christ, this whole fucking pandemic and people working together has been an abject failure. I don't know how to spell that word out of, you know, if I'm saying it right. I just know when something really fails. This is when you use this expression. This is what has been the problem has fucking been we are only as good as the dumbest motherfucker out here.

[00:01:39]

That's it. All it takes is one dumb dumb. Some start a new fucking. A new whatever. S. Is that what you call it, a new idea, new segment. There we go, a new segment of called Other People Dumb and I can't remember the words segment. We got a new one commenter of the week.

[00:01:58]

Just the level of dumb shit that you read, this was the best one, so there was some video, right, of this arrogant asshole in a store and he's not going to wear a mask. The guy's like fucking 60. He's got a ponytail, you know. So he's a repo man. Right.

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And I don't mean he's like a biker ponytail, you know, like somebody with some bodies and some sexual assault in his background. This is just some fucking guy who never cut his hair and felt like that was his big rebellion against capitalism and whatever. Right. So I'm judging. Of course I'm right. So he's fucking just sitting there going, you're too young to understand.

[00:02:36]

This is what the Nazis did. This is that's what the Nazis did. This is what the Nazis did. Telling people to wear masks so they won't get sick trying to save lives. That's what the Nazis did. It's not what the Nazis did. They branded a segment of people. Not all the people, a segment of the people, then they gradually worked him out of the population and exterminated them. That's what they did. They didn't say, hey, everybody, if you can please try to stay six feet away, please.

[00:03:06]

You have to wear a mask when you're in a store. Could you please do that? I know it's hard with surround sound and a flat screen TV to walk out of your house and put on a fucking mask that some poor bastard who works in a sweatshop makes 30 cents a month fucking made it so fucking hard to put that thing on. Right.

[00:03:24]

So anyway, so people, you know, rational people like to just put on a fucking mask, put on a mask by your dumb aspirin or another band for your stupid fucking ponytail. So goddamn old, you you know, you get so old, your hair looks like shredded wheat, just hasn't seen conditioner since, I don't know, Herbert Hoover, right.

[00:03:48]

So everybody's saying, you know, where mess and then all of these fucking, you know, hey, man, I know, I really know what's going on in the world. People start commenting. And this is what this was my favorite when everything was going like, oh, you're a sheep, you're this your dad, you're a globalist, you know, stay asleep, you know, like these fucking people.

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No shit. Right. Comment of the week. Somebody goes, all you have to do to know what's going on is watch that movie V for Vendetta.

[00:04:17]

That's all I have to do. It's amazing. I thought I would have to have a friend in the CIA who for some reason has a couple of Shirley temples and gets a little loose lipped and then maybe then maybe then I could find out what was going on. Evidentally I don't need friends and that level of high places who can't keep their fucking mouth shut. I just have to watch a Hollywood movie called V for Vendetta. These are the same fucking people that say Hollywood.

[00:04:44]

You know, everybody out here, a bunch of pedophiles drink it, baby blood and all of that shit. But at the same time, if you make a conspiracy theorist fucking movie that lines up with their dumb ass shit. All you have to do is watch V for Vendetta. I didn't know that, and I got to tell you, this has been one of the most frustrating, confusing fucking periods of the year. And I don't know what streaming service has V for Vendetta, but I'm going to watch it so I understand what's going on.

[00:05:12]

I got it so I don't listen to doctors, I watch a Hollywood movie. Yes, some of the commenters, Jesus Christ, I saw this thing on. Was it Gloria Vanderbilt, Anderson Cooper's mother, right, and I didn't I didn't know the whole back story, I just knew, oh, he was you know, I'm like Anderson Cooper, the fucking little rich, capable of doing the usual bullshit. Right.

[00:05:35]

I didn't realize that her son I can't believe I talked about this in the podcast. She had her son, Anderson Cooper, had a brother and and the kid, unfortunately, committed suicide, jumped from the 14th floor of their apartment building in front of their mother. And immediately I was just like, oh, my God. Oh, my. How do you how do you ever get past that in all of this stuff that I talk about this I can't remember whatever.

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I'll talk about it again in case you missed the last podcast. So in the comments sections, right? The fucking level of meanness, they go in like he can tell she was a devil worshipper, you can tell by the picture behind her. Talk about why Anderson Cooper is gay going, you know, that's what happened to your breast feed kids too long because she was a devil worshiper. This is why her kid killed himself and then all of that fucking astoundingly.

[00:06:36]

Mean, horrific shit they're writing also, these people need Jesus in their life, and I'm just sitting there like. This is this is my problem with a higher power. Or at least our theory on the higher power that he made us in his image. And he's going to judge us and all that, and it's just like. Anybody out there religious, how do you justify? That level of mean and just ignorance. Is it just always the devil?

[00:07:17]

No, because they actually have the devil. At what point do you look at God and be like, dude, really? Like you made this, you made these fucking idiots and now you're going to fucking judge them. It's your work. How about taking a little responsibility? Anyway, so. I don't know, and, you know, conversely, on the other side, with this whole blaming the government for everything. I'm not even going to sit here for half a second and not entertain the fact that that right now, because that this allegedly this vaccine out there that's going to work, that pharmaceutical companies are not.

[00:08:00]

Angling and elbowing and bribing fucking politicians and everything for, you know, to be to be the ones that put it out to fuckin price gouge, you know how they're going to give it out, who they're going to give it out to. Like there's not a bunch of a bunch of fakery going on. Of course there is. Of course there is. So I just want to. Reestablish my point, my point is, is I can't listen to people who are only blaming the government on this and not looking at fucking idiots in Atlanta, all going out to the club and shit, not wearing masks, all going in because because they want to go out, get dressed up.

[00:08:37]

And this is my New Year's. This is my right as an American.

[00:08:40]

That bullshit. What is really fucked up on all of this, I think. Is we haven't put together a winning streak. All right. We can't even get a three game winning streak because people get all fucking you know, they just I don't know what it is.

[00:08:57]

They watch V for Vendetta and they they watch that movie. And they listen to that and they don't listen to doctors, so I don't know whatever, and then there was a great Donald Trump fucking. Clip of him talking to another Republican saying, I need to find these votes and wasn't there tampering with the machines, no, we haven't found that. I mean, inside the inside the machine and all of this shit and just watching people still denying. And I'm not I'm not even saying that Joe Biden would not do something like this.

[00:09:32]

He absolutely fucking absolutely OK. You can't trust an 80 year old guy with the facelift. You just can't, cannot, cannot.

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But I'm just saying, you know, it is what it is. So, of course, our Trump people are sitting there going like, well, you know, it's attitude, you got to listen to the whole thing and the people like, well, here's a link to the whole thing. Go listen to it.

[00:09:51]

They're not going to listen to it because they don't want to hear it. So I don't know. This would be like me saying, hey, you know, I think my seven and nine patriots actually had a good football season. At some point you got to turn around and be like, look, we didn't get the fucking job done. OK, you want to talk V for Vendetta? Let's talk about that Eagles game last night with giant fans were sitting at home actually whispering Fly Eagles fly.

[00:10:22]

Because they needed them to win to get into the goddamn playoffs, playoffs, right? They needed him to get in. And. I was like up to my neck with the chaos at that point during the day, so I was popping in and out, popping in and out, and I know the Redskins came out to an early lead. I know that the Eagles had some sort of quarterback in there that wasn't, was it? Kirk Cousins? Carson Wentz, I always forget who the fuck those two guys to play on the same team.

[00:10:49]

I can't keep them straight. But that guy wasn't in and then they had a backup in who was fucking doing great. And at the end of the game, when they were like down by three or whatever, they take him out and put some fucking punter in to be quarterback and they lose the fucking game. Giants don't make the playoffs. Giants would have played the Tom Brady Buccaneers and then we could watch all the people overhyping the game, acting like this is Tom Brady's chance to get revenge on a giant team while he's not a patriot anymore.

[00:11:18]

And Eli and Tom confluent, gone and watched them try and shoehorn that fucking thing to be like, but wait, is it the logo?

[00:11:26]

Is that what it is?

[00:11:29]

So we missed out on all of that. Because they tanked and then one of my buddies goes, that was the biggest tanking I've ever seen in my life, and then it's a Patriots fan.

[00:11:38]

I then had to flip out and be like, no, it wasn't. Now, it wasn't the biggest tanking you're ever going to fucking see. You're ever going to fucking see is when Jim Earthsea in the Indianapolis Colts tanked a half a fucking season to get Andrew Luck, they tanked eight fucking games in a row or whatever it was, six games or something like that. Remember Peyton Manning, one of the greatest ever do it? He had that neck problem, he fucking went to Europe, you know, some shit was sent to his house in his wife's name.

[00:12:12]

And he comes back and he's like, my neck is stronger than ever. And for the first time ever, an owner was like, what? We're really concerned about your long term health, you know, finally gave a fuck about a player and they kept me on the bench because he was like in his, whatever, 15 fucking year. Whatever the hell it was, and they decided that he was washed up and then like and he has this great fucking kid, Andrew Luck, coming out of Stanford, right.

[00:12:37]

Let's go get this guy, and that's what the fuck they did, so, I mean, I don't think that that's the biggest take. Having said that, something went on there, I don't know. I don't know why they would do that.

[00:12:47]

You want to end on a positive note, like my New England Patriots beating the two and 13 to win 13 team. Nobody wanted to play. The New York Jets. Whatever I have to say, congratulations. To the great state, the great state of Ohio, what a football weekend you guys had. All right.

[00:13:11]

I want to say Cincinnati one, two, and they win the ballgame OHSU.

[00:13:17]

Kick the shit out of Clemson, trounced them, absolutely trounced them all freckles on freckles when I went to on his playoff picks. OK, which I know you guys want to give me shit about that college football playoffs, but like that I was consistent. I went, oh, for two. So all you have to do is go against. Whatever I predict. For the championship game, he should win your bet right now. Don't do that. Don't do that because I want to actually give you my what I really think is going to happen.

[00:13:52]

After I told you what I thought was going to happen this past weekend, I said take Clemson in the points. And I said, take Alabama giving the points. And that Alabama, that was it was all going great to the final fucking three minutes of the game. And that's why I try not to bet because I would have been losing my fucking shit. Anyway, is there anything funnier than watching Nick Saban losing his fucking mind? I mean, the way he was yelling and the look on his face because of the final three minutes of that game that Notre Dame scored, you would have thought he had money on the game and then they didn't get the onside kick.

[00:14:29]

I mean, it was just it's fuckin. You just see, like special team coaches getting yelled at, offensive coordinators, defensive coordinators, it's just he just gets in their ass right on TV, does not give a fuck I would fucking love.

[00:14:48]

To see dash cam footage. And then fucking driving home those coaches, what they been saying, all this shit that they want to say to Nick Saban. Hey, you balding, angry country, a again by forty five. He thinks I'm not fucking onside kicks, somebody is going to get one, you fucking lunatic. You can't stop calling me at 43, you know, they say that you know that, they say that.

[00:15:26]

Plowing ahead here and the Cleveland Browns beat the Pittsburgh Steelers to make the playoffs. There was a lot of weird games yesterday.

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I saw I turn on the Chargers game and like the Chargers are kicking the shit out of the Chiefs. Then I see that, you know, Mahomes isn't playing.

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I don't think Roethlisberger played or whatever, which could be like this genius thing for them to easily get past the first round of the playoffs. So it's just like, all right. Well, we'll let you play our second team, the Cleveland Browns, get into the playoffs, then we'll play you next week in the playoffs and have our statis in there and kick the shit out of you. But congratulations to the Cleveland Browns, the first time they've made the playoffs.

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I don't know when the last time they made the playoffs, unless you're a stickler.

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All right, and you say, well, the Cleveland Browns are also the Baltimore Ravens. You know, and they make the playoffs all the fucking time, but at this point they are the Ravens, they've changed their names, they transitioned from Cleveland to Baltimore. All right. Last time a teammate, the Cleveland Browns Browns, were in the playoffs.

[00:16:30]

Let's see. Can I get an answer? When was the last time the Browns made the playoffs? In 2002, when they lost the wildcard round. This is what the world look like the last time the Browns made the playoffs, well, Jesus Christ, it wasn't that long ago. It was right after 9/11. George W w was in office. Michael Moore was complaining for some reason, this isn't working here. All right, plowing ahead, whatever.

[00:17:06]

Just keep moving on. He's going to keep moving out. All right, so Ohio State advances. And Alabama advances, which is kind of great because these are the two most powerhouse fucking teams in the country, I will say this what did suck about someone who didn't give a shit either way about the game? Because I know I trash Ohio State a lot, but I trash their wine and ass fan base, who every year we should be in the playoffs.

[00:17:35]

We beat Northwestern by 30 every fucking year.

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I just get sick of them whining, but I really like the program and I love the team colors and all of that type of shit, so I have a weird thing about that.

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But I was as I was saying, they've only played they only played six games and now they played seven games, so they they're really fresh and.

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I don't know, I think they got as good a chance as anybody against Alabama, and I'm going to be rooting for Ohio State in this just because Alabama has won so much. And I just love watching Nick Saban lose his fucking mind when I watch him flipping out when something bad happens and just turning to his immediate the immediate coach next to him and just yells at him, it just it makes me homesick.

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It's like, oh, I should have gone home for the holidays.

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But anyway, the only thing I didn't like about the fucking game was not the first targeting called the second targeting call, where it's just like, you know, what the fuck?

[00:18:42]

It's like I know we did, the kid didn't have his head up, that's what fucked him. But it's like even with his head down, he was going to hit him with his shoulder. But then the QB. Like te sp1, he sort of spun into his head and if anything, the kid always you got his fucking I mean, I know a Clemson, I was worried he was spying, was going to get compacted and compressed or whatever they say and.

[00:19:05]

I mean, he hit him in the fucking ribs. And you want to watch and running backs every time they go to hit the hole, they got their head down, they're able to lead with the crown of their helmet for some fucking reason. And these other kids can't I don't know. I mean, it's definitely on Clemson because you got to have your head up. But it just.

[00:19:28]

That just look like the one way hit the guy in the ribs, the guy's like six three to 30 to 40. It's not like he hit a punter. All right. Or a whippet. This is a giant man running full speed trying to get a first down in a championship fucking game here, a playoff game. The kid made an incredible fucking open field tackle that just stopped that guy in his fucking tracks, and what did he he knocked the wind out of them and you kick them out of the fucking game.

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That was really. I'm not guilty, I shut the game off it at halftime, I'm like, yeah, this game is fucking over. The two best players are out. The first kid, you know, I'm like I said, I'm not bitching about that one, but. I don't know. That sucked and to be fair, I wish that, you know, Clemson players, those two kids kept their heads up instead of doing that dumb shit and get yourself kicked out of the game.

[00:20:20]

But having said that, you know, if the offensive player spins into your fucking helmet and then you hit him in the ribs, what are you supposed to do? I mean, there is I don't know, that was the only part of the game that I did not enjoy. Oh, by the way, I have a part, a new podcast coming up called Anything Anything Better. And it's going to be with Paul versity. For years, you guys have been saying, you know what, you should do a podcast with Paul Vergès.

[00:20:48]

So I'm like, all right, we like to talk in sports. So we're going to talk sports, I don't know, a couple of times a month. Plus, you know, it's not like we get to work on the road anymore with the whole covid thing, you know, and all you guys have to do, if you want to know what's going on, just watch, you know, just watch V for Vendetta. You know, just watch La Femme Nikita, OK, if you want to see what they're going to be doing with you with this fucking vaccine or you have to do is watch, dude, where's my car?

[00:21:16]

OK, and it's don't watch it literally. You have to watch it for the metaphor. So anything better, which is of course the classic Pulvers the dude. Is there anything better than a bag of chips with the sandwich? Is there anything better than a new Nike pullover and a new pair of Jordans? Is there anything better? How does it get better? So it's going to be his positivity with my Grump's talking sports or whatever, it's going to be fun.

[00:21:50]

Speaking of sports, Celtics had some fun games this weekend. They split with the Pistons, both games, two point games. I saw the first half of the first game. Jesus Christ. We had like five points after, like, six minutes. What was hilarious is we did have eight. Then they realized Marcus Smart three point. It didn't count. So then they took it away. I mean, we were down by like 15 points, like eight minutes into the game and we somehow clawed our way back.

[00:22:18]

Still lost by two. But, you know, that happens a lot after you have like a big win where everybody played great. We played Memphis the day before and they were like, you know. Jaylen Brown had like 43 points and three quarters, he had a career high, Jayson Tatum had a career high. So I always hate when that happens to and then the next game, they look like dog shit. And he just like, why didn't I see the letdown game coming?

[00:22:44]

Why didn't I bet that it always makes sense after you go see it, you know, after watching the game, it's like now that I know what happened, how did I not know what was going to happen before I watched what was going to happen? You start beating yourself up. But anyway, the holiday season's over.

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I'm hanging on to my Christmas tree like you can't believe.

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I had all I could do to not light it up, and I was I was big on January 2nd, you got the tree out of the house. I was always that person. I think that's a responsible, responsible person, but the person who has like the Christmas tree, someone on my block did that like it was literally the day after Christmas in the Christmas tree with the tree stand. That you could use again next year, this person could not wait.

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To get this fucking tree out of the house and it's just like. Like, wow, like you really weren't into the holidays, were you? You know, I mean, what does that fogginess you like put you on some sort of a fuckin list or something? I don't know, I mean I mean lie to you if I didn't tell you that, that I don't have my eye on that person on the block going like that, somebody, you know.

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During the zombie apocalypse, I'm not going to be able to count on. Now, come on, man, let's ban the whole block together, it's like now you're going to be out for yourself. Because I don't know what kind of Christmas tree we bought, but this thing just like is still drink in the water, it's still holding, you know, it's not looking like a dead tree. You know, we cut the roots of. I don't know, it still smells like Christmas in their.

[00:24:28]

Our lights are still up. I'm a little behind. I don't give a fuck, it's still the stupid pandemic still going. Can I have a little bit of Christmas, extended Christmas, it's my right as an American. OK, and if you don't if you don't fucking know what I'm talking about, about the holidays, all you have to do is watch the Fast and Furious Part five to know exactly what the fuck's going on out there, OK?

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You don't need to be informed people. You don't need to have an education. You don't need to talk to experts in the field.

[00:25:01]

You just need to watch a Hollywood movie, um. If you want to know what's going on with Nick Saban, all you need to do is watch the king of Staten Island there to promote a movie that I wasn't.

[00:25:18]

All right. So yesterday. You know, I have this New Year's resolution that I've been doing is I have a salad a day, all right, all the holiday sweets are gone, although I like to think that they're not all gone because I'm still here. You know. Yesterday was like the first day I actually ate well, since maybe before. Halloween, it all started with the pumpkin bread and, you know, I hit the crack pipe again and I just fucking.

[00:25:52]

You know, there's a lot of whipped cream in my life. Nothing will make you hate yourself more. Then having a late night dessert. And then go into the fridge, it's not enough that you have in the dessert is when you go to get the whipped cream. I can't help but mutter to myself, you fat fuck, what are you doing? What are you doing? You fat, pasty, freckled piece of shit? Aren't you unsightly enough?

[00:26:20]

That's right. That's right. Make a mountain of it. Make it have actually have the whip cream be actually thicker than the dessert that you're eating. You worthless fucking human being, but then you take that first bite and you're like, oh, I'm sorry people, this is all I have left. All right, I don't drink, I'm not a weed guy. You know. My daughter is all over me with smoking cigars today. Why are you blowing smoke so I can't do that anymore?

[00:26:54]

I have to wait till I'm on the road. You know, I actually was thinking about, you know, I take these hikes around my neighborhood, maybe I could smoke a cigar then it's like really big. You're going to be walking up a hill fucking smoking kids stogie.

[00:27:10]

I don't know. I need a park bench. I just wish there was a park bench at the end of my street, I could just sit down and people would just leave me alone, like I want to be that guy. You know, sitting on a park bench, feeding pigeons while smoking a cigar. But just reading the paper. Can I do that? Can I socially distance on a fucking park bench? So anyway, I've been getting back into, like the salad, so I've been making two simple salads, I kept the recipes that that listener sent in, which I really appreciate and the name of that book.

[00:27:48]

And I'm going to up my salad game here in the 20 21. Try to get myself back in shape and got to go on hikes and all of that bullshit.

[00:28:02]

So what do you guys got? What you guys got this year for New Year's resolutions, huh? You got anything I don't know what I have, I just want this whole fucking thing to end. I know I've been shit not making fun of people in all of this stuff, but like, I just want us to come together.

[00:28:18]

People can't we just all pull in the same direction every time we start to get some positive fucking let's all do this. This.

[00:28:25]

This is always going to be the contrarian going, oh, what about V for Vendetta?

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What about the Nazis? Jesus. I actually think when somebody brings up the Nazis, I actually think that they that. That they actually don't know world history, because I think at this point, it's like, how do you not know about the Nazi state like the Beatles of evil people? Everybody knows a Beatles song, right? That doesn't mean, you know, music. OK, so like if somebody said like, hey, this is like what Stalin did, this is like, what was it, Ivan the Terrible?

[00:29:03]

This is what Mussolini did, or maybe maybe we get outside of of white Europe. You know, hey, this is what Idi Amin did, you know, you know, this kind of has a Gandhi flavor to it. I don't know anybody else.

[00:29:17]

All right. Plowing ahead here. So yesterday. My marriage is in such a fucking great place right now, and all I did was just make a little minor adjustment. For that Kevin Bacon suggestion where he said marriage is not a lot of work, it's a lot of fun, so I just make sure that I'm always being silly, stupid and making my wife laugh. And, you know, she saw this house that she wanted to go look at right now like we're going to buy a new house of a pandemic, OK?

[00:29:51]

So but I was just saying, you know, let's just go look as it's fun, let's go look at something big and stupid we're not going to fucking buy, right. So, Mike, absolutely, let's go. She's like, really, you really want to do that?

[00:30:04]

And like, yeah, let's do it, you know, she's like, wow, he's actually a fun guy. So then she's in a great mood. Then I'm in a good mood. Right. Happy wife. Happy life. So. All right, fuck it. So I put the game on pause or whatever.

[00:30:15]

I record it. And. I go out to go to go look at this fucking house and. Got into this house, it was oddly gigantic, it was all on one level, it was shaped like a fucking horseshoe and.

[00:30:36]

It was absolutely beautiful, but there wasn't one fucking thing about the house that said that you even remotely loved your children.

[00:30:47]

First of all, we walked in, it looked like the Federal Reserve building. And it had a giant like the door look like I was walking into a store, this giant door. And you opened it up, and that's why I felt like I felt like I was in one of these high end stores, like my first instinct was like, all right, let me go find a seat while Nia goes to try on some shit. So we go in there and they had totally redone the whole thing, the guts of it, too, which was really exciting to me.

[00:31:17]

So the floors were level and I knew that all the piping, the electrical, everything, the insulation, everything was brand new. So that was very exciting. But like the kids bedrooms were super fucking small. Kitchen was huge, the living room area was fucking massive, like I could picture with my daughter on a scooter flying around it at these level floors how big it was.

[00:31:42]

And then you go in and it's like the rooms were super small, that indoor outdoor fucking giant sliding windows. So you had these really small bedrooms with these giant sliding glass things that would go out to the pool area because it was a horseshoe shape with like the pool in the middle and.

[00:32:04]

Yeah, like so the kids bedrooms are super small, but like the whole wall of one of them looking out to the pool was all glass. So you couldn't really put any furniture up against it because it would look stupid. It's also supposed to open and like, this is weird. And then you go into the master bedroom and it's like it's almost like a whole other house, the giant walk in closet, huge fucking bathroom. And all of this and then behind that was like you walked out and there was this sick little fuckin area where you could like.

[00:32:40]

It was like a man cave, indoor outdoor, like flat screen TV, a full bar with a fridge. And then behind that was like this other little building thing that had like a gem in it, it was fucking ridiculous, was huge, fucking huge, but it was just like, yeah, fuck you kids. This is all about you. For if you want to entertain and have your friends come over and do some blow after you put the kids to bed.

[00:33:04]

Right.

[00:33:05]

So. I'm sitting you know, we went once through the house like, wow, yeah, that was really amazing. This is beautiful. I like looking in a big, stupid house. I look at it by fucking buying it. OK, I'm not fucking buying it. Right. So I'm sitting there. And I'm like, all right, cool, thanks for showing us the house and then. My wife's like, hey, I just want to walk around again, blah, blah, and next thing you know, I'm sitting there like a fucking half an hour and she's pushing her kid around the stroller.

[00:33:34]

And I'm like, wait a minute. What's good is she fallen in love with this house? What the fuck is going on here? So I'm sitting there. The real estate agents really call one of them comes over with an iPad and starts to explain to me that this is a smart house. And I sat there for like seven straight minutes going, huh? Yeah, OK, is this person had to explain to me how to open the curtains, which Apte can hit on this laptop.

[00:34:05]

Now, at this point, I'm feeling claustrophobic.

[00:34:08]

It's like I just want to get out of here. This feels like I walked into a Scientology building and now I can't get out.

[00:34:14]

And eventually we ended up. You know, walking out or whatever in a. The real estate agent said to me. So what you think you know, and I was like, yeah, I didn't like I didn't like it just didn't feel kid friendly and all of that shit. And then I found out later that my wife actually loved it. My wife is like, you know. She's like, she's got me watching shit like. She doesn't have me watching this shit, actually, my drum teacher got me into this shit, I was watching this documentary last night on Jean-Michel Basquiat, who I've never understood.

[00:34:56]

His artwork, I was just going like, I must be stupid because this looks like. My fuckin high school notebook. And I started to watch this documentary, and the more I watched it, the more I learned about the guy, all of a sudden I started looking at his paintings and I started to get it for the first time a little bit. I mean, I don't get that somebody paid 110 million dollars for a fucking painting. OK, I mean, I don't want to.

[00:35:27]

Overstate this here, but that sounds like some V for Vendetta. OK, like. Just watch V for Vendetta if you want to know how somebody has one hundred and ten million dollars laying around to invest in a fucking painting. All you need to watch is Freddy got fingered. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, so she's like into that type of stuff, so we ended up leaving and we had this really mature conversation about it. The whole fucking thing, and I was just saying, like, listen, we spent all this money on a house, OK, to the point, if I went to sell it now, we're going to lose fuckin money.

[00:36:10]

We've got a great house, it's a cozy house. I like that when we're in the TV room, we're all on top of each other, we don't need like walkie talkies to fucking talk to each other. And then also there's a certain price point that you go past in a fucking house and it's like, what? What the fuck are we doing here? OK, why don't you want to play. Nine million dollars a year in property taxes?

[00:36:33]

This is like fucking. You know, I never forget when my brother told me, he told me a long time ago because you know what wealth is this? When we were really young, he goes walking into a mall, being able to buy anything and then you don't. And I just told you, I just said, listen, I like that. I don't. That house would be great for you and me. It wouldn't be great for the kids and I started talking about that, she goes, Yeah, you know what, you're right.

[00:36:57]

And I feel like the rooms we have in our houses, like they can stay in those rooms and blah, blah, once I get the fucking plumbing fixed, Hellboy, that's the big that's the biggie.

[00:37:08]

This year I have one last bathroom that I have to do. And it's going to cost me a small fucking fortune and he's going to have to open up walls in the ceiling and all of that fucking shit. But once we get that done, I think we should be all good. And I don't know, I'm just really psyched that my wife is fucking cool because I knew that she fell in love with that house, it was really like it was beautiful.

[00:37:37]

It was beautiful, but it was just like. You know, all right, well, OK, we can get this and I'll be on the road for the rest of my life. Which, by the way, there's no road gigs anymore, I'll be standing by the side of the fucking highway, I guess, doing 16 shows in eight days, which once again, thank you to everybody who came out in Texas. Man, I've still been thinking about how much fun I had and how much people give a shit about stand up comedy that they would come out.

[00:38:11]

You know, and sit in a field that could hold, you know, 4000 people and only have, you know, 80 people there. You know, it was the sound of the cars were driving by and shit, there was a lot of fun. Oh, and lastly, but not least, I've really gotten in to filming myself, playing drums over the whole. Oh, God, I hate the way I look and I just been watching.

[00:38:36]

Oh, my God. I'm a fuckin mess. I thought I was killing everybody, I thought I was fucking killing it, I fucking said, Oh my God, I stink. Holy fucking shit, I stink. I was doing this film, right? Single stroke really fast fell and I had my pinkies up. I didn't think I had my pinkies out. I used to watch videos go look at that guy's got his pinky fingers are supposed to be on the stick thinking I was doing that.

[00:39:12]

Camera don't lie, man. The video camera does not fuckin life. Jesus Christ, what a shit show. But I've already gotten better by filming myself, so that's what I do.

[00:39:26]

And I don't know, like I set my foot is the fastest it's ever been. Still not up to speed, but I'm hanging in there, so that's what I do. I eat salads every day and I'm filming myself, playing drums, and I'm just going to keep working on the same. Fuckin lix that I've been working on and then also trying to come up with something that actually maybe that I came, you know, made instead of just trying to put somebody else did.

[00:39:51]

All right.

[00:39:51]

Anyway, let's get into the let's get into the weeds here for the week here in Geto.

[00:39:58]

Oh, by the way, yet, Semih, you know, I don't care what your politics are, you would know that at the top of this podcast, OK? I probably came off like a fucking liberal, Larry, but I'm not. I really am. I want everybody to come together, OK, but, you know. When it does come to a moment, we got to call a spade a spade. All right. Like you listening to that fucking Trump conversation, he's tried some underhanded shit.

[00:40:21]

Now, if I listen to a Joe Biden fucking thing doing the same thing, I'm going to call out Joe Biden, OK? That's all I'm fucking doing here. So don't get all into your team colors. All right, everybody, it's in Cheeto. All right, make every moment an opportunity to look your best with Indochine perfectly fitted custom clothes are more affordable than you might think. Talk about an outfit or a favorite piece of clothing that you feel especially confident in or that you get a lot of compliments on.

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Well, you know something? I always feel like when I wear a tracksuit that everybody, you know, as long as it has the sweat pants wear, the pockets are deep enough that I could put my phone in there, unlike the pair that I have on right now, which they just some corporate can't figure it out like, hey, you know what? If we have material inside where the pockets are supposed to be that are just big enough that you can keep one peanut mnm in there.

[00:41:20]

Technically, there's still pockets. And think about this is a pair of Adidas fucking sweatpants. And I don't know about Nike or any of that shit. I'm an Adidas guy. I can tell you this right now. If you get a pair of Adidas sweatpants, make sure you put your pants hands in the fucking pockets. Because this God damn thing, if I even I may be talking like I start, I think about sitting down at my phone, falls out of my fucking pockets.

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Huh. You want to have a while. A fucking wildebeest right over your dick. They got it. I don't know if they do, but they probably should. They literally made for your couch. And guess what? You don't ever have to leave the couch again with me with the Mandi's membership, a subscription that sends new pairs right to your door. What are they suggesting here? Jesus Christ.

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[00:51:12]

You're not going to lose weight. It doesn't work.

[00:51:15]

It's never worked. It's like the fuck it does it. If you get on a treadmill and run three miles a day, seven days a week, you're absolutely going to lose weight unless you get off the treadmill and eat a sleeve of fucking cookies. And whatever this person is selling me is not going to work unless I'm eating right. It's all about diet people, OK? You don't even have to fucking work out if you eat the way you're supposed to eat and then you go for a fucking walk around the block, you're going to have you're going to lose weight.

[00:51:45]

You just, ah, don't listen to these fucking cunts, all right?

[00:51:48]

These fucking idiots where you've got to have a I don't have a mirror now that talks to mirror mirror on the wall.

[00:51:56]

I need a personal trainer in my house. You don't you know, you need to read up on nutrition. You need to eat. Right. I always get sucked into those things. There's there's a food out there that helps boost male testosterone. And in the next half hour, I'm going to reveal to you and you sit and just fucking tell me what the food is.

[00:52:16]

For so long, people have been telling you to eat these other foods when you actually should be eating this food over here, and when we tell you what this food is, it is going to change your life and you can have a body like this. It's just perfect timing. Twenty eight minutes later. I don't I usually hang in there for, like, fucking eight minutes and then I just I just. All right, you got me all right.

[00:52:39]

So. Oh, wait, I got to tell you about an amazing fucking movie that I have never seen Once Upon a Time in the West starring Jason Robards, Charles Bronson. Henry Fonda. It is fucking amazing. And if you write scripts, you should definitely fucking watch it, because all that Syd Field book, you know, you get in the first 10 pages, you do this by page 22. All of that is out the fucking window.

[00:53:05]

No, this the first scene is 11 minutes long. And I think there's like five lines of dialogue. That's it, it's just people giving each other looks sitting around it is it's two hours and 40 minutes. It is a fucking masterpiece. Fucking masterpiece, Sergio Leone. And if you watch it, you see that movie like Tarantino has watched this movie a zillion times. Because I always wondered when I watched Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. When he did that great shot, that kid Tex, from the Manson family riding the horse and how breathtaking and big and and just cinematic that moment was, when you watch this movie like, oh, this is what this this is what a kid can see as a kid.

[00:53:53]

This is what Tarantino grew up on, movies like this. It's just Henry Fonda is playing the bad guy. I would sit I would sit down and watch it again. It was the fastest two hours and 40 minutes of my life. I absolutely fucking loved it. And I guess it's part of a trilogy of or at least two. There's one other movie once upon a time and something else. I have to watch all of them. Absolutely incredible.

[00:54:18]

All right. Anyway, so. Dear Billy Preston, nice, nice fucking will it go round in circles where they've been in it with a high like a bird up in the sky did it.

[00:54:33]

You also played Keys and the Beatles. Check out the movie Soul on Disney. Plus, you know what I fucking I started to watch that. Me and my wife. That's on our list to watch. I, I love the animation and also anything with Jamie Fox.

[00:54:49]

I'm going to watch. It's not French, but I think you like Jamie Fox and Quest Love. Do the voices. I didn't know what was in that. The message is solid and solid and I think you'd appreciate it. OK, I'm in. I'm beyond it.

[00:55:03]

All right. All right, you made the books, dear Billy, dried up booze bag, I got my kid a little gold in book story.

[00:55:12]

I didn't know this. This is really cool little golden books. I have a bunch of those for my daughter and she loves them. I grew up on these things, the Mandalorian, the little golden book, the Mandalorian. So I'm reading to him on Christmas night. I turn the page and boom, there's old baldy. Congratulations on another first in your career.

[00:55:32]

Thanks for the laughs.

[00:55:33]

Oh, that's so fucking cool. That's really cool. All right, 60s butties. Dear Billy, old school, I've been watching a lot of old movies, I'm really digging these old school checks, Faye Dunaway and Thomas Thomas Crown Affair, you know, I never seen that.

[00:55:53]

I got to see that is like walking magic. Audrey Hepburn in Shahade, Brigitte Bardot. Let me tell you, Brigitte Bardot, it's funny. I'm infatuated by them and they didn't even need to talk. Do you think will ever return to that happy medium of appeal somewhere between the pilgrims and the slobs on Instagram are.

[00:56:18]

A thousand thanks for this fucking email exactly, this whole fucking bullshit of like I'm taking control of my sexuality. No, you're you're acting like a whore. That's what you're doing, all right, this whole fucking thing where you got to dress like a superhero when you work out and have fuckin shorts up your fucking ass when you're working out is that you don't need all of that. You're not around like, you know, heavy machinery and you could get dragged into one to get killed or go on, like farming equipment.

[00:56:51]

I still I still pretty much dress the same goddamn way now. That's not true because back in the day you had like the real sweatpants, not like the tracksuit things. I actually got a pair of those. Somebody gave it to me when I was out on the road, they gave me a little bag of some company or something like that, so. You know, I took some of the stuff I gave the rest to Dean del Ray, but I have his old school sweatpants.

[00:57:17]

I fucking love them. I like him more than these tracksuit fucking things. They're soft, they're comfortable, you know, and they're great.

[00:57:24]

From when you put whipped cream on top of a dessert you can feel yourself in is fat.

[00:57:32]

Yeah, do I think we'll ever go back to that? Yeah, I think but I think it'll be more like a hipster movement. Type of thing where people. Sort of embrace that, because what's going to happen is. There's there's going to be like you would think, but I don't know, maybe, maybe they won't. You would think that they'll reach a point where. The only next step would be for a woman to be like completely nude, pulling her pussy lips apart is is about is I don't know what you know, to try and top one another, I, I think.

[00:58:14]

Those classic looks. Like Audrey Hepburn, I mean. There's nothing anybody is doing today that I've seen that is. It's just better than that, and then I also feel like like the old school movie stars, the guys back then. You know, they would just have like a black suit with a white shirt and a black tie and they weren't like overly worked out, developed, they were just in shape. I don't know. They look more like men.

[00:58:42]

That's why once upon a time in the West, it's just it's some man shit. It's fuck it all it is, and I don't want to ruin the movie, but I want to talk about it so bad, it's just fucking. You know. I don't know if you saw V for Vendetta, you're going to love this movie. No, I don't. I don't think so, because there's so many people on Instagram that their talent is their amazing body and they have to fucking show it off.

[00:59:15]

Because what else are they going to do if they can't write, they can't rap, they can't tell jokes? It's it is what it is, but they're not pretty enough to be signed by a modeling agency. So they got to walk around with half their who are hanging out. I mean, it is what it is. And you can't blame the horse because people fucking want to look at the shit. So there you go. Do I think it's going to come back to.

[00:59:41]

Now. You can bring it back, though. You could dress classy, try to bring some class to the room, you can find a woman out there. Sure. There's a woman watching movies like that wants to incorporate that style with a little bit of shit from today. That would be cool. I have no idea unless you want to do is ask me about fashion. All right.

[01:00:01]

My wife claims to be great, but it's actually the worst. Oh, boy. Here we go. Here we go.

[01:00:08]

We're going and going and getting in quick here. Buildup, that's probably not the first time you've been called that. No, it is not. But since you like to be called offensive things, I do. I'll start there. Well, thank you. I'm writing since you seem to be rather forward in your advice, instead of taking a nice guy approach, I'd like to know what I should. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Here we go.

[01:00:35]

It's not playing well, I want to play. I got to get a fucking someone I need to. It's time, yeah. Hey, that's me. Sorry for those who lost this movie of somebody else. All right.

[01:00:51]

Asking me for advice. Always a dangerous thing. Always a dangerous thing. I'm not a licensed professional. I'm a fucking jerk off. But here's my two cents. I did watch I did watch V for Vendetta. At one point I did see that movie. I have seen that movie I'm writing you since you seem to be rather forward. But I've been with a woman for ten years.

[01:01:14]

We're married. With one seven year old boy who is the absolute apple of my eye early in our marriage, it became very obvious that she didn't contribute much to the household. We lived in a one bedroom apartment and I did most of the cleaning because she never bothered to do any of it. Do you realize how many guys are in this situation? It's this weird thing where feminism told them that, oh, you're on, you're making the guy a sandwich and you clean it up and what do you is fucking slave, you know, which I say is all well and good as long as you then go out and get a fucking job.

[01:01:50]

And you bring in money into the house, then I don't have a problem cleaning up as much, but if you're making half the fucking messes, you should be cleaning up half the fucking messes. I paid all I paid all of the bills because if it was left to her to do it, we would have have late fees every month on all bills we both worked.

[01:02:12]

So she was tired at the end of the day and never cared to cook. This is understandable, but at the same but at the same time, it's frustrating because she always brags about her amazing cooking skills.

[01:02:25]

I know and you worked all day, so you're tired, too, within a few months after the wedding, she almost stopped having sex with me. Oh, wow, dude. At this point, 10 years later, it's limited to about once or twice a year. She's also basically let herself go. She was about one hundred thirty five pounds. When we were married, but she's probably over 200 now. For some, that might not be a ton, but she's only five to.

[01:02:57]

After about a year of this marriage disaster, I wanted to let her go, but her dad came over to attempt to work out our differences. I decided to give it another chance. And then you got pregnant, right? I decided to give it another chance. Within a few weeks after this conversation, she got pregnant. And I was obviously not happy about it. Yeah, I wonder how that happened. She probably pulled the goalie on you there.

[01:03:20]

She promised once she became a stay at home mom that behavior would be different.

[01:03:26]

She she'd start to clean or cook more, go to the gym. But of course, none of that ever happened. Having a discussion about her lack of effort never goes well. She'll sleep till nine and just watch YouTube most of the day. Wow, dude. It's laziness even occurs after six p.m. and puts me in the spot where I must take care of our boy or nobody else will. I walk him to school every morning and put him to bed and read to him almost every night.

[01:03:52]

The effort she puts in to raise our boy is atrocious. Too, this is depressing. On top of all this, she has lied to me about her clothing purchases for years. She's also started a business using my Social Security number without any discussion.

[01:04:09]

She has proceeded to charge cards to about over one hundred thousand dollars, despite my attempts to stop it.

[01:04:15]

Well, dude, you're not you're not trying hard enough. What is she holding you down, punching you in the face, taking the cards, take the fucking cards away from her.

[01:04:23]

She has said that she wants a divorce. But I have asked for us to work it out, every argument, she pushes it again, I'm starting to think it's the right move, but I'm terrified for my little boy and his needs. I know she won't take care of him as needed. Courts usually side with the woman. I'm also scared the courts will make me pay her business credit card balances on top of child support. See, ladies, listen to this fucking guy's story.

[01:04:54]

She's truly the worst wife that ever existed, but says I'm only I only point out her worst traits, honestly, is they're a good trait. I struggle to find any her cooking, too little evidence to conclude hoping for a decent response from a responsible cocksucker like you.

[01:05:15]

Wow, to. If she was like half a decent mother, I would just say, I mean, everything points out. You just got to walk away from this person. You got to walk away if the kid wasn't involved, you walk away and who gives a fuck if they put the hundred grand on you, OK, if you stayed with it would become 200 grant.

[01:05:36]

All right, so now I got to do is if you're going to stay or if you're going to leave. All right, if you're going to stay, you got to take her credit cards away from her. That's it. All right, you have to start having ultimatums. All right, and she has to get her fucking shit together. This is it. Do you need ultimatums here? I'm taking away the credit cards and you have to get your shit together.

[01:06:03]

Or this isn't going to work out. And that's fucking it. That's it, because you are literally a prisoner in this fuckin relationship. Granted, this is just your side of it, but this is pretty vivid. So I might talk to a lawyer before you have this conversation and just see if there's a way to prove that she's as bad as you're saying, that you would get custody. Because reality of what you have going on here do this is a divorce, what you want, you want to go for full custody.

[01:06:44]

And if that's what you're leaning towards, I would go to a lawyer first without her knowing and find out what evidence you need to prove that you should at least get 50 percent of being with your kid.

[01:06:54]

Because here's the thing, too. You don't want your kid, not your kid. Still loves her mom unconditionally. So. You sound like a great dad, you sound like your you know, your. Out there, you're earning money, you're not doing anything wrong, you're putting up with a ridiculous level of childish fucking behavior. It sounds like you've sat down and try to talk to her, it hasn't fucking worked. You know, I thought I would get out of this, I get out of this because she knows what's going to happen is she's going to end up having 300 grand in fucking credit card debt and then she's going to put that on you.

[01:07:37]

And then try to get custody and all of this shit. I don't know, or maybe try to give her one more chance, but I would talk to a lawyer first, find out what your fucking options are so you can play. This is perfectly as you can't. I'm hoping in the in the future, court systems will realize that the guy is not always the person that's wrong in a relationship and it isn't always best for the kid to be with the mother.

[01:08:08]

I understand why that is. You know, watching my daughter, how she reacted to having a baby brother and just their instincts is fucking incredible, but like that doesn't mean that that's not selfish. Sociopaths are fucking pieces of shit that happen to have vaginas out there.

[01:08:26]

All right. So that's what I would do, sir, I would go talk to a lawyer and find out what my fucking options are. And. You know, the other option is you just hang in there to your son's 18 and then you just fucking pull the ripcord and get the fuck out, but by then, dude, by then, how much money and credit card debt has she racked up? You know, then there's a Diabolik side where you just you encourage her to keep eating and you hope she drops of a fucking heart attack.

[01:08:56]

There's a lot of options here, none of them friendly. All right. Girlfriend finds another man attractive, finds other men attractive. All right, Bill, I'm 23 year old from New Hampshire and have recently met a new woman we've been dating for a few months now and she is damn near perfect. One of the only things she does that bothers me is she will often talk about how attractive she finds certain male celebrities. I'll give me a break.

[01:09:20]

Those aren't real people. She will even post things about these certain celebrities on her Instagram story from time to time, basically boasting about how hot she thinks they are. My question is, do I have the right to tell her to stop? I have no problem with her finding other people attractive. Everyone everyone does. But when she boasts publicly about them, it makes me feel like shit and a bit insecure.

[01:09:44]

I mean, come on, man. I mean the fuck we mean. Brad Pitt is Brad Pitt, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Gosling. I mean, they're going to find him attractive. They're never going to run into him. You know, and if she wants to do that, she gives a shit and I personally wouldn't bother me, he goes, am I being a pussy? Are my feelings here valid? Your feelings are always valid.

[01:10:05]

What you have to wonder is where they're coming from. Anyway, so he goes, I've told her it bothers me before, but I'm not trying to be controlling of her. So she still does it from time to time, I would not do this, and I find it disrespectful. Well, it seems like she she lowered it just from time to time, she does it anyway. Sure, there are other people out there and she can find some find some attractive.

[01:10:34]

But when she flaunts her feelings about them to the world, it makes me wonder why I am pouring my heart out to this girl if she's going to give attention to other men, even if they are unattainable. Thanks. And stay safe, kid.

[01:10:49]

Well, this is what I would do. Why don't you post if you want to be a vindictive V for Vendetta vindictive lunatic, you should post and say how hot you find Sally sugar tits, whatever.

[01:11:02]

Whoever the fuck is the hot chick, I'm too old to know anymore. Yeah, why don't you, Margot, Robbie, once upon a time in Hollywood, why don't you fucking post some pictures of her with your dirty feet up on that movie seat?

[01:11:18]

But that's a dangerous game to play, that's a dangerous game to play. I think. That, you know, it's just. She's just into the shit the way you might be into sports, that's all. Were you would post a picture of some fucking linebacker going, this guy's an absolute beast, they're like, oh my God, this guy is a fucking dreamboat. I mean, I really wouldn't, you know, if she suggested that you move to Hollywood.

[01:11:45]

If you were in Hollywood, she's still not going to meet these fucking people, so, I mean, I of all the things you could be upset about, I would let that. I would let that one go. I would let it go. Personally, I would. All right, top, but having said that, if it was the other way around and you were posting about one of these stars out here. Women, you know, I think that she would have if she had a fucking problem about you, without a doubt, would have to fucking stop.

[01:12:17]

I mean, and that that is the male female dynamic in a nutshell. Is basically they can kind of do whatever the fuck they want because the narrative out there is if you say that they should stop doing something because it hurts your feelings that you're being control, I mean, you even said I'm not trying to be controlling. Am I just a pussy? Right. Because you actually she's doing something that bothers you the other way around is you need to validate her feelings.

[01:12:43]

And it's you know, it's you know, the reason why women always talk about that horse stud double standard is because if they if they looked at all the other double standards, those are all wins for them. All right, top five dumb questions, gay guy, a ride, finally.

[01:13:03]

Here we go. Yeah, if somebody's different right now. OK, dear Billy Pale Ale. Oh, what I do for a pale ale right now.

[01:13:10]

Oh, let me tell you, I've actually had dreams lately that I had a drink.

[01:13:14]

I hope that you and your lovely wife and your little ones are healthy and happy. Thank you. Your podcast never ceased to make me laugh and distract me from the bullshit my world. Thank you very much for that. Also, the great Andrew Themeless always crushes it with the music. So big shout out to him as well. Look at this. All right. I'm a twenty nine year old gay guy living in Canada. That detail will become important shortly.

[01:13:43]

Or is it too cold up there to wear more revealing outfits? Sorry was a layup, this list is a spin off of your dumb questions for people who work with the public segment. These are my top five dumb questions people have asked me when they find out that I'm gay. All right. This should be great. In my experience, these questions are almost always asked of gay guys at some point in their life. OK, oh, you're gay, do you know, my friend, insert gay guy's name a no.

[01:14:17]

Despite what you may have heard, we don't all know each other unless we're both from the same small town, in which case I probably do know your gay friend. And I might also know some of your friends whom you think are straight. Oh, that's great.

[01:14:32]

So which one of you two is the girl in the relationship? People say that I get annoyed by this one. I know exactly what they're asking. It's just a rude way of saying it. Being the sarcastic smartass I am, I respond with we're both guys and we're gay. Having a girl in the relationship would defeat the point. But to plow ahead and answer their real question, who fucks who? It depends. Some guys prefer to be the top the one fucking others prefer to be the bottom, the one being fucked, and others like to switch it up.

[01:15:10]

We call them versatile. Verse four, short pronounce. Verse as in as in a song some guys prefer to do, mostly top or mostly bottom, but are still sexually flexible, we call those guys verse tops and verse bottoms, respectively. It's also it's all about preference in what feels good. Also, you should entitle yourself. You should title your next special. Sexually flexible. Why are you gay for the reasons you're not? I was born this way.

[01:15:52]

I'm not homophobic, but I just don't like when gay guys stare or check me out. Not a question I know, but why does it bother you if someone finds you attractive? Well, in defense of that guy, it all depends how they're looking at you.

[01:16:08]

You know what I mean? If someone's leering, somebody's just taking a glance over it, you've got to take the compliment like, all right, look at me, I got to peel off both sides of the fence is right.

[01:16:19]

Side of the fence, not the fences, both sides of the fence, right, but if someone's, like, staring at you to the level, it's like, do I get to, like, fight this dude? You know, who is this guy going to come fucking at me? Here he goes. I don't get uncomfortable when a lady checks me out. Well, she also can't fucking fuck you in the ass either, right? I mean, there is there is like a different thing here.

[01:16:42]

Right, a little bit. I'm just saying I'm saying like if a gay guys looking at me, checking me out, that does not make me uncomfortable. If he's a fucking creep and he's bigger than me. Yes, that makes me uncomfortable. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

[01:16:57]

Yeah. If I look over at some guy and be like, if he wanted to, there's nothing I could do about it. Yeah. That's going to make me uncomfortable. Take it as a compliment. If you're straight, then I know you're not interested, so I wouldn't try anything. Yeah, that's because you're a fucking good person. As an aside, let me just say that remarks prefaced with dude, I'm not homophobic but are always followed by homophobia in the same way that statements with dude, I'm not a racist but always preface racism.

[01:17:23]

Yeah, that's pretty accurate.

[01:17:25]

When do you when did you know you were gay? He said, answer, when did you know you were straight, about the same time you realized your dick was getting hard for checks, mine was getting hard for the fellas. The difference is I had to pretend I was straight because it felt like what that's what the world around me expected. And that's what's fucking wrong.

[01:17:47]

That's so it's so fucking stupid that in twenty, twenty, twenty one now you just can't like what you like. Bonus. Oh, my God, you're gay. Will you be my gay best friend? I fucking hate people like that. Who collect gay people is like Pets'. And they call them my gays, the worst answer, honestly, I usually laugh at this one, it's pretty harmless generalization indicates that the person is totally OK with me being gay.

[01:18:20]

Well, aren't they also using your gayness to, like, enhance like look at me and how open I am? And they use you as like an accessory anyway. As long as they don't go around introducing me as their gay friend like I'm some token in their entourage. Well, there's your answer. It's all good. There's a whole lot more to me than just being gay. I hope this list made you chuckle at least a little bit. I wish you a happy new year with a lot more laughter and a lot less covid.

[01:18:47]

Have a great day and go fuck yourself.

[01:18:49]

Please come up to Canada and do a show when you're able to tour again. My friends and I are dying to see you on stage, eh? There's nothing I'd like to do more. You know, I just can't tour Canada this time of year because.

[01:19:04]

They could be outdoor shows. Although I should do it, if you fucking guys can stand outside Maple Leaf Gardens, you can stand out there and watch a comedian.

[01:19:15]

All right, armored guard.

[01:19:18]

I want to throw that out there. Can I do a show outside of Maple Leaf Gardens where you guys stood there and watch the plant playoffs? Armored Guard. Dear Mr. Birx, I'm a supervisor for an armored truck company and I'm mostly involved with ATM work. Here are the five dumbest question statements I encounter from the public. All right. I would ask, have you ever taken any money? I hear these jokes all the time. Got any free samples or.

[01:19:45]

Oh, just put that in my Honda over there.

[01:19:48]

Hardy har fucking har. Oh, every time you walk in with the money bag, don't get me wrong, I'm glad people are being positive around me instead of coming at me with a rusty. What the fuck is that word? Oh, Rusty, chlamydia covered knife, very specific, but the most, but the job is very stressful, stressful and those stupid joke over. And those same stupid jokes over and over and over again drive me nuts and drive me into wanting white people on the news.

[01:20:22]

Did you forget some words and those stupid joke over and over again drive me into wanting to go white people on the news level crazy. OK, sorry, I read it wrong. OK, working around all that money, do you ever get tempted?

[01:20:34]

Do you think all that money is counted? I'm not risking years in jail, getting my slight love handles squeezed, stealing less money than it would ever be worth to go on the run with.

[01:20:50]

There's another one. So what would you do if I tried taking that from you right now? I personally don't give a shit about the insured money. But don't fucking ask a guy with a vest and a gun a dumb question to make him paranoid. I literally read news stories every couple of weeks about someone in the industry getting shot in the face. Also, this job is stressful as hell. Don't try to rob us because I might want to take the stress out, tossing you around like a rag doll.

[01:21:21]

Hey, can you stop for a minute so I can use that ATM? The damn thing is open. I've pulled the shit out and be bop, bop, bop, beat some fucking numbers already. How do you not have enough common sense to realize it's down and I need to finish before it's usable? Jesus Christ, my personal favorite. Are you serious right now? I'm busy and can't wait, you could have done this shit at a better time.

[01:21:51]

Hey, you dumb, ignorant, fuck that. There's a new one, this isn't the only thing I have today. I have a whole route and I work on average 10 to 12 hours a day. You can either wait like ten minutes or learn some time management skills to not run this behind. Someone once was actually getting so mad they couldn't use the ATM. They actually yelled, get a fucking job at me. I got worried for a second and called my boss to verify I indeed was doing this in a uniform as a job because I sure as shit wouldn't do this for free.

[01:22:26]

Jesus Christ, who the fuck, why would you say that to some fucking guy, bulletproof vest and a gun? What would you do if I fucking just took this?

[01:22:36]

If I tried to grab that? I blow your fucking brains out, you dumb fuck. All right. So that's the pocket. This one was really all over the place. Thank you.

[01:22:45]

Everybody's been writing in over the years. Happy New Year, everybody. Help! This vaccine works. I hope you take it. If it works, I hope.

[01:22:53]

I think we should all watch V for Vendetta, though. We can try to figure some shit out. That said, go fuck yourselves. I will talk to you.

[01:22:59]

I'll check in on you on Thursday there.