Happy Scribe Logo


Proofread by 0 readers

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Bird, it's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday, August 10th, 2020. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Jesus.


Get in the pool, man. Jump in the water somewhere. This summer's almost gone. How the fuck is it already? August 10th? So fucking crazy, we've all been on summer vacation. Other than stressing out since, like March, I can't believe this fuckin year is flying by.


It is flying by.


And ladies and gentlemen, it's that professional sports are back with a vengeance. This is the first day that I can remember it's Sunday, by the way, Sunday afternoon, my lovely daughter is taking a nap right now, my wonderful son.


I think I'm on the Wheel of Fortune because you always have to describe your family members or your wife with the adjectives. They like that where you got to be like, who's here with you?


I got my smokin hot wife. Gabriela, I got my drinking buddy Sammy out there, I got mad tinted Freddy, you know, you got to do that.


So I'm going to go Wheel of Fortune here. My beautiful daughter is sleeping in, my wonderful son is also sleeping so I can sneak out here and and knock out a podcast here for y'all anyway.


Jesus Christ, we're only halfway through the day. It is twelve, thirty nine Pacific Coast Time here on a Sunday. And there's all kinds of hockey left to be played.


How about. Oh, I don't want to say I don't want to jinx them, but I got to say, how about the fucking Toronto Maple Leafs?


They blow a three nothing fuckin lead. I watched that game, I watched them slowly, just just do what they do to their fucking fans all the time. What do you think we're going to win this game now it's time to take out the fucking. Take out the fucking Iron Maiden, slowly close it on a goddamn fan base, whatever the hell it is they did, and I just sat there absolutely disgusted. Watching them blow that fuckin lead and then the very next game, right, I turn it on a little bit late, Tortorella has got to fucking Columbus Blue Jackets.


He's doing a hell of a job over there.


I'm loving the new, sometimes happy Torelli Zadeh say his fucking name. I like that guy. He's an angry fucking lunatic. I relate and he's trying not to be.


It reminds me, Dick Vermeil, when he had the Eagles in 1980 against the Raiders, he he overprepare them. He burned them out before the Super Bowl. But the man learned and he came back in 1999 after leaving NFL coaching for a while, the man came back.


He cried after every game. He made it OK as a man to get all choked up.


And he he he had his he didn't have the foot all the way down the whole year. And God damn it, they want that one of the last play against the Tennessee Titans and.


And the late, great Steve McNair. So I think that that's to make sure I'm saying his name right now. Columbia, South Tortorella, sorry. Sorry, my my apologies as a German Irishman apology to all Italian Americans, Tortorella, I'm loving what he's doing out there. OK, so. Tortorella has got his team comes in, then they go up, Columbus Blue Jackets go up three to nothing. The very next game and I was just like, it was five minutes left and all freckles, all freckles stay there to the end.


What does he do? He shuts off the fucking TV, disgusted, goes downstairs, you know, happy for Columbus, but disgusted that, you know, I just you know, I like I like the Maple Leafs. Right. So I go downstairs, I have dinner, OK? I eat fast. I come back ten, fifteen fucking minutes later, whatever the hell it was, 20 minutes later, I still have the NHL channel on and I'm sitting there.


I watched for three minutes before I realized this wasn't the wrap up of the game and saying what do they need to do? Is my buddy says Toronto's too top heavy. They got they have all these goalscorers. They lose a lot of games, six to five. They don't have any money to get a fucking defenseman. And he's also saying the Bruins aren't going to be able to afford Torey Krug and I said, is he going to end up in Toronto?


And he said they can't afford him. I don't know. So I'm sitting there thinking that this is going to be the end in, there's going to be another fucking head coach. In Toronto, selling his fucking house, put in his condo, up on the market, whatever the hell it is, and they're talking intermission. I was sitting there for three or four minutes and then I finally down and it was three to three. And I was like, what the fuck just happened?


What the fuck just happened? Well, evidently they pulled the goalie. In scored three goals, three unanswered goals they scored. And I got to think that the great Patrick WA was sitting somewhere going was like, I can call it. Did I call it.


You should have taken him out with nine minutes left, you went to one fucking six to three anyway. So my beloved Boston Bruins lost again today. We went all three. We lost to the number one seed look out there in Philly. We lost to the number one seeded flyers. They want the number one seed. When we lost to him, they were just the fucking flyers. Now that the number one seed in the east, we lost to them.


Then we lost to Tampa and now we lost to who the fuck do we lose that we lost to?


Washington, the Capitals, who just they just fucking own us. I can't remember the last time we beat that team, I love that dude fucking Wilson, by the way, a lot of people think he's dirty. I don't think he's dirty. I think he's a complete player. All right. I think he's a complete player in the people that criticize him are a little too sensitive.


All right. I love Milan Lucic. I love them with the Bruins. But am I going to sit there and act like he didn't stab a few guys in the balls with the stick? The man did it. OK, was he a dirty player? No, is he a clean player? He's well rounded. This is what you have to understand if you take your stick and you fucking stab somebody in the fucking tent with it, as much as people are going to say, you shouldn't do that shit, people out there like, you know, this motherfucker stands people.


And that's going to give you some space on the ice. It's going to give you top players space on the ice. And this is what that man is supposed to be doing.


I'm loving Lucy Chavan having a fun time.


He looks like he's having the best time ever out there in Calgary. Calgary one, the hated Habs, the blue blanket. Those Canadians look out for them, a 12 seed fuck and beat the Pittsburgh Penguins, the dirty birds out there in fucking western Pennsylvania. Hey, we can cross check you into the boards, but don't do it to us. But if you do it, wearing our uniform will put you in the ring of honor. Pittsburgh Penguins lose.


To the Montreal Canadiens and and speaking of Patrick, we have to talk about the curse of Lord Patrick. OK, when those silly sock wearing pocket square have an. Racist French fans fuckin booed that guy out of that, the greatest goaltender since fucking kendry, they booed that guy out of the fucking city. He goes to Colorado, Colorado was in a fucking hockey city. Denver, Colorado, they like the Broncos IPA and growing weed, that's what they did out there.


You know, and listening to John Denver, Rocky Mountain High, Colorado, do you think now is John Denver, was he from Colorado or did he just write that last song because his stage name was Denver or was it his real name? We got to look at? We got to look up. We got to love John Denver. OK, I'm going to say Tortorella correctly, John Denver. All right, no, he was Henry John. Deutschendorf, why he had to change that to keep it going for O'Henry don't jeda nonprofessionals, John Denver was an American singer songwriter record that.


Let's see where, where, where oh.


Where did he fuck he was from Roswell, New Mexico. Well, being from the East Coast, that's close enough. OK, he jumps on. What is that? The twenty five. Is that what it is. Do you take it north. Thirty five know runs through right through fucking Waco, Texas, all the way up to Minnesota, if I remember correctly from my Rodong and Daesh.


He was from Ross, grew up in Roswell, New Mexico. All right. Changes to Denver and then Rocky Mountain High, Colorado, I mean, there's that's right there is called Building Your Brand. Rest in peace, John Denver. Way to go. All right. Now, what else what other surprises were there in the NHL?


The Chicago Blackhawks winners of three Stanley Cup championships over the last decade. Everyone thought they got a little too old. What the fuck happened and what happens? They came out and they beat one of my favorite teams in the West, the loaded.


Edmonton Oilers, I was really looking forward to watching them throughout the playoffs. They were sort of my team in the West. I still love the Blackhawks. I love Chicago.


I you know, I got to be honest with you, I'm really a fucking, you know, an equal opportunity fan here. I'm enjoying fucking Phil Kessel. Down in fuckin Arizona, I'd like to see them do something I don't give a fuck, all right. This is my only thing. I don't even hate the flyers. I mean, I don't know Philly fans. I'm kind of on the fence with. You know, I respect their passion, but I feel like they've become a parody of themselves with the bad behavior, which reminded me of like Bobby Knight, the great Bobby Knight towards the end of his career.


I felt like he was throwing chairs because he people were like, I came here to see you throw a chair, you know? And I feel like Philly fans, they're like, all right, nobody's done anything in a while. All right. I'll stick my fingers down my throat and puke on a kid. I kept it going. He spends talking about us again. I got the Santa Claus story going again. I just don't know if I buy it anymore.


I'm not saying that they're not lunatics. They're not animals, that they won't do that shit. I'm kind of questioning the motivation now.


I feel like their fan behavior was wear like hair metal ended up in the early 90s where it's like, well, what do we do now? I've mimed in this video I've mimed licking a pussy. I lick my guitar, I've pelvic pumps, I'm wearing more makeup than fucking nine drag queens. Where do I go from here?


I really feel like Philly fans have painted themselves into a corner where they're going to have to they're going to have to start attacking each other.


Having said that, it is exciting to see the flyers be the number one seed and actually think, what if the Flyers won the cup? How fucking crazy that city would go. That would be awesome to see.


That's it, the only team I really root against is just the Canadians, just because, like I'm supposed to believe in them, they've been like such a nonfactor for so goddamn long with the curse of Patrick.


Twenty seven years strong, they got to get that monkey off their back so we should see what happens.


And reason why I like to root for Toronto, because I know Canadian fans hate the Maple Leaf. Still, I don't know why, but they used to be like the Celtics and Lakers going back and forth with winning championships, Stanley Cups. And as mentioned before, the Toronto Maple Leafs have not won since Joe Namath was playing for the Jets. They've won since 1967. So the amazing thing is, is that they are still the closest team to the Montreal Canadiens as far as like Stanley Cup victories.


Let's look that at most. Come on. Come on. You could do it most, Stanley.


Victory is victory, victory, bup, bup, bup, up, up, up, up victories, all right, the Canadians have 24. You know, they count those ones where they beat the fuck in the I don't know. The Montreal Maroons, but why not? Why the fuck not, right? The Celtics count all of theirs. So I can't can't bitch too much about that. God bless them. God bless them. In their 24 fucking Stanley Cups.




The Maple Leafs stop that lucky 13. So. If they were to win one, they would be no. They'd still be number to 14. They'd they'd only be 10 behind which, you know, back in a six.


Team league, I don't even think was still in striking distance, it's. You know, no one's ever going to catch them. Not in my lifetime. There's no fucking way. I mean, if Montreal keeps doing what they do and then you got to you got to have Toronto somehow going to win fucking 11 cups. And I'm 52 years old, I in a 30 team league. I think I'm going to accept that I'm going to accept the fact that I'm going to be on my deathbed in the Montreal Canadiens will still have the most.


But you never know. You never know. I always have to think positive. All right. Who's number three? You know, it is. It's the Detroit Red Wings with 11. And then surprisingly, at number four, there's a two way tie with the Boston Bruins and the Chicago Blackhawks emittance got five, Pittsburgh has five. The islanders won four in a row early.


They peaked the quarterback of the team banging the head cheerleader. Graduated, didn't go to college, got fat, kept wearing a fucking varsity jacket, you can't button it anymore. What is going on with the islanders? New York Rangers have four, New Jersey Devils have three. There's a lot of big names here.


I mean, look at this shit, the Montreal Canadiens, the the Maple Leafs and the Red Wings have won 37 48. They've almost one half. There's about 100 Stanley Cups at this point, I don't fucking know, there's a bunch of people with two and all of that shit expand the statistic.


Well, I guess having six Stanley Cups is a pretty big deal. It's kind of funny, though, when you look at this, one, two, three, four, five. Wait a minute. One, two, three, four, five, fucking rangers' below it. I was going to top the top five. Teams with the most Stanley Cup, Sarrell original six teams. And. You have to respect the Red Wings, the Maple Leafs and the Canadians, but the Bruins and the Blackhawks with only six and then the Rangers, I mean, Jesus Christ, the Rangers with fucking four.


You only had to beat five other teams and all they could get was fucking for granted, the the and police were taken, most of them. But still, I do think it's incredible that. Let me have a question for you, at what point does it become a curse, OK, because the fuckin. New York Rangers, I remember my whole life growing up, they were chanting 1940 throughout the 80s, and they weren't the only that was only, you know, 40 something years.


And then they ended the curse in 94. So that was 54 years. It took them to win a cup and they were like, the curse is over. I can die now. The fucking Maple Leafs are not considered curse for whatever reason. And they have a healthy 53, three years. I mean, next year they got to win it next year.


Or else. Their drought is longer than the fucking rangers, see, this is the deal is much of a cunt as a Montreal Canadian fan can be. They they still there too nice up there, at least to white people, and they don't chant the year. That's an East Coast thing. I think that started with Islander fans, probably because that they won four in a row. And I bet Ranger fans probably shit on them that New York Rangers were the only fucking game in town.


And then all of a sudden they came out of nowhere and they won four fucking in a row, caught up to the fucking and passed the Rangers. Isn't that something the Rangers only won three when there was six teams?


Fucking doormats, but they also had a problem, too, because no one respected the game here. I said here, like, I still live in New York, the game in New York.


And I know that they had these in the United States. It wasn't respected and that the Rangers had issues with the fucking circus would come to town. I remember reading this it come to MSG during the fucking playoffs. So they would have to pay a lot of times, go play it and like Maple Leaf Gardens or something, they'd have to play a home game on the road, so.


Yeah, so I can't I can't jump on them. Listen, I'm not here to shit on fucking people, all right? I'm here to be excited that there's that there's this playoff hockey coming.


And I'm already used to not having crowds there. All right. I don't need people banging on the glass every time it goes into the fucking corner. I've never understood people doing that shit, you know, when you go to the zoo.


Is that what you do? You fucking bang on the thing to get the lion going. I mean, you know, you know, the thing could fucking kill. You have a little respect for the people playing on the ice. Right?


I'll tell you, in a perfect world, that would just be a fucking screen, like on somebody's back door. And when you did it, Cheech would go in there and he'd fucking give you a little fucking wake up call, by the way, who had had a fight the other night. And I'm still always going to love that guy. He was fighting some guy in Winnipeg. That's who Calgary beat and another one of my favorite teams, I love Winnipeg and.


You know, the other guy was giving away like 20, 25 pounds to Luksik, and he was beyond the gentleman. You know, he ragdoll a little bit, game a couple of fuckin hits, and when the one the guy went down to the ice, he didn't do anything. And I believe when I heard when the guy got up, he said thank you to him.


It's a class act. You know. It's a classy fuckin move, it's the kind of thing that gets kicked you kicked out of the ring of honor in the Pittsburgh Penguins franchise. Sorry, whatever.


Let's I'm just trying to stir it up here, trying to get excited about quarantine. Stanley Cup playoffs in fucking August.


We got a round robin. All right. Did anybody watch the Moto GP if I converted you to motorcycle racing?


Congratulations to Brad Binder, I hope I said his name is not Binder, is it Brad Binder, Brad Binder and Katie. Getting the big win win in the Czech Republic, Franco morbidly came in second, Johan Zarco, Johan Zarco over the fuck you say came in third was a great race. I didn't think it was funny.


It was just like a new star is born with Brad Pitt.


It's like, easy, easy. Mark Marquez isn't out there. All right, Mark Marquez isn't out. This is like when Jordan was playing baseball, let's fuckin relax here. Fabio Quatro Roro, unfortunately, his Yamaha had grippe problems all weekend on with the rear wheel.


So that just sucked, you know, I mean, you didn't get to see the guy playing at his plane, riding his top fucking level. So but it was a great race nonetheless. Definitely missing. Mark, Mark is coming out, you know, being out there on the track, I mean. And let me see, when's he going to be Marc Marquez? Schedule return. What do we got here? When's he coming back? Mark is recovering from successful surgery and remain in the hospital for up to 48 hours.


Already saw that Mark is cleared to return from the fracture July 23. We already know what happened there.


Despite his injury clearance, Mark won't race injured. Mark, Mark valuating.


Five days ago, Marc Marquez out of Czech Republic, so he sort of raced to race after heroic return just four days after surgery, Marc Marquez will miss the how do you speak French?


No, I mean, that's some East European thing. No vowel Bernau race with.


Stephan Brady Brattle joining the team, I'm butchering people's names. All right, so I guess he's race to race here. So that's a big deal.


Fabio Quatro and that that that rear tire. Fucking him over on this race could come back, could. That's how good Mark Marquez says he could actually come back and at least make it exciting towards the end. And I'm betting, you know, provided.


The Yamaha team figures out what the fuck was wrong with this bike, and he continues to be able to ride something that's up to his level of talent. Yeah. All right.


And with that, I got to tell you, man, I've been playing fucking drums and shit. And this new thing where I fucking stretch for, like, 15, 20 minutes before I play, I totally fucking relax. I have my little warm ups that I do. I sit down, I have fun, and then I try to do that. That sticks. No triplet thing that I've been trying to figure out has changed my fucking life as far as my practice, I should say, and.


Just knowing. Just going in and just not having like yesterday, I played it this, now I need to play it at least at that, if not faster, just letting go of all of that and just being like, how do I feel today?


And it's not really feeling it right now. I play a couple of songs when I come back to it and really just starting slow and working my way up, something I have heard for fucking 20 goddamn years, something Dave like has been telling me forever.


I'm finally applying it. And like, I don't know, like all of a sudden now, the other night, like two nights in a row, back to back cruising at 80 BPM, and I'm playing it at 85 pretty comfortably and actually went up to 90. The other the songs at 95, I'm literally in striking distance.


And at 90 I could play the lick three times in a row like he does at the beginning of the song. And then just for the fun of it. Let me try to play along the song just to see where I am with the rest of the song. It was still a little bit too fast for me, but it didn't feel like mind blowing fast. So today I'm going to play and I'm going to start at 60 BPM, get myself up to 80 and then for 80, just fucking played the song for like five, 10 minutes, whatever, 10 minutes long time, but like five minutes and just have fun and then bump it up to 82, 83 and then ended 85 and just get it to the point where 85 is as comfortable as 80 before I even think about 86, forget about 90 and.


I just think the way I'm scatterbrained, a fucking moron, I literally went through like, you know. Like the history of what my brain is like, how they used to describe it when I was a kid, it was you're a moron.


And then it becomes a little you know, he's a little scatterbrained and then it became and they just keep whittling it down of, you know, we know the deal.


So I just have to understand that I am a scatterbrained lunatic, so.


I just try to. Acknowledge that I try not to fight it. And I just try to just be aware that this is what I do when this gets in my way, so make an effort to that when you are practicing to be as focused as long as you can and when that fucking. Shit starts coming up. I want to do this, I want to do this, just go play a couple of songs and then come back to what you were working on, have like your scatterbrained shit while you're playing songs and fucking around.


But when you're working on the thing, you know, be it for a minute or fuckin 10 quality minutes, just make sure you're just hyper focused on doing your thing. So I don't know. I'm beyond excited.


About that, and now I'm applying what I'm learning with this thing to everything else that I want to practice, but I have to also be trying not to now also be. Oh, this is what? Good times, bad times. Let me try this with fucking that that that Vinnie Paul thing and the Alex Van Halen thing and 50000 other fucking things, I don't want to do that either.


So I get to make sure I just work on this thing if I can get anything out of covid.


If I can learn this skill, that will bring at will, put absolutely no food on the fucking table. Anyway, let me see if I got the reads here for the week, for the week, so my prediction.


OK. Because Turano. And the Blue Jackets have not played yet. I have no. You know what? I mean, I'm I'm not going to say is I'm rooting. I'm rooting for Tirado. But I will tell you, nobody can be dumb enough with what they've done to their fan base to ever put money on that fucking team. It's almost like nobody wants to win that fucking series, sorry, I'm typing on my fucking password. I'm trying to look at my goddamn email here.


And what do they do? Just verifying that it's you or somebody trying to break into my account to steal my junk mail. OK, OK, I don't want. OK, but you can't confirm, all right, beautiful. I don't want to give you my phone number. I love their idea that. I should give you my phone number, like this is some sort of safe fucking thing to do where you're obviously concerned that somebody is breaking into my fucking account, I give you my phone number, then, you know, then what the fuck am I supposed to do?


All right, here we go. I got some I got some reads here. Well, here the Reeds, do I have any advertising out Jesus Christ? I swear to God, I don't have to start walking the block. I got no stand up gigs, the fucking. The god damn, I don't have any fucking advertising, and it's just for what? Nobody's making any money and nobody can buy anything. Oh, there they go. There they are.


I got some reads. They just came in hot off the press, smell the ink.


I got one read, one read or another. I'm going to read it. And by some government cheese policy genius, everybody. Policy genius saves their home and auto customers an average of one thousand one hundred twenty seven dollars a year. Now, that sounds like an honest number, right? They said 11 hundred bucks. You give me like, all right, they might be fudging it, but now. This is how accurate they are at Policy Genius one thousand one hundred twenty seven dollars a year.


By shopping top rated insurers in one place, do you realize if you live to be one thousand one hundred twenty seven years old, you would have outlived Jim Morrison by a thousand one hundred years? If you think that's fascinating, listen to the rest of this, if you're thinking one thousand one hundred twenty seven dollars is a weirdly specific amount, you're right. But they crunched the numbers and that's just what it is. In fact, crunching numbers is one of the things policy genius does best.


Look at that they were addressing how accurate that number was. And I fucking like a comedian. I fuckin I tried to top this story before they could even tell it. My apologies to everybody. A policy genius.


It's a bit of an arrogant name. OK, I can't tell you that. All right. I don't call myself Billy, know it all. But I mean, I think things like that I would never say it because I have a need to be liked. All right.


There, insurance marketplace makes it easy, easy, easy to to compare rates from the top home and auto insurance companies to find you the best price. Here's how it works. All you got to do is head the policy genius dot com and answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property after that policy genius does all the work, put your feet up, enjoy a cigar.


They'll compare your existing policy against the others in the market to make sure you're getting the right coverage at the best possible price.


If policy genius finds a better rate than what you're currently paying, they'll get you switched for free. That's that's that kind of service has earned policy genius of five star rating across over six hundred reviews on trust pilot and Google.


I mean, I don't know why you wouldn't do this, especially now. So if you're a homeowner had to policy genius dotcom right now to get started. They saved their home and auto insurance customers an average of what, one thousand one hundred twenty seven dollars a year?


All right, who knows what weirdly specific amount they could save you and you'll never know unless you go to policy genius Dotcom.


All right. Is there is there a way for them to fucking understand that I sent them their. OK, I don't get all David Foster here, but I thought my name was supposed to be in the copy. I had a bad run in with wildlife. I got to talk to you about I came out to my garage and I opened the door and there was a little gecko sitting in there. Right. Speaking of insurance, very little fuckin lizard, whatever you call these things.


And I'm looking at this thing and it's just fucking laying there. I'm like, all right, I know the deal. It's sitting there right now going, all right, if it stay totally still, maybe this giant thing won't eat me. So I nonchalantly lay down a bunch of things so this thing can't scurry further into my garage. And. I made a lot of dumb moves in my life, but like underestimating the scurrying ability of a little lizard is right at the top of the list because I thought I had this fucker boxed in the second I reached down to grab it by its tail and just sort of take it outside.


This motherfucker just like started scurrying, right, and I was going, you motherfucker, I was trying to catch it. And then I finally cornered the thing and I was trying to be fuckin nice. And but it wouldn't let me you know, I was trying to ease it out the door, so I finally had to take off my rubber flip flop and I flipped them out the door pretty fast and then he just fucking laid there.


And I was like, oh, shit, that I heard him and one of his arms was kind of like underneath his body. And so I went up and I touched him and he barely moved, and then I was just like, oh, oh, this thing's dying. That's why it came in. To my garage, I think, because it just wanted to die. Because it wasn't cut from the flip, because I flipped them out before with my fuckin flip flop.


And at least I hope it wasn't that, but he already wasn't moving because I thought he was like asleep because I touched him and he didn't fuckin move. I think he's, like, trying to die with dignity and I fucked it up. So anyway. I did what I did in here, I came out and was still lying there, I'm like, fuck, now he's going to lay here and get eaten by a fucking snake. You know, I'm not supposed to interfere with nature, I kind of just did whatever.


So anyway, so I went into the house and I came back and the motherfucker was back inside my garage again. And you know what I just said, all right, you can die in here. I get it. All right. He's just looking at me and I'm looking at him and I'm like, OK, you went. I don't want, you know, who wants to get fucking eaten alive, you know, so there you go.


I'm sure I'll get some shit from the fucking the lizard left. Anyway, plowing ahead here, let's do some of the some of the reads here. Yeah, I really fucking. When it comes to animals, I mean, other than like a fucking mosquito, I can kill mosquitoes. But I got, like, real I got fuckin issues, and for half a second I wouldn't be able to kill a chicken because I heard that they could count to ten.


But then all these chicken farmers are like they kill each other, man. That whole pecking order, they will peck a chicken to death. I mean, we asked a question, would you rather have a fucking you know, because all I'm going to do is just come over and chop its fucking head off quickly. I'm not going to. Would you rather be pecked to death or just have yourself stuck in a guillotine and have the fucking knife come slamming down on you?


You know. I would choose the guillotine. I'm not saying it would be laying there like, oh, why are you doing? I don't know. I would definitely beg for my life, but I would rather do that than somebody just flicking me in the ear until I fucking died.


Anyway, I watched a lot of shit on fucking animals.


I was watching coyotes. I just can't stop watching this shit. You know. These life and death struggles that they fucking have out there. I can't I was watching fucking coyotes. That's weird, I can watch it kill a cat, but I can't. I hate watching them kill dogs. I watched a leopard, though, a leopard somehow got a domestic dog and had to fucking thing up the tree but didn't know how to finish it off, and then somehow the dog got free and fucking ran away.


Now, Mike, wasn't that thing like biting into your neck, I mean, you fucking had a hell of a weekend there, buddy. But I don't understand people that leave their domesticated animals outside at night. I just don't understand. I mean, even during the day, I don't know where you guys live. But out here, we get these fucking we have hawks and shit out here and they. They tell a story, I was on Crenshaw Boulevard one time before the fuckin pandemic.


Bumper to bumper traffic. And all of a sudden, the people in front of me were like on like was two lanes, right? And they were both like opening like going over the double line. And the other one was going more towards the curb. There was obviously something laying in the road. And as I drove by, you know, when I came up to what it was, there was a Phalcon just standing on top of a pigeon waiting for it to die, and the pigeon was flapping its fucking wings and shit.


And I was like, but I had to keep going, you know, L.A. traffic and I want somebody to shoot me, right. So it's just like that. I just see what I just saw. And then I just saw this fucking pigeon. Like fly right by, I think it was I think the the the hawk got freaked out by by the cars and shit and just sort of let the fucking thing go.


I can't imagine that man, those fucking birds of prey. I mean, that's like Freddy Krueger times to write those talons coming at you.


I've watched all of those bird videos. I watched this giant skinny fucking bird try to steal an Eagles meal because the eagle was in a cage. He stuck his fuckin long, skinny head in through the bars and stole some of his fucking. Food and the look on the goddamn damn the Eagles always had the same look on their face, they never look happy, right? So it finishes. By the way, why do birds of prey have those angry eyes and why they're fucking like the meaner the snake is, the more it has those mean eyes and they've really used that on a lot of automotive design, like with fast cars and shit.


They try to have, like, those fucking venomous snake or bird of prey eyes. It's really weird, you know. And then you look at shit that gets eaten, right? Look at diers, they're big brown eyes. Like, hey, man, I'm just trying to chill over here, man. But anyway, so it's just fucking bird sticks, it's skinny goddamn head through the bars, takes some of the fucking eagles fo the Eagles, look at a thing like I'd like to see you try that again.


And the big fucking dope does it again. And the bird to fucking eagle just grabs him by his face, just grabbed him by his beak and held on to it. And the fucking skinny birds are like, all right, all right, all right, all right.


Fucking let him go. That was the end of that. But it just struck me as funny where. That fucking skinny ass bird is like you would never fuck. With an eagle and now its behind bars, and I was trying to think if I went to jail and there was some guy in there that could beat the fuck out of me, I would try to steal his shit from the fuckin cafeteria commissary, whatever the fuck they say.


I wanted him to kill. I wanted to follow him in by his beak and then grab him by his fucking throat. I don't know. I got to get back on the road, dude, I mean, literally, it's so fucking funny because I quit porn. I don't watch porn anymore. I haven't watched it in, like, fucking three months, but and then something has to fill the void. So now I'm just watching animals kill each other.


I mean, I don't know.


Good thing I quit watching porn. I think I was on my way to snuff films. Oh, Jesus, Bill. All right. Let's do some reads here for the week.


What do we got here? What do we got here? Dude, I don't know how to say this, Napoleone.


Napoleon, not Napoleon, Napoleon and a p o o end.


November Alpha, Papa, Oscar Echo, Oscar, November Napoleon, Hey, Billy, big bollocks, I thought I'd share a couple of Napoléon facts. Oh, this is. This is a. I thought this was an advertising read. So it's supposed to say Napoléon, it just says Napoleone, all right, that isn't on him. I think I rushed the great Andrew Themeless this week because I was recording so early, I cut him off guard. So he sent me these things over.


Okay, Napoléon a Billy Big Bollocks Billy freckled bollocks correction. I thought I'd share a couple of Napoléon facts. Little Smiley Face one. Did you know that Napoleon was the average height for a European those days? No, I didn't. That's fucking great to know. So he wasn't really short, so it had nothing to do with any of that.


So evidently, everybody else got taller than over the years, thought that he was a shorter guy. Seven wars were declared on Napoleon, not so much a war monger, yeah, but you got to think if seven people declare war on you at some point, it's like, what am I doing? Right. Anyway, a large chunk of current existing European laws were created during Napoleon's administration.


Four, it was. It was east. It really was East India Company versus Napoléon, the company had a standing army of two hundred thousand twice of the British army. This is all vague. I don't know what any of this is. Also, it was in Boston that East India Company T was dumped into the sea that sparked another conflict.


Well, it seems to me that you're French on some level or you like Napoleon. Or you're a contrarian because everybody said this little shit started a lot of stuff, let me see Napoléon. Was average height, he was five, six. Yeah, but George Washington was six to. Louis the sixteenth was six four and Adolf Hitler was five nine. George Washington was six. To get the fuck out of here.


He was like a power forward back then, six, two, six three with the powdered wig and he Fleche fans out there, people who ask, all right, what's Napoleon actually short?


In fact, he was probably of average height, according to PREE metric system French measures, he was a diminutive five two, but the French inch pounds of the time was two point seven. Centimeters while the imperial inch was two point five for. Oh, so who is actually taller? Napoleon's height revealed. But if the polling was of average height, the psychology doesn't work for him. Yeah, exactly. They made it nice and simple. He was a short fucker, right?


Who came up with that man, that's like that's like some ex-girlfriend shit, you know, he's short, he's got a little dick. It's why he's a fucking cunt, you know, those basic. You know. Here to here to here, you know, this then this equals that that's actually very interesting.


I don't know anything about the East India Company. What is the East India Company? Let's look that up East India Company.


East India Company, also known as the Honorable E, the. EIC. What did they do? It was formed. Does it still exist? Yes, it does. Founded in sixteen hundred, now defunct eighteen seventy four. My fault. I read that wrong. Wow, what a run, huh? Two hundred and seventy four years. Crushing it. What ended it is that when the British took over their fucking. Country, so what happened? English Education Act.


Now, Jesus. I don't know. I don't know, England's like the original Andy Cohen of the world, you know, you know, that guy gets all those Real Housewives all stirred up. It's like England did that before Andy Cohen, except they did it with countries and races of people.


All Andy Cohen stories.


Just getting a couple of fucking housewives, you know, gets their blood up a little bit. That's my favorite fucking thing to watch.


When now, Karen.


When I can't see Karen anymore because that actually means something to Susan. When?


When Laci called you a cunt in Episode two, you seemed to really not like that, like you can call me a bitch, you can call me a whore.


I don't care.


I heard all those words growing up, but when to me I cut and he just sits there going.


Go ahead, go ahead. Take out more time. Beautiful. Beautiful. Let's get it go. I mean, can you imagine I mean, I think any court could bring boxing back the way that guy knows how to fucking. You know, stir shit up out there, I'm telling you, the man has skills, I'm a fan. All right. Plowing ahead will have to look that up. I love the fact. I'm going to just start saying that even though I don't even know if it's a fact, he has a Napoleon complex, actually Napoleon, they've now found out, was average height.


So you need a new reference, just a fuckin pissed somebody off. I mean, that's really. That's probably 80 percent of my joy in the world. I can't say that because I've got kids now, but you know what I mean. The me outside of my family, 80 percent of my joy comes from moments like that.


Just being a fucking douche, I don't know why I write canceling landlords.


Dear Bill, my girlfriend recently got active in politics. Occasionally, she says stuff that makes no sense because it's second hand information from Meems.


Well, yeah, if that's what you're using for your fountain of information.


But who am I to judge? I just Google shit. And I read the first article like most people once I had to explain to her how Congress worked because she insisted bills don't go to Capitol Hill. Oh, boy, I even sang her the song she admitted to being wrong. Well, that's a big thing for an adult to do. And we agreed that for argument's sake, we princi she won't quote shitty Internet fax.


Oh, man, this this this relationship, somebody is going to have to give here. Either you're going to have to give in to a tin foil fuckin hat. Reactionary fucking like I said, Google it, read the first article, research done, or she's going to have to come your way and it's going to be torture for both of you.


All right, cut to this week, she's saying that we need to cancel landlords. I had to try and gather myself to explain to her that her father was a landlord. He has a business and owns the building, but rents out office space on the other side. She said, quote, That's different. Oh, boy. She started spouting off all these bullshit facts that I traced back to a Teen Vogue article.


Oh, wow, dude, you are a cunt. So you write this shit down and then look it up and, oh, God bless you, sir, you have both of your balls firmly within your grasp in this relationship that you're going to fucking take her to, that you're going to take it down to the mat like this. All right. I'm twenty six and she's twenty four. I just don't understand how you can rationalize that renting out residential or commercial space is like slavery.


Also, aren't cities with stupidly high rent prices mostly blue?


Well, let's go through them, certainly everything out here in L.A. is L.A. is a weird city, Matt. It's it's red and blue. People don't realize that because they all they do is pay attention to Hollywood, but it gets deep red, pretty fucking quick and it gets deep blue, pretty fucking quick. And obviously, if you're near the Hollywood sign and I don't I don't even know about that, it's just that anybody who is red in Hollywood knows enough to keep their fucking mouth shut.


Anyways, we don't live together, so I'm probably going to break up with her in a few weeks.


Yeah, you're definitely going to I'm going to send her a meme about canceling girlfriends, because for me, that's an important cause.


Go fuck yourself. Love you, Bill.


You know, what I loved about this guy is he had a problem. He faced it. He realized there was no solution and now he's going to address it. This man is going to be successful in life. This is what it is.


He saw a problem. He tried to bring the horse to water, the horse would not drink a sent it to the glue factory and he's moving on.


That's how you do it. He didn't adopt it. He fucking put it down. I love it. I love that whole story. Provided, you know, that was just your side of the story. Yeah.


Why would you cancel landlord's. You know what I mean? You guys are reminding me the people that wanted to legalize weed, remember that legalize weed, man, it's a source for paper and you can make jackets and you can make solar panels out of it, man. Now it's legal. What are they doing? They're just trying to figure out ways to get you more fucked up.


Here's a way to be high. But you can actually hold the baby with this strand, this strand right here.


You're just going to stare at the wall for fucking three days.


It's like, where's the paper? Where am I, green hemp fucking crocs? They're nowhere to be found, people just want to get fucked up and not and not get high and not have anybody give them any shit, which I don't have a problem with. I really don't have a fucking problem with that.


So. You know, it is amazing to me is people that take those fuckin trips thought the hallucinating ones and. That's just that's the thing that just blows my fucking mind. People take that and it's just like when you come back, it's like you're going to realize that this reality is just this reality that you fucking you know, it's that we've just agreed upon. But you're going to be looking at the world in a whole new fucking way. It's like, dude, I can't even fucking I can't even handle reality.


Like, I have always been, like, fascinated with psychedelics, but also fucking terrified, just the whole thing, like you need to take this, but you got to make sure you're in a safe place.


I recently had a buddy of mine. This is his story and he's a comedian, so I can't tell it, but he had such a fucking hilarious.


Reaction. To this thing that was speaking to him. While he was high or tripping. And it tried to criticize him and his but his reaction was like, well, who the fuck are you, you know, which is just such the classic stand up comedian. Like mindset, like with. This guy's great, why? I'm not saying we're right, but that's just one fact by listen to this guy. All right.


A woman, my height. All right. Is this a woman Colen? My height or a woman, my height. All right, dear Mr. Bert saw you at the Bon Scott gig at the start of the pandemic. That's the last gig I did. That's the last time I did standup.


And really understood how a world class comic does it. Thanks for the laughs. Yeah, I had I had fun.


Thank God I had a good set. Anyway, he goes, I'm a six three two hundred thirty five pound man. Oh, there you go. Playoffs, Stanley Cup size right there. That man will keep things settled down on the ice there and have dated or hooked up with women with heights ranging from five three to five nine. I've also hooked up with one woman. With one or two women who were five 11, I recently met an incredible, seemingly incredible seeming woman on a dating app we spoke with over the phone message a lot and are getting along wonderfully.


OK, where could this go wrong?


Were being hesitant on hanging out because of the pandemic, but might do a sort of social distance date. If we both test negative, you know, my my wife. My smokin hot wife was just saying the other day, she said, is the covid test the new AIDS test? Because back in the day when we were coming out, that was a big thing, if you been tested. All right, judging by her photos and her social media accounts, she's plenty beautiful.


The only thing is she's six to. I'm open to trying something different and even excited by the idea.


What the fuck would want a giant woman to be fucking great? I would have a problem with that.


But I'm worried that I might do or say something that is rude to her unique life experience.


I'm also a bit nervous because all of my cool guy moves and swagger have been in some way shaped by the fact that I typically tower over girls. Sir, this is great. This is a great thing. She's going to get you outside your comfort zone before all your women start fucking chirping like you don't have a type either, OK? Like you don't have your little safety fucking zone. I think be funny if she's not wearing heels, you could call a shorty, but she's something she probably never had.


She's going to be so psyched that you're six three.


You know what I mean, that she finally is going to be. You know. I don't know what you guys are roughly the same, but can you imagine her back in the day dating a guy five foot six and she wants to be held and feel safe? You know what I mean, and he's hanging on to her like a fucking one of those creepy toddlers that breastfeeds too long to.


By the way, I got to look that up. I don't give a fuck at this point, that's going to be my excuse. When the feds come in, we'd like to talk to you about your search and do a podcast with no guests. The fuck am I supposed to do here?


At what age is it? Creepy to still. Breastfeed. Oh, man, they got to do this on Steve Harvey Show there, the family feud. The Mayo Clinic website states that children are weaned off on an average between ages two and four. What the fuck you listen, nobody remembers what happens to them when they're three. You can't remember. You do not need to remember. Hanging on your mom's boob, you don't want to do that, and in some culture, extended breastfeeding continues for a couple of years past that, while the American Academy of Family Physicians recommends breastfeeding past infancy and gradually weaning off at no precise age.


All right, here's a great article, breastfeeding a three and a half year old isn't creepy, it's hilarious. Uh, I was on the couch feeding my newborn. Second child, when her oldest sibling snuggled up close, says, Mama, can I have some two? She's almost forced. I don't want to read this. Oh, my God, gross. I'm just reading the dialogue. She can't say milk, she could only say Mao could have some Mao when she goes Mao is for babies.


The kid said, please, just a teeny sip. She said, no, hey, no means no. You little shit. Get away from my tits. She burst into tears, dismayed. We were back here again after a long, arduous weaning process. She didn't self wean, as I expected, and around a year.


15 months, 18 months or two, I thought. Oh, she didn't win, as I expected, around a year, 15 months, 18 months or two, I thought of my own mother's claim that I self weaned at eight months in our conversation surrounding my extended breastfeeding. Going to let her breastfeed till she goes to college, she chided. I said, are frozen baggies of milk are in care. I don't want to read this. I don't want to read this.


You know what? I don't feel comfortable reading this. I apologize for looking that up and putting that shit. You fucking. Oh, my God. All right, anyway. Yes, she's going to get you outside your comfort zone. All right, this is a strange new world for me, to be frank. I did some research on my particular situation to no avail. I did, however, read that sex and basically everyday interactions are better with a partner close, closer to one's height.


Any thoughts, opinions, insights or advice would be great. Yeah, you know what I say, buddy. Dive in, dive in and have fun. She seems wonderful, you know.


The fact that you guys, you know, meeting someone during a pandemic, you actually have to take the time to kind of get to know him a little bit, right. So you don't rush into anything. And you don't hang around for the convenience of someone, so you're not lonely or the sex or whatever. So I think this is a good thing. I think you should definitely do it. And.


And they'll be fucking hilarious, though, if she don't want to get involved in it, cause you might fall in love with this girl, but a certain positions that you'll then have to fucking figure out because she's, you know, not super short. You know, much shorter than you, you know what I mean? Maybe you'll have to stand on something if she's in a certain position wearing high heels, like six, seven.


You know, what's great, though, is no one is going to fuck with your kids. All right. Best wishes to you and your growing family. Go fuck yourself.


All right. Good luck, sir.


All right. Boyfriend hates my armpit hair.


Well, yeah. All right. Hi, Bill, love, would you like it if you started to have tits? I mean, that's just how it is in the West you're not supposed to have on that. Not having armpit hair was something that is just it's it's not mainstream.


You're going a little punk rock here. I remember when they did the German version of ninety nine balloons, when she put her hands way up the paper and she put a fucking arms up, we all went, Oh, all right.


Hi, Bill. Love your podcast. My boyfriend and I listen to it together, and I'm sure he'll be thrilled if this makes it on despite the topic. He doesn't like that. I don't shave my armpit hair constantly and constantly comments on it to clear a couple things up. I'm not doing it because I identify as a hippie or I'm taking a counterculture stance. I just never like shaving in general. I'll see like a bomb, at least if you were fucking attached to some ideology, I would get it.


How come guys don't have to do it? But we have to. I get that. You just saw how would you like if you just sat around fucking all unshaven, looking like fucking Bluto on Popeye? Said, this is what I think. All right, I think if, like, you know, the person you're banging is turned off by something, you should make a fuckin effort. All right.


Obviously, if they go your tits too small, you know, tell them go fuck themselves, OK? You need a nose job, tell them to go fuck themselves. But like, you know, if I was doing something or, you know. Whatever the fuck I was doing to the person I was, was saying, hey, that kind of turns me off, I be like, I got it. I got it. Shaving my armpit hair, whatever the fuck I got to do anyway, he says it's weird and he notices it often when I wear a sleeveless shirt and wear around people.


Yeah. Yeah, you're wearing a sleeveless shirt, you're being a douche, you know, he doesn't like it, and then you're flaunting it, you fucking you like fuck fucking making him look like a jerk. I don't see why it matters. Most guys have hair there. Why can't I use passive aggressive little so-and-so?


There's your ideology right there. Just come out and say it. I have good hygiene, I don't smell. Well, listen, first of all, you're applying you're saying all of this. All right, good hygiene and you don't smell that's not you don't make that decision, the people around you tell you that. How the fuck would you know if you don't smell you're in the eye of the fucking hurricane anyways and it doesn't affect anyone other than their supposedly emotional.


Recreation's reaction, sorry, doesn't affect anyone other than their supposedly emotional reactions to body here. To me, it seems to bother him because it goes against what he saw growing up since most women in the U.S. chose to shave. Listen, you are 100 percent doing the feminist thing here. Most guys have hair there. Why can't I? And you're just reacting this way because Western society has told you this. So don't say that you're not you're you're doing this for feminist fucking reasons.


I'm not saying you're a hardcore Femi's. I'm not saying you're douche. I'm not saying you're wrong. But you are doing this for a fucking reason. My question is, is why do most men find this to be weird or even repulsive? Thanks for reading. If you read it, that's it. Go fuck yourself.


I would say the same reason why most women find Mantid repulsive. It's like, why can't I have tits? You have tits. There's just certain things that are.


You know, this is this is what I try to do this as nicely as possible, the error in progressive thought is they.


They had this thing is like what is normal. There is no normal, it's like, yeah, there is. There is a normal. In all of these, super progressive people also have a normal. Or else you would walk around and you would never be uncomfortable. If I walk down my driveway and I see a fucking bear in my driveway. That's not normal, but I could argue it is normal. I'm outside, bears live outside. I'm not used to seeing a bear.


In my fucking driveway. Now, if I get uncomfortable, does that mean I fucking hate bears? Sweetheart, you got a fuckin goddamn den of bears on your fucking armpits, a freaking them out. Listen, it's all how you grew up, OK, if you grew up and women had hair in their arms, no, it wouldn't bug you, but but we didn't. So it becomes weird this societies and the like, those like things where guys walk down the street holding the hands.


We don't do that here. I could never do that to my with my another one of my guy friends. I don't know what the I don't know what would happen to our friendship. We can never talk to each other again. All right, but here's the deal. As much as you probably judge me now, if it was reversed and it was another country of doing it, progressive people like, well, you have to respect their culture.


So here's the thing. You can have hair under your fucking arms. You have every right to have hair in your arms. And he has every right to be fucking grossed out by it.


And I think he's being a great fucking guy, tolerating it, yes, tolerating it. He's putting up with this thing and that's what you do in a relationship you tolerate. If you really like somebody as you put up with their bullshit and your bullshit is, you know, you got fucking Kevin McHale's fucking arm, hip, armpit hair. I don't there is nothing wrong for a guy to be repulsed by arm, by armpit hair any more than a woman is repulsed by something that a guy does.


You can't help how you're fucking wired in this whole fucking thing. You know, they've been doing this thing where, like, what is beauty?


What is you know, it's like Madison Avenue has been the the people telling us what beauty is. Shut the fuck up. You know, you know what a good looking person looks like. And you know what I fucking fucked up looking person looks like?


OK, because that whole fucking shit that that feminists argue about beauty notice, they don't really argue it for men, they only argue it for women. They want to eat cookies and fucking be on billboards. That's what they want to do. They want they want to they want to be just in the fucking express lane their whole life and fucking not have to do anything. And then meanwhile, we have to continue to do all of our shit, you know what I mean?


I mean, did you ever see, like, I don't know, is there any sort of male movement out there to be, like, going like what is with all of these fucking things on TV about, you know, what's wrong with an older man not being able to get his dick hard anymore? I mean, everything on there is you've got to have abs yet. Dick's got to be fucking saluting the flag and you've got to have a fucking lions mane, a hair, every fucking thing on their hasit.


Who gives a shit? It is what it is. So here's the deal. Your boyfriend hates your armpit hair.


You know, I got to be honest with you, if my wife had a problem with something that I could correct physically without any sort of major surgery, I would do it for, I wouldn't have a fucking problem with it. I mean. I don't think it's that big of a fucking deal. I don't think you have to be a jerk about it. I don't think you even have to shake the fucking armpits. You don't have to be. But two things you need to do.


You need to own up to the fact that you're doing it for a fucking reason. If you're honest with them that then he could have an honest conversation with you because you're trying to act like I'm just, you know, I'm not being like a hippie or counterculture person, you you are, which is totally fine.


I'll be honest, it's I will say this, it's not as gross to me as it used to be, it's a little more.


Mainstream, I would say, but like I'll tell you something that I never fucking the completely shaved fuckin beaver, it's just like I'm trying to be a woman here.


And that that that that that that that there is always fucking creeped me out, just creeps me out.


All right. Fucking creeps me out, so I. You know, I don't know. And did I ever say I don't think I ever said anything? I passive aggressive. What do you think of me like, it's pretty intense. So, like, yeah, I mean, you know. I like being in the crowd, I don't need to be that far back stage. All right. Underrated small town stories. Hey, Billy Crimson Crotch. I like that one.


Roll Tide. Have you seen the new documentary movie Tred yet on Netflix? It's awesome.


It's about an old school welder. That lives in a small town in Colorado called Granby in the 1990s and early 2000, he opened a welding shop in town and pretty much welded everything for everybody.


Anyway, I'm definitely going to watch this because I'm fascinated with welding, he caught up and he got caught up in some drama with the old boys club.


Of small town politics and his neighbor in town board turned against him, stating and started fucking with his shop and way of life, I don't know, are you going to ruin it here? I'm not going to read anything else. I'm going to read this shit tread treated on Netflix. I believe I will be watching that tonight. I mean, how do you not watch a documentary on welding?


How do you not, well, easily get involved in all these playoffs? Well, guess what I have time for I have time right now to watch the end of the St. Louis Blues game, and then I'm going to watch the fucking.


I'm going to watch that the Toronto Maple Leafs, I have to root for them, but I also love the Columbus Blue Jackets. I really like both of those teams. But, you know, Toronto has been waiting forever, so. I don't know. We shall see what happens anyway. Anyway, that is the the podcast, everybody, you and your armpit hair or your lack of armpit hair. Have a great fucking time. What a fucking I.


I hate passive aggressive shit. OK, what?


I'm not doing it because of this. And then you say why you're doing it and then you're wearing tank tops out in front of his friends. OK, you know what you're doing. You're putting your statement out there and then you're trying to get, well, what if I didn't?


What if I don't shave my armpits, which you have a problem with, that you just start and shit, you know what you're doing, all right? You just not as good at that as you think you are. Having said that. You know, I would not kick any woman out of bed that had armpit hair, I would not do that if they were fucking nice enough to want to fuck me there. I said it. OK, there you go.


God bless everybody. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.