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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it is time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday. Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you, just checking in to see how you're doing during this crazy week.
I like that you believe what have I got to be honest with you, as much as people are always saying, like, oh, my God, what has happened to the world?
I can't kill you.
This is crazy. Did you watch that today? Isn't that crazy? Could you believe how crazy that was? I'm afraid to look out my window, right?
This is like when they just watched the Weather Channel and they said that something's been upgraded to a tropical storm. Forget about the shit show that happened yesterday. And I have to be honest, as much as I downplay shit, I can't even pretend hear. What I saw yesterday, I don't even have words for. Those uniforms that the Miami Heat war against the Boston Celtics, I have to tell you. I thought the. The tube went out of my TV like I'm old enough to remember when the tube went out, like that's what the fucking picture looked like.
I thought I was losing my eyesight. I mean, I'm not trying to divide the country here. I loved the Miami Vice Miami Heat logo. At the centre court, I thought that was cool as shit, I love Miami, I love that city and all of that shit, but they went too far.
Something needed to give. OK, if you're going to do the Miami Heat, Miami Vice thing, OK, and this isn't a liberal or a fucking conservative point here. I'm just trying to be I'm trying to be like right down the middle here. OK. If you're going to do that. And you're going to do the baseline floor, you got to go more muted colors for the team. But when the Senate court logo and all around the fucking the painted area into the out of bounds and then you have the uniforms match, it was.
That was a lot to look at, and I have to say that as an American during a pandemic. I can't believe how tone deaf the Miami Heat organization is to have them come out. In those uniforms that I just think fly in the face. OK, of everybody who's ever fought for this country and eventually played in the NBA and, you know, if I was the president of the Miami Heat right now, I would be calling everybody in my my publicist wing trying to get some sort of apology because I feel as a basketball fan watching the NBA, that NBA game, I feel like I'm owed an apology because I was triggered, OK.
Oh, and by the way, some jerk offs broke into the earth, was it? What is it called? The Capitol Building. What I was waiting for was.
For CNN or Fox News or the Huffington Post or any one of these fucking jerk off phony fucking journalists nowadays, people to accept some of their level of responsibility in fanning the flames that led to that. And I just want to say once and lastly, once and for all, if you watch CNN or if you watch Fox News to get your news, you are a fucking jerk off.
All right, you're not watching the news, OK? Even when I was a kid, you really weren't watching the news. You were watching a version of whatever they had censored. Who the fuck knows what's going on? But the level that they are taking it to now and how much CNN, Fox News, Huffington Post, all of these fucking people have divided the country. OK, and then all you mouth breathing morons who go on social media and talk about politics and shit.
You are. Adding. Fuel to the fire that leads to this bullshit, and if you're on the left and you watched what happened yesterday and you think that that's what somebody on the right is like, that is an example. Of the average person on the right, you're a fucking moron the same way if you're on the right and you look at the left and you see these fucking idiots. Some of these loudmouth Hollywood idiots out here and some of the shit that comes out of their mouth, that that's what the average liberal thinks, you're also a fucking moron.
But. That's how the world is now having said that, let's just have some fun with this here I love. I only saw a couple of clips. Because I had a Celtics game to watch. And I realize that ninety nine point nine percent of my fellow Americans weren't at the Capitol building yesterday, so I have no problem with liberals, I have no problems with conservatives. I know sometimes people don't agree. But I don't look at that yesterday like those are, you know, those.
Did you see the guy who clearly went to an Army Navy surplus store? And bought himself a G.I. Joe costume with and he kept his civilian backpack that looked like a fat G.I. Joe going in with his dumb ass helmet, and then you got to give it up to the fucking guy there with the Buffalo Sabres fan, their Buffalo Bills fan with the big horns.
I mean, that guy is immediately a legend, and I feel like he branded himself.
For the rest of his life, he gets to be like, I'm the guy who sat with Tip O'Neill, used to nod off and Nancy Pelosi and who I don't know anybody else who's been speaker of the fucking House. He sat right there.
And I just feel like for the rest of his life, he can go to swap meets and sign autographs, five bucks a whack, and he's going to be good. You know, and you know, the way the bankers have this thing run, I'm happy for that guy. Good for him. Other than that, I didn't watch a fucking second of it and, you know.
I got my conservative friends are right now, though, the footage didn't add up. There was a.. Forgive the fucking idiots live like who follow politics. I swear to God they did. Just like I just texted him. I go, you guys you guys are like sports fans. You know what I mean, where everybody just like you see all the fouls the other team's doing, but you don't see the one that you're doing, it's just fucking I can't talk to people like that.
I really I really can't, you know what I mean? It's like the same fucking assholes who worship Obama and act like he didn't fucking sit there. Drone bomb in playgrounds and weddings. I mean, the guy is a war criminal the same way George W.. Was there all fucking war criminals working for bankers and oil companies? That's what the fuck they're doing.
All right. The same people that are holding Obama's feet to the fire won't hold Bush's feet to the fire and vice versa. And then that stupid phone conversation comes out and all Trump people like, well, you know, there's context. You got to we got to hear the whole conversation. And then people in the liberal and all I got, I'm going to arrest this guy.
And literally Obama could have been on the phone saying the exact same fucking thing any fucking idiot would flip and I can't deal with anymore. So what I do is I just lose myself in old movies and I still watch sports and that type of thing.
So the latest thing.
Somebody told me to watch. Somebody told me to watch the fuck is it the. What the hell was it called, was another one of these art dealer movies, this thing you got to see, it's fucking it's kind of sad. What's really sad is I can't find the fucking email, not the email, the text message, I just had it. I just had it. Where are you? I give up, I give up with these goddamn fucking phones.
You guys are afraid to like a race tax threads with people. You know, it's almost like you need evidence in case if I can go nuts. Later on, try and claim something, OK, I watched this thing called The Price of Everything. And it had to do with, like, the whole art world and how. They come up with the prices of things and there's this one woman who's in it that you just have to see. Because she's sort of on the business side of it and she talks so passionately about these fucking paintings and it takes about a third of the movie, and before you realize, like, she's not talking about the paintings, she's talking about what it's worth.
Because if you really listen to her talking about the paintings, it's so fuckin surface, it just sort of just saying what she's heard other people say. My favorite thing that she says, she goes, I mean, look at this here. I mean, this is just a masterpiece. And it was like a little dock's hound dog. Look like it was running the way they had drawn it. You got to look at me, look at that dog, I mean, that's the way it's moving.
I mean, that's like a masterpiece. And like, I love dogs. I have a dog, like, that's what she said about it. And it's just like you don't know shit about that painting. You don't know why it's good or why it isn't good. You just know people fucking like it and it's worse. A lot of money. So you're saying it is a fucking masterpiece.
But the second people walk away from it and they're not into that artist anymore, you're going to walk away, too. That's kind of what I learned. It was like I always thought that the music business was the most fucking brutal. And then just looking at the art world, it's now seeming like. You know, it's even worse. Where I feel like even like in the music world, there are bands that are so legit. That they can stay around and then you have other like people that go the pop star boyband route where I feel like painters all have to deal with the boyband think.
Like I saw in this one of the documentaries like Jean-Michel Basquiat, How the fuck you say his name, and Andy Warhol got together and made paintings together. And then they had a showing and they got completely trashed by the critics, they said they're both washed up and I guess they're both trying to cling to each other now. That's what they said. And they didn't sell any paintings. And then in the next year, Andy died, in the year after that, Jean-Michel died.
And now those paintings that everybody says were shit are now worth like 100 million dollars. So what the fuck the fuck do you do with that? What in the fuck do you do with that? And they have to exist in that goddamn world. So I don't know if you're into that type of shit. I will tell you something hilarious. So this person I know that's really into art and stuff like that, which I've never been into, I just never been into it.
But I started watching this stuff and it kind of made me curious about it. So this person tells me says, you know. Here in L.A., they have a museum that has the biggest collection of Jean-Michel Basquiat paintings. And the name of the fucking museum. It is called the broad, but it's spelled B-R, OED. So I said to my wife, I was like, you know, they got, you know, when this fucking pandemic, if it ever ends, we should go over.
You know, they got this, the greatest collection in the country of Jean-Michel, paintings down the street at the broad. I called it the broad because that's how it was written. I thought it meant like broad. Like I was like, wow, that's kind of weird. That you call a museum the broad, you know, but then I thought, well, maybe it means like they have a broad variety of artists and my wife laughed at me for, like, fucking 10 minutes.
Going it's not the broad fucking meathead, it's the broad. So not just becomes another running joke in our relationship, so someday, you know, I'm going to take her out to lunch. You know, and bring her over to the broad. And I'll look at a bunch of paintings that I don't understand, but what I do understand is I understand. The way those painters are treated, you know, I get that I'm like, oh yes, this is this is still show business.
This is a little harder hardcore version of this.
It's the same old fucking shit. It's really fascinating, though. So anyway.
Plowing ahead, my daughter. Started school this week. And. That was an amazing thing and it was kind of funny, both me and my wife had different levels of anxiety. About it, like when we dropped her off at school, she didn't cry like some kids were having like meltdowns, I guess, or whatever. And my daughter was totally cool. We like all right. See you later, buddy. And she goes in there, and as we drive away, you know, my wife got emotional and everything, I was like, she's going to be fine, you know?
And, you know, it's just it's a sad thing because it's. It's the beginning of her going out into the world, you know, those first four years of your kid's life, you know, it's weird. There's I think when you're on your exhausted days going to God, someday they're going to go to schools, or at least I'll get a couple a break here.
But, you know, you don't want it to end because they're your little buddy. And when they go to school, then it just kind of like, oh, man. Now this is like. You know. She's her world. Her world has expanded. Like tenfold, like her whole universe was hanging here at the house with us, so. You know, my wife got like emotional and stuff like that, right, so. We're going to go pick her up, and it was really a big deal for me.
That we were there before the kids got let out. And I wanted her to you know, I didn't want her waiting and all the other kids seeing their parents, I wanted her. You know, to see that we were there, too, so my wife agrees. And then she goes, hey, you know, I got to get some stuff at the grocery store. Why don't we leave a little bit early and knock it out? I said, fine, just as long as we're there.
At the top of the hour, right, what was supposed to pick her up, she goes fine. So she goes in the grocery store, she goes off and she text me. Going out shit, you know, is a really long line here. Maybe I should do this tomorrow and I'm like, well, you know, maybe you should and then I don't hear from her. So she stays in there and it's like, you know, whatever, 135, 140, 145.
Right. And it starts getting. And texting like, hello, and she's like, sorry, I'm almost done. And then it like 152, she's like standing in line. And we're right around the corner. But now I'm sitting there in the car. And I feel like, you know, we're doing a bank robbery and we synchronize their watches and she was supposed to be out, they've hit the alarm. The cops are coming. What the fuck is going on?
Right. So. She's fuckin taken forever and finally at like one 58, she's like, drive around now I have to drive around because she's got it this fucking close.
And I've seen this point like I lose my temper. So I'm driving around and she I see her come walking out and now I'm in the line to get back into the fucking. Grocery store, so I'm beeping the horn, the guy in front of me thinks I'm beeping at him and I'm beeping my wife and she's not fucking looking back. I beep like six times. Then I say, fuck it, I drive around the line. Now, everybody in the line thinks I'm this impatient douche telling people to go and I don't wait my turn.
I got to pull up next to her. Emotions are heightened. It's it's 159. Right.
She you know, she gets in the car. And I was just like, you know, what the fuck are we going to fucking blah, blah? And I flipped out. So then we get to the school. And now we're in a fight. And we get out, we're standing in line, we're like in a fight, and my wife gives me a dirty look, of course, because I yelled at her and then I'm thinking in my head like, oh, this is me.
This one's on me. You're the one who added the fucking thing, right?
And I was just like, I do, I want to be the couple that's arguing on the first day of school, I don't. So I did something I never do. I just walked away and I sat in the fucking car and I breathed a little bit and I was like, all right. OK, and we've got there they were they just let the kids out like one at a time, so they make sure that everybody goes home with the right parents, so.
You know. In my wife's mind, we weren't late because that's how they were doing it, but in my mind it's like, no, we are late because instead of being, you know, second, third in line now, we're like tenth in line. So then, you know, if you do that every fucking day. You know, I would think your kids in there, like, how come my parents always pick me up? I mean, it wasn't that bad, but I'm thinking all of this shit, so whatever.
She cried to begin a day. I flipped out at the grocery store, so.
I was like, all right, I don't want to be in the car, so I get out of the car. I just stand there and I just said, Listen. Sorry, I yelled. I still like you, all right? I like you a lot, even though you're a jerk, so she kind of fucking smiled. I was like, are you still pissed or whatever? But we were in a good enough place. A kid comes out, she's all excited, she had a great time, thank God, so we get in the fucking car, we're driving home, she tells me she likes all the kids in class.
Everything's great. So it was fucking perfect, right? And when we get home for us day, my wife sort of like fucking pissed at me, and then the greatest thing, we actually talked about it at night, iron the whole fucking thing out. She said why she did what she did. She apologized. I said, why I did what I did. I apologized. I went back to therapy, I was doing that anyways, I talked about it today and then I talked to her about it again today and we're.
Back to being in a great place. And that is not what I witnessed while I was growing up. So.
I'm just telling you guys a story, because I know I'm not, you know, alone when being an angry fucking lunatic. And what I should have done. I should have just been like I should have remained calm and then just stated, like, you know, you told me that you were going to be out by such and such time and now you're not. And now this is making me feel like a bad parent. Now, who's who, even if I did that, she still wouldn't admit to any wrongdoing because she is a woman.
OK, sorry, I misogyny is going to come up a little bit here. But at least I would have given me firmer ground to stand on, but whatever, I'm kind of glad I flipped out because it's something that I want to stop doing. So I've decided that I'm just going to write down. On a piece of paper and fold it in half, just a little book I can read. To start my day. It's going to be like, how do you want your day to be?
Do you want to get in a fight with you want to yell at your wife, get into a fight? You know, do you want to do this? Do you want to do that or do you want to do this? These are your options in a state where this fucking thing, because I always have those thoughts, and when I kind of realized when you go to therapy, you can have all these fucking thoughts and they're just sort of not real until you say it.
And then once you say it, you're like, oh, shit. I've said that out loud, I don't know, it's weird, it's how my brain works, so if I fucking write this shit down. You know. Maybe I can, I can. I don't know if not be such a fucking idiot, I guess I don't know. But at the end of the day, you know something? The bar is set really low. And I want to commend all of you who are listening to this, if you're on the right, if you're on the left, gay or straight, whatever the fuck you do, if you like to bang an animal here or there without anybody knowing.
Right. I just figure as long as you didn't. Break into the Capitol building. With the buffalo horn on your head, I think you had a good day.
I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about at this point, but the Celtics won three in a row and my buddy Paul Varzi, is there anything better?
We're going to be starting this sports podcast, joking around and shit later on this month. His New York Knicks won three in a row, three in a fucking row. It's going to be a great podcast. A Boston guy will suburbs of Boston and a New York guy. So we got all the sports shit and all of that and. I lean a little bit of left, he leans a little right. It's fucking great, it's perfect. It's going to be a lot of fun.
And you know, these podcasts, I do like the one I do with Burt Krischer. And now going to do what, Paul Burs, you are just becoming my way of hanging out with my stand up friends that I miss, to be honest with you.
All right. Here we go. Oh, Jesus Christ. Listen to this shit. This is a new advertiser. This is amazing. And I have to do this, even though it's slightly disgusting. OK, I think it's called Vme, Vieaux, MI. It's these fucking companies, they always have these fucking goddamn names I could never figure the I owe me Fiame Naomi.
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I can't what the fuck word is that, my Mitko? Oh, oh, my God, mitochondrial, I think I remember that from biology class way back in the day and I never took biology class.
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Yeah, because you know, that dumb shit when you see on the you know, you got to stop eating bananas and then the other idiot going, you know, you could run three miles a day on a fucking treadmill, seven days a week to lose any weight.
That doesn't work. That's never work.
The fuck are you talking about? I'm almost going to run a marathon every week and I'm not going to lose weight. The fuck I'm not. I'm totally happy unless I get off and eat a fucking hotbox. Oreo cookies. Sorry. Violi partners include the Mayo Clinic, GSK and others and is used by Olympic gold medalists and elite professional athletes. Yeah, I heard like the Golden State Warriors do this, go to Wyoming Dotcom and learn how you can get your unique insights for better health and wellness.
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I'm going to do this with my wife.
They. I believe this is the company they look at a stool sample. Jesus Christ. I mean, how do you send shit through the mail and you're not on the FBI's fucking. I mean, that's it sounds like you're going to be. So like a terrorist act post 9/11, you do this and then they figure out your body. Like DNA, like makeup or whatever, and then like what foods you should be eating versus somebody else, and it just seems like a way to keep your joints from getting inflamed by eating the wrong stuff or having, you know, me with my belly here, you know, I'm trying to get rid of it just seems like it's perfect.
And there might be something that you were eating. Like my buddy who did this was telling me, like I used to always eat rice with fish because they always saw that as we supposed to have. And it turns out I shouldn't be having that. I should actually be having a potato. And I was hot potatoes are bad. They do shit like that and you can figure it out OK. And this is why these guys are great, because if you know what the fuck you're supposed to eat, that is 90 percent of the battle for living longer, living healthy and keeping your weight off.
And then you don't have to buy some stupid mirror mirror on the fucking wall gym thing. Do you ever wonder why they just keep coming up with new workout's? And they keep coming up with new fuck in the peloton, oh, let me go ride the Tour de France every month and you still see all these fat fucks walking around. It's because those things are only 10 percent of 10 percent of staying in shape, the other 90 is is eating.
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Why do they love the pillows? I don't know. Why do they love it? I don't know. Why do we love seeing dogs playing poker?
Why do we love seeing that? I don't know. I guess we're all weird, right, Roman? Please use one of the intros below, or we encourage you to ad lib based on your experience with Roman items highlighted in yellow, are mandatory to read verbatim. OK, great. Now that we're on to see this full disclosure on this podcast. All right. I'm going to read No. One. I'm going to go with number one. You know, it could be awkward or embarrassing to talk about erectile fucked at.
OK, it doesn't work, you look that doctor in the eye, you talk about your wet noodle, I'm reading number two. How often do you use the excuse?
Like I had a long day at work. I'm just not feeling it. I've used that it's easy to talk about erectile dysfunction is I'm too tired to fuck the same thing as erectile dysfunction, or if you're saying you're tired but you're not. That's erectile dysfunction anyway. But Roman makes it easy to discuss and treat Ed. With Roman, you can get a free online evalu evaluation and ongoing care for erectile dysfunction, all from the comfort and privacy of your home.
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All right. Doc, you got to help me. What seems to be a problem? You know, my dick's looks like a fat guy in an airplane.
Not enough, coach. Except it doesn't keep popping its head up, waking up, it just sort of keels over, it looks like it's getting a crash position. It's putting its heads between its knees and the knees, meaning my balls. Can you fuckin do something about this, please? You smok wearing cunt?
You know, you could say something like that, you know, add a little color to it, there's nothing wrong with that. All right, that's it. OK, this is Bill Burr. I respect you. If you're conservative, I respect you. If you're fucking liberal. I respect whatever the fuck it is you're doing. All right. That's it. OK, everybody, let's fucking calm down. All right, if you're not a doctor, don't say doctor shit.
Listen to doctors. Can we do that in twenty twenty one?
Stop acting like you're a doctor because you have a laptop, can we fucking do that? Stop acting like you're in the CIA because you well, you went to a couple of websites online. I mean, I've been guilty all of this shit, but I just figured I'd give you a lecture. Everybody else likes to pontificate. Why can't I?
All right. And if elected. All right. Please enjoy the music picked up by the wonderful Andrew Themeless. And I will be. What am I going to do it? I mean, watching the playoffs this weekend, you got what do we got? We got the Titans in the Ravens. The Titans versus the Ravens, 200000 yard. Running back, Derrick Henry. Brian Tannahill. Versus Lamar Johnson. You know, over the plays on the fucking Ravens, I don't know anybody's name anymore, I'll be looking forward to that.
And I'm going to watch the games probably later than that. They're wrong because I probably have some dead shit to do this weekend, which I'm really getting into. In a pandemic kind of way, I was doing this great thing where we were going to mom and pop restaurants, those are my favorite places to take the family out to dinner. All right. I don't want to go out to some dumb ass Applebee's. I want to be at some place that, you know, we've been here for 40 fucking years making these goddamn sandwiches.
You know, you go there and there's like family working behind the counter. I love those places, so. It sucks that you can't go out to him now because one in five, maybe five and one people have covid out here in L.A. because they just fucking categorically fucking refuse.
You know why? Because too many of them were fucking pussies over the fucking holidays.
Right. And they had to go breathe all over her. Now she's gone. God bless these doctors. God bless these doctors, you know, we're such fucking dopes, regular people, you know what they should do when they finally get this vaccine for everybody? They should put us on like, you know, remember back in the day when you had that little gun at the carnival and you had to shoot those ducks going. That's what they should do for people didn't wear fuckin masks.
They should just fucking shoot it right in the goddamn neck for the rest of us.
All right, that's it. Go fuck yourself. Have a great weekend and I'll check in on you. No, no, I'll I'll talk to you on Monday, OK?
I can't stand right here. In his right hand was a man's worst nightmare out of the bushes right here. John Coltrane was not only dangerous, but strange. So Rob's like the one you can brag about him from the top. So I was like, that is you just happy to see me shrink? Classical slapstick rapidly chapstick. A lot of folks are like that. Atanasoff So I have to remember, like the Alamo, Taleo hot chocolate, Spaceguard came back for Favia, leave the state same safe and feel looks a lot like experience shots of biological clocks.
When I hit it, send it to the city. Thought I killed a goose. Appaloosas pure bred a water filter to keep a pet like a leaky pipe. What a man. What happened to a friend. Right would never see this shit again. But he's still my. It's only going to come between us. It's for the money. I seriously doubt the Wall Street cash brag about the Bogota's better odds make for better songs. That is not if you got a lot of what it takes.
Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr. And it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 7th, 2013, the first Monday of a wonderful New Year.
We're not we're in our teens, everybody. In this century, as anybody said, basically what this decade is called, by the way, is this the teens? I guess you can officially say that, right? I mean, they say that about the 1900, right? They say that, well, it was the roaring 20s. They always blow off the first to the arts. The teens. The 30s, the 40s, Adam Anyway's. You have to believe the shit I'm sitting here, right?
Wake up, I don't have anything to talk about today, so I was like, I know, I know what I'll do. I'll go check out the fucking eggheads over at Ted Dotcom, see what the fuck they're up to and what do I see. This is why we're going to be extinct quicker than global warming, a quicker than anything else you could ever come up with, one of the things right on the front page is this guy, Hayden Perry.
And you know what he's talking about everybody. He's talking about reengineering mosquitoes to fight disease.
How can these people be so smart and so fucking stupid all at the same time? Did you really think that you're just going to reengineer like, I don't know what they're going to do, like take the old engine out and put something better in there that works for us? The guy starts it off, of course, is always with know something really ominous, he's like and forgive my awful whatever British accent here, but he comes out, he's just like today we're going to talk about.
The most dangerous animal on the planet for humans now, most of you probably think that that's tiger, maybe it's a lion. I'm actually talking about the mosquito. The mosquito has killed more people than plagues war AIDS, and he goes on this whole fucking thing. OK, and he's going on and on about how mosquitoes have killed a bunch of fucking people, you know, throughout the course of history, which, if you fucking think about it, is really not that mind blowing.
You know, plagues come and go, wars begin and end, but mosquitoes, they never quit every fucking day, they're biting people, you know what I mean?
They're like that dude that always goes to the gym. He doesn't take six months off and he fuckin MoonPies and then come back with his big doughy stomach like me. The fuckin Miskito. Is relentless. All right, certainly just sitting there going now, you know, the mosquito, it only travels only 200 yards in its entire fucking life and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but basically it lays eggs and shit, you know, water in that type of crap.
And then, you know, we're assholes. We go all over the fucking world and we got the eggs with us. And, you know, the mosquitoes are all over the fucking planet. As they should be biting people, killing people, giving us some fuckin elbow room. This fucking jackass in his fucking egghead friends want to reengineer one of the few things that is keeping the human population just vaguely in check, which it isn't. We're up to seven billion people.
And this fucking asshole wants to reengineer mosquitos to fight disease rather than to spread it. Do you understand how fucked up this guy is, like it's like a form of terrorism to fight? I don't know. I know you guys think I'm a moron, but like there's a reason why mosquitoes kill people. You know, there's a reason, there's a reason everything kind of kills, everybody keeps it balanced, this fucking jerk off. Do you really think you're just going to rewire these fucking mosquitoes and then that's going to that's not going to have a domino effect in.
Add up, you know what it's like listening to these fucking guys, it's like listening to some weekend warrior who decides he's going to rewire his house and, you know, within three years, he's going to fucking burn it down because he doesn't how he's he's not a licensed electrician. That's what these guys are. OK, they're so fucking smart, they're going to reengineer a mosquito, but like, how's that going to affect the fucking oh God, give me give me an animal, a bird and a fucking.
It's going to affect something. So in over my head over this, but I know I'm right. Anoma, you can't just you can't just if you fucking reengineer that thing. To help us, OK, it now can't kill us. Let's talk about this. The fuck did he call it dengue disease, dengue disease or some shit that evidently. It is killing a bunch of people. First time you get it, you feel like you have a fever and you can actually have the feeling like your bones are going to break.
Actually call it a break, bone fever and you develop like antibodies, but there's three strains. And then when you get the next one, I mean, just it's like a horror movie.
But a necessary one. You know. These fucking nerds ever think that there's a reason? That mosquitoes kill people. That's what I love about nature, is it all makes sense. You know, if you just remove your emotions from it and you just look at the whole thing is like a I don't know, like a math problem, no Jesus, right. Where we have you got way too much, it's like if you open the cupboard, you know, I mean, you'd have, like, fucking.
Like one Fig Newton and then seven billion pounds of flour. I think that they should not not just let the fucking mosquitoes kill people if you get killed I'm sorry, you know, but you're dead. It's over. You're out of the way. And we continue on and there's apples for everybody. You know, we're already growing salmon and dishes, man made fuckin salmon, we're literally fuckin with the food supply. Another form of terrorism. So he just comes in and poisons the food supply.
You know, if you have, like, a fucking mask on, you know, in some sort of BARTAL. On you, on your head or whatever, then it's, oh, yeah, it's a terrorist, that's a terrorist. But if you've got a fucking lab coat on. You know, you put in all these pesticides in there and that type of I'm I'm I'm on my soapbox this week, people. Standing up on that box, letting everybody hear my ignorance.
Hayden, Perry, if for some reason I don't know why you felt like being dumb this week and you're listening to this podcast, can you please not rent? Can you and your friends please not reengineer mosquitoes? Can you just let them do their fucking job?
You know. Why don't you do the world a favor and stick your head in a mosquito nest? Why don't you fucking do that? This is like mad scientist shit. Ted Dockum is the scariest fuckin website out there, these fucking assholes, you know, they're reengineering mosquitoes and they're building robots that know everything that can run like Barry Sanders, you know, and like that's not going to be a bad thing. Hayden Perry. You know, it is his heart is in the right place.
He sees death, he sees suffering, he sees pain, and he wants to fucking stop it. All right. Because what he's doing is he's chasing. The myth of a utopia. The myth of Utopia is that if you lived in a utopia, everybody would be happy all the time and nothing bad would ever happen. And that's just not the case. Because of the emotion of boredom, if everything was awesome all the fucking time, you would go out of your fucking mind because every day would be the exact same.
It would just be awesome. Hey, it's lunchtime. You have a turkey sandwich. Isn't this the greatest, Turkey said? Yes, every day it's the greatest fucking sandwich ever. Every fucking day. Exhausted. With happiness, it would be exhausting. You know what I mean? You got to have people getting bit by mosquitoes dying. If that doesn't happen, you can enjoy the Super Bowl at the same level. You know what I mean? You can't enjoy just sitting there having a turkey sandwich because you can't you don't have the thing to be like, well, at least, you know, I mean, a turkey sandwich, the meat's a little dry, but, hey, at least I didn't get bit by a mosquito and die, you know, laying face down in a puddle.
Eggs. If you eliminate all of that, I mean, what are we supposed to fucking do? There's all these these all these there's all these myths that if we just did this, people would get along for just a that people get along.
I don't think we would. I think. Boredom. Boredom is at the basis of of I don't know that that's what drives us. I don't know. We just want to do something about being competitive and all that, you wouldn't get rid of that. Just imagine that if you lived in a fucking utopia, everybody had the best car. Everybody drives a fucking Bentley. Everybody's got the greatest fucking stereo. Everybody's got a Victoria's Secret fuckin model. Everybody's got, you know, an infinity pool.
Everybody's got it OK now. That if you just snap your fingers and make that happen, that would be probably the most insane five day street party the world has ever seen. But after five fucking days, you'd get you'd get sick of it. I think you would. Nobody ever stubs their toe. Nobody ever falls down, you just, you know. I don't know, reengineering fucking mosquitoes, you know, I saw a transvestite do a fuckin face plant this week and it coming out of a donut shop.
First of all, in L.A., there's donut shops. I swear to God, there's like 19 chains of of donut shops out here. They're on like every other block. I don't get it. Everybody out here that I know is in this business and you're trying to stay remotely in shape, so you limit your fuckin Twitter bashing the level that you get bashed on Twitter.
I don't know who's eaten all the fucking donors, who has. But they're everywhere, so. I'm fucking cutting down. I mean, I was I was on fountain, if I really shouldn't give the street up, but now is the one for you tourists out here when you want to go east to west or west to east and it's during rush hour, don't take don't take a fuckin sunset. Don't take Santa Monica. Take fountain. It's right in the middle.
But I'm one of those strips there, there's this place, Yum-Yum Donuts, I believe is what it's called or is it Xenomorph?
I can't remember. So when I was a fucking donut shop and I got this stupid little like. You know, like those, you know, get put like poles down in any detail, chained to it those little things and kind of droops down and goes over to this fucking dude woman right.
Was stepping over it and he had a thing, a doughnut, and just fell down on the ground. Now, normally, I would laugh. A guy in a dress fell face first with a fucking handful of doughnuts. I mean, that's pretty much you're going right down the checklist of a home run when it comes to comedy. But the dude fell so effeminately, I felt bad. The gentleman in me was like, oh, that lady guy. The lady just fell.
And the way the dude put his hand up, it was just ended up just being really sad, you know, but I pride myself a pat myself on the back here, me and my ego, that I resisted the urge of taking out my phone and filming it.
You know, I don't I don't like that shit now how every fucking moment becomes this. I don't know what to call it. I don't like how humiliation never ends now. You know, these poor kids coming up, it's just like somebody gets kicked in the balls and gets shot with a fucking B.B. gun in his dick, somebody films it, OMG, epic fail Dick Beeby fucking video. And then it's just on the Internet forever. And the guy's 35 years old.
He's got a drinking problem and he's looking at this girl, he Phil Sparks for the first time in years. He goes to talk to her. And right as things are going good, somebody yells at that fucking epic fail dick guy.
She's like, Oh, my God, is that you? I remember that. Then a chunk of your helmet get taken off. What the fuck, right? It just never know. Humiliating humiliation never ends. Never fucking ends. I don't know what I'm talking about this week.
Does it matter? I don't think it matters this week because Hayden Perry is going to reinjure mosquitoes to fight disease. OK, are you going to rewire them? Are you going to rewire everything else on the fucking planet? So it's all compatible? Are you just going to fuck with that, Hayden? And. I don't get it. You know what it is, this guy, I don't even think he fucking believes in it. He is. He's corporate owned.
He's corporate owned. This is what they're going to do. They're going to own the reengineered mosquitoes, OK, and that when they bite you, they make you stronger. And then they also they go out and they choke out all the other mosquitoes, but you can only get them from them. And then what they do on the back side is they make the regular ones that aren't reengineered. They reinjured near them to make them even more lethal.
All right, because that way, you know, the way mosquitoes reproduce, it's just like this and everybody's going to want to buy your mosquitoes, you know, it'll be this endless supply and demand for the supply that you can just fucking they live like rabbits. It makes sense to me the fuck my 15 minutes said, Jesus, it's getting deep this week. All right. Still little advertising here, and they'll tell you about a story about a rabbit, I think is going to be all animals this week.
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All right, back to the podcast, the last night I'm doing this standup show, I'm doing a show where I stand up and. You know, I'm trying to find a parking spot. And I do I'm going to take you through every minute fucking painful detail of this, you know, I put it in reverse. I look in the camera and I realize I'm a little bit in the red, so I pull it up a little bit. But then there's a Mustang in front of me, an old one looks like a sixty seven or sixty eight.
Am I go. I want this guy to feel like I don't respect his car. So I backed up a little bit more, realizing that I'm mostly in the unpainted area. So I guess legally I'm OK. So they decide to get out the driver's side door.
OK, I lead with my left leg rather than swinging my right over, sorry, I get out of the fucking car and I'm walking up the street. You know, I'm trying to think what I'm going to talk about when I go on stage and look over and there's this fucking rabbit. Sitting outside this apartment, a rabbit, this isn't a wild rabbit, this is a domesticated rabbit. What do I know? Because it's not afraid of me. It's just sitting there looking at me like, you know, what's going on.
Like, it's just chillin on the porch and it's fat. It's a fat fucking rabbit. Like, you know, it's eating human food rather than the held gravity. What are they eat a carrot, at least the cartoon ones do do the carrots. It's not as much of carrots in the wild. Lettuce, grass, I don't know what the fuck the squirrels. I bet they'll find that out one day that they actually every once in a while eat squirrels like, you know, for the longest time when they thought, like chimpanzees were vegetarians.
And then they found out that every once in a while they go on a hunt and they kill a monkey. Fucking chimpanzees, I hate them, I hate those motherfuckers. OK, fuck mosquitoes. Or you bite me and I get a fever, I get a rash and I feel like my bones are going to break and then I, you know, I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm hot, I'm dead. It's over. All right. I would much rather have that than to have some fuckin royte it out fireplug jump on me, rip my face off, pull my nuts off and twist my foot off.
I would much rather, you know, I'm going to bleed out quicker. They're going through the hell of that dengue death, whatever the fuck it is. I would rather go through that. Oh, my God, those fucking creepy long chimp fingers. You know, fuck and grab and right under your chin, like you're some mass wrestler and he's going to reveal your identity, just fucking rip your goddamn face back.
Oh, my God. Oh, shit, I forgot this. I forgot this, I got to look this up right now, you know what, I was in New Mexico recently.
Visiting a high school friend. And hang on a second. The fuck was her name and I was in this. This restaurant. What is it, Broncho Bouzar? I can't remember a fucking name, God damn it, Bill, you stink, I mean, this Italian restaurant, right? And they got all these fucking. There it is, Gina Broncho Booza, so they got all these Italians on the wall, like the old ones, you've always had Frank Sinatra and all the old Tito Puente on all the big Italian TV.
Plenty of Latino.
I don't give a fuck all the classic ones you've heard of. Who's the girl there was staring at the other girl.
She was trying to be the hot whore. And then the other girls, her tits were hanging out even more. She's given a massage. Sophia Loren. So feel around, you know, all these Italians, right? Beautiful people, right? And then they just had some obscure ones. So. I see one. And it's this woman in tights. Her knee, her name is Gina Broncho Booza, and I start reading the story.
And basically, she was a female wrestler, hugely fuckin popular, and her big thing was how she got into wrestling.
She was like five foot five, like two hundred, ten pounds. OK, we're talking fourth and goal here. Low center of gravity, she puts that show Iron Head Hayward. With the pussy, OK, that's disgusting, but it's true. So anyways, her big claim to fame was that she choked a fuckin cow to death with her thighs. Now, to me, that just sounds like some vaudeville, like step right up, step right up, so you don't want to jump the counter that with the thighs if you can survive.
But one minute we will give you this anvil, whatever the fuck you want back then. But anyways, that was her claim to fame to get into into wrestling, so she went around barnstorming around the country and she won all these matches. If she became hugely popular, big time fan favorite. She would do all these benefits for charity and whatnot.
So one day, this is how little we knew about animals back then, they decide to raise money for charity that they would have Jeno Broncho Booza wrestle. An old baboon from the zoo, its old toothless baboon, didn't have its teeth. Have you ever seen anything on baboons? Like baboons have teeth like a fucking lion. There are obviously one gene we can just stop staring at their rainbow bookclub ass and just look at its fucking teeth. I mean, this thing could literally bite your fucking head off, but the babble was old and it didn't have any teeth, what could go wrong?
So they bring the fucking baboon down. I don't know if I had a little silk wardrobe or what in a robe like fucking. Greg, the Hammer Valentine, who knows, I don't know what it had, maybe had his monkey hair all fucking slicked back and dyed platinum. I don't know what what it's going to, but Jean is going to wrestle this thing. So Jean is already in the fucking ring. This whole story is on the wall at the restaurant.
I can't believe I didn't take a picture of it because there's really very little about this on the Internet. So. She's fucking white and they take a banana, they put it on the stool in the rink. OK, now the monk, the baboon, old toothless baboons in the ring with this gene of Broncho Booza Volusia. If you're trying to look it up. And I don't know what happened. She starts, I don't know, made some sort of aggressive move towards the fucking baboon, the baboon jumps on her and just snaps her neck and she's dead within the first fuckin five seconds of the match.
And the promoter was like, oh, my God, freaking out saying something ridiculous, like.
Basically, how would I know that that would have happened? How would you know that that would have happened? Well, while. Baboons have the strength of like, what, five men? You know, I don't know if you've noticed, baboons don't really like you know, you don't ring a bell and then they stop. That's the end of the round baboon.
You know, if you start tapping out like, oh, all right, you, me, you know, turn your head around.
You know, it does not stop. And you can't tap out with the baboon. Baboons do not have a fucking what, a ten minute time limit that they don't fight like that. They have a fight to the death. All right, you're coming in there trying to raise money for emphysema, that thing's coming in there like, oh, a fucking blood sport here. I don't have any teeth. What's the next thing I do? I'm going to fucking turn your head around like The Exorcist, even though I never saw the movie.
And even if I did, I don't even know if it would register, you know? You bet cheetahs are afraid, are afraid of baboons. But Babou comes over like, get the fuck out of my territory, Cheater's, for the most part I like or Leprince maybe it's even a leopard, an even bigger cat. I don't know what. I don't know, but I would tell you to look up the story of Gina Broncho Booza, but there's really nothing on here other than in that restaurant and they kind of had the whole fuckin story.
If I ever go out to New Mexico again, I'm going to go to it's an Italian restaurant. Or if somebody lives out there. Jesus Christ, why don't we use technology, please take a picture of the story, it's on the wall and please send it to me and we'll put it up on the podcast page because it's fucking unreal. You know, it's funny was when I read it, all I thought about was this is like. This is something like fuckin Joe Rogan.
You know, I should have sent the story to him, he could have done a fucking hour of this on on his podcast with all his knowledge of animals and ultimate fighting.
Who the fuck would get into a goddamn ring? Who the fuck would get into a ring with a with a baboon, like, I guess, you know, they're really there was no Discovery Channel. And that's the honest thing, like I wouldn't know anything about I wouldn't know anything about baboons if it wasn't for basic cable, you know, and I wouldn't have known that that woman got a face fucking ripped off if it wasn't for, you know, the instant news shit, I wouldn't know anything.
All I would know about would be the guy up the street with fuckin seven toes, I would just know that country shit. But anyways, if you get a chance, you know, look it up, there isn't much information on it, but so there you go.
It's been all about animals so far, hasn't it? The Animal podcast. Oh, anyway, so I'm there looking at this fat fucking rabbit.
And it's just sitting there and it was. Nighttime, I it really disturbed me the way it was just sitting there, not looking out for coyotes, not looking out for a house. I actually played out in my head this awful scenario of a cat slowly coming up to its stocking it. You know, when the rabbit looking right at the cat, the cat having this weird sort of this motherfucker sees me, doesn't he?
You know, the lovely Nia, everybody.
So I'm telling the story, I saw this rabbit sitting outside a house last night, a house rabbit, a fat bunny, Froot Loops at the dining room table, house rabbit.
And it just really disturbed me because it didn't know any better. It didn't know to be scared. It wasn't scared of me. It wasn't looking a real fucking. Yes, that's that's what I'm saying. It's domestic. What you come down here to get on the podcast, maybe we'll grab yourself a microphone there. Lady, you got to plug yourself in. So anyways, I the chords are over there. We've been through this. I'd hit pause on this thing, but I don't know how to do it, and it always ends up shutting off and then I have to splice it together and then something happens where?
Oh. I don't know. So anyways, hey, you guys, have you ever you ever got to make a pot roast in a Dutch oven and in the middle of it, you just start drinking beers and you're about four beers in? And you can't remember what time you put the pot roast in, that's what the fuck I did yesterday. So embarrassed, I made I made a tough pot roast. There we go, and she's putting on the windscreen, everybody, and bam, she's in, she's in.
Hello. Hey, did you try any of the pot roast or are you still on your diet?
I did try some pot roast, but I am still on my diet, even though pot roast wasn't to fall off a little bit. I'm back on it for the next well, for a while.
But yeah, in the middle of the pot roast, it tasted all right. Right. The outside got a little tough.
Yeah, well, that's what you get for you know, I don't understand why people when people cook these beautiful meals that you've been cooking lately and they have been beautiful meals, mind you.
You know. Yeah. You have a nice glass of wine. It's like the whole process. Nobody slams for Budweisers in a row while making these beautiful restaurant quality meals. That's a whole. Yeah. You know what? I was stumbling around the kitchen like, oh, oh. I looked it up. Oh, I turned the burner. I did that. I supposed to I was trying to turn up the heat for the potatoes and I had the the roast on simmer.
Yeah. And I turned up the roast one. Hi, and I'm sitting like, why are these fucking potatoes, it doesn't even look like it's getting hot, then all of a sudden I heard my my Oju sauce going, oh, juice bubbling over there.
Fuck the whole thing. Well, you know, it was my OCD kicked in.
I had all those Budweisers left over from the Rose Bowl and they're just taking up space.
You don't know. Oh, you have AIDS. I like you like. Oh, I have OCD. That's why I had to drink all those beers. Well, let me explain. Obsessive compulsive. This is why it's such an excessive compulsive drinking. Now, listen, stands for a disorder.
Let's say, hey, y you know, I had the I just we had like fucking 12. We brought so much beer. I had like like 15 Budweisers in there. OK, it's taken up all that space. So I'm thinking if I drink one a day, you know, I'll knock this out in half a month and I go, what if I have to knock it out seven? And then I was just like, you know, I had them in stacks of two.
And I was just like, you know, I knocked out two and then I had my third one. And I'm like, well, the other one's still sitting there taking up that space, so knock that one up.
You could have put them on the bottom shelf like way in the back, though. There's there's ways you could have I could have just rent them all that I could have bought a bigger fridge.
I could have bought a bigger fridge, Rosebowl was awesome this year, we did have a tragedy, though, and I can't name the name, but somebody got a little too drunk. Mm hmm. I was walking towards I don't know what always happens every year we get absolutely fucking hammered. And then we all just all of a sudden we just notice we're the only ones in the parking lot. And then that's when it clicks that the game's about ready to start.
So then we are the golf course, which is the parking lot, and we. We just walk into the stadium sort of together and then get separated and then come back together again like a band that worked out its differences, you know, and when we got to our seats.
Only three of us made it and there was some other guy. Now I remember what his face was saying. Yes, someone so lost his ticket. I get the fuck out of here and they didn't get in. And then some other douchebag comes up and sits in my buddy's seat, were like three drunk aggregate. When you get that ticket, it's like a bar.
But at first he said he bought it for twenty five bucks. Then they told somebody else he bought it for 50. He the pickpocket the thing or he found it on the fucking ground. But at the end of the day it's you know, it's on my body got too hammered.
That's why I always buy the ticket holder every year. Mm hmm.
It's like, you know, when you put a toddler on a leash so you can't run away from you. That's right. That's what I do. I put the ticket in there, put it around my neck, and then I commence drinking like I'm still gonna call Nadya.
So she stays there, stays there. You don't have a problem. Feel your neck getting tugged. You know, somebody's trying to steal it, right?
You know, you can even put it like underneath your shirt if you're worried about people, you know, getting funny ideas.
Yeah, but I'd get so drunk, I would think I lost it. Like, where is it where I can't breathe. So I now we had a great time, though, you were getting jealous when you saw all that food that we were cooking, I had the ribs up. Yeah.
You guys throw down like it's it's some sort of like food tailgating competition. You know, it's like this. Did you tell them did you tell your podcast listeners what was on the menu, this extensive tailgating menu?
Oh, we had short ribs. We start at the beginning. What is the beginning?
All right. 9000 fucking Budweisers are we had breakfast with lamb sausage. We got this great bludge in my neighborhood. So we went over there and literally put in an order that we had to pick up. Two days later, a lot of animals died on this day.
People we had lamb. But you were very organized about. It's not like you just went to Ralph's and just grabbed a bunch of cheap meat, like you went to the butcher, the bastard. Pretty much the only butcher in our neighborhood. Yeah. And put in orders.
He had lamb, sausage, goat cheese factor. Yeah. All right. So that was breakfast. OK, it's not that's the greatest omelet I have every year.
Yeah. Sitting there, I got a Rose Bowl ticket around my neck and I'm like beer in my hand.
Exactly. And an omelet in my mouth. I know all that guy's shit that is just lampooned now.
It's just fucking considered silly if you enjoy that. Like this is America. It is. It's fucking great. And until you've had a fucking omelet on New Year's Day on a golf course outside the Rose Bowl, go fuck yourself. It was a tremendous. And that what's his face? We had we had Kobe beef, hot dogs, which I just found out Kobe beef is the reason why it's so soft as they treat it like veal. So I got to be done with that shit now.
Oh, so now you're not going to you're not going to eat that anymore. Yeah, you're very you're anti veal, so.
Yeah, I don't mind fucking just walking up to a cow and blowing its brains out that I don't know.
That's part of nature. Somebody's got you.
That's all right. But to stick them in a fucking cage like and so they can't move so the meat's more tender to just torture it like that, you know.
Right. Yeah. I mean, it's unnecessary. It already tastes delicious. It's doing the fucking job. It's filling up my belly, you know, let it walk around. Can you let it walk around.
And then we had the ribs, we had the ribs and with his fucking his his rub in the mop and it was just it was the shit. And then we had the mini apple pies baked by you. Yeah. And then they ate my little Clayface. Yeah. And then we got the best compliment.
We heard people next to us whispering go see. They're doing it right. They got pies. Yeah that's right motherfucker. I know who brings individual pies. We used to be that I used to back in the day when I used to go to the Patriots games, when I had season tickets in 1989, we used to fucking show up with a keg of beer and a bag of chips and we'd be sitting out there. Those people are doing all right.
We just get absolutely annihilated here and back. And I swear to God, that's that's that's accurate. We would we would have a half barrel. We had a half barrel beer and we would be doing keg stands because we were morons, literally, like counting.
One, two, three. Doing that shit is all these adults were looking at us like some were repulsed. And then there was other people who did that when they were our age. So they were just sitting there with half a smirk, probably betting which one of us was going to puke first. Yeah, I did. One time puking after a keg stand is the most refreshing way ever to puke.
I've never done a keg stand before.
It's so it's so cold when it comes back out. Usually when you. What is he do exactly. Well I guess a keg stand usually is you supposed to do like somebody holds you up upside down, literally up.
OK, and so we weren't doing that, we weren't doing well.
What's the point of being upside down as you get more fucked up that way because they're all disoriented now it's one of those things where you're young and you think I'm drinking beer, I'm crazy, I'm away from my parents. What could make this crazier? What if I did it upside down? Yeah, it's stupid.
It's just suburban Dewsbury. Yeah. So I actually never did that. We did a more adult version of Stand, which is basically you just fuck and you turn the tap on and you just we were timing it. It was like the Olympic trials of beer drinking and and as you puked, you were out. Or if you just tapped out, like, I can't do it, I'd start off with ten seconds. And it was completely inaccurate if you would just be gone.
One, two, three, four, four, five. Right. All the way up to ten. If you made it to ten, you win the next round. And I went up to twenty, then went up to thirty, then went up to 40. And you got to think you've already drank for ten seconds and drank for twenty. That's thirty seconds. And I drank for thirty nine, drink sixty and it just keeps going and going and going and we got all the way up one time.
Where I was trying to beat this guy, I and I didn't have a reputation for being able to drink and I just went into this fucking zone and I went head to head with this guy and I just kept making it was like the Cinderella team going through March Madness. And somehow I made it. I made the championship game. It was me against this other guy who had a fucking iron stomach and.
I ended up I ended up losing is what I did, but it was one of the great pukes of my life because it was just ice cold. It was like reverse drinking a glass of water, ice cold glass, you know, you puke. It's like acid and it tears up your throat. Yeah, it wasn't. It was just like it just came out, was this in high school? I know I was well, I would think I was in my fifth year of college by then, know out of college.
I was twenty one when I did that.
OK, so I should have been a junior, but I was still a freshman.
Yeah, I, I drink beer in high school only because I don't drink beer now as you know, because I don't like the taste of it, but I drink it in high school because you know that's what you drink.
Oh that's my running joke with you. High school. I think you'd like this one and I always make sure it's the most hoppy.
Yeah, it's always disgusting. It's so rude. You know how much I don't like beer. I just.
But yeah, I used I would drink it in high school because that's what people were drinking when you would drink in high school.
But then I got on to the the Boone's farm there. You know that she will strawberry wine and wine coolers.
What is it called. Boone's Farm.
It's a kind of wine. It's like really sweet. Really cheap. Yeah, you get it. I like the gas station. We would we would send the hangover.
We yeah. We would send in, you know, like one of the cuter girls to go in there and just kind of like smile and just walk up with, you know, a couple bottles of the big fireman, you know, the nineteen year old or whatever kid behind or just let her buy it and not check her ID because she's hot and she's cute, right?
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Why that thing. Everybody I mean, I'm not I'm not condoning that because I was never I'm jealous but I would, I could be but I always hated it.
But I just did it because that's what you did. You know, I'm jealous of that is what it is, guys. You know, on a certain level, you fucking resent that. Because we don't have the option of being hot and cute and just getting something is coming like that teehee, like a case of beer playing with your nonexistent pigtail, or maybe you're a Steven Seagal ponytail just sort of twisting around.
We are. It is a weird visual.
Let's read some fuckin emails for the week. Pakistani cricket fan. He said, all right, man, this isn't this is important. First podcast of 2003. All right, sorry about that, I fucked thing up, I didn't delete last week's I gotta get a memory card that has a little more memory on it anyways. Hmm. Oh, Jesus. What is this now? All right. It's just gone off the rails here. All right. Pakistani cricket fan starting all over again.
All right, man, this is important. First podcast of 2013, right? This is about cricket, the sport. Don't you stop here now. Come on and bear with me.
OK, so Pakistan and India just had a cricket series. Now, these two guys, they don't like each other, right? Why don't they like each other?
I don't know. I'll be completely honest. You just got what you were like, right? I thought you knew the answer. Now, I don't.
I don't. I'm not I'm not well versed in that, I admit. All right.
It's not my usual shit. They live near each other. All right. Familiarity breeds contempt and they fight over Kashmir. But remember, a few years ago, they were like, I'm going to fucking nuke you and the other guys, like, I do it. We got the bomb. So you don't remember that.
Now, maybe that was a movie I saw anyway. So Pakistan and India just had a cricket series. We are arch rivals and shit not only in cricket, but in everything. I mean, we had the biggest tank wars and shit. Did you? They should make a movie about that and have like 10 white people play you guys and then you guys can get offended. So India had these fucking commercials in which the voice said Pakistan is coming to India and they're faggot cricket player who were like.
Oh, he's saying that I thought they were saying I thought they were saying that in the commercial, it's like, wow, now this gentleman, he's using it.
All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. OK. OK. In which the voice said Pakistan is coming to India and then their cricket player were like, let them come. Now, these Indian cunts are the last World Cup champions and we're ready to fight Pakistan in the ass. Get what happened. Guess what happened? They got fucked big time. Now everything else in Pakistan is shit, as you must know. Just do this, man.
Well, this guy, you know, he is writing a second language, you just do this man and be on my fuckin side. All right, as I approach you first. All right.
Come on, man.
Just tell these you read these things first before you start reading. That's that's what makes it good. Just tell these Indian cunts how bad their cricket team sucks. Oh.
And they can eat a dick or some other clever shit that they say he wants you to trash in the way because he's Pakistani and they have a cricket feud as well as other leagues.
Rape them. Who police rape them?
Yeah, sir. Don't use that word like that. Oh, you know what? You don't understand sports. How'd you like that? Oh, my God. Have you thought you were going to beat Pakistan with the defendant fucking champions with their fraternity paddles hitting that racquetball around the circular field? Well, guess what? You fucking lost. You would think, considering all you guys have 18 fucking kids, you could find a couple of Jordans in there. Right.
And you could repeat, oh, well, you know what? I think next year, Pakistan, you guys should play again and winner takes all of Kashmir. What do you think about that? And you get all the other sides tax. There you go. How was that? Was that all right? It's like, all right, cool, let me go. This is built over.
This was Bilborough trashing anybody else. If you watch obscure sports and you guys win a game, I'll talk trash about the other fucking person not knowing anything about. I don't even know. I don't even get the game I like you know, I like about cricket, though, is how long it is, you know, when you drink this certain sports that you just going to love you just the cricket a game the people like drink out like that.
It doesn't seem like it seems much more civilized than that for some reason. Why? I don't know why. Because it's foreign.
Wow. And they were like, oh, wait.
They just looked like spiffier. I don't know. They just looked like there's some sort of glass element. Are you thinking about polo? No, I don't. They were all white. I don't know. Pull up.
Pull up an image of people playing cricket. I'm pretty sure I could pull it up. I'm not your secretary. Everyone wears what? You have the laptop in front of you.
Know, listen, this is this is why, of course, they drink. They probably they probably have hooligans. You sit there saying you think it's sophisticated after what this guy wrote, faggot cunt rape. That's all.
That's one. That's all in there. It is. It's that's crickets fans for you. That's not cricket fans. You know what that is? That's sports fans. But sports fans were morons.
Yeah, but I think that more like like something like a rugby, I feel like has more of a hooliganism attached to it.
You know something you would think that for some it would be like cricket is more like, oh, hello. No, you know what? We're going to. Have you ever met a professional boxer or one of those UFC guys?
I guess so. If you meet them. Most of them. I guess so. Yeah, most of them. They're really just mellow. Sure. Kind of. They don't need to prove anything. Right. You know what I mean. Hmm. Maybe it's the fans so way. We're not talking about the rugby players. Maybe the fans are more. I don't know. I you know, I have no idea. I can tell you right now I would keep my fucking mouth shut if I ever went to any sort of sporting event in another country unless, you know, I got a candidate's hockey.
I know Hockey's back, by the way. I'm really excited that he's back. Great. All's forgiven. I don't give a fuck. I've accepted it, that it's a part of hockey every fucking five, six years. I have no idea what you're talking about.
I know you don't. Usually all's forgiven. What's forgiven?
The strike. They went on strike. Oh, you notice you've been able to watch way more Real Housewives this time this year. You know, so much away, more hope that if somehow in a fucking secretive way become a Nix fan because they never show the Celtics because we stink. So they're always showing the Knicks. And I just I'd love their team. OK, I fucking love that team. Did you see that Joe Smith, that dunk he had on that alley oop with a guy threw it too low and he caught it down by his nuts and just with one hand, just fucking throw it.
It was one of the most vicious things I've ever seen, even probably as vicious as that baboon snap, that wrestler's neck back in the fifties. All right. Innocent deer in headlights. Hey, Bill, love the show. I'll start from the beginning, but I'll be quick. I know people you know I can't read, so let's just get right to the fucking point.
Yeah. Did you did you ever read aloud in class?
I hated it. Yeah. I hated get at it. I would be like trying to count ahead how many people and then try to guess which paragraph. And I always start looking over it before he got to it.
You know, when I was in the fourth grade one time I had to read out loud and I got in my head and I was like going like, I'll just read the first couple sentences. The way I did it was like, love the show. I'll start from the beginning.
Oh, and I finished. I finished it. I wasn't baby. I wasn't a I was in fourth grade. I should have been able to read shit had Bill.
So when I finished reading the paragraph the teacher went like before, you know, I was like I was so fucking relieved that it was over and I was just waiting for her to call in the girl sitting behind me for her, you know, Jennifer read the next paragraph. And when I finished there was just silence. And then the teacher said, I didn't understand one word.
He said, Oh, did anybody else understand what he said? Oh, no. Nobody said if she made me go back and reread it.
I was like, love, love the show. My choking back tears. Oh, start from the beginning.
It's back in the 70s when you could be mean to people. Oh, that's terrible. Is it me or is he too fucking stupid to be in this grade? You poor thing.
That's not nice. It's not nice. It's fucking hilarious. I don't get it. She called me out on it. I deserved it. What I should have done was viewed it as a challenge and gone home and just walked around the house reading out loud while you're in fourth grade, your brain doesn't work like that.
Listen, you're never too young to start man up instead. I accepted defeat and I. I don't know, I never got that two things happen to me that year that were fucking brutal, they had the reading out loud and getting trashed for it.
And then they did this thing called was it called sound spelling? OK, you know, you learn how to read in first grade. Yeah, you progress in the second grade, you learn how to spell and all that, all that shit for a second. Third. OK, it's still fresh in your head. Don't take it out of the oven. It's still all doughy. You know what these fucking idiots do? They introduce sound spelling in the fourth grade.
And it's basically, I guess, phonetic spelling is what its proper name, like where you spell cat cat. And they started going through all of these words that I just learned how to spell within the last couple of months to a couple of years. And they started put in case where there was CS and all this shit and I never recovered.
Never recovered. Why would they do that, though? Why would they? Because I don't get it. They thought that it would help with something. Hmm. Why would they why would they do that? Why would they put fluoride in toothpaste? Why would they do that when it slows your brain down and makes you just kind of, you know, hey, man, these dreams are coming true. But now. All right, look at these white teeth.
You know, I don't know what I'm talking about ever. Just know that no doubt about this. But I don't know what I'm talking about. Ever the Monday morning podcast. That's your tag. That's it. All right. Innocent deer in the headlights. All right. Push away that fourth grade. But I.
No, no, it's good. Do you want me to read it for you?
Hey, if that guy who played Darth Vader's voice can get over stuttering, I can do this. All right. Hey, Bill, love the show. And I'll start from the beginning, but I'll be quick. I am about to graduate college. I met a lady in one of my classes. We talked throughout the semester. Dude, how many times was the moment to get her number coming and going? And you were like, fuck.
And on the last day of class, she offered me her number. There it is. She was probably rolling her eyes the whole semester, like for the love of God.
So I got to drop to my knees.
Where the hell am I? OK, I know. Oh, Billy. Oh, Billy, the middle class we talked for the fuck was I?
I thought she was having a flashback right now.
Did I just make that part up? I can't find it. I met a girl, one in my class. We talked throughout the semester last night class. Just me. No, I thought she was pretty cool.
And went and went out with her later that week, she came up no, she came and met me. She came and met up with me. This is fucking torture, just reading. Oh, my God, baby. Fed up with me and my friends at a bar. Things went well and we end up going back to my place.
Oh, Jesus. We start fooling around on the couch and then she gets up and guides me into my room. I was getting nervous because I haven't been with many girls and not entirely sure what to do in this situation. She strips naked and while we are sitting on my bed, she opens her legs to reveal a white string coming out of her laziness. Guys, with the gross details here, I wasn't really sure what it was at the time.
All this guy is he's a fucking.
He's like that. He's like that little fat rabbit sitting outside the the apartment complex.
He didn't know what it was. Well, maybe he was just so disoriented that he just was like, what is that?
There's no there's nothing in a guy's upbringing that says, you know, tells you about the ripcord. You know, that's just something you just learn.
It's one of the few things like, you know, back in the day I was told to learn about, like the whole reproductive system, like it's literally like half an hour, not even half an hour, maybe a ten minute part of your lesson about the reproductive system.
And if they if they didn't have that, they didn't have that when I was growing up. But I can guarantee you in those classes, they never say, hey, and if you ever trying to bang some chick who's on the rag. Right, right. Of course, if you see that little string coming out that I mean, you're trying to bang a girl and turns out she's on the rack.
You know why? But the thing is, she knows she's having her period. So why is she. Well, you know what she's going to do? Either she's going to want to either she's going to want to bang and say it's not a heavy flow day or she's going to take it in there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's that be.
All right. Let's just this is getting gross. This is like really graphic.
It's very graphic because I wasn't really sure what it was at the time. I would have loved if you said what you thought it might be. She was down there. I told her exactly what I was thinking.
And he said this is what he said, this is classic, he says she said that naked with the legs spread and he goes, there's a white thing, dot, dot, dot there.
She told me that it was a tampon. Yeah. And that she was on her period. She said it was fine and still wanted to have sex. I got really weirded out, not grossed out. I got really weirded out. So I told her that maybe we should wait. She told me there are other ways I called it I was still or maybe even further freaked out by this girl, so we just went to sleep.
Keep in mind that this this is the first night we ever hung out. Yeah. Why did you let her stay there? Did I do the right thing? Should I meet up with her again or is she crazy? I don't know. I don't know. Thanks a lot and go fuck yourself.
Well, huh? I'm confused. Did I do the right thing by not sleeping with her? Yeah, by not having anal sex with her.
Is that whatever or just plowing through the fucking storm? If you didn't feel confident, if you didn't feel comfortable with it, then you shouldn't have such a thing.
A captain on a ship are just going through the waves.
Captain, you're crazy. I got to make you a fag. Sorry you put that word in my head.
Who did that fucking guy over there? I never say the F word. Yeah, I say fuck. I don't say faggot. I try to take it out. They they told me to knock it off and I'm trying.
I respect it. You do knock it off. So I said right. Yeah. You know. Yeah.
I'm not trying to be a dick here, but for the longest time you called somebody a fag and had nothing to do. It just meant you were a pussy. We didn't know what we were saying. I know you fucking faggot. So we get it. We got it. I'm just saying.
So anyways, Bellbird trying to knock it off. I'm trying. The thing is, you're so sometimes you're so I don't know InnoCentive the right word, but sometimes you are. You're so dumb. You're so. Yeah. You're so dumb about like the offensiveness that you grew up with.
You're always like what. Everybody you're so defensive about it for so long. Yeah. But you know something because it's like you honestly don't know any better because yeah. You're dumb. And then finally enough people explain it to you. Now you are a human being. You have a heart and you're sensitive. So you're like, oh OK. All right, I won't say any more Jesus fucking Christ. Like that's the attitude you have about it. It's like you want to be a good person.
You're like you're angry that you have to let go of this part of your past where people just said fag to each other and it was like, hey, that's what we say.
It's because they go, oh, well, you know, Jimmy Door, the great Jimmy Durante did a show Friday night is so goddamn funny.
He has the funniest fucking bit on that. On, knock it off, why, that's a dumb ad campaign, because it really is like, you know, hey, knock it.
It's really like this parental I don't know, I don't know, saying, oh, that's gay or stuff like that.
Yeah, he's not saying that that's wrong to try and get people to stop doing it. But is that the best way to get people to stop doing it by saying, hey, knock it off like you're driving the car and you're their parent, you're just swinging at them?
I don't want to step on his butt here. Go go see Jimmy Door and request that bit.
So anyway, this young man is saying that I do the right thing by not sleeping with her.
And should I see her again because he has absolutely 100 percent debt. If she wanted to have a straight up vaginal sex, there is not a condom thick enough or all encompassing that would have to take up like you'd have to put it on like underwear, that condom and boxer underwear and then have to all be rubber.
You'd have to put on basically a wet suit that had like a little flappy thing there for your dick. So you did the right thing. Yeah.
He was something he would not have felt comfortable having sex with this girl, was he? If he already was thrown off by the fact that she had a tampon.
And if this girl is a pig, why is she a pig?
Because I don't defend her just because she's a woman.
And I'm asking a question. I'm defending why a pig? Yeah. Why she's paying from her private parts. Yeah, it's just it's just like, let's fucking have at it.
That is so fucking truck stop large Marge shit. All right, give me a fucking break. I'm not trashing all women women.
This woman here is a pig and he probably no protection. OK, could have gone in the back door with this girl. First fucking date. She's a pig. So what do you feel like she wasn't ladylike and respecting herself enough or something? This is what I'm thinking.
You ever see the club everybody wants to go to when there's that long line down the street? Mm hmm. Yeah, that's what has been lining up to her for her fucking private parts.
Have you ever heard of the term slut shaming? Have you heard this term that people is something?
Well, that's one I've never used, so I don't need to knock that off.
I've never heard that and knock it off. But have you heard of slut shaming? No, but I can I can I can guess what it is. Huckabee, the guy does it guys is done. But if a woman does it, she's a whore, right? Exactly.
And that's the truest thing you'll ever fucking read. OK, what is the truest thing that if a woman does it, she is a whore. So you believe in that whole double standard?
That's a fucking lutetium. Why is that exactly. Because you this there's no skill involved with you guys getting laid. All you have to do, hey, is this is a skill based thing. And what defined skill, the skill that you feel like you're presenting, you're getting laid as I know all about your amazing skills. Are you done?
Are you done?
Yeah. For now, we've already had this argument.
We talked about it in a bar one time and I said, OK, let's turn the tables. All right.
Let's pretend that I'm holding the fucking bag of gold and you're coming in trying to get it. OK, hit on me.
Do it right now. Right. Right now I get I'm not good at it. I'm not good at. You know why. Why?
Because it's a skill. When women sit there and they go, oh, my God, guys come up to me and I say the dumbest stuff, and that's all you have to say is a guy. Oh, yeah. What would you say? Go ahead, dazzle me. Come at me with your. Hey baby. What's your sign fucking line. What do you got. Convince me. Hey.
Exactly. Exactly. We have to convince you on stage.
And I thought you were pretty funny. Oh, thanks. So, yeah, and I'll be I'll be I'll be the girl who's going to deliberately make it difficult. I'm not and I'm not good at it. Yeah, I'm not good at hitting on people. That's not my. And you know why that is?
Because you didn't have to do is put on a spaghetti strap dress and be like, oh, did I drop a napkin and you're in the game flirting. I can do. But that's different. That's more like conversational. But no, I'm not going.
I just you have to understand that as a guy, you have to convince a woman to have sex with you. And after you've convinced her, you have to continue convincing her all the way back to the apartment.
You got to keep the plates spinning in any little fucking thing and throw it off.
OK, so because of because of that whole struggle that you poor men have to do in order to get a woman to sleep with you, I can you have so bad for you. So because there is that difference then just no respect.
And then I suppose to expect that that makes it OK to say if a girl is like, hey, let's just, you know, I want to have fun with you, let's let's have sex, all of a sudden she's a slut or a pig and all that. And the guy is like, what, the hero or the more skilled of the two of them?
That doesn't make any sense. I you done. First fucking date, she's sitting there, OK? She wants to have sex, whatever, but you're sitting there with a fuckin bloody rag hanging out here and you don't even know this guy and you just fuckin spreading your fucking legs. And he's like, yeah, there's a thing hanging out of there. And she says, there's other ways. I guarantee you, you know what that girl is. That's the girl.
When you take out the condom who goes, God, I hate condoms.
That fucking girl you have a girl ever says, God, I hate condoms immediately run the other direction, go in the bathroom and rub one out, get that dumb idea out of your fucking and vice versa.
If a guy says, God, I hate condoms or any other way to. Exactly. To keep it fair.
No, no, no. You're right. You're so into women's issues right now. You can't see the trees through the forest. This guy is a fucking pig now. I mean, I know.
I definitely you're right. A girl who has got a tampon and who's spreading her legs and being like, hey, and the guy is like, are you on your what's going on there?
And she's like, hey, there's other ways. Other ways. I mean, I got new friends I like. I guess there's like smoother ways to I don't know, this guy, this guy. I would never do that. I admit that. But I'm not necessarily throwing all bad judgment behind this girl because maybe she was just drunk and she was probably like, oh, shit.
Yeah, this kid is a babe in the woods. Right. He could have been at this point with her after his first class. OK, he hasn't been with a lot of girls. He basically is like, do you ever see that video of those guys who put put a goat in a in a fucking cage with a python?
And it doesn't even know it was horrible. They think that the goat didn't even know what it was, the fucking snakes like. Oh, shit. Yeah, and what literally and like, lick the fucking pythons face kind of freak the thing out, like, whoa, what was that?
And then all of a sudden, by the time it realizes what it's in the cage with, it's fucking over.
So terrible. So this guy is the goat and this girl is the snake and he doesn't realize what he's in and just buy the doll. And the snake played dumb luck by dumb luck. She went to strike and he fucking shook it like fucking hell.
He was just turning into a parable. The goat and the snake. Well, all right. So basically, clearly, this girl has a little to is on a different level than this guy and perhaps he should maybe find a girl go.
This girl probably is at some point of life is going to have the fun pack.
You know, what's what's included in that phone? A little herpes, gonorrhoea, probably some crabs. The starter kit, OK, the starter kit.
You know, before you move on to the more serious shit like weeds, Bola Herbes is forever.
So that's pretty much everything.
That sounds like an advertising campaign for herpes forever.
It's forever Harp's purposes forever.
But don't they have like they have like that medicine you could take and keep it at bay?
Oh yeah. That's what they say in the commercials like and if you have an outbreak, take more or whatever. I don't know. I don't know what they tell you. Yeah. That Coke commercial is just scary.
And it's just like, you know, just because you've taken this ad you don't have an outbreak doesn't mean you can't spread it. Right.
You know, I'm happy.
That makes me feel to be with you that we don't have the herb, but we don't have the herb to worry about that. It's forever, right. Those things. When I was single, they scared the fucking shit out of me. And I remember then I hear stuff like, even if you wear a condom, that's not 100 percent. I was just. Oh, my God. Yeah, I got yes, she is on my fingers.
She's she's a this is not it doesn't seem like this is the girl for you.
She might be a little to advance when you stop alligator armon it. This might not be the girl for you. She's a little too advanced. This woman is a fucking war pig.
You're all right Dana. I'm not. I'm trying to be like tender and, you know, nice. You know what? Alligator Armin's.
You don't watch sports. No, I don't. You know what I really don't appreciate when I come down here and having this conversation with you and you want to throw these little sports things at me and you always you always say, oh, you don't watch sports. You you get the sports thing. Like you have to like, remind me that I'm not on the same level as you like. So I'm not going to get all your amazing sports references and terms and phrases.
And I appreciate that.
Can you guys believe that within ten minutes of just going on this rant about how dumb I am and how innocent I am with using the word fag and I don't even have like an innocent heart, but you're dumb and you just respond with rage the whole way.
You made me this fucking simpleton. You have to be doing everything but fucking, you know, being a big goof, like you're walking on the street like, you know, actually crush somebody to death trying to hug them. That's how you just painted me. You're like, yeah, you're like a myson man. Yeah.
That's how you're painting me within ten minutes of this. You're Lenny and that's how you do. Yeah, that's exactly how you described to me. I was too dumb to know that fucking reference. And then because I aligator arm is OK.
You've seen an alligator, right. Yeah. Do they have long arms now. They do not. They do not.
And it's basically it's a it's a sports term.
So he throws you the ball and you could actually reach out and get it, but you don't totally reach out because you're worried about getting hit. OK, so Ali is the alligator Armitt.
It's like, so if you don't catch the ball, the guy can't hit you. Oh, OK. I thought so. I'm saying so your alligator arm and this and that, you're going this girl isn't the girl for you but blah blah blah. He's in, he's, he's in there with the fucking pit viper.
Right. He's the goat and she's, he is, he is the STD free goat and he is walking into a fucking incubator of just.
I mean, this girl probably I want to get into she's not the girl for you, she's not the girl for you, that's bad advice. Why this girl is a pig and you're never supposed to do about it.
Tell the whole fucking school. I'm just. No, it's not the girl for you move on to somebody else is more your speed. Why is that bad advice?
Because you're acting like, you know, she's not into sports, likes to eat and is a morning person and he likes sports and saying, you know what this person is like, you know, this person isn't for you. I mean, it's like a footy.
It's like it's a simple way of saying that, you know, you should move on.
That's that's all it is. You know, it's like you're sitting there with the toddler and he's about ready to touch a hot stove. You got to be like there has to be a sense of urgency here, like. Like, no, no, no, no, no, this this will hurt you, this will hurt, you know, you make the little fucking and they don't even speak English. You're trying to fucking they can't they can't speak yet.
You're trying to fucking go fuck yourself.
You're sitting here talking to this person like, hey, hey, try some of the sandwich. Yeah. I didn't really like that bread. Well maybe you like this bread like like it's just like this whimsical. There's too many daisies. And what you're saying this is this is a very dangerous situation. This guy should stay away from this girl on all fucking and all girls like this. She's got a she's on her period and she has no fuckin like like class, she just opens a leg like she's supposed to do, pull it out and just go off on it.
There's other ways she's suggesting anal. This girl is like she's a fucking mess. Stay away from this girl. This girl will get pregnant. This girl will give you a fucking disease. This girl will steal your laptop skills.
A fucking nightmare. Knock it off. All right, all right, advice for a lady, dear Bill. I've been with my boyfriend for two years now. We're in college together, and he's currently taking a semester abroad. Oh, Jesus.
Where? In Brazil, before he left, we had a running joke that I was going to need a vibrator. When he left as a surprise parting gift, he got me one. I have a couple of friends whose boyfriends brought them sex toys. So while I was a little surprised he actually got me a vibrator. I also happened to know that it's a relatively normal it's relatively normal for a boyfriend to do that. Yeah, that's basically like this era's chastity belt.
You know, you're trying to lock down the pussy. That's disgusting.
Yeah, but that's what he's doing, though, anyway.
Yeah, but it's done because those things you use them too much, they numb up your area there and then the guy can't even remotely try and you know. Do something for and then you've got to be there banging, banging them as their user or using the thing you know, it's like you in an alien are fucking this girl has this alien.
That's just all. Dick has no body.
All right. Whatever. Let's move on what we're basing it on a piece of my fucking life. I did live a little bit of a life before I met you. I realized that. All right. Anyway, fast forward to about a week ago.
We were on Skype. We asked you to take this thing out. No, we don't have sex chats, thank God. And he casually asked me how his gift for me was working out. I told him it was working out pretty well.
He then mentioned that he had bought something for himself. A fleshlight. Joe Rogan experience has brought to you by the Fleshlight every week are weird.
Those are very weird. Those are very weird. OK. They look like that thing. Boba Fett I fell into when he died. And one of those space movies, well, I knew I to be faithful to her.
That's nice. OK, he said she goes, I knew what this was because I am an avid listener of Joe Rogan's podcast. Here you go. Joe Robins come up three times on this podcast who raves about it constantly.
My boyfriend had never mentioned to me that he was interested in anything like that, and I always thought the idea of it was totally creepy. I acted like it was totally cool. But in all honesty, I really don't want him to be. Fucking a perfect fake. Wait, I got lost in that, I actually was thinking, is Joe going to get mad that I'm saying that this is weird? OK, I acted like it was totally cool, but in all honesty, I really don't want them to be fucking a perfect fake vagina, whatever he wants to.
I'm finding myself getting crazy, jealous and angry whenever I think about it. I know. I know. I'm jealous of an inanimate object, which seems insane. Let me finish. I'm really struggling with this because part of me wants to be completely OK with it, since it's sort of a hypocrite. It's sort of hypocritical to get angry when he got me a vibrator.
But now I'm starting to think that maybe he only bought me a dildo so I wouldn't be able to complain when he got himself a proxy pussy proxy pussy.
So what do you think? Do I need to suck it up and get over this, or is my jealousy legitimate? Thanks. And go fuck yourself.
Let go fuck is fake pussy. As long as he's not faking a real pussy, I mean fucking a real pussy, then you know, it's all good. Plus you. It's not just like the pussy that it's that he's missing. He's also missing, like, you know, your touch and kissing and the whole other part of it too. And that fake pussy cat. Oh am I there?
No, he isn't. He's getting right to the desert. Don't be. Have you tried these brussel sprouts don't need them. Don't be jealous. Bring over the trace later. When he comes back, it'll be even better because you both have been, like, doing it with inanimate objects. And so I don't think rediscovering each other all over again will be even better.
I don't think I don't even I don't think it's a good thing. Why? Because once you start down a path sexually. Mm hmm.
You know, in order to get off that path, you don't just jump over onto another path. You've got to walk all the way back up the path you went down, get to the fork where you fucked up and then head down the other one. What I'm saying is he might get used to just doing that. Mm hmm. And the sensation of that is what gets him off. And then when her pussy doesn't feel like the flesh light, you don't feel better.
He'll he'll bang her.
And then and then when he needs to finish, she'll be like, oh. And now for me, I want that fucking thing now.
Now she'll feel even better. If anything, he'll be like, oh my God, I forgot what a real woman feels like. And he'll be done in like two minutes. That's what you hope. I don't think she should be jealous of it, though. They're both they're both doing the right thing when you're in a relationship and you're that far apart from each other because you do, I bang all sorts of hairy European girls. No offense to her European girls, but I'm just saying, you know, listen, I watch this thing one time or listen to it on the radio.
I'm one of those calling sex shows. And this guy. Had to put away, he jerked off a dry, humped the rug. It was causing like chafing on his deck, but it was the only way he could get off because he wasn't in a relationship for a while and he kept doing that. And I don't know. So I'm just saying, like, I would go easy on us. It's like anything anything in moderation. Yeah. How often is he using this and how often is she using that?
If you use a vibrator too much, you numb yourself up down there.
And then when you guys down there, you can't feel anything. It's so disgusting, overrated, underrated for the week, overrated.
The Super Bowl, underrated rounds one and two of the NFL playoffs. Bill, this may be sacrilegious to say in America, but I actually enjoy rounds one in two of the NFL playoffs more than the Super Bowl. That isn't sacrilegious because at no point does Beyoncé or Britney Spears. Sing before in the halftime show, there's not a bunch of douchebags who don't like football showing up feeling like they have to be there, you know, all the broads.
Why do you. Yeah, why are you looking at me? Because you go to Super Bowl parties every year and you hate football.
Yeah, well, they're fun. They're nice gatherings and they talk when the game's on.
I know I don't run yapped when the most important game is on. It's disgusting.
If you do it again this year, we're breaking up each week you get two games both on Saturday and Sunday. There seems to be that we can win this thing, excitement in the air and I can relax and watch the games in the comfort of my home or at a local bar without dozens of non fans in the room, as is typically the case of a Super Bowl party.
The Super Bowl, on the other hand, has become so pretentious in recent years, I don't even really want to get worked up for it as much as I used to. The game takes forever. Eighty five percent of the commercials sucks, and we're forced to stare at Madonna's feet up face for thirty minutes to an hour and a half time show. Plus, the two week gap in between the Super Bowl and the conference champion really takes the air out of the sails.
What are your thoughts? I think this is what you do.
You watch the Super Bowl alone and you tape it. And you start watching it, you DVR it, and you watch, you let you give the game a 90 minute head start. And then then you just sit down, you watch it by yourself and you plow through the pregame and you just watch the fucking game and when the halftime show comes, you fast forward to that.
And now you're into the third quarter and third quarter, fourth quarter. It's going to be regular time football. That's the way to watch the Super Bowl. And you watch it by yourself, maybe with another body of yours who that enjoys the game. That's how I would do it. You know, no thoughts on that. No, but what about the social aspects? You are going to have brownies during the open and have Cheez Doodles. Oh, my God.
The way the broads talk during that fucking game and out. And then and it's true. Women who like and then everybody shuts up to watch the commercials and then and then the game comes back on. The little one was lame. What did you think?
Well, that's definitely the best one so far. How much did that cost?
Well, why don't you start going to Super Bowl parties then, Bill? Why don't you stop if you don't like the game? I don't do any of that stuff that you're talking about. I don't I don't like needlepoint. I don't go to your fucking needlepoint. I don't want to needlepoint. I don't do that.
What do you do? Arts and crafts. I don't crash your Super Bowl or those things and come there and talk when you're trying to glue the popsicle sticks together and then shut the fuck up.
When I don't talk throughout the game, I go in the other room. All right. Hang out with other people. Lies, lies, lies.
Yeah, no, that's OK. That's the Monday morning podcast. Oh, before I get out of here, don't think that's a practice like no would really place or you to come with it thanks to the bone or whatever like oh my darling Clementine Beholders Hall. When you tell them what is this time, I hope it's all go to heaven. It's like the old time old number seven still takes when you taste with the Coca-Cola mechanistically wasted on the Motorola Akula.
No credit for back if you want to. They got them. It is OK. Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy Boxtel. Keep your attitude or self destruct. So like no one wants to keep Caspa Telefunken broke Tom. So like you just happy to sing classical slapstick rapidly chapstick. A lot of them saw my in Italian. So. So that was something to remember. Like the Alamo Taleo. I talk like space back for five years later.
Say same. Same. Magnetic field, a black hole, a biological clock. When I hear this letter to the senator, I call to boost our use of pure bred a water filter to keep a keep a black woman to a front right wing. I'll never see the shit again. But he's still my only thing to come between us is the money. So runs like dogs and cats, but tell about the Brookton. Swifties. You've be taking out your stock of.
Works like this. Thanks to. I have a 13 year. You know what he to say on the record? I don't know if potatoes, applesauce, buttery biscuits and not get lost.
Yes, yes, yes. Stock market down.
You got him, I got your Abdul.