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[00:00:00]

Hey, what's going on is Bill Bird, it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you, seeing how you do it and getting through our guests are you're going to get solar panels.

[00:00:19]

I looked up one goddamn thing on solar panels and then everything that I look at on the Internet now to the side has. You know, solar panels, you know, unfortunately, one of my great friends in life passed away this week and I was looking up some flowers, a floral arrangement for him. So I can't go back to the funeral with all this fucking covid shit. And as I'm sitting there fighting back tears, trying to find a New England Patriot floral arrangement for my buddy, that I'm getting a fucking advertisement for solar panels on the side, like like that's what I'm thinking about, you know, lost one of my great friends.

[00:00:57]

But, you know, I really could be be a little more responsible the way I'm using the energy around my house.

[00:01:04]

Fuckin relentless, relentless advertising.

[00:01:08]

Yeah. So the great Wayne Previdi, I met him on my third stand up show ever.

[00:01:18]

We were at this bar called Keli's in North Reading, Massachusetts. At that point, it was my third my first spot, I did a, you know, a talent show find Boston's funniest college student at Nick's comedy Stop. That was my first one. Then I did the open mic night. It's now defunct Stiches Comedy Club. And I did OK on both of those. And then. Then I did Keli's and I was the first time I ever bombed, and I remember as Jack Lynch, it was his room and I was supposed to do like five minutes and I got to like two and a half minutes and not making anybody laugh.

[00:02:05]

And I literally sat on the mic. I said, Jack, I'm bailing on bailing. And all the comics went like they didn't want me to quit.

[00:02:15]

I don't know what the fuck is in my throat right now. Is that the Pallan?

[00:02:21]

So anyway. He ended up going up that night, it was the first time I saw him and I don't know what it was, I just became friends with them and threw all the fucking ups and downs of this business, you know, living in the same cities, living on opposite coasts. I just never lost touch with the guy. We always fucking called each other and just talk sports and all of that and.

[00:02:46]

Yeah, man, I cannot I was one of the big. You know, as many friends as I lost was a huge shock and, yeah, I'm just going to miss them. That's all I can say. I'll tell you a great I'll tell you a couple of great Wayne Previti stories like this one is not my story. This is actually one that my clerk from Giggles told me. So anyways, millions in Leny were in San Diego. And they were doing a charity golf tournament.

[00:03:16]

And, you know, knock the old golf ball around or whatever, and then, you know, they look at the Patriots schedule and lo and behold, they're playing the San Diego Chargers at fucking Jack Murphy Stadium.

[00:03:28]

So they go, well, they're playing tomorrow. Why don't we just hang around? We'll go to the games. They say, yeah, go ahead, call.

[00:03:32]

So, you know, the clerks are fucking royalty in Boston. You know, they hit up Bob Kraft, Robert Kraft, and he goes, yeah, fucking come on down. Watch it in my my owner's suite.

[00:03:45]

So they go down into that fucking dump of a stadium that they never fuckin repaired, but the Chargers still shouldn't have left. I mean, how nice does it have things? The feels nice. What the fuck are you bitching about?

[00:03:58]

Still don't understand that move. Still do not understand that move, but anyway, that's how sports franchises are, lets you buy me a new stadium once every 30 years. We're going to fucking leave, although that was 50.

[00:04:13]

So anyway, so they go to the game and they are sitting there, they're watching the game. And it's always the charges probably had a chance to beat us and then for some reason took a dumb penalty or whatever dumb shit that they did. So they're watching the game. And all of a sudden, Mike notices Robert Kraft with a big smile on his face and kind of laugh.

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And he's like, what are you laughing at? He goes, look at that.

[00:04:37]

He goes, look at that and say, What a fucking guy. So I would say he goes, look at that guy over there. And they looked into the crowd and there was this, like lone Patriot fan going nuts with a bunch of Charger fans around. And he didn't give a shit. And Robert Kraft was laughing, go look at that guy.

[00:04:54]

We need fans like this guy. These guys are crazy, right? So Mike looks down and he sees and he goes, holy shit, I know that guy. And it was Wayne Previdi. And he had gone to the game, I think, with one or two of his other friends. And he was he was going so fucking nuts cheering the Patriots that the owner of the Patriots spotted him in the crowd. So Mike ends up yelling down he goes way when he turns around and he's like, Hey Mike, are you doing?

[00:05:19]

He goes, Come on up, come on up. King goes up there and he meets Bob Kraft and he's just like you, just the same way I did. He just fucking love the guy because you're such a great fan. We need more fans like you.

[00:05:33]

And Wayne is always was totally humble and was just talking the Patriots and, you know, and then within like five seconds or whatever minute of talking to him, he was is such a fan that he doesn't give a shit. I mean, he cares that he's meeting Robert Kraft, but he's right back into the game and continue to go nuts in the owner's suite like he was sitting in the crowd. And I just know that Robert Kraft just seemed like he had the same feelings about, you know, that same vibe that he put out.

[00:06:05]

And Wayne, of course, being Wayne, you know, didn't fucking try to get Robert Kraft's. No, never hit him up for tickets. Didn't try to pitch him a fucking patriots' reality show. You know, it's just how he was and.

[00:06:20]

I don't know, I actually drove around Hollywood looking at all the places that we hung out all the gyms, you know, I was a member of a couple of gyms with him. The only time I ever put up to five of my life, which was a big thing for somebody who came of age in the 80s. She wanted to have the two fucking plates, the 240 fives on each side. Right. And his thing is he wanted to put up, what is it, three fifteen?

[00:06:45]

Because he goes when you had three plates, that's when the bar starts to bend a little bit. So, you know, now my shoulders paid for all of that, but. We used to have a great time down there, we used to go to the Frolich room, there was a sports bar called Big Wangs. They used to be on Kohanga. It's now, I think, moved up to know how he was a staple there at the Laugh Factory.

[00:07:10]

Just. All of these places I just went around and visit, I drove by this bar, I remember one night I moved off to this guy. I mean, this guy got into it.

[00:07:19]

And one of those guys that looks like he's your size until he stands up. And the fucking guy was like an oak tree. And I was like, oh, boy, swing once and cover.

[00:07:28]

But wait, like a fucking pit bull jumped right up. Wayne was six three guys in between. The two of us backed the guy down and I never forgot that. I mean, that's a big thing if you're buddies, because I don't even know if Wayne would have beat this guy. But like, he was willing to take a fuckin ass kicking for me.

[00:07:46]

And, yeah, I can't I cannot believe I'm absolutely in, like a state of shock. And all I can say is a little public service announcement here for all the guys. Listen, is go to the fucking doctor every year and get yourself checked out. All right? I have lost I. I've lost almost well over 50 people. I mean, I'm also older 52, but like I have lost three friends this year to heart attacks and a stroke and all, you know, late 40s, early 50s.

[00:08:23]

And out of all the comics that I've known, I've known like upwards of 40 comics that have died. Only one has been a woman and she died of cancer. And. Not saying every other guy didn't, you know, died of something preventable, but it seems like half of them, if they went to the doctor, would still be around in their loved ones, would still have them. So, you know, I'm also talking to myself.

[00:08:51]

I'm going to go get the old ticker checked out to make sure I'm all right, because I even had a couple of friends that had my build and either, I don't know, just something genetic or in the family or whatever. But with modern medicine, they go in there, they see what the problem is. And, you know, nine times out of ten, they can fuckin fix it. And your loved ones still have you. So there you go.

[00:09:15]

Take the advice and don't take the advice. But I, you know, feeling this fuckin pain this week, I felt like I had to say something.

[00:09:24]

All right. All right. Rest in peace. Rest in peace. Wayne Previti, a.k.a. Venetia. All right, let's try to spin out of that solar panels death of a friend into NHL playoff hockey. How about those fucking Bruins?

[00:09:52]

About those broads, they end up winning in overtime. I actually I missed every second of the game. I thought the fucking game came on at 11:00 a.m. Pacific Time because it was such a weird time for the game because, you know, Tampa Bay and Columbus said that five overtime Thriller 85 saves.

[00:10:16]

Corpuscle, I mean, just unbelievable, you stop eighty five pucks and you still lose the game like the playoffs. It's just been crazy. So I was taking my daughter out. We've been quarantining with this other family and our daughters. Hang out once a week, so I was over there and then, of course, I start getting all these text messages.

[00:10:43]

You know, did you watching the game, this is fucking unbelievable, blah, blah, blah, and I'm like and I'm looking at my my my watch and was just like, what? What are we talking about? It's fucking ten, thirty in the morning. And then that's what I figured out, that, you know, I don't know, the game started early, but I did watch the. The Tampa Bay Columbus game that I've been keeping up on all of this stuff with my busy home life here, some of the scores around the way way of this podcast sucks, I am a little distracted with all the bullshit that happened in my life for the last couple of days.

[00:11:17]

See, where the hell am I Bruins play again today. Said that that that that that where am I going all the way back to eight, six, eight, four, what is what is what the fucking God damn thing, it's going both ways on me here.

[00:11:35]

Eight, nine, round rock, round one. Here we are. All right. Broun's went four to three.

[00:11:40]

The fucking Calgary Flames keep cruising along with Lou Chih, three to two over the fucking Dallas stars. Lightning beat the bluejackets in five overtimes.

[00:11:53]

Golden Knights beat the Black Hawks who've been hot.

[00:11:57]

Man lost the first game. Bruins obviously just set out double overtime. Bruins Bergeron beat the Hurricanes Caps lose to the Islanders Avalanche three nothing.

[00:12:12]

And then the Flyers, the number one seed beat the hated Habs. Thank you, Philadelphia Flyers. You still go east. This is his best three out of five, by the way. I have no idea what's going on. Or is this the this is the actual you got to win four games and the Canucks beat the defending Stanley Cup champions, St. Louis Blues.

[00:12:34]

So I don't know what kind of team the blues have, but if they have the team like last year, that's a great thing for Vancouver to win early, you got to beat the blues within five or six games because by game seven, they've beaten you physically down to their fucking talent level, which was how it used to work back in the day.

[00:12:56]

You're better than us. All right. We're just going to beat the shit out of you. Anyway, so I'm going to watch the game today and try to do the best I can, and then I have a little bit of a little fucking announcement here. Did you enjoy King of Staten Island? Did you see did you try to watch King of Staten Island? You were like 20 bucks. Fuck this.

[00:13:18]

You can actually own King of Staten Island on digital or Blu ray on August 25th, all streaming platforms, whatever the fuck's going on as a bunch of bonus footage.

[00:13:34]

I know, you know, just from the some of the stuff that I saw the other actors do in the firehouse, I can't imagine all the stuff that all the great stuff that Judd Apatow is going to have out there for you. It's on August 25th, a great movie during a difficult time. And these the new normal, whatever the hell are you supposed to say? It's it's a great comedy with a lot of Hot starring the amazing Pete Davidson and the legendary Marisa Tomei, Steve Buscemi.

[00:14:01]

I mean, it's got a lot of talent in there. And then a big red mustache comes in every once in a while. So anyway. Oh, God, what a fucking brutal week, man. What a brutal week. So I actually found a place that does a Patriot's floral arrangement because I can't make it back for the funeral, which is really fucking bothering me. So I don't know. I'm going to figure out how the fuck that works.

[00:14:27]

It's weird. You can just order it online. They also have a phone number. I just don't trust that I just write this shit. I send somebody a fucking message and then they just go ahead and do it. I just, you know, the same way I fucking hate back up cameras. You know, it's funny, I I've gotten so used to the backup camera in my car, when I drive my old truck, I start backing up and I'm not even looking.

[00:14:50]

I mean, it's just for a split second. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? And then I look over my shoulder. And what I love about my truck is I look over my shoulder and I can actually see. You know, because I used to be able to back up a car, I used to be fucking great at it and with the video cameras, I suck.

[00:15:05]

And when I look over my shoulder, you can't see anything out the back window because it's the backup camera which totally affects the design now. So I just used the side. Once I use the side mirrors, I fucking crush it again. And that's the only way I know how to get out of my driveway. I got to use the side mirrors. That's stupid. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Starts doing that because a leaf on a fern is near my car and I'm like, what the fuck am I doing here?

[00:15:34]

What we're looking at and it's literally it's like a fucking a grasshopper jumped on the side of the fucking car. I feel like a cat or a toddler ran up behind me.

[00:15:46]

So anyway. Dean Del Ray has always hooked me up with a fucking I've been redoing my little podcast studio here and I got an old school fucking hyphy.

[00:16:00]

That has like AM, FM radio and all of that type of shit, I'm going to hook up my my turntable to it, I got these six speakers. I'll have the names of all the shit that I have.

[00:16:16]

You know, when we get it all hooked up tonight in the first song and playing, of course, you got to play back in black. I got to hear the way this sounds, and Dean was literally telling me he's like, you're not going to be able to turn this thing up a quarter of the way. This whole fucking office is going to be vibrating. So I'm pretty excited about that as far as like a nice old school thing to have.

[00:16:39]

It was such a big deal when you were growing up. You know, if you bought a new stereo, AM, FM stereo, dual cassette, you know, and then the big thing was, you know, if if the when you would jested the this CD like how it came out, the ones that came out gently like silk were fucking. And that's when you that's literally how you judge the stereo. If it came out nice and slow, if it fucking spit the tape out like somebody gave it the Heimlich maneuver, you knew you had some piece of shit that you get at RadioShack.

[00:17:16]

We used to go to the pharmacy with a stereo store. These would be like having a stereo is such a big fucking deal that at the South Shore Plaza in Braintree, Massachusetts, right across from. What was it, Hobbit Town or KB Toy and Hobby, I can't remember right across the way was a fuckin stereo. Like this just it was like where Don Cheadle worked in Boogie Nights was just went in and they had all of these giant fuckin speakers and they had all these cool looking guys that were selling fucking stereos.

[00:17:54]

I mean, it was like considered like a really bad ass job. And that fucking mall back in the day was just all Ron Burgundy colors. The whole fucking mall was like brown. It had these these plastic, this light plastic brown. Like flooring, like the tile, and they had these these round circles that were probably the size of a silver dollar. And it was brown, everything was brown, there was a place, pewter pot that somehow sold muffins that then became like a sit down restaurant and actually had like meals that you can eat a full meal and then you get like a muffin for dessert.

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And everything in there was like the tables weighed like eight thousand pounds you made out of, like, fucking redwoods is some shit and. I've been back to that mall a couple of times since they redid it, now it's like two floors. They went the completely the other way. It's like all fucking white and bright and all of this shit.

[00:18:55]

They have back in the day, it was one level you went in and you go into the stereo store. They always tell you, you know, don't judge the speaker by the size of it, man. You got to judge it by the sound man.

[00:19:07]

So I'm looking forward to having that shit all hooked up out here in my lonely office so I can listen to some fuckin music all by my lonesome. Other than that, I don't really have any fucking news for you. Just devastating emotional week for me and. You know. I've been flying a couple times a week doing the helicopter thing, and I almost didn't fly on Tuesday, and then my wife was like, now weighing what I want you to God, you know, sounds like, all right.

[00:19:41]

So I went out there and then I actually did really well, like we've been doing like all these auto rotations and shit. And so I got those things back to where I, I was before I took this long layoff. And now we started getting into, like the advanced auto rotations, which is basically where you're right over your spot. And you bleed off all your airspeed, obviously keeping you while keeping your main roads system, main or main road RPM's going, and then we were doing the shit where.

[00:20:11]

If you didn't have, you know, once you bled it all the way back out of that nose it over, get your speed back and then go into the flare.

[00:20:21]

I got everything down except for the flare. I always want to pull the collective up to start of muscle memory, like I'm doing a fast stop, you know, and we've been doing that. And we actually started doing ones where you actually were. You ought to start doing auto rotation. You actually go back, start like going backwards to get back over your spot and then nose it over and then come back down. It's fucking wild, but I'm actually starting to be able to feel it.

[00:20:45]

It's really exciting because that's the number one fear is the an engine failure.

[00:20:52]

And am I going to be able to know what to do and.

[00:20:57]

You'd be surprised the amount of people that get their license and they just don't practice those things enough, I don't know why the fuck you would do that to yourself, but I do it all the goddamn time. And I just want I want to be able to just like. You know, put that thing into a fuckin parking space backwards right over the spot and.

[00:21:21]

You know, and then eventually, I don't know if I ever start touring again, trying to find a couple of people to go in on something that has a little more weight to it. I'd like a fully articulated three bladed, you know, basically in a star. Or something like that in a star, essentially, but the stars are kind of weird, though, because when you are when you want to rotate those things, I heard we do our rotation.

[00:21:48]

When you hit the ground, you still have to slide a little bit, which is weird to me. You know. I actually know a guy that knows a guy that just had an engine failure in that in one of those things, and he and he put it on top of a fucking building right on the goddamn pad, total stud, just fucking land, that thing. And then had to run out and go do a gig. And just jumped in a car and then did the gig and he was halfway through the gig and then he got like sick to his stomach and had to go to the bathroom and fuck and puke because he had an emotionally dealt with that he almost died because he had this gig.

[00:22:24]

He had to go play. It's fucking wild. Why do I do this shit?

[00:22:29]

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know my fucking brains all over the place. Let me. Trying to hold it together here, let me let me read a couple of the advertisements here. All right, everybody, look who it is.

[00:22:47]

Woop there it is. Woop W.H Double P Wisky Hotel, Oscar, Oscar.

[00:22:55]

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[00:23:08]

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[00:23:21]

Jesus Christ, I can it can it detect, you know, heart attacks and strokes? They'd be amazing whoopers recently, I imagine you can use a lot of this information towards that and give it to your doctor who has recently partnered with, you know, I'm going to fucking I got to I'm an old dad.

[00:23:41]

I'm going to get one of these things has recently partnered with Strava so you can now upload your activities automatically from wub to Strava with recovery, sleep and other metrics, Wub tracks all four stages of sleep, slow wave, REM light and awake. Awake, that's part of sleep. The fuck is that is that sleeping with your eyes open? And I can tell you. What's that mean, you're sleepwalking through life and can tell you how much sleep you've gotten down to the minute there's sleep, tracking has also officially received third party validation.

[00:24:22]

A sleep coach, I'd like to know what the third party validation is, sleep coach is custom tailored to you and calculates your sleep need based on a variety of data points with the ability to set levels to peak perform or peak CAAMA perform or get by, depending on what is planned for the following day. Why would you ever choose anything but peak? You must be out boozing Strain coaches, a feature that allows you to plan your workout to hit your target exertion level plan the workout that your body is truly ready for, check your progress in real time and finish your workout.

[00:25:03]

When Woop has let you know that you've pushed your body hard enough whoopers, has a really smart charging system where their battery pack slides right on top of the strap. So you never have to take it off to charge. You won't ever have to worry about losing a night's sleep or missing a workout. OK, group is offering 15 percent off when you use the code, check out, go to woop, dotcom, op dotcom and enter the code.

[00:25:31]

Berbee you are to say 15 percent, sleep better, recover faster and train smarter with Wuk today. All right, I'll Lakotas, everybody. It's fun times sports are back and that can mean one thing. Draft Kings. The hits really keep on coming from one May event to the next. This is fascinating to me. They grow in excitement and anticipation. UFC 252 is no different with two sports. Two of the sport's most respected fighters sleep stepping into the octagon this weekend.

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[00:26:29]

Stay under the salary cap. That's my favorite thing there. You picked six fires to stay under the salary cap. Anybody can pick six favorites. Now you got to be a GM. Are you going to be top heavy like the Toronto Maple Leafs? You can score six goals, but fucking give up seven. How are you going to do it without him? Stay under the salary cap and pile up points for advances, takedowns and more, there's no better way to put on your more knowledge to the test, to put your arm knowledge to the test than to compete for a free shot at one million dollars in total prizes.

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That's promo code BRX to get a free shot at one million dollars with your first deposit. Only a tracking's minimum five dollar deposit required eligibility restrictions apply. See Draft Kings dot com for details. You know, one of the jokes I've been saying about the passing of my buddy Wayne Previti, he was the biggest Patriots fan. I ever met. I don't think I don't think he in the 28 years that I knew that guy, he never missed a fucking game ever.

[00:28:07]

He watched every single fucking game from the very beginning to the very end. All the way up to pre Bill Parcells, Drew Bledsoe. So, I mean, he was there for was it McPhearson or Rod Rust, I forget, who was coaching when Victor came, you know, and we were just the doormats of the league.

[00:28:32]

And, you know, he just watched all of them and I was joking with the body, as you do when a body dies. I was joking with a friend of mine. I just said, you know what, I don't think that I don't think that he could take seeing Tom Brady in a Tampa Bay Buccaneers uniform, broken-hearted, that he's gone.

[00:28:51]

So anyway, sorry to keep bringing up him, but the fuck you're going to do.

[00:28:56]

That's what's on my mind. Yeah. And with that, I think that's going to be it here. Everybody, sorry about the. You know, the sort of frazzled podcast here today, what else, what else? I'm really chomping at the bit, I'm looking for some stage time, I got to I have to find it seems like these shows have been safe. The minimal. Amount of people there and. I know the Comedy Store has been doing some stuff, I know that down in San Diego, they've had a few shows.

[00:29:34]

You know, so I'm just trying to figure out some place to get on stage because I'm going fucking nuts. I'm really going fucking nuts here. So anyway, that is the podcast for this Thursday afternoon. Please listen to the music here that the great and timeless picks out. And then we'll have a bonus episode of a Thursday afternoon just before Friday.

[00:29:57]

Monday morning podcast from, I don't know, a couple of years back or whatever. And once again, man, once again, rest in peace. Wayne Previti. I just really from the bottom of my heart, I could not have had a better friend. All right, you guys have a great weekend. I'll talk to. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, August 13th, 2012.

[00:31:28]

How the hell are you? How's it going? August 13th?

[00:31:32]

Can you believe it? Only three more weeks of the summer. Right, but thanks to global warming, you can still get a tan right through the second week of October. You know, enjoy it, folks. This is the golden age of global warming. You know, this is before polar bears swims up to your fucking apartment, you know? All those fires in the middle of the country. Who cares? Those of flyover states, right? That's just our food supply.

[00:32:06]

I always thought it was funny the way people make fun of those states. You know, because they don't have, what, a water slide and a giant fucking skyscraper, all of a sudden they don't count. Yeah, all they're doing is fucking, you know. Providing nourishment for everyone in the state. I'm sorry, everyone in the nation. All they're doing is growing enough food to feed the world, but we don't, right. And I think that's a good thing.

[00:32:34]

I think good thing that we don't feed the world. There's too many fucking people, and that's why the polar ice caps are melting, it has nothing to do with V8 engines. OK, there's too many goddamn people, so what I'm going to do eventually in 25 years when I get famous enough, is I'm going to put together my own collection of musicians and we're going to do we aren't the world.

[00:33:01]

All right. We are the world. You're not a responsibility. I'm sorry you don't have an apple tree, so go fuck yourself. There's too many people taking shifts every day, and it's fucking up the world for me and you. All right, we got more shit.

[00:33:31]

That's how it worked out. All right.

[00:33:32]

You get the idea, you know. I wonder who that would actually return that fucking phone call. That doesn't fucking maniac from was in that movie Heat, I bet he would. The guy was doing porn's now. Oh, yeah. God, I mean, that guy. Just once I want to have an orgasm like that and be fucking going, oh, Jesus, like he was. Somebody kicked you in the nuts anyways, you wouldn't believe this right now, the way this is going and where I'm saying don't save the world.

[00:34:06]

OK, let him go. That's how I would run for office. Excuse me, none, Senator Pryor. I was wondering what you thought about the problems in Croatia, Rwanda and. Yeah, I don't really give a shit. I mean, I think it's terrible, but, you know, you know, the more people die, the more fresh air for us. That's how we look at it. You know, as long as it isn't anybody with with our flag on their shoulder, I think that that would be OK.

[00:34:39]

That's appalling. That's a realistic outlook, lady. You want to be on the ship that's sailing towards surviving, I suggest you change your attitude. Next question, you over there with the straight talk? No, the other guy with the striped tie. And the receding hair. Yes, you know. I'm not answering that go fuck yourself. It's a figure of speech. Jesus Christ, I actually have a giant announcement. Giant, a big for me.

[00:35:12]

I have a big announcement for me. All right, I'm pregnant. I just found out and I'm really excited for myself.

[00:35:20]

Now, I, I, I have been telling you guys that I recorded a standup special in the wonderful District of Columbia back in March. And ever since then, you guys have been asking me, hey, Bill, when is that special coming up? Well, on this week's podcast, I will be announcing when my special comes out. But not right now for some stupid reason, I'm going to wait until the end, just like one of those dumb shows on TV, you know?

[00:35:51]

We're all you need is one piece of fucking information, they just try to drag it out so they can get in eight minutes of advertising and somebody can have a yacht.

[00:35:59]

Right. Now I'm fucking with you. I'm going to do it right out of the gate. That's how I do it, because I'm not playing the game, man.

[00:36:08]

OK. My new special is entitled You People Are All the Same, and it will premiere exclusively on Netflix. It's the only place you're going to be able to see it is Netflix. Why do you ask? Because I love those guys. They show my entire special. It's unedited. It captures the exact level of ignorance that that I wanted to put out there. I love those guys. So it's going to be premiering exclusively on Netflix this Thursday, August 16th at 6:00 a.m..

[00:36:43]

Pacific Time, so for all you grumpy people out there, that's 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time. All right.

[00:36:50]

You'll be available to all Netflix members in the United States, Canada, Ireland and the United Kingdom. Well, isn't Ireland part of the U.K.? Hania, isn't Ireland part of the UK or at least Northern Ireland is right. I just lost everyone in fucking and is making a face. We went over there. We learned this.

[00:37:14]

We went on the double decker bus tour and they told us what the lady and the king owned, right?

[00:37:21]

No, that it's the United Kingdom, as far as my understanding is, is England, Wales, Scotland and in Northern Ireland. That's what it is, it's Northern Ireland. My apologies to everybody keeping it real and Southern Ireland, as opposed to all those sellouts in Northern Ireland who are just fine with that bigot douche telling you what to do. Is that what you're telling me? How many beer glasses am I going to get thrown at my fucking head if I ever go back, if I go up to Belfast anyways, I'm just fucking with you guys over there.

[00:37:55]

All right. Hang on a second, what do you say? Easter, and I'm talking about the United States. Oh, 9:00 a.m. Eastern, 7:00 Pacific, twice, I'm sorry. Well, either way, I was just talking about the United States with those times. You know why?

[00:38:15]

Because we are the world.

[00:38:18]

So I'm really excited that it's also going to be in Canada, Ireland and the U.K. because I go to those places and when I go to those places, only three people show up.

[00:38:29]

So maybe this will be able to as the dollar collapses, I'll be able to go to places where there's other currency and I'll get to start this journey all over again near.

[00:38:41]

Remember when you met me and I was still on a futon?

[00:38:45]

That's actually true. It is true. OK, so my new special, you people are all the same. It's going to premiere exclusively on Netflix this Thursday, August 16th, 6:00 a.m. Pacific, 9:00 a.m. Eastern. And what's the difference? What's the difference between here and was it five hours to England? You guys figure it out, you fuckin metric system. You know. Well, it's somebody actually summed up soccer for me finally. How the hell did he describe it?

[00:39:20]

I was saying why Americans don't like soccer. This guy said to me. He goes, we already have this game over here, we call it hockey. You know, except it's way faster, this hitting. Use fighting, it's phenomenal and it's funny that he said that because whenever I watch soccer, the the the stuff that appeals to me is that it is like hockey with the off sides and that type of shit. But I don't get why the defenseman just gets to stop and then all of a sudden I'm offsides.

[00:39:51]

You know. Keep running, you douche. You know what I'm trying to do, like that's that's your defense. You don't even have to knock me on my ass. You just stop. It's just a terrible game.

[00:40:03]

You know, we have arms, people. Use them, would you watch a sport if all you used was your arms and you didn't use your legs and everyone was just standing there or maybe sitting on the ground? Or maybe just in one of those craft medic beds, like just throwing balls to one another. Oh, my God, did I just describe Murderball? No, I didn't. They roll around in their chairs. All right. This is the money.

[00:40:29]

Just for August 13th, I got one more day on my project here I'm doing here.

[00:40:37]

I let the cat out of the bag now, and I told them that I was going to be. I'm working on the pilot for the reboot of that kid's show, Zom. Remember that show? Do you remember that show used to go? Did you try that song again? No, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom. We're going to zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom. That's that was the song in the 70s.

[00:41:04]

Come on, give it a try. We're going to show you just why we're going to teach you to fly high. It was a drug reference. That whole thing was take drugs, come on, give it a try, we're going to show you just why.

[00:41:20]

What I don't want to do list. Come on, give it a try. I don't know, but come on, we're going to show you why. Just take the shit. We're going to teach you to fly high.

[00:41:30]

And everybody had the same striped shirts on. We're doing a reboot of that.

[00:41:35]

Without the drugs. All right. So anyways, I'm staying here in the north end of Boston, and I got to tell you something, the Italians make the best fucking food out there, bar none. Go fuck yourself. I don't want to hear it. If you're into Thai food or you're like Scottish, fucking what a Scottish people eat, namely, what the fuck? Or is it haggis? Yeah, that's that's like what. That's like Shetland sheepdog balls with some bangers in the mash.

[00:42:06]

They're. By the way, when I talk about Great Britain, I should state that, like Scotland is less than thrilled to be part of it. That was the vibe I got. When I was over there, this is really just my ignorant Travel Channel show this time, isn't it? So anyways, we've been staying here in the north end and all they've been doing is eating Italian food and having a great time. But as of last night, I was finally fucking sick of it when I had some Noki, which is basically potatoes with wallpaper paste and a little bit of was it pesto that they put on there?

[00:42:43]

You know, I have something fucking Irish. But I never used to come over to the north end, you leave in the. OK, bye bye. Just like I said to that old lady in the wheelchair, bye bye. Bye bye. What a sport, I actually woke her up and kicked her out of the hotel room so I could do this, you know. If you want to come back later, I have another microphone, if you want to do the final fucking 10 minutes, I know people are dying to know what's going on in your life.

[00:43:15]

I thought, you want to slam the door on me, that would have a great a nod to Jim Norton. Anyway, so we've been hanging out here, I got fuckin octopus coming out, my fogginess. No, I've eaten way too much Italian food, even though I love it, I'm done. OK, I've had fucking tortellini. I've had fettuccini, I've had fucking spaghetti, really, that everything I had a ragu. That went right fucking through me.

[00:43:50]

I wish it would be great if there was a website. That had a picture of a bunch of people's different faces when they ate something that that that moment when they realize it's going right through them and they realize that they're in a public place, it's going to get ugly and they're doing the math. On how far away? The nearest private toilet that they know is versus how bad that feeling is in your gut. Let's just say I wrapped it up pretty damn quick with the person I was with.

[00:44:26]

Anyways, and then they had some big festival down here, some sort of religious thing where they had a picture and they had like Mary and everyone was putting dollars on or I don't know what the hell that one is. I felt like I was in some sort of Scorsese movie. And then they were playing this Frank Sinatra music, which is just a guess, just the best music ever. It just makes you feel like you're a fuckin millionaire.

[00:44:51]

You know, they started playing the summer when you know, the summer when it came blowing in from across the sea, right.

[00:45:00]

And of course, it's sounded amazing and then for some stupid fucking reason, they just write as I'm here in the beginning of that song. You know, that fucking the keyboard starts playing. And then a little fuckin hits with the horns here already swaying as you walking down the street and walking towards it, right. Just mesmerized. And all of a sudden, this fucking attitude voice starts singing with it, and I realized that doing Sinatra like karaoke and it was some little girl going up there and she was so fucking flat and off.

[00:45:33]

And I couldn't and I. It was like Frank singing like this summer when Kay blowing in and she's on top of that. With their fucking eight year old high pitched voice across, he can't even do it, my voice is shot and I was like immediately turned in the other direction and I was trying to get away from it.

[00:45:56]

But the way the north end is set up with all the streets diagonal and all the buildings close together, it was just echoing down all the streets and I couldn't fucking get away with it.

[00:46:04]

So I had to go up fucking Causeway Street. Right past the bridge that goes over the fucking Charlestown that you saw in the movie The Town and I walked up to. I walked up to the garden, Boston Garden. And I looked at the Bobby or statue, and I got to admit from the side, it looks like Bobby your but when you look at the face, it looks like that bit I used to do remember the old man face, but for my last special.

[00:46:32]

Do you well, do you that's what it look like. I don't know what it is about those fucking statues, they can get everything to look like the guy except for the face. The Magic Johnson statue doesn't look like him, the Bobby or statue doesn't look like him, the Michael Jordan statue just doesn't look like him, even with the tongue sticking out. It's I don't know what it is, they can't make the face. They can't get the face right, really believe is as this is just the level of fucking, you know, shit that you think is interesting to us.

[00:47:04]

Oh, go fuck yourself. All right. Let's do a little bit of let's get to a dilemma here. No, wait, wait, I got some other stuff to talk about first. Before I forget, yeah, I took we actually took a water taxi. You know, I want to surprise Nia, we're going on the water taxi and. Women are so fuckin intuitive, one of the hardest things to ever do is to surprise a woman.

[00:47:34]

The second you start thinking, God, I hope she doesn't notice. God, I hope she doesn't fucking ask me. X, Y and Z. It's like they sense it, they're like fucking dogs, they just pick it up and be like, what's wrong with what's going on? Nothing. Why are you yelling at me? What's going on, freak? And I was going to fucking surprise you with this fucking boat ride.

[00:47:55]

Well, you don't have to yell. They run real. Like, I don't understand why every interrogator on the first 48 isn't a fucking woman. Their ability. That's that's one of those things that nature gave them because. Nature new. Right now, you know, that fucking Eddie nature, he knew that. That guys could just beat the shit out of women and there were no laws in place, you know, back in the day, it just whatever you wanted to do.

[00:48:31]

You know, she gave you a rough time. You just balled up your big fucking caveman fist, hairy knuckles and all, and you fucking cracked her right in the fucking nose. And it bled all over her woolly mammoth to pieces that she was wearing, and that was the end of the discussion. So, you know. They had to adapt. So fuckin Mother Nature gave them this fuckin I swear to God, I can't get away with shit.

[00:49:00]

It isn't possible to surprise Nia, I, I can't fucking it drives me nuts. I don't understand why there's no women in the World Series of Poker. All right, Bill, we get it there can pick up what you're doing. That's what I'm saying. So I was sitting here trying. I can finally just stopped and I said, will you stop fucking up the surprise? And then she just left. You know. Probably because it made her feel more secure.

[00:49:30]

All right, well, good, that's good to know that I can tell when he's fucking acting weird. So if he ever did try to be deceitful, I would be able to pick up on it.

[00:49:38]

You know what I mean? Phuket Maniac's Swannee. So I take her on this water taxi, right? I bring her over to see one of these little fancy fucking fufu stores where they, you know, they go walking in where they have the Lady Gaga, where in the fucking who was another one of the horse that they all think is just amazing fashion sense.

[00:49:57]

Did you see the meat dress? Oh, my God, not the Midwest, they obviously don't like that, but they like that fucking. Veil in the face shit. Don't they all isn't it fair to just lump them all into one category and then just say something ignorant? I think it is. I think that's totally fair. So anyways, we're riding over on the water taxi and it's fucking tremendous. You know, the guy driving, it's an ex fucking fishing boat captain.

[00:50:25]

So he's loving life, you know, he's got this great job, he doesn't have any crew that he has to deal with, he doesn't have to go out of the harbor. You know, he just gets to cruise around on this little boat, sees in a great mood.

[00:50:38]

You know, he's making me laugh and he's breaking my balls. Where are you taking her? I'll make sure he gets you something expensive, blah, blah, blah and all that shit. We're having a great fucking time. So as we're going over there.

[00:50:48]

Right. All I'm doing is and by the way, if I ever had a boat, that's all I would do. I would just go around the harbor. There's no way I would ever go out to sea. I am I'm terrified. Did you see that fucking video with that guy just sitting in the ocean and that hammerhead shark just circling around on me before they fished him out? You know what I don't get? I don't get why I can't just be in the ocean treading water, like why that just immediately makes sharks go, oh, what the fuck is that?

[00:51:20]

I'm not bleeding. I'm swimming just like a fish. Why are you so goddamn fucking interested in me? Why are you fucking 20 miles away going, Oh. I sense a pair of alabaster fucking legs in the water. I think I'm going to go over here and take a bite out of them, see how they taste. And then spin back around again, if I like the way it tastes, I'm going to come back and kill it. I just don't understand that.

[00:51:47]

I could see if you were dead. You know, and then you know that they're like the garbage disposal of the ocean, they come by and they fucking eat you. But if I'm totally fine, what is their fucking problem? It's plenty of fish in the sea, right? Well, you got to come at me. What am I doing? I'm treading water. I know I don't belong here. That's just fucking annoying. Another thing and another thing, oh, shit, I'm on a fucking run a little fucking rant here, which I'm not, by the way, I know everything is defined as a fucking rant.

[00:52:26]

He had everything is fuck and everything is awkward or it's a fucking rant, it isn't a rant is to me is absolutely your you've completely lost your shit. You're screaming, there's fucking goddamn foam at the corner of your mouth. That's a fucking rant. Going on some little clever little fucking 45 second run is not a rant. All right. Your dumb cunts on the Internet. Can we clear that up and can we also clear up that the comic does not heckle the crowd?

[00:52:59]

I know I've brought this up, but it's becoming. People keep saying that I loved when you heckled the crowd. I'm on stage. When are you giving the performance? You can't heckle the crowd. Heckler, a heckler is someone who disrupts a performance if you're the guy on stage. Am I disrupting the crowd's performance?

[00:53:19]

You're not giving one. Sorry. Yeah, it's fucking Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, and I don't know if anybody who works at the Discovery Channel listens to this podcast. All right. But you guys are so fucking irresponsible over there.

[00:53:39]

OK, you do all this bullshit when you talk about sharks, about how fucking horribly they're misunderstood. You know. And the beauty of the species and all this type of stuff, but you always sell it with that Jaws vibe. You know what I mean, it's like. It's literally it's like fish fucking racism. Like, the way that they show sharks on the Discovery Channel is the way they showed black people in the news when I was growing up.

[00:54:14]

They did everything but play the jazz music back in the day and they're still doing it.

[00:54:19]

The sharks. All right. And I want to know, where are all the African-Americans when it comes to this shit?

[00:54:27]

You know, why don't why don't you fucking reach out and have a little bit of fucking empathy? You can't see you can't see the parallel of the fucking cross polarisation, whatever the fuck you call it. I don't I'm saying all I'm saying is I fucking hate the way they do that where they sit there.

[00:54:44]

And they they. They make it, they make the shark out to be like. It's beyond instinct, what it's doing, like it's sitting there rubbing its fins together, thinking about fucking sinister stuff to do. It's hungry to get something to eat. You're a dumb fuck. You're in the ocean. I still don't get why if I'm just fucking treading water, why do you have to come over and take a bite out of my leg? Leave me alone.

[00:55:19]

I fucking hate it. I've got to tell you something, when I was I was sitting there waiting for that water taxi, just looking into that fucking black water, you know, you can't see you can't even see below the surface. I said in the echo, you couldn't pay me a million dollars to jump in that fucking water right now, right there, and immediately just jump right back out. I wouldn't do it. And she goes, you know what?

[00:55:40]

You're an asshole. She goes, I'm going to go fucking jump in it just to show you how ridiculous should be. She goes, there's no shark in there. And I was like, you know what? Or maybe there is. Do you see that fucking those people fishing off their back porch to cut that fish and all of a sudden a shark came out of nowhere? Yes, I just I fucking hate the ocean. So anyways, so we're on this fucking boat and we're going by all these goddamn all these giant fucking yachts, like 50 million dollar boats parked out in the harbor.

[00:56:16]

And I just really realized, like, that whole. Like the level of wealth that is out there. A 50 million dollar boat, a boat. A hobby. Something you just got to sit in the fuckin harbor that maybe you going to take out once or twice in the month was 50 million dollars.

[00:56:35]

Give me a fuckin break. Fired. If I had a 50 million dollar boat, there's no fucking way I wouldn't be selling drugs. I would just do it because it would be so goddamn easy. I would just get a brick of fucking cocaine and I would just fucking put it on my boat and I would just drive up the goddamn coast. I drop it off to somebody, I get some money, and then I would make a payment on the boat.

[00:57:05]

And now I got to clean the money that you get cut. All right, straight that. I would be the guy driving, I wouldn't drive the boat because I'm afraid of the ocean. You know what? Fuck yachts. OK, let's get a little fucking advertising here for the week.

[00:57:21]

What do we got here? Where is it?

[00:57:24]

What did I do with it? All right, here we go, advertisement number one. All right, mandatory intro, why do I always do that? OK, you've probably heard about legalzoom.com, but now I'm telling you about them, so you got to check them out. These guys are great. All right.

[00:57:46]

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[00:58:56]

Today at legalzoom.com, you also get a special discount from listening to this podcast. Make sure you enter Burpee. You are in the referral box and at checkout for more savings. Legal Zoom is not a law firm and self-help services are provided at your your direction. There you go. All right, that was painless, wasn't it? You know, I actually have to get a will done and I have I have been putting that off because I'm superstitious. When it comes to that, I feel like if I start to write a will, that means I'm saying to the universe, like all write tapping out, I've had enough.

[00:59:36]

But I'm actually I got inspired to do it. This past week. A lot of my relatives passed away, unfortunately, and had to go to the funeral, but this person had it all worked out right down to their outro song.

[00:59:56]

And I underrated. Picking the music for your funeral is morbid as that is, you've got to realize we're all going to go someday. And this funeral was was fucking awesome. It was it was a celebration of a life. And there was way more laughing than crying. And I think a lot of that had to do with the music.

[01:00:21]

Fuckin Altro music wheelin out of the church. When the Saints Go Marching In was this person's favorite song, and it was it was it was the shit and I really got inspired. I was sitting there going, what the hell? What I what? What it seems like, you know, old people's like their music is appropriate. It's such great music that it's appropriate for any situation. And I'm really trying to think like of the music that I listen to.

[01:00:48]

You know, all that heavy metal and fucking Zeppelin and AC DC, I mean, I can't have any AC DC playing as I'm wheeled out.

[01:00:56]

Half of that's about the devil and going to hell. I don't want to put that out there.

[01:01:00]

Didn't have those three things from Ghost come up or remember that shit and drag me down.

[01:01:07]

But I'm telling you, underrated. So I want to know from you guys.

[01:01:11]

All right, when you kick the bucket. Tell me about how are you going to do your funeral, how would you like it to be done? And. Outro music and all that type of shit, what do you do? Are you going to go in the box? You're going to get cremated. This is fucked up, you've got to make these decisions and you need to make a will go to legalzoom.com BAMP there you go, in and out right there.

[01:01:37]

All right. What else happened this week in the world of sports? Dwight Howard went to the Lakers. An absolute shocker, an absolute shocker that yet another guy who couldn't win a championship somewhere else is now going to go pile on with the Lakers.

[01:01:52]

It's ridiculous. It's they have literally become the New York Yankees of the NBA every fucking year. They do this. And I want Kobe Bryant to start getting some shit for this. If you're going to give fucking LeBron James shit for pilot for leaving Cleveland and pile on piling on in Miami, then, God damn it, Kobe has had people fucking coming to him for his entire goddamn career, 50 fucking years in a row.

[01:02:21]

And they got the nerve to sit there and compare this guy to Jordan. Look at the fucking teams this guy has been on and go back and look at those Chicago Bulls teams. And I want I want you to start telling me Dennis Rodman is the only fuckin. Like free agent that I can really remember that they signed. All right, and he was. It was one fucking guy. Kobe gets to three guys every year. Oh, it's ridiculous, it's absolutely ridiculous.

[01:02:51]

I'm telling you, as a crabby old man. These are not your father's championships, these are not championship teams, these there's no difference between these championship teams and that rich kid whose first car is like a fuckin goddamn Maserati because his dad is rich. All right. You know, it's so fucked up about these teams. And I include the 2008 Celtics in this. That was a that was a bought and paid for championship. I know they put the work in.

[01:03:21]

I know all of that. But it's not the fucking saying this is a funny thing about these pylon teams is I remember as a kid when you'd be out outside at recess and we'd start picking teams if they got too lopsided.

[01:03:36]

Kids, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, that's not fair. They would people flip out and they'd break up the teams, you'd balance it out when I was from there was called smut teams. I don't even know where that came from. That is a SWAT teams. These teams are Smutek, which meant it was bullshit. You had Shaq and Kobe and all these fucking guys are one team was going to be a goddamn bloodbath. All right.

[01:03:58]

And even it's like second and third graders. We understood. How fucking pointless it was to then go out and play the game. If he had all the most talented people on one fucking team, right, so we broke it up, we would we would have it evened out and we'd have a great game during fucking recess.

[01:04:15]

Now, if we can understand that, why can't full grown adults understand that in these leaks and professional leagues? Why can't they understand that? All right. But if that's the way it is, I accept it. I accept these people championships, but I want them to be called that. All right, the same way they had the dead ball and then the live ball era, these fucking Laker championships, Celtics championships, Miami championships, these are not the same as the ones in the 80s right through the fucking Chicago Bulls.

[01:04:47]

I would even say the Spurs. You know, the the David Robinson, Tim Duncan once like, I don't want to hear it. Don't fucking be talking about don't bring up Larry and Magic and all these other guys with the guys. Today it's different, OK, because.

[01:05:08]

Just imagine back in the day of bird magic just piled on and got on the same fucking team, like, why is that enjoyable? I got to be honest with you, that first dream team. I didn't even watch it. I don't want to watch fucking Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Akeem Olajuwon, Charles Barkley, go play Rwanda. You know what I mean, what am I going to do next and then watch me go play a game of Wiffle ball with some fuckin second graders like I don't understand what is the thrill in that?

[01:05:42]

And if you're in one of those cities and you're getting all these guys and you're fuckin site and you don't give a shit.

[01:05:51]

That's because you don't understand, you don't you don't even understand sports. And you're the same kind of person that I bet cannot be swayed in an argument, even if somebody makes a good fucking point, because all you want to do is be right. You just want to win like that Fox News kind of.

[01:06:10]

Like debating style, where it's all good if you agree with me and if you don't agree with me, I'm just going to yell at you and cut out your mic and that's going to be the fucking debate.

[01:06:20]

It sucks. OK, so now I'm down to two sports now, football and hockey, because you can't do that. And either one of those sports because they have a hard cap. I know people say in baseball they have a hard cap. Yeah, well, they have a loophole that you can drive a 200 million dollar team through called the luxury tax. You can just basically pay it off. And you can go out and buy everybody on the fucking planet, so I don't know.

[01:06:46]

I don't know, I got to find some different sports to take place of hope and fuck in baseball because I'm done with both of those sports until they just fucking, you know, up.

[01:06:57]

And it's just fucking stupid, you know what it is about those teams, why I don't respect them because. It takes more money than brain cells to put those fucking teams together. Back in the day you needed brain cells, you had to, like, break down people and try to see stuff before other people saw it. Now you just go, hey, we need a center. Who's the best guy available?

[01:07:18]

What's he being offered? Offer him 10 million more. Next problem, I can fucking do that. But a bottomless pit of cash. That's fucking it's depressing, it's depressing. So. I don't know, but I still don't think the Lakers have a coach. I know God damn well Kobe Bryant doesn't fucking respect them, you know, when you're doing great in the game and the coach goes to high five, you and you completely ignore him. I would say that that's a complete lack of respect.

[01:07:44]

What do you think? Am I crazy to think that? Am I crazy to do do do do do do, do, do. All right. Revoice, everybody, here we go, is another way to start up. If you're going to start up your business, I'm slowly getting advertising here that suddenly is going to get you out of your cubicle. All right.

[01:08:04]

Voice your mobile phone at work. One of the great voice features is call recording. It's easy to use. All you have to do is press star two to start a stop recording during any incoming or outgoing call.

[01:08:20]

Basically what your voice is, is you have these what they call viral viral phone numbers.

[01:08:27]

You can basically with your cell phone, get, you know, like three or four other phone numbers and it just will ring to your own damn phone. No one has to know what your real phone number is. It's a great way to be at work and actually have a private business going on. So you can just, you know, rather than having to save up your trinkets at your cubicle job. You don't have to start from square one to start your new business, you can be you can actually be sitting in your cubicle taking business calls for your own business without those bosses knowing about it.

[01:08:57]

It's phenomenal. Anyways, the file is then saved as an MP on a wave file, and you can start on your computer to refer back to later at a later date if need be.

[01:09:11]

All right. Call recording from your voice is perfect for doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, hiring managers or any professional discussing contracts.

[01:09:19]

If it's even great, if you just don't have a pen handy. Or you're in the car driving and can't write something down, other voice features include call forwarding, music on hold, voicemail to text toll free numbers and one 800 numbers for a free six month trial go to. Don, revoice dot com Bill Burr, or go to the banner on my podcast page at Bellbird Dotcom. Yes, phenomenal. You can have conference calls with up to 90 people.

[01:09:52]

It's just a great and they actually have, like professional voice actors. That will, you know, give you some little fancy outgoing message. You know, so it actually sounds like you have an office when you don't. That's phenomenal voice. Everybody go check it out. All right. Back to the podcast.

[01:10:12]

All right, what do we got here? Let's get it. Let's get on with Dilemma's here. The LeMay's OK. Hey, Bill, would you rather have as many gold medals as Michael Phelps or as many Super Bowl rings as Joe Montana?

[01:10:25]

Well, do I get to be Joe Montana? Seeing that and that's that that little dilemma, I don't know if I'm Joe Montana, if I'm going to have as many rings as Joe Montana, I want to be Joe Montana or Jerry Rice. I want to be somebody that they remember. I don't want to be the fucking left tackle, you know, protecting the blindside or whatever the fuck's going on there. Right. I don't be that guy. I want to be somewhere that somebody remembers Ronnie Lott.

[01:10:52]

Or be Michael Phelps. That's a good one, because you know what sucks about being Michael Phelps is like he's kind of done it. Twenty four, you know, he's going to come back at 28 and not quite be as fast.

[01:11:09]

Those sports where you just finished at 20 for like tennis. I don't know. Michael Phelps. A football, such a man's sport, but you can't walk when you're 40. Although I saw Joe Montana in in a restaurant and he still looked great. Fuck that, I'd rather win Super Bowls. I'd rather win Super Bowls. You go. All right, there is Billiam. I am friends with a lot of people who have a lot of delusional hobbies throughout the last couple of years, I've had to attend their shitty band shows the shows for their shitty bands to make that a little more clearer or go to their place.

[01:11:54]

I've even been asked to donate money for the costs of making a CD and solicited to donate to a buddy's short film so he can make it. It sounds like you have a lot of motivated friends here. What do you you are you the Heda? Maybe he's right, let's let's read the rest of this before a judge. I repeat a short film. Well, I made a short film with the teen idol sensation Joe DeRosa and Robert Kelly, who's on a new fucking TV show.

[01:12:27]

Called the Bronx crew or something like that on effects like no joke, he's like the lead. In a goddamn TV show, Bobby. Huh, how great it is to see that form of watch that man for 20 years on, stand up, don't stand up. Doing plays and all that type of shit, and he hung in there and he kept swaying and he put his fucking head down and bang. Look at that. It's fucking phenomenal anyways of all of this wouldn't be so bad.

[01:13:00]

Yeah, we made a short film and got into the Tribeca Film Festival. You know, Joe de Rosa is now on his way to having a little burgeoning, like directing career. All right, don't knock a short film, sorry, you have no idea where this could go. Anyway, he goes, all of this wouldn't be so bad if all of their stupid hobby hobbies didn't always end up costing me at least 40 bucks from donations to cover charges at the gig they're playing, etc.

[01:13:27]

. The most recent one is a friend's improv class showcase, where I get to watch a bunch of amateurs put on a show with a two drink minimum and ticket costs exactly what I want to do with my free time. Now, my question is, can I just start a blanket policy of not going to any more of these and not doing anything without coming off like a complete dick? I want to make the improv show my last event, then never support the hobbies of my untalented friends that constantly piss my money away.

[01:14:01]

To put it bluntly, my friends events aren't exactly the same as you going to support Dane Cook in The Producers. He probably had the decency to comp your ticket. And any help is greatly appreciated. Well, do what you have to understand is that they didn't start off doing starring in the producers at the Hollywood Bowl, we did open mikes and shitty restaurants and we had to learn how to do stand up. Look, if you're always having to go to these things, I understand that.

[01:14:31]

But at.

[01:14:34]

You know. You know something, I wouldn't want you to come to my show if I was starting out. You just seem really like annoyed by the whole thing, you're going to have a negative vibe and I just would feel like I would be on stage as I'm trying to learn how to do stand up. And I would look out at you and you would have like your eyebrows up, like, you know, like you done yet.

[01:14:56]

Really? You thought that was funny, you know, you wouldn't even be smiling. You just be staring at me like, was that the last one? Can I go now? Can I leave? Sir, it sounds to me like you need a hobby.

[01:15:08]

All right. You need more of a social life and then you wouldn't have time to go to all your friends. I don't know, plays, and all of a sudden I find it weird that you don't do any of this shit. You know that you have people making short films, you know, people in bands and you know, people in improv classes, you kind of spanning the performance rainbow there.

[01:15:35]

Yet do you perform? Do you want to perform? Why aren't you a performer if you hang out with all these performers? I don't understand what's going on with you, sir. Did you go to some high school for the gifted?

[01:15:48]

And by the time you realized that you weren't gifted, it was too late. You just stayed there. So now you're going to school with all these future Fiona apples and all that type of shit, you're going to watch them play an acoustic set at the corner of some Subway franchise. You've had it. I don't know what it is, sir, but you know what? Be your own goddamn man. Just say, listen, I don't fucking want to go to any shed anymore.

[01:16:12]

All right, I don't have the money or the time I would rather see the completed call me when you make it and give me a free ticket and then you can be the guy when they do the the early days. You'll be that guy. You know, you'll be one of those documentaries where nobody from the band that's always like a major red flag when they're doing a documentary on a person. Like an actor or a band or an athlete, and that person, the person the subject isn't in the documentary and neither are any of the person's immediate friends.

[01:16:48]

And then they always go to a guy like this guy, like I used to fucking I used to see him go on in front of fucking two people, but you'll end up being that guy.

[01:16:59]

You know, well, this is the thing, sir, if any of those people make it, you better not be that douche who said I always believed in you because you don't believe in these people on any fucking level. So. I would start I would just fucking make sure you had other plants. That's the easiest way to go if you want to be nice and not hurt their feelings, or you could just come right out with it, just be like, listen.

[01:17:25]

I've seen you improve before, I'm going to wait six months and maybe you'll get much better at it and it'll be entertaining for me. OK. I'm going to go to a bar and go hit on a girl. That's how I want to improv because I don't know what I'm going to say either. OK, I'll throw it a subject. Me fucking that girl over there. Go fuck yourself. I'm out. How about that? All right, next one, Bill, should I have kids, how the fuck are you supposed to know if you should have kids or not?

[01:17:54]

Neither my wife nor I have strong feelings either way. And we are getting to that age where it stops making sense. So we need to make a decision and live with it. Yeah, if you're not feeling it, don't do it. There's plenty of fucking kids, there's plenty kids to go out and adopt, you know, if you realized later that, oh, maybe I wanted a kid. Well, what age?

[01:18:18]

What am I, kid? Ben, if I had one. Probably about eight. Yeah. Let me get an eight year old. Let me get let me get to eight year olds in a fuckin seven and throw in the 11th. There we go. And you have a fucking big Brady Bunch family. There's plenty of kids out there that need to be adopted and there's too many fucking people on the planet and we're running out of natural resources and my.

[01:18:41]

Belief is that the population problem is going to be handled like a fuckin term paper. You know, the same way we handled Y2K at the last fucking second, and when you do shit at the last fucking second, it's going to be a rash fucking quick decisions, which means there's going to be some sort of final solution going on. I really believe that we are rapidly headed towards that.

[01:19:08]

You know, if they don't. I mean, we have seven billion people on the planet and there's no politician going, hey. Why don't you just fuckin not have kids for a minute or if you're not really feeling it or we'll give you some money not to have kids, it's fucking insane. I don't know. Or running out of chicken and fucking soup. I didn't even make sense.

[01:19:34]

All right, cheating. Hey. Word on the street is you're the male version of Oprah, so hear me out. You know what? That's actually insulting to Oprah. All right. I've got this lady I'm fooling around with now and then she has a boyfriend, but doesn't seem to mind hooking up with me when I ask her to.

[01:19:56]

Yeah, that chick's a fuckin nightmare, dude. And before we even go, you're not going to have a relationship with their. If she cheats on someone, she'll end up cheating on you and every time you fuck her, you're risking one of these times that boyfriend's going to find out and he might show up with a tire iron and, you know, remodel your face. Anyways, when we met, she never wants to go further than second base saying that would be cheating.

[01:20:26]

Last night, I went to her house to pick her up for a party, dude, there's not another woman out there that you could pick up for a party.

[01:20:34]

What are you doing? What do you want to be that guy? You want to be the guy who fucking plays with the tits and some fucking bra that has a boyfriend. Oh, there's nothing makes a guy weaker than fucking easy pussy, easy pussy has brought down more goddamn men. The lay up piece of ass. Because we're lazy anyways before we made it, and when I say we're lazy, I mean human beings in general. All right, ladies, before you fucking pat yourself on the back and make it touch, shake up.

[01:21:10]

Last night I went to her house to pick her up for a party before we made it in the in the car.

[01:21:16]

I had her up against my car. We were making out like World War Two ended.

[01:21:23]

I then suggested suggestively opened the door to the back seat. But instead of entering, she asked me if I loved her or if I just wanted sex. Yeah, dude, this girl's crazy. I neither confirmed nor denied either of those questions. Yeah, that's stupid as a great lie. That's great. All right, this is just straight across. This is a linear story, begins with deceit, goes into deceit, and it's going to end with it.

[01:21:51]

I just went back to kissing her.

[01:21:54]

After she got drunk at the party, oh, Jesus, now and you're sitting there like a fucking wolf waiting for her to get hammered, we talked again and she said she was willing to dump her boyfriend and have sex.

[01:22:09]

With me, if I just told her that I love her. And want to be with their. I actually don't, but I really want to bang this chick. I was thinking about just saying I love her and then dumping her after we banged, but I guess that would be kind of a dick move. Yeah, it would be. But I got to. Everybody's got to take responsibility for their actions. This fuckin woman is setting herself up for this shit.

[01:22:33]

My mom is my moral compass has no needle needle. Bill, help me out. Greetings from Belgium. I hope you were able to read that fluently, as you always do. Look at this guy, fucking sarcastic in a second language. Yeah. Listen, you know. Do you really want to be this guy? That's that's if you believe in karma, that's a really bad thing to do. All right. You're being lazy. OK, this girl's obviously damaged, there's something wrong with her, and if you do what you're thinking of doing just so you can bang her, you're really going to devastate her.

[01:23:16]

And is it worth devastating another human being? Just to just to Phuket, Bangor, here's one for you. This is classic. All right. This is not my advice, this is standard advice. OK? Here's the deal, why don't you rub one out to her and afterwards, immediately think, do I really think about what you're doing and the way you're going to be getting this girl and ask yourself if you really want to do it?

[01:23:45]

All right. And then act accordingly, and if you still want to do it, please don't ever get a job in a corporation. Because you will move up that ladder in 20 seconds. Oh, my God, he's a sociopath. He has no feelings. He doesn't care about people. Let's give him a corner office.

[01:24:06]

OK, ex porn star or something. Porn is old, says, Dear Bill, I'm a 22 year old lady seeking some valuable male insight and perspective.

[01:24:16]

I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and everything's been incredible. Well, congratulations. I have no feeling that this is going to go in a different direction anyways.

[01:24:29]

We felt like soulmates and didn't like to be apart.

[01:24:32]

However, all of a sudden he became very distant towards me. I tried to ignore justifying it with some personal issues he was dealing with. Little did I know. Those personal issues also involved me and his ex.

[01:24:44]

Oh, jeez. Feeling a horribly familiar sense. Feeling a horribly familiar sense. Infidelity, deja vu, I think you skipped the word there, I did something awful I could kick myself in the face for I looked through his laptop.

[01:25:03]

I know it's a really disturbing, despicably dick thing to do. But I needed some strand of truth, even if it would break my heart. I got to tell you something. If he was being a good guy and you did that. You know, that's a piece of shit thing to do. And the fact that he was giving you the I'm cheating on you vibe and you still felt like a piece of shit by going through his emails, you're a good person.

[01:25:31]

You're being too hard on yourself. What are you supposed to be, you know? That person in Goodfellows is content to be a jerk. What am I supposed to say that my boyfriend cheats on me? See, I switched it up for you anyways. I read an email he wrote to his ex-girlfriend expressing his lament about being with the wrong person. Well, there you go. It's over. Game, set. Match. It went and went on about how amazing she was and how any other girl, me would only ever be second best.

[01:26:04]

This prompted me to look through his photos, and I found some recently opened, but only nude pictures of her.

[01:26:11]

This hit me really hard because unlike regular porn, nude pictures of exes holds something sentimental value. I don't appreciate or think it's is appropriate. Well, that's about as lightly as you can put it. Yeah, you should definitely not appreciate that he actually knows that woman in Bangor. Putting myself in this conundrum, I couldn't bring this sensitive topic up without admitting I invaded his private. Various privacy, although my hunch was right, I know I was wrong and looking through his personal shit, but is it wrong of him to still masturbate to naked pictures of his ex even after he reassured me he had deleted them?

[01:26:54]

How would I go about talking to him about this, or is this situation better left undiscussed now that we are on better or closer terms? I appreciate a piece of advice or opinion greatly. Go fuck yourself. Questionmark.

[01:27:14]

You know. I can't even fucking answer this one. He gave you the vibe like he was fucking around on you, and he is. He is fucking around on you. And that whole thing about that, your second best, go fuck yourself. Fuck that break up with the guy. All right, you know what your biggest problem is, sweetheart, is you are a sweetheart. And this guy is, at the very least, a confused. He's a fucking dirtbag.

[01:27:54]

He's not being honest with you, OK? That's the thing about. If you're a sweetheart in life, male or female. Pieces of shit gravitate towards you, they need a sweetheart in their life to put up with their piece of shit behavior. So what you have to learn to do that if you are a sweetheart, if you are big hearted person, you have to be guarded. All right, and you have to make somebody earn the fact that you're a sweetheart, you just don't give it away.

[01:28:25]

All right, because when you just giving it away and you fuck a nice day, how are you? I just met you. Will you help me move? OK. That's the nice thing going you're going to get taken advantage of. So this guy's taking advantage of you. Fuck this guy. Break up with them, OK? If he wasn't such a fucking shifty piece of shit, you wouldn't have to done that piece of shit, then he basically gave you grounds for a warrant to go search through his shit.

[01:28:50]

All right. And you were right, OK, although you didn't get a warrant, you kind of did it like the rogue cop who now wants to throw his badge on the desk, yet still go out and solve the fucking crime like all those 80 cop buddy movies. But you were right. You deserve better. Fuck this guy. All right. It should break up with them, even though it's going to hurt. All right, so you know what, I think that that's going to be the podcast for this week, a little under an hour, I know that's shorter than what you're used to, but.

[01:29:21]

I got to I got to upload this and send it to my guy to give it to you guys that you're now listening to, and by the way, I was did you guys check out Breaking Bad? I was on Breaking Bad last week, last night and everything. I didn't get a chance to watch it.

[01:29:37]

But it's always weird watching yourself anyways, but I love that show, so I have to. I'm actually two episodes behind, but I picked up my Twitter and I got nothing but positive things. Thank God, thank God. So I appreciate everybody saying that because, you know, this acting stuff is new to me.

[01:29:56]

All right. So all the compliments you gave me really makes up for the fact that you break my balls about my podcast every week. So thank you to anybody who wrote something nice on Twitter that really made me feel good and and go fuck yourself to all the people who are now going to write mean shit because it's funny, which it is, but I don't care. The honest reviews already came in, so have at it have a good time trashing me.

[01:30:17]

I don't give a fuck. That's the podcast for this week, by the way.

[01:30:22]

I'm going to be down Nantucket Wednesday night, I have a show Wednesday night down in Nantucket, there's still tickets left.

[01:30:32]

It's going to be a great show where I basically perform to.

[01:30:39]

Like fishermen in the fucking Illuminati, it's going to be a really interesting mix of people. And I'm really excited to go down there. Beautiful, beautiful island off the coast of Massachusetts and what else do I got? You guys want to hear some of my other upcoming dates before I bring this mercifully to an end. What do I got? Oh, Jesus, Bill, why don't you have things ready? Why don't you have things ready?

[01:31:05]

I'm going to be at the Orlando Improv. Beginning on September 7th and then on the 8th and on the ninth, I've never been there before and I got Caroline's on Broadway, New York City rescheduled that one that I moved in July. It's going to be September 20th, 21st, 22nd and twenty third. And that's it, other than. What do we got here? Oh, Jesus. Hang in there for a second, I got one other thing that I want to tell you about.

[01:31:37]

And that would be. Oh, here it is. Here it is, the real quick Amazon.com people, if you want to support this podcast and the Wounded Warriors project, just go on to the podcast page on Bill Bergkamp click on the banner ad, the Amazon banner ad and go to Amazon and buy something. You have to do anything else once you get to Amazon, if you buy something. Amazon kicks me a little bit of money and I throw 10 percent to the Wounded Warrior Project and Gamefly Dotcom.

[01:32:07]

Anyways, thanks for clicking the Gamefly Banon's for your free to two, just two week free trial. Over 40 people did that last month. So thank you very much for that. And hopefully you enjoyed the service. You enjoyed your 8000 games that you could try for two or three weeks. If you want to be part of those people who are doing it, having a great time playing video games instead of paying attention to their significant others. And you want to free two week trial, you can go to Gamefly dot com slash or the banner ad on my podcast page for your free trial, free trial and enjoy all all the video games you can play.

[01:32:39]

That's it. You guys have a great week. Go fuck yourself.

[01:32:41]

Don't take any shit I'll talk to.