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Hey, what's going on is Bill Byrne, it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and oh, I'm just checking in on you, checking in to see how you're doing. What's up, sports fans? Fans of many sports, what are you guys doing? What do you watch and watch the NBA watch the end of the fucking NHL? I watch in Major League Baseball. I'm just excited that it's back.
I'm not excited that that fucking air conditioner just cranked right at the beginning of this. Whatever.
It's better than sitting outside in the fucking heat shit to them skaters. Joe Rogan, just fucking Instagram, something terrifying, something about a bunch of genetically altered mosquitoes. Now, in theory, it seems like it's going to work that these fucking mosquitoes go out and they breed with these genetically. I think they sterile.
Is that Cheryl? Are they sterile, sterile, Cheryl? I have a friend named Cheryl and she's had plenty of babies. Why would you introduce that? It's bad enough that white women just lost the name Karen. Now, are you going to try to take away Cheryl? What next? Nancy, genetically altered mosquitoes.
What's the end game? Everybody, I swear to God, you guys remember that show Breaking Bad. Of course you do. All right.
Now, remember everything Walter White did to fix a problem just created another problem. 750 million genetically engineered mosquitoes approved.
All right, what is the purpose of this? And why weren't we allowed? This is one of these things like why aren't we allowed to vote on this? Hey, man, like we're going to start making genetically altered mosquitoes. Jesus Christ, I'm in the middle of nowhere right now, my first road gig in a long time. And I got I got country.
I got that country. Asked the Internet.
Well, what's your what's your Rush Limbaugh? We got all fucking day out here. You know, Jesus didn't have Internet. Look what he accomplished. All right, CNN. Oh, Jesus, they're going to somehow blame Trump for this and will go on Fox News and they're going to say it was fucking Obama, not Clinton. Hillary Clinton's fault. They came out of her vagina. A plan to release over 750 million genetically modified mosquitoes skaters into the Florida Keys in twenty twenty one and twenty twenty two.
This is people in Florida. You realize you fucked up so many times on national news that you are now expendable. All right. You don't see them doing this in Georgia, do you? Ain't fucking with them. Georgia Peaches received the final approval from local authorities against the objections of many local residents and coal and a coalition. Coalition, sorry, of environmental advocacy groups, the proposal has already won state and federal approval with the urgent crisis facing our nation and the state of Florida, the covid-19 pandemic, racial injustice, climate change.
Jesus Christ, can they put enough stuff on this sandwich? Have a peno peppers. The space race, the Cold War. Fascism, the administration has used tax dollars and government resources for a Jurassic Park experiment. Now, wait a minute, are you supposed to do the experiment before you do this? Should J.D. Hanson, policy director, now the Monroe County Mosquito Control District, has given the final permission needed, what could what could possibly go wrong?
We don't know because EPA unlawfully refused to seriously analyze environmental risks. Now, without further review of the risk, the environment, the experiment can proceed. What are they trying to achieve? Approved by the environment, the pilot project is designed to test a genetically modified mosquito. Skil is a viable alternative to spraying insecticides to control. Ages ago, I guess it was that Latin for mosquito, it's a species of mosquito that carries several deadly diseases such as Zika.
Denga. And chikungunya and yellow fever. Yellow fever. I heard of those other three need to get a publicist. All right, this is what the fucking problem is, is nature is trying to get us back in balance. You know, with these diseases, and that's what the mosquitoes are for, and now we're going to stop it. So let's say this fucking works, the population is going to continue to grow wildly out of control and create more problems.
So what I blame is religion and God for this. I blame both. I blame both. All right, I blame religion because religion says God created created us in his image and he thinks we're the greatest, especially if you're part of my religion, as all religions say.
And then I blame God for being dumb enough to create human beings that would do shit like this. Or maybe he did it because he wanted to watch. But if I created an animal that thinks they can actually beat nature, what would that look like?
You know, I've been laying out what the hell is even though he's been laying around since he created the fucking universe, I don't know.
Sometimes I really believe it's just a kid playing with his toys. You ever heard that theory? Eventually he's going to get too old to play. What the fuck was that noise that was unsettling. Fuckin door closing anyway, so there you go, genetically altered mosquitoes and they sent them right down to fucking Florida. And you know what, you dumb fucks, you deserve it. You deserve it. You know, Maheswaran fucking morons. You know, I was thinking about this shit the other day, the fact that people like fucking idiots.
With my level of education, a questioning scientist, you know, I saw something on. These guys figured out how to make like a micro pancreas. OK, to cure day, and they say that's going to cure diabetes, which means they figured out how to give a rat diabetes. They growing ears on the back of rats. OK, I mean, what the fuck can you do, her steel cable, they tell you to wear a fucking mask, you idiots.
I am on the Facebook everybody, because I'm an old person and I love. I absolutely love that we drove all of us old people, drove all the young people away from Facebook, I love that it was your club. And then we all showed up in your fun ended. I enjoy that. That's one of the great things about being old. You know, at first I was fighting and I was like, no, I want to do that.
I going to walk into where there, you know, longest time have been. I don't want to do that. I want to do it on social media. Oh, God, Mom, can I post without you being on my side? That's it's just funny to me.
Anyway, let's talk a little bit of playoff hockey, did I call it or did I call it with the St. Louis Blues series? I did. Until last night. I was watching the game the other day when I did my podcast on a Sunday evening and the Vancouver Canucks were up two games to none against the St. Louis Black and Blues. Right. The losers is Joe Barton from Peikoff calls him, which is hilarious, he still calls it the defending Stanley Cup champions.
Right. And I said, you know, they need to win game three because, you know, I watch my Bruins go up to two against them and then they just beat us down to their fucking talent level and won the game. And you know what? The Canucks lost game four of the game three, and then they lost Game four, it was tied to two, and then the blues went up three games to one. And you know what I was saying to myself?
I was like, Bill, it's time for you to stop being a fucking baby about your fucking stupid team losing. Last year, the blues won fair and square. Stop crying about it. And I was all ready to do that. And then the Canucks came back, score two one answer to tie it up in regulation to go into overtime.
And then they had the game winner to win four to three, I missed the whole game because I was out last night doing stand up, which is such a fun thing to say. I missed my Boston Bruins coming back in the third period on Monday night. I missed them closing it out last night because I was doing stand up. Bruins beat Caroline four games to one. Vegas closes out Chicago, four games to one, Vancouver Canucks three games to two.
I finally now respect the St. Louis Blues like they give a shit, but I have a pitch for my Boston Bruins, you know what I mean? For when we come back. And all is well. And, you know, they always have like songs, you know. You know, like whenever there's a fight on the ice, they play like, why can't we be friends?
Why can't we be friends? They they do that type of shit.
You know, they play old rock songs. I got one for David Craig. Whenever he scores a goal, you may remember that Guns and Roses song, second side, appetite for destruction. You're crazy.
You're fucking crazy bad.
Now, I think they should play the end, right. That will bring it down. You're fucking crazy. Whenever he scores, you know, and if there weren't fucking kids there, they could do it.
You know, you will bring it down. You're fucking crazy, Jack.
Sorry, fucking throat is dry shit out here.
Or maybe I don't know how to sing properly. Wouldn't that be a great one? What does it say to the children?
Stop saying the F word while they watch adults beat the shit out of each other. Where they learn how to change the tone, they don't like the tone in their classroom, drop the gloves. What else has happened? I love the call last night by Jack Edwards when I watched the highlights when the Bruins.
Patrice Bergeron. They tied it up one to one that was like fucking three and a half seconds left. And. It was a shot on net. There was a save by Marusek, it goes behind the neck, Bergeron goes to get it as he's going to get it, he's glancing over his shoulder to see what his options are out front and sees there isn't any. He spins around, he looks out front like he's going to pass it to someone and just threw it into the legs of the goalie, ricocheted off and went into the net.
And Jack Edwards just go Maraire.
He caught Mirazi and he goes, Mrazek took a nap.
Got to love a homer.
What's up, sweetheart? What do you say to us? We don't. Oh, yeah. We got a new credit card because somebody double swiped our shit or did somebody misplace? You misplaced it. I like your outfit, you look beautiful. Oh, yeah, I'm just going to go strut around town. Who is he will be banging a farmer.
All right. You don't have to be lonely.
And farmers only dot com co. since the coyotes packing with an impressive seven one victory. And look at that, look at that fuckin Montreal Canadiens, the Montreal Canadiens, up three two over your number one seed in the East Philadelphia Flyers. Dallas up three to two islanders, up three one. Looking to close out the caps today. Dallas looking to close out the fucking Canucks and then over to the NBA. What do we got? Speaking of Philly, losing.
Jesus Christ. The Boston Celtics absolutely hammering the Philadelphia seventy Sixers last night, one 28, one to one up two games to none. But I'll tell you, seven game series could turn a real quick. Got to go out on a limb here and say the seventy Sixers got to get back into this series with a big victory in game number three, Mavericks won.
Twenty seven won fourteen. Why the fuck are they playing the Clippers?
Are they out in the West? Mavericks, I'll never I'll never you know, Milwaukee Brewers to me are still in the American League. Why the millennium, why the Milwaukee Bucks fame, the L.A. Clippers? Well, you know, at this time, it seems like the franchises are looking to try something different. You know, that was really good on the Mavericks. I'm sorry, I'm thinking Milwaukee Bucks. I'm a dope. Sorry, Mavericks. I just saw an them.
I really should get my fucking brain checked out. All right, Buck are playing the Magic 6pm today with the Greek freak runnin wild out there in Cream City. There's still the team to beat out in the east. I'd love to see the Milwaukee Bucks win a championship. Would that be great? Portland Trailblazers. Who is that guy out there? Rain in the fuckin threes down on the Lakers. I don't watch a lot of NBA, but I do follow crime faces on on Instagram.
And the dude who runs that was going off on it. All right, all right. Yeah, just text me whatever you just said, because you did such an exaggerated thing. I couldn't read your lips I was looking at with your teeth. All right.
Anyway, so, yeah, I did another spotlight. I've got three spots this week. All right, after it it. Going not fun. Saturday night, and then me figuring out how to play a parking lot I was doing stand up in the woods last night. And popped in, did a show in a field, and I had a great fucking time, I actually had a great time, I was saying stupid shit. And as far as I know, I didn't get in trouble for it, so I'm going to go out on a limb and I'm going to say stand up his back.
Yeah, I think it's back. So I'm going to I'm going to try to figure out I'm gonna start doing some shows probably out east, the northeast area is probably where I'm going to go because who's kidding? Who? I don't know. You know, I try I've tried to defend the red states, and you guys are just you just fucking blowing it. All right, with you, actually, but I live in California, we're also blown it, so I don't know, I'm just fucking with you.
I'm going to go there because it seems like that's the least amount of covid because I don't want anybody to catch covid go into the show or whatever.
And and, oh, you know what? Freckles needs to make a little bit of money. I'm not going to lie to you, OK? You know, you might have seen me on I love the 80s strikes back on VH1, OK, but just because I'm on that doesn't mean I can't work for the rest of my life, OK? I'm not I'm not living like that. I got a mortgage, too. All right, now it's got a fucking mosquitoes that will have genetically once do I let it bite me, huh?
Why don't they make genetically altered mosquitoes that don't have that fucking thing? Well, because they've got to eat, right? I don't know why are we fucking with nature? Here's a good one for you. Nature is perfect. If you don't fuck with it, it's perfect, human beings are extremely flawed. You know, well, I guess animals are flawed, too. You got the weak one in the litter. I have no idea. All I know is that we should not be going out here playing God genetically altered mosquitoes.
Well, guess what? Improv I won't be doing soon. The Florida Keys chocolate will not be on my fuckin.
Why don't they make so what do they have down there? These genetically altered ones? Do they have, like mosquito aids or something like that, and then these guys, these fucking mosquitoes are going to go run them and then they're going to die?
Is that what it is? I don't know everybody. At Phuket, you know, you got to love a fly, the plane is a great they eat shit, you know what I mean? They land on you. They're just annoying. Flies are just annoying. You know, everybody has that one person in their group of friends that they just keep hanging around even though they're annoying. But a mosquito, you got to cut that out of your life.
I will tell you what I am liking.
That I had been watching, I didn't notice until Mike Milbury brought it up, he was talking about the flip pass as you bring in and out of your zone. It's sort of like an over the shoulder pass with the puck and these guys have it down, and I'm thinking, like all of these years of doing the dump and chase, the flip pass seems to be thwarting the lock, the trap, whatever you want to call it.
It's fucking amazing. You know, and all this chuda has to do is settle the park down. I don't give a fuck. I'm just so happy I get to talk about sports.
So anyways, I am out here in the middle of nowhere where I wouldn't mind living. I'll be honest with you. I've been out here since yesterday.
We flew out here and you know what I do now, because I'm so back into doing the helicopter shit is I would love to fly a helicopter out here. I'm out here and I can't see where I'm at, but I'm out here. And. It's it's. What I just love when I was coming into land was all I could think of is if you had an engine failure, you have so many places that you could put it. You know.
But the great equalizer out here is the weather I'm not used to flying in weather. So but still, I would just look at the forecast and I just would fuckin, you know. Just fly on nice days and then I could be over. Green grass. You know, as opposed to just flying over a city. Trying to find a street where there's not a bunch of people on it. If you ever had a problem, so it's kind of cool and.
I don't know, I like this shit, I know there's a bunch of comedians live in L.A., but you know what? I'm toughing it out. I'm hanging in there.
You know, I love L.A. I don't give a fuck because I just don't get where where are you going to go? That's my thing.
I understand leaving because you're getting the shit kicked out of you in taxes. I understand leaving because you don't fucking like the place, but like. I don't know, it just seems like everywhere you go, there's going to be a new set of probably go to Florida, they got genetically altered mosquitoes. All right, you go you go to Wyoming, you have people that were born in Wyoming, I mean, everywhere you go, there's going to be a problem.
Kidding. Although I did go to Wyoming, I went there one time to do a show and I did not have a good show. They were looking at me like I had fucking 12 heads. It's always bugged me, so I have to go back and to kill this fucking flight right now. No, not because I'm going to use my hand and everybody know, oh, I got him.
I got him. You're fucking dead, motherfucker. So I should start taking karate, huh?
Although I didn't use chopsticks, I use my fucking. I use my hand. A fucking white was that movie. Jesus Christ, I can't what do Asian people, Asian people who are in the martial arts world. How insulting was that movie to your fucking culture, that absolutely ridiculous fight stance, which I know a bunch of people have made fun of. But let's let's just get on to the whole fucking you know, you whack some cars, wax on, wax off.
And then all of a sudden, you know how to block punches. Am I really to believe that this white haired old Asian guys in Asia with chopsticks try to fucking catch mosquitoes and flies out of the fucking air? Oh, Jesus Christ. I would say, what do you think was more offensive? To. The art of martial, the martial arts, The Karate Kid, or Frank Sinatra's first white guy doing karate on on an American cinema in The Manchurian Candidate, you remember that, where he had one hand doing the horizontal karate chop fucking thing and then that he had his fist balled up fist right behind it, like he was going to do Bruce Lee's one inch punch.
I don't know. That stuff all fascinates me. The writers, like I was talking about the coming of age movies, how it's just it's always going to be in the writer's voice. So the jock who's dating the beautiful cheerleader, he has to be a total dick. He treats her like shit. And then the fucking nerd is actually, you know, really interesting.
Who do you think thinks more?
About they're about high school once they leave a nerd, because nothing that they wanted to have happened happened.
Or the popular person, this is an interesting question or the popular person like how I just deem this an interesting question because I'm asking and I want to know the answer or the popular person that fuckin.
You know, was fucking crush an ass, was killing it on the gridiron or whatever, I mean, can you imagine being popular and good looking? In the fucking high school and you go into this high school every day in every chick is available, basically it's like your nightclub. They all like you. They don't like you. But, you know, your ego's telling you that you got your pick of the fucking litter. They're not pressuring you to marry them.
They don't have any fuckin money. So what can you really buy? It's perfect, it's fucking perfect, and then you go out in the real world. And all your work, 12 grades a B in this shit all goes out the fucking window and you got to re-establish yourself. For the first time in your life, nobody knows who you are or gives a fuck. Then you got to go to the next level and you got to compete with all of those other popular kids.
It's like making your way up the sports ranks. Rankings, right? I wonder who thinks or you're the nerd. Actually, I was the cool person I know how to make genetically altered mosquitoes.
Why won't she touch my peepee? I don't know. By the way, how great a lot playing for the Bruins, you know, the man is getting the job done. Anyway, I got I got to do a little bit of advertising here. I'm out here in the middle of nowhere. I brought my entire family with me. We're having a great time. As long as I stay out of everybody's way, you know, as long as I stay out of everybody's way, everyone will have a good time.
This country has fucking Internet. I can't get my fucking emails to load. So hang on a second. Jesus Christ, you know, you try to type in your password and it just doesn't work. All right, here we go. We got we got a couple to reads here. Oh, look who it is. Would you look who just walked in the door. Talk about crushing ass in high school. It's simply safe, everybody. Simply save crushed ass in high school, always wore a condom, simply say, here's the thing about home security companies most trap you with high prices, tricky contracts and lousy customer support.
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Bergkamp, by the way, you know why these fucking guys picked the Florida Keys. Because it's right at the outskirts of our country, you know what I mean? Hangs off into the fucking water, so they're going down there and it's not like these genetically altered fucking mosquitoes aren't going to fucking make their way up, just like the killer bees did. Remember, the killer bees killer bees came along. And what happened then? What the fuck happened then?
They didn't kill anybody. I think that's what happened, that was a big that was sort of the Ishtar of the insect world. By the way, where the fuck do you house 750 million fucking genetically altered mosquitoes? You know, I wonder if they were they were talking to him. You know, they stayed in this giant like basketball fucking arena at the perfect temperature. They're all fucking in their. There's some mad scientist just walking around at the top of the fucking arena, all glass did.
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Jesus Christ, what the fuck are we doing? First, we genetically alter their food. Now we're going with mosquitos. What are they going to make next, next, AAA, not ferocious lion, that's what they're going to do. They're going to start genetically altering exotic animals. Basically, wild animals, so they're going to be like dogs. Which really were genetically altered, right? What did they do? They had the runt of the litter of all the wolves.
They just had for four centuries the biggest fucking pussy in the Wolfpack, the one that nature didn't want to breed. You know, that's what they make human beings are fucking we are like amazing and out of our fucking minds. Do you had a fuck?
Do you make do you take a wolf? And picked a wolf that that thing's going to fuck and then somehow in the end, you end up with one of those laptops, whatever the fuck you call them, LOPSA, Whoopsies.
You know. And then we have all these different fucking we breed all these dogs long snouts, so they can get in there and get that fox out of the fucking hole and all of that shit, and now that everybody goes to the grocery store to hunt.
Now now they're just coming up with ones that just make women go, Oh.
Like cock a poodle or whatever the fuck they want to fuck that they have. A labradoodle. Like, those things exist for no reason other than to just be cute, to make people go, oh my God, I'll spend some money on the. So there was like scientists. Just making dogs fuck. You know, like that weird manager that managed that that fucking group. Wow, wow. Oh, my God. He was trying to get caught.
He's encouraging the band members, they're all backing each others know what happened, how weird is that? And they were named after the noise that dogs don't really make, but we say they do. I think that's called the full circle of life. So they sit there and they just fucking like, what do they do? They make sure the dog doesn't jerk off, they get them all horny and then they bring in their fucking dogs. I am a fucking that.
Well, that's your only option. Dogs. I got Jesus Christ. All right, gets over there and just bangs it and then they see what it has. Not quite cute enough. They got to sit there and look at other how the fuck did they do the scientists? I don't know the worst thing about scientists is the fact that they've now been brought into the corporate fold and now all the corporations care about is the bottom line and making money.
In all of that shit. So then they take these people talents and they put them towards evil shit. Oh, geez, Bill, you're going deep now. I mean, you just you just said a lot of deep, crazy shit, but you have not given us one example.
All right. Fair enough. Fair enough, like, why can't I say scary things on the Internet? That's what everybody else is doing day. Genetically altered fuckin mosquitoes. You know, what's funny is they're not trying to save human beings because they give a fuck about human beings. All right, they need you to be alive. OK, so you can get into debt that you can't quite get out of your entire life so these people can continue. I don't understand why they don't just kill all of us.
You know, except for some people that know how to build shit. You know, why don't they just wipe everybody out, except for some top chefs, construction people, scientists to keep you alive? I mean, how many people would you need? That's a good movie right there, right, the top 10000. How many people do you think you to know everything that we know? I mean, and I'm saying it's all written down. And you have access to with computers and all that.
OK, so you got to keep you got to keep some Geek Squad people for when your fucking laptop goes. And I don't think you need them. Well, yeah, you do now, you don't you what you've got to take some people from fucking that round building, they're near Stanford. Rollo's fucking. Nameless people create come up with these amazing inventions. That dead Steve Jobs still keeps taking credit for from beyond the grave. What if he was fucking genetically altered, there was something going on with that guy where he wore the same anybody wears the same fucking clothes every day.
Is either a douche or genetically altered beyond I mean, stop trying to align yourself with fucking Einstein.
All right. He figured it out. You know, and now you're trying to do the same thing, I just have so much stuff to think about today. I can't take time to pick out this T-shirt of that T-shirt.
Nobody's that fucking busy. You know, I mean, Einstein, he did it back in the day when people sewed together their own fucking clothes. No, but there was there were nice clothes back then, actually. Wait a minute, that's Chanel check was around, wasn't she? One who was sympathetic to the Nazis. How come she doesn't get canceled? You fucking assholes, you're trying to change the name Airpark. I know why? Because she's got a vagina, you fucking stupid cunt.
I am so happy to be back doing fucking stand up comedy.
And that's it. That is that is that is all she wrote. You know, sports are back. It doesn't take a lot to keep me going. You know, a little breakfast sandwich here or there. I'm going to go hang out with my family. That's it. That is the podcast. Enjoy the music picked up by the wonderful Andrew families. And then we're going to have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
This episode will be a couple of years ago. It'll eat up another friggin hour, half hour of your time. There you go. Then you only got twenty three more hours to kill if you're doing blow.
All right. The rest of you, I don't know what to tell you. All right. Other than have a great weekend Yakuts and I'll see you on Monday.
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 20th, 2012. How's it going? How are you?
I can't fucking hear myself.
I don't know what the fuck happened to my my other my regular my regular headphones, which suck, by the way, because they flake all over my ears.
What does that mean, Bill? I don't know. Little pieces of plastic. You know, like they don't have the space age technology. Whenever somebody uses that expression, you know, they have no idea what they're talking. This is just coming from the gut.
Like they don't have the fucking space age technology to make a set of headphones that that will just last forever, you know. Can't do that, can't you?
Well, we might last forever. Oh, they're never going to come back and buy another one. Then what are we going to do? I don't know. Go plant some beats, you fucking cunt. Do you feel how fucking hot the sun is lately, have you felt it? You know, do you remember ever being as fucking hot as it is now, like literally God has a magnifying glass right up on the crown of your head?
Granted, part of it could be because my hair standing out, but I choose not to address that this week. You know, the god damn hole in the ozone layer, can you make fucking headphones last a little bit longer? You know, so now what? I'm supposed to throw out these other ones, these flaky ones that I can't even fucking find. Right. I love how you put it in a trash, put it in a fucking trash, like like it's still not going to end up outside somewhere.
It is outside. We just have it over here in this contained area.
You know what? I'm not going be able to tell whether any of this is funny because I can't hear myself. I'm like a singer right now, you know, turn up the monitors.
Oops, I did it again, I shaped my pussy. Yes, so I got to go out, go buy another another fucking pair of headphones, I'm one of those crabby old fucking people who I when I buy something, I use it until it's fucking it becomes literally a different matter, you know what I mean?
Starts dissolving into a powder, is that a different matter, all you eggheads out there? Well, technically, a powder is still a solid. It's just that a more granulated form. Thank you.
Never fucking got your dick sucked. Why don't you go back with your lab coat and have a nice fucking hand job with yourself and type in it again later when I say something stupid.
I'm a little wound up this morning, I'm excited.
An older, wiser Bilborough, wiser than he was last week, I'm finally back are back here in Los Angeles, Los Angeles, you know, which is always, you know, kind of a creepy place to come back to once you've been on the East Coast and you're sitting there looking at all the green trees and all the ponds and all the lush land back there, and they fly across the fucking country, as I always say, watching the country slowly die.
Right. Slowly getting fuckin, you know, geographical chemotherapy. This used to be a big bandanna tied right over fucking Arizona in southern California. Oh, that's good belt.
Little cancer joke in there with your fucking musings about our topography of topography.
But I got to admit, I'm actually excited to be on this side of the country. I think I have a better chance of surviving whatever the fuck is going to happen to this planet, believe it or not, in this overpopulated city that technically has no water supply. I have a better fucking chance. Why you ask? I'll tell you why. Because I read a fuckin article. I didn't read it. Who's getting who? I glazed over it.
And it was so fucking depressing. It scared the fucking shit out of me. But as far as I can tell, New York City is going to look like Venice in about three years. That's what I'm guessing. It's going underwater. That's what I think. So if you're on the third floor lower, you might want to consider selling your apartment now. They're just doing all this shit talking about how, you know, the glaciers are melting at a much quicker rate.
When scientists first feared. Look at this picture from July. Now look at this one, you know, I have no idea. You know, it's funny. I have no idea if the pictures are even fucking real. You know, they're like these these pictures that show like, you know, red and white, white obviously being the glacier red, being now like fucking the sunburned shoulders of a red head or some shit. Right. So it's basically scaring the shit out of me.
And then I actually found comfort in something. Well, they were saying the scientists, you know, now so much shit has melted in Antarctica. They're actually saying that this is even being recorded, I can't even fucking hear myself. What's the solution, Bill? Should you turn it up a little bit, maybe a little bit halfway through it? Why not? Now, look at it now. It just went through the fucking roof and I still can't hear myself anyways.
Scientists or the writer who wrote the article, maybe they just made it up.
I have no fucking idea. Basically said that they discovered, you know, that back in the day, Antarctica was Antarctica below Antarctica.
Antarctica. Who gives a fuck? You know. Got in place with those fucking penguins sitting there pushing their fucking eggs up, who fucking went to saw that March of the Penguins? Why don't you just call it I want to cry for the final half hour. You know, that's what every nature show is, let's show you how fucking cute they are, and now we're going to show you what we're doing to them.
And now you sit there with this hopeless, sad fuckin feeling. Right?
And then what if you'd like to donate, give the back and save the penguins feet.
Right, dotcom. And then what do you do? You go over to your checkbook. You know, when you pull out another check and you're right, you write it out and then you grab a fucking envelope and you grab a stamp, you do all that bullshit or you print out a stamp.
If you and Stamps.com or you mail it off thinking you did a good thing, what did you do?
Just used a whole bunch of people, you know, right, you do that, and if people do that, they got to cut down another tree right next to, you know, that little fucking penguins got nothing to suddenly, you know, when he jacks is a little fuckin penguin deck to make another egg. And then I work out like asexual. Not they fucking jack off with their little flipper into the other flipper and then do like a pap smear fucking sort of a George Gervin lay up to their own fucking crotch area.
George Garvin, the iceman, that actually made sense, penguins ice right there. Go fuck yourselves anyways, so.
This part is it made up, they actually said that the fuckin Antarctica that that the fucking Antarctica OK, for you people who are scientists out there.
Jesus, Bill, just say what they said. Just say what the guy said that they said that you now believe he said. I can stop talking myself, phone that Antarctica, people punching the dashboard right now spit it out.
Antarctica used to be a tropical forest. All right, I know a lot of rednecks went up there you go, shit, you know, I don't feel bad about driving my fucking Ford highboy into the fucking swamps running over favor. Well, I think their tales are so flat. They used me round to me.
My truck went in that creek.
Hey, we ain't got no luck in driving over some hairy little fucker. I love it. Raccoon's there's just something about raccoons, possums, all of them. They just got this look on their face. It just says, shoot me, you know? I'm just going with my instincts about nature, and I'm just go with it. I'm saying these little fuckers, the staring at me, I got my headlights on them. They just keep fucking looking at you.
Don't get shot. Stop fucking looking at me. That's how I look at it.
This is what I believe with that information that that guy said that the other guy said that know what they're talking about.
So I think that the global warming.
I can't believe I'm actually trying to attempt to discuss this subject. I think global warming is actually natural, but we are hastening it. We're just making it way fucking quick. We have it on fast forward like you fast forward through commercials. That's what we're doing.
And we're doing that towards our our own fucking demise. Which I think is going to be tremendous. You know, and there will die and there may be all this shit that, you know, and they put a microscope up to your skin, all that little shit there that's crawling all over you. Maybe maybe that's the next thing that's going to build a skyscraper named after themselves and have people write a whole fucking nice version of their life because they're afraid that there actually is some old man in the sky that's going to fucking judge them when they die.
You know, if you could write your own little thing.
Your own little ditty about your life, how would you sum yourself up?
I love people that kind of know they were a douche, you know, although he didn't always write.
They, you know, like, OK, I know I'm kind of going to hell in a way. Speaking of which. I started reading this book, Sins of the Father. It's a book I wanted to read for a long time. It was about Joe Kennedy and I figured, what better time to start reading that book while I was taking an ultra white vacation on the island of Nantucket.
Considering you get on the high speed ferry, run over a couple of seals right out of Hyannis Port, home of the Kennedy compound, you know, and for so long, what did they say? They call it Camelot. They're the first fuckin royal family and all that bullshit. Right. But I always heard, you know, that what's his face? Joe Kennedy was, you know, God damn rum runner. You know, he made all this money, insider trading and all this fucking bullshit.
Right. So I want to I want to read what I want.
I want to see I want to hear the other side now that I've read the fluff. About all the sacrifices he made for this country and all these kids dying, you know, in war and in public servants getting assassinated and fuck and going skiing while trying to play football. Right. I was like, I got to check this shit out. And I read it. You know, I got the book.
I thought I was going to be a great book, that book. Is it's like a fuck, I feel like some soccer mom reading some juicy, like summer novel, like I should be digging my toes in the sand with my knees up to my chest as I read it. It's just such a one sided and it's so, so much fuckin hearsay. You know, did he did he do this for this reason or maybe he did it because he was a cunt?
First of all, the guy made a fuck load of money.
All right, let's let's get down to brass tacks. The guy is one of the weirdest looking human beings I've ever seen in my life. I used to think all the Kennedys had that same look about them because they sort of did a Rothchild thing where they kind of they kind of fucked real close to the farm, so to speak. So they kind of had that.
And yeah, here comes my big fucking head over here. Right.
Is a fucking weird looking dude.
I will definitely give you that. But when he did his insider trading, it wasn't illegal. You know, the guy actually says in the book that it wasn't illegal, so he didn't do anything wrong. You know, it was looked down upon. It was considered a shady thing to do. But the guy goes and then he has some sort of quote of Joe Kennedy go. Let's do this quick before they make a law against it. It's like, where did you get that fucking quote from?
I don't know. So all I do is I'm just skipping around the book. I want to see how he reacted when when Jack got whacked. I want to see what happened to that kid that, you know, they said was mentally challenged but maybe wasn't was just a pain in the ass and they gave her a fucking lobotomy. It's really just a sad fucking read. I just jumped around it and now I'm going to use it as a fucking paperweight.
And I can't tell you how long I wanted to read that book. I know what you're thinking right now, but where the fuck are you going with this? I don't know. I don't know where I'm going, I can't fucking hear myself. All right, for those of you who did listen to my podcast last week, I have a new standup special called You People are All the Same and it's airing exclusively. It's streaming, whatever you could say on Netflix.
And I know what you're thinking.
Is it only on Netflix in America or the United States? No, sir. Ma'am. Transgendered person. It's hermaphrodites. It's also on Canada, Netflix. It's also on Ireland, Netflix and Great Britain.
Netflix, which I'm really excited about because I think I think I have a very a very user friendly special, a little choked up there.
I think people are going to like it when you think about that. I'm actually I'm feeling good.
You guys you guys wrote so many nice things to be on Twitter, which is a rarity.
To just get a whole nice sea of niceness, I know a couple of cunts right now, just for the fuck are they going to write a bad one? But I know what you're up to. So people ask me, they said, hey, how can I be a regular guy, regular old gal, just salt of the Earth person, how can I get a hard copy version of that hour of filth that you just put out on Netflix?
This is the deal, the hard copy version, the digital version, whatever the fuck you want to download it to your iPod, your fucking iPad.
I don't know. Whatever you people use, I don't I don't fucking know anymore. OK, however you want to you want to go fuck an old school. I'll put it on VHS. You keep running a Yap's. No, I'm not doing that. I put it out on DVD and all that stuff and you will be able to get it at my website.
And my website only built Bergkamp. That's it. We've got a whole page set up, but I just, you know, it will be coming out in September. Going to let it marinate for a good six weeks.
Let people go. Oh, I like it. Where can I fucking buy it? Right. And then, bam, it's going to be available. And the wonderful thing about this is I'm eliminating the middleman. And that way, it can be fuckin cheaper. You know, I'm basically I'm doing what Radiohead did 10 years ago. I'm doing what Prince did. I'm going to do that thing, you know, and now it's gone into the whole fucking comedy world with Louis C.K., Azeez and all those guys.
And I being the hack that I am, I'm following right in line. OK, seems to be working for everybody else. Why not make.
So there you go. That's how you're going to be able to get it, you just going to go to my website and as that day approaches, when you can do it, I will let you know and.
I don't know what the prices are going to be, it seems like it's going to be five dollars. I want to be I want to have it be five dollars and one cent just to fuckin piss people off, you know, sacrifice some sales just for people with this guy. I think he's one cent better than anybody else.
So that's that's the answer to your questions people have been asking me.
All right. And that is it, back to the podcast if this podcast is even being recorded. God knows I can't fucking hear myself.
Speaking of Stamps.com, everybody, come on, don't do this to me. I hate this computer, I fucking what is the problem? What is the fucking problem? I did it right. Oh, what now, are you going to freeze up on me, you're going to freeze up when I need you most? Right, right in the middle of the podcast. So now what do I have to do?
I have to force fuck and quit. I don't like Foursquare. That's a little too rapey, isn't it, in a computer sense, Foursquare. There you go. I'm forcing you to quit. Yeah. Like an overbearing father and you know, one thing that I noticed about myself besides, you know, the obvious that I'm an extreme douchebag is when I was down in Nantucket, I really had to work.
I'm not hating rich people just because they were rich. You know, let me get this stupid commercial out of the way here real quick, not a stupid commercial, a very important information. Let me get this to you here, Stamps.com. Everybody, are you going to the post office? You know, do you not like going to the post office?
Are you busy? You got stuff to do. Do you want to get caught up on your favorite show? But. Oh, snap. I have to go to the post office. Wouldn't it be great if you didn't have to go to the post office yet? You could get everything that you could possibly want at the post office minus the attitudes right in your own home apartment, gazebo, wherever you live.
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When I say you'll never have to go to the post office again, I really mean I you stamps.com. That's how I send out all my DVDs to all my shows. I love it. They give you a little scale. You feel like you're in business, you feel successful. You know, all that gives you the scale. I think they should give you a little hat. So right now, use my last name, Berbee. You are for this special offer no rest trial plus one hundred ten dollar bonus offer that includes the digital scale and up to fifty five dollars in free postage.
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So anyways, I'm down, I'm down in Nantucket and with our family, friends, extended family and all that type of stuff.
Nieces, nephews, the whole nine yards drinking again.
Oh, baby, I'm drinking again. You know, I'm down there boozing it up, drinking some of that CESCO brewery whale tale, pale ale, whatever they got down there.
You know, I got my little Nantucket red fuckin I'm friends with the banker shorts on.
I'm living the dream, all right. And I'm just sitting there walking around and I'm looking at all these rich fucking people. And I just find myself a fucking. The level with which I was judging them. Which, of course, no one would give a shit, you know, I mean, if I was judging, you know. Ain't able to do it if I was judging, like, you know, some poor group of people like that, I would be considered the biggest douche ever.
All right, you don't all these poor people, why are you judging in that way? Right, but you do. Why am I stuttering your fucking judge rich people that way? Everybody laughs They'll think it's funny. You know, I had to work the whole week. I was like, why do I hate that guy? How do I know he didn't get his money legitimately? Why am I immediately assuming that this guy was a complete piece of fucking shit?
You know, it is I don't like how rich people carry themselves, people born into wealth, they just have this like that time when I was in D.C. and that little fuckin six year old kid got up and walked right up to the bar, got cleaned up on the stool and started calling out to this adult behind the bar.
Sir, sir. Excuse me, sir. Like the I can I'll never be able to do the proper read of that. The way this kid said it, there was such a comfort.
And in summarizing this person over to come and talk to them to do whatever the fuck he needed them to do at six years old.
If I can annoys the shit, I mean, I was just looking in these this fucking rich people, they have the creepiest looking God damn kids you ever seen in your life. Just creepy little fuckin future bankers, CEO, looking kids, you know, little blonde hair.
They all got those chubby fuckin you know, all kids have chubby cheeks, but just the way they look, that WASPy pedigree. Right. Which is another thing I can get away with, you know what I mean? The WASPy pedigree, everybody will laugh because no one gives a fuck about that, you can trash WASPy people up and down. I can't be bothered with this this Jewish kind of blah, blah, blah. That's it. I got a fucking apology.
WASPy totally gets a fucking open lane. So when ways waspy fuckin look about them, right, with their fuckin, you know. They look like little Winston Churchill's, like they still talk like little kids, but they should be walking around. I shall never surrender. They just look like they're going to fuckin get they're going to get some great fuckin job and they're going to steal from the company. And when they get caught, they're not going to get fuckin prosecuted, just like these goddamn bankers, just like all these rich cunts.
They're just not gonna because they're going to have connections and he's going to know shit about people, whatever. And they just they just lock each other up the same way.
At the level that I grew up, you didn't rat out your friends that doing the same thing at their level except what they can do affects the entire population as opposed to the level that I came up with where, you know, maybe somebody's car that used to be there wasn't there anymore.
You know, that's insurance fraud. I guess that helps that hurts the group after a while, doesn't it?
I don't know. So that was basically what I had to work at, you know, and they had this place down the street called the summer house, I was staying out and constant. And it's absolutely fucking beautiful and. I just couldn't get myself to go in there. I wanted to go in there. I want to sit down and have a fucking drink, but every time I see another person going in with their fuckin boat shoes without any socks on, like I felt like this this hatred coming up in me.
And I justified it for like two, three days. And I was just like, what the fuck is wrong with me?
You know, I bet you know. Those people that they are probably just like me or the people I hang out with in that. As I always say, most of them are douchebags, but there's going to be like four or five people in, they're going to be really interesting. I will tell you, Tom, I flew on the plane, right? I sat next to that guy who made a ton of fucking money starting his own credit card.
And then he parlayed that money into buying cell phone towers. Guy was fucking hilarious, he had it lost it, had it all again, lost it, and then now he was on top again. He had this a what the fuck are you going to do? VIB self-made man. So they're going they're not all like that, but they all had that same idea for their fuckin feet, I can't stand.
I really got issues. Because here I am, I'm down there on vacation and to acting like, oh, but I'm the down to earth douche bag with my salmon colored shorts on fucking hypocrite.
I don't know. So anyways, I ended up going out fishing. With my family, we had a great time, didn't catch shit bluefish, didn't even catch a striper, didn't catch anything, but, you know, it was still cool and we didn't take more than that. Then we were going to eat. So I didn't feel too bad about that, but. I think I kind of got talked into doing something really stupid. The guy who had the boat actually had a fucking shark cage.
And he's like, you know, it's totally safe to take you about 15 miles out, which the water and you get in this fucking cage and you know what?
After all these years are doing bits about how fucking stupid it is to swim in the ocean and all that type of shit, I'm going to do it next year. I'm going to do it. I almost said it costs an arm and a leg. There's your fucking pun right there, your awful joke. But it does. It's really expensive. But I want to see a fucking shark. You know, and I got that white thing in me where I that white person thing where I want to see the shark being a shark.
You know, the same way I don't want to see a bear just walking through the forest. I want to throw something at it so it gets up on its hind legs and starts doing that shit like it's about ready to step into the squared circle, right.
I think that that is uniquely a white thing. That we we just we just want to see an animal looking like it's going to kill us or we don't feel like that we got the full experience. Not OK now can I not only not hear myself, it's getting hot as fuck in here and I don't even know why, Bill, because you know, the windows open.
Anyways, what else do I have here? What else do I have here on the docket? A shit that I want to talk about. Oh, as you can tell, I read Rolling Stone. Here's another article I saw, by the way. They have Rick Ross on the on the cover. I don't know much about the guy other than he's the most confident fat person I've ever seen in my life. For half a second, I thought it was little Wayne and he just went to like Wendy's for 20 days in a row.
How much does the tattoo artist not want a tattoo the underneath part of fuckin Rick Ross's mantis, you know, because at some point you're sitting there with your surgical gloves and you got to hold it up and actually feel the fuckin weight of it as you're fucking. I wonder if he giggles. I actually I started to read that article, but I cannot I can't read articles.
About rappers at that time who come with that vibe of look of look at all the shit that I have, it's the most you feel like you're reading like a fucking I don't know what Jordan Marsh catalog. That's all they that he said something. He was standing on Jewish marble. Is there a such thing as Jewish marble? I have no fucking idea. Is that somehow, like almost said kosher, like some fucking Borscht Belt joke?
At one point he goes out to a fucking steakhouse. They list everything that he orders and how much it costs. It's unreal if you if you honestly, if you have problems sleeping. Read that, and I'm not trashing the writer, I just I am on a fucking plane, I'm trying to kill time and I couldn't get through the fucking article.
How do you smoke weed the whole time? Do you have fifty thousand fucking cars? I got it. You know what they call that Nantucket, they call that new money. I never used to know what that expression is. He's new money. You know, an old money does old money acts like they don't have money, you know, I mean, they walk around and Salman fuckin colored pants, they call up their financial adviser and then they manipulate the market and they make more fucking money.
And then all of a sudden the prohibition comes along and they got to hook up for scotch.
So what do they do? They fucking do it. I really don't have a problem.
Well, you know something? I didn't get into Hawai. I don't know who the fuck knows, if anything that they're saying about Joe Kennedy is the truth.
I want it to be the truth, you know, because it makes you feel better about yourself. That's what it is. That's why you look at rich people like that. You have to look at them like they did something fuckin crooked, because if you don't, it makes you feel like a loser.
His fucking yacht is bigger than all the houses on my block. You know, now, if you give him the benefit of the doubt, then you just have to stand there and just take that shit or he can just say he's a crooked son of a bitch. He's going to hell. God loves me best. Right. And he can walk around with your fucking nose in the air like you better with your slightly cheaper salmon. covid fucking pence. I know what the fuck I'm talking about.
So anyways, so I'm not enough read that whole fucking Rick Ross thing. You know. I don't know. I'm sure he's got good music. I don't give a fuck. OK. How many different ways can you say I have more shit than you do? You know, like he was bragging about eating lobster bisque for breakfast.
That's what that's what new money does. New money gets like fuckin DVD. Those DVD players in the headrests, when you drive in like a two seater. No, that shit I got those. That's for the people behind me. That's how much money I have, I can actually waste it. Rather than taking that money and adding to my portfolio and and truly getting out of my fucked up neighborhood, I'm going to do that instead. That's what new money does.
Straight across the board. Straight across the board, you get a redneck, a bunch of money, you know, what's he going to do, huh? So you going to buy some gold? Is he going to, you know, try to invest it? I'm going to start a business now. He's going to put another three inches on that truck. He's going to get some big book and motors and he's going to fucking drive down the fucking street.
He's going to make his fucking engine waterproof, have that goddamn chimney coming up the side of it so he can go into the swamp and write back. I never have to fucking stop. That's my Apocalypto fuckin truck out there and shit happens. I'll drive over everybody. I'll just keep going until I get up North Pole, make myself fucked. Noko, that's what new money does. Right. Is that what they do? I don't know what they do.
You know, what I do with my money, I just sit and stare at it. I don't know what to do with the money that I have. I don't know. I have no fucking idea what to do with it. Because you know what? Wherever you invest it, this is a funny thing about investing your money, all of it involves you taking your money and giving it to somebody else and going, all right, call you in a month.
So the dumbest shit I ever did, you know, and the fucking stock market, that's like getting in the mob. Once you're in, you can't get out. Oh, you can get out, you know, but it's going to cost you going to cut your fucking dick off, get your fucking shit back out again.
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I want to see who the first Monday morning podcast listener is who's going to use legal zoom because they advertised here and now you're out of your cubicle.
Would that be a great that would be a great segment. You know, people talking about how they got inspired by this filthy podcast and they somehow got themselves out of that fuckin cubicle. Anyway, sign on drinking water here. All right, what else can I talk about here, 34 fuckin minutes and you guys watching any preseason football? Why not? What do you watch in baseball and the six teams that are competitive?
Speaking of which, I was back in Boston and I try really hard to listen to that sports talk radio. It's just it's impossible. Who listens? I actually feel bad for the on air personalities that they have to sit there for four fucking hours like those legitimate sports talk radio guys, not the smart ones who go. All right. It's a sports talk radio show. But we're going to talk. We're going to bitch about our wives. We're going to fucking talk about how we went golfing and we gambled and so-and-so sucked.
And I want all that guy's shit and smoke cigars. And if something interesting is going on in sports, we'll bring it up. Right. Like Roger Clemens gets acquitted.
You know, by the way, just because he got acquitted, he got acquitted of lying under oath, which is one of the most difficult things to prove.
OK, so but if you think that that guy didn't take a fuckin something and stick it, you know where and all of a sudden he's in those shiny things, you're out of your fucking mind. See how he did that so I can get sued? That's just my opinion. All right, I actually have a number of people that I'm watching as a sports fan at. You know. I'm telling you what's his face, Melky Cabrera. I almost called Paul VASI and gave him shit like I should have got rid of this guy.
All of a sudden he's coming on. That is the telltale fucking sign, I think, now of PEDs.
It's it's what it's one of it's basically as simple as this because you don't get fucking gigantic anymore. I think they got it down with that little cream al-sahhaf. They have like steroid lip balm. You know, you just put it on your bottom lip.
You go and next scene. Next thing you know, you're fucking running over people. You're turning the corner and you're hitting home runs.
Right. Just pay attention to people who were OK. And then they started to taper off and all of a sudden they're fuckin great. I'm telling you, that never happened when I was a kid. Once you started tapering off, you of you were fucking done. I don't know, maybe I'm sure there's always a couple of examples. Oh, by the way, one little fuckin Ed. Note last week when I brought up the the Spurs and the Houston Rockets, I talked so fast, it sounded like I was saying that those were pylon teams.
I wasn't saying that. So I wasn't saying that. I realized that, you know. You know, what's his face, Olajuwon, they drafted and I obviously, if I certainly realize that Tim Duncan was from this system because the Celtics were in the lottery that year and Tim Duncan would have been, you know, he would have been great anyway.
But he was such a perfect Celtic, you know, football, basketball, boring as hell, kissing the ball off the glass. Jesus Christ, if I could Tommy Hyson and David Robinson, I realized that those were your guys.
So I was trying to say that. Those teams I respect, they weren't pile on teams, but, you know, the NBA is silver. But your little dream teams. What the fuck was OK, so I actually and I'm not going to say the person's name.
But it is a running back in the NFL. And his last name is the name of a bear. And it also talks about maybe a lady's mouth. Oh, there you go. There's just somebody who I saw was, you know, was the man in college, was not the man in the NFL. And all of a sudden last year I watched him. He's fucking running over people.
Really, you learn how to run over people four years into it. I'm not buying, I'm not buying it.
And the last sentence he plays on the Seattle Seahawks, that's just a misdirection.
You'd have to be a two year old enough to figure it out.
All right. That's the deal I want to start taking fuckin Royds, they make it up for us now. I got a whole new spin on it too, so I can't burn too much of this. But it's about that Synergistics, those fuckin oldroyd it up.
Those guys, they're on their own. That's human growth hormone that those guys are on. You know, on this show, I'm sad with their man tits, Tex man tits on their stomach and then the stomach hanging on their fuckin giant old man ball bag, and then all of a sudden, like a month later, they look like an Adonis.
You know, the ball bag looks like a fuckin speed bag again, that right there, bang, their wife is over in the corner, right? Just fuckin squatting on a tub of fucking Bengay because he just tore it up like it was nineteen twenty six again. I want to know why those fucking people aren't going to get brought before a grand jury for cheating. You're going to bring Clemens out there. Clemens in his big old butt, right? You're going to bring him out there and question all the eighty seven Cy Young Award, he won past the age of 50.
What about these fucking old guys? All of a sudden they're old fuckin heads and their young bodies going to go down to the goddamn fuckin whatever the clam shack. Right. And just start banging out fucking 20 year olds. There's got to be a price that you're going to pay for that. Is God going to allow that?
There can't be a God. How is God allowing that? That goes against all the laws of nature, there's going to be fucking 80 year old guys with knocked up twenty five year old.
My girlfriend pregnant, right? They're going to be sitting there with their fuckin dentures and they're writing up bodies, trying to talk these girls into getting abortions, you know, I'm telling you, that's what's going to happen to this fucking generation. All these guys, these guys who invented the fucking YouTube's, the MySpace, the Facebook, all of them. By the time, you know, once they figure this shit out, by the time they get in their 80s, they're all going to be fucking royte it up.
They're going to be fucking knocking up fucking 22 year olds and then they're going to have them like they'll somehow have. KAFTA haven't whacked.
Can you imagine that, would you would you guys? I don't know. Would you do it? Because they're going to figure it out. Look, I'm 44. I figured by the time I got to start doing Royds, I figure right around 65.
So that's another twenty one years if you go back 21 years. What is it, 2012? 21 years. That's 1991. It doesn't seem that long ago to me.
Shit, I'm fucked, you're know, the next guy, you guys, you guys in your 20s, by the time you guys get to, you know. Because if you go back another 20 years, they'd be 1971 and when you took Royds back then, like literally your balls, they turned to dust. You had like Sidcup tennis and, you know.
It turned into a fucking werewolf. Women, dead women turned in a wherefore werewolf and guys became like these fuckin psychos, like women had like those Merlin Olsen beards. And then guys just became these are dinosaurs who look like, you know, had like they had no balls anymore and they had Tetz. They look like if. Who's that guy in the fuckin Chicago Bears? Like, if Mike Ditka became like a transgendered person, that's what she ended up fucking looking like and now, you know, you can't even look at Melky Cabrera, that guy didn't look like he was on anything.
So I figured by the time the people in their 20s, you guys get there, it's going to be fucking over.
Like how good you guys are going to look, it's going to be another 60 years of them practicing facelifts. All right, the probably cure baldness, they're not even going to know you're probably going to get carded at fucking 68. And that's going to be like the new thing with, like checks like the new llI guys are going to tell they're going to tell checks that they're legitimately 28 years old. And then one day you're going to forget to day your pubes and she's going to see a couple of fuckin silver ones down there or even worse white ones when she's down there grabbing your fucking prohibition era fucking dick.
She's going to flip the fuck out. Calling up crime A. What's wrong? I found out he's 80. Well, that's OK. He still has another 70 years left.
Right. I remember reading one time this guy that said these other guys said that the scientists said that the fuckin. That the body is actually the body, my Boston accent coming back via the body is designed. To live 150 years, you know, that's how that's how difficult life is. They had to have it designed to live that long because the way nature beat the shit out of you when you lived in a cave, you could only get fucking 30 years out of it, you know.
Oh, by the fucking way, not by the way, people, this is by the fuckin way.
Which, you know, then I'm about ready to tell you some shit that I believe in, baby, I'm at I'm at Logan Airport. Edward Lawrence Logan Airport, I finally learned that Logan Airport is named after Eddie Lawrence Logan, who was some sort of fucking military person who fought in the Spanish American war and that they used to have a statue of him before they had to make the airport even bigger because people are fucked it, you know. So I go there, OK, and I go through security and they got the giant fucking microwave, they want me to stand in with my legs spread doing the Jazy symbol, right.
While the Sammy Hagar from the 51 50 tour, depending on what generation you are, depending what side of the tracks you from. All right. Podcasters for everybody.
I'm sure someone in the village people did it there.
See that reached out to the gay community. Swell guy. Pat myself on the back here. So anyway, I say I'm not fuckin. You know, I'm opting out. All right, sir, can you go stand over there? I don't even like standing over there. I used to work in a fucking dental office when I would take an X-ray, somebody's tooth, one little fucking thing. And we put that camera right up to the side of their jaw.
We put a lead vest over all their vitals right down to their dick or hooyah.
And then I left the fucking room, stood behind a wall that had led in it, and I pressed the fucking button. Now I'm supposed to stand there. You know, like I'm just going into prison, they do everything, but you have you bend over and spread your fuckin ass cheeks. I'm like, I'm not fucking doing it. And I know what people are saying. Well, Bill, you talk on his cell phone, right? That's fucking radiation.
You're flying an airplane, right? That's fucking radiation. I understand that. I am getting radiated throughout the course of the day in the way I live my life. I understand that, OK, but I don't need to get extra radiated.
So if there's a way to opt out, believe me, if there was a way to opt out of flying on a fucking airplane, a viable way, aside from just saying, fuck this business, I'm going to buy an old bus and just drive around and that'll be my miserable life.
I would do it, but the fact that I can just stand there for an extra five, 10, 15 fucking minutes, you know, and rather than stand in that microwave, I could just go over and just have some, you know, sort of cute male person pat down my ass with the back of his hands.
The other sensitive areas, I would much rather do that. OK, and then, you know, people have given me shit about it saying it's stupid, it's fucking pointless and blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, so anyway, anyways, I'm at Eddie Lawrence Logan Airport, Edward Lawrence and.
I'm standing, I'm waiting, you know, and whatever you want to get fuckin patted down, they wait for fuckin ever, they'd make it take extra long. I'm convinced that they do it just so you just say, fuck it, I'm going to go into the toaster. All right. But I don't give a shit.
I always get to the airport early because I know the game that they're running over there. Oh, the lovely Nghia, everybody.
How are you? I'm good. Come over here talking to the microphone. How are you? We couldn't hear you last week.
Oh, I've been great. Thanks for asking. Great to be back. Are you reading from a script? I know who just woke up.
I have. Great. Thank you for asking. Yeah.
Where's the real Nia, who is a sexy robot that was replaced? Listen to this shit I'm telling this story about.
You know, I always opt out of doing the Jay-Z thing where they radiate everything but your fucking taint at the airport.
You know, you fuck and you have your hands like the Hoover sign. Isn't that what it is? Yeah.
So I'm standing there waiting. Right. And I'm staring down some bald headed douche. Who knows. First of all, they always have some chick there and she just goes, you know what? What are they what do they say? Male. What is what they say, male pat down or whatever they say, yeah, males support aisle five or whatever the fuck they say, and it's typical chick voice where it can only carry what is what is that you guys are good at yelling?
Yes, we are. Again, like, no one hears it. No one hears it. All right, good. You know, I got the microphone away. Yo male support aisle for yelling.
I want to hear it. I wanna hear it so far.
That's good. That has a sense of fucking urgency. All right, then. You know what? They don't put their fucking Hartnett. They just go male pack that.
I've got to say, because you can't scream and like, there's something going down or whatever. Yeah, but you got to communicate. You've got to communicate to those bald fatty's guys down there. We're going to put the back of their hands on my ass.
They're what they don't they don't get it. They have a whole system that they're talking to each other that you just fucking say, do you want here?
Not yours, obviously. All right. Well, listen to this shit. Listen to this shit. Let me let me get to the point.
Go make a time out. Time out. Get another microphone. Get another microphone. Hang on a second. We're actually going to pause the podcast part the podcast. All right, to the magic of hearing possibly something I never do anything actually hit pause, there are so many ways this deal. So I'm going through security. Yeah.
After all, these people ridiculed me like you were to get radiation anyways, man. So why not stand there and have literally have your entire body, but your tank lit up. Right.
So fucking standing there and this lady is going to be thanking Nancy Pelosi now for, you know, and I'm like, they're not here.
And you. They're not here. And then she goes, Sir, could you stand over there? I go, I'm going to stand around and watch my wallet. OK, you can stand right there. All right. So anyways, this fucking this Asian kid comes up fat Asian kid, one of the rare ones.
Why? Like like like like like a white elephant. Why is that relevant? Because Asian people in great shape.
The great I don't know what it is. They're fucking awesome shape.
Every once in a while you see one, you see a fat ass. You're like, holy shit. Right, I don't mean like he's a fucking did it on purpose to sumo wrestler. This is just a fact.
Sumo, sumo, Samoan, whatever fuck it is, this fat Asian kid comes up not relevant to the story, but it is for the comedy. It is. No, I say. All right, sorry. Come on.
Listen, I trashed WASPy fucking white people on this.
Oh, you. Did you talk about Nantucket? Yes, I did. Oh, yes. You just hate them. And I don't hate anybody.
I don't have hate in my heart. All right.
Shut up. Listen. So this this this dispersant, this fat kid comes up.
All right. And the and less because her high he couldn't even hear, he goes, he's like, what the hell? He's like, what I want to be like, how old are you?
That's what the fuck she's trying to say. Mm hmm. And he goes 13 and she goes, All right, come over here. And she had him go through the old school one.
Yeah. So basically, you want me to stand in something that could kill a 13 year old?
That's what the fuck I'm supposed to do, you know, on the whiteway, on the way out, on the way back twice to talk to TimeStep four times a month, I'm going to stand in this thing that can kill a 13 year old kid, I'm sure can't kill it. Maybe, like can affect his, like, puberty or his growth or something.
I think women in his dick I have a dick to watch because my dick's old now. Yeah. You're taking over already grown. Your balls are like down between your knees tubes. No one cares about it anymore. Like, it's just kind of like out of commission. I think women can avoid that full body thing by saying that they're pregnant and they won't let you go. They won't make you go in there if you say that you're pregnant. Exactly.
You think I could always you women always have the I'm just a girl excuse that's to get out of just a girl.
Horrific things that guys have to do. But stick with the thing here. If that fucking thing. How old are you? Thirteen. Get over here at him from getting like chest hair or something. But you. Yeah, you're old. Like, they don't care about you. It's the youth of tomorrow that we're concerned about.
Oh, there you go. I sat there and I cried the gay man. I almost I'm not even if this isn't about me, whether I feel like I'm old or not. I know I'm old.
I'm talking about some bad I almost hi5 myself. I actually I burst out laughing extra laughed because I wanted fucking Mary mumbles to be like Mary.
Yeah. What are you laughing at?
I'm laughing because I'm doing the right thing. If that fucking thing isn't safe for a goddamn damn I could see was a bear ad making some little baby crawl through there.
It's a fucking kid who probably knows more about computers than I do. And they like.
Yeah, no, I don't think so. Come over here. All right. Now, you know what it's time for?
It's time for some questions. Bup bup bup bup. Bu then we can wrap this up.
Oh first of all, gee Bill, I enjoyed your stand up special on Netflix Canada so much. Are you coming up there. Actually I'm not. I still have dates in the States.
Why don't you ever go to Canada. Oh no. You've gone to Montreal a couple times. Why don't I go to Canada?
Yeah, because I didn't like the way they were portrayed and all those Michael Moore movies, like they are just so goddamn perfect up there, despite the fact that they can't even handle losing a fucking hockey game.
Oh, that's burning down every Starbucks. Yeah, that was a kind of.
Is that something that Canadians do often, though? Is that a normal thing in Canada for the the riots to happen?
I would never pretend to think that I know what a Canadian person is thinking. Oh, you wouldn't I wouldn't say that's an arrogant thing to do. And you ought to be ashamed of yourself and you I, I love Canada. I've only been to Montreal. I've only been in Montreal. And that's why it was amazing. It was lovely. The people were awesome, really. Like strip clubs.
Like I went to England, I went to London and they'd be like, oh, I love England. All right, well, then get out there and muck it up. Get out there in the sticks. Find people who are too dumb to live in London.
I'd like to go to Toronto next to one of them with some fish and chips hanging out of his mouth. And you tell me how much you like it.
You get to the ugly, seedier side, the seedy underbelly, seedy underbelly, like we're going to Australia coming up, we're going to be golden, said Sydney, the shiniest of all shiny cities over there.
That's how you're going to judge us. Oh, we're going to Sydney. Yeah. Rather than going out to the fucking outback with all those toothless people playing that Longhorn.
That doesn't sound good, right? Did you see didgeridoo? All right. I'm going to be in Orlando, home of Disney World, September seventh, eighth and ninth.
Then I'm going to be in Charlotte, the comedy on September 13th, 14th and 15th.
So these are all the comedy clubs. What date was that again for Charlotte?
13TH, 14th and 15th of September. OK, great. I have some people that want to go to that call and then I'll be at Caroline's in New York City, the one I had to make up. That's right. To reschedule that because I had that I booked the pilot of the new the reboot of Zoom.
That's right. I'm going to zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom.
That's Caroline's is September 20, 21, 22, and I believe twenty three. It's a Thursday through Sunday. There's only three.
Oh, you're going to be gone a lot. Awesome. Yeah, we've had enough but we've had enough. We've spent a lot of time, a lot of time, lot of time on a site like that where you got a lot of time out of time.
It's been great. It's been good bye bye. Yeah. Yeah. All right.
Funeral music. I've seen, you know, relatives passed away. How she picked out her.
Her land out now was going to funerals ever, rather than just being sad. It was like, oh, you got to feel more of a personality. Yeah, it was awesome. Yeah. Anyways, hey, Bill, funeral music.
Sure. You can have some AC DC. Hey, it's your funeral, right? I did the music for my dad's funeral three years ago. Weird, huh? I was 25 at the time you manned up.
Yeah, you did.
You end up because that's what happens when the older generation dies is the younger one has to step up. There's there's always a person who steps up and as a people who just can't deal. And there's the selfish people like I can I have a rock throwing festival. I'm going to you handle the pain. I'm proctoring.
Anyways, he came into Black Betty. Ask Betty Babalawo BlackBerry. That's awesome.
Right there. You feel like you're in a concert. Yeah. Also played, he says Pronounce Goud date.
Gordita, I don't have notice and a couple more, it's spelled Jehuda T, I'm sure I've heard it gordita now. I don't know what the. I don't know what that is. And a couple more rock ones that I can't remember and no religious shit in between.
That's fuckin that's that's how I'm going out. Yeah. You know what, I'm going to go to that.
Damn. What the hell was that I just told you to go to legalzoom.com right up my own damn will and that's going to be part of it.
You're going well, black babalawo. One more thing. I got it.
I got a read here revoice. And then we're done, I think, with the advertising stuff for two quickies in the OneVoice. Oh, there's is a great way to start a business where, you know, you still you know, you don't have an office, but you want to make it sound like it. Do you don't have money for fifty eight cell phones, but you can have, you know, a bunch of different cell phone. Oh yes.
You showing me the website too that this is actually that's very cool.
I keep saying viral phone numbers. It's not that not viral but viral, but it's what is the proper terminology.
Tell me, what do you have the proper terminology for? What now?
For phone numbers that you're in the air, man. But they're not there and they go into your phone, man, I don't know what it is.
Virtual virtual phone numbers. You can literally have, like fucking 15 phone numbers. They all ring to your phone.
They got these professional voice actors that will act like they're you're sexy, you know, sex vixen of secretary of sex, whatever he is, he's seven. He's on top. Right. You get it. You voice your mobile phone at work.
One of the great voice features is music on hold. Make your business seem more professional is your voice will treat your clients and customers to music on hold. Hey, you sound like you're calling some giant building as you're sitting there sneaking around on your computer and your cubicle.
You go to legal zoom, you get yourself incorporated, you're on your way out. Yeah, it's like the great escape. You dig in the tunnel. Tremendous. You can even set up your voice to run promotional advertisement for your company while people are on hold instead of music.
Yeah, that's like coming up at Joe Blows Frisbee Fest. You can have your toes painted. Sorry. Your voice also has called recording features, which is perfect for doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, hiring managers and any other professional discussing contracts. Easy to use.
He just press star two to start and to start to to stop. It's easier than me reading this copy. Perfect. If you're driving and can't write something important down your voice makes your life easier and seem more professional for free for a free six month trial.
For six months, that's pretty good, do it. Yeah, they have a on you can do like a conference call. You can have up to 90 people on hold when you have your massive drug dealing international thing there.
Oh, please notice this whole thing is set up. You can use this for good or evil, just like the Internet. Yeah, you can learn about turtles or watch something you shouldn't have seen.
You know, this is the same thing with your voice. They're giving you the option to start your business and get out of get out of your cubicle and start living your dream. Or you can use it for evil.
You know, I don't think that's going to start a whole nother family or whatever you want to do, if you got six months to do it with a free six month trial, go to revoice dot com slash Bilborough or go to the banner on my podcast page at Bill Burkham and get out from under it, everybody. Yeah, you know what?
That's that's good. Even for so that way. Is this a thing where you can give somebody your actual.
No, it's not. You give me a number and they don't have your real number.
Oh. But they don't have your real, your real name. But it brings got a phone and you have the option to turn it on, turn it off.
It's like it's some Star Trek stuff and it gets you out of your cubicle so you can avoid situations like this.
Look at this right back to the podcast. That right there was a rational Segway, very nice office rumor.
And Mary had built a great show and all that B.S.. Anyways, I came in to the office where I work on Friday, and my boss came up to me very angrily and said, Are you up to something starin in his face?
See, he voice legal zoom. You get out from under this. He goes, I didn't know what the hell he I don't know what I don't know what the hell he meant.
So I said no. He said he'd been watching me. That's what he basically and you walk in on a Friday, is psyched for your weekend, this guy comes up and goes you up to something, you say no. He's like, I'm watching you and walks away. You just have to sit there and take it right. Slink back into your goddamned cubicle. He goes, I found out later that everyone in the office thinks I fucked the secretary, Mary.
I didn't because I didn't. I asked I asked Mary about it and she said that she made it up.
Don't guys usually do that? He goes, I thought it was sexy. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Jumping right into this.
And then they really fucked up. Yeah. I had always admired Mary from afar and thought she was a good match for me.
Huh. I really wanted data.
But if you want to date this girl, just put her on the desk in Bangor. You're already getting fucked over for it. You might as well. This isn't the mother of your kids do. This chick is a psycho. Will you stop it already?
What? You are such an asshole when it comes. Wait, let me finish. Let me make sure. Or asserting her sexuality. And you're such a fucking hypocrite about it because you love that shit. OK, so don't sit there on like some sort of moral high horse. This is the mother of your children. This is how women should act. Madonna and whore like you know what I'm saying?
Are you done? Yeah. Just say bitch, please, bitch. Please let me go. All right. Coming soon to a podcast. That's right. When are you going to start to bitch, please? I'm going to start. I got a lot of shit going on. Yes, it's coming soon. The Bitch Please podcast. Yeah. My own my own podcast. Yes.
And you should. You should. Now that I've said the name, you should definitely go out and start the website or anything.
Anyways, he goes, he goes, I really want to date her, but I fear that if I do, my boss will fire me or otherwise hurt my career because he is strongly against office relationships. What should I do? All right. First of all. Right there. That's why you need to get out from underneath this dick, because he's literally saying who can fuck who this guy is on a total power trip now. That's it.
That's a normal policy. And workplaces, they frown on interpersonal relation to something.
I'm watching you. That's a toned down J. Edgar Hoover shit. Yeah, that's like, oh, go to H.R. and you know what he should have done? He should have kicked him in the balls from behind when he walked away. Get that nice sound.
Yeah. That nice sound of a foot hitting the the M.C. Hammer part of the selex.
All right. So Mario, what you just tore me a new fucking asshole.
This is what I'm talking about. Near what? That chick is fucked in the head.
Why she makes she made a joke of inappropriate joke that got around. Absolutely. Inserting yourself sexually as if she just comes up to him and asks him out or whatever. I don't have a fucking problem with that. Yeah. To walk around, you know, you want to talk about fucking hypocrite.
You're a fucking hypocrite. Why? Because if he sat there and he said that he fucked somebody he didn't fuck in the office, how would you look at that?
Exactly. OK, this chick is doing this, she has some sort of she has some sort of this chick is a fucking psycho. You don't have to go that far to be like they're a psycho, but you do make it a major red flag. It's a decent point because you have a man said to me it's a decent points to pat me on the fucking head. It's a great goddamn had you and I gave you a fucking example and you actually shut you up for half a second, which is not an easy thing to do.
I am saying that it was a good point.
Put your eyebrows down. All right. Now you see what you did. That's classic female shit there.
See what you did blaming me for your behavior. Why are the why? Because this is what happened before your classic overreaction.
And like, you know, because you assumed that me saying that this chick is a fucking psycho, you immediately assumed that I was I was saying that women can assert themselves sexually OK. And then I turned it around and I gave you an example.
But I am going away, but I put it away. I'll do the Bill Clinton fist.
I did not have sex improper relations because.
Bill. No, no, no. Half your act is about. Let me finish. All right, then I gave you the example.
What if some guy said he fucked you and he didn't fuck you? What would you think about that guy? Always just asserting himself sexually.
Is he hot?
Let's stop fucking with the joke. All right.
All right, all right. Yes, I get your point. I get your point. Yes.
No, no, that's not good enough. What do you want me to say? Because you're going I get your point. That's a decent point. You pat me on the fucking head. I made a great goddamn point point after you sat there and you flipped out on me. Call me a hypocrite and all this bullshit you want to, you little bitch, please fuck and rant. And I came back. Now you actually understand where I'm coming from because you fucking leaped off the guy.
You just took a little thing and you ran with it because you watch we tell some jokes for fucking ten years.
I mean, you're right.
You're right, I am right. It would not be this killer would be OK if that fellow. That's how you do it.
You don't let them warm or the way out of it. That's what she did. She tried like three different techniques of patting me on the head. It's a decent point. And then you did the other thing when you knew that I was right. Then you put your eyebrows up like, yes, you're right.
Like I'm being an overbearing asshole because I still being overbearing asshole in order to win one of these things. Because I said I said it was a good point.
So I don't know what more you want from me, but then do you remember what you don't remember your Newt Rockne speech you gave fuckin 90 seconds ago? What an asshole. I was screaming and yelling and all that. And then when you find out I'm right, you go, OK, that's a decent point. You don't think that that's you know.
Yeah, I think it's me giving.
I'd be like if I chose my barefoot right now and I just pushed you right in the face with it. And then you went over the side of the bed, hit your head, started to cry, and you said that I was wrong. And I said, oh, you're right. Maybe I pushed you too hard. Are right.
You're right. That should not affect you. All of this is besides the point.
The point is he actually likes this woman. No, what? No.
You see, once again, the last second she tried to worm her way out. Did you see that worm in anything? I'm just trying to get back to that.
It's not beside the point. It is a beside the point, you just read me the riot act and you were fucking wrong. I don't know that I was completely wrong. I don't know why aren't you making eye contact anymore? I don't think that I was completely wrong.
I just think that you brought up a good point that I consider you judge me on of. What else do I have to judge you on past? Of course I judge you. I'm not saying that's wrong in my entire life is judging people on past behavior. OK, but when you find out you're wrong, you just say, yeah, you know what? I was wrong, which I do. And you never give me fucking credit for what? When when do you ever say I was wrong?
Whatever. You do something wrong, I will. No, no. You come in and you snuggle up beside me and you make a little joke or you like try and I say I'm wrong and I'm going to work on it. No, that's not what happens at all. You try to cut your way out of it and like, charm and do a little funny dance and everybody, I'm Billy.
OK, you know what? And that's that is it. All right. On this thing that's I'm going to have some of the times I do that.
I do admit that when I'm seriously fucking wrong, when I'm when you're seriously wrong, you do apologize.
That's true. And I say I will work on it. Right. There you go. Jesus Christ.
It's like pulling teeth. All right. Female question about anal. This does a nice segment on my weight.
Do we even give that guy advice, though, or do we just go off on our own relationship? Here's the advice.
Don't date this girl, hmm, if you're going to bang her. I mean, you're rolling the dice because then she's going to be OK.
Last leg, it was a joke, but now I really am. Oh, that's true. She might blow up your spot because she's already talking out of school. Yeah, that's a good point.
Disc in this guy has the problem that I have is that when he meets a fuckin loony bird who's fucking all about it, you just fucking you can't.
You can't, you know, you just. Yeah.
That's like that's literally. That's like a second degree, like dick blackbelt to be able to walk away from free pussy like that and I sorry that I'm being crass, I'm just running out of time here.
I'm just trying to get to the point here. Follow up was a virgin, not a virgin anymore. This is before the female question about anal.
I wrote, OK, this guy got fucking late. You broke it, Jerry.
I wrote it a few months back elaborating on my situation. Wait a minute. I remember this 20.
I got a lot of virgins calling in, writing a as a 21 year old virgin.
I was going to make a really bad joke there a lot. I got a lot of virgins typing in on semen stained keyboards.
I know it was gross and it's funny to me in my head. All right. Sorry, I wrote it a few months ago.
I helped this person a few months back, elaborating on my situation as a 21 year old virgin conservative girlfriend, where the furthest we went was oral sex, as well as subsequent hook ups with other girls only stopping there.
So you kind of get blown. I don't really consider that a virgin.
I just could see like I was going to say, you're kind of having your legs. You're like sex, you like the DH, you're not out in the field. You know, you just come you go to bed every couple of innings.
I don't know, though, but is a guy still, like, not a virgin if he gets blown, but a girl is is still a virgin. If she just gets off of a guy just goes down on her because then her hymen isn't broken.
No, no. This is a guy you're still a virgin. So you banged a girl, right. You got it on there. Yeah. And a woman, you're still a virgin.
You kind of hurry if the other way around. I don't have time to get involved in the debate anyways as well as subsequent hookups. I think this was when I asked you whether telling a girl that I was still a virgin before, during during during coitus.
I know what that means. Fornicating was a good idea during. Does this jolt your memory?
Absolutely it does. I actually lost my virginity thirty minutes before my actual birthday with the girl I'm currently dating.
There you go. There you go. It feels so. Yeah.
It's not like I was a fucking whore or anything. You were right about telling a girl about my sexual experience or lack thereof. She was actually totally fine with it, of course.
See, I'm not a bad guy. Gave this guy some advice that worked and was surprised that I was a virgin, which I guess I should take as a compliment. Absolutely. It means you probably kissing a nice rubbing a Tedi's the way she liked it over there.
Anyways, I'd like to thank you for that as a small part.
It may as small as it may be, it's still helps. Well, there you go. So what is good now? If I could follow this up with another short question. Jesus, I mean, this girl I've been hooking up pretty frequently. I don't have some dirt question here. Here we go.
Now, he's going to get technical not I'm just starting on. How do I improve on that?
Is that disgusting? And the one issue I have is that I used I have to use a rubber.
You did say safe sex is like boxing, keep yourself protected at all times, unfortunately, when I do put one on, I can't feel shit and therefore tend to lose my erection after a while. And it's not like she isn't hot or anything cute.
Asian, that's number two with the Asians. I don't want fat Asian one won. Now, number one, what is wrong with saying she's a cute Asian?
Nothing. She's a hot chick. How dare you say that. She's good looking and describe her. Thank you.
There you go. I'm gonna try different condoms.
What number one, have you ever encountered issues like this? Yes. And how would you go about solving it? Is it actually my fault now?
Because what you know what it is you're used to fucking mouth on deck contact and now all of a sudden you put the deck your condom on and it feels like you're in the abyss. This is what you're going to get used to it. Jerk off with the kind of bond this stuff that you could do don't jerk off for a while. You have to get used to the sensation again. It sucks.
But I'm telling you, he could get those thin ones, though, the real thin lambskin or whatever, and I could run through that x ray machine at the fucking airport, too.
Now, I'm telling you, this is the greatest thing you could do now that you're fucking.
But going to get some advice, try to get some different kind of like experiment with different condoms. No, Trojans are super thick now. There's other ones that are this is what you want to do. OK, OK.
In this day and age. With Greenland fuckin melting and the water rising in New York, you cannot you have to where you've got to fucking go all out.
No, I'm saying he should wear a condom. Yes. And you don't get the one that does the fucking thing listening to you wear condoms, still get herpes. I still understand. All that happens.
Is that on your ball big or if you shaved your nuts that day and then you fucking push against it. I have no idea.
Sex is a risk of getting something that's just goes down. So this is the thing to right out of the gate get used to fucking wearing condoms. I can't even fucking tell you how psyched you're going to be. You know, if this doesn't work out, you have a one night stand as much as it sucks, then there's there's no fucking better feeling the end when you walk out knowing that you wore one. You know what you always do after you have sex, you go, OK, you know, you like, oh, I got to go throw this thing out.
And then you go and you put your dick in her sink and fucking you scrub that fucker and then you walk out, you put you use her face towel on my get the fuck out of there or do you know what else you do and you don't fuck course, which is hard.
You know what else to do if he is in a relationship with this girl? He's a virgin. I don't know what her sexual history is. They could both go to the clinic together, get tested for everything wrong, everything across the board. Just listen to that and then still wear a condom because you have no idea what the other person is going to do. You could be with the sociopath. You don't have time for this.
Yeah, don't fuck that. Fuck all of that.
But if they're in like a committed thing, you know, the twenty one near the twenty one, she's going to run into one of these. Write it up.
Eighty year old guys that's has fucking seventy seventy years a game and he's going to fucking talk him into going down on his fucking gross Babe Ruth.
Dick. Female question about anal. This is the last one I got. I got to get out of here. My husband keeps jokingly bringing up the subject of anal sex.
If I looked into it, I hope you have him call. Write me in and ask how we should go about asking you for anal. Oh, there's no there's no asking with anal.
You just do it. Wow, I'm kidding. Wow.
What it is, it's you have to you have to do a survey during during Doggystyle. That's what that's how you figure it out. It's done with the thumb. It's sort of rubbing circular motion.
Oh well what is wrong with you.
It's been read. It just finished reading it. OK, to stop and just read please for the love of God.
Oh this guy just joking around. I love these pancakes. I would just love to fuck you in the ass. Just kidding. Just cause it's just sweeter. Oh. Oh this poor guy he wants to fuck you in the ass. He doesn't bring it up after cornflakes. This is the funniest thing ever in the past. He always acted as though he thinks it's gross. Maybe he did and he's just watched so much porn that he's now graduated to it, which is the danger.
My sister told me that a few of her girlfriends said they actually enjoy it.
Oh, that means your sister likes it. You know, I have this friend.
Yeah, she loves it, says that it enhances he's very well endowed and I weigh only all of 95 pounds. Yeah, it ain't happened. It ain't happening.
And I think my concern is well-founded. Yes, it is.
But wait a minute. Those porno girls can take it. You can take it too. Come on, be a trooper.
What is your opinion about it? Should I let him? What would near say? You just heard what he what she has to say. He he listens. He listens to this.
Say no, please. No. You want female listeners punk. Help me out.
They want to fuck yourself I. If you really don't want to do it, then yes. Yeah, you know, there's no reason it'd be one thing if you didn't have a viable option somewhere else.
Yeah, that was actually, you know what I mean?
It's basically you have I mean, you have a nice probably midsize. Sedan going on there and this guy, for some reason, despite his size, is going with the Mini Cooper.
OK, look, I got to be honest workshops and it's not something you don't want. You don't want to do that with your wife. You just don't. OK. I thought that's the one person you would want to do it now. Not to do it.
Don't you do it with your you don't with that fucking dingbat that said, she's already banging you at work. Okay.
That's how you do it to right on a desk, you fucker in the ass mushir face into the card catalog.
And then you know what, the card catalog, whatever the fuck they got nowadays, that that's how you deal with. That's it. OK, that's the podcast for this week.
Oh, I got a real quick one for myself. I'm a lady. Yeah. So. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, it's like, you know, ninety five pounds. He has a giant dick. What what are you going to do there? I have no idea, you know, what I would do? I would call in Dr. Drew's show and have them.
I would I'm going to pass you through. I'm going to send that one up. Up the up the what they what do they say in the precinct?
Send that one up the up the ranks. They are.
You know what? We don't know. I don't know. No, no. Really quickly, if you I don't know what city you live in, but if there is a sex shop near you, they normally have like these anal sex workshops like taught by women or whatever, and a couple can go in. You pay a little bit of money and they like they talk to you like they tell you how to do it so that it's gentle and it's not free.
How do you start to do that? How do you start that like. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I understand if she wants to get it when you go into a sex store and they're fucking in there. But how did you get there? Where the anal sex shop, like open mikes, like where do you start?
Like you're sitting in a cubicle and like, you know where I think I would make my million in New York City, people ought to take their big dicks in their little white city.
There was a place called Toys and Babeland, and they gave all kinds of workshops how to get blowjobs. But I didn't see the point how to whatever.
But you must how to introduce S.A.M. into your relationship. They have these things. I get it. But you're missing the point here. What point is, is how do you become that fuckin person? I don't know. That's what I'm saying. Where are the open mikes?
I don't know you. That's a good gig.
You want to sit there talking about you? You're acting like a comedy writer.
You work in a sex shop, you learn about things, and then you just become an expert, you study it or whatever.
You talk to people you know, I know you don't even know what you're talking about. You literally were looking up at the ceiling, sort of shaking your whole idea out of this guy. He just yeah, it is. You have a parachute and you land on the door and they say, hey, you want to talk about Dick's humble female breadwinner? Hi, Bill. I'm one of those ladies who usually takes too long to tell a story.
So I tried really hard to make this quick. This is actually shorter than most of the guys, so I appreciate it. I make three times more money than my boyfriend of fifty one and a half years. Sorry, one point five years. Jesus Christ, how career driven is her one point five years. Let me hear this. She's making more money.
I have zero problem with this because money is not a big issue with me. It's a tough economy and he's very hard working lately. There seems to be more of an issue for him. Of course it is. He makes a bigger deal about going out to eat and took a weekend job so we could see each other less.
He has told me that he is ring shopping, and even though I have told him many times that I don't want anything fancy or expensive, he counters saying, when I show my friends, I'll be embarrassed and he wants to give them some really nice. Yeah. Any advice on how to convince them I'm not a material girl? Now, what you got to do is support the guy because there's you got to understand that as a guy like going out and earning a living, that's that's what we're there for.
And when we're not doing it, not only we can't do it at that time because we don't have a job and you're fucking doing it no matter how cool you are, it's totally fucking emasculating. It'd be like if I could all of a sudden have a fucking kid and you couldn't get pregnant and I was over there fucking nursing a baby is creepy.
Is that I'm just saying, you know what I mean. Men want to be the provider that's like in their nature.
So, no, that's our job. It's our job. It's a fucking job, it's the same way that women like when you're with a woman, if you get in too good a shape, they get fuckin insecure. Like, they don't like a lot of women as much as they like those shredded guys, they don't want to be with the guy that's in that good of fucking shape. And they're like, fuck, now I have to be in that good shape and I can't go to those cheese fondue, lava fucking things, you know, and stick my tongue in it with a glass of wine and pontificate about Sex in the City or whatever the fuck it is.
You broads still listen. You want to.
Oh, my God, you want to like those. It's absolutely disgusting, by the way, that she's. Come on, sit there, stick in the. She is calm. Yeah.
It's gross. It smells awful. Terrific. I don't I don't like fondue. You only find you know, it's weird. All right. I went to a fondue restaurant. It smelled like feet.
I would just say, listen, you got to support this guy. Just say to the guy, just say, listen, I get it. I get it. You don't have a job right now, and it's fucking hard for you and I have 100 percent faith. Yet you're going to find another job, we're going to have a great life and you know, you don't want to buy a ring right now, but when you get your job and everything, you want to go out by me.
I totally respect the fact that you're thinking about me being a barrister.
All my friends just support the guy and I'll be fine. Yeah, that's all you've got to do to support the guy. Because right now, no matter unless he hears that from you, he's just going to automatically think that you're thinking that, you know, he's not a provider and he's not a good guy.
He needs to hear it from you the same way that when your lady may be put on a few, you got to tell her she's still looking good.
Right. Why are you looking at me like that?
Because lately you've been slipping. That's the podcast. Oh, my God. No, I was actually thinking, like, I'm given a good advice. Maybe she'll she'll pleasure me later. All right.
I just left it at the good advice. You know, you could have not asked the question. You could have not shown up. Come down here. You know, I didn't ask you on the podcast.
You barged in. I did ask you last time. I said you had that here in a while and we missed you. We missed you here in the podcast.
All right. Last two things. Amazon.com, would you like to support the troops and this podcast next time you're going to go to Amazon.com to buy some silly straw, go to build Bergkamp first click on the podcast page, click on the Amazon dot com link. It'll take you right there. You don't have to do anything else. Once you get there, go buy something. Buy an old baseball card. Amazon will give me some money. I kick ten percent of it.
Actually can't even kick in 10 percent of all advertising to the Wounded Warriors Project. It's a great thing. It is what should be done, you know what I mean? It's what should be done. So there you go.
And Gamefly. Dotcom.
Hey, do you want to sit on the couch, smoke some weed and eat some it's while going into a different world.
Anyways, Gamefly Dotcom is awesome if you're into video games. They got 8000 games to choose from.
You got a two week free trial. You can direct your PC are delivered right to your damn apartment, gazebo, tent city, wherever the hell you live, you can play all these games, 8000 games for a two week trial, take two weeks vacation and sit there and play 8000 different games.
Right. Gamefly, Dotcom, go to go to Gamefly dot com slash. Now Gamefly dot com. Yes, for the banner out of my podcast page for the free trial joy all the video games you can play. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Hey, thanks for all the nice compliments about my guest star on Breaking Bad and all the wonderful things you guys said about my special. You know, it really means a lot to me.
I appreciate it. All right. Thank you.