The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only, so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up? You call me? Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, me, and if I show for the modern era, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

Hello, I'm Travis McCoy and I'm running a bit late. So I recorded my part of the intro ahead of time and it will be filling in between everyone else's bits. But don't worry, I've done this show over 500. This is Griffin. So I know that it's weird. It's already off.

It's already it's already weirdly off.

Shame. Good one, Griffin. When Travis went to space on the big hero mission to stop the the Hubble from falling on all of us, I thought that was brave of him.

I did not think about it being a scheduling issue as scheduled. Ross Perot. I haven't heard that name forever. Shit. He told us to talk about Ross Perot.

And we said, OK, let's try and get let's get the shit back on track. Ross Perot, I remember that guy. He used to do political stuff and he didn't live to see Elon Musk shoot several people into space. He's dead. OK, this is sounding good actually now, and I know I know Travis Elon Musk is very much alive and fuck Elon Musk.

Wow. OK, this is interesting because what what did he think? How what bridge did he where did he think we were going to go with that?

Like, I know he hates unlike underground magnetic sort of maglev tunnels. That's a good thing.

He's always kind of talking about this half train. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm almost a train. Toot toot. OK, this is fucked up now. It's actually getting a little weird. Travis, are you.

I don't think it's that we are. Justin, are you here with us. Travis in the room. Nope. Still prerecorded track.

Whoa. I was.

Give me a sign. Hit me, baby, one more time, OK? Travis, give me a few bars of the sign by Ace of Base, I saw this.

So it's not there's not my eyes and I am happy now.

And without you a few years you go, Oh, I saw. So did you bail out their space mission?

My eyes.

I saw the sign because you were talking about how you were going to be a brave astronaut, save the whole country from for Griffin. OK, no, but dance fucking answer me because you have been talking for months about this big, brave space. You're going to go out with all the astronauts.

I think the Mandalorian also puts a tiny helmet on his penis, sometimes just for fun.

Wow, that sucks. Sucks. It sucks. We actually should have pre listened.

Now I'm thinking that like I kind of feel like now on the asshole, you know, I mean, it's weird that he didn't make this conversational this.

But it's not just this Travis. It is it. Yeah.

Is he has walking around hanging brain with his helmet on and a lot of ways this is indiscernible from recording a podcast with live Travis. Yeah.

It's not really much of a difference. Interesting.

So it's worth thinking about isn't it.

Is there a satellite phone or something we can use to call John Glenn Houston and ask them to patch us through.

Hey guys, I'm back. Are you.

Is this still the recording or just getting still pre-recorded? OK, so I guess just and I can just see the show ourselves. Right.

And yeah, it's got to be great to have Travis here, though. Wow.

This bit's hate Mondays, right? Little long in the two. Little already feels long. Yeah. It's getting pretty long in the tooth.

Huh. OK, yeah. So you're here now right. No, still be.

I can't say I don't like it. I'm going to move on. This is an advice show where we I really liked Mamma Mia too.

I don't know what people had against it or if it's pure white now too or I'm having an episode one of my many episodes this year.

My feet stink. Hey, girlfriend, are you back? Yes, I'm not. Do you guys think the Mandalorian. Great one, guys, another one, guys. Another great episode, squirrel nut zippers.

So we have to stop distracted. We're really dissociating. OK, I'm back and now I'm really back. This is me looking back to you guys. I want to know, how did it go?

Pretty bad, actually.

Man, this is a show. And I got some advice for you, Travis. I'll give it to you privately after the show. I can.

OK, let's go. This is an advice show for the modern era. I want to give the handmade oven mitt to my drug dealer for Christmas.

I think oven mitts is the perfect universal gift since everyone uses them. But I don't know what pattern of fabric to use.

The only thing I know about this person is that they both sell and smoke. Weed is a marijuana print too cliche? What fabric is sure to make my dealer know that I'm actually chill and I only seem sketchy when we meet because I'm an anxious person. That's from weed wearing in Wisconsin.

Isn't this an indictment of our modern society? You know, all we know about our weed dealers is we you know, it used to be back in nineteen thirty. You used to invite your weed dealer to dinner every Sunday, you know, and you really got to know them.

And now, oh, this this fly by night, fast paced concrete jungle.

Now, I know you can know certain other things about your dealer. Like, for instance, I know what kind of car they drive and how much money they, like, exchanged for marijuana.

Yeah, that's true. Is there anything I can do maybe just sort of go with like a like a novelty license plate for the kid in a car or a keychain?

That's like I'm a Honda man, something like that.

What about a picture of their face on the government with like their mouth open? So it looks like they're biting the hot pan to pull it out?

That's funny and fun. And then and it gets around a lot of the issues that were discussed in the message to us.

Also, a government that looks like I got crab claw always lands. Wow. Yeah, it's good.

There's maybe you don't have to go so specific, you know what I mean.

Like, my the oven mitt I use is a black rubber just tool, a kitchen tool. It's not funny. It doesn't have shit. I like on that.

And mine has a photo of Danny DeVito face with his mouth open that looks like he's biting the pan. Yeah.

And every person has a sound chip in it. So when you grab it he goes, it's hot on my mouth. Yeah. Someone of limoncello to cool this off.

Exactly. Hey. What about gingham, huh?

It's a classic, you know, nice gingham gingham fits in so many different different kitchen styles, you don't know what kind of kitchen.

You know what it fits just in. Yeah. What Gangnam Style.

O o o o o o o o o Gangnam Style, sometimes it's like a contest to see how long we can go to just let the farm kind of settle to just because a lot of the times when there are three hosts on a podcast and one of them just like really rips a B for a joke, the other two will immediately jump in to try and distract or light a candle or try to wave it away or open a window or something.

But sometimes it seems like sometimes it seems, oh, man, another one aftershock.

It seems like the two of us are sometimes willing to marinate just as an experiment against our listeners.

Well, against ourselves, too, because there is pride. There's ego on the and money and money just in.

A lot of people forget about that. But is living in families, living all on the line to marinate. You guys get it because it's like the it's like we can get it sounds like gingham.

We not it's it's it's twenty twenty syas long dead.

Here's a guy who that was sent in by Graham Roebuck. Thank you Graham. It's a guy who answers User Anonymous.

I'm going to call them Chevy asks my upstairs neighbor pretends not to be the one playing the trombone at night. What do I do about once a week? For two months now, someone has been playing a trombone in our building. It came from above and was very loud. So I suspected my direct upstairs neighbor. I rang his bell once in the beginning and he came to my door all quote, sleepy and quote, upset, telling me it wasn't him and why now?

I was also not letting him sleep. I felt so sorry. But now I saw him playing it in the reflection of the window across the street. Stone cold. Liar.

What could I do, huh? I, I was not anticipating that reveal of I've seen him doing it.

This is there are probably bolder lies that you could tell in this life that we are all sort of sharing together.

But I can't think of a bigger one.

I can't think of a bigger lie. Then bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Are you playing trombone?

Oh no. I was asleep.

I was actually asleep. See, my ears are you have a lot of waxy buildup in a way that negates trombone sound waves.

Now, here's the thing, though. Here's I will. Oh, here's the thing, though, Griffin. Yeah, maybe, just maybe. Maybe it's unrelated. Maybe he was playing it during the day because he has a trombone that he plays during the day. Oh, I see. And there's more than one trombone on Earth.

And if we can all acknowledge that universal truth, I've seen more than I've seen more than one in my room. I thank you. I played trombone in band and there were at least two other kids in middle school who played it too.

So there there are three trombones on this earth.

Now, if you get them together and play at the same time, God, all the walls, the walls of Jericho will come tumbling down.

That is why each of me and Chris and I believe Hunter, we all learned one third of the song and would just trade off who was playing at any given time, not because we were lazy, but to protect the universe itself. So I'm saying maybe upstairs neighbor plays during the daytime for fun and knowing this, somebody is trying to frame him by playing at night.

I see.

So you're saying that the neighbor could bring out their trombone to show you that it is solar powered, so the idea would still be old?

It's too cold for me to play it.

I need the heat of the sun upon the brass in order to produce sound. This is super bone and he can only play with the power of the earth. Yellow Sun. This is Botti, the trombone Cheesus.

That's a deep one.

This is so I feel like you have a sort of unofficial warrant to conduct a sort of citizen's arrest investigation.

Yes.

A citizens a citizen's breaking and entering warrant. Is that anything?

A citizen's arrest? Because it's music of arrest.

I thought we did talk about this one right now where I even as I was saying it, you knew it was bad when you were saying maybe he's not lying and maybe he was asleep.

Trombone ing.

Interesting.

Yeah, he's been practicing for the big concerts, I guess, coming on the solo trombone.

But you've got that big trombone solo in the middle of that squirrel nut zippers song and maybe he plays with the Squirrel Nut Zippers or the Brian Setzer Orchestra. I assume they're still going.

It's one of those two and he's had it in his head now for a while. And now when he sleeps, it's all I can think about.

And he rises still asleep from his bed. Yeah. Blasts out that solo. And then you knocked on his door and he was like, why is this guy waking me up?

I mean, it doesn't even have to be. And dream from boning in his dream, he could be blowing on a big foot long hot dog to cool it off. Oh, that's true. Yeah, or something else of a sexual nature. One of those things and you don't even know that. That's that's what you're actually playing a trombone in real life, I will say, as someone who admittedly barely played the trombone for about two years and miles to go, if you're doing something of a sexual nature at all with the same method, you play a trombone.

Something has gone horribly wrong. Not great.

Not a good match. Yeah, especially the arm movement. That's bad. Our movements not good.

The the the necessity of an amateur.

Yep. Also not it's not necessary. Not great in any separate piece.

The arm movement, the blowing, the ambush or any of those individually I could see that working and somebody's enjoying it all three at the same time.

The only person who's going to enjoy that is somebody who is just trombone from the waist down who.

Go ahead. Just the bottom half got blown up in an accident and now it's trombone. Now it's a trombone. OK, go ahead now. Now, Justin, go ahead.

What's to crack into the spit valve? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah.

It's really hard to do the spit valve while you're playing. Just that's why there shouldn't be music in schools.

Oh, because you cannot give eighth graders a big metal tube armed with a single button that when you press it, it will dump a not insignificant amount of spit in a sort of musical teen blow hole, if you will.

Yeah, this is a valve on it, on brass instruments. If you don't know it's a real thing, you press it and all the spit falls out. You cannot give this technology to eighth graders. You can not if it may score. Well, for me, it's also a rare, complicated machine that still exists.

It has not been improved upon in which you might say, oh, the problem with it is it's too full of spit. The only other thing that exists in is dentistry. Yeah.

How about another question?

My wife and I recently celebrated our anniversary, which was lovely, except for one thing that I need a judgment call on.

I wish I we used to tell people like this is just an advice as we get older and I am I feel less qualified to advise people. I wish we had more questions that are just like judge this. Yeah, I feel like I'm more qualified now as a forty year old man to be judge mental.

Oh yeah. That I am to be nurturing. Oh yeah. Need a judgment call.

Somehow in the planning of our celebration, it became clear to me that my wife remembered the wrong date for our anniversary.

I was going to point this out, but then I remember that this year our real actual date was taking place on top of something that I wanted to take part in virtually.

So I just kind of rolled with the wrong date and we celebrated early. No harm, no foul. Right?

Well, now the day is here and we're getting cards and congratulations from relatives who have annoyingly accurate calendar reminders.

And I'm not really sure what to do.

Do I fess up? Do I play goalie and block the cards for the day? Do I feign getting the day wrong myself? Do we laugh at our relatives for getting the day wrong, etc.? A bit of a pickle, this one.

That's from no way I'm putting my name on this.

Just so just just generally speaking, as a rule, I feel like your wife remember the wrong date for your anniversary. That's that is that's a whoopsie that's a mistake. Right. And then you kind of just rolling with it because you wanted to take part in this virtual and you want to do a wild ride. You needed to do a wild ride for the big four, the big drops. You got Shadowlands coming up soon. You got to get fucking best in slot, baby.

But then the problem is that you you both had one whoopsie at that point. It was an even distribution of season.

But then you it seems like there was a slippery slope was like, oh, we're starting to get carts, I need to do a whip see on these cards and throw them in the trash. And then I need to change all our cows and then I need to make fun of my parents for getting it wrong. It's a sort of continuation of the Whoopsies that makes it think like, hey, you're probably doing the baddest, wrongest thing here. Yeah, a little bit.

Maybe a little. Yeah.

You should just come clean because it will. Here's the thing. As has pointed out, I think the forces are balanced. They got were they were they were correct. They got the date wrong. And you said that works for me scheduling wise. And you went with it. Right.

And so now let me be honest. What you served on done is said, no, darling, our anniversary is actually two days after that. And let's do something almost all day. And I will take one hour for this raid that I need to. That's bad. That's right, that's actually. No, no, no, it's bad, but, you know, what they did was worse, right? We all know that.

My my here's I feel like if you're good, we are like everybody needs to lie to get through the day. We all lie.

But I think before you do a lie or you do a little Fibber Russkie, you need to you should make it mandatory that you need to visualize. Telling the other person about the lie they need to be able to if you're going to do the lie, you need to mentally walk through the pain, you have to have a plan for dismantling the lie.

There has to be a way to walk you back the path. You're like a little Hansel and Gretel in the forest of deception. You got to leave yourself a little breadcrumb trail. How to get back to truth and honesty.

You had to have walked through in your head and said, well, yeah, see, you got it wrong.

And then I didn't correct you because I had to get that sense of fury warrior gear. So that is what happened. And there's the truth for you.

OK, I feel terrible because I think we're starting to border on, like, gaslighting.

Yeah, I don't do that clear. No, no, no, no, no, no. But unless.

No, no, no, no. No trust.

Unless could you somehow blame it on daylight. So you kidding me.

I set you up for a fucking unless you tried to swoop my in-laws with your own fucking. Unless, unless we got rules here.

Unless you can say you did incorrect or because you didn't want to feel bad. Justin, do you.

Maybe here. I'll set up the lesson. And Justin, do you maybe want to swoop in last because Travis just did it twice.

You technically could do too. I don't.

I'll go see if Rachel wants to go through my in-laws. Let me go grab her.

Maybe I'll go grab my son because he would show about the same amount of decorum that Travis just showed me with my unless two different times, unless she got the date wrong on purpose because she was doing a wild raid.

Oh. While she's Wiedman for 20, she is Wiedman for 20, brave Palladin. Oh my hero of the land. Bump, bump, bump. If you like skipping anniversaries to get your best chance like you do. If you want to get to know Cloke, you found your lover right here. Boo boo boo.

And then in the raid you're like, huh. Vicky, come clean, keep going. Apologize the shit out of it. What are you apologizing the shit out of?

If you first off your your your Ailey's from his time, I blow out the bull's eye opener for Aoki's for his time.

I get your thoughts in order. But also I love you so much. I love you. Share this.

I always wondered what you did in your office with the door locks and now I know it was Play with me and World of Warcraft. I'm going to roll for nine on your heart and your love. I need it. Give me your heart. Give me a cyber kiss.

Come give me a flesh kiss because we're just on opposite ends of the office right now. Well, you really need to pay better attention to things.

You know, maybe this is where we learn to put down the. Oh, wait, no, sorry, I. I just started doing sense. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Just my timer went up. I'm Vicky.

I'm, I'm lfg looking for girlfriend.

They're married. We're asking your wife. Come back.

Wait come back please. I'm so sorry I did misspeak. We are married. That is true. I'm sorry Vicky.

I'm going to turn off lfg. I'm lfg looking for a good husband to be one on you to you.

Now would you like a mount.

But the dots really are shitty and trying to get it in order to make a sexual joke and I didn't think that that was like right. Time for it. I give me, give me and Rachel pina colada at each other and we laughed it off like ha ha ha ha. And then I was like, but let's party.

Like I feel like that's I guess though that song is about let's we're trying to cheat on each other, but then we cheat on each other with each other. Everything's OK.

This is yeah.

This is the this is the thing that I've actually been thinking about. The last song. Yeah. Go on over the summer. Go off if you're a kid young, a young and it's about somebody puts a person in the newspaper for the kind of lover they want to take because they're bored of their current lover.

And then that someone answers the ad and it turns out that it is their current lover who apparently liked other things they thought that their lover didn't like but actually does. And then they are like, well, I guess we're still together.

That's not yet.

The next couple months of that relationship is not a happy story. I'm so glad you told me you liked champagne.

It is. This is we're both deeply unhappy.

We're deeply and profoundly unhappy with each other and lots of large and small ways. And I don't I don't feel like it's a happy ending necessarily.

It's one that they found in each other. The unhappiness that clicked. You know, it's like your unhappiness is like my unhappiness. So we might as well be unhappy together.

But it turns out we like that all the same stuff that I guess we're just not doing. Yeah, I wish there was one about kink that that would be fucking great.

Wouldn't that be good if that I want a new version of that song is just about different kink that you don't think your partner's into bondage and hentai merry go.

Exactly. Do you like Weener Base to pay back, if you like, eating old shoes?

I'm not sure that's the thing about bombing outside of my. Hey, nerd, do you want to you want to fucking build a website? Yeah, you do. Get out of here with your wimpy websites and get a cool, beefy website from Squarespace.

What's the neighborhood bully been picking on? I'm not. OK, as the neighborhood bully been picking on your website, then you need to get beefy and kick the Internet sand right back in that bullies face. And you can get a beefy muscle website from Squarespace.

Squarespace is a fucking Drillbit Taylor of website making app.

Hell yeah, my dude. Well, this website is swoll and it could showcase your work, sell products and services of all kind, promote your physical or online business and more, and that more is beat up their bully with beautiful, customizable, temporary templates created by world class designers. This website can kick any bully's ass everything optimized for mobile right out of the box analytics to help you grow your muscles in real time, free and secure hosting and nothing to patch or upgrade ever.

But your bully will need to patch up their wounds. They're going to Squarespace Dotcom, slash my brother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the code my brother to save ten percent of your first purchase of a website or domain, Squarespace will kill your bully. I don't think that they want they don't necessarily want that. I don't think that's actually we'll kill you. We've killed before and we'll do it again, motherfucker. Oh, that's better.

Maybe it's something like we've killed bullies, yet they're not necessarily saying, like Squarespace, we kill bullies.

You can't prove it, though. Well, they did just double jeopardy.

That's actually works here, Audible's. Up next. And they said specifically not to say that they have killed before will kill again.

Whether or not it's bully a bad guy, you know, the Joker, like whatever. Even like the baddest dude.

But what they do horrible would kill the Joker. I actually you know, actually, that would be a screening question for advertisers.

Yeah. Like if given the opportunity, would you would you finish the business that Batman is unwilling to do? And a lot of people killed.

A lot of people be like, what version of the Joker? And that's it. That's and if you have to say that, like if you have to couch it like that, you've already lost our endorsement because that any version of Batman is just not doing it.

And the blood on the Joker's hands is on Batman's hands. Oh, right.

Yes. For for ages now. Yes. I'm not saying that I am for the death penalty, except for the Joker.

Joker is the only one I wanna really, really, really bad. Even like the fucking atom was like, I'm silly.

Fucking get him. Get that fool right. You know, if you take your eyes off him for three seconds, he's killed 18 more people. That's on you. He's not coming back from this.

Even when he doesn't kill eighteen people, he's causing so much mischief in me.

Oh, yeah. He's the clown prince of chaos, you know what I mean? He's like audible. OK, right? Yeah. They do audio books and they're they're super, super good to listen to.

Now, when we're all a little bit cooped up, they got a lot of spoken word entertainment.

They have audible originals, they have Daily News Digest and they have soothing audio experiences to help you drift to sleep. And anyone with children at home can use stories, not audible dot com, where anyone, anywhere can stream hundreds of ad free hand-picked audible titles completely free, no strings attached.

It's a it's a great way of hearing the kind of stories or news that you want to hear without, you know, being locked to a screen because we're all getting so much screen time, maybe even a little bit too much, a bit too on, maybe just even a little bit too much screen time. So why don't you have your time to time? I don't have sounds time instead.

Check out right now by visiting audible dot com slash brother or text brother to five hundred five hundred. That's audible dotcom brother. OK, here's what I'm saying.

Bad man knows people that kill people a lot, right. That man is unwilling to do it. He could facilitated it. Fine. Yeah.

Where is his line. Right. Like his line in the sand of morality. It seems pretty flexible up till a certain point.

And he's like, oh, I arbitrarily draw the line at killing for some reason, even though the joke this is what is still swayne hired dead.

Shot to kill the joke. Right.

This is still part of the allowable ad copy.

I'm just saying. Here you go. OK, we're really over delivering on the value end of this ad. This is a very they've got they've got stories for children.

And they also have a detailed plan on how Batman could ethically terminate the church's life.

Sometimes in action alone would have allowed it to happen. Still part of the copy, right? It's like Batman opted not only to not kill Joker, but to not allow Joker to die.

A lot of hand-wringing, his unwillingness to kill the Joker.

I think at this point, it's it's hard. It's becoming I'm not a fan of capital punishment, obviously.

Let me just say that up front. That said, Batman's unwillingness to kill the baby in ability, honestly, at this point is unwillingness to kill a joker. It's like a trolley problem, but on one end there's a bazillion people and on the other end there's a jail cell that is open in both the front and the back and a million other people beyond that.

So that's basically what you're letting them plow into a bunch of people or like cruise through a jail cell and then go kill someone.

And the track is lined with people. Oh, so I going to answer that. Oh, hello.

Hey, boys, it's me, Bob Kerrigan, CEO of Audible. And I just wanted to say you guys did a bang up job with that ad spot. You you said all the things that we needed you to say about the stories and the great audio books that people could have delivered to them.

And you said the stuff about ears time, and I loved that. But then where you really landed the plane, I got to tell you, boys, was how you let everybody know how Batman could ethically kill the Joker and end his life and his reign of crime.

And that's important to me. Bob Kerrigan, see.

Hey, Bob. Bob, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, please. Go ahead. You go. Why do you think at this point Batman hasn't just, like, cut off one of Joker's legs? Well, Travis.

And you'll see that if you continue reading the ad copy. I do have a sort of second branch of ideas here of just sort of.

Oh, it does say it says right here, why not chop him right in half, love in half and then. Yeah. And then let him let him waste away on the dirty ground. Yeah.

Just a Macary go right ahead don't you think at the end of every Joker story and Batman there should be a prolonged sequence where Batman is investigating Arkham Asylum to see why they're so bad.

Yeah, just so different.

Why the whole jail is made of Swiss cheese, apparently. Yeah.

You don't see, I have a lot actually in this sort of like book of an email I sent to you boys with all the ad copy points. And then if you keep reading, it reveals our big plans in twenty twenty one.

I'm having to delete some stuff to make room for this.

Oh no I like this. Put there's an additional PDF here that just says Bob.

Thoughts Bob. Thoughts. Yeah. And so if you read that there's some good stuff in there like yelling books and it's like audio books where we screen them as loud as we can at the one I really like here though.

And Bob, thoughts, as you've put it, why not put him in a permanent coma? Questionmark.

Well, I actually misspelled the word cone. Oh, put the joke in a cone. Like a dog cone. Like a big dog cone. Yeah.

And then I feel like that would really hamper his ability to do it.

Really. Least crime makes them less scary. God, I hate the Joker. I really do. And we all do. Yeah, I really hate that man.

I can remember as a child thinking it was odd that here was this cabin full of meat.

I'm Jesse Thorn. This week on my show Bullseye, David Letterman on shame, regret and Canned Hams.

Is this the best delivery version of pork?

That's this week on Bullseye for Maximum Fun Dog and NPR Daboub live at the.

Oh yes. That I started doing it before.

I'm even sure if I want to do this, then let me out of my squad. But much more.

Junior, I have a brief, I have two brief notes. This is just two brief notes. The first is that Krispy Kreme has introduced a new caramel glaze. This is such a mascot, Junior, I'm not even going to bring a count doughnut out for their party bagel, if you prefer, after this one. I just want to read you the first line of this. I miss him so much. I know the world of doughnuts to do better.

Krispy Kreme introduces new caramel glaze. Oh, wait.

Site was the first line. Ask the world's donuts to do better or is that now?

Oh, OK. That was being editorializing. I thought that's what they were leading off their press release.

Krispy Kreme introduces new caramel glaze.

OK, Krispy Kreme is helping fans melt away from 20, 20 and into a delicious and creamy world by introducing an all new glaze flavor caramel. Hey, how are you? Is Evan. Are you guys doing OK in marketing? Are things going all right for you?

I mean, I know they've been bad for us here in the real world for a while, but I can't really fucking munch squads anymore without them being like, oh, everyone feels like fucking Lobo waking up from a three day drunk.

It's miserable. Everyone is so miserable. God, this year, fucking Dukey. Right. Anyway, we got some new caramel party bagels for you. Is that anything? Are you happy?

It's very evocative, though, because they've handled it in a different way, which is like melt away into a different world.

They make it sound like if you can somehow climb through the hole of the doughnut without breaking the bread completely, it'll take you to fucking donut Narnia.

Well, here's what they don't tell you. Take a bite of this party bagel. That caramel glaze, it flows right into your brain ducts and it's going to take you into a kind of a virtual world where your body will still exist here on this plane.

Your brain is often too kind of a creamy matrix like senario doughnut zone. Yeah, that's what that.

Oh, you've read my thesis. That's what we actually call it, the doughnut zone. And once you're in the doughnut zone, Girvan, it all kinds of melts away into a creamy world of pleasure.

I wanted to mention the Mountain Dew Cookbook, which feels like munch squat bait to an extent that I'm not going to luxuriate in it.

They're paying tribute to the world's greatest fans with the release of its first ever cookbook just in time for the brand's 80th birthday, with nearly 40 dishes to satisfy every craving provided.

Presumably that that craving involves consuming Mountain Dew.

The big, bold book of Mountain Dew recipes is a compilation of fan made, fan inspired and fan favorite creations from some of the most imaginative culinary minds on the planet, ranging from the quick and easy to ingredient cupcake treats to the advanced read.

Really? What what do you what could you possibly add to Mountain Dew to make cupcakes come out of it like flour?

And do you know it would be it would be cake mix because you can make like a he can do 12 ounces of soda, OK, plus any box cake mix and and make a cake seven up. How complicated does it go, Justin?

Well, there's an advance code red brisket that will entice any barbecue pit master.

I want to say this.

If you're if if the code red brisket is advanced, that means there is a possibility for a failed code red brisket that I don't think it should be legal to consume. I don't think it's fair to say like.

Did you I'm not sure you did. This is a very advanced recipe.

This is a bad version of the Mountain Dew Code Red brisket. The real problem is, is if you enter a catastrophic failed state on the code red brisket, there's no way of letting anyone know in a clearly communicable way.

Steve, if you succeed wildly, that's code red brisket. Call the fire department. No, that's a good thing.

It's got bold flavors and it's got to look at this crust.

I love that the cookbook had to specify. This is the big, bold Mountain Dew cookbook, the sequel to the big, tasteful, reserved, restrained Mountain Dew.

Cook this say your grandmother's Mountain Dew cookbook.

It's got six chapters on my quick rundown bad ass breakfast. Except the S's in the ass are even better cowards do lovers can live up fluffy, green, short stacks and iconic green eggs and ham that are worth getting out of bed.

You what do I get out of bed for? Fucking green eggs and ham made with Mountain Dew.

Yeah, my life not going so good. It's a fair criticism.

Thank bad dipping with do that. I actually don't think it's legal to consume Mountain Dew unless you're dipping.

I think it's. As somebody who used to clean up movie theaters after movie showings in Huntington, West Virginia, I can pretty much confirm those two are not strange bedfellows.

Do does dinner seriously epic entrees like Mountain Dew, Code Red Brisky, Mountain Dew, Livewire, Brinda Turkey. Oh, boy. Wow. Yeah. Oh, you're calling for seconds.

And these are not cheap cuts of meat you're ruining here, man.

I'll have you calling for seconds and probably calling your ex spouse to ask her what went wrong.

We'll take you back. And when you can see the kids again, I'm learning to cook, Gorvy.

Don't you see I'm trying damn satisfying sides with snacks like Holla Peno Poppers and Mountain Dew infused pickles. Now, you'll never have to choose between your go to party side that Inch'Allah Mountain Dew ever again.

I wasn't wild. What world do you think I was in in which I had to decide between either I'll have a beer or a drink of Mountain Dew. What is this scenario? You can't you can count your calories, but it's Super Bowl day.

Oh, you're right. This is it says that this will be out the week of November 16th, which is where we are now in time. Yes.

It is not available on the store currently.

So another another live from a QSR press release. It's a classic QSR calling their bluff like, oh, call engage with this. Oh, no, no. You come in here. No, no, no, it's not real. It's just the thing. Tony Hawk didn't really make a burrito.

I want to share this t shirt that I found with you guys. And Griff, if you would mind, describing the image that you've just been sent. I would I would love that. Sure, yes, I will claim it's on CELAC, so this is actually something that I'm going to buy immediately and wear it until the pits fall out.

Go find it right now. This is a white and sort of can you go and get me one of those in a large place? Yeah.

Go ahead and grab a large for this for this guy too. So I'm going to also ship it to you. It's a fair point. Oh, Christmas is coming up. All Christmas is coming.

That's a good point. So this is a white and sort of a medium travel large place.

Large. Large here, too.

Yeah, OK. This is sort of a neon green and white tie dye design. I mean, kids with big, bold black text on it all uppercase red letters that reads, mate, I kind of feel left out.

Now it's in.

He will if we all wear them at the same time, which I assume we will. Oh yeah.

It says in big photos and stuff, big bold marquee letters make NTN, Mountain Dew Make Mountain Dew Bahah Blast available in stores all the time. They have it. I'm going to pass out they have the Mountain Dew logo right on the sleeve, too, to let people know that this is an officially licensed product, but that is strong.

It is Mountain Dew lobbying Mountain Dew to make their product available in their Mountain Mountain Dew, Baja Blast available in stores.

This is coming from inside the house right here inside the mountain.

This is like when Rosewell like Fanton in hot sauce to, like, save Rosewell, but it's like when Rozz if Rosewell sent hot sauce out to people to send right back to them to prove that they really wanted to keep watch and made the fans pay for the hot sauce and made the fans pay for thirty five dollars for the hot sauce.

That's a lot for a t shirt. Baja blast. Are you sure. OK, you know something? I haven't drink Mountain Dew, let alone Mountain Dew.

Baja blast in many moons. But if I was at the store and saw Mountain Dew, Baja blast on the store shelves, I would take a little journey.

I would take a little trip back into my own psyche just to see where where I go. I just like to say it.

Mountain Dew, I don't know if you have rain or what you're connected to, but if you want to release a series of these, that's like and also Gösta and maybe some surge in there or like bring back orbit's like.

Sure. That they own all those. But hey, can I do a Yahoo! Sharon love.

This one was sent in by the wizard Benh Kant, whose superlative I admitted last week shamefully. Thank you. The Wizard Ben can't. It's from Yahoo! Answers user. They are anonymous, so I'm going to call them. Jassam asks.

What are some ways to force hotel guests to go to a free breakfast?

I'm assuming this is I don't think that like like a Laquinta is particularly concerned about whether or not every single guest shows up to the mandatory free continental breakfast. I assume this is a sort of mom and pop operation mom and pop up and they really need to get some of these, you know, old these old biscuits out of here.

How to and I let's let's take a current pandemic scenario off the table, because I think that that presents far too many, you know, hurdles.

Yeah. Like the one big one where they could go and then die from it. Right, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So let's say that this is in the before or after times.

The problem is I forget what the first one is and I can't even visualize and imagine the I know we've been wandering in the desert for a while now.

It's all desert, like it's all desert to me now. All I can all I remember is sand.

But I used to have like laser dogs that, like bring you I think I remember I remember that like lazy dogs. That would bring you an orange.

That sounds right. Yeah.

But if you do, unfortunately, this is a free breakfast. Um, any time you walk by like a you know, a well ventilated restaurant making Smoky Foods.

Mm hmm. It makes you want to go in there and just like, see what's up. I'm not like the biggest barbecue fan, but if I walk by a barbecue joint that's venting their barbecue, their meat stink out into the universe for everyone to enjoy, I, I kind of want to poke my head in and be like, oh, what you guys got going on? And they're like super spicy sausage links.

And I'm like, I'll be going then. I'm glad I found out though. Is there any way to do this in an environment where you do control the air conditioning system and where it goes?

Well, what if you know this, right? Yeah, Disney does do it. It's called Smelter's. It's called WAP Meltzer's. They blast out the security on Main Street.

They blast out those those like candy and make good sense to try to lure you into the shop.

Yep. And to give you just a fund, a fun artificial.

It's not there now.

It's not that blasting like nostalgia, but damn nighttime at nighttime when they want to get everybody out of the park, they blast a bad smell like goofy dick, like goofy.

Why would you think goofy dick snarls at the end of a hot day working it, right? Yeah, it's fair. That's fair. What did you know? Here's the only thing you need to get people into a continental breakfast is one of those. Make your own waffle makers. People go fucking crazy for that. There is a line when I used to travel back in the before times, if there was one of those babies, no matter how long it took to make that goddamn waffle, I would stand there and wait.

They love to pour in that tiny solo cup of batter into that Blackboy timer went off. Time to flip it, old guy. Use my little plastic fork to flip that bad boy out of there. People love that shit.

That is a wild. I don't want to get fucking Seinfeld on it because I'm less like it's not as wild to me that there was a make your own waffle maker system. As much as it is wild to me that there was a batter gun, that you kind of just put a little cup under an inlet and milked it like a like a cow did. But pancake butt pancakes you.

It's a terrible system. Yeah, terrible system. Also biscuits and gravy. I'll do that any day of the week if I see anything, even if I'm not hungry. There's biscuits and gravy. Veal. I'll take it. That's a that's that's a real de determiner right there.

Yeah. Yeah. Biscuits and gravy. First day in the day. That's really setting a tone.

You're not. You won't. Yeah.

You're not getting out of there by 11:00 a.m. and hotel since you asked that fucking tureen of oatmeal out of there. Nobody's touching that shit. What is that? Get that out of there. And you know what? I also don't want to see any plain Kellogg's flakes get that shit out of there. Nobody wants that. Sorry.

What do you think? What are you sorry? Stop it. What are plain Kellogg's like?

Not the Frosted Flakes. It's just like the like the Kellogg's Flake, you know, it's just like, oh, this is great that Travis.

Stop it. Stop the podcast. What are Kellogg's flakes there, Mike?

You know, just like the plain cereal flakes without any, like, sugar on them, no frosting.

And those are called. Tell me one more time.

Again, I can't remember the exact name, but you know what I'm talking about Kellogg's Flakes. Are you doing a bit? No, you know, with the with the Green and Red Rooster on it, what are the bee circles called the ones the ones that the bee endorses and makes so sweet with his stick?

And I think they're talking about I think the spelling bee circles are bows. Are they both a little corn flakes? Corn flakes. There it is. Yeah, I got them. All right. Thanks.

We've talked a lot about the carrot. Let's talk about the let's talk about the stick. There's lots of ways to entice your guests to go to your free breakfasts.

That's the big question is the question is how do I force hotel guests?

You've got to get them out of their rooms. Yes, that is. Yes. You vacuum seal that room, you shut off the air, 6:00 a.m. we're out of there to go get you sealed up, though.

So they are dead now, damn it.

Definitely not going to get just.

Justin, do you want to try a trail of Cheerios that they'll eat the first Humulin pretty good.

And then they'll they'll be forced by your to your logic.

They'll be forced to continue by their hunger and their taste for charitable work on a three year old who has bad parents. We're going to eat.

OK, listen, we got we got the key cards right that open all the doors. They wake up. There's someone with the breakfast right there.

Key party. Oh, well, that's not at all what I suppose a key part.

You're have you guys ever say it like a residence in where they advertise the key parties that they have every weeknight mingle with other young singles at the residence in?

Can we all agree that a key party with blank key cards with no discerning ID on them would be, I don't know, almost fun?

We're going to run around and see what door we can open.

That's smart because you'll get down there and you'll be anxiously eating breakfast and then by the end you be like, I don't even actually feel like doing it anyway.

Yeah, yeah. I get a lot of biscuits and gravy.

I actually have you guys have those experiences, phenomena of if you go to a hotel breakfast where everything is like prepackaged, you know what I mean?

Where it's like all all pre wrapped, prepackaged foods like not prepared on site, all, all sort of premade.

You'll see there's a lot of like Holiday Inn Express. Does it just trigger your Erste? Oh yeah. I see that. I'm like, I'm going to load every fucking pocket I got.

I don't know what this day is going to bring, but I am going to have a yogurt at the ready for it whenever.

I'm always surprised that there's not someone standing by there when I'm just like, oh, I'm going to get a plate and some coffee, take it back to my room like you eat it here or you leave it.

Yeah, that has a monitor. If it's prepackaged, there's a monetary value, there's a value to this, you know.

I mean, if I bring a loose scoop of scrambled eggs in one hand, no one's going to pay me now.

But it seems to contain those scrambled eggs in some way. It has value your satchel.

OK, so you're saying next time I go, I should bring a tote bag that I can just dump the batter blaster like right into and then that's my batter now and I can resell it on the street for dollars.

It's not that much just like if you if they have like the little prepackaged containers, Raisin Bran, you take one that's perfectly fine, you take two. No one's going to bat an eye. But there is definitely at the at the other end of the spectrum, if you just like supermarket sweep right in your backpack and walk away, they probably will detain you.

So what is that? There is a number in the middle at which you are no longer welcome at this establishment.

There is a there is a part of me that acknowledges then that on some level, the people working the counter, no one answer to how many yogurts can I take? They know they won't tell you, but you'll pass that point and they'll be like, hey, you know, that's too many.

They've also got to clean it up. So for every yogurt you don't take, that's another yogurt. They have to love bacteriophage, you know what I mean?

So they'll probably let you think whatever the fuck you believe. I'm just going to keep taking yogurt. You tell me when to stop.

Tell me. Give me a nod or a sign.

Yet, speaking of telling you when to stop, Travis, I'm going to tell you to stop podcast, OK?

Because we reached the end of another episode of my brother, my brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. Thank you so much for joining us for another one of these dalliances we who aren't doing well.

Yes, that's right. A dalliance. Hey, I want to tell everybody about a couple of exciting things. One, this weekend, like five days from the sixteenth, which I assume is when you're listening to this. But who knows, 9:00 p.m. Eastern Time, we're doing a virtual my brother, my brother and me with this this Saturday with sawbones opening 9:00 p.m. Eastern Time. It's going to be, let's say, weird and probably very enjoyable. Tickets are only ten dollars and you can get them at live dot the McElroy family.

Also, we have a lot of exciting merch, including a pin of the month. That is a beautiful fish, if I do say so myself. From The Adventure Zone. It benefits the Loveland Foundation, which is committed to showing up for. Communities of color and unique and powerful ways with a particular focus on black women and girls, there's also Estevan, the goldfish keychain by Cape May, a vaccines bumper sticker that benefits the Immunization Action Coalition, which works to increase immunization rates and prevent disease.

There's lots of other stuff.

Lots of other stuff. Yeah, my grandma and Match.com. Oh boy. And we got our book. Everybody has a podcast except using preorder that at the MacRay podcast Dotcom, which comes out January 26 and preorder the adventures of Crystal Kingdom at the Adventure Zone comic dot com.

Thank you, John Rodrik in the long winters for these for a theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. And I wouldn't mind putting I wouldn't mind putting these days to bed.

I'll get back to bed and get back to better the world of Karmal.

It's waiting for me.

Let me in that let me in that sweet hole and dream of ours so and then also to maximum fun again.

Thank you. A sincere thank you. Go to some of the great shows there.

They got shows that will really blow your fucking mind man.

Show Fanti and story break and a whole bunch more maximum fun dog. Do you want the final one? Yeah. Yes. Several people sent in this final Yahoo! Answers question that was asked ten years ago.

Wow. User Dony Onion's asked.

In what year did Bill Gates invent Microsoft? I Drew Griffin, Macara Kesavan.

Maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported congratulations, you've won a ticket to attend an exclusive opportunity in a relaxing environment with two lovers.

Wow.

Well, this sounds like a sort of proposition of sorts, but really, it's an ad for our podcast.

Wonderful. It's a show we do here on Maximum Fun, where we talk about things that we like and things that we're into.

I'm Rachel McElroy and you just heard Griffin McElroy.

And we are excited for you to join us as we talk about movies and music and books, things like sneezing or the idea of rain. You get news or information you can use. Absolutely. You cannot, because we're here to talk to you about pumpernickel bread. You can find new episodes on Wednesdays.

So catch catch the wave.