Transcribe your podcast

My son has asked Santa for a week. Is it Santa or Santa? My son is here. My son is Santa for a week. This year, my wife and I have absolutely no intention of buying a Wii U for a variety of reasons. He's young enough that we don't want to tell him the truth about Santa yet, but we don't want to be. He be disappointed with the big day comes.


We've tried several ways to talk him out of this we idea, but his conviction is pretty strong.


How can we shake him out of the idea that Santa will bring him this ridiculous gift without ruining the magic? That's from Alex.


Why is your kid asking for presents from Santa from Game of Thrones? I don't understand. It goes beyond to his alter ego, Santa Fears. Sure.


Listen, let me let me talk to your kid. You guys have to leave the room. How many are we just. Bryce, come in here a little.


Let the let the brothers back. Right. Talk to our parents. You do have to leave the room. We you know, we can't use bad words. We've been bound by a blood oath. So just leave the room and let us talk to him.


You know, saying it's going to bring it to you.


Yeah, yeah, mom and dad are playing this play and basically they're trying to be so, you know, my parents try to play this game. What agenesis? I'm not going to get you one of those. And then what's that?


Tendo 64 when you settle for a Nintendo 63.


Oh, what's that behind the couch. Oh, must be from Santa. What's that from Noni Nonis. Got you another present. This is a secret present. What it what Anami get.


Oh it's a sewing machine box nonee. Why. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Feels like there's some extra space. Something rattling around in this box.


Open it up. Is it. Close it.


There's a map, there's a map on this. Is that a codex? Oh, my God, Jesus had a son.


I'm not even worried about the Wii you anymore. I'm all for international intrigue.


I love this. I've got to go find the pope, the girl, while he sleeps. I did not read The Da Vinci Code.


It's basically Bryce, Bryce, Bryce. You know, Satan is going to bring it to you. Yeah. If you believe it's just plain dumb. I always see Bryce Farrell.


Have you been good? That's the only question, because if it doesn't show up, then, you know, somewhere along the line you don't goofed up somewhere. Have you been good? And are you a Christian? Have you heard the good news? I got good news for this case where this came, this little book. Don't tell your parents I love.


Right, right. You're going to keep this a secret price. You're going to be like you. Look, I don't know if your parents don't believe that's what they want to hear, but if Sarah does it for you, we have Jesus. Definitely. This is Jesus is we your insurance doesn't bring you with you because your parents don't believe in Jesus. You've got to diversify, diversify your value portfolio.


And playing with you is cool, you know, and it's cool living forever. Don't you live forever and also possibly planning to use one from Sarah, one from Jesus after you.


This is going to be like we who because because of the good news and had no power, no power of prayer.


Power of prayer. Maybe the real power isn't into the power after all the power of prayer.


Hey Bryce, Jesus does one in ten. Don't just chew it over. Mull it over. Parents, you can come back, wait, wait, it's all right. We smooth it all out, Poulenc. Hey, listen, GEP do get my cape back from him though. That keeps that was it keeps that was like a loan. OK, after the he's crying because he saw something outside the window that scared him because it was a hawk. A big hawk flew down.


We scared it away. We freaked it out though. Once you have one year where Santa doesn't bring the kid what he wants, year, you never have to worry about bad behavior again.




You know, do you want this to be like the one year, the one year that Santa really followed through on his seemingly hollow threat to not be what you wanted?


Um, just Merry Christmas, Bryce's parents. It's going to be a great one. I can just going to be a great one. Don't listen back to that part. You be tempted.


Just burn this after you after it's done.


We're fun. I mean, Christ, just flush it. Just flush this phone down the potty price. Daddy, does it come back way?


Santa can find it and he lives in the sewers. No, I'm thinking of it, I'm sorry, one of those three is definitely going to hook you up with the you Jesus Santa or any of you. This is important, Bryce, don't go to him. Let him come to you. We don't he's going to come at you from the sewer. Like, check it out. Just slide it to down here. Having a fun fun to screen experience with Mario and Yoshi.


Come check it out. And you say no, penny wise, why don't you come up? I got a big take.


Look over here, penny wise. They all go down here.


I see. I'm going to beat you.


I've got I've got a lot of space that you can really explore with that gamepad. You're going to I'm telling you, I think it's going to be way better up here.


So why don't you just just not in the sewer if we could. Hey, I know kids love clowns. Is there a clown in the world that can entice the child into a sewer? How good is this clown? He was just so gosh darn charming he is. No, he's not.


He's Tim Curry and Tim Curry, as we know. Good Tim.


Blessed with natural charm, kid Tim Curry, entice any child into any space anywhere on the earth above ground or subterranean for any reason, using any means imaginable. You can have all the way using candy in the world and be standing ten feet away from the child in an open space.


I'm going to make you a deal surrounded by you see the candy, the pony and the balloons. Right now we're going to keep Tim Curry couldn't entice a child into an ice cream truck driven by a Pokemon.


You could be surrounded by his parents and police officers.


Come here. You're going to love this. I'm chilling in here with Pikachu. A charming child is on the break.


How is that? Even by law leading Bush pops.


How do I see you met my faithful?


Goslee Don't get strung out, by the way I look. Well, what else do I have to go on right now?


You are a clown with sharp teeth. I would rather not do get strung out very strong.


I also don't think Jim could encourage an adult to do anything except dance.


Jackie Chan. But let's let's get back to Snuggies because I feel like we've made Justin uncomfortable.


I think Justin's left. I think Justin might have switched the nozzle, he might have flipped the flying oh, I'm still here. What happened?


I had to jump in here and I trying to, like, listen to this group and pick back up on the group.


Like, I'm trying to also like to say, no, let's look, this is important.


Is it the fact that you have that is approximately three apples long or is it the 600 pound sea cow with furry legs?


I'm going to say it's the skinny one because they got it was like a stealth miss. I got in and out and I didn't I didn't get them until I started getting into my old factories. Oh, God, it's so early in here.


I had to find a candle. Say something funny.


Sprayed some Old Spice Fiji body spray a little better. Oh, that's great. Well, they're blending. Stop and stop doing aerosol alchemy, can you not?


Oh, it's like a physical therapist. And Cafferty.


I hated the gym, bro. Let's see the next question. OK.


Oh, I got a question. How do you get the gap to be smaller?


Well, this is a really good idea. The room in your house that you work out of and spend most of your time maybe don't let your animals maybe don't play like shit receptacle for any living being in it.


You have full control over where that shit occurs. It all started because I had to keep the little one locked in here to keep separate from the big one.


So I put the Dukey boxing here and everything. I realized I should move moved out of here because I'm in here. Yeah, but I'm so worried. It's like the Amelio be like, well I always stay here before.


I'm sorry you didn't have that magic dirt take a chance.


As I'm passing those people, it is almost certainly the only time I'm ever going to see them.


It's intoxicating, right? Basically. Well no. What because the way I think about it is that basically as soon as I avert my eyes from those people, they're dead, basically. Like, that's how I operate in just everyday life.


Just when I don't see my friends, they're dead. Whenever I'm not talking to you guys, you're dead. So it's my world that only exists within a six foot circle around.


So like when babies start to figure out, like spatial understanding, that's no object permanence. You just skipped that one. We try to play peekaboo with Travis.


It just screams. It just screams wildly.


Where are you? What the fuck was a man? There was a man named Clint.


This sounds like a pretty good Liam Neeson movie state.


We're going to go take in three. And he's playing peekaboo with his daughter, returned my daughter to me.


I mean, I'm behind this lossiemouth, dad.


I'm gonna watch. I have a particular set of skills. I'm upset. I'm upstairs. I'm you hear the vacuum cleaner. I'm upstairs. Please fix your object permanence. I have a particular set of skills.


Object permanence is not one of them, but I have learned all my shapes. Let me draw you a circle. Ten.


I have ten fingers, ten toes like a Muppet. Babies taken babies.


Oh God.


I may be in the potty. Who's a big boy? You're about to find out if you don't return. My daughter. Dad, I'm right here. Just turn around slightly to the side. You swear you wouldn't do this at my wedding? I'll lift the veil. Is that what you want? A it fuck Jackie Chan.


Can I show you guys with a proverb and let me know and you let me know if it seems wise to you? Because in my head right now it seems really wise. Throw your wisdom spaghetti against our wall and we'll tell you what.


Let me just say this and then we'll say you wasted that spaghetti. What the fuck? I'm not saying you're going to want to, like, cross stitch this on something, but I think there's a nugget of truth there. The man who sleeps with a machete is a fool every night.


But one may think about that.


You know what? I am going to get that stitched onto a pillow are your itinerary. So they just like Stitch. I feel like I, I don't want to get to too deep here, but I would also say that every morning when you wake up, you're forced to survive.


Well, damn it. Right. I try. I've got. Yeah, yeah.


The world is a little bit brighter when you carry a smile for a flashlight. God damn it.


Let me let me hit let me hit you with another one. OK, ok. Life is like a box of chocolate cake.


How they were doing so good. We were doing so good. OK, ok. How about this one. OK, the man who sleeps with the machete is a cut above the rest.


That was a problem. Just like climbing. It was.


That sounds like that sounds like the sign you put outside of your machete store.


Well OK, to be fair, my machete store, a cut above is thriving. Thank you very much, Jackie Chan.


It leads me to a question I've always wondered, which is if you got someone strong enough and they, whilst hugging someone, grab both of their butts. Yeah. And pulled apart, like, could you rip someone in half? Because I feel like the butt crack is like that little slit that they make in packages that allow you to open it easy.


Yeah, sure. It's like God's way of saying rip this person, right? Sure. It's the it's your Achilles heel, except. It here, asshole, it's no wonder that you guys never wanted that. Come on. Why God perforated your characters?


You're saying that if you were to tell a human being a half long ways that the best place to start would be to cheat because it's natural handle's.


And also there's already obviously I mean, that's a given. That's not my question. My question is, I don't know if anyone's ever tried it before, but would it be a clean break? God, could you do it into.


I don't think that any I don't even think Hulk Hogan in his prime could do that.


I mean, how the power team could maybe the blessing of gods.


You know, I just thought about it and I watched the Hulk Hogan sex tape and he actually did do that.


I take it back, brother. Are you ready for my special move, brother? Eric?


I'd rather not. Your whole campaign is run wild all over your butt and your vagina.


I want to tell you about the half brother.


Then there was a 48 hour manhunt. Only one man could leave tracks like this.


It's all go good running. Make it through the woods. Did you guys see the little Buddy Holly Jones? I didn't destroy that.


But Hulk Hogan, sir, I'm pretty sure you did have a sex tape of you doing it. But I'm Hulk Hogan destroying this.


But you have your hands. We do, sir.


Andre the Giant is dead. There's nobody else.


Have you seen that, Hulk? God. Oh, my God.


Both of are going to test for dominance, try to scare the other one. But it's like the opening scene in Melancholy over the two planets collide.


That's basically what we're talking about. Like the last scene and over the top said it's under the bottom.


Oh, man. Can we be done all over new people group? I didn't think I would vote the way for them.


Do doing felt like the we're all going to call hold holding what the impression.


That's what it sounds like. McQuoid is of course something like the baby of the giant Sylvester Stallone.


You'd care more but didn't have.


I do not think I will love only the one appearance or perhaps you know I have forgotten for one in my book I have a budget of about thirty.


I have the dirt on to Gallagher, used to hand over bicycle built for two.


It is almost snapped to some butt cheeks. What are you doing? Get out of here, Randy. Nobody wants you to tear your butt. We're getting tender. Get out of here. Oh, yeah.


I have a large tear my butt.


Now get out of here. Randy, please.


Randy, please take a chance. Unless. Unless she's trying to set you up as like.


Can't fuck this, you know what I mean? Oh, she's putting her on a pedestal for preemptively.


This is what this this is what I'm saying. It's not what I'm saying now, because it's the it's the dumbest. Let's just say it. Get it out there.


If you say that this person doesn't have sexual, then the person if the person is the right kind of person or by which I mean the wrongest person ever, they might say, well, I can get some sexual in there.


I bet. I bet I can meet you. You haven't seen what I do in there. Let me let me find out.


Just maybe you're just darn sexual, not let them find out what's going on in their and this whole time. My matter is that just damn.


Hey, don't be darn phobic. This is good. Let me break you off some dad just real quick, which changes the flavor.


You know what they say once you go down.


Hey, did you try the plan because dad makes flan for you after he makes love to you? That's the plan, man. That's Dad's worried about basically dads calling card.


You'd smell plan, you know, dads. Fuck. Do you want to fuck down and eat some flan? What's that? You don't like flan?


I understand the weirdest Dr. Seuss book. Dad's Dad, The Man with the flying plan.


Good Dads about two seems that was playing on this day.


We're all out of lay. On his deathbed, Dr. Seuss handed that book to his publisher, like, OK, wait, time is like, listen, I know.


I know I told you that I didn't have any more books, that I was out the game.


But wait till you hear my new shit. I know I've been battling with my old to believe this is my magnum opus.


Credit will be just fine. Let me know what you think it's like. See it through your notebook. Just pictures of a guy fucking from flan. Yeah. So character down the front, fucking man. What do you think? What do you think? Seuss Inc got another hit.


Now we are already building the ride at Universal.


The house is more than the original story for hop on pop you out fired today.


I now have to pass. Just keep passing him the rock.


Jackie Chan. I think the In Memoriam was kind of lame this year.


You think so? I don't know who died. Not a lot of good people died a lot, but a lot of peace.


A lot of cinematographers. A lot of. Yeah. We are just agreeing to make a commitment to have more awesome people died this year, just can we get some good people to die this year? Listen, I'm not I'm not saying anything. Wink, nudge. But I'm just saying I'd like a really blockbuster in memoriam this year.


We can add. I mean, we could talk to them about adding people that haven't died yet. Uh huh. How fucking crazy would that be? Fucking Mickey Rourke up on the screen, like in the audience to Mickey Rourke.


Like what? No, I'm here. And they cut your hair, you see me and once the whole night.


So I'll try to convince your aunt that he's a ghost.


I watch the Oscars and then, like, the only person I can see him is Bruce Willis, and he just sits by the end of the night. James Gabbard's like a thank you for this Oscar for Avatar.


He's jumping up and down behind him, waving your hands, please. Someone you could see me go call somebody. I'm not ready to go. I'm not ready to go yet. I'm so ready to do at least turn me into a snowman. Mike and Jack, for all I need to tell my son I love my documentary, Jack Frost that I saw.


If anyone knows, I'm very pleased and proud to be a good Jack Frost.


Not like the killer card. The killer wasn't Jack Frost movie. Snow Man. Killer. Good man. Evokes, thanks for listening to our best of episode, it's been a few years since we've done one of these, but we weren't able to record last week.


So we hope you're enjoying the the golden days back when we all had the loudest air conditioners in existence. I'm guessing that air conditioning technology was not quite as advanced as it is now with our whisper quiet, you know, super coolers and stuff.


But anyway, I'm not here to complain about audio quality. I am a little bit I'm also here to tell you about our sponsors this week.


Like away, everything is super shitty right now.


But you know what's not shitty away's line of rugged and powerful and sleek, stylish suitcases and roll and bags and other gems like that.


It says here away has asked me to speak about travel that I'm excited about in the future, to which I would reply any any travel, all travel.


I have obviously not not doing a lot of flying these days, but sometimes I'll pack up my suitcase and carry it up the stairs and take it into the upstairs bathroom. And I don't need a lot of stuff while I'm in there, but it just feels good to do a make believe, pretend voyage.


But they offer a wide array of suitcases and other stuff made from a variety of different materials like polycarbonate, aluminum and durable nylon. And do they have many colors and sizes? Yes, they do. I have a big sort of gray one. I have a sort of medium size green one together. They they fill all my family's needs.


Do they have four 360 degree spin or wheels? Yes. Do those help it roll very smoothly? Yes, of course they do. You can. Shapeways selection of suitcases and bags at away travel dotcom my brother and give someone something to look forward to this holiday season. That's a way. Travel dotcom, my brother.


Hey, with the holidays coming up, you know what? Everybody could probably use a nice pair of not mittens, though. Your mittens in the fucking toilet. I'm talking about Rakan Ear earbuds. These little doodads are comfy and cozy. They plop right in your ear. They got great sound. It's got a deep, deep, rich baozi tones. It's got anything that you could ask for to to get a pleasant, sort of sonorous experience. They have seamless Bluetooth pairing and a comfortable noise, isolating fit.


And you can start listening to them right out of the box.


There's no, you know, best set up process. You just plop men and you can keep listening for hours. You can use them for calls or music or work or play or at home or on the go. It's the gift that keeps on giving. And it's a it's a great gift this holiday season because it's something someone's going to use.


Well, wants it. Don't put don't give them that Dailly. Oh, no one wants that candle. They won't rakan ear buds. And also the best part, they're not wicked.


The super expensive, like other wireless ear buds on top of recons every everyday great prices they're offering our listeners. Fifteen percent off right now. Go to buy Rakan Dotcom, slash my brother today to get fifteen percent off your Rakan Order. That's by Rakan Dotcom. Slash my brother by Rakan Dotcom. Slash my brother.


Enjoy the rest of the episode by video games, video games, video games. You like him. Maybe you wish you had more time for that. Maybe you want to know the best ones to play. Maybe you want to know what happens to Mario when he dies. In that case, you should check out Triple Click. It's a podcast about video games, a podcast about video games, but I don't have time for that. Sure you do. Once a week, kickback is three video game experts give you everything from critical takes on the hottest new releases to Scoop's interviews and explanations about how video games work to fascinating and sometimes weird stories about the games we love.


Triple Click is hosted by me, Kirk Hamilton, me, Jason Scheier and me Matty Myers. You can find triple click wherever you get your podcasts and listen at Maximum Fun Dog by.


Can we just stop it? It's really fucking totally, completely made up bullshit. It really rammed home the fact that time itself and our measurement of it is absolute horseshit, not just time, right?


All measurements, all measurements are made.


Money, money, fucking it's a it's a, you know, man, the man. Right. Like business and politics and like Wall Street's not looking out for me and my bank. No thank you. My bank. I don't want it. You know what I'm talking about. Like savings and loans. Yeah, right. Exactly.


The government don't know what's going on. The government man is taking your time away and he eats it. Do you know where the fall is?


The animal hoarding my time? Do you know where that our Youlus goes, where it goes straight to the one percent.


They go out on a yacht and they spend all the poor people time.


That's like that Justin Timberlake movie where they had the time in their arm. When it runs out, they die. Well, they keep looking at their watches. And then Justin Timberlake is like, I'm going to I'm going to instill a change in this unfair world. He does it with the power of his song and dance that I.


You haven't seen it, have you?


I did not see the film did not like it's called Time to Sing and Dance Chan can we not kick start a horse guys.


Are you saying that guys know you talking about talked about ramping up the revving of the crew.


We got to get out of here and that's the out of it idling Jon Bon Jovi. I'm not making a shitty metaphor over a horse in a motorcycle.


What I'm saying to you is he wasn't writing an actual steel horse. Oh my God. That would make you fucking that song. Oh, my cybernetic fanatic. I ride the wastelands of I could put my vibe. I saw the emerald visor.


I smoke a pack of nanotubes.


Oh, my God. Oh, God. Somebody right that I seen a million faces and I process them for fuel for my horse. I'm a cowboy. I sell water at a great profit. Dry Land is not a man who took a chance this year who was sent in by two different people, one of whom is Jacob Blocher, one of whom is Jack Howard.


I don't know how it happened. It's a it's a mystical occurrence.


But they working together, I think that they fucking work together, except they were sent like days apart. So they probably found it together. And then Jack was like, yeah, let's wait until Tuesday as soon as he fucking got the jump on it on Saturday. Anyway, thank you both. Spy Yahoo! Answers user Manuell who asks.


Is it OK to eat in the bathroom at McDonald's? Hi.


Hello, how are you?


Whenever I go to McDonald's, I always eat in the bathroom. I've been doing this for five years now without a problem.


I think that saying without a problem is is is very generous.


It's well, yeah. Let's let's break that term down is like the fucking McDonald's bouncer is not going to kick the door in and be like, I've been following your trail for five years. It goes straight from the fucking cash register in the bathroom. So it was not a very difficult trail to follow.


But you got to think, though, that if he's been going to the same McDonald's, that the cashiers are starting to talk.


Oh, I hope he's not going to I hope nobody's going to the same McDonald's except for this dude and super size me. Oh, God, don't worry. That's just bathroom. Steve, that dude in super size me who's like I five thousand Big Macs are six a day and it's like, that's great. But like, can you do them at different McDonald's. So they're not like, oh, here comes Big Mac.


Mac because his name's Mac. His name is also Mac. His name is also Mac Kinney. And it's like, why wouldn't you just call him Big Mac if that's the case anyway? Because he's actually very thin. If I remember correctly, he was a thin man.


You're on a road trip. You park, you pull into a McDonald's, you run, you make a rush for the bathroom, promising yourself that you'll go back and buy a Harley or something.


You go to the back door and there's just this guy hunched over Jimmy Chicken strips.


It's occupied by Potom flavor.


Is he voiding the while he eats is the question. I should hope not. Is this have we ever told the corncob story?


I feel like we have to go to the grocery because it's the best thing that's ever happened.


To my knowledge, we've not the perfect diagram of efficiency. That is the corn.


The corn cob story is we were at a trailer trailer park.


I think it's a park campground where you're staying there with our cousins or uncles or I think it was Tim and Tom. Right. And so we're staying there. And we were walking the grounds, seeing the sights, checking up scope some witness, and we went to the bathroom. And it was one of those deplorable kinds of bathrooms with no doors on the stalls.


So, like, those technically are not bathrooms and they're not bathroom. They're not bathrooms. They're risky water fountains. As far as I'm concerned, there's everything there, little public jails.


And we walked in and I was walking, you know, just checking to see if maybe one of these fucking stalls had a door on it because it's nineteen ninety nine and we're living in a civilized goddamn world.


Walk by one stall.


And I didn't I didn't look I didn't look long because it's like I guess a crime. But there is a little kid you sitting there taking a poop. And while I was taking a poop he was also eating some corn on the cob.


He was eating his corn on the cob while avoiding. And I walked out and made a hand gesture to I forget who was with me. I made a hand gesture like a fucking SWAT team, like, I can't talk. I can't I'm about to lose my fucking mind. Laughing You need to go walk eight feet in that direction and look westward. Turn your eyes westward towards could go for turns corn cowboy. And then we'll we'll we will. I did a little loop with my finger to say we re do some recon later on this.


We will get together and discuss it in a group. Not now though.


For now. Completely not now. I need total silence within enemy territory. I need you to walk there. I need it to be very clear that I did not say, hey, go check out this kid with no pants.


You have to keep it, Allagash. You got to keep it. Cash. Turn, sit. Oh excuse me. Say like excuse me. Or how's that corn. Pretty good I bet since you couldn't fucking tear yourself away from it. Couldn't leave it on the picnic table. Go Boyd, go evacuate and then return to your business.


There wasn't this kid's life where he was drunk or realized you need to use the bathroom was allowed. I leave this. I did it.


I mean, he buttered it. And once you butter it, it's like that's your day. Yeah, that's your day. Until you've until it's done. That's your day.


Have you ever thought about it from this kid's point of view that maybe like Griffin's acknowledgment of him and like just the look on Griffin's face changed, turned his life around?


That kid grew up Steve Jobs.


He grew up super fast. He grew up. Steve Jobs took chance. This Yahoo! Answer was sent in by Reed.


Thank you, Reed to Yahoo! Answers user mommy who asks Well, I quitted karate.


Is that a good decision? Trainings are hard.


My bro told me to quit. Jesus, trains are hard, my brother told me to quit because I didn't want to attend karate, so I quit and my parents don't hate you.


Were you found guilty for karate? No. Has equated. My parents don't want me to quit because they wanted me to protect myself when I grow older. So is it a good or bad decision to quit?


So do you guys know anybody? Who did karate? Coming up. Yes, I do. I knew one Chris Sizemore, Derek Moore. But like, here's the thing.


I feel like there was a mythos around karate or all forms of kung fu, and there still is, which is I'm learning it for self-defense.


I don't I don't think that situation is ever unfolded organically in the history of pugilism.


I think that I think that is somebody who is dedicated 20 years of their life to mastering kung fu. And then they get in one bar fight, in that bar fight, in that moment, that primal moment of punch, they do not go. What did my sensei teach me?


The I disagree because I think in the moment of punch it probably comes up. But like in the dark alley, where do they pull the gun?


You're probably not thinking like, well, no, because you're not going to fucking, like, throw a ball of cheese at him.


Like, that's obviously not. Have you guys seen that thing when you're fucking. We do that when you're careening towards that drunk truck driver, you're not going to kung fu his car out of the way.


Travis, when this when the fucking sun explodes, you won't experience the heat death of the universe. You're not going to fucking kick your way out of the house when I tell you.


The funny thing is, though, as soon as someone says, like self-defense, I'm taking it for self-defense. That is what I pictured like fighting.


I'm ninety five years old in this coronaries about to get me.


But let me just chop it, done it. Fix my heart. It's cool now. Got it. With sharp nine years it comes to paid off.


People say they do it to defend themselves and if you really pound that math out it is a bad investment no matter which way it breaks in, in this evil situation, in this situation that you're that you're envisioning, you're in mano a mano combat, hand-to-hand, no weapons allowed.


Because make no mistake, my friend, if you have karate and he has insert sharp thing here, you lose, you lose, it's over.


You get stabbed.


That's why that's why fucking knives and swords and guns were invented, is because people like this fuck hole on Yahoo is like karate is too hard. I wish there was a substitute. Oh, you're telling me this life is worth a hundred billion years of karate. OK, I'll just take that then. It's way easier.


I think that the the the big problem with with karate is I don't have an end of the sentence.


I'm a drop macgraw now.


That's some shit. That's some shit I can crawl.


MacGraw or Tim McGraw, you are welcome to Tom LGMA, Tim McGraw, Schraub Megraw.


I'll teach you how to tumble, how to throw somebody use their weight against him and not get your head knocked off.


Welcome to Tom McGrath, Tim McGraw, Krav Maga. Hi, I'm Tom Megraw. People tell me I look like Tim McGraw, but that's just my name sounds the same. Who wants to learn how to tussle?


My brother Tim McGraw taught me his fighting style, called McGraw that he invented it. Was I amazing?


Every day I miss him so much. I miss him. He died in a car accident.


I've been pretending to be him for the last twenty years. Have you had sex with Faith Hill? No.


Come on, let's rock.


Everybody do in the crowd. I'm Girl Crawl.


I don't think that is Tim. I don't think that was Tim McGraw. Every problem like you done.


Let's go doing that one works. Thank you.


Don't take the Krav McGraw lessons from my brother Tom.


Don't take his share. Don't take shit, girls.


McGraw, can anyone give me an I like it. I love it. I like it. I love it. I chopped that guy's arm off, took a chance.


OK, let me tell you guys the story of the Terminator. I will start from the beginning. Sarah, Sarah and her son John.


John, her son John. Sarah Connor is pregnant with a baby and Arnold Schwarzenegger is a robot.


A series. Eight hundred Terminator is E.T.. Dad, what now.


Sorry. Sorry.


Is he the dad? No, he's a robot. So robots can't.


Oh, sorry. Sorry to keep interrupting you. Just the baby half robot. Well, I've seen Bicentennial Man, OK?


And robots can come and they can create babies just like a normal person.


OK, well let me start again. And this time I replaced the Terminator with Robin Williams robotic character from Byzantium.


Oh, this is going to be so much fun to go on.


So Bicentennial Man, as portrayed by Robin Williams travels.


It is in a war in our future is in a war with humanity. Robots versus humans, right? Does he have a skin and stuff yet, or is he still like the creepy Servoz at this point? He has skin. OK, so we're close to the end of the movie.


We're close to the end of the movie. It's in our future. But he's about to go to the beginning of the movie, which is our past.


So back when he had just just metal, John Connor is leading humanity's revolt against robots. The baby, like the baby is doing this. Yes. Yes. A baby from inside the womb fully grown.


John Connor is humanity's revolt against the robots. OK, so the robots like this is going bad. I don't think we're going to win this one. And they're like, well, first off, well, this is the thing.


The robots never give up. OK, but here's the thing. I don't see the robot sitting around a table, right? Listen, guys, we're blowing it.


Listen, guys, I put a lot of thought into this and we had a good run in my guy.


This is what happens.


So listen, so they make a bunch of robots that look on Schwarzenegger and now Arnold Schwarzenegger is a is a T eight hundred, but he's a one on one model. So like his series is like his robotic abilities and that one on one a first like his flesh covering all look like Arnold Schwarzenegger.


So they sent him back in the past to kill John Connor's mom, with which Sadiqi harsh. It seems harsh to Terminator two.


And that's right. That's the end of the movie. They send him back and say good luck on the movie. She's like, thanks, I'll do what I can't and bump bump credits. What did you do? So then OK, so then two, they try it again with a robot made of liquid. But by this point the humans have their own Arnold Schwarzenegger and they sent him back to protect him from that.


And that's John Connor's dad.


That's debatable. Is John Connors his own dad?


Oh, he's he's kind of a back.


I saw the scene in the original t t one where Arnold Schwarzenegger goes.


That one stars like all you Thylacoleo and shoots.


And it's like, oh, let me take out my chewing gum shoe. As I said, are you Sarah Connor? Yes, I am.


And then he's like, also, are you the Sarah Connor, the specifically the one that has a baby and the baby and the are you pregnant right now with a baby that just like feels like like a few apocalyptic leader of men? And she's like, no, that's not I'm like I'm like 60 years old. It's clearly not me. And he's like, OK, I apologize for the Wellstead. Have a nice day. I love you. I love the taste for the hedges in your yard.


They're good while I'm here.


Do you know any the the several callers that maybe you have like a daughter, your name.


But did you name my daughter after yourself, by the way, I have good news about robot Jesus who's who knew Jesus Jesus.


But I'm just going to leave them in a hotel deal. So so it's really almost it's just sweep of the nation to get on board super early with robot Jesus.


I love you. A few excerpts from the Bible. So that's a sidebar Bible that brought about Jesus wrote for you from the future. No.


OK, that's all. I'm going to go his his oil will wash your way.


You thought that that was a fucking super, super good impression.


We all did good. You think we can do it this week? If we had a fourth brother, he would be in this whitstable for my birthday because of diminishing returns and statistics, you know, a lot bigger than others.


But doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression is really easy.


Just lower your voice slightly and mumble. And apparently the hard part is fighting the patient is they want to definitely it is your same.


I just have an impression of a big man. I might, especially in my hall. Dear, dear Jesse Ventura.


Hello. Hello. I'm also a governor.


So, Griff, just sign up. Should we make like a bunch of loud noise so it's easier to find the edit mark for when you cut out that giant section where we talk about Terminator?


No, take a chance. Do you guys like huge dildos to give me some sort of metric?


Because that could mean like my definition of what a huge dildo is is probably different than what yours is.


If it looks like something that the Eye of Sauron would appear about, like that's the kind of thing I'm talking like I actually prefer. Are a lot of really small dildos, is that better for you? And this is cuter. It's fun. It's like a couple of pins on a desk, you know, in that one.


Then in Fantasia, where Mickey Mouse chops up the brim and it becomes a bunch of brooms.


It's like that. But what do they sell that on extremist means? Do they sell? Do they sell a young man's fancy extremist stance?


Can you buy that? Can I buy my innocence back? And I'm sure I want to tell you guys about one very special to me. This is the Annihilator X. X, and you guessed it, x l dildo this access for excellence. This man looks like he is cradling a poodle, a black shiny poodle in front of his crotch is 18 inches long, is nine pounds.


Fuck. How do you even how do you I can operate that. You've got to have a trusted friend you have to believe in for this Bilboa or a running start.


Either way, I guess. Yeah, I don't really understand.


Let me let me zip it out of the comments and see the comments.


You're all just like, no, no, no, no.


I love how flexible this one is and I love taking it all the way to the base. I felt like I would explode.


Now, folks, when you are leaving a product review on extremist, it is so important to make sure it doesn't sound like you're bragging. And this one seems very bragging to me. It's like a back door brak. That's right.


I couldn't see get though.


That was my husband many years ago suggested a threesome with his very well endowed best friend, husband, small, only six inches long.


Oh wow. So he's still in the 30s, I guess.


And anyway, my husband a few years ago by this and OMG it's huge and intense. I was lucky.


I have sex a lot but with a very big cock. But this omg it's on a different level and so am I. I am addicted to feeling stretched.


Justin is no longer reading review. He is just, he is just letting is forming tempo, just forming thoughts in his brain and using his mouth to express them.


I actually love the power move. I'll tell you why are you going to have a threesome with your well-endowed friend. You're well. And our friend gets out his wiener and then he turns his back for just a second. And that's when you whip out the Annihilator Zel. It really kills the appeal of Greg so great.


It also kills it also kills the person that it plunges into. Is there are there any reviews like I am typing this as I'm using it for the first time and am now dead this period?


I'm hating the period hitting, clicking the send button and dying what they said annihilator at X XXL. They were not at all joking. That would be this is the the loved ones.


We came home. David had been shocked like a pistachio but he sure did look happy. Thanks.


Extremely tight with a smile on his face like a toddler ripping apart a Fruit Roll-Up just split right down to him.


He was I was looking at the horses and there's one that I wanted to point out to you specifically, and it is my favorite name of a horse that is running in the Kentucky Derby. And here it is.


Are you ready for it? Yeah.


Or, you know, for one, I am ORP or one the Kentucky Derby horse, because he has the maximum amount of space, the maximum efficiency of space used in a geographic geometric object.


Well, he also has the most streamlined name.


Why everybody else has like those longus like, you know, like Steven's left shoe or something, you know, and it's just orb.


Yeah. What if Orb was at what. And that's why it was a sentient globe that insisted he was a horse.


I am I am a horse like of horses. You must admit to me to the race. I am who are not horse, I am horse.


Do not pay attention to how my horse legs don't touch the ground. I'm a I'm a hover or.


Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Time horse. Please, please enter into my own deposit slop. I am, I am horse. I'm not an orb.


I am named or provide any one one metric cube of of sweet glycerin and I shall tell you a fortune.


And also when your privative horse race also if you, if you know of any jockeys.


I do need one please.


One preferably a long a a really good wingspan I'm going to need because I'm spherical and twenty feet in diameter.


You might want to paint him with some kind of glue. I'm not ironic. I know I must win your horse. Your Earth. Earth. Horse race. So I may make love to your horse women.


Did you guys say your names because mine's Justin? Or is a very sexual being?


I come from the advanced future of 50 20 for everyone is a geometrical shape and everyone loves to party.


Please find me a horse that I will not crush today and make sure she's down. Make sure she's down that clown way.


This orb is also only about consensual sex.


Do people in the Pokemon universe eat Pokemon?


Pokemon seem to be the only animals around the world created by the show and games. Do the humans who live there eat Pokemon considering that they can all be caught in train? They obviously have some sort of intelligence, so it's eating them be in violation of some sort of ethical code. The only way around this, I suppose, would be if everyone was a vegetarian, but I don't see much evidence to support either side. What do you think? Definitely.


Tricky, tricky quandary, tricky conundrum.


It's hard to catch them all if you keep fucking getting high on your own supply, so to speak, I feel like, OK, so practically speaking, in the world of Pokemon, the battling and competition of Pokemon is a huge business. I mean, it's like the most important thing in their world, right?


Yeah, it's on TV. It's it's on TV. The highest thing you can watch the celebrities, the highest status you can hope to achieve is to be the the you know, the master, you know what I mean? Like, so the victor the I ask this because it seems like.


They would be too expensive to eat like any time you eat one.


It's like eating a show pony, I guess, but the supply and demand is off there because you can just fucking walk in the grass and then they go.


No, nobody's eating like you, but people are probably eating pidgey left.


So you're saying there's a hierarchy of edible Pokémon and you're saying near the bottom of that is a pig, is a magic carp. And then what's the mouse one?


Ratatat. Ratatat, but it's probably there. Oh, I could go for a Ratatat frittata right now. It would be so yummy. Definitely.


But you're saying probably in Slowpoke they're probably Snorlax because they're like herd animals. Sure. Snorlax is not. Snorlax is actually fairly rare. But I understand what you're saying.


I'm gonna eat my snorlax. Oh, no.


What if you just wander up to the campfire and you see someone guiltily eating a snorlax and then you'd tell them like, no, he was like, really value.


I was like this in this whole game.


But at the same time, though, you kind of keep in mind there's only one Mutu you can catch. Right? I bet he is fucking delectable because of it. Because of the rarity of it. That's the thing.


Only the super rich can afford to eat too. Now that's a tricky one because he's he can speak English according to the first we come back.


It's weird. Oh no. He speaks the king's English.


So like that would be that would be uncomfortable unless you only maybe a little bit like you could do like one leg at a time.


Yeah, precisely. And then you could still have the Pokemon. That would be interesting because like I've reviewed pretty much every game that has ever come out for that series and, you know, it's a little stale. It needs something to shake up the franchise. What if you get your starter Pokemon and you just eat it instantly right in front of them?


Right. Which one do I want? Which one do I want? I'll take the grass type. Let me get a little ranch.


Can I have another one? Nope. Shit game over into the game.


Your list of Pokemon gets full and you want to catch another one. You have to eat it. There's no storing it. You story in your belly and you convert it to calorie energy.


And it's not just like a pop up like you eat, but you have to actively do buttons.


And if you if you press the buttons wrong, it goes from like a smooth, easy mercy killing to like a botched, really horrible experiment.


I think there needs to be some recognition of the of the food chain of survival in the fittest. Because let's be honest, if you're out in the environment, you've got all your Pokemon are knocked out except for one, and you fight like a fucking alligator and he kills your last Pokemon, you're not just going to fall asleep and wake up in a Pokemon center. You'll be killed. You'll be devoured. Jackie Chan is finally Yahoo!


Answers, written by IRA Ray. Thank you, IRA. It's by Yahoo! Answers user Aaron who asks, What are some good songs against Illuminati without cussing? McElroy, I'm Travis and I'm Griffin McClaughry. This is my brother, my brother may kiss your dad. Maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported.