The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed, Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only.
So the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool, baby? You're coming back.
All right. We've got jokes and we're going to give advice. Laughter It is a common sight and say it's time to start. It's my. Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, and if I show the modern era, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.
Hello, my children. It is I, the ascended Travis McElroy.
It's just the name Griffin is here. Hello.
I'm so glad that you, my brothers, could meet with me here.
Who I wish you were here with me and the ascended plane. It's the Kito juice. I told you once he gets on that Quito I have to be different.
21 days of salad in a row. Oh, his dietary bit. Your ascension really is based in the griffin.
OK, I've had three weeks of salad straight and it seems that that was all it took.
OK, let me just let me just crack into your blocked colon, OK? Let me just look at the cookie points.
Oh, my God. Yes. Are you kidding me? I traded my cookie points in four one a dune buggy and to the ability to communicate telepathically. Yeah.
So that's actually on here. There's a website where you can you trade him in. It's kind of like, like jump rope for heart and you did enough cookie points. I guess you got a dune buggy. Damn.
That's like aspirational. Nobody actually gets the dune buggy.
I'm right now Griffin coming to you. I'm tooling around in the dunes but I'm your fucking mind.
Your brain waves. That is correct. Sick dude. Yes.
I had enough left over to get this paddleball.
OK, hey, peace. Be straight with me now, though. Psychic dude. Travis. Yeah.
How yucky was it to eat all of those salads? Here's the problem with salad. Sometimes jellyfish bite you. Oh, yeah.
There's no wet and there's no crumble and there's no beef. And those are the three that one of the three always has to be in there in order for me to have a good chewing experience.
Listen, yes, sometimes there was a leaf that snuck in betwixt my chompers. Right. But that they then those go straight to my brain, the crumble bits and the beef bits and the wet bits. They go to tummy town. Yeah, the green bits. Well, they go up to brain berg and in brain berg they get turned into the ability to levitate objects.
Oh, you can do that too. Yes, I can. Griffin, look down.
You're not touching your chair anymore. No, you're right. I've been floating. I just didn't know that that was you. I'm levitating your butt. Yeah, no, it feels weird.
I can actually, you know, it's weird you're levitating me, but I feel too like big hands.
And Griffin, I want you to know that was optional. It it didn't have to feel like two hands, but I made it that traffic.
I know how many salads you started. How many have you finished? I finished everyone.
Just. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's never happened.
No one's ever gotten a salad. And let me let me explain. I didn't complete them. I was finished.
Well, that's stupid. Now you're getting into semantics. I'm saying everybody is eating so many salads has given me the power of semantics.
No one has everybody gets their point in any salad ever where they're like, I've done I this is it. I'm done. I, I would like to play in your salad game to please you guys. Let me play with your salad game too. Here's my trick, Justin and I recommend the thing games going.
Oh God damn it Travis. It's the power, it's the salad juice. He's in control.
We need to just like salad juice crowds everywhere.
Justin, you get you must build your salad in a glass bowl so that when you finish, you can lift it up, see through it and say, I have the clarity of salad.
Now, see, that was nothing.
Yes, it was. It was actually something on this plane. All right.
He's got me jealous. I'm going to open up my mini fridge. I have my office and eat the salad I've got here. But wait a minute. It's gone. Yeah, there's just a calling card here. That's that's that says it says now it's mine and it's from Professor Cabbage. Is that what you call yourself now? Oh, wait, hold on.
Professor Cabbage Griffin, you have to get out of the house right now. Wait, you're gonna say your cabin.
No, Griffin. He is a salad eater slash serial killer.
OK, I'll get out of uh. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. Oh boy.
You have a party baking bread since your brother. So how did he die.
Luckily so much salad. Just give me the ability to resurrect Griffin.
Oh thanks Travis.
You really got your shit first. OK, ok. I recognize my mistake.
Now I'm going to try to kill you. I'm going to kill you. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. I want to change the name of a big barrier. Twenty, twenty what the subtitle is no longer divisive of the modern era, now its characters. Welcome.
This year, characters have been welcomed lovingly into we not a lot of big characters show, but we've been lovingly welcoming characters in Boys are wild about it. What about a love?
Professor Cabbage has got legs.
He doesn't know it's rabbit legs. Actually, he's a huge rabbit now, Travis.
He's a man with too long big sexy legs. Oh, I'm thinking of a different Professor covid. Don't you want my fucking professor cabbage?
He is like, yeah, whatever I want. He's an audio character.
This is fair, huh? Glad. Glad for you, Trav. Glad you're glad for your salads.
But hey, listen, folks, this is still an advice show and we are so happy to see way it is, is we're so happy to be here with you and we're so grateful that you've welcomed us back into your your incredible lives. We love you and we're ready to to help. We're here to help. And I think maybe with all the characters, we've maybe lost sight of that a little bit. And I am so sorry about that.
That's true. Listen, we should say at the top of the show, some exciting developments vis the theme song is we've been terribly sued by Klasky Suppo and this is our final episode because they said they said that it's not funny anymore and that they worked very hard on the Rugrats song and that I'm I actually am now in jail and I'll have to go there and Klasky Super is going to die.
I mean, people keep saying it's similar to Rugrats. I don't hear it. I don't hear anything. It's Hey, Arnold.
I was also going to say, hey, Arnold, that was that Arnold.
I forget. But we are working. We are partnering. Partnering makes it sound like we're doing any work at all.
We need to know we are relying fully upon we are relying fully on a very talented artist who is whose work on a song for us that is is very good. We're very excited about it. We'll have more news about that.
She sent us a demo recently and it's going to be very good. It's going to it's going to blow your asses right off while the goal. Now you're getting a little crazy travel, OK? It's going to put your asses back on.
No, the asses will be intact and enjoy music. Doesn't do anything to your I think doesn't do it out loud. You play it. Dang it's an issue. I just got an email today. Yeah. I just got an email that today my work is having a virtual team.
Now you got me just you got me finally to boost morale while we're all working remote.
The event is a virtual escape room over zoom, not a video game. They are having us attempt a real escape room, the worst part is will be done by shouting instructions at a stranger in California who has a phone strapped to his head. Oh, boy. How do I get through this unbearably awkward meeting while still showing my manager, I'm a team player that's from sequestered in Seattle. They legally can't make you go to an online meeting. If you have diarrhea so bad, you can't get off the toilet.
And this may be one of those times where you just got to rip the rip the the ripcord off and somehow you're Griffin, because I think it would be easier to go to an online meeting if you had diarrhea so bad you couldn't get off the toilet.
It's not proper. It's not proper. It's OK. It's improper. And so this this is I mean, I hate to be that that guy, but if you can get get you some diarrhea, then they can't make you do it. And this is so bad, real bad. Do you need real diarrhea there? You can't just like, say you have done here. Yeah.
I mean, for me, Trav, you know, it's not an issue because I can more or less at will change my stuff in there.
This this sucks, dude.
Wow. That's rough.
So they it everybody in your meeting is going to be talking to a real person who's who's explaining what. You know, I once worked in haunted houses for very rich kids, birthday parties, amazingly, or Halloween parties in L.A. for one October.
I remember when you accidentally murdered Jonathan Lipnicki. Yeah. Do you remember that? And then you had to find a kid who looked like him to go out and play him. And you swore you'd never tell.
Of course I remember that. Girvin I did one time scared Jonah Hill very, very solidly scared Jonah Hill, but nice. But I thought that that was maybe the most demeaning job that perhaps an adult person could do for a short period of time for like a very specialized like I don't think this is a job, but I'll do it.
I think having a phone strapped to your head while you are the homunculus for a bunch of people trying to do an escape, you're one person alone in an escape room while a legion of voices yell at you could break a human being in 15 minutes.
It's the stuff that we love and escape from. Oh, we were all about that life. It's just the idea of your workplace being the the this person being the conduit for all this sort of disparate voices in your workplace scenario. It doesn't sound great. So how do you get through it?
I guess yeah. I guess maybe like most. Being the most supportive, yeah, that's something that every puzzle room needs, but it's rarely done like just sort of like a hype, like you've got this or like good one if you believe maybe it's magnets.
If you say maybe it's magnets every few minutes, you're eventually going to hit on something. Oh, yeah. Just say I bet that does something any time anybody. Like if they pick.
Oh I bet that does something that looks like a pattern to me. Oh yeah.
And if anybody says that looks like a pattern to me or I bet that does something about bet magnets you just go yeah. No, that's what I was going to say.
Maybe you're the person who's like roping people back in, like people who've like kind of checked out. You're the one who like every few minutes you're like, what do you think, Carol?
Hey, yeah. Hey, Duggie, where are you at on this right now. Yeah. Yeah. You're out on this. Get aggressive with Garrett. Hasn't said anything in a while, huh.
Garrett being suspiciously quiet. Maybe you part of the escape room. Derek, I know you've worked with the company for seven years, but if you been a plant this whole time, you moonlight in Derek.
You thief. God, I feel like there's the inverse solution to this, which may be better, which is that you get fucking down and dirty hog wild as hard as you can, solving this fucking puzzle room with the hopes that you can just get through it the fastest. Yeah.
And if anybody else is like, I don't know, we could check the we're not checking the tree. All right. The tree had nothing in it. You you're done.
Meet yourself. I didn't escape room with our then one year old in the room with us and that you want to talk about a fucking real life escape route. This brings in pulse pounding grills. Do it like that old time bomb in their diaper time bomb, changing tables in fucking Sherlock.
Oh, because people, all of us people rip them down and they'd be like, Sherlock Holmes didn't have a baby. This is a clue.
And I just wanna say, no, nobody actually knows that for sure. Sherlock Holmes might have had a baby. Oh, yeah. I've been writing was Travis Patrick McIlroy. Thank you very much. Said a Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock Holmes.
Well, see, I first Sherlock Holmes in a cryogenic chamber. Then he woke up in nineteen ninety San Francisco to solve crimes.
And he's my dad. Yeah. And you had to teach him a lot about Dad.
He didn't know about how phones work for the first time. This dude had a Slurpee. Yeah. Blew his mind, blew his fucking gourd. So I was thinking the other day guys I was thinking about under the table and fishing. Oh my God.
And can we can we talk about the biggest problem with under the table in fishing is that I'm glad we're doing these like these sort of postmortems.
Yeah, well, production we're wartime production conversations on the dime of the listener.
Well, here's the problem. Here's the problem with under the table in fishing. There's a problem with it. Yeah. It's often so obvious which ones. Dave Matthews, because it's so fucking horny.
Right. And then it hit me. And now allow me to present to you under the table and fishing presents your body as a satellite.
Is it Dave Matthews or John Mayer? Fuck. Oh, that's something, huh? That's something I not cyno. Here's the thing. I know four of his songs. Yeah.
So it's me, Dave Matthews. What's your. So do John Mayer. Yeah. John Mayer.
Body is one. No, that's not what he doesn't just walk around singing songs you as a little baby.
It's me drama. There he is kind of like playing the game with me and my friend Dave Matthews man.
I'm the Dave Matthews man from the Dave Matthews Band doing what do you call it, an appointed community, sir, the house kind of turned to Tim Curry there. There's a lot of people in the studio and we only brought so many chips.
OK, now I'm here, too. It's me, James Blunt. You're beautiful. Get out of here, James. But there's not room. You'll never guess which songs might. I'll start. You're beautiful. All right, James.
James, you didn't make the cut. We talked about this. My life's really, you know, hey, you can grab something off of the table to eat. And we have some T-shirts on your way out if you want one of those.
Hello. Larry Smith. Oh, boy. And you look at me, get shot.
Oh, man. Ed Sheeran and James Bond are making out. Hello.
I love to you read. I like to feel warm. I also catch up and do a case.
Oh, man. It's really romantic. A lot of fucking characters though. Let's do this game.
OK, round one. Now, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you one set of lyrics from both. And I want you guys to tell me which ones which. All right.
Is going to be like getting you ready. Yeah. Yeah. Option one, the power of your kiss, your words, your lips, your flesh, your bones, exactly what you need. Option two, am I the one who plays the quiet songs? Is he the one who turns to the ladies on. Well, I keep shining till my light is gone. Who did you think I was?
Oh, so you're complicating things even more. We're to pair them. One is Dave.
One is number one is Dave. Number two is mayor. Yes. Correct.
Yes. Round two. I will beg my way into your garden. I like that we don't pause to make any jokes or observations about that. This is this is a straight up and down real test.
OK, I will beg my way into your garden. I will break my way out when it rains just to get back to the place where I start. John Mayor. So I can I can want you back all over again.
This one, John Mayor, because I've heard this song before. And the other one is Dave Matthews.
Man, dammit, let me drink you, please. I won't spill a drop. I promise you, lying under this spell you cast on me each moment, the more I love you. Now, this one is where it's going to get tough. Well, that was Dave. You are? Yeah. This was where it's going to get tough. OK, don't hold your love over my head. Don't hold your love over my head. Yeah. Don't hold your love over my head.
Don't hold your love over my head. Come on. Come back to bed and then John Mayer's come back to bed.
This isn't that hard actually. Why are you always in bed? And he just wants you to come back to bed. How do you know so many fucking John Mayer songs? Kevin, he's a he's a major fucking recording artist.
And I liked to make out in the early aughts.
So I, I was feeling OK. Just listening to this actual factual Dave Matthews lyric that Dave Matthews man wrote and said this is a fine thing to project out into the world that I, Dave Matthews, thought of with my brain. I was feeling like a creep as I watched you asleep face down in the grass, in the park in the middle of hot afternoon, your top was untied. And I thought, how nice it be to follow the sweat down your spine.
And then I quit and then I killed a year and then I killed. The reason you were face down is I stabbed 10 men because the Zodiac Killer, Dave Matthews man, me and old Ted Cruz did a two hander on Zodiac.
That was us. OK, final round. All right, all right, I'll show one you can't get too much love. Don't you feel it in your belly? Go get some. Go get your some. Excuse me. You can't get too much love. The time is right for loving. So come on. Come on. Option.
You had a little love, but I spread it thin, falling in her arms and out again. Made a bad name for my game around town. Tore up my heart and shut it down.
Dave and Mayor Dave first. Mayor second. Same correct.
Damn. OK, Carter Griffin. I didn't expect you to be such a Mayeux.
Yeah, I mean I don't really know is new his new shit. I used to be so tender.
What can I get for what happened. Yeah, we you're on 9/11. Do you guys want to yahoo. My people say it's from me. It's from Yahoo!
Answers user Amelia who asks Can you live in a restaurant but not sell food. I was wondering if you can buy a restaurant, for example, a Taco Bell. If the Taco Bell shut down for any reason, could I buy the property and turn it into a house just like your average living space? Keep the logos and signs up that advertising is Taco Bell, but it won't actually sell food.
And I technically won't be a Taco Bell anymore.
Why would you do that, though? Funny. But I also I think that they wouldn't want you to keep up the logos and signs.
You might be able to get away with it for a while. Like, I don't think they're going to send Papa King to your house to like. Yeah, and buy your house. I mean, the former Taco Bell building, they're not going to send him in to, like, tear your shit down or anything, but they aren't gonna like it. They aren't going to like that.
Yeah, but you're just opening yourself up to people coming in your house, unlike unbidden and being like, hey, can I get that? And you're like, oh, it's not actually, I don't serve food. And they're like, damn, why do you have all the signage and everything? You left the light on for me. Why wouldn't I?
Now, here's what's a way more interesting thing. Yeah, there are some McDonald's that are open 24/7. I live in that McDonald's. What do you you know, I in the movie terminal where, like, he just lives in the terminal, correct? Maybe I'm just like living in McDonalds.
So you're saying because it's open 24/7, then you could live in it?
As opposed to a normal like a regular business hours McDonald's, this point doesn't make much sense. That's. But could you buy that McDonald's after it goes under and live in McDonald's? I don't think I'd have that McDonald's.
I'd want a buffet if I was going to do this. Yeah, I'd want to get a restaurant that had a buffet in it. Right. That's just fun. Friends over. It's already halfway to yourself, but OK.
Wait, wait, wait. I need you to understand something. If a Taco Bell goes under and I move in, I buy the building and I move in and I refuse to take down the Taco Bell signage. The beef that's in there is is one day going to rot the beef.
OK, but you suggesting I want a face, so when friends come over, we can have a buffet.
You realize you're going to have to food. Is there I mean, all the equipment. Griffin So you just want to have fun with buffet equipment. I'm saying that the locations are there. I can make a big thing out of, say, spaghetti or salad or yogurt or whatever and just dump them in.
I can already hear I could do that in my house.
But you have to put it. You have to put it on a table. Griffin And when you shop around for houses, do you look and pay attention to.
Well, here's a here's a cold hole that I can put putting in. This is why I'll buy this one. Yeah. That doesn't mean you don't see the pudding.
You don't see the pudding all at buffets much anymore. I don't think my kids have ever seen a pudding hole. That is especially not in the current days.
Oh, God. That was that was the close down our Golden Corral here, guys. I don't know if you knew if Golden Corral can't make it in Huntington, I don't know what to tell all of I guess this this unpleasant time, this challenging year was a rough buffet. Restaurants, I think. Yeah.
You know, I, I think I would rather and I know this wasn't the question, but that's never stopped me before. I think I'd rather live on a putt putt course than I was.
That really has nothing to do with.
No, I mean, I just our restaurant feels so restrictive. Right. I think I like with the pub.
Of course you can have like I live in the windmill and like this water trap is my pool. I just feel like it's more flexible as far as the things you could do with her and more fun over time, because after a while, I think living in a Taco Bell, it would wear off pretty quickly. Where then you're just in a Taco Bell and you're like, well, there's no rooms and no real place for a bed when it's put up with OK, I think.
But but I think the putt putt course, there's a lot more options as far as like designing it.
There's a lot you just as far as dying of exposure to the outdoors.
Oh, it's so insane what you just said, Travis.
There may be that I say you've got a checkered past and I think we would all be lying to ourselves.
It may be the toughest thing you've ever had to say to go into a Taco Bell building and be like no room for a bed in this one. It's got two bathrooms in it. The Taco Bell does already and a break room and a kitchen and living space like the last time you guys went running.
There's almost always a cave. You walk through some shit. There's always at least one interior part of the Pupper.
Of course, there's like a little waterfall that's closed most of the aluminum monster fuck man that you guys are being so close minded right now. You're telling me you would rather live in an old stinky Taco Bell than in a fresh air, that what you just said is fucking hateful?
First of all, you don't think that the fucking smell of beef is so great and pleasant and good?
Yeah, no, for sure, dude. For sure. For sure. Maybe pleasant for like ten minutes when you're in the Taco Bell. But if it was all the time, I'm telling you right now, hey, any Taco Bell employee listening to this, you tell us right now you tweet at Griffin Magary adjusting my boy. Tell them about how your clothes smell when you come home from Taco Bell. Yeah, I'm not I'm not even going to lead the witness.
You just tell them how.
See, family comes up to you after you get home from a shift and gives you a big hug, you chase dogs down the street. What is that spicy neighborhood?
This is how dogs are trying to kill you and your tenison huffin quick before the smoke, before the scent goes away.
Tell me those tweets, by the way, I worked at Olive Garden where we always came home coated in something called Ojai Water. Oh yeah, we've talked about Ojai water. So yeah, I'm not I don't need I don't need the lesson in that.
My my man, Tommy Red used to give me a ride to school every day and he was having all these clothes in the back seat.
And God, every, every style I got into his car, it was like an assassin was trying to suffocate you with garlic bread.
It was the last.
I'm just saying a Taco Bell establishment is one dead away from being a home. That's it. That actually you can actually, like cross stitch that into a sampling error. Taco Bell staff is a family like that. So I've been trying to get you guys to realize we're a family here.
We look out for each other. Is that why you keep giving me those applications? I'm just saying it's a family drama, as you could probably have a family of your own.
Imagine if blood is thicker than the bun. This makes sense. Think outside the blood. Inside the inside the blood. I recently quit my job at a certain fast food place. Wow. We didn't part on the best terms as I told them I was quitting in the middle of a mandatory quarantine. While I'm happy to never make the food again, their salads were once a regular lunch for me. My question is this was the appropriate amount of time to wait before I can head back to the drive thru window.
I used to claim that's from Wendy's widow in West Virginia right away.
A weird conflux of talking points in this episode already here, because you left you left the familiar. And that's got it. There's a price to pay with that.
I feel like I would say zero amount of time. Like, I think the best thing to do is walk out, get in your car, drive through the drive thru and get I mean, I, I completely agree.
I feel like you quit your car, you pull up to the window, one southwest avocado chicken for me to go.
Because the best part about that is possibly you do that before the other person realizes you don't get an employee discount anymore.
It might be the only if you time you're right. It might be the only way to guarantee you've got the most sumptuous foods is if you prep the chicken, all the side ingredients like, hey, could you hand me that salad I just made?
Already made it. I made it perfectly. Don't fuck it. I put the two giant ice cream scoops of guacamole on top, just like I like.
Don't mess it up, man.
This is the taco salad at Wendy's, if I may. The taco salad at Wendy's is has chips and it's got chili. Right, because it's a taco salad. Yeah. There's two things I'd like to address here. One, the chili that chili on top is the same chili that they serve. If you buy chili, the chili at Wendy's is chock full of big chunks of ground beef that are just cut up hamburgers. Yes. So when you get a taco salad, you're eating twice repurposed beef, which I don't love.
The thing I do love, though, is the bag of chips that Wendy's gives you says it's crunch time on it.
And what I like about that is they're they're branding the chips that I have had. No, you cannot order these chips. You do not need to sell me on the chips I'm going to enjoy. They might as well just say chips in crayon.
Chip, put a question mark. You're still going to fucking eat them. You're going to eat them because these are the chips. But no, it says it's crunch time. You get even more excited.
It's a fucking poison on them. And you would still open them and be like, oh, no, these are the chips that go with the salad that I put on there.
I'm not examining the packaging. I'm not looking for a breast consumed by date.
You can't take that back to the register and be like, give me different chips. I want a refund for these boys and chips.
No, they're not poisoned. It's just to scare away the fair-weather fans of our chips. Yeah, these are for the real windows.
We've I mean, we've had jobs in food service before, I think not counting the concession stand at the movie theater that I believe we all worked at, or maybe just me and Travis, because I did definitely hunt that. I did want that particular theater after I quit there.
But like the TCBY, why were I cut my teeth? I didn't fucking darken the doorstep of that particular that we can talk a big game here, but it does feel, I don't know, wrong to me.
You know, I never went back. Let me have you ever go back to the just the Olive Garden?
Did you ever return to it? Extra-Curricular Oh, constantly. Of course.
It is the only energy in town that's. Yeah, I guess so. I never went back.
I never went back to the gym at the Johns that I worked out. Oh I never went back to the hotel breakfast restaurant that I worked at. But I think aside from the Shakespeare Company, I have not returned to any job I have ever worked at.
Yeah, I hardly ever leave them on what one might call warm regards.
I don't have I mean, I don't have a lot of options here, so I kind of have to I can't burn any bridges.
Like if I burn a bridge with the Chappellet in town, I just I just don't ever get to completely.
Yes. No longer get burritos.
I take that back. I did return to the Best Buy. I had worked that after I quit. And even though it was six months later, many of the people I encountered. We are surprised to learn I didn't work there anymore, so, like just maybe just take that in if you're worried about going back. Chances are none of them care.
So that's something I call Best Buy, not best friends.
That's true, Griffin, but fucking I bled blue for that place, you know. I did. Yeah.
He was always like five, seven, three on top.
He was always like repping the. This is a fun thing because Huntington's is not that big of a place. There's an overlap of jobs just and Griffin and I have worked at different times. It's a Venn diagram, but I think we have six degrees of separation connected every business.
And I don't think I've had the same except for cowpuncher. The WCR mascot, a job we worked very illegally at very young ages.
And well, in fairness, we weren't paid in money, but rather in company trades.
Yes, we were playing corporate. Yeah, radio script. I traded it in on a friggin couch for my parents who gave me one hundred dollars.
Hey, listen, this has been so fun and I'm loving it. But let's take a quick break and go the money in.
Hi. Oh, no, don't, Trav, what's wrong? It is I like I'm not actually, so you have to help me.
I'm in the bathroom.
I'm going, Grif, I don't love you, but but I don't want to have to do it. See, Griffin, this is what I'm talking about. I came to this planet to get what you humans call love. Yeah, perhaps it is because. Bad breath.
Let's start. Look, can we do something else? Hey, Griffin. Yeah. Gumm, what is it? Nobody's really sure. Quip, it's the Good Habits company, you've heard us say that a thousand times. What does that mean? Flossing? Yes, brushing. Yes. Well, what about the rest of the time? Right. We all like to eat some candy, maybe even chewing gum. Are those good habits? Well, they can be now because gum from quip, it's new, it's there and it's good for your oral health.
It comes in a really cool dispenser that'll make you look like some kind of, I would say, cool like spy with a cool spy gadget doing here it doing here the dispenser.
Like in that cool world, it does actually warn you on the directions to not do it into your mouth because the gum does come out with ice. I will say this quip, a not inconsiderable amount of velocity.
So more strengthening needed to put on there.
Yeah. So just do that into your hand and then eat the gum.
No, I, I think it's the exact right amount of stink. OK, and clip gum can help prevent cavities and fresh breath when chewed for 20 minutes after eating it sugar free and has tooth friendly xylitol with zero calories. Now let's be clear. It's not a substitute for measuring fasting, but it is a great support for your oral health. And you can go ahead and pair that with your electric toothbrush and refillable floss. And if you go to get clipped dotcom, my brother, right now, you can get a free plastic dispenser with any refill plan that's a free dispenser and get clipped.
My brother spell, get QIP Dotcom, my brother clip the Good Habits Company. It says in here, we have to say it's not a substitute for brushing and flossing folks, if somebody made a gum that was a substitute for brushing and flossing, I don't think they need to run ads.
I think you probably hear about all over the place you go to CBS and they'd be like, oh, looks like you only have covid vaccine or toothbrush gum.
You go to program. Now, listen, it still gets nice clean. I like to pop one in there after after lunch, you know, and I like to brush my teeth.
Then after I drink my coffee, some gum to some gum. That's OK. Because you don't have to keep Shillong gum. You know, I've been.
The seasons are changing.
Mm hmm. Yeah, right. Godhra like right in the middle of it. It's the least applicable that could possibly be. But things are cold here. And I realized that I don't have a lot of cold weather clothes. Right.
Yeah, but twist, I don't go outside so I've got all of these cold weather clothes and they're all ill fitting and also like I don't want to wear them, OK?
And so I need to stock up on all kinds of different looks. And there's only one place I return to for that, and that is stitch fix. It's not like online shopping.
That's that's such a stretch for you. You get close. You don't know what size they're going to be. You don't know any of that. Pacifics does all the hard work and just makes it fun.
You talk to one of their stylists about your your style, your budget, what the size of your different body segments are, and they're going to mail you some clothes to try on.
You keep the stuff you like, you send back the rest stitch.
Fix has free shipping, easy return to exchanges, and a prepaid envelope is included and there's no subscription required.
I have my clothes.
I own a probably are around that came from Stitch Fix and the other half are Jimmy Buffett T-shirts.
So I we really believe in this company and we love the fashion that they're able to extend to us and anybody who's willing to to join up.
So you can get started today at Citrix dot com slash my brother and you'll get twenty five percent off when you keep everything in your fix that stitch fix dot com slash my brother for twenty five percent off would keep everything in your fix. Stitch fix dot com slash my brother.
I'm going first, it's me, Jackie, man. She's always this bossy. I'm Laurie Kilmartin, where a bunch of stand up comics and we've been doing comedy like 60 years total us. But we look amazing by working out. We drop every Monday on Max Fun, and it's called the Jackie Laurie Show. And you could listen to it and learn about comedy, but anger management at all with it. And Jackie is married but childless and I'm unmarried, but child full.
So together think one company woman is what's going on. Yeah, yeah. And we try to make people laugh just like that and say, oh my God, every day it's a good job. Jackie and show Monday only on maximum fun. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, anybody off today, OK, I'm done with that of a bum. All right, a little. A little, a little lemon dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun.
Do you mean here I am monch me like a squatter came by Rababah.
Hello, welcome to the podcast. The podcast focusing on the Amazing Grace in brand eating. And this is a sub series of this podcast called Letters from the Poultry Front. Hey, can I give you a quick note?
Yeah, please. Munch me is not something I ever want to hear you say again.
If it's too late, it's in your hippocampus. It's got to live there.
Rent free is the tick tock.
Kids say, oh, damn it, guys, this is this is intense out there. And I don't know if you've seen some of the bodies lining the streets, but the war is bloodier and more brutal. Why is it ever and it is not showing any signs of slowing.
Hey, what the fuck are you talking about? I am going to read today, not in their entirety, but I'm going to give you a sampling of five press releases all released within a no bullshit two week window. Understand? Yeah, OK, let's check in on Checkers and Rally's, we'll start there, OK? OK, they're talking about how they're going to speed up turnaround.
You go into checkers and rallies and you're going to get out quicker, which is good because the ambiance isn't what you go to checkers and rally's for.
You go so you can get your wings and your best fries in the fast food biz and you move on with your life. And this press release from January 14th proudly announces that they have and this is the the wording that they use. They've launched a new chicken. Sandwich platform, the mother crunchier chicken sandwich platform, it's not a literal platform, it's just a place to bounce ideas off of.
But it's the mother crunchier and they think that you're going to love it. Let's go over to Boston Market where they are.
You know, the thing you just said thing. And you need to explain what a platform is, the platform to bounce your ideas of what the fuck are you talking about? I don't know.
This is in the press release. What am I, an interpreter? Just telling you what it says. OK, Ray, McDonald's.
Let's I'm actually going to go to McDonald's. OK, McDonald's, January 4th. The chicken sandwich wars aren't slowing down. Who they're going to roll out new chicken sandwiches in February. We've heard our customers loud and clear. We know they're craving more chicken options. We're confident all chicken fans from traditionalists to spice, that is a fucking hell of closet, will discover a new menu favorite.
They'll come back for time and time again. And this is all in service. They want to be the best in the biz in the chicken wars. And there they got three new sandwiches to prove it, and Erlanger, who is the president of McDonald's US, of course, says developing a reputation for great chicken represents one of our highest aspirations.
We want customers to choose McDonald's for chicken because of the unique craving, a flavor that they can only get under the arches to get started.
We listen to consumers to understand our current barriers and potential. The only barrier there to be is people don't want your chicken. So they're trying it. They're trying something different.
Over at KFC, they've launched the this is from January 7th. KFC has launched the best chicken sandwich ever. So fuck you, they weren't going to sit out the latest round of the quick service chicken sandwich wars. What the chain introduced its best chicken sandwich ever Thursday in select markets, it's simply labeled the KFC Chicken Sandwich Bowl.
It's got a buttery brioche bun topped with crispier, thicker pickles and the perfect amount of the kernels. Real mayo and no chicken.
No, sorry. I want to just isolate one for everybody. The kernels, real mayo.
I did see a commercial with one of these sandwiches in it. And fellas, they are not kidding about the size of these pickles. It's it's obscene. The size of the depth of these pickles is obscene.
Fuck, I want a jack sandwich. OK, go on, Zippy's is offering, General. OK, ok. OK, so now you have me. Now you have Zack.
Space Saxum is doing General Tso's chicken wings for a limited time.
Not much, but even that, I think is when it's like we're all doing sandwiches, pizzas, like we're over here fucking partying. Zach's business got Texas toast and napkins.
You can make a fucking generals' sandwich. You wanted their nasty, Zachary says an alternative to fast food. All right.
But this actually serves fresh, prepared at order hand breaded chicken fingers with lzzy and wings toss a variety of sources.
Zachs was recently introduced a new signature sandwich in test markets with a choice of Zachs sauce or new spicy Zak's sauce. The company has plans for a nationwide rollout because the chicken sandwich war ain't over yet.
Probably I have one more Boston market. The January 19th. OK, Boston Market boldly launches Nashville hot crispy chicken sandwich declaring the chicken sandwich wars are over, which was recently declared.
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. You can't just declare that you have to kill everyone else.
This is I think this is what they are claiming they have done, which is just reassured us on this exact same day. Chicken hawks are not over Boston work. Yeah, they are. They are actually there.
No they're not over. A Boston market says they actually are.
We've entered the fray with our own take the Nashville hot crispy chicken sandwich. It's the first crispy chicken sandwich, the company's thirty year history.
And it's been available for a limited time, which if you're telling me this is the sandwich to bring peace to the galaxy, you should probably keep it on the menu for a while. This is the limit. The number of mothers and sons being separated by the Grim Reaper alongside launch Boston Market will introduce new crispy chicken BLT sandwich, a crispy chicken and white gravy.
That's it. Here's here's what's up. Here's why I appreciate McDonald's. They done took the damn grilled chicken sandwich off the menu.
They said if we're going to if we're going to get if we're going to join voluntarily this chicken sandwich war, we're going to put all of our fucking resources behind it.
The grilled chicken sandwich is a distraction. Everybody else is like, yeah, we also are kicking ass with our crispy chicken sandwich. But also check out this one. This one's got a zesty Italian flavors like, no, that's not the war, though.
Can I tell you guys what's really fucked me up right now? What's that? What is that? We've heard from these five companies and it's like there's been so much carnage already in the chicken wars. Yeah, but we haven't heard from fucking Popeye's yet.
And Popeye's launched.
They launched the first shot. It was opening Salvo.
But this is what I'm saying is like they launched it. And if anyone is going to finish it, I have this feeling it Pompeii's might actually factually kill KFC and or I mean, Boston Market seems like they'd be the first to go right again, Aspies. Zach's mom, it's going to make it pretty far, I think, I don't know. Yeah, you think I could see them being like the like we have these, like, you know, swamp fighter techniques where it's just like, you know, like how we won the Revolutionary War.
When I see Boston Market is out there, like all we're fighting the chicken wars in like perfect formation formation. Yeah. And it's actually like we dropped down from tree ghillie suit in Boston.
Market is not fucking around because I want to bring you my new favorite CEO in the biz.
Well, OK. Last week we learned about a sincere potato king. So let's be careful about the OK, let's check it out.
Actually, not CEO. He's President. Randy Miller, it's me, Randy Miller, the president of Boston Market.
If you leave the market off, it's it's a man announcing I'm Randy Miller, the president of Boston. Deal with it. Twenty twenty is behind us and so are the chicken sandwich boards. We've been bringing the heat in our rotisserie ovens for more than 30 years. And our new Nashville hot crispy chicken sandwich proves there's only room for one chicken expert in this country, really. But Boston Market will always be king. He's God. With this new menu, we wanted to introduce Music City's legendary hot sauce flavor to all our guests across the country.
I brief if I may interrupt, Randy, you may not to please. It's my show. I just want to say it's wild that if you want to bring another city's flavor, you should probably not name your restaurant. After a city, people are starting to wonder what your acquaintance is like.
There's no better way to do that than alongside our legendary rotisserie chicken and a crispy chicken sandwich that will quickly become the best thing our guests and probably our competitors will have ever tasted.
Our Nashville hot crispy chicken sandwich is no doubt the best sandwich out there today. There you have it. And we challenge everyone to put it to the taste. Oh, a taste test.
Oh, OK. You've got canfell, you have Sankranti, you have your doing.
So get ready, everyone. Put it to the taste, taste, taste test.
You you got to taste taste it to waste it up to you know when it is taste taste.
I just hey I'm here for my taste.
Taste of the best music city sandwich on earth.
Seems like we might need to scrap whatever we are planning for next week's episode.
And just like get and get some chicken, I just want everybody to realign their focus, like why we're doing this in the first place. And that is because it is unethical to eat chick fillet, but nobody's really doing their weird wet flat pickle mess that I, I, I haven't eaten in many years now just from a principal standpoint, but hey, I've tried some of the other ones.
I remember there was one week for a second where we all maybe got tricked for just a second and think you should turn a corner and then like four days later they're like, hi, what's his name.
Yeah, it just may listen, I didn't eat during that period is what I'm saying. What I'm saying is I was like, oh man. This weekend I might hope. I mean, that was hope. We missed the weird wet pickle mess, but like is a principal thing. But nobody's really going for that weird wet pickle mess aesthetic. And it would be a great if they could all get together.
That's an insane team. It's just. Yeah, that's I will continue to bring everyone updates from the front, please. I if I can just mention one more thing. Yeah.
This is the last one before and I just want the tropical smoothie sees increased demand in Cajun shrimp menu offerings.
OK, I just want to this is the name of the press release and then you're reading through. Hmm. Sounds all very reasonable. And then the first line of his story is many of its largest competitors continue to fight the long range chicken sandwich war.
And then the end of it is a quote that says, we provide a fresher, flavorful alternative and it's outperforming any new food item in our history. Maybe twenty, twenty one will mark the end of the chicken sandwich.
Here's what this is from January 19th. Also, guys, I don't know what's fucking happening, but three different places, say, on this exact same date. OK, Zach Zak's misses, like the chicken sandwich wars are really continuing this.
It's not over yet. And then Boston Market said they actually are over. And Tropicals said, I don't know, maybe they are. Maybe they aren't. What these are not the same company. They're different companies. How the fuck did everybody just decide like the war is on? We're calling it a war. Yes, it's a war. We're all doing a chicken. Say to her right now, and it's not over, do we all agree that it's over?
Is there maybe some kind of like, shadowy organization that is like actually all of these chicken places are owned by the exact same company? Yeah. And like, we drum up the war just to like I don't know. I don't know. Big Tyson's wheat drum up the war to get more Asmar people to do taste test and compare the sandwiches.
Mm hmm. Hey, I have a Yahoo here that was sent by Graham Robock. Thanks, Graham. It's Yahoo! Answers user. They're anonymous. Their name is going to be for this one. Their name is going to be Trey.
Trey asks. Family safe scrabble game modifications. Mm hmm. My nana won't play the game Scrabble with us anymore because she doesn't want to feel pressured to use an unpleasant or dirty word out of desperation, lack of other options just to keep the game moving along.
I understand her concerns completely. Is there a way to modify Scrabble to make it safe for her to play so she doesn't have to spell a word she doesn't want to? I was thinking of either removing the F v BTC and details or adding in a lot of the other letters from other sets of the game. Does anyone have any other suggestions updated two weeks ago? We don't allow dirty words, but if it is the only option left, Nana feels like she is forced to and it upsets her.
Updated six hours ago, the TLOU the tile swap rule is akin to gambling. So we refuse to use that rule to have.
We have. I was jokingly going to suggest removing the F tiles, and they just done went ahead and said, hey, I'll see your joke and raise you a scary suggestion, OK, but here's the thing.
F you remove that or you get rid of the fucking fart, the f bomb targets.
If we could stop if we could try and be very careful not to just George Carlin hit up on this segment because I want us to be sort of clinical about this.
If you take out the the you, I feel like that's going to cover a lot more cuss words per.
What about the K? No, the C. The season, a lot of them season is still a lot of work because you've got the B word, the F word, I mean the C word, the word being. But no Griffin, the five letter B word. Oh, yeah, that one. You've got the D word in there. I feel like C covers a lot. C would cover a lot to actually get C.
So we've covered the figured out that C is the nasty letter.
Now bad news that does also remove cat so that that's a problem right there. You can't use cat.
You know what the fucking problem is, is that because it's Scrabble you would have to get the blank tiles out to cause some fucking naughty boy could use those tiles and like put down blank, blank, blank check and people like, what is that? And you'd be like. It grandma, it's fuck that right there you're looking at grandma, despite appearances, is a fuck or even worse, grandma is the one that grandma is the one that plays that because it's the only legal move she has.
And then she just burst into tears that this I want to question we don't allow dirty words, but if they're the only option, Grandma feels like she I would argue they're not an option if it's against the rules.
I mean, that's all these games are like it's just not an option.
Is it possible that secretly grandma is dying to play them dirty words and she knows that you all are very controlling and you'll judge her.
And so that's what she's got like, oh, I'm so uncomfortable. Oh, my God, I can't believe this is the only option, but OK. But I'm just going to go ahead and put it down. Fuck.
But for you, you've just played nine letters all at once to make three different words. Yes. No, I know. I feel like. Well, where did you get there to answer. What is it? I just found them under my leg.
I can't believe I sound they're a really great house rule for your game. Should be that your grandma can play cusswords, but whenever she does, nobody is allowed to say them or acknowledge that they are a dirty word. So grandma just spells out fuck on the board and everybody just kind of looks at it and then looks at each other and then quietly writes down however many points. It's worst.
And the worst part, fuck, is not worth a lot of letters. I mean, a lot of points really.
When you think about it, there's not any big now if you can spell it, if you q you e now how I do in Montreal, it's oh.
The French Canadian player there, it sounds like maybe just a you need Scrabble but with numbers. But then even then you can do six.
Oh what about graph paper and pens and use write down whatever letters you want but then oh what if the letters accidentally line up and you're doing it like well shit.
You can also have like a nasty Cusin and then she comes in the nasty cousin and the nasty cousins like what's up Grandma?
And she just like gestures down to her tiles.
And the cousins, like I say, no more. I understand what needs to be done and I have the will to do it.
A pinch cussler, if you will. A pinch cutter. Yeah. What if it was just hey, this no joke sounds pretty restrictive household.
What about just one day a month. It's like the fucking purge when it comes to cussing. Yeah. And it's just like that day. That's when we get out the nasty scrabble set that's all. Only fuck. Yeah.
But then everybody so wild for us like grandma you just, you just played, you know, use your imagination just like cough does the sake of grandma.
What the fuck does I mean you real bastard bastard.
But just as Bastar like the award. Is that what you were doing, like the British Animation and Film Award. I don't think that's what BAFTA stands for. I don't think it is either.
But no British and film, television, British film, television, it's an award for both film, television and being British. Maybe you're like, oh man, you did some good British thing this year.
Here you go. Oh, and also extremely British. I enjoyed you on the television show breaking and film and television. The big fat of the the big fat as well.
You think that's a win? Yes. Let's put a lid on it. That's a lid.
Thanks so much for joining us on this episode.
We hope you had fun. We hope you're hanging in there and doing well. We care about you a great deal. The chicken wars are tough out there.
I want to check right now. I'm going to say I'll make a ruling on this that they're not over. No. So please let me know how. Try as many as you can and just let me know how they're listed.
This is a big week for us. Many, many months in the making. This week, our How to podcast book. Everybody has a podcast except you years in the magazine.
Yeah, that's fair. It is the culmination of all of our knowledge on podcasting up to this point.
That book comes out this week, comes out January twenty sixth and then on January twenty six and nine p.m., we're going to have a free virtual event to celebrate the launch of everybody as a podcast except you, we've partnered with six independent bookstores. If you preorder from them, you'll get an exclusively designed booklet signed by one of the three of us with your copy. As for as long as supplies last. And you can go to bitwise Macquarie podcasts, book event for bookstore links and more of an info.
We're really, really proud of this book. I really think you're going to like it. There's an audio book version of it, too, that we did that we narrated. If you have anyone in your life that is thinking about starting a podcast or is just like a fan of podcasts, I really think they'd like this book. So one more time. Bitwise MacWhite podcast book. Event, we've also got some new merch to check out over Macaron, Match.com, we got that service part of the month benefiting the NARAL design by Zach Sterling.
The NARAL fights for access to abortion, care, birth control, paid parental leave and protections for pregnancy discrimination. We've also got that Knights Templar to stickered designed by Tyler Reed over there and a whole lot more. And one last thing, The Adventures in Crystal Kingdom, the next book in our graphic novel series is available for preorder. Now, that's over at the Adventure Zone.
Comic Dotcom, thanks to maximum fun for having us on the network. Go to maximum fun Dadda. Check out all the great shows air.
They have shows like, you know, Stop Podcasting Yourself is on there. Great. They got click on there and a whole bunch more at maximum. Phog, you can check out the other stuff we do at McElroy Dot Family. I think that's it. You want the final. Yes, absolutely. This final Yahoo!
Was sent in by the wizard. Ben can't thank you, Ben. It's Yahoo! Answers user Natya who asks.
Are you still considered a Frankenstein if all the body parts came from the same body?
Oh, shit, shit. What is. I don't. Oh, man. Griffin McElroy.
Oh, man, this is my brother, my brother may kiss your dad square on the lips, my being. OK, that was the show. You had some fun talking for an hour, and now our job is done. Go back to the world first day ahead. Please don't tell our grandparents all the cuss words we said. Maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported.