Here comes. All right, we've got jokes and we're going to give advice. Laughter It is a common inside and say it's time to start. It's my. I answer once it responded, flowers to plant genitalia, secret exposed, secret secret revealed farmers probably know some shit, though.
They probably know some fucking earth wisdom. They're probably well, not these days. These days, farmers just flip the switch on the machine that yanks them milk the cows.
Do you think do you think that farmers still know how high the sycamore grows? I don't think no. No, I think the only reason is the grinning bobcat grin. They don't care about why the grants. They just want to shower him and, you know, with all the colors of the mountain.
Listen, Douglas, I think your farm is great.
I do think that if you did have that giant sycamore in the middle of it, just to see how tall will grow, I cut it down.
I'll never know. You won't live to see it. No one will. My children's children will.
Their children's children are going to turn it in a magazine. And that Bobcat sure seems to like it, though, that Bobcat seems pleased as punch. How does he do that? I don't know. He's just that way. That's just how he is. Call him Henry.
Everything is shale colored. Yeah, dogs, mountain colors, idiot. Anyway, the color. That's what I do.
Apparently sunflowers fucking rotate to follow the sun across the sky. Yeah, it's called Helio Tropism didn't know that. I just learned about Heliotrope ism from Yahoo! Answers. Is it real?
I don't want you to learn from your girlfriend. You just hear that this is the singularity.
Everybody, I don't want to learn anything from Yahoo!
Answers either, but if it happens and I'm willing to accept it because I love knowledge and I love drinking it up and apparently Heliotrope Bismuth is the thing apparently waggled and is telling me all about Waggled Dance's. Now I'm going down a fucking rabbit hole right now.
Griffin, to knowledge is like a sunflower to the sun. I will head towards his genitalium. I tilt my plans and it's one of the Yahoo answers, responded Karatz. Indeed, revealed.
I bet you guys, you know, I bet you also know some shit, but mostly farmers know some shit about Earth and the way things work that they're not telling us about good dirt and bad.
I bet that's something they been a lot of.
But it's funny is they know a lot about farming, but they've never seen, like, a tall building a car. Yeah, right. They would be horrified. It would be very scary. But I bet they know all about what happened in Benghazi. Mm hmm.
I bet they know the truth about Benghazi.
If you want to fucking shut that out, put a farmers on the state's two things farmers know about, like agricultural shit and foreign affairs and Benghazi specifically.
There's I've been trying to get into gardening Sydney and I've been trying to play some stuff.
And speaking of secrets that farmers know, one of those secrets that I don't know that I'm betting farmers do is basically not knowing what plants will emerge from the ground and which I will have to retrieve from there.
I literally had to ask Sydney about basically every plant like, well, the well, the pepper be in the ground or will it be above the ground? And I bet that's a secret that farmers have unlocked pretty much.
Yeah, I bet that that's pretty important to just their general survival and their fiscal stability is just knowing sort of like where the carrots are at any given time.
Never remember. Oh, shit, I did it wrong again. I dug up. Is it is it a carrot tree? Fuck, I can't remember. I did it bad. I'm the worst farmer. I don't know any of the secrets of Mother Earth. Beautiful womb dichromate. My children and I should've never cut down. That's one of my neighbor farmers told me that if you feed a cow Roc's then he'll, he'll poop out whole watermelons that you can sell at the country fair.
But they just killed them. They died. They're tricky farmers. That's the Sieger about farm wisdom is you. They're either telling you something that will enrich your life like Heliotrope ism and dance's, or they'll give you a little riddle.
They'll play a trick, they'll play a trick on you. They're like bridge trolls. They're actually descended from broad strokes. They are all farmers are descended from British trolls.
They only speak in riddles. Yeah. There's another secret for you. You know that that poem God made a farmer. Mm hmm. It's not true. God got a bridge strong and then they just sort of naturally fell into another valley beside his teaching and they left the bridges.
And so they were cast out of Eden. That's Genesis one one baby. Read a book, read a book, specifically one Bible, specifically our new version of the Bible.
The Brothers Grimm presents the Bible.
Is it appropriate to leave a small party, six people when someone puts on Gangnam Style and that's when of start dancing. That's from Unshorn, Oklahoma.
This is the shittiest. Oops, you're in the shittiest party. I would actually argue that six people does not constitute a small party. Well, it's not a party until Gangnam Style comes out and then. Oh, it is.
It is. It is a small party in the Dungeons and Dragons sense. But not but not in the typical social. Here's here's the verbiage in this question that really throws me off is that if you had asked is it appropriate to leave a small party when someone puts on Gangnam Style and everyone starts dancing?
Yeah, if you leave that if you leave that, then you're a stick in the mud.
But if you when someone puts on goggles out and asks for attention, please attention, please rise to our feet.
I'm going to teach everyone the dance. I learned it from YouTube. Make it up.
Move your legs from side to side as if you are straddling an invisible pony dance. You beautiful bastards.
This we are golden gods.
They're the fun thing about this question is this person is ah, I live this scenario and one of two things happen. Either they, they feel bad because someone said everyone start dancing to Gangnam Style and they said, I'm leaving. And then they walked in the door. I never looked back or they did do it and they dance and they're wondering, was there another there?
Is there an escape now? I think it was the former. And I think the next day the host of the party, this this psychopath who dictates when the dancing occurs, she came up to them, is like, hey, what the fuck, man? Like, we were having a great time last night. That was inappropriate. Dave, you left and then there were only five people. And that definitely doesn't count as a party anymore. You ruined my birthday.
Oh. What if the host of the party was sorry? That is egomaniacal. He put on his No. Song slide, please.
It's all I have I don't think there is an organism on Earth that is more sick of that song than than Dr. Simon, I assume nobody likes his ballads.
You know what I mean? Nobody likes his tender love making stuff.
Everybody people try to get into gentlemen, but they're not feeling people.
Yeah, people. People listen to gentleman out of fucking courtesy, you know what I mean? But the hook. The hook, we owe him this one. Yeah. He's given us so much. And we in turn have also given him quite a bit. But the hook on that one does not bring me back.
It's sort of like it's sort of like how people continued to listen to If It Makes You Happy by Sheryl Crow, because they they really appreciate it all. I want to do so much. And it was like they did all they could do for all I want to do. They bought the single. They bought the album. And then when that next album came out with it makes you happy. I thought, well, you know what, I still ower I am still in debt to her for all the fun that first song brought me.
Yeah, it's exactly like that.
There's so many similarities between saying Sheryl Crow that I feel like a lot of people just like because we see them in the same room together. I have not now. I have not.
Could it be a Phoenix rebirth? You think she'll say Sheryl Crow fucking die?
No, I'm saying that Sheryl Crow met with her advisers and she said, I need a new persona.
And she went to Phoenix online university, took some classes. And Grigoryan, she she took a minor and hammer dancing.
You can see that mash up or all of that went down good when the two of them performed together.
How can I get my dad to be cool? He's a really shy, nerdy guy. He's like 50. So can you really change? My mom walks all over him and it makes me sad to see that my father is not a real man. Yes, he's a responsible man and a kind man, but not a real man. I want to teach him how to be cool and not so uptight. He needs to start hitting the gym, going out to socialize and maybe pick up a fun hobby like pool hustling or joining a motorcycle gang.
Oh, my God, she's too late to fucking switch it and change it. We're talking about it. That's all that.
Right? I can't take those glasses off. Oh, shit. You're stigmatism. I forgot.
Hey, hey, dad. Get off that riding lawn mower Kaveri. Dad, come on. Clean me right up. Oh, my goodness. Hey, Dad of the year. Was that the record movie?
What was the Marantis movie that was? Honey, I shrunk the ticket. No idea what swag. I mean I blew it.
So how can you get your fifty year. Well first of all, you're going to have to have a frank conversation with them. What if your dad, Frank, if your dad's name is Frank, it helps to say, like, listen, you have raised me, you're kind and you're responsible. I know my mom's walks all over you, but I respect what you've done for me and my family. But fuck, you are lame, man.
ZOS you just man, I look at you and it's just you're just a pitiful husk of negative manliness.
The stork has not been kind enough to bless me with a baby from the Cabbage Patch, but I am thirty two. Right. So I would, I can address something for you.
Your dad is one hundred percent aware at every waking moment how uncool he has become. This is not a a wake up one day and you have those socks with, you have argyle socks on. This is a slow descent from relevance that started I like in his late twenties and just kind of go maybe but maybe I wasn't.
I would bet statistically though, at some point he was probably cool.
He's that's the thing. He might be still he might be in full blown dad denial. He might be in denial.
Like he might be like the big smiles is not a river in Egypt. I know. You know, not it's not it's not that bad at all. Like you might be like a big parrothead and that might be like a mainstay from his youth. And he might just think, like, I fucking get it.
The world is the world is moving in the wrong direction. And that direction is away from Jimmy Buffett's relevance. I am still on the fucking cutting.
The bleeding is just going to be a buffet full episode. Maybe it's his birthday. What, like do you know what I mean? Like, there are those dads out there that are like, yeah, man, I saw the Eagles three times last year and fucking shit like that's that's not that is literally only your definition of cool. Even the Eagles don't think that that that that the Eagles know.
The Eagles are like, here's the thing. We need to talk about your Eagles consumption. The Eagles said to the Eagles fan, the other side of this coin is so much more embarrassing.
That if you had a dad who suddenly just rolled up one day in full on like leather outfit and biker gear and like riding a motorcycle, and he was like, hey, kids, let's go check out the concert scene like your kid.
Does anybody here like Drake? And then he fans out some Drake tickets?
Yeah. You're not going to be more proud of him.
I would actually. That would be I would be great if my dad rode his motorcycle from Ironton, Ohio, to Austin, Texas, and then fanned out a fucking fistful of Drake tickets. I don't even I don't know a single Drake song, but I would say yes. And I would hop on the back of that Harley and we would go have to drive in the sunset.
Oh, this will be interesting if the call and response to this one was sent in by IRA.
Ray, are you Ray?
Wow, that's gratifying. As by Yahoo!
Answers user Sammy, who asks, what are some simple mysteries that I can solve?
Be serious, my dad said to start, it's misspelled start, but it's hard to pronounce it small and build my way up to big mysteries like spirits in houses, hauntings, etc..
Uh huh. I need to know some simple cases, please, and thank you. One of the more mannerly Yahoo! Answers we've got. Yeah, I like the. Don't start with Encyclopedia Brown. Those are way hard for me still.
I cracked one up. I cracked one open race living. Oh, I'm thirty two now. They should be and I'm cut to twenty minutes later. Well OK.
The first battle of bull run couldn't have been this because the sword set on that love books didn't make me any better at mysteries though.
I think your parents have to plan the mysteries for you. Right, because I don't know how old this person is. I hope not too old.
You got you've got to get an early start on the mystery game.
It's like being a gymnast, but it can't start young.
What could start as a small mystery could like unfurl to be like gang gangland violence. Traditional drug trade. Yeah, just like just like just like a national national treasure.
He's trying to he's trying to find the competition starts with him, turn the whole thing, starts out with him doing a tricky Sudoku. And by the end of it he's just wrapped up in it. Fucking Jon Voight, shoot him up.
That is that is the problem with if you I mean, if you've ever read anything, any mystery, it always starts what appears to be a simple mystery. I don't think you can definitively say this is going to pan out to be very simple, because what if it's like it's like that sweater, you start pulling that yarn and then it just well, there's a whole case here.
Then you have the mystery of the unravel sweater.
Yeah, your mom is super pissed off that her sweater is fucking gone and she's like, here's a mystery solved. I was simple.
I mean, like some clues. Let me just think back. Yeah. As me when I did that, it's a pretty good clue of my memory when we were when we were little little kids. I don't think when we were smaller.
I don't think Girvan was born yet and not tell the story then because like, oh, this is OK, this is BGM before giving McIlroy and Travis and I had discovered food coloring. So we filled every drink we could get our hands on with food coloring.
And then we decided to see what effect it would have on the carpets.
And and then our mom came down and I just wanted to tell this story because that seems like a pretty easy mystery for her to solve.
Yeah. So if you could set that up for him, just put some food coloring on her mouth and on the couch and then sit there and wait.
And I think that as his parents, you could be pretty easy.
And it was also that was also just like a really good bit for like the family circus fans in the audience, like me, people who don't like all the blue humor we usually do. And just want some, like Dennis the Menace Esq shenanigans. I don't think there's anything wrong with being tasteful.
For a few minutes, I've been pushing to get us to be a little cleaner, and I think that was a great start.
And a lot of I told the story on Twitter today about the jawbreaker in the theater. Yes. In that one, I don't think where we were seeing a play with that.
And he our daddy used to be obsessed with these little birds, egg, jawbreakers, birds, eggs.
Sometimes I call them psychedelic jawbreakers, the white ones with the colorful flecks on them that move that when you eat them enough, those flecks turn into like they become tactile. They become they become like fucking birds.
They become a topographical map of of of the earth.
It's the worst thing to have in your mouth.
I don't know why he is obsessed with them as he was their why our daddy has diabetes now, but he loved them back in the day he had a hole you could get him a cracker barrel was like his exclusive dealer. And I remember he had an empty shed spread country.
Can't contain a man that he kept up out of our reach. Mac, your back, huh?
Wait till you see this new shit I got in. I've got the best prickliest kush.
But anyway, so he was he was enjoying some of his prickly kush, and he he laughed and the jawbreaker popped out of his mouth and rolls down two aisles. And without missing a beat, he says, Oh, my glass eye.
And he covers the socket with his head. And this one, two aisles down, picks it up and he pops it right in his mouth.
He's a dirty creep. Our dad's a dirty, dirty fuck. Just kidding is the best dad of all time. If you say anything like that about my dad, I'll I'll take I'll take your skin.
Take a chance for wisdom for him. Get your fork.
It's not a sport farm was I would like Griffin in the first place out here is the first one. I grew up on a racehorse farm.
Oh the most exciting life. I grew up on a racehorse. Welcome to the show. Pallbearer the late Paul Burrell joined veterinarian care.
When a veterinarian castrates a racehorse, they throw the detached balls up on the roof of the barn for good luck. Pretty gross, Jesse.
Thanks, Jesse. And I fact, check that. That's one hundred percent. That's a hundred percent live south.
Oh, fuck you, there's no horse sperm cell for like one hundred thousand on you castrate a racehorse if it's having behavioral problems, that's and then you you have like tell me, though, promise me that if you are going to do this for behavioral problems, you definitely, definitely bring the horse out of the yard with you.
Come see what. How did this all the while you get for playing in my yard or come watch this, see if it's funny.
My pocket or. Come on. How how did this fucking witchcraft kiss?
I can't imagine there was just a super lazy veterinarian, old timey. You never heard balls on the roof fast in the hoof.
I'm imagining like an 18th century veterinarian.
Like what I fuck what I do with these are slippery.
Maybe in that maybe in the heat of a passionate horse crime, they they cut off a horse's balls unwillingly and then had to dispose of the evidence.
Twinkle, twinkle thou God, his balls. What do we do now?
Fuck you got you got time on the back of your truck so that they hang comically as though the truck's testicles. It's very comical application, I believe.
So I'm going to go back when I'm editing the podcast and find the minute mark where Travis said he was going to start adding to his beverage and then time it out to now and then we'll know, like the porousness of his liver.
What's the other formalism?
Chickens play dead and fart through their mouths. That's the best Smiths album.
I don't care what anybody says is the best.
Hey, everybody, I hope you're enjoying this brose better, brose best. Sorry, it's not a new episode. Justin and Griffin both lost power for a long time. When I'm recording this, Justin still does it have power in his house and is staying in a hotel. Everybody is safe and everybody is warm. It's just been very chaotic for the last week.
So I hope you'll bear with us and understand and now enjoy the money zone.
Online shopping can be daunting. Allison, I'm worried enough doing my grocery shopping online.
I still do it because it's cool and it's a good thing to do.
But it's even scarier buying clothes because I don't know what's going to fit on my body. I know it's going to look good on my body and I barely even know what my own style is.
That's why I love Stitch Fix this season. Let Citrix do all the hard work for you. They are going to find clothing hand selected by expert stylist for your unique size, style and budget. And one of my favorite parts. You can try on pieces at home before you buy. You try them on. You keep your favorites, you send back the rest.
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I've been using Citrix for a while now, so if you see me like Travis's style game has really stepped up, it's all thanks to Citrix.
I wish I could take credit for it, but so much of that is fix. And it's not just like shirts and pants. It's cool shoes. I've gotten cool jackets. There's lots of stuff in there.
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That's b r o ok l i n e n dot com. And enter promo code my brother to get twenty five dollars off when you spend one hundred dollars or more plus free shipping Brooklyn and dotcom and use promo code my brother at checkout real quick. A couple of announcements before you get back to the Brose Bedros best. In case you missed it, last week we had to postpone the adventures on Virtual Live Show because of the inclement weather conditions, but we have rescheduled it.
It's going to happen March 5th. Existing tickets are still good. Tickets are still available for purchase at Live Dot, the macro family. And if you're interested in information on refunds, you can find info for refunds at Bitburg elsewise tax refunds. The show is virtual and interactive. It's going to be March 5th at nine p.m. Eastern Time. Basically, there will come times in the show where you're going to get to vote to decide what the players do.
We're going to be playing Honey Heist with special guest Erika Ishi. Tickets are only ten dollars. And like I said, you can get them at live dot the macro family. Make sure you check out the February Mirch, especially that pain of the month before it's gone. It's Boyka from the My Brother, My Brother, my TV show designed by Zachary Sterling. It benefits no us without you. L-A know us without you is providing food security for undocumented back of house staff and their families in Los Angeles.
Don't forget to check out the taste of luxury stimulus. Wine Glass. The Taste of luxury shirt design by Kevin Budnick and Candlelights. Video on demand is still available. It's pay what you want and all proceeds go to Harmonie House. And hey, while you're thinking about it, go in. Preorder the adventures of Crystal Kingdome. It's available now. The preorder is it's going to come out July 13th. Twenty twenty one. And you can get that preorder at the adventure zone.
Comic Dotcom. Now back to the show. Hey, kid, your dad tell you about the time he broke Steven Dwarf's nose at the Kids Choice Awards in dead pilot society, scripts that were developed by studios and networks but were never produced are given the table reads they deserve. When I was a kid, I had to spend my Christmas break filming a PSA about angel death. So, yeah, being a kid sucks sometimes. Presented by Andrew Reich and Ben Blacher Dead Pilot Society Twice a month on Maximum Fun Dog.
You know the show you like that hobo with a scarf who lives in a magic dumpster. Dr.. And I'm sorry if this is to. Do you smell a person while hugging be true? He adds, Definitely, yes, it gives you a kind of an idea of what kind of a person he or she is.
Does it? I'm trying to think of ever, like, intentionally. Yeah, because that's she's like, oh, I hug someone and, you know, like I'm breathing.
Yeah, that's like I hug someone.
It's like when you scope it out, when you scope out a situation and you see it with your eyes, like the neurons are already in your brain, once you perceive the thing, the neurons are going to go where they want to go. They're going to fire off the synapses that they want to fire off. And then all of a sudden, you know, if that person is attractive or not, when when you hug someone, you have small particles going in your nose that are firing off those.
Your eyes can be to see Griffin right through. But small particles can't lie.
I actually I think that my usual M.O. is to like I'll do a regular inhale as I'm going in from her just breathing. But then if I like sort of I like.
Oh, you'll go in for seconds. I'll go. You'll take a second. Hey, do you mind if I take a second scoop just real quick, let me just get a second scoop from this one per customer.
Can I have to have. How much for an extra shot.
I feel like an extra extra whipping, though. You definitely do have to comment.
Oh, man, definitely. You just have to say, like, OK, can I hug the other shoulder now? Go to the right like the French do it. I have friends do this hug. This is a serious, serious problem for men of my scientistic who have my particular almost constant set of of maladies relating to my nose zone, which is to say it's it's some kind of it's either hay fever season or mold season or some kind of season constantly here in Austin.
So I'm constantly sniffling. And if I'm hugging someone, I mean, every 10 seconds I have to sniff. And like, if they land in that in that period, like, it is going to seem like I'm like, oh, hey, bring it in. Yeah.
Haven't seen you in a while. Oh, what? No, it's just yeah, if I'm sick. Well, then why not just embrace it, make you smile. Great to see you smile.
Everyone that you brainstorm some day think it's weird or you've been working out a compliment.
It's a great compliment when not said right after sniffing because.
Because when somebody is fit, they put the scent that they produce is way, way, way better when they've just. Oh no.
I meant that they were working out immediately prior to the hurricane. Oh God. I said they smelled like Jim Funk. That's how you guys met my friend Jim Funk.
I want to ask you this is this is related and it's something that's been on my mind for a few days. I was watching something on TV. I don't know. But you see it all the time and to people, are they. Yeah. Television program. A few people were meeting and when they were greeting each other, the guy goes in and kisses the woman's cheek as like a greeting, right? Mm hmm. And you see this happen?
Was it his wife or his mom? No. You see people doing I mean, it happens. People do it. I don't know. I mean, grown ups are always doing this. And I see it on television sometimes in real life. And I don't know how you would even begin to add that layer to your social repertoire.
Yeah, I my so I've tried it like I've I've done a couple of, you know, just preliminary tries of the just just to tell you first got here.
Hey, listen, I got to hear about your dry runs. I don't want to weirded you out, but do you want to experiment with me. I want to try something.
It's like, OK, so you know, that awkward moment when, like, someone goes for a jog and you go for a handshake, it's like that time's like eight because it's just a that seems so conservative.
Griffin, I've done a lot of a number crunching on this is eight because the person that someone's going to fucking head butt you is pretty hard. The person pull back was like that was eight times weirder than when you go for a hug and they go for a handshake.
That was exactly eight hundred percent statistics in college. And I do in fact, know what I'm talking about, about survey size of a thousand. I mean. Well, it clear what now I say a couple thousand. How did you manage that?
How did you what were you were you had you been drinking like I don't know what I can't even imagine.
That's a horrible situation. I did it in laboratory conditions.
Did you do one dude, one lady just to see how it felt? Like I did five hundred dudes and five hundred.
And it was mostly for college credit because I can't afford to pay that many people.
Sure, sure. Your fucking mouth would have been busted after a thousand Smith had a robot.
OK, I didn't do it myself. Right.
Pretend this robot is a love one you haven't seen in a long time. You're acquaintances, but not lovers. OK, now the scene is set.
How many times worse was that entered the smooching chamber? The background is set. Enter the smooch yttrium. Well, you don't want to skew the results, so I had to tell them they were there for us. Something something is going to happen in this room with this strange robot that's going to make you uncomfortable.
Have fun science. Get your college credit on the way out. It's important that they don't know that the robot is part of the experiment, though, or else that's true. And the truth of the experiment bomb was the bomb was dumb.
Get your countersue farm was done.
However, you put your cow in a person, say, oh yeah, I'm a human, I'm a skin, I'm a flesh. So why would they be called? You, me, me, me, I guess I'm a human. Cows are proven to have oh no, you know what Travis Usury found was a necessary thing.
I think cows are proven to have best friends. If they're separated from each other, they get stressed and their milk yields suffer. That's from Victoria. I don't know why, but I find that fucking, like, heartwarming. It's amazing. I actually watched this documentary on Netflix about I think it's called Animal on Couples, and it's about like this dog and this cheetah are best pals. And that interview zookeepers are like, yeah, I don't know what fucking happened.
This dog and cheated to started hanging out together. But you knew they just put him in a cage, like, let's see what will happen. You know, they went through like fourteen dogs and six cheetahs before they found the right mix.
And I cannot imagine how bad of a day you have to have before you decide that you deserve animal. We watched a very bleak marathon of homeland. And I was like, we got to fucking boost these spirits.
Let's watch a monkey on a dog travels the other far west of this. Yeah, I want Griffin to read this.
I going to send in by Laura. Thank you. She says if you want to get rid of a groundhog P in its hole, it will move to a better neighborhood.
How the property values around here have just plummeted ever since Jack peed in our burrow about elements move their feet in here.
Hey, Jack, what are you doing?
I never had a neighbor. Hey, neighbor, I'm just gardening.
Yeah, I just put him on my mortgage payment today. We own the off. Jeff just repainted the kids room.
Pretty damn have at least the smell is going to go are way to spare our fucking Jeff.
You know earlier today I was telling Jeff about our groundhog problem. Oh, God damn it. God damn it, Julia, I told you not to tell Jeff about our groundhogs. I'm always outside already. Sort of.
I try to be like the cats all the way to get anything to move out of the neighborhood.
I guess they're an animal that like its burrow and it's nice, nice.
Probably prairie dogs, fucking nasty ass, nasty rodents.
Let's get some picks up in here. Yeah, now the party's really getting started. We're all freaks. You know, rattlesnakes are dirty. We love it. You guys want know who police this guy who was sent in by Bobby Mitchell. Thank you, Bobby. So, Yahoo! Answers user Monica, who asks. Do these guys want to steal my horse? It's very complicated, but I'm going to try my best of what's happening. I got a healthy I'm sorry, I already fucked up, I got an healthy racehorse, he's four and beautiful and calm as anything, he's a dream horse.
So anyway, there's a group of lads, so they keep on pointing my horse out in the field or in the stable. They asked me if he was mine today. I was on a hack out with him and the guys keep their eyes on him and when they noticed I was watching them, they turned the other way. So when I came back to the stables, they were outside my stable door and said, Oh, he's beautiful, isn't he?
But there's something suspicious about their behaviour, right?
They also want to beat Mitt. I also note Croci.
I also notice when I'm riding in the arena, they watch him in the far distance outside the gate. So any idea of why they seem more attached to my horse? Are they flirting? Other people are also interested in him, but they don't do what they do. So I'm finding their actions very suspicious. What should I do?
She means, are they flirting with her? It's hard to tell. Bye, lads. She may actually mean for other horses like horses are following her horse around going to steal this horse. They'll be like horse taken.
You know, I, I think that any time I think she might be projecting a little bit, she just loves that horse so much that she assumes everyone else would want to get into this dream horse. Get into it like get you know, like get just want to take, you know, they want to get inside, like, sit in the passenger seat. Right, right, right. Get into its whole scenario like like you could, you know, really get into it like that scene in this venture when nature calls me inside the rhino.
God, if we could go I like literally into I mean like like when you go to the car dealership is like, I can get you into a new sedan.
What's it going to take to put you inside this horse? You know, I don't think a horse can have a sidecar, Justin, if that's what you're if that's what you're suggesting does come standard.
I mean, is this a standard or automatic course? I see. Can you even steal a horse like if you can. The worst thing you can do is sit there and go as the beautiful horse.
If you know you know, what kind of oats does he eat in the barn or how how would I steal him? Just hypothetically? The problem with the idea of stealing a horse is because it implies that you can own a horse. And as we all know, that nobody can own a horse. They are white freedom incarnate.
You can feel a dream. You can steal a hope.
You can, which is at best, you can form a partnership, a voluntary partnership with a horse. But at best, there is no title involved in the process.
And and if anything, it's a tenuous agreement.
Can you steal a sunset? Can you take a chance?
How about a Yahoo! Yahoo! Is sent by Andy Hill. Thank you, Andy. It's by John. It's going to get gross. Yes. John asks detailed how to kiss.
Please know some girls like making out with me and some say I use too much teeth.
Help me out here, guys. How should you kiss? It shouldn't use your teeth, teeth is bad. Well, sometimes, you know, if it's if it's getting all of the enunciators, I would say that teeth are the least important in the equation. And lips and tip of the tongue are probably much.
Yeah, I don't think he's worried about hitting as hard consonants while he's mouth mouth. The hell with my plosives, guys.
I actually just got a letter from my lawyer. He says that it would be too actually too weird for me to continue to participate in this particular conversation. Well, I actually just got a letter from my copyright lawyer who said if I give away my secrets, I will be infringing on my patent.
OK, let's but then let's go off the record here. Let me turn the chair around. And that officially means we're off the record and none of us.
OK, just to be clear, any any kissing secrets they give away here cannot be used to not tweet them. Do not quote us in your local periodicals, but we are about to drop some science on you. Girls love it when you just run your teeth into their teeth if they're not allowed to click.
I did that. Not that I did that a lot in high school. And the girls would be like, oh, what the fuck? And I'd be like, what's wrong? Don't you know? That's how it's good. That's what's good. That's good.
Now the girls girls also like it when you swordfight with your tongue, when you really get in there like Greco, Roman, wrestle with that.
If you make a mistake and you seem to set them off right. Set from off, rather, you need to pretend that it's the way they do it in whatever the next level of education for you is.
So if you're in middle school and your teeth click and they say, oh, that U.S.. Well, that's this is this is what they do with the Adult Learning Annex. This is how they do it in my doctorate program.
So I don't know. You just need to maybe get a little more mature.
If you do make a mistake, though, the best way to do it is to just lean in real close to their ear and just go, oh, Cheerios.
Yeah, that's going to really ignite them.
I think it's really going to set the situation ablaze.
The trick the trick is to be thorough, like a just get your get your get your whole mouth in their mouth and just like sort of scatter around like a surgeon fish.
My number one kissing rule is kiss every kiss every tooth one by one. Let me see that way.
Alamar and then and if that starts to get stale just start going around the face you know go for the eyes you know the nose no holds barred.
Use your nose, put your fucking eyelash on their tongue and like just give them some of that for a bit. Put your nose, put your nose in there. Yea, yea, just act like you're a puppy looking for some stray pizza sauce. After tonight, after pizza. After pizza Thursdays don't don't explore their mouth after pizza Thursdays though, you know.
And you know what else girls love women and gentlemen enjoy that before you do anything you ask and I mean constantly. Is it ok if I kiss your eyeball. May I kiss your nose. You kiss them. I'm going to look behind your ear for pizza sauce. Yeah.
Or just if you're doing the mouth to just just give him a kiss. Your mouth can kiss your mouth, can't kiss your mouth again.
I really like it and I keep growing in intensity every time.
Can I kiss your mouth.
How about your mouth please. Can I ask him now.
How are we going to alert our listeners that it is now safe to walk across the room and pick up the headphones that they have surely by now cast cast from the I've got like at least three more minutes, dude, with a notepad going.
Ask before you do any of this is good pizza. First day. OK, this is all good.
Let's see who was sent in by Wayne Swan. Thank you, Wayne. Yahoo! Answers user Sophie who asks. Do horses have any emotions that humans don't have? I am actually doing a horse behavior presentation for an equine class I'm in, but I was wondering of horses had exactly the same emotions that we humans do. Humans is in parentheses as if, like, you didn't fucking know as we humans do.
I went on a website that told me the types of behavior that horses have. Buckle your asses in.
Can I make one quick point before you tell me the behavior, the things the horses have, I want to see if you do get something valuable from this before your presentation. I definitely, definitely can't wait to see this line on the bibliography. I can't wait to see how you cite the information you received from Yahoo! Answers. Acceptance, that's fair. If you're professionally being written right? Well, that's not ideal, but I don't have a farm, so I love that.
Apples of affection. Sure, sure.
This is my favorite anger one and anger to anger one is like a quiet, reserved anger and anger, too, is like an explosion of biting.
Yeah, it's just spurs.
That's the only thing that if they see Spurs, I know I am the one breaking out the dose today. Annoyance.
It doesn't apathy. Yeah, well fine. I accept it too much.
It's I guess another ride. Yeah sure.
Whatever jumps trex dancing beautifully made to like an earthbound dragon. Sure. Why not.
Well if I run out of oats kappen boredom.
Well OK. I can't blame the two of us. That's right. It's like they can't even watch Game of Thrones. Like what. Like they don't get to go towards the window, please. Right.
I got a big day today. They're going to stay at a grass or run in L.A.. I can't wait to see what fate has in store, but I mean, that's OK.
Tame horses. Yes, I can see them falling prey to Bornholm. Wild horses. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Bought boredom for a wild horse. It can't happen.
While horses aren't familiar with this emotion because they can just go jump over a brook they've never jumped over before, I, I have to imagine that for a wild horse, it's mainly about anxiety because they're very fast. And I can see a situation where you're in a conversation deep with another horse friend and then all of a sudden you look at me, you think, hey, Rodrigo, did you have you seen any grass for a while? And then he was like, oh, my God, you're right.
There's no ground there in the middle of a parking lot there in a parking lot. Oh, great. This is going be the news.
Was no one paying attention to who was following who? I'm feeling annoyance right now, which could be upgraded to anger.
One, if something doesn't change, if you keep running your fucking mouth, Rodrigo, it's going to get upgraded to anger, too. And you don't want to see that. So maybe just relax and we'll figure this out.
Compassion. I know it's got a fat writer. It's too bad. Let's see, Lucy. Lucy's got a fat writer. I know. Poor thing.
If you're not being that is main. This is mainly bred to be ridden and you can still work up compassion for anything else, like God bless you. That is that is a beautiful, beautiful reserve of goodwill. They feel bad for the boros.
Sure. Sure they do. For the burrow's. Yeah. No, roll the it's because it's not a thank you.
I don't know what animal you're talking about if you don't know the ah contentment. Very few horses I imagine feel this or definitely feel or appreciates the fact that he has reached the physical fucking apex of possibly any creature on the planet.
He just anxiety. Right. And you got it. And even if you win the Kentucky Derby, it's like, well, am I going to get the Triple Crown? That's what everybody starts asking me under pressure.
Am I going to be able to fucking keep up this perfect body until the Preakness? They're going to shower me and oats after this fucking thing. I'm going to perform my stud duties, right?
Oh, man. Redshirt curiosity. Doubtful based on white.
Why is that doubtful?
Like, what are they curious about? They have everything they need. And I wonder what driving a car is like. All right. If they are charismatic, I refuse.
If they're curious or anything like they're not, they're certainly not acting on it because they seem to be kind of in a rut as a species.
Nobody's ever said curiosity killed the horse because a horse will see a horse. We'll see like a fucking helicopter could land next to a horse in a horse would be like, that's not an apple.
Is that an apple? When you check for come check for stem, I no stem nothing.
Come back when your hay fear.
Sure. Yeah, yeah.
Daily if there's a both if there's a bull snake around the terrified loneliness. Not if I have anything to say about it. Physical suffering. Yes sure.
Yeah they are. They are. Their entire being is suspended in a state of constant suffering.
So yes they're thinking about hasset when horses get the spurs and then they run faster, they're trying to run away from a danger that is that is like physically attached to them.
That's the saddest thing in the world. Which most humans have, but do horses have any emotions that humans don't have or that humans can't relate to? Thanks, Prolacta. Yes. What? Prancing. Prancing is right? Yeah, I've never felt prancing. I don't think that's beyond human. It's beyond you. Yes. Just because of like your physique.
Wouldn't you think, though, that if the horses did have an emotion that we don't have in humankind, then we probably don't have a human word for it?
Right. Right. It's sort of like it's kind of like the the flavor umami, I'm sure. And it's an indescribable thing. It's like if there were any new colors that we didn't know, we would we would know about it, you know.
I mean, you know, I lose stuff like I have a tendency to, like, absentmindedly set stuff down and then just keep going. And it's like I know that I've sat my kids down at some point, but I can't picture where and what I do. And I it's not exactly like a very proud moment, but I'll just loudly announce, like, I'm setting my keys on the dresser and make it active. It's it's pretty dorky, but it works and I don't lose shit anymore.
Do you ever you ever sing a little song Kanzaki Stress. Can you be there with.
I need putting my wallet on the toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom. Got to do it. Got to do it. What if there's pee on the floor. It's ok if it gets on my pants. I'm just wearing these for one day. But who am I. Mr.. Buy a new wallet every week when I get pee on it.
Guy no toilet paper. Well you're my best friend and I love you.
You know, people say Weird Al Yankovic has lost his way or the eighties.
Twenty seven year old sign up for high school again.
I want to see if I can go back to high school, I have a car and bigger muscles now, so I think I'll be more popular this time around. And I've got I've always wanted to be prom king.
So what do I need to go back to high school buzz marketing for 21 Jump Street. I'm getting I'm getting my masters in high school. I'm getting my my postgrad in high school.
What you need is a teaching certificate and then you can go back as a teacher.
I guess that's the only way you can go like that and then beat up all the people who are mean to you.
I guess there's no loophole where you can like I recognize now at the age of twenty six when I'm finished, unless I go back for some some Masters program, which doesn't seem likely like I've done all the school I'm going to do. And it's only now that I realize like man I actually like learning like fuck I wish I'd paid attention to like anything.
Yeah I feel that way too. Now I'm now that I'm older I'm like reading books to teach myself.
I might trying to teach myself like complex subjects that are impossible to teach yourself. And I'm like, man, if only I'd fucking like done anything like any amount of work instead of just like the requisite shit to get by. Mm hmm.
I think college should be something you get to do in installments because that way you really appreciate it. As you get older, you want to learn. I like learning. Now, back then I hated waking up more.
I think that after like when you complete your sophomore year, someone that you've got to like, are you appreciating this thing like I'm not I'm probably not like, OK, great, cool, cool.
And just go off for a while and when you do appreciate this will welcome you with that.
But you can't put that like that. If there's a definition of what adulthood is, it's realizing that you didn't appreciate stuff enough. Yeah, that's that.
Because if you could figure out how to turn back time and do that easy stuff again, because like, let's be honest, going to college for all its ups and downs is a lot easier than having a job.
Yeah. So what if what if we start giving jobs to 12 year olds and then you work from 12 to twenty one and then you get to go back to school.
Why do you care about the only jobs that we give them? Our college professors here, we don't do this.
Don't go to a high school like you are as you are now is a man you won't you won't be allowed and they won't let you in like you are now. You're old and they'll know they'll know that you that you don't want to do great things there. So I wouldn't even try. It probably seems like a good idea in the brain, but I'm pretty sure hindsight's can be twenty twenty on this particular thing that you want to do.
That's terrible, especially when you're on twenty twenty. And what were you thinking?
You know, in hindsight, this grown man tried to wear a Justin Bieber t shirt and go to school. What would you do. Well fuckin what if you went four years a major senior prom and he was in the running and then like two days before, like, I don't know, some, some kid lost his legs, that it was also in the running, lost his legs in some sort of industrial accident. And this guy's like, fuck, like I spent four years for this day and it's no one was there.
And it's like kids going to fucking swoop in at the last second. It probably won't be like some sort of legless Tarzan son of a bitch on the plus side.
Got to do it again. I do it again and start all over in a different time. On the plus side, I'm sick at times tables and my cursive is off the charts.
It's fucking insane. How can I legally change my dog's name? His name is Larry. I want to change it to Larry's Fiesta Party on the house.
I'm going to open up a food truck inside my dog or additional details or hot dog party days. It's a really good favorite dog.
Why do people keep stick with one word name for dogs or this person doesn't say is that this is the dog's request.
Hey, Larry feels so unsophisticated, so unironic.
I don't know what channels you need to go through, but this is why we don't teach English, because they ask for stupid things like this.
Here's what this is why I brought this question up, because it brings up a good point. I'm learning all about sort of the life of dogs. We already discussed my revelation about dog periods like dogs go through a lot of the same shit that we go through.
But at the same time, if I take my dog named Larry right previously, his previous given name's Larry and I have decided to change it to Larry's Fiesta Party on the House, the night formerly known as Larry. Right. And I take I take it to the vet and they're like Larry. And I say, no, it's Larry's first party on the House, they're not going to be like says here on his documentation, it's Larry, right? Or do I need to go to the fucking courthouse, get a new Social Security card for my goddamn dog?
I thought I was just like my property. Like, if I call my table Jerry, then I can change it to Jerry's face to party on the house, my tape. I might throw this out.
There actually is a circumstance in which you would have to go through some channels to change your dog's name. What the fuck?
If it is AKC registered, if it is registered with the American Kennel Club as a purebred dog, then the competition dog.
Is that what you say to our dog?
Nessy Nessy was registered with the AKC as Nassib Elmaghraby. We would have had to contact them to change your name.
This makes me angry. I think back to the pioneer days. Horses didn't have no documentation, you know what I mean?
What about when the dogs go to heaven?
Don't you want S.P. to have? What if he doesn't have them? Then they go to hell. I don't have a lawyer. If I don't have Larry sit here tonight, break down.
Actually, Larry's Fiesta Party on the House is on the house is a parenthetical. I mean, you could just do it. I mean, Fiesta Party is obviously problematic.
I'm really just saying, Larry party. This is my dog, Lawrence Party party.
Larry's Fiesta Party casual get together. The dog, the movie.
See that movie Christ it asks or hot dog party days.
I think, ladies, I think we're pretty.
I have my credit cards, the first names already taken with me. We actually already have Larry Smith Barney. We have a champion basset hound named Malarious Fiesta Party on the house.
Fucking the fucking commentators at the Kennel Club Show, the annual Kennel Club Show. Ladies and gentlemen, I know this is going to get confusing, but here comes the second Larrys, another purebred basset hound we have. It's a battle of the Larrys Fiesta Party.
We knew it somehow. We all knew it would come down to this. A hush falls over the crowd.
It all comes down to the heat of the generals. They they went out of the gate at the same time. It is perfect.
We may have a multiverse situation. We may have a multiverse.
Bleed is made eye contact from across the room. Travis, you know about dogs and shit is perfect defecation. A category in the Westminster Kennel Club only as a tie breaker.
I've been researching extensively to try to find some information about making swords.
And I found this page from Animal Fire dot com and they have soared myths slash fiction.
So let me hit you guys with some sort of myths. Yeah.
What have I been getting wrong about swords this whole time? Is an actual slash fiction is really appropriate with swords, swords, myths and sort of fiction.
The Buster Sword from Final Fantasy seven and a samurai sword. They met one day. He said, You looking really good, boss, your sword. And then they clanked, they claim and play.
I'm going to climb. I'm going to climb all over your sheet.
Blood does not make a superior clinch it. This is an old myth. I'm neither virgins or slaves have been used to test swords. That is a children's story.
Why do children get around, get around. Help me test the blades.
How many are fucked? None of y'all. Let me tell you. You'd be good sword fighter.
You cannot chop a machine gun barrel into with a Japanese sword. Moderna.
No, I saw that on Myth Busters busted ancient steals.
We're not superior to modern alloys deals. Yeah, no modern myth. It's because our skills are like genetically superior in every way. They've been modified and enhanced and chopped and screwed.
Here's where things go weirdly askew. Atlantis was not in the Atlantic. The story of Atlantis was based on rumors of the demise of Minoan Island culture in the Mediterranean by volcanic eruption. The story was handed down by Egyptians to Plato, who turned the little truth into a myth.
Well, fire. I'm not going to tell you you're straying from the path of sword marks.
But Ademir, the word so the word sword in there somewhere. Yeah, they sometimes had swords. Somebody in their adamantium is a fictional comic book element without any basis in reality, like kryptonite. It's just another unobtainium.
JFK was not actually assassinated by a sword like. Yeah, doglike. I know. I know. That one odds are not good food, yeah. OK, thank you. Clouds are not made of small white sorts like thanks website Garfinkle J.R. Toked is another myth, a gold medal, a myth.
This all caps. Thank you. Last one, you cannot.
And this is the one that I find very confusing on several levels.
You cannot cold forge a sword from a leaf spring modern web myth parody.
What? What's the most hilarious parody on the web for just sort of a leaf spring? Everyone gets real things that people think that's a Weird Al Yankovic jam.
Does it say anything on there, Justin, about whether or not steak knives are just little swords, art, cocktail swords, real swords, true or false?
I feel like we all learned a lot about swords today.
Sword was the sword, a blade metal in his unintendedly scharper heart as recent TV commercial for razor blades indicates this more Hollywood hype and bad science written by advertising executives know nothing about lurgy big Corpo selling out.
Well, what are you going to tell me next? That adamantium is real.
Oh, here we go. Last question. This arrest edited by Charles Decker. Thank you. Charles Deckert by Yahoo! Answers User IV who asks. Is Mr. Pringle still alive? Why does my son make laser gun noises in the bathroom? My name is Justin Bagheri.
I'm Travis Macaron.
Griffin McElroy has been my brother. My brother may kiss your dad on the lips. OK, that was the show.
You had some fun talking for an hour, and now our job is done, go back into the world. Maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported.