The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only, so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool, baby?
Well, it's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed into a. I could have never said what was going for me. This is my life. It feels like. It's better, it's better. It's battle. It's better to. Better it's better with. Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, media adviser for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.
What floor of this dog's got fleas? And I'm Travis Mack, your midlist brother. Lay down with the dogs. You're going to catch fleas. This is your youngest brother, Griffin, not Griffin.
I'm sorry, I already said Flea and your repetition of fleas. Oh, sorry. All right. Time to take my heartworm medicine. It's me. Give me a very sick dog.
Much better. Thank you. Welcome, brother. My brother. I mean, it's an advice show and we're here for you.
OK, now I feel like this is a new thing.
We're here for you. We're here for you. Yeah. We need we're here for you and you're here for us.
If we're beating us, you need us.
We need you. Well, spring is finally here, and that can only mean one thing around this house. This is my house where I live. It's a dry season has begun. Spraying means advice here at the back of our family.
Sure. Yeah, my my kids are always running up to me like daddy, what's what's what's a good trade skill to learn if I want to be valuable to society and the future and I always tell them the same thing. Stucco.
I just started saying VR technician and I don't exactly know what that means, but I think by the time baby's old enough to get a job, VR technician will be a thing.
Right now people are going to get so sick is strapon bullshit to their faces. All it's going to take is for one of these damn oculi to blow up on someone's head and be like, no thanks, but stucco that's going absolutely nowhere, baby.
Now you're saying stucco over, say, like somebody who was specialized in like a drywall or a gypsum or even drywall.
Fucking drywall is fucking bullshit.
Yeah. All stucco all the time.
Now do I know it's stucco is I. Well I refuse to answer that question.
OK, I, I want to start working that into every answer that we give, just like learn a trade. OK, I feel it's so applicable. Learn a trade, learn how to do something.
What do you wish you knew how to do just because you know, I mean you've picked up carpentry now so let's, let's not count that. Yeah.
Drywall we already discussed.
It's kind of like I already said, drywall, but I was just saying I also would like to learn how to do drywall quality drywall.
For me it's electrics and I'll tell you why. Oh, don't fuck around with that. Yeah, but here's here's the thing. I feel like if you don't know what you're doing with plumbing and you don't know what you're doing a drywall and you don't know what you're doing with a lot of things, the worse you're going to do is ruin it.
If you don't know what you're doing with electrics, you could die and kill others. Well, if you could make a big enough plumbing, I could make a big enough plumbing website to die.
I bet, like a little poison of mold that is possible.
I'm saying I'm saying I break the toilet so bad the water shoots up at me with such force. It kills me. That's that's entirely possible. But I could never learn plumbing because I would always be afraid that no matter what fixture I'm working on where the pipe is that I'm doing it, I'm going to remove it and water's going to come out and also. Human waste, even if it's like the kitchen sink pipes, I do not know how the water gets there, where it's coming from, you know what I mean?
I don't know anything about plumbing, but but yeah, movies and TV have convinced me that if I remove something wrong, it will spray at me with such force, it might cause me physical pain and I could die.
That's what I'm saying. Stuck, although fully safe.
You could eat that stuff. I bet I was about to ask if you could eat it.
Yeah, I'm sure it's got it's got nutrients there and they would call me the stucco Bucho and I would roll up on their house and I would put stuc all over it and I'd be like we had exposed Brick and I would say not anymore.
You don't know now you have hidden brick. Are we fucking are we done.
Are we like are we at this I feel like the last few intros has been like discussing finances and now we're it's literally home and we're literally making home improvement to we're literally making love.
The problem is we haven't had any new input in about 13 months.
Yeah, I heard some people I've read on Twitter, some people are like the quality. The show has really been flagging that. Well, that's weird since I began my self imprisonment. Yeah.
My my year long self imprisonment, the the the the laughs haven't been as plentiful, but on the south side, all I've got is like, hey, have you ever noticed how on this one wall next to my desk, there's this weird discoloration that kind of looks a little bit like Dick Butkus, you know, like that's the best I've got at this point.
But don't worry, folks, as soon as I get that good juice in my arm, I'm talking about that Johnson and Johnson shit. I am going to weigh overcorrect.
So just stick with us because I'm going to I'm going to start going to raves and shit like it's going to be it's going to be something to see.
I've got the juice. I've got the juice. It's pumping through me.
I ain't afraid of no bugs, right.
I got the juices pumping through me. There's nothing to do it. I went outside for a little bit. I was like, I don't remember this. This was fine, too.
Yeah, but like the masks, I can't tell if you're smart. I have a hard enough time with emotions. Yeah, you know what I mean. Figuring out how people are feeling. And now I'm looking at these strangers. I'm trying to guess how much they dislike me.
Stressful. It's really stressful. You know, speaking of this, can I can I begin with a much quite sure why.
But bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup.
I want a mod squad. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.
I want a month lunch school.
I got so excited about this. Are you all excited about this.
Are you so excited that you just said I want a manhunt because it's the London School.
Why'd you leave your house Justin. Did you hear were Krispy Kreme is doing.
What's your secret. Do you guys hear about this? You guys hear about this. You hear about this is a good this is a good one. This one will make you happy. OK, Krispy Kreme got a new got a new promotion going on where if you get the job. You get the vaccine. You can come in for a year, get free doughnut every day. Whoa, why show me. Show me your vaccination card.
You're going to get a free original glazed doughnut every single day for a year.
You're doing something good for you, doing something good for your community, doing something bad for you.
Circular like a circular. That's here's how it works. You bring in your vaccine card to a Krispy Kreme. You get one free original glazed doughnut. That's the promotion every day, though, for a year. Yeah, so I hear your questions and we're going to head to the FAA. You what call? Here's the first. Q What qualifies as vaccinated? Oh, that's great. Well, start that's a bad start.
Anyone who has received at least one of the two shots, Moderna or Fizer covid-19 vaccine or one shot of the Johnson and Johnson covid-19 vaccine. Now I am rocking this off brand AstraZeneca.
It is still not legal yet. So this is not information that I could take advantage of right now.
Know the approval. You've been vaccinated by showing them your vaccination record car.
OK, does my vaccine sticker qualify? No. If you get a sticker that says I got vaccinated, that's nothing to take Krispy Kreme. That's nothing. Right.
I guess my question is, is this a like government subsidized like program? How Gram. Yeah. How is Krispy Kreme not going to go out of business?
Well, I guess they're banking on a lot of people not getting vaccinated. Everybody who doesn't get vaccinated is money in their coffers.
So this is kind of hedging your bets either. Either it's good because nobody gets vaccinated or it's good because not as many people take their free doughnut. But this is what I'm saying.
If at every Krispy Kreme location, only 20 people do this, right? That's that's right. They're, what, seven thousand two hundred doughnuts in a year. Right. 13 times the amount of Krispy Kreme locations. That's just lost money. Yeah.
Yeah, it's lost money, but it's also like not great, I think, to eat a free Krispy Kreme Townend every day.
Well, I think that that's great for your overall well-being. It can be part of a well-balanced eating plan. But hey, listen, let's let's sneak on down the fake. You come with me. Go walk past those regular queues and let's get to a Elphicke. You right. Let's get to a Elphick. You less frequently come up. Come on over here.
This is really the point where I decided to to talk about this. Here's the LFA.
Q This less frequently asked question what if what if I don't want to get right.
Hey, what I have I don't want to get back. I still do this. So also the free donuts. Yes. Yes. Here for that love. I love it.
I definitely proven vaccine that's completely safe for getting covered and help me prevent the spread of the disease and protect my loved ones.
I'm not sure about that one, but I. Chris Doughnut's Chris freebees.
I want to participate in the program. Don't get me wrong, Chris. I want a free donut. I need the VA for that.
al-Fassi Here's the way we understand that choosing to receive the covid-19 vaccine is a highly personal decision. So we advise all employees and guests to consult with their health care provider regarding whether to obtain a covid-19 vaccination and which vaccine received after reviewing the available information.
If you have made the personal decision to not receive the covid vaccine, please visit us on Mondays.
Why March twenty ninth through May 24th to receive a free original glazed donut and a medium for, you know, get your week off to a good.
No, no, no. They're having.
Hey, you have a rumpus. Cravan Buckwild days where the promotion is come get your free donuts and a free coffee.
That's how we want you. We want to pack it all the nasty folks on this one day, all you ribald motherfuckers that don't want to get the job, you just come in and get one swampy morass of free donuts and illness.
Here's the thing. Krispy Kreme, it takes one quarter of a bold stance. We're saying I'll give you a a donut for your vaccine every day and then they back it way, way up. They take one step for an AIDS test back. What they should do is say you get a free donut every day for a year. If you don't if you get the vaccination and if you don't get the vaccination, you owe us one donut every day for a yes.
And that's how we pay this off. This is how we swap this out. A donut for a donut.
Yeah, because right now they're calling up President Joey, President Joey back to donuts and saying, like, you're you're fucking killing us, dude. Yeah. Can you can you chill like the last dude. He sucks shit.
But like, he also wasn't sort of taking us apart every sort of level. You're getting all these jabs going.
So anyway, that's the promotion. Krispy Kreme.
I love the idea. Do wish you had a little bit of a strength of your convictions. They're all a little bit more because you don't give.
Free coffee, if you get the jab. Yep, but you only get to free coffee if you're a dirty little dog.
Yeah, it's not strange in that strange that you get the you get the coffee that white guys, is it possible the coffee has the vaccine in it? That's entirely possible.
I mean, it could also be possible that they're setting up like a toddler hanging out.
Let's spread this chicken pox all around and just go secesh where I had a herd immunity here. And I just hope they are providing the correct sort of protective gear for the employees at Krispy Kreme.
Let you go and you get your free doughnut and your free coffee. Right. But then when you leave, what's that? You're being ushered into the back of a big box truck.
Oh, why? Where are we going? Well, this is going to be a farm where all the people who don't care about vaccines can live. You won't be able to get everybody else infected, you dirty dogs.
Will there be free donuts? There will be some kind of food. Yeah, you won't have to pay for it.
You're going to be happy here. Don't worry about it. It's going to be fine, let's let's get into the to the advice I'm ready to help some people and I want to start with this one. An excellent question here. When I was in second grade, Shaquille O'Neal came to my school to have a Q&A with the kids. I was chosen to ask him a question. I asked it and sat down. The thing is, after some of the other kids asked a question, he would give them a kiss on the cheek.
Is this real? Is this a I feel like if Shaquille O'Neal went to schools a lot and kissed a lot of kids on the cheek, we would have heard about it by now.
Well, keep going because the details lead me to believe the details stack up. OK, if I ever meet him again, do I ask for it now? Do I relay the story and go at it? Coy, go for a European greeting or and hope you reciprocates or just forget the whole thing altogether. That one that's from reflecting in the red stickups.
I asked him if he was allergic to strawberries. I had no idea who he was. I was talking with my mom about my mom's allergies in the car on the way there. And I was just curious. It was actually a clip for the news. He is not OK.
That's good to know. I was worried. Thank you for letting me know. Mr. Shaquille O'Neal is not allergic to strawberries.
I like that you as a second grader saw this giant man. People were excited that he was there. And you thought, I wonder if this giant man is allergic to strawberries. No further questions.
Is that was the question that was that was your God Almighty, if you had one chance to ask Shaquille O'Neal a question like I don't like, for me it would be, what do you like better, the general or Papa John's like, which of your fans are you?
You have to choose or like, can you. I've seen all the commercials. Can you explain to me what the general is and why they made like they have you as their spokesperson, but they also have a fuckin Ally McBeal CGI baby general man as the mascot. And can you explain isn't that redundant, Mr. O'Neill?
Do you think that there's a chance because of the specificity of the question, that if you did run into Mr. Shaquille O'Neal now you said I was the kid, you came in second grade class, I asked you about strawberries and and Shaquille O'Neal would be like, of course, I remember you. I owe you one kiss on the cheek. I was just so befuddled in the moment by the specificity of your question. I forgot to give you a cheek kiss as as is my way.
Yeah, I if I saw Shaq and I could ask you a question, I like to think it would be something urbane and erudite, but I think. It would just be kind of like a I would just be so relieved to get the chance that it would be something like what I go from here.
Oh, you. I mean, like, we're Hagenbach. Where do we go from here? What's next? What's next? Hey, Shaq, what's next?
See, I think my question I'd want it to be I'd want it to be funny. Right. And kind of like ironic. Oh, you'd want to I'd want to get him instead. Yeah, I'd want it to be like.
Did you ever fully become Gen Wright or something like that?
I bet I'd never heard that one before.
But I think in in all honesty, if I now, even as the thirty seven year old adult ran into Mr. Shaquille O'Neal, I think and someone like whispering in my ear, like, you got one chance, one question, I think we're just like, how's it going?
Like, I think that's the best thing would do that you have some of the best chance. I've got a microphone and put it in your face right now asking Shaquille O'Neal, don't think about it, just ask. I'm Travis. You're thinking you're right, OK? Hey, can you give that to me again, please? Yeah. Travis, here's a microphone. I got Shaquille O'Neal. Hi, Travis. You can ask him one question.
What was it like to be beaten by Aaron Carter?
That is a fucking slam dunk. Now, I do appreciate that. My metaphor there, it was all over. I'm good. I appreciate that. That just came came to me. But I would love love to for Shaq to relive the day that Aaron Carter. Yeah. Here's the thing. OK, it is occurring to me now.
How many wonderful things like how many there Shaq fu there is. Yes. How I beat Shaq. Yes.
Sam, there's just like I said, I believe he was saying when I can name them all the shock Agis or whatever he called it, he was in space jam one right now.
Probably it was not. He was in steel though as steel from steel storeyed like able to be referenced life Shaquille O'Neal has led and oh, you don't have an ending to that thought.
You know, I just want to talk about how great Shaq is. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing.
There will be people like our question asker who may have no idea, but Shaquille O'Neal ever played basketball like he is just the guy who is in that GenY movie and played steel and in those general commercials. And remember that video game about him? I believe he beat out Godzilla or something like that. There are so many things Shaquille O'Neal, like he could have just been very good at basketball and he said, no, no, I have so much more Shaq to give.
Let me do other weirder things. Hey, twenty, twenty. Some are twenty twenty. A woman has a blowout tire, has a blowout, has to pull over the side of the road. Who's there to assist. Is it is it. Shake it. Shake Shack pulls over to help. A more great shot doesn't give a if there's any cars they'll just punch him out of the way. Right. Protect everybody.
How about this? And this is we've completely lost the plot of this question.
I hope that's OK, because now it just kind of have fun with it. But what if they did a new thing of deal or no deal? But it was then he was the host was called Shaquille or No Deal or Shaq. Shaquille O'Neal is another.
Uh huh. That's that was a lot of fun talking. Hey, guys, sometimes it's just fun to talk about Shaq for a bit.
Yeah. Do you do it a lot? Have you noticed that? Sure we do. Do you want to Yahoo! Yeah, OK, this one was sent in by Graham Robock, thank you, Grant crushes from Yahoo! Answers user Emily who asks, Why did nature mess with dolphins this bad?
Yes, think they have to live in the water? They can't walk, but they have to go up for air every ten minutes.
How could nature do that to them? Songs. Can you imagine? I wish I could goof on this, but this up.
What if you had to leave your house every 10 minutes to step outside and breathe and then go back inside your house if it was like solidify of the existence of a smoker?
Well, but it's more like a step outside. Stick your head in that fountain now. Come back inside. Oh, that's right.
It's not even the same sort of like physical substance.
And it's like, hey, can I bring it inside my house? No, no, no. If you bring it to the area immediately, go away.
It just it is harming nature. OK. Now, see, now I'm thinking about it just like if you're if you're dolphins and you're trying to figure it out, you have to say the other dolphins, OK, you guys are going to think I'm crazy, but I do think I cracked it. We're supposed to be in both.
Yeah. Like, wait, what do you mean the drier? The wet. No, no, no.
This is the wild part. Is this fuck with you. Yeah. Like we actually went for what nobody else has to do that.
Only we knew whales, whale turtles that nobody else.
I mean there's probably a lot of dolphins don't know about whales.
You're pretty sure dolphins know about whale.
Oh my God. We only see a fucking giant dolphin here and turn around. Run. You're not going to ask him his life story. And if he's in there trying to get an equal amount of time, the way of fish dolphins don't know about whale for sure.
Had this exact discussion before, which is why only I mean, I think dolphins would hang out with whales.
I don't think whales would hang out with dolphins. Absolutely not. They'd be afraid.
I think whales would find the dolphins a little much, you know what I mean? You're a whale. You're moving at your own pace.
You're doing things, I guess, just floating forward until you die or make another smaller you because there's not like you're not not only works of art or whatever.
Do you do you think you see a dolphin come over and they're doing like flips and tricks and shit?
You're like, oh my God, could you not. I'm I do. That would splash and then post the video online. It's like, look at this big whale, do it, jump out and do a huge splash. And that whale sees the video and he's like, I was trying to do a cool flip like my friend Dolphin.
Do you think that when dolphin asshole when dolphins see us in our stupas swimming around and like, staying underwater for longer than. Do you think dolphins ever trail scuba divers like Jeremy? Check this out. That dude, he's been down here for like 20 fucking minutes. And I know he likes, er like I know he loves the air as much as we do.
So like what's going on. And the other side of that though is like when they see a shark who can stay down the whole time, they're probably like, what the fuck, why can't hey, why can't we do that. Hey, yeah. It's not fair. Have we tried to stay. Yeah.
They got cut someone that they do it through. So I guess hey cut me out for that.
Didn't work. That's not it. Shit. He's got a lot of cuts though. OK, do it six times real fast.
I don't fuck know how. Well guys the read is coming out. It's the inside what. The inside way inside. What's coming out. The air's not going in. Oh man, this sucks.
There's a lot of shitty answers on this question, by the way. A lot of shit. And so dolphins have to breathe every ten minutes.
Why did nature mess with us? We have to breathe every few seconds. Occasionally we can hold our breath for a few minutes.
Hey, dumdum, that's not a point. That's not give in the dry.
Listen, someone else says goodbye and thanks for all the fish.
Forty two. It's just good though. The one you said.
Does it say goodbye and thanks for all the fish.
Yeah. It's not even the right fucking kidney but there it is a rad pic of a just a slimy grey dolphin.
He's poking out of the water. He's got a big smile and says they look pretty happy to me. And I want to tell that person that is just kind of what their mouth looks like.
And for all we know, this dolphin is a, you know, a circus dolphin and it's probably not living his best life.
I you know, OK, but by. Huh, they do look happy.
I mean that again, just I do want to say what I literally just said, eight seconds, but they look happy.
Is it possible that the balance is what it's like? It's like something we can let's not balance. Justin, don't spend all your time in one. Don't spend all your time in the wet or the dry. Find a balance. But it's not balance. Justin. They live ninety nine percent of the time in the way they are. They're not like rolling up on the land, walking around for a while and then going back into the wet. Justin, get in the way.
And they have to basically stick their backs up like it's like if every, you know, ten minutes you had to push the back of your head through your wall to live like that fucking son. Like, that's that's it's not balanced. Mm.
And yet you're over here telling me evolution is real, Justin. But if evolution so real, then how can dolphins haven't evolved to breathe water?
Well, because then they we wouldn't be able to see them as much.
Oh, that's for something for all. They miss us. That's our thing. They involve boreholes that come up and see. I have an excuse. So what you're saying is there was a time when dolphins lived on land and they hung out with human beings and they said, we want to spend a lot of time in the wet, but we don't want to miss you entirely. And that's how they evolved.
Maybe the order of the order of occurrences is something of a mystery. So it might have been that they were underwater the whole time and they said, what's up there? I want to be part of that world. And they made a deal with Ursula and Ursula, given Blowholes that they could come up and say hi.
But she took their voice. God, I'm so sick of her. I know she's there for everybody.
Well, you have fun, but like. She took that lady's voice away, she took her fucking voice away so she could go see a man she never met, Martha knew what the fuck was up. Ursula knew she wasn't coming back. A lot of people like Ursula, like the hero of the story.
But I'm sorry, I think she's the villain. Hmm, yeah, well, she does get killed by a big boat. That is true for her crimes. Fair point. You guys ever think about what a shitty dad Triton was? He was not great.
I don't want to talk about that. Shall we go to the money? Yeah, great.
Hey, you want to fill your belly and fill it with a basket of sun? OK, I was going to say it depends on what is going in there.
No, it's sun, pure sunshine. We've partnered with the best scientist at Sun Basket to bring you a basket full of pure photons. They're going to fill your belly.
You're going to eat sunlight, gotra. So stupid. It's not true. It's sunlight now.
It's not chavas. It's delicious food that's sent to you. And then you make it and it makes you happy. Last night I had I didn't want to set the alarm clock. Here's what they sent me. Chicken romesco sauce with green beans and tomato. OK, I didn't think I want to be honest with you, I must say right here. Anything I'd like her, but then I made it and you know what happened probably filled with sunlight you like it was absolutely delicious, just like every other meal that somebody could sense to me.
They challenged me to think outside of the box a little bit by thinking inside the box, whenever every week I get a new box of some basking greens, they sent a promo box. And you know what I did after I ate that PO box, but I just kept getting it. I'm paying for out of pocket with my own money. That's how while I am about some basket delicious foods, really in-depth recipes, you know, what I love also about them is you can switch out the protein, get out.
So if like if you want ground chicken you don't like, I think chicken thighs are gross.
Don't want. I wish I said that wasn't an ad. So I'm talking to you in real life. Yeah.
It's like it's like a it's like a smoke.
And Al, you want ground turkey, ground chicken, whatever you want they'll they'll in the proteins for you, you can even do like tofu or something like that if you can go go meatless. They got the options beyond the meal kits. They got these fresh and ready meals which I know Griffin you get into. Yeah.
We were stocking up on those for for for some quick and easy and tasty dinners. For once the baby gets here. Yeah, and right now, Sun Basket has a limited time offer, you can get ninety dollars off and for free gifts across your first four deliveries, including free shipping on the first box. When you go right now to send basket dot com slash my brother and Interpublic, my brother, check out that some basket dot com slash my brother and our promo code.
My brother at checkout offer expires on April 13th. So I've been doing some streaming recently, and I have noticed conclusively that if someone says, like great shirt or ask about my shirt, it is 100 percent a stitch fix shirt that I got from Stitch Fix, because ever since I joined Sedgwicks and became, you know, like a stitch fix user, I guess I would say my style game has improved exponentially. I think all of ours has. And I'm also wearing the most comfortable jeans I have ever had.
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I mean they do have shirts so comfortably you sleep them to probably.
Yeah but that's not impressed. There are lots of shirts that I would sleep in and most of them you can sleep in anything if you really believe in yourself and you're willing to put yourself.
I mean yes OK. You could sleep in anything, but these are jeans you want to sleep in. Is that better?
One time Criss Angel slept in a sweater. Oh, boy.
It's fucking wild, man.
And it was hot outside to call. Yeah. Hey, it's John Moe, and look, these are challenging times for our mental and emotional health. I get it. That's why I'm so excited for my new podcast, Depeche Mode. We're tackling depression, anxiety, trauma, stress, the kinds of things that are just super common, but don't get talked about nearly enough conversations that are illuminating, honest and sometimes pretty funny with folks like Kelsey Deira, open Mic Egal and Patton Oswalt.
Humphrey Bogart was never in therapy. I said, yeah, but he smoked a carton of cigarettes a day, so he was in therapy, plus psychiatrists, psychologists and all kinds of folks on Depeche Mode. We're working together, learning, helping each other out. We're a team. Join our team, Depeche Mode for maximum fun wherever you get your podcasts. This is usually where the money squad goes. Now we're all kind of floundering a bit. Do you want to read another question?
Yeah, I like that. When I was 13, a lawnmower I was using caught fire and started a small they've got this in quotes, wild fire burning a little under an acre of land, much to my embarrassment. This was then put on the news. And since it was a small town, everyone from my school knew it was me.
I'm twenty three now, but sometimes when I go back home, people still sometimes joke like, hey, started any fires lately.
Pretty good line.
Good line. What can I do to take the heat off my history with fire and maybe get known for something new. Any ideas are appreciated. That's from accidental arsonists.
And they've got accidental in quotes, too, which I don't understand, you're going to need to stop some fires, I think. Oh, that's good. Yeah, what I feel like well, I don't know how many fires you'd have to stop for it to balance out.
Maybe five million acres, one acres worth of fire depending on if you're in the city.
That could be a lot of that could be a whole bunch of fires.
But we're not talking about firefighting. There will be no hoses, no extinguishers involved. I'm talking about like you see somebody's smoking next to a cotton swab factory and you say, stop it, stop it.
Hey, no, no, no, don't get out. Don't you see this pile of sawdust you are sitting on top of? This is a terrible place to start.
I'll find that place to have big smokes. That's a cigar. That's a big novelty sized cigar. Like a wolf with smoke.
Can you have such a big cigar? What? You're a baby.
You're a baby. What are you doing? That cigar. How did you get this sawdust pile, baby? Hey. Hey, is this is this Timir from the news?
Listen, you better get out here because I'm about to stop a baby from smoking a huge cigar. And I feel like that's really going to turn my rep around.
And listen, this camera this is going to sound like I staged it, but I promise I came upon this completely naturally. I did not give this baby a cigar, nor did I set it on top of this pile of sawdust.
There's a whole baby cigar party happening. There's like four more babies with cigars. I need to get down here, man.
You got to hurry. Get down here. Bring bring Robert Johnson, Canacol, Spencer Atkins. Get everybody down here. This is wild.
Get Bill Murray. Get the whole team out here.
The whole not stop Bill Murray, the Bill Murray that was in our home town where we grew up, the Bill Murray from Gumline. Oh, you're not coming. OK, see, now you've got to start your own television news station or newspaper.
OK, this is this is Bob Stevenson with the Bob Stevenson Dispatch and all boy, I've done it again.
Stopped another baby cigar fire at the sawdust factory. This paper is free.
Please just read it and give it to everyone. You know what I mean?
You could start a YouTube channel. Those are easy. Everybody's got a YouTube channel now, right where you're just going around stopping baby fires.
Thanks for subscribing to my newsletter. Didn't stop any fires this week, but watch this space. I'm out there. Email me at my tip line if you see anybody doing bad fire stuff.
No difficult fires, though, please. I don't have any resources.
Do you have this sorted? Is this the sort of town where just having your own YouTube would make you like the YouTube guy? Oh, I don't mind that.
The fire guy. Yeah, he's the one with the. You started in a YouTube channel lately. I did, actually. Three more. Yeah. By moving channel.
OK, if they didn't want people to be repulsed by MacBain, they should have called it something lesser of sentence mouth.
Sounds bad. OK, well the sound your mouth makes when you say mouth sounds, that's really bad.
I mean, we had to go become big podcasters so we could just stop being kids, that's all. Here come Clint's kids up to no good. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh?
Like I'm my own guy, actually. Like I do. I do a bunch of stuff that has nothing to do with my dad.
Yeah, I worked pretty hard to become the non video game brother, but now I'm going out with this twitch. Oh, no, I just realized. Oh, no, I'm going to become the video game, brother.
Now you're still the beard, but thank you.
That means a lot to me. You can hear the beard on the line. Thank you so much. Thank you.
You could start other, bigger fires then maybe people started to wash their fucking mouth or own it.
And someone's like you starting fires like I did I did at your house.
Go home. You're very good. Checking your day check on your behalf.
Yes. That's viable is catch phrase. You know, go check on your dad.
Is it possible to say it was a controlled burn and that they don't get it?
I'm an amateur fire person. This is a controlled burn. I had it completely under control.
Don't you see how I put quotes around wild fire? More like wildfire. That's just a little joke in the controlled fire industry.
But now you're asking, is a broken lawnmower the typical device we use to start a controlled burns and that just shows how ignorant you are.
Have you read any books about starting controlled burns lately? What do you think?
People just throw their broken lawnmowers in the garbage when they're done with them? No. What a waste. What a tremendous waste.
Were there several small businesses located in this one acre that also burned down? Yeah, that's part of the control, dude.
I had to burn them down to make room for new businesses. Those have those have sprinklers. It's easier to control. Yeah. Think about if it was. Is trees, you idiot. Those go birds so quick, they had to get some insurance money. It's all part of the plan.
It's all part of the plan. They were in on it. We were all in on it. And aren't you enjoying that New Mexican restaurant that they built on the burned out ground that I burned out? You're welcome. Enjoy your enchiladas.
What about the oil in natural? What about the part of the wildlife preserve that burnt down to your home? That one was an accident, but everybody's allowed to make a few accidents, huh? Yeah, I'm human.
I'm a human being. I'm a human being. And those were very rare birds. Yeah. Now they're more rare. And the people who have those birds have more money in their pockets. So they're not complaining, huh? Hey, what about the kinds of animals that actually.
Yes, they kind of they got to get their bellies full too, I guess. And to be fair, I thought those birds were phoenixes. And if that had been the case, this all would have been totally cool, wouldn't it? So I guess you're the jerk now, Stephen.
What if you lost your keys? They're easier to find.
And I know that your car was also parked in there. And so that is kind of a moot point.
And I understand that. But that's part of the control. Griffin, do you have any idea might do this?
One was also singing my grandma robot. Thank you. Yahoo! Answers user.
Sorry, who asks, how can a font be sexy on multiple font websites?
I've seen sexy as a category, but they aren't just letters. What is happening?
Oh come on, stop being willfully obtuse. You know the answer to that if you saw it. Let's see if you saw if you got a love letter in papyrus. Right. You would be like, oh OK, whatever. Right.
What did this love letter sent through time from like ancient Egypt or something. Right. Right. Yeah.
And I'm just pulling this off the top of my head. I'm not looking, but sans serif sounds sexy. Yeah, sans serif is probably.
Yeah. It's up there. I think that that was the one that they sort of they had sexiness in mind when they were developing this, this font.
That's not very what's a I'm going to type in sexy phone and look away Travis type sexy fonts and then just go for Sexy Power.
Vertica, no Lattakia sound. I love Elvis. Sandra Hello. Cassandra. That's kind of sexy. Yeah, I love in all of these promotions where they're like showing what the font looks like even in the sexy font is like.
The quick brown fox. Jumps over the lazy. Oh, that would be a sexy fun if anyone's looking to design a sexy font, make it so any time you put a single X it's immediately three. That's really good. Yeah, you can only type three axes at a time. Yeah.
And while we're at it, just every M becomes three M's them back.
And that's something the quick brown fox jumps in and there's a period and that's a cool thing when it like actually changes the syntax of of the sentence itself. Mm hmm.
So this typography website that got like reviews for the different. Yes. They have this to say about Archer. Sweet but not saccharine, earnest but not brave, Archer is designed to hit just the right notes, forthrightness, credibility and charm.
Oh, I like that. It's nice, right? It makes you feel like maybe now I have here I found one that just called Luxuria sexy, which.
I bet you can find a font called E. I bet you could find a font called like I'm going to Starwars. Yeah, sure.
But that's not what I was going to say.
But. All right. You have you like Star Wars, I bet there's even a Star Trek one, you either want to remember which one you like Travis for, you like the Travis Vaughn.
There's a Travis Phonte. What guys, what could be better fodder for a comedy audio podcast, talking about what letters look like?
Yeah, it's yeah, it's that's good. I hope the quarantine goes on.
Oh, just me talking here, but I love having all my meals come to me in metal boxes, Ray.
OK, Lynn texted me to tell me there's going to be a Peeps Pepsi mashup. Peeps in Pepsi are joining forces to create marshmallow soda. That's gross, gross, it's gross. I'd rather have cola, please. It's a marshmallow call, it comes in a three pack of little seven and a half ounce cans. Now you can't you can't buy them at the fuckin store. But you can tweet the hash tag hanging with my boys. And and you can enter to win the sweepstakes and you're supposed to show yourself enjoying your favorite spring time activities, quote, in a safe, socially distant manner, incentivizing in the Krispy Kreme way safe if.
Now, let's dig a little deeper here. Todd Kaplan, the Pepsi's VP of marketing, says after what has been a very difficult year, many consumers are looking for new things to smile about. So we may. Very sweet.
Can I just for them. So just because I want to just put a pin in it real quick, I just want to point out that I think in the QSR and food update kind of Munch squad world, the new thing isn't going to be this has been a difficult year. It's going to be after a difficult year and it will be all about like now that we've turned the corner after a difficult year, things just need to it's going to be that over and over and over again in some form.
Yeah. Um, I'm not very good at business. Ask anybody, but how come these, like, businesses keep announcing these things and then saying, but you can't buy them, you have to like a business just to get you.
It's it's the new and I guess much quanah's part of it I like Monch quite is to blame, but it's like you don't actually have to do the thing. If you just say you're going to do the thing and then make people tweet about it, then you get all the attention.
Yeah. Without actually having to like make a bazillion of them and get logistics going and shit like that.
Don't if you don't tell me that you're going to make ketchup that looks like some dude's arm and then it's like you have to send it in a self-addressed stamped envelope with fucking bitcoins inside of it, like sell that shit in stores, fucking stop it. Stop making me jump through hoops, be brave and trash your brand by making that soda and make some some poor person accidentally buy it and then come home.
You like this soda fucking sucks. I have somebody accidentally buy your shitty marshmallow soda cowards.
We met. We were and and make ketchup for us then fucking do it. Give them tomatoes and spices and sugar and let it share make. Then you have to, you have to mass produce whatever. He made a million of them a million tomatoes and say your balls in your court Ed.
Oh, man, did you try some of this new ketchup? It tastes like a shitty tomato water.
Yeah, that's because Ed Sheeran squish it with his own feet and then we had to sell it at Kroger's because that was the deal we made with Ed Sheeran.
Will you make, Ed, you catch up if you promise to sell it for a hundred years?
OK, I want it. I want it to replace real ketchup and share.
And you drive a hard bargain, OK? Yep. OK, this will be Heinz. Fifty eight. We're throwing out the last one. This is the new one is we're not even going to name you on the bottle like it's just we're just going to call this new ketchup and you just happen to be the person who made it. Sounds good to me. I'm Ed Sheeran.
I did my French fries and Ed Sheeran ketchup juice, and it was disgusting.
Well, that's because we're just going to have to find a new way to enjoy ketchup now because ketchup. Ketchup means something else. Pepsi means something else. Now, it's not a refreshing brown beverage that you enjoy with a pizza. Now it's now it's a different thing that you have to use it.
Now, it's a joke that we all have to live with. We actually fucked up so bad because of the new law that Biden put in where you have to really do the things you say you're going to. There's no Pepsi anymore. It's just an Instagram filter. You can't drink it. It's a filter. And we fuck up. Don't get it twisted. You fucked up. It was a bad idea that we did, but we said we do it and this is it anyways.
Are you hiring? Oh, boy, oh, boy, um, there was this a yacht, what was this here's a new question.
Last Halloween, my wife and I never got around to carving the pumpkin. Our best friend brought us instead tossing it. Our friend hid it in our bathtub as a joke, a gentle reminder to carve it. Unfortunately, my wife and I proceeded to keep it in the tub while using the tub as usual, for the next four months. It was surprisingly useful for many tub related.
Is this what I mean? It was surprisingly useful for many top related activities. What do you do in the tub? Flash forward to yesterday and the pumpkin, you guys are never going to believe this. Well, it's riding in the tank top, hasn't it? I cleaned it all up. But in the process, a not insignificant amount of pumpkin seeds and guts went down the already poorly functioning drain. If this causes a plumbing issue, how do we explain it to the landlord without him telling him we kept a pumpkin in the tub for four months?
This is a large claw foot tub with a showerhead hookup.
If that reference is needed. It wasn't. That's from punk and pumpkin.
It's from a person who needs some help and help on a scale that may be grander than we can offer.
I think the best course, just just the best course of events, really, really thing travel.
You have to remember, I do these questions, right. So I saw this right hours ago. I've had time to process that voice.
And the thing is, I think you are going to get the most leeway by just telling the landlord what you did. Yeah, we left the pumpkin in the tub for four months. Well, tubbing around it and some delays went back.
The usual tub stuff that we found the pumpkin to be surprisingly complimentary to.
We were in there thumping around and rotted away. It got in the Dingding drain, didn't they, since on us. And if you want to add an extra 20 dollars to our rent for the next couple of months, we don't really understand. We get it for a pumpkin surcharge.
The usual, the usual pumpkin mistake's surcharge please. What's your usual. Excuse me.
Is this landlord what's your usual rate for making a pumpkin, hypothetically speaking? And is that kind of something that I can purchase prophylactic?
I notice here that there is in the list a listing for pet addendum. So I understand my pets, a pumpkin that lives in my town.
And he had an accident. He had an accident of dying. And so we need emergency here. Excuse me, is this landlord?
There is emergency here and is of a pumpkin variety here and this is covered in my bed. So what was the pacifically in the lease?
That's a relief for me.
Honestly, can you forward me the list of things we are allowed to get stuck in the tub during police and is Pumpkin's one of them? You could just tell me that.
What are some things that you allow in tub? Oh, you don't have a comprehensive list. Seems like a lack of forethought on your part.
Do you recall?
Excuse me, this is Dalip in the apartment you have. Do you remember agreeing our mutually beneficial list of things that can go into remember to clarify, is there a limit to how long I was allowed to keep Pumpkin on top?
Because I will tell you for future reference, four months is too long to be fair. To be fair, sir, before you get all high and mighty about it, to be fair, if you notice the pumpkin had not been removed from my home by December, that would have been the moment for you to speak up as my landlord if you're really paying attention to the person.
To be fair, you take a tub in my apartment every week, so you must have noticed it.
I'm sorry. I want to engage here. I want to I want to have fun. But like once I used a foot bath in Japan, in Japan that had like yuzu fruit floating in it and it made the water smell and oranges and it made the water smell pretty good that I had my dad I had my feet in and it was revitalizing this pumpkin, I cannot imagine served a similar purpose and also was something you had to bathe around.
Vilem, it's so big a pumpkin is.
I understand your confusion, Girvan. It's a large claw foot tub with a shower head hookup. So I think that kind of that that actually makes a lot of.
So you were showering in there and just you had pumpkin and has coffee and the tub has coffee. Check the clock. Yeah, it's because of the claw of fate, sometimes the plumbing is just going to get lost in there. So I guess let's just take turns apologizing because we I we fucked up.
We didn't realize the tub had claw feet. I thought it was a built in. I'm sorry. It's not a bill. It's a stand alone deal with the showerhead. I'm sorry man. All right. Now, now who left the pumpkin in the tub.
Still you actually. We don't know how big a punch it could be, like one of those small, like paint a funny face on it and put it on like the, you know, the table by the door.
It's big pumpkin. It's big. You don't send a question like this to us. And it's not a full size.
Yeah, it would have had it over to John and Hank, you know what I mean? They can get stuck. They handle that.
Yeah. Hey, I think it's deer hanging, John, but a great. No, they started a second show.
Yeah. Hey, let's talk about this for a second. I'm going to keep drilling down on parts of this until it seems less insane. Flash forward to yesterday in the pumpkin is rooted in the top. Let me hold up for just one second.
You don't get to flash forward to the pumpkin as you go in the tub every single day. You did not come in one day and like, holy shit. Look what happened to our pristine. Yeah, no, that's not how it is form of locusts did not fly in through the window and fuck your pumpkin up over like a two hour period and question asker.
You didn't lift it up for one of your regular bathtub activities and the bottom just fell out. Were you using it as a loofah? You could tell me. I'm not going to be angry. I'll be right.
You would certainly notice at what point in the decompositional process it was any sponginess whatsoever you should have been signed was this pumpkin was not take a tremendous amount of time for a pumpkin, to be extent, not to continue the scrutiny or question asker, but in the cleaning process, a not insignificant amount of pumpkin seeds and guts went down the already poorly functioning drain. How Lucy Goosey was your cleaning process? Yeah, that it was getting pushed in the drain and you just thought, well, cost of doing business.
Yeah, that's a number one area. You got a defend if you are cleaning. I leave a pumpkin out on the out in front of the house for three days past Halloween and it is deflated.
It is a deflated pumpkin sitting out there. There is no way.
No way. It made it four months in a tub. Absolutely no. Maybe you've hit on a new pumpkin preservation technique whereby, you know, getting some fruit tasting shampoo on it or whatever, you're going to keep it alive a little bit longer. We should all be submerging a pumpkin.
If you want to preserve your pumpkins, you can only find them usually that one time of year.
So it's nice to have a pumpkin on hand for spring to really welcome the Easter Bunny in a way that's kind of fun. Yeah, you're right. You really want to confuse that cat.
Hey, listen, thanks so much for listening to our podcast. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. We're going to be, I guess, is the last one before we head into a bit of a hiatus.
Yes, it will be strange for a while.
Yeah. We got some other fun, weird stuff for you, though, and things are turning around. You know, they're terrible. They're turning around here on Earth. And I think brighter days are ahead. If there's any consolation to you, that's where I'm at right now. So, yeah, here's hoping.
Thank you to you for joining us once again.
And we want to tell you, we got a lot of cool merch over in the Murchú. We're running out of time for that March merch pin of the month. It's sausage to me, which benefits feeding Texas. You can also check out the empty bullpen. That one is Evergreen. So that is not a monthly pin as well as the twenty big dog run pin. It's going to be there. Go preorder the adventures of Crystal Kingdome graphic novel. You can preorder that at The Adventures of Comic Dotcom.
It comes out July 13th.
I've been doing a Twitch channel for a while now.
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Yes, it's called My Life is Better With You and go check out all the Montaigne's music and make sure that you support her during Eurovision. Is there like a phone vote system?
Not I don't think us Americans, me and damn it. OK, well, just another thing we're kept out of, right.
Haiti, I want to find a Yahoo! Please is finally Yahoo! Was sent in by merit.
Palmer it's a very good one. I think you married. It's an anonymous. Yeah.
Oh no, it's Jon. The Yahoo! Answers user. Jon asks. Why is the company called Johnson and Johnson and not the two Johnsons? My name is just Snacker, right?
I'm Griffin McElroy. Been my brother. My brother may kiss your dad square on the lips. It's better, it's better. It's better it's better to. Give maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported.