Transcribe your podcast
[00:00:01]

This is exactly right. Hello, hello and welcome to my favorite murder, The Menace.

[00:00:27]

That's Karen Kilgariff. That's Georgia Howard Stark. It's Friday night.

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We're about a party with e-mails going up, going and going and going, and it's gone.

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But you want to go first? Do you want to go first? I want me to go first again. Actually, do you have, like, a sweet a sweet little ending one or.

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I like my ending one. OK, if you want me to. Yeah. If you want to go first, look at us. OK. 20, 21. OK, this is called the one with the Grandpap murder. Hi Stephen. Georgia and Karen love the pod, et cetera, et cetera. I'm here to tell you a good old fashioned hometown murder. In fact, it's such a classic. It's on the original unsolved mysteries. So I was like, you're famous.

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It's a Season six, episode ten. It's the story of the time my grandpa got murdered. Oh, no, I know. On the night of May 15th, nineteen eighty one, my grandfather was attending a political fundraiser when he was shot in the head point blank and killed. Despite the roughly four hundred people in attendance that night, no one saw a thing. And most of the people interviewed refused to disclose any information because they feared for their own lives.

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Now here's where it gets fishy. So I'm going to there's a it's already right. There's a name in it, but I'm just going to use the initial of the last name because it's a legit. But if you watch the episode, I'm sure they say it. Now, here's where it gets fishy, though. He was off duty when the police arrived. Deputy Chief John C was already on the scene. And throughout the investigation, he gave several reasons for his attendance at the fundraiser that evening.

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The bullet used in the killing was recovered and sent for testing. But even though it was being kept in a locked door in his desk, that the lab was having trouble processing it because they said the bullet had a hole punched into it in an effort to prevent tracing the bullet had a hole punched into it in an effort to prevent tracing what kind of weapon was used. Despite this, they managed to identify the gun used. And guess who's the only fucking officer on the force who used that kind of gun?

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John T.. Yep, John C..

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I really wanted to get it right. Yeah. He also failed a polygraph test. So, yeah, though his death is labeled a cold case, a cursory study of the evidence makes it pretty fucking obvious who did it. The last bit is just some spooky stuff that happened after the murder. Nights after his father was murdered, my dad awoke to a bullet being shot through their living room window. Whoa. They also got caught in the middle of the night with a mysterious voice saying, I know who killed Jay, the name of the grandpa.

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My uncle also claims he once paid for something at a corner store. And one of the bills he got as change had, quote, I know who killed Jay scrawled on it. No one in my family talks about the murder, so hopefully none of them are listening. When I asked my dad about it, he doesn't say much, but I thank him for instilling a fear of police in me at a young age and always reminding me that, quote, the cops can lie to you, stay sexy and please get my dad into therapy.

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Hannah, isn't that heavy? Yeah, it's awful.

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So awful. I hope. I hope that. But also it sounds like it sounds like mafia stuff or like how was how our four hundred people right in the room when something happens and no one's saying I mean exactly.

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It feels I don't she doesn't say where it's from but it feels small talenti. But it could be like Boston, you know what I mean. Yeah.

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Yeah. But small town would make sense because it's like everyone knows not to say anything or and every of those kind of things. Scary. OK, my first email, it's the subject line is Panamanian mom out crazy to Mugga. Yes. Hello. All in all caps. When I heard the Scottish Dead head butting story, I knew I had to write in my is from Panama, basically the opposite of Scotland, and thusly had an opposite approach to self defence.

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She and her mom, my grandma, were walking in Panama in the seventies through a bad part of town in broad daylight, albeit alone with me, a baby, my sister, a toddler, and my brother, who is probably like ten.

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When they noticed a man had been following them, they tried to speed up and make odd turns to get away or find safety. But with three kids and an old lady, they hadn't had any success. My bad ass mom had the sense that he wanted her and told my grandma to take us kids and walk the other direction, pass the guy she did. And the guy kept following my mom now alone, like she had predicted, knowing this guy was probably going to rob her.

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Or worse, she started acting all caps crazy.

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She immediately started kicking over nearby trash cans, punching the air, jumping on the buildings and screaming at the top of her lungs. But. Plain old screams and curse words, she started pulling at her hair and hitting herself in the face and freaking out all well, walking forward, she turned around and made direct eye contact with the man. He looked freaked out, turned the other, turned down the other street and jogged the fuck away. Fuck. My mom met back up with us and they proceeded home to safety.

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My mom is still a total badass and kind of an insane one at that. But, you know, fun and safe. And we love her so much for it. Thank you for everything you do. Because of the way you two of destigmatize therapy, I finally found the courage to go for the first time about two years ago, and I'm now increasing to two sessions a week.

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And then it says, woohoo, I agree. I agree with that sentiment, too. And then it's just signed fuck politeness and SS DGM.

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Wow, what an incredible tactic. Like, what a fucking brilliant. Perfect.

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Perfect. Yeah. Look look like someone they don't want to mess with because you just don't know how they'll react.

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Yeah. It's, it's really smart and good.

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Totally, you know. And I'm not going to go easy you know.

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Yes exactly. It's basically like saying you've come at me mother fucker but in the without you know, indirectly basically a little play by play of the game and it make your life hell. I'm more predictable than you are. I love it. Yeah. Love. OK, this is called Hometown Story. Oh. And then it just starts like this. I know that I'm too socially awkward to even try and write a greeting that won't end up me getting yelled at.

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Hey, easy. So just pretend I'm charming and eloquent.

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It'll work for all of us. You did it. You fucking did it. Congratulations. It's really easy to pretend because you make it easy. OK, so back in 1993, I was a six year old girl in Australia focusing on whatever six year olds focus on. Unbeknownst to me, there was a serial killer in my local area abducting, slashing and stabbing teen girls and women and killing them and their cats.

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What? Where my dad became a suspect in the investigations.

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Darryl dad had the same make and model of car seem at the abduction sites, frequented the area where the bodies were discovered and has a criminal record and then it's still not for murder and had no alibis for the times of the different murders and abductions.

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With the suspicions and the investigation and the rumour mill, it was useless trying to keep us five kids out of the loop. And my dad, spoiler alert, not the serial killer managed to get a murder groupie. One of my sister's friends, sixteen years old and an adult to me as a six year old, kept coming into our house and following my dad around and asking questions to us about him. The final straw for my mom was what was that?

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The murder groupie started to come into the house to watch my dad sleep. My mom found her standing over my dad fast asleep and staring, and my mom promptly grabbed the nearest broom and aggressively swept, chased at her feet, yelling at her and never set foot near any of us ever again for good.

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Mom was hospitalized abruptly during this time, which did not help my dad look innocent. Oh, but I and my siblings were separated, taken out of school and plonked in many different family friends homes until whatever process needed to be done was done. So he must have been a major suspect if they were taken out of the home.

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It's not good that he had the same make and model car that even though obviously this story is about that, the fact that that turned out to be a coincidence it is not good doesn't bode well. None of those things do know, really. It adds up real good. It does. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for helping me more than you'll ever know. Stay sexy and don't break into your friend's home to gawk at a sleeping murder suspect, EF.

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I mean, this was a weird enough story as it was. And if I would just like to say, and I don't mean to attack you knowing how sensitive you are and how eloquent you are, it would have been nice to hear how the dad got off. I got the person caught. Yeah, cause I got caught. Can we have a little closure for for the beginning part of the story. Then you introduce this total like random words.

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Where is she now. I don't know where she is now. I bet she's making an estimate of law enforcement or something like that. I hope the groupie or the person writing the ruby, it's almost like groupies. No, she's on drugs when she got clean. Yes.

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But then she cleaned herself up, got her life together, went to school, and now she's worshipping Christ somewhere.

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I mean, that's the look.

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She is borderline. She's basically a murderer, you know, that's writing that to full depravity.

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It's almost like the ones who who are your murdering like. And then they're like, but I wrote letters to serial killers in prison and you're like, Oh. That's not what we're doing. That's that's how you do it.

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Although but it could have been the fascination of like. Did she think she's a detective? That's what I was thinking. The shot. And she's going to figure something out. I bet she's got some Nancy Drew fantasies. Yeah. It's just that then I want to go with that so badly. You watching him sleep now takes us way the fuck over the line. And now we're in our own horrible. What is she really? And I feel a little too old for this, but what if she thought he was going to, like, make some sleeping admission?

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I killed her.

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You know what I mean?

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I mean, that would be a good alibi for her to have said, oh, this is all justified. But I love the mom. It's like no bullshit. Get the 16 year old girl get out. I'm not going to get you help. I mean, I get you get the fuck out of my house.

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I just think this is a podcast series waiting to happen. So what's sorry, who do they sign us from somewhere in Australia. Please let us know if please please fill in these gaps for us because it's all. Yeah. It could go so many different ways now truly. Is this the best story ever or is the most disturbing story ever. OK, this is just as hometown story, my friends. A few years ago I was on my way home from work when I saw a dog running loose near a busy street, being an ant, being the animal lover that I am.

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I stopped to pick her up. I knelt down and called to her and she ran full speed and jumped into my arms. Her name was Chili Pepper. I called it.

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It's my dream right now, by the way. I want to act like an animal so bad that I'm just like I'm like, please just come to in my arms someone just some stray someone, you know, you have to stress. That's true.

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You say, I want an animal say that like there you don't have to in your house probably cuddle with me.

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No, they're not on my lap because they don't understand how lucky they are and they don't appreciate what they have. Well, Mamie is her own person. I'm sorry. I called my cat's mother fuckers. I must defend my daddy is Dotty is who daddy is. Right. But Mimi, I think it's like Mimi. I was like an impacted tooth where she was always in a bad mood. Yeah. OK, ok. Chili pepper. Yeah. Her name was Chili Pepper.

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I called the number on the tag and got no answer. So I left a voicemail letting them know that I had their dog. The tag didn't have an address, so I took her home with me and till I heard back from the owner at the time I was living in my first apartment with my ex. He was at work and I was out on the shared balcony putting some plants with chili pepper. Our neighbors adult son came over and asked if he could have some laundry detergent.

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I left the door open and had him wait there while I was inside getting the detergent. He asked me if I was home alone. I instantly got creeped out. I lied and told him my boyfriend was sleeping since I actually was home alone at the time. I scooped up chili pepper and went to my family's house to wait until my ex came home. Chili Peppers owner finally gave me a call back and I was able to reunite reunite her with her family.

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Later that night, I told my ex what happened and he insisted that I was overreacting.

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Mother fucker. We went to the Megan's Law website and guess who we saw?

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She was done. He was listed as a violent rapist.

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Mm hmm.

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Good thing I knew to trust my Motorino senses and get out of there. I can't help but wonder if chili pepper being there had saved and saved.

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You know, I believe it because it's, you know, for sure.

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But like it was. Yes, yes, yes. I was picturing the way this story is told. And maybe she just didn't give chili pepper growers like chili peppers over in the corner, like chilling. So stoked to be out of traffic. It was either chili peppers going to attack the guy or chili peppers going to run out the door. And so she won't be in her house apartment alone to be attacked. But no. OK, true. Oh, sorry.

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OK, here's the here's a sense you're going to pull it together for both of us. Maybe the guy was afraid that she would attack him or bark and draw attention. She says, yeah. So that. Yeah, yeah, I'm seeing it. You're right. Chili pepper, fulker, solving all of these all these home town. We moved out shortly after the building management gave us a hard time about breaking out of lease early, but at least I knew that it would be safer than living next to a violent rapist, say sexy and pick up that runaway dog.

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They they just might save you, too, Nicole. Oh, my God, Nicole.

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I think Nicole's giving the credit away, though. We love chili pepper and God bless her. That was all Unical. It's all you. Nicole, I'm glad that you preemptively told us that he's your ex because someone who doesn't believe in gaslights your realistic fear isn't. Yes. Isn't someone you should be with. Yeah. Or if they if they're a minimize her and you go over that Megan's Law website and then you're right, you have the ultimate card to play every single time.

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They doubt you about anything, anywhere, any time do you want to get mozzarella sticks? I don't know if they're going to be good. Oh, really? Because remember the time that you didn't believe me, that the show your winner mozzarella sticks. Not good, mother. You're crazy. I had, you know what, like rustic. They just basically take string cheese and then cut it in half and fucking deep fry like it's terrible. It's the best mozzarella sticks I've ever had.

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Solves all problems, everything mozzarella sticks. We hate this guy so much because of the thing I made up that he didn't make such a dick.

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And why can't he be a foodie like everyone else to be a foodie at Applebee's through a photo, a foodie who doubts your. You should take coloring your hair at home to the next level with Madison. OK, because I deserve gorgeous professional hair color delivered right to my door, starting at just twenty two bucks, outdated at home, hair color, or the time and expense of a traditional salon.

[00:16:24]

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[00:16:54]

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[00:17:05]

That's what I am looking for. Karen, level confidence here. And we have to really say, and this is the truth, the idea that Madison Reed gets your color so accurate, it's such good hair color, it makes your hair healthy, and then they're just delivered, delivering it to you on a sweet schedule. So the second you see those routes, you're like, boom, here's my delivery.

[00:17:28]

Like, deliver this to me. And I have two colors that they go between one. And I'm like, it's too dark. And then I go lighter and I'm like, I don't like myself like this. And it's both of them are the perfect thing that I want when I constantly change my mind. It's it's really nice. Yeah, that's great. So find your perfect shade at Madis industry and our listeners get ten percent off plus free shipping on their first color kit with code murder ten.

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That's murder ten at Madison, Destry Dotcom.

[00:17:54]

Goodbye. Here we go, it's Friday hometown, sorry, dear humans and pets. Happy New Year. A long, long time ago, you asked for a secret relative discoveries. And I have been sitting on this story for a while, but I think you'll really get a kick out of it. Earlier this year, my father called me with some crazy news. He told me he received a call from a man who through DNA matching I had recently done the Ancestry.com DNA lineage thing, had discovered my father was his father, meaning I had an unknown half brother.

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I, being a mystery loving motorino and an only child, was flawed and so excited.

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After quizzing my dad for details, the story seemed to check out. My dad offered to give me contact details for this mysterious, mysterious brother, but I was on my way to work, so I had to call him later. Anyways, fast forward to a few hours later when I decided I could not wait any longer and called my dad while still at work to get the contact info.

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That's when things got weird. My dad told me the guy on the phone didn't have his own email address, but instead used his mother's weird, right? Yes. I started getting concerned that my dad was getting scammed. I asked if the man on the phone asked for money or if my dad really believed his story. He didn't have a great answer. So I decided to get the email from my dad and investigate myself. I wrote it down and took a look at the email read April Fools Day at Gmail dot com.

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Did I forget to mention this all happened on April 1st? Then it says big sigh.

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My dad is quite the jokester, so I should've seen this coming. But he really had me. My mom apologized for marrying a psychopath and the rest of my family called and berated him. I mean, he told everyone called and berated him for days after on my behalf. Can you imagine being an only child which is hard enough? And this is the funniest this is the funniest April Fool's prank. And I am completely on the dead side, entirely, not on the family.

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You'd never had a parent to play in April. If any friend called me on April Fool's Day, I'd answer the phone and be like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

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But right, dad, a parent, a it's a parent who figured out how to sign up for Gmail, which is like a miracle day. And it's hilarious to be like I was basically like a male slut. You know, you have a half brother, guess your whole mind is blown. And then he's like, ha ha. Because the little fat, it's a little like one. If you didn't like your dad would be one step too far because the promise of a disagree, the promise of a sibling, a sibling after being an only child, siblings.

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What some weirdo that you don't even know that kind of has your nose like, no, don't worry about it. It's not your house.

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You have to remove yourself. That reality was never there. Your dad just put up hilarious like like a roadrunner fucking. You know what? You're right. And you slammed right in because you don't have a sibling, but you have the funniest father on the fucking face of the earth, which is like three siblings basically. Yes.

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Your father is doing sibling shit. That's love siblings do. Yes. That's your dad saying I love you this much that I'd signed up for Gmail. And then she says, thanks for second handedly experiencing this trauma with me.

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It's not true. I say, exactly. And don't believe everything your parents tell you. Megan, Megan, don't believe everything your parents tell you on April Fool's Day. You gotta gotta be sorry, honey. It's your God. GoDaddy.

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She also just didn't have siblings to make you a little not, you know, like I don't trust anyone because my siblings fucked with me so much as a kid. So she didn't have that experience, too. You know, you're right. That's it's a difficult thing when either when you're the oldest or when you have no siblings, you go into the world like such a dipshit. Yeah, but here's the thing.

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I, I don't think Megan is young. I think Megan's been around the block a time or two and at the very least on March 31st, put an alert into your phone that says prepare to be fucked with in some way tomorrow. It's not going. Everything you read down, everything you're told, get ready, because this is the day people are allowed to do it. And your dad is a prankster. This couldn't be his first time. Absolutely absolute.

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You're right, because that was high level.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you have a half brother. You never it's sad and hilarious and wonderful.

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But I'm not that's not actually I just realized all my stories were father stories. Oh, happy Father's Day, Georgia. Thank you.

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I'm like, what day is it?

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We think it's fucking hot, like June, even though it's January. So maybe that's what it is. Eighty eight degrees in Los Angeles. It's the middle of January. This is just hometown story and it says Hisle. In 1987, I was five years.

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Celebrating some Girl Scout event at Chuck E. Cheese.

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I'm not sure how I came to learn this, but I used to slip into the ball pit and slowly I know what, slowly what and slowly move my feet over the bottom, waiting to feel lumps of tickets and prizes that had fallen out of other children.

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You are really a human being. How did I not know to do that? As a kid, you're a hero. You also have so many germs and bacteria on your face right now. But what are you that they don't care because their eyes are literally on the prize or their feet or on the prize of getting that weird stuffed animal.

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That's why I always try to be really fun to, like, clean up after a festival or like a big show. Like, I know there was a party at UCB or UCB Franklin, the comedy place, New Year's Eve. And I know the people cleaning up the fucking SAT interns found a big old bag of coke on the floor.

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Oh, fractionator. Yeah.

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So it's like this is like the kid version that was like an unopened bag of Skittles on the bottom of the bulb or just a skittle.

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You know, if I can kid with that thing in their goddamn mouth, one delicious orange.

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Skiddle here's the thing I'd like to say, and this is something I'm just discovering as we're talking it, as we're as this is the topic I grew up as we know I'm old. I grew up in the 70s and 80s, a little bit in the 80s. Biopics didn't come out until like I was a teenager who I've never been in a ball. This is and like that one that's at IKEA, where you can look through a hole and like, watch kids.

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It looks like the funniest thing in the world to me. And I've never I just think it's too late and I'm too old and no whatever. I don't know what it feels like. I don't know anything about Bilpin.

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It's like being in a pool. But you're not wet, which is like it's actually as I was saying, I'm like this. I'm saying this as if it's better than it actually, you know. But I will say, can I have so many thoughts? I didn't it's one of those things that you don't realize are invented. So like the fact that it had to be invented and wasn't when you were a kid is like, fascinating. My next thing is the fucking man we're just keeping keep adding to the exactly right party when this is over.

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But yeah, they're fucking ball pit. And one more thing. What can they get?

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You have like a traveling ball. Well, I was going to say Rachel Bloom of Crazy Ex-girlfriend fame. I followed her and got it.

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You had to get her in there, had to get her that. She just seems fun because for her husband's birthday, she taped up their office, filled it with balls because his ball pit balls because his favorite thing was a ball pit and they turned an entire room in their house into a ball pit for the part.

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How do you get into that ball without opening the door to the trash bag up to, like, block it? So they dropped in from the ceiling somehow know like it came up to your waist, you just climbed over the fence. And logistics don't matter. We'll figure this out for you.

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OK, so she's lying, but I swear. Yeah, I don't even like I've like I've been in a bouncy house because it's like, oh, I'll go in with the kids acting like I'm mad and then I get to do that. But you can't really get into a ball pit as an adult unattended. Like you can't even if you have a kid, you're not supposed you can when it's your fucking party you to.

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And then Segun, get Eric.

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Andre has like the craziest parties to where he has like the slides and shit. I bet he's had a fucking has I need an adult ball pit. Yeah. We're going to do an adult. We're going to do it for you. Here we go. Twenty twenty. Try to stop namedropping people OK.

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Oh no I was I'm not friends with Ryan. Doesn't know who I am. Eric Andre. But it was parties. He doesn't know who I am.

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Oh he will. OK, here we go.

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So we're back with this child in the bath where we let me tell you some more people I know who don't know me. What other parties have you gone to? Listen, look, listen. I never told anyone I was doing this. I would just make my way around the pit with my little eyes shifting back and forth, slightly filling my own punk with what I know it's so good.

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Sagat So on this day, I was on my secret ball pit treasure hunt when my toes felt something cold. No, no.

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My toes tickled along the object and I realized it was also really long. I reached down into the pit and pulled up in all caps, full size pair of tailor's scissors. These scissors have six inch long blade.

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Oh my God. But when I recount the memory, I like to think that as I pulled the scissors dramatically up from the pit, they made that shrink noise that happens in movies when someone unsheathes the let's do it.

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Oh, my God.

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Shrink out of the ball. Clinton got her pigtails and her then six year old that braces and she chank, once I realized what I was holding, I just yelled, Mom, she sauntered over asking what through the little net that surrounded the pit.

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When she saw the enormous blades, she yanked me out and we went over to inform the manager. I don't remember much of their conversation, but I do remember is that we went directly to eat pizza.

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The ball pit remained open and I went in again after watching the animatronics show like they happy they by the little girl client clap machine noises.

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Not one person was alarmed by this. I recently brought this up at a family party and my mom was just like, Oh yeah, you were fine, stay sexy and beware of ball pits.

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Not huge. Missed opportunity on her mother's part to get a fucking shit ton of tickets. Lawsuit. No, you're not a kid. Lawyer comes in. It's just like I declare you're guilty. Is me the top level prize? We'll do. We'll take that radio. That doesn't actually work. Well, the digital radio clock radio take what's up, GI Joe. We'll take that guy, one of those phones that are See-Through. And you could see all those colored wires that everyone will take do those.

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And I have the rest.

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I rest my case, Your Honor, not. Thank you. That was the visuals. Truly visual. Guys, you have those stories and you're like, oh, I can send that in. I can send them stupid story from child.

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Yes. Honestly, if you want to send a ball pit stories of any form, please, I would I would listen with bated breath to every ball pit story.

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Please tell me tell me what I've missed out on. Like I've honestly like longingly looked at the McDonald's playland sometimes or just like you Luckies.

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I feel like deprived is the word and you need to bring this up in therapy. Oh I think this is really what's at the center of a lot of my bullshit.

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Your bullshit.

[00:30:04]

I know it's been a while.

[00:30:07]

We ought to go down twenty, twenty one year the pun on it. We did it all right. We did it. We've done it. Thank you all so much for your wonderful slices of life. That was actually also there was a lot of really personal family stories in this. And again, we thank you for sharing of yourself truly and be yourself always, unless you're not that cool, OK?

[00:30:33]

Stay sexy and don't get murdered. Good bye, Elvis.

[00:30:38]

Do you want a cookie? Hi.