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I am currently engaged. Yes, her name is Jack and she is a kindergarten teacher. It's a beautiful relationship.

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And I'll tell you, when I knew Jack was the one, it was very early on in our relationship.

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We were sitting on the couch.

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We were watching whenever one of our other favorite shows, Dateline, and it was a classic tale of they met online murder.

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I don't know when you're in an earlier relationship and you're watching something like that, you kind of start.

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Sara, the person you're with, right? Are you like the. And we're both thinking and at the same time, we blurred out. Promise me you'll never murder me. And because it was a new relationship, I'm like, you know, I was thinking that. How much a kind. And we made a pact right then and there that we would never murder each other. So the day after we got back from our engagement trip, we were so excited to go through our photos and we break out our phone or looking at them, and we were horrified because when you're newly in love, you're just eating and eating and eating.

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Every meal was 10 courses.

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We were so in love and it showed in those photos, honestly, you would have called an ambulance had you seen these photos.

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I'd been big my whole life, so it wasn't an issue for me. Jack had always been skinny and she's like, You took me down with you. As fate would have it, I had to go to the doctor because I was going out of the country and it required that I get a typhoid shot.

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So I'm at the doctor and she walks in. She's very tall. She's like six four. And I notice that she's wearing kitten heels, which is another thing in fashion. I don't understand. I know there are levels of women shoes. You got flats which are just, you know, I have to go outside and I need a shoe.

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You got high heels, which, oh, they're so sexy, but Ali, they hurt and no woman would wear these if she weren't trying to get some day.

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And then you have these cute little baby kitten heels that are just like, well, I'm a kitten heel.

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And I just imagine ladies order and I'm going.

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I just I just want a kitten heel. I just want to be three fourths of an inch taller than the. So she is towering over me. She gives me my shot, I'm ready to get a tree because that's how shots work. You get a shot, you get a tree.

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And then she says to me, I want you to lay down and pull your shirt up and let's see what's going on around here.

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And I'm pretty sure that is not part of a typhoid shot. And she gets very stern, says, I do it, and I'm afraid she's going to scratch me with her kitten heel to lay down.

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And I pulled my shirt up and I had my dirty bra on and everything.

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If you don't know what a dirty bra is, you are currently in a very new relationship.

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You are currently experiencing the pretty broad.

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Oh, those are so delightful. They're fun and lacy and sexy. They're not a lot of material.

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They're colors like red or black.

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And it's just one giant wire. It's like a prism for your titties and put them in all of. And oh, there's so sexy, but Ali there, too. Now, once that person you're with decides you're going to be together forever, you're going to start seeing the dirty bra. And that's a whole different ball game. It's tons of material. It's like a kite cover each boob. And all the material has been tattered and torn, it looks like it's been there a war, it's got stains on it from like Kaso.

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It's colors like beige or nude, and the wires have completely disintegrated, but, oh, feel so much better. So I'm laying there in my dirty bra and the doctor's got her stethoscope. She's checking my heart. She's making a lot of concern noises.

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And then she says to me, she goes, you know, I want you to come back in two months so that we can do a full checkup to get to the bottom of this.

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And then she smacked. My beer belly. She smacked my bare belly. I don't know if you guys have ever had your belly smashed, but for me it was one of the most invasive things I'd ever experience. I would rather her stuck a finger up my butthole and told me to whistle. Rather than smack my bare belly. So this was rock bottom, I go home, I go JAG's, we got to go on a diet, I got my beer belly smack.

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She's like, I have so many questions. And I told her what happened. She's like, listen, that sucks for sure, but like, we should try to pull it together. So I began this health journey and I became a person I didn't even recognize. All of a sudden I was going to Whole Foods for like four hours and five hundred dollars later, I had meals for two days.

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I was eating like the alternative healthier versions of things like spaghetti, squash, just eating it all. Resentful, just like you ain't scaredy.

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It took me forever to order a restaurant because you have to know how everything's prepared, even my voice changed like, hey, prepare your vegetables, butter, olive oil, Jovani G and butter the dairy.

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They're like, Ma'am, this is Hooters. But it worked. I stuck to it and I'm now down 40 pounds. Can you guys believe in the belly flop, worse, doctors can just smack the fat out of a. But I felt good, I'm like, you know, I'm not that chubby little kid running through the pool anymore. I finally pulled it together, so called my dad. I'm like, Dad, you're never going to believe this.

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I am currently gluten free and my dad goes gluten free.

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Pussy, I understood that, but gluten free. Girl, you're from the south, you better eat a goddamn biscuit. But also really good. And then a few weeks ago, I was going to Toronto for a show and everyone was like, you got to go eat this fried chicken sandwich is right beside the theater. It's going to blow your mind. And I'm like, all right. Now, all the locals said, I got to do it.

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So I go to this place. It even says Canada's most famous fried chicken sandwich. I'm like, I'll be the judge of that.

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I walk in there. This sandwich is huge, it is dripping in gluten, everything I was not supposed to eat was on this sandwich.

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And, you know, some people are like nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. I'm like, fuck you. I mean, this sandwich. So I inhale this say, oh, so good, I'm like going to bed that night, it's like I have fried chicken. I'm so happy I start to sleep like a baby. I'm having the best sleep in my life. And then at some point I start having the craziest dreams I've ever had.

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It's like a movie is happening in my head.

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There's car chases, there's wars, there's I'm in the friggin Matrix.

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And at some point in my dream, I start thinking, you got to wake Jacks up.

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And I don't realize that in real life, while I'm asleep, I'm shaking my partner Jack going, wake up, wake up, wake up.

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Now, what I think is one hand just gently nudging her is actually both of my hands.

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And they are wrapped around her neck and she starts hitting me, trying to wake me up.

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She's like hitting me like this. I finally come to and I turn and I see my hands and they are choking Jags. And I go, oh, my God, I broke our pact. Because it turns out that the side effect of gluten is murder. Watch Fortune Fiester, sweet and salty on Netflix now.