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Emily, no matter what situation you're in, you can still train your mind to look for what's right rather than just focus on what's wrong, because happiness is a moral obligation.

Wrap your mind around. I just blew my mind. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by six eyes that mock our sacred bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. You're listening to sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

I'm joined by psychiatrist, brain health expert and New York Times best selling author, Dr. Daniel, to talk about how our thinking patterns shape our lives in and outside of the bedroom, we discuss the way stress affects your sexual performance, give tips to combat your automatic negative thoughts or ants and discuss Dr. Arman's new book, Your Brain is Always Listening. We also answer a question from a habitual cheater on how to break out of that cycle and discuss how aid or attention deficit disorder can get in the way of your orgasm.

Then the answer rapid fire questions, covering everything from tips for how to shower sex to first time vibrator recommendations and with Emily for each show. Join me in setting an intention. What do you want to get out of the episode? I do it. I encourage you to do it. So maybe it's. Oh yeah, I want to stop being hard on myself and control my negative thoughts. My intention is for you to recognize how your brain health could be impacting your sexual health.

All right, everyone, enjoy the show.

So we're here to talk about your new book, Your Brain is always listening to tame the hidden dragons that control your happiness, habits and hangups. I devoured this book. I saw myself in so many of these dragons. So first, let's just talk about the book and then we can talk about identifying our dragons. Tell me about.

Well, you know, I actually wrote this before the pandemic.

I was just finishing it is the pandemic started and went back and revised it because the pandemic is spawning a whole new level of dragons, breathing fire on our emotional brain.

So the idea is your brain is always listening to the dragons from the past, from the day them and other dragons, you know, it's people alive and dead that your brain is still listening to. Like, I still listen to my grandfather who died 30 years ago. I still listen.

And it's not a psychotic process, but I still hear his voice in my brain and my dad and their birth order and sibling dragons.

Your brain is always listening to your habits, what you do day in and day out. There's a whole chapter on the scheming dragons, which is it's listening to the news. It's listening to the food pushers who try to sell you cheeseburgers with half naked women. And so I really just wanted to teach people, your brain is always listening to the influences you get to control. Right.

We're both huge fans of, you know, people getting into therapy and examining their history and their background. And, you know, some people just don't want to look at, oh, my childhood was perfect or I have it all figured out. But the fact that you were able to share that your birth order had such an impact on the way your brother, your older brother bullied you or your dad, you know, you weren't the first born, so you definitely weren't, you know, the preferred child.

Like, I think that we will read your book. They're really going to see parts of themselves in all of these dragons. And it's not a bad thing either. Right? Like, we we're going to have struggles in our lives. But when you're able to kind of flip it, you know, like you were able to look at like shaming, for example, like if we report the shaming dragon about how we all have shame, but you even have to show some positive sides to it, how we cope with it.

I love that you have affirmations. I love that you have the movies that if you identify with this dragon, these are the movies you're going to watch and then you have the meditation's to help you with it. And I'm going to use this book as a guide to just flip open like I have a friend who's going through a grieving process right now. So I've been trying to help her. And I was like, OK, I literally looked at your grieving chapter and I sent it to her.

I was like, these might be some helpful information. So I really think that this is going to be such a great book for people just to have to open to whatever you're struggling with, shame or grief or judgment or, you know, all of them are in here. So it's really well done. Thank you. Great resource. Well, thank you, my friend.

It's a very personal book. But, you know, I found the older I got that those are actually more meaningful when people can relate to you as a fellow traveler along the road. And, you know, if they can get inside my head in a more real way, like my primary dragon is the abandoned, invisible and then significant dragon came from my childhood. And, you know, so I spent my whole life working to be significant. And sometimes it causes you to overwork or over attach to the work you do at the expense of important relationships.

And so if you know it, so, yes, there's an upside to that dragon. And it's caused me to do really good work for people.

But I have to be careful with that and see myself as special. And ultimately, the story turned out great because my dad was harsh. I think a lot of people have harsh fathers, but the last five years of his life, he did everything I asked him to do and got well and turned out to be my best friend.

Yeah. I mean, that's that was such a beautiful story that you were able to say. You said that I should visit my dad, I should visit my dad, and then you said I get to visit him or I want to visit him. And it's such that reframing of language that is so helpful. I often try to remember that, like, don't shoot all over yourself, you know, but I get to I get to. And so that was really helpful.

And then the other thing I want to say, going back to you sent me a dragon quiz. And I think first off, it is so well done. I enjoyed taking your quiz. And we were going to put in the show notes where people can take the quiz, but we have the. Same primary dragon, because mine is also abandoned, invisible or insignificant dragon, and then I go to the inferior or flawed dragon or these in order of our dragons, I'm the anxious dragon, but I think the should are Shamie Dragon.

And because I mean, there's so much to unpack here, like how we've both individually handled it, abandoned, invisible, insignificant.

So imagine when you're in a relationship with someone and the average number of dragons people have is six.

Oh OK. So Tanne actually has 10 Sultana.

We love Tanne.

OK, so if you have a lot it just means there's good work to do.

But imagine your dragons interacting with your partners, dragons or your children's dragon, so your own parents dragons and so it causes you to be kinder.

I had my whole executive team take the Dragon quiz, OK? And I just it just just knowing each other's dragons helped us to not wake them up, know not how not to trigger each other. Yeah.

Is there a common dragon that most people that you find like that's more predominant.

Most people know the most common dragon is the they distract the anxious dragon by are 30 percent of the population before the pandemic struggle with significant symptoms of anxiety. Now, that's more than half the population. Wow. And dragon quiz takers. It's like sixty five percent of them have the anxious dragon.

The responsible dragon is also very high. That's the co-dependent drug. It's growing up. You're worried about someone and you wanted to take care of them, but struggled. And so you end up taking care of people, but sometimes to their detriment, where you can actually create codependents when really the best strategy is helping people take care of their own life and not making them dependent on you.

I felt that the codependent dragon is a person who is always helping and they always feel drained because they've done so much for people and then they start to resent them because of that. I mean, that's a really tough one to to kind of and you have great affirmations in there for dealing with it. So you can kind of reset because it's just something that it becomes your way of being and how you get love. But ultimately, it's detrimental. Truly, I guess they all are right to the extremes of all of them.

They can cause great emotional pain. I think the most interesting of all, the Dragons actually have him with me.

It's the ancestral pride. Oh, and this is where the issues you have, they're not your issues.

You've got them from your grandmother, your great uncle or your dad, for example. Tell the story in the book of my grandfather who immigrated from the Middle East as a teenager. And when he was nineteen, his brother was killed when his car collided with a train. And my grandfather never drove. And my grandfather was angry at his sister, who loaned his brother the car. And that level of angst and anger and unhappiness and anxiety was in my grandfather before he made my dad.

So it actually was written in his epic genetic code. And as a child, I was anxious all the time. Now, yes, I have an older brother who was beating me up and wet my bed and so those didn't help. But I just have this sense that my grandfather's unresolved anxiety and grief impacted my nervous system. And I think it's really important for everybody to know their family history class.

And before my dad died last year, I spent a lot of time just talking to him about his childhood and about his mom and about his dad and and, you know, as a psychiatrist, I like doing that.

At any rate, we're talking about epigenetics, how, like each generation, they say, are certain things transfer, like I say, seven or eight generations. Like perhaps if you were had incest or rape in your family or trauma, it carries on for that many generations and so do you. So you said you spent time with your dad understanding it? I was thinking, I've got my twenty three and test sitting here. I haven't taken it yet.

Is that what we're talking about.

It's kind of understanding where you came from and then having talks with your family to understand, understand the story and just know if you're struggling with something. It might not be yours.

It might be you're carrying the burden from another generation or you may be carrying the strength from another generation because both good and bad. Good riddance in our genetic code. How do we deal with it then? So what do we how would you say we kind of work on that? Because it's not ours, but it's it's in us.

Well, owning what's yours and blessing and sending on when it's not yours is it's just free.

So I think the knowledge and there's a section in the book on how to rewrite your story because the Dragons create the stories we tell ourselves.

But you and I love to create content.

Well, you can create a different ending where you bring your attention will determine how you feel. You know, I think it's just one of the most powerful things I've ever heard. Where I focus will determine how I feel. And if I focus on being a failure or I focus on being less, then I'm going to feel bad. But I focus on where I want to go. I'm going to feel more hopeful.

It's such good advice because I spend a lot of time. I think a lot of us do. And what could have been or what's wrong or the negative thoughts, that's a big one for me, too. So that's why I call you on your aunts all the time. Automatic, negative thoughts. What helps me, too, is just having notes in my phone to you actually gave me some great new affirmations to put in. Like when I do my meditations in the morning, I often have statements that I'll say and it's there.

Such people might be hearing this and go, Oh, that's so woo woo. And then you won't be light some incense.

And yeah, I actually do want to do some of this work because if you're the only one who's left in charge programming your brain, you're the one who's saying all the negative thoughts and that's all that you're hearing all day. It would be great for you to have something just to turn to when your phone like I have a note page of just the things that you want to replace it with. And I love expanding that with writing your own story. Like, what is your reality?

Where do you want to go?

And you train your mind. And often negative thinking is a bad habit.

And it's just sort of the habit that you grew up with, the negative mom or negative dad or you didn't have the right guidance. And so you allowed your brain to go to a dark place. And then it just it your brain does what you teach you to do. And there's a whole chapter on rural section of the book on the bad habit dragons and how to rewire your brain. Negativity is one of the worst that yeah, in the hopeless and helpless dragon section.

I talk about something I love called positivity bias training. OK, I start every day with today is going to be a great day and that way your mind will start looking for what's right rather than what's wrong. And then before you go to bed at night, go what went well today and write it out. Just find three things that went well. And I love that exercise so much that I turn it every night into a treasure hunt. And so I put myself to sleep starting at the beginning of the day.

Go. So what went well today and all days for everybody is filled with good things and bad. Yes, but don't put yourself to bed with the worries because it'll mess up your dreams and it'll mess up your sleep. And so I even look for the micro moments. I figured out how to make brain healthy hot chocolate in just the first taste.

I'm so happy with myself that always one of my micro moments.

But it could be looking into his eyes. It could be having an interesting conversation with one of the kids. You know, it's the day to day stuff that you appreciate. And let me tell you how powerful this can be. So May 5th, last year, I lost my dad. And, you know, he's obviously a central figure who shows up in a lot of my books. And it was just the worst day and part of it was covered.

And when I went to bed that night, because it's my habit. So this is the point. We do things that we allow ourselves to do. And I went to bed and I said a prayer and then I went, what went well today?

And then the other part of my brain, we and we all have I actually give my mind a name, Hermès, after my raccoon when I was 16, Remy holds up a sign like, seriously, you're going to talk about what went well today. You obviously didn't love your father. You're a terrible human being. And but then because it's my habit, I went to an interaction between my mother and the police officer that quite honestly was hysterical, that even after this horrible thing happened, the police officer.

Said Mrs. Xamon, we have to do an investigation because someone died at home and she looked at him with a straight face, even though I knew she was kidding. And she said, Do you think I was having an affair? My eighty nine year old mother, do you think I had him murdered?

It was or when I remembered the hundreds of texts I got from my friends, I found out.

And then I remember sitting with him before they took him away and holding his hand. And I just remember how soft his hand was. And then I went to sleep.

So no matter what the situation you're in, you can still train your mind to look for what's right rather than just focus on what's wrong. And that's not a bad thing because happiness is a moral obligation.

Now, wrap your mind around. I just made my mind up. We lose my mind.

Moral obligation. If you've ever been raised by an unhappy mother or been around an unhappy co-worker, you know the devastation that causes. And so it is incumbent upon us to work on the negative thoughts because they're contagious. Yeah, we leak.

Wow, that's so powerful. I mean, I always say, like, pleasure is our birthright that being happy and controlling your negative thoughts is just like it's our duty. If we want to be good partners, good lovers, good citizens. Yeah.

And our sex organs work so much better when they're not stressed. I mean, you know that when you're stressed did negatively impacts blood flow and it gets us distracted. Then I'm working on a new study you'll love. Tell me on happiness and the brain. If your brain is healthy, you're way more likely to be happy. And, you know, we often you and I, when I'm on your show, we talk about blood flow and whatever is hard is good for your brain, is good for your genitals.

Well, it's good for your level of happiness that the better blood flow, especially to the front part of your brain and your emotional brain, the better blood flow, the happier you are, which I think is. Yes, interesting. So sugar is not an age of happiness because sugar lowers blood flow to the brain.

Yeah, you've helped me realize the power of movement and exercise and dance and doing other kinds of things to stimulate the blood flow in my brain. And I just look at it so differently right now. I mean everything, because it's probably been about a year, right, since we've been doing it. And it's just so we just don't think about we don't you know, you're right.

We don't think about the brain, which is sort of saying, right.

It's insane and saying because your brain controls absolutely everything you do. And when it works right, you work right. And we always think of people in four big circles. So what's the biology? That's why we looked at your brain. And if I don't look, how do I know why psychiatrists all around the world are giving people drugs without ever looking at the organ they treat no other medical documents.

That's what shocked me. And so learning how to control those negative thoughts, because even someone like myself who knows that that is probably my biggest challenge, is that I just go to the negative. My team, my staff knows this is wrong. I immediately see what's wrong. And so I have to work on that as well. But if I'm doing it to them, I know that I still do it to myself, even with meditation and journaling. But I don't think I have a habit because I know what takes how.

They say it takes 21 days to build a habit. I think sometimes for me it's about 40 days. But to have that exercise at night, even when your father died, to be able to flip it, it's so helpful. Like, I actually want to do that tonight. I want to start that for real, because I have journals everywhere. I often just don't stick with it starting new habits. So I'm wondering if someone just like hearing about this right now, like where where could they even start?

But three things. And, you know, I've been I've been working with BJ Fogg at Stanford and the persuasive tech lab on how people change.

And he's like, make it small and make it so on the top of your to do list every day just right.

Today is going to be a great day. So if you forget to say it, when your feet hit the floor in the morning, it's as soon as you're looking at something, look, today is going to be a great day. And for those of you that have children, do it at breakfast, you know, go with the kids. So why is your day going to be a great day?

That's great. Said it with your kids, too. Yeah. First thing.

And as you go through your day in Hermès, for me, when you line up with the negative signs, just go, well, is it true? If you could just keep those three words with you. Right. So these are all three second habits. Today is going to be a great day. Is it true? So I get the thought, oh, you're a bad son because you're going to look at what went right on the day your dad died.

Is that true? It's like, no, I loved my dad. Right. And he loved me. I'm not a bad son, though. It's a lie. And I want to tell myself the truth. Right. It's never really about positive thinking. For me, it's about accurate thinking, accurate thinking and habit before you go to bed. What went well today? And you'll just notice you're a better boss, you're a better partner, and you like yourself more when you are training.

And you and I both want to be physically healthy. Right. Work out. Try to eat. Right. You can't do that once, right? People who come to see me, sometimes it's like, well, if they don't feel better the first time, they don't come back because they just expect like a miracle. Right. And so I work on it every day. Every day. Why shouldn't we be working on our minds every day? If you want to be physically healthy, you have to, right.

Most of the time you want to be mentally healthy. You have to think right most of the time. And it's a practice. So if you have a diet of negative thoughts, you're going to have the consequences of that. Like if you have a diet of fast food, right. You're going to have a fast food mile. Right. God.

And you what I was thinking about is that how people sometimes say to me, oh, I tried therapy. It didn't work. But did you did you go for a year and commit every week?

Oh, I went three times. I didn't like it. So it just like people saying, yeah, I go to the gym. Yeah. Once a year you're not going to have the the abs that you want I suppose, or the health. Let's take a quick break. But when we come back, Dr. Amy and I will answer a question from Ryan who's wondering why he's had such a strong urge to cheat.

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Dr. Amen.

Will you help me answer a few emails from our listeners questions. Anything you want.

OK, I love it. All right. This is from Ryan. Hi, Dr. Emily. I've talk with a counselor before, but they only came up with ideas that I had somehow been scared of childhood or at a family member influenced me in a negative way. But the issue is I cheat mainly. I have several women. I start to sleep with the same time and then a relationship solely forms with one, but I don't end it with any of the others.

So this last time I started to see a therapist and end up working through things with my girlfriend and we got back together. It's been over a year and I haven't cheated, but it's a struggle daily. I would compare the urge to what I would imagine a drug addict would have if he went too long without a fix. I find myself yearning for more kinky stuff I don't have with my partner, but I don't want to bring it up because she gets mad that I watch porn from time to time.

I'm not sure what to do. I can give you more information if you need it. I'm trying to give you a little intro. Let me know if you can help. So this is a combination of like having the impulse to cheat an addiction. It truly is. You know, he went to a counselor who said I was scared childhood, but he's not giving him steps. And what I'm thinking about is maybe your addiction dragon or helping him with some of this powder and just thinking like, what are the small steps?

Because it's his brain that's telling him this is a struggle. I want something else. I can't have sex addictions.

And odds are I'm just thinking of this story I did with Dr. Phil on compulsive cheaters. And Hosie, who I evaluated, cheated on his wife eight times in four years that we know of, that we know about. Right.

His wife had a gun and was going to kill them. And so I made a great Dr. Phil Crane. Dr. Phil. Yeah. And so I saw Jose and he had damage to his frontal lobes and he played football in high school and college. He was mixed martial artist. He used to have a party trick of breaking beer bottles with his for like break the bottle insane.

And when we fixed his brain, he did so much better. We had all these tattoos on them. He tattooed on his forearm. Then what if I do this? Then what happens to consequences?

Because his goal was to be married. He didn't want his daughter to be raised in a broken home like he was because his dad was a cheater. So there were brain issues, there were social modeling issues, and he also had the inferior and flawed drag.

And so he used the affair to take me inferior or flawed and created the angry dragon is what.

Right. But now this was ten years ago. They're married. He's not cheating. And he went back to school and now he's a nurse anesthetist I'm so proud of.

How so with Ryan, do you think it's similar than the key? This is what is because I used to be a cheater. I don't know if I've told you this, but I've told my listeners this. I mean, like years ago I would I kept finding myself, like in my twenties. I would just cheat and I never got caught. I didn't have consequences, but I just knew I'm like, this doesn't seem right to me. I don't want to be this person.

And then I realized that for me, a lot of it was about wanting to get the attention and feel more significant or feel desired and wanted because it was just like a fix, right? Oh, this person wants me. And maybe things got hard in my relationship. So so with Ryan, I mean, it's like he's getting somewhere and I love that he's seeing a therapist, but he's kind of saying it's a daily struggle. So would you say, like, the micro change here would be are the little mini habit could be thinking about and that like what does he want?

Because he's saying he wants to get married anywhere. He wants to be in his relationship and he's gone a year so far, which is pretty good if you're. Talking about not cheating, but like, is there a practice maybe thinking of writing his story of what he wants and when your frontal lobes are sleepy, it's hard to control your impulses even though you want to.

And so first thing to do is what do you want to write down? Like if you want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship? Well, you know, cheating isn't going to get you right. So that's what your frontal lobes do. It creates goals and then it matches your behavior consistently over time to get them. And so the little haban is, does it fit? Does my behavior fit the goals I have? So now what you should do, not what somebody else thinks you should do.

Well, what do you want? And if you want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship, you cheat. You're going to blow that up because if your frontal lobes are sleeping, I will get caught.

Mine were sleepy. You told me that I was sleepy when I came to see you, but I don't think they're sleepy anymore.

So it's expensive for you and nobody knows it, right? I mean, when you're really bright, like you're really bright, you come up with all sorts of explanations about your behavior that may have nothing to do with the truth because no one's ever looked at your brain. Like people with sleepy frontal lobes can be drama driven, excitement seeking, negative seeking. I think maybe we talked about that.

I never thought of it that way, that the negative was like, I have to beat myself up to get myself to do something. And it never made sense to me why why couldn't I just be nice to myself? But it's because it was an intense reaction. It was like it made me so I was making myself so caught up in it that I had to act.

And that's so common with kids who have ADHD if they have a bad morning at home, which means mom moms yelling at them a lot. They have a good day at school. But if they have a good morning at home, like there's a lot of kindness and sweetness and cooperation, they often have a bad day at school. So they're actually using mom's anger is a little bit of Ritalin, and that's a bad thing.

Oh, my God. I never thought that's stunning to me. That fact that is that making that makes so much sense. You know, we've also gotten questions lately because I mentioned on the show recently that I had I've mentioned ADHD and it was like a throwaway comment. But you are also the leading, I believe, a expert in the country. I first read about your clinics in the 90s and I was like, I want to just check in and live there if you can help me with this aid.

And and so what about aid and relationships?

Are there any just like a few things we could talk about or how it comes up in like a romantic partnership is it's often the missing link to your struggles so much it's so common. And, you know, you maybe a short attention span, but not for every day. It's short attention span for regular routine, everyday thing.

How more paper, paperwork or work routine for things that are new, novel, highly stimulating, interesting or frightening people that do pay attention just fine because they have their own intrinsic dopamine.

But the short attention span for routine things, easily distracted, tend to be disorganized for time and space.

Procrastinations their middle name. They put things up, put things off, and impulsivity and sometimes restlessness. Now all of us have some of those every once in a while. People, RBD have them all the time. And in relationships initially people are drawn to them because of their spontaneity. But over time, the unpredictability grates on them. And I must say this five times leads to my patients. Please don't say everything you think.

It's all you. It just gets out.

Staff is supervised, supervised. Don't say because I don't want to forget. So here's everything. Yeah, right. Right.

And it's always good to filter it with.

Will this bring me closer to my partner or will it hurt my partner.

So having a filter is a good thing when it comes to sex. This is very healthy.

We talk about this, but after I treat women for aid, when they come back, they have this smile on their face. And I know what it means. It means they can have an orgasm as women with untreated AIDS. What does an orgasm require? It requires focus. You have to pay attention to the feeling long enough to make it happen.

But if your brain is all over the place and many people. What they did are hypersensitive to the environment, their senses are heightened, so they were too much, they see too much, they feel too much.

My first wife had a TV and I just thought you didn't like me.

I mean, I don't think she really that much, but it was really hard.

And many of the women, they have to sleep with white noise. I do. Yeah. Always the winner, the fan yelling white noise.

And even when I'm home, there's no me. I listen, I have my headphones on even when I'm reading at home. And there's no one here like I have to block out everything to focus. Yeah. So classic incenses like I can't wear wool. Like if anything it's just me or racey uncomfortable since I was like five and like mom take off the tags, you know, every day because they're just from the time they were little they were taking their clothes off.

Yes. You know, seams would bother them. And then when we treat them, you know, with a little bit of a stimulant, they can focus and their sex lives are better.

That's happened to me. Exactly. I couldn't focus here like, oh, that feels good. But look who's someone coming in the door. What is it? So do I. It's true. It is focused. I thought you were into also letting go, but we're pretty good at it because that's also a great ingredient to orgasm. But focus being able to breath my breath is so important for for for me, for orgasm and for everything. It sort of redirects when I remember to take a deep breath just sort of stops my thoughts.

So there's a specific breathing pattern I want you to try. OK, three seconds in. Hold it for a second. Six seconds out, so big brother. Called it. And then six seconds out. And hold it up for a second. Repeat that 10 times, it'll reset your nervous system. Do that just a couple of times a day. Like nothing we have talked about is more than two minutes max.

And that breathing pattern will trigger a relaxation response.

I already felt that and I know it. I've taken breath classes, but that already helped me because we just don't know how to breathe correctly. So I don't I know I'm like a shallow breather. I try to breathe in the water. That was very helpful. And that helps with with everything. I think even before you have sex, are you with your partner, before you have sex or when you're kind of a conversation with someone if you breathe together?

I've done that with partners.

Sometimes just kind of it resets and it helps to be intentional. Your brain is always listening. It helps to be intentional, to guide your brain rather than to let it be a victim of our crazy current society.

Dr. Daniel, amen. Thank you so much for being here. I always feel wiser, more grounded, better, smarter after you're on the show. So thank you so much. Thank you for being here. For my listeners, for being my doctor and so many others. Your Brain is Always Listening is your latest book and everyone should get it. We're going to put it a link in the show notes. And also everyone should take the Dragon Quiz.

We're going to put that in there as well. No, your Dragons Dotcom, thank you for being here. Thank you, my friend.

After the break, I'm answering your rapid fire questions. Stay with me. Do you hate being told what to do? Well, there's a new podcast that I'm excited about. It's the No Fucks given podcast with Sarah. You've probably heard of her. She's The New York Times best selling author behind books like The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving Up and Get Your Shit Together. They call her the anti guru because of her no B.S. approach to self-help. And now she's giving amazing, hilarious advice on her podcast.

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All right, let's do some rapid fire questions where I answer as many of your questions I can in the shortest amount of time, how to ask your partner to trim down there very carefully.

You can just be talking about it outside the bedrooms. I've thought about how hard it would be to shave you. Would you be down if I did that? How to help with razor burn on your private parts tips and not feel insecure about them? Well, first off, apply cold washcloth to reduce itching and swelling. The next time before you shave, you can expose and be sure to use a fresh razor and to moisturize, but also insecure. Listen, bumps happen.

We have weird things that happen on our body. And if you're not insecure about it, I'm telling you, your partner is not going to care either. I don't know. I just say keep going and that's what happens. You're shaving for yourself and your partner. And if they're not cool with the bumps, then maybe they're not your person. I'd be with my man for over a year and now sex kind of hurts. Listen, a lot of women have paid 80 percent have pain during sex at some point in their life.

So I would examine is it certain times a month? Because sometimes it could be when you're ovulating, if it's really painful to have anything inside of you, I would try to see a pelvic floor physical therapist and pay attention to markdown when the pain happens. Check that out. We also have great episodes with Heather Jeffcoat about pain and sex. You'll love it.

Why do I last longer with certain girls compared to others?

Well, it could be anxiety. It could be a connection. Maybe the closer you feel to someone and the more you trust someone, the you're likely to last longer. If it's a new partner, maybe you're nervous and you come quicker.

So I just wouldn't trip on it. Only you can answer what that is, you know. Are you drinking more with a certain person? Are you think about that. Also, remember percent quickly observing delay spray that helps you last longer in bed. We love them. Can you recommend a lubricant to people prone to UTI? Well, I recommend something with fewer ingredients. I love pure women nude. It's a form specifically for women who have sensitivities. So try those out.

Let me know. OK, I've seen a lot of talk about clitoral vibrators, tips and tricks for first time users and product racks. Well, first, check out a recent episode I did about get your master's in masturbation because that gives you a lot of tips for it. And clit vibrators. I love vibes, touch or their tangoed. Those are great first time vibes. And remember, use lube, go slow. Helps do it on your own and to go into your first time.

Masturbation are first times without the goal of orgasm, but with the goal of exploration. OK, what are the best positions for hot shower sex? Well, here's a few tips. Holding hands on your ankles so you don't fall over. So you're essentially bracing yourself. OK, think about it that way you won't fall over. And Sport Sheets has a really cool sex in the shower line, that suction cup to the wall and you can hold on to him so you will not fall.

And remember, always use lube in the shower. And it's great to use a silicone lube because it lasts longer than the water base.

What could I do to get my wife to have a lighter and more playful attitude about sex? Well, talk to her about it. Ask her what's memorable about your sex life. What is she loved, what she into? What does she fantasize about? Downloader? Yes. No, maybe. Listen, have fun playing with her. Maybe she did a time of her life where she's really anxious and it's hard for her to relax and get into sex.

I say give her a massage. Tell her that you just want to do a night of just pleasing her. Maybe you can help her get into her body. That'll help her get into sex and some more playtime. What if I ever kink and I talked about with my partner and she's totally not into it? Well, again, I recommend the yes no maybe list. What is she into downloader? Yes. No, maybe list. What does she like if she doesn't like kink?

And soon as our partners here kink and they're like, oh God, what do you mean? Are you going to do a red room of pain and tie me up to the ceiling? Maybe you could show her what you mean by kink and kind of see what she is into, because I think it's OK to say what we don't want, but what does she want? That's important.

How do I tell my partner I'm ready for the first time without freaking them out? Well, listen, before you have sex with a new partner, it's important to kind of talk about your relationship. Are you in a committed relationship? Are you going to use protection? What are they expecting? What are you expecting? I mean, I think that rather than just bringing calm and freaking them out, talk to them outside the bedroom, download my communication guide on the site.

Don't just do it in the moment. Don't spring it on him. But say, hey, I've been thinking about us and I'm ready, OK? I would fantasize about having sex with you and penetrative sex. What do you think? What are you into? If you think your partner is going to freak out, though, I definitely think you should have a conversation ahead of time so you both can consent and be looking forward to the day. Can you give examples of role play scenarios, a dialogue?

I want to try it, but I think I'll sound dumb. OK, remember this about role playing. It will be awkward. You will laugh. It is funny. Teacher, student, sexy stranger, where you meet at a bar and you have different names, just know that it's going to be funny and awkward, but you can move through it. We have a great article on our site about role playing, so check that out as well.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will to find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all at sex with Emily. If you want to ask me a question about sex, dating or relationships, you can email me feedback at Sex with Emily Dotcom or sex with Emily dot com slash.

Ask Emily and check out my website. We have so many articles on there helping you better sex and you can check out our guides at Sex with Emily dot com slash guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities. Sign up for our weekly emails because, hey, I've been told I get really good emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedback and sex with Emily Dotcom.