Thanks for listening to sex with Emily, I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm talking all about dating, how to make the apps work for you, how to figure out exactly what you're looking for in a partner and how to spot the red flags. All this and more. Thanks for listening. I thought it was odd that he had these strong feelings towards me so and so now he's got me on this holding pattern. So there's no you know, I don't hold run his love bombing.
You look into his eyes, they're the eyes of a man obsessed five, six eyes that our secret bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone. You're listening to sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, I'm taking your calls and diving into the fun but sometimes frustrating world of dating. Are you looking for some right now? Do you know what kind of person you're looking for?
Or maybe you're just stuck on these apps and you can't seem to move it into real life? Well, we don't only talk about the apps in this show. I'm going to give you some advice how to find people wherever you're at.
Are you really looking to find someone or are you more of a passive dater? Because if you want to find someone, you've got to prioritize dating. I guess it can feel like a second job sometimes, but everything that we want to happen in life takes effort, intentions with family for each show. I want to start off by setting an intention for the show. It just takes a second and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode?
It could be. I'm frustrated with dating and I'm ready to break through and find my person. Well, my intention was to give you actual tools. You need to find someone who's right for you, someone who actually sees you, loves you completely because you deserve it. And I've been talking to so many more people lately who are just spinning their wheels. They're frustrated with all the ghosting and everything going on and they keep dating the same kind of person.
It doesn't work out. So you can change that. I'm here to help. All right. Let's dive into the first call. Enjoy the show. All right, this is from Teyana, 29, New Jersey. I've come to you about an issue with dating. I've been single for about five years and I've recently dated someone who I thought would be open for a relationship. He told me he didn't want to commit and it broke my heart. I thought it would be OK with friends with benefits, but that made it even worse for me.
I've been thinking of the pros and cons about him and my ex and what kind of relationship I want in the future. I decided to go on a dating app and just put myself out there, but I hesitate to speak with them or meet them because I'm afraid of getting hurt. How can I face this fear? Oh, Tiana, I hear you.
When we go through a breakup and our heart gets broken sometimes the first time it gets broken, it just can really, really hurt. And then that it only takes one heartache sometimes to just get us off track, especially, you know, when you think it's going to go somewhere until you don't want to commit. But how you face this fear, there's a few steps that I always recommend. And you've done some of them. And that is, you know, first you you thought about the pros and cons and what kind of relationship you want in the future.
That's really, really important. Step. So good for you for doing that. But some other things that I recommend that are important are focused on, like loving yourself. It is all a journey. There's the masturbation part of self-love.
There's loving who you are today, knowing that you have all these great things to bring to a relationship, getting clear on your needs as well as important. I know you said the pros and cons, but but what are your needs? What's important to you in a relationship like you want to be seen? OK, that's a really important one for me. I want to date someone who gets me, who knows me, like where I feel seen. I can't even think of a better way to say that.
But I've dating people. I'm just like I feel so seeing they notice the little things.
They show up and they pay attention. They participate in communication. They they show up when you need them. That's not I don't date assholes. I don't date people who don't care about me, you know. But in the past, I think a lot of us have dated people like that. But, you know, I think the idea a few people that like that that weren't that don't work, I hope. And then you were like, oh, actually, I deserve better, but so does the more time we take.
It could be a lot harder to get out there. So just recognize right now that you don't have to go right into a serious relationship right now.
So what I recommend that you do is try to go on a little mini date, meet someone for coffee. You're already on the dating app. It's just a matter of facing that and saying I'm going to try right now because I love myself enough and I care about myself enough to face this fear.
And once you do it, you're going to say, what was I waiting for? You're going to realize there's a lot of great people out there and you already were hurt. The worst thing did happen. You're still here. And I promise you that you're stronger because of it. Just because you go out with him doesn't mean it's a relationship, doesn't mean that you're walking down the aisle. It just means that you're going to it's exercising a muscle.
You know, dating is a muscle. And if we don't exercise that muscle, it gets a lot harder. It's like going to the gym, you know, lifting weights every few times a week. It feels great. And then we stop for a few months and it's really hard to get back out there. Well, you've waited five years, and so if you could take baby steps, you'd have to go back to the gym and start lifting the same weight you were lifting before.
You're going to go back out there and get into a long term relationship right away, but you're going to start seeing what it feels like to meet new people and to be in your body again and just feel like a woman that, you know, is hot and ready to date and who's fabulous person who deserves a lot of love and connection like we all do.
So it could be a date. It could be a coffee date, but practice it and then you're going to see that you can take that power back and you can face your fear because fear is only false evidence appearing real. Don't go anywhere. We've got so much more to talk about after this break.
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Let's talk to Mark 40 in Texas. Hi, Mark, what's going on?
Hi, First-Time Caller, long-Time listener. Thanks for your welcome. So here's the thing. It seems like I'm on these apps and I made some nice people, but to me, it seems like it should be reciprocal. I mean, I realize there's always a change factor and the guys are usually, you know, token with that to be the one the pursuers, if you will. But I don't know where it goes from pursuing to them. Not interested.
And it seems like I go on a lot of dates and then it's like I'm always like, what's next? I mean, not even trying to say take it to a different level, but it's just like I don't want to be left unread or have the phone calls and come back and say women don't. So it's like, how does that get, you know, like a it's a great question. So give me a specific example of what you're experiencing.
Like, walk me through what you go on one date and then what happens. You don't hear from them or you doesn't get their multiple conversations.
They're text messaging, there's phone calls, they're set up for another date. And then after that initial contact, it's kind of like, OK, I even have the conversation with them. Or it's like all interest is dead. And I'm like, hey, I get it. If it doesn't click, it doesn't click. We'll move on. No big deal. But then it's like, oh, no, I've just been busy. And then it's back to I wouldn't even say ghosting, but it's more like it's like they're always coming.
We have we have a name for it's called Bread Crumbing when they just give you enough to keep you hooked back up and have this happen with you. Like, is this like it happened three times or is it happened like a lot over the last six months?
Got I know I say probably four dates with two different women in both in the same way.
OK, so you're just like creating a story now that that el dating is hard and everyone sucks and you're never going to find someone. And the reason why these experiences have just it just takes one or two people ghosting and not returning our our sentiments because rejection is so hard. It's literally one of the most challenging human conditions. So when we feel it, it feels so much larger than it takes up so much more weight than other conditions. So I say you're just getting back out there.
It's a muscle. Not every situation is going to be like that to women in Texas. But do you know how many women are in Texas that would love to be with Mark, who actually wants to be in a relationship right now, who's like a good guy, wants to follow through and doesn't want to put up for bullshit? You just haven't found him yet. And I wouldn't paint a picture that this is that this is the state of the world right now.
I mean, yes, people who we've been bred coming and ghosting, I think there is a there is a middle ground. There's a between saying like, OK, are you anywhere? Because all these people are ghosty me. Just tell me and saying, I like you and I'm ah, you know, I think we should do this again. How about, you know, make it and then ask them out and then just say, you know, somewhere fun or plan a date or say something.
And then if you don't hear from them, I mean like cut it, don't even spend time thinking about it and move on to the next. So make the offer. Be specific. I love when a guy texted me or calls me with a plan, he's like, I got tickets to this thing or I want to go for a walk here. There's this really cool thing I want to see. Had a great time with you. What do you say?
And also, OK, I have to make Texas a little bit different because you're saying is there still this expectation that I have to put out the entire all the effort? Is that what you're saying? I'm trying to understand your question here, because I just made a joke about that.
That's saying if you can't have me at my words, you don't deserve me. And I guess I'm like saying that's that's OK. I'm willing to accept those standards. But I didn't think that it should be some sort of reciprocation. If you're not interested, by all means, don't be interested. But if you are interested, I means you've got to have something.
There needs to be something there that you went on two dates or four dates with two women in four days and they ghosted and then then they were weren't interested. But to me, there's this isn't correlate with what you're saying is make an effort. You asked. I mean, listen, you asked them out twice.
I usually like guys ask me, OK, maybe I should change this. It's twenty twenty. But sometimes I have guys ask me out twice before maybe I say not even consciously, but that is the way the world traditionally has been that you know, men make the offer. I would love that to change. But maybe they realized they weren't as interested right now. Who knows. But that doesn't mean that you won't find a woman who says, yeah, Marc, let's let's make a plan next.
You want to come to my house one night or I'll make you dinner. Those women are out there, so keep going and then keep your eyes open because the more you date, it's a it's a learning curve. You start to learn about yourself. It's like everything dating is. Skill set, it's not just something we're all naturally like, we all know how to date and we all know our own aptitude, you know, it's like you have to practice it.
So keep going out there and then you'll start to learn, oh, this kind of person is I can tell already. This is a pattern of when the women who say who don't commit to me, you know, this is what it means and you try to recognize behavioral patterns, then the guy thing that they reject you like, that's like they did you a favor onto the next. But you get to learn from all of these experiences. So that's what I believe.
And the sooner we can not obsess about why things didn't work and what happened to us, because you knew them for three hours and they've taken up maybe, you know, 10 hours, maybe ten hours of working or we're talking about now. Let's think about what you're going to do next. Who's the next person you're going to swipe by? Maybe there's another app to try. Bumbo, the women have to make the first move.
A lot of people love hinge right now. You know, there's a lot and just if you've got the time right now, just kind of craft it and get more specific and then you'll develop the mark way of dating that makes you feel that you are giving, but also receiving from women who deserve you and your time.
Well, thank you. I appreciate it. Of course, Mark, keep me posted. Call me back next week. Don't let this stuff stop you guys. You just dating isn't easy. It's not easy to find a partner, you know, especially now you can't really see people. It's a whole thing. But anything that's worth having takes effort and time and focus. You just don't get lucky and randomly or something. We're lucky randomly. We all.
But right now the dating apps are exploding. There are more and more people who are dating online for the very first time than ever.
So I think that's good news. That is good news. You just got to put up with some bullshit. You got to deal with a lot of people ghosting and a lot of people who are not. What you thought don't look like their picture, but you will find your person when you prioritize it, change your behavior, make the time. This is from Stephanie, I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now, and I feel like he secretly watches porn to get hard.
I'm not sure if he still gets turned on by me, and it's made me feel as if he's attracted to me, does him watching porn make our sex less enjoyable? I also feel like I want to have sex a lot of the time, but I can't find a way to satisfy myself effectively. Please advise what I should do it if this is normal, should I be worried porn is a whole conversation. I understand that feeling and she doesn't say how old she is.
But there is a certain feeling that if we find out our partner watches porn or it's a secret thing, I mean, that's a problem that I think we should just make the assumption that we're all sort of watching porn first off. And why do we have to keep it a secret? It's because I think a lot of times we get judgment from our partners. And I was that person. I used to think that if my partner was watching porn meant that he wasn't attracted to me more.
I'm like, of course, he wants me to look like the woman in the porn. And that means that I'm not attractive. And it was so confusing. But there's like a learning curve here. Does him watching porn make our sex? I don't think that him watching porn is making it less enjoyable. What I'm concerned about is your enjoyment. You're saying that you wanna have sex all the time, but you can't find a way to satisfy yourself effectively.
Do you know this is and this, I think is the real part of the question here is that how you satisfy yourself effectively is to practice satisfying yourself. So if he's watching porn, are you masturbating or are you figuring out it feels good to maybe you should watch porn. People watch porn. It doesn't mean that they what he wants to be with. I didn't understand at the point when I was 22 years old, I made these assumptions that that's what it meant.
But it doesn't mean that because people are going to watch porn in relationships and out of relationships, it's part of actually being sexually healthy, is masturbating. I think it's important that we all feel comfortable masturbating. I feel like I don't have to tell men that as often men are usually like, I'm good, I got this. But with women, there's still some shame. Or maybe it's just we don't have experience masturbating because it's not modeled as heavily in society.
You know, male masturbation is like glorified in many ways, like, oh, of course he's going to masturbate. But women, we're not supposed to touch ourselves. But that's what I would love to see, is more of a celebration of it. So you feel more comfortable, Stephanie? So I would say, first off, you don't need to be worried. What I'm concerned with is you figuring out what feels good to you and don't expect that it's just going to come to penetration, because in this email, it's very it seems like it's very focused on your partner and what he's doing.
And then your second question was, how do I get turned out or how do I get satisfied? Now, if you are masturbating, you are having orgasms, then you got to have talk with him and say, this is what this is what turns me on because our partners are not mind readers. That's another mistake that a lot of us fake. We're like, well, I thought you would know. She should have known that I want this.
He should have known how to make me orgasm. How would he know? How does she know what you like?
Everyone's different. You know, a lot of people assume that every partner wants the same thing. Like I'm great at oral sex. My last partner loved this move.
Well, guess what? Your current partner, we can assume they like this move count. So remember, you got to have these conversations and the sooner you do, the less suffering, more dating and relationship advice after this break.
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Remember the first time you listen to the show? You probably didn't know what to expect, does it? The first time I walk into a Good Vibrations store in San Francisco, I was twenty one years old, curious, new to the town. And the first thing they said to me was, let's talk about your orgasms. I felt my world expand, but no one had ever asked me that before. And by the way, I hadn't had one.
That's why I was there. I walked out with my first vibrator and a new found comfort for talking about sex and, well, the rest is history. It was the first story I ever trusted with my pleasure, and I still do. And like me, they test everything for you in advance. You've probably heard the shows with my friend Coyote. Well, she's in charge of deciding what they sell and what they don't. I like to call her the surgeon general sex toys she approves.
No, it's a good product. Good Vibrations as beautiful shops all over the country. An amazing website. And they're the experts behind my online store shop with Emily. So before you buy something as personal as a sex toy, check in with Good Vibrations. Go to sex with Emily dot com Good Vibrations that sex with them. Good Vibrations. Let's talk to Daniel, 47, in New Jersey. Hey, Emily, how are you? Good, good, good, good.
Daniel. No, I listen to you all the time and yeah, I kind of was just I don't know, I listened to you for so long. I thought to myself, I don't know, maybe Emily can help. So I figured I'd ask. Yes, of course. I got I got tired of so I got tired of the apps and I felt like the social apps for the gay community. And then I started putting myself out there more at like community events, you know, as far as like their community events or life events or events or like just sort of putting myself out there.
And then covid happened, so I kind of got myself back up, back on the up again. So now I'm kind of back and then I said I was watching Group Drag Race the other day in Vegas.
But anyway, of course, what else you there? Yeah. So they took the tinder having this habit. It's like, go on Tinder. If you want to look for a relationship and then go on Grindr if you want sex. So I decided, oh well, maybe I'll try Tinder. I mean, it's maybe it's more beneficial. So I tried it. And I have to be honest with you, I've had some really solid good conversation. Goes twice for a date.
This is a good one right now. Ghosting is on the rise and the apps are on the rise. I keep reading about all these sites like everyone's ghosting and bread crumbing, you know, leaving little bits just to keep you interested enough.
Well, there's good and bad to this because there are more people on the apps right now.
Every day I'm reading a story about everyone's apps, but maybe just not for you right now.
And I don't know what the socializing is right now in New Jersey with covid, but I would recommend that, yeah, you could stay on the apps and do your thing.
I don't I don't believe that one's more this and one's more that. I think you find your people wherever you go.
So I'll say that. But also, here's another exercise for the weekend. Let people know that you're single people like friends of yours that maybe don't know that you're looking. Say yes to something this weekend. That was a no for you. I mean, are people having parties or barbecues or is there something, even if it's a something that you can go to that you wouldn't normally? Because that's like bringing it back, right. You're forty seven. You remember before we had apps, how did you meet people.
And and so well there are, you know, clubs and things like that. Well outdoor things are open now.
New Jersey's like very, very, very limited still. I mean our governor has been pretty strict about he's allow with. So we only just opened indoor dining and but bars and bars and clubs and things like that are still not OK. That was to my normal. Yeah. That would be my normal. Right. That's what I grew into because I grew out what I felt. I grew out of the arts so I felt like tinder's been a little bit more of an adult kind of.
There have been more solid conversations, even though I was ghosted twice, but I mean, there have been more solid conversations, I even thought about eHarmony. Have you ever heard me sing about.
Yeah, many people love eHarmony. It's been around a long time.
It's one of the first things I've tried to match and I've tried match in the past. And it just keeps marching with the same guys over and over and over again. It just wasn't really good.
Did you face time with or did you video chat or face time with them first? By chance?
You make a good point. You know, maybe that would be more of a better effort. I mean, to be honest with you, one I got and I'm like, excuse my language, but fuck him, I'm going to dinner anyway. I'm going to join myself. So I did. Yeah, but, you know, I don't, you know, but yeah. Maybe it's. Do the video everyone's doing and now it's not even weird, I mean, dating.
Listen, I won't I had a a date with some guy look on Zoome. I met him and it was like a fix up, but it was so it was so much better than texting back and forth. I have no time for that. And so we actually had a drink on Zoome and we talked. And I think first off, you're less like a ghost. You're more likely to actually feel know if you're going to like this person or not.
And then if you should actually riskier to go for a hike or go for what you were NewJersey, go for walk with them and and you could do it.
You could go for a walk this weekend. You take your mask, do a distance walk and just I would just insist on it. And it's not even that like all these apps have also put in these video features where you can easily chat with someone.
So because I hear you painting this story now, like everyone's boasting and there's no one on the apps, but you just got back on it.
It is a numbers game. And if you're really you sound like you're really ready to meet someone. And the people that I know who have met long term had long term success of the apps are my friends who were kind of obsessive about it. They were going on a bunch of dates. They were they were following through and they met people.
I, I don't like this. I go on the apps for like a week and I'm like, I can't this is like a while, but I can't I I'm not going with you, you know, I know myself, but if I was committed like anything in life, you'll find that person. And not only that, you'll really start to learn more about yourself.
So you want to say that I love the idea of like the video because I just I feel like it puts a little bit more ownership in an actual meat. So, you know, as opposed to getting toasted, trying to make it to dinner or coffee or something like that. But but on the side, no, I just want to let you know, the main reason why I like to listen to you is because I'm I'm actually involved in the biggest community, LGBTQ, which is actually better known as the leather and kink community.
So, yeah. So that's why I like to listen to lots of a lot of the things, even though you it's mostly male, female and heterosexual. Right. Yeah. There's you can apply to, you know, any kind of relationship or go so to because I want you want it all to feel good.
Everyone if possible.
Yeah. No I appreciate that too.
You know, keep me posted on how the dating goes. I want to hear about the video calls now. I'm, I'm invested now in your future. So glad you called. And it was really nice talking to you. Thanks for calling back. Enjoy the weekend. Good bye, Daniel. Thank you. We'll be right back.
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Mary's client, she's also calling it about dating Mary, 55, in Illinois. Hi, Mary, what's going on? Hi, good evening.
This is my first time calling in ever. And I appreciate you taking, but I appreciate you taking my call. And I'm glad that you are talking about dating. I'm a single mom. I've been divorced for five years and just very frustrated with finding or meeting men in my age group who wants a committed relationship. It's just very frustrating. It feels like they're still out there in their mid to late 50s wanting to play the field. You know, and I met somebody through a friend.
I did the online dating thing a few years ago. I didn't really work out for me. And so I was very happy to be introduced to this gentleman. And he goes to be back in February. He goes with me for a couple of months. I didn't even know what GhostTown was right. And so anyway, he goes with me and then he called me back a couple of months later. And, you know, the pandemic had just started.
So we did the video chat and got to know each other through phone calls prior to him ghosting me. We probably dated for maybe three weeks or so. Nothing much once a week, you know. And so then once the restrictions were lifted, we we had a wonderful time. We we dated we went out to dinners. We went on a couple of road trips. We introduced our children to each other. I have a son. He has a son, you know, and everything was going great.
He was mentoring my son to some degree because I was on in college and and the sex was good. You know, I'm going through menopause. And so I listened to you yesterday. And so some of the topics talked about really hit home with me. So I was doing what I needed to do to get my health in that whole arena back on track. And I thought things were going well. He told me he loved me, blah, blah, blah.
And then I noticed different things. And I asked him, you know, what if I say something, did I do something? And he said, no, no, no, I'm just processing. But he didn't really want to tell me where he was processing and this went on for about two or three weeks when I noticed this physical distancing, which was helpful to me, you know, I just felt like I was making an effort, but I was being fully pushed away.
And then he eventually told me, and I don't believe this to be true because it was never an issue before. His religious beliefs is questioned and so am I. But did you know he just felt that he's not practicing what he preaches because he you know, he counsels young people in the church, blah, blah, blah, in terms of abstinence. And I said, well, you know, I'm OK with that. It's not a deal breaker for me.
I'm totally OK with that. And I was but that didn't seem to make a difference. And I for the first time heard the term bread crumbing today. And I believe that that is what I believe. That's what he is doing to me, because his last comment to me was to be patient, you know, just be patient. And so I feel like he's got his cake and he wants to eat it, too.
He's got me in the way with Mary Lilongwe, with this guy. How long we met? We met back in February at the end of January. And then, like I said, he goes to me. But we really started dating, like in person dating, I would say, in June three months.
And he goes, did you win? And he said he loved you and you met each other's kids. Yeah. This move really fast. This is really fast marriage.
And I also I told him that, too. I said, you know, let's let's let things happen organically because I went through a very contentious divorce. And so I'm very cautious, you know, about moving into things. And I I thought it was odd that he was feeling had these strong feelings towards me. So and so now he's got me on this holding pattern.
So, you know, I don't don't hold, don't hold, run. He's love bombing you. This is what happens. It feels so good when somebody pours on all that love and attention and adoration at the beginning of a relationship.
And it feels so good to be loved and desired again, because we haven't had in a while, especially you coming off a really bad divorce. And so even though we know in our head your 55 year old woman, I get we've been we've been around. We're not new at this stuff. It feels good. And we're like, well, maybe this is different, but whatever moves that he can't possibly know you yet and trust your gut.
This is where women are intuition like you knew something was a little bit off, but it felt so good. Right. So I would say he's doing you a favor now. This is the first guy you've been with since your divorce. No luck and it's been three months. And how did you.
I have when I asked him why he goes with me and this is what I think is is really quite telling. He told me that he ghost of me and he told the friend who introduced us that he ghosted me because I was keeping him in the friend zone. And I thought, well, first of all, I've only been seeing you for three weeks. I'm certainly not going to throw myself at you. I'm a respectable woman and I'm killing myself.
You know, I hold myself to certain standards. And so he apparently goes to me because I was keeping him in the friendzone, although I don't think I was. And so I think it's really ironic now how months later he's still my ghosting me, if you want to call it that, because all of a sudden his religious values and his religious beliefs have come into play and back up back up to the first three weeks you were together.
You got feedback that he said that you were putting me in the friend zone and then you clearly got out of the friend zone, started dating, and then three months later, now he's just following me twice so far.
So I guess this should be a lesson.
Delete his number, delete his number. Your life is better without him. He has shown you who he is and believe him.
Yeah, he's not even met a woman like me my age do to me men. I mean, I dated someone who was younger and who was far more mature than some of these 50 something year old that I've been meet. How'd you meet the younger guy? I just showed up at the gym. Right now you can't go to the goddamn gym.
And I yeah, actually, I met him at the gym and it was a long relationship, lasted for quite some time. But I just find it really hard. I don't want to date a younger man. I want to date no one in my phase of life, you know, have you let everybody know that you're single?
Have you told all your friends, your neighbors, your employees, random people that you trust, that they love to go?
But have you said to them specifically, hey, if you if you ever really want I'm actually looking right now and, you know, the crazy time in. So it's a little bit hard to give you. If you happen to meet anybody, please think of me and let me know this is what I'm looking for. You can't expect people to be thinking of you, and I actually said this to a friend of mine last November and she fixed me up with two awesome people this year.
They didn't work out, but they were fabulous. I was like, it's Gionfriddo. She calls into the show all the time. She's the psychological astrologer. And honestly, I so appreciate it. I said to her, I said, you know, she goes, What's your dating life? I said, you know, if you know anyone. And so now she thinks of me. Today, I talk to her about something else. She says, I have two guys for you.
So all I'm saying is we have to do something outside of our comfort zone. Maybe that's not comfortable for you. You know, go on Facebook, you're probably on Facebook. Are you invited to any events that you would normally not go to say yes to those? Is there an outdoor something this weekend? Is there a meetup, if you like to bike ride or hiker do volunteer?
There's these, you know, meet up dot org. I think it is. And there's an app for everything.
Go to in-person meetings, volunteer, get out the vote. You know, do do something that you're super passionate about right now that's a little bit outside your box, like get out of your comfort zone, because if you keep moving in the same grooves of your life every single day, you're not going to make space for new people to come in. So aside from the apps, that's how you're going to meet people, is making an effort to carve out space for that person.
And then you'll find I just feel I have more years behind me than I'm moving forward. So I want to make the second half of my life even better than the first. Then I just feel like time is passing me by. And for a woman, I mean, speaking for myself here, I feel like my marketability, marketability is dwindling as I'm getting older because it seems like these guys my age are looking for young.
Not true. See, that's a story you started with. Mary, I'm going to stop you there. That is a limiting belief and that does not serve you, nor is that true. Many guys in your age group wanted younger women are available their players, but many aren't. And getting older women calling in in the thirties, you can't find anyone. It's not like this is a belief about age. And we can't we can't take along that. You have a choice.
And you could say, I'm going to find someone at this point in life and I deserve it. You're going to go home when we hang up, right? Are you going to write in your journal all the things that you wanted? A partner that gets specific, specific. Like, I want somebody who who loves to drive because I hate driving.
I want somebody who loves music because I like, you know, write it down, get it in your soul, feel that person. What are you going to do with them? What kind of activities are you going to do? How are they going to make you feel when you're together? Picture that person, manifest that person, you know, and I mean, this stuff works. And so but in every time that belief comes in that says there's no one out there say that maybe there is someone out there, you get to choose those thoughts.
And I say choose the good ones. Choose the ones that serve you well. I believe you will find someone, but you have to believe you'll find someone.
I have to be more positive. I'm going to take your suggestions and I will when I need that someone call you back. But I'm really coming next week with this wonderful show. I will. Thank you, Connie. This assignment for the weekend.
You're welcome. Have a great night, Mary. Thanks for calling. You know, I was thinking about interesting calls tonight, you know, in a row one after the next, everything around Mary, Daniel, Mark calling in about their frustrations around dating right now and that it's really hard to find somebody. And it's funny because they all called in and it was seemingly different questions, but all three of them super frustrated with the dating landscape right now. And there's validity to that.
It is not an easy time right now. We are in a global pandemic. Everything's been shut down. There's more stress. People are worried about their health. So maybe they're not putting themselves out there as much. But the commonality was that they all feel that it's the the cards are stacked against them. They're believing this, that, you know, they're not going to find someone or everyone is one way.
I mean, every time you find yourself saying there's no one out there, everyone is like that, or I'm always going to be ghosted, I'm always going to be alone. That's what we call in the business, a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you believe something, the more you think it it becomes your reality. If we're constantly thinking about worrying about money, for example, when I go broke, I'm not going to fire. Do you think you're going to make a lot more money that you're.
If your thoughts are literally in that thinking, all these negative things, no, if you're thinking I'm not going to find everyone, even if you're doing it for a few weeks or a few months, but that's your base level, is that people aren't good or there's not enough or actually, you know what it is? It's that scarcity mentality that there's not enough. I'm not going to have enough. That is the lens in which you're going to see your life.
And being on the why we feel that way, we can go into like the conditioning.
Maybe our parents were like that. Maybe in childhood we kept getting disappointed because, you know, maybe our parents were alcoholics. And we grew up in a home where every time we got excited for something, the rug was pulled out from under us.
Right. Your dad was going to pick you up and take you to the zoo, and he didn't show up again. You were going to go on that trip with your family and something happened and you were disappointed. So as a child, what we do is we think, oh, well, I can't get excited for anything. Nothing's going to happen. And so therefore, you might get caught in this mentality that I can't get excited for things. People are going to disappoint me.
And then when you get older. You is not even conscious, but you really you think people are disappointment. I'm going to be let down because if I get excited for something, if I believe in anyone, I'm going to get my heart broken, like when dad didn't show up and take me to the zoo. It's really like that, and but you realize that that's just a conditioning, that you can sort of alter what you actually want to change your thought patterns takes effort, a lot of effort.
But I can't think of anything better to do than to reprogram rewire your brain. You know, I've been someone who has been meditating for 25 years and trying to live, you know, a seeker and on the path.
But it's still hard. You don't have to go to therapy to do it. You could start tonight by writing down what you want and think about what thoughts aren't serving me. So it's not easy to do this, but the more you focus on what you actually do want, what it looks like and what it smells like and what it tastes like and you know how it feels to be with this person, how to find that partner. You manifest that partner, it sounds like.
I hope someday a man drops down the chimney. You do the work and it starts with your beliefs. I know that I'm going to find my partner. I know it is true. I deserve it. I'm a good human. And to make sure that happens, I'm going to get really specific and all the traits I want in a partner. Did I deserve in a partner? Someone who treats me well, someone who doesn't cost me, someone who shows up, who's reliable, who's loving, who loves their mother, who gives back, who's kind, who's generous, who's authentic.
Write it all down and get specific. And then your mind thinks I'm going to find someone, I'm going to find someone and they're going to treat me really well.
And they're going to be kind and they're going to be generous and they're going to and then it all gets wrapped in, you know, and then you've truly this is how it works. You start to believe it. You sort of feel yourself with that person. And and then when you you see your friend, you don't say, oh, damn, all these people in the abstract ghosting me and they suck. You say I'm on the ups. Haven't found anyone yet, but I am.
So can't wait to meet a partner. That I can spend Friday night with, we're going to barbecue and then we're going to watch this show that's going to be an awesome partner, life partner to have rather than going together with your friends and bitching about how everyone sucks. I mean, you can do that for a little bit because we do that. But if that's how you show up thinking that nothing is going to work out for you and you'll never find that person, you're less likely to find that person if you don't believe that that person exists.
Makes sense, right? So what are you going to do to find that person? Well, that's it for today's episode. I'll see you on Friday. And thanks for listening to sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review and tell all your friends, your partners, your lovers about the show.
If it's helped you, I promise it'll help them to rerelease shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. You can also follow me on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. It's all sex with Emily. Oh, and I give a really good newsletter, sign up at Sex with Emily Dotcom. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life dating life relationships, message me on Instagram or call into my Sirius XM show Monday through Friday, five to seven p.m. Pacific, 8:00 to 10:00 Eastern.
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