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[00:00:00]

People have been asking me, so what's changed after 15 years of doing the podcast? Well, a lot has, but to be honest, the orgasm gap still remains a challenge for so many couples. You know what I'm talking about? Men tend to finish before their female partners. So you've heard me talk about it for years. The urologist developed FDA compliant spray can help men less up to 64 percent longer without loss of sensation. And because promicin is quickly absorbed into the penis, it won't transfer to your partner.

[00:00:27]

Oh, and speaking of your partner, I think we can all agree that sometimes women, even when alone, still have challenges around reaching orgasm. So now promicin has created a new female arousal gel. I love it. It's a clitoral stimulant. You can rub into a clitoris for pleasure and a lot more satisfaction during pretty much any sexual activity you can think of. So now they got Promesse and delays before him, arousal gel for her. So basically they're closing the orgasm gap on both sides.

[00:00:55]

Trust me. Try this combo. Thank me later. Seriously, right into feedback at Sex with Emily dot com and tell me how it went. I want to know. So try promising today. Go to sex with Emily. Dot com slash enhance. That's my site. Sex with Emily dot com slash n n c e today.

[00:01:15]

Boom, boom, boom, boom. This is what you say to a Volvo owner, if you're going down in or you say, babe, I'm not going anywhere. I'm about to settle in and I'm going to stay here all night. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed five, six eyes that are secret bedroom eyes. They call them into my God, you're listening to sex with Emily.

[00:01:46]

I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

[00:01:56]

All right, the holidays are in full swing, and for many, that means giving and receiving gifts. But hey, let's talk about giving and receiving gifts of pleasure. So when I say that to you, what do you think about giving someone pleasure? Maybe you're thinking about, like Aurel. It's one of my favorites. But there's other ways to please your partner. You can give them a massage, a foot rub. You can tease them, play with their nipples, maybe kiss their neck.

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Whispering in their ear or ear is also an erogenous zone.

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You can cuddle. I mean, you know, the list goes on and on. Well, that's what we're talking about in today's episode, how to give and receive pleasure, because I know some of us struggle with receiving as well. And have you ever done this performative receiving? It's when you act like you're enjoying something, but you're really not many of us are guilty of this, especially those of us with Vulvas. But don't you think we all deserve to authentically receive.

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I think we should start now. Hopefully you'll be inspired by this episode. All right. Intentions with Emily. Let's set off by setting an intention, because I feel when we do that, you really anchor into whatever it is you want to learn. It could be. I want some ways to learn how to relax and receive pleasure from my partner. Well, my intention is to help you have the most pleasurable holiday season you've ever had. All right.

[00:03:17]

Enjoy the show. A lot of us are really good at giving and we're not great at receiving, some of us receive it means we're takers, but we don't give anything. But where I for I hear from a lot of you is that it's really hard to allow ourselves just to kind of sink in and receive, even if it's a compliment or it's a gift, even if it's something you really wanted. We somehow feel we're not worthy. We're not good enough that we automatically have to give back.

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You know, I know I do that someone will say to me, you're so great, you're doing so well or something. And I say, oh, but look at you. Right. I immediately turn it towards the person. Or do you ever do this? Someone's like, I love your shirt. You're like Gardendale for 20 bucks because you want to somehow lessen the compliment or make it less than we make ourselves small metal. I do that.

[00:04:10]

I've done that. And I try to stop myself and practice the art of just saying thank you, thanks. And letting something just sort of sink in for a moment. And I know where a lot of you struggle to is receiving pleasure in the bedroom to maybe your partner wants to do something for you. Maybe they want to go down on you or they want to just give and you just feel that it's not OK, that you have to somehow, you know, they want to give to you and you just have to give back right away.

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So let's talk to Kendra. Twenty one in Los Angeles who's struggling to orgasm from oral sex. Hi, Kendra.

[00:04:43]

Hi. How are you doing this evening, Emily? Good. Thank you for calling. How can I help you?

[00:04:48]

So I have some questions about oral sex. It's just so confusing to me. I've never been able to orgasm from getting oral sex. I talk to my girlfriends about it and they're all saying, oh, yeah, that's the only time I orgasm or it's OK. And I feel like I'm missing out on something, but I just I don't really know what to do when I talk to my girlfriends, like, oh, you just haven't found the right guy.

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I know that he's doing well. Is this Prince Charming that knows what he's doing? That's such a good question.

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So the first thing is, have you had an orgasm before?

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Yes. And I do orgasm like with penetration, but just never from getting oral sex. Oh, OK.

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Well, that's pretty cool that you can orgasm from penetration. You realize that that's rare, right? It's only twenty twenty, you know, I mean it's only twenty percent of women. So do you masturbate and if you masturbate do you have an orgasm through rubbing your clitoris.

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Yeah I do have a like a womanizer that's just on the outside and like I orgasm from that. But I actually find that when I use like I think it's called like a rabbit where it has inside and outside, it's like a more intense orgasm. I like it better. Well, there you go.

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So let me tell you this, Kendra. There's a few things going on here. First off, guys, at twenty, are you with guys your age 21, 22? Yeah. OK, so let me just say this. And this is not enough. This is about years on the planet, like wisdom and experience, guys typically, and women, too.

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We they don't know how to do it as well as somebody who has more years on the planet, more years under their belt of having sex with people. Right. So and women also kind of knowing what they like and telling them what they like. So some guys are just kind of, you know, shoot in the dark. We were actually talking for the show. Ovie was telling me that she has a friend who was like Motorboating or her lover like you put down on her Auvers.

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Your agency was like that, like going back and forth.

[00:06:43]

It's like, no, that's not what you do. So so I would say part of it is. Yeah. You haven't found your Prince Charming of all yet. So what I found and I don't want to give you like I believe it's probably somebody who has it who might not know and they might need your direction because a lot of guys go in really fast. They don't warm it up. They don't tease you. They just kind of go right for the clitoris.

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But it sounds like for you that maybe there's a little bit of warm up. Maybe they would have to put a finger inside as well as tissue on the outside, use their tongue on the outside. There's some women that this is a truism that are able to orgasm internally. They find that their clitoris is more sensitive and that oral sex doesn't feel as good to them. But I don't know if you're that person because it's not that you're not saying it doesn't feel good like it does.

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It hurts, right. It's not too sensitive.

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It feels good. I just feel like I'm nowhere near finished.

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OK, so part of it is because you don't have experience with it, right? You don't have you've never had the experience. So it's a first time thing. And so I would say that it's a matter of telling them to slow down. Another great tip is that this Kevin method that we talk about on the show, are you with a partner right now? Are you with a diva boyfriend? I'm not.

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And I think that part of the reason I kind of like want to figure this out is because I don't have, like, a boyfriend right now. And, like, I'd want to hook up with people, but I wouldn't necessarily want to have sex. And so I was like, well, I'm not really getting much out of this. We're not having sex. Exactly.

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Well, I like that. I really like that. You know that. Because then a lot of young women are like, oh, I'm not going to give a blowjob. That's. Not sex, you should have an orgasm, so you could even tell them if you if it's with somebody that that you're experimenting.

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And then you could also tell about the Kevin method is a method of oral where you're and you can go to our website Sex Without Money Dotcom. But it's called the Kevin Method covid. And it's when your partner goes left like it's going side to side, like from side to thigh.

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And because that way you are reaching more nerve endings. You're not going up and down like he's not licking from, like, toad ahead. It's Thida side. So you're reaching, you know, more nerve endings and then their tongue is moving like they lie perpendicular. It's a matter of when guys ask, you just say, I'm kind of trying to figure it out right now. I don't think it's shameful that you haven't had a lot of pleasure that way.

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You could just say, like, show them with your, you know, how you like to be touched. So another thing is guiding them with your hand. And maybe next time you're masturbating, use a mirror, look at your fingers in the kind of look and like, where do I like this touch? And again, since you're somebody who likes who can have an orgasm through penetration, it might mean that you also need a finger inside and their mouth.

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So all I'm saying is there's nothing wrong with you, but they probably don't know and you haven't experienced it. So just be patient and try to guide them.

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Yeah, I think it's tough to just work with guys my age. They don't understand that it takes a while.

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Yeah. They think it takes like three seconds because they look at porn and that's what it takes. But it's a it could take so long. Here's the thing, Kendra. There's something called the orgasm gap. Most men can orgasm in six to ten minutes and women take about 20 to 40 minutes to have an orgasm and a really good oral sex with the guy going down on. You can take about 30 minutes. So they have to settle in. It's not just a drive by that's absolutely never settled in for that long.

[00:10:07]

So that's good advice. Yeah, that's true.

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We think it just happened in three minutes and then we think we're looking at the clock going, oh my God, it's been five minutes now. And then we're like, it's OK, but it takes time. So those are some of my best tips there for you. Kendra, just.

[00:10:21]

Yeah, I don't really I said I'm pretty confident in the bedroom and like, willing to tell people what I want, but I just didn't really know what to ask. Well, there you go. Does that help a little bit? Yeah, a lot. Thank you. Bye. Kendra. Let me know. It goes OK. I'll be waiting to hear. Thank you. Have a good night. Bye. Kendra, you guys, this is the thing we don't know.

[00:10:39]

We don't know. So it takes a little bit of time to allow ourselves to receive. Right. We think it's taking too long. I remember staring at that clock in my boyfriend's bedroom and just like those those I have one in front of me. Those clocks that blink like the blinking red light, those little dots, and you'd be like, oh, God, I'm looking over. It's been three minutes, five minutes. I should probably orgasm by now.

[00:11:03]

Nobody orgasms after. I don't know. Maybe you do orgasm after three minutes of your partner going down you. But I always think if you're going down on me for three minutes and then you come back up and you decide we're done, it's like that did nothing. I wasn't even settled. You could have got me a glass of water. You could have walked to the kitchen, got me a glass of water, come back. And that would have been way more useful than three minutes, goddammit.

[00:11:26]

So you need a partner who's going to settle in. But it is the combination of experience and exploration and education, really. I believe that if you're in your twenties, you just haven't walked on the planet as much.

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You haven't had as much experience. You probably haven't been with a partner who knew what they wanted. I mean, I love to hear from women in their twenties who are like, yeah, I get it, I get pleasure out. I need to get better. I, I lost so many years not knowing this stuff. Your pelvic floor muscles. Don't forget about those. Those are the muscles that we do when I tell you to do your Cagle's, this is also the muscles that contract when you have an orgasm.

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So when your kiddos are Cagle's kugels, however you say it, you should do them when they're stronger. It can help you reach orgasm more effectively. That is the truth. The other thing is get acquainted with your vulva. Look at it, take a mirror, check out what's going on. When you become comfortable with your own body, then you're going to be more comfortable receiving oral sex because then you're going to look at and go, oh, wow, you know, start to touch yourself and look in the mirror and you'll see, oh, look, my my clitoris swells, my vulva, you know, my labia swelling.

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And and then you just start to learn to understand your body. And I hope from there you go into body acceptance maybe is in some body love. The other thing is make sure that you're in a comfortable environment. I mean, being comfortable is everything. So make sure that you're in a position that supports you. If you ever had someone give you oral and like your head's falling off the bed and you're not really comfortable, how are you supposed to receive in that position like having a pillow under your butt or making sure you know, your partner's, like, supporting your hips?

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Just make sure you have a good environment. The other thing, this helps for all things not just receiving oral, but, you know, relaxation techniques like inhaling and exhaling really slowly. And that helps with those distracting thoughts, too, I. Does my partner really want to be doing this, so when you inhale and exhale slowly, you'll get back into your body. So one way to do it is like a four count inhale and a four count exhale.

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That really helps me because sometimes I think I'm breathing slowly and I'm not. So when you have to count, you realize, oh, this is slowing down and it can also lower your stress levels and elevate your sex play, especially your climax. And hey, it's also OK, next tip, give your partner directions, tell them what you want. I believe that your partner wants to know why should they be guessing? So it's OK to guide their hand or have a talk about it outside the bedroom.

[00:13:58]

Another thing flavored lube. I love mieux lube. You know, I do. They have so many flavors. I'm particularly obsessed with their creme brulee. It's just delicious. But they have so many flavors. You can check it out, but it's great for giving oral if your partner wants to use it on you. When you're receiving oral, it's body safe, doesn't upset your balance and they taste delicious.

[00:14:23]

Also, you guys, you you've been hearing a lot about CBT lately, but it's excellent for calming your nerves, calming your vulva, sometimes just rubbing something on, taking a moment to make sure that you are ready to go in the mood.

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This will help you. It's awesome. Another way to enjoy receiving is to put on some music. If you play an amazing sex playlists, that could help you as well. Stay in the moment and not get distracted by noises or things that might kind of get you out of the mood. So I think that's really important. Another thing is stimulate other erogenous zones simultaneously so maybe your partner can play with your nipples and be going down on you. It's also really relaxing and it's you know, your senses are stimulating.

[00:15:07]

They can also stroke your anus, you know, play with the other hot spots. You know, why settle yourself on one. So listen, I know a lot of you worry about do I taste bad? Do I smell bad? What's going on down there? And, you know, I'll say it now. Say it again. Your vagina is like a self-cleaning oven. It's going to clean itself. But if it would make you feel better, it's OK to take a quick shower beforehand or have some wipes to freshen up, try oral sex in the shower, you know, but I think that we worry about that way more than we need to.

[00:15:37]

I'm not saying is just switching up your positions. Maybe you're, you know, lying on your stomach with your booty up or standing with one leg pressed up or maybe hovering over your partner's face. You can also try the the pillow method. Listen, if you put a pillow underneath your hips and you use a pillow to tilt your head slightly upward, that allows your legs to open just a bit more and expose more of the anus. If you want to play around there, figure out what feels good to you and then go for it.

[00:16:07]

So we've got a lot of oral sex tips on our side as well. But I just thought if you've been struggling with receiving pleasure or you haven't had the oral sex that rocked your world, try some of these. We're going take a quick break. But coming up, what to do when you're more experienced in bed than your partner? We'll be right back.

[00:16:29]

The other day, I heard from an old friend and to be honest, I've been neglecting the relationship a bit. I mean, I want to keep up with her, but life gets crazy. You know what? She sent me a message that I couldn't ignore. She was dealing with the old sneezing pea. And this wasn't the first time a friend or a listener has reached out about the same thing. So, yes, I'm talking about my pelvic floor.

[00:16:52]

For years, I tried to keep up with my Cagle's on my own. But let's be honest, we're all busy and I just got challenged. How can I remember to do them all the time? Well, that's why I'm beyond thankful for the Yarloop. The Yarloop is the only clinically proven FDA cleared device designed to tone and strengthen your pelvic floor using auto kegl technology. Essentially, it's this small, discrete device you use at home and it does your Cagle's for you.

[00:17:23]

In about two weeks you will experience a stronger pelvic floor. Yes, it helps with leaks and all that, but what does it do for your sex life? Wow, OK, your PC muscle is literally at the center of every orgasm, so stronger muscles equals stronger and more frequent orgasms. Oh, by the way, it can also lead to increased sexual enjoyment and desire. Your lap is just the real deal. And you know, a lot of us don't pay attention to our pelvic floor until it's too late.

[00:17:52]

Everything's going to get a little bit weaker over time. So I hope you check it out if you're ready to have your Cagle's done for you. Literally, I lay back, I read, I meditate. It's painless and it's amazing to save thirty dollars, go to sex with Emily dot com, slash your left now and use code Emily at checkout. That's sex with Emily dot com slash Y.A. LRP and use code Emily to save thirty dollars today. Let's talk to Erica, 22 in San Francisco.

[00:18:25]

Hi, Erica, thanks for calling. What's going on?

[00:18:28]

Hi, Emily. I've always wanted to call him. I'm so glad you did. Tell me everything.

[00:18:35]

OK, so I'm 22. I just moved to San Francisco over the last couple of years. I've really experienced being young, single in a big city thing. I used to live in L.A. and let's just say I've slept with a lot of people. I experienced a lot of different ways, but now I feel like I'm more ready to slow down and be more reasonable. And like, I don't know if I want to, like, get into a relationship really quickly, but I think that's where I'm headed.

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And I started seeing this guy about a month ago who before me had only ever kissed women that he was in a relationship with, OK? And so he's the same age as me and he's trying now to be a little more casual with his body and like be more comfortable with having sex with someone that he's not, like, fully in love with, which I was excited about because, you know, I like him. Right. But on a few dates, we started sleeping together.

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And he's not very communicative in bed because he's all of his previous sexual partners. He was the first of four then. So, like, he's kind of been the one running the show. He's never been with someone who's been like who's experienced and kind of knows what they want. Right. And so I feel like when I ask for things, he kind of is like a little uncomfortable with that. And he doesn't know how to ask for what he wants because no one's ever asked him before.

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And I want to figure out how to do that better.

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Oh, OK, Erica. Well, I think this is so great that you are 22 years old and you're thinking, OK, I've done that stuff, I've slept around and now I want to experience it. So so I think that that's an amazing place to be. And why why not practice with this guy that you've been seeing for a month? Right. Who knows where it's going to go. But like, let's just practice. I think every time we have sex with someone is a great opportunity to kind of learn the lesson.

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So first off, it doesn't sound like he's had a lot of experience either. My first suggestion is you want to talk about it, you know, outside the bedroom. So if you're doing it, you said that he seems uncomfortable when you ask for a request. Can you give me an example?

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Like I was on top and like we were moving in a certain way and I was like, I want to I'm going to move because I like this better. And he was like, oh, was I doing something wrong? And I was like, no, I just like this better. OK, yeah. I want to make him feel bad. But he immediately was like, oh no, I did, I did. I fuck this up.

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OK, so Erica, you just nailed it. Here's what happens when ever since nobody and not even because you're twenty two people in their 40s have the same exact questions that when when since none of us, no matter what age we are, no matter where we're at, the majority of people on the planet do not have experience with somebody giving them feedback around sex. So when they do so, when you do hear it for the first time, we automatically go to I'm fucking up what I do wrong.

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And so he just hasn't experienced it before. So that's why I always say talk about it when you're not in the bedroom, because when it happens in the moment, we're so jarred by it and it's like, oh my God, she doesn't like me. I did something wrong.

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So what I recommend is next time you guys are hanging out, having a drink or just at your house or whatever, just stay home. Hey, I want to talk about our sex life for a minute. I, I want to talk about what happened the other night. You know, I am working on exploring what I need in the moment. And so when I wanted to move positions, I just want you to know that's something that I'm sort of figuring out right now.

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But I'll let you know if there's something that you're doing that isn't what I want. But right now, I just want to experiment. Is there anything that you want? And he probably doesn't know. So you also said to me earlier in the conversation, he doesn't know what he wants. No one's ever asked him. Exactly. He's twenty two years old. It's never happened. You're probably the most comfortable when he's been with. So together you can say this is new for both of us.

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We're both in the same place. We're both learning together and like, make it fun. Yeah. How does that sound? Could you do something like that?

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I want to be able to do something like that. I haven't heard from him since the last time we slept together, so I'm feeling a little nervous and I'm being ghosted.

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Oh, OK. Is this longer than usual? Yeah, I think so. I worry about like he might be like intimidated he might because I'm like like I'm really confident and I don't know how to navigate that either.

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Listen, it's really and it can be very intimidating for men to be with women that are confident, if especially at twenty two. He hasn't experienced that before, but I wouldn't try to again, make yourself smaller or less what you're doing.

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I think that if you do when you hear from him, you should just and I know it's uncomfortable what I'm saying. You're like, I want to be able to do it, but I think it's a practice. And then once you start practicing talking about sex with someone, you're actually having sex with it.

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You won't be able to you won't be able to have sex. Without it, does that make sense, but you haven't practiced yet, so it's a new skill for you. It's a new communication skill. Now, maybe he's intimidated.

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You know, I always assume that if we're with the right people that they're going to, like, love a confident woman, that they're going to be like, thank God. Finally, there's a woman that, you know, knows what she wants and I'm going to learn something from her.

[00:23:37]

It doesn't mean that I'm a pussy or whatever, anything, but I don't know. You know, I'm not sure. People always ask me this, too. They say to me or guys intimidate you. And and then I was talking to my therapist today. She's like, Yeah, but they are. And I was like, really? I'm so not intimidating.

[00:23:51]

I'm not going to with a the same thing. OK, there you go. Do we have the same therapist. I bet I actually looks like Rachael Ray.

[00:24:00]

Oh no, not mine. Mine's in L.A. But whether this guy calls you or not, I hope he does well. And if he doesn't, we'll never know why you can call me if he goes to you. We can go through that because we never know. It's probably not what you think. We don't. Now, let's say that is true. So what it means is that you have to have the conversations with guys before you sleep with them and say, say, you know, hey, I want, you know, like, what are you into sexually?

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And I know people don't do this a lot, Erica, but this is the way to avoid this stuff. You know, this is a way of saying, so what are you into? I realize I'm exploring sex right now. I'm trying to figure out, like what I'm into, what I want to be with a partner who communicates because sex is better when you communicate. I listen to this podcast. I listen, it's radio, sex, family, I mean, whatever it is.

[00:24:43]

But this is how you get your needs met.

[00:24:45]

It's never really that big. Yeah, I hope that's helpful. I mean, if you do the things that it's all sorts of stuff, what we do right.

[00:24:53]

And we will never know, it could get back together with his ex. He might have had a busy week at work. He might think you're not into him. So there's always the option of reaching out to him if you don't hear from him, which I know is like no one wants to do that. But I'm just telling you that that you just met him a month ago. You'll meet somebody else. The more time we spend worrying about why someone calls or why someone doesn't, it is time that takes us away from actually meeting somebody else.

[00:25:18]

And then with each partner, you can learn how to communicate better and then you'll just have to you will be able to help it.

[00:25:23]

Wow. Yeah. Thank you so much. Of course.

[00:25:26]

Erica, I'm here for you. It's so good to talk to you. Enjoy the time in the city. Thank you. I really appreciate it. And have a great night.

[00:25:33]

Bierko. Thanks for calling. It's funny we've all these women calling from San Francisco lately who are twenty two, which reminds me of I don't know, that's when I moved to San Francisco, when I was twenty two years old and dated a lot of guys had a good time and I knew nothing about sex, nothing about communication. It wouldn't be till about ten years later. So how great that Erika at twenty two is asking about how to communicate in the bedroom.

[00:25:57]

This is from Graisse twenty one in Canada. She said I found I have anxiety about someone going down on me. I used to love it, never had a problem. But a past boyfriend made a comment about how disgusting it is. He never minded doing it to other women, but he doesn't want to do it to me anyway. Now I'm in a better relationship for over a year and he makes me so comfortable and I still find I have this anxiety about letting him go down on me.

[00:26:22]

I've let him a few times. He loves it. I want to do it all the time. I love it. He loves doing it, but I never let him because of a comment in the past relationship. How can I get past this and enjoy it like I used to? Oh, Gracie, Gracie, Gracie. First let me say this. You have a story in here that says he didn't mind doing it to other women. First off, I don't believe that.

[00:26:47]

I believe that he was shaming you and he was trying to say something hurtful for you because he didn't want to do it. And we have to remember that as well. You can't go back, in fact, check, but I'm telling you that that's just a dick move. Like, why is he going to tell you that? But also that the anxiety is real. It just takes one person saying one thing about our bodies, about our vulva is about our penis, anything.

[00:27:13]

And we're just, you know, someone could tease you in the locker room when you're eighteen and then you're forty and you're like, my penis is not good, you know, and it just sticks with us.

[00:27:23]

So I just have to tell you, Gracie, that what would be the most useful thing for you is to tell your partner, your loving partner, who wants to provide all to you. I would tell him outside the bedroom that you love oral, but you have a little trepidation about it. You could say you have a partner who you could even if you like to share this, you've two options. You could say I have a partner who didn't like it.

[00:27:47]

So I always thought that men don't like it. Even though you're telling me you like it, you don't have to get into all the details and you could say, can you allow me? I would like to learn how to receive it. And so I want you to know this, because then when you share that with him, Gracie, then he's on board with you. He's not, like, wondering why won't Gracie let me go down on her?

[00:28:07]

He's like, oh, I get it. You need me to, you know, go slow. You need me to tell you how much I love it. Maybe you need him to say you taste so good, baby. You look so good. I love doing this, I. Stay here all night, which side note this is what you say to a Volvo owner, if you're going down on her, you say, babe, I'm not going anywhere.

[00:28:27]

I'm about to settle in and I'm going to stay here all night. And I love the way it tastes and I love the way you smell. And I'm in this talk about that. That's how you feel more, right? If someone said that to you, wouldn't you be able to, like, settle in and say, OK, they're they're down with going down. But otherwise you have these these messages in your head, Gracie. So the more you start to realize that you deserve this pleasure and then you actually experience the pleasure of your partner going down on you and then having an orgasm, you're going to forget this ex-boyfriend and all the anxiety, but we just got to get you over the hump.

[00:29:02]

So that's how we stop the negative self talk. So Alexandria, almost on cue 19 from Florida, has a question about all. We're talking about oral sex. Hi, Alexandria. Perfect timing. What's going on? Hi.

[00:29:15]

First of all, thank you so much for having me and answering my calls. Of course, I'm here for you. I basically have had personal experiences. I'm a young girl, so I just feel like my past experiences with has been kind of limiting. I feel like I'm restricted, whereas I like presenting myself. I feel like there's a lot of pressure around how women should look down there. And yes, my main partners have been guys. And so I kind of I kind of stress about like, oh, is it clean enough down there is it's like, do I need to be hairless?

[00:29:54]

I really I just don't want to be hairless and all that. And I was so stressed about like, does it taste good to them or like something like that. And I usually end up losing patience because I think about way too much in the moment. Yes. I have never had an orgasm from oral sex. OK, it's been a heartbreaking moment. I don't know because I really like to feel pleasure and and not worry.

[00:30:22]

Yeah, I totally get. Alexandrea, I'm so glad you called in with this because this is so common. You know, you're so young, you're nineteen and so you're still figuring it out. And so the fact that you're able to in this moment share this and say this is what's going on means that you absolutely can get past it. And so let's start with the hair. If you don't want to shave it all off, don't shave it all off.

[00:30:43]

Do something like do it in a way that makes you feel good, trim or don't trim.

[00:30:49]

And then I would also say if you shower and you take good care of yourself, I think that your taste is fine. Our vaginas are self-cleaning ovens. They're like that, like our balance gets all balanced out on its own. So there's nothing to worry about. But the only thing is, Alexandrovich, you have to contend with, which a lot of women your age have to deal with, is that most men your age I don't care if they slept with fifty women, but most of their experience around sex comes from porn and then the porn.

[00:31:16]

It's not realistic. It's not real life. It's it's fake. It's a fictionalized version of sex.

[00:31:22]

And the women are more shaved and trim and they look perfect because they're literally tucked in and treated towards their bodies. Move towards camera. They're shot at different angles. So every vulva looks trim and beautiful. And I'm telling you that it's not real life. But at nineteen, the maybe the partners that you're with, they don't really get it either. But I do think that you can be with somebody who's going to allow you to be your best self to feel confident.

[00:31:50]

So it's really just a matter of experience. And it's OK at 19 that you haven't been able to settle into it because most most of us haven't you haven't had a lot of experience and then you have a lot of messages probably in your head that are telling you you should be something different than you are.

[00:32:05]

Yeah, it is stressful, especially if it's with a person I don't know as well. And then I end up just thinking way too much like, well, how do you write?

[00:32:14]

So I think, well maybe it's then honestly then maybe, maybe right now find someone that you do know well. Find somebody that you if you're going right now, see whatever we're having sex. This is the thing whenever a bout of sexism and Alexander like where I'm at different stages of my life like a by just looking for sex right now or do I actually want to be with somebody that I, you know, that I know and that I feel safe with?

[00:32:36]

And I have to tell you that that perhaps what I'm hearing from you and this is true for a lot of women, that the best sex we have, the most pleasurable sex we have is when we're with a partner that we feel safe with and that we trust. And I'm not saying this has to be your future husband and you even have to be completely committed. But maybe if it's a one off and you're just meeting them, I don't know that we any of us feel that comfortable with someone we barely know to go down on us.

[00:33:01]

It's so intimate. So that might be that as well.

[00:33:04]

Maybe, you know, if you find someone that, you know, that they are trustworthy, they treat you well, that they're not going to shame you and they're going to they're going to be as invested in your pleasure as you are. But that's not always easy to find with random people we meet and. You know, my best sex is not necessarily with, like, some random person, I mean, not not saying you're dating randoms, I'm saying I'm not random.

[00:33:24]

So I don't know who you're dating, but I've done the random. I've done it all so I could be here and talk to you about it. So I'm just saying go easy on yourself and that maybe that's OK, that you're not OK with it with someone you just met. Right. And maybe if there's a partner you could have repetitive sex with, you'll start to open up. I know for me gets better over time when I'm with someone.

[00:33:43]

Yeah. Yeah. So there we go. Well, thank you so much.

[00:33:47]

Of course you are beautiful as you are. Thank you, Alexandra.

[00:33:50]

OK, when we come back, we're going to talk to some people who actually have physical gifts that sort of rock their world and mine, too.

[00:33:58]

So a little bit gift inspiration after the break. Stay tuned. Question for you, when you think of brands that have never been shy about sex and pleasure, what do you think of well, besides sex with Emily? A few are as iconic as Playboy. A lot's changed since the famous bunny was debuted, but the brand itself is still on a mission to make sex fun. Which is why I'm so excited to introduce you to their new collection of CBD infused intimacy products pleasureful by Playboy.

[00:34:30]

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[00:35:08]

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[00:35:46]

Oh, my goodness, I have the most amazing man. I live in Canada. He lives in Boston and I travel down to Boston to spend some time with him. And he surprised me with a trip and he wouldn't tell me where we were going. When we checked in to the ticket counter, he made sure I wasn't in earshot of anyone. So it was completely in the dark until I went to the gate and realized that we were going to Orlando.

[00:36:15]

Now, I've always told him as a kid, I'm 60, so I'm up there. But as a child, I always wanted to go on a Peter Pan ride in Disney and he decided he was going to take me down to Disney. We arrived there. It was a surprise. He took me to a beautiful hotel, the cosmopolitan and or the contemporary story. And we spent the night there. And then he took me into the park so I could ride my Peter Pan Drive.

[00:36:46]

And then at night, he took me to Victoria and Albert's, which is an amazing restaurant in the Floridian, and he took me into the private dining room where there's only four tables and it's a chef's dinner with wine pairing. And we had a beautiful, you know, 17 course dinner. And then he took me he scuttled me away down the back of the Floridian, out to the marina and onto a private yacht. And he he took me out on this private yacht.

[00:37:24]

It was just him and I. And we saw the fireworks at at the Enchanted Castle from the water. We had champagne. He bought me a beautiful diamond ring. And he also gave me a glass slipper.

[00:37:42]

Oh, and that's amazing. That is it. So he listen to you. Oh, yes.

[00:37:50]

He listens. He hit all the marks. He satisfied my childhood dreams. He knows I'm a foodie, love wine, pairing dinners and the romance of going out onto a private yacht. He just it's just amazing. He's an amazing man and I feel very, very special to how.

[00:38:09]

And that's beautiful. What was this? Was this how do you put together and when was this?

[00:38:14]

It was five years ago. We've been together about ten years now. But just because of our situations, meaning his family in the States and mine here in Canada, we don't we were together, but we're not physically together. Does that make sense? Yeah, because we've got a lot of responsibilities. So, yeah, it's just when we do get together, we feel very blessed that we have each other. I mean, we're always talking on the phone and everything else, but yeah, it's just.

[00:38:45]

Yeah. When you think that you your dreams can come true, it really does. You put it out there and there's some very special people in this world if your heart's open to it.

[00:38:55]

Oh well. And you're sexy. So you're saying you met him at fifty. That knew about him ten years ago. Yeah. So do you have to meet him asking for a friend?

[00:39:03]

I met him when I was through business because I do a lot of traveling and the business that I'm in takes me into the US as well. So it was very accidental and we just started out as friends. And when times get a little tough, which they do for everybody, you really realize who's really there for you and who's there to lend you an ear, hold you up. And those things are so important. So they are well.

[00:39:31]

And thanks for sharing that super inspiring, even though it's long distance. So you see each other like once a month or once every few months.

[00:39:38]

Well, we see each other about once every five or six months. But yeah, with covid it's been a little a little more challenging. But the fun part about it is, is we can always FaceTime, so we still feel connected. I really feel that he's my soulmate and he feels the same. So we are definitely connected. So it doesn't matter. Distance doesn't matter. Oh, and I guess it doesn't.

[00:40:02]

You're right now. And what do you give him? I want to know what you're going to give him this year. Like, do you feel like you have to give him something back?

[00:40:11]

Yeah, you know what? We we usually are gifts right now is just being able to get together just because of our situation. So, yeah, we're we're more into experiencing things together. So, yeah, it's going to be pretty hard for me to top that one, but I love it.

[00:40:29]

That's a beautiful story. Thank you and have a great night. I appreciate you. I'm so glad you found the love. That's a beautiful story. Listen to what she wanted, what she needed, lived her childhood dreams. Let's talk to Jonathan, 45, in Colorado. Hi, Johnson, what's going on?

[00:40:48]

Hi, Emily. How are you doing tonight? Good. How are you? Tell me everything.

[00:40:53]

I'm doing great, as always, listening to your show about the sexual revolution that you would like to give to the nation. Of course, as most callers, I'd like to say thank you to your staff for all that you do for opening up a lot of people's eyes out there. The one topic nobody really wants to touch. Right. But I was calling to let you know that I recently got relationship. And of course, we went ahead and I downloaded the PDF of your desk, so maybe let that out.

[00:41:29]

Yes. We also went over sort of the terms of our relationship and we're going to reevaluate our relationship every quarter. But one thing she did was once we finalized our divide the relationship contract to term what she gives me this envelope and it says congratulations. And in this envelope is about 12 to 14 coupon vouchers for different sexual favors, whether it bids them, whether it's a sexual massage with a happy ending. Just a lot of sexual goodies in there.

[00:42:05]

And all I have to do is give her a 12 hour notice, first time in my life that I get something like that where I really get excited. It's sort of for me and my wife type. Feels like when a woman sends you a sexy text message of, hey, come on over or your girlfriend sends you a picture of some lingerie she's going to wear for you, that might say, hey, I'll see you tonight, you know, eleven o'clock.

[00:42:33]

But it was one of the great gift ideas that I ever received from a girlfriend in my 45 years of living on. Wow.

[00:42:42]

I love to hear that she did that for you. It worked. It was appreciated. And we could just make that at home. We don't have to, like, go out and spend a lot of money and look how much you appreciate it. I love this. Jonathan, have you have you questioned any of the coupons yet?

[00:42:55]

No, I plan on testing in this weekend. All she really did, people thinking about an idea was pretty much she just got different color index cards and a marker and just rolled on. It is all she did. The other thing I'll let you know that you'll love to hear is we also have an agreement that we will be visiting an adult sex store every three to four months together. And yes, I already have toys for her. I bought toys for her as well as me.

[00:43:25]

And yes, I do have lube under my nightstand, whether it's lube for a lubrication and of course, massage oils.

[00:43:35]

Jonathan, you're killing it. You are just a student here. That sounds like a really solid relationship. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:43:44]

The other thing, too, I want to comment is spot on information that you give to the people is just not you blowing up smoke up people's anus, no pun intended, right? Yeah.

[00:43:55]

I'm not making this stuff up. It's legit. Jonathan, I feel like you work with me or something. If we have, we met Jonathan. You're amazing. You're doing it all. You're killing it. What were some other things that she put in your coupon book?

[00:44:06]

The one that really made me laugh besides BDM. And there was two in there for BDM. There was one for me to dominate her and there was another one in there for her to dominate me. And she left some blank lines in there for the safe words, whether it was red, yellow or green. Another one she put in there. That was really nice when she said this card is free to cash in for an oral exam. Don't worry, you will pass because I'm going to do all the work on a lot of cute, clever things she put in there.

[00:44:43]

Super cute and clever.

[00:44:45]

I think this is super inspiring for everyone listening. We can kind of get into it more. We should call back again. Jonathan, great to talk to you.

[00:44:51]

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for letting the sex assembly. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. Believe me, if you get something out of it, they will, too. We released shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter.

[00:45:15]

It's all about sex with Emily. And I've been told I get a really good newsletter. So sign up at sex with Emily Dotcom and don't forget to check out our blogs. If you want to talk to me, ask your questions about your sex life, dating or relationships. Email me feedback at Sex with Emily dot com or call into my Sirius XM show Monday through Friday, five to seven p.m. Pacific and call me Triple eight ninety four. That's triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven get a free 30 day trial at six with only that Congress x m, you can watch my master class on master class dotcom.

[00:45:51]

Emily Morse. Was it good for you? Email me feedback. Get sex with Emily Dotcom. You know what, I'm ready for a spa day. Sadly, that's not going to happen just yet, but instead, I've got my everyday routine to make it extra special. Specifically, I give myself permission to slow down and enjoy a pampering ritual. And I encourage you to do the same. Makes a huge difference. But protip start with healthy products.

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