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Let's say you're with a guy and he's not feeling you, but, you know, you're making out, but you're just like this case not feeling me. And, you know, I always encourage women to stop and go. Would you like to know what I would need to trust you more? Fight any man worth his salt is going to be. Yeah, right. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed with five, six eyes that are secret bedroom eyes.

They call them in the Bible. You're listening to sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

On this sex with Emily best of episode, I'm joined by sex and intimacy coach John Weiland to discuss the driving force behind attraction, sexual connection and desire. John Weiland is an L.A. based speaker and teacher, leading men and women in the practices of embodied masculine leadership, spiritual intimacy and sexual polarity. So first, I want to break something down for you. You're going to hear us talking a lot about masculine and feminine energies. We all have a masculine and feminine side to us.

So I want to give you a quick explanation in case this is a new concept to you. So when I say masculine and feminine, I'm not talking about gender. I'm not talking about man or woman or non binary. What we're referring to are these innate characteristics we all have inside of us. But I'm very much of my masculine when I'm at work, I'm a CEO, I'm running a business. I'm managing people. When I'm more my feminine, that's when I'm on a date or specifically in the bedroom.

I am more of a feminine energy in the bedroom. So to give you an example, masculine energy is typically the independent analytical side of us, and that is our left brain. And that could be more creative and practical and visionary. Now a feminine energy again, we all have these feminine energy is an intelligent and loving energy, and that's about our intuition, our compassion, empathy, truth. So this is more right brain. So I want to explain to you that we all have it.

Even if you're in a same sex relationship, when you get into the bedroom specifically, you need someone to lead and you need someone to follow in a moment. Now, that could switch maybe next time you're together, you lead, you follow. But what we're talking about is the polarity. Think of it like magnets, OK, to magnets. If they have the same polarity, they're not going to attract. So the reason why a lot of us suffer in relationship there's no attraction is because we don't know how to create that energy when we need to create attraction in the bedroom, it gets confusing.

So if you're both trying to lead in the bedroom, nothing's going to get done. And if you're both more and your feminine, well, maybe you keep waiting for the other person to make a move and nobody's initiating sex. Has that happen to you? So I really want you all just to kind of understand this concept and let go of, well, I'm a man, I can't be feminine. And so, again, this is a way to understand this part of us that we all have and to use it for your benefit.

We also discussed the subtle yet powerful difference between a no and a not yet and the symbolic aspects of anal play that make it so hot. We also get your questions like why the urge to have an extramarital affair can be so strong and how to know if there's enough sexual chemistry to pursue a second date and what to do to bring sex back into your long term relationship. All right. Intentions with Emily for each episode. Join me in setting an intention.

Think about what I want to get out of this episode. How could it help you? It could be.

I want to know more about how masculine and feminine energies are impacting my own relationships. And my intention is to give you tools to have better relationships, especially the one that starts with yourself. I hope you guys enjoy this interview with John Weiland. Maybe you can find more of him at John Weiland Dotcom if you're looking for more inspiration for your sex life and relationships. We do a lot of lives. We do giveaways, fome and all social media at sex with Emily.

All right. Enjoy the show. First, I kind of want to talk about this, because this is something that you one of your maintenance of what you do, and if you guys have listened to John's work, if we're talking about just masculine feminine breakdown here, because that's kind of the basis of what a lot of what you do. Yeah.

So we all have a masculine and feminine, right? We all have these are universal energies like yin and yang, North Pole, South Pole, consciousness and energy. I mean, the world is filled with there's two specific laws around intimacy. The first is that we're all the same, right? We're all human. You know, I have fear. You have fear. I have. So you have a soul if you believe in that, right? I want love.

You want love. And the first step in getting intimacy is to see that in each other. Like, yeah. Like, you know, I'm goodness your goodness and kind of give you start from that place of where the same and that's great. But there's not a lot of fuck in that, you know. I mean like. Right. And so fucking like not a lot of my life.

Right. Right. Yeah.

So that's the first step is really like finding sameness in recognizing each other's humanity. There's also the laws of polarity, which the universe has to. Magnetism is a perfect law of polarity. And what we realized is that along with sameness, there needs to be difference. And this is not this is not gendered. The problem is a lot of people conflate this with gender.

That's why I didn't plan it. I know I'm not like that. And we all have those energies and we we all have them.

And for there to be the deepest kind of sexual intimacy, we need both the sameness recognized and we need the differences recognized. And one way to work with this, I mean, my teacher, David Dennett, talked about this a lot. He's written a lot of books on this. So you can definitely check out his books listeners if you want to give us an idea of his work.

And he outlined that for there to be the deepest connection in the hottest sexual polarity, meaning charge, that one person had to animate their masculine and relax their feminine and one person had to animate their feminine and relax their masculine. And when you have that coupled with the you know, we're one basically I'm human. You're human, you get really deep connected sex. Right.

And so the masculine in the feminine, really, you're speaking to universal energies that we all have.

Now, the rub here is that still, for most people, especially over 30, most men identify with their masculine. Right, right.

Not all at all. Well, we're talking about in the bedroom specifically when it comes to intimate relationships. Yeah, that's a first place. But, you know, and we'll get into a little distinctions between the two. And then most most women identify with their feminine, even though they might have, you know, mad masculine capacity in the workplace, in the courtroom and, you know, wherever they are, where they're doing.

But at their heart, they would prefer to be ravished and taken some cherished, cherished, ravished, taken some place deeply by somebody that they trust. Right. That's how, you know, you have a feminine sexual essence. You would prefer to be ravished, penetrated, led, rather than you do the leading, you know, all that stuff that they might want that sometimes. But that's not where exactly.

We're not saying this is absolute. And this comes out when you when you say ravished and it just reminds you of what so many people say. Why is it that women want to be dominate during sex? So what does it mean that she wants me to throw it out? It's this base thing that women talk all the Harlequin romance novels of him taking on his arm. There is this fantasy that women have this desire, this deep energy that's pulled at women in their base.

Feminine desire is it to be ravished, to be taken that a man wants her, her partner wants her so badly that he literally can't do any. He has to have her take her. And that's what we're talking about.

Walk through a wall. Yeah. Really rip people apart. All right.

And that's what they mean when she says, throw me against the wall. Like, even if I was like, oh, it's too aggressive. Don't. But she just wants to feel like you couldn't help it. Like you wanted her so badly. Your blood was bleeding. How badly you desired her.

Yes. That's what we're talking. Absolutely. If you prefer that, you are. In essence. Yes. Yeah, obviously. Yes.

And if you prefer to be the ravicher. Right. And to be washed with the energy right. If you just really wanting energy. So you want to you if you want to be surrendered to sexually, which most now and again, I want to just say one thing to that.

Let's explain that this be gay relationships, same sex couples, same thing is to make sex hot. There's a masculine and feminine energy. So I just want to put that out there that it that's how it plays. Doesn't matter the gender orientation of the sex.

Someone's leaving someone's feelings. So let's talk surrender. Right.

So the masculine you want to be trusted fully. Like, I want to know that I can take you someplace that you can't take yourself sexually, especially like there's a place in your heart, there's a place in your body that, you know, you can do all kinds of things on your own. But there's certain things that you can't do on your by yourself and for you to surrender your capable leadership, which you're. Pretty good, right? And trust me, right, and literally give me your body, your heart, the deepest part of both, that would be a surrender, like a full you know, the way it occurs to the masculine partners, like take me, like take me.

I'm like kind of like a sexual helplessness. Right. And the masculine craves that deeply to be trusted so much that you'll give me everything.

OK, so here's my question. I hear, I guess because I'm a woman, I understand this more intrinsically, understand that experience. I hear from women all the time. That's what they desire. But for men, I they don't use those words. Not like I just want her to they might say, why won't she do anal? But they're not saying to me like.

But that's a question of surrender, right? It is. That's a I mean, that that illustrates and illustrates exactly the taboo.

Give me your wealth for for you for you to surrender that kind of that part of your body to me and do it open heartedly and with complete desire. That is a surrender.

That's true. That is just that is that's how I men love it.

Right.

I mean, you know, it feels good.

It doesn't necessarily feel better than, you know, than regular sex, but it means something in the sex means something. It means you're surrendering and trusting me. Right.

It is trust and trust and surrender lutetium. So let me give you another example, because I hear from just as many women who are saying my partner or saying this about their male partner is he doesn't want sex as much. He doesn't initiate terms. I think he doesn't even like it. He did at the beginning. I tell him what I want. It doesn't listen. So what about that masculine energy not connecting? Because that's a really common. Yeah.

So what's that guy all tripped up on?

Well, you know, there's a couple of different ways to go about this. First of all, men are the masculine, the masculine. Sometimes I say men because most men are masculine essences, but that's not always true.

The masculine prefers peace, nothingness, numbness, emptiness, less even the masculine in you.

Right and masculine. A lot of women these days, you know, a lot of women meditate. They actually love that part. And the masculine in all of us prefers that. Well, sex and relationship are a whole lot of something. So we're not necessarily when I say we I mean, you know, masculine guys, I consider myself a masculine essence.

We love you. And yet that's not where we would want to go.

Naturally now, in the first year, year and a half, there's hormones, there's dopamine. There's you know, there's all kinds of drugs that are helping us, like, continually go there. Right. But once you get into a longer term relationship, that's just kind of natural. The masculine is thinking about purpose. Thinking about successful. Yeah, freedom. Success to the masculine occurs as freedom.

Right. When I'll be free, when I write my book, I'll be free. When I make this much money, I'll be free when I have this kind of sex. I'll be free when I travel the world. I'll be free. Right. And so a lot of men are living in that myth that freedom is hitting a goal of some kind for the feminine. The question is more like when will there be enough love? Right. There'll be enough love when I find the right guy or there'll be enough love when we have the right sex, or there'll be enough love when my husband does this.

And both of them are myths. Right? There's there's never enough for you. Never enough anything. Never enough love. Right. Or the flip side, there is enough as there is in the moment.

Like in the moment. There's in the moment. Exactly. That's a great thing.

You're going to get to keep it. That's where it's all going to happen when you get married, have the kids, the house, the perfect partner, guess what? But going back to this, I'm going to go back to the sex thing because I like my example. And you thought about women wanting of ravished. Now, that feels I still can't. I need the example for the men. And they were talking about how that heightened sex feels when he's feeling the surrender.

The surrender. Well, can we use your anal exam, please? That is the perfect. Oh, I love it. Let's do it. So let's say I'm I'm I'm with my partner and this is on the table, angels on the table. And, you know, it's obviously something that is, you know, not easy for for every woman to do. There's a certain level of trust inherent in that. And there's obviously pain involved sometimes. Right.

And so there's a certain level of having to relax her body and surrender into me, penetrating her deeply. Right. Probably the deepest place in her body. Yeah. So and so. I'm penetrating the deepest part of her body. She has to relax her body. She has to sort of open her heart to me. Otherwise, I don't think she would trust me. Right. So there's a whole bunch of things that have to happen that occur to me as absolute surrender of her heart and body.

And the other thing that the masculine craves in sex is the energetic range.

Yeah, that's the energy. Yeah. Women, the energy, their presence in the structure and the. Yeah. To me and to most guys that I know like that kind of surrender. Another example would be tying, tying you up. And so the more we get into the taboo pieces where I'm taking you to the bed and leaving you there for a couple of hours and saying here you get to eat grapes for two hours and I'll be back those.

Kind of that kind of sex play. Yeah, that's why it's such a it's such a hot play for people with, you know, legitimate masculine and feminine essences because the feminine wants to surrender in her heart to some, too. Now, this gets under the consent piece you were talking about. Yeah. To somebody that she can trust implicitly.

Right. And it's that trust thing, like I've always said here. And they give people women feel safer. Women are more likely to enjoy sex report having satisfying sex and orgasms when there was someone they can trust and trust goes so much deeper than just like I know who he is, I know where he lives, and I feel like he's not going to hurt me. I Googled him. His Facebook friends on Facebook were talking about this deeper level of trust.

Can we bring that level of trust?

Anal sex? Yes. Okay. So if we're together and we're in a sexual moment. Right. And you can't feel me feeling your heart like I'm not looking into your eyes, I'm not breathing with you, I'm moving very fast or I'm disconnected. Right. I'm not in my body or I'm just kind of rushing your heart won't you won't feel me feeling you and you won't be able to trust me with anal sex so that the level of that's a perfect example from asking, like, if you want to go there, man, if I think you want to go to you, this is one of those things where there's there's a lot of trust that has to be worked up slowly.

And and really she really needs to be felt, especially if you're in that part of her body, because it could be dangerous. It could be painful if your heart disconnected. Right. It's abuse. Exactly. It's it is abuse. And I think that we sense that sometimes when we're like he's disconnected or he doesn't get it's because it's what we're talking about. And also, you guys have sex. Anal sex can be painful. What we talk about how to do it.

So when you're breathing and if it is painful, you guys, you're not breathing. Using enough lube and slowing down so much about great sex is slowing down.

When we come back, John and I walk through all the ingredients that go into having truly great sex.

Do you hate being told what to do?

Well, there's a new podcast that I'm excited about. It's the No Fucks Given podcast with Sarah Knight. You've probably heard of her. She's The New York Times best selling author behind books like The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving Up and Get Your Shit Together. They call her the anti guru because of her no B.S. approach to self-help. And now she's giving amazing, hilarious advice on her podcast. Every Tuesday in 2021. It's full of F bombs and tips and tricks for giving fewer better so you can live your best life.

She talks about motivation and mental health, gaining confidence, setting boundaries. You'll hear about Sarah's just theory. Get your together theory. How to never be late again, why you should go with whatever works, what to do, and your partner really doesn't care about something you really care about and learn Sarah's signature Nazeri method. Listen to the no fucks given podcast. Subscribe on Apple podcast Spotify or whatever. You get your podcasts. So let's talk about you for a second, so you you were there, you did not come out of the womb consciously aware.

No. Assuming that you you're OK.

So let's talk about you being a man. So how did John Weiland get into this place of consciousness?

Yeah.

Yeah. So I had lots of failed relationships throughout a failed marriage. Most of my failures were my lack of capacity to lead mean and really sex, good sex, good relationship is our capacity to have strong nervous systems like most people think, like like your listeners, that just happens. But now good sex is is the capacity for me to be with lots of feminine energy. Right. And it's the capacity for you to open and reveal when you don't want to reveal.

Mm hmm. Right. So I, like most guys thought like if I was a good husband and a good father and I supported her and whatever her career was, that it would be cool. That was that was all that was needed. Right. But that's just now the nowadays. That's just the A.. Yeah. I mean, like this is the entry point. Exactly. You know, to to attract a really good woman into your life or.

Yeah.

So I got into this thing and I realized like, wow, I'm not happy, she's not happy. I don't know how to like lead her places or take her places. And I don't know, I don't want to most of the time I'm like I'm totally disconnected. And so this happened a few relationships in a row, including a marriage. And I came out of it and I was like, fuck something. I don't know how I don't know how to do relationship.

I'm successful. Right. But I don't know how to do relationships.

So you were successful in your work, but not in your life? Yeah. Yeah. And I was a good father. I got in my community. Yeah. I had all the stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

And I didn't know how to do relationship and something clicked and I was like, well if I don't learn the art of how to do relationship then I'm going to continue to repeat this right over and over again. And so I was inspired and I went and found a couple teachers that I really love and I just started going there. And it was like a revelation, right, that these concepts that we're talking about today, like, what does it mean to be in body?

What does it mean to have sex from that place? What does it mean to create masculine and feminine polarity? What does it mean to ravish your heart?

Like what ravished your heart? How the fuck do I do that?

Did you do that now on the show now? OK, yeah, sure, sure.

I mean, of course, if you and I stood in front of each other and I looked into your eyes and I felt your heart and I started to breathe with you and I started to feel a part of me that desired you, you would start to feel like I was ravishing you. Yeah, it can happen.

I mean, this is the thing about attraction. It's not a choice. And if your listeners could get that, that attraction isn't a choice. So on the other side, if you were sitting next to me and you just started to get connected to the place of you, that's a pleasure. Right? That feels pleasure. That loves pleasure. I would have no choice but to start looking at you. I couldn't help it. It would be like physics.

I could feel that energy if I was like, take a moment, breathe like pleasure and vulnerability.

You put those two together and that is irresistible for the masculine depth and fierce love. Right. Are irresistible to the feminine.

And if you practice actually making those things felt through your body, then your partners will be attracted to you.

So let's say I start practicing like I'm learning these practices that my body I'm with a partner who he's just one of these regular guys who doesn't really know how to better feel it. He would totally feel it.

So it's not even like if someone's listening to like my partner doesn't, they could do the work on their own. Maybe their partner would. Yeah, we think it's like that. Yeah. Yeah. I've heard about this.

It's like that because you evoke we're always evoking from our partners and the world the opposite of the energetic that we're, you know, that we're putting out. So if you are at the extreme ends of the feminine right in your body at any moment, then you're going to evoke the deepest masculine that I have, OK, and vice versa.

And so if people just what we do, let's say I was shut down and you were the guy, how would you be present?

Present? I would be present, yes. And I'd be present. And I would start to put my awareness, meaning I would start to put my attention inside of you and your heart on your breath. I would kind of feel where you're out like house hasn't been like, oh, she's in a bad mood or whatever it is.

I would do something from that place that would open you free you create energy in your body like any number of things that I could do. But most men are trained to avoid, avoid the bad moods, avoid when she's in a bad mood.

You know, when I hear like, she's like a self-cleaning oven, let her clean herself.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't know how to handle all that coming out because they haven't trained their nervous system. OK, so don't breathe. OK, yeah.

So women. Yeah, we're going to have that energy which we're going to have good days, bad days. And men can have those too. But we're saying or in the feminine and you could have been had a kind of. Whether that, if you will, or touch you, how to how to take it in and not because women that's when you said, how's your day?

I'm like, that's all we want to ask is how many women I've been in those kind of relationships.

And I think people can relate, really. He doesn't even ask you, doesn't, you know? And so, I mean, I know it's not just about that, but there's a certain presence that isn't there. You want more, though?

Of course you want more. You don't want us to just ask how you date.

You want us to feel. Right.

Like how you feel about your day and love that. Right. So, you know, I do see a lot of men like suffer through that.

OK, I'm going to come home and ask me how the day is 15 minutes. She's still going back and I'll be avoided if I came into the house.

And no matter what mood you're in, I kind of like pressed my belly into you and I breathed with you and I just gave you a couple seconds of really meticulous attention. And if you were in a bad mood, I would do something. I don't know. I mean, I've done all kinds of things. And I and, you know, try this at your own, you know, risk listeners.

But I've thrown her over my shoulder and spanked her. I've I've twirled her around. I've said, come sit on my lap with your bad mood and I'd kiss her neck until she giggles and I would do anything. Usually the formula work, by the way.

Totally.

They always work physicality, some kind of physicality, some kind of attention in awareness. Right. And often humor. So if men just learn to master those things and they bring it, they can bust through virtually any bad mood.

Even the guys who are the most blocked. You are like that.

Yeah, I mean, I had some skills, but, you know, nothing nothing close. And I had to practice, man. I had to go out, throw dates, like we would have these workshops where we spoke dates and my teacher would send us out and we'd say, OK, so your job is to make this woman have a whole body orgasm, the entire dinner.

Right.

So we would have to practice certain things and we'd have to know that you were trying to have sex.

Yes, it was also and and her job was to make me want to give her, you know, and so we have to go to. Yeah, we would have to go to these Dooralong dates and we'd actually practice what that looks like. And we'd always fail somewhat and we'd always succeed somewhat. Then we come back and we talk about what we did. And so this is, you know, like any skill, you've got to practice this stuff, you know?

Right. Yeah, yeah.

OK, so let's talk about embodiment, because I've been talking about that on the show a little bit like, you know, it comes out, but we talk about being in body, being in your body and, you know, it's a threat of all the work that you do.

So let's talk about it. How would you define it?

So let me just can zoom out for once. Yeah. So there's three ways that we could have sex, right? We could have sex physically, meaning, you know, bodies, two bodies together. Right. Focusing on the outside of your body. You know, there's the clitoris and there's the breasts and there's, you know, I have a penis and there's that whole thing. Right. And that's where most of us live. Right in the physical realm.

There's also emotional sex, like you could feel me feeling your heart. We talked about penetration, right. So I could, you know, penetrate you emotionally, like feel what you're feeling really deeply and all the way up and down your body if I practice.

And then the third part of sex is this energetic piece where we're talking, where one of us is in our feminine and one of us is in our masculine. And we're having sex from that energetic place.

Right. So it feels literally like the whole body is being you know, you're inviting me with your whole body and I'm penetrating you with my whole body. It's energetic. So most of us live in that first realm. And so this embodiment piece is essential to get into those higher realms, like in in the third realm.

That's where we're talking about, you know, our long sex, multiple orgasms, weeping, cervical orgasms, you know, withholding ejaculation, spiritual sex. Like, you know, everyone says it was a spiritual experience. That's what we're talking about.

And I think that's what yeah. That's what a lot of people I think when they want more connection. But that's another layer.

I think it would be like, I want that. Yeah.

If I didn't want that, like, I want to have my I want my sex to inspire me and make me feel divine and fill me with love and make me happy to be alive.

Right. So embodiment is the practice of moving from living in our heads, which most of us do, or thinking, thinking, thinking.

We've got our iPhones out.

We're literally living energetically in our heads and moving us down energetically through breath and just just breath in awareness. If you breathe into your belly and you place all your awareness into your, you know, into the lower part of your body, you're actually going to be felt in the lower part of your body.

So the practice of literally becoming more aware of our bodies and using breath to be in our bodies. And then the other piece of embodiment is taking something that is ethereal, like let's call it seduction. Hmm.

So so takes a. Most women would love to know how to seduce a man more, right? So this isn't a theory or concept, but you could actually make that real through your body so that not only you felt like so confident and in touch with the seductress in you, but I would feel it. So it's almost like your body becomes a transmitter for this ethereal concept. Tomorrow we could take fierce love, right. And I could get so present and so filled with this thing that you would feel fierce love coming from me, even if I just, like, came in the door.

I was on my phone, like doing a snap. Now, it might take longer than 30 seconds for you to feel it. But if I was if I stayed there and I just kept looking at you like I fucking love you, you're so beautiful. And I just was giving you that energy through my body. Right. You'd have no choice. I feel like you have no choice. Yeah, actually, yes. And that's right. Now, unless you are really mad at me about something and worked out, that's a whole different not right.

OK, is it the kind of thing if you're going. Yeah, I want that. Or maybe they don't want that. Like I'm just happy I found the clitoris last week, which is awesome. Guys, we're not saying this is like the only way to have sex.

I feel like when I first read 13 years ago, people think of Tantra, you know, breathing together and delayed ejaculation, all that. But we're not even labeling it that. It's more like we would both have to when we see each other. Karnack before we actually had penetrative sex, we would breathe together and we would do it.

Now, is it just like with you just flipped on for you when you're with someone or is it more like you still have to have that intention together and meet at that place?

Yeah, well, men are more like blowtorches and women are more like crockpots in this realm. Right. So so, yeah, it takes some of course it takes time. In fact, I say women shouldn't even have sex unless they're feeling like the man that they're with fully like eye contact. Does he feel my heart. Is he with me fully like hopefully, you know, matching breath. So where to start having energetic sex is to start breathing with somebody, slow it down.

Yeah, I guess what I've experienced and I think a lot of people is that it's just this all those layers from childhood, from people that don't like touch, for example, like you were like, I don't want to be touched. That long hair makes me uncomfortable. I mean, I like I like what you're saying invited out, but.

Well, I live by this concept that you're going to evoke. From him, a deeper version of him by revealing more of what's true, like so for example, let's say you're with a guy and he's not feeling you, but, you know, you're making out.

But you're just like this case, not feeling me. And, you know, I always encourage women to stop and go. Would you like to know what I would need to trust you more?

Right.

OK, you know, would you I mean, and rather than abandon themselves and have sex when they don't feel fully connected, which so many women, I think they do that and men.

But I think I hear this from women all the time, that they're like, I just kept going because it's already started and I didn't want to stop it and felt rejected. But how great to be that if you're if you are embodied and you are that self-aware because you should never continue with anything, there's no contract.

You don't have to be there. But to be able to have that self awareness and stop it and say, you know what I would really need?

I mean, then what would I say any man worth his salt is going to be. Yeah. Unless he's just so triggered by a powerful woman.

Yeah. So you might say, you know, like, I would need you to look into my eyes. Right. I would need you to kiss me slower. Right. I would need to feel you like really feeling my body or I would need you to I mean in most women don't even know they can ask this shit.

Right. It's so good. Yeah. Yeah.

And it will evoke the part of him because men want to make you happy. You want to make you happy. They do. They really do. And we want to make men happy. But we just we don't know how.

Yeah but feel the difference between I would need you to feel my body versus like slow down or like moving his hands someplace which is what you know which is it. One occurs to the masculine as a heartfelt request. The other occurs as kind of a I don't want to even use this term, but it does occur to men like this like a castration.

Right. Like I don't trust you to fuck me.

Well, I'm going to tell you how to fuck me. Right, exactly. And and most guys would not be with a woman like that.

I would want to be invited. Would want to be I mean, she can ask anything she needs to ask. Right. But there's an art to there is an art.

And that's what you you teach this work, which I think is is is fascinating. What I if I could give them something to communicate because this is your thing. Communication is lubrication. Right. So what I would need to trust you more.

I mean, who's going to argue with that? I know. I love it. It's because he's an asshole. Find somebody else.

We all want more attention and energy, feel love. Do we want to get rearrested? Guys like I do. I care about you, but I'm doing the right thing. So you teach them to first get in their bodies, connect, breathe together. I love what you said about coming home and like hugging and breathing together like that would just change everything. You feel more connected.

We're going to take a quick break, but stick around. John and I are answering your questions. Like, can you tell from one date how much sexual chemistry you could have be?

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Thanks for helping educate everyone on sexual health issues. I'm currently divorcing my wife of 20 years. Our sex life was part of the problem leading to our divorce. Her libido was nonexistent, especially after kids. I had an affair about six months before the divorce started. I was sure I'd have a future with the other woman, but it hasn't worked out that way. She really gave me something I was missing for so long, making me feel incredibly desired and attractive since it didn't work out with her, I've been trying to move on.

I met another woman who on paper is everything I could want. She's funny, attractive, has her life together. She seems to enjoy spending time with me. The problem is I don't have that burning door to her that I did with the affair. How realistic is it to expect that hot attraction in a relationship? The sex with a new woman is good. It's more of a feeling that's missing, something that's hard to explain. I'm starting to wonder if that feeling I had of the affair was mostly because the affair was forbidden, which adds to the heat.

I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts. Keep up the awesome work, James. Forty three, Ohio. So, James. Yeah. Thank you for your question here. So I'm just smiling because, I mean, this is so many things that we hear about. And my first thought when reading this is like I think that maybe you should take some time without a relationship right now. Totally. I'm like, dude, like you are going from one to the next, the next and twenty years with your wife.

I think that there's some unpacking to do and figure out. What did you learn from that experience. You don't. What do you really want now. You're James, you're at a different place in your life now than you were twenty years ago and just trying to date and kind of fill that void right now.

You're so used to having a woman with you, I think that you need to do some work on yourself and then figuring out. Right.

Would you say, John, like you see John and why you're smiling and smiling and laughing?

Because men need to and they very rarely do take time without any dating, any sex, just completely get connected to themselves. Find out who they are. Find out what the issues were. Because if we're always chasing a woman right. Or doing that, then we're never really looking at ourselves. So I took almost a year with no dating, no sex, no flirting. I literally like I'm just going to like I'm going to rake my leaves and I'm going to meditate and I'm just going to be with myself and kind of find out what's going on.

Why are my relationships always kind of faded away this way? And so I agree with you completely. Take the time off, man. Take six months. Really let it go. And from that place, see, this is what we're talking about from that place of the masculine grows in solitude.

And so he'll actually develop a stronger masculine himself, which will attract someone who is more who's probably more energetically inspiring to him. But if he's coming from this place, if I'm just jumping from one relationship to the other, he's bringing this kind of muddled, energetic and most really good women will feel like I can't trust this guy. Right. He's not even really leading himself. Yeah.

So he'd have to do some work, though, not to be alone, sitting home, like watching TV, drinking beer. That's pretty rough. That's what I'm saying. Like he'd have to really do some of this thinking about what he wants. Yeah.

What do I need to do before I die. Right. What's the kind of relationship that I really want to create? Why haven't I been able to create it? Most guys that I lead through this process and really quite a few shit comes up.

You don't have to wait too long, like a month or two by yourself and all of a sudden, like grief and sadness and fear and all of this shadow stuff that's been there for years, you will start to come up and you really need to clear that out.

Because if not, what do you bring into the relationship? Might just this unprocessed stuff and we all have that stuff.

So that's why I'm saying everybody needs to do this, because, James, we're not going to have you with these women. I think you just need some time alone right now.

OK, hi, Emily. And Crew, your team is so awesome and helpful. I've been listening to the show for about six months now and it's really helped me get more in touch with my sexuality. I'm so thankful now that it's been six months since my last relationship. I'm getting back into the dating game. I've recently got in a few first dates with two different guys via dating apps. I'm curious about attraction and for states specifically those dates that come about from a dating app.

I found this recent guy physically attractive in some ways and in other ways, not so much. I enjoyed our conversation and I felt as though our personalities clicked. I'm not sure if I feel enough sexual chemistry or attraction. Can you tell just from one date how much sexual chemistry we could have in? Is it worth it to go on a second date? If I'm unsure, any help and advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks a million, Jackie. Twenty three.

Fresno, California.

I love this question because I'm thinking about like first of all, I think about this a lot. I get a lot of questions about this from men and women. I think if I don't feel on the first date after the first kiss wasn't there, it was really bad. Like, should I just end it? Like, we had a great talk and a great connection. And I said, no, like you. I have to give it another try, I believe, unless it was like horrible and said something that was just against something, that you just there's too many red flags.

But if it's just that you didn't necessarily have the chemistry, but you found that there was something, I think that we go into dates. We have so much fear. We're not most people are not in body, didn't really know what they're looking for. A bit nervous. We might be tapped into our sexual energy at that moment. Even if we're trying to be more attracted to you. There's a lot that could go wrong. So I feel like she should if you're unsure and it's not like a definitive no, that people should give it another chance.

No, I would agree with you. It's dependent on all those things. I would have her get clear on what she really wants.

Like, what do you want this man, whoever he is, whether it's this guy or not.

And then she could practice, like I tell women, use dating as practice for really coming from a place of your deepest femininity. If what you want from a man as someone who lead you, someone who can take you someplace you can't take yourself. What does practicing that on a date look like? If you want somebody you want to lead, don't tell them how to drive.

Don't tell him where the directions don't like literally like don't get the check, don't like it. OK, literally do not just sit on your hands. Don't even do the read. Don't even do the research. Really. I always do the right now I've heard this.

Not if you want him to lead. If you don't, if you want like an equal partnership then that's a different thing. But for you, wanting from a man like what's most important for a partner and if they're clear on that and then they just practice finding ways to be the opposite of that, then an example of that.

So how could be the opposite of that? OK, so what what happens a lot in dating is that women are so capable, right. That they actually step in and lead a date. Yeah.

So so practice. So practiced just waiting like I like I don't know.

I trust you like I trust you. Where would you like, you know, it's up to you.

I'm here with you like I trust you and because because men actually have been taught and this is one of those byproducts of post-feminist life. Right. That we should like, you know, check, which is great and it's very polite.

But when you're talking about sexual polarity, that stuff should go out the window. And this is controversial in a lot of ways.

But fuck it, you know what I mean? So do that. So, you know, why not let him lead and you can just wait like I'm sure you'll pick a great place, but she never knows.

And then we'll get there and she will like anything like guys are like they always say, oh, no, no, my kids are dying. Men are dying to let go.

OK, great. Let me show you this. My favorite place.

OK, right. And then you're on the way there and you don't wait for him.

Don't wait. Do not wait for him. Absolutely do not waste.

Don't say this way is quicker and literally and literally let him lead. Because if you do that then you'll actually see is there spark, is there polarity because he'll you'll evoke more masculine from him.

You'll be sort of like, you know, in a certain way, surrendered a little bit to his leadership because you're just making the choice to do that. And if there's no sexual energy there, then maybe, you know, like maybe or he doesn't like let's say you really you're a woman, this woman here.

And she goes and she really tries to just let him lead the whole experience. You know, she gives him kind of moment to moment feedback, like, let's say he does something really cool, like he pulls out her chair. So rather than just kind of like not saying anything, there's like a like a smile or a giggle or something that tells him, I like this.

Yeah. You got to let him know that. Let him know. Right. Otherwise Basar dance guys dance. Yeah they are. Tonight we go. Wow. Thanks for doing that. Yeah. I'm, I'm big on the reinforcement. I'm like I really appreciate that. That felt so great when you kissed my neck. Totally.

Absolutely. Six years ago. You do it again and then we want to do more of it. Right.

And and if you literally do that and the guy is not responding well, then you have some pretty good information.

And I would even give that a couple of dates if if it's a give it a couple of days, it's just that's interesting. So, Jackie, I feel like give it another chance, but then also figure out what you want and literally everything in life that we want to do, whether, you know, work, health, personal is about figure out what you want.

And you think that would be such an easy task. But it's really, really hard. You think, well, that's what I want. Like no one else can tell me. But even. What do you mean? Like, figure out what you want? I think people don't even know where to start because they think that they know what they want and it might not be.

So I think it's less complicated than that, especially for women.

Right. There's not a woman that I talked to. I talked to hundreds of them that don't want presence.

I did not like not like from Tiffany's wrapped up, but like your presence, your presence, your capacity to be in the here and now and feel right.

There's not a woman alive that doesn't want to be felt deeply, is not a woman alive that doesn't want to be, you know, held so true, held in presence. It's the new currency.

It's more valuable. The ability to lead and be present with a woman is more valuable than being able to make money and take care of her or keep her safe. A hundred years ago, it was different. It's so true now, depth presents integrity, all of these sort of noble, masculine traits are really, truly valuable, the relationship they really are. I think most women, just most women, when I when I actually question them like, oh, I want to go is my best friend.

Do you really like couldn't you have a woman that's your best friend? But then this guy is like fully present with you and fucks you to guys like, you know, I mean, like, wouldn't you rather have that from your lifetime partner?

Yes. I never thought the best friend thing made sense, but I was like, I have enough friends. Like, you don't need me right now, but how about fucking me to God? Because I've seen your quotes. What exactly does that mean? Well, what I know, if I were to in the gods, I probably.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there would be it would be something you'd want to happen again and again and again. I actually my teacher, a guy named David Data, actually coined that term. Right. What it means is it means it means having having the kind of sex that leaves a woman feeling like she was opened by God. Yeah. Like in touch with the divine and, you know, without getting too woo here because we are in L.A..

But but we can't.

Yeah. Being penetrated so deeply that she's a puddle. She's Yeah.

I've had that. Yeah. Yeah. Most people have those experiences. It's not enough.

Right. OK, I love it. It's great. All right. Very helpful. We have another email. Hi Emily. I'm a recent listener during my work commute. I love all the great information. You're very inspiring. Here's a little background. My wife is Teres younger than me. We've been married for almost five years and she's the only woman I've ever slept with. We have a three year old girl and my wife is currently six months pregnant with our son.

We abstain from sex until we're married. At the beginning of our marriage, the sex was pretty good and fairly often within a short time, though, the frequency really went down. On average, we have sex once every two to three months. Last time we had sex, I went down here for several minutes and she went nuts. It was so hot. I find myself horny a lot because I find her extremely attractive. Plus she's my wife, but I have to resort to masturbating almost daily so that I won't bother her with sex requests.

How do I talk to her about our intimacy?

Any time I bring it up, she either gets defensive and shuts down or she just gets really apologetic and blames herself and feels bad. Right now, she's blaming her lack of desire on the pregnancy, but when she's not pregnant, it's no different. I'm trying to read more about sexual health and marriage, and I love listening to your podcast. I want to tell her about everything. I'm learning, how good it can be for us. I often feel distant from her, like we don't have a connection anymore.

I feel like we're just roommates. I'm really open to how I can move forward with the situation. Please share your thoughts with me. Thank you, Nick. Twenty six, Idaho.

I know it's. Oh, Nick. Yeah, Nick.

I love I love this email and thank you for, for emailing me for listening. And I hear what you're saying here. It's been busy. You guys got married.

Now you have another kid on the way and you guys just it sound like you were really connecting initially. I mean, you're having sex at the beginning like most couples do, which is why they don't think it's work. And you were having great sex and now you're pregnant for a long time. I last few years, it sounds like. And how do you talk about the intimacy?

I think almost always when I see a couple like this, this happens a lot. It's because there's withholds and resentments that aren't being shared. Yeah. So when a woman is losing sexual attraction for a man, it's because she doesn't trust him to hold her truth and her feelings. So as a man, I would say something like I would set up a conversation right where look, baby, I can tell that it's it's we're not being intimate. No, it's not your fault.

I know the I know it's not your fault. And I know you don't want me to feel bad is a great way to take the blame off of her completely. But I know there must be something that you're withholding. So I just want you to take five minutes and you're just going to tell me everything that you haven't told me or that you need to tell me places where you're upset with me or places where you have judgments about me or places where you feel like I'm not showing up or things that I'm doing.

They're bothering you and I'm just going to listen and let you know. And if a man can actually do that and a woman can bring all of that truth and he can not collapse and he can actually say, baby, oh, that makes sense. Thank you for sharing that with me. Like, so glad you have your chest. Yeah. Get defensive and sexy man. That's a sexy man and sexy man.

And so women, often their libidos are often connected to resentments and withholds. And if they don't feel like they can share them with their man because he's too upset, then that will cause the libido to take a plummet. I've seen this again and again.

So he has to also, though, be in the place where Nick is able to do that. Like, that's such a hard like it sounds so easy when we're saying it before and be like, oh wow. That that and and his brain thinking we've already talked about this.

It wasn't my fault, you know, and you have to just be that still, man, because if she's feeling it, it's true for her whether or not I mean, most can argue you can't we can't argue with her, especially a feminine being. Right. And the other thing that's happening with them is, you know, the feminine, the feminine, me feminine, you feminine. Anybody, whether it's the part of us that wants love. So if I'm in my feminin, I'm wanting to connect with you and I do this with my girlfriend and I'm like, you know, that's my feminine.

Like, let's let's connect.

The part of me that wants to not be burdened and be free is my masculine. Right. So they've reversed it. He's now wanting to connect, like, why aren't we connecting? Why aren't we having more love? And she's like, don't bother me, I'm pregnant, you know?

And it's it's a reverse of polarity.

So the way to get that back neck is to take responsibility for the where the relationship is 100 percent like, baby, I must not have made it safe for you to share what's going on with you. I must not. I blamed you. I must have been blaming you for our sex life. It's totally not your fault, of course, you know. But I want us to create a culture where you can bring anything to me, you can tell me anything and and just listen and love you for it.

OK, so next in Idaho, and he's holding the space for her. And he said she said I'll. And then what? And he's like, OK, that's good, baby. I got it this time, you know, I'm going to be better. And all those eighteen million things that you're upset with me about content doesn't matter. The content content really doesn't matter.

What matters is that she's able to say that she was able to express it. And it's the way he's talking. It's the way he's saying and he's just listening.

Well, you know, I love Imago dialogue. I teach this and you can find it, you know, if you email me or whatever, I can send it to him. But the Imago dialogues are great container where she brings it. And at the end of it, he just says, you know, baby, that makes sense. And then he will empathize with her like. Right. I can imagine that when I when I do this, like this makes you feel crazier.

I can imagine when I'm on the couch and I don't, you know, clean up after myself. You want to kill me. And I can imagine that this and I can imagine that. And he literally puts her feelings ahead of his.

And the capacity to do that is a really important container. And that's the thing. One of the things that I think men need to learn how to lead.

Men need to learn how to ferret out these withholds and these resentments and these judgments, because I don't know a woman on the planet that does not have a menta, but the feminine is really keen that way.

Yeah, I told her they might and she might not even know, like, really there's so many of them. But if he lets her kind of just go, I think that's good advice. It's not easy.

Well, and she wants to know that she can bring it all. A woman wants to know she can bring all of her to a man and he's not going to collapse. He's not going to, you know, attack her. He's not going to become a little boy. He's going to hold it.

And in the end, he could say, all right, baby, thank you. I mean, you know that contempt is the number one killer of relationships gone. Well, the research, yeah, the antidote to contempt is empathy.

So if I'm practicing this muscle, we talked about building muscle. If I train my nervous system to hear what's going on with you without being overly reactive.

And I actually train my nervous system to feel you more than I'm feeling myself. I'm building the skills to be able to have that. You talk about emotional sex.

That's emotional, so. Right. It it's the emotional sex. Yeah. And that's what a lot of women who get the emotional sex down, the other sex will happen. I've seen a turnaround.

I've seen this practice alone turn around tons of relationships where they weren't having sex at all.

And then, you know, I'll get emails like, oh, my God, I'm sure I haven't done anything else. We haven't done anything else.

I think just that practice. That's amazing. I love it. And people can find. So, John, you're amazing. This was such a wonderful show. You have to come back on again. And I think that this can be can be really inspiring for a lot of our listeners so they can find you at John Wineland jail, each N.Y. and L.A. that come. Anything else? No, no. This is fun.

I could care all this. Amazing. OK, well, thank you for being here. I appreciate and thank you to all my listeners. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will to find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter.

It's all about sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me feedback. Get sex with Emily dot com or sex with Emily dot com. Ask Emily and check out my website. We have so many great articles dive deep into topics like how do I have multiple orgasms, how do I last longer in bed? How do I stop thinking about my ex? What sex toy should I try? And so much more sign up for weekly emails.

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