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It's a way of disciplining yourself not to react to the thought you are not your thoughts. That's the first thing I draw. Look into his eyes, they're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex, eyes that mock our secret bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone. You're listening to sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, we're talking about clear, attentive communication and the power it has to, you know, smooth out the wrinkles in your relationship.
So, like, if you're walking on eggshells around your partner, maybe that happens. You know, you get your signals crossed. Well, my guest today, comedian Adam Ferrara, is here to walk us through all the communication tips he's learned from his long term marriage. You know, because life isn't perfect, we have to learn how to have some of these conversations. And we're here to show you how. We also talk about therapy. And Adam tells me how he's learned to cope with his everyday stress.
We also talk to you and Hypercolor figure out how to talk to her boyfriend about their passionless sex life. All right. Intentions with Emily. Join me in setting an intention for the show. So what do you want to get to the episode? It could be, yeah. I want two great tips on how to talk to my partner about these things that are really bothering me. And my intention is to show you healthy ways to communicate with your partner that will bring you closer together instead of pulling you apart.
Survey, we have a new survey. It's our better sex survey sponsored by Pure. And I just want to hear what you have going on now. What are your sex goals for the year? And a lot of you have been emailing me and saying, oh, thanks for your survey. I actually got me thinking about my own sex life and I learned something so I would love if you could check it out. It's really easy to take. It is sex with me dot com slash survey and I appreciate you.
It really helps us make a even stronger show because I want to know what you like and what you want to hear. And just remember, if you have any questions at all that you want to ask me, just call me directly. It's Monday through Friday, five to seven p.m. Pacific, and I can just help you take the next step. It's like little mini doses of therapy. The number is eight nine four seven eight two seven seven. That's eight nine four seven eight two seven seven.
All right. Enjoy the show. I love when Adam Ferreras on the show, he's the host of the Adam for a podcast, 30 minutes, you'll never get back. It feels like five. That's how good he is, right. Emily Morris, of course, is one of my favorite episodes. And I'm glad you had me back, sweetheart.
Thank you. Oh, I love it. I love being on yours. We did a podcast swap. You know, we did do that. But Adam, we're going to take a call. We can help out, Brianna, 25 in California. Adam's in a successful marriage and I've got some years here to help. What's going on, Brianna? How can we help you?
I am kind of in a predicament here. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, got back together with him the next day because I felt like it was a wrong decision. But the reason why I did in the first place was because I as shallow as it sounds and it makes me so sad, is that I'm just losing it. Sexual attraction to him. I feel like our chemistry in the bedroom is just awesome. I've tried telling him like, hey, I want you to be more confident and aggressive.
And he's tried and bless his heart. I love that about him. But it's just like it's not happening. I, I don't know. But I kind of have been messaging this guy and like I don't see that is like relationship material. I'm just getting that like sexual like teasing like satisfaction. And it makes me feel and I, I love I love my boyfriend so much. And that's why it's kind of like, oh, OK. Like, I decided to stop doing that, first of all.
But like, I, I want to like, work on that part of our relationship because literally, like, everything is perfect about this guy, except he's not my typical type and the sex is just not OK. There I get it.
Brianna, let me just tell you this. So you're twenty five years old. You've been together two years, you said and let me just tell you, this is what happens in a lot of relationships. Most relationships, by the time you get to two years, there won't be as much of that passion and that excitement in that chemistry you had at the beginning of the relationship. That's what happens. And so what couples what I do is I help couples figure out what what how do you talk about how do you communicate about sex?
So the thing is, I'll bet that he wants to do I bet he wants to be more, what do you say, more aggressive, a more assertive. He has to know how like you guys are still you know, you're twenty five figuring it out. And so is there a way that you could if you wanted and I appreciate. I know what you're saying too. I was you when I was twenty five and I wish someone told me that this is what happens in relationships and you have to choose to work on it or not you know.
So I think that it's always attractive when you're dating someone like this would happen to me. I date someone for two years and this is common. And then you meet someone else and then they're really into you. And then they make you get that excitement, those butterflies, that newness that you did not feel early on. You don't feel anymore with your boyfriend. So you think, well, it must be this guy. So I got to tell you, it's not probably about the other guy.
So either you've two choices or I would say you could go back to Wipha what you did and you could choose to to say, you know what? I realized that we both could work on this together. I don't need to tell you that you need to just start initiating or doing different things because you have to learn it together. And then you could say, right, let's figure out together what feels good to both of us. Let's you go to my website with something called a yes no maybe list you could download.
It helps couples figure out what you're both into sexually. It helps that conversation. A lot of couples listen to this show on my podcast. So I think that it's more about and you're learning to so the 20s are, you know, learning about yourself and your body. And so, you know, I know that he's great.
Yeah, he does. I like like I want someone to, like, go down on me and like, you know, do some, like, no finger action. He'll do the fingering, but like he will go down on me like this, like the biggest deal maker. And there's OK, right. I'm like, oh my gosh. And like I even said, it feels like he's the drummer in the world. Like I have a question.
Do you go down on him? Do you give him blowjobs?
So I'm a giver and I have stop giving him blowjobs and doing handsprings one because he's never like when I give him blowjobs and he says because he gets too excited for that, he wants the vagina. And I'm like, OK, that's fine. But like, that's personally never happened to me, like, you know, where guys never come when I'm giving him a blowjob. But like that that kind of it was disappointment. But not only that, but he's he's very selfish in the bedroom to what you like.
And I told him I was like, hey, where's the bedroom? And I need you to, like, put me first. And you ask me, like, what do you like? And I'm like, well, I just like you to be confident. Just do whatever you want to do, like throw me around, like, you know, be aggressive and like whatever. I don't like I'll say no, but like I just want you to just like, like dominate me basically.
And he's just not he's just not giving me. Anything to work with, that's the frustrating thing, and it's it's not like we can always work on that like you're not. I don't know, because everything else is perfect and I don't want to throw away this great relationship when it's just the one thing, you know, it's bigger thing.
I mean, you're saying that he's not going to get Adam's take on this to everybody.
You know, has has it ever been good and deteriorated or has it never been.
It's never really been good. Oh, I. That's it. So that's you you're trying you're not trying to fix something. You're trying to create something.
Yeah. If it wasn't there at the beginning, you're not going to get it back because he has it doesn't have the he doesn't, he doesn't know how. Maybe eventually he'll learn to be a great lover. But the fact that he has a germ thing and he won't go down and you like maybe some guys don't like it because they might not know what they're doing and they feel inadequate or they but if he just won't do it to me, that's just a no go zone.
And now you're not giving him a blowjob.
First of all, the think the thing that that you said that you should be commended for is I was doing this and I stopped because. So you have a vagina and a conscience. Good girl.
So but what if you put yourself in the mindset and ask yourself the question, do I want to build this with him? And are you willing to do this with me? That's the question. If you rephrase the question, it's not like you got to get back to something. Wasn't there? Do you want to go forward and make this better? Here's what I need. Here's a way we can do it. I'm open to any other way you might have and then you work on it together.
Yeah, but it's not a problem.
It's something to be accomplished.
Yeah, OK. It's an effort.
Yeah. That is such a great way to put it. You could say to them, yeah, let's do this together because you're both in it together. It's not up to you to figure it out and then see if he wants to work on it together, because I guarantee you both have a lot to learn together. But he has to be a willing participant.
I don't know how you sound very evolved. You a conscious, like Adam said, a. vagina do it. Does he have the emotional maturity? Does he want to to work on it with you? But I think you'll know sooner than later if you were to like that. If he's like I'm not interested or we shouldn't have to work on it, then you'll know.
Yeah. See if he's down.
And you guys considering he's like the first thing he did was like, listen, I need to learn things about me. Will you help me? Because he's going to he doesn't want to know that. He doesn't know. Yes.
You don't. Yeah, because you don't know either. Let's be honest. It you probably are still discovering your body. What feels good to you at twenty five looks like.
I mean definitely there's like that's why I like, I want to explore things and like you know I you know I think in the past couple years have started getting into lube and like doing different things and different positions and like even trying to masturbate on my own because I'm like, oh I'm just not myself that way when I can get off. And to this day, that's still like a work in progress. I feel like it's getting better because I have no other choice right now because I'm not getting any satisfaction right now.
Yeah. So this is exactly a plan if you don't know it. Yeah. It is about your journey to figure out what feels good to you and your body. And you're absolutely right going on that journey. And I like what Adam said about do you want to come with me, help me figure it out. I haven't had an orgasm in this way. Or I'd like to figure.
And then I think when you roll the guy, you're like, look at this. Let me show you what we could learn all about. Let's do this together, that maybe he'd be more down than saying, like, you don't know this and you're you know, you need to ask for directions here. You know, I don't think that men like to be told that necesito I don't want to ask directions driving.
You think I want to ask directions for this. Twenty five. It's exactly definitely right that you so much.
Yeah. That I hope will bring on me every night.
I got a lot of podcasts about this. A lot of couples listen to my podcast together and they get inspired. Turn it off. Go you certainly here. Should we try to have the conversation this way or try this position. But I think this is a good first step. Try to have the conversation, see if he's down, and then call me back. Let me know I'm here for you every night. Thank you so much. Of course.
You're welcome. Brianna, thanks for calling.
They can't be happy, so find sex with Emily will continue after this quick word from our sponsors.
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So I have to say, I'm sort of like, how do I not listen? I don't know about comedy albums I haven't listened to in years. And I listen to it is like prep. And then I was totally into it and laughing. And it's like little small bites of Adam, random, articulate. You can get it for free and all the platforms. That's great. And it's worth it.
And a lot of it was about my anxiety and about the way I'm dealing with life.
And well, that's the thing is I think it is about your anxiety and it's pre quarantine. So I'm glad we're checking it now. How is. Oh, my time?
Because I can relate.
OK, you thank God you're here helping people and people have this outlet. My issue is I beat myself up. I turn my my frustration in on myself and you should do better. And there's that loop in my head. That's why don't meditation I'm too wound up in meditation. I don't think your model should be. Look what you did. Look what you did. Look what you did. So I'll tell you what. Tell me everything that I found that really, really helped me was the phrase worry is not responsibility.
That that got crossed up in my head because my dad was my hero. He was the one that that took care of the family. And you wanted to emulate the man of the family. That's just the way I grew up. And my father was worried about feeding everybody who left these goddamn lights on. I mean, it was the whole. You never let anyone outside this house. No, we talk about in here. I'm like, pop.
The windows are open and you're screaming. They can hear you. Right. So it was always worrying about feeding everybody and taking care of everything and make sure everybody was protected. It was the projection of of my parent's fears on their children was part of it. But the rest was just, you know, it can be a cruel world. You got to look out for yourself. So I got the message that worry was responsibility because I was emulating the behavior from my dad.
So when I learned worry's not responsibility, it freed up the fact that I don't have to be this anxious. You don't have to worry. I don't have to I don't have to worry that much to be a good man of the house. You know, the house has to be aggravating worry and take care of it. Now, that's just the wiring in my head. So that helped me a great deal. Worry is not responsibility. What do you.
It's a really good one.
Yeah, I have a different thing. Well, so much like you, Adam, I have the negative self talk as well. But it's like mine says it's so funny. You're saying it's because I did it this morning. I'll take my therapy notes that are right in front because you're never done. It's about I worry about everything. I worry that I'm not doing enough. They're not good enough. That's not enough. So the opposite that I am enough.
That would be like the affirmation when you try to flip it. But I do this MDR therapy about that. So it's like I'm not doing enough, I'm not good enough. I won't be able to do this. And it's constant in my head that I am constantly I fucked something up. A big one is I'm not going to fall through. And, you know, here's something I can say to my whole team here, because this is a big thing about work.
I worry that I'm because I'm 8D like you are. I have been challenge it for a long time in getting stuff done and follow through in details like I love, like you said before, that I'm good at my job. I love helping people. But can I remember to put the keys back in the bowl? Can I drive systems and organization? No. And then I feel I don't always follow through with things and my team knows that that's why I'm an awesome team.
But then I also feel like, oh, they just think I'm not doing enough. So then this is what I came up with today. Do you mind if I process my therapy with you, Adam? Please do let it out then.
What I came up with, though, is that it's OK that just because these things happened to me that I'm oh God, I didn't mean to go here today, but I'm not a bad Blake. It doesn't make it not a bad thing. It's not like a people know me. They expect me. I'm a good person. I have good intent. And they probably know I believe like that's why my assistant gets a copy of everything. I'm not going to see it or read it.
And it doesn't mean I'm a bad person, like I'm not a bad person because I have these skills.
That doesn't mean you're lazy or stupid or not successful or or not all these things that in fact, that's what makes me unique. Perhaps. Let me ask you this. When you get something done, you feel better about yourself. No, OK, the other thing is, no, I don't for a moment. And then I think of what are the ten things I didn't do.
Yeah, OK. So it's like focusing on the one person not laughing that I do that too. Yeah, they got two kids, everyone's face on Zoom right now.
Thank God I can't see them because if they're not right, I would be worried.
So they're plotting against this. You don't look at going well, but that's what I think about.
But Adam, I love that you turn to humor and all the things that you do.
And I know it's not easy being a comedian, an artist, but I think it's I think you have the thing I want to because I have to see everything about thinking there's salvation in achievement. Thinking about my identity lies externally from me. If I if then if I do that, then I'll be happy. If this happens, then this will be, you know, shit.
OK, so it is bullshit. That hole once I get the house, the wife, it's the family then I'm happy.
That is true. So we know that intellectually and you're right, I have that same thing. And then so appreciating your successes in the small moments are what's important.
So it's like the moment by moment you have to just be like. It is enough, I am enough, it's OK right now, it's not about achievements. Does that mean that you've let go of achievement at all? I can say that shit, but doing it fucking hurts. Yes. No, I know intellectually. I know my anxiety comes from future. Thought of something that hasn't occurred yet and my regret comes from depression and things I should have done.
There was a bit on the album called Anxiety and Depression. The polarity of that where I'm running back and forth between those two energies, that's where that is to be present in. That is to not worry about the future or regret the past. I'm right here right now. I'm here with all these boxes and we're having a good time. Exactly.
Do you know this is exactly. I've got my yoga pants on still. This is the thing is, is that we when you are present, the stuff that you're worrying about in the future and the stuff in the past cannot exist in present. So do you think that's why you like doing stand up? Right. And when you probably feel great, when you're doing a podcast, that's the only time I am fully present and you're a vessel is when it's coming through you when I'm when I'm a live audience, no net.
I'm improving and it's just coming through me. I'm not there. It's just whatever needs to come through me will come through me. And you're a vessel to somebody else. And I have most comics going to have that Spidey sense where they can read a room. You know, you can put energy in the room, you get it.
When you're talking to a guy like this is going nowhere, you know exactly the best. Yeah, he's got to go. Sorry, Adam. Thanks for being here this past year. I'm tired of it. And it's two hours a night, though, that I feel fully present with everybody. And I love I love helping people. So that's that's exactly what it is. Adam. OK, so it is true. So then the light goes off and you're done with your show and then you're with your family or something happens and then you feel, how's it going at home.
It's home is great because my wife understands my wife is the best movie ever made in my world in this material's marrying this woman. This is she. I rang the bell and anyone listening, you're going to Google her and you're going to think to yourself, this guy's baton over his head. You're absolutely right. So she understands me and she becomes the the barometer of my soul. I need to self correct. If she's not happy because I've done something it might.
My job is to make her life better because I live in better I live better in service of life, in service of the queen, you know, OK, how do I make this life better? This is my job. So if I scream and yell, which is old behavior that she's not used to, I'm like that that doesn't this no longer serves me. I got to fix this. I got to put that down. So that makes me happy knowing that making her happy makes me happy.
And again, it's external fulfillment. But right. If I'm going to go, I'll go down with a sword in my hand, fight for the queen, you know. So that's fine.
That's good. Did you feel like you? So she so when you go back into the screaming and yelling like that stuff with therapy, you kind of don't do that as much anymore.
I try not to. It's more coming from respon response because I grew up reacting at times are emotional people and then they allowed emotional people and it's not really happy. There's nobody lives at the end of the opera family, you know, everyone's dying. So this is the culture we grew up in. So in learning the difference between reacting and responding and where those two impulses belong, reacting belongs on stage because that's when you're not thinking you're totally present and you're reacting to the moment acting is reacting.
So when I'm working, that's when I turn that switch on, open that door and I can be just be there when I'm home. I got to respond from choice. And the choice is to be a better person in in a relationship with somebody else, not just by myself. You know, it's not it's not about me when I come home. It's about this family that I got to take care of. And I've taken on that energy, as you know, being the man of the house.
And it's not the discount, you ladies. You're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. I think you're underpaid. And I think any decisions regarding your body should be made by you. But let's be clear. This isn't about you right now. It's about me. So someone better help me right now. Everything. Don't tell me what can my control issues. Oh, I really got to address my control issues because there's no there's no fucking control.
No control right now. You just like are OK. I guess this is going to happen whether I want to or not. How am I going to deal with it and let's deal with this right now. So what helped me was the blame. Look, I can blame myself for a lot of shit. I'm codependent Catholic, so I'm double fucked. But there's no way I'm responsible for this so I can let myself off the hook for this guy.
You're right. You're so right. So you've been married for how long? Oh, let me see. We lived together for so long.
So I say we've been together like twenty six, maybe two thousand three three sitting around and it's time. Yeah. So we've been together long enough to know that we're the ones whatever comes up, we're going to fight to get through it. So that's why I, I'm very lucky in that sense that that this is something not only I want to fight for, but I want to keep making better. Well. Did you guys ever go to therapy together or we did once and we all decided it's my fault.
So basically now we did. Look, here's the thing that that works for us, Emily. I know her crazy. She knows my crazy a lot better, but I know her crazy and I know our the way our we function as a unit. But like, I know if I got to go to the airport, I got to tell her it's a half hour before and then I know she might make it on time. And if not, she's going to have to pee before we leave.
So I'll be right there is is at least 15 minutes. So you just got to learn how to communicate. I'll be right there. That's 15 minutes. Don't yell for another 15 minutes. Don't ask for another 15 minutes. And she's going to pay. That's the reason that there's a little a little city right by the front door, because that's where I sit with the dog looking at it going. It's 15 minutes. Don't be impatient. So she's got to know that, you know.
So I know that about her. And she knows that when I can't do I can only do one thing at a time because of my ad. So I'm flying all over the place. So she knows if I'm on the phone talking to somebody, she can ask me a question. She can't get my attention because I can't do it and I'll short circuit. So exactly. So can we talk about that? Having a partner now having added and then having someone, a partner who can sort of handle on the same.
I can't be distracted if phone calls come in the other day at the office like Colin was playing good me great music, chill music that I like. And I was like, I can't read and have music because it's me of the it's not easy.
I mean, having a partner who supports you and got you like that just knows you're crazy. She knows that she she's going to need this. This will make her feel better. I know this will be there for her to get. She's got to get the engine running in the morning. So I get up in the morning. I could come up first. I make the coffee, I give her about an hour, then I go back upstairs. And now she's got her little Yeti travel mug she likes.
So I put her coffee in the travel mug so it stays warm. I put it by the bed and I go do what I got to do. So when she wakes up, she's got a cup of coffee. She'll come down, say good morning. She's already had a cup of coffee in her and her day's better. So her day's better. My days better. Yeah, and that's that's great. So you just had those communication skills built in, but you had to learn.
I think a lot of couples we had to know, so I had to learn all that shit. You do have to learn it even without therapy, but you guys were willing to work on it. I just feel like we hear so many, you know, couples calling who've been together 20 years and they they still are having a lot of the same arguments they had early on. How to resolve that. I had to ask myself the question. I'm like this.
I was in a relationship a couple of days before that were at the same point, you know, when I was younger. That didn't work out. But what really helped me with my wife was it was the difference between have to and want to. You know, it was like I have before, my wife is like, I got this. It's like I don't want to go and do this.
This is like, no, I want to do this. I want to get rid of this because this is worth fighting for. This is what I want. I want to make this better. So when you're coming from want to, you've got a lot more energy about you. And when I realized that working, you know, my attitude is important.
Is there anything that keeps coming up again and again? You're like, oh, this fight right now, it just it just kind of doesn't have the same. I mean, I have no patience. I have no family. I go from zero to homicide in three seconds. I have no patience when I say, can you do this? Is it done yet? That's the next sentence. And it's the I have unreal, unrealistic expectations of how things are supposed to work.
So that's what I got. I have to learn patience. It's like I was on a car show for years. I like I like I like to drive fast and do stupid shit because.
So I think too. Yeah. Any time you put an input into the car, let's say you want to slide a corner, you're going to pull the brake, you're going to load up the first you load up the suspension, which means you shift the weight of the car to one side of the car, you pull the emergency brake in the back end comes out, but you have to allow the car time to respond to the input you put into it.
It's a dance. You become one with the car. It's two tons. You throw in two tons around. So, you know, a big car, you know, big Cadillac, you throw in two tons of rock. So that's part of the way I've learned to have realistic expectations of feedback because you have added like us, we want immediate. Oh, there it is. Oh, I got that hit. I got that hit of feedback right there.
Now I can turn my attention to this way. If I don't get the feedback here, I'm turning my attention to get that feedback met. And that's part of 80 days. You're looking for feedback, you're looking for this.
You've just got to ride it out. It's what we're saying. Yeah. You're looking for like the thing the separation of the impulse and the feeling to your choice of acting on it is when it's that moment that's sweet before you react, it's that moment in between that you have to what's happening before?
How do you stop yourself from reacting and searching, going to the next thing. Yeah.
Oh, Adam, so helpful. We've got to take a quick break, but we come back. Adam shares how he deals with his negative thoughts.
Is your brain constantly reminding you of all the mistakes you've made? Adam and I will tell you what to do about it after this quick word from our sponsors.
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Take it for me and my entire team of very happy vulva owners. You need to try the womanizer to check out the womanizer premium audio, go to sex with Emily. That comes as a womanizer. That's my site. Sex with Emily Dot comes w o m and izi e r today. So a lot of what we talk about in the show is how we handle our emotions, how do we learn to communicate with partners, and especially we're talking about we both have ADHD.
And I'm always suggesting people need therapy and meditation. But you're saying that you're in a good practice of meditation, not medication. That's what I started with, medication.
Yeah. First of all, they give you speed. It's slow pace and vitamin and it's expensive. And only it was like one hundred twenty bucks for a prescription. And I asked the doctor, what is this? Because it's of I go I can go to Port Authority, get a bag of weights for thirty dollars.
So you would take it you know. Right. Not as effective but training our mind, which is where a lot of the the destruction comes from is the things that we think. So you wake up and you what kind of practice is it you said you do?
Well, I got off the pills, right? So I got off the antidepressants and everything because it just it wasn't it wasn't working. I wasn't feeling right. It wasn't well, it was too jangly. So I started a practice of just meditation to understand how to because I figured I knew it was the mind because the thoughts just kept racing. So one book I read. So it's it's a way of disciplining yourself not to react to the thoughts. You are not your thoughts.
That's the first thing I had I had to learn. So then just as as you separate and you get like a 30000 foot view on your bullshit, you can sit in a place right now. I could sit in a place where I can recognize the impulse of the thought and the thought triggers the emotion or the feeling, and I can choose to act on it or not. So you're coming from a place of choice? I don't do it well all the time.
I don't catch them all, but I'm more aware than I was before. So when you when you sit in a place where you could observe your thoughts, it puts you in a neutral setting. But you don't get there right away, because the first time I was observing my thoughts was like this.
I see you, you motherfucker. You're the one that's making me scream and yell. But you identify with your thoughts means you act them out, you engage with them if you can just see them and not judge them as I'm bad for having this feeling I'm worthless because I haven't done this. Why am I? It's not right to feel that it's all judgment. It's in that judgment. Yeah. All that judgment triggers a story. Look, pain in life is mandatory.
The suffering is optional. The suffering is the shit comes from the stories we tell ourselves because you don't get something done and you can't find your keys. Emilie's bad. And now you caught Matt that loop and then everyone and then Colin's sitting there going over to pull her out of the hole.
We got a show to do it called The Rabbit Hole. My sister's like, don't go down that rabbit hole, pick it up and wrap it all on that bag and go get a thirty second break. You got the show to do. I can't find my keys, but out of what I want to get specific, you're your practice. Is it just a breath meditation. Is it.
Oh where it started with. Right right now. It's right now it's a breath meditation now because to eliminate the words it started with a mantra, it started with this. But just to eliminate the words and just to go into the space and to work in space to cultivate a felt sense. All right. So I can feel cultivating a felt sentiment. It's your gut. It's your gut when you feel, you know, when something's right, when someone asks.
So if you cultivate that felt sense, that's a higher it's pointing you to that kind of feedback with the world we live in rather than sight, sound, smell, all that other stuff. We're just we think that those five senses, our identity and the thoughts that are connected to what we believe in. If you separate yourself from a belief system or any kind of system and just kind of sit and observe shit, then you can you can just be, you know, being comes from there's no wanting, there's no fear and there's no there's no fear.
There's no desire for desire. The one that causes the stories in my head and makes you suffer. I have to get that. If I don't get that, I'm a piece of shit. How did I miss that? It's my fault, you know. And then if you look backwards, how can I let that happen? So you're never really present. You never really being. So I started with a breath meditation. I started with a mantra.
And now I'm at a point where I still use the breath to just just to start the machine and just to sit there. And the best thing that I ever found with Twenty is a great book called Natural Meditation by Dean Slider. That's the book that really clarified. Everything OK? Yeah, I had a podcast as well. But if you're going to start it, all you got to do is say, I'm going to sit in this chair. All I'm responsible for is to put my ass on this seat for five minutes.
Three minutes. That's it. That's what you start with that even if you do it for a minute.
Yeah, no, it's true. And I've been meditate. It's funny. It's like working out. But I hear when you're on a roll with it, you're great. And I've been my first meditated twenty I think is twenty five years ago and then I go in and out, but mostly I do it every morning but I yeah it when I don't do it I notice that it's, you know, I'm off. But I think you're so right what you're saying about your gut trusting our gut.
We have all the answers. So by meditating you're just more aware you don't see reaction. So it helps your anxiety though, too. You're saying I feel anxiety because I'm less anxious, because I, I don't feel like I need to control the outcome of the future. And if something happens, it wasn't my fault. And if something. Happens, I'm cultivating my trust in my ability to overcome, so I'm moving myself out of a fear based identity in reality, like, oh my God, what if what if, you know, what if what if my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle.
It doesn't it doesn't matter. Now you're putting yourself in a position where you're going to just drive yourself crazy, you know? So it's having my wife says I'm I'm cultivating trust and Italians don't really trust too well, you know, where we're born going. Yeah. It's like the DNA thing. She wanted me, she, you, me to a twenty three. And I said, I'm not giving up evidence without a court order.
I'm not trust anybody. So that's what is it's coming up with that felt sense that OK, this is my fault and I'll be able to overcome what's thrown my way.
That is it. That is it is it is really the best tool, especially right now with a lot of us are feeling even more anxious. Some people at home, believe it or not, are having anxiety for the first time.
Oh, welcome back. That's what I feel like. I'm like, welcome to the party. How's that going for you? Yeah, it's like someone who's been, you know, had had in my entire life, which they never used to call of anxiety. What do they call it? Twenty.
I just already fucked out. I remember I was talking to my shrink. It happened to me in the fifth grade. And I remember that summer, that summer when anxiety I didn't know what it was, but I knew I didn't feel right. I was in the fucking great Emily and it hasn't gone away. Exactly. What did you feel in the fifth grade that made you anxious to grade?
I did something. I got into a fight on the school bus on the fifth grade, like one last days of school. And this guy wasn't much of a fight, but I did the best I could. If this case just kick my and everyone was laughing at me and I was humiliated. So and it was one of the last days of school where I felt humiliated and that humiliated feeling sat with me that whole summer. And I had anxiety about the first day of school because I'm like, I'm going to go right back on that bus and have to go back into that fight again.
And everyone's going to humiliate me and was going to point. Everyone's going to laugh. And that's when I realized this is it. Why is this happening to me? So even at that moment, I realized that I could observe that thought because it was it was aberrant, was alien to me. I never felt it before, even though I was a kid. But I had a kids mind where I'm like, this isn't right. This isn't so.
I had that separation ability that I didn't know I had. And meditation and therapy helped me cultivate that. I'm still a fucking mess, but at least I know why. Well, that's the thing.
At least you understand it. That's what it does. Is it everyone? Everybody thinks that therapy isn't worth it. You don't need therapy. I'm always pushing it here. I always try to explain to people that it's I don't know, maybe people still think, well, it makes it easier. They're going to send me away. Yeah, there's a stigma. We think you're insane. It gives you life tools.
Yeah. They're not going to send you away. You're not crazy. Everyone's fucked up. You just don't know.
We are all people who think they're not fucked up are the most fucked up. Those are the people that pick up an axe and wipe out the whole family one day. It's so true.
And after work it helps your comedy. Do you feel like how do you feel, Adam? Their comedy beat during like a flourishing.
Are you feeling like, oh, I'm doing more. I'm doing more and I'm trying to do more out of wanting to produce rather than holy shit, I'm scared I got to do something. So I'm trying to come from a place of I had this opportunity as an opportunity to create. I've never been more fucking busy in my life, you know, I'm really busy doing shit, but I'm not going out on the road. I'm not leaving the house.
So the feeling I have to remind myself is you are working, you are producing, you are productive, but you're not. I'm used to getting on a plane every Thursday, flying in radio Friday morning and do the morning news on Friday, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. Get on a plane to fly home. That's my work schedule. So that's how I know I'm doing something. I'm actually moving. So I had to I had to remind myself that even though I'm not leaving the house, I am working, I am producing.
I am. And again, I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing that that you self-worth, that you value out of this is good.
I feel like I'm getting a second therapist. We all need it. Right, even though I go this morning. Adam, this is great. I got to ask you, Adam, for the five questions we ask all of our guests. Yes. Five quickie questions at please turn on the way my wife's hair smells the biggest turnoff the way my feet smell. What makes good sex communication?
I like it when when when there's a lot going on, something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships, don't be a dick. Don't be a dick, this is there's two people in this relationship, and it ain't just you. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? It ain't dirty, it's only dirty if it's done correctly. I love it, Adam. Adam, that's OK. So tell me people can find you.
They can come on your toe. I want to wish I could go to St. Louis if it wasn't so cold and there wasn't on New Year's Eve. I see. You would be a good time on New Year's Eve.
I do like a collective event. So, yeah, it's at the helium in St. Louis for New Year's Eve. My podcast is Wherever You Get your podcast, the Adam for our podcast. And my album is called It's Scary in Here. And I want to thank Emily for having me on to help me of my shit and have some. I love it.
I love it. I have to come back on your podcast. Please do. I would love it.
That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening. This Texas family. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. Leave me. You got something out of it. They will to be released shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all at sex with Emily.
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Get a free 30 day trial at six family dot com slash s s m. Was it good for you. Email me feedback at sex with Emily Dotcom. Remember the first time you listen to the show, you probably didn't know what to expect, does it, the first time I walk into a Good Vibrations store in San Francisco. I was twenty one years old, curious, new to town. And the first thing they said to me was, let's talk about your orgasms.
I felt my world expand, but no one had ever asked me that before. And by the way, I hadn't had one. That's why I was there. I walked out with my first vibrator and a new found comfort for talking about sex and, well, the rest is history. It was the first story I ever trusted with my pleasure, and I still do. And like me, they test everything for you in advance. You've probably heard the shows with my friend Coyote.
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