Transcribe your podcast
[00:00:03]

Thanks for listening to sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily. And on today's show, I'm talking about masturbation and the latest trend doomsters dating, plus hottest sex in with busy schedules, how to give a better hand job and best practices for swinging all this and more. Thanks for listening.

[00:00:22]

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex eyes. The secret of bedroom eyes. They call them in the Bible. You're listening to sex with Emily, I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right. Intentions with Emily for each show. I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you all to do the same. Well, what do I mean by this when you're listening?

[00:00:58]

I want you to think about what you actually want to get out of listening to this episode and how you think it may help you. It could be. Well, I've been concerned about my masturbation habits lately, and I want to make sure it's still an empowering and satisfying practice. My intention was just to give you some ideas about how to make yourself loving even better, especially now that we've all been stuck at home. Of course, it's pretty much always a good time, but I want you to think about what you can do to make it more intentional, exploratory and of course, pleasurable.

[00:01:30]

And stick around, because I also take your calls and do a quick rundown of questions I received on Instagram. I love reading those and answering as many as I have time to get to on the show. So if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, you can message me on Instagram. It's at sex with Emily. Email me feedback and sex with Emily Dotcom, as always, include your name, your age and how you've listened to the show.

[00:01:54]

You can also get this call into my Sirius XM show. It's Monday through Friday, 5:00 p.m. to seven p.m. Pacific Time. And you can just call me even if you don't have serious Triplette. Ninety four stars or triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven. You can also get a free 30 day trial at sex with Emily Dotcom's s ex. All this and more after this quick message from our sponsors.

[00:02:25]

I'm always happy to offer this important reminder. Pleasure is your birthright. You know what other right is top of mind right now voting and what better way to promote the vote than to throw in some pleasure with it? Well, leave it to my friends at Magic Wand to make that happen for a limited time. They're giving away custom enamel pins featuring the American flag flying from the iconic magic wand with the bold message vote on it. It's literally the best thing ever.

[00:02:54]

And just in case you're new around here, let me tell you about the magic wand. For more than 50 years, it's been the must have vibrator and it's still the best selling massage in the world. We're not talking about generations who've enjoyed a magic wand. Today, you've got three great magic wands to choose from. The original that started all the plus a multispeed plug in or the rechargeable, which cuts the cord and features multiple vibration patterns. You can get your magic wand and a free magic wand.

[00:03:23]

Villepin while supplies last at sex with only that magic wand, that sex with only dotcom magic wand. And don't forget to vote. All right, like I said, we're talking about masturbation today, but first, let's zoom out a little and look at the bigger picture. There's interesting things about this time because we've all had to significantly alter our lives pretty much even if you were an essential worker and you've had to work every day, you know, if you're going home to a house where somebody has been home all day and it's just the dynamic has changed for everyone.

[00:04:01]

I know that there's some new habits that I've built that I've followed that have been super helpful. Getting up earlier, being more focused with work, because I'd never leave and I just didn't zoom for eight hours, but some things I've noticed that are kind of been bothering me lately. It's funny because I've talked to you about this last year, and that is just scrolling right into the night. And I always say that the bedroom should be for sleeping and for sex, and that's it.

[00:04:33]

Leave the technology out of the bedroom. I'm not the only one who says this. It helps with sleep. And I was pretty good about it for a while. I left the phone outside the room, but I noticed during quarantine it's just there in the bedroom in like an hour go by and I'm on my phone, I'm scrolling. And then you're like, what did I just do the last hour? I can't get that time back. I recently rectified that because I bought a new alarm clock that's across my room and it charges the phone.

[00:05:02]

But my phone is that next to me and my alarm is set. So I have to get up in the morning and get my phone. And that's just started like two nights ago. But in talking to a lot of you, I feel like there have been some habits that might have been developed over quarantine from telling you this, because there's a new term and it's called doomsday probating. So that's a combination of masturbating and doom scrolling at the same time really is pretty common right now.

[00:05:34]

I think before the pandemic. My bedroom was sleeping in sex, but now I find myself I'm eating in bed, I'm taking calls in bed. Sometimes we're multitasking and maybe roommates. So all your Zoome calls are in your bedroom. And so essentially we talk about it like multitasking and like, you know, reading emails and scrolling Instagram. Right. You might be doing that. You're multitasking. But what people are doing now, they're not just doom scrolling.

[00:06:00]

They're now throwing in masterbation. They're like scrolling Instagram, they're texting their mom or whatever. And then they found their hand down the pants. I'm now masturbating and I'm talking to my boss. And if anyone does that, maybe you do. The concern about this is, you know, I think it's, you know, me a huge fan of masturbation. Love that you're masturbating, but there's no start and stop. There's no end of the workday anymore.

[00:06:26]

You know, it's all sort of runs one day, runs the next one hour, runs into the next. There's not a lot of boundaries. And so now doomsters reading can happen. I just love the word doomsters, but I used to procrastinate, procrastinate and masturbate. That's me like and I still do that. It actually helps because, listen, orgasms are good for you. They release stress, they release anxiety. They also they release it from your body.

[00:06:54]

But then you get a spike of these feel good hormones. You have to remember that masturbation is part of being a sexually healthy person. So I'm not mocking masturbation, but since technology is now part of our masturbation practice, you just sort of let it bleed into each other like I've already got my phone in my hand. Anyway, the porn there, if you're watching porn, is already on your phone. But the other interesting thing about masturbating and this kind of is that a lot of us do it to self soothe.

[00:07:19]

Right. You know, when you're a kid, you're little and you watch kids do this, they get stressed about something and they put their hand in their pants. Right. It's always been soothing. But when we get older now and things are maybe more challenging or stressed at work and we're right blurbed our phones already in our hand, we find ourselves soothing ourselves through. We're doomed scrolling. We just then we masturbate. The problem is we're also experiencing a lot more mental challenge right now.

[00:07:46]

Mental illness. People are experiencing anxiety and depression for the first time and maybe we're more apathetic and we're not motivated. The problem with doom scrolling doomsters baiting is that we start to associate masturbation with only stress relief. And that's you know, I always talk about how our patterns link up to each other, like you might be someone who they all do. I'm trying to think there's so many examples like you with your partner and, you know, you can orgasm by yourself.

[00:08:14]

But one time your partner might have said, I don't want you touching yourself. And then when you're in bed with them, you want to touch yourself with them there. And I can think about is them shaming you and now you can never orgasm with anybody again because you associate those two things together and the sex becomes hard. Right? So if you're associating that scrolling and all that and masturbation with your doom and gloom and stress, that could be a problem.

[00:08:39]

And my challenge around that is, is I think that when we start to associate masturbation with like boredom or stress or anxiety or worry, that is the good parts about masturbation. Like why I love it, I talk so much about masturbation is because it's about exploration. It's about learning your body. It's about pleasure. It's about figuring out like, what do I like it, what makes me feel good? And and that's like the foundation of becoming a sexually healthy person.

[00:09:09]

Actually, it's the first step on the journey is what do I like, what kind of touch feels good to me? And then doing it just for pleasure. If you do do the work in masturbation, understanding your body, then you'll be able to better guide a partner. So a lot of us are anxious and worried right now. So we might be doing a little bit of more masturbation. If you're wondering, though, what does healthy masturbation look like?

[00:09:35]

First off, let me just say there's a lot of you email me about masturbation lately and you send me messages or you call in. You're like, my partner's masturbating too much or, you know, how often is too often. We did a Q&A today on Instagram and answered some of those questions from you guys. It's like a lot of you want to know, am I doing too much and not enough or is it a problem? So there's a lot of misunderstanding around masturbation, a lot of a lot of strife, which I totally get.

[00:10:01]

Because let me tell you this. This doomsters study also says women are less likely to masturbate. Thirty percent of men and thirty eight percent of women say they were getting less solo sex and lockdown. It says it's. Sixteen percent of people masturbate once a day. Twenty five percent masturbate once a week. Seventeen percent once a month. Men are more likely to masturbate every day than women. I just want you to know that it's all fine with masturbation pretty much if you are masturbating.

[00:10:33]

That's awesome. You won't be like, what does it look like to be healthy? Is it wrong that I'm watching porn? None of that's wrong. Like watch porn, do your thing. But maybe if you could start to separate it and say, I'm going to masturbate in the shower or in the bathtub, I'm not going to bring my phone with me, I'm going to schedule my masturbation. I'm going to look forward to it. I want to make it more like a special event that I get to do once a day in this particular environment.

[00:10:55]

And you work it in today, because right now, if you are not great at boundaries and time management, this has been a disaster. It's been probably really hard for you during covid. If I didn't learn these skills years ago, I would I would be doomsters waiting all day long. But I have a great team that keeps me on track. If I didn't have people in my life that I'd be places, I would be in bed masturbating, probably.

[00:11:17]

So you got to set these things in place. OK, I'm going to take a bath and take a shower. You know, you could say like I'm going to do other self soothing activities if you've been just masturbating to self soothe. But it hasn't been about exploration or joy or pleasure. You feel bad after it, right? You could do other things that that soothe you. You know, other healthy coping strategies going for a walk. Oh, God, I can't tell you how many times I've saved me where I'm just in my head.

[00:11:42]

Not from not from doomsters, but just from life, from constantly obsessing about things. And then this morning, there was something happened. I was like, oh, I got to work. I just go for a walk, get outside. And I forced myself to go outside. And I know that always feels better. Just for twenty minutes you could journal, you could meditate. I'm telling you, working out always does it. Whether it's just like doing some sit ups in your house, you immediately change your state and you get out of whatever blup you're in and you learn to kind of go in another direction.

[00:12:13]

And that's all it is. It's like redirecting that urge to go on Instagram. I'm texting with myself, masturbate and just stop scrolling. I guess the other thing about masturbation is mutual masturbation is awesome with a partner as well. That's just something else you might want to do this weekend. Try something different. See, OK, I just opened up my masturbating two times a day minimum and it is an addiction man in his thirties. Is it wrong with my partner masturbators watches porn, blah blah blah.

[00:12:38]

You're all fine two times a day. If you're going to work and you're seeing your friends and you have a life and you're masturbating twice a day, I don't have a problem with that. It's when it's making you feel worse. If there are consequences to masturbating a lot, you know, if it's impacting your ability to be sexual with a partner, that's when we see problems with masturbation. All right, everyone, I'm going to take a quick break and we come back.

[00:13:04]

It's all about you. Recently, I told you about extends warming massage oils, you remember, they're the ones that have so many uses. I love using it for a sensual massage, which, to be honest, I can't get enough of these days. I also like the warming sensation. It just feels good all over there, even condom and toy safe because they're actually oil free, but they feel like oil, which is even better. But also they're known for their delicious flavors, like pina colada or my fave mint mojito.

[00:13:39]

I guess it it can be hard to choose which flavor to try next. So I figured, why not try them all? So I went back to a sense to see what they could do and they created an awesome deal. Just for you to get this, you get to try six flavors for just six dollars. The pack includes individual samples of coconut, strawberry, pina colada, sex on the beach, mint, mojito and hot vanilla like a sexy trip to the dessert bar extends whoring massage oils are sugar free, preservative free, cruelty free sparerib and free vegan and made in France LA.

[00:14:12]

Oh yeah. When you order the sample pack extendible, send you a 30 percent off coupon for your next order. So try before you buy them to get your extends. Warming, massage oil. Go to sex with Emily. That extends, that's sex with Emily.

[00:14:26]

Dot com slash ex x as today and use code Emily Esther twenty in Arizona.

[00:14:35]

What's going on Esther. How can I help fight for in a relationship.

[00:14:42]

OK, 58 year old and I always like to try to thank you. I want to try you. Do I. You know. I know that. I mean let me just. So he's fifty eight and you're twenty. So how long have you guys been dating. A couple months, maybe couple of months. OK, got it.

[00:15:04]

All right. So tell me about this relationship. So what is it? Is it just sort of fun? Like where do you think it's going? I mean, maybe marriage and living together. I'm living with that. Then maybe when I get older I want to get married and have a kid, but he doesn't want to and I kind of do. Yeah, OK.

[00:15:22]

But it's only been six months. So, you know, because here's the thing, Esther. I can tell you this. There's already problems you're having sexually in the first six months. They don't get better. Have you been with other people before? No, it's my first relationship. And OK, what about your family and friends? Do you have people like in your community right now?

[00:15:45]

I mean, my family doesn't make any sense. I me because he's thirty eight years than me. Right? I mean, my parents broke up like like I never talk to them or anything because of the guy. And I mean he even took me to court because she wanted custody to keep me away. And I thought that was right. But I kind of want to have a kid and he doesn't because he's old. And I mean, he's thinking there will be problems with the kids.

[00:16:16]

They'll be problems with the baby if you miss your first relationship. And so I'm wondering what it is about this guy that I want to be your mom. But I'm just saying, like, you have so much to live, like there's so many people out there for you. And no matter what, after the first six months to a year, things get real and they start to really talk about things. The sex, it's not as exciting as it was at the beginning.

[00:16:41]

And we got to work on it, stuff like that. And and then a lot of people who are married with really young and then they're like, call me when they're thirty. And they're like, oh my God, I wish I didn't marry my first love. I wish I, you know, took some time for myself. And these are like not just anecdotal. This is like the you know, I guess I feel like I would love you to give it some space.

[00:17:02]

And time is your first love. Like I'm just telling you from my research, you're 20 years old. You feel like this guy's older. Maybe he feels nurturing to you, maybe a father figure. Does he pay for things? Yeah. Yeah, that's a good part of it. Like, I'm not I don't want to break it off.

[00:17:19]

You know, it's your first relationship. And so it's practice, right. It's practice and really learn like how to compromise and how to have arguments and not have conflict on how to resolve them. That's a process in itself that you actually learn by dating and you learn who you like and who you're into and who you're not into. Like in your twenties, I think is a wonderful time to explore who you are, Esther, and what you like. It's hard to kind of know what you want in the first relationship.

[00:17:48]

It just doesn't work that way. It's like watching one movie and saying, like, I only want to watch horror films, but like I really like this horror film. But the only movies you've seen, it's like love and dating and relationships. It's time to figure out what you actually like is the first love feels great. We all love our first love, but we typically don't. Marry them. Yeah, so directly breaking it off. I recommend that you slow it down and yeah, I mean, I don't see this being your future husband.

[00:18:18]

I just don't I don't see listen, studies have shown to the couples, typically, if there's a 10 year age gap are fewer, they're more likely to stay together. But if it's anywhere over 10 years, 15 years, I mean.

[00:18:31]

Thirty eight years, you know, there's going to be a lot just statistically speaking for you, I hear your voice. I don't think you should break it off. Yeah. I mean, honestly, if I take bets on this, I would say, yeah, not going to work. And I want you to appreciate it for what it is, but take some time to get to know who you are now that you feel love as what we're calling love.

[00:18:55]

You feel this attraction. There's so many people out there for you your whole life ahead of you. You'll meet people wherever you go. You suggest going out and trying to meet people.

[00:19:05]

It's a good question. What do you do for fun? Uster, I guess. I mean, the person I'm with now kind of got me into mountain biking, so.

[00:19:14]

OK, so maybe you could join like a mountain biking group near you and like, you know, they have all those, like meet ups and you could ride bikes with people on Saturdays and start to make friends in your community. And that's, I think, how you meet people. You start developing things like who are you at 20? Like, what do you like? Who are the people you're attracted to as friends? Right. And there's just some inner work to do to like you're not speaking to your family.

[00:19:37]

That sounds really rough. You know, I think it's really important to build our community and to learn to connect with people in a healthy way and learn to love ourselves. We have to really love where we're at in our lives. I think that's part of the process. What's the rush astir? What's the rush to get married and have a kid right now at twenty four? Is he pushing this on you or is he saying, let's get married, let's move in, let's do it.

[00:19:59]

So this is you not pushing it. He's giving me like if I want to be with him I can. I know my mom didn't teach me anything about sex and now I'm in a relationship.

[00:20:10]

Oh yeah. Astir.

[00:20:13]

Yeah. And would be my love, like my first kiss with the person in first time having sex. But for me change. I know what you're saying and I feel like you didn't have a lot of information. And I got to be honest, a lot of us don't have information about sex. We have to learn it. Such a good time to learn at twenty. But I'm telling you that that notion that the first person I'm going to kiss and fall in love with is just that doesn't it's kind of like a fairy tale, not not where we're at.

[00:20:41]

And I like that one. But I understand it's kind of like finding out Santa Claus doesn't exist, right? You're like, oh, bummer. Are you living away from your home now? Do you have an apartment? You live with friends? Yeah. You got a house and then he might move in with me if I get any more stable. All right.

[00:20:58]

I don't know if I'd have to move in. You bought a house. Do you have enough money to buy a house? Yeah, I just bought one. That's amazing. You already buy a house. OK, well, Esther, I think you got to just be careful and take care of yourself and move into the house, try to do it alone and try to make some friends and try to nurture new relationships. Oh, I do recommend breaking it off.

[00:21:16]

You just say this has been an incredible connection. I've learned so much here. My first love and I have some learning and living to do. That's how you break up with honesty, compassion in person, you know, to send a text. So, yeah. Esther, got you. OK, let's talk to T forty three in Arkansas.

[00:21:36]

Hey, I'm so glad you got me on real quick. Been married for a long time and my spouse just never really is interested in trying to climax. I don't know that it's I mean still I get excited, she'll get into it, but it's like, oh, I've just got to stop before we get there. Like if she ever had an orgasm before, I'm not exactly sure. Oh, I don't think so. So it's not like she was having them and now she's stopping herself.

[00:22:08]

We don't even know if she's had one.

[00:22:10]

Right. And that's the thing. I don't I don't know that she ever has. OK, well then that's the thing. So she doesn't know what it feels like to have one. She's probably feeling pressure. I would have a real honest conversation with her about your sex life outside the bedroom when you're hanging out, when you're whenever you have conversations and you want to keep it curious and you want to keep it light and supportive and just say, you know, I want to talk about our intimate life, I think would be really hard to see you have an orgasm and to really turn you on.

[00:22:40]

I want to make sure I'm doing everything to get you there. Can you tell me what really arouses you, what turns you on? You know, and she might say, I'm not talking about this has been twenty years. Why are you asking me now? And you're like, well, because it's important. We have to be intimate. You know, intimacy is important. And then you could say, like, I'd love to make you orgasm.

[00:22:58]

Then you can ask her if she's had an orgasm and you just keep very curious and nonjudgmental and see what she says. You know, I mean, a lot of women have never. Have one, because they assume they're going to have a deep penetration, but most women don't have it through a penis, they have it through masturbation or through oral sex or through fingers or a toy.

[00:23:17]

Yeah, well, and she's really opened up more for the oral, you know, than awesome. No, I mean, she's good with that. And even of late in the last I see of late last year is she'll say, you know, hey, do this or do that. That really feels good, you know. So it's like there has been some progress, but it's just I just Savoy's and we've always had a good relationship, but it's always it's kind of strange to me.

[00:23:44]

I'm like, man, why do you not really want to try to get there?

[00:23:47]

You know, maybe she's never had one. And she feels like all of a sudden maybe she feels like she's about to when she stops, that's something that women do. Sometimes we, like, block ourselves. So maybe you could say, I'll do whatever you want, like I want to see or get, like, let's get you there. Like, I think it would be really hard because maybe she's like some women feel like they have to pee and then they get embarrassed.

[00:24:05]

And it's like because you're stimulating the same area. So you just got to maybe calmer nerves and tell her you think it'd be fun to kind of get there together to kind of relax her nerves around it, because if she's stopping, there must be a reason and I'm not sure what it is.

[00:24:18]

Yeah, well, and it's it could be I mean, it really could be, you know, just the fear of the unknown. Someone. Yes. And it's losing control. You know, you lose control when you have an orgasm, you, like, kind of let go and you're like, oh my God, maybe she's afraid of that. Maybe she orgasm once and probably no truth to that. Yeah. I think the real truth of it.

[00:24:39]

Well, that's very interesting. I appreciate the appreciate the advice and hopefully maybe I can have that conversation.

[00:24:46]

But let's talk to Rachel. Thirty nine in Maine. Hi, Rachel. Hi, Emily, how are you? I'm good, how are you doing? What's going on? I'm pretty good, so my husband and I have been married for 15 years and we have been throwing out the idea of swinging and I just kind of wanted your opinion on it. He's really into like me being with another man and it's like super turns him on to see me get the pleasure from someone else.

[00:25:15]

And we have not done this yet. We just talk about it. OK, and it turns me on to think about it, too, like, definitely. But I'm super scared that we try and might messed up our marriage because we're like in a really good place right now.

[00:25:29]

Yeah. Yeah, that's right. That is that is the concern, you know. And so, you know what I recommend it sounds like you guys are both talked about it. I mean, what is your thoughts like? How do you think it could mess it up? What happens if it's messed up? What would that scenario?

[00:25:44]

Look, I don't know if it brings out insecurities or like he says, he's OK with it. But what if he gets, like, insanely jealous and. Yeah, I don't know. I don't really know, to be honest with you. I have not been in that situation yet. That's all legit. Yeah. No, no, you're absolutely right. Or what? Does he have concerns about it. No, not at all. We've been talking about this for years, and like for the longest time, I felt like when I was younger and more immature, I always thought it was like I felt like I wasn't good enough.

[00:26:14]

But the more we've talked about it, I've realized and come to know that he's OK with me if he just wants me to be more pleasured, if he wants to see that and it really exposed to him like that element that really gets him going. And so I bring a lot of respect for me. I'm like, wow, that's pretty awesome, you know? And it would be fun, I think. But yeah, I see. Yeah.

[00:26:36]

I don't want to ruin anything. No, I understand. And you're right. Like that is sometimes the the the challenge that we think, you know what if someone gets jealous. And so what I recommend is that have you guys ever like have you ever been having sex? Kind of like role played the scenario and been like, OK, so right now has everyone that I'm picturing, this guy is going down on you. Oh, OK. So you've done OK.

[00:27:00]

That's the first step. And, you know, really like that's what I recommend. Yeah. You've been together a long time and now what I love is two that you realize now, like a lot of us when we were younger, were like, oh, if if my partner wants someone else in the room, it means that they don't love me anymore. You can be with someone else and still love your partner. It's just we all crave variety.

[00:27:19]

We want something a little bit different. So, you know, Rachel, I would say if you guys went if you found someone, you know, there's still important rules. It's still important to, like, set, you know, have boundaries and have like a safe word, like, let's say he starts getting anxious about it or something happens in the moment, like have a safe word.

[00:27:38]

Has a actually talked about all that as well? Like, we've planned it and we've actually set up dates, but we've had it hasn't fallen yet. Haven't happened yet. But you feel like it's a healthy thing for certain marriage. Like it. Yeah. Not unhealthy. Like not a good place to be.

[00:27:57]

Perugian I don't actually let me tell you this. It is not for every relationship. Like if you called me Rachel and you're like, you know, things have been really kind of boring lately. So we thought, like, we not we don't really want we thought we'd have a threesome and then spice it up or, you know, like that. But like hell no. But what you've kind of checking all my boxes here and that's how we talked about it.

[00:28:18]

Have you roleplayed or have you discussed Safeway's have you discussed what's up? Of the other thing I want to ask you, have you discussed what the sex will look like? Like what is off limits? What's on like? Some couples say there can't be seem to be OK. I'm like seriously deep conversations for years about this. So it's not like we just started talking about it and we're going to jump into it, you know? All right. Well, then I feel like I've gone through all that.

[00:28:41]

Yes. OK, well, then, though, then I am not that doctor on the air. No, that's terrible. I'm not that person. I've been doing this a long time. I've seen it work for couples who are have great communication and want it for the reasons that you're expressing is that you think would be how do you think it's going to be hot? It's going to be a sexy new experience. I think a lot of couples do it and they find that then that becomes something really hard to talk about when they're having sex.

[00:29:04]

I remember that time becomes part of your fantasy. And so, yeah, I this feels pretty good to me, I got to say. And I was hungry. All right. Oh, that's all right. Thank you. Keep talking. OK, Rachel, thanks for calling. I appreciate it. More tips and tricks to throw in the mix right after this. I don't date nights are a big thing right now, but I say let's stop binge watching TV and start bingeing on each other.

[00:29:31]

I'm all about easy ways to get your needs met in the bedroom. And even if you haven't been in the mood for a while, which I totally get, a sexy boardgame is sure to get you going. Well, Adam and Eve has hundreds of games like monogamy and like Monopoly. It's a board game, except this one is full of intimate questions, fantasies and dares. Adam and Eve has so many great toys and loops and right now say 50 percent of almost any one of those products and get your entire order shipped for free.

[00:29:58]

Just go to Adam and Eve Dotcom and use code Emily at checkout. That's Adam and Eve Dotcom and use code Emily. So we got a ton of questions, if you go to our Instagram and look at our stories, we answered a lot of them today, but there were so many, I couldn't get to all of them. OK, here's one. Is clitoral Giesbert or cervical orgasm same or which is stronger. There's a lot of certain kind of thumbs up.

[00:30:23]

There's a lot of questions in here about did I have an orgasm or do I not like for vulva owners? For women, they're like, oh, it was a clitoral one was the gist. But I know we label them right for the clitoral orgasm was with the majority of women experience through masturbation or penetration. And that's the external part of your vagina. The clitoris is there. It's that little magic spot that has eight thousand nerve endings and it also extends internally.

[00:30:50]

So sometimes Giesbert, which I like to call the area, but I don't even really want to call it an area or anything because it was named by this guy, Graffin Burgund. He did not have a Giesbert. It's named after him, which is just bizarre, but it's like an area. And I believe that area is like internal clitoral nerves. So it's not and for every woman is different. So I can't tell you which one is stronger because the problem is cheeseboard.

[00:31:16]

Got a lot of recognition like 20, 30 years ago. And so what happened was everyone's like, oh, that's the better orgasm. The clitoral orgasm is just that's just everyone can have that or whatever, but they're all linked into each other. So just focus on the orgasms you're having and continue to explore your body.

[00:31:35]

Once you have a clitoral orgasm, it can be easier to have a more internal orgasm. So then you could use your fingers or a toy or penis or whatever you want to eat, not whatever. But it's an approved item to go inside of you to explore and experiment, because once you have an external orgasm, the blood starts to flow and circulate inside. And it can be helpful that way to experiment first hand position for giving a blowjob. My boyfriend likes when I use my hands, too.

[00:32:02]

All right, so. I love this question because I think that there's been so much oral sex stuff on penis is about like, oh, you got to like Deep Throat got really choke. I hate that. It's like your hand is such a great tool. You've got your hand, you've got your mouth. So the best hand position is there isn't one. Every person as a penis wants something different. But I can tell you it is about your grip.

[00:32:31]

It's about like having a tight enough grip around it and making sure that you have lube and that it's Loubriel your hands out like really dry because no one really wants a dry handjob. And you could start by just putting it on the base of the penis. And this is how I like I can't I want to show you visually, but like, you want your group to be like this. I remember it's like so it's like if you think about your hand going on your arm, if my hand is gripping my arm, you don't want your skin to be turning white like you don't want to be gripping it and you don't want it to loose.

[00:33:02]

You are like just enough grip so you can move up and down and use them lube on it, like I said. But you could use one hand and then you could put your hand at the base and then you could try to twist your hand in different directions. You could try to move your hand up and down. So while you're going down on him, you can start to move your hand up and down, just kind of follow your mouth.

[00:33:23]

You could use two hands circling in different directions or in the same direction. But I would just start with one hand at the base and your mouth going using your mouth and then seeing how your partner reacts, asking if they'd want something else. So there isn't a best hand because some people don't really want much of a hand. They might just want, you know, a little bit of grip around the base, like maybe your hands are like over their balls and then you're gripping at the base somewhat like a lot of hands experiment.

[00:33:54]

That's what I say about that, everyone's on different. All right, here's one if my partner has not been intimate with me in 16 months.

[00:34:03]

Help. Well, that's a long time to be with somebody and not be having any intimacy. All I can tell you to do is to have a conversation with your partner and say they've it's been 16 months. I really miss our intimacy. I miss being with you, I miss our touching. It's such an important part of our relationship. What do you think it that's about? You could start getting curious and be calm because I'm sure you're very hurt, maybe.

[00:34:31]

And frustrated and scared. It's scary when our partner doesn't desire as or isn't making the moves anymore and we're not because otherwise you really are like roommates.

[00:34:41]

She lives together, but that's what delineates you being friends and being lovers is there's intimacy. So for 16 months, no intimacy. It starts with a conversation. That's what you do. You say help. You have a conversation and you figure out what it's about and then you keep talking. And to me, that's that signals a huge problem. Like you should be having sex much more frequently than that. So I want to wait six months. Don't wait another day.

[00:35:05]

Have the conversation tonight. Remember, if you're hearing something right now, you're like, that's a great idea. I should do that one day. Why not do it right now? You don't to prepare, you don't really buy anything, I'm just telling you all to have conversations, even the blowjob thing. Yeah, you could use your hands tonight when you go down on your partner, but then you could also do the next step. Does that feel good?

[00:35:24]

You keep like what feels better by one hand, two heads you could, like, find out. But it's all about communication. OK, so another one, will I ever be able to orgasm vaginally if I've never done it before? Yes, everything's possible. I mean, I don't know that you will be able to with a penis. Just to clarify that, that this whole notion that sex is about penis goes into vagina and it's penetrative and that's how you're going to do a vaginal orgasm with penis.

[00:35:49]

I can't guarantee that only 20 to 30 percent of women will have an orgasm. But I can guarantee you that if you spend some time exploring with your fingers or your partner's fingers or a toy, I think the odds are good that you're going to experience an orgasm from the inside. Internally, I feel good about it, but it's about committing committing to learning. Here's the thing. I think we are. Should we give up so quickly? Like I tried having an orgasm internally.

[00:36:14]

It didn't work and I never happens. Like, did you try more than once? Did you try for a month? Did you try every day for a month and then tell me that for ten minutes a day? Did you try and then tell me that it didn't work but you don't try twice. Nothing that you want to achieve or that you want to be good at or that's important to you is going to happen by trying it once there's no like beginner's luck, not with masturbation.

[00:36:43]

How is busy, busy couples, how do we work sex into our weekly routine? I love this question because that takes effort as well. We think, oh, we used to have time for sex before the kids and before whatever work covid schedule it. Weekly routine is to talk to you, but you see, I think Saturday mornings are the best time for us to have sex and it's a non-negotiable we're doing on Saturday mornings. If you're really busy with work in the morning, set your alarm half hour earlier and you're going to have sex in the morning.

[00:37:14]

But busy couples. If you don't make time for it, it just will never happen, it'll be another thing and you'll get back to it when I'm less busy. But if you're busy now, I don't know anyone who's really busy and then never busy. I'm busy my entire life. I think I'll always be busy. It's a personality type. I love working. I love being doing my job. I'm busy. It's like couples. You're not going to let them go.

[00:37:36]

And then the longer it goes without being intimate with your partner or yourself, the harder it gets to be sexual again because you're like, oh, it's a whole thing and I got to do it and I haven't done it. I can do it yesterday. All day for the last six months, I forgot it. Is it really good? I don't need it. I don't need orgasms. I don't need to be connected. You forget and then you do it like oh orgasms.

[00:37:59]

Amazing. Feel so good. I love connection. So get on top of it. Now if you're not having sex with your partner, figure out why. Work out a plan to keep having sex if you still want to have sex with this person. That's another question. How can you tell your partner to meet your needs sexually without hurting their feelings? Timing, tone and turf, this is what you can all do this weekend, the time to the Times, right?

[00:38:23]

You're both in a good place, you're hanging out, you're chilling this weekend. Your tone is casual and and the turf is not in the bedroom. Not after you had sex, not after he did something that disappointed you. You say, you know what? I realized that. So I would love to talk about our sex life. We haven't had a conversation about it. And I'd love to talk about some things you'd like to try. Here's some things I like to try.

[00:38:45]

And I really like oral sex. I'm going to guess here that maybe you're not, you know, meeting that your needs oral sex. You could say I. Really enjoy oral sex when you go down on me. It feels so good. That's actually an important need for me. It makes me feel loved. It makes me feel connected. It's actually the only way I can orgasm. And I'd love you to know how I could be pleased the best.

[00:39:08]

And then I'd like to know how you could be pleased. The what do you need to be? Please, babe, because I want to be great lovers. I want us both to really fulfill each other's desires.

[00:39:18]

That's how you can do it without hurting their feelings. All right. I got to go. But don't worry. I'll be back soon with more sex with Emily. You guys, there's so much more to talk about. So don't miss my next episode. Subscribe to sex with Emily right now, please. Like review and share this podcast with the ones you love. Was it good for you? Email me feedback and sex with Emily Dotcom. Find us at all social media.

[00:39:42]

It is at sex with Emily.

[00:39:44]

I talk a lot about the pleasures of sex, but occasionally we experience an unwanted side effect. UTIs, get this, 50 percent of women report sex has triggered a urinary tract infection. It's super common that can lead to that vicious cycle of antibiotics we all hate. I've heard all the tricks emptying my bladder after sex, taking all the right precautions and drinking cranberry juice, which, by the way, was recently debunked by the American Medical Association. Then I found a product called You Corra.

[00:40:13]

Your car was founded by chronic UTI sufferer who is inspired to create a new approach to urinary health. She developed Ucore, which specializes in Proactiv urinary tract health supplements. I use a drink mix that flushes everything out. It's so easy. I've made it part of my after sex routine. You just mix the powder packet into a glass of water and drink it. That's it. I've been thrilled with the results and I've got the whole team using it here.

[00:40:38]

Oh yeah. It's not just for after sex. I use it after a workout when I'm traveling any time. I just want that little extra support you cause. Urinary tract health supplements were developed with top physicians so you could buy them individually or subscribe and save. That's what I do. This way I never run out. Get serious about your urinary tract health right now. Sex with my listeners can save twenty percent on their first order. Go to sex with Emily Dotcom's.

[00:41:02]

Thank you, Cora. That sex with Emily dot com slash UCU OIRA and use code. Emily twenty at checkout.