Transcribe your podcast
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We're live coming to you live from CNN Saturday Night Live. Here we go. These are the goods.

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The first is my life. Hi, everybody. I am joined by one of my nearest and dearest childhood friends, John Joseph. Hi, John. Hey. He has been one of my best friends since high school. He was also one of the first guests on this podcast. You were on like episode three?

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Yeah, I was. You wouldn't know because there's no feature next to it. The only guest with our feature next.

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You should not kidding. Liar. You wouldn't know. Oh, thank you, God. Guys, he is a fucking icon and I'm going to change that immediately. You're going to get an FTP period next to that episode.

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We'll see. You got one for this one, though, we don't know. Yahtzee.

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John, before we dive into this episode, I always start with a mental health check. I love that, too, because, John, I don't know if you know this, but mental health is really important.

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No, it really is OK. Trust me, I know. Yesterday I was out of fucking two. You saw me yesterday.

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I did see yesterday. Do I look ten times better today? Yeah. Night and day.

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So anything compared to yesterday is like night and day difference. I'm out like an eight right now.

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Oh, yes. Good day.

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I hope you're so much happier. I'm trying to tell people why I was ordered to me. I swear to God, I suffer from seasonal depression.

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It is a thing. Do you get it? Yeah, absolutely. You do. Yeah, I did. The weather totally affects my vibes. Right.

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Like it's fun when it first starts to snow and then the holidays and then around February, March, it's like I'm over at like I'm ready for those birds.

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OK, so if you guys can't tell, John is out of ten out of ten when it comes to mental health right now, I'm at an all time high.

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I'm on cloud twenty nine. Yes. John, when I saw him yesterday, you were the happiest I've ever seen you on these different. No, you still are OK. Yeah I'm.

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So you are living on a way higher frequency ever since you moved to New York. We're going to talk about in a second. But, John, we need to explain to everybody why you're the happiest you've ever been.

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OK, yeah, I'm happy to go there, guys.

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John, let's just tell them right away. John walked into my house. He's home visiting in Utah.

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He fucking Sipson happy go lucky like all of this energy. I've not seen you like this for a really long time.

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And according to John, it's because a couple weeks ago he almost died. And it's time to just dive in.

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Oh, OK. Here we go.

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OK, so when I say I had like a spiritual experience or like an ever changing, life changing, you were on shrooms or acid or like this was.

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I've never experienced this in my entire life ever. So and I don't know if anybody else has. I would love to know. I've tried Googling it, so let me know at the end.

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But OK, so what happened is I went on a date.

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It was on a first date, and I met the guy from Rhia and he is a vegan and he doesn't drink and I'm a vegetarian. And I was like, OK, where do we go?

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So I went to talk. I found this girl that I follow that she like posts places like trendy places in New York with a cool outdoor seating. Oh yeah.

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So I like just Messager. And I was like, are there any places that you think we would be good?

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I totally forgot you had to eat it outside. Yeah. So we had to eat it outside. So I found out from it it's, it called ABCDE and I actually like texted you and I was like, have you been there? And then you're like, yeah, I've been there. So I heard good things went there with the guy, had a great meal I would say probably like thirty minutes after we were done with everything, we were still sitting there.

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I felt something.

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I was like what? I thought I just had to go to the restroom.

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It was it really that was that. Yeah, OK.

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It was fast. And the guy I was like, do you want to come home with me? Don't ask me why am I too polite?

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And he was like, yeah, because I was really it's like I need to get home. Yeah. So we got there. We got back.

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He was probably there for like twenty minutes and then I was like, all right, like I'm going to go to bed. He's like it's like 10:00 p.m. I'm like I'm exhausted.

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I will get your Uber. You're like I have no more time. I was like I'm sorry, I have to with that.

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Like a disease or like we just fall in love.

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See just I'm going to go now. I fall asleep. I'm talking to you standing up. Please get the fuck out tonight. Bye. So you know, so I he left, I got him his uber he went home, I go to the toilet.

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I'm literally shitting my body out of my body.

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My body's out of my body because I moved it out.

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I don't want to discredit your story. And that's. What I'm doing, I have heard from when I worked at a restaurant that if you get food poisoning, it doesn't show up until 12 to 24 hours after the meal you had.

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OK, but the thing is, this was like a cauliflower was a vegan place, so like it was a giant cauliflower.

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I know exactly what it is. I know it. I know it by the look of both.

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It would be the food poisoning. I knew it. It was literally it was the last dish. They brought out four dishes. That was the last one.

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Right. When I looked at I said, this is so interesting. I lost 15 pounds.

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Oh, my God, that is so bad. I lost 15 pounds. I had a fever running at like one or two. I had just moved to New York. I don't have a doctor. I don't know where I am.

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I don't even know where the nearest fucking library is. Right. I don't know why I would ever be going there. But Soucek five days.

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Horrible how to call it work. Let my phone die.

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And you were just shitting and throwing up all day long. All day long.

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And I couldn't drink like anything so I was dehydrated. Like I literally was like, like dozing off like I, I, I honestly think like I may have I didn't die but like I was, I thought I may have, I may be getting close.

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So that happened. I start getting better and I'm probably like seventy five percent better now.

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So it took about five days and I just came to this realization and it's the weirdest thing ever, but I just came to the realization that I want to live the highest quality of life and what I put into my body matters and it can affect everything that I do.

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Right.

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And I think that my journey with alcohol has been very disruptive and just everything that I do. And it's just something that I've been using as a crutch.

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Yeah. And something and that experience, Sugarbeet, which went on, triggered me and I never like want to drink again.

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And it's like I have been counting the days because I was I was drinking every single day. Right.

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And I don't I don't think I necessarily had a problem like like I was still functioning, but I would lean on it. So I change that.

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And also, like, I haven't been like jerking off and I don't know if that's like normal, but I have had, like, no desire. Maybe it's because of the alcohol. I don't know.

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Oh, OK. Oh, I didn't even think about that correlation. So you haven't been drinking, you haven't been jacking off and you've had no desire to drive. All right.

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All stemmed from this near-death experience I have been working out every single day.

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I went and bought journals from Barnes and Noble. I've been journaling every single day. I've been reading self-help books, Emotional Intelligence 2.0.

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It's a great book. Oh, yeah, it's a good one. But it's just like it was life changing.

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I'm just like changed my life.

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And it's like I know it's only been like twelve days being like sober and being like, but I feel so much more competent.

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It feels like I'm woke like my brain is woke like without the alcohol.

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And I think that's exactly like I used to be foggy, I used to be like there was kind of like a ringing or like a buzzing in my head and I constantly brain I thought that was normal because I've been drinking like everyday, probably for like nine years.

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Like since when I was eighteen. Yeah. Liquid Ivy, I am literally drinking one as we speak, the tangerine flavor, which is also my favorite Led Zeppelin song, guys, liquid ivy, one stick of liquid ivy is like drinking two cups of coffee.

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Go get it. John and I very, very rarely get in arguments, but this was an argument that we had because John was like, why the 10 times I told you I was renting a U-Haul and driving it to New York, did you not, like, stop me and say, hey, probably don't do it that way, do it this way and like your stuff. I swear I told you you did.

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But like I wanted to, I'm adventure and you would be fun.

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I did. I'm a girl. I want I wanted to go. I wanted to do it.

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And I don't regret it. It was there were there were high points. Low points. My mother drove me fucking insane.

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No help. She really just sat there and said, are we there yet?

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But but, you know, yeah, I remember you were like Instagram storing it and you'd be like Kansas, like, we're just making stories every state. And then you text me saying, that was really funny. I can remember it was like I'm a gay man fucking trying to drive this U-Haul and like, it's not cool. It's not what I want you to know. It's fucking horrible.

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I go, I'm a gay man. I had seven nice Coffey's get the fuck out of my way. You say that. You say it takes ten hours to get there. I'll see you in seven.

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This is how it works. How we work, how we function. Don't get don't get in our path.

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We will run you over. Beware of the gay.

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You'll see them do. You'll know it. Yeah.

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Well you know, you know you all gays are the most dangerous guy. Exactly. On steroids over here. Now you live in New York.

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Yes. And you move to fight. I yeah.

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So I got in my own apartment that I love. It's massive. It is. I got a really good deal.

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I got it was half the price because of covid. So I'm like stoked about that. I just hope I mean, I obviously want it to end. Right. What I hope when it does end, like, all right, here you got you got to pay no right. Thousand dollars. And I'm like, I got to go, I'm going, I'm going to Jersey.

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OK, so what has it been like moving during covid.

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It's been interesting. Well, I got a new job, so that's why I moved out there. So I don't know if everybody knows, but I work in finance. Yeah, I work in a financial firm. Headquarters is in New York.

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But the thing is, is I called the spectrum person to like, give me cable.

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And the lady was like, oh, you know, talking about the cable. And then I was like, yeah, I just moved here. She's like, Oh, so you're going into office? And I was like, now I'm working from home. And she's like, So why did you move here?

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And I was like, OK, a to show. But also like, you got to be here at some point, like don't come for me spectrum, give me my cable and get out of my house like it is fucking Aquarius.

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But I love it.

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So far it's been definitely challenging to live alone again. I love it. But the the training is definitely difficult, like training over the zoom. Right.

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And then also like I don't know anyone. So it's and it's hard to meet people. That's right. Yeah.

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You were talking to me about how difficult it is to meet people, which, by the way, just to back up two seconds, fidei is short for the financial district. Yeah.

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Yeah. So you moved there and I remember when you first moved there, you were like, dude, I feel like I'm on this set of a movie. It was it feels like it's Universal Studios, like because there's like, you know, like nothing open.

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It's like, well it looks like it's like in the 1920s, it's a really building. So I'm like, oh, I love this place, but what's the grocery store like?

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I would love to you know, I could totally see how it looks like a movie site. There's like hardly any people walking outside. Yeah.

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But I also like I got the apartment like I like without like blindly like I needed a place. My job is like art. You have to be here like in January. So so I had to do all virtually right.

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Which kind of like to be honest, when I moved to New York, I didn't do my homework at all.

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And I just got a studio apartment in Midtown which did so many stories.

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So you were I was calling John crying every single day.

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Dude, that guy didn't a guy, like, try to break into you. You called me, like, literally, like bawling guys.

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I went on a date with this guy when I first moved to New York and I like ditched him on the date and he knew where I lived because he had, like, picked me up and showed up at my apartment after a dick and was like trying to get in. Yeah. You had to call the cops. Yes. It was like this scariest shit ever. I have to tell that story one day. And this is like when you still worked in finance.

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Yes, but dude, I had like a mattress on the floor. It was a studio. Every single person in my building was like seventy years old or older.

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Any time you move to a new city, it's difficult.

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Like when you don't know anyone. I moved to New York without knowing anybody. But like I remember, I would get an I told you this. I would get lost, no exaggeration, for two to three hours, every single day, every day, but also I was broke and I was like, I cannot continue taking Goober's. I think I spent twelve thousand dollars like the first six months I was there on Hubers. So I forced myself to take this up where I get lost for hours, whatever.

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Why?

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I'm like not going anywhere like that.

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So I've been cooped up, but it's been nice to be, you know, to be alone in my own space because I live with my dad before this between the gap of like the new job. Right. And when my lease ended in Salt Lake. Yeah. So it's been really nice to have my own space. Yeah. You love being alone.

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I love being on my own.

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Time is a little much, but it can a little excited like a little too much.

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There are some days like I would like to have human interaction but ok rya if anyone doesn't know what it is, it's a dating app. You have to have a membership, you have to like apply and then you get put on a waiting list while you fucking wait to be accepted. And it's really all about like exclusivity.

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I actually read somewhere it has an eight percent acceptance rate anyways.

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I do think that you can use Rhia to meet people especially like during covid because you can't fucking go into a bar and mingle. Right.

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Would you recommend Rhia? Yeah, no, I would.

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It's it's a little dodgy. Yeah, it really depends. Like, it's not like I here's the thing. Like I tried so hard to get on that app like a year more.

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I was on that waitlist for probably like three years. I wanted to be on it.

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So about I got I had like probably five like friends at that point. And finally I just emailed them and I was like, hi, what's going on?

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But then you emailed Rya and I was like, dude, emailing them is going to do shit.

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You were accepted the next day, not the next day. You took like a week. OK, but like, well, what happened is I was like, hey, like what's going on with my application.

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Like do you need an interview? Like what do you need from me? Do you need more credentials? How can I how could help me help, you know. So like I emailed that, I was just like, all right, what's going on?

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And they responded and they were like, well your Instagram is on private.

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And I was like, OK, well, I don't want to take my Instagram off private at the time. And then they're like, OK, well, then send us like photos like or like videos or any content.

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And like why you should be on we shut the fuck up. I did not know that. Yeah. And I obviously think that you helped me get on RIAB because I mentioned, like, I, you know, will be on this show. Yeah. Please just accept this as my word.

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Like before you could say, like, I am about to be on like fucking them, like I know I know her.

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Give me the app, you know, but and then also that they're like, all right, we'll put this with your portfolio because I guess they review it. And then I got accepted finally. So yeah, I guess that's a trick.

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So I'm not getting email them. Email them, number one.

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No. To take your Instagram off of private.

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Oh yeah. Yeah. It's way harder. Something about having it on public. It's, it's like they can't see you right.

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When they're like reviewing it. Right. Which is what you're about.

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Very interesting. Are you on any other like. What do you mean. Of course I am. I'm on Grindr SCRA but also like there's this whole thing about Rhia like so exclusive, like you have to like be someone to like get on it.

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No you don't know really do not know. Know exactly.

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The guy you went on a date with was a musician. Yeah. He was like a singer songwriter. What music do we know any. No. OK, so like here's the thing.

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OK, like after like because we had a second date like after like the food poisoning.

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I'm going to give him another try.

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OK, anyway, it's not going to work out OK, but he was like, you know, I'm a singer. I was like, what are you doing? I'm a singer songwriter but I only have one song.

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OK, it is a cover up song. Do you want to listen to it?

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And I like kind of nodded my head. Yes. And I said no. I said no, I'm good.

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I said that the one on your Instagram. And then he was like, yeah.

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And he said like, I already listen to it, dude, why do singers always sing always any chance they guy. It's like they don't even talk be like bring a guitar with them on the date and they're like, my name is Jesus.

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This is the fact that he said he was a musician, singer songwriter on Rhia and he had one song that was a cover.

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Yeah. No I'm. Oh you're not.

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It's just like please don't sing in front of me like oh my God, I was waiting. I was like, please do not do that. I will. I will. I can't.

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I will do it. I am too nice of a person.

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I can't. I'm too young to start laughing. I would start laughing.

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I need to like take a page out of your book because I am the type that I would be like, yes. And they. Would sing one song and I'd be like, give me another one, hit me with all. Yes, because I'm too naive. No, I can't, I can't. I in tune.

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It's like I get second hand embarrassment. You know what? Next time I'm going to be like, fuck no. Yeah.

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So he was no, he wasn't like anything like, you know, crazy cool. But I think it really just depends like on your aesthetic, like what you're about to get on to.

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Right. Yeah. And then like also like maybe like occupation obviously helps, but like if you're lazy, there's a lot of artsy people on there. Yeah.

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And also apparently you can like, just fucking lie guys. Anyone listening right now say you're a singer songwriter musician and then all you need is one cover of one song and like you said. Right.

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Also another tip I would say is if you're a girl, they just want what they consider super attractive girls.

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So, like, don't worry too much about your occupation on there. Just look hot.

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Yeah, that's that would be my advice for girls. Yeah. Guys, it's a little bit different. They have to, like, beef up the portfolio.

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I wonder how gamin I know. I wonder if it's even harder or like it's a whole different. Why don't you email them and ask them.

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I'm good. I've had my time emailing them. They've gotten that from me. Are you on the league.

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What the fuck is that. It's like a football player. No, I don't do fantasy football. Thank you very much. Do you do eating out for people that love sport? Oh, OK. I love that. Serena, here we.

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Serena Williams and Tom Brady. I know, but that's my internalized misogyny.

[00:24:08]

I want to kiss Tom Brady. I want him to kiss like his eleven year old kid and his dad. Have you seen that? It's his dad. He kisses his dad like that to shut up.

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It's a family thing. Why? And he's from California. I thought it was just like the his kids. Oh, there are pics. There are pictures from the Super Bowl of him doing that with his dad.

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Dude, I didn't I stopped kissing my parents.

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I'm on the lips when I was like in second grade. I mean, this is getting weird. Thank you very much.

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You I thought it was a culture thing. I don't know that.

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Just the one clickstream coin, the one clip with his kid. It was just like it was a little much. But I'm not going to judge it. I'm not I mean, we've seen, like, stop over sexualising.

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Yeah, true. Like me, that could just be a normal thing. But like but I think just maybe society it's society tells us that it's wrong.

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Yeah. It feels wrong when I.

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I wouldn't do that to my kid. I don't think so. Sure. We don't know. Knock it till you try it. No. Yes exactly.

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I'm, I'm so glad we just talked. I almost just like Ted Bundy. I'm so glad we talked about Tom Brady. What about.

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I want to ask about all of these fucking things. Club are you on clubhouse. You've just got me on it.

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Oh, my God. Yes. I just fucking gave you an invite. Just I have no clue what it is. I don't either.

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You guys have heard of clubhouse. It's not a dating app, but it's like it seems like it's like discord.

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Like why am I on? Kind of. But there's like big people on it.

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Like Elon Musk was on the. Why would I want to go on there to listen to Elon Musk.

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I like true crime stuff. Yeah. I mean, this isn't a podcast, Jon. Oh. But I've seen people trading their Rhia like passes for clubhouse passes because, you know, you have to be like invited.

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I mean, yeah, I will give anyone my right pass me to.

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I've literally had people on me and asked me if I have any. I just send them to them.

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I'm not kidding. You know, how many people are going to die? You now that they heard this episode of Variety, I'll give it to you if I have to literally give them all out. OK, so John at John like the Bible, D.M. him and he'll hook it up.

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What about I don't know how many I get also.

[00:26:27]

So don't come like if I don't have any more than like they're not going to go, just going to keep going until they, until like, you know, you might have to like put on your story no more Riabouchinska. Yeah.

[00:26:40]

Definitely more of a clubhouse. Yeah. Or like I know the league.

[00:26:45]

What about fucking what is it called. Oh my God. Oh my God. The Locks Club. What the hell are these outrace.

[00:26:54]

This is destroying. It's a Jewish thing. Oh.

[00:26:58]

If you couldn't tell by the title lox and bagel. It's like a Jewish. It's the it's a right.

[00:27:05]

It's no lox and bagel. The Lox Club is a dating app, but they're like referencing Jewish people because we're all about our lox and bagels.

[00:27:16]

OK, but it's like it's like Rhia, I'm not Jewish. Well, I know, but I'm just explaining it to you. I mean, I know you are I don't even know if you have to be Jewish to join it.

[00:27:26]

But anyways, it's like it's a for Jewish people.

[00:27:30]

OK, so you have to be Jewish. They're like, you need a bar, yamaka and a photo. What is Jewish, though? I don't know how many people are going to be so upset. I'm like, what is it? There is like ethnic Jews and then there's religious Jews.

[00:27:46]

Yes, there's there's yeah, there's I would consider myself ethnically Jewish. I'm not I don't practice.

[00:27:52]

I would have to take a class like even know what I weigh. I'm not OK.

[00:27:59]

You would know. I mean, your mom is German. She is like off the boat when she's 16 years old. So I don't think so if I had to guess.

[00:28:09]

But OK, the craziest thing about so it's called the Lox Club. I don't even think you have to be Jewish to join in.

[00:28:16]

OK, well, why why am I getting on these apps anymore?

[00:28:19]

There are so many because you just said you're living in covid and you got me. I look, I don't want to be like even you you even offered.

[00:28:27]

You're like, oh, like introduce you to some of my friends. And I'm like, honestly, no, I'm good. I'm like I'm like, I'll wait till you move back.

[00:28:33]

I have my friends. I just want them to move back.

[00:28:37]

We need to move on.

[00:28:39]

I'm done talking about Log-in Smith. I'm don't tell about beagles like we're done and sound good though.

[00:28:47]

OK, so I know my listeners love hearing fucking stories about my debauchery I would get into when I was younger. And you are one of the main fucking characters in all of my crazy high school story.

[00:29:03]

All of the episodes I think I was on every episode of that. Every season.

[00:29:07]

Yes, every season of the debauchery when I was younger. So we need to tell them I know we have twenty stories we need to tell them, like one of the craziest ones.

[00:29:15]

I don't even know how we're going to narrow it down. We're doing the Vegas one or the Sudafed one.

[00:29:21]

No, let's do the Vegas one. I love the Vegas. What do that strip is iconic.

[00:29:26]

So I'm eighteen. I'm eighteen years old.

[00:29:30]

You're seventeen. Seventeen. I'm junior. You're senior in high school.

[00:29:35]

So you're leaving on a trip to Vegas with one of our really good friends, Meechie. Yes. You asked me fifty times you were like, Sofia, come, it's going to be so fun, blah, blah, blah. I was super depressed. I think, like I had just gone through a breakup or some shit. Yeah, yeah.

[00:29:50]

And then I randomly I had like something come over. I mean, I call you and I'm like, John, turn the fucking car around. I need you to come get me. I need to go to Vegas.

[00:30:00]

Yeah. You were like I think you're getting wanted to get out. So yes, we ended up like flipping the car around, having to drive forty five minutes back to my house.

[00:30:08]

Worth it, though, because we always have so much, you know, and you're such a good friend that you turned around. Yeah.

[00:30:15]

So I get in the car, we head off to Vegas. Yes. What happened on this Vegas trip?

[00:30:22]

I'm going to try to put into words. It's top five craziest stories in my entire life, maybe top three. Where do we begin?

[00:30:30]

So what we got there and we so OK.

[00:30:34]

So like we said, like, I'm 16 or 17 and I was 18. And we were also with her younger sister, Kiona, and she was a great younger than me. So she was fifteen. Wow.

[00:30:45]

Yeah. So we were all young, young, little chick chick lit. We start drinking this second. The hotel doors open, as you do in Vegas.

[00:30:54]

Honestly were probably drinking on the way there. Oh yeah.

[00:30:58]

And then we decide to walk around Vegas because you know, because what else do you do.

[00:31:04]

You we are we don't have ID right. Babies. We're not going to a club.

[00:31:08]

We thought we were so cool. We're like we're going to go walk the strip. Like why. I'm like we're going to watch. What are you going to do? I was like, I'm going to walk people casino. Like I would rather die than do that.

[00:31:21]

What did we think was going to happen? I have no clue. But a lot of things did. Oh, lot too many. If I, if I could add.

[00:31:28]

OK, so we are just walking through the Luxor hotel because we're so young and we can't fucking do shit. Yeah.

[00:31:35]

So there is a liquor store and me and was a giant store OK.

[00:31:41]

It was like a hotel store. It was like the place where you guys like this.

[00:31:46]

Right. Exactly, yes. So then you mission. I decide to go in there.

[00:31:52]

I don't remember what my plans were. All I know is I am underage. I don't have a fake I.D., which is shocking. My whole life I've had like three or four stashed away. And I swear, I just wanted to like, go in and browse. I see liquor and I grab a bottle and I hide it underneath my sweater and I walk out.

[00:32:15]

OK, Wenonah, which I am I've talked about my shoplifting stories with like, oh God, this is a completely different thing.

[00:32:26]

Are you saying my shoplifting problem? Yes. You would like it.

[00:32:29]

How they go into Forever 21. Just come out with, like, so much jewelry that we would have to untangle it for, like hours. Dude, are you picking up?

[00:32:39]

I started to, like, take jewelry from my friends. I be like, oh, my God, my friend Alyssa would love that.

[00:32:45]

We would go. And I wouldn't even know it was the scariest thing. I would be like, look what I did.

[00:32:49]

I even go into the fucking mall with this girl. Like the most I felt as I kicked a chopstick outside of a holster and I thought I was so bad.

[00:32:59]

OK, but stealing liquor is like a whole different scary thing. Terrifying because that's like that's two misdemeanors right there. Just me even being there.

[00:33:08]

I was like, I'm going to get arrested for just knowing for knowing about it. She showed me the ball. I was like, fuck.

[00:33:15]

And then and then you guys, the craziest fucking part about you and me just split up in the store. Yes. And I split up. I walk outside with this bottle. Michaud walks outside. She didn't have her I.D. at this moment in time because it was stolen.

[00:33:31]

OK, we're about to get to that part.

[00:33:33]

Yeah. She comes out and she's still the exact same liquor, but I did the exact same bottle.

[00:33:41]

It was like it was blue soki. It was a liquor.

[00:33:45]

Yes. Out of all the bottles you both got that it was like I was like, it's the only thing that was available.

[00:33:51]

No, there was all the liquor in the world. We both stole the same one. Very good. It tasted like pixie dust. I know it was. Yeah. I don't know what that was.

[00:33:59]

That's how I just know that like me, she and I are soul sisters to some degree because like who does that, right?

[00:34:06]

Who picks the same bottle without even knowing what the other person's got. Yeah.

[00:34:10]

I call it sources or call psycho sister. You guys left and it escalated when you guys were like trying to find guys.

[00:34:18]

This is one of those moments where, like, I should have died. And I think a lot of people have these. When you think back to how reckless you were when you were younger and you're like, I should have died.

[00:34:27]

Yeah, me too. From a heart attack. Look, John, you're acting so innocent like he had nothing to do.

[00:34:35]

I was baby and I was I. Yeah, I didn't want to partake in the escalator.

[00:34:41]

Right. Let's tell them what that was. There were two men.

[00:34:45]

And, you know, when you're in Vegas, guys are calling girls all day long.

[00:34:50]

That's just what it is. Yeah.

[00:34:52]

And these two guys are sitting in an Escalade roll down the window. Ask me tonight, we want to go in and they're like, we have party favors and we have alcohol, like, come on in with us.

[00:35:01]

And Mitch and I are like, absolutely. Why would we pass up this opportunity to jump in a random ass Escalade?

[00:35:10]

You know, what's the fucked up part is, is an Escalade has like six seats.

[00:35:15]

Why did you leave us? Like, it's because I was a boy. Like, they wouldn't let me in.

[00:35:21]

Oh, my God. Is that why I was like that was that was kind of fucked up. Isn't Mitch and I were like, pee.

[00:35:27]

And we're also as fucked up as I was terrified. I was like, oh my God, they just gone to this escalator. They're just driving off. They're going to get sex trafficked. And I was just walking around like just like, you know, just like, what the fuck are we doing?

[00:35:39]

Terrifying. I apologize for putting you through that. But we did survive, though.

[00:35:42]

We did survive.

[00:35:43]

Did I think we did get party favors from the escalating the men in there, they did drop us off in one piece like they did not do anything to us, which is great.

[00:35:53]

Yeah. And then the story just escalates and it gets worse. Yeah. We meet up with you guys.

[00:36:00]

You're a little bit upset with us, which I totally understand, looking back.

[00:36:03]

Yeah, but we go back up to the room, we take more shots, of course.

[00:36:08]

I mean, we're in Vegas. We got a rally. Absolutely. We go back down to walk around again with nothing to do.

[00:36:16]

I wish we like had apple watches that we would how many steps he's like how many steps.

[00:36:21]

It's just funny because you should have like one planned lined up when you go to Vegas, right? Nothing. Well, because we think we couldn't I know. Couldn't get anywhere.

[00:36:29]

So we start walking around and this time like the shots were really hitting, like I thought I was drunk before when I stole the alcohol.

[00:36:37]

But this was like, oh, I was I was black and like I was obviously brown because we do remember. Do you remember?

[00:36:46]

I remember. But like, it's very, very vague.

[00:36:49]

We are walking through like some mall playing in Hollywood, wherever that is.

[00:36:53]

Let us know we're at that place and we are walking through and my heel break.

[00:37:00]

Your wedge, my wedge, the summer wedge. Oh my God. This strap breaks off and it's like, no, I literally cannot walk in this.

[00:37:09]

Drop the wedges in my hand, walk around barefoot.

[00:37:12]

She's barefoot at this point. I'm just sitting there. I'm walking with her. I'm just like, I mean, you know, she breaks. Let's go. We got to go. We're walking around.

[00:37:20]

I realized, like, you know, we are in Vegas. Like, there could be a rusty needle. There could be, you know, it's not safe to be made of glass.

[00:37:29]

Anything disgusting. Yeah. But yeah, so there's a kiosk and I'm very belligerent once again, because we're looking for shoes. I they're selling crocs as a kiosk.

[00:37:42]

Yes. Crocs kiosk. Yes, yes. You guys have all seen one.

[00:37:47]

I grab a pair of crocs and purple crocs. I thought they were green. They're purple.

[00:37:55]

So all of you are thinking like, OK, so she grabs them and she purchases them. No, I just whip them off the kiosk and I keep walking.

[00:38:03]

Keep on. We just keep walking. No payment. No, no.

[00:38:07]

It was necessary. Like a woman needs shoes. Yes, but a woman could pay for shoes also if she needs them.

[00:38:14]

But woman shouldn't have to if she doesn't want you guys. I steal the fucking crocs. I put them on my feet. So at this point I'm wearing a little club dress, makeup, hair extensions and big ass crocs.

[00:38:27]

Dude, the worst part is that you when we went into the Betsey Johnson store and we were sitting down, these like the workers are like, hi, can we help you if you need anything?

[00:38:38]

And you, like, literally put on the crocs in the Betsey Johnson and then they gave them the trash and then like, walked away and then we walked out.

[00:38:47]

And now she's in these crocs with a cloth dress on the fact that I went into the Betsey Johnson to put them on to put your stolen crocs right outside. It's like not like we walked far away from the kiosk. It was literally like the store over from the kiosk. We have the confidence of a lion. I swear to God.

[00:39:04]

I swear to God they were coming up to us like, do you want to look at the prices? And I'm like, No, I got my card. Thank you. Thank you so much. We're going to go. Thanks.

[00:39:13]

But we leave back to the hotels, Johnson and we're just getting fucked up at the hotel where we belong. We are partying there and we decide to go to sleep. And our friend Moesha didn't want to go to sleep. She didn't want to go to sleep. She had different shit. She had more energy. Apparently, she had a little bit more energy.

[00:39:34]

We were drunk. We passed out. Yes. She invites a guy over to fuck her. Yeah. Someone she met while walking. Yep.

[00:39:41]

And while we're asleep, she's getting fucked on the couch. So we wake up in the morning and we are like, great, amazing. Like it was our day to leave. Yeah, we were ready to leave.

[00:39:55]

We were just like, OK, it's been a wild trip. Let's go home. Yup.

[00:39:59]

Yeah. It wasn't that wild yet because the man that came over to fuck Nesha stole all of her belongings.

[00:40:07]

Yes. In her wallet. Including her wallet.

[00:40:11]

What a guy. What a guy. So Moesha wants her fucking wallet back as she should want her wallet back and she's like, guys, I'm just going to text him to get it back. And I remember the whole time she was saying that I'm like, I don't know if he's the type to steal your wallet after fucking you. I don't think he's going to respond. I don't think we're going to get the wallet.

[00:40:37]

Like I thought she was in denial. Yeah, she texted the guy and he says, what the fuck does he say?

[00:40:45]

He's like being like, oh, I don't know what you're talking about. I know you're talking about and. Right. And then that's when she's like, where's my wallet?

[00:40:52]

Like, she's like, I'm going to call the cops on you. And then you're like, oh, on this.

[00:40:56]

She goes AWOL on him, as she should. And then I remember her saying, like, you can keep the cash in it, like I just need my I.D.. Yeah. And the guy was still engaging with her and the guy said, I'm going to leave it at the front desk of the Flamingo. Right. The Flamingo is a hotel in Vegas. So now we are on operation. Find the wallet in Vegas, Operation Wallet find.

[00:41:20]

Yup. In the car I think was using OnStar. Yeah. Something like that or something like that.

[00:41:27]

And we can't find the Flamingo Hotel. So we are talking to the OnStar person and we just keep saying where is the flamingo.

[00:41:39]

And mind you were like so hung over. Yeah.

[00:41:41]

Like we are dead and we're not articulating our words because we're so fucked up. And so we just kept saying, where's the Flamingo? And I'm pretty sure the guy on OnStar was like, I don't. What do you mean the Flamingo? Flamingo is there like one on the loose, like, I can help you find it. We were like the Flamingo Hotel. All right.

[00:42:00]

So finally we find the Flamingo Hotel. Shockingly surprisingly, the guy did leave it at the front desk. Guys, there are good people. Are there people? They'll steal your wallet, but they will return it. They will take the cash.

[00:42:15]

Alex no, he did it, but he left the wallet. He's standing by. What a guy. Stand up guy.

[00:42:22]

Yeah. So that's just a little bit about that trip. That's a trip that, like, I really think I should have died or been arrested. I think so, too, but we lived to tell the tale and now we I hate Vegas. I will never go there again. Well, you did go there again and got your laptop stolen, but that's a different Vegas story. That was my last time.

[00:42:45]

So that's our story. Let's move on to fucking listener questions, please.

[00:42:52]

Oh. What do Matthew McConaughey and Harry Styles both have in common besides the fact that every single person wants to fuck them?

[00:43:04]

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[00:43:42]

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[00:43:45]

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[00:46:17]

John, listener questions and advice. Oh, I love these because I never know them beforehand. I know. So you're going to be surprised or some good shit in here. Let's go. This girl wrote in, How do you slide into someone's DMS without sounding like a fucking loser? Came out of a long term committed relationship and I feel lost.

[00:46:40]

OK, OK. So I can't say that I personally tried to like D.M. a guy to hit on him.

[00:46:50]

However, what I would say is no dude getting a dime from a girl is going to find it weird.

[00:46:58]

No, I mean honestly, it's really flattering to get Daems. Yeah.

[00:47:03]

And it's not like what it's going to do, be like, oh my God, you show me, you know, and like what I would do because I do I do slide into the D.M. sometimes and like I'll just like pick something like from their photos and I'll be like, I really like your style or like or you know, like I really like, you know, whatever I'll relate something to like something other post.

[00:47:20]

I think that's like the best way to go about it is like say something about their both. Don't say something about their pose from 2011. Oh yeah. That's to me a little creepy like their most recent book. And I'm not saying Yeah exactly.

[00:47:34]

Or their story also, but that's a good one to like on this right now. Yes. Also though I think like when a girl gets a D.M. from a dude, it's different, it has a different vibe. When a girl is Demming a guy, they're more than happy to take your.

[00:47:50]

Yeah, yeah. They're like more, more.

[00:47:53]

More. Yes. It's it feels good for their ego, number one.

[00:47:58]

Number two. And I said this so many times and I will continue to say it, guys, when you get there, Dick, what they really do, they're horny as fuck. You are a man. You're gay, you're still horny as fuck. I don't know.

[00:48:12]

I mean, OK, fine.

[00:48:13]

I'm not like a like a friggin psycho straight man.

[00:48:17]

Bottom line, they want to get their dick wet and they're going to respond to you even if you deem them a hi your Q Hey. Like don't say hey, what's up. Actually see their Q see they're hot.

[00:48:31]

I don't like that really.

[00:48:32]

I don't like that. I think you, I honestly think you said it.

[00:48:35]

I think the best thing would be to like if you post a story, respond, respond to it and say like, like oh my gosh. Like where is this or like what. Yeah.

[00:48:43]

Is that I think that you could be like, hey, I think you're hot. John thinks that's too forward, but whatever the fuck you say, it's most likely fine.

[00:48:53]

Yeah. I wouldn't, I wouldn't even double thinking.

[00:48:55]

I would say just send it. I don't even. Yeah I would, I don't second guess that. Send whatever the fuck you want. Yeah. For real.

[00:49:03]

A little like a little cliche but yellow. Yeah. I get that girl. OK, next question Haisla. I have a serious situation. My boyfriend and I live together and he got a little too drunk the other night. I walked into our room and he was passed the fuck out but Gurinder was pulled up on his phone. Naturally I went through everything and he had been sending pictures of his dick to other men and also receiving these pictures. I freaked the fuck out and had to leave, but we talked about things the next day.

[00:49:37]

I was really understanding and open minded and asked him if he wanted to explore that side and he claimed that he didn't want to do that. I guess my question is, how do I move forward and try and trust him again? And do you think that he wants to dabble with that side but just doesn't want to come out as gay or bisexual help?

[00:49:58]

Oh, my gosh. Great question. This is from a girl. Yes. Oh, oh. John saying he wants Dick.

[00:50:07]

I mean, he does. There's no way like also I would already be so annoyed. We already said, like, even if my boyfriend, like, downloaded Rylander, he was on Grindr, I would be like already like, you know, if my boyfriend was asking for pussy pictures, I would be like, fuck you, get out.

[00:50:24]

Exactly.

[00:50:25]

So he's like, this is even weirder and weirder. But like, this sucks even more because it's like he's obviously into guys right here all like obviously he's bisexual, obviously bisexual.

[00:50:37]

Already clear that. Yeah, he's getting he's getting in sending dick pics and he's hiding the entire aspect of his sexuality for. Yeah.

[00:50:45]

Or he's gay but he's not straight. I can tell you that much because I don't think straight guys are going. I don't define that as straight going through.

[00:50:52]

No. On Grindr straight guys are not sending dick pics and asking for them back.

[00:50:56]

Like if you download the app like you're already you're at least bisexual.

[00:51:00]

It's not even sending the dick pics.

[00:51:02]

If you have Grindr on your phone, you're not straight. So I would already be kicking this guy out. He is cheating first and foremost. And if he is bisexual, he is hiding that entire aspect of his sexuality for me.

[00:51:14]

All right. And like, I don't know if you want to, like, entertain. That lifestyle, like maybe like bringing that into the bedroom itself. If he doesn't want to at all, though, then I would. I don't like this guy, I don't like them.

[00:51:26]

I would say, like, fine, you know, maybe a guy that is like not doing that and then maybe this guy just kind of can go fuck off. So that's it. Next question.

[00:51:41]

Hi, Sophia. I love the podcast. So I have a topic that is not been discussed on the part yet. Long story short, my ex-boyfriend asked me if he had the biggest dick I fucked and I said no. This crushed his ego and he started researching how to make his dick bigger. He began dick growing exercises to stretch his dick.

[00:52:04]

Please let me know if you have ever heard about this before. Oh, baby. SEATO. Oh, that's so sweet.

[00:52:12]

So that's I heartbreaking to me. Oh boy, that's poor guy. Kind of.

[00:52:20]

But like it's it's the same thing. If I were to ask the guy I'm dating, do I have the tightest pussy you've ever had. Well like I didn't get the answer he was looking for.

[00:52:31]

I mean, no, but trust me, when you when you let's just put it this way. The guy that I the guys I've dated in the past, I know I have not had the tightest pussy.

[00:52:43]

I don't know anything about your godmamma.

[00:52:47]

We're not commenting on vagina's. I'm just saying, like, I know better than to ask a question like that, because I'm pretty sure once the guy has fucked 50 plus girls, I don't have the tightest pussy. Right.

[00:52:59]

I mean, like also what kind of question is that? Like, why is she asked, like, who's this the biggest dick you've ever seen?

[00:53:04]

And then he goes and takes like steroid shots, like it's a little dramatic, but like if you are to use it, you know how to use you've got this far and you just found out you had a small dick like come on. Like it doesn't make sense. It's not adding up for me. I feel like I honestly don't think dick size even matters.

[00:53:21]

It doesn't.

[00:53:22]

I mean, come on. Like to a certain extent, like it matters or needs to be like something. They're right.

[00:53:29]

Yeah. I've seen some pretty small dicks, but this guy is I just think he's in the wrong for asking that.

[00:53:36]

I think if he is going to ask something like that, it's it's similar to asking, like, what's your number? How many more have you had sex with. Like they ask you that shit just lie or just don't ask questions.

[00:53:46]

You don't want to answer the wrong answer to like expect the truth.

[00:53:50]

I know, but I'm telling her to lie to him and telling him to like it. Don't ask questions if you don't want an honest answer.

[00:53:58]

Honestly, I don't think I could lie, though. I would be lying if I would say no. If if I. If it weren't, I would be like, obviously no. If the guy I so I don't think it's wrong by her. I think he's just has a weird ego thing.

[00:54:09]

Girlfriend, you just need to make it known that you did nothing wrong. Girl No you didn't do anything wrong.

[00:54:16]

But now I'm going to I'm going to try to see it from his perspective.

[00:54:20]

And like you said and when I first answer, you were like, oh, I sympathize with the guy, really. He's trying to sound like he's really concerned about it. Right. Which is obviously sad. But I mean, he needs to work on his, like, self-confidence.

[00:54:34]

That's it really only matters like if he's good and bad, if he knows how to use it, then, yeah, I don't even matter.

[00:54:39]

But and as the girl, he needs therapy for his answer. He can go there too. Yeah.

[00:54:45]

There, there he goes. I think it's that big of a deal for the girl that wrote the questioning though. Just make it known that he fucks you so amazing and that's why you're with him. Just I just really make it known.

[00:54:58]

If he does then say that just keeping honest. Yes. And then you'll get satisfied. Yes.

[00:55:03]

And I mean, if you want to backtrack on your lie, you could be like, well, you know, so much you don't have the long shots are really working, babe. I see a big difference.

[00:55:15]

No, you want to. Oh, yes. Oh, OK. You can tell that he isn't working on stretching logic because it is long down here.

[00:55:28]

Yeah. He needs to start doing ads for this guy's product. Yeah. Girlfriend just fucking just see his big has grown to. It's like the Grinch his dick has grown to. Size is not your deal or your Christmas.

[00:55:44]

John. I think we are out of time. I love you so much. I love you.

[00:55:50]

Can't wait to be doing this when I'm in New York recording there home to me too. If you guys want to follow him, you absolutely should do it again on Instagram at John. Like the Bible.

[00:56:03]

Twitter. No, I only have Instagram tock. I have to talk to John like the Bible to it's John. Like the Bible. Thanks for having me. Thank you, John. And I will be talking to you guys in. Next week.