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Do the trashy pulp novels of the world have anything to offer our best sellers, all they're cracked up to be here, a terrible book club.
We explore whether you really can judge a book by its cover or its ridiculous synopsis, never past a book and thought I was reading this.
We probably are.
Hello and welcome to Episode 89 of the Terrible Book Club in Paris. This is Chris. Hello. And this is our special guest today, T.J.. Oh, this time we read a lot of the fold by Terry Goodkind book three in the Sword of Truth series. We are back in the Midlands with Richard and Colin Calon Kailin, however you want to say it, as well as TJ, who is our Woods guide throughout these dumb and horny lands. If you're interested to know more about Terry Goodkind sort of true series, you can check out episodes three and twenty two of the terrible book club where we reviewed Wizard's First Rule and Stone of Tears, respectively.
This is your first time listening to the show.
What we do here at the Terrible Book Club is we read books that we assume will be bad and this is based on their cover title summary or some combination of those three things.
So we do the opposite of what most people do when they're in a bookstore or browsing through titles on Amazon. Usually this experiment results in a disappointing read once in a while. We actually end up liking the book today for content warnings. We have our usual barnyard language plus sex. Oh man. The series is horny as fuck.
Yep, we got body shaming, ageism, torture, violence and sexual assault are annoying friend who just won't leave the content warning party parece before you read the summary of the book.
How many episodes in a row have we done with that in the morning recently? I mean, I don't know. But if you go by percentage, it's a it's a majority. Yeah, it's HUF, Wolf.
You'll do a lot of fantasy, right. Like I feel like that happens so much in fantasy.
It does, but a lot of our output isn't, I would say like that you do like. Oh no, a ten to fifteen percent fantasy books and the the rest is just it, it keeps showing up.
Yeah. Anyway we'll talk about that as we get into the content of the episode. So the summary for Blood of the Fold is thus Richard Russell and Colin Kahl on Kaylin UMNO stand against the forces that besieged the New World forces so terrible that when they last threatened the wizards of long ago, sealed off the old world from the new. Now that barrier has been breached. The fanatical blood of the folds, sworn enemies of magic, Rome, the new world, unwitting pawns of the sorcerers, evil at the heart of the old to save the world.
Richard and Colin Kahl on Kailin must become one with the power of their love and their truth.
Capitalised truth is capitalized. OK, I guess let's just settle this right at the start.
This is already an issue.
How are we doing? Paris. OK, Colin, Colin or Colin? Well, T.J. is the authority on the matter, so I will default to his pronunciation. T.J., what is your preferred pronunciation for our main female lead here?
I just like Kaitlyn because the other one sound too close to the male name calling.
OK, Kaitlyn, it is Kaitlyn. All right. We're getting established right at the outset.
All right, Chris, you want to go over our our characters and setting? Yeah, why not?
I mean, we're going to meet some new folks in here, but we've got the main crew to start us off, which is, you know, Richard Kailin, Z, Gretsch Addae.
And yeah, that's pretty much the core group of protagonists, right? Yeah. You like Virna. Sure, I assume she she's a major focus in this book, but I don't know if, you know, in previous books she probably didn't have quite as much of a role.
There are more chapters in this one.
So you see, oh, T.J., we're going to fight or to fight. All right, Chris, sorry. Go ahead. Yeah.
So we've got Sister Virna taking a major role amongst all because we haven't left school. It's still prominent.
So we're still spending still, you know, spending some semesters and school. There's a crew of Sisters of the Dark named Liscio, Marissa, Aamina, Toves Cecillia and Nikki who pop in and out here. Sometimes we've got Tobias, Bragin and Luneta of the blood of the folds, which we'll have plenty to talk about. Geumgang the emperor. What a name there.
Then we've got a Codrea of more Sith that pop up as Richard's bodyguards. Burdine, Holly and Raina, right?
Mm hmm. Yeah. Way Holly, is that.
Yes. Yes, yeah. Yeah. Right, right.
So that's why you don't remember her, because she's there to die quickly. No. So it's Burdine, Kara and Rayna.
Yeah. They all have red uniforms, but she's the red uniform of the red, right. Yeah.
We also had war war in the prophet pre Angelina and Nathan. Yeah.
And then we've got various Darran soldiers, which really unimportant honestly there's a couple that are named doesn't really matter.
And then we've got the various magical creatures like, you know, I don't know if you want to call them characters, but they do speak. There's some risk with from the last book those invisible lizard type of people there, they're popping up again.
And yeah, I think that's the whole ensemble dramatic, right?
Yeah. Yeah, I think so. All right, so, again, if you're not familiar with this fantasy world and you actually care, you can go back to episodes three and twenty two. T.J. was also our guest guide on episode twenty two. If you don't give a shit, though, let's let's head on out. Let's go. All right.
So first things first, Paris. How hot is each sister of the dark?
We need to get down to business immediately. Yeah, because that's what Teri decides to do.
That's how you open a book, right? You start ranking the hotness of of some nude accessory female characters. It's how you start a book. So let's set the scene here. There are six naked women in a ship. Hold our cold and frightened. It seems like they're frightened, but turns out they're not because they're they the ones that bought the ship and they're just naked and freezing in a ship hold.
It's very much as if they're prisoners.
They're they're they're frightened and feeling imprisoned because of Jiugong who is in their dreams. But no, they are not physically imprisoned.
That's sort of Teri's little writing twist up at the up at the top here. Right. Is like I will say that that's one decent move there that he did. Terry, I will just say this. All right. Terry has the potential to have some good writing here in there. Oh, yeah, for sure.
Good. This book touches on interesting things, like it's kind of interesting in the start when they're talking about Zhigang, like in their dreams and they're like, oh, the keeper of the underworld is like saying, we have to follow this guy now. So we'll do it for now. And that's why they're so scared. But they're also like kind of above it all, like, oh, this is just a man. We don't care about him. But, you know, they're still terrified for whatever reason.
Yeah. And these and these women are talking about it's sisters, Alicia, Marissa, Aamina, Ottavi, Cecilia and Nikki, who are the Sisters of the Dark from the previous book, who kind of defected to serve ostensibly Satan in this universe. The the what? Sorry, I called the keeper. The keeper. Thank you. For some reason.
Yeah. So we can't score a goal. That's the important thing. And yeah, I don't but yeah. Like Chris, Chris made this point. It's like I don't understand why they're all sleeping naked just on basic ass mattresses in a ship that they rented. It's kind of weird. I know.
It's so Terry Goodkind can detail describe their naked bodies.
Oh yeah. That's what I'm sorry. I meant. I meant I was searching for a real reason in the text. I know, but that's the real reason.
Paris, like Terry, like I noticed immediately that Terry hates, like, old fat women so much that he had to make up a bunch of fictional ones just to mock their bodies.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah. That's just how this starts. And I was immediately annoyed was just fuck man. Like, why, why are we going to do this?
And they're not even that old. It's like one of those forty and he's like this already with the creature.
One of the lines is not as old as the other two women, but still attractive. It's like, OK, some barbershop talk anyway. Oh they're all yeah. Look, they're all up on in the boat and then you're like, oh, they're naked. They must be in prison. No, they're just sleeping together that way because I don't know, Terry had his pants down when he was writing this first chapter immediately.
OK, it's kind ever not jerking off while writing a serious. I think he's rubbing it. Yeah, yeah, there's Kathy at all times, right? Like the kind you can get away with on the train.
OK. All right.
Well, anyway, they come out of the hold naked because that's what hot ladies do, right? As they just walk in and then some sailors look at them and then they're murdered for looking at the naked women that stepped out onto their ship deck because they're evil naked women, you see.
Yes. And that's the end of the chapter. Pretty much. Yeah. It starts off in a real weird foot. Yeah, I don't know, and then we switch back to Richard and Greg, and we're just talking about how Gracia's a weird thing in the series. I kind of like on the other justified at the end, like I like at least they kind of did. But with the with the ladies up top, like just sorry to plot summarize, but basically all that happens, they come out, they yell at the guys for looking at them even though they're naked.
And then they basically said, like, turn this ship around to go towards the guy that had them terrified in their dreams.
So, yeah, nothing makes sense in that.
Yeah, they were. I know they were initially going the opposite way and then they're suddenly like, no, we have to go back and it's OK. What was even the point of this chapter? I don't know.
Granjeno Gracia's weird because he's kind of I kind of wish he was accorded more of a human role and more personhood because he's clearly got high levels of sentience, like he understands human language and intention. And I don't know, I just I don't know how I feel about the. Weird kind of role that he has, it's sort of strange, I don't know if I mentioned yet that he's like a big furry beast monster that can fly.
No, I mean, yeah, we should probably mention we probably mentioned what this is Gracia's of he's a GA. Yeah, which is I don't even know if there's a I want to see if there's like a image on the Internet.
Yeah, he's like a gargoyle. That's why that's Paris. It's just gargoyle with the goil chopped off.
Wow. I feel really stupid for not realizing that. Oh, my God. It's not just us. Pick that up.
No way. But what about the blood flies? That's like extra gross.
Sure. That's just his spin on gargoyles. Yeah. You have to add something.
Oh look, man, I get that. Oh yeah.
I didn't either. And I've read this as I was like 11, so I gotta go.
But I think Paris I think the problem you have is like his speech pattern, which make him seem stupid, let's say, but he can follow directions. But then he does the whole catchlove, how do you say this, everyone, Richard, Grare Club card as kind of how the text reads, just like swallow each word at the end.
And he's a big sentient puppy for Richard to command, to do hard things, and he can also see movies with which have been attacking the way he's back it.
Where's Richard again? Eat and drink. Reiser's Palace. The Confessor's, Palestinian drill. Yeah.
And so some rischbieth have been showing up and they're invisible reptiles. But Richard is pretty good against them because he can just sense them, which is the beginning of my major problem with Richard in general and of course, still in this book, which is just that Richard can do it because he's protagonist and always correct and he will always be OK. It doesn't matter if there's any invisible creatures here because he can just sense them. So any danger from them is nullified against Richard because of his, I don't know, lizard smell abilities.
He's like Goku and Jesus rolled up into one. Yes. Well, and then and then it's, you know, first it's like, well, Richard is the only person who can sense them and then come to find out, oh, no, GA's can just see them like all. GA's can just see more swith.
And somehow nobody else has figured this out yet they don't interact because I think they're like in very different areas of the world at this point. But yeah, maybe so I'm going to stop justifying the bad right? No, no, no, no. The writing from later.
No, it's not it's not necessarily bad writing. I just I yeah. I guess I do feel like it's it's kind of lazy to to be like, oh, Richard's best friend and protector can also see them now. Oh by the way, his entire species can see them.
So his entire species was specifically created to see them. We find out.
Right. Yeah. And so it's not just location, Terry. So to me that's a problem. Exactly.
And there's no they don't have to work for any real solutions. Things like it's just like, oh, good thing. Those wizards from thousands of years ago already took care of this for us. I mean, the whole reason we're on scratch here is because there's like a marries with encounter with Richard and Rach, that he's basically they get out of it mostly unscathed.
I don't think Richard even takes a wound just a little bit, but he's fine after all that.
And then he sends I don't think he sends Brach off at this point.
That's a little bit later. But you're just getting the feel for and Richard's relationship established so that he can be sent off to do a long form errand later on.
Chris, I'm just going to jump to your question for me about mercy, if you would like to ask me. Sure.
So this is a little bit out of context for TJ, since he hasn't read Malazan, as he told us a little bit off here before, he's only ever read this book series. He claims so few others.
But anyway, so in Malazan, they also have lizard creatures called the Change Schmoll, which are basically raptors with knives, four hands. And I wanted to ask parece what's cooler Marías with or Catrine small.
As much as I love Malazan Keatinge, Jamal always seemed kind of dumb. I love me. Some swords and lizards are fine, but why do we have to give the lizard sword arms? Why is this a thing? Why do we get to combine lizards and sharp stuff? It's almost like you get to like a preteen in a mall and he walks by the pet store and he's like, yeah, lizards. And he walks by, you know, the sketchy weapons stories against swords.
Come on, man. What if I put those together? Like, that's the origin of all fantasy author like us male fantasy authors in the last couple of decades. I like I remember reading Malazan and reading about them all and being like, you've got to be fucking kidding me.
They're lizards with swords for arms. That's so stupid. I just I did not like that.
What you're saying is Terry Goodkind makes better magical creatures than Stephen Erickson.
No, I didn't I didn't give you my ruling about which is better. Oh, I thought. I thought that's where we're headed. I assumed. I'm sorry.
No, the I mean, the murse with her are just like kind of your garden variety lizard person, you know, with indivisible, with they have capes that make them invisible. Right. Oh, I yeah, I think that I don't know if that's a good question. I don't know Richard. Yeah, yeah. Richard has the tape.
Oh, you mean this would explain magic happening and sort of truth? Heavens, yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. I mean, and they have so much with our kind of your standard lizard folk if you've ever played a fantasy game or d and they've got, you know, clearly got a language, they've got these, these weapons kind of like imagine Wolverine claws, you know, that they kind of but obviously they're not in their flesh. They're weapons.
They slip their hands into. I'm sure they have a name, Pantera. What. What Cantero.
Are you serious? Yes. Is that really Cantarell? Yes, I thought it was just a stupid Southerner name.
Like I didn't I don't know what's up in Terracross, like when you have a three clode weapon that you grab in your hand and slap like bovver, there's like a yerbury.
So, yeah, in this series, The Yabbering, but in real life it's called a Pantera.
Oh my God. I've like blown your guys minds twice this episode. Wow.
I feel prepared for some revelations.
I had no idea. I thought, I thought that was just a wow. Wow. OK, moving on.
Is the first wizard Aristarchus or Chris Christie?
Chris Musiker. OK, all right.
For so sorry. We're still talking about Mahrous with. So anyway there lizard folk they have these Schouler Pastorek. Which ones cooler.
Look the change smile. OK, problem. But it's all OK continuing with the story. OK anyway.
Fine, we can move on from the, from the well basically Gretsch and Richard just like they dispatch a bunch of mice with and they impress like this cook lady who is scared of scratch before, but now she knows he's good because you just saw him rip apart a bunch of creatures and that makes her want to hug him for some reason. It's like, OK, that's that's the book read. All right. On to Chapter four.
Who religious zealots. And then the next. Yeah. And then the next. We're introduced to Tobias Brogan and his sister Luneta. Brogan is the leader of the blood of the fold. Who are this like, I don't know, anti magic military force, if that makes sense. And they are part of the erm perio orders that right.
Do not yet know they heard good things, but they aren't part of them yet.
Oh I thought they were under some other king that they dispatched because they decided he was magical leaning.
Yes. They were originally under this once. Yeah.
They were under that king and they killed him because he was magic flavored for whatever reason and they broke off to form their own band of magic killers. Hmm. I don't know whatever it was.
See, when T.J. saw that we were reading this book, finally he pointed to the title of the book Blood of the Folds, and he, you know, said something that didn't turn out to be true in the course of this, from what I understood from reading it.
But it was completely sellable to me, knowing Terry Goodkind, basically, I was trying to figure out what is the blood of the folds.
And I immediately landed on menstrual blood.
Yeah, I had the same thought. I was like, oh, this is going to be some book about, like magical menstrual blood. I could see that happening.
But luckily it's not, which makes so much more sense than what they actually are like. I don't know the reason for that name.
I just know they've been around forever because eighty was like that's why she was blind and can't talk because the blood to the fold poured like molten iron down her throat or whatever way they've been around for at least a while.
I had been learning that, yeah, you should and it's dumb, but she can talk just fine.
Yeah. She uses her magic to like heal her throat. But like when she was being tortured, they, like, brought in her boyfriends, like, well, she could say anything right now and you'd be free, but she can't because they poured iron down her throat and like, yeah, she killed herself.
That's why they talk about her talking with the rasp. It sounds like, you know, Gravell going down their throats because they burned her.
So I that's how I know they were around. I know that she. Yeah.
I mean, I knew that she had dealt with them before. I just didn't remember that detail. So thank you. Yeah. So, yeah.
So we're we're introduced to Tobias Brogan, our sister. And this is I'm going to go on a rant about the depiction of evil in literature. So come along with me, friends. So you're immediately supposed to know this is big, bad, evil guy. Right. And so to demonstrate that they're like, hey. He cuts off nipples and lets his friend rape people, and you're like, oh, all right. And for me, I just again, so obviously representation is an endorsement.
Like, of course, you have to have bad characters, but can we get more creative villains or at least descriptions of heinous acts that aren't voyeuristic and shallow? Because that's how they are in this in the series? Like, personally, I'd rather be way deeper into the kind of the perpetrator like who they are and how they came to be way deeper into the mind of the victim than reading something as simple as. And then he cuts her nipple off and his friend rapes her like it's just cartoonish and it makes it feel less as though you should be thinking, oh, fuck, the world is awful.
People born of awful circumstance. Let me let me sit with this and think about it. And it ends up being more like a bad guy in fantasy book. Bad good thing I can't relate to this at all. I can just keep reading, which serves no one for me like a villain is much more compelling and alive, as is the book in which that villain appears when you can find yourself agreeing with them sometimes or understanding how their psychosis has evolved.
And and this the Terrys villains are so fucking shallow. God, they're like I said, so shallow, so cartoonishly evil. It drives me nuts.
OK, Daquan role is like comparatively like mildly nuanced compared to every other villain that he does. Like the friend you keep talking about, like he explicitly states. I prefer rape to having consensual sex.
Like broken is like I can have my sister cast a spell so she no, she doesn't put up a fight, which is also awful. But like the guy literally says, what fun would that be? It's like I thought a person I know. What person is that? Yeah.
I mean, and of course there are horrible monsters in reality, but there's complexity to how those people came to be and how they operate. It's not really. Yeah, it's it's unconvincing and it comes off as, like I said, just voyeuristic and shallow like that. The whole rape scene and torture scene of the beginning is just fuck man.
Terry is the kind of guy where you're like even if it's like a group of friends that are all rapists, if a guy says that, like, hey, man, what's going on with you?
Even to rapists, we're we all know we did. But well, I mean, to be honest. Yeah.
Look, I know this is, you know, a hard thing to talk about, but. Why is that, Chris and I have talked about it a lot on the show because we, as we said the beginning, we so often have to deal with sexual assault in media. I just think that there's a way to portray it that is more nuanced and more interesting, even if it's difficult to read. And this is not it. It's not it.
This is the bad way to go about it, because then you are actually.
I'm trying to think of does Terri has he written a villain that does not rape? No, they all right. Oh. I guess they all do, don't they? Well, and this is why I feel like this kind of a system super sucks because it's all forceable. I got it. I'm so I'm really sorry for saying this, but it's all like forceable male on female penetrative rape. Right. Like and I fucking hate I'm sorry that I even had to say that, but like, that is all that Terrys villains do.
It's kind of all he focuses on.
I think the only example where that's reversed is when Richard is being tortured by the late Mercedes's said thank you.
And it's like a good that's like comparatively like makes you think he might do something interesting with his rape's in the future because it's like pretty much an extended thing. I've heard of repeatedly raping Richard, if you like. I want to call it.
This has been a rough couple, but yeah, I'm glad to get away from it. Yeah, but I got to say it again. Yeah. So in the first book, the main character is raped and tortured by a woman. But after that I just want to say Richard never deals with that trauma. Never does. It's like he's just done with it after it happened and it's like a man and he pushes it down.
That's exactly. Yeah. And back to his thoughts, he's like, no pushing that down, pushing it.
Whereas whereas all I feel like all women who are abused in this series, I mean do they all they all die, are enslaved forever and destroyed. Is that kind of right.
Some of them survive and move on.
There's I mean, there's also like it depends on at what point because like, Caitlyn was, oh. Attempted to have been assaulted many times. But her being the main female character, I guess you have to keep her untouched for whatever reason with so, you know, stuff like.
Yeah, like even stuff like that. It just reveals that very like black and white way of seeing everything, everything and sort of truth is very clearly black and white, evil or good, pure or, you know, unpure.
And also just the idea that yeah. You can't let Caitlyn be, you know, God fuck I'm sorry, but he can't let her really quote unquote really get raped because then as T.J. said, yeah, it would ruin her as a protagonist, which is a fucked up way to think, Jesus Christ, I can't believe. Oh, sorry. I know we've been talking about this for like ten minutes, but it's just it really drives me nuts that all so many books, especially fantasy books, have these these kind of thoughts about.
Yeah. About purity and sexual assault and things like that.
What's funny is like later in the book to like Caitlyn forgives Richard for sleeping with another woman, which he didn't do. So it's like not only does she have to be pure, but she has to like, forgive him for any perceived potential infidelity. Like she gives it a hall pass.
Oh, yeah, totally. Yeah. Yeah. Another great example of just the gross thinking that seeps out of the pages of this book, whenever anything horny is brought up and horny is brought up all the time.
So yes, I know we've been sticking on this for like the past five to seven minutes, but it's just so woven into the fabric of sort of truth that you can't not talk about it for at least fifteen minutes.
So prepare for more of this to come up, everyone.
Yeah, so. So the fuck school is back. If you weren't here. All horniness. Yeah.
If you weren't here for episode twenty two, Fox School is the the Palace of the Prophets managed by the Sisters of the Light. It is in its own little time bubble where time moves much more slowly. So people that live at the palace, the prophets age very, very slowly and live for hundreds or thousands of years. Hundreds. Yeah, hundreds of years. And we're back there a little bit to see Virna. A little more. But yeah, the Fox school is just man.
So the whole idea of Fox school, the reason we keep calling it that is there the idea is that these Sisters of the light train wizards, so all wizards are male and this is just the light are magical. But they're not confessor's. They have different powers. They're just like female wizards.
Basically, they train wizards by collaring them and fucking them basically.
And seems like like wizards at a certain point, got so greedy with their power that they refused to teach young wizards. So the Sisters of the Light, like, well, we'll take up the mantle and train these young wizards. But twist females can't teach males like. Don't know how to do it, they just suck for whatever reason, they have to have this place where time moves slow because it takes these dumb broads decades and centuries just to teach one wizard how to, like, make a thing of fire.
So that's there and that and they fuck them because they want more wizards like, well, that's how we reproduce people with the gifts.
They also fuck them because you see, young men have to have the focus fucked into them because you see they can't focus if their dick is not being fucked all the time, that they can't control their urges as seen it like doesn't.
Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Remember, this is from 1996. So whenever I saw shit like that, I was like it was a different time and I just turned the page.
I don't know, man. It's still pretty inexcusable. No, absolutely. The whole the whole.
And again, we've talked about how this book, uh, yeah. The series is not really kind anyone in terms of we're talking binary genders here because in the sort of two series, there is nothing else.
Let me tell you, even non-white people know. Yeah, there's literally I'm not a single non-white person in the entirety of this book series.
So like gender binary.
Oh yeah. And yeah, I mean, if the book is not kind of men or women, women have got. Yeah. I'm an equal opportunity offender.
Oh God. Sorry I lost my point. I was. Oh right. The whole men can't control their urges thing. That's fucking bullshit. Like can we, can we not do that. Can we not. No. Because I encourage that. And readers please like everything.
Honestly, everything in a very good kind of world is extremely binary because we've got the good and bad, pure and unpure, male and female with how like the the, the magic works because you've got additive and subtractive. One gender can use one and another gender can use the other. Unless you're a man who is a war wizard who can use both. Chris, that's not really not. Oh shit.
I got a four yeth for thousands of years. People were born with additive and subtractive magic and at certain point subtractive started dying and eventually they just didn't have it anymore. The Sisters of the Dark have subtractive magic because they get raped in the forest by that demon creature. All right.
Of course. Oh, right. And Richard has it just because he's a very special boy.
Oh, how could I forget? OK, all right. Well, we're getting that settled for. Well, I just wanted to have a little point about how everything is binary.
It's very binary. Just. Yeah. So binary that it's like the broad's only have the minus stuff because they just take from you.
Hey, that's how I thought it was for the whole day.
It didn't really seem like that I'd be marginally fair to this guy. OK, minor league.
And to be to be clear, I think we all find binary things pretty boring. And that's why it's not good for us. I mean, for me anyway. I just I don't it's very dumb. Yeah. I don't find it very boring. I rather I do find it very boring. I'm sorry I can't talk today. All right. Where the fuck are we in the story.
We were back at school because. Yeah, because Sister Ferner basically Sister Ferner gets named relates by a magic deists mocking ex machina thing, which is just how every problem plot point starts in this series. Turns out the last pretty late and Allena left the ring that if you can put the ring on or was it you to touch it or something? It was the sword, the stone kind of thing. Yes. I read this I read this book like two months ago.
I was a little fuzzy. It was magic.
Finished it five minutes before this started.
Oh, wow. Fresh. Just got done folding blood. He is his hands are still covered. Yeah. Very good.
Picked as new pre late because Angelena left a magic ring on a pedestal that chooses the new pre late and then she does like two or three chapters of her just doing like admin work where she's swamped by all the paperwork and she doesn't know how to delegate.
And that's a big problem. That's her major conflict for a couple of chapters with Virna.
Yeah, I mean, my whole thing was like, Virna, come on, we all need, like a CFO or CFO to sign off on shit so you can just do what you need to do. I said you've been alive long enough to know this. Deputise someone else to do this shit. She figures it out like halfway through the book. And it's a huge revelation to her that she can delegate because today it turns out the previous pilot wasn't really dead.
She faked her own death and she's sending messages through a journey book and that that the former pilot is just, hey, just get someone else to do that. What do you why are you doing it? Just do it.
So you have so many underlings, Virna one. Yeah. I don't really understand why that was a revelation that we have seen, and even when she uses reverse psychology to convince her, like subordinates to do the work, she's like all the other ladies, I don't know, kind of sound like they thought you were a bunch of dummies and couldn't even handle it. And then they just jumped to do the words like, why don't you just order them to do it?
Tell them just be like, do the fucking work because I'm your boss.
Yeah, I know. I don't I don't get it either. It's like, what the fuck? It's really weird, that's why we're back at school anyways, because Virna is in her new pretty late position, she's finding it very tough to handle.
And there's it's just a way to hold her in place at the Palace of the Prophets for a bit.
That's yeah. And Virna and Virna was oh, Inferno was important in the last book because she was the one who was sent from the palace to find Richard, to bring him to the fuck palace. And she and Richard actually have a good relationship, honestly. So, T.J., I said we were going to fight before we started recording because T.J. mentioned that the Virna chapters were all boring, whereas I was like, can we just get a book that was all the Varona chapters because I was way more invested in that.
I was way more invested in Virna becoming the prelaw and trying to figure out who the sources of the dark were. And like all the intrigue and trying to save Warren and figure out she promises she doesn't do any of that.
She does like if she did any of those things, then I could be invested, too. But like to me, just when I see verden in my mind, I just see the meanest teacher from my Christian high school and she's constantly talking about the creator. And it's like, I know your heart's in the right place, but I just don't care. I'm sorry. And then, like, other than her romance with Warren, that's kind.
Oh, but. Oh, but can we talk about how how VirnetX unwarned. Oh, they can't possibly be together because you see, Virna left the palace the profits for 20 years. So she aged 20 years and now she looks like she's 40. So she's an old worn out hag. She can't possibly date Warren, who looks like he's twenty.
And it's a B thinks that, to be fair, it's like mildly like nice because he's like, well, I think you're beautiful. It's like Terry being like this guy is fucking nuts to me, but I guess he likes this girl.
Well, no, but but it doesn't even happen until a very, very throughout the whole book, there's talk about, you know, Virna being like, well, I guess we can't date because I'm old and the age.
And then. Yeah, and then they mentioned that she's only forty and I'm like, what? Like that's all. We're both a hundred fifty.
Yeah. But really they're like both to over one hundred fifty, two hundred years old. We're like the, the time ratios are going to be a little more forgiving their guys despite how you physically age one hundred and thirty to two hundred years maybe.
You know, what do I know.
Maybe there is a vast difference between a two hundred year old and a hundred thirty year old. You haven't seen it of shit yet. You only live one and a half centuries. You draw a hole at forty five extra.
You get an extra brain in two hundred years old.
Yeah. I mean I just felt like, you know, if, if you're both in your hundreds like what does it really matter at that point that literally 150.
I think something old. No. Oh it's not right.
I thought they were all born slaves to Richard. When Richard realizes that there's a time spell that he somehow doesn't get for a whole book in book two, he's like, Oh, Richard, you called me a young man. I'm 150 years old. And we're just like, oh, fuck, I won't get to fuck Alan because I'll be so old. Well, old oh no. I have to destroy this whole even worse. She'll be old.
Gross. Oh God. Yeah. And so I, but I, but I liked the Verna's chapters more because there was just there was just so they were just so sexless and wonderful.
Can I there wasn't much rape like all through the like.
Oh there's no, there's no sexy stuff, there's no, there's none of that. It's just a it's just a solid mystery. I was into the mystery shitters. I wanted mystery solved mystery.
Well, she doesn't.
But there here's I think I know why Paris I know why you like these chapters more than the rest of the book.
And it's my central problem with the whole entire book, which is that in the VirnetX chapters is a consistent conflict and mystery that is a through line through all of them. Whereas in the Richard stuff or even the Kailin stuff, problems will pop up in a chapter and be solved at Tops a Chapter two later. So then the next chapter has to be a completely different problem that also gets solved by magical deus ex machina. Whereas with Virna, it's just a normal old.
Let's root out the Sisters of the Dark and try to figure out how to delegate tasks, which is it just keeps going that way. So there's no actual three. Well, I think I think you're right.
I think that's a good point. So so the points are it's a through line. It's a mystery. It's not sexy. And I think also I just like Virna more as a character than what she's a good person.
Nobody else in the book really is ever a good person. Like, yes, I thinks he's good, but he just has good intentions. He does not care about the consequences of his actions. I wanted to get back to IDN drill for if we're done with the palace. But like, if you want to go palace more.
Yeah. So if it basically Terry, if we could get I'm going to put my my. Put my order in for, like, I don't know, Nancy Drew, but it's virt like, can I just get some of that because he wrote a dicky spin off.
So, I mean, it's like he's still doing that, so.
Oh, my God, he's still doing this.
I think it's still not long ago. But once you finish the main, she's like, well, what's Nikki up to? You know, the sexy blonde witch and the earth kill some people. We issue blonde. But she had black hair anyway.
It doesn't matter. I couldn't tell them apart. I just they were all naming all six of the sisters.
And I want mambo number five to start playing like a little bit. And so I don't know. I don't see those names. I know.
Look, I know Nikki and Alisha and Marissa, little Demorris off my head, little girl this year. And now I'm dead.
I only know these names. I just read it today. Look at. OK, so, yeah, let's go back to Andrle Portages request here, where because, like I think of, like, different alternate titles for these books, like, you know, I sold you on book two. It's Harry Potter goes to Fuck School. I think the first book based on the plot could very easily be called The Man with the Magic Penis. And this book, I struggled to figure out a name for it until a few chapters in.
It's Mr. Richard goes to Washington.
He fucking does. It's just bullshit politics. Stuff like it was bad.
At the end of the last book, he shows up and finds that the Council of the Midlands and Aiden Drill had put sentence Kaitlynn, the mother confessor, to death. And he just Merks all at once with his wizard powers that only work when he's really pissed or really horny. And so this book just starts with him trying to find his man. You know all. He's the master of Tahara, but he doesn't want to embrace that role. But now he kind of has to.
It's complicated, but not really because nothing in these books is complicated. But basically what happens in Angel is he tells everyone in the city all these like dignitary's and like duchesses and all this shit that's like, hey, you have to surrender to me and dhara or we'll just fuck up your shit forever.
Yeah. He, he, he says kind of in the same breath he says, Hey everyone, we need to protect ourselves from having a tyrannical social rule under the imperial order and by and we're going to do that by all coming under my tyrannical rule as the as the Lord of Dhara. And it's just yeah. He says, hey, don't let that other guy rule you. Let me rule you, because it's definitely going to be better. So he tries to get all of the countries of the Midlands to join the hora.
And that's a pretty big ask considering considering no one knows who the fuck he is. I mean, some men don't know who he is.
Yeah. Just a bunch of magic tricks just to convince his own men to, like, join him, which like he uses them with Coke to like appear from invisibility.
And the general just laughs at him. Yeah. Like doesn't give a shit. That was like I thought it was great.
I was like, I'm glad you undermined that stupid idea. I guess I was hoping that it wouldn't work out.
Yeah, I agree. I was actually I was kind of glad, but yeah. So nobody knows who this dude is. And the horror has kind of always been pretty antagonistic. I feel like I mean I know that the Midlands and the horrors of war are separated. Right. But the horror until like six months ago. Right. But the horror and soldier soldiers have done some some damage and they've kind of always had like an evil, maybe not purely evil reputation, but not a positive one.
So marching in and saying, hey, you need to follow me instead of the imperial order, I mean, to anyone in the Midlands, the imperial order and de Hora look the same, right? Like, I don't really understand. Oh, yeah, it does. Does not make sense that all these countries would agree to this. Yeah.
The main like problem in the whole country, like up until, you know, Richard kills his dad. And like I said, that happened like three months ago.
So I know they're like, yeah. So your your your dad was an evil wizard and you're clearly a wizard. Why wouldn't we think you're also evil and why. Yeah. What to do. You're not even from here. And also it doesn't make sense on a richer level because Richard isn't even from the Midlands. He's right. He spent as much time in the old world, the arsenal.
He was talking about it like, you know, when I was born and my good old holer, you know, we taught the good old values.
It's like you're not from here, dude. Like your dad isn't from here. You're not from here. What are you talking about? Yeah, I know he's from Hartland. Right.
Which is why bang your queen. You know the main lady that you like. Yeah, this lady. That's all right. Stand on your own. Nobody has a stand on. Well yeah.
And the other. Well, I'm I'm confused about the timing as well, because, T.J., you were saying all of the events of the first, second and third book happened in the span of, what, under a year?
Yeah, it's definitely like a year at most.
And that blows my mind because I thought it was years, because I thought that Richard was at the palace. The profits for. A lot over a much longer, I guess, I mean, like a couple of months, yeah, he was instead in the space of like two months from what I remember when the old guy.
Yeah. Wait, but if he was there for a couple of months, wouldn't years have passed outside. No, it doesn't work like that.
They live for like time passes the same regardless. They just don't age. So like oh you're right.
In 25 and 150 because she doesn't age, she still would have gone through 365 times 150 days. It's right.
Yeah, right. I'm sorry. That was stupid. I don't know why I'm confused about that. I have I have not been harassed. How could you be confused about the very well thought out magic rules in this series?
Yeah, you probably have issues because you keep trying to like, describe more complicated things. You know, it's additive and subtractive magic that is complicated. Like you, the pluses are the mind set. There's only two kinds, usually simple.
So sorry. Anyway, I'm still blown away by the fact that all of this has happened in under the span of a year. And that that brings me to another point about this whole Richard trying to forcibly unite. I'm not going to say unite. I'm going to say invade and claim the Midlands for the NRA. I mean, he he I can tell that he thinks he's doing a good thing by uniting the Midlands, but. That's I can't imagine that's how any of these countries would actually feel.
And also, why does he think that it's a good idea to ask for this and then immediately tell them all about his tax scheme? Oh, yes. There we go.
Some more brilliant political maneuvering from Richard. So welcome to another edition of Paris.
Gets really hung up on a detail again today. We're talking about taxes. Yes, taxes over for this entire section.
So I won't have anything to contribute.
OK, it's OK. It's pretty it's pretty quick. So I just have a few bullet points. Richard says everyone that joins him in this United Midland's under the horror thing basically says they're kind of giving up the Midlands and becoming Tahari says, all right, everyone who joins the horror will pay the same tax. He doesn't define it further. So I just hope that he at least means the same percentage of their GDP and not literally the same amount. But no, no, he definitely means flat tax.
He means the same amount. Paris.
No, no, no. I mean I mean the percentage a flat tax, the percentage is generous. Yeah.
Yeah. You know, so like some countries argue for a flat tax due to its simplicity and its perceived overall fairness. However, a flat tax often can't raise as much in state revenue as a progressive tax system with brackets like the US has. Weirdly, flat taxes can also be considered unfair because even if you're taxing to people at the same rate, say, 10 percent, a higher earner will still have more buying power with their leftover funds.
So. Taxes are hard. I'm not an economist or a politician. This is just a very quick rundown kind of hard to wrap your head around. Anyway, I don't know where Richard got this idea from as he's been running around fighting and murdering for months, he hasn't been studying economics or politics. Where did this whole tax thing come from? Why are they talking about it? And wouldn't it be better for him to have simply asked them to join the NRA instead of like also bringing up taxes, sort out the tax shift later?
Yeah, first that first ask of taking over their whole fucking country is kind of big, right?
Like maybe maybe wait till later, maybe sort out the taxes of another time.
Like, was he even bringing this up like your next sentence is. And if you don't will come fuck your shit up. That's the part people are going to focus on. So why not just stick with that one like tax could come later?
Yeah, it just seems like such a strange thing. And again, it's unrealistic.
It's just don't get it because Richard is correct. So therefore this is the most correct way to govern. Did you mention the detail where the flat tax is only for military spending?
I didn't see that. Oh shit. I'm sorry.
I thought that is the central point is that Richard sits up on that, like in the council room where he's saying this to all the other countries and he says, I have the most fair system possible. And that fair system is a flat tax rate where the taxes only go towards the military for defense of the whole entire empire.
We can say here, I don't remember that shit. OK, I guess I must have fuck this up. Sorry, everyone. That's actually worse. It is, because then you're thinking like, what if there's a famine, Richard? What it's like there's so many other things we could use a centralized resource pool for, but I just thought it would be nice to have some roads, right?
Well, no. What is the solution to everything? How about you have your grandpa make coins out of wooden coins like he can do that he can make we're going into gold. So we just had him do that, right?
Well, so T.J. Zed's the Fed is what you're saying. Yeah, fuck it. Who cares? This is stupid shit.
Anyway, like I said to the Fed, baby, when you're just your magic works for you automatically like Richards does, like I can see why you would jump to this and think it would work, but.
Because yeah, because Richard just he always instantly has the problem solved, so therefore he must have the most just tax scheme. And this is probably honestly what Terry Goodkind thinks is the way that he is the most, just for sure.
Terry Goodkind, there's no way Terry Goodkind hasn't ever said the phrase, I'm socially liberal, but fiscally conservative. That has definitely come out of his mouth plenty of times.
Well, yeah. So luckily, that's kind of that's kind of where the S.S. about the quick section about taxes ends anyway.
Obviously, it's actually buried. I'm sorry. I was realizing with, you know, Richard basically taking over the world or trying to remind me of the fact that all the high Darren and Darren words are very clearly like German seeming.
Yeah, like shitty German. So it's like Richard's basically like, hey, guys, I'm the good Hitler.
Well, it really comes off like that, though, because he's like, I have the solution for everything. I am the right way and the truth. And you all need to follow me under threat of being crushed by my army, which this whole country has blond hair and blue eyed.
But he doesn't I mean. Oh, God, I didn't even think about that. Fuck.
It's pretty clear when the audio books, they speak in Russian accents and like, what are you trying to hide?
Yeah. So that's so weird. That's that's most of Richard's like political maneuvering in this book is just trying to get everyone to submit to him entirely. There's some magic trickery that he does here and there. But the rest of Richard's story is basically fucking around in the Wizards keep.
Yeah. And then there is trying to think of other things. So there's there's still he still has a contingent of three more guards, Kara Burdine and Raina.
And they're kind of just I mean, probably, again, Paris.
Yeah, she dies pretty early. She doesn't get it. It's only the three. That's how he gets his army on his side. He goes in and does his magic trick. That doesn't work. And then he kills a bunch of MRIs with in a battle and they're like, Dubuisson, that was cool, will follow you. But like Holly, it was the red shirt who dies. And yeah, he holds a big funeral for her. And all the dance have to do with devotion to Richard, which is very important for later.
Yeah. We'll get to that whole discussion. That's a whole twenty minutes right there. Yeah. Well guys come on. Oh God. But so the more there is a book on that, so the more Sith are the, the red leather clad torture warrior babes basically who were the personal Royal Guard of the previous Lord Raul Richards Evil Dead. But the new Raul always inherits them.
So Richard has this, you know, sexy army at his disposal.
And he has these three main ones, Kara Arena and Burdine, who are his personal protectors. And Chris, you have a note about this, so I'm going to let you two do that.
Well, you know, it's just the obvious thing when you have a bunch of women in red leather who are BDM practitioners, of course, everything about them has to be constantly horny and flirty.
The more synth trio here are never not winking and smiling at Richard and trying to act like they want to be with him intimately, despite the fact that two of them are lesbians together. And there's this whole scene where Richard has to sit down with Burdine because she's like, I'm afraid to tell you something. This is after he saves her from nipple based mind control, which will also get to later.
So that that was a wholesale no. Actually, let's get to it now. Burdine is under Nippo mind control, which Tobias had to go the previous woman's nipple.
My can I can I go back to like can we where we can we just talk about all the horny right now? Actually, here's the horny part of the podcast.
Everyone know. Well, let's. All right. Let's focus on the more set and then we can explain the nipple mind control. How about that? Let's just keep some structure here, OK? I'll try my best here.
Yeah, you explained them pretty well. They're horny leather babes. You talk to people. Oh, no, I meant I meant Chris letting Chris talk about his point about them. That happened so much further. Sorry, I'm a minor chronological.
So my only point here is that they they're literally there to titillate for no reason, even when it makes no sense for their characters to have to do that. I guess Burdine brings up well under Daquan role. He took me to his bed whenever he pleased anyway. So I had I had to be flirty all the time, kind of. So I can't turn it off. And then when she reveals to Richard that she is in love with Raina, he has to sit her down and have this, like, gross fucking chat with her through the key.
They're not sitting down. This is where they're running through like incredibly dangerous traps that.
Oh, yeah, the time what a time to have that conversation. He has to be like, you know, Burdine. I think it's gross, but it doesn't matter as long as because I still love you. It's this whole, like love.
This 1986 is hell. It's like, yeah. See how nice he is. He's he's not spitting on the lesbian.
Look at him. Yeah. Right. He just tells her she's evil and bad. He just she just says like I don't he said it's the worst phrasing even to me is saying it's just not right. He repeatedly said that phrase. It's like, yeah, it's worse than saying like you're against God to me. It's just like at least you're using some dumb Bible stuff. If you say that it's just not right. It's like. Well, fuck you, too.
She continues to flirt with him even after Richard is like, nah, it's fine, don't worry about that thing.
So, I mean, there's you know, when Holly is delivering him the the declaration that he is Lord Rawle, now, she pulls it out of her boobs just because they all get changed in front of him all the time.
Yeah. And so I guess now let's segway into the nipple mind control thing. Oh, they probably the most heinous example of this.
One last thing, they sit on his lap and put their arms around him and giggle. And then at the very end, they even Terrie even throws in a scene where Colin Calan, sorry, like flirts with them, too, and is like, I think her boobs look good.
And my hands are like something because fucking Terry Goodkind, like I said, always had his pants half off during the entirety.
Anyway, anyway, I want to get to the central horny moments in this book so Tobias Brogan can mind control people by cutting off their nipples. And Lunana, his sister, who's a magician or wiz or you know, Sorcerous does something with the nipple to have mind control over. Does it have to be a woman? He never clarified this, I think.
Yeah, I wonder the same thing. Like, are there any boy nipples in that thing?
He has a collection of lips. Yes. Obviously he has a whole nip collection, which I'm assuming is people that he has control over. He gets this wife of some government official. He kills the government official, and that wife shows up and basically has these intense, horny scenes with Richard.
I sent Paris a snippet of the dinner scene here, which can we I'm going to read this.
I'm going to see if I can try to find it. But while I'm trying to find that quotes sexually, Pegeen Burdine is under similar nipple mind control.
But Richard finds that out by having everyone show him their boobs and then he heals.
Burdine cut off nipple.
Yeah, that's right. It's like grabbing it and thinking real hard. Yeah, yeah.
His magic always works when he just needs it. So like after, like, multiple chapters of the Duchess of Kelton, I believe it's not just love Carlton.
She's actually the royal one. So killing her dumb husband doesn't matter. So like she gets the spell put on her, like by not broken spoiler by Luneta and like so she just goes to Richard because, like, I'll totally surrender.
But can I just stand around your palace and stay here and be really horny for you? And Richard is under a spell but doesn't realize it after like days and days. Like he knows what magic feels like, right. Shouldn't he know it a glamour feels like. But yeah.
No, he just sucks soup off her finger and fuck me, I want to hear it on my partner here. Yeah. Yeah. What page. What page is that. Start on. Because it's like guys. All right. All right folks listening. We're talking like a fifteen page horny dinner scene. It's absurdly long.
I have a picture of page 230 Paris, which I'm just going to read a couple paragraphs. OK?
All right. I have. Yeah. All right.
All right. So which half comes from eating lamb? Yeah. Oh, it's another part actually. OK, I'm going to read that part, I guess then.
OK, so this is a dinner scene with this wife of, you know, the government person, I guess. Well, she's she's the duchess.
Yeah. Yeah, OK. She's the ruler of Kelton at that point.
Sorry, it's a ten page horny dinner. The fifteen and my twelve page twelve finish.
Well it's a twelve page horny dinner scene that's pretty close anyway.
OK, Chris, here is just one segment of it. Her tongue stroked across her lips. Best I've ever had. Richard realized that his fingers were empty. He thought that he must have eaten the scoop of rice until he saw the white spot. I'm sorry. I'm already laughing at what I'm seeing later.
This is the second time Richard forgets that if he ate something, by the way. Yeah, he's like, you forgot if he swallowed in an earlier chapter. It's like you're bad at food. Bad.
He thought he must have eaten the scoop of rice until he saw the white splat on the tray under him. She plucked an egg from the bowl, pressed her red lips around it and bit it in half. Luscious. She placed the round end of the other half to his lips. Here, try it. It's silken surface had a mildly spicy tang against his tongue and a flexible, resilient feel. She pushed it all the way in with one finger.
It was Chuir choke. He chewed her keys, left his to roam the tray. What have we here?
Oh, Richard, don't tell me it's. She swirled her first and second fingers around the bowl with the. Pairs, she sucked the thick white socks off her first finger, some of the some of the coating of the other dribbled down her hands, her wrist.
Oh, yes. Oh, Richard, this is fabulous. Here she put her second finger up to his lips before he realized it. She had the whole length in his mouth. Suck it clean. She insisted in.
Isn't that the best you've ever had? Richard nodded, trying to catch his breath. After she drew her finger out, she tilted her wrist.
Oh, please lick it off before it gets on my dress. He took her hand up in his and put it to his mouth. The taste of her galvanized him. His lips on her flesh made his heart pound painfully. She let out of throaty laugh. That tickles. Your tongue is rough. He let her hand go. Rousing from the intimate connection to room, he whispered.
I'll just stop there, honestly, because I thought, Oh, man, yeah, this whole scene is just unforgivable.
I mean, has the world galvanizing ever been used in the sex scene before me? Some very specific metal working pornos.
It's like, OK, you ran out of words there, Terry.
Yeah, maybe it's a maybe in like some machine shop settings. I don't know, straight up pornography. Right.
That's just straight up a porn segment there where we're having like a fourteen year old would.
Right. I kept coming across that in this book. I was like, this is like I would write this when I was first reading these books.
Well, my my know on that was well, I think I think we can solidly say that Terry has rested the gross fantasy feast description's trophy from George R.R. Martin with this one. Like he just he took ripped it right out of George's greasy dripping hands. I mean, yeah, George was all about the food itself being he's horny for the food. Yeah.
Would you, I would argue, is better than this? Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
I like Terry stuff where he's horny for violence. That's my this is not my speed either.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean and so during this whole thing with. Catherine, Katherine, what a normal name for the girls. Yeah, during during the whole Katherine thing. Yeah, during the whole Katherine thing, I was, you know, Chris and I had an argument about whether or not she was glamorous. And I was like, well, she I hope so because Richard's acting awfully single for a man betrothed. Yeah.
I just they make it obvious what they do. The casting a spell, they don't say glamour.
Yeah. My issue here is the definition of what a glamour is to me. I understood the glamour to be a physical appearance change, not like a magical pull of horniness.
I think it can be both as the text kind of alluded to. I've seen both in other fantasy, too.
So I have always taken a glamour to be like what? Its magical makeup and good lighting. So well, that happens.
That is what Luneta is doing. Yeah. Like we find out later that she casts a glamour on herself at all times to make her not fuck.
Yeah, she's reverse glamour and anti glamour. And that was, that was my quibble with glamour. But it's definitely happening here. I would say I was just I didn't know if when you said glamour, you were talking about a physical appearance change, but you're talking about the horny pole that Richard feels at all times around Catherine.
Yeah. I mean, and he just can't stop describing her lips and breasts and hair and everything all the time. It's it's very frustrating. And I was just saying, yeah, I hope he's glamour and because otherwise, what the fuck? Because he's always been about Caitlyn when he gets a pass later.
Yeah, yeah I know. I don't know. So I was like, I really hope this is a glamour and it's not yet anyway.
So after a while and on this album. Yeah. It's like this isn't working or plan.
I always thought I couldn't remember because I'd read it before. Like I couldn't remember exactly what Grogan's plan was. Every time I read, I forget that it's stupid, as simple as getting real horny. And then you stab him like it's like Brogan coming in the room or some stronger who's not going to immediately be murdered by Richard. It's like, yeah, it's get I'm horny and then, you know, Nithin.
Oh, but then can Chris, do you want to talk about how Richard breaks this horny spell because he's more horny for Kaylin.
That's you see that's what it is that yeah.
That's really all it comes down to is he's like, oh, this girl makes me so horny. But there's this other woman that I was into. Oh yeah. But she's makes me hornier, so I'm going to kill this one. That's that's the only way he breaks the spell is by out haunting the horny spell essentially. Yeah.
And that to me is just really stupid.
I reused again later in the in the book when one of the Sisters of the Dark tries to mind control him later. His horniness for Kaitlynn over, you know, destroys that also type of mind control.
I think it's supposed to be like true love conquers all, but that's also cool. Yeah, I'm not I'm not into it.
Spoiler alert. There's a later like books and books into the future. Calan has amnesia for like multiple books. And like he cursed by fucking her. Like her.
Like that's the best way is a sort of truth really. Just read your dick. Like as I just know of the man with the magic penis. Yeah.
The book, he defeats both, then he beats Denna with his magic dick. And then it's true. It's the Confessor's power with too. It's like, that's true. I mean he becomes God at the end of the series as well.
That's like oh my God. Yeah that's serious.
I tapout like seven. I can't go. And he defeats communism by carving a statue in book six oh six.
OK, we'll get there eventually. Everyone the God shop knew. Yeah. All right.
Yeah. So this was all birthed from the the Maude's this discussion here. Was there any other horny moments here that we should talk about. So many I guess to ABIM.
So can we talk about how sorry T.J. you are.
So it's just like after she tries to stab him then he like for some reason he like gropes her while she's a dead body and then notice his lack of nipple.
And that's how he is.
If that wasn't like it's the it's bad when he has the more to come in and take their tops down. But it's worse to me. The reason he found out is just like groping a dead body.
Like, yeah, I was like I couldn't understand what it was like or was, oh, no, no, no. I think it's because her top was ripped in the nightstand and he noticed it, but it did seem odd.
Dropped a dead body to me. He did touch it. He did. He did.
He touched well. Oh, no, wait, wait. I remember why it was weird. So so it's nighttime. There are no lights on in the room. Just the light from the moon outside. And after in the struggle with Katherine as she's trying to stab him, her dress gets ripped open. And so one of her breasts. Exposed and she has a makeup nipple like a fake one on there, and somehow he notices that it's not casting a shadow in the door after a woman just tried to murder him and his and his focus is, yo, that nips not casting a shadow.
That's the gate.
And this man has had sex with two women. Yeah. He is not well versed on like nipples and shadows.
I don't know. Yeah. Like, yeah. Mine. He went to Fox school. Sure.
He saw on nipples there but I don't know, he didn't look like a good man. Yeah but he saw them before he turned them down. Right.
I think one that person. Yeah.
That's how you proposition him like are you sure check out these titties.
Yeah. I don't know. It just did seem to be very motivating to some people. I don't know. But anyway, I found it really odd that whole sequence of him being like, huh, that nipple is not casting a shadow in the dark after someone just tried to murder me. Better check that other nipple and then he somehow then he wipes it away, realizes it's not there, and then just automatically knows, oh, this is evil magic.
How would you make that connection? Maybe she had cancer. Fuck, I don't know.
He didn't know the evil magic the whole time she was making she was using it to make him horny. But now you can figure it out. I it works.
It just makes no sense that he would be like a missing nipple def. This is definitely how she's being mind controlled. That is never, not once been established as a method of mind control in this series. Not even anything like it as far as I remember when.
So it just doesn't weight. This woman has no pussy hair. Something evil is afoot.
Exactly. Yeah. Like I mean, it could there could be any number of reasons why a woman is missing a nipple. I just I mean, sure, it's odd and they might thing. Yeah. It's like sure it's odd and I might investigate it but I wouldn't immediately know exactly what it is like. Okay. Here's the perfect chance to go off into the big issue here, which is Richards magic ability to know everything perfectly.
So remember when we talked about him going through the Wizards keep and having that it's OK if you're gay, but not really discussion with Burdine, which happens in like forty chapters.
But yeah, he, they, he Richard decides to go into the Wizards because it's there and he might as well go in there even though everyone's like no it's super trapped guy, there's stuff in there that'll kill you instantly. Richard is just he's pretty confident that he can get through it. And I mean spoilers, he's right, he does just get through it. But that's the whole point.
He goes into the Wizards keep and at one point they're down in a library where there's different colored tiles on the floor.
And Richard goes, oh, you need to step on these exact tiles. And they're the exact right tiles to avoid some kind of death magic that was there in the first place. It's like Richard is getting passed notes from the D.M. in this fucked up campaign because he's the favorite player. Why does he know the wizard keep tyo puzzle instantly? He doesn't earn anything like that in the book at all. He just automatically knows this shit. And it's so frustrating.
And what is it kind of extra frustrating? I mean, I don't care because this is only the first book in the series is even kind of good. But yeah, like I think they do that with the Sword of Truth itself, where it's he's like getting messages from the other people who have had the sword. So when he's like a super extra good fighter, even though he was just a good guide, that part is explained. It's like he's getting messages literally, like you said, from the sword.
And he could have just written something similar in about his gift. Like, it helps you communicate with wizards of old. But no, they never do it, just like now he's a war wizard. And that means you just automatically know all the stuff. It's just I mean, kind of justified it in a bad way.
At least I kind of think it's all lazy. Even if I'm sorry not to belittle your point, I think no, I would have been better. All lazy.
Yeah, I think I just think that it would have it's it's like do something. Yeah. So I'm agreeing with Chris. I'm like, do something, man.
It's not similarly to how we were talking about how the villains are not compelling. Our protagonists are also not very compelling or at least our main one, because, you know, yeah, everything is solved for him all the time. He doesn't have to work for anything really. He just senses the right thing all the time. There's never. Really, any problem ever? And I just don't see how that makes a character likable and interesting.
Well, that's kind of why the the book where he defeats communism with a statue is actually kind of the best one before it becomes unreadable, because in that one he's taken away from Kaylin is like afflicted with a curse where if he does anything, like, bad shit will happen to her. So we agree. So basically, he's powerless for an entire book and actually has to work for things and like figure shit out. And that's the last decent book in the series, is the one time they make him do that.
And then it just becomes he's like spouting Ayn Rand and shit for another 10 books and then ends with him being God. Yeah, yeah.
I just don't find characters like that super interesting. I mean, I guess. I don't know, I'm sure for some people having a perfect this perfect ideal that they think they'd want to be is cool, but I hope people are.
I don't know, penis smarter than that to just want things to be super easy for them all the time.
It cuts it undercuts all the conflicts in the book. Even the Catherine thing that we were mentioning. I thought this was going to be a long, drawn out thing where he's, you know, consistently going back and forth with Catherine, trying to figure out who's the I think he does know there's a spy somewhere amongst his, you know, castle or something because he's setting up the award system, watch out for certain things. And he's cognizant of the fact that there might be some people working for the imperial order or above the fold or something amongst him.
But no, she does the horny dinner and tries to stab him a couple of chapters later. And that's the end of that conflict.
And this happens so many times throughout the book with so many different things that you just know that something even the Wizards keep, they go in there and you think, oh, maybe he trips up and almost dies his first time and he has to figure out how to get past this one better. But he just consistently crosses all the barriers possible with blind luck. Just blundering through it.
Yes. So there's no there's no real danger for any main character. Nothing is earned ever. No even stuff that's set up because later. So he dispatches Gratz to go find Kailin original. He was supposed to meet up with Kaitlyn later. They got separated. Here's another bullshit magic thing. The fucking death spell. Right. OK, so here's decibel.
Makes perfect sense. And I don't know how you could be confused by it.
OK, so there's a Z cast it all cast. Really. Z cast a death spell to fake Kaitlyn's death so that everyone believes Kaitlyn is dead. Caitlyn AMNo does that.
That extends not to the mother confessor. People still think there is a mother confessor out there somewhere, even if they can't remember her name because of the death spell. Well, they know she's dead.
Actually, they they know the mother confessor is dead because they saw her executed. They just don't remember that the name was specifically her. Right.
OK, so no one remembers Caitlyn. And that way the death spell works is she's a racist for like sort of it's a blind spot in people's memory that they can't seem to pierce except for Tobias Brogan, who can figure it out.
Why does Tobias know that Colin is the mother confessor?
He interrogated all those people, the one Mr. Sander Holt. She was truthful to a point, and Luneta was doing her magic to find out.
She told the truth. Luneta was like she was telling the truth. Except for this, the mother confessor being shot dead with their weird accent. And then, per what Zed says when Kaitlyn's talking about is to Z saying take off the curse. It feels like icy fingers of death all the time, said like, no, we can't do it right now and I'm not going to do it. And the only other ways, if someone with the gift figures it out and names like your proper name, which Brogan does because Luneta helped him find out the truth and because we don't know it until way later after games her.
But Brogan does have the gift. That confused me at first, too. I thought that was your point of confusion. But then we learned later that he's a wizard. So he named her like Z Z, and then the spell was broken. Is the is the point there is Tobias can even remember her name because he is a wizard.
No, he get he figures out that that Mr. Sandercoe was lying even though she doesn't actually use the person's name. And then he just kind of puts two and two together because Ritchie asked Richards, what's your wife's name going to be? And that's he just puts that together pretty much.
Yeah, because I didn't think anyone actually confessed or that Luneta figured out that it was Kahlan.
Now she just like she was like, hey, this this bitch right here is lying about like mother confessor still alive, pretty much just like what Luneta told him. I mean, like, I guess I don't know how Mr. Sanders knows that. Oh, it's because Richard told her fucking idiot.
That would have none of that would have happened if Richard wasn't like Mr. Sanders told our fuck.
Kaitlynn in a place between worlds, isn't that great. Just keep your mouth shut.
None of that would have happened. The smell would have been impossible to break.
So, OK, it's your fault. OK, thank you for clearing that up. But can I can I make another point about how no fucking dumb that spell is? Oh yeah.
It's dumb but it makes sense. Why would why would the spell break if someone else with the gift found out, why would that destroy the spell? I don't get it.
I mean, that's I think because a lot of these spells seem to have like a particular, like wiggly thing that if you poke it, it sets it off. And I think that was the wiggly pokey thing and this particular spell.
Yeah, but why? Because you need to wait, ative. Yes, that's why that's why he's a bad writer. His wife explained. And I know it's bad.
OK, well well riddle me this. A kiss. How how does Brogan how is he able to see the murse with. They reveal themselves to him because basically for the whole book, he's talking about how he's getting visions from the creator and because the audience reading isn't fucking stupid, they know that that's actually Zhigang is the dream walker, because obviously the creator isn't like going to do that. Like, we never even see the keeper in these books. So I'm kind of convinced that neither of those things actually exist.
But that's a theological argument for day.
Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, he just like.
Yeah, that's a. OK, OK, OK, that's one that's the one does not there's a secondary stupid magic thing in here. There's so many. Right. But once again, just a conflict that is solved by just because there's one rule that Terry had to make up to make the spell be broken and.
Similarly, do you remember us earlier in this episode speaking about the oath that people have to make to Richard?
Hmm, as master of horror, this is apparently a magical spell that binds people to him in protection. You see, we talked about Zhigang as well. Zhigang can go into people's dreams. I don't know if that's just everyone around the world or if there's a radius that he can affect.
But the only people he definitely can't affects are people that have sworn loyalty to Orale or the master of the horror.
I, I wasn't quite sure which one was the exact thing that had to be declared, because there's a genetic protection spell that gets passed from one master of Tahara or one Rawle down to the next.
And if you swear loyalty to Orale, you're not affected by dream walkers.
OK, I don't know if it has to be the master of Tahara for one. That's one thing I don't know how to like because Darkon role has bastards like yours, like multiple Bastad characters that show up later in the series. They're all tedious and awful like most of these characters.
But it's all right. Yeah. So that's the the mechanics of the protection spell that again. I'm not sure if Zhigang can control literally anyone else in the world.
Is there any left yet?
OK, it's like he can fuck with people who don't have the gift, like a general. Rubbish tells Richard. After that he does the devotion.
He's like, hey, I was having bad dreams and now I'm not anymore. He says it is like you're just so swell, Rick. But it's like we kind of it's also indicating that. But it's mostly people with the gift, the gift, people he can fuck with all over the world.
And. Yes, yeah.
So unless unless they've sworn loyalty to Richard. Now, you remember the Six Sisters of the Dark that we're doing their naked ship cruise thing. They were visited by joking in. They're terrified because they're under his control. And so they go to Richard pretty much.
They just want to there's the one chapter. I don't want it to go unmentioned where they go to the gangs first because they think that they're so powerful that they're just going to kill them.
Like, I think it's all of our girls are nude or in sheer cliff. Yeah.
And it's like and I, I like I love this introduction of giganto because, like, the way he describes them, he's like shaved head and like like fur vest covered in jewelry.
It's like it's like an Armenian Steven Seagal movie villain or something from Konan the villain for like the rest of the series.
And he's just like not just described was like like a guy who would be a bouncer at a club. Yeah.
Oh. And he is also comically and stupidly rapey and evil.
And I heard Mark Hamill's joker voice when he spoke. I don't know what that was, just what I thought. It's like that low, gravelly, just like very creepy, like when he's, like, getting real low with it. That's what I heard when joking.
Oh, I imagined him as that's the guy from St. Peter. Mortal Kombat. Who's the who's the guy.
Goro, are you talk about the forum guy guro with forearms and then. Yeah, yeah.
That's what I imagined him as, what he was like speaking full sentences. Yeah. But just the I don't know, that's just what worked in my mind. But anyway. Sure. So it's going all right. So let's. All right. Fuck, we have to pick a topic here.
It's the loyalty magic. It's OK to have the loyalty magic.
OK, so the loyalty magic. Yeah. I think that like this whole genetic so so it's like decide Terry, is it genetic or is it. You just say the oath because apparently it's you just say this, these four sentences and you're good like yeah it's what, it's genetic based on who you can be bonded to.
Has to be a real dance, feel the bond more strongly. But basically anyone can, you know, they can like put their pledge into him without actually using the words.
I think the words are creepy as fuck and it vaguely tries to make sound like Richard thinks they're creepy. But that happens like once. But we learn with, like, Sister Samona when she gets cured of her madness by just pledging to Richard, she's just like I pledge my life to him and all that jazz. So to me, it felt like when this is very Bible Belt specific, but like accepting Jesus into your heart. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. So that's how you're saved. Yeah, yeah. If you do that, you can either, like, repeat what the pastor is saying. Exactly. Or if you have the wherewithal you can make up your own thing and nobody's going to falter either way. And you know, it's dumb and. Simplistic like most of the mechanics here, but I just kept thinking about the fact that, like, unlike accepting Jesus into your heart in this world, ours, accepting Richard into your heart in that world, has actual practical benefit and use like you get a real thing out of it.
The dream walker won't enter your dreams anymore. So I'm like, that's better. I wish I went to that church.
Yeah, the church overall has some. Yeah. Some rainfall. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, you know, pretty good, but I mean. Yeah.
So I have a point here. Paris, T.J., trying to say I don't have a point. No, I'm getting away from me and I want to get to the thing that. OK, good. Because T.J. brought up that Sister Samona was cured of her madness and freed from the dream walkers, influenced by just saying some words without Richard even present. Yeah. Yeah. Why do the Sisters of the Dark have to go to a meeting with Richard and tell them their play, tell him their plan to be freed from Zhigang in order for the pledge to work for them?
Why can't they just stay on their boat and go? I pledge loyalty to Richard. Oh, shit, it works.
We're free to be specific to the dude. I know. It's it's it's convoluted as shit. It's actually one of the most complicated things Terry has done as far as like any mechanics or any like they're basically telling him, like, yeah. He keeps saying, well, you're against me, so you can't actually be devoted to me. And I think a really great quote from Aleesha that I actually put in here, it maybe doesn't like justify this entire situation.
But the main reason they have to be in person is because they're being sneaky. They're like, we won't necessarily fuck with you directly, but you have to make sure it's a promise not to fuck with us. So and but when Richard argues back, I think it's a really great quote about Richard's whole arc in this book, specifically that she says to him, It's a matter of perception, Richard.
We want the same as you, no matter the morals in which you wish to couch your ambitions.
So she's just like we see it the right way, the same way you see yourself taking over the goddamn world, like we see it differently than you.
So that's how it works. I think it's because they're being sneaky. They can't do it on the boat because they would break as soon as they did something naughty. But Richard is basically like, fine, you can be devoted to me and go be naughty, but I'm not happy about it.
So. Yeah, but that's just makes it stupider. Yeah, it's stupid. It's because he wants to get his lady to. That's the only reason he does is like. All right, but you know.
You know what, I want it but it doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Like Chris said, it doesn't make any sense. So clearly you don't actually have to be in front of Richard to swear the oath. And it just seems.
Again, super lazy, and I don't I don't buy it, I don't buy the impression to me that he was so lazy and so convoluted at the same time.
Impressive piece of fiction. That's how I feel about all the magic of these fucking books. Bad is it's just somehow so lazy, but so convoluted at the same time. Yeah.
I just want this to be a Cinemax show where Richard just murders lots of people and there's no talking.
Oh, if only but this is it's just such a simple solution.
Why wouldn't just everyone do this and then the dream Walker would have no power.
Well that's what he tries to make happen like the rest of the book series, because, yeah, he's trying to conquer the world for the rest of the series. So what you just said. Yeah. Yeah. Why doesn't everyone. Good question. Richard goes out in the world and asks it repeatedly.
The fifth book he runs for mayor of a small town. Wait, but what what? He's the master of a tire, can't you?
Yeah, if he's done, he's just like the mayor of that town is basically running against him.
So he, in effect, has to run for mayor of the town, is voting on whether they want to join Tahara. And so that's the actual thing. But it's funnier because I have to say he's running for mayor because he's running against the mayor.
So, OK, he is doing he campaigns. He gives speeches.
OK, that's incredibly dumb. Moving on or sorry about what we got going. But going back to this point of of this this loyalty oath, I don't understand how it works, even if it's not sincere. Like we were just talking about this. This was the dark. It doesn't that to me is the biggest sin of this, you know, fine, if you want to say, hey, I do what I want in my book, and they say these words and it works, but like, even if you say them insincerely are like not knowing because I feel like with the whole Jesus thing, like letting Jesus in your heart and saving you, you have to actually believe that, right?
Yeah, there is.
I know there is at some point someone who thought that they were bonded and then it doesn't like Gigapixel gets them because they weren't actually serious or something. But the way they explain it, like, again, it's convoluted, but they're just basically like you're against a gang war, against a gang that should be good enough for the bond.
We think so.
Anything against your gang is for rich. That's once again the binary fuck that binary binary for the win.
I mean, I honestly would have been so much happier if you had just stuck with the genetic thing, because at least that is sort of believable in a way.
I mean, not like only to Horan's could swear loyalty. Yeah.
Like people born from of certain lineages into Hawera would be more inclined to follow him because there's some level like the kind of sorta I could sort of by that he didn't invent it for that.
Like Alaric, Raul didn't invent the bond in order to do that.
That's the thing. So I think we haven't touched on yet is a Burdine and Richard, after they go into the Wizards, keep to fuck around. I don't know. And Richard is just homophobic to her. They find a book and they start translating it. And like the big buildup in the last bit of the book is just not doing a fuckin book report.
And it's like, oh, they're translating. It's it's just harder than it's just like I just saw there's 100 pages left. And that was the main driving thing that was happening was them choosing that book.
But one of the thing that books it's it's a journal from a guy like 3000 years ago. And basically it's like Alrick role in our war against the dream walkers. He told us he has this bond and he thought up. But we don't believe him because Rawls only want to rule the world. But the truth is he like made it purely only because of the dream walker. The fact that it's like Darwin specifically is just happenstance of him being the guy who invented that thing.
But no one believes that. That's why it's only demands that do it, because, like all these roles are just pieces of shit for centuries or millennia. Oh, yeah.
I just again, and there's so many this is like another problem in the series in that there's so many different forms of magic that don't all seem to kind of complement each other like they don't all work off the same principles.
Yeah, it's either completely binary or like why, like GA's MRIs with is just a complete binary and additive versus attractive, but it's just sometimes it's like or it works this way.
It's like, OK, yeah. Apparently people died to forge a sword. All right.
Yeah. And then, like, there's also this point of talking about the magic and the dream walker and stuff with it. Verna and Warren are talking about why the dream walker is dangerous. And they basically are like, well, he can make dreams real. And then they kind of say it's like the same as Hohn because Warren and Virna can technically make things real with their magic. Right. Like Vernick, for example, and the text, she thinks about creating a fire and creates a light in her hand, a flame that she can then apply to a real candle.
And it's like, wait, so how is why is his stuff different?
Jocking also can't make dreams real, like he can torture people with bad dreams while they're sleeping, but like he can't manifest it into reality absolute.
Well, no. Well, no, they can't. Well, no, no. He can make he can do things to you in your dreams that manifest in reality, like he can twist their nipples or whatever, like, oh, I think that's talked about where that where he, you know, can torture them physically and it'll actually hurt them in real life. That's true.
I mean, like he can think of cake. Oh, I guess I guess it's slightly different, you know, exclusively uses it for nipple torture, which is a big theme in this book, right, about that.
It just all blended into one sadomasochistic scene.
I guess the other thing I didn't love is that he's supposed to be this big, bad character. But we only have one scene with him and we don't learn anything. And it's not it's not like, oh, it's a tease. It's just like it just feels lacking. Yeah.
He serves as a faceless villain for a lot of it, where it's just like the imperial order itself is supposed to be more of the bad guy, which is even more dull. But like they even do say, like even if we killed a gang, someone else will take up the mantle of the order. That's like Richards excuse for, like, you know, again, trying to take over the world. Oh, yeah, that's right.
And jargons powers were also a result of wizards making magical weapon people because wizards the reason everything sucks in this world.
Can we brief aside while we're talking about Zhigang being sort of generic villain in the background, he's basically approaching the Palace of the Prophets, the whole book to take over it so that he can live for a very long time and rule from that time bubble so that he rules for, you know, forever, as long as he's alive.
I just want to bring up the small detail that I almost forgot about, which is that to announce the approach of the emperor months in advance, he sends drummers that are drumming constantly for months for.
Kind of saps away some of the well, yeah, eventually you're probably just going to get used to it, right? Yeah, and then they stop when he's real close. Yeah. So just to really cut off your belt, no need to him.
It would be funnier to me if the whole time they were started very slow, like you only had like one drum hit a day. And then as he got closer it turned faster and faster until there was a little drum roll happening as he approached the city for the final.
Like, but you want to turn this into like a prog rock thing. Yeah, that would be cool. Or I don't know. It's like I think it's a better idea than just that that instruments.
It's like it's one giant polyrhythm across the whole continent first.
Yes, I see. No, that would drive you nuts. Yeah. Across the.
Why would they just do for. I get what it's taught to be crazy. One, two, one, two, three.
John, would you please. I'll do anything. I'll do anything now. Just seven or nine please.
How about five nine oh oh oh.
Thanks for thanks for the music nerd joke in there. I was good. All right.
What else happens in this book, though, guys? Does anything else really. Oh. Oh, there's plenty.
Yeah. I got to start. I got stuff, I got stuff like fifty two more chapters.
I was going to say I'm whittling it down guys because we got to we got to start going. You know what Chris, let's not impose any restrictions on this journey. So back to the comical evilness of Brogan. We find out of course there's incest with the evil people because of course there is. You find out the broken fucks, Lynetta and. Forces her to unglamorous herself when they have sex, right? No, that's opposite what?
This is why Chris is understandably confused about the use of the word glamour, because he doesn't actually fuck it's implied heavily, obviously, but she's like he's like tired and need to go to bed and what or whatever.
And then I was like, do you want me to cast a glamour for you? And I don't see any other way to interpret that other than do you want me to put a spell on myself so you don't think about how you're fucking your sister?
Yeah. Like they do regularly. Yeah, it does. Yeah. Yeah. So of course, you know, the evil people, incest of course, just hitting all the fantasy book Evil Hallmark's and then back just a little more detail on how men and women are treated. I feel like I have no idea what any of these men look like. Every woman's hair, lips, eyes, curves must be described at least once and sometimes more often. Honestly, Brogan may as well be a walking mustache holding a bag of nipples and rubbish, just ascencion facial scar because that's all we find out about either of them.
The only other physical descriptions we get, our grad choose male, but a non-human creature and Jugiong. But but anyway, those descriptions aren't focusing on how sexy they are. It's not like dugongs. I don't know. Dick was huge and it hung onto this loincloth.
You know what's funny about the way they describe Tobias, too? I made note of this. There's like three different times.
Were Terri like vaguely describe some is short, like not the tallest man. Can't see over most people in the crowd. Yeah. Like you're willing to intimately describe every detail, women's bodies, but you can't get yourself to just call a male character short.
You just can't like, know that height shaming I carry. Yeah.
Five oh oh oh. Like the most, the most he'll say is like Nathan was a ruggedly handsome man. But I mean I just feel like there's such a there's such a heavier emphasis on the specifics of a woman's appearance over men in this series. And yeah.
So I never find out how Big Richard's dick is.
You know, I was waiting for and waiting, and they never tell you, oh, man, I guess there's more ageist bullshit for about how older women can't possibly be attractive. Let's see. Page two. Seventy two. I have a note that probably demonstrates we were talking about earlier. Oh here. Here we are him. Virna snorted a laugh. We're the same age, Phoebe. She wiped her palms, hips of her green dress as Vern awaited.
Yes, but you've been away for more than twenty years. You've aged that much, just like those outside the palace. It will take me near to 300 years to age to where you are right now. Why you look like a woman of almost. Party, no, turn aside, yes, well, a journey will do that to you, at least mine did. I don't ever want to go on a journey and get old. Does it hurt or something to so suddenly be old, do you feel?
I don't know, like you're not attractive and life is no longer sweet. I like it when men view me as desirable. I don't want to get old like it worries me. And anyway, basically Verna gives a pep talk that's like yo man, being old is actually kind of cool. I'm smarter now and aging gives you an advantage in some ways.
But I don't know Minar, but I just put Fee-based Virna.
What's it like to be old and attractive? And Virna keeps having to stop from saying, I don't know, what's it like being a dumb bitch?
So questions like, yes, it's like there's supposed to be kind of smart, like, good lord.
Yeah. I think Chapter two, by the way, Vernon is describing a person who's missing, a sister who's missing Cristabel. And the way Virna in her own head describes her missing friend is the creator had blessed her with gorgeous blonde hair and comely features.
Yeah, I don't really think like when my friend's missing, I'm like, oh, man, God made her so hot. Too bad she's missing case.
Where are those titties. Yeah. Oh I got to see those again. What a bummer. Yeah. Like that's not how anyone thinks about that stuff.
Oh Chris I just my one more note from that chapter was that they talk about Jalaa the game.
Oh yeah. Fucking we're and it basically just blitz ball but obscenely violent.
Yeah. That's pretty much it. Just like from Final Fantasy ten. Yeah.
I've never, I don't know, it was like a fun aside mini game, fake sport that they made up for Final Fantasy Ten.
It's so similar like they start on a grid, it's just like weird. It's like the struck me very well.
There's only so many games you can come up with with balls and grids. Right.
Very true. I mean.
Yeah. So you're bound to be kind of some throwing. I have a giant chalkboard with the sport ball.
Great ball that I have to Arason if I had no know, we call it Bug Ryba. We, we print it, we replace all the ends of the words with hyphens because it makes it sound exotic because that's what they did for this.
Jalaa is like a short and I forget something anyway.
It doesn't matter. Anything happens, it's taking very long.
I have a note for page two. Ninety two that is here come the nuns and black wizard sex offenders.
What does that even about? Sung to the tune of Man in Black and what I want.
I'll read the page and let you know I'm going to be here forever. Yeah, I have page.
I have a note. This is page three 68. Finally some fucking Z. Oh yeah. Three hundred sixty eight pages in the paperback before Z or Kailin even show up.
That's oh it's more than halfway through. It's about just Virna getting her rage on and like figuring something out about the prophecy. I don't know. I guess I just had a moment there.
Page three. Twenty four. Tugging a horse's tongue seems like a great way to lose a finger or two. Why is there a page where they tug a horse's tongue? Why would you. You would never do that. Let me it's when not added God, when Angelina and Nathan, who surprise are of course, alive, even though they were burned on a pyre, it's like anyway, no, no main characters die. Let me find the oh, they start dying.
Good. Oh, here we go. And stroked a gentle hand along Bella's sleek, powerful golden flanks, bellydance with delight at her touch. Bella is horsefly.
The big mare hopefully stuck her tongue out. She liked nothing better than having someone tugged on it. Have you ever met a horse who like their tongue tug? Because I sure happen. That seems weird to me.
It's a really tiny detail to get hung up on in a sea of crap. Yeah, it's a 600 page book. I skipped over the horse dung bar.
Well, it just was so weird. I'm surprised that neither remember that because that was fucking strange. No.
Anything that, like, was with Anna and Nathan or Virna is kind of like glossing over it. Yeah. You do the stuff and the thing and then nothing happens and you fail ultimately, but you just mechanism that shows up.
And he also doesn't do anything in this book.
There's no reason for that to be said to be here. Oh, yeah. Sorry, T.J. You said that people care. Main characters do start dying. They lose their armor eventually in these books.
Yeah. I mean, the next book, Richard, solves the bubonic plague while tracking a Jack the Ripper style serial killer. Three oh oh oh OK. And more Sith dies after he fails in his election for mayor. Kaylin is violently gang raped and beaten so well.
But she'll die.
But, you know, it's simple. I mean, I guess that had to happen eventually, right, with something.
Yeah, exactly what she got. She got a source sexually assaulted in the last book, right?
Not no. Like there was an attempted one, but it never. Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry, I don't she gets raped in that book either. I think they just beat the shit out of her and Richard. Yeah. No, Richard literally just runs up right when they're about to.
That's right. Oh God.
But now don't you start dying because like it gets it gets fucking really. It sucks how tediously written it was. Like that again starts getting dark and like even more violent and more battles like actual pitched battles with, like I said, throwing fire at the imperial order and shit. But, you know, then there's just hundreds of page of sexual violence in between. So it's never really there.
Course there is past that. OK, so I'm actually getting to an important point in my notes. So towards the end of the book. Richard is like, oh, no, I have to get to Kaitlynn fast, how do I do that? She's several weeks away. Oh, good thing I found this time this fast travel mechanism in the Wizards Keepon. Oh, what do you know? It's like it's like at this point, I imagine as I'm reading the book, the camera pans and and there's like a vignette around Terry Goodkind as he's writing on his working on his drafts for this novel.
And you see him with his hand on his chin, looking up, thinking, and he goes. Oh, I need a fast travel mechanism. Oh, I know it's a lady that you kind of fuck. That's that's it. Yeah, let's do that.
That's a bit of a stretch as I go through dozens of chapters of notes to get to where you are.
Yeah, we're like besiegement now over basically the entire plot of the book to talk about the sealife.
But the slip is the Terminator from Terminator to only you jump inside of it and it transports you places.
And it's a pretty it's a pretty silvery slippery lady. I have to be fair to this is like one of the few times he isn't horny for a thing and he is very horny for this slip, he isn't.
But why does it have to be a lady that you have to go inside of? But it's not a lady. It's a it's a thing like it's a female doing it for no reason. What do you mean? I'm not gendering it for no reason. It's referred to as a woman.
Well, like, why would anyone care what gender it was unless they were trying to fuck it is what I'm thinking.
No, but I'm saying the text was pretty clear that it was feminine in form. Yeah. I'm just saying it's like funny that you, like, noticed that because, like, to me, I'm like, oh, he wasn't horny for the because you can do every fucking thing at Quiksilver.
Like he could have easily been very horny for this giant pile of soft goo. That's true. But but any ended in a slight bit because it's not the object I guess.
And also I'm not sure. I mean, I've been kind of crossing out my notes as we go. And the only I don't know, the only thing I skipped was like, well, I was going to start talking about the murse with stuff, but apparently there's some other shit that you wanted to get to.
So, no, there's just I just I was trying to figure out where the cliff part happened. I just kept scrolling.
But like, I mean, you know, after the after they find out that the that the duchess tried to kill him, there's more dumb shit happens. Richardson scratch to Z and Kaitlynn to tell him all the shit he fucked up, like, hey, I dissolved the entire country tribe. And then like their solution is like Z spells himself to fly away with Crash to help Richard not fuck things up.
And this is around the same at this around the same time as when Richard and Burdine go into the keep for no fucking reason. And Richard is weirdly homophobic or they have the. Oh, and yeah, you're that's exactly right where you are. And then the next shit is we see Tobias fleeing the sister with, you know, fleeing in drill to go find Kailin because he knows about her. Now, for the dumb, convoluted reasons we already talked about, they meet up with the MRIs with basically who are just like, hey, we're we're on your side.
We're actually with the creator. And he even this moron is understandably like, oh, these incredibly evil looking lizard creatures all around our site.
But I guess I'll just trust it because Zhigang keeps appearing in his dreams. So, like, I mean, I guess that makes sense. And then a few chapters later, we, you know, know that, boom, there you go. Are captured by them. They put Rawda hands around her neck, which is the collar that they use to control the wizard. Boys like that stops all magic, apparently, even though.
But but then we do anyway. But then they fuck that up, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With the very last, like, page of the book, that actually always pissed me off, but.
Yeah, but the weirdest fucking thing around this time is that and in Nathan apparently their whole plan was to put one of those collars on Z and it just makes no sense.
And he's understandably pissed.
But like, no, they're following a prophecy. Yeah.
Because there was obviously the probably the stupidest of of a fucking just forest of stupidity in these books.
Like how many trees died to put the stupidity to paper, the prophecies and everything about it, like Geumgang wants to go to the Palace of the Prophets so he can, like, use the secret codes to conquer the world. It's just like you see to you doing a pretty good job without that shit, bro. Maybe you could keep going, you know, Normy style. Yeah.
And plus, the prophets need so much interpretation or the prophecy. Sorry. And most of them are wrong and. Yeah, and implicitly most of these are both. Actually one of my notes was like earlier in the book when they were talking with Verna and Warren, have this conversation about all the numerical permutations of the possibilities. I was like, yo, someone needs to invent a fucking computer for these people, like we need a computer help.
She says that, like, long phrased that like puts Warren in his place like something like a bi fabricated fork. And I'm like, that's just like a girl box moment, a bifurcated fork.
It's like a fork that's forked, guys. Oh yeah.
No Hathway like. But yeah I just, I just really feel yeah.
They need some computers up in the palace, the profits. But sorry I had one other stupid note on page three. Ninety two. This is when Z and Kailin finally get Richard's letter from scratch that he sent with Gretsch. And it, it starts off, it says, My dearest queen, she read aloud, I pray to the good spirits that this letter reaches your hands. Z shot to his feet. That's a message. Kailin frowned at him.
Well, of course it is. It's his letter. He waved his thin hand.
No, I mean, he's telling us something. I know, Richard. I know the way he thinks he's telling us. He fears that if someone were to get their hands on this letter, it might Petraeus or him. So he's warning us that he can't say everything he might like to. No, dude, that's just how you start a letter, my dear queen, I pray to the good spirits that this letter reaches your hands like that's not code might do.
That's just how you start a letter.
I mean, just because he's not in her name. Yeah, but. I mean, why, what but why? But he could use her name. No, because then the death spell, someone might see it and the death spell might be undone. No, no, no, no, no, no. He's the queen of Ghalia, so. All right. Shit. So, yeah. So I was like this. Just how do you start a letter?
That's not a code. I just thought that was stupid. There's so much shit that can be caught in this fucking book, I think. Is that meant that he thought Richard was dumb enough to just write down Kailin and that's it. And like so the fact that he spent the extra effort to write out a proper greeting like that between nobility is the code.
He's pretending to be a politician, just like he's been pretending this whole time because he's not anywhere in the woods like seven months ago.
I don't get it, Richard. Oh, yeah. I had a question that said, did Richard not know Marissa was evil? But then I didn't. I think I wrote that before I realized there was some magical shit going on with the Cape and the debris. Can we talk about that? Because that's another thing I don't think makes any sense.
Yeah, I think we only there's only like a couple more little I mean, other than Z being kidnapped by Héléna, who takes him to the Palace of the Prophets because she wants him to destroy it, just like. But I had to get you super pissed first.
Oh yeah. The false prophecy. She's like and then Zed's like, well no I was like, well what about if you're gangs coming and using you like. Oh yeah, sure, totally. But he can't even do it. So that was all completely pointless. Yeah. Like that was like that's why those are so I remembered that I'm like Nathan in a in a chapters I just skimmed through. I'm like, yeah, they do a bunch of stuff that's all for not like a lot of this but you know, there you go.
So yeah that, that's about that's the only other thing I wanted to point out, just how pointless all those chapters were. All right, so we're basically back to Richard going into the slip to fast travel to get to Kailin before Tobias gets to her and already has her.
Yeah, but he doesn't know. He doesn't know that he's in the lift trying to get to her still. Because he, you know, hasn't come back yet, so he doesn't know for sure. So he had a messenger brings word that Caitlyn has been captured by Brogan and taken south. Oh, OK.
And then he goes to the sealife and he ignores Burdine saying, take off the Cape, take off the Cape. He's like, no, I like it. Then Rocksmith are my friends, is the exact quote.
Even though Burdine is translating this old journal and obviously, like, must have uncovered something and he just ignores her and like, she's got like big old cans too.
Yeah. Yeah. We have to. Yeah. If he's going to listen to anyone in the world of this book, like it's going to be there.
They have, they have, they describe the size Albertine's. Yes. Yeah they do it like Kaitlin's like yours are so much bigger than mine. Oh yeah. I forgot how she's like Charlier and she's like troll's Richard. Like you didn't know they were like, oh no, I totally did. I'm smart too.
But so Richard goes the spliffs.
Well, I just wanted to mention this, like he just throws a spear, a bomb down the well. It's like he he can all of a sudden summon magic again. And that's how he activates it. Yeah.
He just it's another thing that he can just know how to do and does because he's Richard and therefore he's correct. So he just thinks hard and throws the Goku Jesus spirit bomb down the well and the slip is awake again because he can't bring the sword. Yeah.
So you like slams into the ground.
He fucking Excalibur's. I wrote Richard Sword in the Stones. Yeah. I said, I said, oh God. I forgot that he Excalibur. The sort of truth it's because is better.
He's so strong and such a good guy that he literally slams his sword into stone solid stone and so horny for Caitlyn. Yeah. So horny for Caitlyn.
Last thought. Yeah. So, so, so I guess at this point we should say that we onwe the whole book. We know there's something up with the murse with and they clearly have their own agenda, but we never really know what it is. And then all of a sudden it comes to fruition. Right. Yeah.
And when we're all at once just like yeah. So so Richard goes to the sluff, which again is that like quicksilver, feminine shaped fast travel, weird shit that he finds in the wizard scheme and he's wearing the cape. And when he comes out of the slip on the other side, which again, he didn't even know where it was going to bring him. Right, like he was just a Tanimura, but that's about it. Yeah, like he wasn't sure exactly where he was going to pop out here unless he comes out of it and there's a bunch of murse with.
And Marissa, is there one of the this is the dark. And he's just like, oh, hey, what's up? And she's like, sup, take this yerbury. And he's like, cool. And I was like, wait, does he not know that Morris is evil? And and the whole Yerbury thing, I didn't understand quite why having the the Yerbury as a Pantera claw, apparently, as I learned early in this episode, I don't understand why him holding that weapon.
Mind controls him, I think it's more the cape, I think the Cape is like the initial thing that's fucking with him.
But the Cape hasn't bothered him up until now. It's been bothering him, the whole that's why he has the thing on the back of his neck that he keeps itching. And then there's like that scene where I think Burdine gets a poultice for him. Like, I know it's going to be extra good because she put my period blood in it.
But wait, what? Yeah, I like that. Couldn't make that shit up like. Yeah, no, he's got like this like itchy thing on the back of his neck. Like it's like it's told and explained later that like MRIs with Ah. Wizards' you like. Traded something of their humanity and power or whatever to become invisible. And apparently this is not explained. If you put on the Cape and wear it too long or whatever, you'll start to turn into one.
So, like, that's the initial hook in him. And then the knife makes it worse.
But yeah, he goes from like basically normal to, like, stoned off that.
Yes. Yes. OK, that's that's what I'm saying. There's no gradual change so can make any sense. I just all of a sudden not that loud. Non-slip is like tripping. Yeah. And I don't understand, you know, traveling in. And the other thing that doesn't make any sense is like he can't bring the sort of truth through the sluff, but he can wear them with Cape. I think yeah, I think, well, sort of truth is like very big dick as far as a magical object.
Yes, well, I think it's because it's because it's the wrong kind of magic, right?
It's because it's no longer additive and subtractive in it. So they could have given himself an easy out. I if you ask the shit out. So why does. But it seems like the library and again, I hate that name. It's such a stupid name for a like way. You know, it sounds like it sounds like you're like I you bring my boy, you bring you know, like something I put in my butt.
Oh that's not it doesn't sound like a bad thing to me. It sounds like someone's stupid nickname in Southie.
Like I don't have the other one parish to put it in there too if I could.
But I just don't understand like why it seems to me like the bridges are the thing that really kind of make him. That's the big fat. Yeah. Yeah.
Like totally changed his mind and she's about to do and that's like a cross joint. Yeah. Your car's Marissa and Richard to light.
I just don't make the slip like the hotbox car that you sit in to like.
Yeah, but Paris is like, not wrong. This all comes to a head. I have chapter by chapter. It's like five chapters where this all just happens at once.
Like he comes out of the sealife and it's like, hey, here's the thing. The old queen is dying in the new one wants to go in the spliff and he's like, totally. So I'll break that shield right there. Right. And it's like, yeah, exactly.
Like what Woodenness don't do that for the evil giant monster that's full of eggs. Yeah.
And also also, didn't you love I have a note that says, well, at least he didn't fuck them with queen you. Yeah.
If they would have made it like humanoid, they would have been a danger.
Yeah, but why can't he understand pheromones communication from the mast with Queen. Do we have an answer for that.
I just wrote it communicates via smells and noises so I don't really know because because it was like he smelled something and it knew exactly what it translated to in English.
And then secondly, if murse with or just like they just get changed into lizard folk by wearing the capes, what is up with this giant queen that's hatching eggs.
Yeah, that what would. Because if the X-Men that I get I don't like why I've got nothing.
I got a little bit of magic shit that you guys are just struggling to explain. I have no I got nothing for this. Why. There's a damn queen like you just like so the dudes turn into wizards and what they like shit out eggs eventually I don't.
And the women turn into the giant queen.
I think. I think the thing was that like they are a bunch of eggs came out of the old queen and they said and one of them was a new queen. So it's like one of those like B things were like eventually like it's much more rare to have a female, but but there's no reason why they would go from wizards turned into a creature to like a thing that lays eggs. That's that's dequeue. It's the it's the stupidest thing in this whole book.
I don't know.
I don't know. What's your theory? Oh, no, that's fine. I don't know. Terry J. I am embarrassing myself. Um.
Oh I got I've got some, I've got some small other notes. There is there is the big fight between Luneta Brogan and what is it. Just Kaitlynn murder them I forget.
Oh I actually have the order like I wrote the order because it's. Oh yeah. Malarious thing like so kailin and eighty like spring a trap on them. That's just involves whacking them over the head with a log.
They just that's both of them. Keila just goes whack whack.
I go OK all right.
And then like this is really stupid section. We're broken basically like the the the creator is actually the devil.
I'm the creator now. It's like it sounds like a dumb anti religion sketch from like the 90s. It's like this is what Christians are like. It's like, OK, I'm in. But then in a weird chain of events, like they find out Luneta is actually pretty because they take off like her weird clothes and she's like they describe her as an attractive older woman. They had to put in the jab. They had to call her an old. Oh, yeah.
So she's actually attractive, like an older woman. And then, you know, why is this furious that she looks decent? It's like you're not pretty. You're ugly. He's like, no, I'm sorry, bro. I just have a look. And it's revealed that Brogan actually has the gift. And the reason that Munin is always touching her gift is basically to stop Tobias from doing anything with his.
And honestly, I did feel like that was a really good reveal. Like I didn't suspect that shit at all. I was like, oh, fuck the reverse glare on Luneta. And then Bragin having the gift. I was like, Oh, that's very Lindsey Graham. I really did reveal this.
Yeah, yeah. It's like the night was actually gay is like the anti magic guy starts throwing lightning. Both Yes, sir. Yeah.
Like he keeps turning around like Luneta. That was you. It's like no. Who smelt it down your throat. Out your own hand even.
I got to say though, I was like, wow, I'm actually impressed with that reveal. I thought that was great. Yeah. I was like, damn, this was good one.
But Rogen kills Luneta and then Gualtiero, his guy who likes rape more than consensual sex, he slits his throat and then Kaitlynn stabs him. And it's literally in the span of one paragraph that all that happens.
Right. So then that that's the end of that. I took forty nine whole chapters for them. Dispatch that enemy. So that's rare for this book. You do things like two or three.
So yeah, it's very cartoonish too. Right. First you got the log hits and then just everyone kind of like stabbing each other in a line until no one's left. Just like Boik, like sends a needle through his heart and then is immediately has her throat cut by Gualtiero and then Kailin puts them through with a sword and we're preparing our prayers.
But then we're done with the villains for this book and with the book in general. Because, I mean, all that happens is Richard goes back to Aydan drill. There's a marriage with Army attacking and he feels like he's going to be overwhelmed when he's in his, like, rage, horniness with the sort of truth.
Oh, hey, I have one last note. Oh, oh, sorry. I have a note about the fight. Yeah. Because Z Z tries to destroy the powers of the prophet prophets but can't.
So he sets some sort of trap, bomb or whatever, and then like Caitlyn and Richard finally meet up, but he almost kills her.
Like I wrote down, the morons are made for each other. Yes.
And then like so Richard wants to go get a book from the vault so much that he risks both of their lives just to go get it. Like there's there's an Indiana Jones Act sequence where there's this light that keeps trying to kill them. And I feel extra stupid for not realizing that was that spell.
So, yeah, like so it's like, oh, ironic. He said it and then he sets it off. Palsson profits explodes in between. This is the stupid ass sisters thing where they swear devotion to Richard in a way that doesn't make any sense. And and and Z are like looking at the palace like oh word it destroyed it. Cool. And then right before Richard and Kaitlynn about to get in the sealife, this is when Caitlyn gives Richard the hall pass, sort of she's like, I forgive you for being with Marissa.
You were alone. And I thought I was never coming back. He's like, nah, like, oh, well, never mind. It's like, imagine that guy's feelings.
It's like I could have fucked all those women and she would have been fine with it, like all of them.
All right, you're talking about the fight between Maurice and Richard, no, the fight between Luneta and all them, there is a point where someone I forget there's I forget who says it, but someone yells at Luneta, your name is Little Moon. And I was like, why are we yelling this in this fight right now? What the fuck was the point of that?
I think it's 80 is from the same place as them. That's like. Oh, right, your who yells it? But then they say after that an 80 like like Ginetta was crying and it was like talking to her in her native tongue.
Yeah, that's true. It is a very stupid look. I don't understand. Yeah.
Like I just it just seemed like she was like, I know that I'm not stupid. Yeah. And yeah, I don't know. And then also if it's supposed to be some weird other language, why is it so odd? Like we can understand that Luneta means little moon. What it's like it's not like it's in some I mean I guess unless they're like oh that foreign tongue is Italian. I just thought that was strange. Anyway, my other notes are my other short notes are feeling pretty weird about and marking a pregnant lady.
Yeah. Oh man. Yeah. There's a pregnant sister who is kind of not guarding but sort of just sitting at the entrance to the the vault where all the, the prophecies are and Ann is with Z and and just kills her, just stabs her and and they talk about it and, and it's like, well anyone who is loyal would have been gone by now.
Therefore I feel fine about this.
And I was like, she also says why she shouldn't because like, she wasn't able to talk to Virna about whether, you know, the loyal people actually did leave. Yet Z is such like he I love says my favorite character by a lot. And he was the whole time that she had him under his control. She just he just fucks with her like he put like he invented like he conjured up mites to go in their sleeping bags.
Yeah. Much less funny.
He triggered her like journey book that she used to talk to Virna to like basically explode if she uses it again.
Yeah. That's why she had to kill the pregnant ladies. It's like it's like it's A to Z, like it's kind of your fault. And he's like, oh, bags. Yeah.
And I just thought that was a really weird point that they sort of gloss over, like they don't really talk about it in depth. And I was just surprised that.
Tell us what else to do. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. And kill that pregnant lady first. I just thought it was an odd choice. I even have that. Yeah. Yeah.
And if it's if it's him trying to be nuanced, he didn't do a very good job of it to kill a pregnant lady. How about there. So it just kind of stuck in my mind.
Hey, I was really happy for Verna and Warren, just going to say that they made the earlier thing where they had conversations about when you weren't like looking like this.
I thought I might want to get a little piece of that. Like, it makes that whole exchange earlier in the book, like. Yeah, and then they it's creepy.
They finally are like, hey, I like you even though you're old or young and you're like, cool and actually says, like, I don't see any wrinkles.
Like, yeah, yeah. She's forty. There's a Yeah she maybe my Floran thanks Warren. I really like Warren. He appreciates we older women like like forty years apart.
I mean how do you like your skin sagging. Like it's forty. I know.
Oh yeah. And hey Terry, I don't need to be reminded twelve times what Fouad or Greece or throughout the means. It's clear and hard with time. Yeah. He's just showing up all the time, going like I am the killer of all destroyer of worlds.
Bringer of death.
But OK, so but here's the thing. He he every time it comes up he's like it means this. I'm like, yeah, I remember from last time and also it sounds dumb and you should feel bad about it.
It's like you said those words and then spent two more paragraphs describing how exactly he is that thing when it's clear from context. And these are also the same two paragraphs you've done like three times in the same book every time he goes and fucks shit up, which those are the only decent scenes. Like whenever I would read the like when Richard's killing all the movies with and stuff like, oh, this is how like fifteen year old me would write an action sequence like yeah it's, it's, but it's very edgy.
I was very much an legislative fifteen so I'm just like oh yeah, whatever.
Whenever he's about to fight he's like oh him death is like okay buddy you can see it like oh I wish this sort of truth was a Catana instead. That would be so much cooler. Yeah.
He cuts his own arm half the time he didn't in this book because he was already covered in blood, but that's usually his move to like slice it across himself so it tastes. The blood. Oh, yeah, oh, no, he did do that at one point in this book, he was like, yeah, I need some foetid with some blood. And I was like, wow, kill me. I don't know.
I also there's I one of my major overall notes is I hate that all these strong women end up serving the good guy, white male savior. The recitation on page five seventy one feels like a death knell. Because you have all these sisters who are also the two independent women, yeah, but I'm saying that sucks. The main the main protagonist in this book just takes everyone under his power and everyone loses kind of loses their independence and agency.
Fuck that. The Suk's hate it. Yes.
They are trying to like, you know, survive. And I mean, I. The particular thing about him being white, I'm like, OK, let's hold one, let everyone in these books are white. You cannot be making racial distinctions about anyone because this is a world where black people do not exist. There's no brown people.
Yeah, but I mean, but that in itself is a commentary, right, that the author just didn't even write them in from a fantasy book from 25 years ago where the guy has pants around his ankles the whole time he's writing it, I guess.
Oh, I know. It's the racial nuance.
I mean, I know it's very predictable. It doesn't make it any more fun to read.
Well, there is one person who's mildly described as ethnic. Really? Yeah, I have. Let me have the I have the quote.
It's Sister Philippa who I just kept putting in I in in her name. So it's sister Filipina because he keeps trying.
He describes her as exotic and high cheekbones like your like over every time he was like is this him trying to like it's cool man. You know, everyone's why you don't like. All right. Yeah. Just keep exotic and eye cheekbones.
All right. It's kind of worse that you're not just like you described. Yeah.
It's, uh, are you trying to say there's Asians in your world, Terry?
That's a slippery slope. I don't know.
But I guess I guess I mean, you know, I'll concede your point that honestly, it doesn't matter if he was white or black or green, the good guy, male savior. Still, it still sucks that all these women with who previously had independence and agency have to literally bow down and pledge allegiance to this.
All these women are explicitly sworn to serve invisible God that may or may not exist. So I wouldn't say that exactly. It's none of I understand your point completely. But I just like to pick about these these characters who have just been spending literally hundreds of years, like in a convent, like serving men already, like that's their whole job and has been for centuries.
So, yeah, I guess I guess that's true because they see the creator as male, right. They damn well better times in the world of the book.
In the world book. I'm not saying that. I'm saying no, I know. I know. I imagine a woman be like, what if God's a woman immediately thrown out?
But I guess I but I guess at least in there. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe you have a point. Fuck me.
Everything that queens they have lost their queens. Queens are a thing so.
Yeah but if the men, if the only religion that they really have is, is basically this take on Christianity than it. Yeah. At all. Nothing.
Well at least they get to see the devil sometimes. Like at least they know that guy exists. Yeah that's true. I never see the creator. OK, that's real. I don't know.
I mean so I guess I guess honestly, if anything, that just kind of proves me more. Right, that like. Yeah, we're all everyone in this book is just. Yes. Oh yes. Male savior weather weather up in the heavens or here on earth.
It's all this this powerful male savior where in the earth below the skies above or the deepest, darkest reaches of the sea. You better have a penis if you want to rule.
Yep. I mean, we're talking about a book series where the original bad guy, ruler of horror, was named Panis Rawle. Oh, my God. I just choked on coffee. Thank you.
So this isn't a series of subtlety. Here's the two roles before Richard were Panis and Darkon. OK, it's no there's no subtlety to the symbology.
Don't forget about the grandfather rapee. Yeah, that's true. Well, the great great big role. Yeah. No the grandfather wasn't. No of course not.
No it's a joke. Sorry. Although you believe that the world will be wrong.
Daquan is a name to all rapee.
OK, I'm really sorry but can I bring this back to the sluff. I have more questions. Yeah.
Didn't you wonder about how the morissa. Because that's where I am. Like OK. Yeah.
So like when I was with and Marissa's like well they go through this Cliff Richard and Kaitlyn and Marissa comes in like after. Yeah.
So before Richard and Caitlin go in my question, my two questions are because at this point Kaitlyn still has the right to hunt the caller on. I said, why would they not try to take her collar off before traveling and to why is she grabbing his ankle? Yeah, that's I think he already pulled off Kaitlyn's collar before that, but no, no, it's still on. No, I have in Chapter 50, when they first meet up with each other again, they make out for a second and then he destroys the collar and then they're good.
No, I mean, but she had it on when they traveled through the slip, right? No. What's he destroyed it when they first meet up with each other and she's like, Richard, how you do that like she does every fucking time he does anything he's like it turned to powder in his hands or whatever the fuck.
Oh, I guess they somehow mix that up and time. OK, ok. Yeah.
No, I made notes because like dumb dumb ass Kailin runs off from Virna before she can take the collar off. Pissed me off so much that it made me somehow even more angry when Richard took it off like five pages later I was like, so what's an import.
OK, well, all right. I guess. Fuck me, I got that wrong. I just remember thinking, why does she still have the collar on when they go through it? Because it's a magical thing anyway. I don't know. I guess I. Yes, I think the question, did you all have a question about how he kills Marissa? Yes, I have to suicide. Why the stabbing? The slip hurt my wrists.
That's what I didn't understand, because for some inexplicable reason, Morissa is like standing in the lift this whole time, like a fucking boss battle with a stationary boss and like instead of, like, stepping out of it. And we've already been advised from the slip, like, hey, you can't bring that sword in here. If the sword goes in me, you'll die. So I think Richard just remembered that. And then there's this, like, misdirect of Richard saying his hand extended, his fingers touched it when Marissa's is like handing him the second yerbury, when he's about to go full on Stoner and like, do whatever.
And then at the last second, he grabs the sort of truth instead because it says it's a need he knew well, and then he just shoves a sort of truth in the slip and she dies. That always confused me as a kid. Do I do I did the same thing I did years and years ago. Have to reread that section like a half dozen times before.
I was like, oh yeah, because you can't put the thing in the OK. Yeah, OK.
But I guess yeah. I also was like, well the only reason that makes sense is if she were standing in it, but I just didn't feel like they had ever established that.
So yeah, that's the thing you have to reread like the last two pages to be like, like that.
It's very clear, while not being very clear that she's standing in it like she floated closer, offering the yerbury to him. So like that was the phrase like Souness. The other stuff like I wrote in my notes, I figured that's what you guys were wondering about, because, again, it confused me for years. But she never reads this list.
But why why be so coy about that? I don't know.
Why didn't she just step out of the fucking slip? Why are you standing in like this and water like there's no power gained, right? Why in water? Why is she standing in it? And also why would he be so and why would he not actually come out and say that it just is a weird problem. Right?
The end of the book, Parasite Terry is a bad writer. Yeah. Oh, so bad.
I have over a decade of not understanding the same part.
I don't know what to be. Speaking of, Terry's bad Terry is a bad writer with plots. I kind of want to talk about how Terry's a good writer in other ways, but when it comes to stories bad deus ex machina, can we talk about that at the end?
So after Mersa gets Mirch, they just go to the city of Aden. Drill and risk with are just fucking it the horns of bad and Richard does his fourth dear Furious does Crooker whatever the fuck speech.
And then he goes, oh yeah.
And then he thinks he's about to die and go to the rescue with his gomi that he raised somehow Graps just shows up with all the other cars that I don't know, maybe he just told all of them, hey, I know this really cool guy. He lets me Kilmer's with all the time and I bet I could help you guys. Kilmer's with just follow me exactly what he does and says it's explicitly stated that like what he does. Yes. GA's I've had relationships with Wizards' for thousands of years.
It's like a surprise.
Yeah. Yeah. Because it's basically like, oh no. Richardson in this hopeless situation, how is he ever going to get out of it? Kaitlyn's here. No fighting, even though she was supposed to hide and they're all going to die, then it's just like. You know, the army is like every other Balkan conflict in this book falls from the heavens and saves them all. Yeah, it's just stupid, I don't know. And I was basically I was like, God, then that's that's the point in the book where we find out that bars were created by wizards as a solution for commerce with.
And I was like, God, it's fucking Australia up in here. You're bringing in other weird animals to fight the first weird animal. And then you get to bring in a third weird thing, because the second weird thing got out of control in a different way. It's Australia. Here it is bed. And now it's on fire. Yeah. Yeah.
And then there's just it just ends with more useless titillation when the Burdine, like, jumps on him in dry humps.
Look like she's like, look, I sort of like I see why they're like playful and stuff. It kind of makes sense, a little bit like just in generalities. But like that was just like weird because a lot of these books I didn't read especially closely before. So that scene I like read very closely like.
So she's straddling him and like she was dunking his head in a fountain, like who straddles their friends, who channels their friends know and like pulls his shirt up being like, you smell.
It's just like I heard it was very strange.
And then there's that whole scene. Yeah. Where Colins like good to touch your breasts or whatever she fucking says.
Well it's taunter by being like Lord Rosene all of our breasts you get hurt. He's like he's even touched mine. It's like if it grate over my boobs. Yeah. Like I think Reyna's would fit better and everyone's like oh this is fun.
We're going to keep her. Yeah. Yeah it's real and it just plays into that, it plays into a lot of shitty stereotypes about what a cool girlfriend is. Oh OK. Also is it me or is it super gross that Caitlyn wears a dennis' a Giel. I know we haven't talked about a Jills or Denia this entire time, but is that not weird? I wouldn't want to wear my like my boyfriend's ex rape girlfriend's weapon that she tortured and raped him with.
Yeah, because that's like Richard's ultimate good guy and like like, oh, Kaitlyn's the only one for him is like, nah, he got it really on.
Like, that was why he has a magic penis in the first book. Because it's not just Kailin like this tortured magic lady whose whole purpose in life is to like sexually torture men like his dick is so good that she'll just be like, I won't torture you this time. I just want the regular D this evening and like that.
And that's how he kills her because of that. And then Gailen, where's her torture device around her neck. And we didn't talk about like the last but hardly at all. But a thing we did get caught up on I remember was Dana comes back from the underworld, Dana is the Morde Seth who tortured Richard and like she tells Kailin, all the things she did to Richard to, like, make her understand for some reason I can't remember. But at a certain point, Kaitlyn just vomits.
Yes. And I think I might have hypothesized that must have been like she put it in his peephole.
But that's what I thought, too.
Yeah, but there's also another scene in this book where a different woman vomits from unspecified torture like they're talking about with the sister of the dark are doing to the crew of the lady. Yeah.
And like this was like, I can't I can't even tell you it's so unspeakable. And I'm like. Terri just doesn't can't come up with anything good that would make someone throw up. I mean, honestly, I'm I'm kind of relieved. Yeah, I will say I'm not I don't know. I hope he comes up with that later.
But I think just like we mentioned it, it's like I can't think of it. But anyway, like, my main point is, why would your fiancee wear the device that was used to wrap you around her neck? Because that's how she's extra cool girlfriend, like you said, because she's she understands that you kind of liked that.
Well, no, I think it's because Jenna became good after she died and was a spirit and helped them and helped them have astral sex. But that is also weird. Why is any of this? Because it's good. Seems a long, healthy Jesus. OK, so pretty much the end of the book. The only thing that happens after that is that is hanging out in a in a bar, eating beans as he eats many beans throughout this book.
I don't know if you guys are being this wizard eating beans and beans and he's doing it one last time at the very end of the book.
And he's got that rhino horn still on him. And then he just takes it off because I guess Subrata hands don't work anyway. So what's the fucking point of anything, Terry? Fuck off, Wade.
So, yeah. So then with the question is, why did he keep it on the whole time? Because remember, he was doing magic even though he had the rhino horn on. And I was like, that doesn't make any sense.
If you were going I mean, I I guess what that seems like a hell of a gamble. But also why go along with that plan? Pretending to not have any agency I don't. Better to be around to keep an eye on this crazy lady who's like trying to kidnap the first wizard and use him than to have her loosed into the world doing God knows what.
Well, yeah, but but why do you have to pretend that he was clearly using his powers around her? So I don't understand why you needed to keep the ruse up of having the right.
It was so funny when Anne was asking that herself, like, I don't know how he does it. I'm like, do you think maybe you don't have any power over him and he's fucking with you?
Like, well, and like like Chris said, fuck this. Because why would that why would it not work on one person? And why is Richard able to just rip it off of Colin.
Yes. Subtractive magic. And the person who put it on didn't. So he can do because he has subtractive, he can fuck up a lot of shit, is that really why, though? Yeah, I mean, for a lot I assume it follows the same rules as like all those shields in the keep that he can just walk through. No one else can just because like it's like. Yeah, it is.
Oh my God, I forgot about the shields that he can take someone else with him through the shields if he touches them off handedly down in the basement.
Offhandedly mentioned it before as one of the things that he can just pass through because he can think about it, which is once again, the whole fucking problem with this series is that everything, Richard, just can solve conflicts without thinking about it and it's unearned. And that's my final point for this whole fuckin episode here, is that this series sucks specifically because of that and almost purely because of that.
Oh, that's right. They also changed the name of the Jalaa game and now it's named after Richard because everything has to be about Richard all the fucking time. It's now like you Chala Raul or something, right? I forget, but yeah. Let's talk. All right. In summary, Chris, you've got a screen at the end here. Go ahead.
It was I kind of condensed it down to the point that I just made, honestly. But I will say the major problem with the series, again, it doesn't highlight the conflicts. I want it to. It'll just cut them off a chapter later. The whole Katherine thing. Like I said before, it could have been much longer and more drawn out or same thing with Burdine even being mind control.
That wasn't even a problem for Richard.
It was just instantly revealed that was so weird and solved within pages.
She didn't do anything to mess with his plans or anything like what did what was what happened because she was under that same spell. Like what negative thing I did nothing.
Nothing happened. It just get solved immediately. Even killed him with the agile like.
Yeah, well, you know, you could have even even the Sisters of the Dark, like maybe they're plotting longer or it's a tougher thing to figure out about how they can get out from under the gang's mind control. That could have been a more extended thing, but they just disappear for three hundred pages and pop up again at the end to make the oath to Richard. And that problem is solved. So that's not even that's another reason why that felt so shitty to me, because also I didn't get to see them figure that shit out that great.
And so it all feels so unearned and so pointless and there's just little to no throughline conflicts. And the only thing that really has that is the Virna chapters.
And and she doesn't even find the Sisters of the Dark. Exactly right.
And then once again, while we're here, I'll just throw in my little aside about how prophecies in any fantasy book suck, because, first of all, spoilers. Second of all, in a series like this where there is just a bunch of bullshit prophecies, so you're really you're just sifting through a bunch of things where people said shit at random and some of them could be real. How is that a prophecy thing? How can I not just set that up and just say, well, that is what people do, right?
I know the future and maybe some of them are right a little bit by just pure chance. All of this is just unearned, it's unearned and not well developed.
And I don't I really don't like this series.
Yeah, you shouldn't read more honestly. Like, I can just tell you what happens.
Like, you know, I think we've sat along here long enough already.
No, no. I'm just not now. I mean, like in general, like you want to know he becomes God at the end. The end like. Yeah. What happens.
Yeah. I mean. Yeah, I mean, what was really what was really gained in this third book?
Yeah, other than Richard just becoming cooler of a guy, the guard is, you know, he's kind of like a like a big, tall, tough Ben Shapiro like, oh no, I'm not saying in reality, I'm sitting in the seat and I tell you salary and logic and the sort of truth.
Fuck me, Ben.
Roll the band. We're all pierotti. Ben Shapiro.
You got it. Oh, yeah. Like this is sort of Chris pointing this out, sort of a time filler book in this series, like some things happen. Sure. Richard gets, you know, the official master of the horror thing and gets access to the keep and whatever. But like, I don't know how much progress have we really made? It's like it just doesn't seem like. A whole lot of things happened and maybe it feels that way because nothing is really all the solutions aren't really earned.
That's a lot of it's just Richard's bar mitzvah. Yeah. Today you are a man of this, the whole 600 page book.
But that but that Paris, you touched on it perfectly because everything feels so unearned. Even Richard's leveling up. That happened here. It feels useless because he just knows how to do shit. So why wouldn't I just expect in the next few books that he just knows how to solve those problems without having to figure it out or do any work for it?
Yeah. During a plague, you know, like what's what is my reason after reading book three to read book four. If I know that every one of meaning is never going to really die, if I know that Richard can always immediately figure out all problems, if there's never any real danger or or really a central mystery, it's like, why do I bother continuing with the series? Yeah.
When you're on like the seventh book and he's still fighting the imperial order in Zhigang and there's all these long, like, he literally gives like libertarian speeches to people in the old world about how, like, communism is bad and capitalism is good, like like other than the next book ending by him being the villain, by punching him in the stomach and pulling out his spine. Mortal Kombat style. Oh, my. There's not really anything worthwhile. I would say.
Like I said, I like Book six because it actually puts Richard in danger and has some stakes. But I am absolutely not going to read four and five to get there. I'm going to read book one to see if it's as if there's some stakes I can't remember.
But that's the only the only the only other point I wanted to make was just that sometimes Terry's writing is decent. And I think that that can trick a lot of people into reading this series, so. You know, it's not it's not a series that's like full of typos or awkward sentences. I think it passes the low bar for like, hey, this is this is pretty digestible, you know? And I think for that reason, people might be more inclined to think it's good.
It's competent. Yeah, but not really. Again, once the next few books, it gets less and less competent and like, OK, who's the Marxist girl in college who hurt you, Terry?
Well, no, I'm just talking about, I guess, the technicality of the writing. And I'm into that phrasing, things like that.
You guys would know better than me our long run on sentences like common and fantasy. It's like a thing like really just go like, you know, full paragraphs that are one sentence. I mean, if you use the right punctuation, it can be fine. I mean, this happens in philosophy a whole lot. Yeah, but not in it depends writer to writer. It's different having read a lot of fantasy books in this quarantine period. No, Terry is a big offender of the run on sentence.
It's like, OK, you describe that same thing three different ways. I get it. Yeah. I mean I just think that I don't know. I like and like like TJ pointed out, this book was written in ninety four, ninety six, ninety six, it was copyrighted in ninety six. So we're talking mid 90s here when it was written. So yeah, obviously it was a different time.
And I get that, you know, that's how many years ago now but.
I just think that there have also been plenty of really good books that don't have these problems that were written at the same time well before it are.
Twenty four books in the series. The one there's 24 books in this series. I just counted them in front of the book. You know, you did that many.
Oh, it's too many but I yeah. I don't know. I think that there are plenty of great fantasy books out there from the past that don't have these problems.
So I don't necessarily want to hand wave away these and any of my defenses like are just like pedantic and having fun, like it's bad and gross and yet other things that like just yeah.
There's better things to spend your time reading for sure.
So no, I mean we fix it. I want to skip over. Can we fix it. Because I don't think we can Parousia and I don't want to do it except for books. I want to play a separate game.
Paris. Oh. So we're we're not going to fix it because the magic system is fundamentally broken, as is the way the conflicts are written entirely.
So I would like to play this game with you, Paris, and this is kind of for me and you only teach is going to feel a little bit left out right here at my school. We recently read another blood based fantasy book, The Law of Blood.
So, Paris, I want you and I to compare Macedonia and sort of truth.
They're very similar, especially in these third books of the series, number one, protagonists that are always correct and know how to do shit just because they are the protagonist and know how to do shit.
Oh, my God, Chris, you're blowing my mind right now because I think you're right. The final mindblower, you know, magic rules that make no sense and always just get solved a couple chapters later by some other Deus Ex Magica thing happening.
OK, I madonia didn't have people that were anti magic necessarily, I think.
No, no, no, I don't think so, they just had different kinds of evil men, everyone kind of had magic.
Well, you know, black and white characters is another thing that's very, very. Yeah. Gender, gender and race and like gender and. Fuck morality binary everything, moral binaries to zero binary, yep.
Hmm, that's enough.
I think because of the big structural points, I would say that make them pretty similar in execution because, you know, Terry is definitely a better writer. Oh, yeah.
It would be very cruel to say that his work bears any resemblance. In the in the technical writing aspect, like you said, mechanically, too, but plot wise, they have the exact same failings.
So really, quality wise, I wouldn't want to read either because of that, because there's just no stakes to anything in either of these worlds.
Yeah, and. There's also like the main characters having plot armor and not and being just ridiculous, you know, like when Richard's like I am the death and the way and I'm going to I'm going to give my sword some blood, let it have some blood. Yeah. Joey does that shit, too, all the time. As dumb as the Joey shit and my shit in this and in law of blood. Also, both have a third book about with blood in the title.
So, you know, yeah, I wow, I, I didn't really think about this beforehand, so. No, I didn't want to be a long, lengthy thing, I just wanted to point out the obvious, like I said, structural similarities between how these books are approached in terms of plot setup and resolution, which is a major part of a story that's like the thing with stories, right?
Yeah, I mean, at least I think at least the world of sort of truth stuff makes. A little more sense overall, just like in terms of geography. Sure, yeah, I'll give it that. And I do think, like T.J. pointed out, I do think Z is actually kind of a decent character in some ways, like he's fun to read about. I like him. He made a likable character. I know I'm really reaching here.
Whereas in Macedonia, nothing, nothing sounds like a person. It sounds like a weird, weird, broken robot wrote that thing, so.
All right, well. I think that's it, unless anyone has anything else to say about this, oh, I don't know, Trinity. What does it mean in audacity if your cursor turns red?
Oh, no, I don't. As long as you're waveform still go in, then we should be like, I just turned red.
I think you just telling me you wrapping it up, buddy. Yeah. So let's wrap it up.
All right. Well, thank you for surviving this extremely long ass episode of Terrible Book Club. Thank you to our patrons, Daury, Greg Will, Veronica de Linn, Senya Yakob, Bobby Black Cat, John Cena, Mayeux Cat, Elliot, Keirin, Martin and Jay. Thank you, of course, to TJ for being here today and for guiding us through this fucked up and horny world. If you'd like to support the show, you can donate to us on Patreon for some various fun rewards.
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I am. Done with today. I don't know, are we good? I think that's it. What did we want to do?
Did we want to say to the next episode before we go, let's say the a surprise.
I think it'll be very unique and fun. It will be.
All right, folks, thanks a lot for being here. We will see you in two weeks. Thanks, T.J.. And we're going to banish T.J. back to the middle.
Yes, I hope I never return. Don't want you don't want to read anymore?
No, we don't. All right. Bye, Paris.
Bye, T.J.. Bye.