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Do the trashy pulp novels of the world have anything to offer our best sellers, all their hyped up to be the terrible book Love explores whether or not you really can judge a book by its cover or its ridiculous synopsis.
If you've ever seen a book and thought the reading this, we probably are. Hello and welcome to Episode 87 of The Terrible Book Club, I'm Paris and this is Chris. Hello. This time we read Maradona's and the Love Blood by Gloria Tesche. We're reading this at the behest of our patron, Daury. Thank you, Dori, for your longstanding and diehard support of terrible bookclub. We hope you enjoy this.
Hopefully final Ferré, the last one into Maradona's.
So if this is your first time listening to the show, what we do here at the Terrible Book Club is we read books that we assume will be bad based on their cover title summary or some combination of those three elements. And then we review them.
So we do the opposite of what most people do in a bookstore or or while they're, you know, browsing online or on Amazon. We try to read things that we think we will hate just to see if we're going to be right. If we can find maybe some joy in something awful. I don't know. It's it's a it's a journey and I hope have certainly been along, especially down this one particular road.
Yeah. So usually this experiment results in disappointing read and it's often hilarious. But, you know, sometimes we end up liking the books that we pick for content warnings. Today we've just got our usual barnyard language. You know, Christiania, speak casually. We've got a lot of swearing. There is one sexual assault scene, unfortunately. Yes. Once again, in this fucking joke of a book, there is a sexual assault scene. So sorry about that.
Everybody thought we could avoid it, but nope, just like that woman you marry book just a joke of a book. But then. Oh, surprise. So, you know, be prepared for that later on. So, um. Oh, I'm going to read the read the summary for I almost said, Gloria, in the law of Blood, you know, at this point, why not like that's fine. All right.
So the summary for Maradona's on the Love Blood book for in the Macedonia series him Gloria Tesche is one of the world's youngest novelists and widely seen as a great talent, able to take her readers on an exciting fantasy journey from the ordinary world to the legendary world to the land of Macedonia in Macedonia and the love of blood. Gloria brings us back to the land where anything is possible. In the latest installment of this thrilling saga, Joey and Maya not only have the fate of several worlds on their shoulders, they are also burdened with affairs of the heart.
If you're interested to know more about glory to her family and their book series Madonia, you can check out episodes 11. Sixty to sixty three and eighty six at her book club. There's a part of that summary, by the way.
Oh, I know. That's just sorry. I really don't like to laugh, but yeah, they're no printing that on the books. No, but yeah. So I'm sure many of you have been here with us before, have perhaps done your own scary dives into this world.
But yeah, we've covered these books a lot at the behest of patrons. We really like I said in the last episode, we only read the first book kind of on our own and all the other ones were because our patrons really wanted us to. Plenty of other people on the Internet have done deeper dives on the family and the series. There are like blogs and things, notably conjugal Felicity and someone called Swink.
I feel swanky.
I've I'm not sure how to say that. And there are others. There are also various like message boards online where people have. Kind of it's a borderline stalking on the family, so, you know, there's there's that two or two about that.
So that's but, you know, I mean, I guess in some, you know, as long as no one's. Harassing anyone, I guess it's I guess it's fine, it's just research. We definitely learned some things from those, but yeah. So just wanted to point out that we're just going to talk about the book. We're reviewing the book. We're not going to talk about. We're not really. Yeah. At the end, we're going to try to bring some closure to this whole thing, to our journey through Macedonia, try to get back to Oceanside today.
So, you know, I guess I'm just pointing out that if you're looking for. People like should escosa. Yeah, that's that's yeah, that's not weird, isn't it? So, you know, if it's relevant, we might talk about a couple of things, but that's certainly not what this is. All right. So our characters and setting, of course, are back in fucking madonia.
Florida, sometimes for a minute might enjoy our protagonist, their brother and sister team. We've got a Polian and Pluton, which are evil guys, Prince Rasmus, Queen Dido Elyssa. I don't know just who names these are. That's the prince and his mom from some other kingdom. I don't fucking even remember what it's called. Oh from Kawthar ago. Not to be confused with Carthage, which is definitely supposed to be master domination, which is like their Maya and Joey is a magical advisor guy who is like their vizier while they're gone.
Guya crawler guy or girl.
I don't know how to say that. I say Guya Kraul.
Guy Kraul. All right. Yeah.
Nick Croal the pirate troll. The Dread Pirate is the dread pirate.
He's a pirate guy's bad dude. Jodean Joline are awesome servants to or ladies in waiting or they were like in a coma for like a couple of centuries.
No no. Those are two different people are they. No, those are the covergirl. All right, can I say this, Paris, for all of its other flaws, that we can't even get to characters?
I think, honestly, Gloria did a decent job keeping track of who is who, what character is doing what.
I definitely lost track of all the generals at some point, but concerns all the generals or one person. There was someone named Uhland Kosenko, which kind of sounds like a Star Wars name.
No, it sounds like a figure skater from the 90s. I said, wait, wait. And now I know I got to check this because that name sound. Sounded like there's a couple of like, hey, that's just a Star Wars thing, I'm pretty sure there's definitely an indoor in here somewhere.
Did you catch that? Yeah, I don't remember what it was. One offhand mention of a place called Indoor.
Yeah, OK. Just ran out right there.
I know Jody and Jolene were the ladies in waiting to crem Hilda Krispy Kreme. Oh yeah. The two ladies that were like vampires are in a coma. I don't remember their names. You're going to have to be the master of that, Chris, because Chris has the book. We got Tarakan and the Muji, the two main dragons. Yeah, Muji emoji. I'm just calling emoji. And then Chris, final note is fuck this. I don't really care who else is in here.
It's also like the I'm sorry I didn't want to keep track anymore.
No matter. It really doesn't. Yeah.
So this is everything is so like Evanescence I don't even want to bring up 90s and 2000s rock bands but just things come and go.
It barely matters who's you know, I can't even even the plot thread and like wide Joey and Mya go from place to place sometimes is baffling.
I know the general idea is that they're uniting all the kingdoms for the final against the evil empire.
I was going to say I actually thought the very basic like to sentence plot summary makes sense. Yeah. Like you said, you know, they're trying to I think I think I summarized it. It's like there's like an arms race going sort of an arms race going on.
OK, well, I don't know. We could start there. Right, because even the arms race part doesn't make any sense.
Oh, yeah, that's true. But so just listeners please know that so much of this book is fucked up. We're just going to go through it in our notes in chronological order. It's going to be a mess. I'm sorry there isn't a more organized way to do this, because if, for example, if we wanted to divide it into like plot holes and grammar and spelling and syntax issues, like it wouldn't I mean, the grammar syntax, some spelling problems are.
I mean, the pages are basically made out of illiteracy, like like that's how it feels, and I don't mean to be disparaging.
You know, obviously not everyone has the same access to literacy education, but these people did apparently like sentences make sense in a way. Right. Like there's so many, like dropped quotation marks. And you have to, like, reorient yourself as to what the fuck just happened because like like a day will pass in a sentence sometimes. And other times it's like a lot of.
Yeah, it's a lot of, you know, that whole show don't tell thing. This is pure telling. This is telling all the time. Exactly. Everything with no artfulness.
Well, and there's clearly I mean, I think we've discussed this before, but to me it's very clear that Gloria didn't write this and that her parents, who I don't you know, they know they know English as a second language. So I think it's pretty clear that this book is written in that in the style of someone who I think specifically her dad, who, you know, didn't whose language, primary language was in English. And again, I don't mean to be disparaging, but get a fucking editor.
So, like, this shit doesn't happen. I'm sure, Gloria, I'm sure that Gloria had a part in coming up with ideas and stuff. But the way it is written, it's obviously written by somebody whose primary language is German. That's all.
It's like I'm a little mixed on that man. I still don't completely buy that, to be honest.
Oh, well, but if you read it into heavy hand.
Sure. But like doing most of the right, I think Gloria is the one that sat down to write stuff out for the most part.
Yeah. But her dad rewrote it so much that it's his voice like it is the voice of someone whose primary language is in English. I think that's pretty clear. And again, I'm going to keep saying this because I don't want to I don't want my point to be misconstrued. Like, I you know, everyone learns languages of different paces, like we're not all fucking literary scholars. But if you are publishing something, it needs to be run through editors.
It needs to be run through, you know, friends who can read it for you, please. Yeah. Like if you're struggling with a language, please get help before publishing. That is all. I don't want to discourage people. This was this is an adult man who just shit all over the pages and put it out in the world. And that is, you know, what you should do.
We're going to come back to that later for sure towards the end of this.
So let's, you know, casting all that aside, let's just take the book in a vacuum of its own space as if this is just a work in America.
It's like, well, it appeared on a shelf somewhere. Let's kind of divorce the artist from the art for a minute, which I usually don't subscribe to. But for just for a minute.
Yeah. Let's start talking about what happens.
All right. In the love blood. So the main plot is that. A polian who's basically Satan and his son, whatever the one that's still alive, Pluton, they are trying to figure out. How to get back into the underworld because the door is locked. That's really it's a problem that is like one of the first issues, because at the end of the last book, Joanne Maya stole the key to the underworld, which is also like a new laser pen.
It's like a really it's like it's like one of those Swiss Army knife is the like real varying power level two. And sometimes it will, like, blow off a hole in a 40 foot wall. Other times it can precisely disintegrate birds. Other times it will implode a whole tower with a mushroom cloud.
Yeah. So, yeah, it's like the most dangerous Swiss army knife in the world. It's like, oh, it's the key to the underworld. It's also a nuke. It kind of a kind of a crazy key fob to have just lying around but really just leave it lying around.
Oh yeah. Yeah exactly. So. So anyway so at the end of the last book they stole that. And I guess because it is a dual purpose item that is both a nuke laser pen and a key, they took the key and locked everyone out of the underworld. I don't know why the evil guys left the underworld.
I'm honestly still confused about whether the underworld contains the ice, the ice palace, or if I know it's it's it's it's up and also down Paris.
So here's the think. The Ice Palace was like in a bunch of mountains, right? I think so, yeah. That's where like the water park part of it, you know, the palace.
The water parks in the underworld.
Chris. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Totally different. No, no. Paris, no way.
The water park is like looking at old notes. Notes. No, the water park is like part of the evil palace.
It's like the grounds outside the evil palace where.
No, it's in the underworld. I swear to God, you know, the underworld is in like it's in a nearby mountain that is visible from a high point in the water park because Joey climbs up, remember, he climbs up to like the highest point in the water park to get a view of Kaanapali on unlocking the door to the underworld. And that's how he knows to steal Defendor. The I cannot fucking believe you remember that.
I don't remember anything, my mind has been purged of all knowledge, you know, I tried to make sense of the locations for everything.
I'm really glad that you did, because I don't.
All right. OK, so I open world. I'm checking our old notes, but continue.
Here's the underworld that there's that other mountain area that Joey saw when he was at the highest point of the water park. There's a door up in those mountains.
There's like a carved out plaza, I don't know, or something like that, where there's a door and that door has a staircase that leads downstairs to where the entrance to the underworld is, which I believe is another door.
That defender also unlocks. Oh, my God.
However, the problem is, is that when Joey and Maya escaped with the mermaids from the underworld because the mermaid place was like next door to the underworld, if you remember, there was like another door where the mermaids were imprisoned or whatever.
Yeah, I remember the mermaids being in the water park, but I would also trapped down there.
I thought it was all the underworld, though. I think the underworld was like a separate room. No, I was, Chris. All right. What am I doing? I'm going to get up and get the book. And we don't live for Paris. We have to come along. Well, you can't be breaking the law. Come on.
It's happening on. He puts it on the shelf somewhere. Married Julia, married, Julia, married, Julia married.
Oh, the ALP got married. All right, dusted off, married, married Tony on the gold about fear because I think that's when the married.
Daudier, were you just singing, don't you?
Yeah. I forgot about that. That was their song. Yes, just a little touch today. Oh, all right. Fucking long night.
Are you really going to look are you going to feel insulted? Key to the other world, which is like the other one we got, Chris.
No, we don't have to. The underworld, Chris. Is that like remember when there was the second half of seven bridges, which is key to the underworld? Oh, I don't know.
That's probably where whatever you're looking for is.
No, because the parents just don't like put it put the book down. You don't have to worry about being accurate about this, I think.
I think we do so well, because I just want to know because I remember thinking, why the fuck would there be a water park in hell? And I feel like we had a discussion of the water park is above hell, Harris.
It's also above the big staircase leading downward to hell. Oh, I just saw that baby illustration, you know, no Paris, you know, like the Four Kings Stairway in Dark Souls.
Oh, yes. Yes, I do.
That's what it is. OK, I think you're right. I think it might have been the other God fucking dammit fucking Christ. OK, moving on. Love blood. They they got locked out of hell and they need to get the keys back.
All right. And then the other part is, so they've lost the key. That is also a nuke. So the other part of the plant, they're part of the plan. It's like, well, we got it back in the hell. So we're going to go through this, like, circuitous route to this crater to get there. It's like some secret backdoor to the underworld. And they're like, well, once we got back, we got to hire the guy who made the key to make another one, you know, of course.
So we can have the same power level as Joey, who has this nuke. They also want another nuke. So when it first starts, I'm like, well, this is actually kind of a coherent plot. Like I mean, it's incredibly dumb, but like at least I follow it. At least I'm like, OK, the bad guys have a goal. They are going to try to accomplish it fine, which is sometimes more than we get from Macedonia.
So and then Maya and Joey have decided they somehow they know that the bad guys are going to attack them.
And so they have an early battle between dragons and rockings, if we remember, which are the Ravens and Harch.
Yeah, Raven Hawks. I don't know why. Why Rock Raven Hawk.
Right, right. Raven Hawk. Thank you. Yes, it was right in the name. What was I thinking. And they're supposed to be incredibly badass.
Pit bulls of Napoleon's army. There was the pit bulls of the sky of the sky. They keep saying that over like it's a cool thing like the Druids, like we call them the pit bulls of the sky. Yeah.
And even though pit bulls aren't pit bulls aren't big mean dogs, I love them and they love you. And that's I don't want I don't I can't believe that the misrepresentation of pit bulls continues even in shitty degrade fantasy books.
God damn it, don't denigrate hey, there is almost passing prayers. What a D is like a passing grade, right?
Oh, you're right. I guess it wouldn't be a D, huh? Well, anyway, there's an early confrontation, like I said, between the rockets and the Dragons. The bad guys are like, well, if we force Joey to use the key to the underworld, we force him to use the nuke, which he called, which is also called defender, because everything has at least two names in this fucking series. And it's not in a cool way, like in fucking Malazan, where there's a reason things have two or three or four names.
This is just they couldn't pick, I don't know. But they they're like, well, we'll force them to use the nuke so we can then advance our war of aggression. Once it's seen that they're using a nuke, then we can have one too. So it's not even.
Yeah, they just want an excuse to use the cold light waves. If you remember, the cold light waves are the ultimate supernatural weapon that a Polygon and Pluton have at their disposal, which just sounds like laser beams.
But also they didn't have a problem using the cold light waves in Florida when they were chasing Maya and Joey on the Florida beach.
Yeah, I also weren't the cold light waves completely like done under Bilic sunglasses or an umbrella or something.
I remember things like some simple objects, so I alter that shit.
I don't know. But what if you're the big evil king and you just want to be evil? Because let's face it, Aposhian just wants to be even worse. They could be an evil. That's that's his motivation.
Oh, yeah. It's cartoonish. So why wouldn't you just use the cold light waves?
Why do you have to like what fucking U.N. United Nations of the seven kingdoms.
Meridiani, do you have to like, explain your cold light waves usage to what fucking like.
I know that's a very good point. I don't know. So anyway, so that's like how the book starts. The Mayan Joey, you know, they of course win the battle, but they're like, oh, no, we know they're going to come back. I think they get like some spy messages.
It's like, hey, Joey, almost always have perfect information at all times. Know one secret. They're going to find that secret out three pages later.
Yes, exactly. So they know they're like, well, they're going to attack us again. So we need to get some allies, which again, I'm like, OK, this at least I can understand that again. Guys really just grasping at something here.
You guys ready for like the the hard boiled political machinations of Macedonia because this book is.
Oh, yeah. So they're like, all right, we need some allies. So they decide to take off to neighboring kingdoms to try to, you know, recruit some friends. They go to Kawthar go where most of the book takes place because.
Yeah, OK. Just to set this up, the kingdoms I remember you have Macedonia, which Miah is the queen of warrior queen of because she fought these twelve ghosts on the other beat. Hey hey hey guys.
Hey guys. If you want to, if you want like good. Warrior queen content, just play Visigoths, Warrior Queen and enjoy that and don't think about glory. Anyway, continue anyway.
So Maya is the queen of madonia. Joey is the king of Tai Ronia, which is like the Dragon Island nation, which he took over because the old king Pergament was like a you can have it, Joey, because you showed up and you got a cool, backwards baseball cap.
I don't know.
I forget why. Yeah, it seemed pretty random. It didn't really seem to make a lot of sense.
So Gorgonio is on board because the Princess Crem Hilda is in love with Joey and also her older sister, Brunhilde, who is like the actual queen, also is on board with Alang, up with Joey because they both think he's cute.
I think, you know, she's there.
I don't know why Brunhilde is down with that. I don't know.
She likes Joey to know. She doesn't. Yeah, she knows. No, she doesn't.
The part where Brunhilde was like Joey saw me first and he was dancing with me first. OK, I think you're thinking of the other book, Brunhilde is married to someone else now, happily married to someone else. Oh, OK. In this book.
So, yeah, I think it's have no, she doesn't have a paragraph. She was also Joey, like me first anyway. Probably I don't know anyway. So that's kind of. Yeah that's the setup. And then I think we can just start with her. Yes. Now Carfagno All right.
Where they travel to, to get them on board with fighting the evil empire.
So apparently the love blood because, you know, in every book you need to define the title of your book and like the first couple pages of the love you don't remember in The Catcher in the Rye, where they specifically said what The Catcher in the Rye was in the first three pages.
Yes, sure. And then, you know, Slaughterhouse five, they tell you, you said a lot of houses. It's the fifth slaughterhouse. That's why it's called number five.
Yeah. So I think it's on the first page or first two or three pages. It says the law of Blood is, quote, someone must die so someone else can live. And I just was like, OK, sure. Like at a very reductive level, the cycle of death and birth is essential to, you know, decent quality of life on a planet of finite resources at any given time. But. I don't know if that needs to be called the love blood or if that even makes sense.
Why does that even need to have a title?
I don't know, just kind of piling on has to say something deep and meaningful. I mean, this book still has your Macedonia isms sprinkled throughout, like freedom isn't free and, you know, tough times don't last.
But tough people do always like italicized or bolded for extra.
Like you should learn from this, everyone.
So just like a bad paper and a philosophy, one on one class we've got someone must die so someone else can live. Fucking great, bro. Yeah. Step one, guys. Wow. Wow.
And then there's just something I just have a list of weird shit. They keep talking about doorkeepers. And I was like, they're just people standing around the open closed doors. But then I thought about it and I was like, yeah, I guess that is a thing.
And in palaces. Right. Sort of thing.
Sorry if it's like a special door, right. If it's like a door you want to keep guarded, there must be a door guard.
But this guy but this guy just follows someone else around and opens doors for the traveling food taster in case the door is poisoned, I.
Oh, no, sir. My hand is melting. They'll go through this door. I mean, you could put you put like tactile poison on a doorknob right there, just really thinking ahead.
They're being really paranoid.
Oh, man. No, no, you're right. It's probably fine. But they just kept mentioning this doorkeeper, following this guy around. And it was just kind of annoying to me because it didn't it wasn't necessary. Like the doorkeeper didn't provide any. Anything to the story? Can you open the doors for king of Hollywood anyway? I don't even know if it was a polygon. It could have been. It was I think somebody else actually. I think it was like one of the other demon guys.
There's a ton of weird misspellings and non words in here, like Signalized.
When you signalized someone, it's you're signaling them, but it's like you're signalized something else.
Oh, Chris, I'm sure, actually, if you just crack that book open and just give us a couple more, I'm sure you could.
Oh, you play the game where I just, you know, open to a random page and look for something that's that's weird.
Oh, apparently. Oh, I just saw your note. Chris, do you want to play the game now? Yeah.
You know what? Why don't we just do this topic up? So give the people what they want. All right. So, yeah, we're going to go off the rails here.
Fuck this whole chronological order. Shit. Here's just a bunch of random selections. Paris is going to pick a number between one and three hundred ninety eight, which is the amount of pages in this book. And I'm going to read that page.
All right. You know what? Let's go off. Oh, I set a number that was beyond three ninety eight. That would have been dumb. Let's read. That's what's on page sixty nine. All right, the phone numbers sorry, I just had to be stupid for a second or for several hours.
She looked once more at the flowers, the trees and the blooming hedges in the garden and again at the old neckless that Melanie had given her. And then she returned to her chamber as the twilight sky turned dim, the dinner and food had already been cleared off the table and everybody had begun to go to their rooms. But Crem Hilda was hungry and quickly ate some leftovers in the kitchen of the palace. On her way back to the chamber, she ran to Brunhilde, who mocked her with the words, Hello, Miss Beautiful.
Couldn't you make it in time to the dinner table? Sorry that you had to eat our cold leftovers in the kitchen.
I hope that you will sleep well and tomorrow you might have a better day than today. Compelled to look pitiful at her sister and answered with a sad smile on her face.
Certainly tomorrow I'll have a better day than today. Good night. And don't forget I am your sister. I love you. And let me tell you one more thing. I want to live in peace with you. Give me a hug and a kiss. And let's forget about the fights in the past between when Hilda looked astonished at her sister and and asked surprised peace. A hug and a kiss from you. Hmm. What's up with you? But.
Oh, well, why not? You're my family. Princess from Hilda stepped forward, hugged and kissed her sister on the cheek and said, Good night and may the gods be with you. Queen Brunhilde did not like the words of her sister because deep inside she felt that this situation sounded like some kind of farewell. But it was late and she was tired. And when she answered, Good then see you tomorrow morning for breakfast and then we'll talk.
All right. Could you read the midway point? So page one ninety nine, please.
One ninety nine. OK, what nobody saw except King Joey was that the magician unleashed a little leather bag from his belt and poured some purple powder into the palm of his left hand. Look, this magical powder in the palm of my hand is the most famous live elixir, the fountain of youth that makes every woman younger and more beautiful. Queen Dido, you are the Empress, the Queen Mother. Let me show you first how this elixir works. You will see most of your wrinkles will magically disappear.
But please look directly at the palm of my head and don't blink your eyes. Queen Dido, Queen Miranda and Princess Addo. We're still laughing, smiling and looked with great anticipation at the purple powder from the foreign merchant just at the moment. When the merchant inhaled deeply, Joey jumped forward and tackled Queen Diana to the marble floor. Two of the three senators behind the queen opened their mouths in shock, and the purple dust are directly into their naked eyes.
The third senator, standing just a little too far away from the action, was not intoxicated.
Chaos erupted while the two senators were shrinking and shrinking to the size of a mouse. Princess Adele shrieked, and so did her mother, Queen Miranda. Maya grabbed the two many senators and put them on one of the glass lanterns. The cleaner was shocked and looked totally puzzled at the two shrieking senators in front of his eyes.
Well, OK, um, do we want to just do a few more later?
Yeah, you know, we'll just that'll happen a couple of times throughout the that. Great. So, you know, the looked pitiful part.
There was just like a weird tensing of the that word is a good example. And like, you know, many senators shrinking all of a sudden batshit stuff's happening all the time like that in this book.
Yeah. There's like a right to be speaking about stuff right at the beginning. There's a line that says celebratory dwarf's materialized out of nowhere. And I was like, what does that even mean?
I was Kickapoo Alien coming back to like his palace for a minute. And yes, dwarves just materialized out of thin air to dance and celebrate. And that's that's all. Sure. I don't know where they're waiting all day. Like, do they like to work? Well, I don't know what they're like at home. And now they're in the water park. You used to believe the beeper goes off and look up.
Hold on. Got to celebrate and they blink out and back it.
Honestly, not the worst job approval. Hey, I'm on call party dwarf. Yeah, that's I mean, an on call party celebrator is pretty cool. Whenever the text mentions the people of the Seven Kingdoms, I think we're in a song of ice and fire and it fucking hurts. OK, it hurts me.
That's true. As long as fighting fires hurt us in so many ways. But also Paris. Can you name the Seven Kingdoms of Macedonia? Macedonia Gorgonio Kawthar go. Does the underworld count? No, hang on, hang on a. Terribile, yeah, I guess, OK, 004, that's way better than I thought I would I would totally forget Joey's place.
What are the other three? Oh, tyranny. Tyranny of five. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm almost there. Five.
OK, what's the six? Six and seven I can. Oh, the Queen Arcaro Marysia. The Mermaid Kingdom. Right. That's one of them. I don't remember. What the fuck.
I don't know if that counts. I think that's in Terribile.
Oh a tomalis the evil. Yeah, continent or yeah, and I don't know, shit, what are the other two I know one more land of fuck. You want to know the sixth one that I know. Yeah. Yeah. What is it? Punt. Punt, but if you keep the kid oh, no, I do not remember the kingdom of pumpkin. What are the seven characters that they must do is only mentioned of the place they have to get to to unite and never again.
All right. What is the seventh one then?
I don't remember a map. Chris, check the map. A map doesn't even have a punt on it. Paris only has five. No way, it's the way I have a map to the map has merit, donia, tyranny, terror, Terribile, Gorgonio, Arcadio maybe.
Oh no, no, no Slinker font size is in no way helpful. I know what you're trying to do. Para's font size is in no way helpful in determining what the other kingdoms are. One of the coastland.
No. No. What about. Lucasville, that's a city that's the werewolf's out you get it because it must be Arkadia. Right.
OK, so we've got guys, but OK, as a city, I think much like avalanches, which has a completely different font size and type.
Oh yeah, it is definitely one of them kingdoms do or I want to see if I don't see anywhere.
It's nowhere. It doesn't exist. But it's mentioned as a kingdom. I double checked it myself. Well, it must be past the pass at the top of their oh clearly, yeah. Like I'm trying to figure out how this map is. I was divided, it's not fair, you try. We're trying to apply a logic, we're only like, I don't know, I'm going to say it's the mermaid kingdom. Not a city in Lake Lagoon inside of Macedonia.
So it's a what do you call those? What do you want? No fuck like.
A nation that is surrounded entirely by another nation like Lesotho and, you know, mean obviously like every almost every native nation in the North in North America, like an independent nation surrounded entirely by another independent nation, Lesotho is only walking.
I don't know. Oh, fuck. I can't remember. I'm almost there. I'm almost there. I almost got it. Fuck, fuck. Now I can't remember. Right.
Paris, we got so much to cover here. I don't care.
This is going to be like four hours long and you're all like it. No, stop.
I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little silly today. OK? All right. Yes, this is a landlocked country state locked is what I said, actually. OK, anyway.
All right, anyway, let's continue. You know, that's the plot they got. They got to go to Kawthar go a Polyana Pluton are plotting all the time in the back. They don't really do anything they like. Send the rockets a couple of times and that's about it.
That's really it.
There's also like Guya Krall's like dealings with them also, but that's like kind of a back like the evil empire doesn't really directly do much besides send rockings a couple of times and also have a couple of hits like black ops agents, I guess act against my injury. Yeah.
So there's this there's a subplot of romances for Maya and Joey. And so the first one we encounter is crumpled, held up, being in love with Joey.
Like Chris mentioned earlier, she and Brunhilde have these like, very unrealistic squabbles for, I don't know, four sisters who are I guess they're 16 and 18, but like just the way they're written, it's just not how people talk. And there's this maidservant, I think. Hmm. Melanie, thank you. So Melanie is like from Hilda's.
I know she's taking care of her whole life. So sort of like her guardian, non parental guardian and compelled is obviously distraught that she hasn't seen Joey in a long time because they only ever saw each other at a at a ball like the like the coronation ceremony for King Joey to become king.
Why would you like me to read a segment of Brunhilde and Crem Hilda arguing?
Sure, please, please grace us with this. What's wrong, what happened from Hildur, one of the two maidservants chanted their golden dresses flickered in the candlelight and made their dark skin glow. Hush hush, dear child, everything is well known, he muttered, No, everything is not. Well, just at this moment from Hilda, much through the door. What's going on here? Queen Brunhilde folded her arms and looked with a fierce face toward Melody and the two maidservants who quickly bowed down and exited the room.
Aha. I see mood swings again.
One of your ridiculous mood swings. Maybe you're not happy with your life here in this palace because you are depressed again.
But why do you hear me?
I asked you why you have everything any girl could ask for. Do you have any idea how many girls or young women would give anything for what you have? Kormilda looked with wide open eyes at her sister and turned fiercely. She yelled, I don't have everything. Nobody loves me and I am sad and lonely every day. I have no one to comfort me. My parents are long gone. First, my uncle Hans Eric died. Then our mother and our father.
King thought I only have you and you boss me around all the time. When you get real mad, you even lose control over yourself, me losing my control. Ha. Excuse me, please, Miss Beautiful. I'm not the one with the big attitude problem here.
That's you know, there's there's a bit of a I could go on. Yeah, OK. Yeah, it's just not written well.
So after she has this argument, she goes to the garden to cry because that's what she does. She goes to cry in her garden, all the Garden of Tears garden.
It tears you up. I mean, hey man, I love gardens too. But like you should, you know, you should.
It's garden expansive garden for crying in that community uses.
And when someone melody comes in like comfort her, she was like, how did you find me in this garden? And Melody is just like it's a it's a big garden around the castle. Yeah.
I mean, I just think that people should use their gardens for both joy and sadness, like, sure, they're great anyway. So Melanie's trying to be helpful and she's like, you know what, I know what it's like to be in love. I'm going to help you get out of here and go visit Joey, because I guess Brunhilde didn't want her to leave for some reason. I still have no idea why, because she didn't like Joey.
She thinks Joey is a player because he went with Queen Akwa Marysia.
No, that wasn't Queen Marysia you fucked. It was another mermaid.
I don't think he actually did anything. He was just charmed by another mermaid. Yeah. Was like that. He's a player. He'll break your heart just like all men do.
Well, which is obviously the whole inspiration for the secret of Moon Lake. Was Joey's interaction with that mermaid. Sure. Because she, like, took him to some cave and he almost died of exposure or something. That's like all I vaguely remember.
He was also about to turn into a mermaid. But there's the threat. Yeah, you turn into a mermaid. That's right. Right. And she was much older than him and it was predatory.
And that's why Brunhilde doesn't like Jody. Yeah.
She's like you chose he chose a sketchy mermaid over you. That guy doesn't need your time of day. So I'm like kind of on board with that. I like honesty. Yeah, I know. I read something with a non-human bottom part.
So, you know, I mean, I go discriminate against mermaids.
Chris, you know, I just watched the White House for the second time last night, and I don't want to talk about mermaids. No spoilers for the lighthouse. Oh, OK. I should probably say that before I say anything. Anyway, Melanie's like, hey, man, I know what it's like to be in love and not be able to see the person you love. It really sucks to tell that story paradise.
What about being in love with someone that you can't see right now? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was like, wow, we're getting that personal look. No, no, no.
I mean, the the part about her boyfriend who died.
Yeah, that's what I was getting to. You interrupted me by reminding me to see the thing I was it was a setup or it was cute, OK.
Anyway, well, he's like, yeah, man, I totally get you. I once dated a guy who was I was in love with this man who had to go off to war. You know, he went to war and as you know, and he wrote me a love letter with his own blood as he was dying from the very wound. He took the blood from on the fucking battlefield as she pulled it out of her goddamn dress. And it's like shit.
And it's like re they try to re imagine it in the text and it's just like a different font. It's really weird. But like, how are you going to write a letter with blood from a wound that you're dying from. Like who has that kind of time. The story was he got sent ahead as a scout because like I think it was like Melanie's parents or something.
Didn't like that she was in love with soldiers.
So they like they like went to the general that was in charge of his name's Kevin, by the way, went to the general in charge of having to like, hey, send him out on a suicide scout mission so that he will die and he won't be a problem for us anymore and do like.
All right. Word. And then Kevin does it. And after he shot by an arrow while he's out on his suicidal scout mission, he's like, oh, I know what I got to do. I got to take this blood and write a letter to my girlfriend back home. Hi. Hello, Melanie. I love you very much. It's so cold. I'm dying. But I love you, Melody.
I just don't understand how you would have the the will or the dexterity to utilize blood from a wound that was killing you to write a letter like. So I guess I guess it's plausible that he was walking around with paper and writing implement, but why would he use his own blood?
Why wouldn't he just use the ink that he just had the paper he just had the paper.
But how did he use the blood? Did he have a quill that he filled with his own blood? Because, like, that's kind of cool, I guess.
Good. The Rattus death love note ever since, like the Marquis de Sade fucking writing with his own blood and shit, I messed up.
I got to dip it back into my blood again. Oh, OK. Scratch that.
God, man, can I get by any two episodes without mentioning the Marquis de Sade? Goddammit. Sorry, everyone. I'm sorry. All right.
So, yeah, that's the lesson that Melanie gives Kormilda and she's like, hey, I'll help you out here. I'll I'll help you escape on our Griffins. I've got two friends that are very loyal to me. They'll take us away from here and away from the oversight of your sister, Brunhilde. Yep.
And she's like, yo, also take these two maids, Jojo and Juliet or whatever the fuck the name Jojo.
Just trabajo. You just have to take. Yeah. Take Jooste, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene.
I wonder if I figured out the other two Colma sisters that I picked them up. That was Isaza.
And Tanika, by the way, don't worry about who the Coleman sisters are. They don't fucking matter at all. They there's something about a book called The Necromantic, which is just the Necronomicon. It's literally like they mention it at the top of this thing. And I was like, oh, they're going to be like looking for that. And no, it doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't ever come up again.
So don't worry about that ever. That's why I didn't know. Remember what their names were. Oh.
Oh man. Yeah. Anyway, she's like, hey, take your take your two maid service or lady in waiting or whatever, go see Joey, you know, peace. And so they, they go, they try to get there, something goes wrong and they end up the Griffins end up getting into like a I forget what happens. They guy frustration with our car fills up and I don't really know.
I don't really understand though, like if they can fly, why would they get into an altercation with pirates anyway?
Because they were going they were going over the sea. And so you remember that scene in Game of Thrones where, oh, no, no, you're out. No, no. It's just such a stupid fucking scene. But it's fine. Gosh, what happened?
That's that's what happened here. Is that they were flying over the pirate ships and they erode the Griffins to death. Oh, yeah, OK. I don't know if they died, but yeah, they definitely hit them hard enough that they dropped Hilda. And so she gets dropped into the ocean, rescued by the pirate ship.
But obviously, like captain, like enslaved essentially, or they're like, oh, good slaves for selling and well, it's only her the the maids and waiting get away. Yeah it's. Yeah. So anyway, so she gets kidnapped by the pirate guy. Remember Nick Krul, the pirate. He's there, it takes her and there's this weird interaction where he's like, I don't know where they're like, oh it must just be a serving girl. And someone's like, oh she's too pretty to be a serving girl.
And I was like, What? Well, since when does what does someone's beauty have anything to do with their station in life?
That doesn't make any sense.
There's like so many people are like, no, there's no way she could be and there's no way she has to be someone important.
But they don't even really think she's that important because later on she gets sold to Pluton and Pluton, like knows that or Kraul doesn't know that she's a princess from Hildur. Right.
Because he only gives him like five hundred ducats ducats.
I going to say that word ducats, but I think they call it something else in this book. I don't remember anyhow.
So like Pluton is like, oh, he doesn't even know who she is. So this scene is largely pointless where you left it like, oh, they just didn't know who she was. They didn't have to argue about this.
So there's so there's that happening. And then meanwhile, Maya and Joey are trying to recruit Calzado to, you know, as an as an ally in the war against the bad guys. So they go to Kawthar Go, which is definitely Soulsby Carthage and they talk about how they have Denault Fance.
And there are definitely there were elephants, but they're dinosaur elephants, and so, you know, let's let's welcome ourselves back to Paris, gets hung up on a small detail and does a bunch of math about it because she's Catholic. Welcome back to the segment on the show.
This is so excited. I'm Elephant Man.
You might you might remember a lake Lagoona in our arguments about lightning and thunder.
You might know me from previous petty arguments like actually, I think this one is this one is not petty. I feel like this makes sense. So they go to I'll and they're like, oh, we got we're elephants. Oh. Also, before we get to the math, they say they explicitly say, like Prince Rasmus is showing them around.
And he says, oh yeah, if the elephants become afraid in battle, we just fucking murder them with like a hammer and spike into the Brown case, like they get afraid, turn around and like, murder our own.
Oh, my God. I was like, OK, hang on. I guess I'm going to go start my own Dynel Fat ecoterrorist group because, like, fuck this shit. So that's just a sentence that happens and you're just horrified, like, wow, that's fucked. It's supposed to be a cool thing. Yeah.
It's supposed to be cool to just murder your fucking I mean, don't get me wrong, like the war elephants in real Carthage weren't treated very well. They were often like stabbed in the legs and and they, you know, would basically do things to make them. Extremely aggressive and like work them into a frenzy, so, you know, it's not like they were perfect. And plus when, you know, Hannibal had his famous famous campaign against the Romans, would tried to bring a bunch of elephants over the fucking mountains.
They did have to kill a lot of them because they just couldn't go on, like they just eat too much.
Which brings me to my point. So they're like, oh, yeah, we got a bunch of these Dynel fans. In fact, we've got two thousand Dinho fans.
Do you know how much of a strain that is on the food system and budget of a community like how? Of a kingdom, even two thousand, I mean, like the you know, the like Hannibal's army, I think they had, what, like 60 they had 60 world around. So, you know, that's the one that I think I think it was something like 60 war elephants in Hannibal's army.
And that was an extreme amount of elephant to feed and water and keep alive. And they're like, oh, no, we got 2000. OK, all right, fine, let's play I'll fucking play your game, all right, so let's assume. And I actually think it's generous to assume that Dynel is like a regular Asian or African elephant. Of course, Asian and African elephants are different, but in general, elephants as a whole can eat anywhere from 200 to 600 pounds of food a day and drink 50 gallons of water.
So even if we're talking on the small island, like say let's say these Dynel fans are like smaller Asian elephants. And again, I'm saying that I'm being generous because a Dynel sounds like it might actually be even larger than an African elephant elephant because of the way they talk about them in the book and because they're supposed to be big and like scaly. So anyway, at a conservative estimate, we've got 400000 pounds of food at a minimum and 100000 gallons of water each day.
There's a lot of water. Maybe that's where they get the water park, right, and like on the upper end. So you're looking at 400000 pounds to one million two hundred thousand pounds of food a day. A day, people a day. Where are you getting all this food? How are you feeding these dyno fans 100000 gallons of water a day for two thousand? If it's also where are you keeping 2000 dino fans like elephants need tons of space?
I can't imagine that Dynel fans would need less space. Like, I just. Oh, it's just one of those things where it's like, yeah, it's a fantasy world. Sure. You can have things that are not real, but can you just take a second to at least make it consistent, you know, or at least explain why maybe the Dynel fans aren't a crushing weight on the ecosystem of your cain't, you know, the down fence that they murder when they're scared?
Yeah, that's the food. Well, no elephants eat leaves, Chris. Not these ones, maybe, maybe not. Maybe Dynel fans. Yeah, maybe it's just this horrible Ouroboros cannibal system that they have where they see the dynamics of blood to see, you know what? You know, I'm wrong. I'm wrong. Fuck me.
Let me live the law of blood. That's that's what because. Hey, can you tell me at any other point where the law of blood comes up in this book besides that one part at the beginning?
No. OK, so there I solved it. I've done it. Thank you.
All right. So moving on. So the diaphragm thing is bullshit. All right. The prince Rasmus has a crush on Miah, and even though Meyer has a fiancee back home, I want to say there, are they engaged or maybe they're just I don't think they even did anything, to be honest with her.
It's her boyfriend at the very least. At the very least. Like, you know, they are understood to be a couple of some kind.
Yeah. And the second Prince Rasmus expresses any interest in her is like, oh yeah.
But maybe though I like what OK, her big struggle is, oh, I have to choose between two dudes. Which I don't know was twilit out around this point or something, it's just like getting that flavor in there. I also has a passage where she can't she's like talking about how hot she looks on a dress and she's like, yeah, no wonder he can't stop, like, liking me or whatever.
It so that's weird how special Maya is at the same time.
Well, Prince Rasmus, by the way, don't love that.
I have a very close last name to that is is trying to woo her. She's also getting telepathic messages from the fifth dimension. Yeah, Gentian, listen, so Maya was I mean, Gloria was sitting down to write this and she was like, oh, no, if they're away from their kingdoms, I can't just rely on them using their tan caps and turning invisible and like, just standing next to, like, traitors all the time. So how am I going to get information from Maradona's to Carfagno or anything like that?
A carrier pigeon.
Now she's going to get telepathic messages from master dominating and libertine the ferry that has helped her before, because also telepathy is the fifth dimension because reasons and also it's basically a total new lifestyle is how it's put in the book.
Once you're telepathic, it's just your whole lifestyle changes.
I'm just imagining like one of those like 80s or 90s, you know, like like a shitty like those dating voices, you know, you get. But it's like totally new lifestyle, the fifth dimension.
And there's a bunch of like pastel triangles everywhere and like bad music mentioned telepathy helps you orient your life in the best path for you because you're always getting secret messages from an advisor that knows exactly what's going on from the people that are trying to kill you.
Would you like to never make a mistake again? Welcome to the Fifth Dimension. It's so easy.
Just have a telepathic link with everyone that you decide to have a telepathic, because honestly, there's no reasoning for why she has a telepathic link with who. Yeah, I don't remember.
I mean, I know that that happened like initially happened in the last book, I think, but I don't remember exactly why.
And honestly, it's kind of there's three people that she has a telepathic link with and we'll get to the third one way later, which is its own fun thing.
Oh, I don't I don't remember that. But OK, you remember the immortal man Paris. Oh, yeah.
OK, we'll talk about it later. But there's just like a bunch of weird little things. They talk about the war harbor and I'm like, do you just mean is there a separate military port? Like, I don't understand why they had to say.
I think Merchant Harbor, which is a completely different harbor. I mean, you probably want to separate your boom boom boats and your bring money boats.
Well, yeah, but war harbor like military port, right? I don't know. War Harbor seemed weird to me, but maybe that's just me.
And then all of a sudden, in addition to the like third, fourth or fifth dimension shit, all of a sudden prophetic dreams are a thing in this universe. And I don't remember ever having established that dreams are prophetic in this universe.
They're definitely I mean, the dream comes from Queen Dido, also the the to name the Queen. She has this dream about two senators are speaking with a man in a purple cloak and plotting against the royal family because there's like a Senate and a royal family here, I guess.
And the whole thing is, is that Joey needs the Senate to agree to ally with Macedonia and the queen has the queen's on board, but the Senate isn't. And there's two traitors in the Senate that the queen sees through her prophetic dream. So they just go to the Senate. They're like, oh, yeah, two of your traitors.
No, no, no, no. You're missing my point about the dreams. Oh, sorry. So the Queen's like maybe Maya knows how to interpret my dream. I was like, oh, yeah, I totally know how to interpret dreams. Then she's like, I should actually I a phone. A friend. Hey, Dubbin Audio. What the fuck is this dream. Me. I don't know why. Everyone is like, oh surely Maya and Joey will know what this dream means.
And they're like, yeah we got to call Donadio on the on the telepathic highway.
Also turns out the dream just means that you're being plotted against. Oh yeah.
There wasn't anything. Cryptic, it was literally the exact words like, hey, two people are plotting against you with a third party, and so I don't know why that dream needed to be interpreted.
You know, just in case. But I also just don't I just also don't get why they think that the dream means anything.
Even the Senate is like, guys, it's just a dream we can't make like Hefti political. It seems like a political play.
Oh, I don't I don't think that that happened. I know they did that. All of this honestly does tell Joey, like, hey, we can't base this off of just a dream.
Oh, it seems like they literally say this seems like a political trick of some kind. Oh, OK.
I don't remember that, but I'll take your word for it. There's a lot of shit in this book to remember.
And my my favorite question is. Why would you tell the group of people that you suspect to have traitors in it that, you know, there's a traitor, they're traitors, and it like, wouldn't you want to secretly root them out rather than just be like, hey, I know two of your traitors like them, they're just going to get away and maybe accelerate their plot. I don't know why you wouldn't.
That's just how you sow discord.
Let's like what the evil people do when there's a traitor, just like for you also, like, they're like, hey, everyone in the in the city of Carthage will be on the lookout for a man in a purple cloak and a velvet crown, because that's what the queen song her dream.
So if it's going out to everyone in town, wouldn't the guy just be like, oh, I'll change my cloak and crown? They'll never find me now.
They don't offer any physical description, just the clothes he was wearing in the dream. Yes. So don't go out wearing a purple cloak in Carfagno.
Yep. They'll they'll try you for treason. And there's a another minor weird note where they're talking about. Brauns, they're talking about how they need I forget what the bronze no is, I just was like, wait but bronze is the tin alloy and tin o makes only one is only like one eighth of the formula and I was like the other seven eighths are copper.
So like just Carthage have copper deposits. They apparently have Fuxin a silver because they're I don't know, they were talking about some of the importance of bronze. Now I probably should have written more about that. No, but I was I basically was annoyed that they were trying to say that. All they needed to make bronze was ten, and I was like, no, that's not true. You mostly need copper and is only a very small part of it.
Why would you get this very basic thing wrong anyway? But maybe I'm crazy anyway.
I don't know. I'm not I'm not a metallurgist, not a metal Smith. Fuck do I know. I did write metal though.
Oh yeah. Queen Dido slash Princess Elyssa because you need to be both a queen and princess and have two vastly different names for no reason. She repeats herself a lot and I still don't. Yeah, I don't understand why.
Two names because she was Princess Alissa in the other country and then she married. Yeah.
And her brother took over that country and she like gave him that part and she took over because he is the king of a fear. Right.
We determined that Maya Maya Seduction by Prince Rasmus is complete because you showed her some dinner fans and then wind blew his hair around. Yeah. And that was enough to tip the scales for her to forget her, her boyfriend back home, her like sick general boyfriend or whatever. And there's also this. Yeah. Like and then I make a note that there's this scene shortly after where sweaty muscle man make me forget boyfriend. I guess it's fine if they go is a great description of the like five pages of that scene.
Yes. This is like working out and Maya walks up and is like sees him and gets all excited and then he like pushes her up against a wall and makes out with her and she's like, oh, this is kind of fine though.
Yeah, I'm sure of that. She's totally into it.
I'm just like, I mean, you know, whatever like I don't I don't think she's she never really feels like a bad person about this, by the way.
She's just like, oh, I have the problem. I'm in love with two men.
Well, and I guess I guess obviously I don't have any problem with a text like depicting something like this. That's fine. I'm just my shock about it comes from the fact that the tushes are super Christian and are very much like, you know, they don't want any, I don't know, sexy. What am I trying to say?
What are you trying to say? Paris?
I'm really surprised that they would include something like this in their book because it seems like they want my Gloria to be the perfect Christian daughter, you know? So it's surprising to me that they were like that. They included something like that.
I actually switched over from thinking that Maya was the self insert you from Hilda was the self insert. That doesn't make any sense, Chris. Yeah, true. But all of a sudden, Delta is the very nice one. Oh yeah. That is perfect. It is.
It is weird though that yeah.
Like I said, I'm just really surprised that she is the one who said to Joey those who let me through it.
So you know once again that our theories about that before. But yeah, I was I was just really surprised that yeah. The tushies would be like, oh, we're going to include some infidelity, but I don't know, maybe to them it's like they're not married, so it doesn't matter. I don't know. Anyway, that was a dumb point. Anyway, there's this. Oh, I said cheating on your spouse for the good of the empire.
Classic fantasy move because that's basically how Maya thinks about it. She's like, well, if I can get it, if I like him and then that helps us retain our our our, you know, our ally ship with them or whatever. Then I was like, yeah, I guess that's a pretty normal fantasy thing to include.
But anyway, Chris, you had a great note here.
Yeah. There's a moment where, like Joey and Maya about to, like, go out on excursion. It's not the house of the dead one. That's later.
It's just some other thing that they were that they were going to go out and do. And Joey, who is the king of a nation, a dragon rider, is still like annoyingly tapping his foot in the front hall of the castle. Go Castle, I guess, and going like, oh, I gave my a twenty minutes for her girls time. And then when he gets all upset at her for like making out with Prince Rasmus, he's like, I see you with your kissy kissy time.
Yeah. I don't think, I don't think the eighteen year old boy would say that it's the figure.
But like so much of this book, like you're trying to accept Joey is like this or in my eyes like these warrior monarchs.
Right. But I still picture them in like backwards baseball cap. They still have backpacks they put on, they have like cloaks, they're put their backpacks over the cloak.
Is this real cacophonous tone, Milosh, where it's like a morning warrior queen, on the other hand, like nineties skater kid that from like middle school.
I just I said cacophonous tone Malone, just like but my favorite thing that you've said in like weeks, that's the only way I can describe it.
It's like I'm imagining like Joey in like full scale armor in a cloak, but also has like a backwards baseball cap and like a GM sport on.
Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Oh, and then there's there's this other point before we before we move on to the horse, there's a lot when they're when they're talking of they're trying to get Carfagno, you know, to ally with them officially, you know, like sign of a treaty, basically.
And I was like, hey, maybe the kingdom should have just decided this together, like about who is going to head the military command because Joey's like, oh, I don't know, we're trying to be we're trying to be allies and stuff. But like, I think I'm just going to be in charge of the military. And he just gets in front of the Senate and is like, yo, I'm in charge. Your military now. It's like, what, you're some foreign king and you're going to come into the Senate and be like, yeah, I'm in charge.
I'm in charge now.
It's cool. Yeah.
A foreign king who's 18 with a backwards baseball cap now. Yeah, he's skateboarded in here and called me a dweeb and spit at it.
Just it just seemed like a very weird way to navigate that politically.
They might enjoy it exactly. You know, subtle when it comes to their machinations.
So by this point in the book, I think, what are we halfway through? Almost half, almost half way through? And I'm losing my mind because the other shitty thing about this book is not only its content, but the fact that the book itself smelled heavily of cigarette smoke, like stale cigarette smoke. So every time I read it, it was bothering me.
I hate the smell of stale cigarette smoke or or like weed smoke or anything like that. Oh, those are two distinct smells, but I don't like either of them. And like they just, I don't know, old smoke smell just makes me. Oh God, I don't get them as much.
Honestly, I wasn't as bad for me. Maybe I like used to smoke smells or something.
Yeah I think you are Chris. You smoke a lot of weed. My dude. I'm sure that cigarette smoke doesn't bother you.
It was ok. All right. You're going to be sorry about that. No. OK, that's fine. You can pet that if you want to. But so I'm approaching the halfway point. I'm like, all right, only a little longer I can do this. And I'm like, oh, fuck, this fucking book smells so bad. And it's not like you can avoid it because when you're reading, it's not like you can hold it really far away from you, like I can assure me.
Yeah. Yeah. I don't like we both. I mean obviously Chris's vision is much worse than mine, but like yeah I have to also read it like a normal distance. And so it was just I had to take so many breaks because of the smell, I would have finished it like days earlier if it were not for the smell of this.
I had to take so many breaks because I just like every fucking page. It wasn't the smell. It was just like in there the words I kept wanting to like.
I'd rather be doing anything else right now. And I don't normally don't even get that bad when I'm reading other terrible books. But this one I thought would be quick. Like the font is big. It's not that many pages for like a big old fantasy thing. And like every five pages I was like I could I could just go have a snack instead.
At one point I was like, I could take a nap and I almost did.
I have more fortitude, I guess. But I'm really glad that you fought through that. You fought through those snacks and those naps and you got through.
But so anyway, so I'm kind of like in a I'm a little I'm kind of deranged at this point in the reading is my point, you know, and I've taken so many notes and I'm like, fuck this book. I'm so fucking tired of this shit. I can't wait until we never have to read these again. And I don't know this a moment where Prince Rasmus is like, hey, man.
Oh, actually, Chris, do you want to do your note for he's like, Hey, Maya, let me introduce you to my best friend. Close your eyes. And I was like, fully ready for it to, like, turn good kind. And he I would open her eyes and he just have his dick out and be like that.
But no, he's instead going to show Maya his horse, his immortal horse, his best horse friend, best a moral horse friend.
And this horse goes by the name Speedy Galvin or Cisco. And so for some reason, my mind was like, oh, Cisco. I remember that song from when I was a kid and I just rewrote, like, two parts of it about the horse, OK, because I was all right, fine. I don't think I can perform it truthfully, but maybe later, I don't think I can perform like Cisco. But just so you know, they're there in there are rewritten lyrics to the Thong Song about this horse.
I just read it. What I might die, that may be so scandalous and, you know, another country can't handle it. So you're shaking that tail like who's so fine with a look in your eyes that's so equine. May you like to prance in the rolling fields and you get up to the palace, get your meals, not just wheels. He also feels because you living in Macedonia.
I think I looked at the floor at the other. Thank you very much, Chris. I think I really messed up the meter at the end there. Oh, yeah, you did great. Just put that. Can't wait until you put an imitation Thong Song track mind. That's going to be amazing.
Oh, well, anyway, that happens. I laughed about that for like an entire day. I think they've got an immortal speed horse like Shadowfax, but better because it can fly also. It does even matter. They just go to like a field full of strawberries for a minute and then they come back. Oh, and then the horse is never mentioned again.
Yeah. Yeah. Never, ever again. He was just there to kind of help you get your dick wet I guess. I mean, not that not that Mayan.
No, they just had strawberries in field.
But like this is the point where this is like the point where I was like, oh, I think I really like him because he really does magic worse than strawberries.
And then I have a Barbie fantasy of what a boyfriend is. Dude, I know.
Yeah, it really does well. And it's like it's not even good. It's really good. Weight bears.
You wouldn't like to fly on a horse and go to a field full of strawberries with your boyfriend. I don't know. I mean, it's like like you're actually against it though. No, I mean. We like to ride some horses with my boyfriend because, you know, fucking nerds, but more so what's the problem?
Let me I have a strawberry mortal horsfield, Foud. It doesn't seem genuine, Chris, with it. Just try to fuck her, I don't trust those Strawbery, they don't trust the fucking horse anyway.
Moving on from the horse thing now.
Oh, hey, remember that purple velvet crown guy? He's the cleaner sent by the evil empire with a magic purple powder that shrinks people down to my size and but only only if he gets into both your eyes at exactly the same time.
Remember that passage I read before? Hey, you know, I made a note about how this item is worse than something created by the fantasy item generator. Let's find out.
Yeah, you did. You just that you basically just said that. No, no, I'm saying let's find out. I'm all right. I'm Jennifer.
Yeah. This is especially weak because like a pair of goggles or one eye patch would immediately render it completely useless.
Or if he's even like when he's about to blow the powder in the Queensland, he's like, OK, don't blink.
He's he's got to like, really, he has to set all of this up. So much for this to work anyway. Basically, the guy, the the cleaner here is like the senators just stand behind the queen so she can't move to the left or right. And then I will blow the patent office and she'll shrink down. And then we will have taken over the country because I can put the queen in a glass lantern or something.
Yeah. And also, like, why was that? Like, we've never heard of this evil magician before. Why there's no scene. There's no yeah. And there's no scene setting it up.
We're like the evil guys hire him or you just like blow poison dust in her face and said, well you don't have to worry about like, oh, keep both your eyes open and don't move to the left or right. Also, I have to have two traitor's senators behind her to ensure that she doesn't move left or right or blink her eyes.
Yeah. So, all right. Here's one. All right. Fantasy item generator. This is spring whole dot net. That's a weird name. Magical, quirky item. Make her to it's a rope made of silk. It's studded with animal teeth and looks somehow familiar. It was made by a pirate and its previous owner began having hallucinations shortly after acquiring it. Yeah, that's fine, yeah, that's fine. We think this would be funny, Paris, so we just get like a bunch of random items.
No, I just wanted to prove that a random generator could be better than this thing they came up with. Yeah. Like the fact that you have to get the powder in someone's both of someone's eyes simultaneously doesn't I get I get having to give someone the right dose. Right. Like enough of the thing. Yes. But why. Just like both eyes. Both eyes. And why would that make someone shrink. What if someone has one eye. Oh, my God.
Immune. Immunity for me, a bitch. I got one, I, I can't I don't have the proper depth perception to appreciate being small.
Oh, here we go. Here's another one. It's a belt made of crystal. It's a strange design. It looks very fragile. It's used for controlling fire.
You're just giving me, like, magic items. I'm going to give the daddy party. I don't know. That's great. But yeah, anyway, I just think that. Yeah, just so low effort, which is how I feel about all of this, all of the things that have done the series after Joey tackles the queen to the side.
Because, by the way, this was a plan, by the way. Oh, no, we didn't even get to that point where we're about to get to that point, because here's what happens.
Maya and Joey go to the house of the undead, which houses the city of the undead, which is old or something. Oh, but we can't decide if the dead are undead because there's a little. Those terms are used interchangeably, but then they try to define the fact they're different. But then they apparently forget a few sentences later.
Anyway, my own show, we go to the house, the undead, because the little princess of Carthage, Goodell, Adele, baby Adele.
Yeah, baby Adele is like, oh, I want to go check out that House of the Dead. Can I go, brother? And he's like now and then there's like some kind of disagreement I have as an only Maya and Joey end up going for.
I don't even remember why they decide to go Paris.
Well well, they went because the the the meeting of the traitors supposedly happened near their right where they thought the traders were going to meet there.
They didn't have that information. Paris, I thought they they did not have that.
That's that's my whole issue with this, is they go there for some reason and then the traitor meeting happens to be their.
The whole thing that they're worried about when they're going there, they're not worried about being caught by anyone, they're worried that, oh, if we pass bodily into the world of the dead, we can't come back out. There's like a myth or something that's like people that go into the city of the undead, they come back out and find that they're not human anymore and they have to go back to the city of the undead because that's where they belong, not because they're undead.
But yet the underworld, they're saying the underworld is all on dead people rather than actually dead. And I was like, wait, weren't you all in the underworld? Haven't you been there? Wouldn't apply to you.
The city of the undead is it's got different rules.
I think Paris fuck me. That's the only exception.
Anyway, so, again, I don't know why they go into the house other than they were like, oh, I don't want to go here. She thought it was cool. I guess we should go and let her leave her behind.
And then the evil meeting is happening there and that's how they find out about the plot to shrink the queen with the purple powder, with the cleaner, and then they go to bed and don't tell anyone about it.
Oh, that's hilarious.
Yeah, they they just they they go home and they're like, I'll just go to sleep. I'm sure we could wake up in time and then they oversleep instead.
And Joey can tackle the queen away just in time. Like fucking guys maybe. Think about it. Tell someone the guard to let you into the castle when you got back. Maybe.
Maybe. Yeah, yeah, I don't think the queen and let her know that she's going to be poisoned soon. No, you know what, we're just too tired, too tired to save the kingdom, sorry, guys, too sleepy. Anyway, they say if the queen and Joey nukes, people with do you read the you read the scene where that happened, I believe yeah.
They saved her, where they saved her.
But then immediately after the some of the senators are in the cleaner are running away and Joey just points Defendor at them and just integrates them with like a small like not a nuclear level explosion that like levels of tower.
It just it blows a hole in the 40 foot wall, but then also just disintegrates people into a pile of ash does not.
So I don't understand how Defendor works.
Oh, you know, and don't you love how and are just like judge, jury and executioner? Sure. Yeah. So yeah. Then then they immediately engage in a cover up because Princess Adell sees sees this happen and sees them just nuke these this guy. I think it was just one, it was just one guy. Right.
No, it was the cleaner and one senator. OK, or maybe or maybe it was all three of them. I don't know. But it must have been all three. I don't know. I don't remember anyway. Adele, you know, Princess Adele, who's a child, we don't really know how old she is, she's written as a child, is like I saw that and she's like, no, you didn't.
Don't tell anyone. You saw that. It's like that. Well, if you're you know, if it's justified, then why are you why are you so worried about it? But, yeah, I mean, it's like obviously my injury would be horrified if, you know, king of did that to someone, but they're totally free to just nuke. People will find. There's a moment in this scene to to wear smile, like momentarily disappears and then comes back and you're like, sorry, I had to pee.
Yes, you go and go to the bathroom. Sorry. But anyway, it's just like randomly leaves to go pee and then comes back and has to tell us all. Yeah. And then the next weird point is like Rasmus shows up just wearing a captain's outfit covered in medals. And I was like because he's a boat guy, he likes boating.
Yeah. But he's like 16. How what you know, nepotism. And like Princess Addo tries to steal the nuke pen because I saw it and she was like, that seems fun.
I want that thing. Yeah. And Joey leaves it in his backpack that he just throws on the floor where the chamber that he's sleeping in. Turns out there's like a secret passage that the princess knows about. Dude, if you're in a strange castle, don't leave the new ones in an unsecured backpack overnight, which has secret passages you're probably unaware of that a small child can get access to.
Yeah, I think I think he catches her before she actually steals it. Right. Yeah.
Because he's like wakes up from like a dream and he sees like a shadowy figure on the floor and then he realizes, oh, it's just that little girl.
Get out of here, dude. That's it. He's like, scold her, he's like, oh, you scamp, don't do that, don't try to steal the weapon of mass destruction. I get out of here.
Yeah, it's real weird. I know words.
Teenage boys who love fishing is a weird, constant intestines writing. That's the next morning.
They're all out fishing. Joey loves fishing, RASPS, loves fishing in Moon Lake, whatever the main character's name was. No, Sam loves fishing.
Sam's friends love fishing, teenage boys fishing. That's all they want to do. You have a note about Joey. Yeah, he called you see the boat that they're going on? He's like, man, that's a real sea sniper there. It's just another example of like when they think they have a cool term that they made up for this book, you know, like, oh, that's nice.
But that's a cool thing. Let's give Joey a line about that.
Yeah, I didn't even catch that. So good job. And then there's a line about how they serve Poseidon. And I was like, wait, what about the deity? What about God that you want to use most of the rest of the book?
They're like, oh, you two are touched by the deity.
That's why you have all these telepathic fifth dimension lifestyles.
And it seems like a very. Yeah, like a very monotheistic universe, like the daddy is God supposed to be very Christian, but then all of a sudden they're like, we didn't know.
That's how that's how he can walk on the floor and everything. Like, that's the mermaids, though, that gave you the stuff that lets you do that. But yeah, whatever. It's just another inconsistency.
What do you mean walk on the floor?
I don't know what you're talking about, Maya, like when she's on the boat because she's not fishing, because girls don't fish I guess is or she's she's on the. Oh yeah. She's on the boat, but she's not fishing. Right. Yeah. She's just like reading and drinking mango juice or something. There are always juices. Always. And then, like she just because she tells Prince Rasmus, like, oh, I can totally just I spent time underwater with mermaids, it's like, how did you do that?
How you breathe underwater? And she's like, don't worry about it.
And then she dives overboard with her like magical water breathing, conch shell or whatever and like walks to a beach on an island that's far away.
And I was like, where'd she go? We should be worried. And Joey's like that.
Don't worry about Maya just always survives everything. It's fine. Yup. And then she comes back later.
And I was like, where did you go? So you go underwater and then you came back like three hours later. What the fuck.
Like, don't worry about it. And that's it.
Yep. Oh, and then actually we have like a combined note here about how and so at this point in the story, after all these like side quests, we return to the main plot and there they finally after they I guess I finish straight up nuch the traders, they're like, all right, Senate City Council, because they conflate those two ideas. All right, city council, Senate, we're going to sign this treaty. So like the Queen Queen Dido, Queen Duilio Queen, Princess Alessa Dido, she goes to sign the contract, the treaty with Macedonia, basically in the in the Senate.
And she's talking to a friend. She's talking to Jeremiah, but they're like getting ready to walk in and sit down and sign it together, you know, and like kind of a press photo op kind of way. And she goes, oh, yeah, I got these anklets that tell me if something if a contract I'm about to sign is bad. And I was like, wait, if you have these magical anklets all along that we're going to tell you, if the alliance was bad, why did why were you concerned about the Senate giving consent?
Why did you have a vote? Why did you even care about the traitors? Why why any of this?
You could have why Senate could be like, well, how does the anklets feel when you have the treaty in front of you as you qualified? And they would be like, OK, well, imagine anklets that always tell you if fraud is occurring should just always be step one, right?
Yeah. And then there's also this this incongruous there's two incongruous detail. So there's like these people that the traitors I don't think we mentioned this, but the traders were like the queen took away all of our power. But in the text, it's evident that the Senate can override the queen because she's asking them to vote on things. And they said no at first, and then they had to, like, come up with another way to get the treaty to happen.
So which is it? Is the queen or our power it or does the Senate still have control? That's like another reason. I don't understand why any of this plot had to be. So it just it just totally cut the legs out from it's like font pages. Yeah, it's amazing. Beautiful. And then, Chris, you made a note that the book is rife with D and magic items, if you like, about that anklets that just, you know, guarantee, you know, whether a contract is bad.
The torn caps themselves, which is like infinite invisibility at all times, would be a horribly overpowered dandy item, even just like, you know, the whole Dragon Army thing.
Technically, if you allow a dragon or it's not really an item, but it's just like the once you have the magic stuff and swords and it just makes things less fun because there's less of a challenge.
Once you have the laser key FOB Nuke, what's like what the summertimes in the book to where everyone else is like, why isn't Joey just nuke everyone and Joey?
Then they have to go with the whole like oh it's the arms. Like we can't give them the right to use the cold light waves. I'm like, all right, but you already used it in that one battles like what's at this point?
It it just doesn't matter. Yeah, I know, I know, I know there's more small details, so. So the phrase exotic dancers is used, but it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be like, I think I mean, for Indian foreign. Yeah, like foreign dancers, but it sounds exotic dancer. So I just thought they were having a celebration feast with a bunch of strippers and.
Yeah, it's least.
He sees that Joey is crying it because he keeps crying and he gets drunk and he vomits all over himself.
So they have the celebration feast to celebrate the treaty, right. Yes. And I don't remember why Joey's upset, do you?
Kormilda got kidnapped. He receives the news that Kormilda kidnapped by Guy Kraul and.
So there's he gets a letter and it says, oh, yeah, Jolyon and Josie, Josie and the Pussycats, whatever, deliver deliver a note from Kormilda Helda and it's in a language you can't read. So he just puts it down and it. That was what was confusing to me because that's what why Said sent a letter in a language that we can't read, OK?
This is why I thought Jody and Jolene were the Koma sisters, because like they were from a time before and they were writing things in the language that Joey can't read.
Right. So the train horn in the background, like the overbearing silence of you trying to figure it out.
This was surreal.
That's the real train that goes by my house as opposed to those freight trains. Trains are conspiracy theory. Have you been on a train for the past three months? They don't exist.
You know, that's fair. I haven't been on I haven't been in any vehicle or any form of transportation in three months. Yeah. All right.
You know, vehicles aren't real. I think we just got a out of the rest of the plot here because it doesn't like the pages.
You not fucking matter. You do so. So I've got some notes here. I just have in all caps Coast Guard Dragons.
I don't know why I thought that those were not dragons flying around the coast of Carfagno trying to, like, look out for rockings because there's a threat from Maia's perfect spy network for Maragoli, which he's always talking to people like married when he has the best spies.
That's our thing. We have to we have always had perfect information.
Fucking mistress of whispers over here. Yeah.
And so they have Coast Guard dragons set up to like, look out for empire of evil naval attacks.
But OK, so but isn't it weird that somehow these Raven hawks are formidable enough opponents to fucking dragons?
Does that make any sense to you? There's just like a lot of them, I think is the deal. Like there's just thousands of them.
I guess the strategy is that they pick the eyes of the dragons out. So I don't know, get some, like, goggles, man.
Yeah, get your dragon some goggles new from Gorgonio Dragon goggles. They'll protect your dragons. I call them Ruggles. Chuckles Get Your Dragon is fresh from Gorgonio.
And like they had this attack happened to them before with the rockets. So why wouldn't they just make the goggles after to be like, OK, we'll take out the one thing that fucks us up.
I also like do the the do the dragons, do we do we know if they have fire or ice or acid breath? Jack we have fire breath.
They definitely use fire. So why wouldn't they just roast a whole you know, why would they fly backwards and like everything from afar.
Why wouldn't they.
I don't understand anyway. Not that I think that it's always the case where, like a a smaller opponent is always weaker. But in this case, just like Raven Hawks versus fucking dragons, it doesn't seem like.
Yeah. Should they be able to roast from pretty far away? Oh, I guess I guess the Falkland war happens again, but in the land of Macedonia, somehow I don't even remember that part.
So that's a no. You're right.
I also find yourself here some other thing. So we call it the land of Macedonia, but like it's actually Macedonia and six other kingdoms. So what's the world called? Or the continent? I think the continent is also Macedonia. Oh, fine. I don't know that. Chris, can you please go to page 261? Because I have a note that says page 261 tips fedora. And I have no idea what that's about.
So please read read page 261.
This is Prince Rasmus bidding farewell to my. Tomorrow morning, soon after you have left, this is Prince Me, I will organize the crusade and we will sail with you 200 of our warships to the Falklands. By the way, I don't know where the Falklands are in Macedonia. That's on the map either.
Oh, I was going to say in real life, they were fought over famously by Argentina and the U.K. They are off the coast. I want to say they're off the coast of Argentina. All right. Well, that's where Prince Rasmus is heading. Wait, no, I'm wrong. Go there. Wait. Am I wrong? Is that Argentina? Fuck you. I'm American. We have no knowledge of continuing on.
I will be command of this crusade accompanied by my admiral, advisors and captains. And we will be prepared waiting with our Marines in the shadows of the Toyomi and Dragon Islands for your sign to attack the enemy. I can promise you that the ships of Guayaquil have no chance against my armada anyway. I will not guarantee too much. But I can tell you one thing. Not many soldiers of Palios Army will escape during this crusade. The nation shall see how powerful the Carthaginian Marines really are.
I look forward with great confidence to this armed conflict. But remember, Queen Miah, the treaty says that we can come with our ships and take possession of the island of Akron and turn this place into an economical metropolis in the strait of Tyre. Odio Akron, Ohio is now a wholly owned Prince Rasmus. We understand each other very well. I think so too. But now it's time to dance again.
May I ask you, my lady? And there's oh, OK, thank you for helping me relive that all of a sudden the next chapter, there's just a real short chapter. It's like a page where they're like, oh, we're back in Lakeland with the Swansons. And I was like, who? What? It was like, glory, glory, cod. It was like Mya and Joey's family in Florida, but they were saying they were in Lakeland and they were called the Swansons.
And I was like, wait, aren't they from Oceanside? Also, I don't remember their last name being Swanson, because it was just a two page thing where it's like also their family was still over here.
Meanwhile, back in Meridiani, like there's no reason to or maybe maybe it said that Lakeland was they were there on vacation. Actually, I think it might have explained the change in location in Florida, but yeah, I don't know why it had to be. It was just like her parents going.
I want to remind Joey you're doing what you like, but hey, Chris, what are blank swords? I don't know. You know, be like swords are because of them. I forgot what page they're on. Let me see if I can find it. But it's the thing that, like Joey mentions, he's like, oh, we'll fight them off with our blank swords.
Oh, what is it like you haven't customized them yet.
They're like mass-produced things like inscribe your name on the blade.
No, I think that I think that they just couldn't come up with a descriptor and they accidentally left the edit in blank source.
That's OK. Well, everyone will come up with this later. They're just blank swords, you know, they're completely.
No, it's it's almost like we just call them swords. I know that that won't work. That won't work.
We have to put something there.
I mean, don't get me wrong, there are a variety of different types of swords. So, you know, but it's also fine to just fucking say sword because most people are just going to think of like a like a long sword or gladius or something. I mean, those are two different things, to be specific. But anyway, it's Gladius, they're shorter.
Anyway, my and Joey are off to save Kormilda, who has been taken to the Black Tower of naughtily, which is I always kept reading as not Italy.
I actually was reading it like like the two alcoholic zeltzer empires of Truly and Naughtie emerged like a black suavely child enslavement area because that's, you know what I mean.
Not a plot in here, by the way, of like kids getting kidnapped and sold to a black tower. It doesn't fucking matter. It's just also the town where crime held is it literally doesn't matter beyond that, except for a scene where there's two other kids that criminals are taking care of.
Yeah. And then actually wait, am I wrong about this? Yeah, no, I was right, sorry I had to check my gladius and longsword mouth anyway. Jesus Christ, parents. Well, I've I've been yelled at before for using Gladius incorrectly, so I didn't want to make that happen.
Oh, that's right. Yeah. That one comment. And now you're like, forget like I'm wrong about a gladius. Oh no. Well, I took a lot of Latin and we had to talk about them. I should have known better. Basically all I did was I described it as like a bit like to shorter that to me. I described it as being shorter than it really was and someone took issue with it anyway. Anyway.
Yeah, my injury off to Rescue Kormilda. Right. Right.
So Kormilda so compelled to get sold to the evil guys after the pirate. So the pirate Sulzer to the literal demons. Pluton and and they take her to this fortress and I don't remember poor the fortress of Pausa and I don't understand why they go. I don't remember why they go there.
They know she is like a good hostage to keep so that Joey won't.
He was defensor and give like he can trade Kormilda for Defendor.
That's put her in like the most secure area where we have all of our like child trafficked sorceror students or whatever. And that's why they bring her there. I think there's even a passage where they are like, why don't you just bring her to like the evil palace straight away?
They're like, who cares? Don't worry about it. Oh, yeah. Anyway, this fortress is commanded by Kimco, just a brand new Sorcerous character introduced in the last hundred pages of the series. Who has a Parrot?
What's the parents name? Parrot's name is. It's called. Hang on. Drum roll. Parent is called Kucuk, spelled K. U u k u u k, a.k.a.. He even had a little cadence there with it.
Yeah, the parents just kind of hangs around Comalco and just repeats some shit.
She says the spelling.
There's like some children to show or it's like Sukuk I over there is on the shoulder of an evil sorceress.
Don't get mad or she'll turn you into one two cuckoo koka.
I think that's broken me. OK, so I'll continue my enjoy. Show up, right. So they show up as the guests. I guess the work they show, OK, they show up at the tower with the camera crews who are in charge of everything. And Chamorros like, don't worry about that, dudes. We know they're coming with their dragons.
So here's what's going to happen. You're just going to catch the dragons in some nets. That's all you got to do with, you know, I don't know, understand why no one ever thought of this. If you just get a bunch of big nets, you can just catch the dragons that way. Yeah. You know, it seems stupid that we haven't thought of this before, in fact.
Oh, all right. So I'm assuming you explained them going to the fortress, right? Yeah.
And I told them about the best way to counter a horde of dragons coming at your evil sorcerer tower. Do you remember the weapon they used to neutralize the Dragons?
No, I don't remember that at all. Fucking net Paris. That's all you need. Oh, I just catch them all. That's all you got to do. So who cares what that guy has a laser nuke and you have other dragons and you know, maybe the nets could probably get torn up or bitten by the Dragons or even, you know, there's so many ways that the net might go wrong, but apparently not because just a big enough net.
That's all you needed. That's all you needed. Oh, yeah. My question was, how did Maya and Joey get captured so easily by six dudes on a net when they're the best fighters? They have a nuke, laser pen and two dragons. So similarly, yeah, they're always talking about in every other instance how amazing they are fighting and how they can take down like, you know, a bunch of people at once with just one weapon and blah, blah.
But yeah, these six dudes show up on the net and it's like done.
Yeah. That's all you need to do. Just big enough for that.
And then they're imprisoned in the fortress. And my unshowy are like, oh, we've lost everything. This is the end. And I'm like, what, what did you like? Your respective kingdoms come to rescue you and your allies. Even the Dragons are caught by the way.
The Dragons aren't needed somehow. No, they not my Joey.
I know, but like you think the Dragons would do something about it.
But no, they're just kind of flying around outside because they don't want to just nuke the tower because I guess in case my enjoyer in there, but like, they could have flown back and like, warned the kingdoms or something.
Well, they also just could have attacked anyone exposed in the fortress. Like, I don't unless nobody was anyway.
And then so there. Yeah. So I enjoy like despairing. They're like we've lost everything. It's all over. It's like you're just in a jail cell. It's fine. Like you're a powerful king and queen supposedly. And then the Maya, somehow there's like a skirmish where Maya somehow ends up.
The guards just come in the room to, like, feed them one time. And Maya just like overpowers three fully armored and weapons armed guards.
Yeah. And then she opens Joey's cell. But there's like a. There's like a bit of a further I don't know, there's like more guards or something, and they just lock Joey in with two or more guards who will definitely kill him. Yeah, and I still do not understand like to this minute, I do not understand why they didn't all just leave together.
I don't either. Paris, it's the most one of the most baffling things that happens in the entire book when Maya is like, yeah, I escaped, Joey. Now here I'm going to lock you in the room with the fully armored and armed guards. You'll be fine.
See you later. Yeah. OK, so I have a note that says page three 23 is an amazing example of bad writing and it's right after that. Know about the the guard fight. So could you please regale us with page three? Twenty three.
Turning now, Maya and Hilda hurried up the stairs and soon realized that there was no way out of the fortress. They only saw more corridors and halls with stairways from Hilda was shivering, her teeth shattered.
What? OK, well, you know, you know, medieval times, nutrition wasn't great, you know, to generate.
The next sentence is she appeared exhausted and malnourished as they tried to pass through the next corridor. In the dim torchlight, Maya suddenly felt a sharp pain in her lower back. It was the pointy head of a spear, and both girls heard the deep voice of the commander of the fortress close behind them. Lay your weapon down or I will pierce your body. You killed one of my men. We are not punishing you as a common thief anymore. You'll be buried deep down in the Dungeons Death cell from there is no return.
Maya laid the sword down as more soldiers arrived. She felt a cruel hand, grasping her hair to pull her over the floor. Maya began to slip, trying not to fall, and then her feet went out from under her. Kormilda started to cry as some powerful hands caught my eye. Before she hit the ground, the soldier grabbed my hair again, so vehemently with such vehemence that she let out a cry of pain.
But Hilda jumped forward and hit the man's head so hard that he let go of Maya's hair. But he got angry and smashed his head against the stone wall. Maya began slipping out of consciousness as the pain created silver fireworks in her mind, she slipped deeper and deeper until she saw the shadows of gnomes and creatures of the outer plains dancing on the bottom of her own soul.
I know whenever I'm about to, like, knock out from the net, I can detect those gnomes and demons at the bottom of my soul. It is dancing. Oh, those goddamn soul gnomes, Paris, they're the reason I feel so sad all the time, they just stop tap dancing on the bottom of my soul. You know what they're like.
Just imagine from software, you know. This is not exclusively obvious. Five, you can do you know, you can be great. You can have a PC version of Dark Souls. You can major your character to be extremely tiny. So that's totally a doable thing.
No muscles, no muscles. Once again, we're back to requesting that someone make dark souls. Maradona's seem seemed really sorry, everyone sorry that this is a thing we both desire.
Anyway, Joey does overpower the guards and like he kills one and they just leave that guard's dead body in the cell with him. They're just like, whatever he dies, he gets to stay there with you and then they escape.
And then at some point during all this crime, Hilda is like separated from Maia, like because my guess would be imprisoned or something. Like they didn't really escape. The guards threw them back in the cells. They take Kormilda away. All they say is like, we're going to take you to a better place.
And then Maya and Joey do escape when Maya, like she reaches out to the fifth dimension again and then she's like, oh, cool, I can just make the walls disintegrate with my hands and also create fireballs with my hands.
Oh, yeah. She has the power of fireball. She gets that spell she's reached was fireball, fifth level spell. I am not find out.
You know, I am about to be a fifth edition D.M. I should know I'm not going to memorize the fucking spell list. That's that's a player's job to do not mind. Oh I know. I'm checking. I'm checking Nory.
Yeah. But like again, I just another thing where they're not really ever in danger, it's probably the lowest point because they're in prison for like two or three chapters. But then Maya just is like, oh yeah, I'll just tap into that fifth dimension shit again.
Fireball is a third level spell that I think you get at.
Do you get third level, fifth level around there. Yeah. Yeah. So there you go. OK, like that. Or maybe fourth.
I don't know, something like that anyway. I just thinks are way out of it. She's like, I'm going to tap into this new lifestyle of mine, my telepathic fifth dimension lifestyle and I could just melt the walls and also throw a fireball. So no biggie. We're out of here now.
And then when they leave, Joey is like, here's a cool action movie hero line about it. He's like, the fortress of porcelain will stand no more.
And he points fucking defender at the fortress, which as far as he knows from hell, is still in there. Right. Like the whole reason he came over here and he was like crying and puking all over himself and he just evaporates.
The fortress was Defendor like, how do you know she wasn't still in there? I don't know.
I thought that they knew she was gone. No, they all that happens is the guards take Romilda away and they say we're taking you to a better place.
Maybe you can. Yes. But there's no reason to believe that she would definitely be out of there.
No, I think that they say something. I mean, I know they say, you know, we're taking you to a better place, but I thought there was more detail. I mean, you have the book.
There is not more detail, I assure you. I just read this yesterday. Oh, that's true. You finished yesterday. I finished it like last weekend. Yeah.
Well, um, anyway, so, yeah, my and Joey escape from the fortress of Priscella Kormilda is still far away.
Kidnapped again. And then Kormilda is just like off on this, like, weird side questi thing where it's like she's being taken to the water park evil fortress, but they like the caravan she's in, comes across like werewolves burning two boys at the stake and she saves, OK, they know they're tied to an oak tree with a bunch of werewolves around them.
And the whole centerpiece of the werewolf thing is they're like laughing about how excited they are to roast these two small boys.
And Kormilda separates from her caravan with her guards who probably should be like, hey, don't fuck with the werewolves. We got to go here. It's not your problem. They let her do that and it says, OK, Kormilda Hilda was already crawling like a pirate with a dagger in her mouth.
Does a pirate crawl different? Paris is there something that they do different? Apparently because the pirates pirates have a yeah.
I guess pirates call differently, I'm sure.
Anyway, she goes up to the oak tree and frees the boys who are also just by the way, they often mentioned like their two beautiful black boys. Yeah.
I don't I don't love it. OK, sure. All right. But it's just a weird way to put it anyway. They she cuts them free and they slip away in the middle of the werewolf celebration.
And the werewolves didn't notice anything was when the whole roast in the boys was the Senate was going on here.
What how could they get away anyway? They get away because fuck it, who cares anymore?
Yeah, sure. Just do whatever. It's fine.
Anyway, they take Kormilda back to the evil palace where hey, guess you know what's going on at the palace. Paris. It's the chaos and convention big, all C.C.C., the annual C.C.C., it's I don't know, I guess it's like all the evil people come around to cause chaos and swear to each other or something.
It again, it doesn't matter. Just a weird, random fucking thing that gets thrown here. Who cares?
Does the cursing chaos convention anywhere? I it it doesn't matter.
None of this matters because she's just locked into what I'm so ready to be done with this.
I can see the light of the tunnel pass. I just have to power through. I'm sorry. I know I'm like talking over it, but I just need to be done.
No, it's it's OK. I understand computers at the at the water park. And that's the last we see of her essentially is just crying at the water park, waiting to be saved by Joey because then Maya and Joey are now going through Terribile to get to the evil palace. But they land far away from it, like three cities away or something. There's a whole thing with count that is like like Origo, Navis is like under the king of Polyana, but he doesn't like them, so he helps Joey and then they go to a city that's deserted.
Why wouldn't they just let the Dragons close by? Oh, fuck. I hate it. Oh, God.
Oh, man. OK, take it away from me, Paris. Just carry me over the rest of this while I struggled. There are two footprints. That's the footprints on the beach.
Paris at one point. Now there's one because I need you to carry. Did we talk or did you.
Sorry, I forget if you described the Chaos and Curse Convention Magic Show. Oh yeah. OK, sure to happen at the convention. It's time, Pat. I don't know how many weeks passed by with Hilda at the fucking place. Anyway, there's some magician called The Maddin of Melissa because there's a town called Mellissa and he's a magician, which I guess you call a maddin.
From there she was the Madina Mellissa and King opilio came back.
So everyone holds a celebration where they turn random people into pigs and goats and have them running around working appalling on his and then the madina. Melissa has a mango that he throws in some normal dirt as it's put.
It has to be normal dirt and he grows a mango tree out of the bucket with a mango in it and it destroys the stage.
And I'm like, someone's got to build that stage again, asshole.
You fucking go tree trick. Thanks Maddin of Melissa. Uh, yeah.
I just don't even know why any of this needs to be in here. Sure. Why don't you take us on the final side quests. Paris. Oh boy. OK, final thing.
Maradona's souls I guess is where we're going. Oh, all right, well, so they I don't even remember, like, chronologically like what happens right before this, they're landing in a city, right? They go because they can't just go because dominations like, yo, can you help my boy out or whatever?
And they're like, I guess right after they land in the city first and then they meet the boy and then Mastodon. And I was like, oh yeah, that guy help him. So, yeah, you're right.
You're right. And they end up in this ghost town as they describe it. Again, I don't I don't remember. Oh, they were going through there to get somewhere to the evil palace where Kormilda is.
Right. OK, thank you. Thank you. Yes. So they're taking a pit stop for some reason in this ghost town.
And they they run into this man. They run into Chris Cornell.
What a joke. And by the way, the guy in the city that, like, is like, I knew you. I know who you are and I knew you were coming. I figured I'd hit you right here.
By the way, my name is Chris Cornell. Nice to meet you.
Chris Cornell, the immortal FBI, which is like a really unfortunate piece of magic, the brotherhood of positive thinking, which is that did that really say that?
Yeah, the brotherhood of positive thing. He was a member of the Brotherhood of positive thinking with their magical divine healing breastplate, that he is on a hunt for it. And he he got the breastplate. He's got it in his folder.
You see, it's got a folder. How can a breastplate fit in a folder? Also, if you had a folder large enough, that would be a really awkward way to carry on a blast. I think for it I think she means messenger bag Paris.
A breastplate is pretty big and heavy, it's a big messenger bag. I mean, yeah, I'm assuming that they must mean some kind of bag, but they keep referring to it as a folder, which is just wrong, the wrong word.
It is squarely the wrong word. So, yeah.
So he so Sawtell is a little break from Audioslave and I was going to say me now I need a ride. Oh I got this brass plate. I can't do a Chris Cornell. He says he shows up, he's like, oh yeah, I'm totally here because I asked for help. Like I answered the divine call for help. But then really he's like, hey, can you just take me to the store? I just need know right here.
I go to the Packie drama over the bag. I grab some drinks before I go drop off this breast milk.
There's there's a line here where.
Oh, sorry, people not from New England. The Pecky is the package store, which is a liquor store or beer and wine store depending. And it's called that because initially they used to wrap all your stuff in like brown paper so no one can see that you're buying booze. So it's this weird dialect thing. I just figured I wanted to point that out because I think people hear that and they have no fucking idea what we're saying. So tattoff.
Yeah, that's where Chris Kanelli needs his ride to. He's also like trying to use them to like also get the breastplate back to the brotherhood of positive thinking up and like the icy mountains past the evil palace or whatever.
It's that Ogun Agudelo thing. That's where he needs to go with the breastplate to get back to his brose of positive thinking up there.
And what does he do? He like there's like some kind of flooding or. No, the Tebow drops down because it's a drought and then he helps them call the rain.
He goes they go to another town where everyone moved from the ghost town to this other town. And it's also like super droughty. And there's two orcs that have control of one of the main water sources. So they have like a monopoly or copely on the water. And everyone in the town hates it because there's no rain ever.
And Chris Kanelli, be like everyone that touches just say Chris Cornell and, you know, everyone that touches the magic breastplate gets a special power or whatever.
And Chris Cornell's power is that he can summon the rain. If there's a sentence here when he's summoning the rain, it's this Cornilles voice vibrating in the air and gave the siblings goose bumps and goose bumps, is capitalized, which made me think that they just randomly received, like editions of the Goosebumps series from the library.
Well, that explains why Gloria Next wrote a Goosebumps book. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, yes. So they go to this town, they have a fight with some orcs. Chris Cornell, like there's like a whole scene where they're like, oh, we can't, you know, help you guys out because we're starving or we're thirsty from the drought. And Chris Cornell, like, waits a long time to be like, oh, I can just make it rain, guys.
Don't worry about it.
Anyway, whatever he does that everyone in the town is so happy about it, and a lady immediately just starts to pull Chris Cornell into a side room building by building to get it on with it, I guess you could always beating away those groupies for, you know, solving drought.
And he's like, hey, Maya and Joey, watch this breastplate that I have spent years hunting for. I got to go fuck this lady who is my rainmaker's stuff. So he goes and does that.
And oops, they lose the breastplate because a man actually they describe it as someone with albinism and they kind of put it in a way that makes it seem like people with albinism are inherently sketchy and evil.
Yeah, that's kind of concerning, huh? Yeah. Anyway, that dude steals it, but hey, they get the breastplate back again. It's OK. Everything's fine, you know, everyone's celebrating. Oh. Except they say they use this phrase. It says. I forget the rest of the sentence, but the clause is confused, like jellyfish in the ocean, you know, jellyfish are always confused in the ocean.
Shellie's Jelly's jelly's live in the ocean. Why are they confused? Why are jellies confused? Is does anyone want to explain this to me? The jellies aren't confused. They're fine where they live. They know exactly where all the stuff is.
God, I thought the context was like Chris Cornell was telling them about his brother, brotherhood of positive thinking. And he was like, we're confused. Like jellyfish in the ocean.
Yeah. And I was like, I don't know. I anyway, fuck Paris. Guess what? What? It's fine because, you know, they're all celebrating by and Joey defeated those two orcs that were, you know, in charge of the water properly. And but also, Chris really made it rain anyway. So it didn't really matter in the end. But, you know, everyone's celebrating and, you know, they're like, hey, you're my angel.
We have a celebratory drink on us and the drink is poison to my enjoyed by the end. Oh, my God.
That's the other Aberdonian. Chris, I'm not even kidding. When I read that, I was like, oh, my God, oh, my God, is it over? And I'm like, oh, swept fucking my parents. I started scrambling and fucking died. I started scrambling through the the appendix, like, assuming they were going to that there must be another chapter. But no, they're fucking dead. Oh my God. What if they really just die randomly like this and we never have to read another thing about them again.
How perfect. Here's the here it is. I'll give you the final. You know, let's let's revel in their death, please. But like you, this is the final page. Bask in their demise. Joey turned around and glanced at the excited people of Mogadon.
His eyes detected a strange looking observer. This person was with a white goatee and long pigtails growing out of a black cylinder on his head.
His robe was embroidered with blue ornaments on yellow ground. The man was intently talking to Gustafsson in what appeared to be a very demanding manner. The mayor nodded and went back to the city hall. Gustafsson and two of his clerks brought several chalices, served on a silver plate. He offered Miah and Joey a drink. Please drink with me. This is a day of celebration. The lakes are filled with water and Grall and Brutus, the evil orcs are dead.
Mei and Joey very thirsty after the fight with the strength, the whole content of the chalices with Big Gulps, the observer with the goatee and the pigtails grinned and raised his eyebrows as he looked at the mayor. Suddenly my and Joey started to cough heavily, realizing too late they were poisoned. The poison worked fast and my and Joey fell over at the same moment, splashing into the sea of blood between the two orcs and the three warriors. Joey, what's happened?
It's getting so dark and so cold around me. Yes, Maya, this is the end. These miserable people have poisoned us with my last breath. I want to tell you that I love you. It was a wonderful journey with you. But I never thought death would come so fast. Maya and Joey slipped down into unconsciousness. They slipped deeper and deeper until they reached a very different place, a place packed with shadows, dancing and celebrating shadows of gnomes and creatures of the outer plains.
But it was cold there, very cold. Oh, fuck, yes, fuck, yes, they're fucking dead. We never have to read this again.
Oh, God. I mean, technically, it does say, hey, this would be continued in the battle for the key. But as far as we know, we can't get that anywhere.
Yeah. So I know that we both did a little digging and I found conflicting. At first I found conflicting information, people saying, oh, it had been published, but it doesn't exist any. I don't think that it was ever. Actually published in my life, I can't find it anywhere, but it's nowhere. I don't even want we did our due diligence looking for a pass were done with Macedonia.
It's yeah, I think I think if anybody were fucking dead. Yeah, there's no I just I mean, obviously this isn't the way they intended for the series to end because yeah. Clearly there was like there are plans for not only the battle of the key, but there were actually plans for what, three more books in addition to that. Something like that. Let me consult Maradona, Maradona, Macedonia, Wikipedia page.
Yeah, there was there was definitely some other thing, like the House of Krar or something. Or something like that. Yeah. All right. Paris, while you're looking for that, can we fix it? No, because it's just like even if you just keep the main elements, it's just a lame as fuck like basic ass fantasy story that anybody could write this. I just like like you could fix it, but it would involve so it would involve just a whole redo except for creating this or except for sorry.
Excuse me, keeping the skeleton of the hero's journey, which is already something that I'm just so done with, like unless someone does something interesting with it.
Yeah. Which which this did not. Yeah. But you know, I think we'll close the show with a I guess with some introspection on all this madonia stuff in your family.
You know, we've made our way through all of these books. As far as we know, there's not any one more word we can read. I'm I'm I'm beat.
Yeah, that's it. Paris. All right. Well, thank you. Left the land of Macedonia.
Oh, fucking good fucking riddance. All right. Well, thank you to Daury, of course, our patron who recommended this or who requested that we read this. Thanks a lot for your continued support. Thank you. Yeah. Darroll, she's been supporting the show for since its inception. So many thanks to you. Thank you. Also to Greg Will Veronica de Linn, Cynthia Yakob, Bobby Black Cat, John Cena, male Cat Elliott, Karen Martin and Jay.
If you want help support the show. You can also donate one, five or ten dollars a month to us on Patrón for various rewards. You can subscribe or follow us. Subscribe to excuse me or follow us on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram or Goodreads can share the show. Tell some people about it. You can also review us on a platform of your choice. If you want to contact us directly, you can send us a message on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads or you can send an email to terrible bookclub at Gmail dot com.
If you're a five dollar or more patron, you can watch the Macedonian movie with us to your interest.
And we also did last year. We did like a month of Macedonia thing or we found a bunch of Gloria content on YouTube because she's also she also dabbles in bad music. That's another thing. Yeah, that's there, if you just can't you just can't get your fill. Yeah, it's there. All right, Paris, this is a two hour and 15 minute podcast, I think.
Fucking Christ. All right. Well, I guess nothing else is happening today for me. This is it, because we got to record another episode after this.
So. Well, bon voyage, Macedonia. So you never. By Paris.