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[00:00:03]

All right, hey, what's going on, everybody? It's time for another wonderful episode of the Bill Burton pod. What's going on, man? Good to see you as always. Man of many hats. I really respect your game.

[00:00:19]

I have so many hats that I got to get rid of some. But here's the thing. I'm a size eight head, so I have like I have a very unique size head. It's the biggest head you can get. So I have a hard time getting fitted hats. So a lot of minor league teams send them to me and then and then I and then I get them sent. I get sent so many fucking hats.

[00:00:39]

I have the greatest goddamn hats to be for the big hat though you're able to pull off the straight across. Sometimes it doesn't work. Yeah. With the big head you got a kind of rounded size eight eight. And you know, it's so funny. I go into a hat store, huge head.

[00:00:55]

Oh yeah. I go into every time I go into the store I go, hey, it's the same every time. It's so frustrating to me. I go, what hats do you have in a size eight? And they go everything. And I go everything. And they go, yeah, name it. And I know they don't, I already know they don't like go cool, I'll take that one and then they go and they go OK, we don't have that in size eight.

[00:01:16]

I go how about that one. And they go yeah we don't get that either. And then I go, how about this. We start all over. Do me a favor, check, see what you have. Is it in the computer. And then they go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then whatever city I'm in it's their teams hat. That's all they have. That's all they ever have. So. So what would happen.

[00:01:34]

This is by the way, I have a I have a a lot to unpack here Bill. What would happen is you could always get a Boston Red Sox size, a New York Yankees size eight, a Dodger size. The top sellers of sellers were always a size eight. The problem is I for the longest time, I had Red Sox Yankees hats and in L.A. and you know this, if you're walking around with the Red Sox hat and someone who grew up in Boston and they see you first thing they say and you see the game last night and and I'm always like, I, I don't I'm not from Boston, but they're like, you got the hat on.

[00:02:10]

I was like, yeah, I don't I have a big head. And they're like, What? Huh? And I was like, I never mind. So I had to stop wearing too much information. It was it was a conversation starter. So then I started getting when I go to these towns, I find like a minor league team. And then, you know, you were saying the earlier the more the more you start working, the more people give you free shit.

[00:02:31]

And I go to cities and there would be a hat in the green room size. They happy to have you in our city. This is I think this is the river dogs right here. That's a really cool hat.

[00:02:42]

It's a great hat. I love the colors. It's like the San Diego Chargers. It's got a ball for a mouth there. I didn't notice that little halo.

[00:02:52]

Maybe the Angels minor league team with the halo.

[00:02:55]

I no, I think this is the Charlotte River dogs. I'm almost certain I got a minor league.

[00:03:01]

Teams have great names, dude. Dogs show river dog. I don't know. I'm almost. I got to look that up. River Dog. Is that like some crazy otter that can eat a bear or something?

[00:03:20]

I think it's the minor league team. What is a river dog. A river dog is a canine come in, it's just a dog of an adventure for the Halston or famous like a duck hunting dog. I was hoping it was one of those fucking otters. Man, I've been watching all this stuff on otters lately and the stuff that they fight and the things that people are afraid of, like alligators don't fuck with otters for real, Dick.

[00:03:53]

That's what they were.

[00:03:54]

So this is a Charleston River dog's hat. This is the dead in the water. And so these minor league teams do these great blue Herot, Santos, the Pedro Santos hat. OK, so these minor league teams do these great hats. We're like like there's a great team in in San Antonio and they had the chop class hat. And the whole theory was, by the way, I apologize if I'm ruining this and it's only racist, but Mexican moms used to beat their kid with flip flops.

[00:04:32]

Right. So if you ever had a leg, if you like, if your mom ever took her flip flop out, I'm by the way, I really apologize if I'm getting this wrong. They beat you with the flip flop. So they had a celebration for Mexican moms. So they had a flip flop on the hat and it was the chocolates. And it was like it was like just a cool way to like. And I'm certain I ruined that story.

[00:04:55]

Well, that's a true story, if that's done the right way. It's funny. But, you know, nowadays you couldn't do that because someone would be offended. I'm actually jealous that that's all you got hit with. That seems like, you know, this got a little cushion on it. I'm sure it would sting, but it's not like not like a paddle or a brush.

[00:05:19]

Otter's can National Geographic article how a river otter can bag an alligator for lunch. And it says that what other big animals do they eat? They're smart, agile and strong predators. They do eat a lot of amphibians and fish, but they'll also take out sizable beavers, raccoons, plus snapping turtles, snakes and small gators. Of course, gators can also eat otters. So it goes both ways.

[00:05:50]

Yeah, but when the otters are all together, they got their crew like the alligator swims away, like he doesn't want to deal with it. They're like piranhas. They're like cute piranhas. They can they just start eating. They don't like they don't their mouth isn't big enough to choke out. Oh, man. One of the worst things I ever saw because I love turtles. OK, here you go. Right now, do not watch an otter killing a turtle.

[00:06:13]

It's one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Question once again, a higher power that what in the fuck? Maybe you should have spent two weeks creating the universe instead of making us all at our fucking throats.

[00:06:30]

OK, you ready to go?

[00:06:31]

Serial killers to fucking otters that are eating turtles alive. They flip it all around, they flip it over on its back and just start eating one of its legs and it thinks it can't do anything.

[00:06:43]

Oh, fucking. So I was just like, can you just bite it in the brain? I can eat lobster, dude. I don't fuck with lobster. There's no fucking reason to twenty twenty one that the only way to prepare those things is to boil them alive. Yeah, but they don't feel it. They don't speak English.

[00:07:04]

But what do you what are they measuring and how many times do they say something and they go, oh, new evidence shows that Christopher Columbus actually landed in Cuba and he was fucking chopping people's arms off because they weren't fighting gold molars in the fucking river. Right. They didn't have it that somehow an 85, 90 or some shit. It's just like, where would you find it? On a fucking napkin scribbled somewhere. So they're going to do the same thing with these fucking lobsters, they're going to figure out the whole time they were screaming at a frequency that only your fucking rescue dog could do.

[00:07:41]

So why don't you have those little things to break open their fucking shell? They should put one of the extensions like a Swiss Army knife. Just have it be like a little mallet. And right before you put it in the water, you just fucking knock the thing out. Yeah. How fresh does it have to be? It just died bomb in the water. Out of those hundreds, they always say, like, you know, they if the animal experiences trauma, it affects the way the meat tastes, right.

[00:08:12]

You know, they released some sort of thing throughout the meat. Stressed you, are you ready to sit in San Antonio missions, change their names to the flying trunkless, that is a flying sandal for those who don't speak Spanish. And it's a marvelous name. It says here a a sandal, but in the hands of your mother or your abuela, it became a heat seeking missile that would was the bane of your existence as a child. If you did something bad as a kid, their instinctive reaction would be to warn you that it Tongala that they were wearing was going to be taken off inflicted.

[00:08:50]

You from across the room, it was hot. But then when I explained that everyone's like we Mexicans beat their children flipflops like it's more than that. Never mind.

[00:09:01]

Yeah. Eddie Murphy is still a bit about that, about his mother taking off a shoe like a boomerang. Yeah. Yeah. Mothers used to beat that fucking when I was a kid. Yeah. Mothers beat their kids. My mother used to just line us all up and you'd just be standing there waiting. My dad saved the paddle from his fraternity. I used to hide that fucking thing, move and she'd mess and hit your lower back, back your legs.

[00:09:26]

You reach back and get hit in the knuckles was the fucking worst.

[00:09:31]

So fucking fast. Your parents, your parents. Have you ever talk to them about being spanked?

[00:09:37]

No, because I deserve like ninety nine percent of them. There was only one time my brother said that I kicked my other brother in the face, which was against the rules. If you hit from here down, it was considered working it out amongst yourselves. I knew a bit about this. I kicked him in the chest. My brother said he kicked them and I kicked him in the face. My mother was getting ready for work and she had one of those big 70s brushes like the mirror mirror on the wall once.

[00:10:07]

Yeah. And she watched and I ducked and she caught me right in the middle of my shoulder blades and it was plastic. So the thing burst. I went down and then like, this is how frugal people were back. I mean, we were living in a fucking duplex. So she just kept the brush part, you know, like a black guys try to get waves, you know, that little thing that they were.

[00:10:30]

That's what she just brush your hair like that.

[00:10:34]

And I'm doing what I'm telling you, like eight years and for eight years we got to laugh at that. Any time would come in. You know, she was brushing her hair be like, hey, that's a nice brush you got there. She was just like and it was the way it was because she smashed try to hit me over the head with. So I don't we've never had our kids. I take that I take that back, Leon Spangler, a one time one time she was jumping on the I mean, this is like this kid deserved it.

[00:11:05]

I wasn't there, but I had a theory. And my theory was that Leon did it because her family was around and her family was a bunch of you know, her family's was was the hitting type. They still spank. They still spank where they live. And, you know, my wife's family is the hitting type.

[00:11:23]

I like that. Yeah.

[00:11:25]

So Illo is jumping on the couch at the lake house in her bathing suit and one of Leon's aunts was like a you need to get that kid to stop, you know, jumping in no wet bathing suit on that couch. Lianne's like Allah, Allah, Allah. Don't you disrespect that furniture like that. And I looked at it, you get off that couch and then they grabbed, I took her down and they said, hey, look at that couch.

[00:11:52]

You don't disrespect that couch was jumping in a wet bathing suit. And I looked at all the ants and LeAnn turned around and spit on this.

[00:12:04]

Oh, my God.

[00:12:07]

It's like, yeah, I was on the road and I go and I called him on the phone because I was I got spanked about what? And I lost my shit. I've never had our kids. Right. Lianne's like you.

[00:12:25]

Oh, there's one for hitting your kids. You don't hit your kids. End up spitting on the couch in front of Company Blockings.

[00:12:31]

One of my favorite one of my favorites that sounded like the like WWE like the beginning of some bit to set up a championship fight. Let me tell you something, brother. Would you spit on my couch come this Friday?

[00:12:46]

The we were kids, there was this kid, Louis Feighan, so I grew up with the Fagan's right, Patrick, Louis Feighan, Patrick and Louis FFE, Afghan, OK, Irish, hardcore Irish and SLU into a verb.

[00:13:07]

No Haken. They were Feighan. What are you doing tonight? I'm Feighan Bill.

[00:13:16]

If you had grown up with us, we were to use that immediately. I didn't even think of that.

[00:13:20]

I immediately felt bad for my goal. Then when his childhood was there, like literally how far he dropped down in the draft of when he picked for a prom date that last name.

[00:13:32]

So it's not fair. Patrick's at school lui's younger and they have a microphone on the stage and in Patrick's mom's helping out at school. And so Loui, younger not in school yet, grabs the microphone and starts singing in the microphone. And one of the nuns comes up and grabs the microphone, puts it in the thing, smacks of Momma Hamster's. Don't you touch that microphone. So Louie goes up, grabs the microphone again, the nun goes way, grabs microphone again, starts singing.

[00:14:03]

Now the whole school's watching. Right. Whole cafeteria kids are watching. Nun grabs the microphone, puts it on the floor, doesn't put it back on the thing, lays on the floor and says there will be hell to pay. Mister Fagan if I come back and this and you touch this microphone one more time, he's setting them up for a kick to the chops, kid.

[00:14:25]

Nun walks away, Louie Fagan waits, gets on the stage, Marine crawls over the microphone, lays his head. Next to it goes Sister.

[00:14:40]

What did she do? I lost her fucking shit. I love that bill. That story happened 40 years ago and I still remember it.

[00:14:50]

I guarantee you, if his last name was Johnson, he wouldn't feel the need. He had to do that. He needed a rest. He had to be the crazy guy.

[00:15:00]

Marine crawls over the kid by six years old, lays his head back to the microphone to go sisters only six.

[00:15:08]

He was fucking sick. Wow. That's like a genius comic mind to do that, because then he was also like, well, I didn't touch it. He had an alibi. He had attacked a loophole. A loophole.

[00:15:19]

Yeah, I do remember one time I'm not going to say the names of my kids say what grade or what school. But this teacher asked me to go down the hall.

[00:15:28]

She may or may not have had a drinking problem, told me to go down and she's never drunk at work, but she was definitely hungover.

[00:15:37]

Now that I look back, she fucking she goes you and you go down the hall, right? Saw me and they said they could get up. And then one of my best friends told me to. I mean, I was like, I don't know, come on with me. And she didn't say him. And she came storming out. She goes, I didn't say you. And she grabbed him by the back of his neck, dug her nails in and threw him what he did one of these where he almost fell down.

[00:16:04]

And then I was sitting next to him in class and he had blood coming down his neck like like they took the bolts out of Frankenstein. And I don't know, you could do shit like that.

[00:16:17]

He could, like, leave home with a perfectly good neck and then come home. What happened to your neck? I thought the teacher said me. It wasn't me. So she grabbed me by my little neck and threw me down the hall. I remember crying at his desk. Oh, man.

[00:16:39]

Yeah, I fucking hated my teacher because that was like my best friend. I fucking hate it. Ah. Now it's just like, I don't know, it kind of solidified. I was getting to like the whole like. Were you really realizing that adults did not have their shit together or because they had a car and they could fucking, you know, stay up as late as they want, eat whatever they want? You think they have all this freedom that there he's fully develop people?

[00:17:09]

There's another part of that story that I told them I would never tell. I can't I remember the first time seeing that with a cop.

[00:17:16]

The first time I saw that, like I grew up thinking cops were always right. I was always wrong. And I never I never saw I never saw it filter. And then one time we got pulled over in in Georgia. And man, I remember he took my license and cut it in half with a knife and I went on a license anymore. He was like, yeah, like he literally was looking for me to start a fight so we could.

[00:17:45]

Beat the fuck out of me. What did you do? I was beaten. I was just beaten. We were making how fast? Maybe 50 and thirty five going over a bridge and not I mean, not really. Small town. Small town. How come you didn't say anything smart to him? No, not at all.

[00:18:07]

I had long hair listening to an agenda with Grateful Dead stickers all over it and airing him up. I remember being didn't throw in that quick.

[00:18:22]

I remember being so confused. I was like, wait, what are you doing? Like the fact that he wasn't following the law. I was it blew me away.

[00:18:32]

I can't tell many times I got pulled over when I was on the fucking road. I used to always do the same thing. I would immediately pull over and I'd sit like this waiting for the guy and then he would show up. I'd be like, I don't worry. I goes, OK, I get my license. I did all of that shit because, I mean, one time I got pulled over, I had some gig in Colorado and I was driving like 90 miles an hour for like an hour in the wrong direction before I realized it.

[00:19:01]

Not ninety like sixty five seventy. And then I realized it's going to take me like an hour and a half just to get back to where I started. And I went from having enough time to go to a subway, check into the Motel six, make a set list to having to go straight from my car on the stage. So I'm driving like fucking 90 now. And I'm on some back roads in Colorado. And I swear that this guy in a Ford fucking Bronco that I had, like Radio Shack, like cop lights on his dashboard was coming the other way.

[00:19:35]

And he, like, swerved at me and I was like, what the fuck? So I pull over and he comes walking up to all he had on was the cop shirt. He had like blue jeans with the key when I was in, like a scoutmaster, like he was like to a Cub Scout. I mean, he is the cop shirt tucked in to his pants. I'm like, what the fuck? And he comes up and just fucking bam, slam the window goes out talking about that.

[00:20:05]

And he was a little fucking punk ass fucking kid, little fucker. I still remember his fucking little face. I could have put him between my fingers and snapped them on my fucking neck. Little fucking douche and a big truck who got the cops shirt. And I'm going to be like, you know, hey, buddy, when you when you get your first couple whiskers, do they give you the rest of the uniform?

[00:20:27]

I mean, I had a million for this guy and I can't say shit because I am. So in the middle of nowhere, this guy could blow my fucking brains out and he seems unstable enough. Like the level mad that he was up to 90. The worst thing was going to happen. I was going to hit somebody fucking cow in the middle of nowhere. He's acting like I was going through some fucking playground with kids running across the street. Oh, what a cunt.

[00:20:51]

I can never tell that story without getting fucking pissed. Late 90s. I tell you, the best part of that trip was I made the cake and then this was 99 the Giants fault, not the Giants. The Jets were in town playing the Broncos at the old Horseshoe Mile High Stadium. Yeah, the Broncos had just gone back to back and had Terrell Davis and everybody thought Elway was going to come back. He retired. Everybody thought the Jets with Bill Parcells and Keyshawn Johnson and Vinny Testaverde were going to go on to field or whatever when he blew out his Achilles in the first game.

[00:21:30]

So they were both 014 and Scalper's had a stack of tickets like this giving them away at face value. I probably could have got in for less, but whatever. So I fucking go in there and Terrell Davis blew out his fucking ACL. I guess that isn't a good story. I was just like that. I went to them. I went to the I got to go to Mile High Stadium, a house of horrors for a Patriots fan. Oh, wow.

[00:21:59]

Dude, I swear to God, we played them like every other year, it seemed when I was growing up. But it was always in Denver and it was always snowing. Craig Morton kicked our ass. John Elway kicked our ass just right on fucking through God.

[00:22:13]

How about Brady, huh? How about Tom, terrific. It's not the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, it's Tom Brady Buccaneers buddy, Tom Brady, call it that. I call the victory formation.

[00:22:24]

That's Tom Brady formation there. While his defense definitely, you know, stepped up when we'll say he had some miscommunications with his receivers. But I I can't truly. He Drew Brees. He beat Aaron Rodgers. Who did he beat the first week of the playoffs?

[00:22:46]

Hard to forget, Andrew, you remember?

[00:22:50]

No, but they're doing what the 2008 Giants did, which I thought was one of the most undeniable championships ever. But the Patriots were undefeated with the fucking deflate gate. So it was all about it was more about us losing rather than like, wait a minute, you realize what the Giants just fucking did. They beat Dallas in Dallas. They played they had like three brutal fucking road games. Dallas was good back then.

[00:23:15]

They put it got in Washington, maybe Washington. I'm sorry. All right.

[00:23:24]

They're not all going to be world leaders.

[00:23:28]

Who do you like? Who do you like in the Super Bowl? I think it's going to be great. Yeah. I mean, I. I just think there's something that Tom Brady goes on. Patrick fucking Mahomes that guy is I didn't realize what he he's done the last three years.

[00:23:47]

Like, he has the same thing Brady has. It goes beyond being great. It's you have the fucking you got the fairy dust sprinkled on your fucking career. Like just it just like I always look at Derek Jeter. Derek Jeter, his whole career was like that scene in The Natural when he hits the the the lights and all the fireworks and shit, why wasn't fireworks? It was the lights going, you know, coming down to the field. Who's every fucking big moment.

[00:24:18]

He always got a hit. He never choked even when, like, guys fucked up and missed the cutoff man. He's over by the dugout somehow and flips it sideways to get jambi out. Who doesn't slide right? His three thousand head. He can't just get a fucking hit and just get that unbelievable milestone. It's a walk off home run. I mean, the guy is just like he wanted to end in Yankee Stadium and Red Sox really wanted him to play another game so we could show our respect.

[00:24:48]

So he does one at bat. What does he do? Gets a fucking hit, of course. Yeah, that's a hit. We're all saying thank you for just watching your greatness. And then he goes, take me out. It was fucking perfect. And I feel like certain people, just like the odds that he would be drafted by the Yankees, get to play shortstop, never get caught in some stupid fucking trade. That's all I think you're going to see right.

[00:25:12]

There is hope. It was like a he had a perfect career, right?

[00:25:16]

Yeah, man. I look at a guy like, you know, like, I don't know, just like guys like Tom Brady, like the balls just bounce their way. He just Mahomes has that fucking thing. And there's a way to beat those guys. But you have to have a running game, I feel, to do it. You want Mahomes sitting on the sideline like Bernie Sanders. That's what you want to slow the fucking game down. But what happens is everybody sees Casey come out in that freight train offense, goes down the field on like four or five fucking plays.

[00:25:50]

And then everybody says, oh, fuck, I got to do that. Like when a boxer fights a brawler, don't stand in the center of the ring with them. And that's what they all fucking do. And it's just like they're going to score thirty eight. We're going to try to score forty. And I could tell you, having not played organized football since third grade, the way to beat this team, you want like a twenty three seventeen Patriots beat the greatest show on turf.

[00:26:11]

You want a low scoring fucking game. Yeah. You don't get involved in a shootout. That's my piece, that's my two cents. Yeah, he was it was it was a beautiful day yesterday watching Brady play. I've never been able to I mean, this whole season has been fun rooting for him because I always wanted him. I always wanted him to succeed, you know, like I always want him to win. But but I had no stake in the Patriots.

[00:26:37]

So I'm always just kind of rooting for the guy to win and to when he won on the Bucs, it gave him like a it made you feel like he had he had taken a hit backwards. Everyone said he couldn't do it. Parcells said, I'm the genius. You'll see.

[00:26:52]

And then I don't know. And it was Belichick never said that. That was all you have to understand a little something about sports. There's like nine twenty four hour sports news networks and they have to fill time. Oh, yeah. So because of that, things like deflate gate, which was laughed out of court and the judge yelled at the NFL for wasting his fucking time. They actually acted like something still happened because they had to fill up the fucking time, so that bullshit with, you know, friction between Belichick and Brady, it's just a bunch it's a bunch of bullshit.

[00:27:31]

It's all bullshit. All right. They've got to respect each other. I bet he texted him and said, congratulations.

[00:27:37]

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[00:29:04]

But that's how many minutes can he eat up with that on ESPN. Yeah.

[00:29:10]

Did you watch the Tiger Woods documentary. No, I haven't. You guys talked about that last week with Dean. Yeah, it's it's not. Yeah, that's right. One of the things that I got I can't get over. I cannot get over and they maybe should have never told us was the first time Tiger Woods got in trouble fucking that Perkins waitress. The National Enquirer had the scoop. And they went to his team and said, hey, we know you've been fucking this Perkins waitress.

[00:29:46]

You got to play ball and Tiger is like, tell us what to do, and they're like, we want you on the cover of Men's Health. And he's like, fine. So they got him on the cover of Men's Health. That's so gross. It's so gross. Because now all I can think is everyone that's ever been on the cover of Men's Health must have fucked a Perkins waitress to get like, why the fuck else would about that's extortion.

[00:30:11]

That is extortion. It's simply that this this is my deal, OK?

[00:30:17]

All all he has to do. Is fucking play golf and entertain me, all of that other bullshit is none of my fucking business. That's between him and his wife and his immediate family and his in-laws. And if they want to drag him around and fucking scream and yell at him, they've got every right to do it. But the amount of fucking people that were just like he let me down, it's just like what is missing in your life that you're looking into the fucking TV.

[00:30:46]

And like you put like that much. Stuff on it, I mean, I just I don't understand, like, if that documentary was going to be about him, the golfer, I would watch that. But I don't give a fuck about somebody's personal life. Somebody's personal life is their personal life. This fucking bullshit where EXs leaked videos of former boyfriends and girlfriends and then then they go after the person who was violated. And nobody says, hey, what a piece of shit move by this other person to do that, like that happened recently to the Lone Ranger guy.

[00:31:31]

Somebody fucking put out a bunch of shit about whatever the fuck he's into sexually, and everybody was coming at him and it was just like, what? Well, what about that fucking woman that he thought he could trust? Is it a story about the broken trust, their. Yeah, and then what kind of person I if I sit down and read all of that shit, I'm fucking as bad as she is, I'm worse.

[00:31:55]

I read all of it. And then I Googled his family history. Did you know that, Ahmann? Can I ask you a question? I'll tell you. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you why I do that to you. I'll tell you why. Because I always thought that his grandfather, Armand Hammer, was the person behind Armand Hammer baking soda. And he's not two totally different companies.

[00:32:16]

And I was like on fucking petroleum.

[00:32:19]

And then he ended up he was so rich, he bought Armand Hammer baking soda so people would stop fucking asking him, are you part of Armand Hammer? He bought the company so that no one had to ask him if he was if that was him.

[00:32:34]

The moment we are kind of running out of problems. Yeah. You're going to therapy. What's get into today, AMI? You know that baking soda. Well, that's you, right? See, that's what the fuck I'm talking. No, I mean, any time, like some like Starlite, all of a sudden it's like naked photos of her online and shit and they're all devastated. I'm not looking at him.

[00:32:59]

Yeah, there's plenty of fucking porn out there.

[00:33:04]

I don't need to do that to somebody if they're fucking sitting at home crying. Why would you do that to somebody, I might be a dick. But I'm not an asshole. I'm going to put that on a teacher.

[00:33:16]

I wish I was as good as you know, that's a I don't know that that say this. Listen, I cross lines all the fucking time, believe me. But there's something about that. Like I don't. You know, I don't do that. I don't fucking publicly shit on other comics like some of these kids today going on Twitter and just piling on on some fucking one of those Twitter trials, Twitter lawyers all sitting around, just hang up, hang them high.

[00:33:51]

And you see, like other comedians jumping in on that. And it's just like you even there. Twitter today, Twitter introduced something called Bird Watching, in which it's a program in which, if you think something is misleading, misleading through a joke, you use this feature to to tell them it's called bird watching. So. Yeah, I don't I don't. They're just that's some horseshit their lawyers came up with, like, probably. I think, you know, it would fix said if every comedian just left.

[00:34:34]

So, all right, we're going to another platform. I don't want to go. I want to be telling jokes with his birdwatch. I got to be honest with you. I don't like. I saved my real jobs when people come out to see me, oh, I don't put them on Twitter. Who the fuck puts the joke on Twitter? No, no, no, no. I just mean thoughts. Yeah, let's do these Twitter jokes that I won't fucking do.

[00:34:56]

But I also wouldn't do it in my app because it's just a fucking Twitter joke. So I just kind of keep it to.

[00:35:03]

You know, sports and. Being glib, I like putting out I like I like going, hey, what's the what's the most underrated Grateful Dead song? And then getting a bunch of people tweet me like great songs so I can listen to and then going, oh, cool. Like I like. That's what I like for Twitter.

[00:35:18]

I don't like I don't, I don't I try not to keep I try to keep all my acting but yeah.

[00:35:27]

The exact energy if you're sitting by yourself reading tweets. Oh cool, cool. I said, I said Twitter as I find myself some mornings going on Twitter doing this is exactly it. Ready. Getting on Twitter and going, oh wait, I'm having a great day so far. Why would I fucking ruin that and then put my phone down.

[00:35:48]

Yeah, I mean, I wish I. I, I watch I watch a lot of videos, dude, I just look at old trucks. I got my phone right here. I'm going on Instagram right now, let's let's let's do this right now. See when you when you click on the microphone. Now the spyglass. What a fucking magnifying glass. What do you call Spyglass? I don't know.

[00:36:13]

Over on Twitter. OK, so for some reason, I have a shirtless. Jason, state status. I think that's who that is, Jason Statham, the most shredded actor.

[00:36:30]

I don't know whether I got it. Stevie Ray Vaughan. I got some chick on a hoverboard. An old Ford. Oh, this is for Instagram, Instagram, yeah, oh. I got I got somebody walking in the bottom of a pool with weights. OK, big truck. Yeah, a lot of musicians, Eddie Van Halen, Stevie Ray Vaughan, some chick played bass slash another old truck, Larry King, nineteen thirty three, twenty twenty one, another person on one of these fucking boards.

[00:37:11]

So you bought doing things, right? Yeah. Vince Neil. I have people running the more for me. Oh, shit, please get up. What's that? Oh, my God. Holy fucking shit, what a hit. So hockey game. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God, yeah, I have a lot of Puerto Ricans getting their hair cut. I'm obsessed with that. I don't know what this is, but this is all that comes up, any Puerto Rican getting a haircut is like no, always looks like they're going to fuck it up and then all of a sudden it all comes together.

[00:38:00]

I have watched so many of these fucking videos where you're like, oh, shut up. Is that a leave? That's my favorite old Ford recently. Look at that. You like that, Burt? Oh, God, yeah. The silver. I'm obsessed with those fucking things. Now to that and I'll just sit there and go down each one of those rabbit holes, look at every Ford truck, everybody like, right. Recently I started following these people that they have, like, those skateboards and they're going down like Pikes Peak, like the sickest fucking bombing hills.

[00:38:34]

I've watched that you can do that thing where they kick it out to slow down as this cars coming the other way.

[00:38:42]

Oh, I love it. Yeah, I love it. I have a lot of action on my on my Instagram yesterday morning. So you did? Yeah, I did. I had a lot of oh, wait a minute. We haven't talked about we've got to talk about your fucking new day, dude.

[00:39:03]

Look, Winston Churchill, Bastille Day, when you were literally setting that up and I didn't know what it was, I was like, wait, I know something else. Why don't we FaceTime me on his birthday?

[00:39:16]

And when I saw his spread, I thought you were in London. It was. Tell me those photos, please. Take me through. It was a cover for people who watched the podcast, just tell them what what it is. Well, it started with me and you talking about Winston Churchill, and that's how this whole started as we started talking about Winston Churchill and about what he did in the mornings. And this morning he did the same ritual every day.

[00:39:40]

You started it by talking about you in Paris with your wife and about what your days looked like. And it just was so romantic. And then I watched the darkest hour and we started talking about it and I said, you know what? I want to do a Winston Churchill Day. I'm going to have a day where I get up at eight in the morning, my wife and daughters bring me and my breakfast on a tray, which was Winston Churchill's breakfast, eggs, bacon, toast, jam, a little bit of water, a coffee, a cigar and a scotch.

[00:40:11]

That's what he did every fucking morning.

[00:40:14]

And now I I'm the breakfast of champions right there. No disrespect to Wheaties. That's it right there, Bill. Let me tell you something, I know it's important, it's important.

[00:40:27]

Oh, here we go. There's my daughters, my wife at the corner of the bed. Am I baking my eggs, my coffee? That's what got me do the thing that the toast is in, that's what Leon got me for Christmas. She got me this toaster. The thing that the butter's in, the thing that the jams in on that table. She got me the ashtray. She got me the tray for the fruit. She got me the scotch glass.

[00:40:52]

She got all this fine China, like all this fine dining ware so that I could really enjoy my moment and like really take my time with it.

[00:41:02]

And family loves you, man. Look how proud they are that they did that for you. You're a great dad and husband right there.

[00:41:09]

I actually asked the kids wouldn't be there. She wouldn't show up. She wouldn't even have done for you. You did it, man. Good for you.

[00:41:16]

It was so so I woke up. Now, here's what's interesting is I thought to myself, I don't want to have a scotch in the morning if I haven't been drinking at all. I haven't been drinking much at all this month. So I said the night before, oh, look at this cigar in the mouth.

[00:41:34]

So fucking excited.

[00:41:36]

Smoking the happiest. Yeah. Excited I've ever seen you. Oh, you almost look like you don't know how to take this all that it was a little much, by the way, crushed the bacon. Oh, the bacon was flawless. She baked it in the oven at four twenty five on parchment paper.

[00:41:57]

Oh, my God, isn't that I like a little crispy, if not burnt up? This was amazing.

[00:42:05]

So I hate rubbery bacon.

[00:42:07]

So the night before I, I we some friends face time us. So we Lee-Anne made me an old fashioned like we had this little machine that makes drinks for us. She made me an old fashioned before and I was like, I'm not really drinking. She said well you got to have a drink. So you so you want to do tomorrow. And I was like, yeah, I'll have a drink. So I had an old fashioned then we open a bottle of wine, had a couple of glasses of wine and and I had a great night the night before.

[00:42:34]

So I had I had a little bit of a buzz the night before. I didn't smoke a cigar. I wanted to save it for the morning. So I woke up not hungover, just a little like, fuck man, I was I tied one on last night, which was perfect, OK, to do hair of the dog.

[00:42:52]

I just love how fun your life is to just such a fun guy. Do you have a machine that makes old fashioned?

[00:42:58]

Oh, it's great, Bill. I'm going to be so you don't drink, but it's not great. But she goes, I want to make cocktails but I don't want to open a bunch of bottles. You put a pot in and then it has all the liquors connected to it. You push it down, press a button and it makes the drink for you over out of this fucking world. That's dangerous. She's been drinking every night. So when did you get this thing?

[00:43:24]

Christmas that she's had a drink every single night. She's like, I love it. I want a margarita. I hit a button margarita. I'm going to have an old fashioned button, old fashion. So I'm going to see you on intervention. What's it called?

[00:43:40]

I don't know. I'll find out. I'll tell you exactly what they should advertise in this podcast, too, because you just sold one hundred of them. Good. It is our call again right now. You know, it's great, Bill. I said to her, I said, I'm having a great time smoking a cigar in bed. And I go, Why did you do this? She goes, It's your idea. Hello? Hey, what's the name of our drink machine?

[00:43:59]

We got our Tisia bar Tisia. Huh? A bar Teja. It's fucking pull up a picture of it.

[00:44:07]

Andrew, you're like half in the bag right now. It's called fucking blatty. Oh. All right, get up. Set it up.

[00:44:18]

So she said, I said, why did you do this? And she goes, it's a quarantine. You came up with a fun game. Why wouldn't I play along? And I went, Huh? She goes, Right. There's nothing else we can do. Why not have fun like this? And I was like, fuck, yes. What's interesting was we like the rock star man. Oh, she do.

[00:44:36]

She's the best. She woke the girls up. They made breakfast all together. I did the fruit plate. Georgia made the eggs and made the bacon. They pick Georgia sticks her head and she goes, What's a good morning scotch? And I went, Johnnie Walker Blue George. Oh, Barq's debarkation.

[00:44:55]

It's fucking awesome. So those are the bruises on the side. It's fucking so great, I would be afraid to own one of those.

[00:45:05]

You get little pods, you put a little pot in, and then there's four. You only see two here, but there's two. There's one behind it on each. There's four places that you plug in there. You put it from the side view. You see all the bottles of booze. So we put high end booze in there and then you make great cocktails, whiskey, sour. It's fucking I had booze into that thing.

[00:45:26]

I'd be nervous to do that. Oh, dude, I tell you what, I had no idea how high end booze would lead you here.

[00:45:34]

Buffalo Trace for whiskey. Ever heard of that? Oh, my God, Buffalo Trace is fucking awesome. It's if you've ever had with Joe. And here's what's fascinating about this, right, Bill? So I'm not a big one drink guy. Like, I'm not a guy who, like, has a drink and then doesn't have another drink. I'm like a two or three drink guy. But I had a day I had shit I had to do tomorrow, yesterday.

[00:46:03]

So I wake up and I'm thinking. I mean, see how this goes, I may chase it with another one to finish my cigar off in my bed, I eat my breakfast eggs and bacon first, have my coffee, a little bit of water, toast and jam. Right. And then I go to the Scotch. I like the cigar. I take a sip of the Scotch and it takes perfect. It tastes so perfect. Johnnie Walker Blue.

[00:46:27]

Did you have to, like, slow yourself down from wolfing down the breakfast just to experience smoking a cigar in your own fucking house?

[00:46:37]

I paced myself. I paced myself.

[00:46:39]

I love you, but I never, never did. That recognises a moment. And the man delivers. I love it. So you pace yourself, Bill. I swear I fucking toast at half jamming it down my throat.

[00:46:54]

I've never done this in my life. I took almost three quarters of a cigar down before I finished my scotch. I took my time with my scotch. I literally just took a sip, switched it around a little, hit a cigar and just slow rolled it. Lee-Anne got in bed. She brought a computer working on a project. She's just taking notes. Shows me ed things. I'm giving her notes. I'm in bed like Winston Churchill. She's got an edit for a thing we're trying to sell.

[00:47:23]

And so she's showing me the edit. I'm given no cigar and scotch, just like Winston Churchill, I, I do get done my scotch, I get done my cigar smoke the whole cigar in bed. Door's open, we change the sheets. And I felt so good, I felt so good that I go I'm going to go on the treadmill and run six miles, got on the treadmill, ran with that cigar all in.

[00:47:46]

I felt I was on a high like I was in and out. I was on an emotional high, sweat it out, got in the pool, fucking fifty six degrees, ice cold. I feel great, I said to myself and then I said, no more drinks today. Let's go to sleep, get a good night's sleep, start our week off. Not one more drink throughout the entire day. Drink water. I felt fucking awesome. And I thought to myself any time I tie one on the night before and I got to Sun that I kind of made some shit to get done.

[00:48:16]

I'm going to do scotch and cigar in bed. Room does not smell like a cigar. It does not smell like a cigar. Aired it out. Lee-Anne came in this morning like smoke a cigar at all. I was like, yeah, no shit fucking greatest day because I fucking inhaled the whole thing.

[00:48:33]

Wow. Dude, you're an adult man I. You know, I've I've toyed with the idea of, like I told my wife, if we're in some really special place or something, I would have a drink. And then I'm like, now I've done that too many fuckin times. And it's like it's not even just like. You know, after three weeks, it's like the next day, then I'm just drinking again, you know, I get a cigarette or something and it's just like my big thing is I can't have it all.

[00:49:07]

I don't know what have I got kids. And when I drink, I get hammered and I don't want to fucking do that. So do it. I'm so happy for you that that happened. And I think I speak for a lot of listeners that we live vicariously through you or you maybe you gave them an idea, maybe not a cigar and scotch person. I tell you that little barista thing or whatever the hell you just had there. The way my mind works is I would have to try every drink.

[00:49:34]

Oh, without question. What's what's this? You know, like, I got to go to all the stadiums. I got to drink all the drinks and all the clubs. I've got to do a stand up gig every fucking night, I swear to God, it's like I have to make sure whatever I'm applying that to is going to be good for me. If I ever watched that fucking. Big Lebowski. Oh, forget about it, white Russians out the ass, just I mean, I can't make it to the movie anymore.

[00:50:08]

Yes. And they're fucking delicious. And then that sends me down a fucking road. Next day I'm getting why am I ordering a slice of cheesecake with a bagel like doing here? Because you got to let sugar in. You go. We need more. We need more. So anyway, we've got to wrap this up, Christia, once again, people to want to know how to live. This is the man right here. God bless you.

[00:50:30]

But God, I tell you something, God bless this podcast. We came up with this on this podcast and it worked out. It was perfect. And it was such a treat. You're right. If Scotch and cigars or anything, find your thing, make a special day out of it. Because I had a blast yesterday. OK, well, I already know what I want for my birthday. I already told my wife what it was going to be.

[00:50:54]

It's going to be I'll let you know when it happens.

[00:50:56]

OK, it's something really simple, but something that I fucking love. But she would never let me smoke a cigar in the house to my dad.

[00:51:06]

My dad texted me yesterday. He goes, I bought this for Bill. I said, what is it? It's called it's a cigar called the Jackass. Have you seen it? Oh, it's got to be the size of a fucking horse's dick this big, you've got to light it with a Bunsen burner. All right, that's that's we got we got to wrap this up here. Dude, I love your bird, and I'm so happy for you.

[00:51:35]

Happy birthday. And I love doing this podcast with you, especially during a pandemic, as a way to connect with somebody here. All right. Once again, everybody, this has been another wonderful version of the bill. Hurt hard, yes, dude, I hung in there with you, you were frozen like this, like a bit of a laugh and I was just like, is that him or me? I got to close it out. All right.

[00:52:00]

That's it, everybody. I don't know. Right. And tell us what your perfect birthday thing is. We got it. We got to do some of those, get some people some ideas. We'll say, I don't want to say the names, whatever. We'll come up with something. That's it. We'll see you next time.