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OK, talk, talk, talk.
Have to go now tell me, hey, what's going on, everybody, it's time for another wonderful episode of the Bill Birds podcast Never Goes Back to me. Very big podcast with Dave Portnoy. Last week, Bill. Yeah, it was, and how about like and then two days later, he's talking to the president. Yeah, why the fuck wouldn't he's like that in on us, you know, give us the inside scoop. Well, because that's what makes them cool.
What did you think they had? They had a they had a little meltdown over it at barstool with Big Cat and and Dave just going like I'm not running it by everyone I'm going to see. The president is such a fucked up thing that going to see the president all of a sudden. Oh, this all of a sudden, like the president. I'm not I know it's Donald Trump, but the president just divides everyone going, how dare you play golf with him, Brett Favre.
And I'm not sure.
I think that the little that I saw, I thought Dan thought that they were getting used to and Dan Katz thought that they were getting used to say, hey, man, we just make people laugh here, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't want to get involved in that. And they sort of how it seemed the way he was presenting it was however they presented it to him was not the way it went down. So I wasn't there.
I don't know. I'm sure they're going to survive. But personally speaking.
You know, I make up my own mind as far as. Who I'm going to vote for, so I don't think it hurts them that I don't know. I didn't I also I also didn't see it. So so they put it all behind them and they keep cruising because I love that site.
I do. I really do love that site. I love those guys over there. What here's the question. Let's do let's do a three pointer, OK? The three part of the three parter you get offered to play golf with the president or fly helicopter, the president says, Bill, I'd like you to fly me in a helicopter. That's horrible. That's horrible. OK, hold on. All right. I mean, it's a fantasy, so it can be whatever you want, but the president says, Bill, I'd like you to find me in a helicopter or I want to meet you.
I'd like to invite you and your family to the White House. I'd like to play golf with you like you did with Brett Favre. And all of a sudden, Brett Favre got lit up. Vince Vaughn saw him at a football game and shook his hand. Like now to the point where you're like, if you meet the president, if you want to not get assassinated in social media, you just got to keep your hands down and be like, no, no.
Like, would you take the opportunity to meet President Donald J.
I wouldn't have done that with any president. Never now. Well, hold on. That's crazy. You wouldn't Obama. Are you fucking kidding me now? What? You would I would love to have met Obama. Now, what about Ronald Reagan? Now, why why not meet any president?
Because then they fucking own me. No, I can't do job still with the fuck we had fucking steaks in the Oval Office and now if he's acting like a contact, can't call him a cunt because he's got my number.
But I know that's the thing about this business, dude, is and that happens a lot is that they bring you in. Once they bring you in and then you're making a little bit of money. You guys hung out your golf together, you broke bread then. Then there's then they're like a a real person. So I really believe, just as a comedian, that you avoid. Getting into that, because then then your act just gets like. You know, how are you going to have your hot take off the guy's drone bombing a fucking wedding?
I go over the Obamas, I can't make fun of them for that. Then he calls me up. It was a mistake. We thought they were terrorists. But how the fuck? He talks like Jackie Mason. Right. And then I listen to him fucking argue that I could have done the Michelle Obama because one of my favorite things I ever did. So my favorite reactions I ever got from anybody. I mean, it was nice to your wife.
We had you over and I got lost in that shit. I hate it. I know I don't have any fucking interest. I don't know how to run a country. I don't want to know how to run a country. And I don't want to rub elbows with those guys because then all of a sudden, you know. Dad calling me up, you know, crying like some fucking asshole and I got to listen. I don't wanna listen to it.
So what part of.
One of the perks, one of the things I like about being in the public eye a little bit is getting to meet like heroes like the rock. Like if I can meet the rock, I would be like, is there anyone out there that you would leverage all your years of hard work, like all your years of hard work where it pays off and it gets to go like, hey, Bill, heads up fucking Chuck Yeager or someone like someone that excites you that like Larry Bird wants to have you out to the to the house to have dinner and play basketball.
Is there anyone that you would be interested in? No backwards court. No, I mean, once you meet a few, you kind of get it. It's like, oh, it's just some fucking guy or some woman. And they had a dream and they went after just like me. And then you sit down with them. And they're like, fucking got to get this fucking itch, I can't get rid of it, it just become normal.
It's like I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. I don't mind doing it on like a TV show or in a movie. I'd like to work with them in that sense, but.
I'm not saying I wouldn't want to go over to somebody buddy's house, but like but there's nothing I have a really busy life at home, dude, with two kids and everything. I got my hands full with that. And I mean, honestly, if I was over fucking Chuck Yeager's house the whole time, I'd be sitting there going like I'm supposed to be singing the bare necessities to my daughter as he's telling me what it's like to go through the stratosphere vertical.
I mean, all this stuff, I think it's more more people. I think it was more when I was younger. Well, let's go back into all of those people. They're all dead now. Everybody that I like is dead. Like who? Well, most of the cast of the Magnificent Seven, John Bonham, took such an interesting person.
Well, why is a huge fucking movie? I'm just a little bit older than you. And it was to carry the work on the practice to save me. No, we're not.
I'm fifty two. You're like forty five.
Bill, you were just a senior when I was a freshman. That's all I. No, but there's a big difference though.
There was a there's a major. You ever see Keith Robinson do that bit about black guys. He says there's Earth, Wind and Fire black guys.
And then there's Run DMC guys. There was that thing where Keith graduated and it was it was Earth, Wind and Fire and Parliament and all that. And then within four years, Run DMC, Aerosmith and all of em. I don't know shit about rapturous when all of those guys came out so that when it became mainstream, I should say, because I guess the Sugarhill Gang and all that before you fucking hip hop heads come at me. All right.
No, you're right. There was there was the blouse, the blouse, prince, black guys. And then there was the tight leather members, only jacket, black guys like like I remember this distinctly. There was it was cool to be feminine for a second and like and then all of a sudden it was a different look. I remember the look vividly whose look it was. No fuckin God damn it. I just watched a documentary on NFL networks about him.
And I was like, I didn't think he was that old Randall Cunningham. Randall Cunningham, OK. Randall Cunningham was like tough, but he was like Jerry Curls and a tight members only leather jacket.
And that was the 80s. So close but tight in the 80s. I will tell you this. I've been going through some pictures.
For that Petraeus documentary and I saw the pictures from the 90s, it's some of the worst. Fucking photos, I look like I lost 80 pounds in every photo, like it's just the most bagus awful shit ever. But getting back to that. So when did you get cable? What grade were you in when you got cable late? It was late for us. I want to say I was. Must have been. I remember hearing about MTV and shitting on it to my friends, playing Wiffle ball.
So I would say six fifth grade, sixth grade, fifth grade, sixth grade.
I didn't get it till I was like in high school. Like, I never saw MTV till I was like a freshman sophomore in high school. And then all of a sudden it came out. I was like, holy shit, what is this? But so there was no HBO, no Skinemax, none of that shit. So my generation I grew up on the eight o'clock movie, the Sunday night movie. And they would show Clint Eastwood's spaghetti westerns, the Magnificent Seven Bridge over the River Kwai, Kelly's Heroes, The Dirty Dozen.
I used to watch all of that shit. And so it was this weird thing where all the movie stars I liked were from like the 50s and 60s because it took that long, I don't know, to get the rights to movies to show them and all the movies that were coming and going, like, I guess like in the 70s when, like, you know, Travolta and all those guys were blowing up like I wasn't going to those movies.
I was too young for that. And then the 80s came along. And by then, I got you know, we got cable and I started seeing Chuck Norris, Stallone, Schwarzenegger movies, Scarface and all of that shit, but and that just like blew my fucking mind because where that was compared to what I had been watching on TV. So so I grew up I just grew up watching all of those.
You know, Henry Winkler was huge for me to meet, I met him one time, I did a podcast for Bill Hader Show Barry.
And I got that was a huge thing I had like Fonzie trading cards, and my goal in the interview was not to bring up Happy Days the entire time and just talk about Barry. So I had plenty of questions. Bill Hader, plenty for the creator of the show and plenty for Henry Winkler. And I was going to get through this fucking hour. Right.
So Bill Hader has a peanut allergy. He sent somebody out. Somebody goes out to get him a fucking coffee and they put almond milk in it instead of milk. The poor bastard drinks it like his throat closes up. I mean, like people can die from that shit. So he had to go, you know, I don't know, do his breathing thing so he doesn't show up. So now it's me, the creator of the show, and Henry Winkler and I got beads of sweat going, I'm not fucking asking them, I'm not asking them.
And he was so fucking cool, like 40 minutes in. And I was finally just like. I'm sorry, man, I was like I was trying not to do this, but I thought Bill is going to I was really trying to go the whole hour without bringing up Happy Days and that that character you played. And he went right into the character and basically said, like, you know, I can't do it. I can't do the Fonzie sort of that.
Yeah. That jagged talk where he was like, I'm not upset because that character put my kids through college and he did it. And everyone is just like, oh my God, he's doing the Fonz. He was such a cool, generous guy. So as far as meeting people, like, how's it going to get better than that? I met Henry Winkler. He did the Fonz. He was gracious. He was totally cool. And he's on a cool new show.
Have you seen him on Barredo? I know everyone's talking about Barry. We're we were just talking about I was just had a conversation about Bill Hader directing something, and I was like, Bill Hader, like, you have not seen very, very fucking amazing. I love Bill Hader. I think Bill Hader is the most he's the greatest actor that you don't know is acting like him. And Trainwreck was fucking awesome. Trainwreck was a great fucking movie.
You ever hear him do the show? He's impressed with the way they're the guy with the white hair would be like it was a sleepy town and he just would always do that.
That you ever see him with the parrot, with the puppet. I never saw I mean, so my daughters and I got onto an SNL tear of like so I think so many people shit on SNL, but they forget how many amazing sketches they put out throughout a season, like sketches that are like the funniest things you've ever seen. Do you ever see Kristen Wiig with the baby hands when she pulls up the baby hands down?
She's like an all time or she's like up there with Wil and Eddie. That's one of that's one of the things that really kind of. Bugs me when you hear people say that guys think women aren't funny or that people say women are funny. I would argue women have owned SNL for the past fucking 15 years, the women on SNL. I'm not saying the guys aren't funny, but, man, those fucking the women on that show are like, laugh out loud.
So underrated is is not Amy Poehler and Kristen Wiig was the Rachel Dratch. Rachel Dratch. Yeah. Debbie Downer. Debbie Downer is it's official.
I can't have kids or. Yeah. No. All the way but yeah it's been. No, but I thought that they were great during Dana Carvey zero, too. I'm just so bad with the names, I'm bad with the names, too.
The two women who were on during that and Agastya and yeah, Energous are gorgeous and something Hooke's or something like unhooks in a guess. That was later. As Jan Hooks, Julia Sweeney, Julia Sweeney.
Here comes Pat. Is actually a. Well, I just think I just I think people, you know, they get paranoid. Well, it's not complete bullshit that's been like major fucking people. Let's say women aren't funny, literally. Just say it. And, you know, I don't know, I don't agree with it, my wife's funnier than half the fucking comics I know.
My daughter Ayla is both my daughter, my daughter, Georgia. I told you I was buying running shoes. I don't know if this is just because their dad's a comedian, that I don't know if it's because they're my kids or because I'm a comedian, that they maybe speak up when they shouldn't. And at times as an adult, I was buying running shoes is during the pandemic. I had to go out and get running shoes and I Georgia with me.
So we go into a running store and and I said and I know I'm like in and out, right. Mask on. And I go over and I go, can I get these a six and a size 12 and a half. And he goes, sure thing. What are you gonna be using them for? And I look at my running and he goes running and then Georgia goes and a little bit of lying.
And I just thought I thought, wow, that's a that's like a that's like a ball busting comment brain. But that must have got a good laugh. Right. Got it.
I wasn't laughing. I mean, he wouldn't laugh at all. He just kind of walked away and I was doubled over. I was like, God damn it, that was good. But yeah, that old adage of women are funny just had never the second I got into a comedy club, I remember sitting back there and going into one of the first comics I saw was Sarah Silverman. She did that licking jelly off my boyfriend's dick joke. I remember going, not only do I have a crush on her like one of those, when a woman makes you laugh, all of a sudden you're like, oh, you are in a new space in my heart.
Like, you got territorial on me, like like God. When a guy makes you laugh, you forever go. I love that do that guy's fucking great. But some for some reason, when a woman makes you laugh as a comic, maybe you always have like a subtle crush on them. You know, where you go, like, I don't know, there's something different about them, you know. You don't say yes. Yeah, no, no.
I if I make somebody that a woman that breaks balls. Yeah. And that's that's where I came from. That's like showing affection says that you like somebody I guess also what can be done in a mean way.
So I don't know who the fuck knows when I watch the good guys. The good guys. Is that the good guys. We were talking. Nice guys. Nice guys again. Want to run this theory by you? Is the nice guys an homage to Abbott and Costello? Well, definitely when he's when he sees the dead body now, without a doubt, without a doubt, that is I'm trying to look up this actor's name. Nice guys cast.
Shit, who is it, is it John Boy? No, the guy the guy who plays the blue guy. Oh, wow. He was great, man. Fucking unbelievable. That was that movie is build up. You're the one that turned me on to that. And I watched just a oh nap that I hope I said his name right through that guy. That guy is a beast. He's a fucking beast. I've seen a movie like six times and the way Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling play off each other.
And I thought Ryan Gosling doing that thing when he saw the dead body was like, I just it's like this guy is a student of comedy, like he is showing he's going all the way back to the 40s. That was Abbott and Costello heyday, you know, black and white stuff all the way up to right now where, you know, you look at some of the comedies from 40, 50 years ago and people would like deliver a funny line, bye bye.
Bye bye. You know, they really get it. Now. You're like, you've got to act like you're not being funny. You could do all of that. And then Russell Crowe, that the register he was talking in when he was bringing his voice down, it was like a monotone was killing me. We just had the brass knuckles and punches at two in the face. I don't want to ruin it for people.
But that that say that's on the road movie, like back in the day, you know, when we'd be on the road and every once in a while to get like a tour bus like like that was like the highest compliment for a movie. When that thing came out, I was like, dude, that's in the rotation thrown in Anchorman Goodfellas. And then we're watching the nice guys.
Yeah, and what didn't you did one of those guys come on your tour bus? I was in Atlanta when they were shooting Anchorman two, and I got to know Dave Kleckner. Yeah, so he invited us over there. And I've told haven't I told the story? Oh, think so, I think I did, yes. Andrew Sanea. Now he did like the old school. Hello. Like we walked up. They brought us up to outside of his trailer and he just burst the door open.
Like Kramer. Mista is a big guy who's standing above us. It's me and J Law here. And he had never met J. So he just burst the door open. This goes the man, the myth, the legend.
Come here and he starts bounding down and I'm like, oh my God, this guy is going to hug me like a grizzly bear. And right as I put my arms up to hug, hug him, he walks right by me and just bear hugs. J We had never met and buried his face into his neck, totally committed to it. And like it was just such an old school silly thing to do and we would die and laughing.
And then we ended up yeah. We got to go down to the set and they were actually doing a news piece. So when Will Ferrell showed up, he was totally Ron Burgundy.
He had like like this crazy looking suit on and shit. It was nuts.
The whole thing was nuts. Yeah, that was a great and we played the Tabernacle. They came out and we also went to the NCAA basketball finals that I believe Louisville won that year. I mean, nobody had more fun doing the fucking road than I did back back when you could do it. I was just a sports nerd. Did I ever tell you what I had lined up for this year as far as sports? No, I was going to the Masters on Saturday and Sunday.
Me and like four of my friends, then I was going to raise the motorcycle racing in Austin, I was going to the Kentucky Derby and I had gigs around all of this. I was going to the Kentucky Derby. And and then I was going to go to the Isle of Man race and t the T race. I had that lined up.
Wait, wait, wait. Isle of Man, the Isle of Man race in the Isle of Man. Yeah. What were you gentlemen? Race in fucking Rhode Island. Island. I just watched a documentary on that the other day. That is fucking insane. That's dangerous to go as a spectator. Yes. Everything about it is insane.
It's for everyone to tell everyone that doesn't know about the Isle of Man race, what it is, just because I don't think like a race that's held, I think over two weeks there's all these different classes and stuff and. Basically, they've had more people die than years that they've run the race and they're just on these country roads going like 200 miles an hour, which is like, what, a three, three and a 20 kilometers? They're just flying.
And I'll fly right through town, and it's like people just standing on the side of the road and they're just going like like these people aren't saying they're going to get fucking decapitated, they're going to kill the guy in the bike.
And it's a little like Irish village. It's not like it's not it's not Irish. Welsh, is it Welsh now? It's their own deal. But there's great Britons here. I got to do it this way. Great Britain's here. And then there's Ireland. It's in between.
But but but perspective wise, if you're hearing this story, I don't want you to think it's like like like like like a town in Alabama.
These are like old cobblestone, like little little like brick walls that it's just, you know, there's a cowpats that they've paved over and they're just I mean, there's just tree lined streets going like, you know, 200 miles an hour, one hundred eighty miles an hour. And then they get into town. I saw one one year the guy came into town and he went over the hill and his bike went airborne. And then there was just the side of a store that was looked like it was on a Lord of the Rings, like all stone and panties, splat.
You were you were going to go to the race. Yeah, I've been trying.
I've been yeah. I've been trying to go with a buddy of mine. Forever. So so the year it started off, I went to the college Super Bowl this year, saw Joe Burrow's and LSU where when it against Clemson, and that's the game. Vince Vaughn shook hands for a half a second with the truck you were talking about earlier. I was at that game. And so that was the beginning of this run. I was going to do a really cool venues and going to all of these these crazy sporting events, you know, but whatever.
I mean, it's not like they're not going to ever have them again. It just kind of got derailed. All right, everybody, this one's from FERA, one from tight muscles, tough workout signs of aging to simply making it through each busy day.
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And I was like, Are you fucking kidding me?
Like, well, I mean, you're not if people aren't going to do what the what they're fucking telling you to do, you're absolutely not going to, I think. But, you know, we never got rid of AIDS, but we came up with something where you can manage the disease and live a very long time. So that's what will end up happening. I mean, I don't think that you ever really cure a virus, do you? You don't really stop a virus that can burn out if you quarantine people.
I look. I mean, there is a way to do it, but everybody would have to get on board and human beings, generally speaking, just seem to like to argue the time.
And coming out of Mehar Merridew this weekend, we took the girls on a on a road trip this weekend in a Winnebago. So I figured I can stay safe on the tour bus tour the country. And we're doing another tour. We're doing another tour. Just give you everyone's a heads up. We're doing another tour through drive in movie theaters in August, starting August 8th until August 20 something. So I believe you can be safe. I really do.
I'm proof that if you wear a mask and you kind of say zero contact, you don't get in people's faces. Don't touch a lot of things. I'm a little obsessive compulsive, but you can be safe. I am proof that the mask fucking works. But we get to this dude ranch, we're going to ride horses with the girls to a sunset ride. And I see a guy who's a fan. He's a fucking listen to Rogan, listens to us, listens to my podcast, and he sees me and I have a mask on and he goes, Oh, come on, you're not one of those maskers, are you?
Bert and I wanted to go, yeah. Like, why aren't you like I to I why?
It's pointless because they are convinced that doctors don't know what they're talking about, but the news program they watch does. And look, it's it's both sides fault, both sides politicize the thing, so it stop being a medical issue, a you a machismo, give you a fucking pussy, you're wearing a mask. It became, you know, those kids. It's not a mask. It's a muzzle. I love that it will take off there. Well, what do you have to say?
What are they stopping me from saying? And the whole thing is just. I don't know, like, look, I love a conspiracy theory, but to think that the entire world got on board to either help Trump or get rid of Trump, depending on where you sit on that thing or I don't know what a fucking man I just saw Charlemagne and God talking about Biden fucking.
Oh, this is I'm I'm like I'm like giving up.
Why would you listen to that guy? He's not like a political pundit.
He's a smart dude and he's any and I'm a smart dude, but I don't know shit about politics. What do you have some inside scoop. No, no, no, no, no. I just know I like to take I don't get a lot of different perspectives in my life, you know? I mean, when it comes to people who are so well rounded fucking I'm horrible, Bill.
It's so so I like to listen to guys that I don't guys that have different perspectives. And to hear someone like Charlamagne, the guy who I respect, say, I hope I really like your vice presidential candidate because I fucking hate you. Go like, God damn it, if he feels that way, then a lot of black people must feel that way. And that bums me out that a portion of our country is feeling disfranchised, even more disenfranchised than they did like their one hope makes them feel like shit to it.
Just everything about to twenty fucking bums me out like I just go come on man, let's get fucking nuts. I'm so ready for a cure. I'm so ready for a vaccine. I'm so ready for fucking something. And I don't want a Democratic candidate that everyone has hope behind. And I want fuck I want everything. I want to go to a concert or someone to spill beer on me and look at me and go, bro, my bad.
That's all I want. My bad. I go, don't worry about it. Like I fucking want everything back, dude. I'm like losing my shit. Bill, it's been a bad week.
No, no, I've been there. I would like it if everybody stopped watching CNN and Fox News. And I would love it for the government to come in and break up those two news channels and go back to regulating ownership of media. So we're not listening to two people's fucking opinions. And they have that level of influence to the point that people listen to their news channel before they listen to doctors. Bam, you're trying to get me to say that fucking thought that clearly again.
I want a revolution and I want it to be someone that takes down Twitter, takes down those and goes, guys, we will give you the news. This is fair and this is the truth.
And it's just one in picking a form of government that isn't corrupt. Yeah, like people's idea of like communism gone communist. So, I mean, on paper, you know, it's a cool fucking thing, but you're not everybody like as far as my limited, limited understanding of socialism is, everybody kind of has the same. Right. Is that what it is, just on, OK? There's always going to be somebody taken more somebody there's always going to be that person taking more and just fucking everybody else because human beings are inherently flawed, that just inherently fucking flawed and corruptible.
And then that's just regular people forget about people who are born. Like, you know, missing some like, I don't know, empathy and ability to give a fuck about other people, I don't know. I just think of it's all. I don't know. I don't know. I'm so fucking sick of talking about it, let's let's just talk about the dumb shit, what I'm to tell. I'm bummed out that my daughters are getting older. It really is bumming me out.
So tell me some cool baby shit like like I'm already kind of looking at pictures of being an old dad is listening to all you fucking guys who had kids when you're supposed to have kids all regret and gone bad. I should have been no more. I grew up so fast, dude, you know, make sure you take it. You guys are like that dude in that fucking Aveng made of to me, hanging onto the chain link fence as your kids are going off to college.
I said a moment this weekend. I said, I'm fucking done, I'm done. I can't wait till I find my second wife and start my new family. And I'm going to do it right this time.
I'm going to do over go. Oh, it's going on me. I'm learning to break my daughter's hair and it's like the greatest father son interaction we could be having, really, like like like legit braid her hair like robes and stuff.
Yeah, well I mean, you start simple. Yeah. Then I'm working my way up to like a French braid and then stuff like that and like, you know, doing the whole thing, spritzing it, the tagline it, combing it out and all that shit. And we just sit there talking to each other. She's like a little girl in a hair salon and she seems to really be enjoying it.
And I got to tell you, man, I if I keep doing that, I'm not going to be eighteen years later. It goes by so quick. Make sure you fucking I'm going to be sitting back going like I took I did the whole thing. I took it all in because that is the one great thing is I have been home every single day of my son's life. I have not missed anything. And now he's smiling. The kids got a vibe to.
He's got a vibe, really? Yeah, I said to my wife, I go, he's got a vibe because he definitely has a body, he's chill and he already knows what he wants. He's a chill dude, man.
Oh, do you are you guys nickname people? Yeah. Then we got some I keep those to myself, though, because I know no, I'm just saying oh, no, we got a bunch. We have nicknames. We have songs. We're songs, we were big song people, we were big song people, like making up your own little songs for Inside the Family.
Oh yeah, I got one from my daughter when she's taking a bath because she was whining and she never you know, that I just started making up this stupid siles like take off the shirt, take off your pants, take off your underwear.
I thought it was the funniest thing ever. But now every night when she goes to take a bath, she goes didactic on thing where we used to love when they'd say a word wrong, and then that would become the new word for that.
Pisey was our favorite. Are we getting Pieszecki? And we go, What pieszecki? I want a slice of pie and you want oh pizza and then go. In my opinion, the youngest one in my family, we we came up with a catchphrase that we used to say when someone would say something to you, you know, like basically. That was like, you know, sort of a clap of thunder, you just go, I would just go Mediapart.
Sew me up. Meaning what? Yeah, my little brother did not say it, I was thinking about my sister. I can't remember he didn't know how to say it. And my dad used to always do that. He'd be like, well, you know, so I forgot my books today when I went to math class. And then he would look at me like, Meaning what, Bill? Meaning what? I got a zero for the day.
So we used to imitate them over just dumb shit going made in what we used to imitate them. So my dad such a character. So my little sister wanted to be like us. So she would look at you, she'd say me both because she couldn't say Bill. Yeah, yeah. Then we all said each other's names the way she said him. And to this day, like we text each other, we text each other in the pronunciation of the youngest kids pronunciation of all of our names, like 30, 40 years ago.
It's fucked off.
That's I love those. That's what I did when I was in I think I guess maybe high school. I felt like I felt like I I felt like my family wasn't cool. And I look at other families and go, oh, God, I wish my family was as cool and as fun as other families. And then one day I switched and I think it was my youngest sister who we realized was like the energy of our family. And she she would just grab things that we had an uncle who would it was very, very wealthy and we'd go visit him.
But his lifestyle wasn't conducive to like kids. And so he used to call us, used to call us big team like he was is very like, I love this guy. And if he ever hears this, I don't want him to think negatively. But he would like he would be like, all right, big team. We got brunch by the pool and we're going to some Bible reading, OK? And so we're like, all right. And so he'd leave and then my little sister Contigo go.
All right. Big team can't wait for this Bible reading. He wants to read first. And so we do that. But then as disconnect and hope, you don't ever hear this and sing badly about it. But he would then have a bottle of Chardonnay because he would want Chardonnay at brunch. No one could drink, but we'd all get shortened. They would be like wasted on my little sister. I love being big team. This is great.
I'm fifteen and let go. My little sister would be the one that would be was kind of like the energy that connected all of us because her inside jokes were always fucking hilarious, like. And I you know, and then one day I just what's that we used one of my brothers had a boombox that had the double tape, you know, so you could record. I have I have like AC DC and they make a recording. He one time recorded an argument my parents were having with Led Zeppelin, no quarter underneath it.
And it just meshed together perfectly because that that song starts off so slow and creepy with the keyboard. And then when it builds to the CRECENTE that must get through, you know, and bottom comes in.
But back up into my dad like a fucking like, you know, we've been asking him for 30 years. He goes, I know I have that tape somewhere trying to find that fucking tape. That's the other thing too about when I think about being a kid was how fucking funny my family was, how funny everybody in my town was and just how funny. I don't know, just the entire greater Boston area, it was just like I don't know what it is about the East Coast because I feel like New York down to Philly is the same way.
It's just everybody is fucking hilarious.
Yeah, actually, Pittsburgh's that way. I mean, Cleveland's that way. I don't know what it is. There's just something about. I think you've got to you've got to have a major city and you need four sports teams, and if you have that four, then it's just going to be like, I don't know, there's going to be like that sports vibe. So then that becomes the locker room vibe, you know, breaking balls, learn how to take getting your balls busted.
And then everybody just sort of becomes like funny. I think he can hold the weather to cold. Weather is a big one, too. There was something one of my cousins all grew up in Philly and there was I think what you need to be funny sometimes is like a really not caring if you're funny, like just being funny, like someone who cares too much, which happens a lot in the south, like in the south. And I grew up in the south.
I'm not sitting on the south. But one of the things in the south, we're like like old stories you'd heard a hundred times. They'd tell it at one hundred and eleven times. Like I met this guy. I met this guy. He did the funniest fucking thing because we went to a professional fishing tournament on time. But he comes up and he goes, You're special. And I said, I am. And he goes, I. I can notice special when I see special old man, I want to do it in his accent, I hope this isn't cultural appropriation.
He's like, there's something I want I see special in a man's eyes and a young boy. I'm no special. And I want you to know that I know you're special. And I got this coin and it says the coin says given to one special person because I made this 20 years ago, and I swear to God, I said when I find the guy that I just think is going to do big things to him and I got it. And I went, Sir, I can't tell how much this means because don't mention it.
But he came and comes up and he goes, you're special. And he pulls another coin out of his pocket. He had twenty coins in his pocket and we watched as he gave them to other people like and we were crying, laughing to watch the response on there. Like I am like that's like all Southern man thing to do, wear it. Like they tell the same story almost a hundred times and then they work on that story. It's the difference in comedy a little bit.
But I know you're saying. The ball, the Laris Southern people are players, but it is a different sense of humor a little bit, it's just like a different rhythm.
But like what I like is a supersmart Southern guy, but they still speak at that pace. Yeah. So it's it's like watching this over here when they trash you, it's like watching this overhand right coming for a minute and you still can't get out of the way and they get you right on the jaw and they just laughing your ass off. I bet I don't know. I've had a really great time touring all the way through college football and all of that shit.
I don't know, do I think it's going to come back? I think I think I think there is something I remember when I got to New York, I felt like everyone was moved. I felt like I jumped into a game of double Dutch and everyone was already knew how to do the double Dutch. And I remember being at the Boston Comedy Club going like everyone so quick, like you couldn't say anything on that front stoop without fucking nine jabs hitting you.
And then you're like, I don't know how to defend myself like, this is it. And I remember someone saying. Welcome to New York and I just thought this feels like Philly, like I remember going to this place called Norristown in Philadelphia where my cousin Abe lived, and it was a predominantly black neighborhood. And his buddy Quartey, who had an amazing influence on me, he had a brother, Dante Duran, like had all different versions of a with a family, the Tay's and things.
OK, I remember Quartey and his friends or maybe his brothers were just doing the dozens and busting my balls, your mamas. And they were like things I couldn't even like. I was like, didn't you make sense? Your mom was so broke she drives a low rider milk truck. And I was like, what? Like nothing. Your mom is your mama's got a spoon taped here and a fork taped here and eats like this. And like you just like I was like, I don't have any of your momma jokes ready.
Like I have none. I just got home. I looked at my mom was like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm moving at Boston Comedy Club, though that was I never I never worked a place like that, ever like that. I'd be terrified, fucking terrified of that place. I used to walk by during the day and just looking at it, my stomach would get nuts because of the the comics were so good. They're. And you had that thing in the back of your head, way in the back, you knew you were going to get in there and you knew you were good enough.
If you just get over this fucking fear and you go in and no one was really overly nice, they weren't mean, but they just were like doing their own thing. And then the people run in the room, Frosty and all of them used to deliberately put you on after Red Johnny in the round guy like Attell, they would they would try and bury you your first time down there. And that was like their big thing because they wanted to see if you had the balls.
To fuckin hang down there, it was like a real. Sort of like a rite of passage with like a little bit of hazing. It's one of those things that you couldn't do it now. No, because people would be out in front of their cell phone. I just want you know, I just came down here to do a spot and they were so mean to me and blah, blah, blah. And all that time, you really couldn't it be considered like a.
A I don't know, like a like just a toxic environment, and it was because I was about to go, it was definitely a toxic environment. It was.
But like, how much what a feeling of accomplishment, though, to somehow get in and actually have a good set, because, dude, there was God there were comics who used to hide uptown. They went down there once or twice, got their balls handed to them and they just said, fuck this and stayed uptown. And I remember there was like, there's always a divide. So when I was first came down in New York, it was like there was sort of this.
The Uptown comics look down on the village comics like these guys are crass, they just say fuck every other word involved. And we were and we did. But the thing was, is we could go up and do their clubs and some of them couldn't come down, not all of them. But there was like that like the most elitist out of all of them were the ones that ate their balls the worst. So they kind of had like this.
You know, sort of attitude, and then somewhere along the line, the rooms sort of took that elitist sort of vibe that Rich really reached its peak in like the 2000s when they just really thought that their. I whatever the fuck they were doing down there, evidently was just so much beyond my dick jokes. I don't know. Remember, I remember seeing I remember when I started, you could go to some of those art rooms, would let you pay five dollars and go on stage like surf reality or collective unconscious.
I loved surfed reality.
I saw some really genius genius out of the box thinkers like dudes who I remember going like, I know nothing's going to happen with this guy, but God damn it, he's a smart dude. I remember seeing a guy when this is I mean, obviously, I think people are going to be outraged by this. This guy was like Altez as fuck the Alz, the artist dude I've ever seen. And he did a set in a Klan outfit. This has got to be ninety nine.
Right. And he came out for and he was wearing a Klan outfit and everyone was shocked and he was like, guys, before I started, I said, you have no idea how hard it was to get this dry cleaned. And and and he did a set with. But it was just like so different. The same guy did a set about traveling to Japan. And experiencing toilets is shot water in your asshole, but this guy was really brilliant, I wish I knew who this guy was, but I can't.
But there was a guy he went on stage in a full Nazi outfit. Yeah. It was like something that is like you could do shit like that. And people understood that he was just fucking around. I remember his jaw. His joke was something like he comes out, says he's like he's like, yeah. They say six million Jews died in the Holocaust. And everyone's like, what the fuck? He goes, Oh yeah. He goes, name one.
Like, what the fuck?
It was like his opening joke. And then he just plowed ahead and it was like, I forget what even like. The vibe of that was and then what's their face used to come through, sharing needles, remember her, whatever the proper name is, it was a guy dressed as a woman.
Yeah, I remember his her stage name was Sharon Needles, and I just remember. I was in the back of the club with Russ Manif, and we didn't know this person and they brought out Please welcome Sharon Needles and it both hit us. And I know we both looked at each other and just started fucking laughing. Yeah. I mean, I already love the act just by the name. And to me that was alternative comedy. And then what happens?
Like anything, it just kind of became like a formula and it kind of got leveled out. But early on, like when I first came in New York in like ninety five, ninety six, there was shit like that going on down during the week at the Boston Comedy Club. And then there was Luna Lounge which became eating it. I can't remember what, but SIRF reality had some really like xrayed, like someone would go up and just do a piece of a one man show of just super toxic crazy characters.
It was fucking wild and it was really like, do you remember Becky Donahue. Yeah, I remember her, Becky Donahue, Becky Donahue was roommates with with Reverend Jenn, who ran SIRF reality right now, Reverend and Becky Donahue came up on this. This joke has made me laugh so hard since I heard it. Just one joke that you never forget. She goes, I, I slept in all day. I haven't done anything all day. And I got out to go get to go down to the bodega.
And I there were feathers from my pillow just sitting on my stomach. And I knew people are going to look at me and go, Oh, we know who you are, chicken fucker.
And he's just like they were really bratty. Stevens I met Brody Stevens at Surf Reality. Brodies first first joke I ever heard him say was popular movie 10 Things I Hate About You. I'd like to start off with 10 things I hate about me. I've got hair on my cock, not at the base halfway up the shaft.
Oh, I think I first met him late night at the Comedy Cellar. It's amazing like how much all of that has changed. Like when you go to the Comedy Cellar now. Like the Comedy Cellar is like a celebrity, it's like famous because it's been in so many TV shows now where before it was like this this thing you had to know about, it was almost like you had to be a kid going to NYU and be hanging in Washington Square Park.
Hey, you know, there's a fucking comedy club around the corner. And there's this guy, Dave Chappelle, who goes out because after a day was like the guy even way back then. Yeah, it's just sort of becoming the cell is still great, but it's like it's just it's like the store. Yeah, the Comedy Store is famous now. Yeah, comedy is sort of wise, and then it went away and then came back like Travolta, it had its first run and then now it's having its Pulp Fiction.
It's Pulp Fiction run.
What do you think about what's going on out in Yellow Springs with Chappelle? Have you been following any of that? I just heard about that, it looks so much fun, Camp Chapell, where it's like Muammer, Michele Wolf, Donna Rollin's and then a bevy of like his hip hop star friends, like Common or or Talib Kweli or like all those. Everyone is just hanging out there doing shows in a field, socially distancing. And then Dunnill cooks every fucking Sunday and has a barbecue and everyone's a Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's footing covid test for everyone. Everyone gets covid just like every day they're getting covid tests. That's crazy. He really has done. Him. I know you're not I know this is not your strong suit to talk about a guy like Chapell, but you have experience with him. You known him for a while. When you see this part of his personality that is really like this, like I'm really going in my own lane. I want to live in Yellow Springs.
I want comedy to be like he really has put a thumbprint on the way. He's decided to not only live his life, but work this business. Like, I don't think he cares a ton about money or celebrity or any of that. Did you see any of that when he was younger? I didn't really get to know him too well until I did this Chappelle's Show, and by then he was like, you know, I mean. He was like huge, so, I mean, I was.
I think when I came to New York, I just sort of stayed to myself was like, I'm just going to try to be funny and get in at these clubs and all of these guys that I'm in awe of. I'm not going to bug them. And if they see me on stage and they like what I'm doing, if they come up and say hello. Or if they talk to me. You know, like Davutoğlu was always nice, Chapell was always nice, I would talk to them, but I had I always had like a respectful.
Sort of a distance thing with all of those guys that like from basically Lewis generation. Yeah. Of comms, because they was just so much better than I was. Nick Apollo, all of those guys call in, all of them, I just thought it was like, all right, these guys are on a whole other fucking level. And I'm just trying to figure out. What bullshit I'm bringing down from the Boston scene that actually works three states away, which wasn't a lot, and so I had sort of a lot of.
Stop to think about, but I definitely was he went on the set of Chappelle, was he? I know this sounds silly and I'm sure I already know the answer, but was he like someone was like, hey, the numbers were up last week. Or like I cared about like it really seems like he does not have a care in life and that he just he seems like such an authentic. And what you said about the scene where it's like all of a sudden you watch everything kind of come become the norm, Peyton does it really well and Sarah does it really well.
And Paul Tompkins, they all do the thing differently. And then all they're all the young kids, the open makers just kind of replicate what they're doing. And then that scene kind of just goes, it's not really that interesting anymore. Same thing with with with the reason those guys started the old scene. Like Maranon them is in David Cross' because they were doing a scene where it seemed like everyone was doing the same thing and they went different. He just seems like Scotsdale.
So they wanted to have a place to stretch out is how it worked. And then they ended up creating a scene where people could start a career, their.
So, yeah, it was you know, it was a cool it was a cool thing. But what Chappelle's doing seems so authentically originally. Him and I go, you know, and then you look at let me take that from the top thinking. How do you feel about Chapell? No, no, but we had we had to edit something out because I just told a secret. But so so, you know, don't worry. Just take the edit out.
Let them guess what we were talking about. It doesn't matter. Just take exactly what we need to be taken out, taken out and we'll go back to it. But it is I think it's suffice to say I'm very impressed with the way Dave Chappelle is running his business. The way you've run your business, the way that you do comedy is so different. Both of you two are so different than the way most comics do it. Most comics think my agent knows the answer, whereas for whatever fucking reason, so many people go, I'm doing it differently.
I'm going to do it my way. And it just I don't know what my question is.
Fuck it. Now I know what you're saying. No, but it's become a business where. Now, you can kind of pick and choose what you want to do, how you want to do it, where you want to live, but when Dave. First got his place and he's been there for like 20 years, I feel like when he did that, that was really unheard of. There was a handful of people. That got to his level and then went back to a home state or a state in the middle of nowhere, like I've got to be honest with you, like if there was a way that I knew how to do this business.
Where I could live in the middle of nowhere, will you would. I see I would miss you guys. That's the thing, I would just miss comics too much and then I'd have to sit there and be like I. I'm either going to go hang with Burt and all those guys this weekend or hang with my kids, I mean, then I'm going to make that fucking decision. I like that my kids and my kid and all my comedian pals all live in the same general area.
But I definitely have a fantasy. A regular house near a lake or on a lake, you know, this year we went to a Clemson game and Death Valley and we stayed in this really cool little house. It was right on this amazing lake that we actually could have taken a boat ride up to the stadium. I was like this really long sort of connection of a bunch of different lakes.
And it was just a pace of life that I haven't experienced since I moved to New York. So I moved to New York in ninety five. So I'm twenty five years of being basically in the rat race, you know, and living in some of the biggest cities in this country and giant fucking airports, LAX and JFK and all of that shit and.
There is something like, you know, there's something, Yukino, there's really something to be learned. From people that live in these so-called East bumfuzzled, it's just like. It's like, all right, so what? So it's easy, fun thought what, because they only have like two movies there as opposed to twenty four and they also don't they don't spend like a significant portion of their lives sitting in fucking traffic. Yeah. Breathing polluted air and shit like that.
Like this. Definitely. And you know the deal dude, if you want your brain to shut off you need a long time and quiet, which is is not something that you can do a lot of the times living in places. Los Angeles, Chicago. L.A., but the excitement of living there. That's the trade tradeoff. You know what I mean? The fact that these amazing bands will come you know, they come to where you live. You don't have to drive six fucking hours to go.
Where would you where would you move? Where if say they say that Falchi comes out right now and says, listen, coronaviruses, I'm going to it's things are going back to normal for another 10 years. No movies, no television, no nothing.
So whatever you got to do, if I don't have to take any of my family into consideration and yeah. Give me that one and give me the other one. Give me both and then I'm going to give you answers. I would. I definitely go back to Boston, I would live outside of Boston in one of those. One of those really cool towns that I don't even know what the names of them are, that like every once in a while going Zillo would be like, look at that fucking beautiful house, what's the name of that town?
And they got this little place where you can get ice cream. They got like a dairy farm, like, I need to do that. And if I wasn't going to go back to Massachusetts, I like Milwaukee and I like Chattanooga, Tennessee, a big Tennessee guy. I can't stand Nashville only because it's like L.A. traffic. It's just fucking there's just too many fucking people like this, there's these really cool towns that everybody knows about and that's where the fuck they go.
So like Milwaukee is Chicago without all the fucking people. Yeah, you can still get a house right on the fucking lake, you can play wait less. And if you want to go to Chicago, I mean, it's not that far right. And plus, I know I like Miller High Life, and they got they got a great cigar bar. They're one of my favorite couple of theaters is there. And then one of my my favorite fucking hotel with the best team in America, the Fister Hotel spelt p f i c.
It's an old family, German family. I know what the fuck it is. Usagi the steam room at the Fister Hotel. I swear to God, the Fister Hotel. It's fucking amazing. And then there's a theater I forget the name of that's right down the street that that's one of the coolest green rooms. It's like a bunch of pinball machines. They cook for you. The people show up to fucking awesome. And I love the Milwaukee Brewers from back in the day when I fell in love with that team in eighty two.
And they made their run and unfortunately lost to Ozzie Smith and the Cardinals. But I loved Robin, not Robin Yount and Ben Ogilvy and Vukovich with that. Sumantra. And I love those uniforms, and George Scott, who is a great Red Sox, also played with them. And we also we did a lot of trade. Cecil Cooper played with us and played with Milwaukee.
So and I miss the winner. Big Ten football. There's a lot to love. Is that with your family? Without. Well, it's super fucking white out there, so, you know, with my wife, I think I'd have to she'd be more towards.
Chicago, I don't know, I don't think she'd want to. I don't think she'd want to live any of those places, really. He likes New York and she likes L.A..
So, so so let's say let's say you had the Monday morning of next week. You had to surprise Neil with a new home in a new city. By the way, I can't even buy a fucking present for my wife. I've just told her now you will never get a present from me. You go get yourself something. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of failing. And you telling me I failed on the day we're supposed to celebrate you.
So if you want something, go get it. I'll be very happy to pay for it.
But she said when she said you failed, what did she say?
Oh, Bill, I got her. She said she said she knew. She told me exactly what she wanted for her birthday. It was her birthday was Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day.
I fucking hate that. You shouldn't even wrap it. And so I'm sending you on an errand. She knows she got Bill.
I listened. It wasn't even that I listened. She said, you know, I'm I'm absolutely loving these tracksuits, these these sweatsuits from because we heard in the girls all matching tracksuits to go on a vacation for the flight. Right. So they were really comfortable. They're called I forget the name of them.
That's a great dad move. Yeah, right. So she says she says, I really love that track. I wish I had another one. She just said that in passing. So I thought Valentine's Day, I'm going to get all my girls a nicer version of these tracks. It's like a nice version. Now, I'm a fan of Velour, so I bought them a la nothing is wrong with velour and I buy out the with the it's one of the most comfortable fucking fabrics out there and more expensive.
So I thought, you know what, I drive down Valentines, I drive down to to, to Venice to get these. I wish I could remember the name of them. They're really great. I go down to Venice, I pick up three different color velour and I and I knew the types that my daughters would like. Like I got a pullover extra large black hoodie, velour with black matching pants, the denim. But and I was like, well, this is perfect for Georgia.
I got a agree that your daughters loved it. Georgia Earth Green. And for LeAnn, I got her a gold. She was always said, don't buy any silver. Silver washes me out. I'm gold. I've always worn gold. So I heard that that's old school memory. So I give her a gold velour tracksuit and she looks and she goes. It's ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life. And I go, Hey, that's not what you say.
When you get a present. When you get a present, you say thank you. But like you said, this is the ugliest thing I see. I just spent the whole day in traffic out. I said I'll never I'm never buying you a present again. She went nuts. Don't upset. No, no, no, no. That this is how that works. When you do something nice for someone and then they shit on it, you don't want to do something nice again.
So I said for in the future, if you want something, by all means, get it for yourself. But you will not catch me spending an hour and a half in traffic on the 405 to get to Venice to get you a present, only to be shit on. And she was like, wow, what was I supposed to say? So was I supposed to just go, Hey, thanks. And yeah, I say thank you. You lie.
Yeah. And then never fucking wear it like all the presidents you've gotten me. That's what you're supposed to say. And so, so like I just I would never be able to predict a place to live for my wife and I wouldn't try ever, ever, ever, like ever. I said, what about Tampa? Of all the women, they're stuck up, bitches. I'm like I grew up with them. They're not that bad. She's like, I couldn't I'm not Tampa, but I'm not Tampa.
It's like far from fuckin Georgia.
What about Georgia? What about Alabama? No, I'm not going to go live with all those. Those are all the people that never I'm not going there. Georgia and she's from Georgia.
And she would not move back to Georgia in a million fucking years. I'm doing I'm doing a show.
And she wasn't born in New Hampshire.
His daughter, Georgia, you imagine banging a chick in New Hampshire after. Oh, Illinois, Cleveland, Cleveland, Cleveland. Where would you buy a house for Nghia if you if you had to on Monday, evacuate L.A. all get new houses, where would you have to get out of it? I got to get out of here.
Yeah, that's a no winner. I'll start. I'll start very easy. Near a beach, does it need to be or near a beach? Definitely has to be near a coast. OK, OK. South and north. East or west. Yeah. Can't be a Trump state. Right. She doesn't need that headache.
All those fucking people screaming and yelling at her as she walks down the street.
It's not that bad.
I was just in Arizona, but yeah. I know what you're saying. Oh yeah.
I love your black experience when you went there. But the fucking area. It's not that bad. I was just in Arizona as the white guy treated me fine.
I was with I was with an Asian family and and we pulled up to a beach and we were like, no one's at the beach. This is great beach in Arizona.
It's an amazing thing.
How did you do that on Lake Havasu? Lake Havasu, you beat we beat our tribe up on a beach and we're sitting there. My daughter's my buddy's wife is Asian. He's Asian, his daughters are Asian. And then we get Orio by two boats with Trump flags on them. And for the first time, I was actually I mean, and I know that not every Trump supporter is racist, but I know that a lot of racist people also happen to think Trump's got a bunch of good ideas.
And so all I'm thinking is one one sideways comment of like, of course, that's why there is just something like go back to your own country. I've never been really sensitive, as sensitive as I was until that moment. So I understand that Nia could feel the same way, seeing flags like that.
But but all I'll say is that both those boats were both very like being here in L.A. where they pretend they're not racist.
Yeah, yeah. I'm not shitting on, you know, it's just it's just one of the things that I've learned is that there's limited options. And people are not thrilled when you when you get outside of cities, if you move in and your family looks a certain way, and that's a fucking real thing that is real and it's funny and everybody acts like it isn't.
But it is so. But what are you going to do? That's how people are. I don't know, I there's a lot of places I love that I would like I'm fascinated with the Redneck Riviera after I, I read this Ken Stabler autobiography.
Yeah, Ken Stabler. So I've been wanting to talk to you about Ken Stabler for fucking three weeks.
All right. Let's talk about Ken Stabler now. The Holy Roller.
I'm obsessed with Ken Stabler dodgin Dan Doujin Don, like all those old school scramblers they made Don Meredith.
Was it was he. No, that was Roger, the Dodger junior Dodger. I'm sorry. You're right.
I just got back. Kenny was the snake.
Jim McMahon wasn't too much of a scrambler, but he made the game fun. Those quarterbacks, I believe, are the predecessor to what we're seeing now with with black quarterbacks, where the game is changed entirely. They were talking about an offense that was established.
I'll get you the guy. I'll get you the guy. Right now, I just spaced on his name, Denver Broncos.
Denver Broncos first black quarterback. There you go. Here we go, Marlin Briscoe, that's the guy you want to watch. You watch Marlin Briscoe in the late 60s. You see the NFL today. And it's fucking great, and they you know, he was basically the he was a quarterback in college, he came to the pros, they said, we're going to make you a wide receiver. He said, no, give me a chance. It's a fucking movie that somebody made a documentary about it.
So they made him like third or fourth fucking string behind like a punter or something to become quarterback. And as luck would have it, you know, everybody got injured. So they put him in and he had like two or three, three hundred yard gains. He was fucking running down the field. He was two minute offense. And there was again. And what the fuck to do with this guy?
You're right. And then the next year, they drafted some high touted white quarterback, never got an opportunity. And then he became a wide receiver. I have his football card from nineteen seventy two when he was on the bills playing wide receiver, probably with a young Joe Ferguson, if my memory is right.
So Marlin Briscoe was the first guy that's the guy that showed that really showed the future of the NFL.
And you know, they didn't think black quarterbacks are smart enough. They didn't like that they ran around. I mean, even Doug Flutie career suffered tremendously because they could they they couldn't handle that. He ran around. They wanted him to stand in the pocket. He couldn't see and he would roll out. But the guy was a winner. He won in college. He won in the CFL. He came to the NFL and he won then to. Can of the snake, you know, Bill, I read the paperback version of that, I'm obsessed with this because there's a part of this and this is a little bit of a stretch.
But where he played like his personality was in real life, you know. Yeah. Like, I love those guys. And it's like the Brett Forbes were. He who he was on the field, it could it just permeated everything. Well, how about Alabama? They had Joe Namath and then Ken Stabler, like two of the great greatest quarterbacks of all time and two, like the greatest personalities and fun guys. Did you ever see that that whole thing on when John Joe Namath had a bar with Mickey Mantle and somebody else, I believe?
That was three. And there was too many like mob guys hanging around and they're worried about gambling and that type of shit and them getting in their ears, that they made him shut it down. And Joe Namath said, well, fuck it, then I'm going to retire. It was this big thing during the off season. Like, he just stuck to his guns, he's like, no, it's not right, this is outside of football. But I totally understand.
Pete Rozelle was right. He was right because of what happened with baseball in the White Sox in nineteen nineteen. And it was the White Sox. I hate that they called the Black Sox because for the longest time I thought that that was a team that dead folded afterwards. It's like, no, it's the fucking White Sox. They did that.
Pete Rose get into the Hall of Fame. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely, but the fact he has no one to blame but himself, yeah, he came clean and he was just had his hat in his hand. I remember he finally came clean. I gambled on baseball. Now let me in the hall and it's just like.
But that guy, I met him when he was signing like autographs and stuff, and he was just like so fucking into baseball. He loved it and everything. You just fucked up yet yet. But I definitely think he paid the price. I understand why they gave him the death penalty is because that's the number one rule that they say do not break this. This almost took down baseball early on. You just can't fucking have it. And they had to make such an example of him.
And then it also didn't hurt that the commissioner. Jamadi passed away after it. And it was sort of like it was really fresh, I believe, the suspension, so I think Commissioners' after were afraid to go back against that because it was the wishes of a dying commissioner who they all respected. So I don't know.
But I think at this point he's paid the price. It would be I think it would be vindictive of baseball to wait till after he died. They made their point. You know what I mean, and I think that you're going back at this point. 30 something years was like nineteen eighty nine, thirty one years, Jesus, far as I know, nobody's got busted doing it again. I think everybody has saw what happened to him. You know, the greatest of all time, and he's arguably and he certainly has the stats, but now he's got to sit outside like a fucking casino, selling autographs.
I think people like I. You know, I believe in forgiving somebody. You know, let them try to put their life back together, had a whole conversation about trust, about trust and breaking trust and punishment and reward. A just as a parent, what are we talking about as a parent, I can't talk about it, but yeah, I had to have an adult because, you know, loose lips earlier in the I've been bite my tongue all fucking day.
I had a rough fucking week, Bill. I can tell. I just I just noticed that. I just noticed that you seem like life kind of kicked your ass this week, life kicked my ass. I live my life dealt me one where I woke up this morning going literally thought, I don't know if I can do a podcast this week. And and I got to be honest, the man, this got my mind off it and I'm so much happier.
So thank you for this.
Oh, good. Good. Well, yes. Part of being a husband and a father is at some point, you have to give up on the hope of appreciation, you have to find the humor.
You know what you are, you're basically on a sitcom, you have a living room. You guys all gather and then you're on a sitcom. You basically created your own sitcom and you are not the star of the show.
Now, that's it. OK, it's the Sybil Shepherd show mixed with a bunch of articles.
And you're that guy is going to get written out. There's been a great episode. Man, thank you for doing this. I literally I was in a shit fucking mood and I and I giggled. You know, people always say, like, you know, comedy, like try to take down comedy. And I tell you right now, laughter can definitely get your mind off shit. And if it did not for anyone this episode, I am as appreciative as they are for this podcast.
Yeah, hey, hey, hang in there, man, it's going to come around, I guarantee you your wife feels bad. She's going to although, you know, I don't know. I'm so fucking jaded, I don't even know if they feel bad is as much as they can't she can't handle that. You have control right now.
Oh, it's it's it's it's not even that. It's you know what it was. It's a combination of a few things. I'll share one thing with you. I posted on Instagram today.
Oh, yes. Yes, you did. I don't want to get you in trouble here. No, no, no, no, no. We had a rough we had a rough family week with some stuff. And then at the end of our trip, we found out we had to put down Priscilla.
And so we drove home that one of your kids had to go for the job. It was just easy.
Now it's our bullmastiff. And so we put down yesterday and it was been and so just bad. It's the first time I ever done something like that. And as a father, look at your kids hurting and and then and then you hurt.
And it just and I literally out of curiosity, how old were your kids when you got the dog? We got the dog nine years ago. Georgia was for all of us, two and three, four and three, because, yeah, my daughter wants a dog or bill.
So I'm sitting there going like, all right, I'll get a dog, but I have to time it out where when it dies, you're going to be able to emotionally handle it. Like you can't get a bulldog when you kids one.
I wish I had thought that far ahead. Getting a bull mastiff. They only live ten years max. Right. So we got nine years out of her, which is more than enough. She had five knee surgeries but out. I know.
And I went over. That was a great dog. What I loved about those big dogs is that thanks. It's a small dog. It just comes over and just plops down in your lap.
And when you talked about that yesterday, we talked about when you came over and she was call her Teacup Bullmastiff because she didn't know she was that big. And she came over. We were doing a podcast and she just sat in your lap and I go, Brazillian, you go, no, no, no, let her do it. It's fine. I don't mind. And then I got that great picture. You and Priscilla. Yeah, I mean, it it was a rough fucking day.
It was a really rough day. And and but and I woke up this morning, I was like I said, I got a I don't know if I can podcast I like and whoever we all have been crying for like twenty four hours. And then and then we started and I felt fucking great. And so and I and I really honestly I thought to myself this morning I went, this is what podcasting comedy or about is to get your mind off the bad stuff going on in your life and get your head out of your ass and just giggle.
And I did. So thank you. All right.
Now, you got me thinking about what I had to give away my dog. All right, this is just going to become a look at and a light went out. The light went out. The light went out. All right. I think that's it. Well, I'm so sorry about your dog. I hope you guys get past that. Get another one next week.
Next week. I'm getting a puppy. Fuck this. I don't like bad feelings, Bill. That's what you guys do.
You got to get that rebound dog. The dog said they're going. I think they love me. But there's something weird going on here.
They really are familiar with the name Priscila. Why I. You call me. Yeah, that's how we always did it.
A dog died and then two days later there was another dog. Yeah. Yeah. I get forty eight hours cry about it in your bed at night just doing that shit and then like yeah. And that was fucking out. We had dogs, we give them the same fucking name. The second Mike. Mike the second Mike the third. And then they were all the exact same breed. You couldn't even keep track of them. It was like that Sam Rockwell movie Moon.
Well, they just bring another guy in.
All right. Well, sorry about the dog. Sorry to everybody out there. You lost a pet. It's fucking brutal. A lot of ways. Sometimes it's worse than losing a family member. It's fucked up. Is that is. Yeah.
All right. That's this has been another episode of the bill.
Worked on bass.