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Camera's not on me clapping, clapping Hello? Why won't it go to me? It's on you now. It's on me. OK, now is back on merit.
Hey, what's going on, everybody? It's Bellbird.
It's time for another wonderful edition of the Bill Burt Pod Cast Cast. Yes. How are you cast?
When so when are you leaving to move to Texas? Bill, everyone's moving. Is everybody moving? Everyone is fucking moving, everyone is moving, who's moving? Joey Diaz is moving to New Jersey. He's ending his podcast. He's ending your churches. What's happening now? I just read an article saying they're done. I mean, I've got confirmations at two other dudes are moving Rogan's move, but that's everybody, man. Three comics are moving. They might as well turn out the lights out here.
Yeah, right. But I'm not moving. How do you feel about taxes, Bill, because it seems like they want to crank up our taxes to 16 percent. Are you one of those people that goes like, well, that's my duty as I pay the taxes? Are you one of those people that goes how do I get out of paying taxes? Now, I just pay him and I you know, I wish. I would say that if Hollywood wasn't out here and then I was in a different state, but the reality is, is if Hollywood was in Texas or in Florida.
The amount of people in Hollywood that trashed Trump, he would have gone after that state, I mean, he fought this whole state that is as long as like from New York City down to South Carolina because of this much of L.A. And that's what a lot of people don't understand, is that L.A. is like you near the Hollywood sign. And it's just like, oh, my God, transgender bathrooms. You go 20 miles down to fucking Orange County and you're at a neo-Nazi fucking meeting.
It's like this. What is in how big this state is? You've got to from the Mexican border to murder mountain up in Eureka, you got like San Francisco, the way it used to be, all liberal and everything. And then you go a little bit in Sacramento, completely different. Just Fresno.
Every behind the scenes gang thing I've ever seen is always seem somehow you end up in Fresno with that guy, with the distorted voice. Like last time I did I did stand up there. I just kept doing that voice. You know, if they always got that thing, they always like showing the guy's face.
Yeah, well, my favorite thing was they black out the face, but they just they don't distort the voice. Like, if I don't see your face and you just start talking, I'm not like, gee, who is that? Yeah, I know that voice. Where can I play it? I tried to write a sketch one time, I was I was the tornado came through Atlanta and it just destroyed Atlanta and I was stuck in my hotel because it had just devastated the downtown.
And I was trying to do a sketch where I had set it up. So my face was blacked out. But I had I had a very distinct like the stories I were telling everyone could tell, oh, this is who it was. And then someone like I was like I kept trying to think of like a very like, this is not Joey the nose. But then when you turned, you just saw a big nose. You're like, oh, it's Joey, the fucking nose, you know?
So I was trying to sketch show a long time ago.
They did one where they had like the black circle where they would just edit this black circle and the guy dropped his hand and he reached down to get it. And you saw his face and he went behind. And then we talked for two more seconds and then he got shot and he died, which is funny. But if you think about it, it's just like, well, because he went there and they then knew where the hotel room was.
It didn't quite make sense. But it was it was still funny, though. The yeah, I, I, I think I think it sucks that the taxes are that high, but my dad's always been one of those guys because this is your your obligation as an American is to pay taxes. You don't try to get out of it. You don't try to fucking swindle them. You pay your taxes, you do your fucking work. Cash tax.
That's always been my window. The swindler's. I mean, look, if I. I don't know if if I understand certain people that are just making crazy, crazy amounts of money to not. I mean, I've I've known a few guys like, I don't know, I don't want to do that. I don't want to get involved in that. But I'm trying to figure out how to say this. But it's just like one of those things where it's just like if you're going to get a bunch of cash in whatever business you're in know, then there's a few states that if you move there, we're back in the day, you just have a P.O. box and you were fine.
But now that you've got to be like be there taking selfies, you know that you're there and. Yeah, I know people that are writing out contracts in states they don't want to be in. To keep as much of their money as they can. Have you ever looked into how to have an offshore account, how that works? No, fascinate. Well, what these you know, they say this guy makes at one point two billion a year and you pay zero dollars in taxes, the easy way to explain it, especially if I'm explaining, is basically you start a fake a fake company.
In an island that I'm in the Caribbeans or whatever, we're basically the IRS has no jurisdiction. And then what you have is wherever whatever you're doing, that company builds you for all the money that you made or you work for them. So all your money's there. But the IRS over the years has been able to start chasing these companies, but then what you do is then you create another company. And that company builds that first company and you just start doing that all around the Caribbean or whatever, all these islands and countries, so with each time the IRS has to knock on the door, the government, hey, you got to help us out a problem, but you just make it so much red tape.
And with each one of those places, you go to your peeling off a little bit of money to that country for their corrupt people. And you just go all the way around. And then the last company. Gives you money in the form of a loan which is not taxable, that you're allegedly going to pay back and then the company then forgives the loan. And then that's how you can you don't still keep all your money because you've got to bribe people as you go through, but then the last one, the money that was initially in your hand and went all the way around the world comes back in the form of a loan which is not taxable.
And then you don't have to hide your money and you can write in plain sight, have this giant out in the Hamptons house with cars and cocaine and cocaine. But you know what I mean, all of that type of shit. And that's basically what they do. And considering the whole thing is like a Ponzi scheme.
But we're all we've all bought into it, it is funny to me when they go after the people that are like, can you believe that cheating these cheaters?
I can't believe these lying pieces of shit lying to these lying pieces of shit. I mean, but. Some of the money that these line pieces of shit. Take does go to fixing the roads and stuff, and I don't think any of it goes to the public schools, it seems so, but like that just becomes this whole thing where, like, I would rather just get fucked so I can sleep at night. You know what I mean?
I can't believe I took all of this money. What the fuck?
But I don't have the the gangsta gene where I can just sit. Yeah. Come and get me. It's all fuckin legal, you know.
Yeah. Oh I don't get I'll be up at night. Yeah. I would rather be able to sleep at night so I just. You know, the end of the year, I just have I pay quarterly, and no matter what I give them, they still at the end of the year, got to come in and just ruin my fucking Christmas. And I go down there and I just I say every curse word. I can just sign the check and I go, I'll fucking take it your fucking.
What do you do with this, you're going to be happier than me. So, yeah, so so then it's crazy because I think.
Not a lot of people. How many people do you think are working in America right now? A lot. So not as many. I mean, we're on the road right now doing the tour drive in movie theaters. We were in Amarillo. No one business has not changed at all. No one was wearing masks when we saw it. It was like insane. And like people just working at a Wal-Mart. No mask. I was like, fucking insane.
I was I didn't see that the guys did. But to see who's not working then, is it just us? No, it's no people.
There's definitely people that are are laid off. But like know like there's a bunch of jobs that got lost. But a lot of my a lot of people, we've just sort of learned how to work from home. And there's a lot of businesses, thank God, so the whole thing didn't collapse, have been able. To work from home and or do like those little pod things of quarantining, so. You know, the fact that the banks aren't going to give you a break really makes people feel like they're going to keep the flame lit under your ass.
To work, so what I'm wondering about them is this is like the first like this is going to be like everybody's going to lose, so they're going to lose money to. It's a I know the whole thing is just really. It's really scary, but I'm glad that people have been resourceful and figured out ways to make money, but like, I'm not excited by how many small businesses are going to go away forever. But that did happen in the Great Depression and new stuff came back.
I mean, I know my grandparents lost their dry cleaning business and then they started it up again after the Depression and World War Two wiped it out. And then they started it up a third time and then they hit pay dirt. And it was just like. I mean, that's. That's life, man sucks this fascinating, like this like really this year it's. You know, I'm really trying to figure out a way how to do a show because like anybody else, I have a mortgage and I was smart with my money, but I didn't I don't have money to never work again.
You know what I mean? So it's like. You know, I have to get back out. I also have to like I can't like not to stand up so long that I forget how to do it. So what's what's your perimeter's about doing a show live.
You I heard you talking that no way anybody can get infected because it can't just be. Well, I'm safe. My thing has to be that to things like the crowd can't there's no way for them to get sick unless they go out of their way and be idiots. And number two, there has to be a certain level of quality of the show like. You know, I was just talking to somebody, I was doing the king of Staten Island DVD, Blu ray is coming out with a bunch of extra scenes, deleted scenes and shit.
And I was just doing a whole little hour long press call about that. And one of the last people I talked to said they went to a virtual reality show or whatever, whatever the hell you call the zoom show, Zoom shows and was talking about how the comedians could see his face in order to do that, like basketball games.
And you're, like trying to make a foul shot. Yeah.
I mean, I just think be the weirdest thing of, like, a person setting that they go, yeah, what's up with your family? Your house sucks.
It's like way more personal.
So I think it sucks. Yeah. I don't think I'm going to do a dumb thing. I'm going to go out and be live in front of people if.
If there's a way to do it, there is a way, there's lots of ways, there are lots of ways to do it. And I think other people are coming up with other ideas that I'm hearing about where I go. Well, that seems the the my biggest problem, one of my biggest problems are No. One, you cannot control. Americans are going to behave whatever they want to behave like you, can't you? It's the whole problem with comedy clubs spacing it and saying these are half full rooms.
Well, you may see them the way you want them seated, but they're going to fucking move wherever the fuck they want to move. And and that's the problem.
Yeah, it's it's ignorance meets arrogance. It's just like I don't know what point they're trying to prove. People on both sides have died. I just don't I don't get it. But I am really starting to buy into this. This thing that our enemies are trolling us on social media and dividing us because the fact that we can't get on the same page with a virus, which is a really bad thing, and I saw this guy was trying to bring this up on tick go going, you shouldn't be on tick tock that's owned by the Chinese government or something crazy like that.
And then just some me boomer alert. And it's like, well, there goes that point.
No, everything you used is pretty much made in China. You know, like that type of shit, and it's it's like, guys, we are at each other's fucking throats. Yeah, which.
Oh my God. The continuing saga. That's stupid Elian story, when when when the celebrities came out to defend her, did the shit that regular people were saying, it's like, how do you guys not see that you're the ones acting like what you're saying? These people are acting like like the fucking the rudeness. I'm going to listen to this guy who did a talk show one time live at sea, SeaWorld, the way they treat those fucking whales.
And it's just like, dude, who can fucking.
No one can survive a vetting. No, no, no, no, no, nobody can. It's like you only have to go so far back to find a mistake. You'll have to go so far back to find hypocrisy, you know, like this at this fucking point. I mean, obviously, you know what I mean? You know, like the big shit, like raping somebody. I mean, most people you go back is not going to find that.
I get that you have this fucking bullshit now where you're just going to go off. I main people.
That's that's what they want. Well, wait a second. Yeah, I don't I never understood. I don't I never understood what Ellen did, other than maybe she's just an ultimate bitch on set. She doesn't like to hang out. I don't know. I've never seen her. A friend of mine said the greatest thing about that whole don't talk to me, don't look at me. They say it's called conserving energy. I got to do five of these a day and.
If you heard the amount of people that are just going to talk to you just so they can talk to you, to say that they talk to you to try and move their way up the ranks, I can't say this guy. I'm not going to say the person's name. But I heard on one of my my mentors that I did that this famous musician, he had the best. Way of handling this here, he would wear a hoodie backstage and if the hoodie was up and men don't talk to me, I'm getting in my zone, I'm wiped out from the road.
If the hoodie was down, you could come up and talk to him. So then he didn't have to be rude or anything. People didn't have to get into their feelings that we could come walking in. And he saw the hoodie. You left him alone. And I don't think that people understand that. It's the same people that will trash you if you have a bad show that it's just like, listen, man, if I'm starting to feel sick, if I'm just fucking burned out.
And I just need to be quiet so I can go out there and make sure these people have spent their hard earned money, laugh their asses off and feel like they got their money's worth. You know, and if the sacrifices, I'm not going to talk to you. About how I'm enjoying Columbus. Then then so be it. That doesn't mean one hundred percent that I'm a dick. Yeah, it's when I go, do you know who I am?
You talk to me, then you're a dick. But it's like, hey, I'm fucking in the middle of a and I'm fucking exhausted. And I would just like to just sit here. With my breadsticks and silence before I fucking go back out here, I have a splitting headache, a meeting like shit, if I have one more Kassidy, I miss my family. I would like to have some alone time. I don't think that that makes you a.
A dick and I can't imagine, like if you do a show like hers, the amount of questions that need to be answered every fucking day, you have to insulate yourself and the way to survive and to keep your battery life up where it needs to be. You have to do a little bit of of that type of shit. And the people always talk about how much this person on the stage changes, but they don't address how they change where it's just like all of a sudden people who weren't interested in talking to you are way more interested.
Because they want to get they want to pitch something, they want to get something from you. So, I mean, I don't know, I've. I've worked for many people before. I don't think that they should lose their job and there's no way I would go talking about it on social media.
Do you think that one was a joke, that guy, was that just somebody making fun of the whole thing? What was I said when I was 11 years old, it was like 40 years ago. The guy's like 50 to Elvis was mean to me in New Orleans.
She said I was fat and made fun of my shirt is something that had to be a joke.
It had to be. But they were reporting it at least the way it was sent to me, as though it was real. It was like that. Yeah. That had to be a joke, right? Yeah.
They fired all their all the executive producers, I guess for some of them for, you know, what's so funny is like sometimes an innocuous joke. In the knock, knock, knocking was means means like a bullshit joke, like something that just is like. Apparently there were two black chicks that worked there that day that the one guy was like had a hard time. It would mix up their names. And then I think what I think people do understand sometimes and that guy takes that joke and that becomes his running joke, but he doesn't realize it's dehumanizing to people, you know, that every day is like, hey, I got the first time you didn't you couldn't tell us apart.
But we are people and I am a different person and are not just we are the only two black chicks. We both have an upbraids. Let's not just make this a running gag. I think sometimes with white guys, especially older white guys that are in charge, I think it's I think lighting up shit like that, good lighting up the guy goes up to the fucking Christmas party is like, hey, who's going to suck my dick in the bathroom?
You know, that's good.
But just you can't just take I think his intent is this not just as that guy is if he's not aware that what he's doing makes those two people feel that way, OK, then if there should be something where it can be communicated and then at that point, if he keeps doing it, then he's an asshole. There you go. So was it omnipotent?
Is that the thing where you have to understand how everything you do affects everybody? There is also another side of it where the locker room breaking balls thing makes the day go by faster. And when I was growing up, there was the guy who couldn't take it. And then if you could take it, you were a good shit and then you were fine and you actually got less shit. But if you couldn't take it, then you became like a target.
So you had to be and everybody had different techniques. I'm going to be funnier than you. I'm going to get you before you get me. I'm going to just start making fun of myself. I'm just going to agree with you. There was a zillion ways. To to keep it moving, not ruin people's fun, but like protect yourself and I mean, I don't know. I mean, I guess I don't know. I guess I mean, I'm an old white guy, so maybe maybe I'm part of the problem.
Do I need to set out a fucking podcast here?
No, no, please. The I definitely know that.
First for me, there are times where I just feel that like like I was in I was in a I was in a booth of a recording booth with Eddie Eddie Pense. Eddie Pense is married to Megan, Melanie Mulrooney. That by these politicians, Eddie, I want to say to Eddie pens and other comics to comics, a maroney's fucking hilarious so that the friends with Toss right and so on. I know I'm fucking Eddie got Eddie Gossling. Ryan Gosling's brother, is it not, God damn it?
My point is I was heartened by what this clip is the greatest story ever told.
I was I was harping on Eddie. I know his name is Eddie. I was harping on Eddie's cabs. He had really big cabs. We were in a sound booth recording something together. And I kept joking about his cabs like, God damn it, those are big fucking cabs. That's the biggest cat I've ever seen in my life. Those cabs are fucking ridiculous. I'm going on and on. And Tosches in the other room crying, laughing. And I think he's laughing at me busting Eddie's balls for having big cabs.
And Eddie is just going, I have big gaps. I have big gaps. Yeah, I know. I get a lot of people have big gaps. I don't know. You're understaffed. Never seen a character like that in my fucking life. And then Tosk gets on the microphone and goes, Burt, Eddie used to be 400 pounds. And I went. Oh, that's why you have big caps like, yeah, I don't like talking about it, we just do the fucking but I'm oblivious.
I'm just busting his balls at his cancer because it was like he was carrying a weighted vest around for his whole fucking life.
He had been carrying around four hundred pounds. So his calves just turned into these fucking massive imeem bill. If you saw his calves, you'd be like, what do you know?
Some of that's genetic, though. He must have had he was already going to have big carbs and fat people have big calves, big fucking. And if you lose that, don't lose that right now.
Fat people's cat people have it, said Snork, have their hands.
What a man's big cap says about his health. That people have totally ripped Cavs building fat guy Cavs, what men's calf size muscle says about their health? Let's find what that means.
But yeah, what does a scientist believe? That calf muscle size is largely determined by genetics, but that hasn't stopped men from doubling down on leg day workouts.
Oh, thinking that they can make a bigger as it turns out, that this is simple, that there might be, if not fatal, poorly considered big calves, lower stroke risk. That's bullshit. I had a buddy of mine had huge cats, he died of a struggle for, you know, I have I have beautiful cats like for a woman, but I don't have good cats for a man. All right, I'm going to take your word for it, if you shaved my legs, I would have prettier legs than my wife.
Take your word for it without a fucking doubt. OK, I would love to have bigger legs.
I've been doing squats with kettlebell. Try to get bigger legs. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Everything to do with, like a fucking huge ass. Like just like just like a fucking chunk of an ass like God damn it. How do you get pants on. All right, you've been on the road for a minute. So where is this the weirdest conversation I've ever seen in my life? I mean, I've seen a guy with, like, big, big hips, like, that's the funniest thing here.
Bill Clinton would get fat. He had those wide mother and hips you go running with those short shorts in the milk thighs. It was fucking hilarious.
Uh. I was always wished I was a large man, like I had a friend, Ryan Carson, who just was fucking large, like his his thighs were like, this is like but he was ripped. He was in great shape. He was a shot putter for the track team, but he had like the biggest ass and just huge everything. Everything was fucking huge. And I remember thinking, I want to be like that. I was like, I can never be like that.
I'm going to be my size. I'm going to be regular size man my whole life. I'm never going to be like God, you obviously Bert's arms or fucking like, oh, no, no one's ever going to say that you don't do the work.
But I believe I've been doing a lot of weight lifting lately. OK, yeah, what are you doing in the kitchen, the. Yeah, you can't be melting heath bars into fucking whatever the hell it is you're telling me you're doing do there's no reason why you couldn't get jacked. I know. I got a personal trainer. It could happen. I'm going. You'd have to put a shirt on all these fatties that love you that make themselves feel OK.
And now you come out. Oh, man. And I know a couple of fat guys that have lost weight. There's this whole bully fat fucking crowd on social media that shames you for getting in shape. Yeah, sold out is what they say. Fuck, yeah. They like that townies.
You know, I was supposed to hang out at a bar. They stare like a fucking brunch counter.
I would love to be fucking ripped on stage, take my shirt off and just hear the gasp. Oh my God, what happened.
And I'm just fucking done. We if we didn't we didn't video this thing. Yeah. You would have had time from March till now if you were a perfect I mean, perfect.
I'm going. Listen, Bill, right now I'm going into Macon, Georgia for a month. I'm living in a hotel. Everything's everything's in a bubble. Right. I'm the for one month. No booze. No no weed. I'm going to eat clean as fuck and make out in Macon, Georgia.
Macon, Georgia. You're going to eat clean. How are you going to clean and make everything's in the bubble, everything's in the bubble where everyone's living in one hotel, so they're all sending everything chef prepared to tell them, I'm going I'm going to call you, OK? OK, yeah.
I'm thinking about telling them I'm a vegetarian. Start off their right. Go go vegetarian for a few days.
He should get a nutritionist and then have the nutritionist tell you what, the chef should prepare because I got a nutritionist socked nutritionists, it's they're less about losing weight and more about eating healthy.
Like, I remember our nutritionist, she was like, all right, first thing you want to do right when you wake up, either Bullough, eat a bowl of oatmeal. And I was like, aren't those carbs? She was like, yeah. I was like, hold on. I was always told no carbs. And she was like, no, my whole body fucking idiots on the whatever beach diet.
Nothing wrong with carbs, dude. There's nothing wrong. Listen, like I know everything, but just get a fucking nutritionist because it's their job to sift through all of this fucking shit. The amount of fucking guys I've seen going like drinking chocolate shakes or eating a chocolate bar trying to tell me this is like I'm losing weight. But it's like, dude, what is in that? Yeah. What are you drinking?
A chocolate shake and you're losing weight. I mean, like all of those those fad diets. I got a nutritionist, a really good friend of mine, hooked me up with this person a few years ago, and I've been able to keep the weight off just by just once I did the diet and just sort of being on it. I'm always on it. But, you know. So how did you when you how did you get the weight off?
Because that's once you get the weight off, then you can maintain it. But that actually getting the weight off, that's got to sting for it to work. Well, what was amazing was it came off just through eating because I started doing it when covid was like two weeks away and then I just kept doing the diet and and it all came off. And then once it came off and I was down to where I wanted to be, you know, I haven't been eaten as well.
And then that's then a little bit of it came back, but only a little bit. So I just keep going back to that. And like 80 percent of my day is the diet and I still work out as much as I can. I just do the at home workout. But if I had like an elliptical, if I had access to a fucking elliptical, which I refused to buy one of those goddamn things, I'm not buying this big gym equipment.
I love my garage.
I love should be in the garage. Bill's gym equipment put on an elliptical in the garage. Now your wife's in the garage. You just want guy shit in a garage, an elliptical, it's not man shit. She wants me to get an elliptical, she'll have an excuse to go out into the one part of the house that's mine, that's mine. You got everything else with all the fucking throw pillows on it that I never wanted to have in the garage.
Now, don't ever do that. Oh, that's great. No, I got I got I got the best fucking treadmill in the world, I'm going to miss it. Is it going away to college? No, I'm I'm on the road now for two months. Oh, I won't be back in L.A. for two months. Maybe I shouldn't say that, all right, at home, you just wrote doggin like, OK, it's an election year, it is an election year.
Are you running for office?
But I have no, these drive ins are fun as fuck. So I booked a bunch more. And then we've added shows and we're doing two nights in Cape Cod. I can't wait to make it into a documentary. I have been definitely shooting the footage.
It's been really hard. One of the hardest times for me as a comedian, because this is a thing you can't just make a documentary about. We went out here and it was fucking fun and we had a great time. It has to be an arc that has to be you've got to have Bobby Kelly go out there and blow out his ACL like something dramatic has to happen. Oh, man, no, that is that was the fucking what did you did you watch it?
Because I just knew the pain that he was in and everything, and I just want I didn't want to see. But then it was just the audio. I think Dane brought in the audio.
So I listen to that. Invite in the reeds, oh, what have we got, we got you got your new favorite thing, I was sucking these down watching a thunderstorm roll in to Amarillo, Texas, over a lake bill.
It is so cold and so refreshing. I want to call them to Zipper's because I swear to God, they're so good. I feel like you feel like you're drinking like soda water. I don't taste any alcohol in it, to be honest with you.
Oh, yeah. What flavors that one, this one is strawberry. I was drinking strawberries last night the whole time. I can't tell you. Can I tell you one thing I love about these is the size of the camp. The size of the can is the perfect size for it not to get warm on a hot summer day when you're out on the lake. Bill, do you know what I'm talking about?
I mean, I notice the shape of the camper. I think that's the shape you want your body to be. I think if you drink those, you're not going to look like a regular beer can. You're going to be all tall and svelte with the shirt off.
But you got that right because there's only one hundred calories with one gram of sugar, four different flavors. We've got mango, strawberry, black cherry and lemon lime. It's so much easier. Oh, I keep them in a cooler in the back of the bus with just ice. They are ice cold when they come out. I love vodka and soda. I've been loving baking soda, but them setting it up for me in a camp, it's they've done all the work.
I don't have to go make a drink. I just go, Hey Bud Light Seltzer Pam. And it's the best bill. Oh great.
I'm glad you're enjoying them as I sit here, stone sober going, why didn't they have those when I used to drink. But anyways, now I'm going to be the little dad here. Drink responsibly everybody. Yes, I'll be like bird puke all over the lake. Drink responsibly, clean everyone line here.
I'm supposed to say that.
Please, everybody enjoy responsibly. Anheuser-Busch, St. Louis, Missouri. You can get this delivered right to your door or find a retailer near you at Bud Light dotcom backslash delivery. Pick it up your local neighborhood, groceries, a convenience store, liquor store, I'm telling you, really adds a little as an exclamation point to the summer. Right? We get it. They're delicious.
These are unquestionably good. All right.
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That's promo code Bellbird to get a free shot at one million dollars with your own with your first deposit. Only a draft Kings minimum five dollar deposit required eligibility restrictions apply. See Draft Kings dot com for details. Yeah, I remember watching tourism live like not live, but like I remember watching it when the night it aired and being like, holy shit. I mean, Dan was an interesting guy to have in this business because we're all roughly the same age.
But to watch him. I remember him getting on a private jet, I was like that can Comics' can get on private jets, but not happening at least to anybody for generations, I feel.
Yeah, he was the first. He was the first. You know, it's changed so much comedy, because when I started when I started, I didn't even know guys did clubs that much like the way we do them now. Like, everyone's out out fucking 40 weeks a year doing clubs. I didn't even know people had clubs. I didn't know David did clubs. I thought the goal was to get a development deal. And then when I heard Dane was doing clubs, I was like, wait, what there is doing clubs.
I remember there was like the last stop and then there were no theater aspect of me getting into this business was all about going on the road.
Just road doggin for real. Well, then up your following. Yeah. All of those stories you see Sam Kinison and the Outlaws and Bill Hicks going around.
And then when I finally started doing the road, Stan Hope and Mitch Hedberg, all of those guys, the legendary guys like John Fox just.
Just out there. When did you start? When did you start doing like like the Omaha Funnybone or Des Moines Funnybone or any of the Funnybone? What was that like in the early 2000s, late 90s?
I started, didn't sell any tickets, lost my agent, my manager and everything, and then had to rebuild it back up. And then the early 2000s. I got with the Steinberg's and they knew some people, and then I got with Mike Berkowitz and then ever since then. You know, but when I did when I got with Berkowitz, like. I wasn't I wasn't an improv guy, I like an improv guy was like. Famous, like the headliners, had a degree of fame and I didn't have any of that, so I wasn't going to sell any tickets and they weren't going to build me, they were like, go to these other clubs that aren't improvs, which may not think they said that.
It's just they just had enough and said, why am I gonna waste my time building you when I have two hundred comics that could fill this room and I only have 50 to weekends, so. I did all these cool clubs like Capsid Comedy Club and Skyline Cafe Club Polarities in Cleveland.
Those are all fucking see, I got put into the other system I can get my wallet at.
The punch line was huge for me. Molly was the best. Molly is the best. She really is one of the one of the best. Yeah. The show. What was it like when you decided to make the jump to theaters? Do your agents like go? We want you to do theaters. And we were like, hey, I'm making good money in the clubs. I don't want to fuck with it. Were you like, I'm ready?
No, my my agent, Mike Berkowitz, said, like, I want to do a theater in New Jersey and I was like, I don't know, dude. And he goes, come on. He goes, you just sold out six shows. Two hundred and fifty people. That's this is a twelve hundred seater. You sold almost fifteen hundred in the comedy club. I was like, yeah but that was like four different nights because that's the thing that you think.
All right, I'm selling out this comedy club. I sold a thousand tickets. Next time I come here I, I'll go to a thousand theater. But then the same two hundred and fifty people have that night free. It's like you have to get to a level. Where? All of a thousand people will show up on the same night, and that was that's a skill set that hopefully the people that a book can you understand the math on that?
Because Berkowitz believed I could do it before I did. I was like, I don't know, man.
I was like, I don't want to I want to fail. Yeah. I don't want to be standing in front of a half filled place. And and and that didn't happen. But it happened in some places. I remember doing the Tower Theater in Philly, Upper Darby, and I just did the bottom of that place is huge. Like like David Bowie had a huge show there and one of those Ziggy Stardust ever things. You had a famous show, their Guns N Roses played there.
I mean, it's a huge place and. I felt bad, but he's like, no, this is good. He goes, the next time you come here because these people will tell other people. And then then it's also like, you got to kick the shit out of him, then have another good special coming out. You just can never stop hammering him. It's like a hockey fight that the refs are never going to break up. And if you get gassed, it's over and you're going to go back down to those clubs.
And I don't think you get back unless this I'm trying to think of the John Travolta does Pulp Fiction and gets back to Saturday Night Fever level. Jeff Dunham. How you can get Jeff Dunham is always an example. It's so Jeff Dunham.
Jeff Dunham did theaters and then went back down the clubs and then went back to Arenas.
Oh, dude, I went to a Buffalo Sabres game. And in between, you know, the stoppage of play they advertised to show was incredible. So. You know, I have to I do what I miss most about stand out is I just love kicking the shit out of people I just loved. You know, people leaving feeling like that was totally fucking worth it is like the highest it's the biggest rush like you went there because I remember going to comedy shows and I remember seeing Steve Sweeney.
At the Randolph Knicks, the Knicks and Randolph, Massachusetts, and I remember he went on stage and for the first 12 minutes. I wasn't making any noise, my mouth was just open and my face was beet red, like I was almost concerned that I was going to like have a medical issue. That's how hard this guy was killing. And I just remember thinking like. Like when I left that show like that, that is fucking killing, that is what you're going for, like you want to hurt him.
You know, I don't mean honestly, I don't think I ever killed as hard as that fucking guy ever did. But like, he inspired me again. I don't know what just happened behind you, but an episode of Hawaii five.
Oh, my God. I want to do the road again. Hello, sir. How are you? That's my cameraman, John Manz.
Oh, I thought you were staying in some sort of like Hawaiian themed hotel and they all had to wear those shirts. I like guys ready to party.
Yeah, we almost these fucking Bud Light seltzer's. Oh, you're their husbands are the porn guys.
What I am like. Well, I probably just fucked up the beginning of that.
They would have been a great little thing to show our sponsors.
And singing the Hawaii Five. I was saying because the guy was wearing a Hawaii five oh shirt.
That guy right there. Oh, I thought you were left.
You know, you can leave means he has the greatest stories in the world.
You mean he didn't make any eye contact with you? You just rolled your eyes saying that he could leave.
Wow. Toxic boss will be back after these messages he wanted to do.
I wanted to do a podcast called Let Me Tell You Your Story, because I can tell a story really well. And some people have great stories, but they don't know how to tell them. And he is someone who has the best stories in the world, but he doesn't know how to tell a story. It gives you the ending away too soon and he gives you details you don't need. And I remember one time he has a story about shooting a video for National Geographic.
They were shooting video in a desert of like the ten deadliest snakes. And so they're putting them out. Right. And then they film them and then they grab them, put them back in the same. And so they take a spitting cobra out and they put it out there like twenty miles out in the desert. They put it on the sand and the second hit the sand. It takes off and scoots up into the body of the of the jeep, their jeep.
It runs up into the body of the jeep and they're like, fuck, what do we do? And then like someone look under the seat, you can see it. They're like, no, I'm not going to look a little bit my eyes and I'm going to die. They're like, shit, what do we do? So they just sit there for like six hours waiting for it to come out and it never comes out. Now it's getting dark and they're in the desert and they have like a 20 mile drive in the desert to get back to a road shit at the truck.
They tried everything. They set up a time lapse. They'd like to see if they could see it come out. They started rattling the truck. Nothing, Bill. Nothing. Right. So now they got to drive with a with nine of the most deadly snakes in a bag, one of them in the rigging of the jeep. And they have to drive in the desert where they're like this. He said it was the most terrifying drive of his life because every time something with it is like a motherfucker, and then they get back to camp.
And 20 miles are still in the desert. They've got to spend the night in intense with the Jeep that has a spitting cobra loose in it. He said it was the most never saw the spitting cobra again. But when they pulled it out, it definitely nicely slithered out the other side. Yeah, it was gone within the first six minutes and they sat there for six hours.
Oh, what a terrifying ride that must have been. Where were they?
See, these are all the things when he tells the story, he fucks it up so bad and gives you so much information you don't need. He's like, and so I was with the candidate Hunter. You know how the candidate Hunter's got a longer lens you like. Well, get to the fucking spitting cobra. And he was like, oh yeah. And then it just screwed it up into the jeep.
And then we just sat there like, well, there is a spitting cobra loose in America somewhere. And no, this was in Africa. He was in Africa. All right. Well, what's supposed to be there? Well, I probably knew was there. No, wait. Isn't it. It's not. Wait, I have no idea. In India. Yeah. Google it. Hang on, he he is the person he loves, his stories are so fascinating, but he just fucks them up when he tells them he worked on a Deadliest, Deadliest Catch, what's Whale Wars?
And and they got rammed by the Nisshin Maru. Right. They got Australia, Southern Asia.
She and their relatives, their cousin, the coral snake of the United States, yeah. Sorry, no, no, he. Yeah, he's he's a really interesting guy, and he was my cameraman on Triplette and I just kind of I got a kick out of him because he's just funny as shit. And then he was my cameraman over the counter. And then when I started doing these tours, I was like, man, I you come with me, I we'll shoot some stuff.
And so he's a great drone operator. Do you see, I posted a video on Instagram yesterday of us on this Devil's Bridge in in Sedona, Arizona. Fucking scariest shit. It is a Bridgespan of rock, right. That goes down maybe one hundred and eighty feet. And it is literally this wide bill. And we walked out to the middle of it and just stood there. And then I ripped my shirt off, took a drone fucking taking off.
It was out of this world.
Yeah, you can have that. Is that when I little vine bridges with the wood slats.
No, no, no, no, no, no. It's the Andrew. Can you, can you show a video here. I can show you a picture of it but it is here. I'll show you a picture. What's the name of it. And I got it. I got it. I just pulled up on this. So this is. Can you see how. Here already, this is that bill. Do you see that Little Rock bridge now and then take a look at this.
This is me and then this is the drone taking off. That's like some Wile E. Coyote shit, like that's just going to fall off your nuts. That was it was scary, man. When your asshole twitches, when you get out there, your hands start sweating immediately. Look at that in that fucking insane.
I don't like I don't like watching those videos of those idiots are like climbing up buildings like, oh, dude, we did this thing one time at the Corona Arch and I think it's in Mountain Moab. And we what you do is it's the same it's the same for an arch, like it's just an arch of rock with a big hole in the center. And what they did is they took rope and they tied rope to this side of the arch and then draped it under.
And then we stood on the arch. So it's draped under and then harness in and we jumped. And you swing through the arch, right? Like this. We did this for Trip Flip was a few years ago. And I get up to the top and we have to by the way, you have to logit rock climb to get yourself up there. Scariest shit you're up there. You just all the real rock climbers are walking around, not roped in, just walking around.
Very comfortable. My hands are sweating, telling you about this. And we get in. I go first. I'm wearing khakis like like they're called cool cool pants, but they're khaki. And I have asked sweat all going through there. I'm terrified. I say to the guy right before I jump, I go, maybe I should get like a helmet.
And he says, wait, when you get scared, your ass sweats really bad, Bill.
Really bad. Really bad. So it looks like I've shit my pants. It's soaking wet, soaking fucking wet. So I say to the guy, hey man, maybe I should get a helmet. And he goes, Now I said, What do you mean? He goes, you don't want one? I said, What do you mean? He goes, Let me tell you something, buddy. If something happens, you just want to go. I go, What do you mean?
He goes, you do not want to be half conscious, having not made this fall laying down there waiting for a helicopter to come get you. He goes just go, just go. I go. So no helmet goes, no helmet either live or die buddy. And so I just fucking I grabbed a helmet and put it on anyway and give a fuck all the adrenaline. Yeah.
And I did the jump. It was I've done so much shit like that that walking out to that thing I was like, I can do this. There was a kid out there doing back flips. Yeah, what is the deal with the backslap now, everybody tries to do it by a couple of accounts on Instagram and you can't believe what you can do and not break your neck, watch it jump up in the air and their whole body force. Comes down right on that fucking head, it's just like they're nuts.
It's amazing how many times I think to the back flip. Yeah, I feel like like how many millions of people can you watch the Olympics like a backflip is part of 40 other things that they're going to do with the twist and then land. Why do I give a shit that you're doing a backflip on a beach? It's not amazing. And you're not a gymnast. So there's a chance you're going to break your fucking neck. To do what?
Hopefully get me to send a mind blown emoji.
It is a big shame and I kind of look like a fucking emoji.
It is weird when you see a football player score a touchdown and then do a backflip, as if him running through 12, 11 dudes that were trying to kill him wasn't impressive enough. The black with the back flip really definitely sold it like, oh shit, you can backflip.
Also a black flip if it's a black guy doing it. I don't see too many white guys doing it. Yeah.
Anyway, I'm not into the I thought I was an adrenaline junkie guy when I was a kid, I really I was I didn't want to skydive at one time. I did a static line jump. And really, it was a one day, it was a one day class, a couple of hours, and then they just set you up their sit in the door, get out, go out. One thousand two, one thousand three, one thousand.
Look, if nothing.
Look, reach, pull. And when I went. I didn't arch, and I just kind of I just started falling and I was doing front flips as my chute was coming out and I felt it go by my leg. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm dead. I'm going to be like a fucking roll up. And then it was just fine. I remember there was this fat shikimic and then they talked you down and there was this fat chick in my class and you had to be able to pull the toggle all the way down to your knee.
And her hips were too big and she was just kind of doing this. And she ended up across the street, landed in a pile of mulch and dislocated her knee. So I was like I was 19, I was like, yeah, I'm not going to be the guy who dies. And then it was just a moment of like, wow, I guess I guess you Canda. And then I also felt when I was like the chute was open, it was super boring because when you're above the tree line, you don't feel like you're falling.
You just feel like you're there. You know, and it's like. Jocking you a little bit, the whole thing, and it's just like. You know, I could never go skydiving ever again and I would be the happiest man in my life. Yeah, I'm not I'm not into that I've done all of that shit, I don't need it in my life. I don't I remember one time I was in a park in Pamplona with my buddy and I said I said, well, I guess I guess we were done running with the bulls are not really running with the bulls, but, you know, been there.
And we were like in the mix. We were like in the street and then jumped over the fence. Never saw Bull in our life. But I was like, wow, that's great. And then I was like, well, I guess next thing to do is go skydiving. And he goes, Why? It's like, I don't know. And then we're supposed to do it. And he goes, I think you're yours. Do you want to go skydiving?
And I was like, No, not at all. He was like, What are you doing it for? And I think that's why a lot of people go skydiving and they go, oh my God, it's a bucket list thing. But if it's not on your fucking bucket, definitely don't fucking do it.
I think a lot of that with guys comes down to I'm not good at talking to women, so I need to do a bunch of crazy stuff. And I hope that they hear the story about me and they think that I'm cool. I mean, that's why I was doing dumb shit like that. It's just because I wasn't a cool guy. So what if I do some cool shit? Does that make me cool? It's like now. Yeah, it's still not cool.
So motorcycle's never had that cachet in our like, my high school. If you drove a motorcycle, just met your parents, couldn't afford to buy you a car like no one got motorcycles growing up. Oh, yeah, if you got him well on the East Coast to you had a motorcycle back in the day, you were a bad ass. I don't know if you got a tattoo. You were a lunatic. But I mean, all of that all of that stuff has changed now.
Like, when I grew up, I saw, like. I mean, by the time out, by the time I was like twenty one, I maybe saw six people with a sleeve in my life.
Oh yeah, I remember. I remember Ryan likers.
I knew a guy. Who knew a dude named Deadeye, he was a tattoo artist, biker, drove a shovel, knows Harley. I mean, this guy had the big white beard. This guy was the real deal and he was just covered in tattoos. And I remember looking at that guy thinking like like, wow, man. Like, that guy is like left the program like he is doing his own fucking thing, you know, and and nowadays it's just like somebody making, like, artisan ice cream has like double sleeves and like a fuckin face tattoo, like pop stars have like face tattoos.
Now, you know, which are you keeping up on that that kid there that that six nine kid. Oh, yeah. I mean, he's that kid is crazy. Oh, hardcore.
Hardcore. What kid told on half the free world and now he's trying to show that he's not afraid. It's like, no, don't be afraid. Get the tractor was taken off. I get a haircut, you know, I maybe shave those big front teeth out of some shit.
I do something to look a little different. Like, he's like. He is like antagonizing somebody. To he's taken into a whole other I watched those videos, I get fucking nervous, I'm I do get inside and then it's just like if you're going to do some shit like that, don't fucking sit next to me.
A fucking inaccurate sons of bitches showing up and catching me instead of you. Yeah, he's an interesting kid, man. I went with the first time I ever heard about him. I was pulling up to LAX. I was pulling into Delta. And as I'm pulling up, there is a huge fistfight in the street. And what had happened is some gang bangers from L.A. felt like Takashi's six nine had maybe respected them enough and they showed up at the airport to find him, to beat them up.
And he got into a fistfight at the airport. And then I said to the guy, I was getting checked in so I can get you at the airport.
Yeah. I mean, that's it, you got it, you got him up through to five, ratted out everybody.
I continue trying to think of a state I would move to and all his cars or flashy, etc..
Would you like his music? Oh, come on, man, I'm too old, I'm too old for that. That's that's all young people music I.
All of that stuff about going into the VIP rooms and all these things, I would simply rap about eight hours sleep.
I got too much. Dad, sleep apnea getting throw up on your shirt. Yeah.
Not putting an elliptical in your garage because it's the one part of the house that's yours.
We should do a rap album, Bill. Just the things that are not the things that that four guys our age like. I can't find my sunglasses.
I think Rodney Dangerfield already did rap and Rodney.
No, that no, I do remember that. I don't remember the rap. He lived his life the way he wanted and he died old. Yeah, that's crazy. He's like the he's like the canary in the mine, like you go, wow, what? He lived to like 80 or something. What's his real name?
He hasn't got a great name. Jacob. Something all right.
Oh yeah. What is Rodney Dangerfield. A great real like Rodney Dangerfield is a great stage name, but like. All right, I'm looking it up, Rodney.
All we need, Roy. Jack Roy, yeah. Now, Jacob Cohen, who know who him. That's that's what I came up for real. Yeah, and then it has every right, Chevy Chase is Cornelius Crane Chase. I like how they have done Don Rickles, real name, Donald J. Rickles. It's like you didn't change it. No one does that anymore, huh? I'll tell you who I saw, namely that I was looking up kind of obsessed with Miles Davis for like the last twenty five years, and I like looking up stuff about different drummers and stuff beyond Tony Williams or maybe Jack de Jeannette.
And there's a guy that played with them on that album on the corner of Guy Al Foster. So I was like I looked him up. He was still alive. I was psyched. I always loved the crazy angles of his symbols and his drums and stuff, and he could play with miles. That meant you could play, right. So I looked him up, I think, this morning or yesterday, and I found out Al was short for Allen wishes.
And it's just like that name is just that guy that he was born in the nineteen forties. I think that name was almost gone like Alyosha's in Ebeneezer. Where we're just gone, Ebenezer's, a great name. I mean, what what what do you what is the nickname Ed NIESR Beazer? Abbi, what is the nickname for Ebeneezer? And then these are it's four syllables, there's no way every time I want to talk to you, I'm saying Ebeneezer.
Yuzu, Manesar, Binnie's are ever, ever, ever.
And ed b m e e, you just keep showing it, but Al wishes the name is sometimes shortened to even even or even even I was always confused when I was a kid and they were like, yeah, if your name is John, they can call you Jack.
And I was like a totally different name. Yeah, but it's kind of yeah, it's got to be. But I think that's more like it. That's like the as I brought up the other day in my podcast, the Chevy Chevette and the Pontiac T one thousand. But the Camaro in the Firebird, you know, it's both a GM product, I think John and Jack. You know, it's the same thing now. I mean, even is a cool name or Ebbin is a cool name, you meet a girl and a chick in a bar and you say that that's cool until they say, what's that short for?
And you're like, Ebeneezer. She's just like, I'm out.
She's like, this guy isn't going to pay for anything. I am not banging a founding father.
You know, I wonder if it's Scrooge, if Scrooge was ruined. That name. I mean, that book. But that story is around for so long. I wonder if that ruined the name. Do you think if Adolf Hitler had a more normal name like Joseph Stalin, because people will name a kid, Joseph, right and left? Yeah, people think of Joseph, they think Joseph and Mary. They don't think Joseph Stalin.
Adolf was such a distinct name. Adolf. Yeah. And it was like a couple of guys. There was also Adolf Eichmann. It was a couple of a couple of his friends had that name, like it was the German name for, like, Bob. And they just shut it shut down a first and last name. I heard his. His relatives. Agreed that the blood line was just going to die out anybody who was related to him and they just, yeah, made this fucking and he was such a fucking asshole, they all decided not to have kids.
They just let the bloodline die out out of respect for the horror that the guy created. But it was just like I almost feel like his final. I don't know, asshole thing to humanity was that his own descendants or relatives couldn't experience the joy of having a child Jesus.
I mean, why can't you just change the name because they probably think it's contagious. You know, it's crazy, though, is that we got a family. What do you got your family? I wonder if I wonder how German Americans of that like mine because my family's German, my dad's side. I wonder how that was like after World War Two. They had, like, pride in being German, but distancing themselves from that, you know. Like as opposed to like what nowadays when a war goes on, it's almost like you see, like you see.
Muslim Americans standing up for and going, hey, we're not all like as opposed to like defending themselves, but Germans just kind of shut down. They're like, fuck those guys. That's I mean, those Germans are animals. And like almost like we turned German Germans into, like, sex fetish having type people. We created a dialogue for what Germans were for then on, you know. Yeah, they seem to have gotten it the worst when there was so many people on both sides that just did so much like you read in that book, flyboy's, when you see what the fuck went on in the South Pacific and they just not even brought up.
Oh, and then some of the stuff that we ended up doing.
To win the war is just like. You know, when you firebomb a wooden city, I mean, OK, you drop the pamphlets and they have nowhere to go and you like burn and women and babies to death. I mean, some of the shit that that's shit. Just in Dresden alone. And you always heard, like.
They were saying, you know, if we lose this war, we're going to be tried as war criminals is what they like. I mean. I mean, I mean, obviously never been in that position where you have to make a decision like that, but then it's also like, well, if we don't do this, then. What are they going to do to us? I mean, it just it's was insane. It's fucking. Human beings, through the capabilities of human beings, like I heard this fucking story.
This guy talking about the Germans coming in. When I was doing a tour through Estonia and Latvia and one of those countries, the Germans came in and they went to this guy's house, by the way, spoiler alert, this is an absolutely horrific fucking story.
They went to this guy's house. They asked him information. He said he didn't know anything, and then they just grabbed his little boy by the ankles. I can't even say what they did. I mean, it was just just. Right down onto a table and like the guy. All of these years later, immediately. Just like just broke down into tears, dude, it was fucking brutal and I was just thinking, like, how in the fuck?
No matter how much you hate another side, you could do that to a little boy or a kid, it's just like some of that shit, too. When I when I was torn over there and you started reading up on some of that shit that they would do. It's just like so that is just right under the surface. Like, as much as you know, I've been watching all these fuckin nature videos, it's weird, all these videos, these animals killing each other, this animal versus Sam and all this stuff, you know.
And just like what animals can do and just be not even concerned about the suffering. Of the other animal at all. That's what I like, that's why I like cats like lions and cheetahs and tigers, because they'll fucking kill the God damn thing first bear that just starts eating you while he's holding you down. It's just like, Jesus Christ, buddy. I'm already how the next fights right here. Just take me out. You're going to start in the back.
I'm going to live forever here, you start offering up parts of your body to go and get like the vein right around here. Take a bite.
Yeah, I have to. I got to be like. I can't watch a lot of that shit because it's like I don't know, I don't know like people that delve into that part of the world and then go after those people and they have to sit there and, like, relive details of those crimes and just have that in their brain. I mean, that story that I heard, I went that that the guy that told them now that I just fucking told everybody that I wish I'd never heard it.
It was one of those kinds of stories like like and that's not one of those things when I hear those stories, I don't look at that like, oh, those German. So and I just think, like, wow, with poor leadership and a collapsed economy. What you can get people to do is fucking. Terrifying, yes, and terrifying, and you really have to. I mean, I think that there there is a there's a belief out there that that was all the day people and that we don't have those capabilities yet.
You're seeing people. You know, I don't want to say what people are doing nowadays because, I mean to continue, the one thing I can still get sick quarantining has stopped a couple of deviant social activities that were becoming way too normal.
Yeah. You know, I don't know. No, I wonder, do you think do you think animals do you think animals when they're getting like when they're going across a river? And the crocodiles coming at them and they kind of seem to get away, do you think there is? Do you think they panic the way a human does? You think panic is specific to humans. They panic.
They feel pain. There are they're that they're starting to say now, which is what's going to be so fucking crazy for vegetarians is that plants. Have higher emotional qualities that we realized, really. Yeah, that's going to fuck up vegetarianism forever. Yeah, and then also then that for me, that fucks with the creator then. Where who was the person? That creates all of this, and in order for me to survive each day, something has to die.
Something has to feel pain, something has to be eaten. It's almost when you look at it that way, it's like the whole thing is designed to destroy itself, to eat itself and just be used up. You know, like sometimes people like look at like the universe, like it's somebody like some of those crazy. I mean, I don't know any painters other than the ones that made movies about that Pollachi. Yeah, like just got it just goes like that and it just sort of looks and is like my new canvas and we're sort of getting to the end.
I don't know, dude, I got to do a stand up guy because this is where my fucking brain has been going lately.
How soon until you get on stage. You think I know you got offers. I know you got offers and no gigs. You've nothing as you have you've got offered any of the Alterra shows yet. Oh, yeah, we've had like a few, but like the drive in shows with such shit shows that I didn't want to do that. I don't want people like flicking their blinker, meaning they're groaning and one's not doing that.
I don't know. I've heard this shit show. No, that's fucking I heard that shit show. But you're one of those guys. You could be in a fucking kiddie pool in the fucking Mojave Desert like these fucking great. I mean, it's kind of hanging out with you.
I'm not going to SWAT and fucking mosquitoes, and I can't hear anybody even fucking laughing, you can hear people laughing, you will be swatting mosquitoes. That is a real help your sunroofs.
So I can hear some semblance that you're enjoying that. What the fuck I'm doing. I don't want to do that.
No, I'll tell you, Bill, you just got to come down with me. You'd love it. Yeah, I do, I've done those gates, too.
They're not ideal, they're not I mean, they're not these clubs that stood outside where no one gave a fuck, I paid those dues.
Oh, I'm telling you, Bill, I got to you got to get out. I'll give Birkerts. I know how I'm going to do it.
You know how you're going to go, but the people did this, there is one thing that I am looking at, whether people would be in cars or whatever, but it's also like in a state where people don't give a fuck and then it becomes like, if you don't give a fuck, then what is my responsibility? I don't want to go there and take your money as you don't give a fuck. And then everybody gets sick. And then I'm hurting small businesses in that state that give a shit.
So I really got I got to go to a state where there's not they've really tapered it off. And then they're going to just like my agents, looking at someplace where they're having a couple of music acts there and on both of our big things, because we don't want to take the quick money in the short run and then fuck over everybody else, including ourselves, when we can go back to work regularly, push that down because we want to go out, make a quick hit.
So we're figuring it up.
Yeah, well. Well, having said that, I got to get a nap because I have a show and in three hours. I'm happy for you to Wichita, Kansas, Bill. That's great. I've been a beautiful it's a beautiful venue. The it's funny. The things I look for old school Drive-In tiered. So everyone in the back is still on the stage and the stage does not block the screen. The screen is right above the stage. It's a perfect setup.
Perfect setup. That's awesome. Yeah. And they and they went through and they closed the bathroom. So the bathrooms are socially distant.
Now you go I think I've been to Kansas at least 40 times for real. I mean, I've done every fucking college.
Kansas and Nebraska, I've been all over those. I remember being on the 80. When you're in Nebraska, when you get about halfway through the straight state, there's some sort of just wooden bridge over the highway. Yeah, I think oh yeah, some tourist attraction or whatever. I remember driving that that state watching birds migrating to the south. Like, I was in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, like the giant V's, like snow flies, don't bother me, just kind of I remember driving through Wyoming one time.
And seeing these deer looking things that weren't dear going, what the fuck are those? On my way to Grand Junction, I deliberately went up through Wyoming because I had done the 70 so many times I've driven through the Rockies, that tunnel, I did that a million fucking times. I want to see what the Rockies look like up there in. In Wyoming, and what I did was I did like half of the state, then I dipped down and I don't know, hey, dude, I got I got a great documentary you ought to check out.
What is it? One of my listeners on the Monday morning podcast recommended. It's called Treant Like Don't Tread on me toread Netflix. Yes. It's about a guy who moves to a small town. Buys his little piece of the American dream. I watch this, I watch this with my daughters. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's it's good.
It made international news, but then Ronald Reagan died like the next day, and then that's all they talked about. I mean, it was fucking it's actually kind of a good thing that lunatic's didn't see what this guy did.
Well, that was a fucking amazing documentary that that guy. You know, what's so funny is that, like, might think my daughters, if I'm not mistaken, my daughters were like on his team hat, like almost three quarters of the documentary through. And then he just started killing people. They're like, all right, this guy's a fucking lunatic. I know I, I yeah, I was with him until about a third of the way and I'm like, this guy is fucking crazy.
Yeah. Know, did he don't want to wreck it? But, yeah, this fucking guy just destroyed the things that people were zipping. You just I swear to God. But before social media, there was Bert Krischer. Just tell him something and watch him try to be one of the biggest dick moves I ever did.
When I got back from Europe, I came home, I came back to my fraternity house and my roommate, Mike Osborne, was reading like the hot new book, whatever the fucking big book was, like Michael Crichton. And he was. And I walk in and he's in Charlie Urban's room and he's got the book. And I go, Oh, is that a good book? He's like, Yeah, I'm at the end. And Charlie's like, you don't know what happens.
And he's like, No. And he goes, And my roommate, Mike Osborne, took off out of the room and ran up to our room because he didn't want to hear what happened. I said, Charlie, what happens in Charlie tells me the ending. And I called our room on the phone and he answered it. And I go, he dies. And I lost his shit, you motherfucker. I've been reading this whole book is the first book I read all summer, you motherfucker.
That's funny, though. Yeah, it's fucking great. I miss those days. He should have known the second you said you don't know what happened to be like, yeah, I mean, you can tell me anything. I don't give a shit. The book's not that good. And then maybe thrown you off the scent. Yeah. Right out of the room. Why did he answer the phone? Answer the phone.
Just because it wasn't paying attention wasn't on his game. Wasn't on his game. All right, that said, everybody, thank you again for listening to another wonderful episode of the Bill Burt pod cast.
All right, stay safe, everybody, in the new normal. See you next week.