Hello, everybody, and welcome to another wonderful episode of the film, Perfect Todd. Yes, we are back. We are back better than ever.
We have. We got a huge guest on here today, an absolute legend, absolute. Let me tell you something. I don't like the term goat because it implies there's only one man. George Lopez is is the goat. I mean, you look at like my goats out there, Bernie Mac, George Lopez. I'll tell you what, Paul Rodriguez, when I was a kid, man, Paul Rodriguez goat. So it is a pleasure to have you on the on the podcast.
Thank you very much. You know, when I was at the Comedy Store in the early 80s, I saw Paul Rodriguez one night with my buddy Ernie, and he was wearing a leather jacket. It was hot as fuck. And he had the sleeves rolled up and he had this eagle on the back like a stone eagle. You got, you know, I guess it was families like more from Mexico than mine. And he was so good, like, really just just so funny, man.
And I remember leaving walking with my friend and I looked at him and I said, by the time I get back, good. Imagine how good that guy is going to be. And he was never that good as he was that night. Because, Paul, you know, we're not going to say brothers, but he was a type of guy that would wing it. His style was to go up and wing it. And winging it is very inconsistent.
But when it hits, it's like something you've never seen. And when it doesn't hit, it's like something everybody see. It's like something you don't want to see. It's like it's like something you don't. And if somebody's seen you for the first time, they'll be like, Oh man, I saw the guy last Monday was amazing. And you want a level of consistency because, you know, at that point you're trying to get people to wonder what that's like.
Yeah. You just described being a comedian. You know, one of the big turning points that I learned in standup was when you have one of those nights where you hit a zone and it just everything works, you just come out saying hello. Just the greeting is going so well, you don't think your material can follow it. And somehow it happens for you. The best thing to do is to forget all about that show, because the next night you're going to walk out there going, like, OK, I said this and I said that, and then you're going to be in here and not be present.
And then it just starts doing this. And then you try harder than your mouth gets dry and everybody goes, I must have just been a fluke.
I mean, we shot people. We saw people go through the Laugh Factory that were kind of hot, that were getting deals in the 90s and some, you know, carried forward a little bit further and then some just died in that room. And all the people would leave early or they wouldn't get the deal after they were like that one last maybe last two steps before either get a holding deal or getting the deal to do your own show. I saw a lot of that happen.
Did you have deals before you before you did you worked with Sandra Bullock? I had to deal with Disney in the early 90s with Sandy Gallin. I think it was Dolly Parton's manager at Disney for like. Maybe a holding deal for like forty thousand, and then I bought Bulbul eight fifty, and then they call me at the last minute because there was something they wanted me to read.
And I said, I think I'm going in. And they go, Osogbo, go that you fucking bought with the money we got you. And I said, I'll be right. I'm on my way back. I'll be called me out in the car.
Oh, so you and those guys got the deal. But the time I got a deal, which wasn't a lot, I would be too afraid to spend the money because I heard all these guys remember those stories.
But we see your generation. Kind of like took the beach, so we learned all that all this guy got, he got a deal, man, and he had a go pilot and I said the guy's name, but this guy had a show. It went and I forget what the fuck happened, 9/11 or a Super Bowl.
I don't remember what it was. And this guy already bought the house, the fur coat, the whole fucking thing.
And then like two months later when like three episodes, they canceled it. And then he was selling all that shit, lost all his money. Dude, I knew guys I knew guys in the late 90s got deals and they put it on the stock market into the dotcom stuff. Lost it all there. Oh, yeah.
There was a guy there was a guy that had a show on CBS and it had just started it was just on hadn't grown any roots yet. And he bought a house at the beach with his wife and they went to get the loan. And the guy says, do you have any collateral? And he brought in a copy of TV Guide. He was on the cover of TV Guide that week, and he showed the guy from the bank the cover of TV Guide, and they gave him the loan.
And then like six months later, he filed for bankruptcy. Oh, my God.
Yeah, there was a lot of those. Those. Yeah, this guy was on TV and then like a year later I went on an audition. He was working the security booth on the lot. I feel like, you know. Back then, it was real. Now you can save yourself, you have a podcast, you've got this on. But back then, dude, it was like there was no way into the league unless they tapped you with the magic wand.
And if that didn't work when you were out, you of you are out. You went all the way back down to the pavement. You know what, it is like a machine, like if you went to the sewer in, like Palisades and you got in and you took this wonderful trip and then you ended up somewhere in the L.A. River just surrounded by shit, you saw people go through it. And once you went through it, it was almost like you could never recover.
Know, I know a lot of guys I played golf with a guy that had his own show on ABC, got canceled, had a chance to do a reoccurring part on another sitcom on ABC, and his manager told them not to because he says, hey, man, you know, you're still hot. You could get another show. That character filmed one hundred episodes and he turned it down. And I don't think he's recovered to this day from that decision.
Oh, dude, I know a couple of guys like that in that big thing is is you have to let it you got to be like a relief pitcher. You know, the guy just takes you all the way out to the parking lot. You got to be like Clement said, give me another fucking ball and you have to forget. But like, dude, I saw guys, this really isn't the angle. I was thinking this is going to go.
But this is really interesting, though, because, you know, it's people some people people have seen and they disappeared, some people that were hilarious and great that nobody will ever know. Yeah, but the amazing thing about your career is like you on like so many different platforms where now I think it's easy to kind of be like podcast is basically doing a radio show on the Internet. But back when you got a radio show, you had to get a radio show.
Back when you had a TV show, it's like you had to like this was like that was a small group of people that could actually it's like the beginning of sports leagues. When I was only 18, there was only so many spots. Now it's sort of like infinite, but you kind of get crushed in on the stand up, then the sitcom and then radio. And I remember coming out for pilot season. Remember that shit I'm having here and you on the radio go on.
This guy is really great at this too. So I think that that's one of the keys to your success was no matter how good you are, you're still, as you said, getting a, you know, get spit out into the ocean at some point if you can, like, get over that, reinvent yourself, pivot in another direction. How did you handle? Because even if you have, like, a hit sitcom like you did, when that thing ends, the stink on that is like, oh, he already had a show, which is weird because it's like, yeah, I showed that people like me and I can I can carry a show, but they're like, yeah, we want something new, something different.
How do you like navigate stuff like that.
That was, that was a it was a big deal because, you know, no sitcom with like a Latino family, you know, not capable of working like three episodes. And there was some other people view about this and Sanchez of Bel Air and shows like that. And it kind of really disappeared. And then when Sandra came to see me, Sandra Bullock, and we started to sit down, I remember seeing Tim Allen at the Indianapolis Comedy Club before his Showtime special came out.
So he had that act with the power tools and the and all of his all of home improvement was in that hour that he was doing. And he was incredible man, like so far from the beginning to the end. And it was the same every night. Like that was different every night. I started different. I was very, very strong at that point or, you know, and that dude was just by the numbers. So when you saw him, he was consistent.
And when I started to put that idea together for the first show, I was blessed that I had somebody that was a movie star at the height of her popularity, who was a little disillusioned with her career and life because she heard she had just lost her mother. So here she was, you know, Miss Congeniality and she lost her mother. And it just didn't seem as fun and it wasn't real. And she needed to kind of go and mourn her mom.
And her dad was still alive and her sister was there. So when she saw me, she saw like a person that was joyful and she's like that George is like so happy with any little thing that it kind of reignited my opinion of the business, because here's this guy that is just so happy to to be have to have an at bat. And and I hadn't turned on anybody and I was really happy and I was working really hard. And when we got Bruce Helford, who was doing Drew Carey at that time, you know, it kind of it wasn't automatic, but it was just a good time to be talent because Disney and ABC, I mean, it was ABC, it was still about the talent and not about the numbers.
I saw it become about the numbers after my show got canceled, but it was still about the talent.
And twenty two thousand one I mean, you say that even if it didn't start off with the with the immediate hit, they were willing to kind of ride with you to see if you could build an audience. Right.
And, you know, I was a midseason you know, one of the biggest decisions was that after 9/11, that was like two thousand one and nobody wanted to see comedies. And a lot of shows failed, like you said, shows that maybe were on once or were even in promotions for the upcoming season. Some show started in October after World Series. So you were in promos for a show that never it just nobody wanted to see comedies and it just they all evaporate.
They all went away. And in 2002, the pilot script was really strong. And we had a meeting at Warner Brothers with ABC on the phone. And they said, well, you know, what do you guys want to do? You want to go midseason or do you want to wait till September? And nobody would answer. And they looked at me and they said, What do you think? And I said I said. That's the score right now.
I said, let's wait. It's better to find out now than the following September and we went and started writing. We put this great group of writers together that Bruce knew by almost like a dream team of writers. And ABC said, you have to retain you have to retain. Eighty five percent of the audience in the four episodes that you're on, April of 2002. And we retained 93 percent of the audience that we got picked up and then we got the front nine.
And then as Bruce Alpert was telling me, that if the show got picked up, I would become the most important person on the show and not him. Somebody knocked on the door and they said, hey, the president of ABC wants to talk to me, wants to talk to you. And he said me. They said no, George.
And, you know, just happened already yesterday. We got picked up.
That's cool. Yeah, that was and that was kind of it. So, you know, my thing was that whoever was you know, I like sports. I like boxing. I like I like competition. And my thing was whoever was against me either at the midseason or in September, I would take as a personal threat against my career and my show. Who was it? That was Alicia Silverstone, how to show Daniel Stern with a show called Daniel that only went two weeks.
I obviously for that. Yeah, I auditioned for that. A good that was a good idea. And then toward the end, American Idol was on and I beat American Idol in San Antonio, which nobody did beat American Idol everywhere. And then one time somebody was reading this this article about show that had to go up against American Idol. And then the guy I remember reading the lessons and he closed it and he goes, fuck, I wouldn't want to have a show that's up against American Idol.
And I said, my shows up against American Idol and I survived. I survived against American Idol for like three years when everybody else disappeared.
I love that you still remember, like, how like laser.
You were like, all right, I'm going to take out American Idol. I wish some of these younger kids could have seen, like, as much as it was way less opportunity. There was something so surreal back in the day when you had like an audition and you went on to one of the lots and you just saw all these TV shows. It was what you would walk. I remember walking on to CBS Radford and seeing like a parking space and there was it, said Seinfeld.
And it was a Porsche sitting there. And it's like, oh, my God, he's here and he's working on an EP like something like I didn't know where, but I was like, that's happened in there. And I remember there was like Cybill Shepherd had a show with just everybody that was back on the show was just called Your name is like Lopez, you know, Sibylle Seinfeld, Cleghorn. They had, like all of these things and like so many of whom were comedians and you were just walking around and like it was.
So it was such a weird time. It was cool. And it was also like, I don't think I want to do this, but this is it's just the way the herd is running. Like, I didn't have any desire necessarily to have my own sitcom, but you just sort of got herded down your agency like I got you this audition and you didn't have anything else going on.
So you'd go down and try out for when I started writing the show in 2001, like August of 2001, and then we shot it in like the beginning of March 2002. And I would walk onto the lot at Warner Brothers and I had to park in the midway right there because I didn't have my own show or I was just kind of working their writing and the trams would go by and nobody would say anything. And I'd be like in my head, I'll be like, you know, one day things are going to stop.
They're going to be like, Hey, there's George Lopez. And, you know, I just need to I just need to go in on something. And then in 2002, 2003, it was like the Joy documentary. You just take me as a person. I needed somebody to inspire. Yeah. And then they would say this George Lopez and I would stop and take pictures of them. I bring them inside the SAT and I'd show them around.
And, you know, I need. Yeah, you're right. I think I needed something to zero in on or else I'm not sure if I would, you know, like fetch you go, you see something, you go get it.
What point did you get, like the parking spot? And there was this like this sign is in the beginning, they sort of give you like the cones, the number in the wood and that piece of paper sitting there. Remember that shit, just stick it down there. And they're like, oh, man, they don't believe in this show at all.
That's what they do now. That's what they do now. Well, you do. But but yeah, I think after the first season it had by that had a number, which was my number, and then it had my name and and a post. And if anybody would even pull in to like maybe drop something off, they'd get shooed away by the guard at every stage, had a guard standing out front. And, you know, you get all you get all that stuff.
That stuff is when you have your show because it's with their name on it. It's Wylma. When were you when when did you feel like financially comfortable? You know, man, you know, I golf, you know, and in nineteen ninety nine, I went up to Pebble Beach to work at the Monterey Cannery Row or the Monterey Peninsula Club, whatever I can remember. And a lady got me on Spanish Bay and it was two hundred dollars and I was like 200.
And then I went to buy some souvenirs at Pebble Beach and I bought two T-shirts and a hat and there was one hundred bucks. And I remember laughing, walking to my car going, I just spent a hundred bucks on two U.S. Open T-shirts that hat and and three years later I had a house there.
Holy shit. Wow.
I made so much money the first year that my accountant said, have you guys ever thought about owning a second home? And we said, Yeah, well, I think it would be a good idea to put some of this money into, like buying a second home. It's crazy for us. They're going to take it. You play Pebble Beach. That's the thing about money. It's like if you don't put it in play, they're going to put it in play by taking it from you or you just they won't they just won't let you stop running.
Mark, I mean, any taxes, I mean, just unbelievably, you know, in the mid 90s, I would sixty five thousand dollars in taxes and I remember looking at my accountant and it's like, what's the matter? And I said, I want to fucking shoot you, man, because you've been negligent in your fucking job. And now I owe money for you doing a fucking bad job with my money. And he says, Are you threatening to kill me?
And I said, I'm not going to kill you. I said, I wanted you ask me what I was thinking. I said, I want to fucking kill you. And then you fire them. I'll get a better account I fired about. But you know, when you started to make a lot of money, you know, you go as you go, you don't have enough. You go to another guy. And I never really have a lot of money there.
I just he just was lax. And then I remember. You know, writing checks for two point five million dollars to taxes.
Oh, and did you were you just working like crazy at that time because you got the sitcom and then you also have road jobs where you can go out and at that time, if I'm not mistaken, at that time. Well, I don't think there were very many comics selling theaters. There were two arenas by myself. And then, you know, the first the first hiatus from like two thousand two to twenty three was the first year the show was on.
And when we came back in August, I remember what the mother said. I went to Bali and then the wife said, I went to Tahiti with my my fiancee. And then they had gone to Costa Rica. And I toured all summer and came back ready. And all the hiatuses, they traveled and I toured. And then, you know, I was on the Forbes list like two thousand, five, six, seven, eight.
And I don't remember all of that shit. I remember like all of those old guys that had, like, the sitcoms we used to sit there and talk about you guys going, and any time there's a hiatus, they just go to Vegas and alleys and do four shows. You make another episode worth of money. And it was all about like, dude, I remember that week when Tim Allen had the number one movie, the number one sitcom and the number one book.
All of this say he had like the Triple Crown and you were just driving through L.A. and it was just like Tim Allen billboards.
It was like Toy Story, whatever his book was called.
And Men are pigs and Improvement. Yeah.
You wrote a best selling book, Printing Money. Why are you crying now? Yeah, and that was why you're crying. And I went to the we went to the book premiere. It was on the New York Times bestseller list I hadn't imagined. And then I went to Khadir and I bought myself a watch. And, you know, my wife's like, what do you doing? Sort of buy myself a watch. OK, so every time something good happens, you're going to buy yourself something?
I said, yeah, why wouldn't I?
And then we went to we went to the Bahamas and I was playing golf by myself. And this guy, Dark, one of the darkest people I've ever seen, like goes by this. The tools are flying and the jerks coming off the side of the road by the golf course. And he looks over and he goes and all the dust that he puts it in reverse. And he comes onto the golf course and he sees me and his eyes are all red, is red tongue.
And he looks at me, he goes, Why are you crying mad? And then with a special in the book, Fucking Fontenay, that he backed up saw. So why are you crying, ma'am? And I was like, Jesus, that's that's that's Havemann.
So when did you after that when did you do the radio show? Because I thought that was the late night was the first one. Know the radio late 90s.
That's what I thought because I was I was out here during that time and and in two thousand one, this is how things work out in life, man.
Like, you know, I got fired on August like the 12th and 13th, 14th, August 15th. I was supposed to go to Warner Brothers to start working on the show and writing the show. So I was already figuring like, how am I going to do a man, like, work on the radio that morning and go work on the afternoon, do the show. And then after ten o'clock, I think I went somewhere where I left the studio and came back.
And as I came back, they had a cardboard cutout of me in the lobby and somebody was carrying the cardboard cutout under their arm. And I saw go by. And I thought that. That's probably not a good sign that my cardboard cut out, so he has it under their arm and I got fired. Why did they fire you? They just they had a guy, this guy, Steve Smith, or somebody from Arizona, that would flip stations.
So if that was like a mega station, he would flip it to like a classic rock or they would flip classic rock to like a more of an oldies format. And he was known as a guy that flip stations. So as they fired me through the glass, Warner Brothers is right there off Riverside was this radio station. And I could see and I said, that's where I'm going to go right there a Monday and start working on my on my show.
So the guy that's all right was that guy like one of those Clear Channel guy, Roy Loflin. That bird right there. Yeah, I had built up all these relationships before, like the Internet and all of this stuff, like you had to build those relationships. And I still you know, I still like Randy Bauman and in Pittsburgh, like I still the guys that survived. But it was just like if you got in and you killed on the hot radioshow, like you could, I mean, those guys maybe not the first time, but the second time you came to town, you could they could they would build you like Randy Bauman in Pittsburgh.
Used to let me come in on like a Tuesday. And I would do I would have no show till like Thursday and I would just be there doing the guy coming Monday night, do the morning show. And he goes, I guarantee you, you do this this time and then the next time you're going to sell that room clean. And it was was a really hard room to sell. It was one of those improvs. It was like four hundred seats.
It was in this location that was sort of like, you know, it was a I remember you drove in. There was only one way in and one way out in the traffic was horrific. So it was a real tough ticket. But then when those Clear Channel guys started coming in and all of these friends and relationships that I had built and they just all fucking went away and I was just like, how the hell am I ever going to do self promote my shows anymore?
And then MySpace came out, right.
And they didn't even have deejays. After a while, it sounded like a guy was in there, but they never got track stuff on the weekends. And that was like Monday through Friday. Yeah, there was.
They wanted to have one radio station and four deejays and then and then they would broadcast that out at different times.
And what they didn't understand is like. Like the morning radio shows back in the day when people listen to radio like that was the local guy living there and talking the sports and bitching about the traffic, saying, hey, man, this band came into town last night. I saw him. You got to check him out there. And they got rid of all of that. And it just became it really failed and it ruined a lot of careers.
What about when they would say, don't say Pittsburgh because we're everywhere. So you're like, oh, OK, don't say don't say L.A. because, you know, we we go everywhere. Or you could do it on this break. Yeah. Yeah. But on the next break, we're all on the.
Yeah. It was weird.
It got weird there for a while but for a while in the that that was the best way to sell tickets was the radio. It was beautiful. A beautiful relationship between radio and disc jockeys and comics and you know, a strong like all the old days of like, you know, you could see like with Elvis and going to town and being on there and being good and then seeing the difference that night or the next time or the next time when you came in.
You could and you could I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but you could double dip because you could go in and do the morning zoo and then do the Spanish speaking one. I remember working with a Mexican comic in Miami and they had me go do the white stations and he did the Spanish speaking ones and do all we saw were Spanish speaking that there was not one white person in there. I mean, that thing was fucking bullshit.
Pedro was there when I toured with Charlie Murphy, Rest His Soul and Donelle. When we did the Rich Bitch tour, there was a couple of places we went to. They sent them to the, you know, the power 106 and the hot ninety seven stations. And then they'd send me out to some old thing and but they would like maybe sometimes would beat Charlie and Don to the white station, but they would never let me go over.
It was, it was like this was like the nineteen sixties like radio was a still segregated if you go on to be like you know, so you're on the Chappelle's Show like what is that like the station that was going to.
Wow. Looks like you tour with Charlie Murphy, right. Yeah man. I was the one that had the idea to do the statue for Richard Pryor. And then I asked the guys and I really didn't know Charlie. You know, he had done my my talk show and he had done really well. And I knew from Chappelle and how great he was. And, you know, I I met him, signed this book for me at the show, and he did great.
We talked after and I thought, man, I said, that's a good dude right there, man. And we started to put the comedy guitar together. I asked him. And then I asked Cedric and D.L. and D.L., it's funny, man, because D.L. was a little bit on his ass, was doing a lot of clubs. And I remember I called him and he said, let me check my schedule. I thought, oh, that means no.
And then he was in Seattle and he and he canceled two shows to get to to get to Peoria. And I remember the girl that worked for him said, you're going to cancel two sold out shows to go to Peoria to do a fundraiser. And he said there's just something about this that that tells me that I got it, I got to go and do this. And he did. And then Cedric was going to be in St. Louis and he said, let me check my schedule.
Let's just say no. And then I asked Charlie. So I had three dudes and and and they said, I love Eddie Griffin. I never told the story. And I'm on my way to Dodger Stadium and my phone rings and it's Eddie Griffin. And I look at the dude that I'm I said, why would anybody call me? And he if I go, Hey, hey, I heard you doing a show for my daddy. And I said, Yeah, yeah, you know, I want to be part of that.
And I was like, let me check my schedule. And I love him, man. He was he was you know, that was some interesting for Eddie. Eddie is I talked to him twice, once I was doing these interviews. And I don't think I. Learned they got a better understanding of him after sitting for two hours, and then I remember calling Charlie, if you ever get an invitation for just you and you bring somebody in there like, oh, no, the invitation was just for you.
You say, you know, when I invited you, the invitation was for you was a plus one. And he said, Oh, fuck, I didn't know. I said, no, it's cool, man. I mean, you know, it's cool.
I love, you know, what I got to do. I get to the arenas way fucking early, like five thirty shows at like eight thirty. I get there at five thirty and I play music and I just I don't know man. I just feel more comfortable there than sitting in the fucking hotel room or, you know, I don't really kind of mingle before. So it just seemed like a better play jump rope in there sometimes. And I, you know, I could walk around or do whatever and and he would be he would get there first and he would always walk in and smoke weed in there and then tell me some stories.
And I think there's nobody nobody made me laugh harder. And I don't think I love the dude more than that guy.
Yeah, he's a beast. I saw him way, way, way back in the day. I saw him in eight first time I saw eight. And he was opening for Dice Clay and nobody knew who he was. And he I didn't understand who he was my age. That's what I did. Because in my head, because I age people by when they started in the business. Yeah.
So he started like five years ahead of me. So I'm thinking he's roughly five years older than me.
He might even be younger than me. I remember him opening up and we all booed and he said, yeah, that's the funny thing, because people talk about that Philly shit with me.
It's like it's kind of comic because they're like boring old guys. And he stood up there, fuck you motherfuckers. I want everyone to be like God. I guess he's not leaving. So then he did his act. So yeah. So I remember. Yeah. All you guys being at Charlie's funeral and everything that was what I loved is sad is it was was, was Charlie was a New York legend and you guys gave him a legendary sendoff. I mean it was like it was I mean this is so crazy.
You get to this age, you start saying, you know, what's the best funeral you went to? So Charlie's Patrice's those were like legendary. I remember Patrice's was so funny when the priest came up at the end. He tried to be funny. Like we had totally shifted his mindset. I can't say because I didn't speak at it, but like the guys that went up had totally shifted his mindset. And he was, you know, was probably a do some heartfelt thing.
And I know he died young, but he went up there and started to try to tell jokes.
But he quickly felt this like going like, oh, man, don't go looking for something happened, Charlie. So that's what it was. Yeah, it was a perfect amount of funny and sadness. And then I think a woman went back up there and spoke at Charlie's and it just got mad. We're like, oh, no, she wants smoke for like an hour. I mean, I remember Charlie's kids going up there. Yeah. One of the best jokes for the night saying my dad was in my dad was in the service.
I don't know. If it was a joke, I don't know if he learned how to curse in the Navy, but he definitely swore like a sailor, we all say the guy is pretty good.
I probably butchered it, but I was really impressed with that.
But he told me one time he was trying to discipline them and they would laugh at him. And he goes, man, you know how fucked up it is, you try your kids laughing in your face. And I said I said, I can't imagine I but look at them that you probably leave the room and they probably say to each other, we just got yelled at by that. I said, you know, so when when your name is like a font, of course they're going to laugh at you because they see him as a font.
You're sure you're you're their dad, but they they're seeing what we see. And it's funny. Yeah, I remember he used to Charlie used to come in the limo and he would remember me and Darnell kept teasing him because he'd always be talking about martial arts. And we were like, yeah, you want to strip mall tough guys? Like, have you ever had it? So he started bringing in. Was like, yeah, OK, you're going to throw this punch out, but we knew he was we knew he knew what he was doing, but we were just trying to get him going.
So one day we were, you know, this old ass limo that could still play like VHS tapes and it picked him up. He's like, oh, shit. And he went back into his house and he came out with a fight tape and doing fucking karate in like 15 years ago. And there was one one clip where he was they did like a thing where you'd sort of. Oh, yeah. And the judge could somehow tell who's would have connected first.
And he kept giving it to this other dude. And Charlie got pissed. So they fucking squared off again and he just straight. Right. Drilled the kid. The kid went down like a tree.
And then Charlie did like this this really like this film about a guy like injected and shit. You heard the woman off in the side of the tape go, oh my God.
Oh, yeah, he was he was I never met anybody like that character, it really was just such a loyal dude and a good dude like he we did that tour and he called me. Just religiously of the Chappelle's Show went away, we kept staying in touch and, you know, all the way through his wife getting sick and all that awful stuff. So. All right, Thompson cigar's. I actually love Thompson's cigars, I swear to God, I love a cigar.
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Yeah, we decided to do that.
You know, Al Madrigal and you know, you guys had a big part of me wanting to do it, all right. Him staying on me consistently to do it. But it's not as awful as I thought it would be better, you know, all things comedy that make it really easy. And it's a it's a good time to do it. You know, because of all this, you a pandemic. And, you know, I did a joke last year, the beginning of twenty, that got the Secret Service to come and visit me at my house.
It's like, what the fuck is this shit, man? Like you said, where are we that they would fucking come to your house? What was the joke? There was an alleged bounty on our former leader, and I said, we'll do it, perhaps it was considered a threat and it went fucking and goes fast, man, like I said and I told him, I said it's an estimate. It's not a fucking threat. It's an estimate fucking by somebody to do a cheaper fucking get them and they're fucking blew up a fucking box.
All right wing. Find this that everybody banin all the conservatives Zweig's because I was worried because they know you're a comedian. So then they had to put on a show. They had to go to your house. I did a poll. I never apologize. I said Bucket. Yeah, just talking to you guys didn't like that one, so classic setup punch the classic setup and punch and, you know, they came down and, you know, I don't know.
I don't want to disparage, you know, but, you know, there's so many threats that, you know, when they leave, you're like they're almost like door dash. Like there's so many of them, you know, that for threats. They said they they they they look at every threat while you you can't have I don't know, I'm a I'm one itself into having more visitors here.
Terminal Island. Yeah. But it's a bit it's been fun to do it. And you know, Brian Kellon, who's with me, you know, we, we've known each other for like 20 years and he was the one dude. I mean, you guys know that the one guy that, you know, when things go well, very few people reach out to when shit goes bad, they like what happened that. So he was the only one of the few people in my life that reached out when things were going good.
So when I needed an opening act, I thought, well, who would I want to spend my time with? And I got that guy literally is probably my best friend. And I've known know I I'm from L.A. I've got people here. My whole life is probably my best friend. Does he golf. Yeah, I told a man when we first started getting together, I said, listen, man, if you want to see me, you better fucking golf too, because you'll you'll never you'll see me for two hours a night.
Did you wonder why I never ran into you? Now, no, never, never, I don't I don't golf look at me, I think no man should it blow up up there. You've got the complexion the sport was made for. I can get a membership. I can't decide. They got all sleeves and all that shit, though. Well, Larry David used to wear like a fucking beekeeper's outfit to gloves and a whole zipper thing with the with the fucking that you can't see out of it.
The big hat.
I finally worked with that guy right now with the pandemic. I don't know when I would say a couple of years ago. Yeah. And he sort of plays like that sorta, you know.
You know, it's going to do that guy's in great shape. He is in great shape. When I saw my God, dude, you look like a like a tennis pro, a former tennis pro.
It's just like the the look it's it's your head.
It looks fucking like a founding father, but his body looks like a formula. Former athlete like they dress. I think they layer him on.
So yeah, he's almost always on muscle. Oh you when you started playing golf towards you know I played on Christmas Day of nineteen eighty one on a dare you know, because you know I'm an only child. My grandparents raised me Christmases were shit. So you know around eleven o'clock my friend Ernie calls me, goes what are you doing. I go to another dude, he goes Let's go golf. I go were up here in San Fernando. And so Marco's probably close.
I called them, but they're open. We don't even have clubs, different clubs. So we went and we laughed. They sold us beer. We're nineteen. They sold us silver bullets. Thirty two ounce silver bullets. We drank like four. Those were drunk, laughing, missing the ball, hitting in the water. And at the end of the day, we hugged and we were like, man, this was awesome. And he stopped playing.
And I continue to play that. You have the you have a golf open, correct? I do. About a tournament for the last 14 years. You know, I had a kidney transplant in 2005 and then I was you know, I was really sick and I was just trying to get better. And I remember telling my doctor, listen, I don't want to be the poster boy for kidney disease. I'm just trying to get better. I want to just go back and live my life healthy.
And then when I had the transplant in April of twenty five a day and a half later when I woke up in the morning, I felt better than I had in my whole life. I was like forty in my early forties and at that moment six forty five on April 21st. Twenty five, I said. It would be a disservice to leave people sick when you have an opportunity to help, and that's when I decided to do the foundation and try to help people, because nobody everybody deserves to live a healthy life.
I mean, I've drank and I've done a million things to try to fucking get this thing not to work, but it's still working pretty good.
Well, how did that come about where you had to have a kidney transplant? I didn't I didn't really know growing up. You know, I knew I wet the bed. That was a symptom of it, you know? And then my grandmother would say, you're not drinking any water after seven o'clock. And I'd do it again at five o'clock. And then you had to carry water during the day. And then you're just going like it's not about, you know, whatever you do instead of taking me to the doctor, you can't drink water for fucking April.
What do you say? And you were a bedwetter. Yeah, because I was born prematurely. And the ureters like let's say that a normal ureter is like this. Mine was like that and it couldn't operate that. I know I was that that I couldn't I couldn't drain. Right. It couldn't drain right. And it backed the urine into the kidneys and toxified the kidneys. But bedwetting is a symptom of somebody being born early.
Oh my. So I thought for half a second because you were a bedwetter, she made you not drink water and you know, no water right out your kidneys.
Oh, a back to guy. And I didn't know that until, you know, a few years. It was actually after that that a specialist said, oh, you were born early, born early. And I said, well, yeah.
How did that affect you as a kid? Like, how old were you when that was happening?
And probably like seven, you know, through a since, you know, it's the seeds of the first open mic right there.
Right there. That's what my grandmother would say. Fuck. And look here, my grandma, my grandmother said, well, let's look fucking better than, like a fucking French toast. I was like, you know, try to flip the mattress just like it looked like a French toast. Fucking awesome. God bless her. She was my muse. Allow all my shit came from my grandmother. My whole attitude, everything came from her was she was tough love, old school type of thing, you know, no love, just stuff like shit, tough love, you know, love.
Just just her mom's mom. I would be standing next to a fuck. Do you want. Not that I'm just kind of. That's that sends you outside. What did she get to see your success? Yeah. So I created the mom on my show was this is fucking awesome, the mom on my show was based on my grandmother and, you know, so here I am, you know, writing jokes like 10 years old, 11, writing on envelopes on the gas company Bill.
She would hold it in my face. I could not. And I fucking I got to go in person because you're fucking right on that fucking bill, stupid. And then, you know, you grow up and you become a comedian. And I put her you know, it's on ABC. I take her to the taping of the first episode, not pilot first episode, and it runs long. So it's like two o'clock in the morning. I'm taking her home and she's silent the whole way.
We're driving on the five about to get off on a mission. And you can see the lights from that, you know, from from the freeway, just kind of like lighting her, driving her no expression on her face. I said, So what do you think, Grandma? She goes side, you want to know what said you want to know? And I said, Yeah, I want to know. And she just waits like, you know, then she goes, If I want to know what I was going to take that long, I want to stay home.
And I said, I want to grow and grow. I grow up and I do exactly what I said I was going to do and no one fucking believe me or the one person that was the closest to it said, I wish I would have known it was going to take that long or stay home all summer. That's from my parents at this point, they never see anything that I do, they can't think like the TV has changed so much, they just don't give a shit.
If anything's on Netflix, they're not seeing it. It's just like they can't figure it out. They can't find it. Yeah, I've been doing this animated show for, like, episode of Family, and they've never seen it because people will say, like, is that really like you, autobiographer, whatever the fuck it's like. I mean, it is. And it's like all of our dads, all of our moms, all of us, you know, the little guys really kind of more me than it is anybody else.
Yeah. What I was just like, oh yeah. You know, they have days. They've never seen it. Literally never seen it. My dad called me one time.
He goes, I feel, you know, I was always asleep on the couch last I know you told me not to sleep on the couch is bad for my back, but whatever. It's my house, so I'm asleep on the couch. Right. And he goes, I woke up at like 3:00 in the morning. He goes, I see this movie and I see Christopher Walken and Al Pacino go, I've never seen this movie. So watch it for like ten minutes.
I had like two lines in the movie. Right. It just so happened he picked it up. And I go because I watch. I'm like, Jesus Christ, this bill, he wakes up, my mom, he goes, Christ, this is Bill. He's got to win because it was a really good movie.
Because when they come out, I was like like eight years ago, I told you to go see it. Oh, she's like, well, Christ, you know, I'm so goddamn busy. I got all these projects go. But I was I really so I mean, that's like how many options fucking awesome, dude. Like when we were coming up, if you had to move two lines and we saw on.
In any movie, your whole fucking town would go see it now, fucking Taylor Negron, God rest his soul, was the pizza guy. And last time there was one guy and he was fucking amazing. He was amazing. And everything was rated over money.
Oh, can I call you Dad?
Yeah. Can I call you that. Tell you the man. Tell you bad. I'm tired. I'm like, oh my God, I'm so good man. We watched that a couple of years ago before all this bullshit we wrapped on a movie, the star Pete Davidson had us all over his house, and that's the movie we watched. And we were just we were just just what's so great about that fucking movie is it breaks every rule, like, you know, like that said Field.
The first 10 pages you've got to set in motion and then acquire that movie. You don't even know what it's about for the first 40 minutes. And Rodney's just doing his act and he can't sit still. His fucking legs are shaking it up. An absolute beast in the movie still works. Joe Pacis in it. Before I saw Pessary, I played golf with Pecci and occasionally I'll ask him about it and we're browsing. Brother is your brother.
I loved Robbie fucking Robidoux and now you do. Rodionova Hey, tokenized.
And they look at you like I know my wife.
Oh, no. Yeah. I just sleep by saying, oh, well, he was a rough one. A rough one. Me and my buddy Verzilov, that once you know, I saw Rodney Dangerfield doing a private on a Sunday at Bally's. And I was going to I was working over there. I was opening for Sheena Easton. And when I went to the kitchen, the guy goes like this to me because Rodney and I were doing a private open the side door.
And he does like ten jokes in a row. So the audience is already on fire. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Ten. You think he couldn't go any higher? Well, that's a story about life. No fucking bull. I was like, oh, my God. One of the most amazing things I've seen. I just realized a performer.
Do you know the tension and release of doing comedy he would use that he probably be this as high as I can get them now. I'm going to hit him with the catchphrase they're going to die. Laughing I can bring it back down again and build them again. That's right. I never thought of that. Wow. Right. You know my doctor, Dr. Evil.
But I'll tell you, one of the fliers pitched in to get the screen door fixed. You know, there was there's a classic.
Somebody told me a. Somebody told me there was a classic review, some kid reviewed Rodney Dangerfield and said, like, he just seemed nervous and like in his clothes didn't fit, like, totally didn't get the act. When he's doing the fucking tire, you just seem nervous. Oh, Carlos Santana is like a huge Rodney fan. And with Jay Leno took over the acid to be on it on the show. And and he said, no, you know, I don't really do TV.
And they go, So what do you want? You know, what can we do for you? And he said, Can you get me every appearance Rodney Dangerfield ever did on The Tonight Show on a tape? And they said, I think we can. And that's what he got them in. And Santana did the show. Wow. And I would go to Santana starts a couple of times and you go, you want to see Rodney? And I said, let's put it on.
And I got on one of those big deals that you pushed, and it was like the microphone like that talked her into the moves I got in one of those, took it to him, and then we would watch Rodney.
I saw Rodney in eighty six right after back to school, like the third time he made it again, you know, and I saw him with who's like Jeff's Jim that guy Jeff Nelson, Jeff Nelson opened up and he came out there and just like the people had lawn seats.
That's how big this guy was. I saw Eddie Murphy on the road toward like a few weeks later after that. But I remember he he had like a plant in the crowd. Rodney did. The guy yells out because, hey, Rodney, what do you do for a living? He goes, I find dates for your sister.
Okay. Right. Right. But he did that the night I saw the Bally's, like ten years after that. I want to know who that guy was. You know what he was using, Dennis Blair, he was using the opening act to do it so it could have been drowned out there.
Yeah, and you could tell it like years later I figured out saying, oh, fuck, that was a plant because the guy called it a shill.
He yelled it out.
I mean, the guy was in front of like three thousand people. So this guy made sure he's loud.
And I was like, hey, Rodney, what are you do for a living?
You just like like butter. I find dates for your sister, right?
We were just like, oh, my God. Yeah.
I saw him walk into the casino with these two security guards. So these guys are like probably like five, 11, like tall. And this little dude, you know, scrunched over. And that's Rodney. You look in your life. That is right. He's kind of, you know, shuffling like this, walking to the casino, and then he walks out with his tie and the red red tie in the white shirt. And it's a different guy.
I'm sure Coke had a lot to do. I'm sure he did some blow on that before he went.
I never got to see him. Who's one person you never got to see that you wish you could have seen live? A comedian, a comedian or or musician. I would like to have seen Elvis, let's see, Elvis would be I would love I never saw Richard Pryor alive. I would like to have seen Richard III never did either. That kills me. That would have been to see him on stage would have been amazing. I remember I saw I remember in the early 80s when Mork and Mindy was on, I remember on a Monday, there's a connective door between the main room and the original room of the Comedy Store.
And we hear this like an explosion. We're like, what the fuck? And somebody opened the door and Robin Williams was still in his work. And Mindy costume, like the khakis and the rubber, the random angel. And he walked on. He was doing all this stuff and they were going wild, man. I was like, whoa, dude, that's crazy.
I mean, one night at the UCB, I was doing Jeff Garland had a show that is Improv Show, and Robin Williams popped in and I got to do improv with all of those guys. And in the end, Garland had this thing. I forget that sum game was called the combo platter. So you you would be sitting down, someone would start to tell the story, and then someone could interrupt and then take the story somewhere else. So I was sitting next to Robin and, you know, there was like a good like the normal space between chairs.
And even then his arm hair was still touching me. And I remember thinking, like, oh, my God, that is iconic arm. He's been kind of how hairy he is. All of those.
Well, but what was the comic comic relief. Comic Relief. Sure. Yeah.
He used to always do jokes about how fucking hairy was and it was literally like, you know, he was like a good six inches away, really.
Like our hair was just like, oh yeah. I remember being in high school here and I'm joking about that. Yes, it was. And here's another one of those amazing man you does you does all the drug, all the drug shit.
You kind of just stuck with just booze, right? Yeah. A good solid. You know, I did a little what I would do a little Adderall, you know. Alcohol, not too much blow an eyelash. I mean, one time this guy in Arizona gave me some and I said, no, I don't really want. He said, we'll go have I said and he went half and just took the money. And then he put it in my fucking suitcase.
I don't know, till I got back to L.A. and he sent me a message because they man half that your half is in your bag. I said, you motherfucker don't fuck because they wouldn't see it. It's like a fucking golf ball, a fucking fucking coke master. So I still have it of it. I went to I took my daughters and my wife to to Bali and I bring my cigars with me. So, you know, I got my cigars, our case, and I'm sitting out by the pool or in the middle of a fucking rain forest.
And I pop up my cigars and I've got a joint in there. I'm like, oh shit, I don't even know how to join. Here I go baby. I got a joint. She fucking goes white. I said, What? She goes, That is punishable by death. You're like, Oh, fuck.
Oh, dude, they just look, they do that. They need a legitimate excuse to, you know. Yeah. Go through you. That's going to happen.
I hate to say it. That's going to happen to a comic. That was when I went to Singapore. I was thinking about that and I was just saying, why are you positive. Right. No edible, no fucking nothing, no oils.
Like it's not like they got weed is like. Is there anything in the fucking glass.
Yeah, right. Singapore, if you're a young comic and you're going to Singapore or Bali, this is what you do, buy a brand new backpack and buy a brand new bag and just buy a and get a colonic so you can't have anything in your system.
Anything. Yeah. Go up naked. I got nothing. Please don't cane me or kill me. I just came here to tell jokes. Oh fuck around over there.
But hey, have you done stand up in Mexico ever on. No. You know, as much as the Mexicans love to hate in the United States, they hate more in Mexico. So I think I'll stay in my building over here. You could there's a whole there's a whole bunch of comedians in Mexico that are successful in Spanish, you know, and I've been a guy that I had some bilingual to it, but I'm pretty much an American Mexican.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. The big thing is to go down. A lot of guys are doing like his just to try to translate their act into Spanish. Well, fortunately, I don't need to I guess.
Why the fuck would you fucking worry about fucking bullshit or not to do it in fucking English. I just do it in English to make millions. I think I'll do that. I'm I'm looking into German doors. How do you decide to smoke in the fourth quarter? I've been doing this.
Yeah, that's that classic. That's one of the things you know about getting older. That's great. If you just start being like that, like listen, I do what the fuck I do. I'm happy with what I have. You you guys go, you go, you go. Run that down.
I'm not you know, I'm divorced. I spent a lot of time alone. I spent a lot of time alone. I got a house in Ingolf areas I go and golf people try to talk to me. I talk to a man. What's up? I take a picture with you and then I golf and women are like, I want to have a drink. Later on I go, I'll go down there. I can never do. Nobody's going to tell me what to do.
Nobody's going to tell me where to be the nobody's going to fucking tell me what to think or I don't even give a fuck what they think for the rest of my life.
I got to I got to ask some golf questions because I always make fun. I always make fun of golf. Right. By the way, I have three I have three golf bags right here. Yeah. I'm a big golfer. I took my dad to Pebble Beach to play right before my last tour. The big expense, expensive shit.
How many back how many golf bags to buy before you going to break? Eighty. That's the funniest thing about that sport.
How many how many how many golf bags do you have any sense of clubs you have, George? I'm a guess. Ten. I'll probably have more than I've given away to, and I probably have 15 about yeah, you just get them, Bill, you just get them. You just collect them. You know, my wife said to me, why are you fucking buying clubs? You're on TV. I just started and I just fucking simple people shit because they want it and.
Yeah, they do. Yeah they do. Yeah. Those are, those are that's how bad it got. I was a tireless guy and Callaway came out with some I saw this guy Calloway came out so I called hey estimate you guys. You think you can make me a set of clubs and watch this game. I love that you're whispering like you're cheating in the insert. And then 20 minutes later, the guy from Titlist calls. We've got a call that you that you were called Calloway about some clubs.
I said, why would I do that? Why would I call Calloway for some clubs? Oh, no, because are you with us? Are you with them? I said I'm with you guys. The fuck are you talking about? Did you call Calloway and ask them to make you a set of clubs? I said I did not call Calloway and ask them to make me a set of clubs. So my friend said that that they're making you a set of clubs.
That's not you. I said it's not. Why would I call fucking Calloway to make a call when I'm with Titlist, I'm with you guys. Putter bag, ball irons, everything. Woods Come on.
Come on, Carlitos. That's what should have happened. He should have pulled away already a fucking shirt. All right. I asked for some clubs. Man, that's one of my favorite. That's awesome. Dude in a mood.
Wait, what what's your golf courses. Oh, get you into golf bag.
My golf, my golf question is it's the only sport I've seen where they have to keep adjusting the equipment like they never had, like they never had to redesign the football. So you could throw a tire, you think, and throw the fucking thing or just find another sport. But my thing is, I'm not saying it's not difficult. I know it's extremely difficult, the mental game and all that. But the thing about it is, is the amount of non athletes that do play it that drag the curve down about how hard it is to break one hundred, how hard it is to break eighty.
And I just feel like like comics that I know that are athletic, if they golf, you know, on a routine basis can do it. So I was wondering, like, why do you keep what is the thing that makes you keep chasing? Like how much lighter does the club have to get? How much bigger does the head have to be on the club before you think you can keep it on the fairway?
Well, the head can't get any bigger because it's maxed out already. But but some guys play to get better score wise. I play for the temperament, like I was really poorly adjusted kid. And golf taught me to be calm, to remain calm, to stay calm. And all of the flaws that I had in my personality disappeared. The more I've played golf, I don't resemble I don't resemble the person I was at twenty or thirty or forty because I didn't have a father figure that when I cheated, I was cheating on myself.
And when I cheated on people, I was I can only really only hurting myself. And as you start to realize that, you know, you can gain peace from this this game that's been played for a thousand years and not worry about how far you hit it, but worry about. How you react when you hit it poorly. Just stay calm. So can you do the thing? Because I know a bunch of guys that like, oh man, the first eight holes, I was killing it.
Then I you know, I went to the trap and the whole thing fell apart. Do you have the ability, the calmness that if you start off with the classic breakfast ball and you have the first hole goes bad, either you or do you guys have the ability to be like, I shake. I never I never hit another one.
I play the one I hit. And when I when I started when I played batter hit it bad. I just go back to the fairway even if it's just a hundred yards shot, I just try to get it back to the middle to get to get some.
And when you when you figured that out, how much did that, how many strokes of that fucking probably eight because if you try to out of the rough, you know Bert you're going to hit it back in the rough. So I just get it back on the in the middle of the fairway and try to get up and down.
By the way, George is a much better golfer than I am much better at once. One that I've never had a hole in one. But that's the only reason I play. The only reason I play is for a hole in one. The only reason I play is for an eagle, for a oh god, I can't believe you carried that water that that one tenth jump shot is the whole reason I play. And and I don't really like a.
Yeah, I don't get it. Yeah, I just I, I love when you hit something really spectacular, like, oh shit, you carry that tree. Well that's going to be by the green. I think you just drove the green. That's I mean, you know. But, you know, Bill, there's a there's a there's a sensation that goes through the club from the ground and the ball to your arms and your chest that almost I guess feels like to have somebody come and hug you from behind.
I guess, you know, somebody that you like. And it's what keeps players like when you hit it on the sweet spot. It's this amazing feeling that you have for just as a kid might be like hitting a fucking crack pipe in the alley like this. And you're like, oh, you know, and then it's got better. There's no better feeling than on a Sunday, Sunday afternoon. So let's say let's say you you tee off at 10 a.m. you're it's it's now eleven, thirty seven and you're hitting the back nine.
And someone says, hey, you guys want to do a Bloody Marys and you're like, yeah, I'll do a Bloody Mary. And you light a cigar and you just go and everything just peels away that feeling. Oh my God.
But I just told you I just like drugs and alcohol. That's it. It's not even the golf. I get to stop talking to you guys. You guys are going to have me playing shit. Yeah.
Come on, man. Nah, man. Calloway I'll get you some clothes I got.
Yeah. I'll be your fall guy the next time you want some Calloway's. I'll say that.
I'll get you some, I'll get you some cheese. We'll get you some real shit.
I somebody gave me some clubs and they just sat there. I, I, you know I will say this when I play I count every single stroke. I don't want to give me I don't want anything. I'm trying to shame the people in the foursome by how much they're fucking cheating. I'll do it. I'll, I'll shoot like I'll shoot like a fucking one. Eighteen on the front nine. I'm not even Jokic I don't give a fuck and I kind of go for the all too.
I like Phil Mickelson. What you were saying all you try to get back on the thing. Yeah. Yeah. He just goes down, he tries to go around.
Well it's been a great thing to have you on here dude and I. Always knew, like, how successful you were, would just sit there for like an hour and kind of go through your career and to see all the different areas and back when, you know, it was really limited, limited. I mean, for a white guy, it was limited. It was still difficult to about what you were going up against. It's really impressive.
But we do have to end this thing because I don't want to start golfing with you next time, Bert, you and I will play will set on video and we'll get his ass out there. I'll be I will go anywhere to go play a round of golf. I would love that show the Bloody Mary in the cigar.
You'll get me there. All right. Good about anything else?
Philbin's maybe only Cubans. Now you get real ones. Yeah, you got. Yeah, because this summer I gave up on those things. There's so many like fake ones out there, I'll save you some. All right, yeah. Jesus Christ, the best guest ever, I got all the Cuban cigars coming. We are not happy about anything to promote coming up. No, no, not really. I mean, the broadcast. God. Hi.
OK. All right, well, I hope to see you in a mass free world. Yes, ma'am, would be great. Yeah, be good to see.
All right. Well, continued success. I mean, you obviously have the formula down, man. Thank you so much for taking time to come on.
The legendary George Lopez getting us through.
That was that was fucking awesome, man. Oh, man. Do thank you, guys. Man Right on.