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[00:00:00]

The following podcast is a dear media production. Hello, everybody, I know that I said I was going to have a guess this week, but surprise, it's just me now. Full transparency, I will say, in the wake of everything going on in the world, as time called me up, like on my cell phone and was like, listen, I want to come on the show. Could we just push it back a little bit? Everything that's going on, the world is like weighing heavy on my mind and my heart.

[00:00:39]

And I just don't know that I can get in the headspace to, like, shoot the shit. And I appreciate that so much. And I was like, wow, you're really fucking cool to call me up. No bullshit, no publicists, no cordial email last minute. So I really, really respect that. And I totally understand. And I was like, listen, bitch, it's my job. I have to put an episode out. I don't have weeks off.

[00:01:00]

I don't have the luxury of, like, you know, kind of gathering my thoughts and I got to make people laugh. So I totally, totally understand. And now it's just me. Let's have a fucking laugh. If I'm a little out of breath during this episode, please understand that I just spent forty nine minutes trying to learn the warp choreography because I wanted to surprise Max this weekend with it. I bought a fog machine along with my little USB disco lights and I wanted to film a music video because I thought that would be amazing and I just am trying to get him back to the heterosexual side.

[00:01:45]

So I wanted to see if I really could nail that split drop, if maybe he would get one third of a half chub. Unfortunately, the choreography is a little bit above my skill set.

[00:02:00]

You know, I'm good for a jazz hand. I'm good for a kickball change. Give me a ribbon dance. Give me an interpretive number. Cue the fucking Sarah McGlocklin possession. Have you heard that song? I could slip and slither like a goddamn snake in the grass to that. But give me whop. It's hard. The drops, the kicks, the thrusting, the twerking. I immediately go into cat cow. It's not sexy. I'm going to keep working on it.

[00:02:27]

So stay tuned. Secret project. Self-funded video shoot coming. Soon there will be a fog machine I'm going to get Cheryl to in the background. Slithering, gyrating, maybe fill a kiddie pool with some quite and sticker in there and let her slop around. You know I think subconsciously or is it unconsciously doesn't matter. I am trying to create tension, neighborly tension so that we have to move, because Andrew and I have been wanting to move for probably like six months at the beginning of this quarantine.

[00:03:03]

We're like, let's fucking move, let's do this. So I'm creating a toxic environment within my home, within my neighborhood. So I have to leave, which I think is low key genius moves. Now, something really exciting happened to me today. A love interest really. Now, obviously, amidst a global pandemic lockdown, you know, I'm not a woman about town.

[00:03:29]

Basically, I can adapt a routine anywhere, any way, any time. Like, I'm just like that. I have to have a routine. I have to be out of my house. It doesn't matter if I'm just sitting in my car. So typically a normal day looks like me in bed watching and you work out till about ten, fifteen. I go downstairs. I've been trying to have probiotic yoghurts. Jamie Lee Curtis, listen up. I love you, but I'm really disappointed in you because I have been spoon feeding Activia like I'm an infant, underfed.

[00:04:04]

And not only is it not working, I think it's actually making me more constipated and contributing to a rosacea flare up because of the eight grams of added motherfucking sugar.

[00:04:17]

A glass of wine has one gram of sugar, so that's the equivalent of two bottles in the fucking morning. And I don't have time for that. I haven't exercised in three months. I feel amazing. Fuck endorphins. It's a lie. It's a Ponzi scheme. There's no such thing. It's just if you need to get skinnier, you move your body. Is it for health? Sure. Does it make you feel better? Yeah, because you feel better when it's over because you're not doing it anymore.

[00:04:46]

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Jamie Lee Curtis, we have problems the Activia do not recommend. So anyways, I wake up, I have my probiotics. I don't shit. I complain about not shitting for fifteen minutes. I get ready. I have my eighty four step skincare routine that is just getting longer and more dark and more tragic because is it really doing anything I'm not in.

[00:05:14]

Sure, but do I need to be fascial cupping? Twenty three minutes every morning, probably. What else am I going to do then? I saunter into my car, I do a pick up for lunch, and then from that point on, from about 12 o'clock to four, 20, all I do is drive to different parking lots and sit and listen to different programs. I start with Howard Stern. Then maybe I'll go to like a Jeff Lewis.

[00:05:41]

Then maybe I listen to my own podcast, Narcissism 101. Then I'll hit up Dr. Laura that I listen to music, but all I'm doing is driving in parking and sitting and I crank the AC and I put my seat heater on and then I trawl through emails and it's all pretty disgusting. I eat in my car. Then I'll go get a drive thru iced tea, then I'll just drink my tea in my car. It's pathetic. So today to really spice things up, a romance was a Bruin on Ventura Boulevard.

[00:06:10]

So I'm driving, minding my business, having my triple venti green tea moccia. And I look over and there is a very obese, very sweaty, tender Israeli man in a white G wagon with a custom plate and and a rhinestone rim.

[00:06:29]

OK, so. And an aviator. But like it. Not like a cool Brad Pitt aviator, like a like a Porsche brand. Just a bad like a bad aviator. He rolls his window down, I roll my eyes, crack mine. I don't do a full roll down.

[00:06:47]

And he goes, Hello, beautiful. And I go, hi. And he goes, Can I take you to lunch? And I said, Oh, I'm sorry. And then he goes, You want to go to Katsuya? It's just right up here on the right. And I swear to God, I had a fifteen second pause where I thought about it because I could really do weird things for a baked crab handle.

[00:07:09]

But I don't want to get the baked crab hand roll and then have to give a handjob to his Hebrew national Gurkin under the table.

[00:07:18]

So I brood on it. And then I was like, better not. Schimel better not. And I was like, Oh thank you so much. But I'm married. I can't like have a great day. Then I pulled up to a Nordstrom. I was doing a curbside pickup anniversary sale, really cute denim jacket swipe to shop. He pulls up behind me.

[00:07:40]

And then I had a moment where I'm like, OK, either this is my next husband or I'm going to mace the fuck out of him. Like and it only one of two options. But just serendipity. The sequel, he was going to pick up curbside at Nordstrom's as well. Is that fucking romantic? So we made out and then I humped his leg and then I bid him a do. But I mean, sometimes you just think, what could have been the one that got away?

[00:08:11]

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[00:08:40]

Plus, they left out all the mystery additives. There's no synthetic fillers, no shady extras that can be found in a lot of other traditional multivitamins. I have said this since the beginning. If you have a vagina and or a penis and you're not taking these vitamins, you're missing out. They're really made for the entire family. Now, I've got Andron them. They have the multi vitamin essential for men. They have a vitamins for people of a certain age.

[00:09:07]

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[00:09:10]

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[00:09:15]

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[00:09:20]

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[00:09:24]

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[00:09:28]

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[00:09:47]

I've never dabbled in recreational drug use, but I watch the VMAs last night and while I applaud and really appreciate the production, I thought the weekend's performance was incredible.

[00:10:03]

I was a little bit confused and I needed a bit of clarity.

[00:10:07]

Abyssal, if you will. I didn't know if it was. Was there an audience? Is it like. What's the red carpet situation? Also, I was highly advised by many, many entertainment industry professionals that I should never, ever say a bad word about Beats because their fans will break into my home and kill me in the middle of the night.

[00:10:36]

They are die hard as they come. And I, I think that they're very, very talented.

[00:10:43]

I mean, the choreography is snapped. Jody Sawyer in her ombre red hair ribbons in red leotard dancing to Jamiroquai could quite literally never.

[00:10:57]

However, the Beats performance last night it looked like a lesbian Brooks brother commercial like they are so beautiful. And I that's all I'm going to say, OK?

[00:11:09]

And Jackie gets canceled. You can't get canceled if you never been green lit. Ding, ding, ding. That's my slogan. I sing that to myself every morning.

[00:11:18]

Well, I apply my Gosia anyways. So yeah, I watched the VMAs this weekend and you went golfing. I have a whole, like manifesto about why I hate golf so much. We're going to touch on that later. But more importantly, what I did on Saturday can only be described as in sexual, as pornographic, as boundary pushing and psychologically damaging.

[00:11:44]

I was the on set assistant for my cousin Joe's nude pregnancy photo shoot. And I'm not talking, you know, a thong and a bra. I am talking labia and nipples. I had a leaf blower. There was a lot of wind. My best friend Max was the photographer and the makeup artist. He applied, you know, a beautiful a shimmery body oil to both lips of her labia and nipple region.

[00:12:16]

There was posing, there was wind, there was labia, there was more labia.

[00:12:23]

There were tits in my face.

[00:12:26]

I've seen everything. I think that her child was crowning at certain points. I mean, she was naked the entire day. We had we had Italian chopped salads and shibata sandwiches with her bare vagina just on the floor just everywhere. Now, for Max, I didn't understand all the layers. Like I thought that was just a lot for me to handle, you know, with my leaf blower and just moving stray hairs like Gigi Hadid is shaking. I mean, there was there was chiffon blowing in the wind.

[00:13:04]

There was draping, there was clavicle popping. Vogue is going to be a shock to their fucking core.

[00:13:13]

I didn't understand how how psychologically confusing that could be for Max because he's the photographer. He did the makeup. He's not seen a vagina since he came out of one. He doesn't even know what they look like. I mean, he hasn't been that up close and personal to a labia for in all of eternity, although he did finger someone in high school, but it was under the jeans with a blanket.

[00:13:44]

Also, they were at the beach, which is just I mean, that poor, poor soul, you know, we should get her on this podcast. I think I know who it is. I'm going to reach out and we're going to do a phone intervention and really break it down, because at the time, you know how I knew that Max was gay. He fingered someone and then he goes, how was that? Like on a scale of one to ten, he wanted a rating.

[00:14:04]

And she said, I believe it was an eight point five or it might have been a nine point five. I'm going to call Max. We're going to confirm it was one of the two, which is a lie.

[00:14:18]

Hello, when you fingered the girl in high school. Was it an eight point five or a nine point five and nine point five? Are you sure? What? Without a doubt. Right. And then you were at the beach, correct? Yes.

[00:14:35]

And did you see the vagina or you just felt around? You just fished around.

[00:14:39]

I don't think might have been fingering her belly button for all intents and purposes. For her asshole or her ass.

[00:14:46]

By the way, I'm recording you. You're I'm recording you. I fucking hate. What was it like being Schnauz deep in Joanna's labia this weekend?

[00:15:00]

Oh, you know, in the moment it was like, OK, fine. Right. The editing of the photos where I have to zoom in 10 times to just like I'll correct her leave your hold is like a very interesting experience for me.

[00:15:18]

Do you feel any type of sexual harassment when you are photoshopping my cousin's vagina or is it just purely professional?

[00:15:31]

I'll just say this. It's it's a lovely vagina. It is. It's nice. It is a beautiful I would imagine that like of the vagina, it's probably on the more beautiful side. Yeah, it's well kept. Yeah. But I definitely have to push things down and just get in there and tackle the job, you know. Right. Like, like a true artist. Yeah. And it's like, I'm like, it's like a building collapse and I'm putting on my hard hat and I'm like, all right next you got to get in there and you got to save the people, you know.

[00:16:06]

And it's it's I just have to do it. You're a hero really when you break it down, honestly, you know what? You're right. I don't know why I haven't gotten a Nobel Peace Prize or why I haven't been awarded for doing the Lord's work, doing the damn Lord's work.

[00:16:19]

Speaking of doing the Lord's work, would you care to explain to me once again why I need to get into a gay Tic TAC algorithm and what that is for the people?

[00:16:31]

OK, so I am currently in a gay and shit suit, Tic TAC algorithm, and I feel like life is great. Like I feel like all you got to do is just watch a couple videos, watch a couple of videos, and then all of a sudden it's pretty much like just you and I are talking all the time and I'm just scrolling for hours.

[00:16:52]

So that's right, because my Tic TAC algorithm right now is like makes me so angry and upset and rachet you straight talk is literally purgatory.

[00:17:04]

Like straight kicked is like either like your fashion style stuff. Yeah.

[00:17:09]

By the way, if you're a real fucking fashion stylist then don't you have clients to tend to. Nobody cares what you're different Turquoise Belt say about you. You're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's that. And then there's also which we've talked about, like the gay baiting straight guy to talk like these straight guys doing the Taylor Swift thing where they're like whipping their ducks around.

[00:17:33]

You know what I'm talking about? I'm really like, no, like where they, like, push the skateboard back. It's like to do the dance now. God is just so annoying.

[00:17:41]

Oh, you know what? One kills me. And it went like, oh, God. And it's like, oh, my God, are you recounting your sad little life? Yeah, it went like this downhill bitch quick.

[00:17:55]

And we pushed him. I mean, the ones where it's like the story time where they're basically like it's like, oh my God, it's like something traumatic happened to me. Check. And then it's like they tell their story. I don't know. It's like there's so many things.

[00:18:13]

It's like an ISIS prison camp. It's, you know.

[00:18:20]

Do you have any Helen Keller jokes you'd like to say before you. I hang up on you. I mean, I got I don't know if I have any, like, jokes, I just love referencing Helen Keller. Yeah, people don't like that.

[00:18:38]

The feedback has been unanimously to stop. But I think that that's I think that's disingenuous.

[00:18:46]

I think we have to keep her story alive, because I was talking to somebody the other day and I said, oh, God, I like Helen Keller. And they're like, oh, I don't like Helen Keller. They're like, do we work with her? And I'm like, how dare they? What are you talking about doing work with her? We work with her every single day because she's always in our minds. Spirits and souls, however.

[00:19:07]

No, no, no, I, I had somebody I'm not going to say their name, but somebody that I work with closely that, you know, oversees my my shit. And they said to me, they go, Jackie, you have to stop liking the Helen Keller posts on Instagram, because I have followed this account, this Helen Keller account, where it's just posts it just post black squares with, like, really inappropriate funny captions.

[00:19:38]

And it is my favorite account on social media. And they're like, you have to stop because people can see that and people are going to get offended. And I was like, you know what? I have followed this account. It's the reason I started. I even got an Instagram. So I'm I will not. I will not for Helen.

[00:19:56]

Helen, we should make sure it's OK for health insurance. And I'm just going to say this should be black T-shirts with black scripts. You can't go away.

[00:20:09]

Do you know that I have a framed photo of Helen Keller in my office?

[00:20:13]

Of course. I know you have a framed picture of Helen Keller.

[00:20:16]

I hit it with a picture of Leo because, like, it got a little weird one time when I was filming that digital series and you could see it in the background, I was like, oh, fuck.

[00:20:26]

Oh, God, she is she is us and we are her. I feel emotionally and deeply like I feel like Helen Keller. Is my spirit good.

[00:20:39]

Well, I mean, don't make me make the obvious joke, but yes, me too.

[00:20:45]

That makes a lot of sense for our lives, actually. In all honesty, just like. No, I'm not even going to I'm not a you know, we're not going to do that. We're not going to do that. I got to keep the lights on anyways. Have a great day. I love you. I love you. Bye.

[00:21:02]

I am so excited for this new sponsor, Jenny Cain. I can't believe the level of effortlessly chic fashion guru that I'm accomplishing by partnering with them. I have been wearing Jenny Cain shoes for ever.

[00:21:17]

It's like a classic L.A. California style staple. And the fact that they even want to be affiliated with me is kind of a blow mind. There might have been some slight bullying involved, but listen the fuck up, OK?

[00:21:31]

Having comfortable, cozy items is essential any time of the fucking year. That's why you need Jenny Cain in your life. They have like the most classy, timeless neutrals styles. There's everything from, like, beautiful blankets, candles, the most fabulous shoes. Let me tell you, I ordered the mock boot.

[00:21:54]

I believe the color I got was called saddle.

[00:21:56]

It's kind of like it's like a shearling lined boot that doesn't make you look like Britney Spears entering a 7-Eleven and grabbing like a fucking bag of flaming hot Cheetos.

[00:22:08]

OK, so the items that I'm obsessed with, besides all the stuff for the home, which is a must have, especially because you're going to be seeing a lot of your home now and forever.

[00:22:18]

Just kidding.

[00:22:19]

The Sherling Muhal is a must have a must have year round. You can wear them to pull, you can wear them around the house. They look adorable with dresses, jeans, shorts. I am obsessed with this shoe.

[00:22:35]

I also love the mock boot. I ordered mine in the saddle color. They have the black and then they have like kind of like a light beige and the saddle. They are so cute and comfortable. I never want to take them off the cashmere sweaters. Like I could not rave more about this brand. And I can't believe that they're offering my listeners a discount. Like if you grew up in L.A., you've been to the store, you know the shoes, you know the vibe, and it is foolproof.

[00:23:04]

And I have a discount for you. What is life make getting dressed the easiest part of your routine at Jenny Kane Dotcom.

[00:23:13]

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[00:23:29]

Now, we talked earlier about me tending to my cousin's vagina during her very sexy erotic Playboy adjacent nude photo shoot with her unborn fetus inside of her because we're on an incest tip.

[00:23:50]

It's so disgusting. But listen, we have to laugh at dark shit because it gives it less power. How do you like that? OK, over 20, 20 vision talk. I'm available. So Julianne Hough posted this video of herself riding a bike and really getting down. She called it a booty bike ride. She is twerking. It's shot from behind, kind of in the undercarriage region. She's twerking, she's working.

[00:24:18]

She's doing all the things. Now, we come to find out later after she posts this video. You know, a bit of a thirst trap, some would say.

[00:24:28]

And she's got a beautiful body and she should use it accordingly. Just as long as you're not scamming people for money, promising them a brighter tomorrow by gyrating Conergy style.

[00:24:39]

So we find out a couple hours later after she posts a selfie that that bike ride was with her and her brother, Derek.

[00:24:48]

So Derek shot allegedly shot the video of his sister twerking in the saddle, if you will. And what does that conversation look like? You know what I mean? Hey there, dear.

[00:25:05]

Would you mind taking a video from behind while I dry hump my 12 speed mountain bike in the Sahara Desert. Thank you. Make sure you get a good shot. Arched the back. Sweet cheeks are doing amazing. Listen, these jokes are only not funny if you're fucking your brother, which makes you a brother fucker. So what's worse, me making poor taste jokes or you scissoring your sister til sunrise in the Sahara. Riddle me that. OK, I just think it's funny.

[00:25:35]

I just think it's funny. But listen, we're all the same. I was, you know, in neck deep in my cousin's vagina this weekend. So you know what? It takes one to know one sharp. Right. My name is Jackie Schimel and I hate golf.

[00:25:53]

I can't believe I haven't discussed this on the podcast before. Now, normally, my darling husband, Andrew does not have the amount of free time to golf as much as he's been golfing amidst this global pandemic. And I would like to take a stance on wives at home who hate golf and maybe organize some type of a union because it has to stop.

[00:26:22]

And I'm going to tell you why today.

[00:26:26]

Golf is tragic. It's mediocre life with a Y and its vagina clenching. You know what I say?

[00:26:34]

Go to fucking work. I hate the principle of golf. I think it's a retired man's sport and hot tip. I don't believe in retirement. It's a waste of water. It's a waste of land.

[00:26:49]

Like have a few brews and hit the green in a dismal outfit that makes you look like the assistant manager of a fucking Chase Bank or a Panera Bread company. Speaking of fuckin Panera, is it Panera Bread Co.? Is it Panera Cafe? I don't know. I don't fuck with fucking Panera because I love myself.

[00:27:06]

Speaking of it, I told Andrew that I would put his penis in a panini press if he even thought about joining a motherfucking country club. I hate a country club.

[00:27:20]

Do they even allow converted Jews in country clubs? Probably not. Like put up some chicken sandwich and a Bud Light on my tab. Brenda hard fucking no dog.

[00:27:30]

My husband loves a chicken sandwich. It triggers me because when I think of a chicken sandwich type of dude, I am catapulted back in time to when I first met Andrew and he would wear like the longest board shorts with netting and like weird sweatshirts and like sunglasses that he found at a lost and found from the barbecue joint that he worked at. And he had the sad haircut and pasty like love is blind. Let me tell you, because I look back at old photos sometimes when Andrew's playing golf, I will I will go back in time and I will find just the most dismal, like tragic photos of him Premi and just send them to him while he's golfing, accompanied with inspirational golf quotes.

[00:28:16]

So another Prototyp guys, if your husband or boyfriend or whoever is really into golf and you really want to fuck up their round, go on Google search and type in. Operational golf quotes and then find those like kind of sad pictures of the putting green with like a really disgusting cursive life quote about golfing and then send them by the masses. I not only send them to my husband, I also send them to our best friends. The got my guy friends that are usually golfing with him just to create unrest and try to ruin their day and let them know that I'm judging them from afar because I think what they're doing is sad.

[00:29:01]

When I met Andrew at the beginning, all he would order was chicken sandwiches. He loved chicken sandwich. He loved it with like mayo and chicken and lettuce, like a watery lettuce, little tomato or maybe some pepper, jack cheese and a saddle ranch.

[00:29:21]

I really did a number on him, honestly. It's like it's it's groundbreaking what I've been able to do. They say people don't change. Oh, they will. You just keep on keeping on kids and they will fucking change. When I met Andrew, he would sporadically play with this band that can only be described as the worst, most cringe band of all time. They were tank tops and like sunglasses indoors and they sold merch at their shows with 13 people.

[00:29:50]

Like, you know what kills me? Preemptive merch. As someone who sold preemptive merch, I got to say, out of all the shit that I've done publicly all these years, selling merch when I had 12 subscribers, and that's generous, maybe closer to six. I mean, is it kills me. It keeps me up at night. The Preah Jack it flex is the bane of my existence. And I encourage everyone to take a beat and look inward because no, there is it.

[00:30:25]

It's applicable.

[00:30:26]

And no matter what you do, a pretty Immaculata reflex is insane to me.

[00:30:33]

I was at a wedding and there was this dude who was bragging about his salary, which I'm not going to get into it, but like going around a wedding and telling everybody about his salary because he just got promoted and it was like I yearned for him. You know, when you watch TV and you see the penguins covered in the oil and they're blinking it out and you just like feel bad, but not too bad because you have a bird phobia.

[00:31:01]

And that's how I felt. That's how I felt watching him work the room. Honey sashays. Shauntay, go home. Now, to clarify, my husband doesn't have a morsel of project, little ejaculatory Fleck's. He is as humble as they come. And he's so cute and he's so sweet. And I just can't even believe that he loves me so much because I really, really am. Like, as the years go on, I can't believe what a monster I am.

[00:31:28]

But like, so much fun, a hoot and a motherfucking half.

[00:31:34]

Anyhow, another sharp left, you know, I try not to doggy paddle in the very shallow waters of desperation by trolling reviews on this podcast often.

[00:31:45]

But once in a while a fucking Brenda will screenshot me a negative review about this podcast. And I just like to go on record here and say, first of all, we're not a guest driven celebrity hoarding show, mostly because they won't agree to come on this podcast.

[00:32:04]

Secondly, before I did this, I was a receptionist, as most of you know. Thirdly, I'm not an actress. I'm not a vlogger.

[00:32:11]

I'm not a tech talker. I'm not a comedian. I'm not a singer. That's not true.

[00:32:16]

Pipes that Paula Cole wishes she had.

[00:32:20]

Where have all the cowboys gone? I mean, I like I sing it so well.

[00:32:26]

It's actually it's all inducing.

[00:32:30]

But the truth of the matter is that the world has been standing still for six months. There's not a lot to pull from. So am I going to repeat a story I told multiple times? Probably. But the truth of the matter is I wake up and I'm at home all day.

[00:32:46]

I might hit up melodies I might frequent at Trader Joe's, maybe a market run, pick up Leo's dog food, but to generate a forty five minute to an hour episode every single week during a global pandemic and all these other factors going on in the world, racial injustices, the election and trying to create a reprieve for people to laugh every single week while our world has stood still. Content is not king in this household. OK, I'm not a content creator.

[00:33:19]

I'm just shooting the shit, doing the best I can. And for all those motherfuckers that wrote a one star review, I riddle you this. If you can do what I do, better, try me, bitch, if not, shut the fuck up and stop listening. And yes, I curse too much. We don't at it. I'm not in the business of, you know, a PR shifty shift shift. Shifty Schimel. You get what I'm trying to say here.

[00:33:47]

So you know what? I highly encourage you in the state of everything that's going on in the world, if you got nothing nice to say, get paid for it or shut the fuck up and find a new show. Bubby, she is peace.

[00:34:01]

She is grace. She is evolved. She is authentic. And she keeps it moving.

[00:34:08]

Let's talk about Bella Thorne on only fans. This is my plan B career move is to to saunter over to only fans. I don't know exactly what it is.

[00:34:19]

I believe it's like a PornHub adjacent. I also know that Sonya Morgan is on there, so I probably am going to join later this afternoon. I don't think you have to show anything, but I think the premise is that you're it's you know, it's not required, but it's suggested and I'm game for it as long as it's consensual. Bella Thorne, let's see your sphincter now. Apparently, allegedly.

[00:34:45]

I love that I've for almost six years, I have interchanged allegedly with apparently, which is not the same thing and does not hold up in a lawsuit. I know this firsthand. So allegedly, Bella Thorne scammed two million dollars in two days from only fans. Now, this is just something that I've concluded based on headlines. Haven't done much research on the matter. Information is power. So let's turn to The New York Post.

[00:35:16]

So Bella Thorne caused a massive uproar last week when only fans, which is, you know, PornHub adjacent, crashed when Bella Thorne joined. So she hyped her record breaking two million dollar payday. The backlash intensified when only fans announced new restrictions, including capping fan tips at one hundred dollars and pay per view post charges at fifty dollars. And in some countries, extending the waiting period to transfer funds from the site to a bank account to thirty days. So a lot of other people on only fans are blaming Bella Thorne.

[00:35:55]

They're saying you scammed people, which in return made us look like scammers and not the hard working people we are. Wow.

[00:36:03]

They also accused Bella of tricking paying customers by offering a two hundred dollar nude picture for purchase via only fans, causing a torrent of refund requests when it was revealed that Thorn was in fact clothed in the pic. So she was saying, pay two hundred dollars, this is my areola, but then, oops, I'm in a crop top. So it's misleading. Given the two Hendo cash incentive, she's issued a formal apology. She says, I hurt you.

[00:36:36]

And for that I'm truly sorry. I mean, I wanted to bring attention to the site. The more people on the site, the more likely have a chance to normalize the stigmas. And in trying to do this, I hurt you. I have risked my career a few times to remove the stigma behind sex, work, porn and the natural hatred people spew behind anything sex related. I wrote and directed a porn against the highbrows of my peers and managers because I wanted to help with the stigma behind sex.

[00:37:05]

You know, this is an interesting conversation because I don't know if putting a price tag on sexuality is beneficial to the stigma of sex. That's just my feministic approach. I, I don't understand. And maybe Bella Thorne, if you'd like to come on this podcast, we can discuss it. I don't know if that is this seems a little counterproductive in my personal opinion. I think sexuality is is personal and personalized, but I really get triggered when people try to overintellectualize really simple ideals, you know, selling photos of yourself nude or not nude, whatever you're comfortable with for money.

[00:37:58]

Yes, maybe it's personally empowering because you're being compensated for your sexuality, but overall blanket statement is that abolishing a stigma, I, I kind of don't think so. She is nothing, if not flawless at smooth transitions. Speaking of sex, let's talk about my favorite product in the bedroom. The foundation of who I am as a person starts with self care. And self care is also sex care.

[00:38:35]

And one way that you can implement your own personal sex care is by incorporating Wu into the bedroom. Not only does it keep things hot and spicy, it's also antibacterial. It's good for you and your vagina. Here's the lowdown on Wedmore Play. It's the all natural sexual wellness brand that truly takes your sex life to the next level. They've got the coconut love oil. They've got fresh eyes and now the quickies. So you can take your sex life on the go.

[00:39:05]

It's basically just these little mini single serving packs of the coconut love oil. Your shit's going to smell like a goddamn cupcake. You'll be slipping. You'll be sliding. OK, the freshly towelettes are incredible before sex because they're made with coconut water. They smell amazing. So, you know, you're clean, you're handled. You can wipe your groceries down with them. I mean, anti bacterial.

[00:39:30]

I love them. I keep them literally in every single purse in my car all over the place for the best sex of your life, the love oil. I mean, it's a fuckin rap. Order it by the case.

[00:39:42]

You're going to be spending a lot of time at home. You know, you can massage your shiatsu with it.

[00:39:47]

It smells divine, antibacterial. It's a game changer.

[00:39:53]

You got to head over to woo more, play dotcom slash discount slash Bible for twenty percent off your order of woo or use code Bible at checkout for twenty percent off woo. More play to start spicing it up today. That's twenty percent off with code Bible.

[00:40:13]

Trust me, you're going to keep coming back for more.

[00:40:18]

Am I going to get in trouble about talking about Beats and Helen Keller and Julianne and Deerhoof. How, what else did I say. Who fucking knows. I mean it's always something every fucking week I live in fear. You know. Here's the deal though. They say you're never supposed to talk about beats. You're never supposed to talk about Taylor Swift, which is wild because I had an epiphany in twenty twenty. I'm really proud of Taylor Swift and I like her now.

[00:40:45]

Life update. I wouldn't say that I'm a swiftie, but I would say that like the folklore album, Drop tickled me. I'm not saying that I necessarily love every song. I don't think that she put folklore out to be like a nineteen eighty nine, a reputation like a banger on Bangar. I think that she put it out with no intention of really having any singles or performing it live, which I respect. And you know, as a peripheral music industry professional with a no to dance chart song, I think that she is an amazing storyteller and I think that she's legit.

[00:41:26]

And maybe I cried when I heard what's the song called The One with Bonnie there from her album. I really I thought it was beautiful and it made me feel something vaginally. I had a little I almost had like a little little Lauren Conrad tear trickling down my icy cold heart. The problem is that I try to gauge what's too fucked up and kosher. And I don't have that threshold because I truly think that the most fucked up shit is so funny, because I think that when you laugh at something, it kind of breaks down the membranes of the pain and makes it easier to metabolize.

[00:42:11]

And I always have said I'd rather be laughing than crying. And I laugh at the most fucked up shit about my own life. So it's universal and it's just it's going to happen. And if you're sensitive, I really don't think you should listen to this podcast ever. Don't listen back. Don't listen moving forward. It's not for you. It's OK. It's all good. This is like digital Darwinism. It's survival of the bitchiest. And, you know, here we are still standing.

[00:42:43]

Holy God of Jesus. How have I gone? Forty five minutes without talking about fucking Derinda Medley leaving the Real Housewives of New York. Oh, my God. See, this is how I know that I need therapy. Because when something traumatic. Happens to me, I bury it so deep in my soul that I pretend it never happened and I just trudge forward, I literally blocked it out. Wow, wow. Life moment, looking inward, assessing, calling a doctor.

[00:43:16]

When I got the news, it was last week.

[00:43:19]

It was right before I did Jeff Lewis live. And we also didn't talk about it on the radio because we were just in shell shock. Also, speaking of Jeff Lewis live, I frequent his radio show. I have a great time. He's more inappropriate than I am, which is refreshing. So he underwent a neck surgery. And if he they were saying, like in worst case scenario, like if you let this go, you can become paralyzed.

[00:43:50]

And we were making a lot of, you know, wildly inappropriate jokes about someone going into a very serious surgery about him losing his legs. So as his get well present spoiler alert, I ordered in the midnight hour after a Claritin, I've moved from Zyrtec to Claritin and I'm just trying to find out my seasonal allergy rhythm as an Ashkenazi Jewish Jewish woman does. So I woke up at three a.m. I Googled mannequin limbs and I ordered him to mannequin lady's mannequin High-Heeled legs that I am going to kind of create like an Art Basel type of I don't know, I was going to spray paint, pop some, you know, something to go with this house.

[00:44:41]

Very chic, maybe some gold glitter glue. I don't know. I was going to get really crafty and then just drop them off in a gift basket at his house just in case he needs some extra legs. The problem is, I'm not going to be able to spray paint the limbs in the driveway because God forbid, Cheryl goes out to get her mail and then she sees the heathen next door, you know, glitter gluing fake appendages. And then it's all over for me.

[00:45:11]

Call the real estate agent. It is time to move, get a U-Haul and pack this shit up.

[00:45:17]

Anyways, what was it about to say? Derinda Medley? To say that I am heartbroken is an understatement. I understand that she did not have a good season this year. I think that she was going through something. There's something definitely angry about her this season. But without Derinda, we don't have the Berkshires. We don't have clip, clip, clip. We don't have put an easy pass on your Holland Tunnel. We don't have a face in a lit birthday cake.

[00:45:52]

We don't have make it nice tears. We don't have, you know, joker red lipstick in Cartagena lighting a cigarette. There are so many things that we don't have. At least I didn't get arrested for it. We don't have slurring. We don't have puji shift dresses. We don't have. Oh my God. We don't have Dero because we don't have. What about when Derinda stabbed herself in Mexico at the dinner table, she literally grabbed a steak knife and stabbed herself.

[00:46:23]

OK, she has bled out for this show. She was exactly what we needed when she came in. And I'm not ready to quit Derinda Medley. And yes, Lya is a beautiful addition to the franchise. Massively love her work. And my my one wish for Leah is that she stays humble and in on the joke because sometimes you get we've never seen it with any other newbie housewife. Leah came in and everybody loves her. It's kind of unanimous.

[00:46:52]

She came in hot but not too hot. She has given us already so many iconic moments for the franchise.

[00:47:01]

Now, the problem is that sometimes when they get a little too loved, they become Ramona Singer adjacent and then they're not in on the joke and then they lose themselves. We kind of saw that with Bethenny a little bit. Bethenny needed to go away to come back, you know what I mean? And I just want Leah to stay. I want her to stay.

[00:47:22]

Leah, you know, like not too big for her britches. Not this is my show. This is what happy happened, was Vicki Gunvalson with Tamra. And there's ways to do it. Like Karen Huger in my world is a full fledged icon. I think her performing at her own barbecue in the Pink Panther suit sent shivers down my body from the from the bottom of my feet to the top of my Brillo pad scalp.

[00:47:57]

I mean that. Is flawless work, the Potomac women, I got to tell you, they are doing a fucking no, I kind of love them all. I kind of love them all. They're really fucking good. And they don't have to lean on the aspirational aspect. The Beverly Hills I love, but it's a lifestyle show. I want to see what Jared's wearing. I want to see where they're going on vacation. I want to see their homes.

[00:48:18]

Potomac is just all personality and I applaud that Derinda medley. I say this to you with open arms, open heart and open legs. Thank you. I love you. I respect you. I cherish you. And I will miss you more than I can ever verbalize on this loser podcast. Now that you are not a housewife, however, if you would like to come on in and join us and talk and let me praise you and and sing sing my appreciation from the rooftops, please do.

[00:48:58]

Thank you for listening to this podcast.

[00:49:00]

We will be back next week. Maybe we'll have a guest. Maybe we fucking won't. Thank you so much. Last Forever. Five stars on iTunes. Follow me at Jackie Schimel, Bubby.